#Attempt at Humor

[delicatedarknight]

Tim: so why should we select you?

Guy A: I'm rich and handsome

Dick: Bruce is literally a billionaire. are you saying you are more rich than him?

Jason: and handsome? Don't make me laugh you look worse than our family dog.

Guy A: ex-xcuse me??

Damian: you are excused. Now get out

Tim: and what about you?

Guy b: I can protect him

Damian: protect?? dad??

Dick: [scoffs] It's like saying you can protect Batman.

Guy b: but he ain't Batman though

Jason: bitch he might be

Damian: where did you even find these people Tim?

Jason: seriously? imagine saying u can protect Batman

Dick: nah bruh imagine flexing money and looks on Bruce

Tim: ok guys this is the last candidate for the day

Tim: so what makes you special?

Clark: I can cook for him

Jason:[snorts] What if you can cook for him? How can it help our Bruce?

Clark: I'm sorry I'm not as rich as him but I can cook, clean, and care for him

Dick: have you brought anything to claim your statement.

Clark:[places the pie] I brought this Kansas special apple pie-

Damian:[already on his second slice] ae-ets gsoo ghuuud

Jason, Tim, and Dick fighting for the last piece

Clark: uh..soo

Damian:[clears his throat] You are selected.

Dick: Definitely

Jason: prepare your vows

Tim: btw who recommended you? Because you have a really ordinary background

Clark: oh it was Bruce

[collective HUH from batkids]

Clark: [snickering] It was to get approved by you guys

[collective even louder HA]

Clark: [laughing] That's because we are already dating

[collectively yelling WHAT]

Clark: [changing into Superman] hate to leave like this on our first meet but Metropolis needs me

[collective screaming]

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Mid life crisis? Yeah, I'd have a crisis too if my life was mid

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

I Saw The New HB Short & I Had A Cursed Idea.

[cmorris-art]

Dan vs Phil Shuffleboard – All or Nothing

Largely inspired by this tweet

[my--strange--world--sg]

I don't know why I imagine Jace coming back from Winterfell, normal, all happy and finding out about his brother's death and he would be like: "So... Isn't it a good time to say that I broke my wedding vows to Baela and I just fucked fucking Cregan Stark? And yes you were right mother, we did have a lot in common."

Baela's face says it all

S.G.

[astrinde]

Twilight x Interview with the Vampire.

[massivespacewren]

Last super quick scribble for the Winteriron Server Flash Bingo, this time for the prompt "oops". Big shout out to the server people for discussing ideas <3

[flowers-in-your-basement]

sam is many things, runaway, almost-college-graduate,great at holding grudges, incestuously in love with his brother. And he's okay with most of that- although he still can't forgive dean for that for that time he used his favorite shirt to clean off monster slime. And well, he always wanted to go back to college. Yeah okay, enough ignorance of the large, incestuous elephant in the room. So, in love with his brother. How is that? "Gameshow contestant #1 how's the incest" it's a really stupid image and it makes him laugh an embarrassing amount.

The i-word used to scare him. Is that funny? probably. He used to lay awake at night telling himself that it couldn't be incest because that's gross and abnormal and he's not gross or abnormal.

Yeah, he used to be a delusional bitch. It was only after college that he finally got over himself and started calling a pipe a pipe. It's fine actually. It's not like he had a normal childhood. Besides it's not like dean feels the same. Right?

[mistress-of-vos]

r/Relationships DemonKing123

Estimated audience, I (immortal male) am dating a lovely young man (23). We are exquisitely infatuated with each other, and we shall marry next spring on my palace during a full moon as tradition dictates.

Nevertheless, it seems our families despise our engagement. While my fiancee and I hold no blood ties, he happens to be the adopted son of my youngest daughter's ex partner, who is also the biological father of my grandson. My fiancee and I do not care, and we don't agree with these complaints labeling us a home wreckers.

