#Bernard goes wild

[tim-drake-scholar]

Tims “main event” timeline is actually so wild bc he became Robin through bc of his hyper-fixation when he was 14. His mom died, his dad almost died. Jack Drake went into a coma. He trained for 6 months in Paris. Something about lady shiva? He runs away from home once a week. Something, something Darla, he runs away from home again. He’s in boarding school. His roommate has a drinking problem. His dad has been dating his physical therapist. married his physical therapist. lost the family fortune forcing Tim to drop out of boarding school and move into an apartment downtown and go to public school. He meets Bernard. His dad learns he’s Robin. Tim quits being Robin. Stephanie becomes Robin for a bit? Tim goes back to being Robin. His dad is murdered by captain boomerang. Stephanie died? Jason comes back to life? There’s a school shooting and his public school is closed. He goes to a different high school. Bruce tried to adopt him and he invents a fake uncle. Stephanie is alive. Jason playfully tries to kill him/commit acts of psychological warfare? Damian shows up. He’s no longer Robin. Bruce goes missing in time/dead? Jason tried to kill him again? Red Robin era. He dropped out of high school. Bruce is alive, Tim was right. Oh Tim just realized he’s bisexual and he has to save his crush from the pain cult. They’re boyfriends now. He lives on a boat. He’s 18/19

All the while he was in teen titans and young justice. His best friend died. He did cloning experiments? He watched Santa die?? He traveled the multiverse several times? Stephanie was pregnant at some point? He dated so many girls? His future self is evil and loves to psychologically torment his present day self? He’s gunbatman?????? He was trapped in a 3x3 cell for months and everyone assumed he died and moved on??? His boyfriend is in a cult???

When did you have the time Tim? When?

I know this timeline isn’t 100% accurate but it is the history of at least 3 comic runs told from memory

[robintherobiner]

What would the Wayne Family and the Bat Family post tiktok

Bruce: videos of him buying new outfits with the material girl sound over it because, according to one post, 'his kids said it was funny and he liked seeing them smile'. on his official account though (the wayne enterprises one) his 'social media manager' posts clips from interviews and soundbites.

Batman: does not have a tiktok.

Dick: posts videos of him either doing gymnastics or of him hanging out with his siblings. Most of the time he is throwing up a peace sign and then Tim and Damian are wrestling in the background and he captions it something along the lines of 'brothers drawing blood in Blud!'

Nightwing: posts videos of short self defense tips/poses, regularly collabs with Red Hood. (not that Jason knows this, Dick just sets up a camera and then goes and bothers his brother until he tries to punch him so he can teach people to block)

Barbara: Posts videos talking about accessibility (both whats available and what should be put in place). if one of the wayne's annoy her, she also will post a compilation of them doing something silly like tripping over thin air or being caught using a hairbrush as a microphone)

Oracle: posts clips of people doing non violent crimes (faces blurred out ofc) with the caption "the eye in the sky sees you, dumbass." because why would you try ack a car on a street with three non-hidden cameras

Jason: doesn't post. anymore. does have an account from when he was a teenager where it's just him doing sped up acting videos to sounds. he has tried to log in to take it down but Bruce changed the password. Brucie regularly comments on different videos like "my baby was such a star... rip sweetie 🕊️🕊️🕊️" and its Jason lip-syncing to fucking Justin Bieber or something

Red Hood: posts videos shitting on Batman. the comments were full of people saying "daddy issues" or "i wanna be a dealer just so you can shoot me babygirl" so he turned them off. sometimes someone (tim) turns them back on and Jason gets bombarded with "BRO IS SERVING CUNT"

Cassandra: posts videos of her doing ballet, or of her showing off her strength. Not on purpose though, she thinks its fun to post videos of her teasing her brothers and the comments are like "WHY DID SHE JUST PICK UP DICK GRAYSON WITHOUT EVEN BREAKING A SWEAT WHAT"

Orphan: has a shared account with Batgirl, but she doesn't post on it, just sort of stands in the background as Steph makes funny videos.

Stephanie: enjoys posting videos pretending to be dating both Tim and Cass because she thinks its funny when the internet call her a gold digger and cheater. Bernard (after going public with Tim) occasionally fuels the fire by commenting "lmao get ur bag girl" under a video of her dragging Tim to a resturant

Batgirl: posts videos of her making fun of rogues, and on her shared account with Cass, just joins in on trends but obviously mixing it to fit her (aka: "when Batman lectures you for breaking a criminals leg but your literally just a teenage girl")

Timothy: like Bruce, he has two accounts. One is professional, with him promoting Wayne Enterprises products or whatever. Second one is full of him doing wild shit like skateboarding down the manor stairs or him trying to confuse Bruce with cringey slang. his most popular video though, is of him using the Nepo Baby sound by Fox SZN

Red Robin: posts slideshows of pictures of Gotham. All very aesthetic ones, of good architecture and people laughing together and shit. His bio is "showing you guy why I do what I do." His account is very artsy fartsy but he also was the first batfamily member to get verified

Duke: doesn't post, just likes videos.

Signal: posts videos of him trying to scare the other vigilantes, cuz, yknow, he can go invisible. tell me you wouldn't do that either if you could be invisible. exactly, you can't. He also makes videos about how hard it is to be a teen vigilante.

