#And bc I don't want to vent about anything in my real life you get me being mad about horror mods for a funny beep boop game

[crossover-enthusiast]

You still on about that horror thing?

people are just really fixated on those concepts man, I really don’t think there isn’t anything else to it besides that

they just like it a lot

Fair enough. As someone who is just not fixated on horror, it just. Idk it annoys me, I want to see the actual cast this game is about in funny scenarios, not them (specifically BF, GF, and maybe Pico) dying horrifically

It's like everyone else gets fifteen cakes and I get half a cherry

[unmaskingdisability]

So you want to die (but shouldn't do that)

A list of ways I force myself to keep going even when my entire body is on fire & my brain feels like it's going through a cheese grater

MAKE A PLAN WITH SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE - Not a friend you have to gear yourself up to hang out with. A good friend, that will cost low spoons, and plan to do something you enjoy. Nothing extravagant that requires a lot of energy, and it doesn't even have to be in the imminent future. Make a dinner plan for next week and think about that lilac lemonade you've been wanting to make for them. Make a plan to hang out later this month and watch anime with your friend that's good at bullshitting and making you laugh. You won't want to do this when you can't imagine leaving your bed. Do it anyways.

DRAG YOUR EXHAUSTED ASS OUTSIDE - Dress in as many layers as you need or just wrapped in a blanket. Wear sunglasses and headphones if you need. Don't force yourself to do anything, except being outside for at least a few minutes. Sometimes it's cold and wet and all I can handle is walking out for a minute. Sometimes it's warmer and pleasant and now I'm exhausted slumped in the sun or under a pine tree instead of in a dark dirty (mine is anyways bc of the wanting to die and pain) room

VENT - Look I'm the master hypocrite. I run a disability group and I still haven't told pretty much anyone in my life I had to quit my job after my body broke down too far too fast. I advocate emotional vulnerability all day and will legitimately enact it constantly, about everything except how fucking miserable and hopeless and depressed and in pain and scared I am. You don't want to tell anyone because you're convinced they already hate you or are about to leave. I'm not gonna say you need to get over that tonight. But you gotta get it out of your head and your muscles and your body. You've gotta write or draw or splash paint (I will literally fingerpaint just colors sometimes) or hack up invasive plants or make poetry or cry to the person you do feel comfortable talking to. You've gotta get it out You've gotta get it out and also! If being honest about your life and difficulties does push people away fuck them!! Community is everything and that's something they never were, so it's space for something real

GO SOMEWHERE NEW AND BEAUTIFUL - This is one of the hardest things to do when depressed, but if helps so much when you can get yourself somewhere new & exciting and show your brain good things are still happening. For me, this looks like going to a new park, or science/art museum, or to see some pretty lights strung up for the holidays. Nowhere so crowded or busy it'll be too overwhelming, you just need to show your brain everything isn't awful static and get some dopamine pumping.

I'll keep adding to this because I'm full of too much spite and exhaustion and reluctant extreme caring so much to leave you all alone in this shithole

[listleven]

Using LOA with love

(and pateince+persistence)

FIRST BLOG!

Hi LOA Tumblr! I am frankly new to this community but have seen enough to know over consuming is not what I should be doing. Im here to show my journey in manifesting my ideal reality, using the list method, SAT's, and whatever else I can say I might use meditations but I don't know yet(I have a invasive family, I dont want them to catch me doing that 😭) I will post what subs I will use. Most of all I know I have it now soooo. Ive seen enough of post's yelling at me bc Im paying attention to the 3d or telling me once again about LOA. Im still in a partial learning faze so I might use this blog to ask questions, but mostly Im going to start applying and this blog is for everyone who is as well. Basically for reminding everyone we are in our desired realities/have our desires! I've had loads of success with LOA so it is real and very much inevitable. Anyway here are some stuff in my list of everything in my ideal life (which is from now on my actual life) I will be posting the results but technically I already have it so yeah.

-I never study for anything but when I get a test or question on it I answer correctly without fail

-I always get straight As

-I only affirm once to manifest instantly

-I am the void every time I count down from 5

-My 3c hair looks exactly like the Pinterest curly hair, even though I don't put any effort into it, I literally just wash my hair and leave it alone, its so easy to do.

-Every godsend beautiful fanfic I've read in AO3 that's been left unfinished now has an ending and its so good 😩

-I can speak, read, write any language I want perfectly

-I shift instantly with just one affirmation

-Im really good at dancing and singing

-I don't have to use the toilet anymore (its so annoying ill drink one glass of water and boom)

-My favorite show isn't poorly written and is actually really good (guess which one, It really has so much potential and its actually my biggest object of love I have to save it )

Besides my hair being effortlessly good Im not touching my physical appearance bc Ive always been very pretty and skinny but that doesn't mean its "harder" to manifest and if you want to go for it its your reality you deserve to feel good about yourself. Up till now my life has been messed up by older men, my mom, school, and religion but no more of that! Now I have everything in my list and I'm living my most ideal life! Feel free to send asks and DM me to vent or whatever. IK a lot of people don't like that but I personally find it easier to talk to online strangers and dont mind at all.

