#BUT GUESS WHAT YOU CANNOT STOP ME
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The whole "breasts shouldn't be politicized because the primary purpose of breasts is to feed babies!" can be a fine jumping-off point, but I really wish people thought deeper than that when we talk about the ways in which bodies are politicized and restricted.
Like, why's it that when we talk about breasts, they must have some Higher Purpose? It's true that breasts aren't inherently sexual, but they aren't valuable solely because they can potentially feed a baby. A human body doesn't have to serve a Higher Purpose in order for it to not be legislated against or policed, and I just wish people would remember it isn't always about babies, about other people, about anything else other than the people who have that body.
#feminism#dysphoria tw#your body doesn't need to have an Intrinsic Worthwhile Purpose so that you can live without fear#and it is fine if people say this to criticize the way breasts are overly sexualized and fetishized or what have you...#...but i encourage people to not see this as an end-all-be-all argument#because this opens discussions about how we politicize bodies and how we interpret them#i see overlap between this and the way trans bodies are politicized and policed honestly#and i guess personally i'm just so tired of the idea that to be safe your body Must Have A Good Reason To Be#and i fear this may reinforce the idea that we Must Serve Purposes and Be Useful and Used#ask to tag (genuine)#and what would this say for childless people? or people who cannot bear children? if they have breasts are they 'useless bodies'#because i have seen the ways some people's bodies are treated when they do not 'work PROPERLY' and that scares me#it scares me to potentially start treating people with different bodies as Defective and Unworthy and Unproductive#and i don't always trust when people latch onto purpose-driven arguments for human bodies that it stops at that y'know#have seen some discussion amd whatnot so 👍#is it now time to clock put and be a silly goose yet?
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Happy birthday, Keith!
#I love experimenting with Keith's galra features#Lance definitely made him wear the hat and the pin#I keep putting Keith in the same jacket and I can't stop#I accidentally made keith doing the “wait they don't love you like I love you” meme#oopsies#The L on his necklace stands for LOSER actually#POV the birthday boy greeting you at the party his bf definitely forced him to have#Drawing this reminded me why I don't sketch on my phone#voltron#keith voltron#vld keith#keith kogane#klance#vld lance#art#keith art#voltron art#vld art#vld fanart#I can't stop making Keith's hair geometric#Someone please give me ideas for Keith's emo shirts because I cannot keep doing this#I look up “emo shirts” and it's like “leave me alone” in fucking comic sans#Not me queueing this literally 1 day in advance#October is too much#They're too much stuff to do in October#I'm posting my Halloween art and then descending back into terrible burnout for several months m#my Halloween art is a redraw this year#I bet y'all can't guess what the redraw is
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Hello! Random whipper snipper! Share a WIP of your work!
ooh, with pleasure. six the musical araleyn fanart? in the year 2k24? more likely than you think xDD
i realize this looks finished, but technically i'm still deciding whether to add a background or not lol. still, for the sake of sharing a proper WIP, here's a line or two from an araleyn brainworm WIP that i started reworking yesterday (mild tw for religious guilt and period-typical internalized homophobia from aragon's pov):
She remembers sharing her bed with Anne at Henry's behest, remembers the nights of tossing and turning and trying not to think about Anne asleep next to her-- remembers waking up to dark hair spilling across her pillow and the press of blood-warm bosoms against her own, softer than sin, as hot as the Devil, remembers lying still as death, mouthing prayers into the heat of Anne's neck like an act of penance.