Damian: videos of his pets doing tricks. also regularly stitches Tim's videos and just deadass insults him. Tim always comments on his stitches with just a singular emoji because he found out it pisses Damian off more when he doesn't have a big reaction

Robin: posts about resources for gothamites. also has a shared account with Superboy (Jon) where they try and sneak up on both Superman and Batman. They have yet to succeed on either one.

[crabrat]

no no but think an au where gotham thinks alfred is batman

cause like gotham has known bruce since he was a kid hiding under tables at galas, they’ve watched him grow up and honestly to gotham he’s decently well adjusted-(they haven’t seen him at Gotham U the kids there know hes friends with harvey dent for fucks say and you can’t be friends with that man without having a bit of crazy in you)

they’re not going to assume that he goes out every night as a dressed as a humanoid bat-no the young lad was much too tired running Wayne Interprize and being depressed

alfred though? everyone knows alfred was in the secret service before Martha and Thomas died. and everyone also knows that they and the butler were practically married considering the way he was talked about in press interviews and through the rare press pictures people got of them

so in his grief the people think it’s very reasonable for the butler to have snapped and taken such a duty as batman up-as repentance as a way of avenging the late wayne’s as a way of protecting bruce

this of course is not official information but the people of gotham have some type of an unsaid agreement

whenever one of bruce wayne’s wards are taken hostage bruce wayne is noticeably absent and batman swoops in to save the day-as to not repeat the events of the part alfred must have made bruce stay put, safe, and gone to save his grandsons

when one brings up the age argument you’re likely to get a condescending look and the irritable response that alfred’s immortal

this is not further explains

it is simply a truth of life in gotham

moving on

people start to realize the amount robins match up with amount of kids brucie has and immediately come to the conclusion alfred has been training them to take care of gotham and make sure bruce is safe. this is a perfectly reasonable and ethical conclusion to most gotham residents the city moves on

when jason todd the second robin dies batman gets much much more aggressive people start sending very fancy cooking supplies and ingredients to wayne manor which could mean nothing

red hood emerges and starts using guns everyone thinks that he’s one of batman’s failed trainees as obviously alfred taught the kids to use guns even though he never uses them this is speculated to because of how the wayne’s died

naturally most anyone outside of gotham thinks they’re all mad but what else is new

alfred is fully aware of these rumors and sometimes likes to feed into it by “absentmindedly” spinning a batterang while looking directly into one of the press cameras at the most recent gala

this doesn’t actually change anything about the story except that it contributes to bernard’s first ever correct conspiracy about bruce being batman, all of bernard’s conspiracy forum friends want to kick him out for this wild even to them claim, tim has to try really hard not to start laughing hysterically

[holy-puckslibrary]

━ 𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐟

˗ˏˋ𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ˎˊ˗

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 —grumpy!erik johnson x sunshine!nanny!reader 𝐰𝐜 — 1.1k 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 — in erik's absence, his nanny takes over staging the family's elf on the shelf in order to keep the magic alive for his children. results are... questionable.

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 — i'm unhealthily attached to this made-up family send help

˗ˏˋ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ˎˊ˗

JOSIE JOHNSON is thoroughly unimpressed by her Elf.

“Snow angels? In sprinkles? Groundbreaking.”

Dissatisfaction narrows her gray-blue eyes as she stands in front of the kitchen island.

Bernard, the Johnson family’s special scout from the North Pole, is lying limp against the marble countertop in a pool of red and green. The sugary spillage is low-effort at best, especially compared to his iPad drive-in movie yesterday and the miniature golf course the day before that.

Dumping a container of cheap sprinkles—and not even the expensive variety with confetti shapes and edible glitter—wasn’t going to cut it.

Someone was going to have to do better.

“Uh-oh! Looks like Bernard had a wild night,” Erik Johnson, her father, announces as he pads in from the dining room.

If he thinks he’s being subtle, he’s doing a terrible job. His daughter can see straight through him; his voice goes all sorts of wonky when he has a secret.

And his dye-stained fingertips aren’t doing him any favors, either.

“Wild for who? A first grader?”

Josie was in second grade now. She is far too smart to fall for his poor acting and, evidently, much too cool to bother with humoring him.

Erik cocks his head to the side. His kid could be snarky, but she typically postponed doling out remarks until the afternoon. Or until he’s had his second helping of caffeine.

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, he thinks to himself.

Aloud, though, he opts for a simple joke. “Well, I think it was wild. Do I look like a first grader to you?”

He sets his coffee mug beside the espresso machine and puffs out his chest like a peacock. Erik’s already 6’4 without trying, so when he raises both hands and lefts onto his tip-toes for emphasis, his head nearly brushes the ceiling. He’s grinning, wide and bright.

He expects his daughter to giggle at his antics like she did when she was younger or, at the very least, crack a reluctant smile out of second-hand embarrassment.

She does neither.

Rather than pearly teeth, Erik’s met with the whites of her eyes. If Josie had rolled them any harder, they'd have gotten stuck facing the wrong way. That’s what her older brother, Reese, told her whenever she did it.

The irony of the repeated red-lettered phrase "Be Nice!" on the white background of her Grinch-themed pajamas isn’t lost on him.

“Josephine Johnson, I thought I made myself clear the last time we talked about this; you do not roll your eyes at me. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s very rude,” he reprimands sternly. “What’s gotten into you?”

Josie crosses her arms, unphased, and fixes him with an unwavering glare. She could do this all day if need be.