Im also very curios about lucid dreaming I might update on that too, idk ksksk, Anyway,

~ With Love, you can call me, Jyspire

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[asynca]

Im in my 20s and I was disabled by covid. At this point idek what to do to make people care. Tomorrow I literally have to decide whether I can risk exposure by going to the ceremony to receive a 1500$ scholarship (they might not give it to me if I don't go). The price tag isn't high enough to risk losing even more physical function and potentially having life threatening complications. And that's just one example of all the opportunities im missing bc nowhere is safe anymore. I hate it. I would have loved the free food & chance to network. Thanks for wearing a good mask and caring

Sorry for dropping that vent in your asks actually that wasn't cool. I was just frustrated by that post, like damn you gotta make it about fandom for people to care, but thats unfair of me. I hope your colleagues are getting good treatment! It sucks but at least we're still alive and we're gonna keep fighting to stay alive

oh god I read the second ask first and I was like, "Fuck. I guess the first post is going to be serious asy hate," but it wasn't at all.

It sucks you need to choose. People really couldn't give a fuck at this point, like they seriously think they won't be disabled by COVID. When you catch it for the first time you have a 1/5 chance - 20% - that you will be disabled by it, at least temporarily. The more you catch it, the higher the likelihood you will be disabled and the longer and worse you will be disabled by it.

If you're my age and over, you also need to worry about actually fucking dying from it. I have a work colleague who's been in and out of hospital these past few weeks and came very close to death. She's still not out of the woods right now, actually.

LIke I get people want to socialise - totally fine! - but what's with the aversion to clean air and masks? A portable HEPA air filter that will do a big room like a classroom costs $150 and the filters are $30 and you change them every 6 months. One of those lowers the likelihood anyone in the class will infect each other by EIGHTY PERCENT. A filter plus masks makes a classroom much safer for everyone, but especially for people who are at higher danger of being disabled from COVID.

The more research comes out about it, the worse we realise covid actually is for us. It's neurotoxic. You lose some brain function each time you get it - FOR REAL.

Man this is going to be one of those things we look back in 20 years and go "why didn't anyone care?" "why didn't we do anything!?"

Super big condolences to disabled folks, either pre-covid or from covid, who feel totally fucking alone fighting this thing.

[tireddovahkiin]

CW: VENT POST!!! mentions of depression/indirect mention of suicidal thoughts/unhealthy coping mechanisms

Y'all I've come to a conclusion that seeing self ship doubles MAKES ME MORE SAD THAN SEEING CANON X CANON SHIPS-

Like bc- they actually dont bother me THAT much, I think of them more like a 'alternative cursed universe where there could always be a posibillity for crazy stuff' ship. Yk, like, how there COULD be an alternative universe out there where every president of a country have to wear a maid dress or something idfk-

the world is vast and we don't know SHIT about it

BUT THE FUCKING- ... DOUBLES...

It actually really really breaks my heart... Almost like I'm watching a "thief" take away my most valuable treasure, yk... No offense to any doubles out there, you're valid, and you're no thief, you cannot choose who you love.

But I dunno... I also am very scared of "shadowbanning" in the self ship community... Like VERY scared.

With "shadowbanning" I mean, there being some bigger, more popular users on social media who are famous for being the (character's) spouse. The character we both self ship with. But of course, the popular one is going to gain much more attention and interactions because they have been self shipping for longer time, or their art/ s/is are very popular and likeable.

So, if I tried to break the ice through and consider myself the (character's) spouse, and share my self ship stuff on the platforms, I would be DOUBLE IGNORED, and FORGOTTEN above all.

And I cannot have the same mindset with the canon x canon ships, because I know that person DOES exist in real life. And that they the character much longer than me... And have merch... And celebrate anniversaries... And treat the relationship as a real one.

It's literally like a war... where the more 'loved' one wins.

Don't get me wrong. I ALSO want to do that form my own f/os. I WANT to build the a shrine, I WANT to treat my ship serious, I WANT to draw us, and to gather merch, I WANT to love my f/os as much as I feel love for them.

But sometimes, people are not able to fulfill their needs because of the situation/environment they're in.

For example, they could either be financially unstable, the country they live in has no 'merch' of the said media, the family is unsupportive and abusive, or just... Be VERY busy with life in general. Not being able to give attention to even the smallest things, like stuff they love to do in free time, let alone their beloved f/o.

.. I myself am in that situation. My country is poor, I am about to enter university, I am still healing from my past traumas/trying to get better and fight off the problems on my own, even if it is VERY difficult, and no one understands. I should already work and have a job, have MY money, ACT like an adult should, and become independent. But I am not. I was emotionally scarred, which left big impact on my (concerning) social, (terrifying) future, and (nonexistent) work life.

