#And am planning on keeping it that way
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so many of my friends messaged me about the leaks like “HAVE YOU SEEN IT????” And “HAVE U READ 267 YET????????” And “GIRL OSHAHKDHSNAHA” I’m terrified. I’m gonna try to avoid spoilers as best I can though, will have to block some tags for a little bit!!!
#Jjk#jujutsu kaisen#sunbeamah#jjk 267#jjk Manga spoilers#just tagging just in case#i know nothing though#And am planning on keeping it that way
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saw some mangy dog on the outskirts of town
#my art#oc#els#werewolf#furry#anthro#illustration#you would not believe the hassle this gave me lmao....i want to do more with it but i have to wipe my hands of it#idk if this looks good but it has to be finished i have to be finished with it#WORD OF ADVICE that allows a small glimpse into the horrible time i've had: PLAN YOUR COMPOSITIONS#GOD. initial drawing of els: 1-2 hours at most. trying to find a composition that doesn't suck: 100000 hours and ongoing#i think my problem is this els looks better zoomed in but finding a way to keep it zoomed in....mission impossible#i love this els face though. i will admit. i had to persevere to get SOMETHING that at least vaguely worked so i could show off this els#okay. okay. anyway it's greengage season again. big ups to greengages for making life just that much brighter#also the owls are goin crazyyy outside my window rn they are speaking and i am listening. in a delirium
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#tulu xuanwu#blood#Vomit on his sweater already; mom's spaghetti#I love drawing teenji because he gets to be a lot more expressive than Older Lan Wangji.#wwx is trying so hard to be supportive and it keeps backfiring for lwj.#“There's no way I would ever want you carnally ^_^” meanwhile the guy who wants him carnally is losing his mind in agony.#Hot tip if you keep finding yourself in Lan Zhan's shoes: consider being more obvious. Give up on trying to be subtle with an ADHDer.#His game is SO BAD. Abysmally bad rizz. I do not think it was possible for these to to have a chance to get together in this life.#He has no plan. He has no healthy outlet for his feelings. He is looking at his half naked crush and losing his shot.#F in the chat for Lan Zhan. He's just been accidently rejected and he is about to be accused of being straight.#Meta commentary moment: I am going to try very hard to be more consistent with outfits and details across comics#I have had some...difficulties in the past with forgetting details (COUGH the vermillion mark COUGH)#New year new goals! Wish my ADHD eyes and brain good luck!
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Tristan Silva my beloved kind beautiful boy who's been through far too much and wears his heart on his sleeve and unconditionally loves/supports those he cares about despite his abandonment issues and his desperation to be chosen I LOVE YOOOOUUUU
blatant evidence of how Dr. Max Bankman is not actually emotionally competent at all when it comes to himself / his life / his relationships despite his sage wisdom to others I LOVE YOOUUUU
network television show explicitly endorsing abortion by saying Avery's next move as a pregnant person is her choice as she considers all options because it's her body I LOVE YOOOUUU
#doctor odyssey#ODY3#hooting. hollering. yodeling even#look. I'm actually shocked she's for real pregnant I'm not gonna lie#but I am going to continue to believe that she decides not to keep the kid yet this makes her realize she may want different life plans#brute force storytelling tactic but whatever. unsubtle show continues to be unsubtle! (<- fond)#either way it’s still all throuple endgame so. I can hang
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The original in the bottom
Plus the picture I mainly drew but decided to draw the rest for funny
#thats not my neighbor#milk man#just tried to draw something in my mind to post along with saying some updates#monday the people are gonna give my grandma the keys to the house! while i have to stay at my aunts place for wifi for school#(online school)#my moms gonna be moving things out of storage into the house! AAAA I CANT WAIT#also little welcome home update#im not sure if i said here? wait nevermind i just remembered while typing (it was that i got barnaby and the pins) AAA silly me#also im making a little julie out of clay (if i wake up and their messed up i am NOT redoing that😭)#the legs are a little messed up because julie was gonna be the size of an hatsune miku figure on accident so i chose to shorten her a bit#only because im not sure if im gonna make the others too AND because theres no way hes gonna be THAT tall😭#also! im making easter art#yes its barnaby and wally again just for fun! but a few changes like keeping their regular outfits because i cant think of anything else!!!#why not the ones in the old easter drawing? welllll a follower said that wallys outfit looked a bit familiar to another not so good thing#it wasnt on purpose just an accident because i hadn't notice BUT im glad i know now so i can be more careful!#im not sureeee if im gonna finish the easter art OR the julie clay thingy but I'd love too! and honestly HOPE to#high chance i will (well maybe the easter art could be late or not)#maaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA trying to think if theres anything else but cant! ill try posting this hoping my wifi wont hate me...#also i know i said this account was for welcome home posting but i didnt have any cool welcome homey things to put here gahhhhh#ehehehhe once i get my new room and its allllll just me#imma post like crazy (wellll that IS the plan so i hope)#even if its little dumb posts#by the way this post was gonna say on top “i know i said this account is for welcome home posting but TAKE THIS FOR LITTLE UPDATES”#just removed it because i dunnooooo just didded#hehe didded
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Wei Wuxian licks his lips and leans forward slightly, walking his fingers across the countertop aimlessly toward Lan Zhan. “You know, Lan Zhan,” he drawls, “A-Yuan says we’re both in the book.”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan responds, tracking the path of his fingers intently, “I am apparently Hanguang-jun, the moral upstanding hero.”
