#BPD is not new to me because i did think and was kinda diagnosed with it for a couple months once before

[klara-rosa]

On wednesday I had my first therapy session in 3 weeks and it was such an emotional one that I really struggled to hold back tears (and I know it's normal to cry in therapy but in all my years of going I have only cried twice in therapy and one of those times was my LAST session with my previous therapist when I felt like the world's gonna end because AGAIN I lost someone important to me)

Anyway so I tried to be as honest and open as possible and it was so nice to just have someone acknowledge that you feel like shit, like my therapist said she thought about everything going on recently and she saw that I'm really struggling and that my level of mental/emotional pain is high

We talked about all kinds of things and she also said that she would like me to see a psychologist to have a diagnostic evaluation to see what's really going on diagnose wise because she thinks I might have PTSD and when I told her that I already did such an evaluation once fore BPD she became all ears and told me she thinks I might have BPD and she gave me a book to read up on it

So all of a sudden I might have 2 more mental illnesses 👍 but I'm actually pretty chill about it...like, okay. Just please help me get answers. Tell me what to do to become better. PLEASEEEE

[borderline-culture-is]

Hi, this is a long ask. I am not diagnosed with anything, but Ive been thinking that I might have bpd. I started self harming at 9 yo, and was given ssri and antipsychotics to treat the symptoms, because i was too young to be diagnosed. Three years ago I moved countries, and I was so stressed that I literally ragequit talking all my medications, because I couldn’t sustain importing it from my country. Follow two horrible years of withdrawal, where I kept having derealization episodes, panic attacks, delusions followed by crying spells that lasted for hours, inability to maintain any relationships at all, I was incredibly angry and abusive to my mother, all that fun stuff. For the first year I refused to get any therapy because I thought they didn’t care about me and didn't want to settle for that, and the second year I was so crushed that if a fucking rock would listen (metaphorically), I would break down to it. Still not getting much support atm because being underage in an unfamiliar system makes it really hard to know what to do.

I only shook out of this state in the beginning of this school year, when my teacher called the cops on me for self-harming. I started working on regulating my emotions, meditating, and just accepting that I am the weird one for feeling this way and learning not to blame or burden other people. I also started noticing that my whole live ive only had FPs, and not a lot of genuine close relationships (I feel like I depend on them for my satisfaction, always feel betrayed for not being closer, but also feeling hesitant to even call them a friend). Before I kinda just assumed that everyone felt the same way, and that I was pathetic for feeling dependent and lonely. I also noticed that I have horrible episodic memory loss, I have to exclusively rely on other people or recorded evidence to shape any perception of my past.

I think, to an extent, my other traits have cancelled out some of my symptoms: I never lashed out or argued with my classmates because I was too scared that they would leave me, so instead I forced myself to act in the most mild way possible; I do have black and white thinking towards new people, but I make myself ignore it because I understand that it is my fault and I am being unreasonable; I never acted impulsively because I was too depressed or too scared to be proactive in any way at all.

My biggest issue with self-diagnosing is that I have never had any traumatic experiences. I come from a caring family, and, although I still blame my mom for feeling unfulfilled and neglected, there isn’t anything my parents really did wrong. She did as much as she could and I feel guilty for resenting her. I don’t remember any of my childhood, but it is completely reasonable to assume that nothing ever happened that would count as traumatic.

My point is, I have already either developed some coping mechanisms, or have come to accept that I will always feel misunderstood and unhappy. Even if I do have some kind of a disorder, I am unsure whether I should even try to get diagnosed in the first place. If I do, this would mean that my whole life is thrown out of the window with a diagnosis like that on my medical chart. It would negatively impact my human rights, my employability, my independence, all those things I really can’t afford to compromise, being an immigrant and trans. But at the same time, I just really want to find out what the hell is wrong with me, to feel understood and to have some support on how to live a normal life.

Yeah I guess the main purpose of this ask is to vent to someone who understands, and to ask for your opinion and advice on whether you think I have a disorder and if I should attempt to get it diagnosed.

--☀️🎣anon

okay. even if you dont think you have any trauma, theres still a lot of factors that could contribute to it. i think its also worth mentioning that you said you cant really remember your childhood, so it does leave some room for trauma that you either may not remember or just might not see as traumatic. and i also think that feeling neglected as a kid could do some damage, even if its unintentional. sometimes parents hurt their kids without realizing, and it doesnt invalidate the way that you feel about it!!

as for diagnosis, i think its okay for you to self-diagnose, as there are a lot of difficulties and struggles that comes with being diagnosed. i think it really depends on whether or not you personally see it as worth all of the potential trouble that it can bring. i do think that your symptoms are valid, and i can see a lot of hem as lining up with BPD. if you're really doubting, i dont think downloading a copy of the DSM-5 would be a bad idea, since it's what professionals usually reference from anyway.

regardless of whether or not you choose to get diagnosed, you and your struggles are valid!!! as someone who has also experienced BPD symptoms since we were young, we definitely feel for you. if you definitely think you are borderline, then i believe you are valid as long as you dont mean any harm, and i am pretty sure that you dont :]. we genuninely wish for the best for you, and we hope that your situation and overall well-being gets better soon 🫶 (/p)

- oliver

[credit-song]

It’s 2 am and I have work tomorrow but my stupid manic brain refuses to let this go and I don’t have anywhere else to put this because I spend 30 minutes typing out a YouTube comment and then the page reloaded and it was gone but I can’t let it go so here I am on tumblr instead.

The TLDR is: I think I have autism, but I probably don’t but three of my four siblings have been diagnosed with autism and I’ve been diagnosed with pretty much everything but autism and it would make way more sense if I have have bipolar disorder and autism but maybe I only want to have autism because of how my mom gave my autistic siblings special treatment.

So yeah, kinda a long TLDR but whatever. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, OCD, AHDH, Dyslexia, BPD, and got a “you might have STPD” once but wasn’t fully assessed for that. I have four siblings, three of which have been diagnosed with autism. To make things easier, I will call them:

A, the oldest, who has autism

B, the third oldest (I’m second oldest), who has autism

C, the second youngest who supposedly doesn’t have any mental disorders but also has never been assessed for anything

And D, the youngest, who had autism.

Growing up, A and I were close in age, so we were always paired together. My mom figured out pretty early on that A was autistic. We called it “Asperger’s” back then, but we call it autism now, so that’s how I’ll be referring to it. I was always considered the “normal one” in my family. When I was a young child (like, before C and D were born) my two siblings were very clearly autistic, so my mom would literally call me “the normal one.” Like this isn’t me being dramatic, I was literally the Normal One.

My mom infantilized the shit out of A and B (especially A). And since A and I were always doing things together, we were compared a lot. I was “good at making friends” and talking to people “came easily” to me. Whereas it was difficult to A. So my mom told me that I had to be sure to make friends for the both of us. Because it was easy for me and difficult for A. The thing was: it wasn’t fucking easy for me!!! I don’t know how this developed because it all happened when I was so young. But as far back as I can remember, my mom would always talk about how I was the extrovert and good at making friends and had to make friends for both me and A and I would sit there and be like “yes, I love talking to people, it’s so easy” and be lying through my teeth. I found it so difficult to talk to people. I was always saying the wrong thing and people thought I was weird. But I knew I had to be social because A couldn’t so I had to do it for both of us.

I did eventually make some friends, and I was so determined to be that social butterfly and not be the weird kid. Cause the thing was, I was the “normal one” in my family, but other people didn’t see that. I was still weird to everyone else. But I never noticed because my mom said that I was just mimicking what A did and that’s why people thought I acted strange. It wasn’t because I had autism, it was because I was copying A (which, typing that out makes me want to scream because mimicking behaviors is literally a symptom of autism).

Anyways, I had finally made some friends, but then they all decided that I was annoying and cried about everything and talked too much so they stopped being friends with A and I. Only one of those friends stuck by us and to this day I have yet to become friends with someone new and connect with them at the level I was friends with the friend that stuck with us. That friendship also fell apart because I was gay as hell for her but we were in a very homophobic environment so I just repressed it until she got a boyfriend and everything fell apart.

But at this point in time, I was still the “normal one.” I was still the one who was great at making friends (despite sucking at making friends) and great at talking to people (despite people thinking I was weird). I had this obsession with eye contact because my mom would talk about how A couldn’t maintain eye contact with people and how important it was for me to do that. But instead of avoiding eye contact, I would just stare at people when they spoke to me. I wouldn’t even be paying attention that what they were saying, I was too focused on making sure that I was maintaining eye contact. I also had a lot of interests that people found weird but I was obsessed with them. I used to go on lore dumps for hours before I eventually figured out that people didn’t like that and became the ultimate people pleaser who never talked about anything I liked for fear that I wouldn’t be able to shut up when I got started.

Then I moved out of my mom’s house and started college. I was pretty surprised to find out that most people thought I was weird. I failed miserably at making friends. Well, making friends was fine, keeping those friends was impossible. I would much rather stay in my room and spend time on my hobbies than go out and socialize. My poor roommate tried so hard to be my friend, but whenever she’d try to talk to me, I’d just be like “why are we talking? I want to go work on my story, but I guess I’ll be polite.” She must have invited me out fifteen times before I realized that “we should go bar hopping sometime!” meant “let’s make a plan to go bar hopping together.”

I desperately wanted to fit in and connect with my peers, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were all getting something that I was fundamentally missing out on. I would come home from class and just scream and cry in my car until I felt good enough to go inside. And then my poor roommate would try to engage in conversation and I’d want to scream but kept a cool face until I could shut down the conversation and get back to my computer.

The only people I really had any sort of relationship with were men who wanted to date me. I was pretty naive, so I was like “oh, I don’t want to date, but we can be friends!” and then we’d be friends but they’d still want to date and would always be like “man, I wish we were dating” but I really didn’t want to date and really wanted a friend so I’d just be like “haha, but we’re not!” They’d always be like “you’re not like other girls” and I’d be thinking “yeah! I’m trying to figure out why!” They very much treated me like a manic pixie dream girl but I wanted them to like me so I went along with it.

