#BUCKLE THE FUCK UP

[tiredmamaissy]

a teeny glimpse at the type of angst we face ahead:

[themonotonysyndrome]

“So. A wolf this time.” 

“You are insufferable!” 

Alexis hisses only to helplessly moan, her nails - beautiful black acrylic claws littered with tiny diamonds - dig deep into the silk pillow when William licks a wet stripe between her legs. That pillow and the bedsheet certainly won’t survive come morning. 

Speaking of come - 

“What number are we in right now? Four?” William muses, pleasant as if he’s talking about the weather and not how wet his mouth and chin are. He’s on a roll tonight. For once his hellion of a ‘daughter’ allowed him to whisk her away to her favourite restaurant the moment she returned to Dahlia with a trail of murder and one fledgling House reduced to rubbled. Porter was quite adamant that his report was to be on top of today’s mountain paperwork on William’s desk. Alexis adorned many unkind words like the jewelleries she so adore and William is well familiar with her brand of appetite for petty destruction, vindictiveness and sex. Each follow after one another. Hence, why she’s now in his bed in nothing but glittering nails and high heels. 

“Up yours, old man.” Even when she sneers, Alexis Getty (again and again, she rebuffs his surname but never the privileges and power that come with it. What a silly girl.) is devastatingly beautiful. The kind that brings ruin to any poor fools that stumbled into her bed. Samuel, unfortunately, learned it the hard way.

(TBC)

[pwhl-mybeloved]

[themegachessatron]

A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (featuring some followers): Dragonsreach Dungeon

This is the start of what I hope to be a full series of posts where I explore and evaluate the prison facilities in every major hold capital of Skyrim and share my experiences with them. Where else to start than the ever iconic Whiterun and it's maybe a bit less iconic Dragonsreach Dungeons?

The cell provided for the LDB in Whiterun is modest yet at the same time surprisingly expansive. Decorations include an animal pelt bed (which seems oddly lavish for a prisoner but then again I suppose Whiterun is a wealthy trade hub), a sheving unit to put all the possessions you don't have on you and a hatch which leads directly into a passage of tunnels beneath the dungeons. A hatch which just so happens to have an incredibly weak lock (so they can afford warm bedding but not decent locks? Seems fishy to me). Before I could venture to open these locks however I was faced with an issue.

I have no idea how he got in here. I suppose given his experience with prison facilities from Riften it's not entirely surprising Inigo would know his way around a prison cell. Perhaps he utilised special moon powers to get in? Maybe he silently picked open the front door when none of the guardsmen were looking? Or had he sent Mr. Dragonfly to open the cell door from the other side? I think it most likely that Khajiit simply has skills my feeble, smooth Redguard brain cannot comprehend.

With Inigo's help I picked the lock on the hatch and slipped silently into the tunnel network beneath my cell. While inside these tunnels I kept having the same thought: Why are these here? What purpose is there to have a tunnel system beneath every cell in the dungeon? Are prisoners expected to release their excreta down the hatches? I wouldn't think so given the lack of staining on the floors at the very least.

In fact, the whole system seems remarkably well maintained. With the exception of a single skeever carcass, there was very little clutter or cobwebs or anything of the sort. The rather tidy state of the tunnel passageways leads me to conclude that it must be cleaned at least somewhat regularly, but by who? The guards? What do they use the tunnels for? I can't think of any reason the guards benefit from having this tunnel system in place. All it serves to do is give prisoners an easy way out of their cells and access to the prisoner belongings chest (which mercifully is at least locked with an expert quality lock). The tunnels in fact culminate in a ladder which leads directly into the guards barracks (again, why?). I did, however, have one additional thing in these tunnels that requires discussion.

...I'm beginning to think they don't like me being arrested. Inigo breaking into a prison I can understand but what in the name of Diagna is Sofia doing here? How the hell did she slip past the guards? The most slapdash, crude woman I've ever seen successfully managed to slip into these tunnels without alerting any of the more than a dozen guards regularly occupying either the dungon floors or the guard barracks next door. I believe this says a lot about the quality of the guardsmanship of Whiterun's "finest". Olava the Feeble would be more alert than those incompetent oafs.

