#BE PREPARED FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO WRITE

[marvins-linguinie]

eddie, staring at steve: why won't he look at me the way he does with that girl?

nancy: wait. you have a crush on steve?

eddie: was it not obvious?

nancy: ...OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

eddie: were you talking to yourself or..?

nancy: if we get steve to date you, then i might actually have a chance with robin. it's a win-win. robin said that she couldn't date me a while ago, because she didn't want to hurt steve. is this selfish? if we do this?

eddie: ...i-i don't kn-

nancy: EXACTLY! so, how would we get steve interested?

eddie: um..

nancy: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING! you invite him to a movie, with all four of us, but then robin and i cancel.

eddie: wheeler, are you good-

nancy: we'll get married in fall.

eddie: WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?

nancy: do you want to be my maid of honor? it could be a man of honor, right?

eddie, tearfully: wHAT'S HAPPENING?!

[benevolenterrancy]

Scholarly peak is catching up on recent literature

[backpackingspace]

Do we think odysseus started pranking Athena and her temples at some point? Because I do. He argued that it was good for sneaking and evading training. And you know what Athena couldn't argue that. Her chasing odysseus across the island was good training.

[soosoosoup]

Haaayy can you tell us more about your au where branch finds cooper's egg?

Hiiii!! Thanks for asking! And of course :)

lol turns out I had a lot more thought out. Fair warning, none of this is concrete, this was thought up a while ago and uhhhhh… writing is not my strong suit lol

In this au I had debated whether to make copper a little bit younger, I already hc him as the youngest of the snack pack so idk if its needed lol.

While in the beginning of making his bunker, branch (who’s maybe 7??) would travel farther out into the forest and gather supplies to build when he stumbles on what looks like an egg? Just in time too, ‘cause Coops pops out like in twt, does his little groove, & then proceeds to flop over to nap (being baby is tiring work).

Branch is just ??? cause like what?? Baby? Way out here in the woods?? Why does the baby have 4 legs??? Why is said baby all alone? And that last part makes b pause for a sec bc where’s his family? Did he lose them? Or is it even worse…was he left behind? (He might be projecting a lil).

Cooper and Branch proceed to live where other kids w/o families go. Caretakers try to care for cooper & he is not having it. After all, branch is the first person he’d ever seen, was the first person who’d carried him. He’s imprinted on branch and whole heartedly believes and he is his family. So if C needs to be taken care of B has to be there. It goes on long enough that the caretaker decides it'll just easier if branch helped take care of him; and who knows maybe he'll regain his color being around such a happy little goober.

At first, branch doesn’t realize how much he means to C and assumes his attachment will fade. After all why wouldn’t it when he’s being doted on by warm and cheerful trolls. But nope! Whenever the caretakers aren't taking cooper around the village, Cooper is always following Branch. Around the pod, and through the woods. Branch looks out for him, talks to him, teaches him what he can, and even plays games! I think the fact that branch has been a part of Coopers whole life gives him a sense of obligation perhaps like a big brother?. It's easy to be open to him.

All attempts to foster Cooper are unsuccessful. It's not that Cooper doesn't match the family, it's that he just doesn't want to live with them. Imagine a foster family having the time of their lives singing & playing around & when the time comes Cooper's like 'I had a lot of fun today! Time to go! what?? Stay here? be a part of your family? ...Nope :D

When the time comes that the bunker can feasibly house him, (preteen?) Branch packs up what little he owns, and prepares to leave that night. It's not like the anyone at the orphanage would chase after him. Well, except for one trolling.

It's been years, long enough that their bond is strong, they're brothers in all but name. At least unnamed on branch's side, he kind of refuses to acknowledge it.

Anyway- Branch waits until everyone falls asleep and sneaks out. He doesn't even make it out of the room lol. One foot out the door and a sleepy voice is asking him where he's going. Branch just says he's going to the bunker, that he'll see him soon, it won't be forever you see what im trying to parallel? and it's true. It's not like he's leaving to who knows where. Cooper just nods & yawns out a "bye, see you later". Love me a parallel

Branch lasts an hour or two in the bunker. He's on edge the whole time, racked w/ guilt. Has a little mental spiral until there is just one loud thought of 'what am i doing? there's someone waiting for me' and runs back.