#six the musical#six the musical fanart#six the musical araleyn#araleyn#araleyn fanart#i... cannot remember if it's fandom custom to use the full name tags#ah so it appears it is in fact fandom custom#catherine of aragon#catalina de aragon#anne boleyn#today we hazard a fleeting glimpse into the abtruse psyche of the dusty...#what other fandoms do they contain? wouldnt you like to know weather boy#well i mean honestly i don't know either but we'll find out as they rotate thru my conciousness#not trek#yeaaah i'm a spones girl (gender neutral) through and through. The more you know#and before you ask no this is not the og old married couple that went so hard i gained a type in ships forever after#though they are pretty up there in my blorbo rotation cycle#... on some level i may be yelling into the void with this one but no harm in that yeah?#but maybe the six fandom isn't as dead as i've been assuming. who knows? this is my self indulgent blog dammit#ill be self indulgent <33#also i keep forgetting it's pride month xDD my straight irls wish me happy pride and im always like OH Right nice yeah#but i haven't drawn these two in so long!! feels so good stretching the old married sapphics muscle again#dust writes#so happy about the vibe in this one ngl! theyre Soft ok. i like that very much. And also this aragon is so my type LMAO#really rambly tonight whoops. but i guess its the closest to a non-art post i can get to keep my page navigable? mm#...dammit now I'm thinking about araleyn in spones' roles. also i REALLY really should study#in hugely dire straits right now yall except i can't stop drawing/writing. whooooops.#sapphic#pride month#dust talks
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it's so hard to take star wars seriously nowadays because i'll watch someone get skewered by a lightsaber and then somehow walk it off with a bacta patch and a slap on the ass. like you're telling me a weapon that can carve furrows into foot-thick solid durasteel doors, dripping melted slag in its wake, when applied to the flesh of a sentient being leaves behind nothing more than superficial damage. like be so ffr. "it cauterizes the wound instantly" this is not a little cut. this is not minor burns. you were IMPALED BY A BEAM OF PLASMA. your ORGANS have been COOKED. your BLOOD has BOILED. your BONES were INCINERATED. what are you TALKING ABOUTTTTTT
#personal#I CANNOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY#you do not grow up with the OT and the PT watching people get cut down instantly and then just#GESTURES FURIOUSLY AT THE MULTIPLE INSTANCES OF PEOPLE GETTING A LIGHTSABER THROUGH THE GUT#AND JUST WALKING IT OFF!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES RIGHT AFTER THE FACT!!!!!!!!!!!!#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN#WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT#i tried desperately to justify it in the ST movies because rey was established as having like#anakin-levels of force bullshit so why not. i mean anakin couldn't force heal for shit but whatever.#it's not like him having the ability to force heal would've neatly sidestepped the MAIN CONFLICT OF EPISODE 3 OR ANYTHING#STILL MADE MY EYEBROWS RAISE WHEN SHE HEALED KYLO. BUT I TRIED TO LOOK PAST IT. OUT OF GOOD FAITH. MOSTLY DESPERATION.#BUT WHAT! DO! YOU! MEAN!!!!! THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMPALEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY LIGHTSABER!!!!!!!!!!#ON THE REGULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I GUESS QUI GON DYING WAS A FUCKING. SKILL ISSUE????????#????????????????????????#i need to go lie down.#dont talk 2 me about maul coming back in tcw it's an old wound i refuse to examine#''but in legends—'' i put my hand over your mouth so lovingly. No. <3#i love star wars SO MUCH but they need 2 stop impaling people on lightsabers if they dont want them to be dead#LOP OFF A LIMB INSTEAD#okay im done. thank u for letting me yell it's all out of my system now#im back on the ''i love star wars'' train again <33
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the day am fans realise that miles/milex shippers are less problematic and harmful to the fandom than lv/her supporters will be one of the best days of my life
rant incoming because I'm going insane:
i will never ever understand why am fans have so much beef with milex shippers.
i have been in SO many fandoms throughout my life, I've been obsessed with SO many bands whose members are shipped to the point of insanity, and it was never a problem. sure, some people didn't like the ships, but why are so many am fans acting like this is something unique? bts, mcr, dan and phil, harry potter, I've seen fucking everything. every other fandom in the world are just this obsessed with their ships, trying to prove that two men are fucking, posting theories and so on. shipping was always a thing in fandoms and always will be, especially if we're talking about male celebrities and teenage girls.
having said this, the kind of fandom i have never been in is one where grown ass women bring this much toxicity to the community and behave like children. there are hundreds of celebrities whose girlfriends are not liked by the fans, but no girlfriend ever engaged this much with the haters, probably because they realised that it would only make things worse, and the fans would hate them even more.
we could've had some peaceful end of the tour content, but no, we have this instead. every few months something has to be done by a certain someone in order for people to pay attention to her, and so that in the end fans will forget the reason they're fans and engage in stupid shit like this, defeating the whole purpose of being a music fan.
all this drama is slowly making me not want to have anything to do with am or the fandom anymore. if not for miles and him being connected to am, i would've stopped giving a fuck about alex years ago (technically not through his fault, but then also because of him). this whole thing just makes me sad because miles does not deserve to be associated with these people and the fact that he will never be able to get rid of them is so not it.