“And I’m the devious Yiling Loazu, who led you astray,” he smirks, peering at Lan Zhan through his lashes.
Lan Zhan meets his stare, head-on, lit from within like molten sunshine. “No,” he corrects, “not astray, Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian tilts his head, waiting for him to continue. His fingers stop their dancing, resting just inches away from Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan shifts his own hand, bringing them even closer, their fingertips almost brushing.
“The Yiling Loazu did not lead Hanguang-jun astray,” he says, eyes piercing as they flicker between Wei Wuxian’s. “They were partners, and…”
“Ah,” Wei Wuxian breathes, “the decent romance?”
Lan Zhan doesn’t answer, watching him closely. The pupils of his eyes have grown so large there’s only the tiniest ring of gold around the edge. He can see himself reflected in the black. He thinks he likes the version of himself that lives in Lan Zhan’s eyes.
They’re standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the other to take a step forward, bracing for a fall.
It should be terrifying, this sudden drop into something completely new, something entirely unknown yet so familiar. But Wei Wuxian is filled with conviction that no matter what, Lan Zhan will catch him.
It's as electrifying as it is calming, this certainty that here, with Lan Zhan, he is safe.
Wei Wuxian tilts his head to the side in a way he knows sets the unmarked skin of his neck on display. “I’m sure it was more than just decent, with a handsome hero like Hanguang-jun.”
Lan Zhan quirks an eyebrow, his gaze resting on the curve of Wei Wuxian’s neck, just as he’d hoped. "Handsome?"
“Well,” Wei Wuxian responds, tapping his index finger so it brushes against Lan Zhan’s fingertips. His skin is soft and perfect, just like the rest of him. “He isn’t wrong. You’re very handsome, Lan Zhan.”
“Really, Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan says, voice quiet and deep.
“Yep, definitely worthy of being compared to the beautiful Second Jade of Lan.”
“Is that so?” Lan Zhan shifts closer, the smell of him filling up Wei Wuxian. He smells so familiar, like something he knows intimately. Sandalwood, Wei Wuxian realizes, with sudden clarity.
Lan Zhan continues, “I would love to hear more about your opinion on my beauty and prestige, Wei Ying.”
“You don’t know anything about me, Lan Zhan. Why would you care what I think?”
Lan Zhan tilts his head, only just. “Do I need to? To want to know how your brain works?”
I commissioned this lovely artwork by the wonderful @lotuslate of a scene from my fic, once upon a time, 很久很久以前 where the entire cultivation world is cursed to live in the modern world without their memories and abilities, but of course wangxian find a way to fall in love all over again.
#i've been staring at this art for days they're one of my fave mdzs artist i am not worthy T__T#look at them falling in love before shenanigans try to keep them apart!!#im planning to post chapter 3 next week maybe by the end og the weekend#it's an absolute beast at 15k but it also introduces a bunch of characters im excited for hehe#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#the untamed#chen qing ling#wangxian#mdzs fanfiction#the untamed fanfic#wei wuxian#wei ying#lan wangji#lan zhan#mxtxnet#mdzs ouat au#bushy writing#okay now that the tags are out of the way prepare for anxiety rant: commissioning art for my fic was one of the best and most anxiety thing#i've ever had to do like it's actually insane#on the one hand i love my fic so much but also i do not feel worthy of such pretty art and talent (except i paid for it and supported an#artist i really admire which makes me dumb brain extra silly) but yeah this enitire week since i first got it i basically had to play#with my anxiety in the worst way and its been awful and i want to share this art cause its so great but also i want to cry cause i feel#unworthy BUT! i am by posting this telling that anxiety to shut up and continue promoting a fic i'm really proud and excited for and#hopefully opening the floodgates so i have the confidence to commission more artwork in the future because seeing the words i write in a pi#is just about one of the most incredible feelings aNYWAYS
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I am thinking about yet another AU
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod ghost#cod soap#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#call of duty modern warfare#cod fanart#call of duty fanart#so yeah thinking about a futuristic au#but its like. Knights. In the future.#they use swords and shields and instead of horses they have motorcycles. And ghost is a full on robot android thing#soap is just wearing a helmet... bc its cooler#gaz and price are also in this au but i. didnt have time to design them#so just to keep track i now have blood hunger to finish#rev au part two planned after it#and this. new. goddamn. au.#do i have time for all of that? no#am i still gonna do it bc i like all of those ideas way too much? probably#am i doing this instead of working on the shit i actually need to? absolutely#uhh also the working title for this au is#cyberknights au#and ill edit this if i decide to change that
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im literally gnawing on the bars of my enclosure all i can fucking think about lately is getting on testosterone
#i want it so bad#GIVE ME THE BOY JUICE!!!!#lowkey keep thinking about calling a planned parenthood near me. just to see if it could even possibly be an option#even slightly#also it’s NOT helping that i started my period and it’s kicking my ass#i dont want to exist the way i do anymore i want to be who i really am#uuuuuuggggh#transmasc#trans#transgender#testosterone#hrt#trans ftm#gender affirming care#transblr#trans community#queer#hormone therapy#transmasculine#hrt ftm
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Aging rockstar Eddie Munson who goes viral on tiktok after dueting a fancam of him and Stevie that is backed by the bi wife energy audio.