In the joined room, Cooper fell asleep on branch's bed waiting for him. So making sure not to wake him, Branch rests coopers head on his lap. Leaning against the headboard Branch just stares at his vest left at the end of the bed & has a moment of clarity. Like oh, that's why i felt terrible, i left my little brother behind. (Keep in mind that no, he didn’t really do that, but he’s a kid and that whole ‘see you later’ really shook him so he’s making some jumps in logic)(there some projecting happening as well)

So yeah, gained a brother!! yay!!! Cooper beat you to that revelation yeeaarrrss ago lol.

One thing I like about branch being a big bro is this idea that the more he learns about what it means to be one, the less he can understand his brothers. And are they his brothers?? Over the years it’s not looking like it.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb

[crescentfool]

i've been doing a bunch of tartarus runs in reload lately, and it got me thinking about how i miss certain ways FES's clunky gameplay can characterize minato… (ramble about the great clock mechanic + leveling up party members in reload vs fes under the cut)

when i got to yabbashah block in tartarus (block 3), i remember commending the developers for adding the great clock mechanic. it's a much more convenient way to keep party members at the protagonist's level- so when you think about p3 from the perspective of trying to make it easier for people to play, the mechanic succeeds in this respect.

but now that i'm in adamah block, and that i've done lots of my once-a-month tartarus runs… i think that i got a little too dependent on it, and the way that i played through reload feels like a vastly different experience from how i played FES.

in reload, my party's levels are very lopsided. minato, yukari, akihiko, mitsuru, and fuuka are all level 90+, meanwhile junpei and aigis are at level 79, and then… poor ken and koromaru are at 71 and 64 respectively. (i never got to have a great clock for them…)

meanwhile, in FES, my party's levels were much more evenly distributed and were at least level 90. i did all of this manually for every monthly tartarus run because i enjoyed having options available for the taratarus guardians and monthly operations.

with how i perceive minato, i feel that the way i played FES feels more in-line with his character than me dawdling around waiting for the great clocks in reload.

FES's gameplay loop left me with the very strong impression that minato has to work twice as hard as everyone else in SEES does. it makes sense because, yeah, he's the leader, but something about having minato run through tartarus multiple times with different groups of people just to make sure that they are adequately prepared speaks volumes about his character, to me.

and while the tired mechanic is present in reload to some degree, most notably with allowing you to freely raise your courage stat when you visit edogawa after school�� the tiredness system doesn't hit the same way that FES does, i think.

the way your party members in FES will call it quits when they return to the entrance floor at tartarus when they're tired, versus minato, in spite of all his tiredness and sickness, still pushes through tartarus because it's his responsibility…. idk!!! i miss that! i feel like this really hammers home the difference between minato and the rest of SEES, how minato doesn't really see himself as a human with needs worth respecting as long as he's useful to someone.

i don't think that tartarus being tedious (in FES especially) is not what most people would describe as fun, and i can respect people thinking it's a slog. but, regardless of how it feels to play, it doesn't change that FES's gameplay loop is a fundamental building block in how i perceive minato…

of course, i do recognize that you can just opt to NOT use the great clock in reload (and it's great when players are offered the choice to not partake in mechanics)! i definitely think that if someone really wanted to, they could manually level up party members, but i do feel that kind of playstyle isn't necessarily "incentivized" to the type of people who are into playing games for Having a Good Time. it's kind of like… "why would you do that when there's a much more convenient option available to you."

in any case! despite my woes, i do want to emphasize that i'm glad that reload has a much more smoother gameplay loop than the original P3 did, because it does make the game more accessible to people. having played both FES and reload, it feels very strongly apparent to me how the core gameplay formula of persona has really been refined in the past 18 years (to think og p3 was 2006 and reload is 2024.. time flies!). and reload has made revisiting a story that i love so dearly much, much easier because the gameplay just bops!

at the same time, due to my "i miss characterization informed by weird and dated FES gameplay quirks" woes, i still think that playing FES is worthwhile. (really, i feel this way about all iterations of p3! i think it's worthwhile to see what each version and side media has to say even if it doesn't Land™ for you.) but i also understand why people wouldn't want to play it, so i will keep writing posts about things i liked from FES's gameplay because i'm still very fond of FES (especially in respects to minato. these mechanics are so telling about him!!!) 💪

[seraphic-sibyl]

I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been

[al-luviec]

still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)

[hijinks-n-lowjinks]

Ngl I’m very nervous for how leaks are going to go tonight, but more so for how the fandom will react to literally anything that happens than the actual content gege puts out.

[o-uncle-newt]

I read Possession by AS Byatt after people told me "if you liked Gaudy Night you'll like this" and WELL.

