#Are they emotionally manipulating me or do I not know the practical difference between emotional manipulation and conversation

[amazing-shit-went-down]

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[falllpoutboy]

Hello guys. OG tarot here once again. I was looking at how long 🦈and 🐍 will be together. (sidebar I just realized M's symbol was a snake I thought it was dragon.  lol why ya'll do her like that? )

I did this reading as a collective. I didn't look at individual feelings or intentions because I did that in the prior reading. The current energy around them (Their subconscious energy), their conscious energy, and how things will go should they continue on this path is what I am sensing.

Anyway, the cards tell me 2 to 3 months. The relationship didn't start off with a good foundation in the first place, truth be told. But lets see what the energy is telling me about the future dynamic. I pulled (The hermit upright, King of cups in reverse, king of pentacles in reverse, the hierophant in reverse, knight wands in reverse, 7 of swords, 10 of wands, 10 of cups, 5 of cups)... I'm viewing this draw vertically (The hermit on top and knight of wands in reverse bottom)  Someone will get bored with the other. There'll be no spice or passion  left (knight of wands in reverse) It's like getting something you want then finding soon after it's not what you want anymore.  There is a need for caution and  warning against impulsivity and recklessness. The hermit says there'll be a block in self-reflection for change or advancement in the relationship. They will both have to think of themselves when a separation occurs.

(with King of cups reversed and 7 of sword upright) Someone will become even more emotionally unavailable. There'll be a lot emotional instability between these two. Someone will be suspicious of intentions, behaviors, not trusting, accusations of cheating or cheating (allegedly.) All the conflict and arguing could lead to a lack of empathy and compassion between these two. There will be a front at first, putting on a brave face and pretending things are good  when it isn't. that's kind of happening in their current dynamic now while they  try to make it work.

Things will become more ungrounded and unstable and burdensome.(King of Pentacles in reverse and ten of wands). jealously, possessiveness, manipulation and controlling behavior may all be issues in the relationship. Someone has baggage. Ten of wands came up for these two before which signifies problems from the beginning of the relationship. The relationship will become a burden to one if not both  There'll not be a lot patience or understanding because of this. Again, the theme seems to be "think about yourself and your needs. your actions. Your values, but one or both isn't doing that. (the hierophant in reverse and the 10 of cups underneath) signifies getting into a relationship because it was practical in a way, but there's no spice. No excitement. It has become dull. The hierophant, the major card, is in reverse and it's saying their values don't align which will be difficult to create a future for a relationship. The outcome is (The five of cups). Loss of a relationship. Sadness, separation, break up.

So there you have it. 🦈and 🐍's   future doesn't look okay. There are a lot of problems. their world views are different, but not in a good way and not in a way both will be willing to compromise on.  No relationship is perfect of course, but they seem to have come together for the wrong reasons. Both self serving in some way instead of genuine interest for the long term. Like I said they are trying to make things work. They do like each other. They do have feelings, but I don't' see romance. I don't even see lust anymore. It's not a slow burn. They aren't falling. I saw romance in the beginning, but it's not there now.  🦈is trying to prioritize 🐍 and see if his perspective will change. 🐍 is trying to put on a brave face while quieting her insecurities/hiding her real intentions but  it's really not working or enough.

Again this is tarot and it could change, nothing is ever set in stone  but i don't know. The cards I keep pulling say the same things. Til’next time. I got one more in me then I’ll be taking a break.

No relationship is perfect of course, but they seem to have come together for the wrong reasons. Both self serving in some way instead of genuine interest for the long term.

oh shiiiit

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi! I have a hard time owning my feminine energy, especially within romantic relationships with men, because I’m not having children. So if I’m not going to be the one carrying and raising children, then it’s hard for me to see the equality between the 2 if I still want a soft life. Does that make sense? Can you shed some light on that?

Hi love! Personally, I don't see any validity in this take as it sounds inundated in the patriarchy and patriarchal language. The equity of men and women in a relationship has to do with their individual capabilities to emotionally support themselves and their partner through different life situations/stages and communicate with each other effectively to ensure both partners' needs are being met, boundaries are respected, and preferences are attended to out of delight, not nagging or manipulation, all while learning to work together as a team to ensure your individual life needs are being met (bills/finances, jobs and career outlook, family planning and relationships, lifestyle habits, socializing needs, etc.).

What works for every couple is different. If both parties are happy with an arrangement and it does not place one party in a position of power over the other (like financial abuse or emotional blackmail), you are in a mutually-beneficial, therefore, equitable, relationship.

I don't know exactly what you mean by "soft life," as they're many interpretations of that phrase nowadays, but a mutually-beneficial relationship is an equitable relationship. Women are not defined by their wombs or homemaking capabilities. If you choose to take on these roles enthusiastically and in a way that doesn't leave you physically, emotionally, or financially vulnerable to be controlled by your partner, more power to you.

I believe that embracing your feminine energy in romantic relationships involves implementing the following practices:

Allowing yourself to embrace the fun, creative sides of yourself and share them with others. Get dressed up in your full glam for your date nights, wear the seductive perfume and lingerie at night, make the ravishing homecooked, candlelit dinner, etc. if you desire to create beautiful shared experiences. All because YOU want to do these things, and it genuinely makes you feel good to express this creative side of yourself.

Embrace your emotional side and the ability to be vulnerable about your feelings. Once someone passes your vetting process to the point of partnership status, learn to let go and express your emotions with this person. Nothing is more satisfying to the soul than feeling safe enough to be your authentic, vulnerable self, especially after a long day of performing with a hard exterior or other experiences that make everyday life frustrating (annoying coworker, demanding work project on deadline, traffic, the grocery store being out of an item you needed, etc.). Invite deep conversations, the right to cry, laugh, express authentic joy and excitement about things you fear others might find silly or mundane, and share your fears without worrying about being judged.

Learn how to get out of your own head and get your sexual needs met. You do not owe any man any sexual acts or a performance. Sex and surrounding intimate acts should be mutually pleasurable and gratifying. Speak up for what you want. Allow the attention to be solely focused on you at times. Don't worry about how you're perceived in bed for enjoying yourself. Any man should know he's lucky to be there.

Enjoy your interests freely (and frequently) without apologizing. Don't allow someone to put you down for loving certain activities, hobbies, entertainment, etc., especially more feminine ones (such as reality TV or caring about certain music/home decor/food preferences, etc.). They're not silly because the patriarchy doesn't give them the gold star of approval. All interests that don't harm others and bring you joy are valid.

Celebrate your uniquely feminine traits, routines, and habits unapologetically. PMS, menstrual routines and energy level fluctuations, greater needs for sleep in general, strict skincare routines, nightly rituals, hair removal and nail routines, need to turn down the AC, introduce certain sex toys into the bedroom, drink less alcohol, eat differently, workout differently, the time needed to gossip with your friends and go out to chat with your women friends weekly, etc. Remember that your preferences or needs are not lesser than because of your biology. In the context of a cishet relationship, this often means learning how to not feel inferior for being biologically female as well as some socialized traits like our engrained bias to maintain broader social networks, take more pleasure in putting effort into our appearances, etc. (generalizing here, I know, don't worry).

Know this was a long reply, but I think it's super important information to keep in mind. Signed, a fellow child-free-by-choice woman who doesn't want to deal with the stress of anyone else's B.S. either (especially a romantic partner, what a mood-killer).

Hope this helps xx

[twst-hanaya]

Twisted Wonderland Hogwarts Houses: Heartslabyul

This is Part 1 of a 7 part series.

Just thought it would be fun I think about which Hogwarts House would suit each boy the best, and explain why I chose the ones I did.

I wrote this while I was suffering through finals so please don't expect quality, it was escapist indulgence that lead me to write this post.

As always, this is just my personal opinion. Feel free to give your own!

Riddle Rosehearts

Ravenclaw

Because he's an absolute nerd. Not much else to say about this one honestly. Get that valedictorian seat you little red gremlin.

Ok but if I have to elaborate. Man is strong and all but has no rizz, so Gryffindor is out. Slytherin would be dishonorable for him because he is a goody two shoes, and would agree with the idea that the ends justify the means. Hufflepuff is all about hard work and all, but his work ethic is less about fairness and more about winning academically, against everyone. This is very Slytherin of him, but ultimately Ravenclaw is winning out on this one.

Trey Clover

Slytherin

Now hear me out on this - I know that he's like the Dad of the squad and all, but I don't think Hufflepuff suits him. Sure, he takes good care of his underclassmen and fellow dorm students as Vice Housewarden, and he makes snacks and feeds everyone, but this man is first and foremost about keeping the peace, and doesn't care about sentimentality. He's all about practicality.

It was a big part of the story that he didn't have the courage to face Riddle as his friend, and his actions in the midst of that conflict was to take the easy way out (emotionally and mentally), by soothing Riddle's temper as well as the dorm student's anger at the unfair treatment, rather then dealing with the heart of the matter.

In his Lab Coat personal story, we can see that he's actually got a fairly dry personality. Jade is surprised to hear that Trey doesn't mind giving up the strawberries he put effort into growing, thinking that he would want to put his heartfelt affection for Riddle into the tart he was making for him, but Trey explains that Riddle can't really tell the difference between high quality ingredients and good-enough, and ultimately it's about satisfying his demands. Him using the strawberries he was growing was just because he so happened to have them on hand, not because he was set on using them for Riddle.

I just think this practicality oriented mindset, with the goal of "peace", is very Slytherin like.

Cater Diamond

Hufflepuff

I considered this a lot, because I know there's supposed to be a bit of a depressive side to his character that he doesn't really show others, but ultimately I felt that it fit him the most.

Cater is an expert at reading the room and managing people's emotions and perceptions in a way that Trey simply can't mimic. He's great at networking and connecting to others, and is a great mood maker.

Gryffindor would have been too bold of a house for him, as he's not one to push his own feelings forward and is focused on keeping a fun energy which makes him more of a people-pleaser type than the charismatic types that are more common in Gryffindor.

Slytherin also doesn't really suit him because while he can be as sneaky as any other NRC student, he's not particularly ambitious. You could say he's manipulative, but it's more for the sake of keeping everything "happy" rather than for any practical benefit of his own.

Ace Trappola

Slytherin

He's just such a sly little bastard you know? Classic teen behavior and all that, but dude is literally just the kind of person you wanna - *wrings neck, with affection*.

I also considered Gryffindor, but I would say his snarky little asshole side is stronger. He'll (for the most part) take the easy way out of a situation rather than do something for the sake of his pride / competitiveness, although he's not immune to doing so. As I said: classic teenager. Ultimately, another one who cares more out but the ends than the means.

Deuce Spade

Gryffindor

He's so perfect for the home of lions, don't you think? And while he doesn't have rizz, he's very straightforward and honest about what he thinks. I considered Hufflepuff because of this, but I felt that he was more energetic and competitive, so Gryffindor it was. Also despite his supposed efforts to become a model student, he's not really trying that hard is he? lol. Studying is a bitch when you really don't know how to study.

[siderealmaven]

Happy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Virgo!

Cards: 2 of Cups and Justice from the Tarot Manara

This is our first eclipse of 2024 and will be followed by a Solar Eclipse in Pisces on April 8th. This two week period, as well as the two weeks before and after, are what I will be referring to as “Eclipse Szn.”

During Eclipse Szn, I often emphasize the importance of rest. Ancient Astrologers believed eclipses to be malefic events, heralding the birth and death of kings, nations, and peoples. For the average person, this can be a tremulous time to be out and about as emotions are highly charged and people are more reactive than usual. Even if there is not an external commotion of energy taking up your atmosphere right now, there is surely something internal within all of us that is shifting like tectonic plates, revealing to us parts of ourselves once hidden.

If you have the ability and privilege, I would always recommend getting as much rest as you can during Eclipse Szn, because I view it as my responsibility as an astrologer to advise others in the same way that I would advise my loved ones. Which is to not pile more on your plate, to not push things that will get done in their own time, and to prioritize taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically, as Eclipse Szn is when we need this care the most.

While some may try to harness this energy into something productive, the truth is that pushing, forcing, and using speed at this time can be detrimental to your goals, especially as Mercury enters Aries today, where it will soon Retrograde. Whatever it is you think you are forcing to happen now, just might slide back and require a rework because you rushed into something that requires meticulous patience.

The 2 of Cups calls upon us to consider our relationships at this time, from your relationship to yourself to your relationship with your family, friends, coworkers, and community, etc. This is a card that speaks to a pure and innocent connection where both partners feel safe embodying their full emotions and sense of self. A connection without judgement, manipulation, or expectation; just a dedication to seeing and accepting the other person as they are, whatever that may look like at any given time.

The Justice card asks us to consider the cause and effect of these relationships, both externally and internally. What are the tangible physical and emotional consequences of engaging in these relationships? Under this Virgo Moon and Pisces Sun, the answer can be difficult to decipher as our data may be incomplete or incongruences between the physical and emotional do not seem to entirely add up. It may feel like people say one thing and then do another. Perhaps their actions or words communicate an intention but the result is something different.

And the “why” behind it all may seem just out of reach right now. Like an elephant in the room nobody comments on, like the answer to a test question that you know you know, but just cannot recall and put words to. You want to trust and believe your person, to take them at face value, but for some reason you don’t.

Together these cards ask to reflect on not just what our relationships can provide us; the give and take; but how our relationships actually make us feel. When looking at these cards, a fitting quote came to mind:

“One of the greatest mistakes is to judge policies and programs by their intentions and not their results.” —Milton Friedman

This quote makes me think about the incongruence between the intentions of our laws in the USA versus the actual effect of them. We are a country that wears our convictions proudly on our sleeve, declaring to the world that we are a symbol of freedom of speech and religion. And yet our laws punish and imprison people who practice these values when they do not align with the dominant culture, resulting in the opposite of it claims to stand for.

On the Justice card we see a Palestinian woman, gazing sorrowfully at the camera, half of her face hidden. I can’t help but to think of the way our President sends food to Palestine on parachutes as an show of good will, but the result is a massacre of everyone who dares to reach for it. Perhaps the “intention” is what they say, to provide relief for a starving population. But the Justice card would argue that the real intention is murder, for that is the ultimate result of such actions (which continue to be taken.)

This Full Moon is a time to reflect on the incongruence between the intentions of a relationship and the actual results of being in them. Are the people you are in relationship with telling you one thing and then doing another? Do they express intentions of love and care, only to make you feel judged and unworthy? Do they make promises on good intentions only to never follow through? If so, it might be time to consider that there was never truly an intention to follow through, but simply to placate, to lull you into complicity, to accept less than a connection that prioritizes love, respect, and honest communication.

