#Black Women and Christianity

[inherpower]

Where is the love?

I have a deep yearning to know and feel God’s love. I’m in an interesting season in my life. There are some relationships that I have upheld as a form of identity for myself and through those relationships I have loved as deeply as I knew how to. All of those relationships have transformed and no longer provide the same sustenance that they once did. I’m being broken down, my sense of identity completely shattered. It’s as if God has inserted himself into my life and decreased my interactions, changed my heart posture so that all I could do was come to Him. In reading 1 John 4:7-21, John tell us that God is love and when we love, we know God.

"We love because he loved us first"  -- 1 John 4:19

But what if you’re view on love and how you were giving and receiving love gets damaged? I find myself having to start fresh and go back to square one, learning what love truly is and is not. I often tell a story of how back at the start of 2020 (before the pandemic hit) I shouted to God at the top of a mountain saying that I am ready to be who HE created me to be. My life utterly broke down after that prayer. In fact I’m still clearing out the rubble as I write this. God stripped me of all perceived safety and security in anything that was not Him. Now I spend a great amount of my time praying and allowing God to rebuild me. This hasn’t been easy. If you are married, a parent, an exalted child, a person of status in your career, imagine that position or title that you hold most dear being adapted into what God desired for you, not the other way around.

One thing I’ve asked God in the past and I’ve heard other people ask is why would God allow for a certain situation and circumstance to happen? God broke it down. Bear with me. At times we get ourselves into situations that weren’t even what God wanted for us in the first place and then we ask why He allowed it to happen. God gave us free will. We made those decisions of our own volition. In fact God loves us so much that He will often send us a messenger telling us hey, that might not be the direction you wanna go in and we may get defensive and push back on that message and say that WE have a right to choose. And if the situation or circumstance that we may be getting into is really bad, God many send a messenger multiple times in many different forms. So why be mad at God? 

Yeah I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but the beauty is that we can come to Him when it all comes down and He will rebuild us and set us on the path that He designed for us. When I asked God to come into my life He cleaned house. All that I had known, believed and stood on was dismantled. Initially I called out to God asking why. Why was I being punished? To make matters worse I had to be silent and not clap back or defend myself when I wanted to. In rare moments when I was crying and pleading to take action He would tell me Do nothing. Say nothing. Let me take care of it. It took some time but He calmed my storms. My conversations with God turned into prayers then they turned into praise. A situation would come along and try to knock me off my square and I started thanking God for His love and protection. I may have been rattled for a bit but I got back to center and grounded myself in God’s love.

So back to what I was initially presenting in regards to my relationships. In each realm of my life (family, friend, self) God has revamped my relationships to show me how loved I am. And for the relationships that still need some work, He has set them aside and is taking care of them on my behalf. While He does that I lean into Him to nourish me. That’s all He’s ever wanted is for me to come to Him so that He can wrap himself around me and remind me that I am loved. There is a verse that has been my beacon of light when it comes to love. When you have a chance read all of Ephesians 3:14-21 but I will share the parts within this larger text that I rest on.

"...that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  -- Ephesians 3:16-19 ESV

I’ll come back to this passage in another post and dive deeper into this cause it’s so good. But I want to end here with this and let you meditate on these words.

[laesposarica]

[taweetie]

Megan Thee Stallion in Christian Siriano for CR Fashion Book

[expulence]

[mermaidstylediaries]

[natsuluna]

Fanny Bourdette-Donon

[feloire]

[wocina]

[onceatpeace]

God loves us,

We are meant to love each other, everyone

Accept who you are and who you will become

Don't let your past define you but shape your future for who you will be

Love isn't rushed or sexual

It's within us to share and appreciate

Enjoy you're time while you still have some

And always be joyous even in bad situations

Heal from what has broken you

Propser from where you are now

Be happy. Be loved. Show love.

-Once at peace

[inherpower]

Love is patient, love is kind. Love is God

I can’t tell you the exact date or month when I stopped drinking alcohol, but I’m certain it was in 2019. Most people would commit such a huge milestone to memory but I knew I didn’t want to memorialize a time that was marked with so much pain. That’s not to say that I miss alcohol. The pain was multifaceted. I spent years of my life using alcohol as a way to anesthetize trauma from my childhood but inadvertently I ended up causing pain to my loved ones through my drinking. Which in turn brought about the pain from shame and guilt. I knew that I shouldn’t be harming myself in such a way but I repeated the dangerous cycle again and again for years. Then there was the pain of quitting, which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I had already reached a breaking point where my back was up against the wall. Fortunately my drinking hadn’t gotten to a point where I lost my job and my family but I lost enough of myself that I was beginning to crack. I can honestly say that God was with me during this time because there is no other explanation for the absolute hard stop. Through I did have moments where I felt lured by the mere camaraderie of drinking with others, the desire to drown my sorrows in vodka was no longer a battle.