I remember once in class, well actually while I was waiting for class to start, I was talking to one of my “guy friends” and I opened up my computer to see that one of my favorite YouTubers had uploaded. I remember feeling this almost painful amount of joy. I didn’t even notice I was flapping my hands until my guy friend goes “are you autistic or something?” in such a disgusted tone that I stopped immediately. I told him about how I grew up with a lot of autistic siblings so that’s why I seem autistic but I’m not. Another time, I was at a party (the one party I went to at college and only when I was a senior), I was talking to a guy and he said that I had “really weird and dramatic facial expressions.” For some reason that sent me into a spiral because “weird facial expressions” is an autistic thing and I can’t have autism because A has autism and I’m The Normal One.

I know I’m making myself seem autistic, but I am actually pretty good at reading social cues! At least, I know that when I do something inappropriate because of people’s reactions. I thought I was good at reading facial expressions until I got to thinking about it and realized that I just don’t know when people change expressions. I will stare at someone’s face to maintain eye contact, but I have no clue why expression they’re making because I’m not paying attention. I think I’d be good at reading expressions in theory but I don’t know because I just don’t pay attention to expressions.

Anyways, I had big meltdown at college and got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I moved back home and got to know my younger siblings (C and D) better as they were only 10-11 when I left for college and were now 14-15. D had recently been diagnosed with autism and mental disorders is one of her special interests. I’m also obsessed with mental disorders, so we bonded a lot over that. And I learned way more about autism from her.

Okay, now it’s almost 3 am so I’m gonna try to sum up the rest quickly. I had serious mental health issues after coming home, so I ended up getting all the above diagnosis from various doctors and therapists. But I never felt like they were right? I guess? I definitely have manic episodes so I definitely have Bipolar disorder, but it’s like, okay so when I’m making a drink at work and I have to do it the “correct way” and if I miss a step I have to start over and that’s my OCD, and then when I can’t focus to conversations or forget details that’s my ADHD and when I have meltdowns over nothing and get super overwhelmed and can’t talk, that’s my BPD or my bipolar disorder, and it’s just exhausting to juggle around all these labels to explain everything. I was watching someone talk about when you get a bunch of diagnosis like that it probably means you actually just have one disorder that people are misdiagnosing as other disorders. But I could never figure out that One True Diagnosis. Because I definitely have bipolar disorder, but also something else is going on.

My therapist has suggested that perhaps I like to collect these diagnosises because my mom gave special treatment to my siblings with autism and thus I grew up thinking that a diagnosis meant getting love from my mother. But my mom doesn’t give me special treatment for my bipolar disorder or OCD or ADHD or Dsylexia so I’m subconsciously trying to get new disorders to find the one that will make her love me. I’m paraphrasing here, but the theory definitely holds up. But I also feel like if I had been an only child, I would be convinced I had autism by this age. Because I relate so much to autism content and I do show a lot of signs of autism. But it’s so mild compared to my autistic siblings so I don’t know if I actually have it.

I did get assessed for it once. It was a few months back. I was talking to someone online and mentioned having ADHD and three siblings with autism. They were basically like “hey, girlie, hate to break it to you, but if you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and three of your siblings have autism, chances are, you do too.” It was the first time anyone had just plainly suggested that I might have autism (in a non-disgusted manner) and it definitely sent me spiraling. I was taking those “am I autistic” quizzes and reading the DSM-5 and everything. Even though the quizzes said that I might have autism, I wasn’t really convinced. But I thought it wouldn’t hurt to get assessed.

So I did, and the psychiatrist met with me and was like “why do you want to be assessed” and I was like “well, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD but also three of my four siblings have autism, so…” and she gave me some questionnaires to take home. One for me and three for “friends and family.” But the questionnaires were clearly meant for parents of young children and not adults and their “friends and family.” Also my only friends are my family, and I’ve always been the “normal one” (although C is really now the “normal one” since I’m so bipolar). So the whole thing was a disaster. I was also horribly depressed at the time, so I’m the next few times I saw that psychiatrist, we mostly talked about that. She didn’t give me any sort of test?? But I guess the interview and the questionnaires were the test. In the end she was like “well, one things for sure, you definitely have bipolar disorder, okay bye” so I guess she determined that I didn’t have autism. So yeah, guess I don’t have it.

I don’t know. I guess maybe I want to have autism because of my mom? But also me having autism would explain so much. I wouldn’t have to juggle around so many labels. I’d just be a person who has bipolar disorder and autism. I weirdly think that my bipolar disorder is so, you know, disorder-y that when doctors look at how my life is disordered, all they see is the mania and the depression. But do I bite my wrist when I get stressed and flap my hands when I get excited because of bipolar disorder? Do I shut down when someone in my schedule changes because of bipolar disorder? Do I unintentionally piss people off all the ticking time because of bipolar disorder. Okay, maybe yes to the last one, but I feel like everyone looks at me and is like “that person is weird” and I wish I could be like “yeah, I have autism, I don’t care if you think I’m weird.” But I guess I don’t have autism. Cause the psychiatrist just said Bipolar. I don’t know.

[breaking-binary-system]

This is something people need to realize more.

In order to get diagnosed, a lot of the time they need to at the very minimum highly suspect they have a disorder if not self diagnose. I have PTSD and PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder). I had to highly suspect I had PTSD to be diagnosed and explain the paranoia I dealt with on a daily basis to get PPD diagnosed.

It's one thing to say delulu if you hallucinate, that's understandable because sometimes we shorten things we're diagnosed with or is a symptom simply because it makes it less scary. But you sure as hell won't see me go "I'm so delulu that boy doesn't like me but I swear he does!" thats called a crush and before a single person comments that doesn't happen, you haven't spent anytime with people who say delulu for fun.

I can't say how many times I've turned on the news and there's a case about someone dying and the first response is "I wonder what psychopath did that". A, psychopathy and sociopathy are no longer diagnoses, it's called Antisocial Personality Disorder and just because someone has ASPD doesn't make them evil, a lot are extremely kind

I had a really good friend who was schizophrenic, they would defend ANYONE who hallucinated and wouldn't hesitate to verbally tear someone to shreds over making fun of their disorder. Hallucinations isn't something you want or find fun, it's terrifying

One thing to joke acoustic and restarting (the last one is kinda iffy) if your autistic. Sometimes it can give them a reason to try and laugh on days the disorder can make them feel like hell.

Intrusive thoughts aren't "oh let me go dye my hair" or "oh well chop chop there goes my bangs!" I can't personally speak on it but have been told it's horrifying what the brain can bring out and can make them feel like horrible people

OCD isn't wanting things just neat. OCD (example here) is not being able to enter a room until you've turned that door knob exactly 7 times. OCD is being unable to leave a bathroom without washing your hands 2 times. OCD isn't just neatness

BPD/ASPD/Bipolar Disorder are all three (along with NPD) the most commonly "abused" disorders. You hear someone was neglected? Oops their parents must've been narcissists. Someone doesn't have the same reaction to something as someone else? They must have ASPD otherwise they would've reacted. Someone's emotions flipped like a dime on you? They must be bipolar or borderline! Those four are the ones everyone says are automatically abusive. Narc abuse isn't a thing. Borderline abuse isn't a thing. Bipolar abuse isn't a thing. ASPD abuse isn't a thing. If someone's abusive it's not because of their disorder, it's because their abusive.

I have paranoia and occasional hallucinations. If someone says "I'm in your walls" I have to go leave the house after taking anxiety medicine because I'm petrified that what if they ARE? Unreality isn't a hard thing to tag, you go and click Add tags and then type it in

Are some narcissists abusive? Sure, just as some people with literally ANY disorder can be abusive. But just because someone thinks their better doesn't make them a narcissist. Might make them an asshole but not narcissistic. NPD has been found in some cases to be linked to childhood trauma. Hell even if it's not a trauma response it's called don't shame people for what they can't control

I have several disorders, mentally and physically. Do I have some mental disorders I highly suspect or have self-diagnosed so that, oh yeah, I feel comfortable bringing it up to a professional? Yes. Because you can fit every symptom (or even just a majority! Just having one symptom doesn't make the disorder) and not be able to see a professional.

If you want me to stop supporting self diagnose (after researching it and thinking on it critically for some time) then stop using disorders as the cool quirky trend. Your not bipolar just because you were mad then happy.

Well aware I'll face backlash from this. If I somehow misrepresented a disorder and you have it, please correct me because I'm not a professional, I am going off of personal experiences and from people I know and love and have these disorders. Or things you find within, oh yeah, spending 5 seconds talking to someone with it

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with narcissism.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are

[chasing-rabbits]

I had a meeting with a psychiatrist on Thursday. Basically it was a full review of my diagnoses so at my old CMHT they hadn’t specified my diagnoses aside from my EUPD one as borderline type. Which at a previous phone appointment I was told was an issue and I should really be re assessed otherwise they can’t treat me effectively. I was happy with this because it is always good to know what I specifically have and actually the psychiatrist was really good. I liked him because he was thorough, knowledgable, didn’t appear to have any outdated views on borderline PD and in general I had faith in his handling of everything. He did make me smile when he said it seems you’ve been told a lot of nonsense in the past and when I explained I was discharged solely on anti depressants he just made a face like because that’s the biggest no no for Bipolar patients. In fact his words were giving Bipolar patients anti depressants is like giving sugar to a diabetic. You cannot put a patient with Bipolar on anti depressants and no other medication at all. It did help confirm my Bipolar diagnosis was accurate though because of course I had a manic episode that lasted longer than usual probably because yeah it was induced by my medication at the time. I always assumed I had Bipolar type 2 just from conversations with my original psychiatrist and the old one I had before moving CMHT’s. But it turns out I have Bipolar type 1, they did confirm that yes I have EUPD borderline type aka borderline personality disorder. They also cleared up my generic ‘anxiety disorder unspecified’ they said I have panic disorder and maybe GAD but they aren’t 100% on that at the moment. They also said I meet all the criteria for Complex PTSD which is something my therapist had brought up with me in the beginning session or two. It’s not really unsurprising if you’re a professional who believes BPD is a reaction to trauma and has looked at more recent studies and such showing that I think its something like 2/3 of patients w/ a bpd dx report childhood neglect/abuse. He agreed there’s not really medication for BPD and therapy is the recommended treatment he did agree EMDR could be very beneficial not only for my CPTSD but the BPD which is what my therapist said too. He did mention we could look at DBT as well but then he said something else about me receiving therapy already so idk I don’t remember entirely it was a 2 hour or so appointment but basically the gist was you’ve got a good therapist so might as well stick with that. He also confirmed something I confronted my old psychiatrist about which is interesting and also concerning with regards to my manic episodes but we’ll see. He’s upped my Lamotrogine to help with the depression because despite my prior appointment with a diff psych at this new place he did not agree it’s purely down to life factors right now and clearly the Lamotrigine isn’t doing its job he also said something about he likes to give x doses not I think he said R&R I’m not sure he used an acronym but I think he was basically suggesting my dose wasn’t therapeutically enough in the treatment of Bipolar and he couldn’t fathom why I’d ever been put on anti depressants whilst on such a low dose of it and no wonder I’d been getting what my Dr’s had said was ‘breakthrough mania’ irony as well that my anti depressants are specifically stated to have caused mania like symptoms in those with no bipolar diagnosis or history so like fuck me also confirms some other things I was concerned about and right to be concerned about when talking to my old psychiatrist. Which also kinda pisses me off knowing all my concerns were right and just brushed off. I am however pleased to get answers and more help more accurate and informed help too. Sadly this new CMHT doesn’t allow us to see the same psychiatrists every week they don’t schedule appointments so I just get assigned whose available but he said he’ll see if he can get me scheduled w/ him for my check up in 4-6 weeks time to see how the increased dose is going.