It's shaky, clearly a spur of the moment response, Eddie is obviously captivated for a second by a clip of Stevie that starts to play. He sighs and directs his attention back to the audience. "I love my beautiful wife, the sun to my moon, the light of my life."
You can just make out another voice from somewhere in the background call out, "Love you too!"
"But I did not survive being an openly gay teenager in the 1980s in rural Indiana to be called a heterosexual!"
He zooms in closer to his face, it's unclear whether this was intentional, "I did not go through a sexuality crisis in the early 90s when she transitioned, to be called a heterosexual."
Stevie comes out from somewhere behind where Eddie is ranting to drape herself around his shoulders, "Oh that's a good picture of us." The original video is a step above thirst trap and the picture in question is a pap shot of Stevie and Eddie from a long past Halloween. Stevie is in the famous Farrah onepiece and Eddie is in first husband Lee Majors' Six Million Dollar Man red tracksuit.
"You just like it cause we actually ran into Farrah and she liked your hair."
"It was also-"
She isn't dislodged as Eddie fails, well practiced at staying on her perch. "I didn't cancel the back half of our 1995 tour because of morning sickness to get called a HETEROSEXUAL!"
Stevie's smile is indulgent and soft, it wrinkles the corners of her eyes in soft crows feet that betray her age. "You can be trans and straight."
"A fucking ally then!"
She's got a sage Mona Lisa smile as the video ticks to a close, "I love my husband, and he's actually bi."
#steddie#t4t steddie#transfem steve harrington#stevie harrington#trans eddie munson#do you ever get the bi wife energy song stuck in your head for weeks at a time cause your brain is broken?#anyway i am enchanted by the idea that both halves of steddie gave eachother little bi crisises#little freshman stevie getting butterflies over this charismatic sophomore#eddie who has been sure hes gay since he can remember being completely blindsided by his attraction to stevie#is this a vecna verse thing who knows#maybe they went their seperate ways and came back together but either way#stevie also likes the halloween picture because thats their first halloween with their daughter technically#eddie had to scrap his original costume plans because he started showing#idk i just imagine a famous eddie keeping his personal life private and then people make assumptions about this guy and his wife#and those assumptions are that hes straight and that just wont stand
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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#not to be a broken lil man on main#but I was on the phone with my dad for 30 minutes just now (that's a lot for a phone call with him) and like.... damn. yeah. i do have one#parent who's not horrible huh#we talked a lot about my plans for the future...... which I only now told him bcs scary and bcs........ I never ever during my 25 years of#being alive got the impression from my parents that something like this would be an acceptable career choice or something they'd support#and I mean. my [redacted] of a mother is the best example for how. not alright it is with her that I'm doing something that's not very...#traditional for this family#but anyways. my dad was absolutely fucking lovely#to the point that I get getting teary eyed and felt my throat closing up cause. huh. i guess in his own way he does love me and believe in#he asked me to send him a link or a pdf of my first conference report because he wants to keep it somewhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭#I'm....... ouch. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch#you know the ghosting I am really good at with tumblr chats (sorry guys. ilu. I just suck at communication)???? i'm also extremely good at#that with whatsapp chats and just. not calling my irl loved ones#so idk. hearing him say he understands and just wanted to make sure I wasn't upset with him and like. wanted to know if I was doing okay.#damn. okay. damn#idk#this was such a good talk and he was so suppertive and non-judgemental and I actually told him about my birthday and how my mother's call#upset me and he was like. yeah. same. and like... he's basically gone no contact with her as well as it turns out#idk. I really should give him more credit and like... I feel like there's so much shifting and change and development happening while I'm n#not there and sometimes it's hard to remember that he actually /could/ understand some things. just cause I've always been so used to not#sharing anything about myself because it wasn't safe when I was younger and... idk........ lots of emotions going on rn#so glad we talked though. so glad#simon.out.#if you read all this.... idk man.... sorry for oversharing but thanks for caring ig <3
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longfic? death note longfic? rook? rook longfic? rook DEATH NOTE longfic??? <- really normal abt ur writing
