#But I can't not point out how this fits into patterns I've discussed before

[bisolationist]

This is the part that makes me go. Oh. Hmm.

The response seemed more along the lines of "well OBVIOUSLY it's true that men being sexually assaulted is an immeasurably lesser crime on the spectrum but we should be nice because maybe individually they're really hurt by it uwu"

This is what I mean by how I'm tired of subjectivity-of-experience being a vaguery by which people concede that our trauma (subjective response) might be great while the harm (objective crime) is vastly lesser. I already wrote a very off-hand post about this and I can't believe we even got another assault comparison. Now this response wasn't nearly so bad as what I was referencing to there, but it's still the same pattern of buying into that rhetoric.

The OP's response is seemingly compassionate (and I think there's genuine compassion behind it!), but imo is a rhetorical dead-end and hollow of meaningful criticism.

Saying that someone's trauma-response to something might merit compassion is good of course, but it does nothing to combat the implication that it should be a far lesser crime in terms of punishment, and seems to implicitly concede the anon's rhetoric on it being a different magnitude of harm. People already know different people react to events differently. But if they see you reacting strongly to something they seem mild, they see you as weak, manipulative, or both. So to people like anon, I think this response doesn't refute any of the beliefs they are espousing, it just reinforces the idea that male SA victims that exhibit trauma responses are reacting strongly to something mild and should be treated accordingly.

All of this to say... uhm, like sorry but sometimes the correct response is to say "being sexually assaulted is not like breaking a fucking ankle being sexually assaulted is not like breaking a fucking ankle being sexually assaulted is not like breaking a fucking ankle", not to plead the case that broken-ankle victims might FEEL as bad as someone who was violently hatecrimed, because that implicitly concedes the premise.

Note on that: not lost on me that the example chosen, a broken ankle, is something more associated with accidents. I've also written before on how people are determined to view victimization they think is unimportant as accidents/collateral and go out of their way to examine it as such (I talk about biphobia being talked about this way too, but I think it carries over to a lot of experiences).

[notallwonder]

thinking again about cme 17x06. as one does.

Spoilers.

I wasn't going to post because I wrote this in a sort of fugue state after staying up super late watching the ep over and over when it first dropped. but I like having a record of what I was thinking, such as it is.

Esp about the brief discussion of BAUgate, and how jj specifically says her beef is that emily wasn’t honest with “...us, with *me*”. emily’s “I am” is earnest, but she’s on a slightly different page than JJ cuz she follows that with “honestly, I want to quit”. Emily’s still drowning in her feelings about how the job is fucking her up, jj’s just over here trying to be real with her about their relationship. And it really sounds like there’s more to the “it’s about being honest with *me*” than just BAUgate. Like….is JJ wanting more honesty about whatever the fuck happened to them? It’s not a huge stretch. I love AJ Cook's performance. when I first got into the jemily of it all with cm I was very focused on Emily but as time has passed and I've watched and rewatched, it's become clearer that JJ a huge engine driving what makes jemily interesting to me.

I’ve seen folks theorize that Emily’s knowledge of BAUgate is what caused the perceived distance between her & JJ in s16, but I personally don’t fully buy into that. Emily became unit chief in 2017ish, and section chief presumably sometime in 2020-2022. It’s unclear when she was briefed on BAUgate. She tells Luke about it like it’s mostly a done deal she inherited the problem/information, the issue was apparently dealt with, and she made a judgment call about informing them. But as he pointed out, you know once it’s on the Internet it lives forever. She’s can't be naive about that. And I think she's glossing over it a bit to try to calm him down. We’ve been given no indication that Rossi had this info, though he probably knew broad strokes, and he was UC for some amount of time. My guess is she was briefed in detail on BAUgate when she became SC. So I guess BAUgate could be a component of s16 tension with JJ, especially insofar as this is a big unspoken thing that Emily has shouldered alone in order to shelter her team/friends, and is potentially emblematic of a larger pattern of Emily withholding information and not feeling free to be open with JJ as a friend because of her professional responsibilities. But I think if we take their distance seriously it has to go deeper than this one thing. Because the weirdness between them goes back further than evolution. It’s also in the way JJ chose to fuck off to New Orleans instead of taking over as UC as Emily planned. [where does this fit in the “we don’t quit” narrative that JJ spins?]. It’s in the way we don’t know exactly why JJ & Will decided to move back to Virginia. It’s in the way some awkwardness, resentment, isolation, hurt, whatever brewed between them during the pandemic years (and before!), and perhaps unspoken history made it difficult for them to be normal with one another on a personal level.

To me, the weirdness of their interactions in s16 is most egregious in the lack of direct comfort/interaction after JJ & Luke were blown up in the shipping container. And maybe a little in the fact that Emily so happily greeted Will, of all people, when they all returned from California (made me laugh so hard my god). But the relative stiffness of their interactions has been consistent since season 12/13, I think (thinking about the what ifs/if onlys convo). As though one or both of them were making an effort to be professional but not too personal, or keep it benign and surface level because dealing openly with whatever they had going on deep down would be too painful.

I’m so glad this convo happened in a more relaxed setting. They were going to have a talk at the office! it would have been more buttoned up, might have even played more into the underlying tension between them. It wouldn’t have been JJ trying to keep Emily from quitting. Could have been harder for Emily to really hear all of what JJ was saying to her, in that environment.

Speaking of all of what JJ was saying. !!!

I agree this is a confession of love. And it’s fucking beautiful. It’s JJ being vulnerable about how much Emily’s presence in her life means to her. JJ’s telling Emily that they are stronger than their predecessors in part *because they have been a source of strength for each other, for years.* Paris, the miscarriage, yes. And, and. JJ is and has always been so strong as an individual. But Emily was also JJ’s quiet strength in Georgia, the hospital waiting room, the stalking case, the bank robbery, in Reid & Penelope’s abduction, in East Allegheny. JJ saw and believed in Emily’s humanity - her hidden dreams - from early days. She pulled her through those bleak 7 months in exile. How many times has JJ taken the sting out of Emily's mood like she did on the jet in 11x19 Tribute? JJ is making herself a source of strength for Emily, right here in this conversation (*make* them fire you!, don’t just roll over). They have such a history of mutuality: of comradery, kindness, deep care, showing up. It’s not romantic in name but can easily be read that way. It’s *really* fucking romantic, even if it’s platonic. Do you know what I mean???????

I’m obsessed with AJ Cook’s choices throughout. OBSESSED.

The way JJ pauses for that moment after “it gives me you”, making steady eye contact, letting it really sink in. She got brave, and it landed. Then she kind of rolls her eyes at herself, maybe a little annoyed at the tears starting to come, maybe a little embarrassed that she’s letting this truth out into the world.

And the “Always.” Dropping eye contact, retreating from the moment a bit. A bit afraid to watch Emily’s reaction - but also she does very deliberately look directly at Emily again for a split second! That “Always” has carried a torch, for a very long time. That “Always” at least never admitted to Emily how much it hurt when she left. How much the distance has hurt.

~ I’ve been through hell in this job but it brought us together (I love you). You’ve kept me going through awful things (I love you). Of course I’ll support you whatever you decide (I love you). I’ll always support you even when you leave me (I love you). You’ve left me before and it hurt and it didn’t stop me from loving you (I love you). Please hang on; please stay; please come back to me (I love you, I love you, I love you). ~

*gentle screaming*

And, oh my god, Emily’s reactions. Emily had no idea this conversation was going to go where it did. Immediately defensive when JJ mentions Paris - she’s still in the part of the game where she’s protesting being convinced to stay, and Paris feels like a low blow. The way she crumples into “oh goddammit” when JJ brings up the miscarriage. Oh now it’s clear this is going deeper. Like, WHAT is the full story there??!! JJ was pregnant when she came to Emily’s rescue, right? So the attack and miscarriage happened while Emily was tucked away in Paris. We know JJ was Emily’s only(?) connection to her real life in that period, and here’s confirmation that Emily was a lifeline for JJ during that time as well, perhaps implying that she wasn’t confiding in her husband, at least not fully. You know how JJ tends to keep the hard things to herself, and she was forced to keep secrets for her safety and Emily’s safety. But she shared this with Emily. Maybe Emily had to push her (she “didn’t quit” on JJ), but they were already both in the dark, so to speak, so JJ could let herself lean on that support without bringing that darkness into her home life. Emily’s “goddammit” to me sounds like: memories of grief upon grief upon desperate isolation. Sounds like: I put those memories away and it took something out of me to do it. Sounds like: That was when their love for each other deepened, grew richer and more complex. That was when something more might have started to bloom between them, some doomed but lovely unnamed thing. And then it was locked away. And JJ has the audacity to acknowledge it? Now? Emily’s been spiraling about what’s the point of fighting this battle, when I feel like I’m losing myself? And JJ calls up the memory of this awful, bleak time when they both felt horrendously lost and they *got each other through it.* I mean. I MEAN

I love Emily’s shocked reaction as JJ’s confession lands. Either Emily’s feelings never breached the platonic barrier (not my interpretation!), or she put away the possibility years ago and did her damnedest to not look back. You can see her wheels turning, her uncertainty about what JJ’s revealed, her wanting to tread carefully. And when Rossi texts and she has to make a choice? JJ’s looking at her with those big blue eyes. Time to table the full depth of the moment. Sprinkle in a little bravado. The thing about being an adult is, you still have to go to all hands meetings while you’re having an earth shattering realization.

……..

Another thing about “it gives me you.” JJ has probably resigned herself to the fact that working at the BAU is the only way she gets to “have” this much of Emily. It’s part of why she came back from New Orleans, even if never acknowledged or articulated.

You know it’s a good scene when it makes me want to watch a bunch of other scenes. Even scenes I hate. Like…I want to revisit Reid talking Emily off the ledge, the truth or dare confession (loathsome!), the scene where Emily decides to stay on as UC in s12 (love this one). The Forever People (Mr Macbeth my beloved).

Honestly maybe JJ’s poly and she doesn’t know it, hasn’t let herself consider it. She’s evidently got a lot of love to give. And that needn’t be framed as some kind of betrayal of her vows or callous carelessness with her friend’s hearts, not to my mind. Plus, like, three cheers for letting your love for someone simply be what it is, however amorphous or uncategorizable, however little you can or want to act on it.

*******

Oh my god I’ve watched this scene over and over and over. I have total brain worms about it. I feel insane. I forgot to eat lunch and dinner

*******

Jennifer Jareau. This is AJ Cook’s season, it’s her show now. I am all the way in forever and ever

.

.

.

when CME socials started posting Jemily stuff and AJ said “ultimate Jemily moment” and Paget lightly teased……I just laughed. Like, okay, sure, ancient CBS procedural. Sure, my little carousel of disappointments. Sure. LOL. After all these years, they are not going to go there, and I wouldn’t even want them to.

I did not in a million years expect them to crack open the door like this. I still don’t think they’re going to break up JJ & Will. I am not expecting a Jemily kiss. But after this episode - the pathway to such a thing is clearer than it was. And now I think if they did choose to go there, they could maybe (maybe!!) even do it well. Shocking development. Has a lot to do with AJ's performance tbh. The writing is fine, despite the way it seems to twist the facts of canon around bts reality. But she's the one laying JJ's heart bare.

.

.

.

If this is it, the full extent of JJ’s and Emily’s scenes together this season (which would be weird!), I will still walk away with warm feelings. I’m honestly feeling so grateful for the way this episode gave them room to honor the history of these characters.

Grab your keys. Let’s fuckin’ roll.

[tonydaddingham]

i know loads of other people have written and theorised about this, and there was an amazing post about how someone knew the actual owner of the bentley and how things had to get swapped around*, but for the sake of my own bloody sanity i needed to go through all the bentley snippets we see re: seat colours, interior door panel colours, and the bond transfers because otherwise it was going to drive me loopy-

*if anyone has a link for this post, please wing it over to me and i will link, it was really interesting!!!

let's start with the 1941 and 1967 flashbacks where we see the bentley: ✅ brown seats ✅ brown panels (as far as i can tell) ✅ bullet decal (1967):

then let's move to s1. tbh, i've only done this for the sake of full disclosure, but as far as i can tell, ✅ brown seats ✅ brown panels ✅ bullet decal (no pics but fairly content that they're there in all scenes):

*correction, apologies! middle right should be ep4!

and then, post bentley going up like kindling, and being resurrected by adam, we can see what looks to be black seats and, i'd hazard is an open window (given the lack of shimmer/reflection compared to the window on its left) - see we can't confirm the bullet decals. however - and mainly because it doesnt fit the pattern im about to lay out - this image is very zoomed in, and lighting quality isn't quite reliable. so personally, im considering this as inconclusive:

so now let's move onto s2. eps 1 and 2 are fairly straightforward, ✅ brown seats ✅ brown panels ✅ bullet decal:

episode 1: (3rd and 4th images are before and after the beelzebub interaction)

episode 2:

but here's where things get interesting (stating the obvious, i know that everyone knows this), but given that this is when aziraphale takes the bentley - after the very poignant "our car' discussion - we can see the following:

setting off from soho: ✅ brown seats ✅ bullet decal ❓brown panels, but likely

on the way to edinburgh: ❌ black seats ✅ bullet decal ❌ black panels

arrival in edinburgh: ❌ black seats ✅ bullet decal ❌ black panels

okay, well, he changed the bodywork and hubcaps too, so this makes sense. but black? for aziraphale? feels somewhat like it's a compromise; he's gone ostentatious on the outside, literally the colour of crowley's eyes, but red leather for the interior... is a little much. so he compromises - keeps the decals (to honour his knight in turtleneck armour), but changes the inside to a cool, suave black. very 007.

but then we go to ep4, and specifically when aziraphale is accosted by shax. now, clear point to remember - shax has to have permission to enter, and compared to ep2 when she asks but materialises inside anyway, she now waits for aziraphale to acquiesce. this is the difference between a demon's car, and a demon-and-angel-couple-who-arent-quite-yet-a-couple-but-thats-just-semantics' car. by this point, crowley has accepted, agreed, that it is their car.

hitchhiker: ❌ black seats ✅ bullet decal ❌ black panels

return to soho: ❌ black seats ✅ bullet decal ❌ black panels

ep5 carries on in much the same way as the end of ep4 - crowley has not changed anything since edinburgh, ❌ black seats ✅ bullet decal ❌ black panels (not pictured, but can be seen in the same bit as the first pic):

and then ep6, beloved. again, nothing has changed. crowley's window is, however, rolled down in the departure scene, so the decal can't be accounted for. that being said, im fairly sure we can be certain it's there (and i have a thought about why it's rolled down but tbh it's so arbitrary that it's barely worth mentioning imo). in any case, ❌ black seats ❓ bullet decal ❌ black panels:

now i know there's the whole separate thing about the exterior changing from light grey to dark grey/black, but tbh i think that is going to be down to the continuity issue with the original bentley used in s1. as for neil's answers on his asks, here and here... look. could be something of nothing, but i don't think personally it's a wider conspiracy; i think it could be just be either that yeah, maybe some of my colour assignments in the above screenshots are wrong, or he's doing his parent-teacher-writing thing of what do you think?

maybe not, maybe it was a continuity issue, and we just have to apply hc to this to get an explanation.

well, mine is just simply that it's not a nefarious issue or mucking about with time etc... i think crowley just accepted aziraphale's ownership, and whilst he drew the line at yellow bodywork (the respectable choice imo, tbh), he kept everything else.

[happyk44]

Okay before I go into the ASPD thing, wanna do a quick summary of what I have so far:

Zeus/Jupiter: OCPD and Autism (based on being the god of law and order, and justice, as well as king of Olympus)

Poseidon: BPD and ASPD (based on the idea of a moody and volatile sea)

Neptune: SZPD and ASPD (based on the idea of an emotionless and uncaring sea)

Ares: IED and ASPD (self-explanatory)

Hades/Pluto and Thanatos/Mors: infertility, and, in rare cases, sterility (self-explanatory)

Hypnos/Somnus, Morpheus, and the Oneiroi/Somnia: Excessive daytime sleepiness, maladaptive daydreaming (self-explanatory, have also been thinking about STPD and DPDR)

Aphrodite/Venus and other similar deities: Hypersexuality, NPD, BPD and HPD (first one is self-explanatory, I'm still thinking about the other three and might do a separate post about them at some point, also considering Body Dysmorphia but I have to do some thinking on that one as well)

Hermes/Mercury: Kleptomania (self-explanatory)

Now! Onto the main point: propensity of Antisocial Personality Disorder in children of the sea and children of war.

First things first, please check out @neurosharky! He has a lot of good posts discussing his experience with ASPD, and I found them very helpful in framing understanding around the diagnostic criteria.