#look i could talk about this for hours but it makes me so angry it's best to just stop#i saved the spiciest things for the tags#matt used to be my favourite but now i cannot even stand to hear his name#such a disappointment i really thought he was better than this#which also makes me question what the hell alex sees in him#and then again alex is probably not the best person in the world#which i guess we knew ever since the absolutely disgusting behaviour towards taylor and him being friends with ppl like josh homme#and cameron avery#sigh#it's just a shame that his music is really good#(anyone looking to buy some am vinyls? 😂)#oh miles the things i endure for you#i have such a love/hate relationship with alex it's crazy#one second i love him the other i never want to see him again#which then makes me think about how different things would be if he had a different girlfriend#she really ruined absolutely everything#(not) sorry#rant#alex turner#milex#louise verneuil#arctic monkeys
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"Beating so fast, seems like it'll burst..."
#crow's scribbles#d4dj#d4dj groovy mix#shinobu inuyose#esora shimizu#yuka jennifer sasago#i finally drew something in ms paint after.... a while.#please dont mind how rusty they look (especially esora's hands)....#this is a follow up to kyoko's one yes this is what the other 3 look like#try to guess which starish members i took inspiration from for each of them hehe#i loooove these designs....#should i post the concept sketches? tell me if you wanna see them lol#each of them are matching w one member in one way but still different i specifically made sure of that#i based them off what i think their 2 charm points are similar to love live kinda#esora is the cute and lovely one of course; shinobu is the quiet and mysterious one; yuka is the strong and beautiful one#and then kyoko is the charismatic and cool one duh.#i dont have a favorite design but the one im proud of the most is esora! i think i managed to get her vibe while also keeping the idol feel#i wanna make these types of outfits for the other units but i think i gotta think of something their unit can be other than DJ unit#this can be an au in it of itself but for now it's gonna be outfits for them so i dont go crazy#like. photon = actresses/or takarazuka revue actresses? towa and saki are musumeyaku while ibuki and noa are otokoyaku... maybe.#hapiara and rondo can be a band bc of rei and nagisa but hapiara is pop while rondo is hard rock/metal bc duhhhh (but idk w hapiara.....)#you cannot separate merm4id from clubbing so they're p much just the same except saori is a regular DJ in rikamarika's club w dalia--#working as a bartender there. yeahhhhh.... lyrilily are p much just choir girls now bc thats all i can think of atm (maybe they act too???)#abyssmare and unichord...... hrmmmm.... idkkkkkkk. v-tubing related for sure w unichord but abyssmare i have nothing#SO. now i'll stop my rambling here byeeeee enjoy my losers (affectionate) and my thoughts on this byeeeee
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tumblr glitched and spared you all the most heated rant of my entire hoa fandom tenure
#idek what happened i answered the ask & hit post but it completely deleted LOL#I’m not gonna bother to reanswer anon’s ask so I’ll give you the abridged version:#i would not feel the need to post so much about season 3 of hoa if people would stop being such virulent haters#and hold this season to an entirely different standard than the other two#like it genuinely makes no sense#i cannot stress enough that you can like s3 the least#that’s your prerogative#but to be so LOUD and so WRONG#ALL THE TIME???#makes me genuinely mental#SEASON 2 IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE SEASON#but season 3 needs love and so it’s been 11 years of me giving her love#anyway i guess i just gave you a take version of my rant#and @ anon: fuck you LOL leave me alone once and for all#i love having discussions and deep dives tho please do not think I’m @ing anyone on here you guys are chill and smart#and make good points and do great work and i love you#but if you’re a genuine s3 hater please fuck off to someone else’s blog i BEG#AND if you’re the anon who refuses to leave me in peace? i hope your pillow is warm on both sides#tess rambles
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all the robotniks have autism I think. it’s not even a genetic thing half of them are adopted they’re just all autistic
#the adopted ones were created to be fair. gerald and eggman made them autistic i guess#they weren’t doing it on purpose they are Absolutely not diagnosed they just thought that’s how Everyone is.#shadow gets diagnosed and he’s extremely confused bc he just thinks that’s how everyone is#meanwhile metal sonic is self diagnosed but literally just bc she found out sonic is audhd. she's not Wrong though. she’s also audhd#well. as much as a robot with a very different psychology to living things can be audhd. she was literally modelled after a guy with it.#they are the only two robotniks who know what autism is. the rest are Oblivious#i mean like. they’ve probably heard of it they’re nerds through and through#but Gerald and Maria are from the 50s#eggman is at least in his 50s#none of them have an accurate modern understanding of it#sage has a Chance but she’s been alive for like three days give her time#before anyone gets all pissy about Bad Autism Headcanons I’m autistic I’m allowed to headcanon MY favourite evil geniuses as autistic#you cannot stop me I have the power of God and anime on my side
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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if you title this you could post the first few chapters already!!! (for the wip ask game lol)
WIP Ask Game! tw: abuse implied
But Christian isn’t looking at her face. His gaze is currently fixed on Satine’s wrist where—Satine notices as if in slow motion and with a lurch of her stomach—the sleeve of her coat has ridden up and a nasty purple bruise is on full display. Unable to adjust her sleeve with her hands full of coffee cups, Satine rotates her arm but it’s too late; the damage has been done. “Are you alright?” Christian asks, reaching for her arm. His touch is as warm as Satine remembers but she flinches back from it as if it’s scalding hot. “I’m fine.” “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” Christian asks, searching her eyes. “Not at all,” Satine hastens to reassure him, realizing too late that she probably should have taken that excuse when it was offered to her, that flinching away from something that didn't hurt is suspicious while flinching away from something that did is reasonable. “Nothing to worry about,” Satine tries next, “just one of the hazards of live theatre. The show has a lot of lifts and I bruise easily. You’ll see tonight—the dancing is incredible,” Satine says, trying to get him back on topic of opening night.
