#But FUCK. What the GOT DAMN HELL...
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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In which impulses are revisited
#the barking writer#redstone and skulk#tangotek#tanguish#impulsesv#woah what character spoilers in the tags oh boy#got to do some research on deepfrost citadel for this one#the timeline in RnS is very fuzzy and I had to do some serious squinting and revisiting season 9 to figure out how much Tango had built#i still think i'm probably wrong but it is 1am and i am going to bed continuity be damned#if there are more spelling / grammer issues in this chapter than normal it is because i'm exhausted and my brain is fried#<- spoken with love and affection obviously if i cared that much i would've slept instead#anyway have another fucking ungodly long chapter from me the writer who doesn't know how to shut the hell up#6k words babeyyyy
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we could've had a darker skinned mammon,,,,,
prev bimet and current bimet have the same colors in terms of hair, eyes, and even horns
why do mammon like that 😭 don't get me wrong, current mammon is great but a lil bit more melanin might do him good overall
prev mammon has piqued my interest 👀 he's got melanin AND long hair im fucking sold
,,,,,would he be considered a dilf tho 🤔
don't get me wrong im still pissed at PB but im glad there isn't another pale pretty boy in the game 😶 man's most likely gone and would never be playable but hey, variety in skin tone
#what in hell is bad#whb#prettybusy what in “hell” is bad?#what in “hell” is bad?#whb mammon#whb bimet#THANK FUCK WE GOT SOME MELANIN#IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME#SIR JUST ONE CHANCE PLEASE#is he a big guy too cuz#oho 👀#I NEED HIS FULL BODY SPRITE ASAP
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Just finished Return of Ultraman!! (i got really attached...)
#return of ultraman#ultraman jack#hideki go#jiro sakata#yuriko oka#ultraman#i've decided to watch all of ultraman in order. Because I love it lmao#did Return of Ultraman get crazy compelling half way through!? When I wasn't looking!? what happened!? AAAA!? It was kinda great!?#My first impression was not super good... and it took me awhile to come back around but damn it they did it#also i ended up really enjoying Go and Jiro towards the end lol.#Good for Go being one of the only toku protags i've seen take responsibility for a child lmao#gonna ignore the final episode... that's not on him... that's Ultraman's fault. Damnit Ultraman.#Also Oka should get to kick more ass. She was so cool when she got to do things ladkfjlek#Siiiiigh... the MAT uniforms are so good.... very Yoshiko aesthetic..... Simple but sleek as hell#(its the chevron pfffff)#also I was aware that Jiro Dan(Go's actor) was the Ryusoul elder but he was also PAPA GORAIGER!? WHAT!? THAT FUCKING GUY!?
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Yes, of course I have a thing for the rich lady that sets up elaborate games to hunt and eat people for sport. She’s British she’s posh she’s old she’s commanding and she’s morally revolting. How the hell am I supposed not to have a thing for her
#her name is LADY MOWBRAY for fuck’s sake. she ticks all my boxes!!!!!#like literally she’s got an enormous rifle and calls people ‘dearie’ what the hell am I supposed to do#i heard her voice and I was gone#jon sims really is the gift that keeps on giving. first gertrude and now this lady. I’m having the time of my life#thank god mr bonzo isn’t the OIAR’s only hitman lmao#im a bit late but this was a damn good episode! poor alice got extremely traumatised!#this was not a good one for her between the catastrophic flirting failure at the beginning and… that… at the end#and we got to meet luke! something terrible is gonna happen to him isn’t it#obsessed with the fact that gwen has apparently fully embraced her role. she’s got her customer service voice ready and everything#she offered the HUMAN HUNT LADY some REFRESHMENTS like girlie what are you doing#and what are the Cheshire Bouchards?????? you can’t just name-drop that and not elaborate???#overall I feel like the one that comes out of this episode on top is celia. she’s got some serious guts!#standing up to the human hunt lady right after listening to a statement about said human hunt lady? holy shit celia#VERY very good episode overall. i had a blast and lady Mowbray was genuinely scary (I love her already agh)#the magnus protocol#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#tmagp 15#lady mowbray
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hhhhidea...,,,, CUTE idea (kinda?) dust reading to phantom papyrus during night to lull him to sleep,,,, but really its just a way for him to pretend that everythings not really that shit (as if phantom paps isn't just dust's denial incarnate) and to help him NOT wake up because of a nightmare again or something
(and just because i can't resist now im imagining this with mtt. not that dust stopped reading to paps in place of killer and horror (because he wouldnt he simply wouldn't) but now the two join them for storytime. horror knocks out pretty damn fast and eventually dust falls asleep too after he makes sure that paps is satisfied with the amount he read and then killer's just left to sit there. maybe he tries to fall asleep maybe he doesn't,,,, maybe he picks up the book and continues reading but EITHERWAY,,,,,, this scene in my head so 💥💥💥😇😇😇)