Yet I have found myself receiving false accusations coming from my very own children, who seem to not understand biology or psychology. My fiancee and I met at Paris winters ago, both of us in a moment where family was a bitter memory and we were looking forward to be our own people. It offends me when others dare to imply we fell in love to spite our families, as if we hadn't crushed into each other under the rain and suddenly realized what was missing in our lives.

This is, my estimated audience, why I come here to you and ask: "Is it incest to marry the adoptive child of your daughter's ex boyfriend?

Is it perhaps uncomfortable if my fiancee happens to be the biological son of said ex boyfriend's new wife (my grandson's stepmother?)?

And why would my fiancee and I be wrong, yet my grandson is considered adorable when declaring he will be the one to marry my fiancee?"

SizeQueenTwink F**k your boring family. Marry your fiancee!

CatholicAvenger I believe your family might feel that your relationship holds certain "incest" due to their very own relationships. However, as you said, there are no blood ties. People are just haters, my (ex) boss almost killed me when I dated his adoptive son.

AlienPrince Wait, how did you meet in Paris if he's the adoptive son of your ex son in law??? You never knew your grandson had a stepbrother/adoptive brother??? This sounds weird dude. How old are you??? 🧐

SizeQueenTwink Who caresssssss!!! Age is a social construct. I bet your fiancee is beautiful, intelligent & would adore a big silver diamond ring for the proposal ❣️

DemonHeir Well, maybe your grandson is worthier of your fiancee than you. Have you considered that, old man?

*This conversation has been frozen by an admin*

[coolbattlegirl]

Sato just wanted to carry egg Malleus for a little longer…

[delicatedarknight]

Bruce: what makes you good for my son?

Kon: what is there that I lack? I'm perfect for your son

Jason: I would say he lacks common sense

Dick[sighing]: describe why you love Tim?

Kon: he is a huge coffee addict, the Robin costume looks ugly but I guess those are the things that make him look hella attractive not to mention he has a great as-

Bruce, Damian, Jason & Dick [ready with their weapons on Kon's neck]: be careful how you finish that sentence

Kon[flying out of the window]: HE GOT A GREAT ASS

[An hour later]

Metropolis reporter: today's breaking news Batman and the Robins are chasing after Superboy while throwing profanities. Oh wait we see Red Hood let's ask him about the situation

Reporter: Red Hood what brings you all to the metropolis today?

Red Hood: oh it's just a family outing to promote tourism to Gotham not like we are trying to make Superboy disappear from the face of the earth and bury him somewhere. Now now where did our Superboy kid run off to now?

Reporter:

[In Kent house hold]

Kon: Dad...you know I love you soo much right?

Clark[sighing]: what did you do this time?

Kon: Dad you gotta protect me they are coming for me

Clark: they who?

Kon: the bat fa-

[Window breaking and batfam entering]

Kon[already using Clark as human shield]: they are here dad

Bruce: Clark stay out of this

Clark[confused]: what did he do for the whole bat family to chase after him

Damian: ask him yourself

Clark: so what did you do?

Kon[shyly grinning]: I complimented Tim's ass..

Clark: I mean I see where you are coming from..I mean Bruce also has a great ass..but that's not the point now.

Dick: guess it's time to end the whole Superman bloodline

Jason: deviation in the plan now it's both dad-son duo

Clark: Can I say something before I die?

Bruce[with kryptonite]: you may speak

Clark: Bruce I always wanted to tell you something, you look really beautiful, and last Thursday, you looked amazing in those black undies.

[Collective batfam screaming and fighting] 

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Fuck "gender transition", it should be "metamorph a cis"

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

NUzi Shenanigans

[pointpilot]

Untitled Labru Fic

synopsis: laios indulges kabru in his childhood country bumpkin lifestyle. laios is a freak AND kabru learns something about himself

word cont: 935

inspired by my post here

-

“Did you know you can eat these, Kabru?”

Securing his hands around the base of a branch and a leaf which it was tethered to, a rip was heard as he took the leaf into his delicate hand. 