I basically depend off my parents, and know absolutely nothing in general, like- I feel hopeless, dissapointed. Scared above all. Because I think a part of me is still not ready to move on and grow up, and I already did.

So, if I cannot take care of MYSELF, how can I take care of the sacred relationship me and my f/os have, love I feel for them? The attention I oh so, DESPARATELY want to give them, yet I don't even give attention to my life, and try to hide away from everything? How can I even think about them if I cannot think about anything else?

... I dunno. I'm just... I just sometimes think I am underserving of such recognition, and to be called the (character's) lover/friend/family. Because, not do I "ignore" us, but I ignore my life, too.

With ignore, I mean, I TRY to survive every single day as the best I can. Get over it, then repeat again. For quite some time now. Cope with "stress" (when there IS NO actual stress) with unhealthy maladaptive daydreaming methods and isolation. And the stress is just... Life, in general.

Being a depression survivor is hard, because you're supposed to find a purpose for yourself, when you didn't even PICTURE yourself being THIS far. Keep going, while you're actually still somewhat struggling to find the path, and will to continue.

You isolate yourself from the world in your mind, your safe, comfort zone. Where anything good can happen, there's no stress, no duties, adultery, no work. You ghost people, avoid everyone and everything, stay in your home, and LITERALLY survive the day to the best of your abillity. Try to avoid thinking about ANYTHING else but you, your f/os, your perfect little world. You struggle with most simple things like getting up, eating the right ammount, doing things you like, taking care of yourself, but you're supposed to be an ADULT. To already KNOW how to take care of yourself, because FAR more worse things are waiting for you out there.

I love my f/os. But I don't love myself, what I have become. And that is what makes me worried the most. I cannot become what I want if I already act this terrible.

[beesfairlyland]

Hi! I hope you are doing great and that exam season is easy on you! 😗 i really hope im not bothering you or seeming like im venting or something, you dont have ti answer this at all, but I would greatly appreciate some advice on how do you deal with heartbreak in a nondual point of view?

I'm not a person that takes a liking to people easily, but I fell for this person at my work and unfortunately I had to leave that summer job and go back etc etc life. I thought of that person for a full year they wouldn't leave my mind, I was going crazy and so happy that I would be working again this year, come to find out I lost all my chances bc i will not be working in the same space/but somewhere different. All my hopes were crushed and I felt very stupid and heartbroken etc (don't want to get too venty or into it), and I kind of cried and am quite depressed. I turnt tk manifesting everything, yet of course nothing worked. I'm into nondualism, but I still have that mindset of " if I do this, it will happen" like of things, which makes me feel even more helpless. Could you give me some insight on dealing with this in nonduality?

Because I've had many tell me

"Oh well bc everything is " " your desires aren't real and you are everything all at once" but I feel like my emotions just block that out and I fail to understand it.

Hii baby! I am doing good, hoping same is with you!

There's no different way of dealing with a heartbreak in a non dual way. Afterall non dualism is about Knowing ourselves, our true nature. Feel it all, cry it all out.

But yeah Know that this is a dream. And you are lucid. You tell me is there anything that we can't change in a dream?

you tried manifesting, but was it with the knowing or Desperation? Rn you are aware of the lack. Shift your attention.

Why to focus on lack when uk it's hurtful? He's just an another projection of you. Do you really think that anything is more powerful and limitless than YOU?

Don't try to ignore these emotions, the more you try to supress them the harder they'll push back. Remember this dream is malleable. Don't be desperate, it's all gonna work out.

[kalvanreaped]

Y'know, just hopping on here again after a lil while. I have something to say / figure out about being Ashlyn Banner from SBG ... I'm just kinda ranting on about my inner feelings & identity and I'm not sure what's going on. I feel like I need to write and here I am.

However, before I get into all that — I do not ask any commentary on this. Please do not reblog this with commentary about me or what I should be or you think I might be. Do not compare my experience from a vent to post to your own, I am not comfortable with that.

Bc like, I know that identity to me it's alterhumanity based or rooted in alterhumanity for me but at the same time if I call it a kin I will lose my goddamn mind bc it doesn't feel real anymore after that.

As if, referring to my identity about being Ashlyn as alterhumanity just shuts it out as a possibility. Ash is me, I am ash and ash is me. That's a plainly obvious fact to me, I feel like I'm physically Ashlyn in a more apocalyptic sense. I feel twisted by it and it lwk hurts my own feelings if I call myself an Ash fictionkin lol.

