#And I mean physically comfortable because being overweight makes me physically uncomfortable

[spikeisawesome456]

My brother and I went to this neat art installation in Tokyo today, and it was super cool! I dressed up in my cutesy dress and my brother (very kindly) took my picture. These were my favorite, from the garden section.

If you’re ever in Japan, I highly recommend TeamLabs! This installation was Planets, but yesterday my brother and I went to their other one in Tokyo called Borderless and it was also so cool. More projection based art in that one, while Planets is more physical. For example, we had to be barefoot because at two places in the installation we had to walk through water (which is why I’m barefoot in the photo ha). One was flowing the other was almost knee deep. Super cool.

[dollking081]

been a while since I've done one of these so,,

aaaaahahahaaaaaaa I'm never fucking eating again I'm so sick of this shit I take as little food as is physically possible at a time, they don't even touch it, and then when I end up finishing it off they're like "well at lest one of us got to try it"

IF YOU FUCKING WANTED SOME THEN FUCKING EAT IT RATHER THAN LEAVING IT FOR A WEEK YOU PIECE OF SHIT I'm so grateful for ED blogs because they give me so much motivation to lose weight and I know full well "ough EDs are baaad they killl people ouugh" and I'm like

well I'm not gonna purposefully give myself an eating disorder, I'm just supporting the success of these other people while using their journeys to inspire me not to give up

it's barely 1PM where I am and I already feel like such a stupid, fat waste of space usually this stuff can wait till at least 4 but I guess we're speedrunning now I don't have a scale to weigh myself with but I'm visibly overweight and I need to fix that I might make a weight loss blog,,,

are you tired of my rambling yet? probably not because I'm more than likely the only one who'll ever read these

anyways

home life's gotten bad enough that I'm unreasonably scared at the sound of a door slamming and/or opening because that means someone's moving around and if someone's moving around that's probably bad news for me and people can call me spoiled and it's like I agree, I have a lot of nice stuff and I am grateful for it but "I have nice things" doesn't mean "my family is awesome and I'm a brat who doesn't know how to cherish what I have while I have it" I get yelled at on the regular, villainised for my mental issues, and have my boundaries constantly overstepped I'm treated like a child by the people meant to help me, when it's been more than clearly established that that makes me incredibly uncomfortable and more likely to hurt myself to get over it

I quit therapy because of how I was treated. yes they were trying to help but they completely discarded my boundaries and treated me like a child, all while making wild assumptions about things that I couldn't dispute because I hated the place so much that I physically couldn't speak while I was there but it's not like I can SAY any of this to them because, well

I'm a child, what do I know?

nothing's going to change if I speak up. I'll be told I'm being ridiculous, told there's nothing that can be done, and then dismissed completely let's get this straight, I'm 14. that's nowhere near an adult but it is plenty established between friends and family of mine alike that I know what's what and who's who. I'm not an idiot, far from it.

but these therapists. these people who are supposed to "fix" me, talk to me in a baby voice even after I have repeatedly asked them not to

it might be the norm for them to speak to people like that, and those people might even be comforted by it, but I expect everyone to adhere to my boundaries unless it's an emergency. it's not that fucking difficult not to patronise someone

that's about it for this one don't get cooked, stay off the hook

[perpetual-stories]

Adjectives to Describe Appearance

hello, hello! i want to thank you all again for 500 followers! it means the world to me that 500 hundred wonderful human beanitos care about my writing advice.

it still blows my mind!

if any of you are like me, then you too suffer at the treacherous hands of describing things then you know how difficult it can be to find the right words to show how you feel or to show what you mean to your readers.

So, I decided to help you all and make a list of adjectives :)

1. Other Words for “Fat” or “Large”

Overweight This simply means “heavier than is healthy.”

Obese It means very overweight. Sometimes it can be quite dangerous …

Stout Maybe slightly fat but strong or solid looking. Usually quite short.

Stocky Short with a wide body.

Paunchy You know how some men gain weight? They don’t just get fat everywhere — just the stomach. That’s paunchy. Though we don’t usually say “He’s paunchy.” Go for “He has a paunch.”

Pot-bellied The same as “paunchy.”

Big-boned With a large body structure. We also use this adjective as a euphemism (a way of saying something negative indirectly). If you call someone big-boned, it’s usually just another way of saying that they’re fat.

Chubby A little bit fat. Slightly overweight. But only a bit.

Plump The same as “chubby.”

Podgy Also the same as “chubby.”

Curvy This can be used in two ways. Sometimes, it describes a woman with a thin waist and wide hips. And sometimes, it’s used as a euphemism to mean “fat.” But it’s nicer to say “curvy,” right?

Flabby We usually use this to describe a part of someone’s body, not the person as a whole. So someone might have flabby arms or a flabby stomach. It means they have a lot of loose fat (or skin) that kind of shakes and wobbles when they move around.

2. Other Words for “Thin” or “Small”

Slender Thin, in a pretty or elegant kind of way.

Slim A positive word for “thin.”

Lanky Tall and thin. But in an awkward kind of way.

Skinny Very thin, possibly too thin.

Slight You know those people who are so thin that it looks like they might break into pieces if they fall down? That’s slight.

Petite This is French for “small.”

3. Other Words for “Muscular”

Beefy Someone with a lot of muscles. This is informal and usually used for men.

Buff In good physical shape. Probably with visible muscle action going on.

Burly Strong, heavy.

Broad “Broad” actually means “wide.”

Well-built Big. Strong.

Ripped muscular and in good shape.

4. Other Body Shape Adjectives

Gangly You know those tall, lanky people who never look comfortable. They move around looking uncomfortable. When they sit down, they look uncomfortable and awkward. They’re gangly.

Stooped Someone who walks around as if they’re walking through a low doorway — but all the time. The opposite of standing up straight.

Pigeon-toed Standing with your feet facing each other

5. Other Words for Beautiful

Attractive Nice to look at. You’d happily look at this person for hours if it wasn’t socially unacceptable.

Handsome It’s like beautiful but usually for men. More masculine and manly. Grrr.

Pretty Not as strong as beautiful, but still positive

Stunning Extremely attractive. Even stronger than “beautiful.”

Gorgeous A more informal way of saying “beautiful” or “handsome.”

Good-looking Er… he (or she) looks … good.

Cute “cute” to mean attractive

Hot More or less the same as “sexy.”

6. Other Words for Ugly

Rough This is actually quite rude, so be careful with this one. But it’s there. And it’s used. It means “very ugly.” Also, it’s very British.

Plain This is another euphemism. We use it when we want to say that someone has nothing about them that’s attractive. They’re not ugly. Just … boring … plain … even forgettable.

7. Adjectives for Hair Type

Curly

Wavy

Straight

8. Adjectives for Hair Length

Bald No hair at all.

Closely-cropped Very short hair. So short that you almost look bald.

Shaved No hair at all. But this time by choice. Because you shaved it off.

Balding Not bald. But you will be soon!

Shoulder-length Hair down to your shoulders. We can also have waist-length hair and even knee-length hair.

9. Adjectives for Hair Styles

Dreaded In a lot of languages, the word for this is “rasta.” Think of Bob Marley

Afro Very thick, very curly hair in a rounded shape.

Gelled When you add gel to your hair. You know, that sticky stuff that you can use to style your hair.

Slicked-back When you use gel or oil to comb your hair back.

Parted When you’ve divided the hair into two parts. You can have a centre parting or a side parting (or “part” in U.S. English).

Spiky When your hair is gelled up into spikes.

10. Adjectives for Hair Colour

Dyed (red, green, etc.) Maybe you don’t like your hair colour? Well, no problem — go out, buy some dye and dye your hair. You can have dyed green hair, dyed red hair or just dyed black hair.

Bleached Or maybe you want something brighter? Bleach your hair! This is when you use peroxide to lighten it.

Highlighted Perhaps you don’t want to bleach all of it? Maybe you just want some of it bleached — in lines (or “streaks”). Then get it highlighted.

Greying

Ginger “Ginger” is a way of describing people with naturally orange (“red”) hair.

Strawberry blonde Light red. But usually a euphemism for ginger.

Mousy brown A sort of brown, but a sort of pale brown

11. Adjectives for Hair Condition

Greasy You know when someone hasn’t washed their hair for a long time?

Shiny Hair that reflects lots of light. I also see it as 'shiny' when its greasy.

12. Adjectives for Age

Thirtyish About thirty. You can do the same with other ages: “sixtyish,” “sixteenish.” In fact, while we’re here, you can do this with times, too: “Let’s meet at Wimbledon at ten-ish.”

Young You know this, right? But when do you stop being young? This is quite subjective I guess. My answer is NEVER!

Youngish This is a great way to describe someone who’s sort of young, but maybe hitting middle age. Hard to tell. Youngish!

Middle-aged It surprises me how different everyone’s answers are to this. Personally, I think it’s 40. From 40, you’re middle-aged. There you go — I’ve just decided for everyone.

Old But when does middle age end and “old” begin? I don’t know. You’ll have to ask someone older than me.

Elderly It’s not very polite to describe people as “old.” So we invented this nice, polite, respectful word.

In his early 40s OK. This is a neat trick to describe people’s ages when you don’t know exactly how old they are.

13. Other Appearance Adjectives

Spotty You know those red spots many unfortunate teenagers get on their face? Technically the condition is called acne, but we usually just say “spots.” I was one of those unfortunate teenagers.

Clean-shaven Without a beard. But for a guy, not a woman.

Pierced We usually use this word to describe someone who has a noticeably large number of piercings.

Tattooed Someone with a lot of tattoos.

Hairy Lots of hair! Everywhere! Even on the back and the back of the hands!

There you all go! I think there are a total of 70 something. Please feel free to reblog and add your own I might have missed! Reblog, like, and comment!

If you share on Instagram tag me perpetualstories, please!

Follow me for more writing and grammar tips and more!

[songsoomin]

Begin Again Part 3 (A, S, F)

Word count 7k

Idol!Jongho x Fem!Reader, Best friend!Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to an emotionally abusive past relationship but Jongho helps her recover. Y/N is struggling with the anxiety of being intimate due to feeling exposed because she still can’t imagine anyone finding her physically attractive.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. Oral sex (m and f receiving), unprotected sex but reader is on oral contraception, very slight mention of manhandling and strength kink. Smut from the very beginning. In fact, most of this chapter is about Jongho and Y/N’s first time together.

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive.

Part 1 Part 2

Posted 9th February 2021

Soft moans left you as Jongho kissed your neck, biting lightly then swiping his tongue over the delicate skin where he'd just bitten. You were laying on his bed where you had been watching a film until Jongho's gentle touches turned into something more.

It had been months now since you had officially begun dating, after that night at the club. At the coffee shop you'd almost convinced yourself that he probably confessed because he'd been drinking but he promised to convince you otherwise, having seen the doubt on your face. You'd gone to bed that night hoping you were wrong and, true to his word, Jongho turned up at your apartment the next day for a real date.

Despite it having been months - and Jongho being the most amazing boyfriend - you'd not gone much further than kissing. Sometimes he would touch your chest over your clothes but you were still too insecure to be undressed in front of him. It wasn't that you didn't want to go further because you really, really did. Jongho's lips drove you crazy but something in your head just wasn't letting you progress in your relationship.

You sighed, frustrated, and Jongho pulled away to look at you.

"Y/N...it's fine. I told you I'll wait as long as you need. You don't need to rush this if you're not ready."

"I'm sorry, Jongho, you know I want to...I just...I can't get past this insecurity. It's like my brain can't accept that you'll still like me once you see me with my clothes off. I still can't see why you like me even with them on."

Your boyfriend looked at you sadly, his shoulders dropping slightly. It hurt him how you still thought of yourself.

"Y/N, you are so beautiful and one day I'm going to show you just how beautiful I think you are."

Despite him saying this kind of thing to you often, he could see that the message still wasn't getting through and wondered if there was something else bothering you.

"You know you're safe with me, right?" He said seriously.

"Of course, I do! It's not that."

Jongho was nothing like your ex but the damage he'd done meant that you were still having trouble trusting your new boyfriend. You trusted him to treat you well and be the wonderful person that he was...you just didn't trust that he'd still want you once you were naked in front of him. You genuinely worried that once he saw you like that he'd be disgusted and change his mind.

"Why don't we wind back the film and catch up on what we missed?" Jongho suggested.

He could see you were deep in thought but it didn't look like you were going to elaborate on your reply.

"Okay."

You gave him a small smile but it didn't reach your eyes. You watched the film distractedly, too busy hating yourself for not being able to move on from your past and feeling like a massive let down to Jongho.

                                                   ********

Some weeks later you were in the same situation except in your apartment now, Jongho on your comfy sofa with you sitting on his lap, facing him. When he first asked you'd resisted, sure your weight would make him too uncomfortable but when you voiced your concerns he'd cheekily replied with a wink,

"There's only one place you're making me uncomfortable."

Now you were straddling his lap you loved it. You could feel his strong thighs beneath you and his large hands on your hips. Your boyfriend's tongue explored your mouth once again and every now and then he would nibble on your bottom lip, eliciting quiet moans from you.

As he moved his lips along your jawline and down the soft skin of your neck, you started to feel that familiar tingling in your core and couldn't help but to grind against his crotch. His jeans were tight against the large bulge there and you smiled to yourself thinking back to his comment about you making him uncomfortable. You continued to grind against him and a louder moan slipped past your lips at the friction you felt.

Jongho took this as a positive sign and slowly moved his hands underneath the floaty top you were wearing. He always moved slowly so he could guage your reaction before going too far for you. You froze before quickly gathering yourself and pulling your top back down - the dark blonde man's hands already gone having felt you tense up.

Looking away from him you mumbled the apology you'd become used to giving and earning the usual sad look from Jongho because he kept telling you, you don't have to apologise for how you feel. Gently he moved you off his lap and onto the seat next to him but took your hands in his.

"Y/N...I'm not trying to rush you, I just really want to show you how beautiful I think you are...and how much I want you."

He sounded so sincere it made you feel even worse. You didn't want him to feel bad when he'd done nothing wrong.

"I know and I'm sorry. You're not making me feel pressured at all and I do want to do this but I can't get over the fear that you won't want me once you really see me."

"What do you mean?"

A confused look crossed Jongho's face as he waited for you to elaborate. You thought for a moment, trying to frame the words.

"Well...once you see what I look like underneath all this..." you said feebly gesturing to your clothes, "you won't want me anymore. I'll disgust you."

Jongho managed to look both astonished and incredulous at the same time.

"That's really what you think? That I'm so shallow I'd change my mind over your appearance?"

You looked away because the look he gave you now just made you feel ashamed.

"Haven't I told you enough times how beautiful I think you are?"

"I know I look better now I've lost some weight but - "

He let go of your hands suddenly and you felt the weight of your mistake in his absence.

"Don't you dare imply I only like you because you lost weight!"

He'd never got upset with you before but the hurt and anger in his voice was unmistakable.

You looked up cautiously not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.

"The first time I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen - that's why I was so shy around you. I couldn't have cared less what size you were. When you mentioned losing weight I saw that as my chance to get to know you alone. I didn't think you needed to change, I just wanted to spend time with you."

"Jongho, I - "

"You know, I don't have any problem waiting until you're ready and feel comfortable but what really hurts is that you think I could be anything like him."

The disdain in Jongho's tone as he mentioned your emotionally abusive ex was so obvious it made the vast difference between them strike you even more. They were polar opposites so why were you treating Jongho like he could be similar in any way? You sat, quietly ashamed while he continued.

"I think you look amazing but you are so much more to me than what you look like. How could you think I'd only care about that? Is that the kind of person you think I am?"

You looked up at your boyfriend without an answer. It was impossible to escape that you'd really hurt him but you didn't know how to make it better. You'd let your insecurities cloud your mind to the kind of man he was. It was him who was amazing and you'd made him feel like you didn't trust him at all.

