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[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

[morethannotenough]

Here we are

Well, I did it! I hit my goal, I got my money! I am (was) officially down 70 lbs from when I first started all of this! Yaaay! I feel you celebrating with me. That (was) must mean that I’ve lost even more since then! After all, my deadline was May 23rd, and that’s been two weeks ago!

To be honest, I don’t know where I stand on the scale right now. I haven’t been on it since my last weigh-in. I didn’t go down the right path to lose the weight and I picked up my binging right where I left off, literally minutes after that weigh-in. Now, I knew that was going to happen. I gave myself permission (and had encouragement from my dietitian, more on that later) to say “yes” to whatever I wanted after restricting and saying no to so many things for such a long time before that. My plan was to let myself have as much of whatever I wanted for the entirety of Memorial Day weekend. And I followed that plan to a “t”. (What does that phrase even mean?)

Then the Tuesday after Memorial Day weekend came. It was the first day that I had the house completely to myself while working from home and had no restrictions on my food. I decided to take that day as well and give myself permission to enjoy that solitude knowing that I would have indulged to the full extent this whole time if I hadn’t started working on the weight loss before the quarantine happened. I continued that on Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, and then it was the weekend again. And then it was a Monday, ugh. I needed some carbs to get me through a Monday.

You get the gist.

Something weird happened though. As much as I was enjoying being able to say “yes” to all of these foods... I kind of missed my workouts, and the feeling of accomplishment I had become so use to before. My gremlin had taken full control again and was making it difficult to say no to anything. Had it not been for the help I had in my corner, I have a feeling all 70 lbs I lost would have come right back by my birthday in August if not sooner.

I had a meeting with my therapist the week after I hit my goal. I told her about my dietitian, and she agreed it was a good idea to get that kind of help too. We’re going to start something called EDMR therapy next week. She said it has really helped a colleague of hers lose 60-70 lbs because it gets to the bottom of some of the negative self-beliefs you have and helps to eradicate them from what I understand. I’m very excited to try it. 

Then I had a meeting with my dietitian last week. I just love her, she gives me so much hope. I told her that I had extended my “yes” weekend, but was feeling ready to get back to something a little bit more structured. Not restrictive, structured. She said that was a great step even though I hadn’t actually taken it yet, and provided me with some loosely structured meal plan templates and some snack/meal ideas. We’re also going to start working on the foods/textures and I don’t like and see if we can expand my menu options a little bit. I’m equally excited and not excited about that part. lol

I do feel like this is progress. Before, after losing the weight, I would fall back into old habits and not care at all about going any further with it. I’ve already made small changes and tried to make better, not necessarily great, but better decisions after talking to my dietitian. I got up this morning and started my couch to 5k workout program, then took Sammy for a walk, and now I’m waiting for my printer to stop being dumb so I can print out these meal plan templates and make a grocery run. 

I really hope this isn’t my last entry. I really hope I’m able to keep things going this time. I think with my therapist and now my dietitian and the fact that I still want to keep going and I have actual, tangible goals... I think this may actually be the time that I do it. Once again, time will tell!

[morethannotenough]

Weight 256 (324) -68 lbs

Bicep 13.5 (18) -4.5 in

Chest 43.5 (58) -14.5

Waist 41.5 (57) -15.5

Hips 47.5 (62) -15.5

Thigh 21 (30) -9

68 lbs and 60 inches down since February!

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May 3 (February 2019)

Weight - 274.0 (323) -49

Bicep - 15 (18) -3

Chest 46 (58) -12

Waist - 43 (57) -14

Hip - 48 (62) -14

Thigh - 25 (30) -5

Total: 49 lbs and 48 inches gone!

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April 25 281.7 (February 19 324)

Bicep 16 (18) -2

Chest 49.5 (58) -8.5

Waist 48 (57) -9

Hips 52.5 (62) -9.5

Thigh 25 (30) -5

Total: -43 lbs and -34 inches!