oh this just made me smile so big. thank u so much!!! means a lot to me that u care about my writing!!! and yes i................... well despite having zero time or energy for anything right now due to [career shit] i started going really nuts with this one death note au idea........... to be honest it's so involved that it could be a spinoff light novel at this point. lol. dont want to say too much about the premise in case i never do it but ivebeen sitting bolt upright at random hours to jot down ideas
i have NOT started writing it. i HAVE been planning it. THIS is the PLANNING document
girl help
#it's like the most deranged planning doc too. i keep doubling back because the au is such that im kind of... just..#replotting the entire series...... almost..... because of the way it branches#theres a whole section of raw notes written entirely in first person where i tried to go L Mode while he tries to go Light Mode so i can#solve the mystery i just set up#light eats paper at least twice#i keep writing him into a corner#asks#god anyway thanks so much really cant tell u how touched i am by your message!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am trying to outline my Dottore series, however i do not have enough creativity to do it by myself. I want each fic to be centered around one thing reader helps them to do (experimentation core) but i lack ideas, so if you'd like to send any ideas in, or even other segments to add, that would be appreciated 🫶
#smooches talks#i wanted to finish this before going back to college but nope that is not happening#i am NOT looking forward to going back im gonna cry guys#the way i already have the ending planned out tho#im excited but i need a plan first 😭😭#dottore i miss u :( i cant keep writing like this!!!!!!
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in terms of inspiration and such does it feel easier or more difficult to write as you inch closer and closer to weirdmageddon? or has it made no notable difference? you’ve been working on this story for so long so i imagine it must feel kinda strange to be getting so close to what might be the end of it!
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Another wonderful question!! You are so good at these!
I think my inspiration to write is more closely correlated to the comments and feedback I get for the story, so the more people who tell me they enjoy it, the more it inspires me to write, and I've had a wonderful abundance of attention since BOB so I am being spoiled every day by nice words. I think my drive to finish the fic is pretty sustainable at this point, and I'm already getting ideas for a sequel haha. Finishing the fic was my new years resolution (even though judging by past chapters, it's been taking roughly a month to churn each one out since they're so long and intricate) so it looks like sometime in the new year I'll likely finish the story, maybe around April or June depending on how I balance writing with my workload and social obligations. I'm determined to finish it though (so I can start a cathartic sequel hahah)
I think in terms of us being towards the end of the story though, I have noticed it's made a difference on how I plan out the chapters. In the past I had all the time in the world to build the story and relationships and take things in new imaginative directions, but with the end of the story on the horizon we're left with a limited amount of time to tie up all the loose plot threads. I am being a lot more deliberate with how I plan the chapters. I write notes about plot direction and what details to include for every chapter, and I find that with every chapter approaching the end I've been writing three lots of plot notes corresponding to each 'episode'. So there's the general overview of events from the show and what I want to include from Ford and Bill's perspective, and then there's the refined version where I drill down into what factors I want to explore for each POV (for example the notes for the next chapter include Kryptos' storyline, Ford's storyline and Bill's storyline) which really breaks down what plot beats happen in each POV, and then there's the order of the different plot points, so I can weave between the different POVs in a way that flows thematically and brings out the best contrast between the characters journey.
I try to pull together similar themes in each chapter too, so for example the last chapter had overarching themes (lmao I made myself laugh by saying the themes of chapter 61 were 'dogs' and 'what if my family secretly hates me' hahah) and then I try to place story beats from different POVs together in a way that the themes compliment or contrast each other - so for example in the next chapter the themes of finding purpose after being stripped of it will apply to characters we encounter during Kryptos' POV and during Ford's POV. I've got this planned out meticulously all the way to the end, but before I start each new chapter thats when my second and third plot plans come into place. There's just something about reading the work through again once it's been posted on ao3 that makes me realise what threads I want to pull into the next chapter and that means my second and third plots happen once the last chapter is posted. I also rewatch the show's episodes about a million times lmao and add to my notes about what little details I want to highlight and bring back from the old chapters, since this fic is technically canon divergent, not fully canon adjacent.