“What’d she do this time?” Reese asks through a yawn as he strolls into the kitchen.

You, the family’s live-in nanny, are not far behind. You’re rubbing the sleep from the corners of your tired eyes when Josie darts to your side.

She looks up at you expectantly, eyes wide and pleading. Silently, they beg for you to agree to whatever she’s planning to say next.

“Can you be in charge of it again? Please, please, please?” she asks, so sweetly she might give herself a cavity.

Josie tugs on your arm to drive home her adolescent anguish when you aren’t instantly compliant.

Panic fizzles in your chest. There was no way she knew, right?

She couldn’t. No way. You were still a few years off from the dicey reveal. No one in her grade had spilled the beans yet, and the adults in her life were content to keep up the ruse.

Surely, she meant as the Elf’s supervisor or an assistant.

Wrong.

“Bernard looks so much cooler whenever Dad lets you set up his pranks instead of doing it himself. See? Look how lazy he was this time,” Josie explains while tugging you over to the scene of the crime. “All he did was spill my sprinkles all over the counter and set my Elf on top of the mess. Like, could it get any lamer than that? He’s probably all sticky now, and he’ll have to stay that way because he’d drown in the washing machine!” 

“No, I didn’t,” Erik says a little too quickly, tone noticeably defensive. “Bernard—who is perfectly fine and not sticky at all, for the record—must’ve been way too tired when he got back from visiting Santa last night to do anything else. He didn’t even bother making it hard for you to find him this morning. I’d do something “lame” too if I spent the entire night flying home from far, far away.”

Bernard wasn't the only member of their household who spent the night up in the inky sky; Erik had been in an entirely different country only four hours ago. And, instead of going straight to bed like his body urged him, he spent an hour arranging the stupid little Elf into what he thought was a fun scenario for his daughter to find the following morning.

Now, he wishes he had just left Bernard on the mantle.

He blames you. They wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t introduced her to the concept. Fuck your quirky childhood tradition. All it'd caused were problems.

“I’m not a baby anymore. I know Bernard isn’t actually one of Santa’s elves!” Josie shouts, growing angry.

Reese mumbles something to the effect of “Could’ve fooled me…” under his breath, and Josie’s face pinches with frustration.

Like the miniature teenager she’s rapidly morphing into, the youngest Johnson massages the fold between her eyebrows. Then, her outburst matures into an accusation. “I know you’ve been hiding him this whole time.”

Erik balks at the allegation.

Irritated, she continues, “I’ve been sneaking down to watch you do it since I was, like, five years old. It's not my fault you aren't very observant. Or that your footsteps sound like an elephant’s. But I don’t care about that. I don't care that I know, but I do care how much effort you put into it.”

Josie clutches your hand in hers and smiles. She could get away with murder with the deep dimples indented on either side of her mouth —and she knows it, too.

She also knows flattery can get her wherever she wants. “Which is why I want you to take over again. You did such a good job while he was away. The goldfish in the paper pond was super cute, and you even made sure he was watching my favorite movie at the drive-in!" 

“Fine, you know what? You’re right,” Erik confesses, conceding to his eight-year-old with a toss of his hands. “And if it really matters that much, I’ll never touch the Elf again. Okay? I give up full control and responsibility.”

Josie positively beams. She always got her way eventually.

“So, how did you even figure it out, anyway?” Reese asks.

The question is garbled; he couldn’t wait until his mouth wasn’t full of Lucky Charms to make his inquiry.

“How could I not?” Josie retorts. Her facial expression is equal parts annoyance and ridicule. Reese’s eyes loop. His little sister clarifies with a huff, “Obviously, he isn’t a real elf, Reese. Santa needs all the help he can get to make sure everyone on the Nice List gets exactly what they asked for every year. Why would he send an actual elf, who should be building a bike or sewing a teddy bear, to spy on me for weeks?”

Fair point, you think to yourself.

“Wait a minute... If you knew he wasn’t real the entire time, why did you let us keep hiding him?” Erik asks, a quizzical dent in his forehead. 

Josie perks up, apparently thrilled to clue them in on the motivation behind her feigned ignorance. “Mrs. Thornton says even adults need a creative outlet because it makes them happier. Especially when they’re grouchy. Clearly, you’re the exception, Daddy.”

Reese honks, sending milk across the room from his nostrils.

Your sudden amusement is muffled by your free hand.

If it were humanly possible, there would be steam billowing from Erik’s crimson ears.

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[fragcc]

I need Kon to go through a crisis thinking he’s homophobic because why else would he want to throw up at the sight of Tim and his boyfriend kissing. It goes on so for long until Martha Kent has to sit Kon down and talk it out with him. Then Kon goes through a brand new crisis of being in love with his best friend who has a boyfriend

OMG ANON YES YES YESSSS!!! I want kon to be SO jealous that everyone (including himself) thinks he's homophobic just for him to find out that he's just timberphobic, actually. Okay, hold on, hear me out:

Everyone gradually growing annoyed and offended by Kon's poorly hidden disgust/annoyance whenever he sees Tim with Bernard to the point they take him to a corner and straight up accuse him of being an homophobe and he just p a n i c s

And we all know Kon has only like, two braincells, so he'll be so desperate because it really looks like he's an homophobe deep down but he doesn't want to be because he never would wish harm to Tim or be disgusted by him but whenever he thinks about Tim kissing his boyfriend he feels sick and so damn frustrated