"I'm sorry, Jongho...I just..."

You didn't have any other words so you just looked down at your hands while you wrung them unconsciously.

"I know your past treatment has really damaged how you feel about yourself...but I thought you knew I was better than that."

He paused just long enough to collect his keys and wallet before adding,

"I'm going to head home. I'll see you later."

You felt helpless to stop him as he walked out the door and quietly shut it behind him. The fact he'd shut it quietly was more like a slap in the face than if he'd slammed it - it showed how much more hurt he was than angry.  

Tears bagan falling down your face as you sat motionless on the sofa. Jongho was so patient and understanding and you'd just stomped all over that. It was enough that your past was still hurting you; you couldn't allow it to hurt him, too.

                                                    ********

"Joong?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

It was Friday night, your weekly movie night with Hongjoong and your bright red-haired best friend was sitting beside you on the couch engrossed in the film you were supposed to be watching but you were having trouble concentrating. All you could think of was the last time you'd seen Jongho and how hurt he'd looked.

"I really hurt Jongho and I don't know how to make it better. Has he said anything to you."

"No, he doesn't really confide in any of us about personal stuff. What happened?"

You cleared your throat as Hongjoong looked at you, expectant.

"Well, we haven't been...intimate yet..."

You trailed off as the male's eyes widened slightly as he realised where the conversation was going. You looked away, somewhat embarrassed. You'd talked to Joong about sex before but not about your own sex-life - or lack-thereof.

"Oh. Right. Well, now I think about it I know you guys weren't doing anything at the dorm but I guess I just assumed you were doing it here at your place. Not that I really thought about it."

He quickly added the last part and you laughed despite your unease.

"Can I ask what that has to do with hurting him?"

You shifted uncomfortably because you knew it was unfair to have let your past affect how you thought of Jongho and you didn't want Hongjoong to judge you.  

"It's not that I think he'd be nasty or anything...I'm just so scared that he won't feel the same about me once he sees me...naked."

Hongjoong fixed you with a look that somehow managed to both sympathise and disapprove at the same time.

"Y/N, Jongho isn't like that. You know he's not."

You looked down at your hands, feeling a bit ashamed of yourself.

"I do know but I can't seem to let go of the fear that he'll realise I'm not good enough."

You best friend sighed and put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you to his side.

"I do understand why you can't; your ex spent everyday making you feel worthless. But..." He shifted so he was looking you in the eye,

"I don't think you'll ever overcome it until you take that leap. Until you do it and see that you were worrying for nothing, that fear will just eat away at you. You've made so much progress with your confidence lately so I know you can do this."

"Believe me I want to." You said earnestly. "He's so fucking hot I just want to -"

"Hey!" Hongjoong startled you with a shout, "I do not want to know what you want to do to him. He's like my baby brother, I can't think of him doing that shit."

"Ah, yeah. Sorry."

"Seriously, though, Jongho really likes you and I can't imagine anything will change his mind. He doesn't vocalise his emotions much but I've seen the way he looks at you when he thinks we can't see. He adores you. He has done since he first saw you."

You were resolved now. He was right, it would never get better if you didn't take a chance. You were supposed to be seeing Jongho tomorrow night so you wouldn't have long to wait.

"You're right, Joong. Thank you. I'm just going to have to go for it."

"Well, look at it this way...if you saw Jongho naked and he's not...uh...as big as you imagined, would it change how you felt about him?"

You rolled your eyes.

"Of course not. To be honest, though," You lowered your voice slightly, "from what I've felt I don't think that will be a prob-"

"Stop it!" Hongjoong looked horrified but you couldn't help but laugh.

"Sorry, Joong. You did bring it up though."

                                                ********

The next day you decided to do everything you could to make yourself feel attractive and desirable; you waxed, shaved your legs, put on your best perfume and make up. When it came to clothes you didn't go all out as it was just a night in with Jongho but, earlier that day, you did spend some time shopping for a new matching bra and panties set. You didn't want to go slutty (yet) as it was going to be your first time with him but you still wanted it to be sexy. In the end you went for a pink with sexy lace detailing and cute, little bows. You weren't really sure what Jongho liked yet but you thought a bit of sexy and bit of cute would cover all bases.

You'd probably overthought all of it because you knew Jongho wasn't like your ex and he wouldn't be cruel but, in the back of your mind, you still had that fear that you would disgust him. It's what you'd come to think anyone would feel upon seeing you like that. You knew he was entitled to be upset with you when you voiced those fears to him, though, because it implied he was shallow. Thinking that he might care more about what size you were belittled his feelings for you.

You knew those feelings were there in everything he did. Hongjoong was right, Jongho didn't voice his emotions much but you could see how he felt about you in how caring he was. Often asking if you're feeling ok, making sure you're happy, making you laugh. He wasn't one for a lot of physical affection but he'd always wind his arm around you when out walking. If you were just watching tv he'd hold your hand or pull you in to his side. He seemed especially aware of when you were anxious like he was attuned to your emotions. He wasn't obvious about it but he would just take your hand and rub soothing circles over your skin with his thumb until you felt calmer.

When you really thought about just what an amazing boyfriend Jongho was, you could hardly believe you let your fear of rejection marr your relationship with him. You had to overcome it, though, because Jongho was just too precious to lose. You hadn't fully acknowledged it yet but you knew you were in love with him. Hopefully he felt the same about you.

The evening came and you and Jongho were watching a Netflix show you'd recently gotten in to, however, he could see that you weren't really concentrating. Observant of you, as always, he noticed your fidgeting hands and took them in his to calm you.

"What's wrong, Baby?"

What were you to say? 'I want to fuck you tonight but I'm not sure how to start things off’? You were never the one to start anything physical between the two of you, given that the nasty part of your brain loved to remind you that you might not be wanted.

"Nothing...I just wanted to do something but I'm not sure how to start."

That was a lie, really. You knew what to do, you just weren't sure how to summon up the courage.

A confused look flashed across your boyfriend's face at your very vague statement.

"What did you want to do?"

Summoning your courage you leant forward and pressed your lips to his. You felt his surprise for a second as he was always the initiator but it was only for a second - he eagerly returned the kiss from there on.

Jongho parted his lips slightly and swiped his tongue across your lower lip - an indication that he wanted to deepen it, to which you more than happily obliged.

As your tongues swirled around each other's you shifted on the couch to straddle his lap, just resting on his strong, thick thighs. This was another thing you'd never done, too worried your weight would be uncomfortable for him but you imagined if he was, he would let you know but he gave no sign of that. On the contrary, he seemed all too pleased to have you there, his hands grabbing your hips and pulling you further down into him.

As you continued to kiss you could feel the bulge in his jeans growing and gave an experimental thrust of your hips, earning a low moan from the man beneath you.

"Mmm, Baby what's gotten into you tonight?"

The way he looked up at you, his dark eyes curious but full of desire stirred a long-buried confidence from within you, resurrecting your dirtier side.

"Nothing...but I know what I'd like in me."

The best word to describe the look on Jongho's face was dumbstruck. This was absolutely not the kind of thing he expected to hear coming out of your mouth and, after taking a few seconds to recover, he cleared his throat.

"Y/N, are you sure you want to do this? You know I don't mind waiting until you're ready."

"I don't want to wait anymore. I want you."

Just then a horrible thought struck you - courtesy of the nasty part of your brain. What if he didn't mind waiting because he didn't like you that much?

"Unless you don't want to, of course."

Jongho rolled his eyes.

"Baby, I want to. So much. Just because I'm willing to wait until you're comfortable doesn't mean I'm not desperate to fuck you."

"Really?"

"You have no idea how much."

Feeling elated, you kissed him feverishly, your confidence renewed by his words. He returned the kiss just as enthusiastically, slipping his tongue in and making you go weak, like always.

You began grinding your hips against his clothed cock once more and Jongho moved his lips from your mouth to your neck, kissing along your smooth skin towards your shoulder, moving the fabric of your flimsy top and your bra strap aside when it got in his way. Both of you were getting pretty worked up at this point so he pulled away to whisper in your ear,

"Let's go into the bedroom."

A thrill of excitement ran through you at the meaning behind those words because, despite your insecurities about your body, you had fantasised about fucking Jongho for months now.

He led you into your bedroom by your hand - he hadn't been in here before as you'd never got to this point but, despite having not seen it, he didn't waste time looking around the room; his attention was solely on you as he headed straight for the bed. He sat you down on the side of your big bed and gently pushed you back - you got the hint and shuffled into the middle of your big bed with him following. You laid down and Jongho settled beside you, propping himself up on one arm and looking down at you, his eyes searched your face one last time for any signs you weren't sure about this. It wasn't your first time but it was your first time with him and the first time with anyone since your confidence and self-worth had become so damaged.

"Remember...if at any point you don't feel comfortable or change your mind...tell me and we can stop."

You placed your hands on either side of his face and smiled up at him - he was always thinking about you over himself. You didn't know how you'd got this lucky.

"I might not feel comfortable with myself but I am with you. I won't want to stop." You told him confidently and it was true; you knew he was going to look after you.

You pulled him down towards you so you could kiss him again - it had only been minutes since you last kissed but you needed his lips on yours again.

Jongho's soft lips pressed against yours gently at first but became more demanding as time went on and you kissed him back with just as much enthusiasm. The way your tongues swirled around each other felt somehow different this time - maybe because you both knew it was leading to more this time. Sometimes when you were kissing Jongho you felt you were both a bit reserved about it because you knew it wouldn't lead anywhere so why get yourselves that worked up? This time there was more passion, more desperation; you both wanted this so much. He wasn't rushing, though, he was taking his time and allowing you to feel comfortable before moving on to the next step.  

Your boyfriend's lips left yours to travel down to your neck, kissing and sucking your delicate skin while you got your breath back from the long kissing session. While he did this, the hand that he had on the side of your neck slowly moved down your chest and under the flimsy top you wore. You couldn't help but tense up and he paused his hand's movement but you put your hand on top of his and moved it upwards, urging him to continue. As anxious as you were, you wanted him to carry on...to feel his hands on your body.

Jongho's fingers lightly ghosted over the part of your breast that wasn't covered by your bra and just this simple touch was enough to start the excitement building in you. You wanted more, you wanted to be free for him to touch your chest so you did the bravest thing you'd done in ages, you sat up and lifted your top right up over your head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. You felt exposed but Jongho smiled at you appreciatively. You didn't know but this reassured him in a big way. He was worried that, as he was always the one to initiate anything between you, he was pushing you forward quicker than you'd like but this small action let him know you wanted this, too, and that you trusted him to be exposed in front of him like this.

More confident now, the dark blonde straddled you on the bed and returned to kissing your neck, switching between soft kisses and licks to biting and sucking - wanting to mark you so everyone could see you were his. As he marked the sensitive skin between your neck and shoulder a moan slipped past you at the sensation and you bit your hand to try and stifle it, embarrased at how easy it was for him to affect you like that.

"Don't." He said, gently pulling your hand away from your mouth, "I want to hear you. I want to hear how I'm making you feel."

You nodded and he went back to kissing you, slipping your bra straps off and moving down your chest, stopping to mark the top of one breast before reaching his hands behind to undo the clasp and removing the pretty bra completely. Instinctively your hands flew up to cover yourself but Jongho was quicker, grabbing your wrists and pinning them on each side of your head.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked with a small smile on his face. "I want to be able to see my beautiful girlfriend's body."

You couldn't deny him, not when he was looking at you so sincerely. Like he really did think you were something worth looking at.

"I'm going to let go of you now and you are not going to cover yourself up." The authoritative tone in his voice only added to your arousal but he really made you shiver when he brought one of your hands up to his head and said lowly,

"If you really need to do something with your hands you can play with my hair. I like it."

Your fingers trailed through Jongho's soft hair as he leaned down and brushed his lips against your breast...almost at your nipple but just teasing around it. Next he placed a kiss on the hardened bud, softly but just enough to excite you and have your core clenching around nothing. When he finally latched on to your nipple and sucked hard a thrill shot straight to your core and you pulled on his hair, earning a low groan from him.

He continued sucking and nibbling while he pinched and twisted your other nipple, switching sides every now and then and really working you up. If he was trying to excite you so much that you started to forget about your insecurities, then it was working. You didn't even tense up as he began to kiss down your stomach, undoing your jeans as he went. It would be a lie to say your worries weren't still in the back of your mind but Jongho was making you feel so good, kissing everywhere - even the areas you thought were too big - like he wanted to love every single part of you.

Your head snapped up when he stopped and got up - anxieties all ready to bubble up to the surface - but he just smiled at you from the end of the bed as he pulled your jeans completely off and said,

"Don't worry, Baby...my mouth will be right back in a second."

You giggled and relaxed back as he discarded your jeans, watching him crawl back up the bed to you before kissing you passionately. You felt his gentle fingers stroke your folds over your panties and had a brief moment of embarassment upon realising he must be able to feel the dampness from how excited he'd already made you. It was only a brief moment, though, because the overriding feeling was an absolute desire for him to stop being gentle and slide his long fingers inside you already. There was no way he didn't know this because you began to squirm slightly and bring your legs together in an effort to get a little friction at least.

"Are you that impatient?" He whispered in your ear, his hot breath fanning over your skin.

"I want you." You whimpered shyly; aware that he held all the power in this scenario but not minding one bit. If you had to define your temperament in bed, you would definitely be on the subby side.

"You can have whatever you want." He laughed affectionately, nibbling your earlobe before moving down to where you wanted him most.

Jongho slowly started to slide your damp panties down your legs and you felt like you just might explode. You were now wondering if he wasn't just going slow to make you feel more comfortable but instead wanted you to die from sexual frustration. You watched him impatiently as he finally took them off completely and he smirked. He was definitely teasing you and enjoying every minute of it.

His strong hands gripped your knees and parted your legs before positioning himself in between them but he wasn't done teasing yet. His soft lips ghosted over the delicate skin of your inner thighs right up to where they met your pussy. You could feel his breath tickle your folds as he hesitated, just admiring you and you whined loudly, partly because you felt too much on display but mostly because you needed some relief right now.

"Jongho!"

"Okay, okay. I'll stop teasing. Every single part of you is just so beautiful, even your pretty little pussy. I could just look at it all day"

You moaned again at his words and he dove straight in like he'd been waiting forever to do this, his hot tongue parting your wet folds and licking straight up from your core to your clit as his hands found their way around your thighs to pull you closer to him.

The moan that left you when his tongue finally touched you there was loud and erotic because he'd worked you up so much you'd become desperate for it - your clit so sensitive from anticipation that you imagined you'd cum embarrasingly quickly. In response to your obscene noises you felt the vibration of Jongho's low groan run through you - only adding to the sensations his tongue was providing.

As he lapped at your clit you couldn't help but grab his hair tightly, trying not to pull too hard but failing. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was getting more turned on by it if the grinding of his hips into the bed beneath him was anything to go by. Desperate for more you pulled him further in to you by his hair and he somehow knew what you wanted; he closed his lips around your clit and sucked hard. Another porn star-like moan escaped you; no one had ever made you feel quite this good before. He was almost taking your breath away with ther sheer pleasure his mouth was giving you.

Jongho's fingers dug in to your thighs as he pulled you impossibly close and alternated between licking and sucking but it was when he started to nibble at your clit that you came hard and loud, the waves of your orgasm flooding over you and drowning you in more pleasure than you'd ever felt before. It seemed to last forever as the dark blonde didn't stop, still lightly sucking to keep your high going. It wasn't until your legs were shaking and you were whimpering from overstimulation that he finally let go - not before a couple of kitten licks to your now unbearably sensitive bud.

