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secriden · 9 days ago

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I woke up this morning still thinking about Fadel waking up in Style's bed.

I wonder what was running through Fadel's head as he turned to look at Style, eyes still squinting against the too-bright morning light, the unfamiliar comfort of the shape of Style's name on his lips for the very first time. I wonder if he was too sleepy to process how strange it was that he didn't really mind being pinned down by the weight of Style's thigh thrown over his hips; that the sensation was grounding and reassuring rather than being confining or suffocating. I wonder if the thought crossed his mind that he wouldn't mind waking up like this again, wouldn't mind letting someone into his space, wouldn't mind giving someone the bared vulnerability of lying naked and unprotected with all the implications of unwavering trust that has -- not if it was with him.

I wonder if Fadel registered the way his heartbeat is steady and calm despite the strange surroundings and unfamiliar bed, because something in him has already labelled the person lying next to him as safe.

I wonder if Fadel even understood that this, right here, in all its quiet and unacknowledged stillness, was the moment he fell in love?

#the implications of a trained assassin whose own parents were murdered in front of his eyes and who has been burned by love before #CHOOSING to stay the night and then waking up naked and vulnerable and being ABSOLUTELY CALM AND AT PEACE with it!#yeah i'm calling it -- THIS is when fadel actually fell in love. it's why the rest of the episode gives us:#fadel being able to say out loud “i want him to accept me for who i am”; because a part of him already felt like style HAS #fadel telling style “you don't have to do anything to impress me”; because style has already earned the right to fadel's trust and heart #fadel answering style's plea of “promise?” with a kiss because he'd just lied to style with his words #so he tries to tell style the truth with his body instead #because he doesn't realise that a single phone call would be all it takes to turn his reply into an unintended deception once again #the heart killers #the heart killers the series #fadelstyle #fadel #thk meta #fadel meta #thk ep 6 #hui talks thai bl #hui talks thk #i've been staring at this particular screenshot for a while and the way there's NO CONFLICT AT ALL on fadel's face just...#*sits in the corner with my head in my hands*#you guys are probably all really sick of me by now #I know I’m somewhat reiterating my point #but it hit me that this really is LOVE now…like I’ve been holding off on that conclusion for so long #because episode 4 gave us a confession of frustration #and episode 5 gave us a confession of fear #but this episode is fadel finally recognising the the has truly fallen in LOVE #and that makes epsisode 6 so much worse because it comes because fadel thinks style doesn’t love him in return

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septimusmoonlight · 3 months ago

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You doing ok?

hi

#i'm alive. simply being chewed upon by multiple things #work is more stressful than i'd like it to be. for instance i'm hoping that i submitted my time off notification for tomorrow correctly #because otherwise it might read as a no call no show and i would . like to continue having a job #now to be fair. i do have it on the system that i requested it at the beginning of the month and i emailed my supervisor about it last week #so even if i didn't submit it correctly i'm likely in the clear #but nonetheless. i also got a firm talking-to the other day and now i am on ✨thin ice✨ for dicking around too much #because they track ur idle time at my work (computer) and mine was Quite High so my supervisor was like man what the hell is this #but even though she was kind of baffled at me spending so much time dicking around #she couldn't even really be all that mad in the end because i'm still doing good numbers and have made no (zero) mistakes #so she was just like. it's kind of impressive that your numbers look this good when you literally have 50% idle time #so she goes imagine what you could do if you weren't wasting so much time #and yeah i can whip out some Really Good Numbrers when i put the effort in.#so the problem is not my numbers it's just that i'm not spending long enough doing my tasks for the day #but i don't want to drag out those tasks intentionally so i've just been upping my own standards/goals #as much as i hate giving any more of my brain power than is necessary to giant corporations #it's still easy to feel smug after you get Talked To and then immediately turn around and show off #like yeah i coulda been doing this good the whole time. literally pulling up by 20 points. i just didn't want to.#trying to keep everyone's expectations low but accidentally toed the line of um. not working enough to keep my job #...anyway. EAS national weather system issued a . hi #i haven't forgotten about all of you i'm just having trouble tracking all my shit that i got going on ✨ yaaaaaaay #im gonna post things on AO3 soon. i promise. my weakness is that i get sidetracked trying to unwind from work #...i know i said 'soon' last time. but this time for real #asks #not sexy #anonymous