The DSM-5 describes, "Antisocial Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for consequences and for the rights of others." It can only be diagnosed in people 18 years and older, and patients must have evidence of a conduct disorder being present before 15. They must show three or more of the following symptoms:

Disregard of the law, typically indicates by repeatedly committing acts that are grounds for arrest

Being deceitful, indicated by lying repeatedly, using aliases, or conning other for personal gain or pleasure

Acting impulsively, or not planning ahead

Being easily provoked or aggressive, indicated by constantly getting into physical fights or assaulting others

Recklessly disregarding their safety or the safety of others

Consistently acting irresponsibly, indicated by quitting a job with no plans for another one or not paying bills

Not feeling remorse, indicated by indifference to or rationalization of hurting or mistreating others

(Side note: the diagnostic criteria is so... idk, something about the phrasing makes me laugh)

Personally, I don't think Percy has ASPD. From my interpretation of canon, I think he cares and thinks too much of people. Not to say that people with ASPD can't care or think of other people, but from a "disregards the rights of other people", I don't think Percy fits. He does rise to anger quickly, and doesn't think much of his own safety, imo, so there are traits there but that's likely more related to BPD.

Now - the ocean, Poseidon, Neptune, Amphitrite, other ocean gods out there, my beloveds, they can be angry uncaring beauties. As I've discussed before and mentioned above, in PJO canon, I interpret Poseidon as being representative of the moody, ever-changing sea, hence the BPD. He's clingy, demanding, quick to anger, volatile, emotional, dramatic.

In PJO, the Romans eschew the ocean, so Neptune, although we never see him in canon, comes across as the opposite. He's detached from society, doesn't care about the people who cross his waters, doesn't care if you live or die, little emotion, flat, bored - so SZPD.

Their destructive ways are different across these lines as well. Poseidon will drown you because you've pissed him off and Neptune will drown you because he doesn't care enough to save you, no matter how hard you pray.

How does ASPD play into this? Think about the commonalities in both representations of the ocean - it will kill you without thought. It is unapologetic. A moody ocean will hurt you, an uncaring ocean will hurt you. Another thing I've come across is that ASPD is a defense against being controlled. You can't control the ocean! It does what it wants, and fuck you for thinking you're in charge of the seas.

Additionally, in SZPD, while alexithymia is common, most people appear to feel anger much more strongly than other emotions. Which makes sense, imo, anger is a very strong emotion and easier, for me at least, to make sense of. In BPD and ASPD, being quick to anger is fairly common. BPD and ASPD share impulsivity as a symptom as well.

Low empathy and little to no emotion is also a shared trait in ASPD and SZPD, as well as a detachment from society. For SZPD, it typically appears as a detachment from emotional connection, relationships, and/or socialization. For ASPD, it's more of a detachment from social rules. People with SZPD are asocial, people with ASPD are... well, antisocial, lol. People often mistake the latter for the former, but asocial is a preference for solitude and antisocial is a disregard for the feelings and wellbeing of other people.

So that's the ocean. Some ideas of how the comorbidities may present:

Coral is a daughter of Neptune with extreme SZPD. She has little interest in societal rules, and little understanding of morality and ethics. However, she - as much as she can with her SZPD - cares for her mom, and thus does her best to follow the rules her mom has explained or laid out for her. She doesn't have much capacity for remorse or guilt, and will hurt people without much regard for them. However, she purposely avoids interacting with others and so rarely is the instigating cause.

Melpomene is a daughter of Neptune with more prominent ASPD traits and SZPD. She has less severe alexithymia, and is easily prone to anger. She doesn't start fights, but she doesn't back down from them. If you fuck with her, she'll fuck with you. She has a basic, albeit still small, sense of morality, but lacks a code of ethics and the motivation to adhere to it. She does not care about other people's safety and will abandon them to their doom. This overlaps with her SZPD because she finds emotional responses uncomfortable and stressful, so panic and distress in others turns her away. Her detachment from people leads her to lie and manipulate people, typically to make them go away (SZPD) or put them in harm's way for the fun of it , or as revenge due to seeing them as trying to control her (ASPD).

In a child of Poseidon with BPD traits, ASPD may present simultaneously with a fear of abandonment that causes them to react violently towards whatever or whoever they perceive is causing the abandonment. They may disregard that person's safety and rights in order to keep them close at hand (think kidnapping, or physical harm rendering them immobile and dependent). They can rationalize their actions away (I need you, you're not allowed leave me, etc etc). Splitting may provoke their anger issues. Intense emotional mood swings might cause them to instigate or pick fights, and impulsive behaviour can lead to breaking various laws and ignoring their own safety.

I don't think any personality disorder is mutually exclusive to one another. There might be some that are more uncommon to be comorbid with one another, but I've seen discussion that comorbidity between personality disorders (i.e. having more than one) is fairly common. And in doing research into various personality disorders, I've seen a lot of people say things like, "SZPD with OCPD traits" - situations where they don't meet the full qualification for the second personality disorder, those traits aren't intense enough to be considered considered/presumably, or the secondary traits appear to stem primarily from their initial personality disorder rather than being it's own thing. So there's that too.

So yeah, think of the ocean. The beautiful, uncontrollable, dangerous, salty ocean.

Now for Ares and his kids. I separate Ares from Mars because Mars is considered more disciplined than Ares, he was less of bloodlust god, more orderly and held in higher regard than his Greek counterpart, and I prefer to view him that way in PJO canon.

So IED (intermittent explosive disorder) and ASPD are fairly self-explanatory in regards to the god of war and bloodlust, a deity noted to personify brutality and savageness. But I'll detail some stuff anyway!

The first child of Ares we meet is Clarisse. And the first thing she does when we meet her is bully Percy. The second thing she, and other members of her cabin do, is try to injure him during the Capture the Flag game. Someone (Percy, I think, I don't have the book on hand) points out that they'll get trouble for hurting him and she just shrugs it off.

So that's: disregard of other people's safety, easily provoked, rationalizing away the mistreatment of others (he deserves it for humiliating her), acting impulsively and not planning ahead (did they think about what would happen if Percy were seriously injured as a new camper with minimal training? what if someone interrupted them before Percy blew up the river? what was the end goal to hurting him?), disregarding the camp rules

Now I think part of the reason ASPD is not diagnosed in people under 18 is because, like we see with Clarisse in canon, some people grow out of their behaviour. With her, and probably much of her cabin, their anger issues - which I believe is something they have a higher propensity for as well, and that they share it with their Roman half-siblings - causes them to bully and hurt others.

A lot of personality disorders develop from trauma, and we also know Clarisse was abused in some way by her dad (re: Sea of Monsters) so her reactions towards other people may stem from that. Before 18 their behaviour is typically diagnosed as a conduct disorder, to which I imagine treatment and intervention is attempted to hopefully avoid it continuing into ASPD by adulthood. According to some quick research, about 25% to 40% of children with a conduct disorder are typically diagnosed with ASPD in adulthood.

I think it would be really interesting if Clarisse didn't age out of her aggressive behaviour, and maintained ASPD traits into adulthood. I guess a neat concept would be Silena managing to sort of "soften" that side of her, and then, in BoTL, when she's caring for Chris, it's a moment of "I will be better for them". So she works hard to keep her traits at bay, because she wants to be a morally good person for these two people that she loves - even if she still is an amoral person.

It would be cool if she and Percy talked about it. I tend to view him as a fairly amoral person as well, ascribing to the moral view of the people he cares about (his mom, Grover, Annabeth). So maybe after a spar, she asks how it's so easy for him to be so stubborn about right or wrong and he's just, "Well, I love my mom and the idea of disappointing her fills me with a dread so intense I want to vomit and/or kill myself."

"Gods, that sounds like shit."

"Yeah, it's not the greatest."

"I can't imagine being afraid of disappointing someone. But... I guess I do like making Chris happy. He's got cute dimples, you know?"

"Focus on that. Would beating the shit out of some newbie punk make him happy? Would it show his dimples?"

"... probably not. Ugh. This shit is hard."

"But you can do it."

"Yeah, I fucking can. What, you think I'm a wimp? Can't tough out being a normal person for my boyfriend?"

"... Yes."

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Not if I kill you first."

So those are my thoughts on the propensity of developing ASPD or traits of ASPD in demigods. For Poseidon/Neptune, it represents the uncaring, angry, and remorseless nature of the ocean. For Ares, it represents the brutality and bloodthirstiness of war.

Again, if you have any thoughts on anything that you think the nature of certain gods may cause their kids to be predisposed to, feel free to hit me up with your thoughts! It's probably pretty obvious to the people who follow me (see my recent ramblings about the Roman trio and their dissociation and literally everything I've ever written about Jason being raised by wolves 😂), but I love analyzing shit like this!

[meg2md]

Finished Volume 41 of Berserk, the last of Miura's work before he died, and I am unwell. I can't believe I didn't know about this series before recently!!!! I'm wrecked. It got me through the first three weeks of this night block, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to survive the last week when I'll just be perseverating on the unfinished story :(

I still have work I need to do (M&M, AROM/FSE demos, surgical skills session paperwork) but I'm just not motivated.... All I want to do is re-read Berserk, go to the gym, and roleplay Guts and Casca fucking shit up in various video games :') at least I have this weekend off, because I've worked essentially three weeks straight and I'm tired

I got my first pull-up back at the end of August but haven't been able to progress past 1-2 with "ok" form and we're mid-way through October. I pulled the trigger on a pull-up bar and am going to try and focus my gym workouts on training specific muscles used for pull-ups but not unassisted pull-ups themselves, since I think too much of my limited gym time is wasted spinning my wheels with possibly questionable form when I could just do them at home when I have a spare second. I feasibly can only make it to the gym twice per week. There's just isn't enough time in residency to get all my extracurricular work done, clean my apartment, and enjoy life/hobbies/friends if I do any more than that. Which is sad. It's like, what's the point of life? Will I look back in 10, 20 years and actually be happy with everything I've accomplished? I don't think the answer is necessarily "yes" right now because I'm lonely and overworked and not sure what the point of anything is (lol I'm doing gr8) but that's another discussion. The only thing I know is that my physique/fitness/athleticism is one of the only things even remotely in my control, even if it still feels mostly out of my control due to residency constraints (poor eating habits, no time)

And yet we struggle on (gatsu <3)

I lost my 24/7 keycard to my gym so I'm going to hit the nursing school "gym" when I get off in the morning, plan for a "pull-up supplement" routine as follows:

Elliptical warm-up x10 min

Should rolls with bar, straight arm for warm-up

Inverted rows (with rings if able, otherwise barbell)

Bench press

Seated cable row

Superset tricep dips/t-arm raise

Superset dumbbell pull-overs/y-arm raise

Straight-arm Pushdown

Wide-grip scapula pull-ups

Dead hang

Ab exercise/hollow body rocks

General things to focus on for pull-ups:

External arm rotation for scapular activation, chest up;

Generate push-up/pull-up/bench press from muscles between shoulder blades; don't pull from hands - imagine arm is upper jaw, side is lower jaw and "biting down" to close versus "pulling up" (drive from your lats)!;

Body curls - bring legs up to bar

Target wide grip because it's my weakness, can focus on lats and small shoulder blade muscles

Practice hard movements, assisted if needed, to develop neuromuscular patterns - don't break form!! Stay within ROM with good form!! High rep/volume these movements

Focus on shoulders AWAY from neck for pull-ups and push-ups; engage back

[bomberqueen17]

Lotfus Bralette Sewalong: Construction 1

ok things I've learned: it'd be easier if I used a different fabric for main and lining, and it would be easy if that fabric had an obvious right and wrong side. Despite all my labeling and stickering and everything I *still* sewed a panel in wrong, and it was a nightmare making sure everything was mirror-imaged correctly.

All that said, I had to unpick a total of one seam (but unpicked two by accident, argh), and there's a sudden point where you have everything assembled and you're like..... none of this needs labels any more, and you have to peel them all off before you can continue. And it comes suddenly. So.

I'm not finished but I'm really near the end. It's a lot of fussy little sewing, but the seams are like ten inches long max, it really doesn't take very long.

This being my muslin, I have focused on getting everything put together and have not paid attention to seam finishing, trimming, grading, pressing etc. My next version, I will do those things, but I've omitted them from this version because I still don't know if the thing is going to fucking fit, I'm not topstitching something if I might have to tear it all back out, though let's be realistic I'm not going to disassemble this thing, if it turns out unwearable I'm just going to cut the notions off and start over. It's not that much fabric. I will make minor tweaks probably, but generally it is not going to be worth it to pull this apart. (Exception: if it's too large I would cut seams off and sew it smaller. But it will not be too large, I already know that from the approximate shove-my-boob-meat-into-a-half-of-it not-exactly-try-on-- it is certainly not too big, but I can't tell if it's too small because without the elastic and fasteners it's not pulled closely enough to me to be sure. It feels like there's not enough fabric to go around, but I know the wide band elastic covers a lot of territory, so I'm reserving judgement.)

So. How far did I get? Well.

[img description: this is the cluttered basement setup. Image shows a blue rubbermaid tote lid with a tall rim leaning on a pile of stuff on a cluttered desk, and on the lid is a Kindle with the sewing instructions loaded up, one half of the bra cup assembled, several pattern pieces, and next to the rim is a large box of yellow-headed quilting pins.]

I sent this setup photo to my family groupchat when we were discussing what we're doing with our weekends. (One younger sister is camping in Vermont with husband and kid, the other was gardening and found a big shed snakeskin which was cool, Mom was visiting a brew pub in fort edward and sent a photo of what looked like a pole to me and said "there's edward" and i don't get the joke, and the oldest sister had just taken her daughter to get her ears pierced, which among our people is a sign of young adulthood. Not that it's relevant to the sewalong but this is my blog after all, LOL.)

I had to unpick a seam but progress was quick after that.

[image description: an assemblage of fabric, with a pin in it, going through the throat plate of a sewing machine. The lower fabric is pink, the top fabric white. Both are decorated with Sharpie marks around the edge. The pink is nonstretch nylon tricot, the white is heavy duty powermesh.]

When it came time to attach the powerbar to the cup lining, I felt that the video sewalong had said to have the powermesh side up. The issue here is that the bra cup and lining are non-stretch fabric, as the pattern is written, and the powerbar and back band are stretch fabric, specifically powermesh (which has superior recovery to other stretch fabrics and so is indispensible in bras and compression garments). And attaching stretch to nonstretch is always a little bit of a nightmare, and generally is inadvisable, but bras break the rules in many ways and that's why so many of us are intimidated about bras.

I discovered immediately that sewing with the nonstretch side against the feed dogs and the stretch side against the presser foot was a NO GO. The stretch fabric would get pulled by the presser foot wildly out of shape, and I kept having to raise the presser foot and shove at the fabric to keep it aligned, and I kept wobbling my seam all over the place and it was awful. So I flipped it over and put the stretch fabric against the feed dogs instead, and then had zero further issues. I have not re-checked the sewalong, and the pattern instructions do not specify, but for my own reference, always put the stretch fabric against the feed dogs, that is unambiguously what worked here.

I also broke my anti-topstitching-on-muslins stance here and did topstitch the seam after I attached the back band to the cups. I wasn't doing it anywhere else, but I think it's necessary there, to hold everything down. There's gonna be SO much strain on that seam.

[image description: a pale pink, quite substantial bra, though it only looks fully assembled, lying on the talbe in front of a sewing machine. There's no center gore so it's only arranged as if assembled. But the cups are visibly partly self-supporting, because they're now three layers of fabric, so they're approximately boob-shaped, and hilariously fleshtoned in this light, I did not think this through.]

I got this far, both cups and linings assembled, with the powermesh in the middle. And then I had to make the center gore, which didn't go together the way I expected at all. You sew it in two halves, and then sew the halves together, which I had not expected and could not make myself understand. I did it, and then re-watched the sewalong afterward, and i'm still not sure I did it right, but mine did go on and looks right so I guess even if I did do something not the way the sewalong suggests I did it right enough that it works.

The frustrating thing is that you make the center gore and then set it aside, though, LOL. So I had to make it, then put the neck elastic on, and then check again.

I was SO confused by the elastic. You sew it on right sides together, and then flip it to the inside of the bra and topstitch it from the outside. So you want to sew it in such a way that just a little edge of it, which may or may not have decorative picots because it depends what you bought, will overhang when you flip it. So you want to sew it down along the MARKED SEW LINE on your strap, and if there's a bunch of extra wobbly edges and shit, sew to the inside of that, and you can trim them off after. This is where you compensate for wobbly cutting and wobbly sewing and wobbly putting-layers-together, and it's brilliant.