It is easy to get stuck in feelings of being complacent. And it easy for an Eclipse to come along and shake you out of it in ways that you don’t expect. It is likely that during this Eclipse Szn, you will find that you have outgrown certain relationships, and even certain aspects of yourself. You no longer want to accept good intentions when there is no good result. You become tired of making promises to yourself that you can no longer keep (or perhaps, never have.) You grow tired of trying to meet the expectations of other people when you know deep down, you can’t or don’t really want to.

If this is the case, then now is the time to be honest with yourself. To be patient with yourself as these feelings come to light and change your perspective. To ask questions of both yourself and others, to really listen to the response, to think deeply about how the response makes you feel and why. If you know that a separation is on the horizon, then try your best to approach it with love, respect and honesty.

On the other hand… I want you to think about the relationships where you do feel seen, heard, respected and cared for. Who are the people that show up for you time and time again? Who are the people that never make you doubt them because they communicate clearly exactly where you stand? Who are the people who withhold their judgement and approach you with curiosity? Who are the people who hold you, who listen to you, who do their best to provide you with resources, tools, affection, and trust? Who is uplifting you?

These are the relationships that you want to focus on right now. These are the relationships that you want to invest in.

And I know that after talking about intentions and results being different that it can inspire feelings of suspicion and defensiveness. We have all been lied to and we have all been hurt. But what is not meant to be will fade on it’s own, what is meant to pass with this Eclipse will pass, and there is no sense of control to be gained here.

What you can control is showing up in your relationships with integrity, compassion, and sincerity. You can make sure your words and actions align with your intentions and convictions. You can move in ways that inspire others to do the same. That is your power.

Thank you so much for reading!

If you willing and able, please consider donating to Doctors Without Borders, an organization working to provide aid to the people in Palestine. Link Here.

originally published to @siderealmaven's Patreon.

[alyjojo]

The Person On Your Mind in October 🤵🏼‍♂️ 2023 - Gemini

Whole of their energy towards Gemini: 6 Swords

It feels like someone chose their career over you? Not for everyone, but it’s here, or it could feel that way. They’ve moved away from this and the drama involved in it, probably literally living at a distance, everything involving them shows some kind of distance between you. They’re goal oriented, focused on themselves, very practical, could be a single parent, they’re not interested in drama, and fear getting involved with you for this reason.

Feelings: King of Cups rev

You’ve probably apologized to them, because it’s a heavy burden that weighs on their shoulders. Either they see you as someone emotionally immature and manipulative, using guilt trips and different “aw I care so much” tactics to persuade or fk with their head/heart…or something about you makes this person highly emotional, because they do have some sort of feelings for you, they care deeply. Could be love, but these two Cups people aren’t matched properly, so if it is love, it’s not enough to make this work. Could also be a 3rd party situation they’re not touching with a 10 foot pole, or if you’ve moved on to someone else, they’re fine with it. A 3rd party would be the burden here if that applies, like they can accept an apology sure, but they’re not doing anything else.

Intentions: 6 Pentacles rev

They don’t intend to reciprocate anything you’ve given them, communication, maybe an outpouring of emotions with this King rev, that could be a declaration of love or something. They intend to stay almost rigid, controlled, respecting boundaries, rules, morals, whatever applies to this situation. They know if they reciprocate then they have to return, or you’d want them to, and they don’t want to do that.

Actions: 9 Cups

As an action…getting drunk? Possibly. Or they’re just focusing on the things that make them happy, their goals, their work, maybe a person idk. They can’t handle this “failure” between you, or failing at whatever they’re doing now, like it’s not even an option to them. If they’re happy, they’re staying happy. Or headed in that direction. Giving up on this connection has wounded their pride, ego, surface level “hurt” but I don’t see this running as deeply as it seems you’d want it to. Or as much as yours does. Do they care about you, yes. Are they coming back around to do anything about it, no.

Messages:

Their side:

- I won’t go backwards, only forwards.

- Loyal

Your side:

- Too Different

- You hurt me first.

Possible signs:

Cancer, Aquarius, Pisces, Capricorn & Sagittarius

If you’re dealing with:

7 Cups with Queen of Swords, that’s you, working through your options from an emotionally detached & logical point of view. There’s probably a lot of confusion regarding the people in your world and you’re needing to see things as they are, not how you’d like them to be. Fantasies need some fact-checking. This Queen will hack away at these cups one by one until she’s left with the one that shows the choice she’s needing to make, the truth, ridding herself of any excess confusion 😵‍💫

Aries - probably family, one cycle is ending and you or they are being very patient regarding how things move forward

Taurus - unhealthily obsessed with work, money, career, status, legacies, probably not hearing much from them this month

Gemini - moving very slowly towards making a decision, or this could be a lawsuit of some kind…it’s moving along, but they need some perspective, yours?

Cancer - they’re good, independent, and moving away from any drama

Leo - dozens of messages flying in at once because they’re hurt, maybe because of you, this is the energy of a texting WAR, be safe 🙏

Virgo - it is their goal to leave, maybe travel

Libra - panicking over how you’re feeling about them, assuming the worst, replaying things in their head on repeat, because they love you 🥹

Scorpio - communicates like an asshole, calling you one, or you both are 💯

Sagittarius - could be asking you out, or sending cute messages with the intention of doing so, they think you’re something special

Capricorn - had to end this so their wish could come true, success and all of the accolades, could definitely be this person

Aquarius - likely ghosting you, or switch it 👻

Pisces - creating something magical out of a burdensome situation, they’re deeply committed to you and in love if this your person 💚

[shannonlynnin]

Adlerians view...

“Adlerians view most human problems as social in nature, they emphasize relationships within the family as our earliest and, perhaps, our most influential social system.”  

Parents are a direct example to their children. Children grow up observing and believing that the values, beliefs and goals that their parents instill, are the right ones, moral ones and will help them grow into productive, superior and stable adults. 

However, when a child grows up with a psychopathic parent, can the child prosper and become a valuable member of society? 

According to an article by Scott Bonn, Ph.D. in Psychology Today, “psychopaths are unable to form emotional attachments… tend to be aggressive and predatory… view others as objects for their amusement… they lack empathy… often have disarming or even charming personalities. They are manipulative and can easily gain people’s trust. They learn to mimic emotions, despite their inability to actually feel them and will appear normal to unsuspecting people. Psychopaths are often well-educated and hold steady jobs.”

My father was all of these things, smart, charming and seductive, yet aggressive and mean. He appeared normal to the outside world, but behind closed doors, he was emotionally detached and demeaning towards my mother and siblings. He was always putting them down, calling them fat. He would laugh and say “Just kidding, I love you,” and buy a gift to make up for the hurt. Any friend he had was screwed over. He would lie, cheat and steal to get what he wanted by manipulating the system and defrauding his friends and the government. 

As a young, naive, child, I looked up to my dad, he was my hero, he could never do wrong or let me down. He loved me, I was Daddy’s little girl. One day all of that changed. I was 10 years old, and my mother and I were watching my older sister play tennis at her high school, I remember it vividly. She took me for a walk and we were next to railroad tracks when she finally spoke. “Shannon, I need to tell you something and you cannot tell your baby brother, can you promise me?... Your father got into trouble and he will have to go away. He walked into a bank and saw a pile of money that wasn’t his and he took it. That was wrong and he got caught. Now daddy has to go away for a bit, but everything will be ok.” I was shocked, caught off guard, my father was going to jail, only bad people go to jail! 

Many years later, I would bring this memory up to my mother and she would deny the conversation ever happened, calling me a liar and saying I make stories up. It was very confusing and frustrating, however, I learned in therapy that children can make up stories to understand and interpret a stressful situation. So, did it really happen, who knows… but my father did spend time in jail. 

As I matured into my teenage years, I became distant and did not trust people. I found it difficult to make new friends and have real emotional connections. I was shallow and chose a lifestyle that was immoral and chaotic. My behavior and attitude reflected what I observed and perceived growing up,I actually believed that I was supposed to act like this because I was superior. 

I started therapy in college when I began getting into trouble and having turmoil with my friends and in my relationships. I felt lost and wanted to have real friendships and be a valuable addition to society. I spent years focusing on my subjective experiences, dissecting the emotional and cognitive impact my father had on me and my resulting choices. I explored the dynamics between my siblings and my place in my family constellation. It took a lot of psychoanalyzing and maturity but I CHOSE to change, I chose to act differently. I altered my perspective and re-trained my thoughts. I practiced empathy and kindness. I learned to face my inferiority complex by raising my energy level and becoming strong-minded. 

It was painful to recognize as an adult my father is not a hero. He is not kind and his thinking is abnormal. The things he says are not funny, they are abusive and racist, he is toxic. To be successful in life, a person must surround themselves with the kind of people that they would like to be. Being around good, ethical, honest and sincere people rubs off on a person by helping to influence their behavior.  Having relationships and real friendships gives meaning to one’s life. 

Corey Gerald. (2015). Theory and Practice of Counseling and  Psychotherapy.Cengage Learning.

Bonn, S. (2018, January 18). How to tell a sociopath from a psychopath | Psychology Today. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wicked-deeds/201801/how-tell-sociopath-psychopath 

[biceratops7]

Rambly thoughts about Ed and reading people:

Honestly, I think a big source of conflict for Ed is the way he both processes and presents social cues. In other words: very neurodivergently.

He canonically has a hard time understanding non literal language, to the point where it’ll cause him to be panicked or irritated. We can see this heavily in episode 5 on multiple occasions. When entering the party he mimics Frenchie (?) saying “please” despite obviously not understanding why he’s supposed to be doing it. Then when Gabriel and Antoinette start their whole “not THE Godfrey Thornrose?” shtick, he quickly gets confused by the hyperbole and exasperatedly asks if they’re deaf. Not to mention he doesn’t pick up on the party goers seeing him as basically exotic entertainment until the mockery becomes extremely blatant.

Another way this manifests is that he relies on people’s words rather than their body language or surrounding context clues. A big reason he’s so annoyed in episode 7 is because he thinks they’re being eaten alive by bugs to actually look for treasure, using a method that is both embarrassing and ineffective. The fact that Stede just wants to spend time with him and have a souvenir to remember it by goes completely over his head. Once Lucius bluntly tells him the trip isn’t literally about monetary gain, he gets into it.

Then in episode 8 we see how Calico Jack takes advantage of this. Ed actually thinks Stede and Jack are similar. He can’t easily tell the difference between Stede’s genuine kindness and care for him vs. the phony crap Jack pulls. Which by the way is a HUGE red flag considering they had intimate relations in the past.

Not only does Ed have trouble with reading social cues, he’s also extremely and truthfully expressive… a very bad combo for an environment where trickery and manipulation are common place. It essentially means that he has to work really hard to tell what everyone’s true intentions are while they can read him like a children’s book. With enough well placed interaction they know exactly what makes him tick, good or bad. I also have like, no ability to successfully hide my facial expressions and it’s a scary place to be in. There’s a reason I still wear a mask in places where there’s no mandate. It affords me emotional privacy without having to painstakingly be aware of myself at all times.

And the thing is, he knows these things about himself. Here you see him practicing facial expressions in a mirror before he meets someone new.

He knows that it leaves him susceptible to manipulation and normally uses hyper vigilance and isolation (minimizing the chances people get to actually talk with him) to compensate as best he can. “The old Blackbeard would’ve seen me coming a mile away.” He’s finally in a place where he’s safe enough to drop the incredibly exhausting task of making sure no one’s gonna exploit his disadvantage, and unfortunately that will sometimes have consequences.

In a similar vain, Ed’s beard did the same job as my Covid masks. When it’s gone during such an emotionally turbulent time you really feel how difficult it is for him to cover up the heart stuck to his sleeve without that aid. There’s a solid few seconds in the blanket fort with Lucius where he’s trying to hide that he’s about to cry and discreetly collect himself but gives up when he realizes the bottom half of his face already gave him away. Like I said, it’s an annoyingly meticulous process and there’s lots of room for error.

Ok now buckle your seatbelts cause I’m about to make you very upset /lh.

All of that is why Ed probably looks back at this moment now and sees yet another incident where he let his guard down and was tricked.

[chidoroki]

Isabella - 73584

I had a serious debate with myself over whether or not I wanted to sit down and spend my weekend writing another one of these praise posts. I was content with just doing one for each of the Fullscore Trio kids and ending it there.. but apparently I love this woman too much to just ignore her on her birthday. So here were are on September 9th with a list of all her best and my personal favorite moments as to why I believe she’s such a great character, antagonist and mother (yeah you heard me right). Considering she only shows up in the beginning and very end of the story, this post ended up longer than I originally anticipated, which just goes to show how many thoughts I really have about this woman. (for real, this rivals Ray’s post in terms of points but there’s far more words)

Since she also has some backstory and certain events differ between manga and anime (thanks to the second season), I’ll try to go in chronological order between both timelines instead of chapter by chapter, which might be a bit confusing as we’ll jump around the story a lot but just to bear with me as I try to makes sense of it all.

(spoilers for the entirety of The Promised Neverland & ch181.7, so if you haven’t read/completed the manga yet, consider this your first warning, because I’m literally going from start to finish with this one last time. I promise.)

- I’m not sure how well she compares to Emma when it comes to athleticism, but Isabella seemed to have no trouble climbing up and down trees when she was younger.

- Not only that, but she managed to scale the wall by herself using a method that requires a fairly impressive jump. It’s also implied that this is how she climbs the wall again so many years later when chasing the soon-to-be escapees, which helps prove that even at an older age, she hasn’t lost her touch.

- Was chosen to undergo training to become a Mom, which required high test scores and the current mother’s recommendation. She accepted the offer in order to keep living and survive as human the demons couldn’t eat.

- Based on Sienna’s comment, is it fair to say Isabella is on par with the full score trio? I mean, the woman is basically flawless.

- She was practically untouchable during her time at headquarters while training too apparently. Mom positions are scarce so the environment where these ladies fight (physically/mentally/emotionally) to even snag that job is highly competitive, and yet Isabella never let anyone deter her from her goal of becoming a Mom, which probably led to the “Iron Lady” nickname she received now that I think about it.

- She was the youngest ever to be granted the Mom position at..what, 19? 20? Somewhere around there, but impressive nonetheless considering they’re forced to have a child, build up a strong, emotionless exterior and endure so much fear. (but my goodness, the woman doesn’t age at all. she looks just as good when the story actually starts as she did her when she was a bit younger)

- It became common knowledge among the Sisters that she was also very successful in the way she raised her children.

- Her success greatly benefited the farm, as she offered up countless high quality goods, which sounds terrible, I know, but believe me when I say she gave her best effort for her children. Even though she held the Mom position, the amount of power she actually had in this system was pretty minimal, especially with how much she valued her own life. She couldn’t afford to make any mistakes or risky changes, so she settled with doing the most with what she was capable of. She provided her children with a normal lifestyle, not only to keep up the orphanage facade, but knowing that their lives would all be cut shorter than they anticipate. She gave them love in hopes that no one would ever have to feel the dread she felt after Leslie’s death and/or finding out the truth. She tried to delay that horrific fate by encouraging them to learn all they can (like teaching the trio about strategy and chess) so they could achieve higher tests scores and (unknowingly to them) add a couple more months or years onto their lives. Yes it was her job to raise these children to such high standards but she excelled at it for their sake too.