#sweet soft mtt taking OVER triglycercule's brain has been invaded with them.........#horror probably sleeps like a rock man. dust is a very very very light sleeper. killer doesn't sleep at all and when he does#its just like that half asleep state. better than nothing tho....... those weeks of not sleeping probably leads to the most delicious naps#now in an ideal world killer learns to get a proper sleep schedule even if he can't feel his exhaustion#however in MY mtt dominated world killer doesn't fix his sleep habits and instead just takes a shitton of naps everywhere#they killerfied the house (made everything softer to sleep on) and killer always has 2 walking pillows to sleep on#sure he might not get 8 hours of sleep like during night. but he got that over the day so its ok TRUSY#this surely wont have any bad side effects but whatever its the mtt since when do they care about PROPER habits. if it works it works#ik i aaaaalways say hrkl wouldn't like phantom paps and find it weird but also now im considering#like. them being jealous of dust for always having kinda papyrus with him#like damn..... horror fucked up his brother permanently. he will never get the old paps back#and killer doesnt want to see his papyrus again because then he thinks hell just ruin everything again#but dust gets to talk and laugh and joke with his paps all the time!!! he got it better than them and thats just cus he hallucinates!!!! wt#i mean phantom paps isnt a 1:1 version of papyrus but hes close enough in my eyes#another idea....... horror (and maybe killer if he warms up to it) hanging out with dust JUST to talk to phantom paps#dust could easily just lie about what phantom paps says (although unless he had a reason he wouldnt risk upsetting paps like that methinks)#but theres something there. something something toxic mttpoly dynamic or whatever idc man. im in the mood for FLUFF!!!!!!!!!!#i think it would be funny if phantom paps says dusts deepest thoughts about hrkl. and then if he wants to say it dust has to filter it a LO#they could be sitting near killer and phantom paps would provide a detailed description of why killer has the mannerisms of a cat#and then dust would (hesitantly) agree to everything paps said (he was thinking it too) but when killer looks back at him#(he's been staring at killer for the past 10 minutes to see if what paps said was right) dust just says like. you remind me of a cat#OR BETTER YET he doesn't wanna admit that he thought of that so he just says paps says you remind him of a cat#insert horror version of this moment here. and killer quickly realizes that dust's just using papyrus as an excuse for why he says stuff#like that sometimes. horror just thinks dust's a weirdo freak (but unlike killer he takes the little observations to heart. loser)#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc
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new rt everyone shes a freak whos pretty sure shes been been given the role of rogue trader as an act of divine intervention to eventually replace the godemperor and bring new glory to the imperium which she thinks is dull and stagnant. dont worry about why she keeps marazhai caged in her trophy room like he's bait its not important and completely irrelevant to the fact ive joke nicknamed her simon thresh. has anyone noticed a lot of slaaneshi demons during warp jumps lately
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#von valancius#if i ever mention about marazhai going insane on the voidship this is what i want you to think of#understimulated predator animal in a cage claws itself open#its worse with her but i do think he generally feels kinda insane anyway#yeah he's tricked into thinking she's tolerable and a fair alternative to the arena then hes taken to the voidship#yrliet [who was the fixation until now] tries to warn him about her before getting her head bashed in infront of him#spirit stone smashed into shards for ritual use body dragged off for vague poor medical knowledge dissection#he is now thinking the arena might not be so bad after all. except he's got no way to back out of this so hes screaming clawing at the wall#shes not giving him up willingly and the only person who could take him by force is calcazar whos not a great alternative tbh!#so he gets to go insane being bait for the chaos god he's already ocd fixated is stealing his soul [on top of normal drukhari fears]#and he's not able to maul anyone else while locked up so its just him dealing with this alone! yay#she doesnt give a shit about pasqal until he gets xenotech in him. then he goes to the trophy room too for study/more grafts#heinrix is most likely captive in the trophy room too with his death faked so he cant snitch#idira Almost got in trouble too for the implant she gets from tervantias but then it breaks and this lass is just angry at her#the Only reason she doesnt feed her to the wolves and kick her out is her door. and she is now trying to force it open with a crowbar#abelard has to deal with her shit and manage it socially. he never thought he'd want to retire but fucking hell when can he quit#she likes jae mostly for her connections. toxic yuri theyre both using eachother#she briefly idolises achilleas for bringing her to commorragh but then finds out he did it under torture and didnt want to. mad at him#he can make it up to her once hes a wrack though [he is going next to marazhai. this will only improve both their mental states]#can you tell this freak is a piece of work yet#shes got screams of the damned volume 3 playing across the ship and shes having a great time but is completely deadpan the whole time#unrelated! you can finally see my idea of marazhai next to a normal fucking human good god. yeah i think hes huge
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IS BARNABY NEUTERED
THE PUPPET??????