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skibasyndrome · 3 months ago

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#not to be a broken lil man on main #but I was on the phone with my dad for 30 minutes just now (that's a lot for a phone call with him) and like.... damn. yeah. i do have one #parent who's not horrible huh #we talked a lot about my plans for the future...... which I only now told him bcs scary and bcs........ I never ever during my 25 years of #being alive got the impression from my parents that something like this would be an acceptable career choice or something they'd support #and I mean. my [redacted] of a mother is the best example for how. not alright it is with her that I'm doing something that's not very...#traditional for this family #but anyways. my dad was absolutely fucking lovely #to the point that I get getting teary eyed and felt my throat closing up cause. huh. i guess in his own way he does love me and believe in #he asked me to send him a link or a pdf of my first conference report because he wants to keep it somewhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭#I'm....... ouch. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch #you know the ghosting I am really good at with tumblr chats (sorry guys. ilu. I just suck at communication)???? i'm also extremely good at #that with whatsapp chats and just. not calling my irl loved ones #so idk. hearing him say he understands and just wanted to make sure I wasn't upset with him and like. wanted to know if I was doing okay.#damn. okay. damn #idk #this was such a good talk and he was so suppertive and non-judgemental and I actually told him about my birthday and how my mother's call #upset me and he was like. yeah. same. and like... he's basically gone no contact with her as well as it turns out #idk. I really should give him more credit and like... I feel like there's so much shifting and change and development happening while I'm n #not there and sometimes it's hard to remember that he actually /could/ understand some things. just cause I've always been so used to not #sharing anything about myself because it wasn't safe when I was younger and... idk........ lots of emotions going on rn #so glad we talked though. so glad #simon.out.#if you read all this.... idk man.... sorry for oversharing but thanks for caring ig <3

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columboposting · 11 months ago

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Torchwood expanded universe content is wild because it’s like. Ok here’s an audiobook from 2009 where Jack Harkness goes to super hell. Yeah like Castiel. Yeah an Anglican thought he had too much charisma and banished him there. Yeah the black goop consumed his body and everything. No i’m not joking

#Ok tbf i am exaggerating it wasnt called super hell. Just “hell.” Left ambiguous whether or not it was the christian Hell #Anyway torchwood’s superhell is better because it’s not homophobic #Also the story was read by eve myles (gwen) and her jack impression (complete w/ spotty american accent) was so deeply distracting to me #If you’re curious this is about “In The Shadows” btw #torchwood #jack harkness #doctor who #superwholock #i feel unclean using that tag #supernatural #super hell #TO BE CLEAR: the audio is good. But I could not quite shake the feeling that i was listening to eve myles read me a podfic #astral posts

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vulpinesaint · 6 months ago

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the difference that offering a child kindness and compassion can make... one of the kiddos was crying the other morning missing her mom. Sobbing crying. and i talked to her and she wasn't able to say very much from crying so hard but confirmed that she knew her mom was going to be back and it was going to be a good day and it was going to be alright but she was just inconsolable. and we did some good breaths together but she just couldn't get her breathing under control. so for like ten minutes i just had her drink some water and gave her a hug and sat with her while she cried until we were going off to the next activity and she had to go with different counselors. and by then she'd calmed down a little but was still sniffling and obviously upset but the important part is that even though i didn't even get her to stop crying anytime i saw that little girl the rest of that day and now throughout the rest of the Week after just sitting with her and offering some compassion i see her notice me as she goes by and she always looks right at me and smiles and gives me a little wave when i say hi. like we haven't had any other conversations since then but i can see the way that she recognizes me now. i'm not her favorite counselor i haven't spent more than twenty minutes with her tops but that little girl takes the time to seek out my acknowledgement cause i showed that i care about her.... y'know... cause i was gentle with her and that meant something to her... all to say. it doesn't matter if you have extended interactions with kids. it really doesn't. small things can make such a huge impact on children and i really sincerely think it's so important to show them kindness... help them up when they fall. give them a hug. sit with them while they cry. cause even if it doesn't Fix things even if you don't solve the problem or do anything really materially Helpful you will have shown that child that people care about them. and they notice... they remember... they do...