[usaigi]

Lunar System in Therapy

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

A/N: Just a bunch of snippets

The first thing they notice is the wretched smell-that of old fish and cheese, filling their nostrils and leaving an acidic taste in their mouth. Then they feel their head, switch felt heavier than lead, hanging over a bucket. They try to push it away-not realizing that the bin is the only thing keeping their head up-before fully collapsing onto the ground. 

“Why are we on the floor? Who was it?” they mumble, in an unfamiliar accent. 

“Birdy. We did trauma work,” they hear their therapist say. Still struggling to focus their vision, fighting off the splitting headache forming on the horizon. 

“Ugh, did she vomit?” A redundant question, as if the bitter taste in their mouth didn’t answer that. “At least she got it out.”

---

“Daniela, you do know that most people don’t have a secret agenda and aren’t trying to manipulate you?”

“Yeah, ok,” Daniela says with a scoff. 

---

“-and then Gatarina made big body at me as if I were Marc. We left her alone for three weeks and she forgot all about me–”

“Jake, why don’t we talk about your trip to see your father?”

“No. Anyways, then Gatarina–”

---

“Marc, let's go back to that. Do you still think you’re undeserving of love?”

“Or we could not,” Marc grumbles. 

---

“Jake got me a new game, it’s called Fire Emblem and you can play as this like mercenary turned professor and you can pick like a group of students to be on your team. I picked the yellow ones because the guy was funny but look at this girl. Her name is Lythesia and she’s my favorite. She even kinda looks like me in the inner world, we have the same hair. Her whole thing is that she had a bunch of older siblings until they all got kidnaped for some blood experiment. All of her siblings died except for her so now she has two crescents and is extra powerful. But, because of the experiments, her lifespan is shortened. So since she knows she going to die young, she’s super motivated to make the most of it to save her family and country,” Birdy rambles, showing Carol a picture of the character on her phone. 

“Do you think you like her because you also see yourself as an experiment and you feel like you have to serve your system in order to have meaning?”

“You don’t need to psychoanalysis everything I say, I just think she’s cute…” Birdy pouts, sinking back into the couch. 

---

“Got a tattoo today; it's the moon. Layla has a tattoo of an ocean wave so it's push and pull,” Marc says, showing Carol the simple crescent moon on his wrist. 

“Cute. Did you consult everyone in the system first?” Carol just had to remind him that it’s not his body, didn’t she? “Marc?” 

“Yes, it was a group decision,” he groans, crossing his arms. 

---

“I may have had a small freak out this past week. Layla’s friend was in town and Layla was going to meet up with her for drinks. I dunno I guess I just assumed that I was also invited so she started leaving without me… I might have overreacted. Some part of me was so sure that she was sick of me and hated me and that's why she didn't want me to come. I didn’t even recognize myself…” Steven says, avoiding Carol’s eyes, choosing to stare at his hands instead. 

“Fear of abandonment is common with those with BPD–”

“What? I don’t have BPD, what are you talking about?” He interrupts, shaking his head. 

“The PowerPoint Birdy made said that you were diagnosed with BPD when the body was sixteen,” she says. 

“Yeah but that’s because we were misdiagnosed, they didn’t realize we were a system. You don’t think–” He stops himself, feeling his heart sink in realization. “Oh.” Is all he says, trying to catch up to all his thoughts. “But if anyone has BPD, it’s probably just Marc.” He’s the one with extreme jealousy and abandonment issues. “And Daniela.” The one who can go from zero to a hundred in a blink of an eye. “And maybe Birdy. Oh.” Fuck.

“Alters can have different presentation BPD. Even if you individually don’t have all the symptoms to meet a full diagnosis, there may still be some passive influence from the others. We can come back to this at another session. For now, why don’t we talk about how you felt when you thought Layla was leaving you? Does that sound alright?”

“Yeah, all right…”

---

“Birdy told me that you haven’t wanted to play with her recently. Can you tell me about that?” Carol asks Kid, passing him the box of coloring pencils.

“Well I would invite her to play with us but Birdy doesn’t like to get dirty. She wouldn’t have fun,” he tells her.

“Us?”

“Yeah! Me and my friend!” He says, continuing on his drawing, what appears to be two boys. 

“What friend?”

“He’s a secret.” Kid says quietly, as he picked up the brown colored pencil to draw curly hair on of the boys and straight hair on the other. 

[nctadoll]

          Aight, so, it’s time for one of these posts.  I make these posts occasionally on my other blogs, so if you follow a few of my other blogs, then you might be rereading a bit— However, quite a bit has happened since my last post regarding this subject. I make these posts as, updates / warnings I suppose, as I feel they’re warranted whenever a new blog of mine gets any kind of traction.

         Intense trigger heavy content below the cut.

      For those not in the know, I’m J. I went by ‘Jake’ for a number of years, but about a year ago I decided to shorten it, it was just simpler that way. I’m currently 21 years old, and I’ve been writing on this platform since I was 13. Which is kinda crazy looking back on it, amazing how time flies like that. 

     Within the last... Five or so years, something started happening to me, something that I wasn’t really familiar with on a self basis, but I gotta go further back to properly provide context. Starting in 2011, making me 11 at the time, my family moved from our first house, this brought along MANY challenges as a move typically does— However, shortly after the move, my father lost his job. This, did a lot to him, severely damaging his mental stability. This continued until 2016?? ( My memory of exactly when is foggy ) When he was kicked from the residence over physical domestic abuse issues. He lived away for a year, and then he returned. Then, almost a year later, it happened again, ending with him hospitalized and kicked out once again ( this took place on my 18th birthday lmao ), where he remains gone till this day. Though, given the state of the things happening, that might be changing in the coming weeks.

      He was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which, is an extremely heavy mental disorder to have. And a few months ago, I was diagnosed with the exact same disorder. Up until the age of about 16 / 17 I never had massive issues with mental health, I was happy and never really felt any downtime. That changed, as mood swings became common, and I found myself combative and easy to anger, which was something that was never the case before. My family just excused it as puberty as they do. 

       For those unaware, BPD causes... Multiple horrid things. Such as fear of abandonment, unclear / shifting self image, impulsive and self destructive behavior, explosive anger, intense paranoia and suicidal tendencies. I can safely say, I see and deal with all of this. Now, this has manifested in multiple ways online, many in ways that harm my friends. What’ll happen, is I’ll grow so intensely paranoid of little things, that things will build and build until I have an Event where I cut myself from friends and delete blogs or accounts. Then, a few hours later, or in intense cases DAYS later, I’ll come down from this hell high, and remember the shit I did, or sometimes I’ll even have no recollection of the things I’ve done- Leading to piecing together why some friends disappeared or why they won’t speak to me.

        One of the most damaging things, can be the warped perception of everything around you. All of this, has wildly damaged my social abilities over the years— And that’s perhaps one of the most difficult parts, what was simple for me years ago, is suddenly a lot more difficult. It’s led to an intense social anxiety and it leads to you just, wildly fearing how you’ll fuck up the good things you have going for you. Regardless of if you want to or not. It’s so, unbelievably damaging and corruptive. It’s caused me to become this, horrid thing in the eyes of old friends, and I can’t apologize enough. It spawned this, desire to fight and feel a rush of conflict, hence the impulsive behavior.

        It’s something in this weird window, it isn’t me, but at the same time it technically is. I’ve lived my life so desperately trying to never bother anyone around me, the stress of the idea of bothering someone often keeps me from doing anything at all. Which is why this is such a problem. Over the last few months, I’ve been put on medication, and it’s really been helping me, more so than I had anticipated... My impulsive moments aren’t really happening anymore, and while I have down moments, they don’t lead to shitty behavior anymore. 

         I bring these kinda things up, because in the off chance I’m WRONG about how helpful the medication is, or something gets fucked up with it— I want people to know ahead of time.. It’s a lot to ask my friends to put up with it, and I’m not saying they have to— BPD is a lot, and I don’t blame anyone that would rather avoid it, it’s intense. I also know a bunch of people that, won’t speak to me over issues like this, I guess I kinda hope that one day they’ll at least be able to see this and understand. I don’t need forgiveness, because at the end of the day, I did the things I did, blocking and isolating, I did it— I don’t know if I deserve it, but I at the very least wanna be understood. I think, for those unaware, it creates this, weird idea of what I am, like I’m purposefully trying to do them wrong, and that can’t be further from the case.

        If you’ve read all of this, I greatly appreciate it. It puts a lot of ease on my mind. This is also open for discussion or conversation, should you wish to know more or anything, I’m completely open to talk.

[sunsetsover]

Hi I come bearing the gift of a clip about Ben's psych report bc I saw your comment on minimitchells ask! Watch from 1:00 or so.