I didn't do it right but I will next time now that I understand that. And Jenn from Porcelynne *does* explain that, explicitly, in the sewalong, but I watched the sewalong ahead of time and couldn't remember in the moment. So this is me reinforcing it: your whole neckline edge, sew that elastic just so and once you flip it, it will look like you lined everything up perfectly. And you don't have to stretch as you sew for the whole strap bit, and there's only a tiny bit of stretching as you sew down around the cup, and it ends right where your powerbar came in, so it's a nice continuous band of stretch all the way around your boob.

And THEN you stick the center gore in, sandwiched, before you flip the elastic, and it looks weird as hell and no way could this be right. But then once you flip the thing, sure enough, there's just a cute decorative bit of elastic between the cup and center gore, and it looks good as hell.

(I mean, it doesn't on my muslin, but it will when I make a nice version. My muslin is hideous LOL, and I'm not worried in the slightest.)

[image description: an expanse of pale pink fabric with disconcertingly peach-colored elastic running down the middle of it.]

That's what the elastic looks like topstitched down, and there's the center gore with a big sharpie mark down the middle because i meant to turn that bit to the inside but put it in backwards. Oh well.

and this is the back, where the elastic's sewn down: if I was doing a finished one, I could trim off all those odd little bits sticking out where the three layers of fabric didn't quiiiiite go together evenly, and it would look finished and polished and lovely.

[image description: a bit of pale pink fabric flipped to the back. The peach elastic at the top has a couple wobbly lines of stitching on it, and some sharpie-bordered white fabric is sticking out and looks wobbly and terrible, and there are unclipped loose gray threads from construction everywhere.]

I'm not even saving that much time by making the muslin shitty, LOL. I'm just figuring, I need to see how it goes together before I get hung up on the cute details. I have enough of this exact fabric to use it again, but I also have a cute kit, a bunch of salvaged notions, and an intense desire to use a whole variety of other nontraditional bra fabrics, so I'm not that worried.

I should buy cuter elastic though. Elastic can't really be salvaged, not nicely. I'll have to pick up some cute stuff with decorative picots and whatnot. The supply list doesn't specify that you need picots, but then the instructions assume you have them, which confused me. The point is, you should sew the elastic at a point where some of it will protrude past the turned edge, because that's the correct look and function, and you should buy elastic that's not too scratchy.

I know a lot of people are concerned with bras being scratchy. I personally have never been irritated by the seams or fabric of a bra, but I HAVE been wildly irritated by the edge of the hook-and-eye band, the tips of side boning if there is any, and the STRAP elastic being shitty. So I will be focusing my energies on those.

I'm also thinking about making a bra in one layer, with binding over the seams and the powerbar made of stretch lace with a decorative edge, and put on the exterior of the single layer. That would be possible. The two-layer construction of this is kind of bulky and I get why it's like that, but my heavy-duty chestmeats aren't necessarily that heavy-duty.

I'm also going to make this in knit fabric, and am perusing all the Cashmerette Club discussion boards (where much of the pattern design team does lurk) for pointers on alternate materials and such, and I'll compile what I learn and post it here don't worry. (The number one thing is that if you make it in knits, size down one cup size. The number two thing is that if you make it with a fabric that stretches, match the stretch between the outer and lining fabric, it HAS to be the same. And example one is a fellow-commenter told me she made the whole thing in powermesh, sized down one cup size as per recommendation, and it worked perfectly. So we have that as a datapoint.)

(I don't love powermesh for its own merits but I cannot deny, it recovers perfectly, until it doesn't and you throw the bra out, so from a functional standpoint, it's The Thing to use. I'm taking apart old bras for notions and that's the thing I see-- when the powermesh went, I had to stop wearing that bra. But most of them, I busted the underwire channeling or the hooks first. Because they were DDs and I was a J, mostly, but. Hey. Yeah some other time I'll write a post about my horrible struggles with bras and how long I spent with everyone telling me it wasn't possible to be more than a DD and i must be having a body wrong somehow.)

ANYhoo.

I had to stop to make dinner after attaching the neckband elastic and center gore. So at some point today I will venture back down and keep working. The next step is the underarm elastic, and then the straps, and then the hook and eye closure, and then it's done. So I'm pretty close really, but my cat just got into my lap so I won't be headed down there imminently, LOL.

cat tax:

[image description: a white lady in a chair heavily overshadowed by a small gray cat with a white chest patch in the foreground looking extremely smug]

She's helping me post.

[dinosaurcharcuterie]

The thrilling third installment of the Vacation Indecision Project continues with an early-ish start and...

Pinning. Because you can just use more pins to make up for a lack of confidence in your gathering abilities. It was about at this point that I realized I'd made the sleeve cuffs wrong, so those are getting attached differently than the designer imagined. Also, somehow, they seem to be... Partially? The wrong size? It'll be fine, it's fine, everything is fine.

Like the burrito method! That was easy-peasy. No idea why people are nervous about this, it's GREAT! I can't get my head through this yet, but I've not cut out the front placket or the keyhole bit, and there's still seam allowance in place.

We are not going to discuss these teenie tiny plackets or how long they took. All daylight was gone by the time I finished these. I'm supposed to put BUTTON HOLES in one of the straight one? Not happening. Just... No. Was I supposed to add seam allowance to those pieces???

At least I can get my head through.

The.. collar doesn't fit. First the cuffs are too small, now this is way too big? What's going on? Definitely starting to get annoyed that this pattern had me add my own seam allowance when there's clearly spots where a very specific seam allowance was intended. At least I can shorten it, I suppose, but this is odd.

At least I got the ruffle hemmed earlier. But after gathering both skirt pieces and sleeve cuffs I'm done trying to fight my machine into finding a big enough basting stitch. I'm hand basting this puppy in four sections, then pinning up the sides of the dress itself.

I could probably finish this today. It just needs the collar attached and the sides seamed up. The pockets closed. The ruffle and sleeves added. Three hours, maybe. Except I'm tired, and it's vacation time and I'm gonna take a nap before I sew my fingers to this.

We're down to just six unfinished pieces right now.

[wheeloffortune-design]

Alright alright tonight's lesson before my sleeping pills knock me out is about how to socialize when you don't know how

You will need:

a genuine interest in people

some premade sentences

practice

bravery

So you're a neurodivergent adult who wants to make friends? Let this awkward weirdo of an extrovert explain a technique refined over decades.

The most important lesson I could impart you is:

We all want friends.

So you can go into the world knowing that other person would also like to be your friend.

Step 1, the hardest thing you've done in your life: The opener.

Listen, this sucks, but this whole operation rests on the idea that everyone hates taking the first step so might as well do it yourself.

You and person B are in a social situation. You have never talked, but you would like to. So you can borrow one of these:

I love your dress! Did you make it yourself? I love the pattern.

Oh, nice Deadpool tshirt, hello, fellow fan!

Wow I can't believe Linda left us without making presentations. Hi, I'm Carol.

Oh hey, I've seen you work over there, I'm right over here! 6 am shifts, huh?

Well this awkward silence won't break itself. Hi, I'm Tracy and I like horses. You?

I haven't seen you at these parties before! Come, sit with me, let's talk. Who do you know here?

The point is:

Greeting

point something you might have in common

ask a question.

(you'll find your favorites eventually).

Attention, muy importante:

YOU NEED TO BE GENUINE

It needs to be true. You need to find the other person interesting, and be curious and joyful about them.

These premade examples only work if the feeling behind is true.

Step 2: Be interested

There should be the start of a conversation going. You can ask about what they do, what interests them, whatever follows your opening line. And then react favorably.

Ex:

'Yeah, I'm a statistician.'

'I know absolutely nothing about numbers so I'm impressed. What exactly is it that you do?'

or

'I work at the McDonald's down the street.'

'I heard working there is exhausting, working on your feet and being nice all day long sounds tiring.'

Once again:

You need to be genuine in your delight. People are different, jobs are all respectable and hard to do, you can empathize with everyone over being tired/it's the weekend/can't wait for summer/etc.

Step 3: The middle

We're all awkward, we're all weird, and we mostly all learned how to fit in society despite being err, too much.

So I suggest: go with the level of masking that feels natural at first, and still keep a part of your true self ready to shine, because the goal is for them to get used to you gradually. This is, after all, a first meeting.

Ex: I slow down my speech, try to tone down the excitement, but I won't change my opinions or personality. So you do whatever has worked for you in the past.

Also, we're all a bit too nerd and too online, so I guess we got a lot of quotes and preinstalled humor. If used correctly, they work with regular people and they end up thinking you're super witty when you actually just quoted Parks and Recs.

Step 4: The end

In the end of the conversation, you should get a feel if you'd like to stay acquaintances or if you'd really like them as a friend.

How to close with acquaintances:

I was glad to meet you! Hope to see you at Sam's next birthday, haha!

Yeah, the convention was great, let me give you my discord--

My break is over, gotta go. See you around, Ted!

Vague acknowledgement of seeing them in the future, nothing concrete.

BUT if you want to become friends, you're gonna have to put the work, and plan the next time you'll see each other:

This was great, I loved talking about your opinions on subject X. Do you think we could get a coffee, sometime next week, so we can continue the discussion?

You guys are so cool. Do you want to go see the next marvel movie? Yeah, invite that other friend too! Ok I'm sending facebook invites, I'll make an event--

Next week we can do Mario Party and beer at my place.

Mostly, this step requires you to work, organize, and be dependable. People want to be invited to things, but often won't do it first. They'll be grateful that someone else is taking the initiative.

And you will need to do it more than once, too. Establish channels of communication and feed them with conversations, jokes and memes.

And keep inviting them to things. Becoming friends takes time, you have to make sure to create that time.

Hope this can help a couple of you.

be direct, be genuine, be consistent

[waheelawhisperer]

I'd consider Blake's behavior vis-a-vis Yang in V7 more 'optimistic but cautious' than 'submissive', but fully agreed on some sort of discussion with words and stuff now that the plot might not be dragging them along at a Houndy-lugging-Ren breakneck pace. Also, solid point about the baked-in survival fawning reflexes Blake's struggling to set aside. Also also yes Yang neeeeedsss life outside Ruby & vice versa.

I evidently did not make this clear enough in the original post because a few people have mentioned this now, so that's my fault entirely for poor wording, but I wasn't claiming Blake acts submissively, I was specifically referring to the way Bumbleby detractors describe her behavior and insist that Rooster Teeth can't write a queer relationship without making one of the people in it "the man" and one of them "the woman". Like, I have gripes aplenty of my own with the writing, I think I've made that clear at this point, but some people really do seem determined to interpret every choice anyone who's worked on this show has ever made in the worst light possible.

I definitely think Blake is insecure about her current relationship with Yang and is falling back on unhealthy patterns because she hasn't had the time to learn healthy ones (and I don't blame her for it! You don't just... get over abuse in a day!), but I do also agree that she's a lot more optimistic about this one than the last one. There's hope for her going forward, she just needs time, experience, love (not just from Yang!), and support.

The Bees needing to talk their issues out (starting, but not anywhere near ending, with the fact that they fucking killed a dude!) is one of the many reasons I wish we'd gotten 2 Volumes in Atlas before Salem arrived. While I think Yang and Blake were absolutely in the right in shuffling Adam's edgelord ass off of this mortal coil, killing someone is still a major event. It still carries a lot of trauma, and we don't really see either of them work that out outside of a brief conversation in Volume 7.

Speaking of that conversation, something I find really interesting about it is that Yang is noticeably less bothered about killing Adam than Blake is. Now, I'm sure part of this is because of Yang's horribly unhealthy habit of repressing and internalizing her own emotions because she thinks someone else needs her, but I think part of it is that she's also... just genuinely less affected by killing another person than Blake is. It fits with what we know about her family, at any rate: we've seen Ruby's killer instinct time and again throughout the series (absolutely based choice by CRWBY to make her willing to go for the throat), Raven Branwen canonically personally murdered at least one person and is responsible for the deaths of many more, and Qrow is Ozpin's primary agent, his best weapon against Salem's inner circle at the start of the series, so I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's done a little wetwork of his own. He's certainly not conflicted about attempting to kill either Tyrian or Ironwood, at any rate. I think it would be a really cool choice for someone as warm and compassionate and loving as Yang to share that killer instinct, that mama bear willingness to put a motherfucker in the dirt if given a reason.

I really hope we get a conversation in Volume 9 where Yang finally opens up to Blake about how much it hurt her when Blake left. I hope Blake opens up about the way she blamed herself for everything, because that's what Adam taught her she should do. I hope they finally, finally, stop papering over the cracks and build a truly strong and healthy foundation for their relationship based on mutual communication and understanding.

I love these two so much, and I just.... want them to be okay. I want them to be happy and safe and loved and not constantly cut and torn by their own traumas and crushed by the weight of the world. I want them to be vulnerable with each other. I want them to talk.

[nightswithkookmin]

Jikook and Taekook in The Soop: Ep 06 Analysis

PREFACE

This discussion is a continuation of my opinion piece on Soop episode 06. I explained in that post, how I think Soop was initiated by BigHit and BTS to repair and replenish the dwindling bond of the group as prior to Soop, there had been some friction between some of the members which could be traced as far back as November last year and had only increased exponentially through to March this year.

Now I said this without prejudice, and knowing full well there are a ton of content withheld from us in the present day likely to be released years from now that may reveal a moment, a behind scenes, that to others may seemingly counter this perception of mine.

But like my theory on the Jikook break up moments, I stay my ground. I don't draw my conclusions based on a single moment of tension happening in isolation because they are human- a jet lag here and a muscle pain there could lead to an unnecessary outburst here or there. That's not it.

I look for patterns, take into consideration their personalities, note how a moment impacts or is likely to impact those established values and patterns of behavior that BTS themselves consciously contribute to to influence their public image and reputation- I take this delulu business pretty seriously you know? Lol.

For instance, when I say Jikook broke up it's mostly because I've noticed that over a period of time, certain things that make Jikook a couple to me are no longer present between them, in the way they interact, rather than that there was a few seconds tension between them in random moment on screen.

And I am well aware, that when some people say they feel Jikook are broke up that they are basing their conclusions off of their own insecurities about them rather than that they have seen enough, thought through enough about those observations to reasonably draw such conclusions.

For example, because to them Jikook interactions is their evidence of a romantic relationship, then Jikook not interacting in a random moment would indicate to them that something is wrong and that they are broke up- basic delulus.

I employ a different metric. Not better, just different. For example, I used them not knowing certain things about themselves within certain periods as an indication something is off.

This is not a hard rule. It could be random but when the information they are in the dark about came into existence within a period I suspected they weren't a couple due to other things I had noticed within said period, then that becomes a confirmation of that period for me. Feel free to disagree.

Jikook know everything about eachother, EVERYTHING. Or at least, they act like they know or should know everything about eachother.

They love to be the ones to know eachother the most and love to show off their knowledge about eachother like in the recent Bangtan Bomb when JK said he knew Jimin could touch his toe when he stretched.

'See, I told you he could touch his toe.' he says with pride. Then the bit about Jimin and beans, Jimin and the convenience store underwear etc.

So when JK suddenly doesn't know Jimin took pop dancing or when Jimin acts surprised that JK had gimbap it raises an eye brow. No?

What's more concerning to me is their reaction to news like this. JK zoned out for a bit and Jimin looked confused out of his wits in those instances. You could tell its something that really bothered them.

And while this may be an isolated incident for most, it's usually not for me or even surprising to me. Because, as explained, usually moments like these fit into an established pattern of inconsistent behaviours identified within those specific timelines prior to such moments, from my observation.

And I see most people also don't know how Jikook looks like when they are not 'together.' Which is also part of the problem.

To most people, a Jikook break up would look like the apocalypse up in BTS- it's not.

I've said several times in my blogs, if you believe Jikook are real then pay attention to what they are and not what you expect them to be. Their relationship parameters are set by them not us and our ideosyncracies.

To me and the way I see them, a Jikook break up is and would always be a return to friendship.

When Jikook break up they revert back to being friends. Friendship is their default, in the group setting anyway.

And as I've said, they lose or strive away the qualities that make them a couple during break ups but at a bare minimum their friendship will be there- for the harmony of the group.

And I think this is why some Jikookers theorize that Jikook knew the consequences their relationship was going to have on the group before entering into their relationship.

While I disagree they thought things through before deciding to commit to a romantic relationship, I agree that they know and have considered the impact their relationship can have on their group.

It is why they revert and will revert to being friends during times like that so their break up and conflicts doesn't affect the dynamics of the group.

I think this is one thing they both very much understand and commit to, to make sure their shenanigans doesn't impact the dynamics of the group- they owe their bandmates that much.

It is also this understanding that allows them to thrive and hide within the group.