#man. mira won't even speak to me really but i can Tell it's significant to her when i say hi and call her by name #crazy... you have such power as a grownup to make an impression in a kid's life....#and in such small ways too. she's probably not going to remember me after a month or two.#but also one of my kiddos who i've known for a couple years now #his first week of summer camp he was just distraught every time he got dropped off. sobbing crying.#little incoming kindergartener and he was in water games camp and did not want to get wet. poor thing.#and i was the person there when he got dropped off that week and i sat with him and comforted him and got him calmer #and that kiddo is like My child at this point haha i adore him and he says all the time that i'm his favorite counselor #but huge point of it... two full years later... he will still tell Other people that i am his favorite counselor 'because i helped him'#when he was first starting camps. makes a specific point to say it. multiple other counselors have told me that he's said that to them.#so like... man... kids remember.... they really do...#ten thousand little reasons for my little guy to enjoy hanging out with me during summer camps/after school programs #but he specifically remembers that i was someone who took the time to care about him... heartwrenching. every time #anyway #valentine notes

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rexcaliburechoes · 4 months ago

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does anyone else find it fucked up that moon's friends protect themselves from her with the skyfire at the end of moon rising?

#wings of fire #moonwatcher #look okay i've been slowly rereading the series on and off again bc one of my friends is getting into the series #so correct me where i'm wrong in asking why kinkajou feels entitled for moon to disclaim she's a telepath and seer upon first meeting her #when the news that nightwings don't have powers anymore and that they manipulated the entire sandwing succession war conflict #for their own gain went PUBLIC so nightwings are a hated tribe #nevermind the fact that moon feels like an outcast among her tribe because she hatched off of the volcano and never had to suffer #though it's sweet that her mother cares for her and worries about her she still calls moon her 'weird little diamond'#and impresses upon her 'secret hidden safe' which is basically wof's conceal don't feel #when was moon supposed to feel safe enough in disclosing her power she's hated FOR having and hated for NOT having #do you (general) think she's in ANY position to advertise she's the tribe's ONLY true seer and telepath in generations safely?#'i get what kinkajou means but it feels almost like having to disclaim your trans or disabled. Is a bit fucked' is what my friend said #it's the same fucking thing as 'i'm losing the person i once knew' but perhaps not in those words and not nearly as harshly #i know kinkajou comes around to moon eventually and they remain friends. but there's something REALLY fucked about it imo #same friend pointed out there's a queerness to this which i will 100% agree on like it stings on a personal level #like. look i still like the series but man reading it critically and interacting with it in a more adult lens #is definitely an action i am doing right now.#i think i'm still correct in saying darkstalker was a child. evil is not created in a vacuum. hatred is taught not inherent.#it does not excuse him from the evil he did commit. but he was a child. he was a FUCKING ABUSED CHILD. augh. (quietly losing my mind)#rex rambles

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void-of-unparalled-chaos · 5 months ago

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The Healthcare horrors persist

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#Updates on this whole mess:#Im insured under my dad #he has Healthcare option 1 which is government provided since he is retired millitary and option 2 due to his new job #after his retirement option 1 went funky for me and changed things around meaning i was no longer able to be seen by my pcp #Im also unable to log in to any of my accounts for 1 so im not sure whats going on there and what plan of 1 i have specifically #so i switched to a new pcp which accepted option 2 (which was super hard to find) literally last week #made an appointment with her for next month so i can finally get answers about my funky blood test results #(which is still don't know what specifically is wrong with it! for all i know i could just have high cholesterol-#or i could have markers for rheumatoid arthritis instead of my prior fibromyalgia diagnosis!)#(i also do not get refils for my anxiety medication until i have an appointment with my new doctor)#crisis averted right? WRONG!#I just got a call from my Dad saying he is switching jobs so I am no longer insured under 2 #meaning...#1) i need to call option 1 and figure out how to get into my accounts and what my insurance is #2) check that this pcp acceprs said insurance #3) find yet another pcp if she doesnt and make an appointment for god knows when #and here is the kicker:#since option 1 is government and millitary based it is going to take FOREVER to get anything done #And Im not sure if they are going to want me to renew my millitary dependent ID or not #because that shit is EXPIRED and i was under the impression i can no longer renew it due to his retirement #but also in order to make any acoount with option 1 they require a benefits number which expires alongside the ID #Then on the other side of things i also have my wisdom teeth surgery to schedule (through my mom thank god)#and school starting again in a few weeks #going to defenestrate myself istg