Context for the clip: Ben is being questioned by police after he confesses to killing Heather. The female detective, Marsden, thinks he's lying for attention because a few months earlier she had attempted to manipulate/encourage him into framing Phil for the murder of Stella. Ben had been harassing Phil with news articles etc about his last crimes as revenge for being a shit parent after he rejected him being gay etc (not dissimilar to 2019 Ben wanting to fleece him tbh). When it came out that Ben was lying about Phil killing Stella, he had to go to a psychiatrist as part of the police report I believe, so the things Marsden is quoting are from that. Marsden is basically taunting Ben with his psych report because she thinks he's lying about killing Heather and is angry because her attempt to use him to get to Phil failed and got her in trouble at work.

https://youtu.be/aQ0sZt3Y_ig

omg gift received what an angel thank you so much for coming to me w this !!! i really appreciate it !!

first of all that female officer was an absolute piece of shit like by the sounds of SHE tried to manipulate HIM, a minor, bc she had a grudge against phil and now she's mad bc it didn't work ?? ur really beefing w a child like this ??? ok

but it's really interesting watching stuff from pre-max's ben as an adult/when i'm actually paying attention but it's also incredibly sad. you just realize that ben was a kid who was let down by basically every single adult in his life, and he was (and still is) constantly paying the price for everyone elses fuck ups. he was just trying to cope and navigate through a world that was basically constantly spitting in his face. he had no adult to love and support him properly and nowhere to go that he felt safe. no wonder he came out of that fucked up.

he's like what, 15 in that clip?? so it would have been too early to diagnose bpd but for me symptoms had def started presenting themselves by then. i mean you could see his abandonment issues from space even back then so i don't really need to explain that lmao and don't get me wrong i'm not a doctor at all but the bit abt how he continually seeks out his dads attention either through pleasing or antagonising could be the 'intense and unstable personal relationships'/splitting starting to show itself and/or 'frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment' - basically him fluctuating between 'if i'm good maybe my dad will love me and he won't leave like my mum did' and 'if i'm bad maybe my dad will realize he can't afford to leave me on my own so he'll stay', u know? but i also can see how that could be read as a kid doing everything he can for his dad's attention, which happens in a lot of kids, but at the same time imo he's kind of too old at that point. most kids are starting to develop their sense of self outside of their parents by that point but to me it kind of reads like the fear of abandonment is so strong and who he is/was as a kid (gay, sensitive, loved dancing and musicals etc) was so suppressed that he didn't really develop as a person outside of being his father's son, purely bc he didn't want to lose the only parent he had left u know? which again goes back to doing whatever you feel necessary so you don't get abandoned, which is like thee core of bpd.

the bit abt him being unable to differentiate between real events and fantasies is a bit different than i thought. at first i thought it could be the 'transient stress induced paranoia/dissociation' symptom but idk. i mean it still could be but like i said i'm not a doctor and this is not a symptom i'm particularly familiar with anyway, plus like i said he would be too young to be diagnosed w bpd anyway so idk all the logistics of that kinda stuff but idk it could just be a kid who's so fucked and angry at the world that he imagined acting out and sometimes almost tricked himself into believing he did these things but like there are a lot of nuance in bpd and there could easily be an overlap between mental illnesses !!! idk !!!

there's also smth to be said abt him being incredibly impressionable (??) when it comes to other ppls opinions of him which still exists today and it's almost like... a self fulfilling prophecy but also could play into the whole 'unstable sense of self' thing.... like a 'everyone's saying im manipulative and selfish and evil and i don't really know who i am internally so i must be all those things' u know....

idk the bottom line is ben has had documented issues since he was literally a child and seeing as though they have literally never been addressed ofc they're still there and it's very sad and sadly realistic and also that marsden was a cunt tbh but thank you for sending me this i really appreciate it 💞💞💞

[zoryany]

Starry Gets Personal

hello, friends and followers! this blog is primarily for fandom, writing, and the odd miscellaneous sort of post, and I don’t get super personal here very often, but recent events have spurred me to open up about a couple aspects of my mental health, specifically my experiences as someone who has been diagnosed with both Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar II.

I will go into a bit more detail, below the cut, because this is very personal and I know not everybody wants to read a big long post about mental health, but my tl;dr version is basically that... my mental illnesses have caused me to do and say some pretty awful shit. they’ve caused me to make some decisions that I absolutely regret. and these things that I’ve said and done have had very real and very harmful consequences for myself and others. but I am a person who is capable of growth. of recognizing when I might be slipping up. and sometimes things go sour anyways. but I do not wish to be defined by my mental illness. nobody should be.

now, if you wish to keep scrolling, by all means, I hope your day is wonderful. if you’re interested in some more details, click on... potential cw for discussion of self-harm, suicidality, abuse and substance use (all fairly mild, no explicit details)

now, I’m not interested in publicly airing dirty laundry. there are certain boundaries I will not cross in the telling of this tale. I have permission to share things about myself, but I have no interest in smearing anyone else, so details will be omitted or altered where possible, and vague when not.

I’ve had some difficulties with friendships before. some have been because of petty, young girl “pal” bullying, some because we’ve just fallen out of touch, and some because there’s a perception that I’ve somehow changed. it can take me some time to open up and be more vulnerable with people. while I try to be open, I’m much more likely to offer up a shoulder to cry on than to ask for one myself. then, as I get more comfortable with people, I will ask for a bit more support. and often, all I really need is a bit of reassurance, a sign that there is care, and I’m pretty good at self-soothing from there. I can have incredibly violent mood swings, at times, but they die down fairly easily, as is common in borderline. in addition, I have never self-harmed. I have never been actively suicidal, beyond the odd time of “wow, not existing right now would be really rad, wouldn’t it?” I am incredibly lucky, in this regard, because the statistics regarding borderline, bipolar, self-harm, hospitalization and suicide are incredibly grim. but that is not me, and because I am taking medication and regularly seeing my therapist, I am actively making sure it will never be me.

in addition to BPD and bipolar, I have ADHD. these things combined mean rejection and abandonment sting real bad. to the point of a straight up meltdown / tantrum bad. and I am willing to call some of my episodes meltdowns or tantrums. this is not true for all people with these conditions, but for me, that’s kinda what it feels like. these intense feelings just need to flare up and burn themselves out for a bit and then I’m usually fine within a few minutes, hours or, in the most extreme cases, days. these emotional episodes are not always related to abandonment or rejection, but they can be, and they can lead to some pretty nasty things. I can dissociate. I can enter a state where I genuinely don’t recognize what I’m saying. and I like to compare them to fire that has been inadvertently fueled far more than expected. the fire cannot help that it flares. it cannot help that it lashed out and was stronger than anyone meant it to be. that does not heal the burns it caused, though.

earlier this year, I had a pretty... rough falling out with a friend. for the duration of our friendship, both my borderline and bipolar were undiagnosed. I had received a depression diagnosis before and borderline was suspected at a couple of points, but neither diagnosis was confirmed or treated until after the friendship ended. while I was able to make do when things were generally good, the lack of a diagnosis or treatment for either borderline or bipolar made things extremely difficult when things got bad. 

the two of us were online friends for nearly two years, and we had gotten really close. spoke every day, hung out most nights, shared a lot of very personal things with one another. it felt really good to have that kind of connection with someone. because it felt so good in these early stages, and because I was undiagnosed at the time, the friendship developed into one that didn’t really have clear boundaries. 

it is important in a relationship with a person who has BPD to establish boundaries. I have been determined to be much more careful about these boundaries since receiving my diagnosis, because I cannot place that responsibility solely on the other person in any sort of relationship. I have also seen the consequences of carrying forth with a relationship that does not have boundaries, and I do not wish to subject myself or anyone else to that level of pain.

now, again, I will not go into a great level of detail, but I would like to discuss the last week or so of this friendship.

I began to feel that this friend was pulling away from me. I also just so happened to be PMSing, which can amplify symptoms of my mental illnesses. this friend wished to take a bit of a break. I have never had a friend who has actively asked for a break before. it felt like confirmation that they were pulling away. I did not react well. I cannot recall all of the details. I dissociated through a lot of it. but I do remember that I said some horrendous things both over text chat and voice call. things that were manipulative. things that were abusive. I lashed out, I hurt, sought to make my pain felt, was angry... 

these things really hurt this former friend. so much so that they did end up leading to them calling it quits. they no longer felt safe in the relationship. that led to even more lashing out on my end, even more hurt, and it was all around unpleasant, to put it mildly. there is a very real pain that can spring up with BPD, and it doesn’t always isolate itself to the person who has the disorder. 

I have not spoken to this friend since we called it quits. one week later, to the day, I saw a psychiatrist and received my diagnoses: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar II, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am taking medication. I am seeing a therapist. I have grown as a person since this experience and gained new tools to handle extreme emotional situations.

there are still times when impulsivity will flare up and I’ll spend more money than I should on things I don’t need or over-indulge in substances at a gathering. there are still times when my emotions get the best of me. I still occasionally fall into hypomanic episodes and become someone who may not quite be myself. these are things that have placed strain on me, my family and my friends. but I am working on them. continually. 

I do not think that people with mental illness, disorders or disabilities should be exempt from critique of their actions. I know that my actions have consequences, and I have seen them multiple times. what I refuse to believe, however, is that I am a fundamentally terrible, awful, abusive person because of these actions. coming to terms with my diagnoses and my symptoms has been a journey, and while I do regret a lot of things I have done or said over the years and wish I could change countless outcomes, all I can do is to continue to press forward and strive to be the best me I can be.

thank you for making it this far. I hope that if any of this resonated with you, whether you share a diagnosis with me or have other similar experiences, then you may feel some level of reassurance. and I hope you all understand me just a little bit better. all love to you!

Starry

[sadboyayeron]

THE ONLY VALID MORIYAMA Nikoshi Doe

I came up with this Idea of Kevin having to raise Rikos son who’s name I decide would be Nikoshi Doe aka Niko

Enjoy

So If you Read “Tapping on my Chamber door” 

You know Nikoshi’s mother, Naima Dixon was born in Jamaica but came to the states at a young age after her mom past away.  She lived in the Bronx with her Aunt. She had tight curls aften in box breads or corn cornrows and dark skin with light brown eyes. She was 5’8.  Had a muscular build from all the years of track and had a scholarship to run at Eager Allen University. She was soon to have a spot on the olympic team for long jump, 100, 200 and 400 meters. She was then pregnant with Nikoshi after her and Riko started there little hook up.  The knew of each other but they first met in class.  She noticed Riko looking at her.