- And I know y’all will just throw Ray in my face like, “oh but he was her actual child and she treated him horribly/different.” Okay but deep down I don’t think she actually wanted to? When they both realized they were truly mother and son, Isabella couldn’t just dote on him and start treating him as such. I’m sure Ray wasn’t too fond of Isabella at this point in his life either, knowing that she sent several of his siblings away to get killed. They probably would’ve gotten along just fine in a perfect world, but since they were both aware of the hell they’re trapped living in, they emotionally distanced themselves and formed a business-like relationship as a result of Ray’s deal, which benefited them both in different ways. For Ray, it was more practical, with the obvious notion of living as long as possible along with obtaining various rewards and knowledge of the outside world. For Isabella, it helped emotionally by simply just ignoring their true relation. I believe if she clung to that realization, it would break the orphanage illusion and eventually wear down her “Iron Lady” exterior that she relies so heavily on.

- Like can you imagine how much you would have to harden your heart in order to quite literally walk children to their death every couple months for years on end and just move on like it’s completely normal? Now imagine how earth shattering it must be to think about doing the same to your actual child. All those years spent perfecting a fake smile and emotionless exterior like she was trained to have and her son shatters it in an instant. She becomes completely terrified about how he’s actually alive and in front of her right now and there’s nothing she can do to truly save him.. and yet she still recovers so damn quickly I can’t even comprehend it! But there’s still some sadness in those eyes. You can’t tell me otherwise. That one moment of weakness speaks volumes to me.

- So now with her general backstory FINALLY out of the way, we can finally start with ch01/ep01 and how her laugh is sweet and innocent. I say that because (all hidden emotions and motives aside) that’s exactly how she’s supposed to sound in this moment, not only to us but to the children as well.

- She of course checks Emma’s tracker a moment later but other than that I still think it’s a pretty genuine moment between the two.

- As previously stated, her ability to raise high quality children is unmatched, which is clear as day thanks to the fullscore trio.

- Despite their crazy level of intelligence, the trio has yet to win a simple game of chess against Isabella, even when teamed up.

- She treasures everything about the kids.

- She really cares about them, even when it’s time to send them off with a smile, which we know is thanks to her strong facade.

- But mother dearest isn’t really fine. She doesn’t like walking kids to their death, especially so young. But she can’t let them (or even herself) know that. She can’t show weakness, so she hums Leslie’s song, which is a tool she’s used for years in order to give herself strength.

- Don’t worry, I disliked her this moment happened too, just as the story intended. And here’s where her fantastic antagonist role begins for all the world to see.

- A true champ at jump scares.

- Acts completely calm the night after a couple of kids found out the secret of the farm.

- She uses the tracker in plain sight, sending whomever went to the gate last night a threatening but silent message.

- Correct Norman, that’s the “Iron Lady” for ya. Also the name of ch03 for us. Well, “The Iron Woman” but same difference.

- She switches from calculating and manipulative breeder to sweet and pleasant mother so quickly and effortlessly it’s incredible. Isabella even checked Emma’s pulse in this scene to see if she was acting normal.

- At this point she still had no idea who went to the gate (Ray didn’t tip her off yet, at least I don’t think so) but her guess couldn’t have been more precise. The level of fear she drives into both Emma and Norman was great too, but then again her presence is enough in any scene to give us chills.

- Notices her watchdog isn’t at his usual post and starts to get suspicious.

- Not only of him, Emma and Norman, but Don and Gilda as well, thus giving the five extra chores to finish in an attempt to slow down any escape planning, such as cleaning vacant rooms, organizing the pantry and inspecting spare linen.

- While the trio believes Isabella was being too soft and patient in finding her targets, she effectively catches them off guard by bringing in Krone for assistance. The trio soon realize they were actually preparing the sister’s new room and those mundane chores were just an excuse to buy time.

- Look at her, all smug. Checkmate indeed. (and totally not important, but her eyes are such pretty shades of purple)

- The sass and her no nonsense attitude.

- Immediately puts Krone in her place the moment she even thinks about shipping out the targets. Of course holding off on shipping the targets would benefit the farm, as it would produce higher quality merchandise as time passes, but plant 3 is run by Isabella and she’ll be damned if an assistant thinks they could waltz right in and decide her children’s fate.

- She check’s Emma tracker again despite her claim of knowing exactly who the targets might be. You can never be too careful.

- Her precious children managed to win a game of tag against Krone, which is still impressive considering the kind of training the sister has gone through, so kudos to her teachings.

- Knows right away that Krone was trying to take advantage, which allows Krone to realize that the opening she had to learn more about the children was all planned by Isabella herself. Her intimidating nature is enough to scare adults too.

- Reveals that Krone was mostly summoned in order to keep Ray in check after his failure.

- Despite the trust issue, Isabella still keeps up her end of the deal by requesting the items Ray asked for, thanks to the odd perks she had under Grandma Sarah which allowed her to order goods that weren’t on the supply list.

- This hug between her and Phil is just too cute not to mention.

- I imagine she makes this comment because she knows exactly how long a rope must be based off her own almost-escape.

- It’s just something about how this scene is framed alongside this dialogue that makes me think “oh, like mother, like son.”

- I blame her very thoughtful planning for my first big freak out when I watched season 1 blind, like ma’am that’s my favorite boy, please don’t.

- She conspires with Grandma Sarah in order to get rid of Krone for good, which renders the evidence sister just found out about the children’s escape completely useless. Sarah believes there might be some truth to it, but ultimately ignores it and puts her faith in Isabella’s ability of controlling the children & the situation.

- She then cuts Ray off and ends their six-year long deal, opting to control the situation herself from now on. Also, how she wanted to keep him around until the very end is kinda bittersweet. Does she mean as merchandise? Or because she wanted him to live as long as possible? Ah such a tricky little comment.

- She also tosses him across the room like a rag doll.

- Thank god for this panel existing and actually being adapted into the anime so I could hear it because I had absolutely no memory of her laughing in this moment.

- “She says it so nonchalantly,” Norman said once upon a time, and it’s still so frightening.

- As insane as her ideals seem given the circumstances, nothing she says here is really a lie.

- She has the strength to quite literally break a leg and that cracking noise still haunts me to this day.

- It wasn’t even a spur of the moment thing either. Isabella came fully prepared with bandages to fix up any injury she was willing to inflict and that thought alone is terrifying.

- Not only that, but she broke it so cleanly that Emma’s leg does indeed heal perfectly in the exact time frame she estimates. This entire moment is so unfairly impressive, like ma’am how dare you do this to Emma of all people.. like why couldn’t you at least use that kind of force to snap Peter’s neck instead or something?

- To make matters worse, she then reveals Norman’s shipment date. And it’s the following day, which sends the kids into a very understandable panic.

- Needless to say, November 2nd, 2045 was a very successful day in the life of Isabella. Woman was putting everyone in checkmate in ep08 and my anger on full blast.

- This sly smile she sends Ray’s way after announcing Norman’s shipment to the younger kids is so cruel.. it’s perfect.

- I can only imagine she asked about Ray’s whereabouts because she knew the boys were close friends and she hoped they would at least say goodbye to one another, but that’s just me.

- Puts an end to Norman’s parting words in such a simple and chilling matter.

- The way she just openly threatens Emma with others just out of earshot.

- Norman out here asking the real questions. If anything, I say she’s more “content” rather than happy. I don’t think she’s ever really thought about her own happiness, at least not often enough, hence the slight pause. This entire time she’s been focusing on how to make her children’s lives perfect, but for herself she just wants to survive in this hellish world they’re all living in.

- I’m honestly still not sure who’s final decision it is to send people to Lambda, either Isabella, Peter or someone else (honestly never bothered to check), but whether or not Isabella had any say in the matter, I’m sure she’s at least a little glad that Norman gets to live a bit longer? Perhaps that’s a stretch, but I’m putting the idea here anyway.

- I say this because I believe that’s part of the reason why she offered Emma a Mom recommendation, not only because our girl’s high test scores, but in hopes that she could live a longer life.

- Although she really stresses in an intimidation fashion how pointless Emma’s efforts are now that Norman’s “dead,” the cliff remains a major hazard and her leg is still bandaged up, Isabella still tries so hard to convince her to give up, like Ray has, in order for Emma to end her own suffering. It was the first instance during my blind watch-through were I started to get the hint that Isabella might actually care about her kids, and of course I know now it’s because she didn’t want Emma to experience the same pain she did after Leslie’s death.

- With Emma and Ray both broken, things went by rather smoothly for Isabella those last two months, though she continued to keep a close eye on them.

- Her humming is so soothing. And why it took me this long to bring up “Isabella’s Lullaby” is beyond me, but oh my god, that song and any other soundtrack that uses its melody is absolute perfection.

- Had enough sense to not let her guard down the final night, even though her efforts were ultimately unsuccessful, but the idea counts.

- Though her caretaker side is focused on more during the fire, some motherly instincts do kick in as she instructs Gilda to get the babies from her room and lead everyone outside to safety. She was also concerned for Emma’s well being, hoping all the smoke didn’t get to her when the girl vanished. (i know you can argue “she’s only worried because they’re merchandise” which is fair but c’mon, i swear she’s not completely heartless)

- Took a hot minute (ahha) but Isabella eventually realized that the kids were actually escaping solely based on what they were wearing on their feet. I’m sure Emma’s discarded left ear was a big tip off too but to come to that conclusion by noticing the shoes they had on during all that chaos is surprising.

- She looks completely insane here but I always thought this shot of her was nicely animated with all the fire (or embers? sparks? whatever they are) flying around. The laugh she does before this is also a nice bonus. Oh, and she somehow managed to secure a radio from the room Don had locked.

- Figured the fifteen kids would head towards the bridge and called in headquarters to block it off.

- But when the children didn’t appear at the bridge, she just happened to know exactly where else they might try to cross the cliff.

- In the anime’s case, Isabella climbed the wall and ran there quick enough to engage in a stare down with Emma before she finally slid down.

- The moment I knew I was doomed.

- After the 15 kids successfully escaped, Isabella admits defeat, for she couldn’t really see how much her children have grown to outsmart her.

- This iconic quote, which conveys so much truth and sincerity. There were multiple occasions where she had to distance and restrain herself due to the system that controlled her, but the love she was able to show the children was genuine. If she wasn’t held back by the strict rules enforced by Mom position, I don’t doubt she would’ve treated Ray better or became far more emotional whenever a child had to leave for good or seriously injured, instead of donning a fake smile and being closed off.

- She realizes with this unspeakable loss in merchandise, the reputation she worked so hard to build up is meaningless now and that the farm no longer has any use for such an incompetent caretaker. She figures she’s as good as dead anyway now, so she wastes no time in actually helping the escapees by reclaiming the ropes to hide their exact method and route of escape, if only to grant the kids some extra time before the pursuers really locate them.

- She doesn’t act bitter as a result of her loss, instead choosing to wish the escapees luck with the future they grasped for themselves and care for the children that were left behind.

- She’s just so pretty y’all. Thank you anime.

- She was named “Best Antagonist” (and rightfully so!) back during the 2020 Crunchyroll Anime Awards, winning over Askeladd (Vinland Saga), Overhaul, (My Hero Academia), Garoua (One Punch Man,) & others.

(Post-season 1 spoilers ahead, even though the anime is completely finished at this point, but will be touching upon her special chapter more as well.)

- Completely owns up to her mistakes that caused the farm a massive loss in profitable goods and is ready to received whatever punishment necessary, which she expects to be death.

- Only.. she’s not being killed, she’s actually being promoted to Grandma. Though Isabella was directly responsible for the children’s escape, the blame ultimately falls on Sarah who couldn’t correctly control Isabella, thus leading the old lady to be shipped out in place of the goods Isabella lost.

- Peter also notes that the farm found more worth in Isabella than Sarah, so her past merits also played a part in sparing her life, as having a woman like Isabella in charge would surely produce the level of quality the farm needs.

- Isabella eventually accepts the promotion, though she can’t help but feel hesitant and shocked about the whole deal. This woman was ready to embrace death and finally be free from this cruel world, but now she has to witness not only more kids being shipped off, but moms and sisters in training as well (yay old chapter reviews coming in clutch).

- She could have very well just refused Peter’s offer, but we all know how much Isabella originally wanted to survive, so she doesn’t just accept because this man dangled a sense of freedom in her face, she also agreed so she could have the opportunity to help her children in any way her newfound power would allow her.

- Of course, her transition to Grandma happens a bit differently in the second season, but I will give some bittersweet thanks to the anime once more for the obvious but curse them for also having this entire scene dark as hell. Let me see her beauty darn it! I can only fix the lighting so much until it looks overexposed and bad again.

Anyways, Sarah is still alive at this point and taunts Isabella with the escapee’s lives just to see how she would react, which gave her a small sense of hope. Then some demons pay a visit later on and also ask if she would want to see the children one last time, but Isabella tells them that not only would she be too ashamed to face them but that they would manage to survive Grandma’s capture plan, which involved several men blowing up their shelter. It’s now clear to the demons that these children are special, and while Isabella agrees, it’s not for the same reason the demons think so. The demons believe the kids are special because of how they were raised to such a high quality. Isabella calls them special simply because they’re her children, just as any mother would.

- In the anime, it’s the demons who offer Isabella the Grandma deal if Sarah’s current plan were to fail (which it does) and she takes it and the freedom from Grace Field House without question. Do I still believe she had similar intentions to help out the children like she did in manga at this point? Of course.

- Not even a full month into her new job did she start preparing to help Emma & the others by considering who from the current Sisters she wanted to recruit to personally assist her destroy the farm entirely.

- A month later and Isabella had already decreased the number of shipments that took place at Grace Field, which obviously helps raise the quality of the children by default, but it also means less death and gives those kids a chance to live longer.

- She completely anticipated that Matilda, Jessica, Sienna & Scarlet were conspiring against her and caught them quite easily, as they were among the top scorers.

- Each had a fair chance at becoming Moms but with those positions limited, it was obvious to figure out they were trying to force Isabella’s seat open by creating some suspicious activity to place on her almost perfect record. Unfortunately for the girls, our new Grandma is too smart for her own good and I love it.

- The four women are apprehensive to join her insane plan to go against the farm, but Isabella assures them there’s no freedom if they follow the system’s rules and betray her. The harsh reality they’re all living in will continue unless they stop competing with one another and combine forces to defeat the true enemy.

