probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.
we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."
at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.
the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.
the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.
what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.
here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.
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Sobbing uncontrollably reading through a dissertation about the college experience of students with ADHD. It is like reading a report about my life that just says over and over "My experiences are real. My hardships are real. I am not lazy, I am not dumb. My struggles were not my fault, and they were not a moral failing. The failure was with the system, not with me."
Here's a line that got me in particular:
"Hotez et al.(2022) compared the health, academic, and non-academic capacities of a nationally representative sample of U.S. first-year college students with ADHD and without ADHD. Students with ADHD self-reported lower academic aspirations and more feelings of depression and overwhelm, ranking themselves lower in their general emotional health. The fact that students with ADHD scored in the highest 10th percentile for many non-academic traits, such as artistic ability, computer skills, creativity, public speaking, social confidence, self-understanding and understanding of others, compassion, and risk-tasking, suggests that this population has strengths that are frequently underappreciated in academia."
(the paper is a thesis called "Understanding the Collegiate Experience for Students With ADHD" by Gia Long, 2022)
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in case you are in the mood to feel devastated here’s an alternate way of viewing charles’ response to edwin’s confession:
we know that charles kinda puts edwin on a pedestal- yes they are partners but there is a bit of a hierarchy between them. charles just looks up to and admires edwin in so many ways while constantly looking down on and being really hard on himself. he puts on his big happy persona because he thinks that people wouldn’t like him if they actually got to know him.
so when edwin confesses, it’s like a blow to him. he took his charming persona too far and went and tricked the most important person in the world into thinking he was worthy of love. and it’s worse because he does love edwin in that way, which is exactly why he can’t let him know that. charles still believes that he is like his dad, and he saw exactly what his parents’ relationship did to his mother.
he thinks that loving edwin in the way that he wants to would only cause more pain to this boy who has already been through far more than he deserves. so he blinks back his tears, attempts the same charming smile he’s used all these years, and dishes out the gentlest non-rejection in the history of forever
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The baby from mysterious egg (4) [(1/2),(3)]
I love him so much look at him please 🥺🥺
Also, I haven't thought of a name for him yet...maybe Lloyd will call him that. 'Javier junior' or something like that lol
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elphaba has such an intriguing relationship with her magic in the musical. like. imagine having this mysterious power you can't control and you don't understand and obviously nobody is going to help you understand it because everyone completely fucking hates you.
and elphaba wants so badly to control these powers she promises nessa that once they're at shiz things will be different and she won't use them but she doesn't KNOW how to do that. so this is yet another part of her that scares people or makes them angry at her, and it's yet another part of her that she has no control over.
it's fucked that she admires the wizard also. because she thinks the wizard has magic but of course that's a good thing. magic isn't the problem. the problem is her magic. she never even considered a career in sorcery because her magic is more a curse than a gift.
and we know her magic is tied to her emotions and it comes out when she's mad or frightened. can you imagine how many times she must've gotten mad growing up, considering how hard her life was? and how many times her powers manifested without her control? it must've happened a LOT if she had to promise nessa she wouldn't use her magic again. and how many times she stopped herself from getting mad in the first place because she was afraid of what she could do?
also elphaba tells morrible "something just comes over me sometimes. something i can't describe. but i will try to control myself." and then she apologizes to nessa. she apologizes for something she can't control, something she has clearly tried to control before, smothering down a part of her that should be natural, that should be considered a talent.
and a part of me thinks that she grew to resent her magic so thoroughly she carried that resentment even after getting training from morrible. after her lessons and after getting the grimmerie all the magic we see from elphaba is more "controlled" so to speak.
but still think about the scene at the governor's manor, when she purposely enchants nessa's shoes and she says "FINALLY from these powers something good" so even after all that time she still never saw her own powers in a positive light. and i mean. with the wizard and morrible tricking her to fuck up the monkeys of course she thinks like that.
she went from having to hide her powers, to trying to suppress them to make the people around her more comfortable, to being hunted because of her powers. of course she's never going to see that side of herself as something good. the amount of self-loathing she carries is just unreal i don't know how to finish this post but i love her very very much and she needs a hug.
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