“Like what you see.”  I was trying to catch him off guard but he didn’t even look surprise.  But then he smiled.  Something sharp that left me feeling tingly, similar to how I feel before racing.  

“Not to bad, no.”  He chuckled, looked me up and down before he landed back on my eyes, “Want to sit.”

He left me in a trance and I took a seat next to him and sat my books in front of me.  I tucked some braids behind my ear and looked at him again, he was looking back with a smug smile on his face.  

At first I was thinking Nikoshi was Rikos frozen sperm and his mother was forced by Rikos uncle to have him BUT I decide that Riko died before he knew about Naima being pregnant She found out she was pregnant and went to Riko’s uncle for help and he said to give him the kid and she could get her scholarship Back.  So she agreed naming him “Nico” but sadly she died while giving birth from bleeding out. Tesuji doesn’t use that name and changes it to ‘Nikoshi’ stripping him of any last name (Doe) putting the kid into the system in the same place she grow up in Bronx. Ichirou is informed of Nikoshi ten years later after having his Uncle killed. Who then informs kevin.

Nikoshi is from the Bronx has a accent when he speaks. He knows Spanish because of the amount of Dominican and Puerto Rican foster parents he’s had.  Kinda understands broken english two because one of his foster brothers was from Jamaica which is cool because he knows he’s half Jamaican and some type of asian. He wears beat up high top jordan 1s baggy ripped jeans and long sleeves with a baggy jacket. He plays soccer because the system put him on a team and he’s very fast. He didn’t have much clothes but his best ones are the uniforms and he’s fine with that. He also plays street basketball and baseball with some kids in the area.

Kevin has to take Nikoshi in, according to Ichirou. Bringing Neil and Andrew with him. Ichirou just sent him a picture a kid and he was confused until he got that call that explained everything. He doesn’t need to explain who the kid is because you can clearly tell from the picture. Though the kid has milk cholclate skin, and curly hair that falls around his head in a fro.

When he frist sees Nico he has a scrape scab on his cheek, bruises on his wrist and purple knuckles. His ears a surprisingly pierced.

They find out Nikoshi Doe goes by Niko, he likes chocolate and cafe con leche (coffee), he likes shoes, he likes the color green, he uses a lot of slang and sometimes uses broken english and spanglish words, he’s quite but hyper and doesn’t know how to say still, asks why a lot, he hates math and likes to read, he loves listening to music it’s his safe place, he was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and takes a pill in the morning and after noon on school days, he doesn’t like the way the pills make him feel, he likes Bee, Bee suspects Niko my be Borderline but it’s hard to tell, Kevin explains Riko was too.  When they go to pick up Nikoshi they are informed of his diagnoses. 

“So Kevin Day, It is very nice to meet you my husband loves watching you guys play Exy,” She smiled at them and then opened a drawer in her desk pulling out two folders.“ Now these paper were just printed out today.  One from Nikoshi’s Doctor and another from his psychologist.”  Kevin straightened his back more at that.

“Psychologist?”  She looked up at Kevin.

“Yes, a lot of children in foster care go to see a therapist.  It helps cope with abandonment and makes sure the kids are transitioning well in their new homes.”  She opened one of the folders.  “Nikoshi saw a therapist who recommended him to a psychologist.  He was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and given medication.  He went through three different medications before he was put on Focalin XR.  His biggest issues are impulsivity, managing feelings, and energy.  There is more information in the folder with getting the prescription at a pharmacy and things to know about his behavior.  He takes Focalin every morning before school, its not needed on the weekends but to long off it isn’t the best idea.  Though if you want him off the medication, if you ever come to adopting him you can do that.”  She looked towards the other two. “Will you two be helping take care of Nikoshi.”

“Yeah we are, is there anything else we need to know.  If he needs a therapist we already got that covered.  We can send her the information.”  Neil replied with a bored tone but

“Thats good to know, he just saw the doctor last week.  He gained some weight and is now at a more healthier weight then he was before.”  She sighed. “You have to reminded him to eat, he forgets to and he doesn't ask for food.  The foster home he was just at was good with keeping a schedule, he ate, took his meds, ate at school, had a snack at home, soccer practice and then dinner.  He gets distracted and has little habits that cause him focus to much on random things.  The meds take away his hunger also, so it important that he finishes.”  She then closed both folders and stacked them together before sliding them to Kevin.  

Kevin didn’t know how to process that.  This information sounded to familiar.  He always had to remind Riko to eat something.  Riko would go days without eating, or sleeping, or even both.  It got so bad the master had to tube feed him because he past out and didn’t get back up.  Niko always got back up.  He was taken out of his thoughts when the lady, Jennifer stood.  He picked up the folders and got up following Andrew and Neil out the door.  Nikoshi was still sitting in his chair, he was singing his legs slowly and seemed fixated on his hands.

“Nikoshi, these gentlemen here are going to be your new guardians,”  Niko looked up at them.  He got a better look at there faces, now that the glasses were off he could easily recognize who the taller man was with the chess piece on his cheek bone.  He was confused o say the least.  This had to be some sick joke, or a stupid stuPID dream.  He looked at the other too, the screw that littered the red heads tan face and the man with blond hair and black studs.

“Deadass?”  He blurted out suddenly.  Fuck.  He did not mean to blurt that out.  Kevin day looked taken back by his statement and the other too snickered from slightly behind him.  The lady looked horrified.

Riko used to self harm, stop eating for days, wouldn’t sleep for days either.  His uncle had to force him into a tube feeder once because of this.  Kevin and Riko had to see a therapist and she diagnosed Riko. His uncle disregarded it and gave him sum type of pills that made Riko’s anger at himself turn down a bit but he was more depressed. He tried to commit 3 times after. Kevin made him promise not to. He flushed the pills and started to abuse others.

Kevin explains this to Neil and Andrew.  They then try to learn more about BPD.  They watch youtube videos, read articles and books on it till they had a better understanding of the disorder.  They learn about the self-destructive tendencies and suicidal gestures that are quite common with the disorder.  They all try there best to build a good support system. 

Niko has a hard time with his identity and ‘who he is’,  he tries to remember that Kevin wants him and isn't going to abandon him, he tries to keep his shifts in moods to himself but in only makes things worse.  He tends to shut down in his room more often then not.  He finds himself getting angry at little things knowing he shouldn’t but he still does.  Anger attacks aren't as bad as the empty feeling he gets sometimes.

When Niko meets all the foxes he drifts more towards Nicky for whatever reason.  He finds that he like Nickys happy vibes and feels it radiate from him.  He likes to soak in it.

Niko likes talking to Neil, he gets candy from Andrew, and he likes playing Exy with Kevin. He didn’t like school and says it’s hard for him but he still makes honor roll no problem.

During the second month of school when he first started living with Kevin he expriences racism for maybe the first time.  He didn’t have any friends, nor knew anybody.  He could tell he was different from the other kids.  They were mostly white with a splash of color here and there.  The way they talked and walked was different then how he did.  He didn’t grew up with white picket fences like they seemed to.  They dressed different too.  He didn’t like the stares he was getting from the kids in his class.

“Nice hair are you a girl?”  One of the boys said, with his little click at his back.  It was recess and Niko stuck to staying to himself drawling in his note book that Andrew gave him. 

“No.”  The boys continued to laugh.  He hated when people talked about his hair.  He didn't like his hair.  Especially when his foster mothers always tugged and pulled on it.  That wasn't just it though.  It reminded him of his foster father Mr. James.

“Such pretty hair.”

The boys crept closers and Niko started to feel closed in.  One of them pulled out scissors and two grabbed him by the shoulders.  One talked about how there dad said them Black boys need to cut there hair.  Another used a slur Niko heard a lot back in the Bronx, used it himself when with the kids in the neighborhood but he never heard it used like this.  He started to struggle but another one grabbed his face and held him down so his face fell between his knees.  He felt chuncks of hair being cut of from his head as they fell down his back and some at his feet.  

He felt his eyes water and struggled harder.  He kicked the one to his right in the shin, knowing how much it hurt from when he played soccer with out shin guards.  The kids let go of that shoulder and he swung his arm hitting another kid.  They all let go once they heard a teacher yell at them.  Niko reached for the scissors and threw them in the grass.  The boys ran away and Niko was left to look at the small and large chunks of his hair on the concrete.  He didn’t mean to bother anybody.  He didn't ask to have this type of hair.  He didn’t ask to be different.  Sometimes he missed the Bronx but then remembered his foster sister getting shot, and his doped up foster parents he used to end up with.  He didn't want to go back, but he found himself missing it sometimes.

Nobody asked abut his hair during the rest of the school day.  Not even his teacher.  Its fine he didn't want to bother anybody.  When Andrew came to pick him up he was wearing his hoodie.  Today Neil and Andrew were coming over, so was Aaron.  Aaron practically lived with him and Kevin now though.  He said nothing on the way home.  He didn't want to bother them.  He was trying his hardest not to.  

But then he got home he went straight to the bathroom and locked the door.  He didn’t hear Kevin nor Aaron calling him.  He stared in to the mirror and glared at himself.  Disgusting. You look like a girl. He ripped off his hood and he felt something in himself crack.  His hair was clearly uneven.  Some areas you couldn’t tell but he could see how his curls on his forehead were shortened compared to the pieces on the sides.  He could tell where every spot was that had been cut, like there were circles showing him where to look.  A broken sob cut through his throat.  The tears rolled down his cheeks.  He always thought he was an ugly crier.  He grabbed his hair and pulled.  He kept pulling till he felt arms wrap around his torso.  He wanted to fight who ever they were off but he couldn't.  They grabbed his hands but they couldn't pry them from his hair.  He heard someone calling his name and found a face to that voice.  He noticed another person accompanied him in the mirror.  Holding on to him.  It wasn’t his voice he heard though.  He saw the other three at the bathroom entrance but it was Aaron standing closest to him.