- To persuade them further, Isabella mentions the children they all gave birth to are still alive, bringing out an array of emotions from the women that they each thought they had buried deep down.

- THIS! Just all of this is wonderful and shows just how much Isabella learned from her children who once defeated her.

- To fully gain the women’s trust, she gives them Ray’s farewell note that he originally left in order to bait Krone, as proof she won’t double-cross them at any point.

- I love the fact that she kept the note close to her because it acts just like all the other various toys and items she saved in her secret room back at plant 3. The original owners were all precious to her so she kept a piece of them behind to remember them in a place only she knew about. As I said before when mentioning her “I wish I could have just loved them normally” quote, all the love she had for her children had to be suppressed when she was under the system’s control, but that doesn’t mean she never cared. Because she did, and if I haven’t made at least that clear by now then I’m failing.

- Can her intentions and love for her children be any more clear? (possibly, i’m not done with this darn post yet. how you guys holding up? i’m going a little insane at this point.)

- Anyways! Second season didn’t make the rest of the story easy so apologies for any timeline mishaps as I switch between both anime and manga events from here on out.. like how in manga Isabella is informed of the escapee’s return to Grace Field via Peter, while the in the anime it’s her who helps lures them back with a fake transmission via the radio they stole.

- Just before Emma & the others do return to Grace Field on November 13, Isabella finally reaches out to the farm’s many other Sisters to recruit them. She waited until the right moment to inform them of her crazy takeover plan so Peter wouldn’t become suspicious from all of headquarters acting/thinking differently (you know, like how Emma kept the jailbreak plan under wraps until the night of). These ladies also feel a bit wary and even think of Isabella’s offer as a joke, but with some real, heartfelt encouragement, she manages to win over every single woman to her side.

- The moment when it was first revealed to us that she was not only still alive but was also promoted to Grandma is still so powerful.

- She snaps Nat’s finger back into place after Peter broke it. (and considering emma’s group infiltrates the farm right after this, i’m pretty sure that ch170 with rallying the sisters took place before this..i think?)

- Gave me a minor heart attack.

- *CLAPS FRANTICALLY!!!* The moment she truly won me over.


- While her betrayal against Peter in the manga is fantastic and quite possibly one of my favorite moments, the anime did give us a little something too. It shows Peter spewing utter nonsense to Emma about how she’s destined to fail, only for best girl to bite back with such a fantastic quote, and then Isabella drops the act and switches sides. While I agree Emma’s comeback is “wonderful,” it’s the English dub that completely wins me over in this scene by having Isabella comment “Now that’s my girl” instead, like bro.. hearing that makes me so happy.

- For real dude, you have several highly skilled women pointing guns at you, I think her betrayal is crystal clear.

- This is like the perfect example of how she had to conceal her feelings while bound by the system. She just misses these kids so much y’all but she can’t let her true emotions show yet.

- Having her call Peter a boy is beyond hilarious to me. Also, how she disagrees with him on so many levels is excellent, like how he believes in experimenting on kids and having the right to call yourself their parent just because you created them, while Isabella believes in raising and loving children normally and that you earn that parent title by actually being part of their lives. To be fair they both inflicted pain on kids (Nat’s finger/Emma’s leg) but Peter’s action was a mistake in itself. Isabella got frustrated back when Krone even threatened to ship out the kids who discovered the secret, so you can bet she’s probably pissed off at this boy for harming one of her kids on purpose.

- The best mother-daughter moment ever! It’s such a shame it never got truly animated since the second season decided not to give the children guns, but we get to see a small smile from Isabella after Emma decided to still call her “mom.”

- The anime never gave Peter the chance to run away, like he (somehow) managed to do in manga, so we had the chance to see someone actually shoot at him. Well, in his general direction at least. Isabella lands a perfect shot not even a full second after he pulls out that disc. Accuracy on point.

- Said this once or twice in the past in manga so I’m glad the anime brought it back.

- Remains cautious and keeps her gun raised at Peter when Emma approaches him and rightfully so considering he still had his knife hidden at this point.

- Refuses Emma’s offer to join the kids in the human world at first because she knows that her (& the sister’s) actions shouldn’t be forgiven so easily, but with some rather blunt sympathy from Ray and encouragement from her other children, she finally gives in.

- This entire post summed up in one image.

- She apologizes even though distancing herself from her kids and preparing them for death were just required of her role as a caretaker. She wouldn’t have done any of that in a normal world. (do i sound like a broken record yet? probably)

- The emotion you hear in her voice during this entire dub scene hits my heart in all the right places.

- She still thinks of Leslie after all this time and I think that’s real cute.

- Her protective nature is on full display when she protects Emma from this bastard of a demon. A truly surprising and heartbreaking moment, considering this is the woman who’s survival used to be her top and only priority in the past, but now doesn’t hesitate to give her life in order to save her kid (and by extension that small girl emma saved. also, major heart attack for me).

- Despite being critically injured, this woman still possess enough strength to hold back a demon twice her size. She doesn’t even pay any mind to its nonsense. Like the demon, people often think this is when redemption arc starts but I believe it started way back in ch37 when Isabella retrieved and hid the ropes the kids used to escape. Ever since she admitted defeat on the wall that night, she threw caution to the wind and began cheating the system in hopes to one day assist the kids achieve a brighter future. Despite all the work she’s done behind the scenes, Isabella believes there’s still so much more she can do to atone, so even though she’s already received the children’s forgiveness, she continues to assist them by jumping in and saving them directly from demons for once in her life.

- Ma’am it’s sweet you’re so concerned with their safety, but we should be asking you that question ya know? (but then again emma was the same way after she woke up from her coma).

- Knows that just apologizing and saving Emma isn’t enough to suddenly forgive all her actions and wants to do so much more for the children as a result. Even though I already acknowledged all her subtle and hidden moments, I wish we got to see her care for them more openly.

- I simply can not read through ch177 and not get emotional. No matter how hard I try, I always feel tears start to form in my eyes. Oh my god, how cruel that death can be this beautiful. It’s so unfair.

- *uses old chapter review because I’m too upset right now* “She apologizes for everything. For not treating him right and loving him as a mother normally would her own son. For making him despise his life so much and enduring so much pain that he thought the only escape was suicide.”

- “She leaves him with one last wish to protect everyone, and that completely breaks me because you know exactly how much they both care for their family. Not only would they literally die for their family, but they would live for them too if someone asked. Truly like mother, like son.” (aaaaaahhhhh)

- Her, umm.. ghost (along with Conny’s & Yuugo’s) help Ray reunite with Emma in 2049.

- All my tears aside, the anime did something right by actually keeping her ALIVE!

- Have you ever seen something so GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL in all your life?? This image is so powerful it literally tossed aside any salty feelings I had that night with how the second season ended. Seeing her like this grants me so much happiness y’all, it’s truly unbelievable. I still can’t get over it and hopefully I never will.

Okay, now I’m done, thank god. Sorry this is like ridiculously long, especially since she’s absent for sooo many chapters. Also find it so hilarious how drastic my opinion of her changed from the beginning to now, from “bitch” to “oh my god I love her so much.” I know people will always have opposing opinions whether she’s actually a good mother or not and that’s totally fine. Wasn’t trying to convince y’all of that either because yes, some of her actions are real unforgivable, but she was suffering under the farm system too and just followed through with what she was trained to do in order to survive, but while other Sisters fought to climb ranks and help themselves survive, Isabella ultimately wanted the best for her children. The more power she gained, the more risks she took and once the system crashed so did her facade.

An absolute queen.

[prurientpuddlejumper]

Cozy Sweaters

Jackson Neill x Reader

Sequel to Cold Hands, requested by @detectivebarba​ & written for @storiesofsvu​’s Fall Bingo! 

Warnings: Angst. Angst. Angst. Fluff? 

Summary: Oh my god they were roommates.

3,350 words

September 8th

The living room of your apartment—what used to be your apartment—was abuzz with heated voices.

“We’re sorry, but you said you were moving out!”

“So you just gave away my room?! I’m allowed to change my mind!”

Your roommates glanced between each other, awkwardness thick in the air.

“Ed is moving here all the way from England on the promise that he would have a room. He already bought his plane ticket. We’d really be screwing him over.”

“But… where am I supposed to go?”

Jenny sighed and shook her head. “Listen, if this wasn’t so last-minute, I’d understand, but you were supposed to move in with your boyfriend next week. We already made plans to fill your spot…” She really was sorry, in other words, but you were stuck.

“Can’t you still move in with him?” Todd added, and Jenny shot daggers from her eyes.

“He cheated on me!”

“Yeah, but you said he didn’t want to break up, right? Just work things out.”

“I am not,” you hissed through gritted teeth, “ever taking him back after what he did.”

September 13th

Every one-bedroom apartment listing in the greater NYC area was out of your price range. You tapped your friend group, colleagues, and acquaintances for roommates and came back empty. You went on Craig’s List and met with a few strangers seeking roommates. The ones who weren’t terrifying never called you back.

Meanwhile, Jackson Neill had been blowing up your phone.

Well, not blowing up—the first night he got drunk and filled your inbox begging you to come back, sobbing and slurring into your voicemail, spamming indecipherable text messages. The next morning, a single text read: “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate, and it won’t happen again.”

And it didn’t.

But he sent another message a few days later telling you he’d found some more of your stuff, if you’d like it back. That you were always welcome to talk if you wanted to. He wanted to be there for you. You didn’t message him back.

September 14th

It was a cold, rainy day on campus, so you risked taking a shortcut to the dining hall. You turned the corner of an old brick building, and there he was, walking out of the Department of Religious Studies, jacket collar pulled up over his neck because the forgetful fool could never remember his umbrella.

He froze at the same time you did.

All you could hear was your pulse drumming inside your skull like rain. You knew you’d run into him eventually, but you hadn’t decided how to react, and your body wasn’t offering any suggestions.

He gave you a pitiful smile and lifted his hand. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

One leaden foot shuffled in front of the other, and you kept walking. He nodded with a wan smile and sad eyes and didn’t chase you.

The outdoor seating was closed because of the weather, so the dining hall was crowded and buzzing. You snatched a small two-seat table just as another student left, brushing a stale French fry off it onto the floor. Sinking down to enjoy your cheap sandwich, you glanced around the crowd.

A middle-aged man with a soggy jacket and salt-and-pepper hair, who had no right to be so breathtakingly handsome, was searching desperately for a seat while precariously balancing a tray of soup and coffee.

He felt your gaze on him, and you were fixed with a beam of frozen green eyes.

You waved him over.

“I wasn’t following you, I swear.”

“I don’t know, eating lunch? At lunchtime? That can’t be a coincidence.”

The corner of his lip wanted to smile, but he didn’t seem entirely sure you were joking.

“Just sit down and eat,” you sighed. “There’s nowhere else.”

He sat.

Silence crackled between you like the sky before a thunderstorm as you ate your lunches.

“So,” Jackson started cautiously, “how have you been?”

You gave a dry snort. “Oh, just fucking peachy. I’m going to be homeless in two days, thanks to you.”

“What?!”

Jackson listened with a deepening frown as you told him about your roommate plight. Then he offered you a room at his house.

“Go to hell. I’m not going to move in with you like nothing ever happened!”

“No, it wouldn’t be like that. I have a spare bedroom. It’s a big house, and I could use help with the bills. Please—it’s the least I can do. Just until you get back on your feet.”

September 17th

It wasn’t like you had much choice.

You moved into Jackson’s house as originally planned, albeit under different circumstances. Instead of sharing his bed, he cleared out the spare room he’d been using, in theory, as a “gym,” and in practice as a storage closet. There was plenty of space, and with how late he always worked at the university, you’d barely see him anyway.

This might just work out.

September 20th

This was never going to work.

Your heart broke all over again every morning you walked downstairs and saw Jackson in the kitchen making pancakes, because every time, you had to fight the urge to come up behind him and wrap your arms around his waist like you used to do.

God, you wanted him back. If only you could erase the image of him with her from your mind.

October 7th

Jackson begged you to take him back.

One thing after another had gone wrong after he publicly confronted the Meyerist Movement. The cult pressured the publisher to pull his book. The university put him on leave while they investigated his alleged relationship with a student. You wandered into the living room that night and found him curled up on the couch, and his resolve broke.

There were tears in his eyes as he tried to pull you into a hug, and when you jerked away, they cascaded down his cheeks. He kept saying he was sorry over and over.

“Please. I need you. Everything is falling apart—if I could at least have you to hold onto… just one thing that wasn’t broken. Please, just tell me how to make it up to you. Haven’t I done enough? If I could take it all back, I would. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me? Please let me hold you?”

This was hard for you, too. Part of you wanted to give in, tell him it was all OK, let him kiss you, and see him smile. The worst part of all of this was that you still loved him, but you could never trust him again. He put on such a sweet, innocent act—he was a wonderful boyfriend—but now you knew he was a manipulative liar.

You should never have moved in.

“There’s no undoing the past. We both need to move forward, not back. I’m going to start looking for other places to live.”

October 8th

Morning brought a more sober Jackson knocking at your door. Dark circles hung under his eyes, but he hadn’t been crying recently.

“Please don’t feel like you have to leave. I can get my shit together. I’m calling a therapist today.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Yeah.” He stared at his feet, shifting on the hardwood floor.

“Jackson… I’ll only hurt you if I stay. This is too hard on you.” For us. “Besides, I can’t freeload here forever.”

“You do pay rent, you know.”

“I know, but—”

“I only have the kids every other weekend, and it’s a big house. It gets lonely. You’re doing me a favor being here.”

November 10th

In the last month, Jackson convinced you there was no hurry to move out.

He was a great roommate. He cooked, cleaned, respected your boundaries. He was a truly decent man, if an unfaithful lover, but since you were just friends now, it didn’t matter who he fucked. The biggest concern was that he wanted you back, and living together was a constant source of emotional pain. But on that front, he finally seemed to be moving on.

Whenever the topic came up, he assured you that you were welcome to stay as long as you wanted.

“It’s just so hard to find a decent place in my price range.”

“I mean it,” Jackson reiterated, adding emphasis. “If you want to stay, I enjoy having a roommate.”

You searched for hidden motives in his voice, his expression. Was this part of a long game to get you back? But his tone was friendly and open. Knowing how quickly he jumped from his ex-wife to you to Sarah, there was no way he didn’t already have his eye on someone new. At this point, you were just roommates.

“You mean permanently? Isn’t living with an ex a recipe for disaster?”

He chuckled. “The last few years with my wife were much worse than this, trust me. We were trying to stay together until the kids went to college, but emotionally, we were already divorced. It was awful… sharing a room. Constant fighting.” His eyes took a dull, faraway look as he remembered.

Worry lines creased your brow. “Are you sure you want to put yourself through that again?”

He grinned, snapping out of it, and patted you on the head like you were one of his kids. “You are nothing like her. We’re friends.”