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smile-files · 3 months ago

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i have no desired answer for this!!!!! don't feel pressured to pick an answer based on what my gender actually is :)

responses will inevitably depend on what way you've interacted with me: have you been a long-time follower of mine, or are you new? or did you find this poll by chance, and don't even follow me? are we mutuals or online friends? do you frequently engage with my chatty text posts? have you heard my voice, talking or singing? do you know what i look like and how i dress? do you know which characters i kin? etc.

like all people i'm interested in how i come off to people, so if anything this is just a way for me to get a sense of that lol :P

#melonposting #poll #i'm not defining masculine or feminine here #one's impression of someone in that regard inevitably takes into account society's ideals of masculinity and femininity #whether one fully adopts them or otherwise #those ideals are inarguably there and they impact how people as a whole see each other #i'm not saying i'm using those ideals here. but someone might look at me through that lens #and y'know someone could be like hm. ellie doesn't fit society's ideal of masculinity #but in my view of masculinity which is inevitably in conversation with that ideal #i see them as masculine #y'know??#i thought of this partly because when talking about lesbianism with a friend once he said i was a femme lesbian #and i've always wondered 1) am i a femme lesbian?#2) what about me would make him call me a femme lesbian as opposed to a butch lesbian (or something else)?#3) if the average straight person knew i was lesbian would they think i'm femme or butch? what about a fellow queer? a fellow dyke?#cuz i guess i'm more feminine than your average guy but more masculine than your average girl #does one of those overpower the other? do they mix into a dual gender impression? or do they cancel each other out?#yeag :thumbsup:

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aroaessidhe · 2 months ago

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2024 reads / storygraph

Better Left Buried

sapphic YA thriller

on the way to their vacation, a girl’s private detective mother gets a call and they stop off at a small Appalachian town - and find the dead body of the patriarch of a local rich family at the abandoned amusement park he owned

she finds out her mother grew up there and is desperate to find out more about her past, and help find the murderer - along with a local girl who’s a suspect, because of her own past with the rich family.

#better left buried #sapphic books #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #this is okay! but I think a couple weeks later im like idk. forgettable.#it’s decent but I have no strong feelings about it #oh my god does this girl constantly put herself into reckless danger holy shit #also why is her hair blonde on the cover when it’s red in the book?#also a me specific thing….she calls her mother by her first name……! i get the impression it's #implying it’s because they have a strained relationship but it doesn’t Explicitly say it is. so i’ll take it. hashtag representation #(sometimes people just do that! normally!)#once again i am so behind on reviews

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rohirric-hunter · 4 days ago

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I gotta call my dentist office and ask a question and I'm dreading it because the receptionist is just. So mean.

#she says mean things every time i call #and she seems to be under the impression that the dentist checks to make sure i can afford a procedure before he does it #no dentist i have ever had has ever once quoted a price on a procedure that can be done in the office #this office is no exception #they just do the procedure #i find out how much it costs on my way out #and this office is no exception #so i was calling a few months ago about an emergency and i was like 'what happens if i cant afford it'#and she was like 'well then we wont do it'#and i was like 'what?'#and she was like 'we arent going to do something if you arent going to pay us'#and i was like 'no come on now. how am i gonna know whether or not i can afford it?'#and she was like 'are you suggesting youll tell us you can afford it and then not pay?'#and i was like 'excuse me?'#and she was like 'dont take that tone with me'#and then i hung up because what do you say to that????#does the dentist tell HER how much it costs?????#and last time i was there i saw some other dentist i hadnt seen before and i gotta find out how to make sure i dont see her again #i told her i couldnt floss the regular way and i have this water flosser as an alternative but i had a question about it #and all she had to say about that was 'water flossers arent very good. floss the normal way'#and then she shut down the conversation and wouldnt talk about it again #and i asked her to refill my prescription for high flouride toothpaste and theres a note in my file to order the fruit flavor and not mint #well guess what flavor i got when i went to pick it up #just a horrible thoughtless woman #i am scared to go back