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April 12, 2020 (February 2019)

Weight 287 (324) -37 lbs

Bicep 16 (18) -2in

Chest 51.5 (58) -6.5 in

Waist 49 (57) -8 in

Hips 54.5 (62) -7.5 in

Thigh 27 (30) -3 in

[morethannotenough]

297 3/29/2020

Gonna try to do Sunday updates. It's not as easy to document since I'm not physically going to the gym anymore. Currently self-quarantining and working from home. I expected to fall off the wagon. My thing has always been "if nobody sees me eat the thing, then the calories from the thing don't count." So here I am alone all day with all the yummy food and no one to see me eat it. I've honestly surprised myself and have stuck to my routine pretty well.

We also got a Nintendo Switch and the ring fit adventure game which has really helped me stay on track with working out--honestly better workouts than I had at the gym.

I'm restricting pretty majorly during the week and letting myself eat what I want on the weekend, while trying to keep it in moderation. I'm also trying to be as active as possible on the weekends so the extra calories don't derail that weeks progress.

Hanging in there! Time will tell!

[morethannotenough]

Update on inches... (Snug but not tight)

Weight 297.2 (2/24/19 - 324 lbs) (-27 lbs)

Bicep - 17in (18) -1

Chest - 53.5 (58) -4.5

Waist 52.5 (57) -4.5

Hips 56.5 (62) -5.5

Thigh 28.5 (30) -1.5

27 lbs and 17 inches lost!

[morethannotenough]

Checking in, I haven't given up, things have just changed dramatically. More on that later. As of this morning I am officially 299.6 lbs. This is the first time I've been under 300 lbs in two years. I'm SO excited but I can't tell anyone because I'm still so embarrassed of being over 300.

Excited to keep going. I think this might actually work this time.

[morethannotenough]

313.4 - Day 4.

I had hoped to be able to show drastic before and after pictures by now, but I guess this is going to take more than a few days. 😂

I wasn't going to go this morning because of how run down I was all day yesterday, but I woke up in time so I went anyway. Only 15 minutes on this death machine, but I pushed hard. I was afraid if I went any longer I wouldn't have the energy to get back to my car.

[morethannotenough]

316.6 - day 3. Did NOT want to go this morning. Woke up exhausted with a killer headache. Turned my alarm off and almost decided to skip, but somehow convinced myself to go. I left a little late, so only did 20 minutes on whatever this machine from hell is. Probably the most intense workout I've done so far. Considering taking a break tomorrow. I know I shouldn't push myself too far or I'll burn out, but I also want to form this into a habit. We shall see.

Also found out today that with what I'm doing, I need to eat 3400 calories a day to maintain my weight... Trying to stick to 1500-2000 through the week, so these numbers should be going down soon. *Fingers crossed*

[morethannotenough]

317.2 Day 2 - 39 minutes on the treadmill, and shockingly decent looking post-workout hair.

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316.1 - day 1 again.

20 minutes on the elliptical at 5:30am. I'm tired.

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So the stakes have been raised a little bit. Yes, it’s been 6 months or so since I’ve updated this. And yes, if you must know, I gained another 15 lbs in that time. Here’s my problem, I’ll get all hyped about going on a diet, thinking about how great I’m gonna look when I’m done, how much better I’m gonna feel, all of that. Then I start to realize what I need to give up in order to do that. I know my habits well enough now to know that I can’t just cut all of the foods that I like cold turkey, but I know I need to cut way back. So I decide that since “today is the last day of being able to eat what I want, I should eat EVERYTHING that I want.” Of course, I also fail to plan what I’m going to eat once I can’t eat what I want, so the next day, when meal time comes, I reason that I might as well keep eating everything that I want because I don’t have a plan yet, but I’m sure that will magically happen while I eat this entire bowl of pasta meant for 4 by myself. The cycle continues, and suddenly it’s a month later, I’ve been eating even worse than I was before I said I was going to start dieting, and I’ve gained another 10 lbs. 

Anyway, as I said above, the stakes have been raised a little bit. I know that weight loss is something you have to do for yourself, and don’t get me wrong its definitely something I want to do for myself, but there’s more people involved now. My dad is in kidney failure. He had to start dialysis a couple of weeks ago, and they won’t put him on the transplant list because of his age. I called the transplant coordinator to see if I could get tested to be a donor for him, and because of several different factors (my weight, my age, the fact that I might want to have kids some day, and the fact that I’m not his blood type, so it wouldn’t be able to be a direct donation) put me as basically a last resort for my dad. Even though I might be a last resort, I want to make sure that if we come to that point, I’m as ready as I can possibly be. I currently weigh 324lbs (down from 328 last week, so there’s that!) In order to start testing I need to be 224 lbs, and in order to actually go through with the procedure, I need to be at 191, and ideally maintain that for the rest of my life. I haven’t weighed under 200 lbs since probably middle school. It’s going to be hard, but I have to do it. What happens if we get to the point where my dad is on his last resort and I’m not ready, or haven’t tried hard enough?