“Niko its okay, let go buddy.”  He didn’t know if he meant his hands or his feelings but he let them go.  He saw more pieces of hair fall through his hands but ignored it and them screamed.  Kevin turned him around and held him again.  Kevin lowered himself to his knees to let Niko cry and scream into his neck.  He rubbed his back till he calmed down.  Neil and Andrew left to prepare some ice cream and play music.  Kevin noticed the hair that fell to the floor and so did Aaron.  It didn’t match the amount that should still be connected to his head.

Niko told them what happened at school with less emotion then he displayed before.  They were all furious but chose to keep it inside to comfort Niko.  They called the school and told them what happened.  The school apologized but Kevin still wasn't letting Niko go back to that school.  He transferred Niko to another and reassured him it was okay and it was the same distance anyways.  They took Niko to the babor shop and they evened out his hair.  He got it cut some on the sides as well, allowing the back and top to be longer.  His hair showed more off his forehead and ear piercings now.  He felt more exposed, but was happy with the hair cut.

When he meets Dan she gives him oils and creams to put in his hair.  Even showed him how to wash it too, Matt helps.  He got to meet there kids.

Allison braided his hair down for when he graduated Elementary School.  She teaches how how to do other things like twist, braids, and box braids.

When he goes to college Renee helps him bleach the ends of his hair blond.

He has nightmares often. And likes to have hot chocolate to calm his nerves. He gets irritated easily, they learn. When he gets irritated he stops talking and fidgets, tapping his foot and cracking his knuckles. 

Kevin’s night terrors slowly fade as Riko’s dark shadow fades into Nikos warm glow.

Niko definitely learns how to skateboards when Aaron gives him his old one. Kevin likes to watch them practice it together.  Just like Aaron likes to watch Kevin teach Niko Exy.  He joins a team in Middle School.  He's definitely going to be something.

Hope you guys like this.  Leave ask and suggestions about Nikoshi Doe. I would love to hear about it and write the prompts.  

[himbosims]

uh complaining under the cut dont read if you dont wanna know potentially tmi stuff or dont wanna read anything triggering towards mental health and alcohol/drugs

im just SO FUCKING DONE. I work full time, not by choice, but because I have yet to be put on a part time schedule. I also am a full time student. This means the 168 hours I have in the week, 80 go to work and school, potentially more depending on the week. But im also trying really hard to take care of myself because last year when the last thing happened i fell into a really really really bad depression, relapsed, turned to alcohol and pot to cope, which i mean, isnt a bad thing, nothing wrong with a drink or two or having a blunt, but it became more of a every weekend kind of thing. I didn’t want to be sober because everything was just too hard and too much and it seemed alcohol made it better. I was really in one of my worst places in my life around October of last year to February of this year and I really don’t want to fall into that place again, so im trying hard to take care of myself. Im going to therapy, taking my medicine, caring for my health as much as I can, but its just, so hard sometimes. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, which I already knew, but now that Ive started therapy and treatment I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (or at least, semi diagnosed, she didnt have time last session to give me a proper diagnoses, but she says it is highly likely thats my main “issue”) and idk. Im having a hard time coping with it I guess. I mean, ive kinda known for awhile. I could go into papers full of the shit thats happened in the last year to make me think this was a possible diagnoses, but theres a difference between just thinking it to yourself and being told “hey this is what is wrong with you.” (im just now realizing some of you dont know what bpd is so uh, if you dont, think hot and cold, thats how i am about everything, if you wanna learn more just send me an ask or a message, ill share what ive learned based on what my therapist told me). And right now is a really triggering time for me based on past trauma and current things happening in my life, that plus the fact that my depression gets worse in the winter, im really just straight up not having a good time. 

Tumblr also hasnt been great for my mental health, and this is where it gets to the part where you are going to judge me so please just dont because i will probably just cry and log off for months again. All of those posts that go around that are like “sim stories to read” or “blogs I love” really fucking did me in this week because i kept waiting for someone to add me and everytime i saw a reblog where i wasnt on it i felt terrible. I hate that part about myself but i cant change it, i told my therapist about it and she said, again, its the bpd, but its just very annoying. I always find myself so fucking sad on this platform because i never feel appreciated, which is stupid because i know I am, but my brain cant turn off for five seconds just to be happy with what i have. Instead i have to convince myself no one actually cares about me and soon everyone will forget about me and my characters and ill go back to what my blog was when i started it four years ago getting one note per post while my mutuals just get more followings. I hate this. I hate this so much and if there was a way to change this part of me I would because its bullshit. 

That plus the fact that I havent felt good today (i have chronic digestive/stomach issues and have since I was a kid, yeah me) so i worked all day basically just being in pain because i ate something new and my body had a very negative reaction to it.  Which made me in a terrible mood since I got to work. 

I really wanna work on stuff. I got in such a big mood to write yesterday but i was too tired to actually do anything and thats basically been my entire life recently. I sleep all night and as much of the day as possible and when im not asleep im tired and in a shitty mood and i know theres not much i can do about it because im not in control of really anything. Basically im just vibing, but not the good kind, more of the “i hate everything and life isnt fair but im too spiteful to die” kinda vibing. 

[maq-moon]

My mental illness & fandom

So this is a long time coming from me. Almost a year, really. I want to be clear up front: this isn’t a call-out post. It’s me explaining my (and possibly others’) behavior. It’s partially an apology, too. I know tumblr is like... the worst place to talk about mental health, but this is where the people I care for-- the people to whom this applies-- will see it. I’m so nervous that I’m actually shaking, but I think it has to be said. I won’t feel right until I’ve explained. So, off we go!

I’m crazy. I use that word because I have to laugh about my mental health or I’ll cry about it. There’s a laundry list of diagnoses (when I see a new doctor I ask, “Would you like them alphabetically or the order in which they were diagnosed?”), but right now we’re going to focus on two. I have PTSD (no, I won’t say why) and BPD. BPD is currently being bastardized in the media. Crime shows love to have their perp or unsub suffering from undiagnosed or unmedicated borderline. I won’t rant about how the mentally ill are far more likely to be the victims of violent crimes than to commit them.

The central thing with BPD is “black and white” or “all or nothing” thinking. Everything is one extreme or another; no middle ground exists. There are also attachment issues. We tend to get attached to people fast. Add the “all or nothing” to that. We could, hypothetically, meet a new person, have one or two good conversations, and think, “Wow, we’re great friends!” while the other person is thinking, “Meh, maybe I won’t answer their next text.” (This is where the media stereotype of stalkers/obsessed killers comes from).

I get this way. I’m very sociable and chatty and, if others are to be believed, downright charming *wink* I also attempt to cover my insecurities with humor. I’m incredibly insecure and want to avoid talking about a significant amount of my life, so I joke a lot. I’m generally positive with everyone I meet. Why shouldn’t this new person want to be my friend?

Because of me. Because of PTSD. As much as I get attached, as much as I want this new friend, I can’t trust them. As soon as a conversation turns serious, I get uncomfortable and push new people away. Sometimes friends will physically push the new people away for me if they see I’m in distress.

Which brings us to our title: fandom. Should be lots easier since it’s online, right? Nope! Have you ever heard of parasocial relationships? Most people haven’t. I learned about them when David Bowie died. A parasocial relationship is basically a one-sided relationship-- like why you’re sad when a celebrity dies. They didn’t know you, but you felt that you knew them in a way. That’s why the prefix is para. Here’s the connection. A person with borderline gets involved in fandom. Suddenly they’re surrounded by new people. Blogs, Twitter, the AO3 comment section, Discord servers-- they all serve as a way to interact with new people. And interaction means attachment.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have made actual friends in fandom. I go out of state a few times a year to visit someone from my Harry Potter roleplay days. I know it’s not impossible. But I don’t know when it’s a real relationship and when it’s parasocial.

You may be thinking that it’s like this for everyone. We’re all navigating the Internet and faceless kinda-friends. Well, yes. But I’m acutely aware of how having borderline makes me act and how it affects others. I don’t want to be that clingy weird lady. I don’t want to over-share and make people uncomfortable. So as soon as I feel a rapport building with someone online, I do what I do in real life: shut.it.down. I don’t ghost one person, I quit the Internet (all or nothing, remember?). I don’t want to give myself the opportunity to fuck up a friendship, so I stop myself from forming one. And I don’t think about how that affects the other person, because PTSD has me focused on my own well-being.

BPD and PTSD are one hell of a combo, right? Come closer, stay back! Ugh.

I asked my therapist once how to tell if the people online were my friends, if they liked me as much as I liked them. She said that a good indicator would be someone going out of their way to ask how you are or just saying “hi”. I realized my fandom friends weren’t my friends, and it was probably my fault. I quit the Internet for much of 2020 (when I wanted to come back, my computer broke. w e i r d). It’s hypocritical of me to make assumptions, though. After all, I don’t send random “hello how ya doin” messages. I keep quiet out of fear of my mental illness. I don’t know why others are quiet. I jump to the worst conclusion, though: none of them like me. And that’s me. That’s not a reflection of any community I’m in. All of my fandoms are full of lovely people. People I like, and who I wish I were brave enough to let like me.

I said way back in the first paragraph that this is a sort of apology. I’m not apologizing for having mental illnesses. Genetics and experiences did that and I stopped being ashamed a long time ago. I do want to apologize to a great group of people (while being vague enough that hopefully only they know who they are?).

Last year, I feel like I invited myself to your event. It was open, obviously, and I had a great vacation around it, but I still feel like I went somewhere I wasn’t supposed to. Zero blame on all of you; it was me assuming we were friends. The person I brought with me kept trying to get me to actively invite myself to things you were doing the next day. You weren’t talking to us, but she heard two of you discussing Indian food and kept pushing me to jump in; I’m not that rude. I talked to each of you for a few minutes, and then… Then I was afraid that the borderline would “kick in”. I was afraid that the only reason I had driven so far to meet you was because of borderline-induced parasocial relationships. A few weeks later, I did a fic swap but ignored everyone. I didn’t talk. I wrote, but I didn’t interact. I’m sorry for all of it. I won’t blame BPD; that’s a cop out (I have borderline, not “I’m borderline”). I was just very excited and very afraid and very insecure and even more very afraid.  