What all this means is that, in times of a break up, the skinship will very much be there, the wearing the same attire will be there, the wearing the same bracelets will be there, they will still ride together if they have to- because none of these is what make them a couple!

And a fight is not a breakup, mind you. Often when they fight, I find they may not want to be around each other among other things but they don't lose the qualities that make them a couple.

You can still see their couple aura in such times. Whereas in the case of a breakup those couple qualities disappear entirely. In my opinion.

Perhaps I should make a blog post on what I feel makes Jikook a couple and how those qualities disappear around the times they break up? I'll think about it.

I have stated over and over that, skinship, car sharing etc are all not in any way indicative of a romantic relationship, not to me anyway. And honestly, if you can't tell between Jikook as friends and jikook as a couple- do you even deserve rights? Consider your delulu membership revoked. Lol

And if you aren't observant, shy away from angst, see them as a fantasy rather than actual human beings in an actual romantic relationship- subject to change, subject to growth, susceptible to temptations; if you mistake things that make them friends for things that make them a couple you would not spot their break ups when they happen. Or worse, you'd dismiss and overlook them when they do happen.

Deadass, you could be very much looking at the end of Jikook but still screaming power couple extraordinaire-

Isn't that where we are with Taekook? People mistaking all the things that make them friends for a romantic couple?

People dismissing all the questionable moments that's happened between them over the years- like Tae saying he couldn't even tell JK had been given a mission to ignore him because Jk ignores him anyway behind cameras, Tae's passive aggressiveness towards JK like in the VLive he exposed Jikook, the missing birthday wishes on Twitter etc- and not reflecting on them enough to critically examine their impact and what it says of the state and nature of their relationship?

Taekook in the Soop is an indictment of the shipping community. But I am not here to police anyone's delusions- freedom of belief, speech and all that jazz.

What I am here to do today, my dear delulu colleagues, is to examine Taekook in the soop and share my thoughts on the infamous conversation they had in that episode.

I will also be pointing out a few observations I made about Jikook in that episode that I feel will help shed more lights on the current dynamics between Jikook which further proofs Jikook is real.

TAEKOOK IN THE SOOP

Taekook's conversation in Soop 06 is shaping out to be one of the most controversial moments in the history of BTS ships.

To some it was a doze of reality, a game changer, if you will and had some people questioning their sanity while others jumped off the Taekook bandwagon all together.

But some die hard fans of the ship were quick to come up with a theory to explain away what had transpired that night as big bad BigHit curating that entire scene in order to bamboozle them and absolve themselves of all guilt for having previously separated Taekook and forced them to hide their relationship- scammers never die. Lol

Why would Taekook have that conversation on camera if it was that serious, they ask.

If they aren't close why did JK put his hands around Tae here? Why did he look at Tae there? They fist bumped in the background of this MV, surely they are a couple- y'all know how I feel about skinship being used as a determinant of romantic relationships so I'm just gonna roll my eyes here and keep it pushing-

This is what happens when you whimsically and randamly label a ship as real without due diligence, without conducting the necessary tests that allows you to reasonably assume that that ship is or could be real.

A ship is not real until it's breached the fourth way into alternative shipping and I'm sorry, Taekook has not breached that fourth wall. No other ship in BTS has breached that wall except Jikook. I have explained this over and over again.

How can Taekook breach the fourth wall when half of the moments, half of the content needed to establish it's piercing moment exists in the imagination of people?

By claiming BigHit hides, and cuts Taekook moments or any other ships moment, by claiming Taekook's interactions are mostly off camera, these shippers are shooting themselves in the foot and fooling no one.

Because what they are indirectly saying basically is there aren't enough moments to analyze upon whose findings we can draw such conclusions that Taekook is real.

I have a hard time believing Jesus is real and I'm a Christian. You think I'm about to buy that Taekook is real, based on faith??? Y'all tripping.

And no. The skinship don't count either. I mean people were running around the corners of the internet swearing up and down Jimin and Mina were dating based on their skinship until it was revealed Jimin had been abusing Mina all those years.

Skinship is performative and not a reflection of true intimacy or true bond.

That being said, yes I see Taekook's relationship. I see their dynamics. They are beautiful and as a multishipper- I really dig their bond. I do.

I have called them the evil power duo of BTS. I have said they don't have much intimate interactions between them on camera but when they activate their evil powers, lord do they set my insides on fire.

WHY FILM THAT BIT ON CAMERA?

For quality entertainment purposes. Lol.

Soop is a quasi self produced production by BTS. As such they themselves created the content, concept, decided where they were going to be, what they were going to do at what time and most importantly who they were going to be with or hang out with.

Everything was pre determined by BTS and the schedule was presented to BigHit- the camera crew and staff, beforehand so the staff knew where to place cameras, what equipment they were going to use and what props they are going to have to provide for BTS for effective filming.

Unlike run or Bon V where BTS have little creative control, BTS played a major role in the production of SOOP. So if that bit was staged then it wasn't staged by BigHit, but by BTS themselves- including Tae and JK.

I explained in my previous post, how I felt Soop is business but also BigHit's way of shutting BTS in a room and forcing them to settle whatever differences had crept up between them that had been affecting the dynamics of the group and threatening the longevity of their group around that period.

I said it was no different from Rookie King where they had an episode where BTS was allowed to shout their grievances off the top of a roof to foster unity among the members.

It's also no different from the missions they've are given from time to time or the love letters they have been asked to write to eachother. The objective of such projects have always been to bring the members closer, to build intimacy and to foster unity amongst them. Soop follows suit.

What's of interest to me and what you should be pondering over is what had led them all- BTS and BigHit, to embark on a project of this nature this time around.

BigHit is a business and can only stay on top of the game for so long if BTS is in the game. Them disbanding impromptu due to petty conflicts and misunderstandings amongst them will be a huge loss to BigHit.

And if you think petty issues aren't enough to bring down their empire- you are in the wrong delulu industry. Lol.

Kpop is wrought with stories of these nature. There are a lot of bands that debuted with and around the time of BTS's debut that are disbanded now due to the least misunderstandings- google it. I dare you to.

BTS do have issues from time to time that does threaten their band. How often have we heard them talk about almost disbanding? Remember 2018? Remember when JK cried because Hobi almost left the group? Remember when JK almost left the group to pursue a career in dancing?

The Kpop industry is hectic and brutal and bands within this sphere are fragile. it's easy to jump ship than to keep sailing. I mean, there's a reason Korean interviewers keep asking BTS their secret to staying together and for this long.

As RM puts it in the recent KBS interview, they are seven boys from different backgrounds in the same boat headed in different directions. That can create a lot of clashes here and there. So when tensions arise that they can help it, they take initiatives like Soop to help nip it and replenish their bond.

They don't allow issues to fester on to the point they want to go their separate ways. BigHit loves this about them and encourages that among them.

Do y'all see why I side eye people who claim BigHit is not happy with any pair within the group because they are real and wants to hide and suppress them?

Left to BigHit alone, BTS would be in one big happy gay polyamorous relationship with eachother if that meant the success and longevity of their business- they are depending on it. They would rather BTS keep the love in the barn than spread it elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

How are BTS portrayed in Tiny Tan? The bond you see in that animation is not just a reflection of BTS's actual bond but also a reflection of BigHits vision of their bond.

Jimin is portrayed as that hyung who is always watching over JK because he loves him so much. Tae is also portrayed as the one hyung who will dive to save JK. Tiny Tan is BigHit's ideal intimacy goal for the boys.

Again, BT21, how are their friendships portrayed in there?

It's absurd thus to think, believe or even assume that if there is an actual real intimate relationship between any of the boys, that Bighit's objective would be to hide and suppress it or even to kill it.

BTS's intimacy is a currency BigHit transacts with. But that doesn't mean BTS doesn't bank on it too. They are proud of their bond, often flaunt it. They know it makes them stand out of the lot and it's what has led to them staying together for this long in the business. They have a pretty strong bond.

They wouldn't have agreed to do this project Soop if they didn't want to or didn't think they needed it. They really love eachother as a team, as a band; they love working together and care about their careers unlike other bands we know. Cough, cough.

They are the blueprint and they know it. The last thing they want is for something as trivial as a misunderstanding to break them apart- Hobi said in his recent YouTube live how BE is their voice and an expression of their feelings and I can't wait to hear all the songs on the Album to understand what they've been through these past few months.

If building intimacy is the objective of Soop, then conversations like that of Taekook really shouldn't be shocking. It's to be expected.

If they felt the need to talk it's because they felt they was something they both needed to get off their chest.

Is a content of that nature good for ratings? Absolutely. Does that mean they performed it? No. Not at all.

It's similar to what Jimin did with JK in Rookie King in order to get closer to each other. They were friends. You think he couldn't have just approached JK off camera and told him how his actions hurt him?

How often have we heard RM or Tae ask if the cameras were they to capture a moment where the members have claimed to have cried and consoled each other?

See this is why people think Jikook is fake. They just don't understand that these boys choose to share certain intimate moments with the us out of love, out of a need to connect and have people share in their moments.

It's no different from BTS filming themselves screaming when they heard of that BB news. They share their joy, their pain and their conflicts with us as a way to connect with us.

How often have we wished the VMin dumpling fight was recorded, or that the rain fight was recorded? But when such similar moment is recorded y'all want to question the intention behind it.

Besides, having conversations like these on camera is the perfect cover for them to be vulnerable with eachother without feeling too vulnerable or feel like they are exposing themselves too much.

It's similar to how people choose to text or be vulnerable with others through letters and texts rather than in person. Its the fear of vulnerability. Being vulnerable like that in person can be extremely scary for them too. They are human too and sometimes they find their confidence and their voice when they turn on the cameras.

It's ridiculous to think a moment is staged simply because it is or feels like an intimate moment- Y'all claim BigHit hides Taekook's intimate moments and when they show it to us and it's fake? Chileeee!

If that moment was staged, then Jin apologising to Tae after their fight is fake, the fight itself was staged, V's letters were staged, V crying when reading those letters was staged- y'all see where I'm going with this?

None of it was real and we've all been bamboozled- Let's pack our bags!

Seriously though, we can't sit behind our screens and pick and choose which content is real and which is not simply because it doesn't align with our delusional theories. It doesn't work that way.

Especially not when everything we see is captured by the same lenses, edited by the same people and distributed by the same company.

Besides, Tae said the reason he did that was just to spend time with JK- which was the objective of Soop, wasn't it? For all of them to spend time together and bond?

How then is Taekook bonding by having a meal together any different from Hobi spending time with NamJoon in the mountains? Or Tae riding around the country side with Hobi? Or RM and Kook painting?

I'm yet to figure out the sequence that the entire project was shot in as I still haven't seen the full episodes. But I'll bet if there were any Taekook bonding moments, they were shot after their heart to heart moment, not before it. Tae wouldn't have been shy to invite JK had it been so. But who knows, I could be wrong.

TAEKOOK vs JIKOOK DYNAMICS

On Taekook's dynamics, I stated during our discussion on their love language that I don't see Taekook as emotionally compatible or emotionally dependent on each other even much less that they speak each other's love languages. They don't.

It's no secret Taekook have always lacked a certain level of mutual emotional dependency and vulnerability within their dynamics. To me anyways.

Rarely would you see them being emotionally vulnerable with eachother the way Tae is with Jimin or Jk is with JM. The only time I have seen them close to being emotionally vulnerable with eachother was at an award show when Tae cried and JK comforted him. But even that felt impersonal-

again the thigh slapping, cheek squishing, pegs on the cheeks, cuddling in bed etc doesn't count. That's skinship and you know how I feel about skinship or what I think of it.

When I say emotional vulnerability and dependency, I'm talking about instances such as when Tae said he missed Jimin, when he had to drag Jk away so he could ride with Jimin, all the things he said about Jimin in his letters, the way he talks about Jimin in his solo Vlives, writing songs inspired by Jimin, when he said Jimin was the one member who had been there for him during his grandmother's passing etc.

Jk expresses his emotional dependency on Jimin through his actions more so than his words- that need he has to constantly be around Jimin. You see this in moments where he subconsciously finds his way to Jimin like the 2018 comeback VLIVE where he and jimin were put in separate teams but after picking their groups mission he headed for Jimin's team instead of his.

You see this in the way he talks about Jimin when Jimin is not around. He would find a way to chip Jimin into any conversation- I dare you; Talk about heaven and it would remind him of Angel Jimin, talk about hell and he will burst out laughing because of Jimin's devil may care attitude that one time.

You see it in moments when he sulks and yap, whines and complains in a submissive tone when he interacts with Jimin at certain times.

Like when he talked about Jimin not waking him up in that interview, or even the New Jersey Live where he whined and pouted like a broke hearted seven year old and Jimin ended up doing- whatever that was to placate him... that VLIVE still makes me uncomfortable to watch to this day.

You just don't see that level of emotional attachment in Taekook. Their interactions are just that- interactions. Frankly, this moment in Soop is the only meaningful conversation I've heard between them in years.

It is this lack of emotional intimacy between Taekook that disqualifies them from being anywhere near real in my books.

While I acknowledge this lack of emotion amongst them, I wouldn't go as far as to say there's been a cataclysmic decline of their bond or friendship. They are still very much friends, just not intimate friends. Skinship wise, sure. But there is no depth to skinship as I've said.

So if skinship isn't what binds them, what does? Personality, for starters. And I know JK saying he and Tae had different personalities sounded confusing to most.

Jk had called Tae his commonality- this Festa was it? He's described Tae in his profiles over years and in recent times as someone he shares the most personality traits with within the group. He is not wrong.

Personally, I see him as very similar to Tae, Suga and RM in different aspects of their personalities.

I think what he meant by his statement about Tae becoming reserved since their trainee days was that he doesn't find Tae relatable.

You can share the same personality trait with people and still not find them relatable. And I contrast this with his interview with Jimin where JM said he and JK were similar in that they are both sleepy heads and hate to lose.

Jk quickly noted that they both were studying Japanese as well. He acknowledged the similarities between him and Jimin here also. Does it mean he found Jimin relatable?

No.

Jimin said after they both acknowledged their similarities that in spite of this Jungkook didn't seem to like him. Clearly. he too like Tae was feeling a barrier in his relationship with JK.

Jk futher admitted he liked Jimin. So if he liked Jimin and had a lot in common with him what was the problem? Relatability. Jk could relate to JM just as he feels he can't relate with Tae now.

In that interview he described how JM was pretty serious minded who liked to focus on one thing at a time- a trait he said was different and as such perhaps he couldn't relate with.

Isn't it the same song he is singing about Tae now? That Tae is reserved and too serious like Jimin was?

The difference between Tae and Jimin is, over the years and especially in recent times the members have talked about how Jimin seems less serious behind camera. Suga even went ahead to give him an award for this- lol, Suga.

Jimin has changed over the years. He's become more goofy and to JK- more relatable.

Have we all not seen Tae gradually close himself off within the group dynamics? How is it hard to see that that could be something that's impacted his dynamics with JK?

I've already mentioned how Tae has been through a lot trauma enough to shut him off emotionally to anyone but Jimin.

Seeing his two besties coupled up too mustn't be easy either. Exclusivity is one of JK's values and love wants. Jimin's love language dictates you treat him exclusively, differently from others- while this is complementary for them, it very much often leaves them with a tendency for to isolate and exclude others- how do you feel watching them from home? Think that but twice Tae and these other members.

That exclusivity Jikook exudes can make anyone emotionally dependent and attached to any one of them feel left out. And for Tae, I see how he would then want JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin perhaps. He didn't want to feel left out. Similar to how I said Jimin partaked in the culture of the group in early days because he didn't want to feel like the outsider being the last to join the group.

Jikook's exclusivity tendencies have a way to make him feel further isolated and disconnected from the group.

What it then comes down to between Taekook is the difference in their values and their understanding of intimacy. I think.

I have said, JK is one person emotionally closed off within the group. He used to be physically closed of too and took a minute for him to come to terms with even skinship.

These boys may be from the same cultural backgrounds but they have different beliefs and values and upbringing.

I explained how JK had had to suppress himself, his values and his beliefs especially in the early days in order to be the Maknae of the group and how he's been on a journey to slowly yet drastically grow out of that role and image.

I have explained that even though he does not have a problem with Skinship, he believes couples aren't supposed to cross certain boundaries with others which I said is what jeonlous is mostly about.

So when he said during that conversation, he preferred to keep a certain level of distance from people because he felt that level of proximity could end up ruining relationships, I understood perfectly what he meant. I have always suspected and speculated that about him.

No one BangPD script writer-nim put that in his mouth.

Tae is the opposite of JK in that regard. While Jk is emotionally closed off, Tae is emotionally lose and latches on to people quite easily- aka his attachment to Jimin.