I get inspired all the time for this story though, from all kinds of places too. Lots of times from my work (since I work in a mental health org) or from therapy or my own reading. I attended a DSFV training session through work a few weeks ago and what I learned there gave me inspiration for how I want to tackle a possible redemption arc in a sequel, especially around cycles of violence and how it can relate to perpetrators. I'll talk about healthy relationships in my own therapy sessions, and I'll get inspired to work in stuff about relearning independence after codependency. I'll read a baller fanfic (usually from other fandoms since I've been saving myself to read all the billford fics after my fic is finished, because of that one time someone accused the fic of plagarism - but since most ppl have wised up to the fact that those claims were just one person being a big meany I've read one or two fics and there is some gold out there in the fandom!!! Like Theseus' Guide To Ruining a Perfectly Good Boat by @stump-not-found theres a few chapters out but I am loving the characterisation and how punchy the prose and stakes are!) and reading fic is a great inspiration, same with published works too, I'm currently reading Youthjuice by E K Sathue which does very interesting things with description.
Anywho sorry for the essay in response haha! You always ask such great questions jada! I just finished doing my second plot through for chapter 62 today too, what timing!
#submission#thank you for asking bud#kmky#knowing me knowing you#i have so many ideas for this sequel that i want to tell ppl about but i have to keep it to myself haha#at least until the fic is finished#i already know the title and have picked out several abba lyrics for chapter headings#abba is so good they have a song lyric for everything#i can't wait to tell ppl about some of my ideas for the sequel lmao i haven't seen anyone do what i'm planning in redemption fics yet#so i am really keen to set it in motion when the time comes#and hopefully deliver something unique and cathartic to the readers who stuck out all the heartbreak and are ready for a healthier outcome#but yeah that'll be like next year since my main focus is on finishing kmky#and doing the best i possibly can with the ending#making all the readers happy in my own evil author way hahah
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okay i am actually writing the Experimentalist First Aid metapost right now.
Beginning statement and caveats - I have no reason to believe this is canon and basically don't, except that I like it better. However, it literally would be indistinguishable from canon for the most part for various reasons outlined below, so like, you can't prove it's not. Canon compliant canon divergent headcanon territory.
Also, this is about G1.
I think First Aid is many things.
First Aid is a big giant fucking baby and he has the experience of someone who has been alive for Ten Total Minutes. First Aid is not old enough to have properly-tuned self-preservation instincts or an understanding of what will and will not be able to kill him. Unlike everyone else, he handles this by being a giant soft baby (affectionate) and going "I don't want to go fuck around with things that can kill me" and hangs out inside, where he gets his fill of Necessary Exciting Stuff(tm) with Ratchet and the other Autobots. However, he's still got the ravenous desire for Experiences, and this turns into
He fucking loves learning. he loves learning so much. He doesn't want to get hurt but he wants to know everything. Sometimes he needs to go out and do stupid things for that, but he'd rather learn from someone else's experiences first.
He is a medic. He likes to help people, but he likes to help people by taking them apart and getting elbow-deep inside of them and rearranging things, which is usually the kind of thing that human people get squeamish about. Even granting that Transformers are not as squeamish or flinchy about gore as humans are, being the person who gets to watch their friends get grievously injured and then stick your hands in there and mess around with the wound is pretty heavy for some (most!) people! But I think it would be a strange reading to say that First Aid doesn't like to be a medic, so this clearly doesn't bother him the way it might bother someone else. He doesn't like when his friends are injured, but the actual process of surgery - cutting them open or digging into a wound to clean it out, that sort of thing - isn't a problem for him, which leads into
Even by TF standards, First Aid is remarkably unfazed by injuries, gore, and insides-currently-outside than someone else his age would probably be. And that means I can get away with the next few parts...
I read First Aid as a sadist. In the autonomous, just-kind-of-happens sort of way, not the "I'm going to menace you" sort of way people sometimes interpret that statement. People get hurt in front of First Aid and he finds himself fascinated by the injury and immediately concerned with fussing over them in particular, partially because it's his job to pay attention to the wound and partially because there's something about pain and injuries that fascinates him beyond the confines of his job.
First Aid also likes his job, and he likes doing a good job, which means he's not aout to just start banging anyone up to hurt them for the hell of it because his job is to fix them. I don't even imagine sadism is particularly uncommon among doctors, because frankly it only makes sense to me that the characters literally hardwired to cut people open might have something making it so they don't feel bad when they cut someone open. Which would mean it has to be easy for them to maintain an Autobot standard of professionalism, which doesn't really prohibit being buddies with your patients (see: Ratchet) or, like, certain human standards of care around privacy and freedom from experimentation, but does broadly prohibit being needlessly cruel to your patients in a way they themselves aren't on board with. So this doesn't interfere with his job at all, basically; it's just some extra thing he has on the side for the most part.