I’m used to not being liked. I’m what you would call “an odd duck” or “a special snowflake”. I’m weird, basically. But it’s one thing to be disliked for your weirdness and another to not know why you’re disliked, or even IF you’re disliked. That’s the beauty and the horror of the Internet, I guess. You can do you, but there are no boys asking you for tissues the day you’re wearing a Wonderbra. Er, an imperfect analogy. You don’t know what people really think! There’s no body language, no inflection. The only way I can think to tell if someone’s sort of my friend is if we’re mutuals. Some of my very favorite people aren’t, and I won’t pretend that doesn’t sting—but it’s me. It’s me and my idea of friendship, which is arbitrary and changeable, and it’s my brain playing tricks on me, and it’s me trying to outsmart a mental illness.

So… yeah. 1300 words on my brand of crazy. I hope maybe I cleared some things up (eleven months later). I guess if I had to tl;dr this thing, it would be that if I’m following you on a social media platform, if I go back-and-forth with you in comments, and so on, I probably want to be your friend and have been self-sabotaging. I’m not trying to put any onus on you. I’m just letting you know.

With love,

Mac        

[hydraulic-conductivity]

i’ve been kinda using this blog as a secondary shitposting/aesthetic blog casually. but the true reason it was created was to discuss my mental illnesses and lowkey it was a pro ana blog so i’d like to quickly check in with that since i shifted to tiktok and this is the original secondary blog i had in march 2012 when i was literally crumbling. it is august 2020.

anyways, eating disorder wise i’m pretty ok. i don’t binge eat anymore and if i do it’s not nearly as bad as it has been. i don’t starve but i definitely don’t eat every time i’m hungry immediately until my headache gets so bad i need to or i can’t sleep because i’m in pain. so maybe that’s not healthy but i don’t feel anorexic. because i do eat. but i’m finally at the point where my clothes are all big on me or finally fit and everyone in my life is noticing that i “look skinnier” and that i “lost weight” but i genuinely think i look the same. i made a tiktok of trying on the dress i wore at my ex best friends wedding and it was the only thing that really opened my eyes to how different i look. but in day to day life i do not feel or notice a change. i enjoy working out a lot more i just wish i has was a bit more...able. i have come to terms with feeling it but i do not like using the word “disabled” i suppose but something’s wrong with me for sure and because my sister is literally dying from a (genetic) disease... i’m thinking i should start focusing on treating myself well to have a healthy future because i deserve it.

so because i’ve been tryna start focusing on my health more, i’ve been cigarette and juul free(minus emergency hits here and there but no buying new pods) for a month + and that’s the longest i’ve gone without nicotine since i was 15. i’m 23. it’s a lot. i like being vegan bc morals but i cheat sometimes bc food. i have come to terms with a lot of traumas and mental illness diagnoses that were uncomfortable and that i rejected. i understand myself better. i almost have a 4.0 and i’m finally in a university which is a huge step considering i am technically only (almost) 9 months clean, hella mental illnesses and disabled. im still smoking weed obviously. medically necessary. emotionally and recreationally as well. but i even went on a tolerance break bc i had some court things to settle. jail time/probation/license suspended. misdemeanor. what a scary word. anyways that just happened and i’m a better person now because of it. i was lucky.

i’m just gonna tag everything i’ve been diagnosed w that i can recall rn (lol ptsd too but like idk :) i feel guilty claiming that one even though i think about my rapist every single day) omg fun fact he was coming into my old work before i quit my job because i was hitting emotional rock bottom coming to terms with it :)) the first time i saw him again i was hyperventilating in the bathroom and crying :)) and i watched him leave on camera :) and i was too scared to smoke a cigarette outside after 7 pm for like 2 weeks. anyways.

i’m doing some spiritual work.

also my bff and i just broke up bc of a lot of things but she found out serious stuff about my rapist that changed everything and told me very casually when it was damaging information. then she tried to act like she was assaulted even though what she did was prediscussed, consensual rapeplay. anyways i hate him and i can’t be tied up anymore and anal sex is even scarier. what a fucking piece of shit that was literally the only virginity i had left 😂😩 i listen to bloodmoney by poppy and scream at the sky and i listen to my queen taylor of course folklore rn is saving my whole life i needed it so baddddddddddd. i just try my best. i feel stuck like always but how do i move on from so much shit ?

i have started to control my skin and picking and it rly started to look beautiful but then i relapsed 😂 um also i am not pursuing any romantic relationship anymore since i became his side bitch but also he’s still my dom and it’s casual so yikes one day i’ll need more but for rn we’re doing okay. he moves away the end of this month. the last few people i dated abused me, cheated on me, or didn’t give a fuck about me so i’m lowkey not on a good path picking.

i let myself become infatuated with my ex who had a girlfriend and we talked almost 24/7 until he ghosted next because they moved back in together. it was stupid but i romanticized him s lot and i wanna blame teen love but it’s prob the bpd too. lol.

[szopenhauer]

What type of friend are you?  funny mom friend so like... dad friend? XD 

Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? nah

Do you have a family member you hate? could say so

Does your family accept who you are? it’s complicated

Have you ever puked in school or at work? luckily not

Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? hate 

Have you ever coughed up blood? nope

Do you lie to your doctor? sometimes we all have to but nothing important

Have you ever been misdiagnosed? yup

Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? that too

Is self diagnosing good or bad? depends

Do you think sex is overated? it is

Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? I’m not dating men, I don’t want to have a son and I am not a doctor so I don’t care about male bodies, sorry

If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? ...

Have you ever dated someone more than twice your age? nooo

Have you ever been cut off by a bartender because you were too drunk? I don’t drink

Have you ever borrowed money from your mom & lied about why you needed it? I don’t think so

Have you ever dated someone just because they had money? no

Have you ever lied to your spouse about the money you spent shopping? it wasn’t a lie but I bend the truth a little 

Have you ever gone on a first date with no underwear? I might go without a bra but because I don’t wanna wear it and not because I might have sex 

Do you treat attractive people better than others who aren’t as attractive? nope

Are you more comfortable with friends that are less attractive than you? not less but not more as more attractive might make me feel insecure at times

Have you ever hated a job to the point that you tried to get fired? I would if they let me stay in few places but luckily they didn’t care much about me as their worker hahaha

Have you ever lied about your weight on a driver license? there is weight on a driving license? :o

Have you ever lied during a job interview? meh

Have you ever lied to your boss to get out of work? I exaggerated feeling sick once to not get a job in a horrible place if that counts

Have you ever lied under oath in court? I wouldn’t!

Have you ever bought alcohol for someone underage? I said NO

Have you ever switched tags on an item to pay less for it? I only took tag from an identical item, just different color, as someone tore it out before and I really wanted that particular color, so no

Have you taken any pics of yourself that you wont want your parents to see? umm... yeah ^^”

Did you ever tell your BF/GF you like their outfit when you really didn’t? there are different types of like - like as I would want to wear that myself and like as I enjoy it in general but also like it on particular person etc. 

Do you feel accepted by your BF/GF ’s family? could be worse lol

Do you lie about your age? what for if everybody think I’m younger anyway

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? maybe

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? hell no

Have you ever snuck out of the house to go out with friends? not really

Have you ever shoplifted? no way

Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? yup Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? omg

Have you ever held back a well deserved compliment because you were jealous? I don’t recall

Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? hope not, I try not to, it’s manipulative and I already am seen this way due to my BPD so... 

Would most ppl consider you better than average looking? pfft Would you prefer to have hot body or high IQ? good health

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I’m ashamed to tell them that I don’t have a job 

Would you give up your car to save the planet? if I had one...

Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? woman :x

Has your credit card ever been declined? I don’t use a credit card

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? oh no...

Do you think your parents are too critical of you? my mother is

Ever blame a sibling for something you did wrong? I usually have to take the blame for her instead

Have you ever accepted credit for someone else’s work? just my alters lmfao

Did you ever buy something expensive,wear it once and return it? I didn’t, I have no money to buy and no heart to act like this either

Have you ever re-gifted something? shitload of times

Do you really care about saving the planet for future generations? not for future ppl, just for itself

Do you own anything from IKEA? not furniture 

What was the last task that you required the use of scissors for? I just dropped them and let them lay on the floor under the table because I am unable to reach ‘em

Look around the room and name any item that’s grey. stuffed bad from Biedronka that I got on a flea market

Do you know what any of your close friends did yesterday afternoon? me and M. been spending time together while my parents were at home

Can you recall the last time you woke up in a bad mood? Why was that? I always do?...

Who was the last person to send you a message with a heart emoji? my gf obviously

Does your hometown have many good bookshops? none

What would be your typical outfit for a party? I don’t attend parties 

If your girlfriend/​​boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? oh...

last dream you had: K. 3D printed or smth almost identical album as the ones I had as a baby and her and my current partner gave it to me as a gift :3

do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I aware of that

is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? I informed my father that I dropped scissors and now as I picked them up he asked me when and how they ended up there while I told him about it few minutes ago - I was more worried than annoyed tbh

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? she’s taking a nap

Sex ruins relationships, right? it can happen

Last person to stand up for you? hmm...

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? I lost count which is weird because I cry in front of my family members only (not even my grandma until I was a baby), I know that sometimes I cry in public but because I don’t give a fuck about strangers as much as I used to, close ones in the other hand... Nat hates the most when someone sees him so vulnerable

Something good going to happen tomorrow? doubt it

The last person you kissed hates you. Why? would have reasons

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? it’s a secret you can unlock in a very high level of our relationship

Do you like your cell phone? it’s ok

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? we’re engaged so that dream ain’t that unreal

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? uh oh

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? I wish

What are you listening to at the moment? mom and dad talking <rolling my eyes>

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? or never

What’s your favorite high school memory? I have a bunch of those

Do you wish you had more money? absolutely

Team Jacob or Team Edward? team hate Twilight

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? with bicurious maybe, definitely not gay

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? I have

Are you a patient person? weirdly unpatient Do you think you are a good person? am not

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? ewww

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? there is 

How was your week? rollerclaster XD

Does it bother you when an artist remakes a song that one has previously done? usually

When was the last time you cried? recently

What letter is the song you’re listening to under? M if vocalist/band B if title of the song

Would you rather visit the 60s or 70s? 60s I guess

Do your socks say anything on them? I have no socks with anything said on them

Name a TV channel that only has three letters in it. BBC

Gray or Grey? grey

Will you be buying concert tickets any time soon? I won’t

Have you seen the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower? Did you like it? yasss, it was fine

How many weddings have you been to? less than 5

When you smile, are you confident? I am not

Have you ever not done something because you were afraid of getting in trouble? of course

Was the weather beautiful today? it’s cold

Do you have to have a fan on when you sleep? I don’t own a fan Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? walls? orange 

Would you ever dye part of your hair blue? why not whole

Is Finding Nemo a favorite movie of yours? I dislike it

Does/Did your school have a uniform? middle school only and that was a great idea

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? not gonna

What’s your favorite thing to do? nothing

If your house was haunted, what would you do? depends

What’s worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? slow internet

Are you a fast or slow walker? which alter? :P

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? I must buy belt for Nat

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? no comment

What age do you look forward to reaching? I live on borrowed air...