Jongho crawled up the bed and reclined next to you, leaning on his elbow so he could look down at your blissfully fucked-out expression. He cupped your face with his hand and kissed your lips; you were still a little dazed but you enthusiastically kissed him back. His hand trailed to your breast, using his thumb to stroke your hard nipple and you squirmed a little as the feeling went straight back to your swollen clit. It was both excrutiating and incredibly pleasurable but too much for you to bear right now so you reluctantly took his hand and interlocked your fingers while you kissed instead.

Of course, he knew what you were doing and the smug look on his face confirmed that.

"Was it too much?" He inquired with fake innocence.

You shook your head and closed your eyes, still a little out of breath and he giggled at your still dazed state.

You laid quietly for a few moments, your boyfriend's hands stroking your skin, before deciding it was his turn. You got up and pulled on his shirt, indicating you wanted it off, he quickly complied and, once free of the clothing, you pushed him so he was laying flat on the bed. Straddling him you kissed his soft lips first, noting there was still a faint trace of you on them, before giving a little kitten lick to his top lip and moving down to his neck. As you kissed the skin around his collarbone he moaned lowly - clearly he enjoyed being kissed there as much as you did.

The noises coming from Jongho seemed to increase as you made your way down his toned chest and abs, running your warm hands over his smooth skin as you went. His body was so beautiful but, for once, you didn't feel inferior. The way he had treated you so far made you feel adored and even now, naked and exposed, he looked at you so appreciatively. The only thing you were feeling right now was amazement that someone this perfect could be yours.

As you reached the line of soft hair that went down from his belly button and disappeared into his jeans you felt excited to see what was underneath. You had a good idea that he was on the bigger side from the bulge you'd seen after some heated kissing sessions but you couldn't wait to see it for real so you started to unbutton his jeans. Jongho leaned up on his elbows, watching with anticipation as you unzipped him and took the waistband of his jeans and boxers in your hands. You looked up at him as you pulled them down, taking in his wide eyes and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Part of you wanted to pay him back for the teasing while another wanted to draw out this moment of anticipation so you pulled down his clothing slowly, glancing up once or twice to see the slightly frustrated look cross his features. You smiled to yourself as you continued but the smile soon fell from your lips as you finally saw what Jongho had been hiding.

You felt your eyes widen as the smile dropped, your lips now open in awe. You knew he was going to be big but...fuck. Jongho wasn't just long, he was wide, too.

"Y/N?" His deep voice pulled you from your thoughts.

"Oh...uh...yeah?"

"You like what you're seeing?" He asked, looking more than a little smug.

"Yeah...but..."

"But what?" He teased.

"I just didn't expect you to be quite this...big."

Jongho giggled at your flustered expression. "You worried you're not gonna be able to take it all?" He said cockily.

"Oh no, I'm having it all." Your awe had faded and now you were getting excited again; you were desperate to see how he felt inside you.

Jongho groaned at your words and shimmied his jeans and boxers down past his hips while you took his length in your hand and slowly started to stroke up and down. He watched your hand moving as you gazed at him, not breaking eye contact as you lowered your head and gave his most sensitive spot a little lick. He groaned as you enveloped the head of his cock with your mouth, having to open wide to get it all in, then closed his eyes and threw his head back as you started to bob up and down.

His hands found their way to the back of your head - not pushing, just holding on as your head moved, intertwining his fingers with your hair. You could feel when he was getting more excited because his hand in your hair started to hold tighter, although it seemed like he was holding back slightly, trying not to hurt you.

You pulled off his dick, turning your attention to that most sensitive spot on the underside just under the head, flicking your tongue over it again and again. His hand in your hair shook slightly and he couldn't help but grab even tighter - you smiled and looked up at him teasingly. He almost growled but, surprisingly, pulled you off him completely. You didn't have time for your surprise to turn to worry, though, as he quickly said,

"If you carry on like that I'm gonna cum."

"That was sort of the point." You retorted playfully.

"I don't want to cum in your mouth just yet. Besides, tonight is for me to make you feel good and...show you how much I love you."

You heard the words but they didn't register fully as you were too busy worrying about him.

"But I want you to feel good, as well."

"Oh, I will," He replied confidently, "but I want to fuck you now and make you cum some more."

A shiver ran down your spine at his commanding tone. How could you refuse that kind of offer?

Jongho gently pushed you down so you were laying on your back, looking up at him in anticipation, the excitement was building inside you again. His strong hands spread your legs then placed himself in between them; he was looking at your pussy hungrily as it clenched around nothing but desperately wanting something to fill it. He leant forward and held himself over you with one hand while, with the other, he lightly started to stroke your wet folds with his fingertips. A shaky sigh left your lips and you closed your eyes, a little frustrated as your boyfriend seemed to be a master at teasing. You couldn't decide if you loved it or hated it because it drew the moment out and you knew it would feel a hundred times better once he finally entered you but god did you want his cock right now.

You opened your eyes again to see Jongho smirking down at you while he continued to stroke your folds - he was clearly loving the effect he had on you. You looked up at him with pleading eyes and he giggled but gave in to your unspoken request by sliding two fingers into your aching hole and curling them upwards to press on your sweet spot. You moaned loudly from the sudden relief - you were right...the teasing made it all the more rewarding now that he was touching you.

Your dark blonde boyfriend lowered his lips to yours and kissed you passionately, his tongue dancing with yours as you let him dominate the kiss. He pulled back slightly and sucked your bottom lip before gently nibbling it then pulling away completely. You chased after his lips, not wanting it to end so he gave in and kissed you some more, still sliding his fingers in and out of your wet hole.  

When he pulled away again you let him because you knew there was much better to come and you wanted more than just his fingers inside you. Jongho knelt between your legs and replaced his fingers with his achingly hard member, sliding it up and down between your folds and collecting your juices to lubricate himself before lining up with your heated core. As he pushed his length inside you, you both groaned in unison. You could feel him going deeper and stretching your walls out as they hugged his cock tightly - you'd never been with anyone that big before and it felt exquisite.

"Shit, you're so tight." Jongho growled as he bottomed out in you.

"Maybe you're just - aah! - too big." You said playfully as he found your sweet spot again.

Now that he'd found the right spot, Jongho continued to thrust, hitting it every time. It was overwhelming and you could feel the tension building in you causing you to keep clenching around his cock even tighter. As he picked up his pace even more, Jongho grabbed your hips so he could fuck into you harder. He was gripping you so tight you imagined the bruises that would be there in the morning and it caused your orgasm to approach even faster - you'd always had a bit of a kink for being manhandled.

Soon enough the high crashed over you and you cried out wantonly while Jongho did his best to keep going but your walls were holding him so tight now he could barely move.

"Fuck, Y/N, you feel so good around my cock."

As your high ebbed away and you relaxed a little, Jongho began to fuck you again. Now your pussy was hyper sensitive you could feel every ridge and vein as he thrusted in and out and the lewd squelching noises of him fucking your own cum back into you. His harsh movements were causing your breasts to bounce and you had a tiny moment of embarrassment. You moved your arms to cover yourself again but instantly Jongho's strong hands grabbed your wrists and pinned them on either side of your head.

"I told you I wanna see you while I fuck you. Your tits look so beautiful bouncing as I slam my cock into you."

As if to confirm how much he liked it he bent his head down and took one of your hardened nipples into his mouth and sucked hard. It felt so good you forgot all about being embarrassed and Jongho pinning you down while he fucked you was a bigger turn-on than you'd imagined. You hadn't told him but you loved how strong he was.

You could feel he was getting close to cumming by the way his hips began to stutter and his dick twitching inside you. You knew what you wanted but weren't sure if he wanted the same.

In a small voice you whispered, "Will you cum inside me?"

"God...I've been waiting so long for this. It was torture not being able to fuck you."

You took that as a yes.

Jongho's grunt increased as he neared and with a few more sloppy thrusts he came inside you, covering your tight walls in his creamy, white release.

He stayed inside you for a while, just getting his breath back. You gazed up at him wondering how he could be even hotter now that his hair was slightly sticking to his forehead with sweat.

Your boyfriend slowly pulled out of you and laid down beside you, drawing you into a hug and gently stroking your hair. It was quiet for a few minutes while you just enjoyed the sensation of being naked in his arms with nothing between you. Something was also playing on your mind, now that you remembered the words he spoke earlier but that you'd been to distracted to register at the time. After some time thinking you decided to just ask him.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" He asked, bending his head down to kiss your hair.

"You said you wanted to show me how much you love me." Your voice was almost a whisper as the fear of being wrong gripped you but without a second's hesitation he replied,

"Of course I did. I love you. I know I haven't said it before tonight but it seemed like a good time to tell you."

You looked up at him, gazing back down at you with the most sincerity you'd ever seen in his beautiful, dark eyes.

"I love you, too, Jongho. I think I have done for months now."

"You are the most beautiful person in the world to me - inside and out. Don't ever forget that."

"How did I get so lucky to have you?"

"I am perfect, aren't I?" He joked. You rolled your eyes and playfully swatted at him.

"If you want to," he said, more serious now, "you can have me forever."

"Deal." You replied, snuggling back into his strong embrace.

[jules-versus-fitness]

Progress Post: 10 Months Difference 

I feel like it’s time that I share a little of my story with you guys! This post takes a bit of bravery for me to post, because I still find some of these pics a little uncomfortable to look at but I want to put more of my experience on this blog in case it helps someone else. 💪 

PS- PLEASE don’t compare yourself to these pictures, my feelings about my body relate to me alone and are no statement about anyone else, bodies are beautiful at all sizes and my changes were to make me feel more comfortable and connected to my body. 

(1st picture: August 2019) (2nd picture: April 2020)

This first picture is still hard for me to look at. I was on a quick weekend trip to see family and I had thrown on an old bikini to swim in the sea (one of my favourite things!) and had a great time. I didn’t realise this picture had been taken until afterwards, and when I saw it I felt so upset, so embarrassed that people had seen me this way. 

It is, in fairness, a terrible picture- I was shiny and pink from the sun, was still bloated from eating, the bikini no longer fit well and I wasn’t posed in any way. I wasn’t unhappy during this time, but my mental image of my body didn’t match what I saw in pictures, and it was jarring to see this. I had worked insanely hard for the past year, giving up all my time to my degree and then celebrating with all my friends and family afterwards. I was really proud of myself and I don’t regret putting all my energy into my work at all. 

However, my clothes no longer fit, I was in the habit of drinking far too much, and I had lost all connection with my body. I was terrified of going to appointments at doctors, so scared to be told that I was now ‘officially’ overweight, and most of all, convinced that my weight would continue to grow whatever I did. 

(1st picture: November 2019) (2nd picture: May 2020)

When I first started losing weight, I was mostly just restricting calories as much as possible. I would eat between 1400-1800 calories per day, which left me fuzzy-brained, tired and constantly thinking about food. All day I would just be distracting myself from thoughts of food, whether I was hungry or not it became an obsession. 

I was just over 180lbs/13 stone when I started measuring, and the first 15lbs came off pretty quickly. I started doing HIIT workouts regularly, and started slowly getting a little stronger. As I began exercising more, I realised I couldn’t continue without eating more, and being more conscious of what I was eating beyond just calories. (Notes: I don’t track macros and currently don’t buy any protein products, but I eat lots of nuts/seeds and fortified vegetarian products to ensure I’m getting plenty of protein, iron and B12 in my diet!)

I then took up a super physically demanding temp job in December, and to survive I ended up eating so much more than I was used to (around/over 3000 calories/day). I was honestly surprised to find I kept losing weight during this, but it really taught me a valuable lesson about how there’s more than one way to lose weight, and that your body really needs to be fuelled right to function properly.

(1st picture: November 2017) (2nd picture: May 2020)

These days, I eat 1900-2300 calories per day and am very, verrry slowly still losing weight. I alternate running training and HIIT workouts, with regular rest days when I want them. I love the variety in my workouts, I feel so connected to my body and I’m stronger than ever. 

As a little comparison, the first picture here was me at my lowest adult weight. I was working a job where I was always anxious, my shared house was impossible to cook in and I would run miles at the gym most days as a release. I remember only eating around 750 calories for days on end when I started that job. 

You might think I look the same or ‘better’ in the first picture, but I was so physically weak, self conscious and becoming obsessed with trying to appeal to all the wrong people. I’m so much stronger now, I love how my body moves and feels, I know how to fuel myself properly and I am so adaptable and forgiving toward myself. 

I’ve unlearnt a lot of dangerous myths about health, fitness and weight, gained a lot of perspective and am so excited to keep working on me, whatever that looks like!

I’m going to make a follow up post about what I’ve learnt, so stay tuned if you’re interested. If you have any questions or want any support with your own journey, come talk to me! I’m by no means an expert but I love sharing experiences and learning from all of you. 💕

[snow-and-backpain]

as i walk

every step i take, i feel my stomach bounce

i have felt it before but now i notice it more

i tighten my core to minimize this feeling, and it helps a bit, but i still feel it

i wish i was 40 pounds lighter

i’ll accept 30 and it doesn’t have to be 50

i am not against 50 but it is not my goal

why do i feel this way now

why have i not felt this way before

when i noticed i was 20 pounds more than before

oh right

because physically, i did not see a difference

because now, that i turned around in the mirror and saw my back, i noticed fat where i have not seen it before

‘wait, that wasn’t there before’

i look at myself naked once a week so that my own body is not a total stranger to me

i am not sure if i will ever be comfortable seeing myself naked, but i don’t want to to look at a body i don’t recognize

i still like myself though

i’m glad i do

there are still improvements that can be made on my personality but, i still like me

i like who i am and i like what i like

i just need to lose weight

i think it will be good for me

i have been overweight since middle school but back then i didn’t care

i still don’t care

but now, being fatter means being more uncomfortable in clothes

having more to cover

more clothes that won’t fit me

don’t get me wrong, i love chub

it’s fun to touch and squeeze and play with

but it’s time for it to go

it doesn’t have to be completely gone

but a lot cannot stay

i love you, but it hasn’t been easy

it’ll be good for me to lose you

i’m going to eat better and start being more active again

let’s see how it goes

this is not me hating fat peeps, that’d be some self hate right there and i don’t hate myself for my body

i don’t hate myself either but college is making me feel weak and stupid, which i guess to some extent sure but damn, its really wearing me down

so this isn’t me tearing anyone down, i would never do that, i’m just trying to find some outer peace

i used to have that but ever since i saw that physical change in myself i realized i needed to start taking better care of my body

[vavuska]

If you do quick search on Google Imagine for draw of chubby persons, you will see that most of the subjects are drawn with sad expressions, while their slim and athletic alter egos are happy and smiling.

Why they are sad? Because they are “overweight” and they have low self-esteem.

Mmmm. They have low self-esteem because society told them — and us — that if our bodies doesn't match with standards imposed by mainstream media, we have no value: we are not attractive, ambitious or, yes, smart. We have no talent and no one will love us. That's not true, obviously.

Being slim and athletic won't make necessarly us happy.

Some girls who have a natural thin body structure for genetic reasons, have find their selves slotted into a footnote: “Oh yeah, and if you’re naturally skinny—must be nice—you’ve got a fast metabolism and stuff so, ya know, just eat more.”

That “just eat more” advice would work fine for most people, but the fact that they aren’t most people is precisely why they’re being given that advice in the first place, and also why that advice is rather naive. For most people, eating lots of food means gaining weight. Maybe the person who heard that thing, is actually eating a lot and they probably even like it (but they don't got fat).

What most people don’t realize is that telling someone to eat more is as silly as us telling someone other, “Just eat less—duh.” That’s not going to solve any problems: it is just making them feel uncomfortable with their body.

Again, if you search for "skinny girls draw" on Google Imagine, you will find smiling persons, that show proudly an apple, compared with chubby sad persons with fuzzy drinks and hamburgers.

Ok. A complete meal against a fruit. Wow.

Both being underweight that being overweight could cause or be caused by depression.