It's because of Ash I want to have my hair in a way that I can have long braids — more like rattail braids in my case. But braids nonetheless. I need to change myself physically, I feel like I'm constantly at an disadvantage. That I'm having a hard time being ME. I have this deep searing burn inside me that I need to be something other than I am now, call that an atypical dysphoria case with me. That I want, nah, I fucking NEED TO PHYSICALLY BE Ash. We fit into a mold and break it as one, WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME, there is no separate krisse and Ash. THERE IS Only ASH in a real life sense.

I don't know what's happening on my behalf, but I am ash and that's final. I feel like her, I know I'm her and that's throwing me off so much because its the first time I'm feeling like this about anything in my lifetime. At this point I've been referring to myself as Ash in an actual identity card-way, I do not identify with her as a fictionkin, however I do identify with her in a transspecies way that's what I can describe it as but at the same time I feel like I still need to separate it into an actual identity.

Saying I'm Ashlyn banner fictionkin, alterhuman, or transspecies makes me uneasy to the point that I'd rather claw my throat raw instead and dig my voice box up so I may not utter such words anymore.

I am simply just Ash, and I feel so fucking lonely without my friends, my family. But even then, I know I don't desire to have a friend group — it's busy not how I'm built. There is a deep longing for that connection, but I cannot do it.

However, thank you.

[bandzboy]

I've been a stay for 6 years, I've seen all the bad and the good things, and skz have been a really important part of my life. With everything that was going on, I decided to take a break from skz until this whole lose my breath era was over. Now I wanted to come back for their new album, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. It's been months yet nothing has changed, they haven't apologized or addressed any of the concerns, they are still working with zionists. Their lyrics seems so meaningless now, this is from their new song "Head above the clouds, stand tall for the hell of it. Tower over crowds, don't pause 'cause I'm lovin' it. Heavy and I'm proud, backbone never suffering". In the past I would loved this song, but now them saying this while being silent about a genocide and happily working with zionists, just feels wrong. I know that one person leaving won't change anything, but I don't think I can support them anymore. As much as it hurts, it's time to admit that they really don't stand for what they used to.

anon i'm honestly on the same boat as you and tbh your feelings are valid if you decide to unstan it's truly okay bc i get you! truly i've been following everything going on and it's insanely sad that so many stays have been trying their hardest to make them know but all we get is silence. it doesn't help that jype is also trying to silence people too but you know it just sucks because there's no way they haven't seen it at this point there's no way they don't know their fandom is so divided over this ever since the lmb release. i wanna believe they are good people but it just so crazy they keep being tied to zionists or hanging out with them and it feels like a slap in the face every time i am not gonna lie and unfortunately, they aren't the only group that is silent rn and it truly makes me question all the people i stan at the moment and what their intentions are... like i truly sit here and think to myself what the really reality is! i can't be excited about things anymore because of how everything is looking rn. i knew i wasn't gonna tune in for this next skz comeback when the lmb fiasco happened because unfortunately it tainted everything for me and it's sad! i don't know what i'll exactly do either but since i'm so dead set on making things right and to keep pushing it i am sticking around for that because my interest in kpop is kinda slowly going away and it's sad. even tho i want idols to have better working rights and it's something that i will always bring up and, i'm very passionate about you could say, it's hard for me to stay knowing that these people are so comfortable being silent and it hurts to know this was probably the plan all along. the way when people started to bring up celebrities speaking up, people were already not including kpop idols with everyone else like... the group of people that should speak up and i think that was the moment that i realized how wrong everything is like how we expect them to essentially do nothing and not gaf about anything and that's messed up ESPECIALLY coming from groups like skz that have lyrics that are very much about rebellion and fighting back oppressive things and so on and it makes you really think that yeah maybe this whole shit was just a concept to them and they don't bring that into their real life. it just sucks atp i'm just venting i could go on because i have SO MUCH TO SAY i'm just now realizing i've been bottling this all up almost but yeah all of this to say that i truly truly get it and just know you aren't alone when it comes to feeling like this towards groups you stan because it's happening to a lot of people atm

[saltynsassy31]

no cus i totally understand your frustration, ive also quit splatfests for the moment until they get an overhaul

i suggest if you feel close to getting hateful to either shiver or shiver fans then maybe quit for a while for your own sake cus ive felt a lot better after doing so, im still really sensitive to negative comments towards frye or rude ones about shiver winning but taking some time for myself has made me feel infinitely better

ive been close to hating shiver before bc of how cocky and rude them and their fans can be but it doesnt really do anything but sour your enjoyment of the game more, so its really not worth it

i do have to say though, anyone who says "its just a game" reaaally needs to understand the frustration of people OTHER than them, sympathy is something a lot of people forget about when it comes to things that arent real life. just because it doesnt affect you doesnt mean everyone can shut off their attachment to the game or a character like a light switch; a lot of the time you dont know whats going on with them. i myself am really attached to frye cus i am hashtag autism creature and he brings me comfort, so anyone being rude to me about shiver winning really REALLY gets under my skin. its not entirely (if they were serious, if they werent then its not at all) their fault, but nintendo fixing the frustration of splatfests constantly keeling in one direction (which theyre supposed to do anyways but they havent) would definitely fix the issue. we need to find a way to have nintendo fix this, not attack anyone else for what bundle of pixels and text theyre attached to.