You liked the sound of that. Friends.

November 14th

The sound of screams greeted you as you opened the front door and hung your keys on their hook next to your jacket. Jackson was watching a scary movie marathon in the living room, apropos of the foggy autumn weather.

“Candyman. Care to join?” He patted the cushion beside him.

You stayed up past midnight in your pajamas, sharing popcorn, laughing, and hiding your eyes from the gory parts. Jackson remained on the opposite side of the couch, careful not to touch you.

November 19th

You caught Jackson having lunch with an attractive student. It made your blood freeze, then boil when he walked with her back to his office.

Alone.

Fists clenched, you pressed your ear to the closed door, and heard… an essay on the role of religion in perpetuating homophobia. He was helping her edit a paper. Like professors do.

You followed them all the way from the dining hall just for talking.

When did you become a crazy ex? Why would you care if he was schtupping a hot student? You wanted him to move on—you were glad he didn’t tear up every time you walked into the kitchen anymore. But you knew then that you weren’t over him yet.

If you saw him out with someone new, it would sting like he was betraying you all over again. So you tried hard to be the one to move on first.

November 30th

A car honked outside.

“Oh, that’s my date,” you apologized to Jackson. “Gotta go.”

You got a little rush of schadenfreude from the kicked-puppy look that flashed across his face as you left him mid-conversation, sitting at the kitchen table across from your abandoned teacup. It felt like a big fuck-you, letting him know you’d be fucking someone else. A dare: let’s see if you really meant it when you said we could be friends.

But the look had barely contorted his features when he swallowed it down and smiled, “Be safe.”

He was probably going on plenty of dates himself and just didn’t tell you out of consideration for your feelings. He didn’t want you to feel used, betrayed, and immediately replaced. You were both moving on.

After a string of Tinder hookups, you felt like Jackson was out of your system, romantically speaking.

December 17th

A light dusting of snow floated down through the pale morning air. Jackson woke up on the left side of the bed, as he did every morning, and as he did every morning, turned to his right hoping to find you there. The blankets were cold.

He shivered.

You had a date last night and didn’t come home. He waited up, but never heard your car in the driveway, your keys in the door. Since you weren’t there to see his red eyes, he allowed himself to cry.

February 14th

A dull, rhythmic thumping carried through the walls. The creaking of a mattress. You cried out a name, voice cracking as you came for the second time.

It was the same guy again.

Casual hookups he could handle, but it had been the same guy for weeks now. Jackson told himself he deserved this. This was what he did to you, only while you were together. When you trusted him not to. He deserved to hear the one he loved being taken by another man.

As much as he wanted you to be his, you weren’t. He had no right to feel burning bile rising in his stomach at each of your moans and gasps. You were doing nothing wrong.

“You live here. Of course you can have dates over. No, it’s not awkward. We’re friends.”

A hot tear slid from his eye as he buried his head in a pillow.

This guy better take care of you.

May 1st

He didn’t have a roommate anymore. Not really. You spent all your time at Rodney’s apartment.

Soon you would move out, and he’ll have lost you forever.

He wanted to warn you not to move so fast, but what right did he have to judge? He let you move at the same pace with him. Let you trust him, fall in love with him, have a spare toothbrush on his sink within a few months. All the while, he figured a little action on the side wouldn’t hurt. Did he think he could chase two of you at once and get to keep the winner?

Idiot.

Sinner. That’s what his mami would say.

The few times you were home, he didn’t express his concerns about your boyfriend. He would only sound jealous, and it would push you away. If he wanted to be someone you would still answer the phone for when you moved out, he had to be a good friend, not a jealous ex.

Fuck. He hoped it worked out between you and Rodney. He really did. He hoped you were happy.

October 2nd

You came home for the first time in weeks crying. Heavy tears rolled down your face, legs shaking as you crawled up the stairs to your bedroom. Jackson was off the couch in an instant, spring up to follow you.

“Hey… Hey, what’s wrong?” He gingerly touched your shoulder, palm spreading out to make comforting circles when you didn’t shake him off. “Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head, sniffing as you slumped down onto your bed. Jackson sat beside you, worry etched into his features. He was so cute. After all this time, he still cared about you. You thought about all the times he’d begged for you back, in the beginning, desperate to hold you again. Fuck, you just wanted to feel that wanted again.

“Rodney and I broke up,” you mumbled.

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear th—”

You gripped the hair at the back of his head and tugged him roughly into a kiss. Every muscle in his neck and shoulders tensed. A surprised noise was muted between your crushing lips. You could have sworn, for a moment, he started kissing you back, but then his big hands clamped like two vices on your shoulders, and he pushed you away.

“What are you doing?” His eyes were wide.

“What does it look like?” you purred, fingers clawing at the buttons of his cardigan. “I want you to take me, Jackson.”

His hands stopped you from leaning close again. “No. Stop it.”

“Come on, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“We can’t… I won’t take advantage of you like that. You’re just upset, and—”

“Fuck you! So you’ll fuck anyone and not give a shit—you’ll fuck around on me and break my heart, but you won’t fuck me when I’m asking you to?! The one time I just need you to be there, and now you’re on your high fucking horse, pretending to be a good guy?! I bet you’d screw Sarah! Fuck you. Fuck you!”

Your shoulders shook as your tirade broke down more and more into sobs. Deep down, you knew he was right. You’d regret it in the morning. But you couldn’t he just… want you?

“Why? Why not? Am I that… am I that unlovable?”

“Because you crying.” Tears were shimmering in his eyes as he said it, softly wiping a tear from your cheek. “You’re crying.”

With a gasp, you threw yourself down on the bed and buried your face in a pillow. You screamed into it, your own breath hot and wet against your face. Jackson’s weight shifted the mattress beside you, and your hand shot out in panic, blindly groping toward the movement. You felt pathetic. Needy. But you didn’t want to be alone.

“Don’t go.”

The mattress sank back down under him. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t take advantage of you, but if you want me to stay, I’ll stay. As long as you want.”

That was all you wanted to hear in that moment, to know someone wouldn’t abandon you. His warm hand rubbed your back in slow circles as you wept, patiently listening as you told him everything in disjointed, broken pieces. How you were just being paranoid—invading Rodney’s privacy when he left his phone unlocked. You were paranoid because your last boyfriend cheated. Then you found the lewd messages, and it didn’t seem real. Plans to meet at a bar downtown. You didn’t believe it until he was toweling off, telling you something came up with his mom, and he’d be out for a while. And you followed him down to the bar and saw them together.

“He was an asshole,” Jackson said.

“Am I doomed? Cursed? Why does everyone cheat on me? Is it my fault?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Shut up! You did it, too,” you snapped. “I’m just not special enough to hold anyone’s attention. I’ll never be enough.”

“No,” he growled with a ferocity that startled you, “You’re wonderful, and anyone would be lucky to have you. That guy was an asshole, and so was I for taking you for granted. You did nothing to deserve this. One day you’ll find someone who appreciates you… who learns to treat you the way you deserve to be treated before they lose the best thing to ever happen to them.”

You shifted to press yourself closer to him. The tears didn’t stop, but a warmth spread through your chest. Jackson felt like a cozy sweater—warm and familiar. Easy to cry into. His arms were surprisingly solid and thick, but gentle when they closed around you.

He was a comfortable old sweater you could slip back on after leaving it in the closet for a year.

***

Hours passed by, and you had no more tears left. No energy left to move. Jackson was still beside you, keeping watch, as promised. You were curled up with your head in his lap, his fingers in your hair.

When he was sure you were asleep, he carefully extracted himself from under you, gradually shifting your head onto the pillow so you wouldn’t wake up. He breathed, heart aching as he looked down at your sleeping form. You deserved better than tear-stained cheeks. He knew he had no right to be so angry, but he couldn’t stand seeing you hurt again.

You wouldn’t have been if he had just…

He let his tears fall silently. This was about you, and he didn’t want to make you console him, but you were asleep now. He could let go.

He ran his fingers through your hair one last time. Then, with a furtive glance, he bent and pressed a tender kiss to your forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I never stopped.”

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Tags: @beccabarba​ / @itsjustmyfantasyroom​ / @thatesqcrush​ / @dianilaws​ / @permanentlydizzy​ / @mrsrafaelbarba​ / @madamsnape921​ / @astrangegirlsmind​ / @neely1177​ / @onerestein​ / @dreamlover31​ / @isvvc-pvscvl​​  / @shroomiehomie / @storiesofsvu​ / @welcometothemxdhouse​​ / @feedthemadness-sweetie​ / @law-nerd105​ / @amelia-song-pond​ / @michael-rooker​ / @xecq / @madpanda75​ / @alwaysachorusgirl​ / @bananas-pajamas​ / @leanor-min​ / @mad-girl-without-a-box​ / @katierpblogg​ / @worldofvixen​ / @sassyada​ / @detectivebarba​

[funkymbtifiction]

Yay I have questions about fantastic beasts! I am so excited you watched it, feel free to spoiler tag this or answer it later if needed!

I think I remember you thought Grindelwald was INFJ then ENTJ now back to INFJ again. Is that because of inconsistency between movies? He has a diabolical ruthless practicality even in this movie, how do you argue it's Fe over Te?

I'll try not to spoil anything for anyone. ;)

He seems extremely gifted with Fe in the first film, and far more callous and detached in the second, and in the third one again, he's somewhere in-between -- but he pretty much straight up uses people to do his bidding 24/7 by motivating them, manipulating them emotionally, and telling them what they want to hear, or even taunting them as a last emotional dig ("Who will love you now?"); evil TJs don't use these tactics, because it wouldn't occur to them to attack people's emotions in that way. Like it or hate it, feelers are emotionally "aware" of other people and how to appeal to them on that level, and that's where Grindelwald goes automatically, which means he's a feeling type. His "plan" in this movie is to convince the masses he is the right person for the job, rather than just seize power through force. He needs/wants their support and approval. He could be ENFJ given his high levels of success in mass-manipulation and getting others to follow him without question, but it feels like Fe is his "tool" to get things, rather than his way of life (not dominant).

Another thing I noticed, you know how he talks about the 'stench' of muggles? And later he rolls down the windows so he can be carried off by his supporters, because he wants to feel the moment or something? Is this how Se manifests for high Ni users, being immersed in their senses but it's given some idealised interpretation or symbolism?

Yeah. It also indicates low Se awareness of the danger he is in -- NJs in particular can be reckless in their self-confidence; he believes he is all-powerful and desirable to the masses, so there is no risk in walking into the middle of a mob that could literally tear him apart. It's the thrill of engagement without thought for his survival. I don't know what type his female second in command is, but she may be a 6w5 -- "this is dangerous." She assesses the situation as a potential threat, whereas he sees it as the manifestation of his vision / of his acceptance and earning the accolades and praise he craves.

I also wanted to ask about Dumbledore's enneagram. You went from 5 to 1 to 9 if I remember correctly. In the books, he has this critical schoolteacher quality to him, like when Harry doesn't make an attempt to find Slughorn's potion in time and Dumbledore guilt trips him for failing to meet his standards. Whenever he's truly pissed off, his anger is usually described as cold or icy as well. I always took this to signify 1ish qualities, why did you decide on 9w8 over 9w1? Am I misinterpreting 8 to be explosive or aggressive, could it be cold as well? Or would having moments of being cold, icy and having high standards for others just be an INFJ thing regardless of enneagram?

Dumbledore has always been tricky for me, since the books / stories portray him in so many different ways. I mean, we meet him in the very first chapter, where a 1 (McGonagall) says she doesn't think they should leave Harry with the Dursleys, because "these are the worst sort of Muggles imaginable!" and Dumbledore just does the wizard equivalent of a "shrug / whatever, it will be fine." Then we see him through Harry's eyes, in which he is a dottering old "fool" with a twinkle in his eye, but who is still... amazingly calm a lot of the time. Unlike Michael Gambon played him in the films (ahem), Dumbledore tends to react "calmly" to Harry ("Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire, Harry?" Dumbledore asked calmly). He can stand in front of the Mirror of Erised and only see himself holding a pair of socks, since he is fully content with himself. All 9ish qualities.

But the wing is tricky. I could honestly see 9w8 or 9w1, either one -- 1s tend to appoint themselves as gods in their judgments, and he certainly does that at times -- with Snape, with Harry, etc. Is he concerned with the morality of his actions? Is he assuming that he alone has the right answer and so others must follow him? Yes. I would need to read the books again, they're kind of a blur in my mind in terms of characterization (I have an "impression" of Dumbledore), but he could very well be a 9w1.

It's interesting, I was talking to a fellow Potterhead earlier today about how I could see my own 6-ness in how I reacted to the events around his downfall in the books, and who was responsible for it. (Spoilers, if anyone is actually clueless about this.) My reasoning was very 6 / attachment. Dumbledore is trustworthy (he has proven himself), he knows more than anyone else, and so, like Lupin, I had to believe that if Dumbledore saw the good in Snape and believed in him, Snape could not possibly have betrayed him and murdered him as accused. Because Dumbledore trusted Snape, and I trusted Dumbledore, I also trusted Snape -- in spite of all the petty, stupid things he did that were just plain unnecessary and mean. So Snape killing Dumbledore 'shook me' because... was Dumbledore that wrong in his judgment of Snape's character? Nah. Snape would be vindicated, I just knew it. I approached the entire thing in a very "heady" way, which is how I do everything -- I think about it, analyze it, and reach a conclusion.

But my 9 INFP friend is... so not like that at all. There's no analysis, just a Fi-driven reaction accompanied by gut instinct. She doesn't like Snape, and she doesn't like Dumbledore either, so there was no rationalizing the why of Snape's actions, so much as a judgment against them. We then debated what construes 'morality' for each of us, and it boiled down to (for her) "whether I approve" (Fi-dom) and for me "whether it serves the greater good" (big picture + 6 super-ego stance). Interesting, huh?

The question of Hermione being a 6 (with a 1 fix) has also been raised elsewhere, which means I'll have to think back and consider if her reasoning about Snape follows mine, because if I remember right, it does... "Harry, Dumbledore trusts Snape, so he must be okay!"

[yandere-daydreams]

Is it OK if I request some Yan!Dabi? I reaaally miss him 😭 Perhaps in a situation where he's feeling touch-starved? I need cuddles from my fav fire boii. Thank you in advance!

I generally try to avoid content that seems so soft, but if there’s anything I jump at, it’s the chance to reinforce the idea that Dabi is, secretly, an emotionally unstable man who probably wouldn’t be able to tell kindness apart from human decency. It’s a character flaw we love to see.

Title: Wants and Needs.

TW: Kidnapping, Stalking, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of Burning, Emotional Manipulation, Slight Dehumanization, and Mentions of Death. 

~

It felt like Dabi needed to watch you, sometimes.