Although depression amongst overweight people is more common in women than men, both genders are equally prone to feeling depressed when it comes to thin people.

The study was conducted by Seoul National University of Medicine, but experts have not concluded whether being skinny is a cause or symptom of depression.

They pointed out that depressed people may be more likely to lose - or gain - weight, or it could be that being thin - or overweight - makes people depressed.

However there are gender differences.

“It seems that the current ideal of thinness affects women more than their male counterparts and causes more psychological distress in women, which can, in turn, lead to depression,” the researchers said.

“In contrast, men who are overweight showed a significantly decreased risk of depression.”

Dr Agnes Ayton, vice-chairman of the eating disorders faculty at the Royal College of Psychiatrists, said: “This large study confirms that optimal nutrition is fundamentally important for physical and mental health. Both being underweight and obese is associated with an increased risk of depression.”

“It is an important finding, as people with eating disorders often assume that losing weight will improve their happiness. This study shows that the opposite is true and malnutrition has a detrimental effect on people's mood. Maintaining a healthy weight is essential for good mental health.”

Ok, so... An happy life and an happy mental health is very connected with a good self-esteem than the actual “healthy weight”. People with healthy weight can have a low self-esteem and depression too.

I admit that I lack a lot of confidence and do not feel good about myself most of the time.

And when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.

When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.

When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.

If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.

In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.

In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.

Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.

You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping. Or searching for comfort in food.

People with a good self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves for who they are, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities and accomplishments. They also acknowledge that while they’re not perfect and have faults, those faults don’t play an overwhelming or irrationally large role in their lives or their own self-image (how you see yourself).

HERE SOME USEFUL TIPS TO RAISE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM:

Our self-image is deeply connect with our body image.

What is body image?

Body image is defined as an individual construct that is influenced by mixed feelings and ideas about one’s own appearance.

However, because there is a complex overlap between emotions and self-perception, body image is not always reflective of how an individual actually appears. Like self-esteem, body image can be distorted or inflated, relatively accurate or slightly ignored depending on the individual.

If you’re an individual who has struggled with poor body image and depression, it can be difficult to distinguish which came first.

Understanding where negative self-talk begins can be an overwhelming endeavor. Many people have become so accustomed to the emphasis our culture places on appearance that obsessing about it seems normal. In addition to this, there are unlimited ways an individual’s self-esteem and the way they perceive their body can be influenced.

Women are generally characterized by being concerned about attractiveness, and less satisfied with their appearance based on achieving unrealistic standards of thinness. While the foundations for acceptable appearance may be built in adolescence, as adults we often find attractiveness correlated with success, competency or happiness. This message, however it may be played out in media, can reinforce scrutiny about body image and dissatisfaction or unhappiness at not meeting the standard.

This by no means indicates that men are not vulnerable to the cycles of negative body image and depression. In fact, it’s estimated that roughly 45% of men are unhappy with their bodies (Better Health). The same factors and pressures exist for men, but the ways in which the disorders will express themselves can be different.

Men, for example, can be more likely to engage in over-exercising, generally being pushed toward the use and effectiveness of their body being likened to a machine.

There is a correlation between poor body image and eating behaviors. When people feel poorly about themselves and have a negative body image, they are more likely to be susceptible to disordered eating behavior (Cargill, 2012). The negative self-talk and appraisal of one’s body and appearance, coupled with depression, can lead to a negative cycle of living.

HERE YOU CAN FIND SOME USEFUL TIPS ABOUT RAISING YOUR SELF-IMAGE:

The article above give precious advice:

- Give yourself some daily task: I know that can be difficult, but it will give a purpose to your day and it will make you fell better, if you completed your "to do" list. Search for quotes that will inspire you to give your best. Set realistic expectations for yourself: Consciously think how reasonable and manageable your goals are before striving for them, remembering that life in general is imperfect. Recognise there is a huge difference between failing at something you do and being a failure as a person. Don’t confuse the two. Redefine failure, and keep trying. When you have low self-esteem, it’s common to think of yourself as a complete and utter failure. But failure is part of success. Failure doesn’t characterize you as a person or determine your self-worth.

- Develop your interests: When you’re depressed and your self-esteem feels like it’s sinking daily, it’s easy to overlook your passions. Take the time to “write a list of things you used to love to do and stopped doing along with things you always wanted to do but haven’t done yet.”

For exemple, if you loved to draw, then take your time, a paper and draw something inspire you.

- Do some exercise: that don't means that you must to start to have hard gym training, it have a cost, and you could be not ready for that (myself avoid gyms because I don't want to be judged for my body), but you can make some movement in other ways: instead of moving your care, you can walk to reach near destination or use a bike, if you have one. One of the best parts of my day is biking to university: when I'm nervous, it calms me.

That's why I decided to turn that negative narration in a positive one: I edited the pics to meke people happier and give them various interests!

[riverforasong]

The Naked News

So, When I answered a bunch of questions about nudism on tumbr the other day, a lt of people seemed interested in the whole rundown of events, So I wrote the whole story down for anyone who wants to read it, Any questions or concerns, lay��‘em on me.

Being naked has this weird stigma on it. Like it's uncouth, unnatural, shameful, and should be saved for only a very very small percent of times. Basically bathing, and sex, and you can't talk about either of them, because somebody deemed it makes other people uncomfortable. But because we never talk about it, but stigma grows deeper, and it makes being naked seem more and more unnatural when in fact is about as natural a thing as humanly possible. This is something I never understood, even as a young child before I knew what a nudist was I could never really grasp the fact that people hated the naked body. I was always the naked kid, I can never keep my clothes on no matter where I was, banks, restaurants, school, wherever. I was told I would grow out of it, and, "See the error of my ways." That's real, that's a real thing that was said to me. Well I'm here to tell you I'm almost 30, and I haven't really grown out of anything. This does not usually go over well. See my parents have a thing about looking like bad parents. If I did anything that reflected poorly on them, maybe be too loud in public, not clean up right away, not look a certain way, stuff like that, I was meant with... Why don't we call it resistance? Let me explain, see when I was a kid my parents were very liberal with certain things. I never really had a curfew, I could drink, I could party, I could do a whole lot of stuff because my parents trusted me. But they had very conservative views about a very small number of things. One of them, was nudity. Now I don't mean galavanting around the town in nothing but shoes and a smile, But if I was without a shirt for longer than a couple of seconds I was accosted. My bedroom and the bathroom was literally three steps away from one another, but if I went from the shower to my room in just a towel, I would never hear the end of it. This was their hard line, this was the thou shalt not pass of their parental guidance. I never really understood why. Now I was always a good kid, I did okay in school, I almost never got detention, I had friends, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, I didn't get somebody pregnant when I was 15. I followed every single one of my parents restrictions, except one. I hated wearing clothes. I was always more comfortable without them, I found them restricting and unpleasant. Like an almost made it difficult to concentrate, I feel like it also kind of makes my anxiety go up sometimes, but I don't think science is substantiated that yet. So I would come home from school, throw my bag back to the side, grab a snack from the fridge, head to my room and immediately get naked. This is how I came down from the day, and we kind of forget about it now, but school was stressful yo. We all needed this chance to relax and unwind for a bit. This was mine. It didn't hurt nobody, I wasn't doing anything wrong or illegal, I was just trying to get my mind back together. However there was always this Halo of shame hanging over it. I have been taught, and I had learned for however many years it had been, that this was wrong. What I was doing was bad and I should feel ashamed about it. It taught me on a subconscious level that this is something that makes me feel good, and I should feel bad about that. I never knew why my parents were so aggro about this particular thing, and wasn't until I started going to therapy that I realized what it was. My parents took anything and everything that made them look like they weren't the world's best parents as a personal slight against them. To them, anything but being fully dressed at all times was seen as a bad parenting decision from them. I made them look bad, and that was my fault. So I would get punished for it. Not in any real tangible way, I wasn't grounded or I wasn't disciplined in any way, But I was constantly treated with derision and from my dad's side passive aggression. That was their big go-to. This was a confusing time for me, because I knew being naked help me, and it was a positive thing overall, but I just couldn't get over the shame I felt from it. You can imagine what this did to my body confidence and image. I'd always been an overweight kid, this wasn't a surprise and I had learned to deal with it, usually through being naked. I grew to maybe not love my body, but accept it for what it was and all of its idiosyncrasies. I knew that nudity was the thing that helped me, I tried to bring this up to my parents once, under the guise of the show we were watching. A biography on the comedian Jack Black, now fun fact Jack Black's parents were nudists as well, and I thought this was an interesting way to lean into the conversation. I said how I thought it was a cool way to live, and how it helps people feel good about who they are and about how they look. My mom replied, disgustedly, with "Don't these people have any shame! How do they live like that? Nobody wants to see fat people naked." And there it was, they didn't know they had admitted it to me, but they had. It clicked into my brain, my parents wanted me covered up at all times, because they were ashamed of how I looked. Then a lot of memories kept flooding in. My mom always bought clothes that were a little bit too big for me. If I wore a large, she bought an extra large. She always said it was for comfort, so I wouldn't feel constricted in tight clothing, but I realize now that I think she was just doing it so it would hide me a little bit more. My parents, unknowingly told me that I should feel ashamed for looking how I do, and being okay with that and showing it to anybody, ANYBODY, was the worst mistake I could make. And boy, have you ever been in the shame spiral? Cuz this kind of parenting will send you in one real quick. The one thing that helped me, was immediately shattered. I became very insular, I didn't know how to react anymore. I hated the fact that I was a nudist, I hated that it brought me comfort, enjoy, and ease my anxiety. I wanted to be just like everybody else, I wanted to be repulsed at the sign of a human body, I wanted to be modest and feel like I'm everybody else felt. Most importantly I wanted to feel like I belonged, I didn't want to feel like a disappointment, I wanted to feel like I had people on my side, and to do that I had to throw away the thing that helped me the most. I had never felt so alone in a room full of people before. This was seen as my one big secret. like a drug addiction or alcoholism I had to hide. I could never tell anybody about it, and if I ever did I would have such a visceral physical reaction, I would shake, I would panic, my heart rate would go through the roof, and I would wait for the shame to hit once again. This feeling lasted for years. Years and years. It still lasts to this day, if I'm to be perfectly honest. I've taken to trying to speak on it more, and more positively to shake myself from that. Answering questions that people invariably have used to terrify me, because I always thought it was a sort of laughing at me not with me sort of an idea. But now I realize, That more often than not people are just curious. I'm still trying to work through everything that was built up in me. when you find out that you've lived through an abusive childhood a lot of your perceptions get shifted massively, especially when the one thing you used to cope that you thought was a positive step was for so long a point of derision. It's hard, it's really hard. Especially in the time of coronavirus when anxiety is at an all-time high, and here I am making my anxiety worse on purpose so I can break through it. So I wrote this down, so I could force myself to put it out into public, and to answer the questions a lot of people seem to have. I need to do this, so I can prove to myself that the shame that I lived with for so long was just a manifestation of my parents, and not how reality actually is. So the biggest question I get on a day-to-day basis, is how did it start. The answer that is kind of a simple and unfortunate one, which is that I don't really know. I had never been a type of guy to wear clothes that often anyway, and it just turned out it had a name attached to it. So really I had always been the naked type, and I just slid Secondly is what exactly does a nudist do? Well pretty much the same thing everybody else does, just naked. I cook, I clean, I watch TV, I write, I just played through control on the Xbox, right now I'm working through Batman the telltale series. There's no real activity that separates nudists from textiles, it's just a lack of clothing that does it. There are specifically nude beaches, resorts, and camps that people can go to, but it really is just like every other resort camp or beach you've ever been to. Is it ever awkward? Not after a while, I imagine people's first times can be kind of unsettling because they have to break that barrier that they've been told not to break their entire life, but once you get through it it's really easy, and you kind of forget you're naked. Actually a bit of a fun story, the first time I went to a nudist gathering, it was the naked bike ride in Portland, I had never been to something like this before so I didn't know what to expect. My wife and I got there, and you saw everybody in various states of clothing, body paint, hairdos, and nobody was really paying attention to any of it. Nobody cared what you wore, or what you look like, we were all just hanging out and having fun. In fact the longer we stayed clothed, the more awkward we felt. It was a weird reverse of everyday life. What do your friends think? Well if It's ever bothered any of them they've never told me, nudism's all about being comfortable, and that's for us and them. So if it ever made them uncomfortable, or awkward, you stop and get dressed. What about being nude with the opposite sex I'm here to tell you right now, there's nothing less sexy than a nudist gathering. Not because of how anybody looks, but because there is no charge in the atmosphere at all. Nobody's here to get laid, we're all just here to hang out and have fun. It's not awkward unless you make it awkward, and nine times out of 10 everybody's cool with it. We as a society have to learn to separate nudity from sex. Yes they're kind of intertwined in a certain way, But it's not a necessity. Basically, ain't nobody looking. In fact, sitting naked with a group of friends all of whom you're comfortable enough with, and you've been together forever, it's one of the best ways to bond Think of all the stuff you've been through with your friends, if seeing each other naked is going to ruin things, maybe you're not as good as friends as you thought.

What about kids?

This is another thing I get quite a bit, can children be nudists. I often hear parents say they don't want their children parading around naked, because it might attract unwanted people. The only question I have for that is why are you sexualizing your own children? I can always speak for myself when I say how important it is for children to have a good image of their own body, and if we tell them from a young age That who they are at the very core is shameful, it's going to mess them up for a long long time. Nudity important for children So they can learn that who they are is not inherently shameful. That's how we'll eventually raise our kids, so they know that they have nothing to feel bad about, I don't want them to go through the thing I had to go through, because they deserve better than that. So that's being nudist in a nutshell, it's taking me a really long time to get to a point where I can talk about it without feeling like I'm about to have the righteous fury of God to send upon me and destroy all that I hold dear. hopefully this has been educational, and a little bit interesting for those of you who wanted to learn about it a little bit. if you got any more questions, concerns, or interesting facts nobody else cares about I suppose you can throw it in the ask box. My therapist told me the more I talk about it, the better it'll be in the long run. It's been a really difficult journey to get to where I'm at, and I want to thank the people who helped me through it for helping me through it. It's so hard to basically knock your house down, and start from the foundation again.But hopefully this time, with  little luck and a lot of work, I can build it up better.

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

The Little Things

Fandom: Kingsman

Pairing: Eggsy Unwin x Overweight Reader 

Writer: @imaginesofeveryfandom aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long

Warning: Mentions body image issues

Summary/Requested: Requested by anon: Okay I have and idea for the previous ask what about one where the reader is very insecure about her body, and eggsy makes sure that she's beautiful 

Notes: Gender neutral pronouns used 

It was the little things really, that made a difference. Little things over a long period of time really could change the way someone felt, the way someone perceived the world, themselves. Eggsy never did some grand ol’ declaration of your beauty or your worth, didn’t do one event and hope it would change the way you saw yourself. He just reminded you every through little words and little actions of the way he felt about you and the way he wished you felt about yourself. It was a persistent and subtle effort that had an undeniable effect.

It wasn’t that you hated your body per say, rather you were highly insecure and uncomfortable in it. It was hard to explain, less a deep hatred and more a displeasure. It came from a place deep within yourself, a place that had been created by other people, by the world. You’d grown up fat, with a plump waist. a soft, big stomach, with fat rolls, and big thighs, and fat underneath your chin and chubby cheeks and thick fingers. Growing up like that made you a target for a lot of people, not even just other kids, but adults. Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, doctors, people in the street. You were constantly told that being big wasn’t good enough, that you needed to lose weight because losing weight would solve the problem. Your body being the problem. Losing weight would make you pretty, worthy, deserving of respect and of love. While you knew that to be false, those feelings of insecurity and discomfort within your own body do not go over night. You are left with them as you try to jump those hurdles to becoming accepting of it and comfortable within it. 