not everyone has really thick skin and if we want splatoon 3 to be more hospitable then we should try to cut down on the general splatfest bullassery in public spaces (being overly cocky and rude/blaming others in a way with no basis or truth behind it). its not something everyone can always do since we arent all perfect, but if we make steps in that direction then we could help more people enjoy the splatoon community rather than being eaten up by toxicity and spite

i didnt word all of this entirely correctly so like interpret ad best as you can cus im eepy but yeah.

a fye for u to enjoy (also ur anon is off btw)

u dont have to but for the sake of not being harrassed id appreciate if u didnt tag with public tags

👏👏 PREACH

I don't want to quit playing it, I do enjoy splatfests, to a certain extent, i like going with my friends and i made a lot of new friends through it, it's like, the online community that I'm having a problem with

I don't hate shiver, I thought I did but I can't, she is still a comfort character (tho Frye is like, my obsession besides being my comfort character cuz I am also part part the 'tism XD), in a way, I like her dynamic with the group at least, she annoys me, yes, very much so, but I don't hate her

And I don't hate people who like her either

Who I do hate is people being mean about it, I had turned off anon cuz of a stupid person who was going around every frye support account anonymously just saying mean stuff and praising shiver as the best, I just forgot to turn it on, so thanks for reminding me 😅

Saying that "It's just a game" is so annoying to, tell that to the football fans, they go just as crazy if not more so

Splatfests are ment to be fun! You should be able to enjoy the splatfest without having to worry about people fighting

I don't like fighting with people, I hate how angry I become, how mean I can sound sometimes, I usually just vent without interacting

At least she won in Japan, so that is one other win under her belt, I just wish she'd win more in the future 😔

Oh also I almost didn't participate in this splatfest either and I did only because I haven't had time to play and I haven't finished my catalogue yet 😅 I usually use splatfests to up my catalogue quicker lmao

Also, don't worry, I won't tag anything that could get you harassed, if anything does happen, please block for your health, I don't want anything happening to you, you seem very sweet ;w;

Edit: also YOUR FRYE PLUSH IS SO CUTE! I've been seeing people get her but idk where to buy her!!!! Where'd you get it? :0

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[classicbarbie]

umbrella academy spoilers below lol bc i just finished the last season and i need to vent

Im so conflicted about ep 5, bc i get it, they were all alone for 7 years, it took them 6 years before they even did anything, and it's like, 'would i date you if we were the last two people left on earth'. And from that perspective, hypothetically, yes, I can see it, bc Lila and Five make such a good pair of partners. But that wasn't the case bc they weren't the only two people left, they were just stuck in the wrong place with Lila's very real and alive three kids and HUSBAND waiting-

And despite that the whole reason Lila and Five's dynamic was so, so good and fun was because they were purely partners in crime fighting and shenanigans (besties).

( Also as an aroace, @ the writers why would you take this perfectly platonic good platonic hetero platonic friendship from my hands and ruin it )

It could've been anyone else. It could've been literally ANYONE else. Lila would never cheat on Diego lets bffr (also the way they had both Lila and Five treat Diego like he's completely inept this season was FOUL. Okay. I didn't care until ep 5. But to leave him out and then get together?? :D ? Wild.)

But the thing is, I really liked that little plot for Five. The guy has been begging for retirement the last 3 seasons. At least everyone else got to settle down, have families and recuperate after the first apocalypse. Meanwhile Five was jumping from the end of one apocalypse to stopping the next one, okay. He deserves to sit down in a strawberry greenhouse and live a domestic life with a real person (sorry dolores). But why did it have to be Lila 😭

I don't get why he would hide the book from her, I don't think that Five has ever been that selfish. But I understand why he wouldn't want to leave, because what if the apocalypse has already happened and it's another barren wasteland and everyone's dead and he's all alone again. I understand him needing that security for himself and not wanting to go through it again.

(Also Lila couldn't handle the suburban life with Diego, how is a strawberry greenhouse life any better)

Side note, I thought the plot twist was going to be that Five always knew everything all along (no way he would've missed that his boss was a keeper) but that's a different topic.

[ruthlesslistener]

Oohhh I get it now. But tbh if I'm going to be honest, at least proshippers hide their stuff away in their respective dark areas/behind safe walls and even tag and warn people about the dark content they make. Antis dont, they just invade places and engage in the said dark content just to get mad at it. At least from my own experiences from them. Idk I just see most proshippers as responsible in managing what they make, while antis don't. I actually got a taste of dark content from antis myself as a kid, in a lot of callouts made by antis lololol. And not because the proshipper were demanding their content be known. Its been like that even now actually, where dark content gets shoved in people's faces purely because an anti is trying to act like a hero. Though this is just my experience with them.