#HUH?????#WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO? SNIP A STRAY THREAD????#im cackling! what the Hell are you talking about!#they are Puppets!!! they don't have anything!!! they're smooth all over!!!#damn... got this ask so Unprompted... what brought this on smh#its like pointing at someone's stuffed animal and going 'does that thing have its tubes tied'#my guy does it fuckign What? the plush toy??? you're talking about this absolute Object???#rambles from the bog#humoring this ask is gonna have consequences i can feel it#and also i know from experience </3#there's a certain point you reach in blog 'popularity' where you start getting the weirder stuff like this#i mean this ask is Very tame. Very Tame. yall would not believe the shit i've historically gotten on my dc blog. my god
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just reread whump au for the nth time now, and it suddenly occurred to me what in god's name would've happened if dipper just straight up kicked the bucket right after saying, "i love you."
i can't imagine bill's reaction would've been a good one. i'm getting chills just trying to picture it, honestly.
in fact, just the image of dipper dying in general, and seeing the aftermath of that from bill's pov, has my whole body breaking out into goosebumps.
awesome.
also, let's just assume that bill hasn't yet figured out the whole reincarnation thing in this scenario aha
(i just really like angst okay? lmao)
Oh man, Bill? Oh Bill. Bill.
He would be very, very upset.
Also this is a good opportunity for the ol' classic:
#answers#There's probably a short time where he's too stunned to have a response#Which is *very* rare for Bill; he's old as hell - literally! - and seen and done pretty much everything#This of course can't last long. Bill is a being of *action*. And rage.#Bill is not taking this lying down#He's not taking this AT ALL what BULLSHIT is THIS#He didn't even get a DECADE with this mortal and what he's just GONE??? BULLSHIT#NO CHANCE NOT HAPPENING NOPE NOPE NO FUCK THAT#If the multiverse thought Bill during their 'break' was bad this is going to be orders of magnitude worse#He's experienced something he never thought he'd ever feel and never *ever* thought would be felt for him in turn#It was strange and disgustingly domestic. Grossly wibbly soft and chokingly *Sweet* with this lovely rivalry ganache#Something he won't - can't - continue on throughout the ages without. Not after he knows what it's *like*#Nothing's gonna match *that* again. Barely a decade damn it and it just. Just went. *poof*.#And FUCK THAT#The soul has to be somewhere. Lots of people can build a body. There's solutions#And if anyone or anyTHING stands in his way he's going to get rid of it without even stopping to monologue or gloat#Bill's got a mission and no psychopomp or demon or god is going to stand in his way of reclaiming what's his#Even if he has to go on a full-on quest for it. Tearing a path through the multiverse#He is GOING to get him BACK#Dipper's Last Words are going to have a greater effect than he could have imagined#Because with those ringing in Bill's brain he's not going to ever *stop*#Narratively speaking it'd be the most Character Development for Bill to exhaust his violent means#And have to bargain with someone#(Probably the Axolotl)#The biggest challenge Bill has ever or will ever face: Going up to someone. Hat in hand. And saying *please*
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CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER (bark), THRILLER (bark) NIGHT
Usopp's outfit is so funny for reals
He got the whole squad laughing
Luffy enablers at it again.... (Robin.... I know.....)