First Aid is a big giant fucking baby and he has the experience of someone who has been alive for Ten Total Minutes. First Aid is not old enough to have properly-tuned self-preservation instincts or an understanding of what will and will not be able to kill him. Unlike everyone else, he handles this by being a giant soft baby (affectionate) and going "I don't want to go fuck around with things that can kill me" and hangs out inside, where he gets his fill of Necessary Exciting Stuff(tm) with Ratchet and the other Autobots. However, he's still got the ravenous desire for Experiences, and this turns into
He fucking loves learning. he loves learning so much. He doesn't want to get hurt but he wants to know everything. Sometimes he needs to go out and do stupid things for that, but he'd rather learn from someone else's experiences first.
He is a medic. He likes to help people, but he likes to help people by taking them apart and getting elbow-deep inside of them and rearranging thigns, which is usually the kind of thing that human people get squeamish about. Even granting that Transformers are not as squeamish or flinchy about gore as humans are, being the person who gets to watch their friends get grievously injured and then stick your hands in there and mess around with the wound is pretty heavy for some (most!) people! But I think it would be a strange reading to say that First Aid doesn't like to be a medic, so this clearly doesn't bother him the way it might bother someone else. He doesn't like when his friends are injured, but the actual process of surgery - cutting them open or digging into a wound to clean it out, that sort of thing - isn't a problem for him, which leads into
Even by TF standards, First Aid is remarkably unfazed by injuries, gore, and insides-currently-outside than someone else his age would probably be. And that means I can get away with the next few parts...
I read First Aid as a sadist. In the autonomous, just-kind-of-happens sort of way, not the "I'm going to menace you" sort of way people sometimes interpret that statement. People get hurt in front of First Aid and he finds himself fascinated by the injury and immediately concerned with fussing over them in particular, partially because it's his job to pay attention to the wound and partially because there's something about pain and injuries that fascinates him beyond the confines of his job.
First Aid also likes his job, and he likes doing a good job, which means he's not aout to just start banging anyone up to hurt them for the hell of it because his job is to fix them. I don't even imagine sadism is particularly uncommon among doctors, because frankly it only makes sense to me that the characters literally hardwired to cut people open might have something making it so they don't feel bad when they cut someone open. Which would mean it has to be easy for them to maintain an Autobot standard of professionalism, which doesn't really prohibit being buddies with your patients (see: Ratchet) or, like, certain human standards of care around privacy and freedom from experimentation, but does broadly prohibit being needlessly cruel to your patients in a way they themselves aren't on board with. So this doesn't interfere with his job at all, basically; it's just some extra thing he has on the side for the most part.
I think that's all the requisite readings.
In sum, this gives us a guy who relaly likes being around people in pain, who also likes being the guy to help them out of it, and likes to learn. He's encouraged to do all of these things by the people around him, because he's not being concerning about any of it- he's just dedicated to what he does and he's good at it, and getting better every day.
And by the same tokens, you have a guy who really, really badly wants to get to take someone apart over and over, because he wants to see how they work on the insides and he likes the way they look when they're in pain, but he doesn't want to fuck over his friends, comrades, patients, or teammates, and everyone he's interacting with is at least three of those things.
Plus we get G1 First Aid's pacifism, which is a strongly-held ideological standpoint that First Aid maintains - he won't fight, he won't carry weapons, but he will work as a medic. We can interpret that this isn't a squeamishness issue for him by the asme tokens I established earlier - that he's much more okay with getting into the guts of his friends and coworkers than the average person would be - and also by the fact that he was built in a military context and everyone else is a military fighter of some sort. if he were reluctant to hurt people because of anything shy of serious personal convictions, I am convinced that the Autobots around him could have convinced him otherwise. His position is profoundly difficult to maintain in an active war zone, aftr all.
So even beyond standard Autobot ethics, First Aid does not want to hurt people. Yet I reconcile this with saying he is an innate sadist anyway, because they're not mutually exclusive. It really just means that, like, First Aid can want to take people apart all he likes; he's just not going to do it to anyone until someone asks him to.
As an aside, in my corner of fandom anyway, it seems like we talk a lot about characters who kind of throw interpersonal concerns and care for those around them to the wind in order to chase their own hedonistic desires (see: Vortex, Overlord, Motormaster, Megatron, etc) or otherwise, put bluntly, just kind of don't care that much about their partners' and playthings' consent even when they have it. And that can be a lot of fun, obviously; I like them. But as of late my friends who shoot the shit with me about consensual kink in Transformers have been busy or we haven't been talking about it for a while, and I've been missing the other side - the exact same desires and interests, just harnessed, controlled, and managed, not because First Aid has to but because he just, like... feels like it. It's what he wants to do. And, like. yeah the Autobots wouldn't be pleased if he turned out to be some sort of turborapist, lol, but he's the first person to decide he's not going to run around doing harm. I tie it into the pacifism. Part of this reading is because this is my reading; part of this reading is because I want to insert even more contrast between the characters I see First Aid Aid played alongside than I'm already seeing when I finally sit down and write about him myself.