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permanentreverie · 10 months ago

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#ok so mini rant session #i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying #really hard and genuinely enjoying #and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided #i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well #and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it #called for my immediate dismissal #that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS #and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was #understanding and others i just simply wasn’t #and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder #and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever #but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc #MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other #and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person #and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt #anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me

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wild-at-mind · 10 months ago

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Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately.#i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones'#who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry)#and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'(#like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

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blueseysyogurt · 3 months ago

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what is in the air that is making writing the wip i forgot about for months suddenly so easy to continue right now? the words are floating out of me; i am simply a vessel for the ghost of some late writer at this point. because i genuinely can't believe that i'm actually writing AND that what i'm writing right now is actually good.

#do these words make sense or am i just typing random letters #i can't tell #i think i forgot how to read #definitely didnt forget how to write though #im actually so impressed with myself #if this wasn't just me writing to procrastinate on doing more important things #I ACTUALLY ALMOST FINISHED WRITING AN ENTIRE CHAPTER #WHICH IS WILD TO ME #because writing more than 200 words in one sitting is usually an impenetrable feat #but boy am i on fire!!#somebody call the fire department to put me out!!#actually dont because i want to keep writing like this #these tags are getting out of hand #but i doubt anyone is reading them #OK BACK TO MY GOOGLE DOC #google vs sleep deprivation let's see which one takes me out first #I JUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO ΩΩ ON MY COMPUTER?? just thought i'd share #that's all #ok #bye

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redhotarsenic · 4 months ago

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god it's like i'm living a constant nightmare. i don't do this shit for my health. this stupid bullshit got so far that my friend is suffering both emotionally and through his income and none of these people are comprehending how massively serious this is.

#im so fucking tired. it's so scary seeing this shit happening to my loved one and cosplayer man is complaining essentially #that i'm not being mature or rational about this shit #like i'm supposed to continue being pleasant and amicable like i usually would be #like i'm not seeing how massively this is affecting my loved one #and sure you can be sorry all you want and i'm sure you are! but you can't expect me to 100 percent be on board when you say that to me #and then in the same breath call my friend mentally unstable like i'm not gonna be hearing about it #and this so called mental instability has a very clear root cause! he knows it and i know it! so!#like?? am i CRAZY??#i think it's fairly reasonable that i am not acting like a NIce Person right now!#i could ATTEMPT to impress upon him how serious this shit is but if i did would that even get anywhere??#sure as shit wouldnt be right now because i have shit going on irl and it's taking up 99 percent of my mental/emotional capacity #i just. fuck.

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zapsoda · 5 months ago

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kneeling and whining like a dog and saying "not on the face" before being shot in the head...... i cant believe people dont like this season

#i can see how the plot will in no way be resolved in 2 more episodes but gosh............. wow................#this is another one of those times when i understand the dilemma of not knowing whether you want to be someone or just want them in general #i think its the latter and i just like people who are similar to me in an egotistical selfcesty sort of way #sucks that i dont give much of a fuck about the main plot but i LOVE feeling smarrt because i can call out the bad sci fi science #and i love my silly guy and i love claire and allison and viktor sooooo #i am getting the impression that lila. will cheat on diego w 5 lol #which is fun i love that sort of degeneracy <- reclaimed tbh

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stargazinglesbian · 9 months ago

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i just showed my friend my alphabet that i created that's how you know i love and trust her

#honestly couldn't tell if she was impressed or deeply concerned #i'm still trying to figure out the r symbol and it's plaguing me #calling it an alphabet sounds lame but i can't call it a language because i have no vocabulary #this is the second time i've made up a whole ass alphabet and then just stopped at vocabulary #it's so BORING #this didn't even start as a real alphabet just a bunch of symbols i could use to write my angry gay ramblings in #and then i decided to get rid of double letters and the letter c and a bunch more and write everything how it SHOULD sound #and now it takes me 20 minutes to read #chat should i bring this up in therapy or am i probably fine #original post #shitposting #shitpost

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