Another thing if you wouldn't mind, is that while it's true that dark content can lead to a lot of things in real life. I personally see that it has to be allowed to exist, because dark content shows the dark realities of life and that we shouldn't just leave it/ignore it. I seen victims of abuse for example, who had their experiences validated from reading dark content/about their abuse in stories. Or like the fact that a certain famous entertainment company doesnt want to show blood in their content because of "violence" in shows where kids and adults are watching, where some have pointed out that not showing even a small proportions of what violence can do (blood) will lead to a very naive understanding of the consequences of violence. Shocking because this is a western company, and the TV show in question involves guns and... you get the idea. Don't get me started on censorship and how that can get out of hand so easily.

I don't think I'm explaining this well but yeh. Dark content is needed and should be allowed to exist in my personal views, but should still be allowed to exist behind close doors and away from people who don't want to see it. You can delete this ask if it makes you uncomfortable, I'm just trying to put my two cents into this convo. But yeh, I prefer to live in a world where dark content exists and not one where its nothing but "wholesome" and "pure".

.

[Tone: calm and neutral]

Oh no yeah I agree with you 100%, this is my exact stance on things and is a mirror to most of my experiences- hell, I like exclusively dark content and part of the reason for that is bc I came from a psychologically/emotionally (and sometimes physically) where 'we're all just a big happy family and you're ruining it you little freak' was a big problem. Stuff that's just pure and wholesome actually makes me feel uneasy and on edge all the time because I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop, while horror is comforting because I can read the situation and know what's happening. Part of the issue in my household also stems from the fact that my dad has an issue with differentiating fiction and reality (he suffers from untreated ocd and paranoia and a whole slew of other issues), and he used to blame the stuff I was reading for making me 'disrespectful' and 'cold' whenever I dared to have a negative emotion- hence me just seeking out more and more fucked up shit so that I could vent my anger without getting cussed out (though it also was bc I wasn't allowed to watch anything over a G rating til I was fucking. 16.). Without going into more detail, he used extremely similar tactics to antis and that's why I have such a strongly negative response to them, discounting all of the times where I had nasty run-ins with them. I very much hate all of them and it is because I had to deal with people like them my whole life. It wasn't fun.

I have very few actual squicks, and if I'm in a curious mood I'll also read stuff even if it disgusts me- and hell, sometimes their are exceptions. Captive Prince is a series I'm very fond of full of rape, csa, incest, and psychological abuse, but the reason why I love it despite the content is because it is a very compelling story about how horrible all that abuse is and how deeply fucked up it can make a person, as well as how awful the victim can seem when your pov is being manipulated by the abuser. The problem I have isn't content-based as much as it is the people, and, to the lesser extent, the tone of some of what they make.

See, what soured me on proshippers aren't people who are quietly making darker content and posting/tagging it properly (those are just normal writers and artists imo), I'm talking those who proudly proclaim themselves as proship, aka the vocal few balls deep in The Discourse who make it their whole personality trait. They're mostly centered to Twitter rather than Tumblr nowadays, but the problem with said vocal minority is that they are. Well. Extremely fucking annoying, entitled, tone-deaf, and just overall awful people. Almost everyone who proudly flaunts that they're proship is so balls-deep in the discourse that they feel personally victimized by anyone who shows any negative reaction to the gross shit they're into bc that automatically means they're a puritan, when sometimes it really is just an expression of disgust. Twitter proshippers are a whole different breed than Tumblr ones after the porn ban, but unfortunatly I keep getting their arguments shown to me when I'm on the site scrolling for furry porn and its...bad. It's real fucking bad. Not as bad as antis half the time but certainly not much better in how they treat people and their personal boundaries.

It's also the people who will take content that's pretty fucked up and spins it through a fandom lens that also gets me, though most of the time I just block and move on with a bad taste in my mouth instead of getting actually angry. And by 'fandom lens', I mean people who will take a rape/abuse/etc situation and then go 'oh but what if they're a couple with only a few pokes at the fucked up elements in canon. Ex, some (admittedly few, but they exist) people ship Mohg and Miquella as a reciprocal pairing despite it being a kidnapping and nonconsensual body modification incest-for-power situation, and that just...it feels so wrong. It's just so shallow and such a bad take read on a complex situation that I cannot stand it, it makes me want to run the opposite way. I have zero authority to force people to not do things ofc, I'm not a fucking cop, but those people give me the vibe of someone who'd not help you out with an abusive partner because 'oh but his posessiveness and controlling nature is just so cute, and he clearly loves you so its okay!' and that rings the alarm bells of someone that I do NOT want to be around even if it logically means nothing.