#yeah i could. in fact. post this if i could decide on a title dksfnjdg#i could post the first 3 chapters In Fact#but i am stuck between titles so have this for now i guess haha#this is one of those multichap fics i love a lot im very excited to share it with you all#idk if anyone else will enjoy it because it's a modern au and satine is still with the duke for a lot of it but i think its a very fun slow#burn and i am having the most fun writing christian earning her trust and the two of them becoming friends before they become anything else#the love is THERE but satine is terrified of being in love and christian wants her safety first and foremost so hes keeping everything#non-platonic to himself until satine is safe and ready to hear a confession like that#yeah i have made a moulin rouge slow burn for the people who fell in love in canon on the night they met. what of it#i can do whatever i want forever and you cannot stop meeeeee!!!!!#also theyre impossibly sweet and soft and i love them sooooo much!!!! i love when christian is careful with satine its one of my favorite#things to ever happen#someone yell at me and you might get the first chapter soon haha#thank you for the ask!!#moulin rouge#my fic
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Love your art and I'm generally curious as to what the appeal of Dante/Vergil is to you? Do you have any hc that you're drawing from or is it just personal preference? I struggle to imagine the right conditions for them to be involved in that way and would like to know what inspires you.
I will premise this by saying, that I’m actually not a MASSIVE fan of just DV for its own sake, if Nero isn’t also included (or like, with the assumption he will, 100%, be included once he’s in the picture). To me it’s kind of a baseline pairing?
As in, I don’t even have to think about it. Of course they’re in love, of course they’re together, of course they’re fucking. It’s almost an afterthought to me, the way the married parent couple of the protagonist in a story inherently are. It doesn’t necessarily interest me by itself, that fact, it’s just a certainty, it just is. I guess, for me, the interest in DV specifically comes more out of what other people make of it, because for me I’m almost always approaching first from the perspective of Nero being there also, haha.
There’s also the fact that I have a lot of hc about just like, the way demons function as a species, I guess. I took a lot of things dmc canon gave me and went like, “alright, time to project this into the most self indulgent, non-human society but humanoid looking species I can think up in my brainhead”. To me a lot of the appeal comes from it being not necessarily a predestined thing as much as like, a biological inevitability - (going to speak in definitives about my own hc from here on, so not making any statement about canon dmc lol) demons mate with their kin, and with whoever deems worthy - and twins from the same litter would inevitably end up being the other’s first partner, their first choice, their other half. In a sense, to me, they’re soulmates - though honestly I prefer to think of it more as two halves of the same soul, following the implications in 3 and the 3 manga that them being twins comes from the spawn of Sparda being too powerful to just be born in one body. That might sound like I’m just saying they’re soulmates in a different way, but not really - to me, if I had to go the soulmate route, Nero would be both of their soulmate - because the two of them make one single soul, and the match to that would be Nero’s.
I kind of just go off of the assumption that they are in love and have been since they were in the womb, you know?
That colors the way I see their every interaction. To me, in their fighting, their squabbles and their feuds, there’s always love at the source. Familial, yes, but romantic and sexual as well - and to me, when I think about them, it’s all one and the same. To love each other like family is to be intwined, is to be mated, is to be a pack and is to be one.
That’s the more deep thoughts I have about it, I have more shallow/surface thoughts (and specifically ship dynamic thoughts about like, what appeals to me about them sexually lol) but if I had to quickly sum it up that’s what I would say, I think.