Eggsy had known from the beginning of your relationship that you weren’t completely comfortable with your body or your weight. It was in the way you deflected compliments and shied away from physical affection. The look of discomfort around strangers. All the little things. So it was the little things that he did to change that. 

It started with small reminders whenever he saw you, mixed with delicate and kind physical affections. 

You smiled shyly as you moved to meet Eggsy halfway as he turned the corner you’d been waiting for him on. He met you with a gentle hand to your waist, an area you were very aware of and a sweet kiss to your cheek. All very swift, but all reminding you that you were safe with him.

“Hello, beautiful, how was your day?” Just a passing compliment, not one you were supposed to respond to, but enough to make you stop and smile just a little more. 

“Really, really boring. Mr Matthews came in again and you know how he likes to complain about the slightest little thing.” Talking about the regular visitor to your place of work. 

Each time he saw you he’d call you beautiful, or pretty, or lovely. Each time he saw you he’d focus sweet and kind affection on areas he knew you were cautious of and each time it slowly started to work its way into your brain that at the very least Eggsy really did think you beautiful. 

It continued with boasting to his mates. He was never ashamed of you, not like some lads were.

“You wish you were as lucky as me, Jamal! You seen Y/N lately?” Eggsy pulls you into his side on the sofa as he takes the mick out of Jamal who’s rolling his eyes but smiling nonetheless.

“Yeah, well there is only one Y/N, can’t exactly get another one, mate!”  Ryan barks from the corner, beer in hand, joining in. Despite their appearances Jamal and Ryan were both very nice lads and they never made you feel unwelcome, which you were grateful for. They also always seemed to join in on Eggsy’s attempts to make you feel beautiful which was sweet. 

“Damn right, there’s only one.” Eggsy smiles at you, pressing a kiss to your temple before taking another swig from his beer and continuing with his ribbing. Nights like this were filled with laughter, but Eggsy always managed to include you, and he always managed to somehow boast about you. Proud to call you his. 

It continued on and on in many more ways, in the way he kissed you and pulled you into his lap not giving a damn that you were heavier than other people. 

“Come here” He reaches out his hands to your hips and carefully brings you to his lap, careful enough that you know you could break away at any moment. You know that’s been done on perfect. It’s the lack of care he has for the weight of you against his legs or the dip of your wide hips under his hands. It’s the gentle way he kisses you, a hand at the back of your neck to keep you as close as possible. It’s the way he sighs into your mouth that tells you this is it for him. This means as much to him as it does to you. It’s him that makes you completely forget about your body and just enjoy being there with him. 

He showed it in the way he’d brush his fingers against your cheek and gently lift your chin when you were too sad to look him in the eyes. In the way he convinced you to dance in the club even though you were self conscious of dancing, let alone dancing like that. It was in the way he held you tight at night and smoothed his hand over your rolls and gripped your hips. It was in the way he told you he loved you with shining eyes and a bright smile. In the way he tried to make you laugh. In the way he tried to protect you from everyone who might hurt you, quick with his words but even quicker with his fists. Everything Eggsy had ever done and would ever do reminded you that you were beautiful to him and that soon reminded you that you were just beautiful. Just worthy. Just good. Just wonderful. Not beautiful to only him. Not worthy to only him. But beautiful regardless. Worthy regardless. 

The little things wormed their way inside your head and heart and made a bigger impact than any big declaration ever could.

[incorrectqueereye]

Something Personal (and relatable) about Body Dysmorphia---a story about weight

So I've had a few asks recently that I haven't had the heart to answer about myself. They're usually centered around "what was your biggest struggle?" And every other concept surrounding that, re-worded a million ways. If any of you have been around long enough to remember my posts about this dress i wanted to wear months ago, you'll understand.

I have body dysmorphia. Yes, it is a thing, and no, it doesn't just mean I hate myself. I love my personality, I love my capacity for creativity and kindness. But having BD just means that I have a mental illness that causes an obsession with a physical flaw of mine. It's an extremely common disorder, especially in America. But here's my story about how it started, if you care enough to read it, but if not, just read the last paragraph to get the jist.

I was a very skinny child. Always pretty short, but no problems weight wise. It was in middle school that I began to suffer from clinically diagnosed anxiety. It was probably brought on by the changes I had made to my education that year, attending a school for kids in the public school system to take harder and accelerated classes for free. It was too much, I wasn't smart enough to understand anything and it overtook my life.

So I coped by eating. I don't know if it was directly linked to my mental disorder, but it was a coping mechanism. Mostly chips and popcorn, I just ate so much all the time. I began to gain weight rapidly, and I honestly didn't notice because I had never needed to think about what my stomach or arms looked like. But within weeks of starting my freshman year at high school, something vlicked, and I noticed EVERYTHING. Every little detail about what I looked like.

I stopped being able to wear whatever I thought was cute because it would showcase things that I thought (and still struggle with thinking) made me ugly. No more tight shirts, no sleeves, tight sleeves, shorts, skirts, or dresses.

I am not plus sized by nature. My jeans are either 12s or 14s and my shirts can even be mediums sometimes. The problem I found was one with myself. Because I had what I was toxicly convinced was "ugly fat". I am not curvy. I have belly fat, BACK fat (which distresses me more than most), upper arm fat, and the most upsetting, double chin fat.

Now I am not fatshaming anyone else who weighs any more or less than I do. Every girl's insecurities are valid, and every girl is allowed to celebrate or be uncomfortable with anything about themselves, the problems are really rooted in society.

Near the end of ninth grade I began to see a doctor about my weight. I don't think it was a good idea that he was a man, I don't think it was a good idea that the therapist who diagnosed me was a man either, but they were right. I was overweight, and I had body dysmorphia. I still do.

In public, having BD for me means that I can't have a normal conversation without it in the back of my mind. It's like a little voice critiquing me every second. "Sit taller, your stomach is folding over, keep that jacket on it covers your back, cross your arms to hide the chubbiness, tilt your chin up!!!" And these thoughts occur to me everyday. Even as I am writing this, I'm wearing a hoodie because I thought my T-shirt showed too much of my back. I'm alone right now!

My mother is not a help with BD. She outright insults my weight with "good intentions". The worst two times both happened while in department stores. One was before I was diagnosed, my mother suggested that I shouldn't buy a certain dress because it showed off my arms and I should "keep them covered, or at least lose weight first." The worst time was only a year ago, we were at a store with my brother and foreign exchange student and were looking at jeans in the junior section. They only went up to an 11 (they were in odd numbers) and here I needed a 13. So when quietly telling her I couldn't fit into these, she loudly says "if you lost some weight you might. You shouldnt be too fat for the teenager section!" That sticks with me.

This year, I've been in the best mood of my life since before my anxiety. I've finally met friends who have reminded me that they love me and don't care what I look like, along with still reminding me that my insecurities are still valid and shouldn't be brushed off. These reminders have been lifesavers that have encouraged me to start wearing things out of my comfort zone.

So yes, I still want to cry when I see a photo taken of me. Yes, I hate how I look, and yes I eat way too much all the time. But I am learning how to deal with that.

What I want you guys to take away from this is, whether you are flat-stomached or 1000 pounds, your insecurities and fears about your weight are valid. And if you have friends that fatshame you or invalidate your insecurities, they are toxic.

If you spend every second of the day over analyzing how you look to the point that you just want to cry when you see yourself, you may have BD and it is okay to ask your therapist or even a trusted adult or friend about it. And let them know what you are dealing with so they understand.

I have body dysmorphia. And it sucks. I am sitting in a room ALONE, jutting out my chin so I don't have a double chin. That's what I deal with and many other people, but it doesn't make me any less strong, and I am not defined by my weight. And if you have a parent who says things to you like what my mother did, then understand that they do not define you either and don't let them treat you like shit.

Oh and by the way, you're beautiful.

[fiti-vation]

Hi!! I have a few questions if you don't mind me asking. I was looking for chest exercises. I have a bigger bust than most that makes me feel uncomfortable and I thought if I worked out my upper body then it would be smaller and more defined. Does this even make sense? It that how it works? Basically my questions are if I work out my chest area, would my bust become smaller and more muscular? And if yes, then can you recommend some exercises for that specific area?

Hey girl,

Welcome to the big titties club 🙋🏾‍♀️. I feel your pain.

Your question makes complete sense; however, it is a very complex question. Obviously, I do not know what you look like physically, so I cannot give you a specific answer. Speaking from experience, it is possible to reduce the size of your breasts with exercise if you are overweight or obese, but if that’s not the case, that’s where things get complicated because if you have a normal weight for your height and age, it is obviously unnecessary to lose fat.

You may be able to make your breasts smaller with exercise, if you burn more calories than you consume each day. This is because the breasts are partially made up of fatty tissue. You can’t target your breasts for fat loss, though, as it is impossible to spot-reduce fat with exercise.

The scientific consensus among fitness experts and researchers is that spot reduction is a myth. Studies largely show that it is not possible to reduce fat in one area by exercising that body part alone. Instead, fat is lost from the entire body as a result of diet and regular exercise.

Spot reduction, the fallacy that fat can be targeted for reduction from a specific area of the body

Breast Composition

Women’s breasts are comprised of breast tissue – connective tissue and mammary glands – and fat (mostly of fat), so losing fat often means losing breast volume. But again, here if you have a normal weight, this does not really apply to you.To better illustrate what I’m trying to explain here, let’s take for example Amber Rose and Kate Upton.If we all remember, Amber Rose, who recently underwent breast reduction surgery, was slightly slender than she is now when she was dating Kanye a few years back. After their break up, her adipose mass slightly increased (nothing wrong with that - she looks terrific with her curvaceous figure), evidently her breast size changed.

As we can see from the pictures above, Amber had two options: she could have decreased a bit of her adipose tissue or gotten a breast reduction – she opted for the latter (nothing wrong with that, to each his own).

Now on to Kate Upton. As we can see from the images below Kate Upton is clearly on the busty side. That said, Kate seems to have a recommended weight for her height and age, she doesn’t need to lose any body fat at all. If a woman of similar body type wants to reduce the size of her breasts - her main option would be breast reduction surgery.

Recommendations

Note that these are my recommendation from personal experience – it is always a good thing to seek medical guidance though.

As stated earlier, if you are overweight or obese, I would personally recommend improving your health before choosing to go under the knife. That said, in the end, the final decision will be yours. As someone who used to be obese, reducing my body fat and increasing my muscle mass helped me tremendously. I still have a bigger breast than most women, but I’m more comfortable than before with my current breast size. Here are some before and after pictures of me.

If you have a similar body type to Amber Rose, I personally would recommend reducing your body fat, before going under the knife if that is something you’re contemplating.

Regular exercise can help shed chest fat and strengthen the muscles underneath the breasts to reduce their size. Because the breasts contain a portion of fat, focusing on cardio and high-intensity exercises can help shed weight faster and target problem areas. Aerobic exercises — such as stair climbing, cycling, and power walking — can speed up your metabolism and help you lose all-around body fat.

Moderate- to high-intensity aerobic exercises – such as running, cycling, swimming, rowing, stair climbing, dancing and skating – burn fat. By doing these kinds of exercises at least five times a week for 30 minutes and decreasing your calorie intake, you can create a caloric deficit to lose fat from the body, including your breasts.

Strength training exercises like pushups can also tone the chest and change the appearance of breasts. Pushups can tighten and tone the chest muscles to reduce the overall size of the breast. However, strength training and targeted exercises alone won’t reduce breast size. Without cardio or a full body workout, some exercises can make the breasts appear larger.

Keep in mind that your diet is also important. What you eat plays a part in the amount of fat you store in your body. Overall body fat can contribute to breast size. Lean meats, fish, fruits, and vegetables are foods that help to burn fat outside of your regular workout.

If you have a similar body type to Kate Upton, as mentioned above fat loss isn’t an option because you most likely risk to be underweight. Being underweight can represent as many health concerns to an individual as being overweight can.

You could definitely incorporate some strength training into your routine, but again here strength training and targeted exercises alone won’t reduce breast size. Strength training and targeted exercises may give your breasts a lift, but it won’t make them “smaller”.

Since strength training and targeted exercises will only tone and lift your breast, but not smaller, you may want to speak to your doctor and see what type of breast reduction operation is best for you.

If you live in Canada, most provinces cover half or all of the costs of surgery, of course for medical reasons (not cosmetic). If the size of your breast hurts your back, neck and shoulders to the point where it becomes debilitating, and you aren’t overweight or obese, a doctor will likely recommend a breast reduction. In the province that I live in (Quebec), the Régie de l'assurance maladie (Health insurance) covers this type of surgery if proven medically necessary, in this case, causing a functional disorder. If you live in another province, you may have to contact your Ministry of Health, I don’t know the regulations in other provinces and territories.If you live in another country, you will also need to do some research to determine the medical coverage regulations for breast reduction surgery for medical purposes.

I hope this was somewhat helpful.

Best of luck.Stephanie 🤗

P.S. sorry for the late reply

[dontbeshytoaskforhelp]

i’m starting to feel insecure about my physical appearance for the first time and idk what to do

We all get to a point in our lives where this happens. Even the girls and guys you may perceive to be perfect, have flaws. Not just flaws that others can see, but ones only they are fretting about. The “hottest girl in school” could go home and stare at her thigh in shame, feeling as though they’re too fat. Or the “hottest guy at work” may hate looking at himself in the mirror because he hates his nose and thinks his teeth aren’t white enough. So when it comes to this, you are far from alone. 

I pride myself on being very confident and having high self esteem - which confidence and self esteem are not the same thing. However I know that I have physical flaws, along with mental and emotional ones as well. But speaking solely on physical flaws, I don’t let them bring me down for a few reasons. 

Number one; I remind myself that everyone else has physical flaws too and so it’s completely normal. Number two; I remind myself that, yes, I have flaws, but I also have a lot of strong points as well. So while my flaws might make me uncomfortable at times and in certain scenarios, my strong points shine through in many more. So I try my hardest to forget what I hate about myself and instead focus on the things that I love about myself.Number three; most physical flaws can be worked on, improved and even completely changed/fixed. 

For number three, to show you what I mean, I’ll list the things I don’t like about myself physically and what I’m doing to work on them. It’s what is written is italic, so if you don’t want to read all that, just skip back to where it’s normal text again.

I’m thin, but my stomach is a bit overweight from pregnancy and that bothers me a lot because I used to have a flat stomach. So the small stomach bulge I’ve got is definitely the one thing I hate the most about myself, and I even went out and bought one piece bathing suits because I can’t get myself to wear two piece. In the beginning it was so bad, I would hide my stomach under a shirt or blanket during sex. I sometimes still get awkward in front of my husband with my stomach and will often cover it with my hand/arm during sex, and I VERY rarely walk around shirtless now. But I’m trying to get over it because he tells me he loves me regardless and still finds me sexy and beautiful - so that does help. But it doesn’t fix it 100%. So what I’m doing is I’m working out. It won’t fix my stomach 100% or put it back to how it once was, because after two births, my belly button area is stretched and would require surgery to fix. Maybe one day I’ll do that but I genuinely believe if I get my stomach back to being flat, I can over look that because it’s just a part of womanhood and any self respecting woman who may notice that on me, would know and respect that.

So for my stomach having a bulge - I’m working out to fix it.

I have bags under my eyes because of a sleeping disorder, so I have a rough time sleeping and usually only sleep 2-3 hours at a time before waking up for 30 minutes, repeating, etc., and often getting bad sleep when I am sleeping due to near constant nightmares.To help with that I’m using solutions to put under my eyes, lotions for my skin, etc. to improve my skin’s health.