Does that make sense? It's a convoluted mess, but I hope I made it more clear that it's not so much the content that bothers me as much as it is the people and how they use it.

[mangoyakult]

tw reality vent dump? i went deep on this lowkey

lets talk about the effect (my) phone addictions have on perceiving reality. you become so used to the online world and are engrossed in it that you cant fathom the reality of the real world. once a blue moon you get the opposite of dissociation where you come to the realisation that real life has an end and it will keep moving on without you, without your favourite shows, ESPECIALLY the bit about how it will move on even after your shows, loved ones, etc end.

its hard to talk about it when im NOT currently in this state of mind so if i remember i'll come back and reblog and talk about it more when i am in that state of mind, but like it just hits you like a cement truck that (and i know it sounds cliche) we are just on a floating ball in space.

everything you know will come to an end and you wont know about it because i believe you experience "life after death" in the same way you experience life before you were born. in the same way that blind people dont see black, they see nothing, its not there. if you close one eye, you dont see anything out of it, thats what i believe death will be like, and its the one thing keeping me from going insane when i get these thoughts but also it makes me spiral even more.

i think about how i'll miss loved ones but then i remember i won't miss it because i won't experience anything. times like this i wish i believed in a religion, i wish i believed in the afterlife, and a part of me does, a part of me believes in ghosts and reincarnation.

wild take that might offend several people but the same way that over hundreds and thousands of years humans fled to religion to distract their minds from these thoughts, i flee to my phone and silly blorpos to distract my mind from these thoughts. except im wayy less productive than them lol they full on built massive cathedrals and monuments and statues dedicated to these ethereal beings and i just go haha funny orangutang with the play dough ur so silly.

i don't stay up all night because i have an addiction to games and my phone, i stay up all night til i pass out because if im not entirely tired ready to pass out, my mind will be racing with all these horrible thoughts i cant remove from my brain and i will wake up with puffy eyelids.

idk these are my thoughts this is what happens when you take away tiktok doom scrolling from me

and i know a lot of you will tell me to get hobbies and friends and hang out and have fun but when i get these "episodes" i genuinely feel like thats the ONLY thing i can do. if i'm not watching my blorbos or hanging with friends, or crocheting or gaming or drawing, life is meaningless and why am i waking up 6 mornings with no plan waiting for the end of the week where i can finally see someone and hang and be happy

i think i'm in a state of burnout, i only have one spoon per week and i'm already using it to go to work because yeah i work like twice a week i'm not home all day, i have uni i go to occasionally, but its so tiring and though i am as far away as possible to suicide (remember my little fear of death above?) i just want like a break month where i can do nothing and chill without any pressures

i think about moving out and growing up and possibly having kids and a partner and i feel as though i'm not prepared for that. mentally i'm 13 and i just want to go to high school, play with friends, yap about gravity falls and other hot shows of that era

i physically can't envision myself as an adult yet i am one, i physically can't wrap my mind around simple concepts most adults understand, like taxes and bills and a lot of things. trust me i've tried! and now i'm on my fourth year of tax evasion because i just don't know how they work!

i gotta stop talking bc lowkey i'm getting myself into this damn mindset and i have work soon and customers are damn near horrible and i have to fake a smile for them

[nitazenes]

lmao you mad?

idgaf who sees any of my messy BS at this point. There's no way I could restart or anything because everyone who has ever stalked me has found my socmed

but it's my turn to vent

you have the gall to get petty and vague me and say that you are frustrated when, let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

We were together for over a year and not once did you try to get to know me. Never asked questions. Do you even know how old I am or what gender I identify as? Like the bare minimum bc i dont think you do.

The whole time I felt like you loved your husband more than me and i was just a side piece

I took time to actively invest myself in your interests, researching things you were into, following every blog you made because despite getting nothing in return I still loved you.

You abandoned me in the middle of me being controlled and abused when you were in the exact same predicament previously. Would you have wanted that when you were going through your abuse? Me just walking away to let you deal with it instead of being supportive and understanding.

When I came back to you after that horrible relationship ended you said you still wanted me to be part of your life and you wanted to take time and not rush but you left me believing that you were my supporter.

2 months pass and it's the same shit "good morning" "goodnight" being our only messages through the day. And sometimes i didnt even get that.

I come back to you to tell you that I want to be your partner again and you tell me youre no longer attracted to me. I don't blame you for that, in fact, i kind of suspected you were only into men

Which confuses me because I'm NB/gender fluid/have male alters. i identify as a man sometimes. i still grow my facial hair out sometimes. my legs havent been shaved in years like im not a girl dude so i felt that was a little transphobic

I may look feminine and i may embrace that feminine look currently but im not a girl

None of your alters ever really spoke to me. If we spoke at all that day

Ultimately we dated for over a year and you still didn't know anything about me. In fact In the end there, I was trying to be more of an initiator for you and was even getting pushy about wanting to tell you about my past bc that's how I bond with others. I show them my trust by knowing something that makes me vulnerable but you would give me weak responses to things i was passionate about.