The humor panels so far have been so good!!! God this arc is so funny
HE SAID IT‼️‼️
They look like birds 😭😭
It's just too good... luffy taking cerberus and zombies what can't he do
It's just banger after banger what can I say
Franky feeling for other people because of his guilt complex and sanji lying through his teeth and pulling out the women excuse to seem unaffected... yeah
Look at them.... look how they ate
Omg joyboy reference?? (No)
Sanji is rubbing off on usopp.... also chopper noticing that is sogeking's weapon akdhaksjak
ANOTHER SLAY!!!!!
Their priorities: I'm not strong enough, there isn't enough food, and nami isn't here
Franky going from wanting to kill brook for his jokes to making a joke like his after he hears his backstory... exactly (Robin was already enabling him before the backstory even fdagjsfha)
Sanji is altering his body and actually being on fire to communicate to us how fucking mad he is..... I need more of him going insane I do I do
My god what is he doing ALDJALAJALA
AHSAHAHQHAH THEY ARE THE SAME!!! naaah sanji wouldn't force a woman to be his wife
You cant see me but I am nodding my head in agreement over and over
You don't understand he altered his body to communicate to us how mad he is. He inploded himself and then reconstituted again. Those germa 66 genes are insane
You tell em usopp!!!! The first of many girls you've scared into defeat!!! Akdjqknql
Zoro zombie regressed to not trusting robin akdjaks he's still in there
ROBI-CHO SUPLEX??? HELL YEAAAAAH
There is zosa- [GUNSHOT GUNSHOT GUNSHOT GUNSHOT]
Super frapper gong.... he is doing combo shots with frobin... omg.... parents....
Everything is so fun I'm having such a good time reading.... and then zosan angst like damn I am being fed well here
#in the anime the guys didn't say they wanted to die aldjlajala for the kids luffy just wants to turn into a clam#thriller bark is so funny.... 'worst arc' my ass.... it's funny as hell and then we get zosan angst. best thing ever#same with skypiea but there we got really nice relationships betwen characters and nolan x calgara homoeroticism for the ages#and LORE for the ages. not like the kuma incident won't be talked about in the history books but yeah#everyone calling absalom perv salom... yeah#sanji in that fucking penguin never gets old.... also HELLO LOLA#moira fought against kaido and lost akdjsksnks is that why he became a warlord? just like whitebeard defeated crocodile?? out of spite??#also what is the land of ice where moira got oars? he also mentioned it before too... i thot he was referring to ryuma so it was wano but n#the legend of the continent puller who built a nation of villains.... okay okay oars....#oars was killed 500 years ago.... ✍️✍️ this somehow feels important bc of its closeness to the void century etc#zombie luffy oars wanting sanjis food.... 🚬🚬🚬 of course.....#oars luffy maintaining his dream... yeah yeah. also namis outfits for this arc are so sickening.... i miss them already#the zombie generals being at absalom's wedding... thats so funny..#luffy oars is so funny aldjslsn just making himself a hat and steering his giant ship... of course#you guys think they are going to make sanji mad about the clear clear fruit in the opla or completely ignore it bc his reasoning is bad#like it makes sense with the wci backstory it does but that would be spoilers lmao. so its either he wants to peep on women or nothing#i love the greek chorus of the two zombies telling the audience how they are both as bad in that regard. amazing#did ryuma use french for his attack.... there is zosan everywhere for tho-[GUNSHOTS]#zombie ryuma's design is also cool as hell.... his blood is literally fire.... come on now....#also zoro says he wants to act like this fight didnt happen... is that why he says fuck all in wano to hiyori? damn. he said i put shame#in you and your country but i will keep it quiet bc you gave me a cool sword and fight and i am actually so honorable. thats him yeah...#zombie zoro and sanji remaining tfait being that they hate (love fighting) each other... there is zosa-[GUNSHOT GUNSHOT GUNSHOT]#i forgot how much oars destroyed them... after enies lobby they seem untouchable but without their captain there... the gears are turning..#also btw i cannot believe im gonna get an answer about why the skypieans and the shandians have wings. thats insane#i am enjoying luffy oars so much it is so fun. trying to enjoy it bc i know i won't be laughing anymore once sabaody kicks in.... fuck me..#usopp and franky wanting to wait for luffy to beat oars down but zoro and sanji know... and they will KNOW soon enough....#i forgor kuma asked about ace to nami... what is going on. kuma coming from the warlord meeting too.... did he want to warn him??#he wanted to inform moria about balckbeard becoming a warlord omg here we go.... also moria being racist towards kuma hello???#and he strictly follows the government.... until here bc he lets luffy go.... christ.... he asks about ace bc he knew what blackbeard did..#reading one piece