#Sorry if this is a bit jumbled/all over the place lol#I actually never really stopped to think about it besides just liking it i guess#Like to me things like dante’s lines to vergil read as flirting the fights read as full of tension#every time I see them fighting I could very easily picture them just stopping mid stab to make out yknow#I guess it also comes down to how much you personally like conflict in a ship#or how much rivalry/fighting reads as charged or tension to you#Plus again the whole demon thing#And in a way also ig I just really like thinking of demon twins as a mating pair#I like them hybrid the best but in that context I do like to hc vergil as super fertile and Dante as near infertile#and them navigating this nature in a sense of like. It’s not what they want out of life.#It’s not what they naturally gravitate towards nor what they would choose if it were up to them.#But its nature and its playing cruel tricks on them#and ig in a way to me that’s a feeling I like to project as a trans allegory#I don’t often veer to making characters trans in a realistic human way bc it hits a bit too close to home#And rather I prefer adding a lot of things that are exactly like being trans but not in a human way#And I think that’s that to me yknow?#Nature + instinct imposing something on you that you have to actively struggle against for the rest of your life#And compensating and making yourself be perceived as who you feel yourself to be despite of it#Yes this is still all about weird demon pseudo omegaverse bullshit no I cannot physically hold myself back from getting into it#asks#vague mpreg allegory/mention#thank you for the question! lots of food for thought lol#spardacest
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It's absolutely deranged to me that we live in a world with a mainstream release f/f Lucy Westenra novel with THAT cover... and it's not Lucy/Mina.
#look i will probably read lucy undying if only to have an educated opinion#but. um. everything tells me this is going to be a trashfire.#and it's a 2EDGY4U retelling where mina is part of a plot to defraud lucy of her fortune??#well GUESS WHAT kiersten white i think they should fuck nasty about it.#you cannot stop me from shipping lucy/mina in any way that matters.
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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god the ants make it so fucking hard to be tolerant. im really, really trying to be better about it and chill out
but they really love to fucking test that
#toy txt post#WHY ARE YOU IN MY BEDROOM. WHY ARE YOU NEXT TO MY BED. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU#THERE HAVE GOT TO BE EASIER PLACES TO GET FOOD#I WISH I COULD TALK TO YOU SO I COULD AT LEAST LET YOU BULLY ME INTO GIVING YOU OFFERINGS OF LIKE COOKIES IN RETURN#FOR STAYING OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM#and i really dont appreciate when my family tries to like weaponize the phobia against me to like shame me for not throwing out an empty#muffin box with crumbs in it as if that somehow attacts ants more than a box full of muffins that they will haphazardly place right in the#fucking Ant Territory as if theyre trying to offer them up. stop keeping unsealed food over there#not that it matters like the ants arent actually fucking stoppable#AUGH. THERES A FUCKING NOTHER ONE. CAN I /HELP YOU/#i should just give up. fuck it. bite me in my fucking sleep i guess. whats the point. stupid fucks cannot be reasoned with#or stopped or swayed or deterred. eat all my food. eat me. make me so itchy. fuck you.#live in the fucking water reservoir of the keurig and become part of my coffee you stupid fuck
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#@ me please just do the one task you have left to do today so you can enjoy your evening#and stop being afeared#anyway I love directing a choir but I hate being in charge of the admin I am so bad at it#if only I could beam into everyone's minds when to meet for practice#but I can't so um girlie if you don't tell anyone there's going to be practice tomorrow evening its not going to happen#I guess I am worried that if I announce it there's going to be a secret reason why it cannot be so#and then I will look like even more of a disaster#with the track record we've had it doesn't feel that unrealistic is the problem#I keep being gone every weekend and the past few practices I have been able to hold have been miserably attended#due to conflicts that were a surprise to me#because no one can communicate around here I guess#my other simple task of printing music today already went awry#when the girl misunderstood me at the ups store and printed wayyyy too many copies#shoulda been a karen but I was too scared so I just said thanks and paid THIRTY DOLLARS and took my huge stack of paper and left#aasdfghjkllkjhghjkjh that's not what I asked for!!!!!! but I'm just eating that extra twenty I guess#last time we met we didn't even sing bc there was like 4 people and we just made a schedule for the rest of the year#decided evening practice might be better#but only those four people are currently aware of that plan#and I have procrastinated trying to get the word out because I'm Scared for some reason#like it's literally not that serious but yikes yikes yikes#what I need is like. an assistant with good organizational skills#I can do the music. I can run the practices. I can even bring snacks#but for some reason I just cannot get it together
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