Warning- spoilers for both books abound below!

So it sounded great- as a lapsed academic (though not in the field of literature by any means) there's a part of me that loves reading about academia because it's full of such obsessive people, and this book seemed to be exactly that and so I was excited.

Then I read it, and on the one hand, my first thought was "all these people are dull as heck, the only sane modern-day one is Val, and at the end of the day the historical stuff is just two people having an affair, who cares." My second thought was "there's just enough stuff here that makes me think that maybe the author knows that all of this is stupid, like the fact that Val is obviously one of the few sane ones here." But the ending made me doubt even that. Essentially, and I say this even as that lapsed academic, the author could not convince me to care about the important things at stake here, and as a result couldn't get me to care about the people who only seemed to care about those things.

I didn't care about Ash and LaMotte- they came across as two people high on their own supply who had a tawdry affair. (And each of them is the less interesting person, as a person, than their official partner!) As a result of not caring about them, I couldn't POSSIBLY care about Roland, Maud, and the rest of their crew, because their only functions were to be possessed by, and weirdly possessive of, these two entirely unworthy individuals, whose in-universe historical and literary significance Byatt couldn't convince me of, and to use that possession as a mirror for their own very lame romance. Beyond that they're utterly uninteresting, and there isn't even meant to BE much beyond that so it's not that surprising.

Anyway, I didn't like this book much, but it still made me think a lot. And there's a way in which a certain kind of person might say "well if it made you think then that's surely a sign of some positive quality" and... maybe? I don't know. I didn't hate all of it, and some parts were interesting, and I do have a whole separate list of things about the book that bug me including a breakdown of some of the book's (perceived by me) themes that I particularly disliked lol. Perhaps I'll post it another time. So I guess you can say it spurred me to thought, but loads of things that I don't like do that, and the only positive thing that that draws from me is that they're not downright dull.

The thing is, after finishing the book I was immediately struck by that "if you like Gaudy Night..." element, because it has a situation that felt weirdly similar (if for totally different reasons)- a young scholar stealing a letter from a library/archive. The circumstances are different- in Gaudy Night, the scholar does it to hide its existence so as not to contradict his thesis, and in Possession, the scholar does it so as to explore the document further, though still secretly- but there are still some interesting parallels vis a vis class. Possession goes into the class thing more than Gaudy Night does, but neither book goes much into it- the scholar is lower-class and someone who has scraped their way to their position, and is encumbered by a female partner of lower social and academic standing, and in the end they are juxtaposed against scholars who come from an elevated class and who have more money and opportunity. In Gaudy Night, Arthur Robinson is judged by the likes of Lord Peter Wimsey and a college full of women who don't have to do anything but think, teach, write, and grade papers; in Possession, Roland has to convince a bunch of academics of standing and resources to take a chance on him (and while this is more about money than class, he's the main one who's like "maybe it's good if Lady Bailey gets her wheelchair"). Byatt elides over this at the end by having him magically become in demand and on his way to achieving his academic goals, but I think in both books, the class element really could have taken on more significance in the text.

(I'd add as well that Byatt pits the upper-class and moneyed Maud, who of course is doing things for "the right reasons," vs the evil American businessman who clearly... doesn't care about Ash enough? Despite how much he clearly and obviously cares about Ash? The book was way more interesting when he seemed like a valid rival to the British team, who only thought that they deserved the letters more because of their obsession, rather than how it turned out at the end where the American dude is an actual cartoon villain. What made him genuinely less worthy besides having money without class, and of course having the bad taste to be American? What makes one scholar's possession more justified? Sayers was never this unsubtle.)

So that made me think more about Possession vs Gaudy Night, and the thing is, there are actual living people in Gaudy Night! Say what you will about the unworldliness of the academics at Shrewsbury, but you get a very keen view of their personalities by the end, even as they are (by necessity given the rules of their world) subsumed by academia, or subsume themselves in it. And the people who do fall in love are REALLY in love, and you understand why...

And somehow a book from 1935 feels far more interrogative of the possession (or lack thereof) found in love and romance, and just about the place of women in academia and relationships overall, than one from the late 80s. In Gaudy Night, Harriet accepts Peter once she has determined that despite their power differential (brought on by class, money, history, and to a degree gender) he will not threaten her personhood, because he has proven himself to her. In Possession, Maud accepts Roland because she has the power (money, class, position, even height) and so Roland actually cannot threaten her- and yet still that final scene is about her being taken by him, basically to prove some kind of a point. In contrast, in Busman's Honeymoon, the euphemistic sex scenes are about Peter trying to please Harriet.