This is going to be positive. For everyone. I’m excited about the end results and I have a plan. I’m 30 years old. I have to do something, and its only going to get harder. I can’t even do half of the things I could do two years ago. I’ve decided to create a baseline to help me on days that might get hard.

As of today, February 24th, 2019 at 8:05am

I weigh 324 lbs My bicep is 18 inches My chest is 58 inches My waist is 57 inches My hips are 62 inches My thigh is 30 inches.

Things I can’t do include: Bend down to tie my shoes without feeling like my head is going to explode. Walk more than a block without getting winded. Run. At all. Sit in most chairs without testing how far the sides will stretch Ride a horse.  Fit comfortably into the small bathroom stalls at work (though I’m not sure anyone can do that. Clip my toenails.

Physical symptoms I would like to get rid of: Lower back pain after walking about 100 ft or standing for too long. Chafing. So much chafing. In terrible places. Not fitting into any of my clothes. Snoring

That’s just to name a few of the things. I’m sure I’ll think of more. We have a family vacation coming up in May in Gatlinburg with the whole family. I want to be able to go on hikes and keep up with everyone. We have another family reunion with my mom’s side of the family in July on a boat. It would be nice to be able to wear a dress or shorts or something, and have enough weight lost to be able to tell a difference. My healthy wage challenge ends on November 23. If I’m 70lbs down by then, I get $1500. I will be down 70lbs. I will get the money. And then I will start another one. 70lbs down means I’ll be at least 254 (if I lose more, that’s awesome.) I’ll do another one and get to that 191. Ideally I would like to be around 170, but we’ll see what happens.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it, but I’m sure as hell going to give it everything that I have. 

[morethannotenough]

My giant 64oz bottle of water. 11:30 am and I've already consumed one and a half of these bad boys. Making the theme of today: Holy crap, I have to pee.

On the upside, not only is drinking water good for you, but the only bathroom at work is on the 1st floor, which is 2 flights of stairs away from me! I can't make it to the gym today, but at least I'm going to get a lot of cardio in today!

[morethannotenough]

[morethannotenough]

Okay, here goes. I know I did not give you my normal years-long period to digest that last entry before bombarding you with another one, and now, here I am, ONE DAY LATER, posting again!

I’m sorry. Stay with me. We’re gonna get through this.

 I’ve made some big changes since we last spoke. I have started a wonderful new job that I am absolutely in love with. I finally took the time to sit down and figure out my debt situation so I can start doing something about that, and I’m also literally putting my money where my mouth always is and doing something about the weight that I have been complaining about for most of my life.

 As I mentioned before, I have a problem with crash diets. I can lose weight if I need to, but I do it in stupid, unhealthy, unsustainable ways, and it always comes back. This time I’m taking it way outside the box. I have joined a program called Healthy Wage, where basically I’m betting on myself to lose a certain amount of weight. Ideally, I would like to weigh about 140lbs less than I do right now. That’s a lot. We’re gonna start with losing 100 though. I’ve given myself a year to do it, and I’m betting $40 a month that by next year at this time, I will be 100 pounds lighter. If I am, they’re going to send me a boatload of money which will ultimately help me with my debt as well, so win-win!

By stretching it out for an entire year, I know I’m going to have to make some serious lifestyle changes. Even if I wasn’t doing this program, those changes still need to be made. I’m 30 years old (yikes. Yeah, that happened last week too. Moving on…) and I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, or bend over to tie my shoes, or be outside in 90 degree weather without sweating like a pig. It HAS to change, but without a catalyst, it’s too easy to put it off. So here we go. Here’s my catalyst.

 Yesterday was my first day at the gym in probably a year or so. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and thought I was going to die, but hey, I did it. Day 1 of many, many more to come. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to do it, and you’re going to be with me through all the ups and downs if you choose to keep reading, so go warm up! We’ve got a lot of work ahead.