I get A LOT of compliments on my legs. I’m pretty small all around (minus the small bulge in my stomach) and I’ve got a really big perky butt. Especially for how thin my waist is. I literally have had black girls tell me I have a black girl booty hahaha I love that about myself, and although many say they also adore my legs, I don’t. Just because someone else loves something about you, doesn’t mean you’ll love it too, right? So for me, my legs need to be toned up more. Again, I’m working out.

Then I hate my hair being so frizzy and hate that I had to cut it short. While I COULD buy extensions, they’re expensive, especially since I’m a natural red head and so to match the extensions I would have to also get my hair dyed ombre. It’s just too much money, so I instead am trying different shampoos to find out that gets rid of the frizz, taking better care of it, brushing it more often, and just waiting for it to grow (impatiently haha).

Lastly, my teeth. I just have bad genetics with my teeth so despite everything they’re pretty yellow. It’s one of those things where despite brushing and all that, they just wouldn’t stay white. So I use in home teeth whiteners,  brush twice daily, use mouth wash and floss once per day. It has helped  A LOT. They’ll ALWAYS be yellowish, but at least they aren’t as yellow as they once were. Once I get a second job I plan to have them bleached every 3 months professionally.

So, most flaws can be fixed (at least to some extent). As I’m sure you noticed with some of my flaws, there isn’t anything that can completely fix what I don’t like about myself. I can only fix it to an extent and from there the rest is just mental. I have to remind myself that flaws are okay, that others have them too, and that I have so much to be happy about and love about myself that a few minor things that can’t be completely changed shouldn’t be enough to bring me down.

Also, if a girl, makeup was a life saver for me when I lost my self esteem for a while. Once I got good at it, it really did help me with my self esteem issues. Now I can even go out to stores and run errands or relax in the house without makeup on. I don’t need my makeup done to take pictures every time either. While I always wear makeup when going to work or out with friends and in most of my photos, it isn’t something that I require at all times like I used to. I used it to help me gain my confidence back and once I had it, I’ve been able to be confident without it too. I just wear it when going out because I genuinely enjoy doing my makeup. But if I was told I couldn’t wear it for a week and had to go places without it, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Last thing I want to say, just because you may not be completely comfortable with your appearance (and I truly believe no one is), know that there are plenty of people out there that find you cute, sexy, beautiful, attractive, etc. It may not seem like it, but there are billions of people with billions of preferences. You definitely match for what MANY people find to be cute/etc.

[moved-to-femmesun-blog]

all the lgbt asks :+)

fuck you.

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?transmasc (technically genderfluid but i’m very much transmasc) + he/him and ae/aem/aer

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?idk. i just never rlly liked girls. didn’t really care much for dating at all but i was def more attracted to guys, and so i ID’d as mlm for most of middle school to high school. now i lean more towards bi - and ID as bi - but i still use mlm for myself.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?hahah yeah. even when i was going by “Benjamin” back in high school i was constantly misgendered. i just dealt with it. was too much of a pushover to say anything so i just ignored it kdnsknaksnd

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?some guy i was friends with that who obviously liked me. he took it pretty well, told me to tell my friend if i really wanted.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?i was impulsive and so i just. did it. i don’t really remember much about it - it didn’t feel that significant to me because i was SO disconnected from gender and identity, and i also just don’t remember small details well.

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?parents just. took it well ig. made an effort to use the name i wanted, were supportive enough. mum’s done more research than my step dad has - he thinks he can say the q slur lol - and was there along side me for a lot of my transition progress, but overall they’ve both been okay. at least with the binary stuff. i’m not open to them about my sexuality or the indepth details of my identity, aka my new pronouns and name - so it kinda sucks - but overall it was pretty good. friends were okay about it, had a few name hiccups with them using “em” for me instead of emmett (which i was going as at the time) but *shrug*

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?no one ever asks me shit KDNSKNDkdn and tbh i don’t think anything would bother me? unless the person is being an asshole about it, i’m really open to answering questions.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.i don’t really know what Style i have but like, lately i’ve gone back to just wearings leggings, big jackets, and then tank tops/my croptop. i used to be rlly rlly anal about like, Presenting As Male, and tbh i was really uncomfortable during that time. being overweight, i just felt ugly and gross and clunky. and so i’m glad i’ve gone back to wearing more fem stuff bc like. it fits me better, i love and feel better, and i have more options.

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?uhhh for bnha i’d say my faves right now are: bakukami/bakukirikami, kamisero, todoiida, iiseroyama, and then minamomojirou.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?i’ve never been one to wear make up. the furthest i ever went was using BB cream and then nail polish, and i haven’t used BB cream in years. i own One bottle of nail polish now and it’s this clear stuff with gold glitter chunks in it.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?not... really? i USED to big time. but now i’ve just mellowed out since shifting towards nonbinary/genderfluid and stuff. back when i was Set on being “100% FTM” i was super dysphoric. i just hated hearing she/her pronouns, and that’s really the only time i get dysphoric now - and when people call me a girl, but y’know dknskndd - and so... most of the time i’m good. i’m on T (have been for 2 years, though i havent been taking it lately due to complications with my endo clinic - and i’m almost a year and a half past getting top surgery - which im happy w/ bc i had a huge chest, though i do sometimes miss my boobs - and so i’m pretty good!

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?there are SO many dumb things i’ve heard over the years of being on tumblr/online/at public high school, so i don’t know how to give this just ONE answer dknsandnknds

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?the “i can’t read/drive/do math” jokes bc i’m gay

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?i could say a lot of things here but i do NOT wanna risk starting any shit so KDNSKNDSKND

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?i’ve been to pride as part of my school’s team for the parade once! i haven’t gone since just bc i don’t really have anyone in my city i’d like to go with

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?i’m REALLY disconnected from celebrities... i really can’t answer thiskNDksnd

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?a bunch! currently i have two boyfriends and i met both of them through bnha discord servers - specifically rp servers KDNSKDNSKNd

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?i can’t read! (i genuinely can’t remember the names of any gay books i’ve read so SOBS)

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?yup! i’ve been called slurs in public, had people obviously try and figure out my gender - fun fact: one time a guy very obvious leaned over at me as i passed by to try and look down my sweater to check my chest B) - uhhh misgendering on purpose. nothing physical yet thankfully, but y’know.

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?i am LOVING carole and tuesday rn im ngl KDNSKND

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?all my mutuals ;)

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?q slur, that’s all i can claim KDNSkdn  i’ll use it when i know the people around me are comfortable seeing/hearing it but otherwise i just keep it to “q slur”

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?nope. almost did once - this dude in my city wanted to take me, and at the time we were friends and i had a crush on him, and we would’ve had a uh. fling. if we’d gone - but never did end up going. shit happens KDNSKND

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?idk i’m just like. i’m a dude - i’m NOT a girl, 100% not a girl - but at the same time, i’m not a dude? i’m not agender but it’s like... i’m just SO disconnected from the idea of having a gender but i’m super comfortable ID’ing as a guy because i find comfort it in (and in being able to say things like Yeah I’m Transmac and Yeah I’m MLM) but really it’s just. a big blur. i shift between being a Dude and then being Kind Of A Dude and then Not Being Anything and then Being ???   so yeah kdsnkdn

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?nope. trauma fucked me up and i don’t wanna ever risk putting a child through anything. i wouldn’t be able to handle parenting a child. if ANYTHING i’d adopt an older kid, early/late teens, but idk.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?you don’t have to MAKE sure every one knows you’re a Dude. you don’t HAVE to pass at male. you feel so much more uncomfortable when you confuse people about your gender, when you wear want you want and what you feel comfortable wearing. you’re gonna hate looking back on yourself in a couple years because you’ll realize just how caught up you got in toxic masculinity, but it gets better. you get more comfortable being You and doing what You Want, and you’ll find people who accept that more than your current friends ever could. it gets better. you get better.

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?*throws them out the window* 

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?toxic masculinity is a BITCH and i wishhhh that i’d had more understanding friends. there’s something just so sad and... weird... about the idea of FORCING yourself to have to “pass” at all times - when “passing” is a dumb enough concept itself - but idk. i learnt a lot from it, even if it sucked.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?it really isn’t easy. every day you’re dealing with stuff, from yourself and from other people, so let us have our jokes. let us have our pride. let us be loud about who we are.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?cause it means i’m not cishet LOLif you read through all of this: why? why do that to yourselfkNDKSNd

[songsoomin]

Begin Again Part 2 (A,F)

Word count: Around 6k

Idol! Jongho x Fem Reader, Best friend! Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to a past relationship but Jongho will help her through it. First two chapters will be angst with some fluff but a little smut will appear in chapter 3.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. 

Author’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive. 

Part 1 Part 3

Posted 18th December 2020

@boss-baby-jongho​ Sorry it took so long

It had been a few months now since you and Jongho had been training together and you were much closer. You got on well with all the boys but Jongho was the closest to you now aside from Hongjoong. You still saw Hongjoong alone quite often - he would come over to your apartment and you'd watch movies and talk but you also spent plenty of time with all of them together.

This evening you had just come into the boys' dorm with Jongho after another gym session to the smell of cooking. You looked into the kitchen to find Seonghwa and Wooyoung cooking while Woo pestered the older boy like usual, telling him he was doing it all wrong. Hwa had his usual patient look on his face, completely used to Wooyoung's nonsense.

"Y/N!" Yunho called out in greeting . You could see he wanted to hug you like he usually would to others; he was such a warm, affectionate person but he knew it would make you uncomfortable. He settled for stroking your arm instead. You were getting much better at accepting physical affection from them these days. Hongjoong gave you your usual hug and Yunho looked sulkily at you.

"She'll get there, Yunho, just be patient. You'll get hugs soon." Hongjoong told the tall blue-haired boy and you had to laugh at how hopeful his face suddenly turned. You often referred to them as 'boys' but they were all grown men. You wouldn't think it sometimes, though, with how sulky they could get. Yunho and Mingi could appear intimidating with how big they were but really just loved cuddles, no matter who from. San loved his plushies and Woo was so playful and teasing that sometimes they seemed younger than they were. Hongjoong, Seonghwa and Yeosang seemed like the more mature of the group. Jongho was a bit of a mixture; he seemed mature despite being the youngest but he could be pouty sometimes. You were sure, however, that he just used that to get what he wanted. It usually worked, though, you could never deny him anything when he unleashed the full power of his pout.

Seonghwa had made tteokboki - your favourite - and you were all just eating and chatting happily but Mingi seemed quieter than usual and you could feel him watching you during dinner. The drinks had been flowing as none of you had to get up the next day and you felt comfortable enough now to ask him why on earth he'd been watching you so much.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't think you'd noticed."

"You weren't being that subtle, Mingi." You said, amused by his sheepish reply.

"I was just thinking...you always wear such baggy clothes but working out with Jongho must be working because they seem so much bigger on you now."

"You are looking smaller, Y/N." Hongjoong agreed.

"You think?" You asked, you had thought so but with wearing baggy clothes already it wasn't so easy to notice when they got baggier - at least to you...Mingi seemed to see it.

"Definitely." Jongho added, "There's no way my master-level instruction isn't working." You giggled while the others all groaned at his smug evaluation of his talents.

"Well, thanks, I guess...but why do you say so?" You asked Mingi uncertainly, naturally worrying it was something bad that caused him to bring it up. Did you still look that bad? You were hoping all your hard work would make you look better.

"There's nothing wrong if that's what you're comfortable in but I was just thinking it's a shame to hide all the hard work you've been doing."

"What do you mean?"

"Baggy clothes hide your real shape. Some people wear them because they are uncomfortable with their size but they tend to make a person look bigger than they are."

"Oh god, he's on about clothes again." Yeosang muttered.

Ignoring Yeosang's comment you felt your heart drop. Mingi could see exactly what you were doing and - worse - was calling you out on it in front of everyone. You looked down at your food not wanting to look anyone if them in the eye. You felt exposed having your size become the topic of discussion at the dinner table.

"You've made her feel bad, you moron!" Jongho said, glaring at Mingi.

"Calm down, Jongho, we all know you like - "

"Shut up!" Jongho warned, uncharacteristically ill-tempered.

"Well, as I was going to say...don't take it out on Mingi. You know he wouldn't have meant to upset Y/N."

"No! Of course not!" Mingi exclaimed, looking apologetic.

You were certainly confused. You'd never seen Jongho get worked up like that and couldn't see how it linked to what Mingi had said. Maybe what Yeosang was trying to say would've explained it but it was obviously something Jongho didn't want him to say.

"It's okay, Mingi. It's not your fault I'm so sensitive about it. Please continue with what you were saying."

"What I wanted to say is that you should let me take you out to get some clothes that would work much better on you." The brown-haired boy looked excited at the thought but to you even the thought was causing worry to rise in your chest.

"Oh, no. No. I'm no good at clothes shopping. Everything looks bad on me and I just end up crying."

"But..." Mingi continued, "I am very good at clothes shopping and I know exactly what will make you look good."

"You do?" You were still very uncertain about this but the alcohol was making you more suggestible.

"Excuse me? Have you ever seen me in a bad outfit?"

"Here it comes..." Mumbled Yeosang.

"I have never chosen a bad outfit in my whole life. I was born with amazing fashion sense." Mingi declared as the others all rolled their eyes at his overexaggerated claim.

"Uh...I don't know."

"Go on, Y/N... it'll be fun. As modest as he is..." Wooyoung stopped to shake his head at Mingi, "...he does actually know what he's doing when it comes to clothes."

"Okay. As long as I don't end up crying, though." You were already anxious and not really sure why you'd agreed to it.

"If you do it looks like Mingi will have Jongho to deal with." Wooyoung snorted.

In response Jongho stood quickly from the table and stalked down the hall to the room he shared with Mingi. You looked after him sadly. It was horrible seeing him upset. You had no idea what this was all about but it seemed like they were teasing him about something. You looked at the other boys with questioning eyes.

It was Seonghwa who answered your look, "Don't worry, Y/N. He'll be fine, he usually calms down quickly."

Later on when you and Hongjoong were alone in the kitchen doing the dishes you decided to ask your red-haired best friend about it.

"Joong?"

"Yeah?"

"What was Jongho so upset about?"

"Oh...uh...well, I probably shouldn't say anything...but I'm not sure if he ever will."

Hongjoong pondered his statement as he washed another plate. This was not clearing anything up at all.

"I'm not following."

"He likes you." Hongjoong said putting the plate on the drainer for you to dry up.

"I like him, too. He's really fun to be around."

"No, I mean he likes you." Hongjoong emphasised, looking you dead in the eye.

You were stunned. Why would Joongie think that?

"Don't be ridiculous." You scolded him lightly.

"I mean it!" He defended.

"It's not that. He's probably just feeling protective as we've got closer now. No one likes their friends being upset." You nodded to yourself at your more correct assessment of the situation. Anything else was simply unbelievable to you. No one ever thought of you like that. Least of all someone as perfect as Jongho.

                                                     ********

The next morning you woke up feeling just slightly hungover as you'd all continued drinking further into the evening. All except Jongho, of course. He didn't come back out and that really put a damper on your evening. However, you weren't feeling too bad until you remember that you'd agreed to let Mingi take you shopping. You groaned loudly and tried to work out how to get out of it before deciding you'd have to go because you really didn't like flaking out on people.

Noticing the time you quickly had breakfast and showered before dressing as you always did - baggy to hide your shape and size. You couldn't see how it was possible to look better in clothes that actually showed your figure but hoped Woo was right when he said Mingi knew his stuff when it came to clothes.

You were pretty much done when you heard a knock on your apartment door. You rushed over to open it and found Mingi on the other side, smiling brightly at you.

"Ready?" he asked, voice as deep as ever.

"No." Truthfully you were dreading it.

"Well we're still doing it so come on." Unceremoniously, he grabbed your wrist with his big hand and pulled you out the door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming..." You laughed, "Just let me lock my door before we go."

                                                  ********

"Y/N...are you ever going to come out?"