When I say it's to prove a point, I'm paraphrasing Byatt, incidentally- who said: "And in the case of Maud I had made it very inhibiting. She was a woman inhibited both by beauty (which actually isn't very good for very beautiful women because they feel it isn't really them people love) and she was also inhibited by Feminism, because she had all sorts of theories that perhaps she would be a more noble kind of woman if she was a lesbian. And so she was a bit stuck. And Roland was timid because I am naturally good at timid men. It's the kind of men I happen to like. He's a timid thinking man, so of course it took him the whole book." I mean... yikes, but also that explains a lot. Maud can only bring herself to be with a man who is weak/effeminate (?) enough to justify whatever weird psyche Byatt has imagined up for her, but still she needs to get over her inhibitions and under him because... reasons. I don't know.

(Height is also interesting here as a point of contrast- Byatt makes Maud taller than Roland to make a point about how on the one hand she retains the power but on the other hand there is now even more of her that has to surrender. Peter and Harriet are the same medium height and wear the same size gown.)

I think the thing that most stuns me is how regressive Possession feels when it comes to gender politics on relationships than Gaudy Night does. I'd need a whole other post to talk about this, but the theme of Possession seems to me to be "relationships that produce things (whether art or children) are worth more than ones that don't." Roland is better with Maud than with Val because Val is a second rate scholar who drags him down (while supporting him financially) and Ash is better with LaMotte than with Ellen because LaMotte didn't only inspire his writing (Ellen's contributions are described only in the negative "didn't impede"), she gave him the child that Ellen refused to. Incidentally, in both cases it's the man pursuing a relationship that will give HIM something... But, to paraphrase Peter in Busman's Honeymoon, one wouldn't want to regard relationships in that agricultural light. Gaudy Night is about how two people can produce great things without each other but choose to be with each other for their own, and each other's, happiness. They aren't each less apart, and as I noted in a prior post, they don't need to solve cases together or conjoin their work in order for their relationship to be worth something. It is worth it for them to be together because it encourages some kind of inner balance within them and between them, as people. They enjoy collaborating but that is by no means the basis of their love (and, incidentally, I think that a lot of, if not most, detective series romances fail this basic test of "would they have fallen in love if they were accountants who met on a dating app." Peter and Harriet definitely would have- would, say, Albert Campion and Amanda Fitton have? I do NOT think so).

And here's the thing- another reason why Byatt's quote above is so off-putting is that it makes it clear that not only in the text but on a meta level, the purpose of the relationships is to prove a Point. I found Roland and Maud to have zero chemistry, and honestly I was expecting them to get together 3/4 of the way through and split up at the end when it turned out they had nothing in common- it seemed like that kind of book. I was kind of stunned when they only got together at the end in an "it's meant to be" way because nothing about it seemed meant to be. They were stuck together by that one thing and they each apparently needed the relationship for some kind of self-actualization or historical rhyming or other. (Whatever I say about Ash and LaMotte... at least they seemed to like each other!)

Peter and Harriet... they get together because they love each other. Do they change over the course of Gaudy Night, and over the course of the other books they share together? Of course they do. But if it makes sense, I'll put it this way- Harriet doesn't accept Peter's proposal as proof that she got over her hangups, Harriet gets over her hangups so that she can accept Peter's proposal. Her hangups only matter because they were keeping her from this particular kind of happiness- she was a fully actualized person even with them. She is a person who does things for human reasons so that she can build a mutually happy life with the person she loves, not a little plot mannequin being moved around in order to tell the author's desired Message. People can say what they want about Gaudy Night and its flaws, but despite the intricacies of its construction, nobody can call the characters' actions and motivations anything but brutally human.

Whether within their universes or on a meta level, the books have SUCH different things to say about the value and nature of love, the place of and purpose of sex, the place of art and intellectual accomplishment in relationships, all of the above in the context of femininity… and I can't help but feel that each time, Gaudy Night wins the contest. It's possible I'm missing something major about Possession, and maybe sometime I'll post the rest of my notes about the things I disliked and people can tell me what I'm wrong about- but if nothing else it made me appreciate Gaudy Night even more, so for that I'm grateful.

[dragons-bones]

FFXIV Write Entry #24: Sovenance

Prompt: refraction (free write!) || Master Post || On AO3

--

A wiggle here, a wiggle there, and pop!