“I supposed I didn’t.” Kabru replied, attentive eyes following the rich green leaf now in front of him. He noticed the fronds had a sort of peach fuzz to them as they caught themselves in the orangey-blue sky. “These are called Winauk leaves, they come from Winauk trees. I’d be careful with eating them all the time, though.” Laios aimlessly waved the leaf around.

“Why?” Kabru queeried, arms folded as he lay his back against this tree. Before looking up at Laios, he admired the open field they relaxed in, tall grass swaying whichever way in the wind while rays of heat gently tingled their skin. 

“Invasive beetles from the Eastern Archipelago are known to carry fungi that infest the leaves. If you eat this leaf with the fungi present, you could get a really bad disease.” 

Laios threw the leaf in his mouth. 

Dumbass!!! Then why would you eat it!?

Kabru screamed in his mind, he then started to say this aloud, but his words came out like this:

“Oh, is that safe to eat then?” He asked with a gentle smile of concern, pointing to Laios’ mouth as he obnoxiously chewed, the blond sitting himself next to him. “I’ve eaten these so much as a child that I can taste the difference. Want one? I’ll taste test it for you!” He gestured his hand towards the branches of the tree. “I promise they’re really good. Almost minty.”

Kabru had an ultimatum. Keep a friendly, albeit flirty relationship with Laios to continue to truly see how his crazy-ass ticked, or get a disease and die. Truly, he was interested in Laios’ history and how it shaped him into the person he is now. Which is why he went out into the vast rural lands of Melini with him to indulge in Laios’ former rural lifestyle. Kabru knew how much he missed his homeland, and used this as an apt opportunity to become closer to him, while also being curious as to what this entailed. 

“I’ll try a leaf.” Kabru forcefully beamed, splaying his palm out so a Winauk leaf could be placed in that empty space. Laios beamed back, rushing up to grab a leaf for Kabru. In all honesty it was quite adorable how excited Laios became introducing Kabru to his former lifestyle. Oh well, it is what it is. If he truly did get sick, Falin could work her magic. 

-----

The next day, Kabru surprisingly didn’t become severely ill and die. Today he walked beside Laios in one of Melini’s many produce fairs. This was the norm for any rural type of area anywhere, and Laios was just geeked to see it. 

Many farmers had their best produce up for sale, beautiful vegetables, fruits, and even monster foods such as basilisk eggs and mimic claws to name a few. Kabru clutched Laios’ flushed arm harder once he saw a sign indicating harpy eggs were for sale, though.  

As they continued to walk through the colorfully vibrant fair, Laios saw something in particular that piqued his interest. 

“Kabru, look! I’d love for you to try these!” Kabru curiously picked his head up from his melting exorcism sorbet, dripping onto his fingers. He opted to just get rid of it as he was getting tired of the sorbet, chucking it in the nearest trash bin. 

By the time he turned around to what Laios was pointing at, his face scrunched and contorted in a way he thought he never could. But only Laios could make him do that.

WILD ANTS AND CRICKETS

No.

Dear goodness no.

This was nowhere near treasure bugs. Monsters had a sort of magical feel to them, a feel that separated them from regular, everyday insects that didn’t feed off of mana, but fed off of the disgusting dung and sediment of the earth.

Kabru’s resolve broke.

“I’m sorry Laios, but—”

Laios had the most joyous expression on his face, placing an order for two small bags of (thankfully) dead crickets and ants. He held them in his hands and beamed towards Kabru. “Falin and I would go out and eat these all the time! Personally my favorite is cheddar crickets, but these’ll do.” 

And just like that, Kabru realized something.

Laios would probably never have an opportunity like this again. He chose Kabru to come with him not only because he cared, but because deep in his heart he knew Kabru was the only person that’d willingly indulge in his fun activities. 

Kabru also didn’t want Laios’ fond memories of them together to be fabricated all for the sake of studying him. 

He genuinely enjoyed Laios’ company, no matter how crazy he was. 

He enjoyed walking barefoot in the tall grass while being surrounded by Winauk trees, he enjoyed how Laios would take him to secret vibrant strawberry patches, and especially enjoyed playing with village dogs together, running with the dogs in wide, open fields.