Climbing up the ladder into the Guard Barracks leaves us in a side room containing a few barrels that happens to be within sprinting distance of the door out into the open city. Not only is the close proximity to the exit incredibly stupid, it leaves the guards residing in the barracks no time to feasibly register the prisoner's presence, adopt a battle position, blockade the door out and draw their weaponry. Before they can swallow their sweet roll the prisoner has darted out and is loose on the streets once again, a feat which becomes all the easier when you realise most prisoners won't be weighed down with body armour or big weapons and can this maneuverer much faster than any of the guards in the area. This is of course assuming the prisoner is an idiot who did not pre-plan for their arrest. A smart prisoner can very easily deposit their powerful equipment inside one of the barrels in the back room prior to their arrest which (thanks to the absence of a lock on the barrels) leaves them free to take back their rightful belongings and before you know it Whiterun's finest are jumped by a crazed Redguard lunatic weilding a Honed Ancient Nord Greatsword of Soul Snares and swinging it wildly like they're in the middle of a warzone. This represents a drastic oversight in the design of the prison system in Whiterun that urgently needs adressing.

In conclusion, Dragonsreach Dungeon left quite a sour taste in my mouth. I had expected a quality stronghold to effectively hold and punish criminals but what I instead saw was bizzare investment directions, a whole underground tunnel system designed for no-one's benefit other than the prisoners, a poorly laid out guard barracks and a team of guardsmen and guardswomen so foolhearty, indolent and frankly inadequate that they were unable to detect the presence of a loudmouth, brash, drunken nord woman wearing heavy plated armour and making a whitty joke every twelve seconds. For one of the most vital holds in the country and a Centrepoint for all of Skyrim, this is beyond a letdown.

Final rating: 2 honed ancient nord greatswords of soul snares out of 10 honed ancient nord greatswords of soul snares.

Thank you for reading and (hopefully enjoying), this little review of mine. Please do consider joining me next time when I investigate the swamp water shithole that is Morthal and see if it fares any better.

[gigabyte-flare]

Not me actually considering writing for Midas from fucking Fortnite

[letsgethaunted]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Let's Get Haunted (@letsgethaunted)

START YOUR ENGINES, HAUNTIES, AND BUCKLE TF UP BECAUSE WE’RE READY TO KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF WITH SPOOKY SEASON 2024!!!!! In addition to this lineup, we’ll have a full calendar over on Patreon AND a Halloween vlog coming to YouTube…who’s ready???

[crazy56u]

Spoilers, the tags might be relevant here...

Fellas, is it normal to casually admit you have mentally worked out how a certain issue of a certain comic could've ended differently had the writers involved wanted to kill off a certain character?

Is it normal to just shoot that off on a Tumblr post on a Sunday afternoon?

So yeah, I'm yet a-fucking-gain talking about IDW #53, and, full disclosure, I may have started fiddling with writing this out.

So, yeah, let's pretend, as a hypothetical, Evan Stanley decided to go fucking wild, and use the fight against Surge as an excuse to kill off Whisper, how the fuck would that work?

Well, the major change is the easiest: Sonic and Tails show up late.

With the benefit of hindsight, it is practically a literal fucking miracle that, even though Sonic and Tails' house got fucked up during the badnik riot going into Issue #50, the computer managed to avoid getting broke.

Now, granted, by the time Jewel contacted Tails, this had happened-

But, hey, Sonic and Tails still managed to speed over to Central City in time to stop Surge from finishing the job, right?

So, let's assume the computer also needed to get fixed, and they didn't get that call from Jewel when they did.

So, Surge just kills Whisper then and there, right? Post over?

No.

Like I said, I have had dark thoughts, and the way this plays out in my head, that would've been ideal:

After getting distracted by her Starline hallucination, Surge remembers "Oh, right, I was about to kill Whisper," and turns her attention back to her; she hadn't yet gotten up, same as in the comic.

In a panic, Cyan tries in vain to protect Whisper, gets absorbed for his trouble. So, literally, it's just the two of them left.

But before deciding to land the blow, Surge decides "You know what, it's not like you're gonna need it after today," and decides as one final stab to take her mask, and wear it.

You know? The thing that can translate Wisps?

So, what do you think would happen if Surge put that on?