"I'm really not sure about this, Mingi."

You were standing in front of the full-length mirror in the changing room, uncomfortable with what was reflected back at you.

"I picked out the perfect outfits for you so I can't imagine what you're not sure of." The tall brunette said matter-of-factly.

"It's just so...tight."

"Exactly. It will show off your figure perfectly."

"Mingi!" You yelled as he suddenly whipped the dressing room curtain back.

"See? You look amazing."

You looked at him skeptically as he smiled widely, appreciating his work.

"You're lying."

Mingi's smile faded and he sighed. "Y/N, you're not seeing yourself clearly at all. You have a great figure...amazing curves." He added, looking you up and down.

"Mingi, are you checking me out?" You joked, "I'm going to have to watch you."

"What?" He said defensively, "You look good."

Embarrassment came over you as you were only joking so you didn't expect Mingi's response. He, however, was not embarrassed and continued on a little more seriously.

"I know you don't think so but it's true."

The change in atmosphere caught you off guard. You'd only ever seen Mingi in a playful mood so to see him turn serious and caring was different.

"Thank you, Mingi."

The brunette smiled in response and you could see that he meant it even if you had trouble believing it. You thanks were sincere, though, because, aside from Hongjoong, you weren't used to anyone offering praise to you.

"You definitely need to get this outfit. It's looks great and makes you look a lot smaller than those awful baggy clothes you wear. Next outfit!"

Mingi pulled the curtain shut while you reluctantly did as ordered and started changing in to the next set of clothes. In truth, though, part of you was excited and enjoying the shopping trip with Mingi. The confidence you once had was buried deep down but you knew it was still there and maybe this could help you find it again. You used to love all the attention you got from boys when you got dressed up and you wanted that feeling back. That was why you let Mingi talk you into getting all the clothes he'd picked out for you.

                                                   ********

A low whistle sounded as you entered the boys' dorm with Mingi pushing you through the door as you'd felt too nervous to go in looking so different to usual. You had tried to turn and run away but Mingi was too big and strong.

You were in the first outfit he'd picked out for you which was a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a top cut lower than you were used to but not too revealing. You weren't used to the way the clothes hugged your curves and felt self-conscious because you were so used to hiding underneath baggy clothes but you could see what Mingi had been trying to tell you. You did look a lot better in fitted clothes than the shapeless ones you usually wore. You looked like a girl again.

You looked up to see that the whistle had come from Wooyoung, who was now appreciating your newly revealed figure.

"It's really nice," the darker-haired male said, "...Mingi, you chose well."

"Don't I always?" Mingi said in response, clearly proud of his work.

Just as you were trying to extract yourself from this new attention a sharp slap on your behind made you gasp and spin around.

"San!" You shreiked at the blonde, who didn't look the least bit sorry.

"Looking good, Y/N."

You really should've scolded him for smacking you but he always looked so cheeky and cute you couldn't really bring yourself to.

"Thanks, San...but don't do that again."

"Why not? In those jeans it looks too good not to." He said, motioning to your bum with both hands.

"She's not a piece of meat, San." Jongho said, annoyance lacing his tone. "And you can't just touch someone like that without their permission."

You and San both turned, neither of you having noticed the youngest's silent entrance.

San looked at Jongho with one eyebrow raised as if he wanted to say something snarky but instead turned to you and said,

'We're friends...it's fine, isn't it Y/N?"

"It's fine but I meant it when I said don't do it again - it really hurt." You gave San a look so he would know you meant it but you really didn't mind that much. You appreciated the sentiment, just didn't like the pain.

Jongho, on the other hand, was not convinced. He looked at San for a moment longer, huffed unhappily, then left the room.

It made you a little unhappy to see Jongho like that. He'd been a little weird lately. Distant. When you were at the gym together he was just the same as always but around the other boys he wasn't the same. He seemed sulky and spent more time in his room. What really hurt most was that he didn't talk to you as much in front of the others.

It's true that with them there, there wasn't as much chance to talk together but after your coffee 'date' he had made more effort to be closer to you - so what had changed now?

Thinking back you remembered the others teasing him and Hongjoong saying  Jongho liked you. Could that be it? You didn't see how; what Hongjoong said couldn't have been true so you had just ignored it. At the gym it hadn't made it awkward between you but was that why Jongho was distancing himself around the others...to stop them from teasing him? Maybe you could try talking to him; he had become a really good friend to you and you didn't want a simple misunderstanding to get in the way of that.

The chance to talk to Jongho didn't come that evening as he had come back out of his room to eat with everyone but there were so many of you that it was impossible to talk alone. You could have gone somewhere private to talk but you didn't want to give Yeosang and Wooyoung even more reason to tease him.

Although you were still worrying about Jongho, you still had a great evening. It had made you a little self-conscious but you had to admit that you liked  being told you looked good and feeling like your hard work was paying off.

Well...the evening was great until Mingi made a horrifying suggestion.

"Hey! Y/N has some really nice clothes now - courtesy of my incredible fashion sense, of course - so we should all go out and celebrate her hard work."

A communal groan was heard around the room at his less than modest statement but, for the most part, everyone agreed.

"What do you have in mind, Mingi?" Seonghwa enquired, ready to put a stop to any plans that sounded too crazy.

"Let's go to a club!" The excitement was clear on Mingi's face but anxiety was creeping on to yours.

"No." You said firmly as they all turned to you to see what you thought. "No clubs."

"What?

"Why not?"

San and Wooyoung complained in unison, obviously not happy with your opinion.

"Y/N..." Mingi looked at you with a pout, "we got you such nice clothes, why do you not want to show them off?"

You shifted on the couch, uncomfortably.

"It's nothing to do with the clothes...it's the people. Too many people. I just don't like clubs."

"Well," Hongjoong interjected, "strictly speaking it's not the clubs you dislike. I remember you used to love going out and dancing so if we chose a club that's less crowded then you should be okay."

You shot your supposed best friend a look of betrayal.

"Then we should do that!" Mingi cried, excitement flaring up again.

"Please Y/N?" San pouted at you.

"Don't worry about all the other people; we'll all be there to look after you."

Wooyoung added on and with all three of them looking at you with such hope, you found yourself giving in again.

"Fine...but I'm not going to enjoy it." You declared sulkily, slumping back into the couch cushions while the three boys cheered. You didn't miss Hongjoong quietly looking pleased with himself for his latest victory in 'getting you out there again'.

He was right, though you hated to admit it, you did used to love dancing but over the years your enjoyment of clubs diminished along with your confidence. Your dislike of them now was based on the assumption that people would judge you. Laugh at you for getting dressed up and trying to look nice when really you were just a fat mess. Laugh at you trying to dance. You had never been what anyone would call graceful - clumsiness and a poor sense of balance making that impossible. You didn't used to care about that but with no self-confidence you started to focus on every bad aspect of yourself.

While you were inside your own head worrying about all this, the others were busy making plans.

"Y/N!" Wooyoung called out, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"Sorry, what?"

"I said I know just the right club for you. It's got great music but it's a little more expensive so all the kids go elsewhere. It's never uncomfortably packed and doesn't get as rowdy."

You nodded and smiled but it had done little to relax you. Honestly you missed the old days you used to go out dancing confidently. When you looked in the mirror and thought you looked nice and didn't worry about if other people agreed or not. Now that you'd agreed, all you could do was make the best of it. You knew the eight boys would look after you and you'd never not enjoyed a night with them. Maybe it would be fun.

                                                     ********

Club night came and you were feeling strangely calm about it. A little nervous but mostly excited to spend another night with the best eight friends you'd ever had.

They had all arrived at your apartment unannounced - Mingi citing his concerns about what clothes you would chose, as if only he knew how to put an outfit together. He said he'd have to approve your outfit before he could let you out; you merely answered him with a roll of your eyes and let him get on with it.

Rather than falling back into your old habit of hiding yourself in baggy clothes, you had actually decided to go for it in terms of dressing up - after all, if you were going out, you might as well make the effort. It had also occurred to you that maybe people were more likely to look at you if you looked out of place, one person in shapeless, baggy clothes in a whole club full of well-dressed people.

Mingi looked you up and down, appraising your outfit. You had chosen a short(ish) black skirt and a sparkly top which showed a nice amount of cleavage but not too much. You'd even broken out your push-up bra for added effect. The outfit was finished with a pair of black heels because if there was one thing you knew, it was that heels made your legs look slimmer. You'd even done the kind of make up you used to with eyeliner and subtle false eyelashes. Why not go all out? you thought; you'd forgotten how nice it felt to get dressed up.

Mingi smiled and gave you the nod so you were good to go. Hongjoong, knowing you would be nervous, made sure to tell you how good he thought you looked and the others all agreed in their own ways. Seonghwa, Yunho and Yeosang nodding in quiet agreement while Mingi, San and Wooyoung  were more vocal about it. The only one who didn't say anything was Jongho - publicly, at least. It was only when the others were out of earshot that he quietly came closer,

"You look really nice tonight."

The blonde boy you'd grown so close to looked quite awkward but you still assumed it was because he didn't want the other boys to tease him again. Why else would he wait until the others couldn't hear him.

"Thank you, Jongho." You replied, feeling as awkward as he looked. "You look really good, yourself."

You looked at Jongho, dressed in black jeans and a dark blue button up shirt with his dark blonde hair parted to show his forehead, making his beautiful dark eyes looking bigger than usual because they were more on show. He looked amazing. He was so handsome it almost hurt.

You felt more awkward with Jongho's compliment...maybe because it meant more to you. You'd had a sneaking suspicion for the last few weeks that you were starting to like him as more than a friend but you'd tried to ignore it because you couldn't imagine it going anywhere. You'd witnessed him get angry when the others teased him about liking you and the only logical reason for that was that the thought of liking you was an unwelcome one.

It was true that Joong had said Jongho liked you but you were sure he was mistaken because of the distance he was keeping from you as well as his general moodiness recently. None of it mattered anyway because, as far as you could see, there was such a vast difference between Jongho and yourself that he couldn't possibly like you.

At best you were ordinary, nothing special at all but Jongho...he was ethereal. His smile was so cute that you couldn't help but smile back when you saw it and his eyes shone so brightly. Yet despite the cuteness he still had a maturity some of the older boys didn't. He was so strong, too and, to be honest, you found that really, really hot.

It wasn't just how he looked, though, Jongho was a wonderful person. He was clever and funny and he'd given you so much help and asked nothing in return. What would someone like that want with someone like you?

                                                 ********

Clubs were as hot, sweaty and loud as you remembered. It had been some time since you'd gone to one - preferring to hide away  at home than go out and be surrounded by people. That's depression's survival instinct...to cut you off from the world so you won't seek help. To keep you away from friends who could help you. Thank goodness for Hongjoong because he wasn't letting you get away with that and without him you'd still be hiding away. Miserable. Clubs might not be the most comfortable place for you due to the overcrowding but you knew that you'd be ok with Hongjoong by your side - as well as the other seven boys you'd now come to think of as 'yours'.

Maybe it was the fun of being out with them all but you'd found it easier than you'd thought to relax and enjoy yourself. You'd even managed to keep away from thoughts that anyone looking at you was judging you...until you noticed a guy at the bar had been looking for a bit too long. You were waiting for the bartender to get your drink and hoping he would do it more quickly so you could get back to the others but luck was not on your side and the guy started to approach.

"Hi."

You looked at the guy for a second. Tall, fairly good looking and he seemed friendly from his tone as he greeted you but you felt a little panicked, nonetheless.

"Umm...Hi." You managed nervously.

He smiled, "You looked really good dancing just now."

You waited for the smirk or laugh to reveal he was being sarcastic but it didn't come. You hadn't yet got to a place where you trusted people meant what they said but when nothing else was said and he appeared to have meant it you quickly thanked him. You'd left a longer gap than was normal before replying and now your worry was that he thought you were slow-witted.

"Are you with all those guys over there?"

"Yeah...they're my friends." You told him, glancing over and smiling.

"You're not going out with any of them?" He pressed on.

"No, we're just friends." You said, shaking your head.

"Ah. Well one of them is really glaring at me right now. I'd say he doesn't like me talking to you."

You looked in the same direction as the guy and, sure enough, saw Jongho looking very much less than friendly.

"Oh, we're quite close so he's probably just worrying about me. You are a stranger, after all." An awkward laugh left you - small talk was not your forte.

The man smiled back and looked about to say something more but the bartender finally returned with your drink.

"Well, it was nice meeting you." You said as you started backing away. You really wanted to be back with your boys; you were still far too socially inept to be in this kind of situation without back up.

"What did that guy want?" Jongho demanded as soon as you were back.

"Dunno...just being friendly, I guess."

The dark blonde scoffed while San jumped in to tease, "Ooh, Y/N's on the pull!"

"Don't be ridiculous, San!" You squealed in horror.

"I'm just saying..." the blonde continued, "...guys don't approach women in clubs because they want to be 'friends'." He emphasised that last word so you'd have no problem undersanding what he meant.

"I'm getting another drink." Jongho grunted before stalking off in the direction of the bar. You sighed. He still didn't seem himself.

"I'm sure he was just being nice." You said naively. It wasn't that you didn't know what men were usually after in clubs but you honestly didn't imagine anyone wanting that from you.

"Suuure he was." A deep voice cut in.

"Don't you start, Mingi!" Your new fashion adviser laughed as you scolded him. "All of you manage to be friends with me without wanting anything more so why can't he?"

Smiling smugly, you felt you'd won the argument until the tall brunette leaned in closer,

"We're all still men, though. I might be your friend but if you asked, I'd fuck you right now and I'm pretty sure one or two of the other guys would, too."

The only way to describe the look on your face was dumbfounded. That was absolutely not something you would've expected to hear from any of them.

"Whatever, I'm going to dance again."

It can't have been possible for you to look any more flustered as you headed back to the others on the dance floor, with Mingi's deep chuckle following behing you.

As the night wore on you really were enjoying yourself much more than you expected but that could have a lot to do with the amount of alcohol you had consumed so far. You were even relaxed to the point that you didn't notice the guy from the bar dancing next to you, getting closer and closer. Soon he was dancing with you but you didn't mind too much as long as he didn't start getting touchy. The attention was nice, at least. You vaguely thought back to what San had said and sighed internally because you didn't want him to have been right but you had to acknowledge it now. Maybe between Jongho's training and Mingi's outfits, they really had managed to make you look alright.

But men were disappointingly typical and, not long after getting close, the guy started to get handsy. You barely had time to turn around and tell him to stop before you felt his hands disappear suddenly. When you had turned you saw said man looking confused - and slightly pained - as one of his wrists was being held aloft by a very pissed off looking Jongho.

The guy looked at Jongho cautiously before saying, "Hey, I'm sorry man...I didn't realise she was your girl."

You could see why the guy was looking worried - Jongho looked pretty scary and you wondered just how tightly he was gripping the man's wrist.

Jongho let go but didn't stop glaring and the man backed away a little.

"She's not but don't you think you should still ask her before you start feeling her up?"

"Sorry...I didn't mean any harm." The guy answered, looking between Jongho's hard face and your quite confused one before walking away quickly. You turned back to Jongho; you really appreciated him looking out for you but couldn't understand why he was so angry.

"Jongho...what -"

"You shouldn't let random guys touch you like that, Y/N!"

You stared at him for a few seconds, a bit stunned until his sharp tone set off your own anger at being chided like that.

"I was turning around to stop him but, to be honest, it's not really any of your business who I let touch me!"

Jongho's eyes widened a little, taken aback by your reaction. You'd always had a temper but none of the boys except Hongjoong had ever seen you get angry. They only knew your milder, more timid side and the quickness in which you turned had taken them all by surprise. In your peripheral vision you could see the rest of them watching the exchange between the two of you.

The dark blonde collected himself and continued with a slightly less angry tone.