This was also a pivotal time as it was sandwiched in between two very important flash points that I cannot gloss over. Some months or maybe a year prior, I was lying in bed crying to my then partner lamenting over the fact that I did not know who I was. A sudden rush of an identity crisis came crashing down and I was struggling to find me. Then after I stopped drinking I was hiking in the hills of Oakland California in early 2020 (right before the pandemic) and yelled out to God from a peak that I had climbed saying I’M READY! MAKE ME THE PERSON THAT YOU CREATED ME TO BE LORD! 2020 was also the year I turned forty and this was crucial since I had prophesied at a young age that thirty, more importantly forty, would be when my life would get progressively better (yeah imagine an eight-year-old child wide eyed about turning forty…crazy). Remember that crack I talked about earlier? Well it would be around this time in my life when those cracks started to give way and I became completely undone.

I was in therapy finally addressing old wounds that I had been running away from for so long. And while this was one of the most difficult times of my life due to the internal changes and rupturing that I was experiencing, I was confident that it would all be worth it and I would come out on the other side healed, shiny and new. Fast forward to today and I felt that rupturing again. There are many new yet familiar things in my life that are cropping up and the one difference that is crucial to note is that I’m not drinking. I know I’m repeating the drinking thing but you have to understand how much of a crutch this was in my life. Work getting on my nerves? Drink. Celebrating something great!? Drink. Trying to be social and engaging with people? Drink. Chilling at home watching tv and just glad that I made it through the week? Drink. But the most important reason for my drinking was to keep everything else out and keep me locked in. Truth be told I hated the taste of alcohol, but once I got past that first or second (sometimes even third) gulp, then I was good. I felt as though I needed vodka and wine to hide from the pain and create a happier, more tolerable avatar that people could like, maybe even love.

In hindsight I recognize that I have a tendency to identify myself through the lens of pain. It wouldn’t be until years after that pivotal moment when I stopped drinking that I began to untether myself from pain. Not to say that I was making a commitment to never feel pain again (that’s impossible) but rather to begin the process of stripping away the narratives that I had painted on myself. Narratives such as being dirty, unholy, spoiled rotten and an all around bad kid. There were other narratives of being an orphan, unloveable, unworthy and damaged goods. I believed that everything I touched died, disintegrated or disappeared. I was able to quiet these narratives through alcohol. So when I sit here, type these words and tell you that I’m in a new state of rupturing without alcohol, without edibles or shrooms (yeah I went there) or even my favorite drug of choice…distraction, I’m forced to look at my life through a clearer lens.

When you see everything through pain it’s hard to see the joy and the good in life. Pain also gave me the false notion that love was unable to be alive within me. Trauma caused me to guard myself, put up walls, barriers, blockades, blinders, moats even around not just my heart, it extended out at least six feet from me. And good luck trying to get in cause those walls were so thick that they were impenetrable. Oddly enough I did my best to pour love out to any and everyone I came across. But because I didn’t know love for myself, I wasn’t really able to give love to others. And as long as I was looking at life through those pain colored glasses, I wouldn’t know how to truly open myself up to the full essence of love.

About a month ago I got baptized. This was an act that I felt was important to me, something that marked a change that started percolating within me just weeks prior. While I had a connection with God, I never had a relationship. And now I wanted to not only know God but feel the fullness of His love for me. Listen, opening up to love can feel terrifying because there’s always the risk of being hurt. But hurt comes even when you’re blocking yourself from the very thing that you’re trying to avoid. Sometimes the hurt is even worse because the rigid stance that we have to brace ourselves for the impact of hurt makes us more brittle and the propensity to crack is greater. I would be insane to think that I could somehow avoid being hurt or hurting someone else, that’s just not realistic. But avoiding pain means that I’m avoiding love, and that is a risk that I’m no longer willing to take.

[ayandagama]

May our future be so bright and beautiful that we stop mourning our past

[healedbyhoney]

Honestly in love with this hairstyle😭 it’s giving 90s or middle school vibes 😅 being natural makes everyday a little more exciting! I am discovering new and different hairstyles that match me and my hair type🥹 I honestly like this style better with my natural hair than with fake hair… but the only downside is I can’t get my hair wet🙄 (i am officially understanding where that stereotype comes from😭🤣”black women can’t get they hair wet” is very true though)

This may be my new go to style/after wash style. And I might not take it out until I have to wash my hair again😅 I can’t wait to do it again with different bead combos and see how long my hair gets 🥰

[expulence]

𝒪𝓁𝒾𝓋ℯ🍸

[whatareyoureallyafraidof]

[pretty-paid-and-put-up]

[feloire]