He obviously despised eating potentially diseased leaves and right now, didn’t even want to look at an insect.

But in a world where resurrection is common, he could die over and over for Laios and deem each of those deaths worth it. It wasn’t like he hasn’t died numerous times already. The only difference now is that he’d die a million times with purpose.

“I’ll eat both.” Kabru gave Laios a closed eyed grin. 

Kabru threw up the insects five minutes later.

[sxfwap]

Romancing the Princess of Hearts || Chapter 1: Same Old Feeling

Chapter 2 —>

Pairing: Bridget (Descendants) X Reader

Summary: Ever since you’ve been transferred to The Merlin Academy you’ve had a crush on the Princess of Wonderland herself, who you quickly became best friends with.

Of course, she doesn’t know and you weren’t brave enough to tell her either… but how much time could you keep such feelings to yourself?

Word count: 1856

Warnings: None, just straight up fluff!!! (Bc I live laugh love it)

You were walking around the courtyard of the Merlin Academy, accompanied by your two best friends Bridget and Ella, enjoying the day by chatting with them.

“Alright guys, I need to go now. I did promise that ‘charming’ guy that I was going to help him out with his homework.” Ella said reluctantly, rolling her eyes as if to emphasize her annoyance.

“If by ‘homework’ you mean subtly flirting with one another, then go ahead my dearest friend.” You teased and after seeing Ella’s face reddened you burst out laughing, Bridget joining in.

“We do not–”

“Don’t you dare keep him waiting, El! Go on now!” Bridget commented, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture while sporting a grin of her own, earning a glare from the blue haired.

“So, so, serious… what do you think Charming will say when he sees you like that?” You couldn’t help but annoy her once again. After all, her flustering (to comments about the guy she has absolutely zero feelings for) and a certain princess’s laugh were worth it.

“I’m so done with you two– you especially, Y/n.” Ella remarked, pointing a finger at you. “I’ll see you later!” She said, leaving both you and Bridget on your own.

You were about to make a retort, when you heard from your side that someone cleared their throat.

“So, Y/n, I’ve been wondering… Castlecoming is only a few days away, isn’t it amazing?!” Bridget exclaimed, her face brighting with happiness as a beaming smile broke onto her soft face.

“This will be my first time attending it since I’ve been transferred here, so I’m very curious to see it with my very own eyes.” You teased, to which Bridget blushed slightly. After all, both Bridget and Ella (Bridget mostly) have been talking nonstop about how wonderful and how big of an event this one was. “I still don’t have a date though.”

“Me neither.” Bridget declared with a small frown. “That makes me think however, would you… would you want to go with… me?” She asked, hopeful, though her expressive brown eyes were giving away her own nervousness.

“Are you serious, B?”

“I have never been more serious in my life!” She uttered out, and you couldn’t believe just how adorable she was being.

“Of course! I’d love to go with you!”

“Wonderful!” She said as she wrapped her arms around you in a tight hug, to which you of course returned. “If it means anything…” she pulled out, but still having you by arm’s length. “I–I have been wanting to ask you for quite some time now.”

“And… why’s that?” You asked, looking as her cheeks turned red once more, biting her lower lip.

“I…” Bridget stammered.

“You…?” You tried to get her to answer when suddenly, a distant voice hit your ears. You looked around yourself discreetly, noticing that it was just you and your best friend, surely it was a product of your imagination.

“I love you!” Bridget blurted out, shutting her eyes tightly as if to protect herself from the inevitable rejection that would be coming from you. Or so she thought.

“Y/n.” The voice spoke once more, this time, you could catch it was calling out to you.

You decided to ignore it however, because for sure you couldn’t believe that finally, finally it was happening. Bridget, the princess of Wonderland, who you had have a crush on since your firsts days in the Academy has just told you she loves you! You even thought she was very brave (more than you at least) in choosing to express her feelings.

Truly a dream come true.

Your hands found their ways to Bridget’s cheeks, cupping her dearly face gently. “Could you open your eyes for me, B?”