Anyways, Ma Kent will eventually sit down with him to try and understand why he's so repulsed by the idea of homosexuality and he'll also try his best in the conversation because he also wants to know if he can just grow out of it. So Martha will slowly coax the nature of his feelings out of him, asking him if he would be bothered if Tim married Bernard, to which he replies with a hard "no." but his face is clearly contorted in a repulsed scowl by the idea

It all starts making sense when Ma makes a different approach to the subject, asking instead how Kon would feel if Tim was interested in him. What if Tim wanted to share a milkshake with him? What if he wanted to cuddle for movies with him? What if he was in love with Kon-El? Would that also be a problem for him? And then Kon is staring at her with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, heart thundering and cheeks flushing as he replays over and over again the images of Tim and Bernard cuddling and being cute with each other, but replacing Bernard with himself. And suddenly–

Suddenly he finds everything so much more bearable and enjoyable. It's like the whole cosmos aligns itself when he thinks about Tim kissing him instead of Bernard, about him being the one who gets to wrap his arms around Tim's middle and lay kisses on his neck to hear him squeak so adorably. He feels euphoric with the thought, like his heart is about to explode at this new discovery. He looks back at Ma with wilde eyes, like a deer caught in headlights, only to find her looking at him with a small, proud smile full of understanding.

"I think– I–" He gulps down the throat that forms on his throat, feeling his fingers shake with the sudden rush of adrenaline. He looks down at his boots, thinking one last time about the prospect of Tim smiling lovingly at him before he breathes out the rest of his confession. "I think I would be okay with that."

The silence that follows his whispered confession is a welcoming one and he can feel Ma's approving eyes on his skin. And it all feels a little bit crazy, because Kon just realized he isn't really an homophobe. No, he just happens to hate the guy Tim is dating because he wished it was him instead and–

Oh no.

"Shit." He curses, face paling once again. Ma frowns at him, reaching out to touch his hand in reassurance but it does nothing to placate Kon's crumbling heart. "Shit, Ma."

"What is it, Kon?" She asks ever so caringly.

"I might be in love with him, Ma" Kon whispers to her, so ashamed of saying the words out loud. It hurts the elder woman to spot clear tears slowly filling those usually bright, blue eyes. "I might be in love with my best friend who's already taken. I think I ruined everything."

And before his thoughts spiral out of control, Martha has already wrapped him in a warm and placaring embrace, murmuring to him that it's okay. But Kon knows it isn't. Things will never be okay if he can't get his shit together and start feeling happy for Tim's happiness.

Oh boy. You really can't have everything, huh?

[incorrectbatfam]

timbern headcanons?

Tim being a coffee addict is a given, but Bernard is a coffee addict by proxy. He keeps a stash of coffee-flavored chocolates and will stab someone for a tiramisu, but as soon as someone brings him actual coffee he'll act as if he was just given a cup of earthworms

Somewhere, floating in the fringes of the internet, is Bernard's first ever conspiracy that he wrote in middle school, which has been his deepest source of cringe ever since. The theory: Batman is none other than billionaire CEO Bruce Wayne

Bernard's conclusions might sometimes be a stretch, but he's really good at finding evidence in the details. Tim releases him onto crime scenes after hours with some evidence bags and Bernard goes buck wild collecting whatever he sees. He once accidentally solved a murder with a bottle cap

Bern's dorm has a strict "no sneaking vigilantes through your window" rule. The RAs go around making sure the windows are secured during room checks. After the RA leaves, Tim drops from the vent

The first time Bernard visits the Manor, everyone welcomes him and dinner seems to go by smoothly. Later, however, Damian lures him to the family plot and gives him the shovel talk next to a conveniently empty grave

The Gotham City Pride festival committee reached out to Tim and Bernard about joining them, so they come prepared to make a stage appearance or maybe sit on a parade float. Turns out two of the volunteers canceled last minute and they needed help handing out pamphlets

Gargoyles are great, but Tim's favorite secluded high-altitude spot is a billboard in Burnside with a pun that isn't all that funny but Bernard laughs at every single time

Tim's gay awakening was Superboy—at least, it's pretty heavily implied in canon. Bernard's was Impulse

[herbalsingularitea]

Possessive Bernard the elf with a pregnant human!Reader Imagine

—

- After Scott and Carol have their baby it makes Bernard start thinking

- You go on a date after seeing baby Buddy earlier that day and Bernard seems really lost in his thoughts

- With some gentle coaxing you get him to tell you that he’s been thinking about children

- At first you think he just means Buddy and you agree with him that the Claus’s baby is adorable

- He lets it go, just nodding and agreeing with you but you can tell there’s still something on his mind

- Later on during the date you two get into a snowball fight

- He sneak attacks your snow fort and tackles you into the snow where you guys wrestle around trying to shove snow in each others face

- Eventually it devolves into just rolling around making messy snow angels

- Once you get too tired and collapse in the snow, he rolls over top you to give you silly tickly kisses that make you both giggle

- He’s still laughing when “I want to put a baby in you so badly” slips out

- You both freeze and he looks so panicked that he said that out loud but you’re blushing like crazy and ask if he’s serious

- He says he thinks he is and you shyly say you want that too

- He’s never looked so happy in his life and the silly kisses return, slightly more saucy than before

—

- Fast forward to several months later and there’s been random bursts of magic in the workshop