He is among the members of BTS who I think lack emotional boundaries in the group.

Being emotionally close to people and receiving that emotional nourishment is one of Tae's love languages as I've explained in the past. And so I smiled when I heard him talk about how he wanted to feel loved by Army.

Tae lowkey has an anxious insecure attachment style brought upon him by no fault of his in my opinion and I've always felt a similarity between his and jimin's attachment styles in that sense- that constant need for reassurance for one.

While I feel Jimin's anxiousness and need for reassurance is often performative and as such is often exaggerated as part of his idol persona- Jimin does not in reality need reassurace of love from his love interest.

He may appear clingy to some and a bit insecure about his looks, but he doesn't trade his looks for love.

His looks I feel are important to him as long as his career goes. And he tries to look a certain way and obsesses about the way he looks because his looks is a means to longevity and fruitfulness of his career.

His love language is more towards wanting certainty and stability and making him feel like he is the only one.

On the other hand, Tae's need for reassurance sits at the core of him. I don't think it is an exaggeration or a persona at all. In my opinion.

His need for reassurance is born out of an innate fear of losing a connection, a fear of not being loved and a fear of losing love- not to psychoanalyze him or anything. It's just theory.

I've said Tae strikes me as a very melancholic person.

Remember when he faked being an Army to see if an Army was a Solo stan who just loved one member or him also as well- that bit was unsettling and uncalled for. Then during his conversation with JK he talked about how he needed that constant reassurance of love from Army- y'all still think he boo-ed up in there? Alright then.

Loneliness is a bitch. And I understand how he would be driven by an emotional void to connect and attach to people. He really was attached to his Grandmother and having a love connection like that yanked away from him without warning, without proper closure can leave a void behind.

So I see often while he craves to connect he often self sabotages that connection- he does this with Jimin at times, boy can he work Jimin's nerves!

It takes a big heart and a lot of patience to love a person of this nature- and there's only one Jimin in that VMinKook dynamics.

Jk is not good at emotions, can barely work his way through his own much less nurture someone with complex emotions such as that of Tae.

Tae has been working through a lot. Trying to be better. Taekook is just a casualty of Jikook...

I keep saying these boys are human and ought to be viewed, thought of and treated as such. If you want to ship them as characters within the Kpop verse then do that. But don't breach the fourth wall and still think of them as fictional beings.

If any ship is real, then their real lives are bound to affect their dynamics, their desires and influence their needs. It's crazy to turn a blind eye to all of that while uWu-ing your ass off at every cute moment edited and shared to you.

Comparing Tae to JK, JK to me barely expresses a need for emotional attachment to anyone. He is similar to Suga in that sense. It's easier to see who he is emotionally attached to and attracted to than to see his overt expressions emotions.

When you look at all seven you see who JK is emotionally attached to based on how he act around and towards that person. He shows, he doesn't tell. In my opinion.

Tae asking JK to treat him as a friend rather than as a hyung thus to me was his way of asking to JK to connect emotionally. That doesn't mean they weren't close. They were, just not as close as Tae wanted to be.

This is what I meant when I said both him and jimin had tried to break down JK's walls in their early dynamics around debut.

Jimin's approach was to breach JK's physical boundaries but in so doing he had accidentally breached Jk's emotional walls as I've explained in previous posts.

I stated how I felt, perhaps, JM coveted that physical connection between Tae and JK at the time he joined BTS, but it's occurring to me Tae equally perhaps coveted Jikooks emotional connection; asking JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin?

Now I don't know if that conversation was had before Jimin joined BTS or after so I won't push it.

Regardless, it seems JK putting up those emotional walls with him had led to Tar harboring resentments towards JK- typical of people with passive aggressive tendencies.

Sort of explains all those weird TaegiKook dynamics in the early days of Tae trying so hard to do things to make JK jealous- Do y'all see why I disregard anything that happened between all the members before 2016?

I feel because Tae was young at the time, he didn't have the emotional maturity at the time to deal with a situation like that and coupled with his passive aggressive personality, resentment was bound to build up between them.

This resentment showed itself through his passive aggressive attitudes towards JK- Jimin wants to come, JK is stopping him, then that slight head tilt. Oh, you were given a mission to ignore me? I didn't notice, you ignore me off cam anyway followed by that attitude whatever it was.

In turn, I feel JK along the way started to build similar resentments towards Tae too as response to Tae's coldness and I see how to him Tae would be the problem- to him Tae is the one who had changed and grown distant, reserved in their dynamic- unrelatable.

I feel JK's grudge against Tae leading up to Soop however was because he felt his partner in crime had stabbed him in the back- get out of your imagination. That's not what I'm referring to. Lol. I'll explain in a bit.

But yes, this resentment I feel they were both harboring could probably had further complicated their dynamic and got in their way of achieving true intimacy beyond the skinship- when I tell you skinship is not an indication of intimacy.

You could see this in the way they both were very defensive in their conversation. Whatever had happened, JK had extended an olive branch to have Tae to sit and have drinks with him but Tae had brushed it off.

After this, he's shy to approach Jk to ask him to have a meal with him- Where did it all go wrong, they asked- twelve year olds, that's what they are. Lol.

There was a certain degree of lack of vulnerability in the way they expressed themselves with each other especially on JK's part which I feel leads people to conclude that their conversation was somewhat coerced- It wasn't in my opinion.

I have explained when I was talking about their love languages how I feel Tae in general is very headstrong, almost as strong headed as JK which I feel it's one of the things that gets in their way of achieving true intimacy and I feel that is what we were seeing in that moment during conversation.

I've explained intimacy, true intimacy requires a crucification of pride and a sacrifice of ego without which any intimacy would be superficial. I used VMin's dumpling fight as an example, where I said it took 2 days to two weeks for them to resolve their issue because they were both being strong headed.

It took Jimin's vulnerability and a sacrifice of his ego to reach through to Tae and even that took how long? And this is Jimin, the half blood Hufflepuff, president of the kumbaya fanclub we're talking about-

Y'all think Mr. Let it burn, I'll rather be dead than cool is about to let shit go? - Get some education. It's not in his vocabulary. It's not in either of them's vocabulary. Lol.

While I see these two as both unwilling to bow and submit to eachother, I've see them willfully submit emotionally to Jimin. Where they both fail to be vulnerable with eachother they both eagerly let themselves be vulnerable in this way with Jimin.

So it's not as if they are incapable of being vulnerable with eachother. If Tae's narration of his offer of friendship to JK is anything to go by, it seems he at one point was willing to take the steps to build that level of intimacy needed for their friendship to thrive but JK had barred him.

Tae in wanting to be close with JK the way he(Tae) is close with JM spoke volumes about Vmin dynamics as well. It tell me he doesn't see his bond with Jimin as exclusive. Special, but not exclusive- and we know how both Jimin and JK feel about exclusivity.

Which brings me to JK's perception about VMin.

I don't think JK see's Vmin's friendship as problematic. He just see's their lack of emotional boundaries as problematic and so often you see him try to put up boundaries for Jimin in their dynamic.

To Tae emotional connection is important and an indication of intimacy. That's his love language, that's his value. But how is JK going to open himself up like that to Tae when he sees what Tae and JM have as problematic? When he values and believes emotional connection has to be reserved for an intimate partner?

As explained earlier, exclusivity is a huge deal to JK.

He believes somethings ought to be reserved and exclusive to love relationships. He believed it then, he believes it now and he has consistently lived that belief through his actions throughout the years.

And if this is his values, then imagine his frustration at seeing people cross all sorts of boundaries with his man everywhere he turns- its enough to give anyone a complex, seriously.

When Tae explained that JK refusing to treat him casually as a friend was part of the reason they couldn't be as intimate, JK was quick to point out why he made that decision all those years and from the looks of it he ain't changing his mind anytime soon.

Dude literally said- I said what I said.

JK believes to make his intimate relationship special and to protect the sanctity of it, he ought to put up walls not further indulge in and perpetuate the lack of emotional boundaries within the group.

In this regard, Taekook is a casualty of Jikook, nothing personal. I've said, a real relationship involving JK or Jimin within the group is mutually exclusive to any other ship involving those two. As such all those other ships involving those two are bound to be casualties of Jikook.

In as much as BTS have thrived as a group on the lack of boundaries between them, this lack of boundaries was also ruining some of the members' joy especially JK who believes a certain level of boundary is necessary for a healthy relationship- Soop was very much neccessary.

And I see some Jikookers are claiming, Taekook settled their differences and had that conversation perhaps for Jimin's sake? Chileee- it makes sense if you are looking at things in isolation? But...

I mean Jikook have been dating a long time- six years now, for Taekook to be only now considering the effect of their dynamics on Jimin. If Jimin is whom they were concerned about they would have nipped it in the bud a long time ago especially around the time Jimin was having a tough time in his life. In my opinion.

I acknowledge the role Jimin played in bringing those two together and even believe he is the one that influenced them to take the initiatives they both took separately but no. I don't think they did this for Jimin. They did this for themselves first of all and for the sake of the sake of their careers, and the group.

[Image below. Check end of post if it's missing. Tumblr, Sigh]

I know some people have theorized that JK posted this on Weverse after his live because he was eager to do his next live with Jimin- true, but not only that.

The tension in that live was there but it wasn't there because he was uncomfortable with Tae per se. He has had a live with Tae in the past, has filmed with staff around and so Jeon Jungkook really had no excuse now did he?

Then the shade he threw, I shouldn't try to make anything next time- then proceeds to make gimbap with Jimin in their live while cheesing through it.

I feel his statement about making things was a Jab at BigHit. I told you previously how I felt he didn't want to do the live. That neither he nor Tar wanted to do the live hence BigHit's results to coercion. In my opinion.

BigHit at the time, it seems, was making them do these weird PG13 arts and craft thingy during their heavily monitored lives- it was weird as fuck especially for the audience that have grown used their VLives being a way for them to have intimate moments and conversations with BTS- I dipped out of most of those VLives. Deuces.

Homeboy was protesting because he just wanted to, first of all, have a Vlive alone with Jimin because they hadn't had one in a while- he deadass wanted to sit and stare into JM's soul while the rest of us watched on in silent discomfort and miserable loneliness while we thirdwheeled- This man, I swear to God!

But he also wanted to fight for their right to as a group to do whatever they wanted with little control and interference from BigHit- Independence really is recurring theme in JK's dramas. Lol.

After JK posted those rebellious tweets to out BigHit, Tae followed those tweets with a tweet akin to hold your peace followed by the shush emoji.

On its own it doesn't mean much. But read together with JK's post and the background I've given, it takes on a whole new meaning.

This moment to me was one of those evil twin power activation moments. Tae seemed to be with JK on that, in his own passive aggressive manner.

I talked about how social media was one of the tools they use to fight back against BigHit. Especially, by withholding their presence on social media platforms.

The company needs them to be online, interacting with fans and growing their fanbase. I hear some Idols, not BTs, are allegedly forced to appear on VLives even and social media even.

Yet BTS do that pro bono. So when they feel the company is tripping they exercise their rights to remain off the internet.

So imagine my surprise when Tae was suddenly popping up on Weverse, Vlive, YouTube live left right left!

I was surprised not because it was unusual of him, but because I felt that was contrary to the move he had made in support of JK earlier.

Do I think it is probably one of the immediate causes of the heat between Taekook that they needed to address? Probably.

I mean why else would Tae bring up him spending so much time online in his conversation with JK? How is that a way to bond with JK? Unless, perhaps JK had been pissed he did that and so Tae felt he needed to explain why he did that? Don't mind me. I'm delusional- but deadass.

Now a chunk of that conversation was voiced over so we will never know everything about that moment. And I hope, in the future they both talk about this and give us more details about this.

Both Jk and Tae have had issues with BigHit in the past and when they do they aren't afraid to come at BigHit with direct or passive aggressiveness.

Did y'all see ILand? How Tae took a jab at Bang PD over chicken breasts? How in Rookie King he expressed his resentment at BangPD for not knowing his name?

They are both expressive, assertive and less of a pushover in that way, I feel. They will put up the you can force the horse to the river side but can't force it to drink attitude if pushed against their will.

OTHER THINGS I NOTICED IN SOOP

I mentioned in my previous post how Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother.

By that I meant, JK has been pushing JM to put up boundaries, treat their relationship with the same level of seriousness he does and not act like an ass kisser within the group all the time- bless him.

Jk used to be that guy who tried to please everyone. He would sacrifice his own happiness if that meant the happiness and harmony of the group. He is very Kumbaya in that way.

While this is noble, often he ended up stepping on JK's happiness because sacrificing his happiness is sacrificing Jk's happiness.

Him being the decision maker in their dynamics, that often means he ends up sacrificing JK's happiness without JK's permission.

To JK, JM would always come first. But Jimin is a bit of a people pleaser. He would consider the effect putting JK first would have on the group before placing him first- lately that has changed.

I feel Jk has been pushing him to careless about people's opinions of him and their relationship- please listen to the lyrics of GCF Helsinki to see what I mean especially whenever Jimin comes on the screen for the longest bar.

Just as much as JK has been pushing JM, JM has equally been pushing JK to be mindful of his possessiveness. While I see Jimin as someone who likes to belong, I don't think he wants to be owned.

So you see him pushing Jk to be social, to spend time with others- fix his issues with Tae for example, read books etc.

I hinted at this dynamic when I talked about Jikook shading eachother. Please check it out.

JK's always asserted himself and wanted to assert himself in the group dynamics and he has always expected that of Jimin as well.

It's no surprising then to see Jimin say no to Tae when Tae asked him to go on a car ride with him and Hobi in Soop episode 06. Old Jimin would have run along, no questions asked.

Jikook have changed. Their relationship dynamic has changed, their individual personalities have changed- are changing and they are changing eachother as well.

It explains why to JK Jimin feels more relatable as we've talked about above. They are changing but are also changing for eachother.

Some of these changes are glaringly obvious, others are subtle and easy to miss if you blink.

For example, Vmin's interaction mentioned above. Notice how Jimin is the outdoor kind of guy but in this instance he chose to stay indoors? Outdoors activities are his thing, indoors activities are JK's thing.

Do you see how Jk is influencing him?

He not only chose the indoors, he also chose an indoors activity that had JK written all over. How should I put this, painting, craft, drawing- those are ravenclaw traits not halfbood hufflepuffs' traits. Know what I mean?

True, Jimin loves these activities too but when you think of him traveling all over the world during their vacation- something I said was a cause of misunderstanding between them in August last year, you'd understand what I mean by JK asserting himself against Jimin.

They are compromising, they are negotiating, they are each embracing aspects of their personalities and accommodating it- you call it domesticity, I call it the aftermath of a trail period in Jikook's journey.

There are a lot other observations I made but this is all the length Tumblr can permit. Love Jikook and Support them.

Signed,

GOLDY

[tundrainafrica]

Hello! ^^ Have you ever read the Smartpass story that involves Levi and Moblit talking about Hanji? If so what are your thoughts on it? I've seen different interpretations on it. Most levihans (including myself 😁) take it as Levi wanting to spend more time with Hanji & bcz due to work they can't be together most of the time he's asking Moblit to take care of her. There are some others who say Levi's supporting mobuhan but I didn't get that feeling so what do you think?

I was aware of the existence of the Smartpasses for a while but I never got around to reading most of them. I did read the Hange and Levi one after I saw your ask. (Is that the one you’re talking about?). I couldn’t find the Levi and Moblit conversation though. 

I tried scouring the internet, found the Japanese website and was almost desperate enough to borrow some Japanese’s friends’ au accounts to read cause I’m a simp that way. But most of them have Docomo or Softbank so yeah it was difficult. I’m just having some trouble reading the English translations though since it doesn’t seem to flow in my brain as easily. In fact, I had to read it a few times actually to even remember what happened. I’m trying to look for a Japanese scan online now though which is a bit hard so if someone can point me in the right direction for the Moblit and Levi convo or the Japanese ones that would be great.  

...take it as Levi wanting to spend more time with Hanji & bcz due to work they can't be together most of the time he's asking Moblit to take care of her...

^^^ About this part, I’ll just drop an HC (Or a canon point, at this rate I forgot) I have about this because I think Levi and Hange surprisingly spend a lot of time together for work which is why they are so close in the first place. 

This is probably just pre-canon hc I have anyway because I don’t wanna speak for Yams but I think it has been confirmed before that Levi and Hange are stationed nearby or they work closely together. So they do spend a lot of time with each other and that is why Hange and Levi’s squads are also very familiar with one another. Like in Season 1 in the scene where Hange visited the scout headquarters where Eren was being held. Levi’s squad knew Hange was coming. And they warned Eren already about not asking too many questions about titans. That means they know her well enough which means they must have worked together enough to pick up on her idiosyncracies.