Reluctantly, Bridget opened them up, her own hands coming up to her face to be atop yours. “Yes…?”

“I… love you too, Bridget.” Your smile reached your ears, noticing the way her face lightened up, it gave you courage to continue. “I have been… for quite some time, actually.”

“Y/n?” That voice. Again. Although this time, you could recognize its sweet yet worrying tone. And wait, were you shaking?

No, you wouldn’t let anyone or anything take away what you have been waiting for as long as you have. Even if this ‘voice’ had a certain resemblance.

“Are you okay, cupcake?” Bridget asked in a worrisome way, lowering both your hands down, still holding them tightly.

“Cupcake?” You blushed at the sudden use of the nickname. Weird. You’ve never heard her call anyone anything like that.

“Perhaps I have the recipe to make you feel better.” She smiled shyly.

“Recipe?”

Bridget smiled once more, before slowly, almost carefully, leaning into you. Her eyes shutting down as the proximity between you kept closing in.

No way this was happening, no way! Bridget not only asked you to be her date to Castlecoming, but has also confessed her love for you and now she wanted to kiss you? In the same day? There’s no way you could be this lucky.

There’s no way this is real.

“Y/n!”

Your eyes opened up quickly, perhaps too quickly as now the brightness of the room hit you hard. The hands that were positioned on your shoulders letting go.

“Finally! Oh, are you alright? I’ve never seen you sleep so soundly!” A sweet-toned worriedly voice asked. Except, this was not any sweet-toned voice this was the voice.

“Bridget?!” Your brain finally was starting to wake up as you took a look around your surroundings in a still somewhat sleepy state and sure enough, you were in your room, in your bed and no one other than the Princess of Wonderland herself was hovering over you. But what was Bridget doing here? “W–What are you doing here? And how did you get in? You’ve seen me sleep before?!”

The pink voluminous haired girl’s cheeks reddened at your questions, before standing up to give you some space. “W–Well… we are supposed to go together to professor Merlin’s class, but you weren’t answering the door!” She defended herself with a pout. It was true though, since both you, her and Ella got to share this class together, you decided to just go together as a group. “I was worried sick about you!” She confessed, her words coming out of her mouth in a concerned manner.

But then again, why was Bridget alone waiting for you? If Ella wasn’t here could that mean that…

“Wait… are we… are we running late?!” You cried out, choosing to ignore, or rather said, save her last few words to dwell on another time.

── ⋆⋅ ♡ ⋅⋆ ──

After a few more minutes of you changing into whatever clothes you could find (though Bridget still called your outfit cute), you both finally set off to class.

And it just so happens that Bridget couldn’t keep her hands—or rather said arms to herself as she had to link it with yours. Not that it bothered you in any way, but rather that after growing a massive crush on her and having such a dream, it made you blush.

The classroom door slammed open.

“Oh, fantastic! I was beginning to think you were not going to show up Bridget, Y/n.” Professor Merlin said, turning around from whatever it was that he was doing, smiling kindly. Inevitably, this made you both the center of attention to the rest of the class.

Gods, why did teachers always have to call out their students like that?

An embarrassing blush made its way to your face yet again. What a way to start the day.

Looking to the side of the classroom you spotted Ella sitting with no one other than Prince Charming himself. You made a quick mental note to bother her about it once class ended.

“Good morning, professor!” Bridget greeted, her own cheeks slightly taking in color, quickly moving to the closest desk with you in tow.

“Alright class, now that we’re all here, we can continue on where we left off last week…” Professor Merlin continued on, talking about this certain potion that you really should have paid more attention to.

“Y/n, could you pass me the griffin claw, please? I’ve got to stir this up.” Bridget asked, pointing to it with a smile. Right, thankfully she was here.

You watched as she started to stir the ingredients in the cauldron, and you rapidly grabbed a flask to throw into the mix too.

You gave a quick glance to the girl at your side. “So… are you going to tell me how in the name of Merlin did you break into my room?” You questioned.