Roksana tumbled to the ground with a whee! and Amandina followed a heartbeat later, landing lightly on her feet. Roksana got to her feet, giving herself a good shake, and the pair of carbunclets looked around.

…I think we took a wrong turn at the gemology lab, Amandina whispered, ears pinning back against her head.

Roksana cheeped agreement.

Above them, singing in chorus, were the enormous aether batteries that powered all the wards and protections in the Arcanists’ Guild. The laboratories, the libraries, the classrooms, even the special holding cells for dangerous cargo. Sunk into the last of the subbasements, deep beneath the floor of Galadion Bay, only seven people in the whole of the Guild had the access necessary to even reach this level.

Mommy was one of them, and she did not bring them or their siblings with her. Ever.

The twins pressed up against one another, staring with wide eyes. The aether here was thick and cloying, the giant clusters set into the batteries so potent that the wrong gesture could probably cause a spell to cast. Roksana’s nose twitched under the assault, and she sneezed.

Amandina headbutted her, and then slowly crawled forward on her belly, ears twitching and tails lashing. I dunno how to find our way out, she whispered. It’s hard to sense directions in here. My array feels…weird.

Itchy?

Yeah.

Me, too.

Roksana wriggled her way after her sister, craning her neck back to stare at the battery. The aethersong was loud, too, which was making it hard to think. She pawed at her ear, unsettled. The aethersong didn’t sound right, either.

I think one of the water crystals is broken, she chirped.

Amandina wrinkled her nose. Ew.

Yeah.

The two stared up at the battery together for a while longer, and then Amandina shuffled away to poke her nose into the far corners. Probably trying to find a spot where they could wiggle through the wards and into voidspace and back up to Mommy’s office, despite how sleepy and confused the aether was making them; Amandina was very good at finding spots like that. Too bad the spot they had come through was too high up on the wall, close to the ceiling, for them to reach.

Roksana’s attention, however, was still held by the aether battery. Maybe the water cluster wasn’t broken, but it wasn’t right, either. She sneezed again.

She ilmed a little closer, peering up at the battery. Maybe the cluster had a crack? Maybe it hadn’t been set properly?

She sat up on her hindlegs, nose twitching and ears flicking, and carefully reached up her paw. Maybe—

The pad of her paw brushed ever so gently against the metal of the battery casing.

[THE WATER IS POISON THE WATER IS POISON AND THEY HAVE CHANGED THE WATER IS POISON AND THEY HAVE CHANGED AND THEY WILL KEEP CHANGING EVER AND ON THE WATER IS POISON AND THEY HAVE CHANGED AND THEY WILL KEEP CHANGING EVER AND ON AND— THERE IS FIRE. THE WATER IS POISON AND THE WATER IS GONE IT IS FLASH-BOILED IN AN INSTANT LEAVING THE BEDS BARED AND DEAD AND DYING AND THERE IS NO WHERE FOR THE RIVER TO GO BECAUSE THE RIVER IS GONE AND SO IS THE OCEAN THEIR SIBLING IS NO LONGER WATER. THEIR SIBLING IS LEVIN. THE WATER RETURNS AND IT ROARS FROM UPSTREAM AND FROM THE SEA AND IT RUSHES INTO THE EMPTY WITH RAGE AND GRIEF AND HORROR AND IT IS TOO LATE FOR EVERYTHING IS DEAD EXCEPT THEM THE WATER IS POISON BUT IT IS A DIFFERENT POISON THE WATER IS POISON BUT IT IS A DIFFERENT POISON AND THEY HAVE CHANGED THE WATER IS POISON BUT IT IS A DIFFERENT POISON AND THEY HAVE CHANGED AND THEY WILL KEEP CHANGING EVER AND ON—]

Roksana was wrenched back into awareness, peeping at the top of her lungs and trying to curl into a ball to hide amongst her tails and cover her eyes with her paws, but she couldn’t, because she was currently dangling from Big Sister’s mouth as Big Sister leaped from the ground of the thirteenth basement and through the hole in the wards.

[Careless! Thoughtless! Always having to know even if it means trouble! This is why you are not supposed to wander!] Big Sister was furious, her harmonic no longer the familiar windchime but a howling gale, but for all her rage, she was the eye of the storm, cold and still and relentless.