Literally all the experiments in the flashbacks, Hange was present. And remember that scene with the explosion and Hange just pops in after and says “ CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAND.” I’m guessing the context behind that scene is Hange’s quarters or where she stays is near enough at least that she heard the explosion which made her run there in the first place. 

Also, about the capturing titans part, it was Levi’s special ops squad.that helped with the ‘capturing titans alive’ part which they had to experiment on. I’m guessing whenever an idea, an invention or a new way of going about something comes up, it’s Levi who helps Hange’s squad test it because he and his squad are the least likely to die. And who wants casualties during experiments when the survey corps is so understaffed already. I’m guessing their working together on these developments has happened so many times already which actually contributed to the significant improvement over that five year period between the fall of Shiganshina and the Battle of Trost

If you consider Levi and Hange’s positions in the military, you can speculate that this arrangement was special. Levi is a special squad captain and Hange was a Section Leader before becoming a commander. Levi’s position in the military was special and if you consider how leadership meetings and how interactions between department and team heads work, they tend to work closer with those groups which they have similar projects with. 

Levi’s special squad being the strongest one was what made them so fit for experiments. But Levi wasn’t a conventional leader among the survey corps heads. The Special Ops Squad was specifically made for Levi. He probably never did paperwork or worked on the logistics of things compared to let’s say… Mike, Hange or Erwin. 

Hange worked closely with Mike and Erwin when it came to paperwork, pleasing higher ups, funds and logistics of keeping their squad alive. Hange only had those experiments to interact with Levi yet for some reason they seemed soooo familiar with one another that aside from the experiments there must be some other reason why they were so close which brings us back to the fact that they’re stationed nearby and they were given so many special projects to work together on.

And Hange and Levi saw each other as more of equals given that they were heading two different squads and they had to organize a lot of their experiments and projects together as both leaders. This dynamic is what made Hange and Levi’s special in my opinion? Because Hange and Moblit had a superior and subordinate relationship and there are things which will never be discussed among them regardless of how close they can be. I mean we all know the way an unequal power dynamic can make it difficult to navigate more intimate social interactions. Like there is a reason why teacher student relationships, boss employee relationships and coach athlete relationships are a little difficult to navigate, especially in a military setting.

Yet, Hange and Levi’s relationship was more free given Levi’s unconventional position which was not an official position in their military at that time. Their general personalities also helped make something more easily bloom between them. This is not obvious in English but in Japanese, Levi never used keigo (polite Japanese). Actually he used it in two seasons but never among the military. Here’s an interesting video about Levi’s speech patterns in Japanese. As someone who speaks Japanese, I can say keigo is incredibly stiff and I tend to feel some sort of distance between whoever I use it with, It’s like corporate talk. 

Moblit respects the hierarchy a lot more than Levi and Moblit always uses keigo when he talks to Hange which creates some sort of distance between them. All though they care and respect each other, we can assume just by how they talk to each other that there is not much exploration done in the relationship pre-canon. 

This makes something between Hange and Levi more likely to spark anyway. 

(I ship Mobuhan to a degree though and this is also a very plausible pairing that could happen just not in the pre-canon setting? Like maybe if Moblit got to be promoted or they worked together for longer?)  

Anyway I’m rambling at this point but for TLDR peeps

Levi and Hange had surprisingly a lot of interactions precanon due to being stationed nearby and due to the projects where they constantly worked together. Levi’s speech patterns and their personality and his unconventional role in the military also makes development more plausible between them. 

I have an unfinished precanon fic about it (which I plan on finishing after ATOT). The fic is actually sitting on my laptop but I’d rather get it written out all the way until the end before I post hahah. If anyone is interested, here’s the link.

[clutch-nixon]

Unfortunately I'm no skater, I'm just someone who really hates getting details wrong in my headcanons. 😭 What I know is from what I'd google fu'd and tidbits I've learned from skating videos. If anyone who is involved in skating, is an actual competitive skater, or was just hardcore into Yuri on Ice and already did the homework is around and wants to point us to some proper resources I would GREATLY appreciate it lol.

From what I've learned usually there's such a surplus of girls with no male partners in ice dancing that they kinda have to be able to solo skate by default. Also there's a difference between figure skating and ice dancing! Yeah it's kinda confusing but the basics are figure skating=JUMPS and ice dancing=NO JUMPS, ballroom dancing on ice. There's obviously more to that but that's just how I remember the difference.

Ok on to the show!

Oh yeah I shoulda added before but when all the coaches bring the candidates together, they're all some of the best in the region. With even some skaters from Canada and New York coming to try out. Cuz I know you wanna show how talented Sydney is and I think this would be a good way to do it. I dunno if that's how it's done irl but at least it kinda makes sense in that when a Olympic skater is offering you a shot to to pair up, you kinda take it even if it's kinda different approach from what you're used to. 😆 Maybe it's held over a day or several, Carmy and Tina (maybe she's a coach with Marcus as the physical therapist instead???)/Nat whittling down the candidates until there's only a few left. It's when Sydney and Carmy hit the ice together that it hits them like oh, she's the one. The chemistry, the energy is instantly electric. Even some of the other eliminated competitors who'd stuck around to watch how things would turn out are like fuuuuck that's it, that's the pair. 👏😩

For some more angst in the vein of the Risotto Incident maybe Sydney attempts a really complex move in practice/a casual solo competition before one of their big competitions? It's a move she discussed with him but he does that infuriating "You're not ready" thing without really explaining why. Maybe this is around the time Claire starts popping up or there's a flare up from the shady shit Richie/Cicero are in that ties into the ice rink that distracts him? For Sydney it's like well fuck I can't wait for him to make me his full focus to lead me through this. Both here and in the show he has the luxury of having Made It already and if he fails it's a black mark on his career sure but it's nothing he couldn't recover from. Any restaurant would be chomping at the bit to take him in. In this AU he already has various international wins and Olympic gold. While Sydney has her own accolades this is really her biggest chance (and maybe only chance) of getting into the top tier.

OMG the sundaes would be so cute!! They have this really deep heart-to-heart and Carmy offers her his maraschino cherry as a apologetic little token. 🍒 Maybe follows it up with giving her some top of the line skates (he has an old sponsor hook him up).

Yeah I totally GET IT right off the bat but they're also both damn knuckleheads which makes them a primo slowburn duo. At least it means more YEARNING which is one of the best parts of this ship. I need those Stares ™ they give each other seared into my retinas. 🥺

I also have these ideas I absolutely have to sketch out. Carmy in those black skating tights and form fitting polar fleece jacket? Maybe with a tight turtleneck thermal shirt underneath? Ooooh that image has been haunting me for daaaaays, I can see it so vividly. 😩😩😩😩 Also Sydney in a similar fit but with more color thrown in. She still wears her colorfully patterned scarves and maybe some satin lined winter headbands. 🥺🥺 maybe it'll get more people in on this AU 🙈

Sydcarmy has been haunting me down to my soul for the past couple of days so here: ICE SKATING AU where they perform THIS routine

That chemistry!!!! It is Sydcarmy to a fuckin T

[unluckyxse7en-moving]

So. Been thinking about being neurodivergent and struggling to fit in lately. It's a conversation that's come up multiple times - with friends, with family, with myself - and with each discussion I find this common factor always crops up - those involved in the conversation, always bring up the frustration that they can't measure up to their peers. That they can't seem to replicate their peer's seemingly effortless performance no matter how the nd person themselves works to match it. And lately, I've been saying- and reminding myself- the same key advice, that I'm not sure I see around a lot: Don't compare yourself to them - and, stay with me here - because you're not similar enough to BE comparable in those respects you struggle in.

The closest, if sloppy, analogy I can come up with to liken it is this way - you are, in short, the left-hander in the right-hander's world. Now if you're a leftie like me, you already probably see where I'm going with this. Hopefully you don't focus on how "lacking" you are for not being able to fit in as easily as right-handers do. If you do? Stop that. Right now. Because we're gonna get into why that's unreasonable for you to ask of yourself.

Now right-handers, I'm sure you're a little confused, so let's illustrate with some visuals:

[ID: a photo of a person's lap. They are sitting in a chair, with an armrest/cupholder visible in the left corner, and a miniature table that's part of the table on the right. The person is holding a half-eaten, gooey cookie in their right hand, holding it over a plate on the miniature table to avoid crumbs falling on them. End ID]

Simple enough, right? Now my ID is a little more subjective and includes non-visual details to add to the picture, but there's a reason I did that, so I encourage everyone to read it along with the following ID:

[ID: same photo as above, only now the person in the seat is holding the cookie in their left hand. Instead of holding it with their arm on their left armrest, they are holding the cookie over the plate as in the image above, reaching over themselves in the process. Also in the image now, which had been blocked from view in the first image, is a bowl of empty soup with a spoon resting in it. The spoon's handle is pointed towards the left. End ID]

Now, that suddenly looks a lot more complicated, doesn't it? Guess what I, a left-hander, was doing their entire mealtime. Reaching and stretching and contorting to keep food over the plate and bowl as much as possible.

"Why didn't you move the table?" You might ask - because I couldn't. The chair was manufactured with the table bolted to its right. Many schooldesks are built the same way. Why did i sit there in the first place, when a normal chair and table are clearly visible right in front of me?

Because I'm already trying to find a way to comfortably dine out in a way that requires accommodations - my sensory overload means I need a quiet corner as far from people as possible. As it happened, this was the furthest, quietest corner during lunch rush, and even that seat in front of me would have meant subjecting myself to more sensory information than necessary. A crossroads between my experience as a leftie, and my experience as a neurodivergent person. And, since my neurodivergent struggles often come with discomfort or pain when compromised on, it wasn't much of a choice.

Which circles me back to the reason I made this post. As a leftie, I've grown up with this unspoken handicap (if you'll pardon the pun) - not a handicap in disabled means per se, but I've encountered infinitesimal struggles righties aren't as likely to run into - trouble with handwriting smudging, cutting with right-hand oriented scissors, sitting at desks for right-handed people in school. When I was learning how to write even, my mom struggled to teach me to put spaces where I was supposed to and to this day I still have that problem - I can't see the words I just wrote when I write, my left hand blocks them and it messes up my ability to judge how big a space is needed. When learning how to dance, most dances start with the dominant side - if your dominant side is your right. I always had to unlearn starting on the left before properly learning the dance steps with my right, which meant I didn't pick up the moves as fast as my peers. could probably go on, but basically I've run into all sorts of little hurdles that I had to jump and navigate - and I have. And this isn't meant as a wahh pity post for being a leftie. I've had very few complaints. But it sets me apart from peers and requires me to put in extra effort to match their results. It also makes me stand out in ways that aren't always flattering, like when someone reaches to do a handshake and I put out the wrong hand. But this is just how I am, for better or worse, and it can't be changed and shouldn't be considered a fault. Being neurodivergent very much falls into this same category.

Now reading all of this, I know. How can there NOT be a problem? Being set apart from peers, struggling with things that come intuitively to them, etc. doesn't sound good. But! My analogy doesn't end there! There's one very important aspect to being a left-handed person that you could argue easily makes up for it in a noticeable manner- lefties can think and problem solve differently, in a way that righties aren't as inclined to. Being a leftie means a different part of your brain works more, and you have a fresh perspective on things that is beneficial in so many ways. So, too, does neurodivergency work in a similar vein. You may struggle with the ""easy"" tasks, the things that are portrayed as simple and obvious. But to make up with it, you have innumerable strengths that neurotypicals don't! You can do things they couldn't do, calculations in your head, problem solving, recognizing patterns, excellent observation of minute details, creative flow that's unparalleled and unmatched.... the list could go on and for each of you it's different. But you have strengths. Being the "lefty" isn't bad. It's a struggle, true - because our society is tailored to "righties", a specific subset of people who work a certain way. That needs to change. But you? You don't. And every time that you, the lefty, are reaching over yourself, correcting yourself, teaching yourself ways to adapt to the righty world, you're showing more effort and dedication to your work, more perseverance than the righty may ever know. And if that's not admirable, and impressive, and a feat to be proud of, that gets repeated daily, I don't know what is.

You are in a biased situation where the cards are stacked against you. That's unfair and deserving of your frustration. But never turn that frustration onto you. You can't help being the way you are, in handedness and in your brain's functions. But you're already working so hard to make up for it, and have your own natural strengths to make up for it. So if you worry about not measuring up in one field... just remember you have strengths that the others don't have.

[bibookmerm]

Personal post about dropping out of school.

~*~ You can read, but please don't reblog. ~*~

I decided to step back from the intense certificate program I've been in. Today would have been day 1 of the spring semester...and I could not be more relieved to not be enrolled in college courses.

I've had a lot of negative emotions around this and put too much pressure on myself. Everything from "Oh no, why am I so stressed? Am I BAD at therapy since I'm so freaked out and not, idk, mindfulness-ing my way through?" to "What if feeling unmotivated with these classes means I will never be truly dedicated to anything?"

Being in school brought back all of my academic fears full force, and I was Not Ready. I'm afraid I may never feel capable of handling the stress of a college course again. But maybe that's pessimistic. Maybe I could do it without breaking some day, with the right support and learning environment.

So. I tried for 4 semesters (including summer) and performed a bit worse each semester. I mentally checked out last semester, like a month before finals week. I stopped caring. I would likely have 2 more semesters to go at this point, taking 2 classes at a time like I have been, but I can't stomach it.

If I had *anything* left to give, I would be taking at least 1 class now. But I am past my limits. This program wreaked havoc on my mental health, and I've spent the whole time since fall of 2020 ruminating and at a breaking point. This is not a good fit for me, to put it lightly.

I kind of hate that my stress tolerance is this low. I keep feeling overly aware that other people have done so much more than me, taken on far more work than me at once, and persevered. It is a huge privilege to have spent the money on this just to watch it go poof into nothing.

Anyway. I don't want to...stagnate? I'm worried about that. I want to focus on improving my cooking skills, trying to rebuild my self confidence, and doing significantly less of the horrible, gut-wrenching overthinking I've been stuck in for months. I want to utilize all the coping mechanisms I can to interrupt those harmful thought patterns.

I also haven't had much time off from my job in a long time. I changed my schedule in May of 2020 and had 5 days off in a row then due to the happy coincidence of how the old schedule lined up with the new one. I haven't had more than 3 days off in a row since. Oy gevalt, I just realized that. :| So that definitely doesn't help re: mental-emotional stability.

I'm waiting to officially return to full-time status at work so I can use paid time off again. Having some time to actually recharge is long overdue.

All that said. My point is, I'm so happy I'm not typing some fake cheerful nonsense in a discussion board while I hold back tears.

~*~ You can read, but please don't reblog. ~*~

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

07 - Our Realization

This chapters songs:

New person, same old mistakes: Tame Impala

National Anthem: Lana Del Rey

Blackout Days: Future Islands Remix

I think it might be hell; Clarence James

—

Y.L. Perspective-

Seriously, what was it with tight dresses? All they would do was squeeze the living hell out of you, making every single step you took complete torture. Sure, people looked hot in them, and I wouldn't blame anybody for wanting to show off their looks. But me— me?! No. Especially not to a high school third-year party, where all anybody wants is sex.

"Come on, don't make such a huge deal out of it. You look so beautiful it hurts me." Giki tugs on my arms, attempting to pull me out of the car while the other two band members leaned on it, beginning to grow impatient with my childish behavior.

What I wore consisted of a very light blue colored dress with small ripples down the entire thing that tugged at both my hips and chest and the sleeves were long and oversized to trick the eye. It was small and snug and made my entire body look better than I imagined. Yes, it was a gorgeous dress, but I hadn't ever planned on wearing it. The only reason I ever even bought it was because I loved the way it looked on me— meaning it was never intended for other people to see. Plus, this wasn't even that grand of a party. I mean— yes, there were at least three hundred people inside singing and dancing from what we could hear, and it was quite a humongous house, but still: I didn't get the point of dressing so club-ish.

To my friends' relief, I gain the courage to step out, trying to avoid the couple of people that were glancing over to the new arrivals: us. My hands attempt to pull down the dress, but it simply stays above mid-thigh.

"So, what's there to see here, hm? Are we greeting anybody here, or what?" Toruku questions, locking his car and twisting the watch on his wrist. We begin walking towards the grand house, meanwhile talking silently.

"Pretty much everybody is here, so you guys can just runoff. I'm gonna try and find Miya since she invited me and all."

It wouldn't be any trouble to try and find our friends, since we had quite a few. Being a popular band at your school had to give you a few favors. The only thing was that I was scared of being lonely at this party. I didn't know what would happen, who I would meet, or if I would make mistakes of some kind.