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Ooouuugghh hello neighbor you are SO stuuupid i love you so much. PLEASE learn how to end a game
#Quentin got fucking CLONKED on the head and im supposed to be SATISFIED WITH THAT??#is he DEAD?#guess ill never know#and also#what the HELL happened in that damn birdman section of the game
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look i know this month has been crazy already in what has been going on for me BUT IT GETS CRAZIER... I got to finally have my constant pain I've had for two years diagnosed... I have fibromyalgia lol i have a chronic illness??😭😭
tbf it doesn't change anything i was already coping with these pains because I've been sitting with em for 2 years i just have anti depressants now but you know what has changed... my character lore GOT SICK AS FUCK!!!!!!!🦅🦅🦅🦅 (lighthearted)
#not art#i feel like someones oc rn#wdym i have a higher sense of pain and i feel physical pain when i get stressed that sounds like what i did to my ocs at 10 for lore LMAO#on top of that i got told i have hyperelasticity and got told... hm yeah thats probably why you wear glasses#THEN HE PROCEEDS TO EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT HAS BEEN WRONG WITH MY EYES FOR YEARS WHAT THE FUCK#born to be blind ig i guess it wasnt that damn phone after all/joke#not gonna lie i kinda saw fibromyalgia coming because my family does have a history of it but still damn#im taking it pretty well rn but i was very mortified at the prospect of a chronic illness but. whatever im already coping well#AGAIN THIS DOES NOT CHANGE ANYTHING LOL i just think its crazy as hell#character lore got sick as hell this month i got into a car crash them boom you have chronic illness that is basically a disability#also you have funny nerves hehe you can stretch funny AND THAT MAKES YOU BLIND#i feel like someones oc#(not reallt a car crash almost was but. MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN WITH HOW I WAS LEFT???)
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Some new art of a very very old oc of mine! From like, when I was an 8th grader in middle school to freshman in high school I think, I haven’t thought about this character or the world she’s from in like… years, but my brain suddenly remembered she existed! And so I drew some art of her!
Visually, she’s absolutely mostly the result of my child self sticking Toko Fukawa from Danganronpa and Peacock from Skullgirls in a blender and lettin it fuckin rip. Personality wise she’s a bit different tho… she’s into politics! As in,,, she’s in politics ghgh, she’s like the chief of the surveillance department for the country of (mostly) witches that the story takes place in. And one of the advisors to the head ruler witch,,, she sucks! Hardcore! she’s def a villain lol
#I made 2 videos for this story and she’s in 1 of them#the idgaf video. at the 30 second mark#but. even tho I specifically remember when I first designed her she had the eyeball braids!#or at least eyeball buns#16 year old me got rid of em!!! for no good reason!#they were fun and cool and fitting for her role and character!!! what the hell 16 year old me!#original#original art#original characters#my ocs#artists on tumblr#eyes#doodles#the other video from this story I made is the something’s not right meme lol#the difference in tone is fucking tremendous#that one tho is more… a lore tidbit… like… it’s background on a phenomena of the setting…#as a middle schooler I did not give a shit about major or minor or background characters tho. or even actually telling a cohesive story?#like. I started w a few characters. and then. went on to characters they were connected too. and then characters they were connected too#and then on an on and on it was just a web of vaguely interconnected dudes in a vaguely interconnected world#no. real narrative lol. but I had fun w it! it was cool. I wish I still had my sketchbooks w the stuff I made for it#I feel like it’d be a fun thing to look back on… sadly fire took them… damn u fire ghg#* shakes first at past horrible traumatic experience *#anyway yeah! enjoy art of evil eyeball lady w no name lmao#*fist not first… spellings hard#partial nudity#in the second pic. but also u can’t rlly see anything so. I think it’s fine?#I’ll still tag just in case tho
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Considering the. Ahem. Ways this year has gone, I've not been thinking about it all that much, but. I did start this year with the motto of Year Of Unfucking My Life. With a few goals involved in that.