- All the elves start giggling and whispering anytime it happens

- You ask what’s up and Judy explains that uncontrollable magic bursts like that mean that someone’s got an elfling on the way

- Elflings are rare so everyone is super excited for the new baby and are trying everything to figure out who’s pregnant

- You don’t think it could be you since you haven’t had any symptoms and it would be really early if you were

- As time passes and no one comes forward announcing they’re pregnant, everyone is confused

- The magic bursts get stronger and stronger as time goes on

- One day you’re walking through the workshop with Bernard and a whole line of rocking horses explodes in a familiar burst of sparkles

- Every elf freezes as they watch the sparkles settle and then they slowly look over at Bernard and you

- Since Bernard is Head Elf, he’s got the most powerful elf magic in the North Pole and would be the only one capable of doing magic like that

- In one wild display of magic, everyone knows it’s you who’s pregnant

- Judy makes you cocoa to calm you down while you and Bernard try to wrap your heads around becoming parents

- Bernard seems very much in shock and kind of distant with you while Judy, Curtis, and Scott congratulate you both

- You start to worry that he doesn’t want the baby after all because he can hardly look at you

- But all doubts leave you as soon as you get home

- Once the door is closed and you’re alone, he falls to his knees and nuzzles your stomach, giving you so many kisses and refusing to leave your side the rest of the night

- You swear you see him tear up a couple of times when he thinks you aren’t looking

—

- He makes all your favorite foods during your pregnancy and you happily soak up all the extra love and attention he gives you

- He thinks you look so unbelievably beautiful while carrying his child and takes every chance to tell you that

- As you grow, even elves from out of town immediately know your baby is his because his magic is nestled within you now and can be easily recognized by other magical creatures

- Mother Nature takes one look at you and gives you and Bernard a knowing look

- Cupid won’t quit waggling his eyebrows at Bernard

- He rolls his eyes but you know he secretly loves it

- You feel strange sometimes knowing that everyone sees you as his because of this but it makes him so happy

- You start to feel self conscious about how you look. “Ugh. I’m so out of shape and weird looking now.”

- But he’s always so quick to reassure you. “Hard disagree. I love seeing how your body grows to nurture our child. In fact,” he purrs, sidling up to wrap his arms around you, “if you weren’t already pregnant, I’d put another baby in you right now.”

—

- The more time goes on, the more obsessed he gets with touching your belly and talking to the baby

- He never misses saying good morning and good night to his precious little elfling

- He gets more and more possessive of people touching you and will glare and snap at anyone who moves too abruptly around you

- The only one he seems okay with is Carol, which you are so thankful for since she’s the only one who you can talk to about the difficulties of pregnancy

- Bernard gives you lots of belly rubs to soothe the aches and pains and one day while he’s doing that he feels the baby kicking

- He cries

—

- Sometimes when the baby is keeping you awake at night with kicks he’ll roll over and spoon you and put a hand on your belly and push his magic into you and you can feel the baby push their magic back. You don’t know exactly what it is that’s happening but it calms the baby down without fail plus it’s really warm so you always fall back asleep no problem

- On the last leg of your pregnancy, you struggle to fit into a dress you had made for a holiday party months ago

- You’re so mad that you wasted the money and won’t be able to wear it. “God, this is so frustrating!”

- You see him watching in the mirror with a little smirk

- You groan at his look. “Stop smiling. This is all your fault. You’re the one who did this to me in the first place, you jerk”

- His smirk just gets wider. “I sure did.”

- He’s got no shame, that asshole.

—

- Elves are much smaller than humans, so while the pregnancy lasts around 10 months, you only look about 6-7 months pregnant before you give birth

- The actual birth isn’t too hard, but Bernard is so incredibly proud of you

- He keeps going back and forth between kissing you and the baby

- And of course he cries then too

[dc-newbie]

“Tim sitting back and watching the chaos while Bernard comes up with the wildest conspiracy theories” is a great troupe, but consider;

Bernard’s making up wild theories, 20% because he believes them and 362946% for fun, and Tim listens passively until he just so happens to drop in the most randomly wild pieces of information completely out of left field. Like, Bernard will mention that some people in Metropolis don’t even know about the secret parts of the military, when Tim will just say, “Yeah, I was offered a place in a highly specialised squad once. Nearly died. It was wild.”

And at first, Bernard thinks Tim’s just doing it to poke fun at him, but as time goes on, he starts to realise that it’s not sarcasm, which is even worse, because what the everloving fuck does Tim mean by “Secret Villain Internet that sucks you in and drives you insane”? And why does Tim know about it??

Tim casually hints at the existence of the Court of Owls by telling Bernard to not trust the owls in Gotham and Bernard. Does not sleep.

[gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan]

Broken Clocks

Author's note: More of the Soul Mate AU- the Soul Timer AU. This is more about Consequences Part III.

Summary: Efrius Borarnorn The Black Templar Chaplain has spoken with his Crusade on Ancient Terra- and has decided to go on a pilgrimage to find his soul mate.

Warnings: It's warhammer. Let me know if I need to add anything else.

Tagged: @barn-anon, @bleedingichorhearts, @c-u-c-koo-4-40k, @egrets-not-regrets, @kit-williams

Tagged: @sleepyfan-blog, @ms--lobotomy , @thevoidscreams, @i-am-a-dragon34, @gra93fruit-blog

Tagged: @felinisnoctis, @undeaddream

"This is an important pilgrimage that you undertake, brother." The highest-ranking brother- and Marshal of the Tanabrae Crusade says with a pensive expression face.