If your answer was "sensory overload in the form of five voices screaming at the same time", then yes, that is what would happen...

So, yeah, naturally, hearing all that screaming freaks out Surge, she unknowingly fries Whisper's mask as a result, and after managing to calm down from that, she get really fucking mad, and decides "You know what, fuck being cute," and decides to... well...

Do what she almost did to Sonic three issues later:

She pins her down to the ground, and starts trying to electrocute her to death; it would probably be around here when Sonic and Tails finally show up.

Regardless of how the rest of the confrontation with Surge plays out, the most important thing would be "Holy fuck, Whisper needs to go to the hospital now," and Sonic speeds her over to the nearest one, and she is swiftly put into a hospital bed; she is most likely gonna need heart surgery, but her heart rate needs to settle down first before they can do anything.

So, that's where we currently are: Whisper is in a hospital bed, unconscious and clinging to life, while Surge is dealt with in the background. What happens next?

Enter the other player in this fucked up game.

It is my personal belief that Mimic 100% was nearby in Central City when Whisper and Surge were fighting, and was quietly waiting for Surge to be done so he could finish the job; it's only when Sonic and Tails showed up when they did that he abandoned those plans.

So, in this timeline, that's not what happens.

While Whisper is recovering in the hospital, a nurse quietly enters her room, with the pretense of checking on her.

In reality, this is Mimic, deciding to take advantage of Whisper's already weakened heart.

He fucks with her IV drip, slips out of her room, and by the time he's sneaking out of the hospital, the medical staff are scrambling to try and save their newest patient, who is in the middle of flatlining, but their efforts will ultimately be in vein.

Surge's attack would already caused bare minimum congestive heart failure. Mimic inducing a heart attack would be the nail in the coffin.

And so, to summarize: How would Issue #53 (and technically 54) need to be rewritten if it was decided to kill off Whisper?

Smash Tails' computer beforehand.

[mariahxcherry]

"BONK"

[grandgayblowjobtourney]

WELCOME TO THE GRAND TOURNEY

This started when I (OP, gay, trans, dumb) got real sick over the weekend, and asked tumblr at large which of these specifically selected video game men would give the best head, gay style. Benny from New Vegas is currently slamming the other contestants into the ground so I figured I'd conduct a PROPER, SCIENTIFIC STUDY as to WHICH OF THESE VIDEO GAME BOYS GIVES THE BEST FICTIONAL GAY HEAD, IN THEORY.

The goal is to determine who might give the BEST gay head; not who, alas, may be the prettiest, sluttiest, or who can get it the most;

About half the contest will be seeded with men I personally think can give super good blowies on a dime. I know YOU might not think Andreas Mahler from Pentiment can hum you like a harmonica but baby, I do, so buckle the fuck up

This is not a bracketed tournament, merely, a horrible way for me to ask important blowjob questions when i'm stoned. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT RESEARCH, as we discussed before.

anyway MAY THE BEST MAN GO DOWN (PUN INTENDED) IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE TOPS (PUN INTENDED ALSO)

[emojackolantern]

"i'm just gonna have one strip of fabric over a single cheek" not what i wanted but i'm not complaining

i just realized that dnp going to america during halloween again means they'll be in proximity to spirit halloween which means we might get an actual phil lester slutty halloween costume,,, or god forbid a COUPLES slutty halloween costume,,,,,,,, somebody fucking sedate me.

[crawford-w7]

just you people wait until the gamecube power cable i ordered gets here youre not FUCKING ready you're about to witness the greatest mario golf player the world has ever known

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

[blackflash9]

Even when Republicans win, they’re still spiteful, threatening violence, harassing women, stirring up conflict, and acting like sore winners—still the same losers at heart.

[knifeforkspooncup]

Oh damn you know it's gonna be good when they pull out the mood board

Hello, I am new to writing fics so maybe you’ll give a read and let me know what you think :) I’m really excited to be working on the next chapter and get some more depth breathed into this work. Thank you to anyone who plans or has read!! I have a moodboard and playlist for this fic as well I hope to also make some art soon!

[tommykinardbuckley]

EVAN BUCKLEY | he thinks they should all quit.

[nyaskitten]

Oh okay, so Doc and Kevin want me dead huh!