What exercise do you hate the most? awkward ones

Do you know anyone that has a gecko as a pet? no

What color shirt is your mom wearing today? she’s wearing a striped pajama and light blue sweater atm

Does any part of your body hurt right now? mor than one

Do you like Greek Mythology? not a fan

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

What was the last question you answered, not on surveys? it was more an order than a question coming from my mom 

Do you own anything Polo? used to

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? neighbor

What is your favorite endangered animal? are elephants still endangered?

Do you like to dance? kinda, from time to time Who was the last person who screamed your name? mom’s calling me again, grrr...

Which underwater creature do you find the most badass? what do you mean?

How do you usually find out what the weather will be like for the next week? someone tells me, I ignore them, they were wrong all along

Why have/haven’t you joined Twitter? I left as it was boring and irritating Are you good at rhyming? but don’t like to rhyme

When’s the last time you were woken up in an obnoxious way? lately it’s common

Why do you/don’t you enjoy horror movies? they’re disgusting and pointless

Do you have any celebrity’s perfume? I don’t use perfume

How well do you do at Scrabble? in polish or english?

Who is your favorite Scooby-Doo character? Velma I suppose

Have you ever played or been interested in playing World Of Warcraft? been interested, liked the movie

What kind of cake/other dessert treat did you have for your last birthday? nothing?

Who do you think does the best job at cartoon voiceovers? Jarosław Boberek 

Does your dad wear a watch all the time? years ago frequently

How much ice cream do you think you’d be able to eat before you got sick? only a bit

Do you know anybody under 40 with grey hair? I have some myself

Do you think you have the potential to be a good stalker? oh well...

Why did you read the last book that you read? I watched film and heard it has a different ending so wanted to check it out

Have you ever cross-dressed? clothes have no gender but I drew mustaches and such 

Which sport are you the best at playing? unihokej/floorball or however it’s called

Do you know anyone who has gotten pregnant despite using contraception? possibly

What would you do if you were in that situation? I’m an asexual and I’m into girls

Are you planning on buying a house in the near future? not possible

Do you prefer on-campus classes or online classes? online

What was your favorite family vacation you went on as a kid? personal

What’s something about you that others might find unpleasant or off-putting? my skin for example (not color)

What gaming consoles do you own? I only play PC and android 

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? been to ER few times

Do you know any lesbian couples? I’m in one ;)

Have you ever lived in an apartment building?  just when I was staying with my grandmother

What was the last topic you asked someone for their opinion or advice on? not sure which was last

Is your house visible on Google Street View?- barely

What’s the largest thing you currently have in your refrigerator? *shrug*

Do you know anyone who has never had a pet? I believe

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? no thx

Would you take the 3 minute beatdown to be in a gang? neither Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? not every single time, it’s impossible!

Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment? sorta, I think they’re lying/want something or make fun of me (even if just slightly teasing for fun)

When you are home alone at night and hear strange noises, are you afraid someone is going to break in? I’m more “ghost” type of person hahaha

Do you wake up cranky? mhm

What is on your wrists right now? sleeves

Are you a beach, country, or city person? country or small town

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? we are 

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? ex - I got a gift and found a shirt for Nat and myself :3

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? -

Are you waiting for something? food

Something you do a lot? suffer

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? it’s not about the amount

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? she likes hugs

How long have you liked the person you like? it’s a long story 

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? not our last kiss

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I worry

Have you ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? we kissed 

Are you one of those people who are always cold? not always but often

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? I still feel like it even tho I don’t, I thrift often but spend little for those trinkets

Did you sing at all today? może coś nuciłam, nie pamiętam, w headspace?

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? gave it away to John

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? typing on the computer

In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? hate

Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? trashy

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? skinny

Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? none

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? I don’t care for diamonds

Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? plenty of times

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? smth in between

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? I don’t need period to have mood swings, it’s stereotypical!

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? aha

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? we would end up having sex? jk

When/where did your last hug take place? today

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? kind of

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? and with family 

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? no shit Sherlock!

What’s one thing about today that you didn’t like? don’t wanna talk about all that

Who is the last person that you said i love you to, besides family members? my fiancee

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? done

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? we’re together again

Do you have a picture of you kissing someone? :D

What’s a cuss word you use often? there’s a whole list

Who’s the last guy you texted? dad

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? this question...

Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I remember how we met

Do you believe that people talk about you behind your back? ha!

If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? yuk

What are you listening to? Tame Impala - Let It Happen

Did you do something mean to someone today? she deserved it!

Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? babcia...

Give us a lyric from a song you’re listening to: The truth of it is it doesn’t get better than this

Is your birthday in less than 6 months? whoops

What brings out the worst in you? better not say that out loud

How’re you feeling right now? bad

Are you afraid of the future? very

Do you believe in true love? I’m trying

Do you believe that every one has a soul-mate? not everybody

Was today a good day? should be better

What woke you up this morning? woke up on my own

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? I don’t 

Have you ever played naked twister? wut...

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? not yet and don’t plan to keep it that long

Would you get in trouble if you came home drunk? that would be a shock to my family (and to me)

Do you ever think about things and start to worry? 100% of the time

Are you one to get annoyed easily? that me!

Is the last person you kissed yours? we don’t own ppl...

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today? girl

Are you scared of spiders? am not

Do you hate the last boy who talked to you? I love my parent

Do you tend to make things complicated? not on purpose

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “I’m done trying”? gqe1gIQASGCK...

Do you think things will change in the next few months? I’m afraid for worse 

Do you like when people play with your hair? it’s strange

What are you wearing right now? bluzę w czarne i białe paski, zieloną bluzkę z długimi rękawami i szare legginsy z niebieskim wzorkiem

Ever feel like you have been replaced? more than once

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? write

Are you lying to yourself about something? thx a lot for this ask...

Is the person you last texted single? she’s with me

Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? tha hell

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? just my own apartment

Which do you prefer, relationship or a one-night-stand? relationship

[far-off-flower-fields]

Okay another update on the situation with the psychiatrist situation.

I heard back about a week later, but it was the receptionist again. She said that my appointment hadn't just been cancelled without actually telling me, I'd actually been removed from his patient list, ie I wasn't on the waiting list and needed to go to a doctor again to get another referral. I tried to play it cool but just kinda started to cry because I can't try to get on with my life until this shit gets sorted so I can get some benefit stuff sorted and maybe find a mental health management system that actually works for me. She's really nice so she was asking if I was okay and I was trying to just say I was because I was also about to have a meltdown, but then I managed to explain that I had trouble getting referred in the first place because my go sucks. She literally was like hm I wonder if we have the same gp, and then said she'd send another email to the psychiatrist to see if he could work something out.

I should maybe preface this but by explaining the steps I had to go through to get referred, I spent about 3 years going in and complaining about my mental health, I tried a new medication which did literally nothing, I saw a counsellor who was a terrible fit for me. Then when I stopped that I went in to the doctor and said I don't think I have my full diagnosis and why I think that and that I want a referral for that without saying what I think could be my issues and they said they couldn't. I went in again and asked again to a different doctor, this time saying the things that could be going on in case that made a difference but as soon as I mentioned that I think autism or add could make sense (without speaking in certainties even though I've done a ton of actual research) and they point blank said that even though it was so long ago and I had to convince them to even look at me that my diagnosis is exactly what I was told (doctors don't like when you say another doctor got it wrong even if you speak as cautiously as you can and the doctors were literally on the other side of the world). I went in a third time this time only mentioning the possibility of bpd and they actually referred me through. Then I waited several months (like 4 or 5) and my mum buried my appointment notice under some towels so I missed it, then had to reschedule, then that was set to march 31st and the lockdown happened and I've covered the rest already.

The day after I spoke to the receptionist I got a call from a doctor, this time it was the one I spoke to when I got a medical note because of my mental health when I first went on the benefit and I'd told her back then about my "postponed". She was confused because she received an email from the psychiatrist basically asking if she thought I actually needed seen. I explained to her that it was starting to feel like he just didn't want to help me (because it does), but I also explained how my day to day life/mental health is rn and she was like yeah no that's not acceptable and that I shouldn't really be waiting this long so she re-referred me as urgent. She asked if I'd likecto try some medication or just wait and see what the psychiatrist says, I ran through all of the meds I tried that haven't worked and that I've seen so many counsellors who all tried cbt on me to no avail, and she was like yeah you've run the course and tried all there is.

So now I have to wait, probably 3 months minimum but more likely closer to 6 months to move back through the waiting list. Which means I'll be just starting the process of getting diagnosed for whatever is in my head literally a month or two before I wanted to move out of my toxic parents house so there's that out of the window. It also means I have to push back getting married because I'll be doing that just after we move out since otherwise we can't actually see each other more than every second weekend and my benefit will be reduced. My life literally has to continue to be put on hold because the nhs (especially for mental health services) is hugely underfunded and most GPs are shits who won't listen.

I'm so sick of this, I bet they're just hoping I'll give up and just like go back to work and promptly fucking drop dead.

Still 99% sure I have some sort of neurodivergence and/or bpd and I have serious doubts after how the psychiatrist has been acting so far that they're going to listen to me when I actually explain all of my shit and take me seriously because he just seems like he can't be bothered or doesn't have time. I literally have no choice but to keep pushing though.

[andonutty]

a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can��t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search. 

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.