"These guys aren't good enough for you. It's just like San said, they only want one thing."

From the corner of your eye you saw San bristle slightly as if he really didn't want to be brought into this now.

"That's my decision to make, though, isn't it Jongho?" You hadn't softened much towards him - now you were free you didn't need another man telling you what to do.

"I know, I'm sorry..." He continued, more softly now, "...but you shouldn't be with guys like that."

"And you know exactly who I should be with?" You asked, sarcasm in your tone. "By all means tell me because I can't see men lining up to date me."

"Me."

"What?"

"You should be with me. I really like you, Y/N."

You stood in silence, trying to make sense of what he just said. Your mind recalled all the things you had previously dismissed as nonsense. Hongjoong telling you outright that Jongho liked you. Yeosang and Wooyoung teasing him about you. Had it not just been baseless teasing? He actually liked you?

Of course he doesn't like you. Who would want you?

"You don't like me." You said shaking your head. You didn't want to believe it because you couldn't trust it.

"I do. Let me show you." Jongho took a step closer and out of habit you fliched away from the closeness.

"What are you doing?" Slight alarm laced your tone.

"I'm going to kiss you." His tone added the silent 'of course'.

You froze at the words and Jongho noticed. It was out of surprise but he must've thought you didn't want him to as he started to look unsure of himself.

"If you don't want me to, all you have to do is say."

He paused, waiting for a 'no' that was never going to come. As much as you feared this was all some elaborate joke, you really did want this.

Hearing no protests, Jongho lifted his hands and placed them gently on the sides of your neck, his thumbs resting on your cheeks. Slowly he leaned down and pulled you closer. As you closed your eyes you prayed this was real and you weren't going to hear them all burst into laughter at any minute but before your fears could be realised, you felt Jongho's lips touch yours.

They were softer than you had imagined - and you had imagined it - and for someone so strong, he was remarkably gently. You could feel that he was being cautious as he didn't try to deepen the kiss, he just pulled back ever so slightly then reconnected, his lips moving softly against yours. When he did pull back to end the kiss, you kept your eyes closed a moment longer, not wanting it to end.

When you did open them you looked up at Jongho to find him looking back at you. He was searching your face for any sign that that wasn't what you had wanted and after a few moments  he was satisfied he could see nothing and gave you a small, somewhat shy smile. Obviously having heard something behind him over the music, his smile disappeared and was replaced by a look of annoyance. Following where he looked you saw the seven other boys all looking at the two of you with varied emotions on their faces, ranging fron happiness and surprise to approval. They had all known he liked you while you had stubbornly refused to see it - even when you were told outright.

Jongho turned back to you with a softer look, "You wanna go somewhere quieter - away from everyone else?"

"Yeah...that'd be nice."

Jongho took your hand in his larger one and led you out of the club. He had touched you before, of course, but only when correcting your stance during workouts. This felt different. It made your heard beat faster and gave you butterflies..

You briefly looked behind you to the others, noting that they looked slightly disappointed that you were both going but they'd get over it.

You and Jongho ended up back in the same coffee shop that first time. It was late, though, so you had the whole place to yourselves. Despite that being the first time you had properly talked alone with him, this was much more nerve-wracking. This wasn't a situation you'd have thought would ever happen. Despite what had just happened in the club you still couldn't let go of your fear. It was as instinctive reaction for you now, to just assume the worst about everything and everybody no matter how good they seemed to be. Just like right now you were quite aware that the both of you had been drinking - had that played a part for him? Would he have kissed you if he hadn't been? And would he think it was a mistake tomorrow?

The butterflies flew around wildly as the dark blonde boy made his way back to the table with the drinks. As he placed the tray down on the table you saw he had also bought a slice of red velvet cake like last time and he smiled as he placed it down. You wondered if he was trying to recreate it that first 'date' of sorts. It had felt special to you - maybe he had felt the same.

Your thoughts were flying as wildly as the butterflies in your stomach, going from hopeful that Jongho really did like you to fear that he was going to say it was just because he had been drinking and he'd got carried away.

Sitting there you'd realised the full extent of your feelings for Jongho...did he feel the same? The look in his eyes was soft as he looked at you and smiled. God, you hoped this meant what you wanted it to. Either way, it looked like you were about to find out as he opened his mouth to speak...

[geminimoonbeamx]

Retrograde: Part Two

A/N: Okay, y'all- here it is. My installation of 'Retrograde', a story I'm writing with one of my closest friends peacefulwriter88. I will be writing mostly for Beth Buckley- I hope you guys like her

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: As with all of my stories, there's a permanent warning of Cursing. I have a mouth like a sailor, and I express myself through the word Fuck.

Summary: After the initial meeting or the reader at the Gala, Beth reflects on her past.

As per usual, the gala had seemed to drain Beth of all the energy she had. Left her feeling shell-like, had her all but dragging her self up to the ritzy hotel room she was currently inhabiting during her stay in New York. One that she was hoping would be brief, not that she liked spending a prolonged amount of time anywhere these days-she thanked fuck, frequently, that she had a career that kept her up in the air, but New York City?

Yeah, she was always anxious to put these city lights in her rear view. Wanted to put as much distance as possible between herself and these people...

Except Y/N, Beth thinks as she wipes off the layers of makeup off of her face. As she declutters herself of the "costume" she was used to donning at these parties. The ones that she had been forced to attend since before she could remember. Hair pins sticking uncomfortably against her skull and the pinch of designer heels on her feet were like second nature to her.

But finding someone that she could actually communicate to? That held her interest, who wanted to talk about something other then how expensive the wine they were drinking was. Someone who didn't small talk about the charity that they were donating thousands of dollars to, the same one they only knew two facts or so about... now that was a rarity.

As Beth collapses into the large, plush bed with plop. She stares at the ceiling. Zoning, allowing her mind to wander, to chase memories that she usually kept under lock and key. Ones filled with icy blue eyes and promises of a future that never came-

The night Beth met him, Carter Baizen-

The dull thump of pain that came from her chest, while painful, at least didn't make her physically flinch anymore.

-had gone something like tonight. A big, crowded party and a pretty dress.

And a boy who had turned her inside out.

It had been a musky June evening, the Texas heat unforgiving as ever and Beth had been cursing what ever non-native had planned the event as an outdoor excursion. The pale pink dress Beth had dawned for the night didn't breathe at all and she was sweating so much her hair had started to curl at the root. She made her rounds, dutifully, though. Kept a beaming smile on her face, forced awkward conversation through her teeth. The gossip flowing through her ears and sticking somewhere dark in her brain. She hated to admit it, but even she wasn't strong enough to resist the pull of juicy gossip.

She managed to make it through multiple rounds of drunk racists pretending that they gave a shit about kids before peeling herself away from the crowds and find a quiet corner where she could dissociate in peace.

Beth missed Bree, and she couldn't help but sulk as she sipped on the fizzy champagne. She still wasn't used to flying solo at these things- and as she stared at the thousand thread count dinner cloth, she thought of her cousin. What was she doing? Where was she- Bree had sent a few postcards here and there but in reality, the line of communication was all but dead between the two.

Beth didn't blame Bree for being pissed at her- if anything she was grudging through some serious self hate with the whole thing.

If only she wasn't such a pussy, if only she was as brave as Bree; she'd be touring around Europe too.

She was so wrapped up in herself that she almost didn't notice his approach. Him, in that dark suit, the one that's at fit him like a glove. The first couple buttons of his button down popped, leaving him with that casual aesthetic that he'd perfected over the years. Her eyes had trailed up his form, until moss green clashed with gun metal.

In retrospect, she thinks from that very first look- from the moment that they're eyes met, she'd been hooked. It's cliché and it nearly makes her gag now, but the way Carter had looked at her...like he'd actually seen her, in the haze of socialites and politicians.

Elisabeth Buckley had gone nineteen years being invisible- she was a good looking girl, but she was "big", round, plump. Overweight, so people overlooked her. She was smart, but not brilliant like her older brother. She wasn't business savvy like her many cousins and she wasn't charming like Beth. She was the plain Buckley cousin- they one who somehow managed to be boring, even though her very conception had been a scandal.

No one paid any attention to her, not really. And she had grown to be okay with that, flying under the radar was safe. It was comfortable.

But he smiled like sunshine- and flowers didn't bloom in the shade.

"You hiding out back here?" Carter had grinned and Beth had choked on the words, they got stuck in her throat in a way that left her flustered and feeling stupid. For Christ sake, she scolded herself.

"Um, kind of? I like to drink in peace...I also like to be able to hear myself think, so there's that" Beth could have slapped herself- could've shaken herself for being so damn awkward all the time.

Carter didn't seem to be deterred.

He nods, that half smirk not leaving his face as he sipped on his own drink "Quality time with your thoughts is always important...would you mind if I sat with you for a while? I, too, enjoy being able to hear myself think while I drink"

Beth's head tilted to the side slightly, as though she was analyzing him. Her thick brows pulling together and her pout quirking. Carter couldn't help the way his curiosity peaked. He'd never seen a person be so...transparent before. All of her emotions shown through on her face, the honesty in her hazel eyes startled him.

It was endearing.

It took his eyes flashing to the chair, the blue orbs coaxing her.

"Of course. I mean it's not like I own the place" Another mental face palm and a chuckle from Carter, and he was sitting next to her. She thought he'd take the seat across the table, but instead he'd sluffed down next to her, he didn't fail to notice the way she curled into herself, seeming almost shocked that he'd want to be near her.

It confuses him, it's not like she's unfortunate looking, Yeah, she could lose a few pounds, but she has nice hair. And those big, doe like green eyes border on hypnotic. From what he could see peeking out of the bottom of her dress- her legs we're curvy, attractive...

"I'm Carter- Carter Baizen" he introduced himself smoothly, holding out his hand for her to shake. Of course she knew who he was- even if she hadn't grown up in New York- all the influential families knew about eachother. She thinks she remembers him from one of her families many beach houses, a childhood vacation long past...

"I'm Beth. Nice to meet you, Carter"

"The pleasures all mine" He'd charmed and Beth remembers just how...awe inducing he was. How beautiful. The way that she'd blushed so hard, her cheekbones almost matched her hair color.

But even from that first meeting, he could tell that he'd have to be gentle with her. She looked ready to bolt. To get up and run away from him, and if there was one thing he was good at(although he'd probably offer that there were many), it was the way he could read people. Dissect them to their core. He had a gift, a knack for being able to peel away layers. Of saying exactly what people needed to hear.

And Beth made it easy.

She wanted to talk, was dying to give her opinion to anyone who would bother to listen to her for more then five seconds. And surprisingly, for him, he actually agreed with most of them. He didn't expect to ever be sitting and debating about the religious war in Israel or renewable energy sources. Fuck he hadn't even expected her to really even know what UNICEF stood for.

She was a Buckley after all- and they weren't known for being so...knowledgeable.

They end up talking, about anything and everything. Drinking until she's far past tipsy and his face is so warm and his inhibitions loose.

"Come for a walk with me" he suggests, already standing up "it's too stuffy in here- I can't breathe with your uncles ego taking up all the air in the room"

At that, Beth had let out a peel of laughter. One of her uncles had just given a twenty minute speech on the podium at the head of the gazebo and she's grimaced through the entire thing. It had been painful to watch.

"I can't" Beth had giggled airly, shaking her head. Her main of hair around her shoulders bouncing with the movement.

"Why not, what's stopping you?" Carters brow raised in challenge and it had stirred something in the pit of her stomach. Some sleeping fire, a rebellious spark just waiting to be ignited.

It was uncomfortable.

Scary, and new.

Beth chewed her overly plump bottom lip for a second, her face clearly set in uncertainty. Her internal struggle pellucid.

Carter extended his hand out, opening his palm and offering it to her, the way you'd offer a cornered dog a treat. Everything in his body language unthreatening and open.

"C'mon, pretty girl. Let's get out of here"

Beth's face skews up, her eyes shutting as though it will block the memory of his voice, of that name. As though she can shove it back.

Down.

Down.

Down.

Put it back away, because she's never admit it to anyone, but even after almost a decade, memories of him still had the abality to level her. To sucker punch her with such force, it was almost hard to breathe.

She wonders, she hopes, that one day all the therapy and growth she's been through since the whole ordeal will desensitize her, that she'll be able to think of those pretty pink lips and the silken lies that had come out of them and feel nothing.

It takes a rummage through the mini fridge, two shooters of J. Wray and turning on the TV, drowning out the sound of her own intrusive mind with bad reality TV. If she was sober-er, and gave herself more credit, she'd be proud that that was all it took these days to recover from thoughts of he who shall not be named. At one point, she was sure she'd never recover...

But that was a long time ago, and honestly, thoughts of Carter Baizen these days were few and far between. It was being in this fucking city that made them attack- knowing that she was in his stomping ground put her on red alert.

Sure, Beth knew that he was on business leave. She always made sure to stay clear of him, made sure their paths would never cross. Chuck Bass, although the villain in many a story, was actually a decent human being to her and would give her the heads up more times then not. He'd been working with the Buckley's for years, a partnership that was lucrative and didn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

She liked him, he was a required taste- but she actually enjoyed his presence. His wife and her gaggle of friends, well now, that was another story.

Beth isn't a fan of Blair Waldorf, and she knows the feelings mutual. She thinks the woman's the wicked witch of the Upper East Side and needs a heavy dose of "get the fuck over yourself" and Blair thinks she's a hick- no matter how traveled and cultured she may be. They both stay civil, Blair for her husbands buisness endeavors and Beth because...well, to be quite frank, she doesn't give a damn.

She'd grown up around Blair's, spent her entire life around people like that and she knew that the world was full of good people who countered the evil, self entitled people that lived in cities like this.

And well, there were worse people then Blair. People like Serena Van Der Woodsen and her husband, it was laughable that the two though they were anywhere close to decent humans. People like Donald Trump, and Taylor Swift and Harvey Weinstien. Like the entirety Ku Klux Clan(she wonders if she has any family members who hide under white masks, and then wonders if they'd happily burn her at the stake for her mixed heritage) and the guy who wrote Gangnam Style because it had been stuck in her head for the past five years and she was sick of it.

There were people like Carter...

But the world always balanced itself out, Beth had come to learn. And for all that bad, there was good.

She'd met you. You, who walked with your head held high in a world that still confused her even though she'd grown up in it, but that you managed to navigate with ease. You, who'd allowed her to shade pour hiding space, who had played silly games with her and never once called her childish.

Beth couldn't help it, she was still struck by you. She hadn't expected you to be so...down to earth. So real and tangible and relatable. Legada, and the material that your mother had created were reshaping the the face of the fashion industry. You literally had an empire behind you- the fucking possibilities were endless. There was a good chance in the next twenty years you'd surpass most of the centuries old money families in New York, be up there with Chanel and Versace...

Beth sniggers, drunkenly. You'd be richer then her grandfather. Oh, how she wished she could see his face on that day.

She'd given you her phone number before she'd made her exit from the party- a bold move on Beth's part. She was still very much that introverted teenage girl at times and although being forward, putting herself out there was a part of her job, being a journalist and all, she still sometimes couldn't help the nervousness that bubbled in her gut.

She'd prepared herself for your rejection.

And yet, you'd smiled radiantly and asked her for her phone, programming your number under Y/N, and telling her to call you sometime.

"We have to hang out sometime soon- I can't even remember the last time I had a conversation that wasn't about work or shoes or fucking luncheons- not that I don't love my work, I very much do...but you know. Sometimes it's fun to imagine being in a forced situation and having to decide who you'd rather fuck to live" You'd told her sincerely and she did know.

What it was like to love your job, to love your charity work and your family...

But to feel lonely in this world, one that you seemingly genetically weren't designed for.

Beth had promised she'd text, that you'd get lunch while she was still in the city for the next few days. And Beth wasn't one for breaking promises.

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[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.