The four of us slide through the crowds outside while muffled music was heard. But the second that Toruku opened the door, so much was happening. Flashing blue and red lights would appear, coloring everybody and their sparkly wardrobe. Many were dancing and shouting at the loud music that blasted through the noise, though I didn't mind very much. The music was almost hypnotizing, and so was the faint smell of marijuana and alcohol.

From my side, Toruku made an expression of excitement. "There's fun stuff!" He yelled, sliding his hands together. "I'll see you guys later!" Is the last we hear of him for a while, before he makes his way between the crowds of teenagers. I nervously crossed my arms, doing the same as him, and starting my way around the house to explore.

Suddenly, a voice calls out to me, sending immediate chills down my spine. "Y/n!" Yelled Kiyoko, as her arms widened for a hug, while a drink in her hand bounced in the cup. "I didn't know you were coming! We could've matched or something!"

"There's no need, you already look so good tonight!" I spoke loudly over the music, looking up and down at Kiyoko. She wore a red spaghetti strap silk dress that fit perfectly on her, but what didn't? "God, you're such a goddess!"

"Don't even, Y/n. I've never seen you so hot-looking before," she laughed, putting a warm hand on my shoulder. "Don't mind me if I act a bit silly right now, I'm tipsy."

I nod. "How about lead me to the drinks so I can be too? I'm getting impatient," I say back, before being led to the kitchen. It's big and grand, just like the rest of the house. In there, there are about two or three jugs of whatever, and a stack of cups as well. People were seen talking and laughing near them.

Kiyoko and I fill two cups of beer— or what I assumed was— and gave them both a bump. "Cheers to our third year, right?" I say, as we down what we have in our cups. The amount of carbonation in the beer is surprising, making my nose scrunch up while it goes down my throat. "Jeez, what's in this, crack?"

"Probably," Kiyoko's obnoxious laugh releases, as she leans against me, giggling over my shoulder. I simply laugh back, baffled by drunk Kiyoko. "Hey, you know who's staring right at you?"

My veins practically freeze. Staring at me? At what?! "Who?!" I silently yell at her, quickly turning my head side to side to spot anybody.

"Koushi. And he's not taking his eyes off of you."

Not even a second after her seductive tone whispers into my ear, I spot the guy, with a drink in his hand and a couple of familiar volleyball players discussing with him. However, he didn't look too cheerful. Instead, he just looked me up and down, and right into my eyes, then taking a long chug of his beer.

I smirk back at Kiyoko, excited at the fact that he had spotted me so quickly. "Do you think he came with anybody? I wanna talk to him but if he's with someone then I'd rather not." I ask the girl, as she moved her feet to the beat of the song playing.

"Hm, I have no idea. Anyway, I gotta go. My date is waiting for me. Bye-bye, stay safe!" Her cheerful aura soon leaves the dim blue room, and I'm left alone in the kitchen, waiting on him to approach me.

The first few seconds I glanced at him, I only got a few of his stares. Each time I would attempt to look away, acting as if I wasn't beating myself up because he wouldn't talk to me. But once he tapped Daichi's shoulder, set the empty cup down, and mumbled something, I knew my wish came true; I wouldn't look like such a loner now.

His footsteps approaching me are the only thing I can make out from the music and nothing else, but that is until his voice catches my attention as if it weren't already all on him. "Hey, Y/n. I didn't know you'd show up today." He says, leaning his hips against the counter. "You look pretty."

"Thanks, you too!" I return the compliment, as the music gets louder. It's not until a few seconds after that I realize what I had just told Sugawara: that he looked pretty. I mean, it wasn't a total bad compliment for a boy. He did, in fact, look very good tonight. He wore a white t and grey button shirt over it, with dark baggy jeans and a few chains and rings, all topped off with his shaggy silver hair.

He smiles at me, reaching for one of the red cups that were stacked upon each other, and filled yet another cup up with beer. "You don't think you'll get a headache tomorrow morning?" I ask him, as his eyes turn to me while he drinks. It sure did seem as if he was using a hell of a lot of cups tonight.

  "I think I'm fine. I know how to take my alcohol." He puts down the red cup that was now empty, ahead of tightening his jaw and giving me that same gloomy look he'd given me before. "You do too, don't you?"

  'Yeah, I do.' I say internally, nodding. "You look upset. Are you okay?" My voice is shaky and loud, but not loud enough for him to hear, for his eyes rolled back and he leaned closer to my face. "You look a little down. Did something happen?"

  He whispers into my ear, "I can't hear you right now. Let's go somewhere else." His hot skin rubs against my cheek, meanwhile, his nose tickles my ear. "Come with me." Sugawara gets a hold of one of my hands, and wraps his fingers in between mine, before leading me out of the kitchen and into a crowd of people, where I was lost in the whirl of shouting people. Every once in a while, he would turn his head, searching for any sign that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't. Only curiosity was what I was feeling.

Soon after, he brought us two to the front of the house and opened the door. Outside was a few people smoking or trying to have a nice talk without the noise inside. But even if it was muffled, it was still really loud. Sugawara makes a turn towards two empty chairs in the front porch colored a nice light and dark grey with striped patterns. In front of it was a glass coffee table with a few empty and full cups of beer.

Suga set his cup beside the others, and sat on the far left chair, while I sat on the right, waiting for an explanation of why he had brought me out here. It wasn't as if I was angry, but simply wondering. "It's nicer out here. I saw you were pretty uncomfortable all alone, so I thought we could just stay out here for a little," he explained, while the dim porch light bulb hung above his head, making his platinum hair appear gleaming. He wasn't wrong, I was pretty stressed about being alone for measly ten seconds.

"Yeah, you guessed right." I fiddle with my fingers, taking in and off the ring wrapped around one of them. "I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling up for a party tonight. Usually, I'd be the one telling everybody to go so we could enjoy it. So much for wearing something I usually wouldn't, right? If I had known people were gonna start swimming I wouldn't have even come." I huff, leaning over onto my knees. Today was tiring, and being forced to a party wasn't what I expected.

    As if he read my mind, he asks, "did something piss you off today? Was it your father? You didn't get to tell me how that went. I don't mean to be intruding on your life or anything, I just wanna know."

   I sigh lazily, leaning over to prop my elbows onto my knees as I gazed towards the moon. It was nice today and covered in small clouds. "It's nothing, really. I just got into this argument— this fight with him. He tried taking me somewhere nostalgic and then tried putting on this entire 'good father persona, while I just sat there dreading every moment of it. You have no idea how much torture it was." At the simple description, I can already feel my eyes watering. God, how much would I cry today? How many times would it be until Suga would go at least one hang out without me breaking down in front of him?! "Anyway, I told him how I felt. And all he could say is 'sorry', after what I explained to him. How he didn't deserve to try and boss me around as if he were even there when I self-harmed. Instead, I had to go to some grey-haired boy in the corner of my math class, right?" I giggle, sniffing up any fluids that left my red nose. Thankfully, Sugawara understands and doesn't hold back a cute snort.

  "I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have a bad relationship with a father, trust me. And you don't deserve that. From what I know, you're such a strong, beautiful, good person, and although you grew up without them, I think you did a great job finding yourself." Although my eyes are closed, I can still imagine the way he looked at me, and the sweet stare he gave. What I couldn't imagine was his hand pressed on my knee, with his thumb softly massaging it. "You're a great girl, you know. Don't let him ruin your confidence."

   As expected, a cheeky smile on his pretty pale face is what I see when I open my eyes, as well as a few fewer students outside of the house. But now that we're mostly alone, I don't bother feeling as if I have to hide from anybody. "Thank you. It means so, so much." My voice wobbles in the cold air, meantime one of his thumbs made its way towards my cheek to wipe the large tears that bounced on my bottom lashes.

   "It's no issue. I'm only telling you the truth," he speaks, pulling his hand back into his lap. Soon after, he sat back in his chair, looking up at the sky that painted many glittering stars, and a pale white moon. I do so too, letting every emotion leave my body with each breath. Talking with Sugawara was as if being in heaven, if only for a split second. I wished that it could last at least two, or three, or even an entire minute. "Y/n, do you... do you wanna leave?"

   My eyebrows curl at his question. "What do you mean by that?"

  Before being able to thoroughly ask him more questions, he quickly clears things up. "I mean I don't wanna be here anymore, and I know you don't either. As you said, 'I'm not in a party mood.' I brought my car, and I'm not drunk. Not tipsy either. Do you just wanna hang out somewhere else?" He looks down at his wrists again, picking at his cuticles while waiting for my response. For a second I think about why I came. It was only so that Miya would trust that Giki brought guests. I'm sure that now she had at least four hundred people in her house she wouldn't mind. And besides that, I didn't know where we would go, or if we would get in trouble.

     But in his luck, he was right; I didn't wanna be here.

—

Sugawara and I both agreed I'd meet him at the front door after I said bye to Giki. He brought up a clever idea that I should probably tell at least one of my friends we were leaving, or else they'd grow defensive and act as if I were kidnapped. And so, I'm approved to leave and plan to waste no time getting out of this house.

That is until I encounter what feels like a ghost.

"Y/n," my name is heard from a mouth, sending me to glance to my right. Looking up, there stood Oikawa, someone so distant, yet so familiar. All I could do is stare back at him, blinking a few times to check that I wasn't hallucinating some figure. He was tall, and his build was skinny but muscular, just like when we were kids. Except now, he looked more of a man than a boy. He ran a hand in his brown hair, turning towards me completely instead of a sneaky side stare. I had begged the gods to keep him away from me, but here we were.

Toru had no business being at this party— a Karasuno party— so why was he? Is this to run into me? Or maybe Toruku? So many thoughts ran through my mind, yet all I could do is stand there, staring at him. "W-why are you here?" I hesitate to ask, followed by one of his awkward laughs.

He rubs the back of his head, saying, "I was invited? Why else? I thought I would see you here, but I didn't mind. But if you are, does that mean Toruku is too?" I didn't understand why he wanted to know about us, but I also didn't care. I didn't need to be so stressed about this tonight. "Wow— I can't believe it's you. I thought... I thought you—"

"What, killed myself?"

"N-no! No, of course not. I just thought you moved again. At least that's what you told everybody. Iwa and I had been trying to get a hold of you guys recently because it being our third year. We...we thought it was best to say bye properly, y'know?" Even though his voice is so low, I can still hear him over the blasting music and obnoxious talking. "Listen, I just. I just wanna see how you guys doing. I know you're in a band now. That's cool, right?"

I nod, with an expressionless face. Annoyed, I cross my arms and relax my posture. "Yeah, I guess. I heard you're at a preppy little school now. Isn't that fitting?" An unexpected attitude is heard in my tone, which soon made me feel a bit sorry. But what was I to say? He can't expect to get so close to me after three years. This conversation is useless. I need to go.

Oikawa takes notice of this and has no second thought of grabbing one of my hands, requesting for me to stay. "Please, I wanna talk more. I..I have so much to say. Can I at least have your number?"

I attempt to resist his grip on my fist, but he simply pulls back harder. He must really wanna talk. I say, "I have to go right now. We can talk some other time. Please, just let me go." All of a sudden, another arm is wrapped around my wrist, but not Toru's. Instead, it's Sugawara, giving him the most intimidating stare. Both setters stare at each other for long seconds, before Suga gently slid his hand from my wrist to my hip, as the warmth of his fingers makes my back curl.

"Is everything alright, babe?" He asked, looking down and smiling at me. Ahh, I get it. The old boyfriend-saving trick. He makes sure to give Oikawa a two-faced smile, letting him know he would be able to confront me no longer. Going along with his ploy, I lean on him, grabbing his arm in security. "I'm fine," I mumble, looking anywhere else but towards Oikawa. "Let's just go."

—

  Closing the front door that I had walked into just about an hour ago, Sugawara let go of my hand, "Who was that? Why were they so demanding?" He asks, looking at me for a response. Although I try to act toned down, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything. But luckily, I'd just for tonight, I could escape from my problems.

  "Just an old friend. Thank you, though. I didn't feel like talking with them."

Sugawara and I walk towards the end of the street, where he has said his car was. And once we'd reached it, he pulled open the door for me, and I sat in the passenger seat. It wasn't a big car, but it wasn't small either. Its paint consisted of a darker matte grey, and inside the seats were beige leather. He had two small cans of car freshener; one lavender, the other cherry almond. Hanging from the rearview mirror was a string attached to a small volleyball plush and a necklace. I wasn't sure what the necklace was about, but it wasn't any of my business. Overall, it was a nice car, which I could tell was kept clean.

"Sorry if it's messy, or weird looking. I just got it last year so I'm still kind of beginning to get used to it."

   An entire year? Looking over at Suga I say, "if you don't mind me asking, why has it taken so long?" He swallows hard, tapping his fingers on the black leather that covered the steering wheel. "It was my moms. She gave it to me before she passed away." He says, stuttering. It seemed that Suga wasn't very comfortable talking about this subject. "A-And besides that, it took me a little to learn how to drive. I only ever take it when I don't have a ride somewhere. Other than that, it stays at home."

What he said had cleared up some things I was wondering about: why hadn't he taken it to school? But now that I was aware of the situation, I thought it's best to not ask. "Oh. Well, that's okay. There's no need to be ashamed or anything," I tell him, backing up my words with a sweet tone. "I don't take loss very well. Not any better than you did, at least."

"Ha! You have no idea." Surprisingly, a remark leaves his mouth, soon followed by an apology. "Sorry, that came out rude." His low voice cracks at the last word. I felt nothing but sorry for Suga at the moment. Whatever he didn't tell me about in the kitchen was itching his ear this entire time, and I wouldn't go on without knowing what it was.

  He licks his soft lips and folds his hands within each other. I assumed it was about some girl, why wouldn't it be? Suga is truly a handsome young man— a man— not a boy. I wouldn't blame any other teenage girl to fall head over heels for him, but I wouldn't be okay with somebody causing him trouble. After what I've heard about Sugawara, he didn't deserve any more dreadful events to occur in his timeline. "What's up with you, Suga? You seem upset today. Well, not upset, more like down. But are you okay?"

  "I'm fine. I just got in this fight with my dad today about volleyball. He makes it such a big deal, more than before my mom died. I think he just worries I'll end up throwing my life away. But after everything, it feels like that doesn't even matter," he explains, as the engine now roared, and I quickly strapped on my seat belt. "Anyway, where do you wanna go, hm?"

   I look out the window, as we begin to pass the house that held so many. But soon we reach the end of the street, and almost all of the noise is gone. If only for a few hours, I can finally relax. "I dunno. I just wanna leave."

"Maybe you wanna get some clothing from your house? I can drive you there, and we can go somewhere else afterward," Sugawara mentions, shifting his vision towards me if only for a second. But I deny it. I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near home right now, or at least home is what they call it. For me, it's simply a hollow shell full of regret.

"No. I don't wanna go home." I turn my head towards Suga, whose eyebrows raised in surprise at my demand. "I don't even care if I'm uncomfortable. I just.. I just don't wanna go home."

"I don't either." He smiles meekly. "Look, I have a t-shirt in the back. But it's only a t-shirt, nothing more"

"That's okay. I snuck pajama shorts under my dress tonight," I giggle, lifting the blue skirt to reveal bright pink cotton shorts with cartoon monkeys and bananas covering them. "So, where to after?"

"I'm not sure. I think I'll just park at this old skatepark I know, and we can just stay there for a while until you decide we wanna go."

  "Orr," I make a request. "We could stay there all night. I don't mind sleeping in the trunk or something, that's what makes it an adventure, right?"

  Sugawara shrugs, as a smile appears on his face. Soon, we're out of the neighborhood, and out on the main road, where anywhere go is a mystery to me. "I.. I dunno. What if your parents get angry at me? What if you get in trouble?"

"I don't think they will, Suga. They don't care much." Quickly, I begin to unstrap my heels, placing them next to my feet, and take off my seat belt. To his surprise, I instantly climb towards the back seats of his car, getting low immediately after I succeeded. "You said the t-shirt was back here?" I ask him, glancing to the middle seat. Usually, if you pulled it down, there was a compartment that had a shortcut to the trunk. I put two fingers between the small loop the divided the seats and the storage, pulled it back, and pushed a small button that pulled back. Surely, my predictions were correct.

"Hey— be careful back there. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." Sugawara says, without any notion that I had done times many times before when I went out with the band. Carefully, I reach my hand into the dark space, feeling and touching on items that might feel like a t-shirt. The only thing that is in reach is a duffel bag, a volleyball, and a box until I catch hold of thick cloth.

Carefully pulling it out of the dark, I observe thoroughly, to discover it's a jacket of some sort. When I cautiously unfold it, I reveal a large hoodie, with big orange letters painted on the front, 'Karasuno.' "Oh, you can just wear that if you'd like. I don't mind, and besides, it's not dirty or anything." Suga turns briefly to glimpse at me who help the sweater, making sure to adjust his eyes back onto the road afterward.