So what this boils down to - all together - is that First Aid wants someone to ask him to take them apart.
And he likes to learn.
So the first person to catch his attention and walk him through opening their chest up is going to get to see him catch his brain on every shiny new edge he's not used to seeing outside of a medical context, and he's going to go over and catalogue every single part and take them out and put them back in and he's going to do it over and over until he can do it without looking and then he's going to do that to everything else, too. He's going to pick up every style of play fast and hard, but I read him landing hard on the "roleplay is kind of silly, I like bodies" side of domination. And I think he'd enjoy domination a lot.
He's a good student and a quick study. He likes to learn. He's enthusiastic and comfortable being taught, too. It would be very easy to turn him into a service top, too, to talk him into being an extension of your own hands and guide him through doing what you want.
But only to a point. Because he's still a pacifist, so you can't use him to hurt someone else, unless they're also asking for it. But, hell, he's part of a combiner team... I bet that would come easy to him, too, once he does have everyone's consent.
In a few thousand years, I think First Aid is going to maybe be one of the biggest kinksters in the entire Autobot faction, or he's going to have extremely narrow and extremely specific tastes. But he's going to get there through experimentation and he's going to get there through his fascination with anything new, which right now is everything.
Last bit is that - I think his instincts are not fine-tuned, self-preservation-wise. I think his social instincts are just as bad. you develop those over time, after all, and through experience, and he doesn't have that. And he's a pacifist because he doesn't want to hurt Decepticons. Very sweet, certainly, but the Decepticons are like... kind of dicks lmfao. The way of things is not very complicated because there are so few Transformers around and alive; eventually First Aid is going to run into a Decepticon. The question is if he ever ends up on good terms with someone from the other faction - or if he already has - or if he gets himself hurt early and learns to avoid them fast. But even with the latter, I don't think that's how he'll stay. I think he wants to experiment. I think he wants to learn and do more and learn more. So eventually he will run into a Decepticon who is also willing to play the way he's willing to play, and they will end up making, if not friends, then at least some sort of positive interaction and First Aid will...
...well, he's never going to stop being curious, huh. That would be boring. But his morals and standards for his behavior are either going to stay ironclad or they won't, and either way it'll be interesting to see what happens. Because there's no bottom to where First Aid might go, eventually.. as long as he's being asked for it.
#pdl#sorry. couldn't avoid it#first aid#valveplug#i cannot call this meta. this is me doing ''i'm extrapolating a lot of things that aren't there from canon''#one day i will sit down and do my own fan continuity. every day i get more and more frustrated that i am apparently the only fucking#person who wants to write about a Decepticons who are the original holders of the Matrix or a Decepticons who were Officially the military#and an Autobots who were both unofficial and never ever meant to have gotten the Matrix in the first place - where it is Explicitly against#the Plan That Was Made by Primus And Mechs or whatever.#and for all i see people playing soundwave and jazz off each other i've never seen anyone do what i want to do#anyway this is off topic#point is i think first aid should be a freak#but not the same way i keep seeing where he just wants someone to bite him really hard or do cnc or whatever#i think he should be REALLLLLLLYYYYYY weird about bodies#also i picked this draft up from like this time two years ago!#it was datestamped to 2022#lol
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Do you ever think about the parallels between Rinne and Aira
Not only they have a shared interest in protecting Hiiro and ensuring his well-being/growth as a person, (and it's extra interesting given how Aira sort of dislikes Rinne for how he dealt with Hiiro in general—by leaving him alone at their hometown and disowning him in the summer of the MDM—, so even though they have the same interests and goals regarding Hiiro, they aren't exactly friends nor like each other — though this is mostly from Aira's part, because Rinne does like Aira and even acknowledges him as someone important to Hiiro that he must keep in his life), but Aira kinda is what Rinne used to be, before his dreams of becoming an idol we're crushed by the new rules of ES.
!! Main Story, Episode 171, "Revolution"
I've seen many people talk about how Rinne and Aira would get along because they're both idol otakus, but I believe that's a common misunderstanding of Rinne's character, because Rinne isn't an idol otaku (at least not anymore). He doesn't like the current idol system and the way Ensemble Square is running the industry. That's why he tried to change it by force in the !! Main Story by acting out. This is different from Aira, who loves the idols born from this system, and is a participant in the ES system that is going to hurt the industry in the long run (because ES is mass producing idols like a factory, stripping them from their own individuality and what makes idols especial in the first place — which is why Aira likes idols to begin with! Because they're different from ordinary people!)