"It is," Efrius says with a nod of his head, "My Apprentice- he's at the journeyman stage of his training, and I think he's ready to take on a greater role within the Crusade. He's passed many of his trials."

"That he has, brother," Marshal Bernard affirmed. "Very well, we shall speak with the Crusade at dinner- and have a feast in your honor. May your travels take you to Glorious Battle- and may you find what you are seeking, brother."

"Thank you, Marshal Bernard," Efrius says nodding to the older Black Templar.

The Gilding to the other's armor marks him as a Blessed, Chosen Emperor's Champion, a rare being to be found on Ancient Terra, but one that the Tanabrae Crusade takes pride and solace in.

The day comes to a close- and chores are done, his flock is tended to and the recitation of prayers done- and food being eaten with enjoyment.

He gets up and announces his Pilgrimage to find his Soul Mate- his counter is winding down quite fast. It is a pilgrimage that he will take on alone- per the strictures of their Chapter, his brothers are both happy, and sorrowful. Happy- that he's going to go, and sorrowful to have him leave them, for however long it takes for him to find his Soul Mate.

His Apprentice, Finn approaches him after the meal and he smiles at the younger brother- a Primaris Marine, which he hadn't known was something the Mechanicus had come up with- in the M42 or so. A Large lad- with a good, stalwart hearts, and dutiful nature.

"You are ready for this test, my s- younger brother," Efrius says warmly tugging his younger brother in for a hug and resting his forehead on the younger, and taller Son of Dorn's forehead.

"Yes sir," Finn says, "I hope you find one who is worthy of you, brother."

"My thanks," Efrius says with a fond smile at his younger, larger brother.

He is given the blessings and hopes of his brothers- and supplies as he continues on his way- parting from them as he closes his eyes and spins, before setting off the direction that the God Emperor chooses for him.

He glances down at his Soul Timer- and sees that he's gone in the correct direction, his soul timer is spinning down faster than before. He walks in silence- the area of Ancient Terra he's in is lovely.

Slowly, over several hours of silence- save for the sounds of birdsong and nature's noises, he sees the marks of humanity- and of civilization as the area goes from wild lands, to natural, to Urban.

[blog-moved-lol]

Batfam Headcanons/Imagines/Rambles While I Eat

I like to imagine that when Bruce is out with Jason (or any of the kids tbh, I'm just thinking about Jason lol), he turns into my grandpa. In that he starts talking about the most random things from when he was younger.

Or like:

Just tells him random shit, and the most boring stuff he missed while he was dead like what businesses opened and closed. Then out of nowhere he hits him with something like "When I got into a car accident when I was younger-"

Bruce, parked in the grocery store parking lot: "Oh! Wait, look at these." *Reaches into his car's back seat and pulls out two mini propane tanks* "I just got these for 20$ a piece, and guess what? They're refillable. Most propane tanks I've seen aren't like that-" *Goes into a little ramble about mini gas stoves and cooking while the powers out*

Jason: *Awkwardly sitting in the passenger seat nodding along, but tbh he's actually sorta interested in the ramble*

Also, Bruce is totally an apocalypse dad, right? Like he buys ridiculous amounts of canned food and survival guides and tents and fire starters that he'll never use. This also applies to expensive stuff of course, cause he's a rich boi

Alfred: "Master Bruce, why exactly is there a boat in the Batcave?"

Bruce: "..It's the Bat-Boat. I thought it would help on aquatic missions."

*Literally never uses it ever, but refuses to let the kids use it either*

I'm all in for southern accent Bruce and wacky accent Dick, however I also propose:

•Jason who still has a Gotham street accent. Whenever he meets one of the street kids (Especially the older ones that have been out there for a while) and they have that thick street accent, he wants to pinch their cheeks. While some of the 'higher class' Gotham citizens might think of the accents as representing stupidity or filth, Jason adores the accent with his whole heart.

•Damian who mimics people he likes. We know that Damian can very accurately mimic peoples voices, but imagine if he likes being around someone he subconsciously starts to talk in their voice. It's a little creepy to people at first, hearing their voice (which depending on the person he's talking to is like, a deep, gruff, adult man voice lol) come out of this 13-14 year old kid, but you get used to it.

Damian, after talking to Jon for a few minutes: "So I wuz walkin' into tha trainin' room, and thare Tim wuz! Usin' MY katana! Can you believe that horseshit?! Absolutely ridiculus. How dare he! I wuz gonna knock sum semse inta him, but then faather came in and made me stop.."

Jon, a little concerned at Damian's lack of formal words and the way that they suddenly sound so similar, but kinda finding it cute: "Yeah, how dare he.."

(Jon has a southern accent, right? Cause he lives on a farm with Clark?)

Damian's favorite cartoon is the Wild Kratts, and Dick makes him watch Bluey because he feels like it helps Damian get out of the whole 'assassin' mindset and more into the 'child' mindset.

Also Tim never stopped the stalking, he still watches security footage and follows around people he likes. Bernard just got used to him suddenly popping up wherever he went-

Anyway I'm gonna stop rambling now lol

[mochimouiemarty]

more God au stuff?!?