Well, ‘watching’ might’ve been the wrong word of it. He used to watch you, really watch you. He’d stand outside your apartment complex for hours at a time, scanning the side of the building for your window or just lurking near the doors, waiting, stalking. He would watch you from the other side of a bar, an untouched drink in one hand and the other tapping nervous rhythms into the wooden countertop, a group of his more noticeable friends often loitering somewhere in the background. You knew what it felt like to be watched, you knew what he looked like when he was trying to watch you, and you knew he didn’t have a reason to, not anymore. He hadn’t since he locked you up in this filthy apartment, since he fixed you into place, since he cut off your head and mounted it on the wall just so he’d be able to glance at his trophy and admire himself once or twice a day. Sometimes less, if he was distracted. Sometimes more, if he was feeling cruel.

Staring felt primal. Staring felt hot, alighting your skin with the kind of itching, paranoid fire prey must’ve felt when it discovered it wasn’t really a predator.

This was barely lukewarm, in comparison.

He was doing it again, for the second time today, the seventh time this week. You tried not to pay him any mind, not to return his prying gaze, but it was hard to stay focused on the book in your hands while he was in the doorway, one shoulder slumped against the frame and his fists shoved in his pockets, his eyes half-lidded but unblinking, all the same. He didn’t seem to dislike silence, but he hated it when you said something he didn’t want to hear, a lesson the scarred skin plated over your chest could testify to. It was hard to tell what might set him off, and you tried to avoid topics that didn’t suit the domestic fantasy he’d carved out for himself, but your room was small, more of a closet with a bed shoved into the corner. Unless you wanted to pull the sheets over your head and act like a child attempting to block out the darkness, there was nowhere you could go that his stare wouldn’t follow. Confrontation wasn’t the wisest route, but he had a way of whittling down your options, like that. The worst path was often the only path, when Dabi was around.

Still, you tried to keep things simple, keep your tone neutral and your attention centered on the page you were open to, even if you hadn’t read a word since he made his first appearance. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” His response came quickly, defensively. As if he was the one with a collar around his neck and a chain keeping him linked to the nearest wall. “Obviously, nothing’s wrong. Did I say anything was wrong?”

He hadn’t said anything. He never said anything, not on his own, not after he fell into one of his moods. You couldn’t expect anything else, though, not from the man that’d spoken his first words to you while forcing a needle-full of something clear and dizzying into your jugular vein. “You seem tense,” You mumbled, trying to resist the temptation to sink into the barred headboard. “You get… kill-y, when you’re tense. I’m allowed to worry when you start to look like you’re plotting my death.”

“I’ve never killed you,” He scoffed, thinking for a moment before shaking his head, straightening his posture before he went on. “If anything, I should be the one doling out the questions. I’ve been taking care of you, I’ve been spoiling you, and you still act like I’m going to rip your heart out the minute I get close to you.” He was getting aggressive, now, but it was far from the bright, sadistic glee he usually wore while searching for an excuse to fill your lungs with smoke and coat you in your own blood. No, this was something darker, something duller, more of a tantrum than anything, a fit that was more likely to end in a few harsh names and a forgotten meal than real violence. That didn’t mean he was any less volatile as he went on, though. “I didn’t bring you here just to watch you start shaking every time I put my hands you. I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want to be the bad guy in my own fucking relationship. I don’t want--”

“What do you want?”

Immediately, Dabi fell silent, going rigid as soon as you cut off his rant. But, if he was really trying to act as altruistic as he claimed to be, you couldn’t be punished just for talking back. Your fists were balling at the bedsheets before you could stop to yourself, your book closed, thrown to the side and your stance just as offensive as Dabi’s, even if all you could do was sit up and lean forward, considering just how short he’d chosen to make your restraints, your tether, your leash. That’s what it was, really - you were on a leash, made into a glorified pet, one that refused to lick its master’s cheek, even after he made such an effort to bring it home and lock it in a cage. Honestly, he should just be glad you didn’t choose to bite, instead. “You kidnapped me, I’m a captive. I don’t have to prance around and just to keep you entertained just because you’re nice enough to make sure I don’t starve to death. How am I supposed to know what you want? It’s not like you’ve ever tried to tell to me.” It was your turn to roll your eyes, your turn to cross your arms and huff. “For all I know, this could just be some prolonged, creative torture session to see which one of us can make the other more miserable before you snap and decide to smother me in my sleep.”

Dabi didn’t speak, but he took a step forward, his passive scowl pulled into a snarl.

Instantly, you remembered why you’d made an effort to hold your tongue, before.

You opened your mouth, a dozen different apologies already playing over in your mind, but by the time you could think about vocalizing something small and pathetic enough to earn his forgiveness, lithe fingers were already slipping under your collar, dragging you forward despite your attempts to hide yourself away. You could practically feel the blow before it came, hot and searing and unbearable and...

And gentle.

The hit never came. As abruptly as his aggression had manifested, it dissipated, dissolving into thin air as an arm wrapped around your waist, then another, your chest soon pulled flush against his and his face quickly buried in your shoulder, his body falling onto the mattress like dead-weight, taking yours along with it. His touch was still warm, his calloused palms still smoldering against your lower back, but it didn’t hurt, didn’t bring tears to your eyes, didn’t maim. You didn’t relax, but you were stunned into lifelessness, and that seemed to be enough for Dabi. He let out a heavy, ragged exhale, pulling you closer in the space between one breath and the next. “I just…” He started, only to trail off, his lips pressing into a stern, sealed line against the dip of your shoulder. “I don’t know what I want. I just know I don’t want you to hate me.”

Any other time, you might’ve called him out. You hated him, you had to hate him, and he had to know that, even if he tried not to acknowledge it. You moved to push him away, to free yourself from his vice-grip, but something stopped you. A hitched breath, a scalding dampness against your skin. An inaudible, almost unnoticeable attempt to speak, only for his thoughts to be swallowed down with something that sounded eerily similar to a cracked sob, or… the closest Dabi could come to one of those, at least.

Your hands settled in his hair, instead, carding through the ash-stained mess, encouraging him to lean ino you, rather than back away. You still didn’t like him, and no amount of tears would earn him your pity, but…

He wasn’t looking at you. He couldn’t, when he was like this.

That’d have to be enough, for now.

[dsmp-shitposts]

OKAY I'm in an analysis mood so!!

Here's why "Savior" by Rise Against is such a good song about c!wilbur and c!Tommy's relationship in the dream smp!

Firstly tho I just want to give an honorable mention to the first lines of the song: "it kills me not to know this / but I've all but just forgotten / what the color of her eyes were / or the scars and how she got them." it's such a good c!bee duo line and I might have to analyze it in another post lol

(there's kinda a tldr at the bottom if you don't want to read the specific lyric analysis and just was the overall analysis!)

The lyrics I want to analyze (these are more about characterization) are: "as the telling signs of age rain down / a single tear is dropping / through the valleys of an aging face / that this world has forgotten." this is about wilburs resurrection. the first lyrics, "as the telling signs of age rain down" are about how much more different Wilbur looks to Tommy after he was resurrected. wilbur was in limbo for what he perceived to be 13 years, and he shows it physically. he has the white streak of hair that signifies his revival, and I know there's a popular headcanon that wilbur came back "wrong." "A single tear is dropping" is referring to Tommy's reaction to the revival. we know he was in disbelief and even angry at wilbur being back, but intense emotions also can bring on tears. it's a very natural response from your body. The third line is pretty much the same as the first, but "that this world has forgotten" is about wilburs impact on the history of the smp. obviously he's been a very big player in many major plot points, but since his death he has mainly faded to the background in most characters minds, especially after ghostbur's library with all the records from lmanberg got destroyed. as the smp progressed, wilbur got talked about less. focus shifted from him to dream who really emerged as the villain in the story after wilburs death. we can see the impact of this after wilburs revival. everyone on the smp had gotten used to living without him for so long, growing past the people they were when Wilbur was alive. and now when Wilbur gets revived, he expected fanfare and everyone welcoming him back, but in reality people's memory of him faded.

okay now that we have the preface lyrics, we can go into the ones that are more about tommy and Wilbur as a duo. the first ones before the chorus are "but seldom do these words ring true / when I'm constantly failing you / walls that we just can't break through / until we disappear." I'm gonna analyze this with the first two lines and the last two. the first two lines are from Tommy's perspective about him trying to constantly please wilbur. we see this with him gathering lots of stone for him and following Wilbur to stand against Las nevadas and quackity. but even with all of this, Tommy still feels like he's "constantly failing" wilbur and that he needs to do more in order to stay in high regard in Wilbur's mind. we could even look at these same lyrics from wilbur's perspective! wilbur might have felt like he's failed Tommy for not being there for him for the time he was in limbo. I know Wilbur doesn't know about what dream did to Tommy in the exile arc, but I'm betting that if/when wilbur finds out about that, he will feel horrible for not being there himself to stop dream because wilbur cares about Tommy. (this could even lead to him resenting ghostbur more because ghostbur was there but wasn't able to do anything). now with the second half of these lyrics, the "walls that we just can't break through" is referring to the emotional vulnerability, or lack thereof, between the two. I'd argue that wilbur is more emotionally vulnerable to Tommy than Tommy is to wilbur. now, there is a severe lack of communication between the two, but wilbur drops "trauma bombs" where he'll unload something all at once and suddenly. he doesn't do much internal reflection of his feelings, instead wanting to share with others, Tommy in this case, to get validation. with sharing, he wants people to agree that he's a bad person but at the same time wants them to refute those ideas so he feels like he's healing without actually doing anything. now Tommy does more introspection about his feelings (cc! Tommy monologuing) and doesn't feel as big a need as wilbur to share his feelings and trauma. and besides, Wilbur dominates the conversation most of the time anyways so Tommy wouldn't likely be able to carry a constructive conversation about his own feelings without getting talked over by wilbur.

now we're moving onto the chorus! it goes: "that's when she said / 'I don't hate you / I just want to save you / while there's still something left to save' / that's when I told her 'i love you / but I'm not the answer / for the questions that you still have.'" I see this as a conversation between Wilbur and Tommy; Tommy saying the "I don't hate you" section and Wilbur saying the "I love you" section. it's important for Tommy to make it clear to wilbur, and himself, that he doesn't hate Wilbur despite his past betrayal of lmanberg. wilbur thinks everyone hates him, so Tommy consistently sticking by his side is a reminder to Wilbur that he isn't alone. Tommy staying by wilburs side is also how he's ensuring that wilbur doesn't spiral again ("I just want to save you"). he knows that wilbur still isn't in the best mental place, not having the right environment to heal in limbo, so it's more crucial in his mind to be wilbur's crutch right now because it'd be very easy for wilbur to spiral again ("while there's still something left to save"). wilbur, with his part of the lyrics, wants to ensure that Tommy knows he still cares about him despite being gone for a long time. now for the last part of wilburs lyrics, I would love for it to mean that "wilbur understands that he can't be a good mentor to Tommy anymore because of everything that happened. he wants Tommy to realize that he does care for him but their relationship shouldn't function with Wilbur as a mentor anymore," but that wouldn't be accurate to their canon relationship. wilbur still wants to be Tommy's mentor because that's how their relationship has always functioned. my hope is that in wilbur's healing process that he realizes he doesn't have to be a mentor to Tommy, they can just exist as friends. and I would love for Tommy to realize that it's not his job to save Wilbur! while having friends you can talk about your emotions with is good, he shouldn't have to push his own feelings aside to prioritize wilbur's. wilbur also needs to learn that self reflection is a part of healing

the final specific lyrics I want to analyze are: "one thousand miles away / there's nothing left to say / but so much left that I don't know / we never had a choice / this world is too much noise / it takes me under once again." the first three lines, in my opinion, all relate to the fact that Tommy had gone through so much while wilbur was dead, such has dream's manipulation. the last three lines of this section, which are honestly my favorites, are relating to both of their revivals. even though wilbur and Tommy have developed so differently since the lmanberg and pogtopia eras, they have this one thing in common. Tommy didn't have a choice in his death or resurrection. both were committed by dream and have contributed to the massive amount of trauma and PTSD that Tommy has. wilburs death was practically by his own hand as it was an assisted suicide, but his resurrection wasn't his choice, again done by dream murdering ghostbur. that line could also refer to wilbur not feeling like he had a choice in living anymore, feeling like death was the only option for him at the end of his spiral. the last two lines refer to the mental problems that both Wilbur and Tommy are still facing. we talked about wilburs a bit with his need for validation and him villainizing himself in his mind. Tommy still struggles with suicidal ideation, seen most recently with his comments while on the balcony in Las nevadas. he also struggles with his triggers from the final control room and the prison that we see him try and speedrun exposure therapy for. what I'm trying to get at with this is that wilbur and Tommy have developed so differently while away from each other but they have their resurrections in common.

OKAY CONCLUSION TIME!! (also kindof a tldr)

while Tommy and wilbur have been apart from each other for a while and developed in different ways, their relationship after both of them have been revived is centered around both of their relationships to healing from their trauma. Tommy feels like he's the one who has to "save" wilbur and keep him from spiraling again, letting his own feelings be pushed aside to prioritize wilbur's. wilbur lets himself be the saved to Tommy's savior. he consistently seeks out validation for his own feelings instead of taking the time to sort out how he really feels about the things that have happened to him.

if you read this far then oh wow thank you!! I hope this made sense and I'd love to hear what you think of the comparisons to this song!

[freckleddoll]

Reasons why Doll could still be alive

1. I’m still in denial

I compiled a list of reasons why I think that there is a possibility of Doll coming back in the future! Although I do think the chances are slim, given the fact that she hasn’t appeared in the Manga since 2009, which was 12 years ago. However, there is a handful of reasons from a story telling perspective of why it’s possible, and also a handful of inconsistencies between Doll’s death and all of the other Noah’s Ark Circus deaths. Very long post under the cut.

Starting with the most obvious, we never see Doll’s death actually happened, it’s ever only implied.

We don’t hear a direct command, it’s only implied that she died. This is “affirmed” a second later by Undertaker.

He laughs about how Ciel is hastily, and that he can not take back what he’s done, even if he regrets it later. However, this isn’t explicitly about Doll. We as the audience are made to believe that this is about her because we just saw the frame before, of Doll’s signature lollipop falling.

We have seen every other death on screen. We are certain to see each of their corpses, except for Joker, who’s death is confirmed by William T Spears earlier in the chapter.

This is placed conveniently, or dare I say, deliberately before Doll’s death. We see William and Ronald collecting souls only before Doll shows up. The only other Reaper we see in this chapter afterwards is Undertaker.