Then I tell you I don't want to be your friend. After all of the above, if i did that to you, would you have wanted me as a friend? No. in fact it kind of felt like you just wanted me to kiss your ass while your real relationship was with your husband.

"We never got over you" BULL.

I wasnt going to post anything about this but yknow what, if youre going to bitch and complain about me, when I tried to give you everything. I was going to send you fabrics that ive saved and kept bc my grandmother gave them to me but I knew you had an interest in sewing so I cut up that fabric to send you pieces. I have a whole box of shit ive gathered over the past year I was going to send to you. I made Kandi bracelets for every alter i met or knew about

and what did you do for me?

take. take. take. But you'd never give.

That's why I dont want to be friends with you because even in your silence, you were hurting me. And at this point, people who hurt me have to go. Im too old for this shit anymore and I have a lot more to worry about than being practically ignored by my "partner" and causing my BPD to split every time I saw you posting about how much you were romantically invested *in a character in a video game* yes, i got jealous over a video game character because you would give that character more thought and attention than your own fucking partner.

So block me on everything, go ahead, everyone does.

I hope you get help. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted, but I don't want to hear a word about it.

This is me closing your chapter in my life. I'm sorry it had to be this way.

-Rey

[rodolfoparras]

I don't know what to do about my situation... I'm so confused and I have so many mixed feelings, I don't know how to TW this but if you can help me or give tips on how to get out of this then please do :((

--------------------------------------------------

I'm with this one person, (dating) but the thing is it was always an on and off relationship, starting when I was in like 12-13 ish?? But they were like 15-16?? And like they kept breaking up with me cause they kept losing feelings. And before that our relationship with each other was also confusing cause we grew up with eachother as cousins?? My dad had a gf (they are now broken up) but they were never married and (one of) her sister (s) had kids the I met them (they are the oldest of siblings) when i was 7 and they were 9-10 years old and when I was about 11-12...they were my first kiss....and like nothing extreme has happened within these years...just a few touching and photo sharing. (Mainly me sending photos, I wasn't pressured and all consensual)

I'm 18 and they are 21, but when I was 16 and they were 19 we started our relationship again (talking), and I don't know what to do, they are so much older than me and I want to date this other guy but I don't want to cheat on them but yes the relationship is legal. They never did anything to make me uncomfortable, I just don't know what to do it's so complicated

Does this count as grooming?? I don't know if it is but since I'm 18 now I don't know if it does or if it was when I was younger :(( I'm sorry for venting but it's causing me so much stress and I feel so confused and don't know what to do

Premising this by saying I’m just a dude on the internet writing smut but if there’s anything I can give some advice on it’s this bc I’ve seen similar things in real life

First of all it’s weird that a 15 / 16 year old kid found interest in a 12/13 year old and sure while it’s” just “3 years, at age 15/16, I started my very first year of high school I was eligible to practice drive different type of vehicles I could work summer jobs that were offered to hs students of that age, I believe I even was eligible those debit cards kids can use from age 16?-18

At age 12 I couldn’t even go into a store and buy myself an energy drink, at age 12 I hadn’t even entered puberty properly iykyk

It’s “just” 3 years but you’re at such different stages of life

Would you at your 18 years of age, date a 15 year old?

Now you’re like Alec it’s different we grew up together …so it’s less weird because you grew up together or is it considered something they used to their advantage? And while everything felt consensual does not mean that it was consensual an 11 year old cannot consent even if it’s to something simple as being kissed on the lips

Not only that but throughout the years you’ve had a tumultuous relationship bc they keep losing feelings

To me it’s like they know you’ll always be there, they use that to their advantage to do whatever they feel like doing and when that thing fizzes out they go back to you again

The issue here though isn’t the new guy and how you can be with him. Instead it’s to identify why you’re staying in your current relationship and how to be able to provide that factor for yourself

For example if you’re with this person to feel less lonely maybe you should figure out how to be on your own and not feel alone

If you think you wouldn’t have a shot with anyone else but this person maybe u should see how you could better the image you have of yourself

Because the truth is a new partner won’t break you out of old patterns this guy might as well be as bad as your current partner or he might up and leave your life all of a sudden, and for you to not go back to your old partner again you have to figure out how to feel happy without either of them

And sure while you might say I’m 18 now I’m sure my partner will figure their shit out in a year or two or I’ll figure my shit out eventually yeah sure but you’re giving your time to someone who doesn’t value it

Everyone in life is looking out for their own asses as we say in the Balkans doesn’t matter if it’s ur sibling or friend everyone will look after themselves you have to realize for each hour of each day week month year you’re putting up with this person, you’re sacrificing time effort etc that you’ll never get back, to someone who doesn’t value it all