—

pride flag looking ahh

chat I MIGHT HAVE COOKED. yapping + alt versions under the cut

SO!!!! this is supposed to be his mortal(?) version! or what he'd look like outside of his temple/wherever the fuck this dude resides

I like to imagine Bernard's temple would be completely monochrome, and once he steps out of it he's just a living pride flag. there are two reasons for this!

– he doesnt want to overwhelm anyone with his overly bright and ever changing (heh) appearance. esp since he likes to be all tall and gigantic most of the time.

– he just likes being monochromatic

BUT, I also put too much thought into this so yall will have to hear about it too.

– when monochrome, their colorful strands of hair only change values

– I wanted their hair to resemble branches or something (maybe I got lost along the way but ill redraw them again promise 🫶 [ill forget, again]) to symbolize the different branches/paths change can cause.

– their hair CONSTANTLY changes. and it's not even based on emotion, it's just like that. this idea was born from the fact that change happens all the time

– some strands change to a darker color or almost gray sometimes, for yk, the darker changes and such

– assortment of colors for the whole God of Identity and stuff? I think self expression kinda goes hand in hand with identity, so!! also because of the different kinds of changes etc etc

– If this looks messy or muddy That was Actually My Intention TRUST. It was to symbolize how change can be messy and unpredictable 🫶/nsrs

– ^ BUT SRSLY THO, their hair just looks wild half of the time.

– Despite being the god of change, they like and even prefer set routines and predictable behavior. Just like to their og counterpart

– for what mortals usually ask for from them, maybe itd be for something to go well or for guidance on what sort of change they should make in their life or if theyre on the right path, help with self reflection etc etc.

– offerings would include: pretty branches, any food or drink, dances, song, etc etc!

– Fun fact people used to be so confused on what kind of offerings pleased them the most other than food and such. some claimed that their favorites change all the time, or that you should only ever offer one set item or whatever idk. they don't care obv, but they'd especially love things that the person took time to make or gather.

– although their hair is the main thing that changes a lot, subtle shifts in patches of skin, eyelashes, etc are included too.

ANYWAYS. thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. time to forget about this au and let it simmer until one of my friends bring it up again.

[breha]

anne rice, pseudointellectual extraordinaire, managed to squeeze into the tale of the body thief references to: "sailing to byzantium" and "the dolls" by william butler yeats, a tale of two cities, anna karenina, the postman always rings twice, lolita, "the tyger" by william blake, a tree grows in brooklyn, "the thing on the doorstep" by h.p. lovecraft, "eyes of the mummy" by robert bloch, goethe's faust, jeffrey burton russell, mircea eliade, john milton, marcus aurelius, hart crane, george bernard shaw, diogenes, thomas aquinas, jacques maritain, pierre teilhard de chardin, dostoyevsky, albert camus, and john keats. at one point lestat uses the alias "sebastian melmoth," which was a pseudonym used by oscar wilde, itself a reference to melmoth the wanderer by charles maturin. later lestat goes by the last name "wilde." he also references othello and at one point asserts that he is "not time's fool." the alias "sheridan blackwood" might be a reference to sheridan dufferin given rice's interest in art, and i assume she got "alexander stoker" from bram. the movies that appear or are referenced are suspicion (1941), vice versa (1988), all of me (1984), the company of wolves (1984), beauty and the beast (1946), the dead (1987), it's a wonderful life (1946), and body and soul (1947). characters see or reference art by rembrandt (specifically the syndics of the draper's guild), picasso (three separate times), willem de kooning, jasper johns, andy warhol, monet, and edward hopper. there's also a reference to the actor rutger hauer. uhhh i think that's it but holler if you caught one i didn't

[stereax]

whos your favorite player on every team?

Ooh, this is a fun one! Under the cut :) Also not gonna use former Devils, and gonna try to stay away from just naming the most known player on each team... we'll see.

Anaheim Ducks: Lukas Dostal is doing a damn good job tending that net. I'm super excited to see where he goes!

Arizona Coyotes: Of course, our pride king Travis Dermott!

Boston Bruins: Look. I said I was gonna not name the most known players. But you can't expect me not to name a goalie for the Bruins! Impossible! I'm gonna give the edge to Jeremy Swayman.

Buffalo Sabres: Probably Jeff Skinner, honestly. Most cursed man in hockey. Does that make me old?

Calgary Flames: I don't follow the Flames much but I do really like Cody Taylor.

Carolina Hurricanes: Pyotr Kochetkov is, in my opinion, the only Cane with rights.

Chicago Blackhawks: All Star Jason Dickinson just seems like a funny dude. Well, for having to play for Chicago...

Colorado Avalanche: I am forgiving Ross Colton for that really shitty shift against the Devils because he's holding Woody's hand and they're cute. But I'm watching you, mister.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Alexandre Texier. He's French! And played in Switzerland last year! And is suffering!

Dallas Stars: Thomas Harley is carrying half my fantasy teams and he seems like such a fun dude!

Detroit Red Wings: Jake Walman, hitting the griddy, and getting a bobblehead after it.

Edmonton Oilers: I am not immune to Ryan McLeod propaganda. Just look at his smile!

Florida Panthers: Sam Reinhart, the highest-paid Panther, has no goals and one assist in his last six games and his ice time is declining. Where are the Sabres fans who told me how much they would miss him? When I hear of all the positive qualities the team lacked in the past, I think of Reinhart - lol nah that's just the Reino copypasta. Love him!

Los Angeles Kings: Long Distance Girlfriend Kevin Fiala and his hysterical wife!