Big Sister crawled through the spaces of reality, growling low in her throat and slapping aside wards with a paw or smacking away a clinging bit of magic with her tails, forcibly shortening the path between A and B in ways that made spoken gibber uselessly. They crawled for a heartbeat. They crawled for a myriad.

Then Big Sister was stepping into realspace, into Mommy’s office, hopping down from empty air with a commanding warble. Big Brother jerked awake, rolling off the couch, and scrambled over to join them at Roksana and Amandina’s basket.

What happened? he said.

Stupid baby sisters went wandering and touched things they shouldn’t, Big Sister grumbled, her harmonic back to normal. She dropped Roksana next to Big Brother, then turned and hunkered down, wind aether gathering along her haunches. Keep an eye on her, I need to get Amandina.

She leaped, and vanished back into the space between.

Fire and water normally didn’t mix well, but Big Brother had always tolerated her squishing into him because he was warm and it felt gooood, even if grumbled. He didn’t grumble today, though, as Big Brother loafed immediately in her basket and Roksana pressed her face into his side, peeping pathetically and shaking all over. Big Brother wasn’t good at comforting, not like Biggest Brother was, but he started purring immediately.

Roksana couldn’t remember why she was so scared, but she was, and Big Brother was helping, and that was what was most important.

Big Sister re-appeared in a flash of displaced aether, Mommy’s wards rippling, with Amandina hanging docile and contrite by her scruff from Big Sister’s mouth. Big Sister stalked over, deposited Amandina next to Roksana (Amandina immediately cuddled up to her, purring her tiny, squeaky purr), and then promptly loafed on top of them both, starting up a ferocious purr like storm shutters rattling in the wind.

Roksana was starting to feel much better. Big Sister and Big Brother would always keep her safe, and their aether was almost as comforting as Mommy’s or Papa’s.

Mama is going to be upset, Big Sister said primly.

Roksana felt bad again. Please don’t tell! I’m sorry!

Baby sister, if you don’t think Mama isn’t running full speed up the tower right now, you are sorely mistaken, Big Brother drawled.

The aetheric resonance was so strong we felt it through our foci, Big Sister said. Mama wears all our foci on her wrist, she knows something happened to you, and you [will not lie, am I understood?]

Roksana whined wordlessly, but slumped beneath her siblings. Okay… Thank you for saving me, Big Sister.

No thanks necessary, you little troublemaker. Big Sister’s harmonic was at least affectionate beneath the annoyance.

…How did you find us? Amandina chittered.

I followed my nose.

That made sense. Big Sister had the bestest nose in the whole of Mealvaan’s Gate. She could sniff out anything, anywhere.

How did you voidwalk?

I’m Eldest, Big Sister said, as if that explained everything. Which it did.

That was when Mommy burst into the office, chest heaving and breath a wheeze as she stumbled over, Bigger Brother right at her heels. “What happened?” she croaked, gently pushing Big Sister aside to scoop up Roksana and Amandina.

Mommy was scared, which meant she was mad, but even when mad, Mommy cuddles were the best. Roksana promptly burrowed into Mommy’s neck to hide as Amandina crawled up to perch on the opposite shoulder.

We went wandering, Amandina said quietly. And we took a wrong turn, and we ended up in the aether battery room.

I touched it, Roksana admitted. There’s a bad water crystal in it.

“Just touching something with a crystal component out of alignment shouldn’t have caused a reaction like that, my dears,” Mommy said, gently stroking her back and tails. “Can you remember what happened?”

No. I think it was scary, though. Still kinda scared.

Aetheric resonance, Big Sister said, harmonic grim. I think one of the clusters is from the Yafaemi Estuary.

Roksana didn’t know what that meant, but Mommy did, because she said a bad word in Abanian. She didn’t feel like asking what aetheric resonance was right now. Maybe later.

Mommy was upset, and she and Amandina were definitely grounded, but Roksana was warm, and safe, and home, snuggled up with her Mommy and the comforting sound and smell of her aether. Everything would be okay, even if it meant no cake for a sennight.

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[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache

[origin-spirits-of-the-past]

Agito + Plant Body Horror

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Oh the adhd is winning right now - I’m going on holiday in the morning - I still haven’t packed my suitcase - I am going to be doing the mad sprint around the house trying to pack in the 10 minutes before I leave!

Placing bets on what vitally important items I’m going to forget to take!!

[bingsucks]

FUCK my mind is being taken over by a crossover idea for two very different shows (that share zero fandom they're not even the same medium) and I will absolutely never stop talking about it. god I love crossovers and also hate them