“I didn’t break into your room!” Bridget whispered-yelled, but upon seeing your smirk, she knew you weren’t mad at her for it. With a small smile, she looked down as she continued stirring the potion. “And as I already told you, you weren’t answering. I knocked three times even.”

“Hmm…” You squinted your eyes looking at her with a fake suspicion look. “And am I supposed to take that as an answer?”

“Why, of course!” She smiled widely in an innocent manner.

“Sure, sure, keep evading the question all you want but I will find out about it, princess.”

“It was for your own good. Oh! That makes me wonder, were you having a dream– or was it a nightmare? That’s why you couldn’t wake up, right? Were you having a sleep paralysis?!” Bridget rambled on, her face taking in a worried expression.

A sudden ‘shh!’ could be heard from the front as you both turned to look at Professor Merlin giving you a warning look. Or as ‘warning’ as he could, given that he wasn’t that much of a serious teacher and he knew you both were good students.

“What? No, Gods, no.” You laughed slightly at her implications. “Don’t worry about it, B. It was nothing like that.”

Bridget sighed, content to know that at least you weren’t in a bad situation. “So, it was a dream.” She summarized, glancing at your form from the corner of her eyes.

You stayed silent for a few seconds, debating on how much you were going to tell her, because surely you wouldn’t lie to her. Bridget took the opportunity to add a few more ingredients into the cauldron.

“Maybe.”

Is it considered a lie if you’re giving a half averting answer?

“Who’s evading the question now, hmm?” The pink haired smirked.

And Gods, how that smirk made your already fast beating heart want to get out of your ribcage and shout to the entire world how much you loved her.

If only.

Already lost in the beauty of your friend, you failed to notice how one pair of eyes seemed to be looking at you both, rolling her eyes at your– as she had properly phrased it– obvious love-struck staring.

And failed to notice your dear professor coming up.

“We’re done, professor!” Bridget said, loudly enough for you to take in your surroundings. You blinked a few times, looking at your professor with a smile of your own.

A/N: SOOO I wasn’t planning on watching the movie in the first place, but my fyp started flooding with Bridget edits and I fell in love and here we are! 👹👹 her and redcharming saved that movie frfr

I posted the first 2 chapters on ao3 with my user LostInCrushes and I thought why not post it here too? So here we are! I’ll post chapter 2 tomorrow to have it on my tumbrl as well and also I’m working on part 3 right now! Which will most likely be the longest chapter (for now at least) and that’s why it’s taking me the longest to set up SO I APOLOGIZE 😭😭

English is not my first language so feel free to correct any mistake or give me a piece of advice or criticism on my writing style!

Thank you so much for reading!!! 🩷🩷🩷

[steviewashere]

They Were Roommates

This is a text fic! All the tags and such are on AO3, but here's a snippet below of what to expect <3

Rated Mature for sexual themes

Pairings: Steddie, Stobin, Platonic Hellcheer, Robin & Eddie, Robin/Chrissy

—————

Robin has created a group chat with two other people

Robin: the next time you guys resolve the issues you two idiots create for each other, can you let me know ahead of time? you’re lucky I didn’t bring Chrissy home with me from class.

Eddie: I don’t know what you’re talking about nothing happened

Robin: I thought somebody brought home a girl, but it was just Steve.

Steve: Do I sound like a pretty girl at least?

Robin: the prettiest, but seriously. 

Robin: I don’t need to hear you guys getting it on while I’m trying to eat my after school taco.

Eddie: don’t you need Chrissy for that ??

Robin: I’m going to put nair in your shampoo.

Steve liked a message: "the prettiest, but seriously."

Steve: I’m ordering pizza. You guys want cheesy bread?

Robin: Yes!

Eddie: plz? With the garlic dip too 🥺 ??

Steve liked a message: "plz? with the garlic dip too 🥺 ??"

Robin: you text like a bottom

Steve: Trust me, he’s not. ;)

Robin: uggghhhhh!! I’m so proud of you two but also go fuck yourselves, you turds

————— Read the rest on AO3