I got an official adhd diagnosis, as well as a diagnosis for PCOS. Other diagnoses in progress. Gotten adhd meds and birth control to regulate periods. I've gone back to school and I'm keeping up with it better than ever before. I've even been working on practicing driving, something I've been largely neglecting since I first got my driving permit, um... 11 years ago...
I just need to actually Get my license. And I need to get it before the end of the year. If I can accomplish that, then I'll say the Year Of Unfucking My Life was successful.
#speculation nation#i had some pretty major negative And positive influences for this goal of mine.#primary negative influence of course being my dad abruptly dying.#but that also led to the primary positive influence of the life insurance payout that's letting me just focus on school for my final year.#it's like a monkey's paw curl kind of moment. i got a genuinely astounding amount of money#more than enough to live off for a year+ and pay off the rest of my schooling.#with this i have finally exited the purgatory of part time school full time work to pay my way through school#a setup that led to endless stress (both physically and mentally) and suffering grades.#failing some classes and taking longer bc part time Anyways. locking me into years and years of this perpetual fucking Hell.#ive escaped it. school is so so so much more manageable when i dont have to work a job. im actually keeping up with my assignments.#for once theres no uncertainty about passing any of my classes. i Will pass them all. and i expect As in most if not all of them.#it's been fucking Amazing. everything i couldve wanted. and it came with the low low cost of losing my father when i was only 26.#... 'low' being sarcastic here of course. he was the 2nd worst person i couldve lost in my life. second only to my sister.#the 2nd worst grief i will Ever experience. bc he was my Good parent. hes the very reason i have a future at All.#and losing him fucked me up Severely. im still working on recovering. i kind of figure i always Will be.#thank god id already been taking spring semester off bc that would've been Horrible to go thru while in school.#i honestly probably would've just withdrawn from the semester. theres no Way id have kept up with it#given how damned BUSY those first few weeks after were. between funeral prep and inventorying and packing up his house.#so fucking much involved in settling an estate. and im the lucky one in that my sister's been handling all the legal shit.#so i simultaneously was dealt one of the most severe blows i ever Will be dealt#while also being given probably the biggest boost i'll ever get in my life.#if everything goes well with graduating and getting an IT job then i'll never want for money again.#considering there was a time early last year when i got as low as literally $7 in my bank account. this is a pretty big deal.#it's just... strange. the ways things go in life. this has been a very strange year for me.#just doing my best to use this boost to the best of my ability. even if it feels like im taking advantage of his death.#it's what he wouldve wanted me to do.
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the mtt are lucky they don't have digestive systems and bladders because then they dont have to go through the absolute EMBARRASSMENT that is trying to pee in a damn cup for the doctors and not being able to pee not once. not twice. but also dropping the goddamn cup into the toilet. they are so,,,,,, SO lucky
#im so pissed at myself for choosing to go before the appointment. like what yhe hell man#DUMBASS!!!! DUMBASS MOVE!!!!!!#new kink just dropped reverse omorashi. the despair of trying to be able to pee but you fucking CANT#idk if ive gotten a bit more sensitive to needles but goddamn i didNOT like getting my blood drawn earlier#it was sooo soooo sooooo gross like dude. thats MY BLOOD. COMING OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!#get that foreign object needle out of my damn arm and leave my blood alone#i dont know which of the mtt would feel like that anyways#maybe killer because seeing the blood would be a bit of a wake up from the dissociation hes always going thru ans thats a nonono#like oh god hes actually here and part of the body and this is happening rn and thats HIS BLOOD#perchance. who knows. im about to down like 3 gallons of water#WORK BLADDER DAMN IT WORK!!!!!!! WORKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!#actually maybe all aspects of doctors appointments are like that for killer#the appointments are solely for caring for his body and all that so hes forced to be aware of all the shit hes got going on#no killer you cant just pretend not to see the several broken bones you have says the doctor#the doctor is horror and he's purposely making the appointment as long and drawn out and shitty as possible#just to see killer squirm and look ever so slightly more uncomfortable than he normally does. horrorkiller i love#dust is outside waiting for killer and when he comes out he looks slightly terrified#killer says man dude your husband is a fucked up doctor#dust says thats your husband too bitchass now shut up we get free healthcare#tricule rant
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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