This is of course speculation, but I don’t believe that the death Undertaker is referring to here is Doll’s death. I think he might be referring to the massacre Ciel and Sebastian have basically just committed after being employed for this mission to save the children. This is something Ciel can not take back. But Undertaker never explicitly said Doll, in fact, he specifically chose the phrase “to hold each and every soul dear” which implies that multiple souls were lost. I don’t think he is actually talking about the Circus Troupe, Doll or Joker.

What could this mean?

I think we are purposefully being misdirected as an audience member here, and I believe that the decision to withhold the details of Doll’s death was deliberate. I believe that the narrative is purposefully withholding information that will much later in the story become important.

Another thing I’d like to point out is, why on earth is Undertaker here? His presence isn’t explained, other than to “affirm” Doll’s death. He is seen with a carriage, along with Charles Grey and Charles Phipps. Well this could tie back to R!Ciel, I think that it’s also possible that:

Doll is actually dead and the information being withheld from us is that Undertaker took her body to later use as a Bizarre Doll to mess with Ciel later in the series.

Doll was disarmed by Sebastian, and once they left, perhaps even believing Doll was dead, Doll was taken in by Undertaker and R!Ciel for revenge or something. I know this one is a lot more dodgy, but it’s the one I believe makes more narrative sense.

Now let’s move on to how this makes sense from a narrative perspective.

Obviously, Snake is still alive, and believes that his family is alive. He goes to Ciel’s manor looking for them.

Ciel offers Snake a position at the Phantomhive manor, under the guise that they are looking for Snake’s family. Snake joins him because Ciel is manipulating him here, telling him that Snake can essentially have a new family at the manor while looking for his old family.

I believe Doll is a big influence as to why Ciel makes this decision. 

Ciel sees Doll when he looks at Snake, which seems to be painful for Ciel. He then goes out of his way to affirm that they were, in fact, bad people (perhaps to justify his own actions in his mind) but then goes back on this and claims that he believes they were good people as to manipulate Snake.

He wants to help them achieve happiness and give them the chance to atone for their sins. The question is, is Ciel taking Snake in to atone for his own sins or to manipulate Snake?

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. A crucial character that is being played in this scene is of course, Doll. In every single memory that Snake shares, Doll is center frame, or the person who was closest to him.

Doll is either takes up the most space in the frame, or she’s the one who is standing closest to Snake. Not even Joker is this present in all of the images, but she is in all of them. While we didn’t see this much play out in the actual Book of Circus arc (given that Snake had very little screentime in that arc anyway), we can infer from these images that Snake felt the closest to Doll out of everyone at the Circus.

We also aren’t just seeing his actual memories normally, we are seeing his memories in an emotionally charged state. While he is feeling highly emotional, the person he thinks of the most is Doll. This is not just him remembering her as being the friendliest or most open person to him, this is who he was actually closest with within the Circus.

Doll’s relationship with both Snake and Ciel are very important parts of both of these characters. We see Ciel soften and feel guilt when he is reminded of Doll, and we see that Snake and Doll were presumably very close because of this scene.

Also just some fun images that I felt like pointing out:

Doll is featured in this image with one of Snake’s snakes. There isn’t much of a reason to feature one of these Snake’s snakes, unless we’re meant to infer a connection between these two.

I’m not quite sure where this image came from, but look! Doll and Snake are sitting next to each other, and Snake has a little smile on his face, which as we know isn’t very common for Snake in this series. There are very few instances of him smiling. However, this is obvious in the anime style so it likely isn’t manga compliant it’s cute though.

They’re featured together in another image!

Now for Doll and Ciel of course:

Doll and Ciel are seen here lying together.

These two images are very important to me and I feel they both hold a deeper meaning. Now it’s time to talk about Ciel and Doll.

Of course, there is the eye symbolism. Both of them keep an eye covered up, because both are hiding secrets that they need to keep covered up. Both wear a costume and live under a persona (Doll’s Circus persona that hides her identity of someone who kidnaps children and Ciel’s Smile persona where he is hiding his identity of the Queen’s watchdog). Yet, both of them are drawn to each other despite their secrets and form lasting connections.

We also see Ciel reaching out to Doll, and Sebastian taking the lollipop out of his hand. He is literally taking her away from him and blinding him from finding her. He is concealing the truth?

Despite what her family says, Doll refuses to believe that Ciel is with the yard.

She draws the parallels between herself and Ciel right here! She literally said it herself! Both of them are capable of holding secrets, and despite what appearances may suggest, people are still capable of hiding things. When she says “but we” she is acknowledging that appearances don’t always match expectations.

However, she still believes in him, up until the very end.

Even up until this point, she was still willing to listen to Ciel, and denies it until she can’t anymore. She reflects on their time together, having believed that their friendship was real.

Doll finally accepts it and feels hurt, betrayed and angry. She tries to kill him after this. Instead of anger, fear or hatred, this is the face we see Ciel make.

He looks sad and tired. This isn’t the face of someone who takes pleasure in the idea of killing her. We see him feel remorse for Doll even earlier, like I pointed out earlier in this scene

This scene is what compels him to take Snake in, being reminded of Doll. He looks sad here, he looks remorseful.

But most importantly, there is this image.

This takes place in the Green Witch arc, meaning that he is still thinking about Doll, she is still relevant up until this point in the story.

This image isn’t necessarily him leaving behind those who impacted his life who have since died, though that is certainly part of it. As we know, R!Ciel is still alive which O!Ciel at this point was not aware of. This picture does not reflect the complete truth.

His last obstacle could be interpreted as the Circus itself, but Doll and Joker aren’t positioned together like Rachel and Vincent are. Doll is a distance away from Joker in this image, and her image is a different size than Joker’s, implying that they are two completely different obstacles. In my opinion, Joker represents the Circus as a whole and himself. He represents all the sacrifices he had to make in Baron Kelvin’s manor. He could even represent his trauma while inside the cult.

But Doll is a completely different obstacle. She represents a personal obstacle. She seems to have impacted him greatly, being an influence in what compelled him to take Snake in. She is also one of the only people in this series we see Ciel feel remorse for. She is important.

At this point, this is supposed to give us the conclusion to all of these stories and ideas. But as highly speculated by the fandom (and practically canon) the first Ciel we see in the image is actually R!Ciel who O!Ciel left behind at the cult, who we know is still alive. The first greatest obstacle and his last greatest obstacle. That’s symbolism right there, right?

But I don’t believe that Snake’s story has concluded just yet. His family should still be a huge part of his character and his motivations. If his story isn’t leading up to something, than I think it’s going to be a rather poor choice on Yana Toboso’s part. But as we know, she doesn’t just do things for no reason, I believe that a lot of this was intentional.

TL;DR: Because Doll’s death is never specifically seen on screen, because Undertaker seems to purposefully mislead us after Doll’s death (and because of Undertaker’s presence in the first place), because the promise of looking for Snake’s family who is pivotal to Snake’s character, and because of the importance of Doll’s relationships with both O!Ciel and Snake, I believe that there is a chance that Yana Toboso is planning on bringing Doll back into the story.

This is all speculation, of course. I’d love for it to be true, but it is still rather dodgy given the fact that Doll hasn’t appeared in the Manga in twelve years. I could definitely just suffering from hopeful thinking, but I would love to see our girly make a return. Perhaps with R!Ciel? But the idea of her returning with R!Ciel is an idea for another day and I might make a separate post about it sometime! Thanks a bunch if you made it this far!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Honest question. What’s the difference between a himbo and an autistically coded character?

Oh, you’re asking about best boy Soren? Okay, I gotchu.

Super short Soren answer: Autistic-coded characters can come in Not-beefy Size. 

But there’s more to it than that. Read on!

I’ve been planning to make some posts on the autistic coded characters in TDP but I haven’t actually completed and posted any of them yet. thanks ADD I do see Soren’s autistic coding, and it’s really helped me understand him more fully, as his own character and as a member of the magefam and their history and dynamic.

I get the himbo reference, and I can totally see it. Love a good himbo, me. But if I might get overly picky for a hot second, I’m not super comfy with the “dumb men are safe” mentality hiding in its shadow. It’s not fair to anyone. Traditionally educated guys are fully capable of being kind and empathetic, the same as anyone else. No matter who you are, that’s a matter of awareness, choice, and practice. And “dumb” isn’t fair, either. There are many kinds of intelligence, and being kind and respectful and enthusiastically supporting family, friends, women, and cute little forest animals doesn’t make you dumb - it makes you emotionally intelligent. 

Himbos have big hearts because that’s the muscle they flex the most! They choose to be kind because they understand it’s important.

Okay, in the categories of himbo:

Soren is definitely tall/beefy. He’s done like a bajillion pushups, man. 

He’s had a great character arc through the first three seasons, which has shown him to have a true and kind heart underneath his armor.

And he’s emotionally intelligent, earnest, and straightforward (formerly: dumb). He knows how he feels, but he often has trouble expressing it eloquently. Possibly because his dad has the emotional range of weetabix. But again, that doesn’t change Soren’s feelings. It just makes him adorkable when he tries to express them.

Soren: himbo confirmed!

But he’s also carrying a lot of autistic coding with him. Seems like every time I rewatch his scenes, I find some other little clue.

Here’s a handy list of autistic strengths, several of which apply to Soren:

Learning to read at a very early age (known as hyperlexia).

Memorising and learning information quickly.

Thinking and learning in a visual way.

Logical thinking ability.

May excel (if able) in academic areas such as science, engineering and mathematics as they are technical and logical subjects that do not heavily rely on social interaction.

Having an extraordinarily good memory (being able to remember facts for a long period of time).

Being precise and detail orientated.

Exceptional honesty and reliability.

Being dependable in regards to schedules and routines.

Having an excellent sense of direction.

Be very punctual.

Strong adherence to rules.

Able to concentrate for long periods of time when motivated.

A drive for perfection and order.

A capability for alternate problem solving.

A rare freshness and sense of wonderment.

I’m not going to go into a full list for Soren’s autistic traits here, but a lot of these show up in Soren becoming the youngest member of the Crownguard. Being a warrior is his special interest. He’s constantly devoted to being in shape and ready to do his duty because he loves it and he takes it very seriously. He went against his father to rescue Ezran because he held his duty as a Crownguard higher than his own father’s schemes. 

At the same time, his trust in the rules made it easier for Viren to manipulate him and to direct his actions according to his own will. Soren thought that doing what his father instructed meant being a good son and a loyal Crownguard. If his dad hadn’t been a manipulative creep, then he’d have been right. Rules are static and easy to remember. People’s moods and motives can shift and get hard to read.

He’s also very literal. What you see is what you get, and imagining things outside factual boundaries takes a lot of work, so “sweeping the leg isn’t a thing in swordfighting” is something he believes very firmly, because he hasn’t learned otherwise yet. This also affects his humor: see the “Ka-tallest/Ka-shortest” joke, where he can’t follow Claudia’s adaptation of his wordplay because he hasn’t learned that particular trick yet either. Not being able to recognize sarcasm easily, especially from unfamiliar people, is a fairly common autistic trait: Rayla’s sass goes right over his head until he spends enough time around her to recognize her specific patterns of speech and dialogue.

Autistic folks have a tendency to have either low or high empathy, and sometimes have trouble expressing it. Soren clearly has plenty of empathy, but he struggles to express it well. He tries to engage with his family and friends, and even Bait, because he feels a deep connection to them no matter what his dad says. It’s what gives him his himbotastic emotional intelligence, even if he isn’t always sure what to do about how he feels.

You could hypothetically spot a difference between a himbo and an autistic-coded character if, say, they had low empathy (less himbo), or if they had an impressive skill with metaphoric thinking (less autistic-coded), or if they were not athletically inclined (less himbo), or if they were an incisive judge of social subtlety instead of accepting face value (less autistic-coded). But at the end of the day, I see Soren as a shining example of both!

[wombathos]

I really like your take on jgy, and letting himself go in his performance during his "villainous" scene. You mentioned that in Guanyin temple he is purposefully distancing himself from lxc, which is an interpretation I haven't seen before. If anything, jgy seems to be betting on lan xichen to save himself. He prevents him from going to the burial mounds and brings him with him, he appeals to his forgiveness... Where do you think he is distancing himself?

the ask is referencing this post, in which I said “he goes above and beyond in his efforts to pick apart everyone’s relationship even as he’s purposefully distancing himself from lan xichen” in a post about how jin guangyao is playing the villain in guanyin temple. so I wasn’t really precise in that post about a few things which I’m going to dig in now, basic summary below and then more extended discussion under the cut because this got… uh. long, I actually have a lot to say about this sorry

the overarching point here is that his performance and behaviour in guanyin temple isn’t a one-note affair and changes pretty drastically in terms of who is currently in control of the situation (as you’d expect, really) - and this affects both a) how much he’s drinking the villain juice and b) his behaviour towards lan xichen specifically. jgy - as ever - has several competing motivations, goals and fears throughout the whole ordeal of guanyin temple, which affects how he acts as well as what persona he decides to present to other characters. so with lxc as you rightly point out, he absolutely does have scenes where he’s entreating towards him, in part because he’s relying on lxc to help him, but there’s also other scenes where he’s… almost encouraging lxc to think the worst of him, or just acting quite coldly towards him. to get at what’s going on, I think it’s useful to make clear a few distinctions:

so first off I think for this it makes sense to not treat guanyin temple as one uninterrupted stretch - rather you have the run up to guanyin temple (from where wwx/lwj leave to burial mounds and jgy getting ‘injured’ to them going to guanyin temple - here how he treated lxc is really anyone’s guess), followed by,

jgy is in control, the other characters gradually show up and add to his hostage count and he has an unpleasant run in with a mistaken identity tomb but like, generally he’s in charge and thinks he’ll be able to execute his plan (this is a really long one)

lxc gets his spiritual powers back and holds jgy at sword point, the balance of power completely shifts. this is when jgy does most of his confessing, from incest to patricide to miscellaneous crimes and misdemeanours, the whole shebang

jgy takes jin ling hostage, lxc takes su she hostage. this is when jgy thinks he may be able to get away again

jgy’s arm gets chopped off and then it’s a chaotic free for all with wen ning joining in on the fun

everything has calmed down, lxc tends to jgy before stabbing him and watching him die

- followed by guanyin temple aftermath. especially for those first two, I’d say there’s a pretty clear change in behaviour on jgy’s part (afterwards it gets a bit murkier since the phases are also like… shorter), which makes sense because… well, personally I would certainly behave differently if I’m in control with multiple hostages as compared to when someone is pointing a sword at me. and I also think it makes sense to distinguish between the sets of concerns jgy is balancing throughout the guanyin fiasco, which I’m going to broadly delineate as a) practical (anything that has to do with him achieving his material goals) or b) emotional (not as in goals with an emotive component, but specifically his concerns for the emotional wellbeing of himself and others, by which I mean mainly lxc and possibly jin ling a little bit??)