!! Main Story, episode 220, "Despair"
Aira is aware that the idol industry isn't perfect, in episode 171 he even acknowledges that the mass production of idols similar to items of consumption made in a factory is wrong and it strips idols from their beauty and value, but he doesn't have the insight and first hand experience with heartbreak as Rinne had, so he doesn't have the motivation to protest or change the way ES is running the industry. They both love idols and dreamed of becoming one, but Rinne isn't an idol otaku, because he can't be a fan of idols mass produced by the current system.
What Rinne does instead, is support underground idols that would otherwise be trampled or forced to disappear by ES because they don't fit their sets of standards (and because ES has monopoly in the idol industry, they can easily do this without much repercussions or public outcry) and gives them his protection. This is explained throughout the course of the story of Night Club.
Nigh Club, Epilogue 2
Aira tries to impersonate an ideal idol persona, as the ones he watched when he was younger. He wants to embody a model idol and inspire others as idols inspired him in the past. Rinne used to be similar, but ES arbitrarily destroyed his solo career making him lose that dream, and that's why he embodies the wild and rebellious persona he portrays on stage, which is a complete opposite to how a traditional idol should act (and this is a constant point of conflict between him and other idols, such as Himeru; Himeru tends to scold Rinne for being so wild and doing whatever he wants because it goes against what is expected of an idol, but in Night Club he comes to understand that this is Rinne's soft way to protest against ES, despite having lost to them in the first part of the !! Main Story).
(Sometimes, I wonder if Rinne is happy being the wild and playful self he is with Crazy:B, or if he would prefer to be on stage as an ideal idol like he used to do years ago....)
However, despite their differences and the dislike/intimidation Aira might feel towards Rinne, he admits he understands his feelings and where he comes from, and that he can't help but to relate to him due to the fact that they both love idols. Aira scolds Rinne in episode 220 "Despair" to make him stop his pity party, but later in episode 224 "Flutter" he comforts and encourages him instead—telling him that he should not give up being an idol, because he recognizes that Rinne loves idols as much as he does, and that he still has a reason to live because he has fans of himself and of Crazy:B waiting for him among the crowd, meaning that he is still loved and accepted by someone, despite all the wreckage he had caused.
(And if I'm allowed to get personal for a moment, I just need to make emphasis in how important Aira is to the development of the Amagi brothers in the last arc of the !! main story, and this scene is a perfect example of that. Aira is the one who encourages Rinne to join the others on stage and sing, and after that it is Hiiro that pushes Rinne to give that step which finally leads them to perform on stage together 🥹)
So as we can see, Rinne and Aira have a lot of similarities, but they act in completely different ways due to their circumstances. They have similar backgrounds as idol lovers but they have different views and feelings about the industry and the profession, (however, they seem to share the same ideals as to what an idol should be, and love the same type of ideal idol inside their hearts). Adding to that their shared most beloved person, Hiiro, and how the two of them want what's best for him but they have a point of contention due to Rinne's bad actions in the !! Main Story, and their relationship becomes x10 more interesting, and I wish we talked about it more!
And we know Happyele hasn't forgotten about them, because Aira appeared in Rinne's recent relationship chart, just below Hiiro.
(also, a little unrelated, bu i think it's funny that despite having a heart to heart at the ending of the main story, their relationship is still "want to tease him" and "he's a little scary" ahdks Aira, who scolded Rinne in front of hundreds of people in the MDM, regressed to feeling intimidated and troubled by him. A couple of friends commented that it was probably because Aira had a burst of courage in the MDM because of the severity of the situation, so he had the determination to call out Rinne, a senior that he particularly feels intimidated by, publicly without second thought. It is canon that after the fact, Aira admitted that looking back on the MDM he felt embarrassed for doing such a bold thing. Idk, it's just something i find very interesting and fun about their dynamic www)
So this leads me to believe that they haven't forgotten about the history these two had in the main story, and all I can do is just wait for them to expand on their relationship and dynamic more eventually in some future event.
#the rinne/aira parallels have been implied in the story since very early#ever since aira said that hiiro has some old views about the world and hiiro said that he sounded just like rinne#and the similarities just keep on increasing with each chapter#i'm just obsessed with the concept of hiiro's closest people being so similar but so different at the same time#and how he works as the bridge between the two#also not to be a delusional shipper on main (i always am though) but#i always think about how rinniki and hiiai were planned so carefully to reflect and parallel each other#hiiro and rinne are narrative foils & aira and rinne are foils also#aira and niki are parallels w the dynamics they have with their respective amagi#hiiai and rinniki are pairing parallels#just /hands in head and screams/#also ty engstars for the dialogue logs update and for giving the ms chapters small descriptions so i could look for scenes way easier#i love the !! ms but 220+ chapters is so much#but thats probably why i'm so obsessed with it lol#what reading the !! ms twice does to a person#hope this post makes sense bc adapting it from twt thread was hard ksdjf#enstars#ensemble stars#rinne amagi#aira shiratori#hiiro amagi#my post
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