  "Haha, just don't look," I chuckle, bowing behind his seat for furthermore privacy, before carefully but hastily pulling the blue dress over my head. Finally, I'm released from its threshold. Then, I take the hood, and slide it over my torso, and pull it down. The size was just perfect for me to lounge in. Once I'm comfortable, I toss the dress into the front seat and make my way there too.

"Thanks, Suga. I didn't wanna be in that all night. Anyway, where are we going again? To a skate park? Great, do you have skateboards?" I asked, digging in my purse for some extra socks. Once I find some, I pull them over my feet, glad that the ache of the heels was almost over with.

  "Uh, no. I don't know how to skate. But my friends usually come here a lot, and there's never any security, so if you'd like we can just stay here for a while until you wanna go home." He says, pulling into a small lot with a few small buildings around it. The further he drove went to show that it was a skate park. In fact, one of my favorites. When he finds a spot that isn't too obvious to the main street, he parks his car and rests both hands on his thighs. "It's nice out here, isn't it?"

   I agree, nodding whilst staring at the lit-up park that contained many loops and poles for tricks. "Yeah. Listen, thank you for rescuing me from Miya's. I know you probably had better plans than to have to take me here." As the words leave my mouth, I realize how strange it was that we left and decided to hang out for a while. Although Sugawara was a friend, I still had much to learn about him, including his instincts.

  "Uhm, Suga?" I utter, avoiding contact with him. But even so, I still sense his stare. After grabbing his attention, I ask, "I don't mean to sound like a loser, but why're you so accepting? Not that it's bad, it's that I haven't really met anyone other than my close friends that actually enjoy spending time with me. You're just.. very flexible. You make time for people, you're helpful, you're caring. I wanna know what makes you that way?"

   The question stirs in Suga's mind, bringing about a long silence. For me, I always perceive people to be too careless and flamboyant. Yes, I try to look at both sides of the stories, but I always let people's opinions get to me. It's what makes me so insecure about letting people get to know who I really am. "After everything that happened, I decided that I wasn't who I wanted to be. I'm not saying I completely love who I am, but I try to be a better person. Especially to people that mean a lot to me."

   "Oh, yeah. I get it." I say, leaning my head back in the seat. "After everything that happened at the beginning of high school, I decided it was best to pick myself up. I wasn't gonna achieve anything by sitting around and throwing my life away, right? I think I'm just confused because.. well... after being comfortable with who I am, I don't let people get to know me. I just feel like everybody is too judgmental, and I'm gonna seem like I'm still a burnout."

  "I get it. But people do change, Y/n. People like us. I guess— time flies so fast. Everyone changes so quickly that in a blink of an eye, your entire perspective of something is completely altered, and everyone you know— or at least used to— they're on a completely different level than what you expected. It feels like you're realizing that it's not as simple as you thought. It's realizing that you'll be somewhere totally different than four years from now. You've gotta have that realization things are never gonna stay the same." As much as I wanted to deny it, Sugawara was right. Even if I'm somebody who's approved by everyone, I'm still my own person, whether they like it or not. How I develop has only to do with me, and no one else. "And besides, you're a very likable person, Y/n. I'm sure you don't have to worry about being enough for other people. You're more than enough."

  I couldn't help but chuckle bashfully at his sentence. "Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls you let in your car," I say jokingly, meeting eyes with Sugawara. But he isn't laughing very much, just lightly smiling, and shaking his head 'no'.

  Suddenly, one of his hands meets with my cheek, brushing against the peach fuzz that stood upon it. I could do nothing more than stare at him, observing the way his chest rose so fast while doing so."Y/n," he mumbles, making my heart beat faster than light speed itself. His eyes did more than observe every inch of my expression but search for something other than panic. "I'd like for you to know that you're someone so incredibly valuable. You're beautiful and talented and sweet. God, you're so sweet. Don't let anybody tell you you're anything less, which includes yourself."

  "Kou," I whimper to him, placing my hand on his, and feeling his thumb slide towards the corner of my lips while feeling him come closer towards me. Any longer I waited for him to touch mine would have resulted in a heart attack.

  "What is it?" He whispers, oblivious to the action of parting my lips with his finger, feeling against their softness. What made it even more desirable was the way he stared at them, imitating the way they would move when kissing him. And I did so, impatiently waiting for him to touch them, I demand of him, "Koushi, kiss me already. Please, I want to. I.. I do."

  Sugawara rapidly grabs my wrists to make sure I don't squirm and finally takes initiative to press my lips against his. At first, he feels them softly, but once I show the bit of resistance, he soon lets go of one wrist and grabs the back of my neck, bringing it closer to him than ever. Our mouths can barely get rest, inflicting a dangerous amount of sharp intake from our noses. Every second of being gripped in his hold felt so much more heated than I had expected. If I wasn't such a prude, I probably would have gone further as to let him kiss my neck.

   The small groans that echoed throughout my throat made the both of us feel just as nervous as before, but still, it made the process of making out more enjoyable. Especially the heat of his mouth, along with the way his tongue grazed mine ever so gently. With the way that Sugawara had kissed me, I couldn't remember a time I had ever kissed someone so meaningfully as this. So passionate, and loving.

  So damn long.

—

Hey guys, thank you for making it so far in the chapter. I know it was a long one. Pls remember to note and comment! Love you all <3

- estrxlar

[cuuno-moved]

okay here it is:

EDIT UHHHH TW FOR DISCUSSION OF ABUSE AND DEATH. AND ALSO A PANIC ATTACK AT THE END IDK HOW I FORGOT THAT

Rose knew what he was expecting.

He'd seen the painting of Bryce, had read his wife's journal, he knew what he looked like and what he acted like, he should have been prepared for whatever the ghost threw at them upon revival.

He wasn't expecting this.

Bryce lay on Rose's bed, wearing a simple white shift that didn't quite cover the twisting, winding, cancerous patterns on his shoulders and chest. He was writhing on the bed, legs tangled in the sheets, whimpering and whining like a hurt dog.

"Hold him down," Acamar ordered. "I have to give him one more potion, or he's not going to be able to survive the night."

Rose grabbed Bryce's arm, ignoring the chill that immediately rolled up his arm at the contact with a spirit that had- not even a week ago- chopped off all of his hair in a juvenile fit.

Bryce whimpered at the contact, flinching away, but Rose held firm. "It's alright, you're almost done."

Cilantro chittered anxiously from the foot of the bed. "He looks like he's going to be sick-"

"One minute," Acamar said, reading the label on the bottle. "He needs to hold this in his mouth for one minute."

Rose winced, glancing down at the twisting figure. "I don't… I don't know how-"

"-I got this," Cilantro said, scampering forward, taking the bottle from Acamar. "I don't know if he'll swallow without prompting, so if we just…"

Cilantro dumped the whole bottle in Bryce's mouth, slapping a paw over his lips immediately to stop him from spitting it out. Bryce choked for a second before going still, face twisting into a grimace. For a second, his eyes fluttered open, but then he went limp again.

As soon as Acamar gave the signal, Cilantro's hand shifted from Bryce's mouth to his nose, pinching it. Bryce immediately gulped down the potion, heaving in a breath and sobbing.

"It's okay," Rose said, softly, like he was talking to a child, and not someone twice his age. "It's okay, you're done, you did great-"

"We just committed a natural crime," Acamar sighed, wiping sweat from its brow. It had taken off its veil to work, and Rose would probably be more excited about seeing its face if the circumstances were any different. "Do you understand how much trouble we'd be in if the authorities found out we've done necromancy?"

"Then don't tell them," Cilantro said, whiskers flashing irritably. "Acamar, we did what we had to-"

"-We resurrected a woman who had been dead for a hundred and thirty four years in hopes that he would- actually, wait, why did we bring him back at all?!" Acamar's fangs flashed in the light as it snarled, the wispy white mustache framing a furious cavern of pointed yellow teeth. "I can't believe this- I keep getting dragged into these schemes by you two, I keep-"

Bryce grunted, burying his face in the pillow, one hand weakly grabbing at Rose's sleeve.

They were all quiet for a moment, staring at him as if waiting for him to wake up. Finally, Acamar continued.

"Rose… I know you miss your family. I get that. But this isn't-"

"It's not like that," Rose said, tired. "It's not a family thing, I just… do you realize how much he went through? How lonely and hurt he was? And then, to be forgotten like that…"

Acamar didn't say anything for a moment, just stared at him. "... Rose, you know you can't save everyone."

"I don't want to save everyone," Rose responded, firmly. "Just Bryce."

"...Cilantro?"

Cilantro's head snapped up, blinking vigorously at them. "Mm?"

"Are you on board with this?"

"Oh yes, absolutely," The rodent wiggled excitedly, baring teeth. "This is probably the best idea Rosalyn has ever had."

"Thanks," Rose huffed in amusement. "Glad to know I've got a hardened criminal on my side."

"Aradrew Mallacin Rosesil Kent," Acamar finally said, its voice hushed. "Do you promise me that you'll keep yourself safe?"

"Acamar Matahari Solidago," Rose responded, smiling softly. "I swear on my life."

"Then I will help you," Acamar said, grimly. "But if I so much as suspect that Bryce's presence is harming your mental state-"

"Understood," Rose smiled. "Thank you."

The next time Bryce awakened, it was the next day, when they were eating lunch.

They usually all sat back to back, because Rose couldn't stand to watch Acamar crunch into live rats like they were apples (although Cilantro had never had any sort of trouble with it), and, according to Cilantro, "there is no experience so humiliating as sharing a meal with the ones you love," whatever that meant.

Rose was facing the bed, eating his cucumber and chives sandwich, when Bryce shifted and grunted, one hand coming up to his face.

"He's awake! He's awake!" Rose cried, standing up. "Bryce, can you hear me?"

Bryce whimpered, wiggling away from Rose's searching fingertips. Rose froze, glancing back at Acamar, who nodded encouragingly at him.

"Bryce?"

"Loud," Bryce grunted. "Bright."

Rose snorted, slapping a hand over his mouth immediately. "Yeah, uh. Sorry, this is as dim as it gets."

Bryce hummed, one hand covering his eyes. For a second, Rose thought he was going to say something else, but then his breathing evened out, and he was asleep again.

"He's not very coherent, is he?" Cilantro observed. "And his accent is funny."

"The version of Empirical that he's speaking is over a hundred years outdated," Rose hummed. "And he's Grimlandic, too, which was a lot closer to Glimmer Grove in terms of culture and language. Actually, I think parts of the Grimlands morphed into Glimmer Grove, over the course of the last hundred years or so…"

"How do you know all of this?" Acamar chuckled. "How much research have you done?"

"I don't know, a lot?" He shrugged, glancing at Bryce. "It just… I wanted to know what he went through."

They were all quiet, before Cilantro spoke up. "What… did he go through? You have never told us the details."

"Um… when he was a kid- 15 years old, not a little kid- he survived this, like, cataclysmic event that killed everyone in his county. He was the only survivor," Rose absently brushed some of Bryce's hair out of his eyes. "He was trapped in the shell of his county in a sort of quarantine for a year. When he broke out, everyone either turned him away or told him he wasn't… he wasn't special for it, it wasn't that hard. He hadn't done any fighting, or really even used any survival skills, he was in a house the whole time, with fresh vegetables from a garden and everything-"

"But he was alone for a year," Acamar said, softly. "After watching everyone he loved die."

"Yeah," Rose sighed. "Eventually, he met a woman, and they had a child together, but, um… he wasn't a very good mother to the boy? He didn't… he didn't stick around much, and when he was around, his wife was verbally and emotionally abusive, told him… told him he shouldn't have survived."

Cilantro hissed quietly at that. "Ah. And then he died?"

"Yeah, lung cancer," Rose hummed. "He was… 34? So, younger than Acamar. I couldn't find an actual record of where he died, no hospitals or clinics in the area so I think… I think he might have died alone, in the woods or something."

Acamar rubbed its chin thoughtfully. "You said… you said once that he was erased from family history. Do you know why?"

"His wife and son remembered him as an absent, rude person, and told everyone he was cold-hearted and cruel. And maybe he was, maybe he was actually awful and horrible and deserved to die…" Rose took a deep breath, running a hand over his shaved head. "But maybe he was just hurting."

Cilantro hummed, crawling up onto the bed to sit beside Rose. "Are you… you are trying to give him something to live for, yes?"

Rose thought about that for a moment, before rubbing his eyes and chuckling. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."

The next time Bryce woke up, no one was in the house.

Cilantro had left to go home to Sanctuary, for a job interview at the post office, while Acamar had to return to the farm in Dawn, and Rose was shopping.

He got back pretty quickly, dropping the crochet bags on the counter to sort through later, wandering absently upstairs to check on Bryce.

He was gone.

Rose stood in the doorway for a moment, staring dumbly at the bed, trying to summon a coherent thought about it. For a moment, he wondered if he had walked into the wrong room, or if he hadn't even ever had Bryce in his house at all, but the sheets were all messed up and a glass of water sat on the nightstand.

And then, his eyes trailed up to the corner, and all of his fears disappeared.

Bryce sat in the corner, knees up to his chest, curled in on himself, staring at Rose with crimson eyes. He didn't look scared per se, more apprehensive, his jaw tight.

"Uh, hey," Rose said, waving dumbly. "Hi, welcome back to life."

"Rose," Bryce said, his accent thick and harsh. "Why am I here."

"Oh cool, you do know who I am," Rose said, rubbing his arms uncomfortably. "I wasn't sure how I was going to introduce myself, that'd be pretty awkward."

"Why am I here?" Bryce repeated, and he sounded tired. "Why did you bring me back?"

"Because," Rose said, thinking hard. "Because, because…"

"Because?"

"Because… because I think that if you're going to be trapped in the void for all eternity, I want you to have some nice memories."

"So… you brought me back," Bryce's voice was exhausted, his eyes slipping shut, a look of utter grief slipping across his face. "You brought me back so I can die happy."

"No, not-" Rose stumbled over his words. "It's not like that-"

"Am I a joke to you?" Bryce snarled, suddenly, his eyes snapping open. "A social experiment? I'm here so you can feel better about yourself, feel like you saved some poor lost soul-"

"No, I'm-"

"I know you, Rose, I've been inside your head, You're-"

"-Bryce-"

"-YOU'RE NOT A GOOD PERSON."

Both of them went silent, staring at each other, before Rose sighed, shaking his head.

"Yeah, okay, objectively, I'm kind of a dick. I'm mean to strangers and I sometimes shittalk my friends when they're not around. I admit that. I get it, fine whatever. This isn't about that. This is about the fact that you were so desperate to be heard that you possessed me and shaved my head. This is about the fact that even in life, no one loved you. This is about the fact that no one deserves to die like that."

Bryce's face twisted, his expression bitter. "There's a reason necromancy is illegal, you know. We're only meant to get one shot at life, and I wasted mine. I may not have deserved to die like that, but I did, and you can't change that."

Rose hummed, shrugging. "Maybe not, but you're back now, aren't you? It's too late to send you back."

Bryce gazed at him silently for a moment longer, before his eyes fell to the bottles and bottles of potions that sat on the nightstand just in case, and something in his expression changed. "You guys… you don't know me. No matter how much you researched me, no matter how much you think you know, you don't know me."

"But we still want you to be happy."

"Happy…" Bryce chuckled humourlessly. "That's a new one."

Rose hesitated, before moving forward, crouching in front of Bryce. "Can I hug you?"

"Why-" Bryce blinked at him, confused. "Why would you want to?"

"Because talking to you is depressing as hell and I think I need a hug," Rose lied through his teeth. "It's fine if you say no-"

"No. No, I mean… if you really need it, I suppose you can-"

Rose lurched forward, wrapping Bryce in a hug. The woman froze, hands hesitating before gently landing on Rose's back.

For a moment, they sat there, before Bryce rapidly tapped against Rose's shoulder, his breath suddenly coming out in shuddering gasps.

"Let go, let go, get off me, please-"

Rose immediately let go, moving back. Bryce curled up on himself, hiding his face behind his knees, choking and shaking.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Rose said, glancing nervously at the door. "Do you… do you need me to leave?"

"Yeah. Yeah, please get out, leave-"

Rose did, scrambling out as fast as he could, running downstairs to the kitchen, where he pulled out his communicator, sending a brief message to Acamar and Cilantro before sitting on the cabinet, pressing his face into his hands.

He wasn't really sure what just happened, but he knew he didn't really want to be alone with him right now. Not for Rose's sake, but for Bryce's.

oohhh also i wrote a kent heritage story.