one of the things you mention is jgy keeping lxc from burial mounds and I want to make clear when I spoke of him “distancing himself” from lxc, I didn’t mean he no longer cares about lxc. rather, he’s preparing himself for the end, for the increasing likelihood that lxc’s opinion of him is about to change drastically, fast. the practical concern here is keeping lxc alive, which he does very effectively by keeping him away from burial mounds and then making certain no harm comes to him as a hostage, the emotional one is… well, steeling himself for their likely separation? fearing more rejection from lxc once he hears everything jgy has done? hoping it will be easier if he can just keep playing his role and not wanting to be vulnerable in front of lxc? whatever the case - the argument that he’s ‘distancing himself’ from lxc, as well as the idea of him playing up being the villain, comes with a heavy asterisk:

this is only really true for when he’s in control in guanyin temple. in a nutshell, when the practical aims of ‘staying alive’ and ‘making sure lxc is all right’ and ‘getting the hell out of there’ look like they’re going to be achieved, are in fact still likely and he has concrete control over working towards them, he has a lot more space to act out in accordance to his emotional concerns, whether it’s preparing himself for his imminent separation from lxc or telling jiang cheng what a terrible brother he’s been for, idk, I guess the drama of it all? so in phase (1) of guanyin temple, it’s villainous monologues and barely looking at or talking to lxc, but in phase (2) his position is suddenly way more precarious. emotional distancing is fine and all up until the moment when you’re directly relying on this person to survive and like… at this point he can’t exactly afford for lxc to hate him? topic for another post, this, but in the post you reference I did also mention him enjoying picking apart his hostages’ relationships, which for obvious self-preservation reasons he does a lot less of in (2)

the danger of this interpretation is that it kind of makes it sound like I think that he’s putting on an act in (2) when he’s appealing to lxc and dropping the facade whenever he’s actually in charge, which is a fairly natural interpretation? and I think he’s dropping a facade in those scenes, even if he’s still playing up certain parts of himself and presenting another persona that might be… more honest than some but still not necessarily truthful? okay this is like. messy, but what I’m saying is it’s personas all the way down - and personally I reckon the one he shows to lxc when he’s begging for his life is actually one of the more honest ones. it fits in with a long-running theme of jgy and lxc’s dynamic that jgy shows lxc genuine emotions and vulnerabilities that are absolutely there, but still chooses which ones to show in a way that ends up being… cumulatively dishonest, or at least somewhat manipulative, I guess. at this point he knows that he can’t afford to distance himself from lxc and he confesses to all that because he’s quite right in thinking that this is what’s most likely to convince lxc to spare him, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less true. whereas when he’s in control, he has the choice to reveal certain parts of himself that he usually wouldn’t, but also has the power to hide ones he doesn’t want to show to lxc - because he knows he’s going to lose him

so that’s my general thesis: jgy was playing the villain and emotionally distancing himself from lxc when he could afford to do so from a practical standpoint but does so considerably less when he’s put in a situation where he’s reliant on other characters’ goodwill to keep him alive. he continues caring about lxc throughout and does so right up to his death but would like to prepare both himself and possibly lxc too from the coming separation by creating emotional distance between the two of them. also as with everything jgy does, fear is a huge driver: everything in his life has led him to expect lxc’s rejection once he knows all he has done and because lxc has played such a special role in his life that rejection is a truly terrifying thing. showing your vulnerabilities to anyone is scary even when you aren’t in the sort of situation jgy is in. so anything to avoid confronting it directly, anything to mitigate the pain, would be I imagine very much welcome

but the ask also is about actual examples of when jgy purposefully distances himself from lxc so… see under the cut for that

I’ll just focus on (1) here and do a close-read of their interactions because that’s where I think most of that emotional distancing (and also most of the more outright ‘fun’ villain energy rather than, like, sad villainous confessions), briefly touching on the shift afterwards to provide a contrast. also, let’s start with the run-up to guanyin temple because I think it’s fairly important to offer my best guesses as to what his mindset towards lxc is like going in. jgy taking lxc with him can be read in terms of both the practical ‘well he makes a real good hostage’ plus convenience of ���he’s not at burial mounds anyway might as well’ as well as the emotional ‘this may be the last time I ever see him’. and yeah it’s probably mostly the former but let’s not forget that the only reason jgy does a pitstop at guanyin temple is to pick up his mum’s corpse, so it isn’t unreasonable to suggest he’s not only acting in terms of sheer rational self-interest in making these decisions

we don’t really know what happens here and how jgy acts towards him - he certainly tricks him and most likely fakes an injury of some sort to catch lxc off guard (which in the book wwx compares to an earlier book-moment where jgy faked suicide to get away from nmj and thinks he might have done something similar again) and manages to a) keep him away from burial mounds and b) either in the same act or later on takes lxc as a hostage (not sure which one it is? like surely it wouldn’t make sense to take lxc hostage if you still think burial mounds might succeed?) - and then they show up at guanyin temple with lxc’s spiritual powers sealed. as lxc says:

I’m ashamed. I got tricked by someone. I fell into a trap and lost all my spiritual energy.

now I don’t want to over-read into this or anything (yes we may be past that) but it did strike me how jgy doesn’t look at lxc when he speaks and doesn’t respond, but does turn to wwx and respond to him after wwx speaks and gives us a solid villainous smile:

I would argue that he finds it a lot easier to engage with wwx, banter a bit, than deal with the horrible messiness that is his relationship with lxc at this point. also… jgy doesn’t refute lxc’s point in any way. even when wwx gives jgy the chance to engage with him instead, he disregards wwx’s words about jgy’s penchant for lying and instead talks to wwx about underestimating him

if he were trying to endear himself to lxc at this point, surely you’d expect him to engage with lxc saying jgy fooled him? he doesn’t try to explain himself, instead he smirks at wwx (incidentally this is why I think jgy spends so much time poking at wwx and jc’s relationship - it’s not that he’s been a secret yunmeng siblings stan all these years but that this is way less personally painful territory for him than engaging with the others in the temple who he’s more personally close with (apart from lwj obviously and wangxian is something jgy did get in a bit of commentary on in the book, but let’s be real lwj is simply not as rewarding a target as jiang cheng is)).

this is pretty much conjecture and analysis based on vibes, but to me lxc and jgy’s behaviour doesn’t suggest they spoke a lot on the journey, or if they did their conversations were painful and most likely short. the only real evidence I have for this is that jgy at the very least didn’t confess to anything he had done, which is why lxc has to interrogate him about it later. also, jgy feels the need to tell lxc that he’s not going to try to remain chief cultivator later on - past deeds and future intentions would be the most natural conversation topics I would think? personally, looking at their coming interactions, I’d suspect that their few exchanges were along the lines of jgy telling lxc not to worry and that he wasn’t going to do anything to him and then… both of them opting out of anything more substantial

the first time he does directly engage with lxc is one that really fascinates me, aka the moment when jin ling arrives. they have this exchange:

Lan Xichen: “Clan Leader Jin, a-Ling is just a child.”

Jin Guangyao: “I know.”

Lan Xichen: “And he’s your nephew.”

Jin Guangyao: “Er-Ge, what are you thinking? Of course, I know he’s a child and my nephew. What did you think I would do to him? Kill him to silence him? A-Ling, did you hear that? If you recklessly run away or make any noises, I might do something scary to you. So you better watch your actions.”

now if I start talking about this scene we’ll be here all night, but for now I’d just like to note that I don’t think jgy is trying to make himself look sympathetic in front of lxc? he’s actually playing into lxc’s worst fears - in reaction to lxc expressing them, sure, and to my eyes covering up a lot of pain over lxc’s suspicion, but still going along with it and letting lxc believe the worst of him (and jin ling… topic for another post). look, he does the smirk:

then there’s this moment where jgy actually addresses lxc without prompting (but, hey, look it’s ‘Zewu-Jun’):

“Zewu-Jun, it’s going to rain. Go inside to take cover.”

this moment was somewhere between funny and bizarre to me, seeing as jgy is very much taking the time to tell his favourite hostage to not get wet. now the book translation I’ve read translates it as follows,

“Zewu-Jun, it’s raining. Let’s take shelter in the temple.”

- which regrettably makes a lot more sense. anyway, still doesn’t really look at lxc (as far as I can tell) -

- and then says “don’t worry” but adds a villainous smirk or two for good measure -

so let’s take that together with another interaction -

“But don’t worry, Er-ge, you know how I’ve always been towards Huaisang. When the time comes, I’ll definitely let you two leave without any harm.”

this is like… the warmest interaction in (1) we get? and again he’s telling him to ‘not worry’, which… another theme throughout is that I do think that for all that jgy avoids actually looking at lxc, he is acutely aware of the latter’s emotional state and is trying to manage it. not necessarily by making him feel good… and part of managing lxc’s emotional state is this increased distance, preparing for the separation of “when the time comes”, but it is also trying to assuage lxc’s fears. of course then that’s followed by this, which is a gut punch all round (including for jgy):

and jgy does this… cross between a smile and a grimace, this slightly resigned expression (he does also look a bit like he’s about to cry)

followed by this:

so yeah it’s… I really like this moment, because jgy is telling him essentially the truth but does so in a cruel way (and it’s obvious it lands with lxc). I can’t really read this moment as anything else than jgy distancing himself from lxc; yes he was somewhat prompted here by lxc, but he isn’t appealing to lxc to regain his trust - he explicitly says that it’s lxc’s choice but also that it doesn’t make any difference (or that lxc can’t do anything about it. whether it matters to jgy is another question). and then he turns to lxc and gives him this look -

and it’s… yeah, personally I read the entire thing as resigned, as well as a little cruel. it’s jgy knowing (or thinking he knows) exactly what lxc thinks of him and playing into that, of barely interacting directly with lxc but when he does enforcing lxc’s worst fears - the whole ‘playing the villain’ thing is nowhere near as blatant as it is with say wwx and jc, but it’s still there, in the interaction with jin ling and this one, in the coldness of it, in how jgy refuses to ask for lxc’s understanding because he isn’t about to admit either wanting or needing it

speaking of jc, when we get to his arrival and jgy starts picking on him, lxc tells him to not listen to jgy -

what can you say but yikes, really (though I do think there’s an interesting running thread of like… lxc looking at jgy and sometimes jgy looking at lxc but not at the same time? it’s like they’re both shying away from facing each other head on). to which jgy responds -

again, it just stands out to me how jgy isn’t refuting anything lxc just said. the words sound kind, but the implication isn’t, right? because the idea was always that lxc knew who jgy really was, unlike what the rest of the world sees him as (like lxc has himself said), and now jgy is identifying himself with the worst parts of what lxc sees - this is the meaning he’s choosing to attach to himself by going “you really understand me”. jgy is as good as telling lxc what understanding him entails, and it’s nothing about the deep bond they share but is instead something as painful as this. it’s less angling for reconciliation and more twisting the knife

back to jgy taunting jc, jgy says “It’s so difficult being your senior brother.” then we get this interaction -

the first part jiang cheng says and we only really get lxc’s heartbroken reaction, because jgy immediately brings the topic back to the yunmeng sibling angst, which he is like… playing for full drama. I actually think this is a nice example where playing the ‘villain’ goes hand in hand with the whole distancing from lxc, because he might be enjoying himself but it’s also very much used as a way to distract from all his own tricky emotional issues? can’t be talking about lxc and jgy’s shattered relationship if they’re instead talking about golden core transferrals, right??

so then there’s the whole jgy injures his hand thing.

I don’t have a whole lot to say to that because jgy’s dealing with other issues and he’s interacting more with su she, though… ouch at that little moment where lxc reaches out, as if by instinct

and when they come across a surprise corpse, it’s again that thing of… lxc looking at jgy, jgy not looking at lxc (he is distracted)

this isn’t really relevant to this post but since I’m already there, just after that you get a similar shot with jin ling:

(actually reminds me of nmj and jgy’s last conversation too) it’s a whole thing

and like… I’d argue it’s one form of creating distance, right? not even looking at him? trying to escape from any of these more emotionally intimate moments? and when it comes to the fratricide charge, again when he actually faces lxc, he’s not trying to garner sympathy. like the jin ling-related “what are you thinking?” or “you can’t do anything about it. right?” moments, it’s jgy shutting down conversations rather than starting them, resisting any chances to explain himself, (”is it necessary to ask” not “I didn’t do it” or even “please understand”)

and then wwx says something and jgy veritably jumps on the opportunity (and shoves poor su she aside in the process) to go over to wwx and monologue him for a bit instead -

this pretty much covers all(?) of their interactions in (1) which… it’s a fair few but it’s not actually all that many? I’m fairly certain jgy talks directly to both wwx and jc more than he does to lxc. their interactions become a lot more frequent from this point onwards - if nothing else, jgy becomes a more willing participant in them when it is in his (practical) interest to do so. but, to summarise, when jgy is actually in control he distances himself from lxc by:

a) avoiding interactions where he possibly can, including by avoiding eye contact and jumping on any chances provided by not-lxc to change the subject

b) not explaining himself to lxc and resisting openings to do so

c) playing into lxc’s worst perceptions of him, including playing the villain in lxc’s direction through coldness or smiles or cutting remarks

I do want to briefly go over the moment where lxc points his sword at jgy because it does illustrate the shift quite nicely. they start out pretty much the same way, jgy mostly talking to wwx and looking away from lxc -

- but that does change -

- and then eventually we get to the actual pleading. but the switch is slow and… it feels like there’s a lot of hesitation on jgy’s part. to me it doesn’t feel like something he wants to do, like he’s still calculating in those initial moments but gradually comes to the realisation that this approach is no longer going to cut it, that he’s going to have to appeal directly to lxc to save him. but then, eventually, he falls to his knees - and it’s quite a gradual motion, he really takes his time with it. are all those shots with lxc’s hand on the hilt of his sword that moves away when jgy falls to his knees implying that he was thinking about killing him?

so. yeah. I could go into more detail about how jgy does directly appeal to lxc in the following phases or what he is going on with him in the lead-up to his death, but that’s a topic for another post. for now, I think I can’t really read his phase (1) interactions in any other way than jgy preparing himself for the fact that this is the end - this is goodbye. jgy is scared of a rejection that is already unfolding; he is trying to shield himself from the pain and goes through a range of defence mechanisms to achieve that. it’s not an unreasonable fear, exactly, because it’s not like lxc reacts positively exactly to the revelations. and if jgy could have had his way, they never would have had this conversation to begin with, for better or for worse. maybe he thinks he’s doing a kindness to lxc, maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt him any more. either way, when he’s enough in control of the situation to allow it, he does his best to not engage with lxc at all. when he does, he does his best to distance himself from lxc - all the while merrily playing the villain with other characters he has less conflicted feelings about. it doesn’t work in the end and jgy ends up having to make himself vulnerable in front of lxc, but it’s a valiant attempt if nothing else