Minnesota Wild: Mats Zuccarello is very short. This is always fun. Especially because his stick is very long. Also fun.

Montreal Canadiens: Juraj Slafkovsky is not only worryingly homoerotic with every single Slav he meets, he is also trying valiantly to overcome the bust narrative, and he's silly and goofy! What more do you want?

Nashville Predators: Roman Josi. I am not immune to a good-looking Swiss man.

New Jersey Devils: All of them. I'm in a Dougie Hamilton mood right now, though. (Aka, I miss him :'( )

New York Islanders: The Real Sebastian Aho, simply because it's funny there's two of them. Also, this one is prettier.

New York Rangers: There's a fic out there that makes me somewhat like Braden Schneider.

Ottawa Senators: I'm saluting Jacob Bernard-Docker for his services to my fantasy teams.

Philadelphia Flyers: The image of Known USNTDP Member Cam York fielding calls from Zegras on how to take care of his platonic soulmate is truly peak.

Pittsburgh Penguins: The Other Smitty, Reilly Smith. I am predictable. I have a type.

San Jose Sharks: Anthony Duclair! And his many sons on the team.

Seattle Kraken: Kailer Yamamoto. I just like him because he's short, okay? He also seems to have a very fun character, which I admire.

St. Louis Blues: Colton Parayko, for no other reason than it's a very good hockey name.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Brayden Point is another of those players that just eternally carries my fantasy teams.

Toronto Maple Leafs: I think Calle Jarnkrok is eternally underrated. And I'm right.

Vancouver Canucks: Stanley Cup Champion Teddy Blueger. He deserves it.

Vegas Golden Knights: I simply believe that if one does not at least admire Jack Eichel for his dedication to being a bitch and ruining all the narratives, one does not exist to me.

Washington Capitals: They have Dylan Strome from the fics! It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride, everything everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright alright...

Winnipeg Jets: Nino Niederreiter. God, I hope he finds a home some day. I hope it could be Winnipeg.

[j4zz4lop3]

Chandlo has husky energy “u wanna go outside? U wanna go on walkies? I wanna go on walkies plsplsplsplspls”

Wambus has saint bernard energy, big and scary but actually just droopy

Cromdo has the energy of one of those small, scruffy immortal dogs who keep getting almost eaten by bigger creatures eat garbage and get near run over by cars but still somehow survive, and are also insanely evil and out to kill you

Beffica has the energy of a yorkshaire terrier, those that wear litte bows on their head, named “princess” or “lily” or something and they’re the loudest, most temperamental, needy ankle-biting monsters

Filbo has the energy of a french bulldog, stubby little legs, get tired a lot, goofy lil goober who would absolutely die without you, both in the emotional sence and phisisically they wouldn’t be able to survive in the wild

Snorpy and Floofty are both cats, not dogs, but they’re the 2 specific different types of cat, Floofty is the kind of cat that would never let you touch them or else they bite your hand off, knock everything off of counters and pretty much only still living with you for the food. Snorpy is the kind of cat that falls asleep on your keyboard as youre working and you can’t move it because it’s gonna wake up, brings you little leafs as gifts and finds a way to open the door by itself to sleep with you

Lizbert is a border collie, adventurous, stronger than it looks, will beg and whimper for you to play tug with it only to nearly rip your arm off

Gramble has the energy of an old, graying cuddle-loving spaniel and that is not just because his hat reminds me of the long fluffy ears, loves sleeping next to you but will use anything that’s not a chew toy as a chew toy.

Wiggle has the energy of a fox terrier, source: i have one, super high energy, super playful goes insane when it sees a ball, sometimes it gets so excited and runs so fast it just lands head-straight into a wall

Triffy is a mutt that keeps digging holes in the ground looking for bones but instead just ends up digging up the yard and getting all dirty

And finally, shelda has the energy of a cat that was originally an outside cat but became a house at as it got older, brown tabby, loves laying in the sun and being around people, wont stop doing the rubbing on your legs thing

And the journalist is giving chocolate lab, idk why, just yes

[bracketsoffear]

Call of the Wild (Jack London) "The story follows Buck—a mix of St. Bernard and Scotch collie—throughout his journey as a sled dog. Buck’s story begins at the house of Judge Miller in Santa Clara, California. Here, Buck is a beloved domesticated pet, living comfortably. However, after gold is discovered in the Yukon territory of Canada, Buck is stolen by one of Miller’s gardeners as the demand for sled dogs increases. The gardener sells Buck to dog traders and makes a profit, and Buck is soon shipped north, abused and beaten as he goes. Along with a sweet, unassuming dog named Curly, Buck is sold to two government couriers, François and Perrault, who put him to work as a sled dog. Buck is soon overwhelmed by his surroundings, particularly when he sees a group of huskies attack and kill Curly. As Buck is forced to adapt to the wild, his primitive instincts begin to surface. It is during this time that he makes an enemy of the lead sled dog, Spitz. The two fight a number of times, and Buck consistently undermines him in the hopes of diminishing his authority. After a final, decisive battle, Buck kills Spitz and appoints himself as the new lead dog."

The Griesly Wife (John Manifold) "A poem in which an abusive husband chases his new wife through the snow -- until she changes into a beast and turns the tables on him."

[me-myself-and-my-fos]

Also Bernard goes wild when I introduce him to frozen hot chocolate