#Aging Parents

[heterorealism]

[longreads]

The Curl of Time

Today at Longreads, Sarah Stankorb confronts a lifetime of literally outrunning her angry, alcoholic father as she attempts to find care for him and her mother, both of whom are struggling with dementia. 

Each evening until I moved off for college, my father drunkenly slurred and screamed, chasing me around the house until I caged myself in my room and he pounded outside. I’d stayed there safe, until his attention refocused on my mother, then I’d run out and draw his anger toward me again. I was faster, could outrun him.

Read the full essay. 

[1zashreena1]

Real life shit underneath

I am afraid.

I am fearful of so many things right now.

My parents' health is failing at a slowly but ever more increasing rate and I am literally a thousand miles away. I had a not so great relationship with my mother growing up, but ever since she went thru menopause we've been on the mend. But because I'm the youngest child and they were older than was typical when they had me, I have less time with them to begin with. I fear that something drastic will happen with the limited time of good standing I have with my parents and I won't physically see them again before they die.

In order to move closer to them I am trying to get my partner a job at my employer, where there are still fully remote positions. Partner's current job requires in office and is only located here in Florida, Texas, and Georgia. Obviously I'm not moving from 1 dumpster fire to another, so partner jumping ship from his job is really the only option. However, I have heard nothing from my HR dept and there's not much else I can do about it.

I worry myself into being so nauseous that I can't even eat over the imminent political future here in the US. I have fought my entire life to be a person with human rights under the law (and I do mean my whole life, I've been politically active since like age 12, and no my parents did not usher me into this as they do not share many of my beliefs) and I'm tired. I'm just so tired. After being in healthcare thru covid, I'm just. Exhausted. I fear that I will lose access to hormonal birth control that I need for my incredibly severe pmdd, and then lose the right to work, to own property and assets, to lose ownership of myself entirely. That level of all-encompassing fear will eat you alive from the inside out.

My other furbaby is sick with something respiratory and, just like with Allover, I can't turn off the mental terror. Kimi is not in acute distress, but I'm scared to go to sleep because what if something happens and I don't wake up. If I can't help her and she dies. I don't think I could live with myself.

I'm starting to feel like all I am is just an ever shrinking ball of angst.

Pet tax pic as a thank you for reading this mess:

My babydoll Kimi

[depizan]

I can't remember how much, if at all, I've updated about my life recently on here. It's not exactly a cheerful topic, since my parents are somewhere between in failing health and actively dying and I'm it as far as their family goes. At least they inherited a decent amount of money from my grandparents or things would really be fucked.

I'm still trying to get everything under control as far as bills being paid and such, which is hampered by my dad's wallet having gone missing during his health crisis. And he'd need an ID to give me power of attorney. (Unless he gets to the point where he's medically unfit.)

I'm sure struggling with the logistics of everything is keeping it from really hitting me (except when it does), and I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't made good friends at work. It matters to have people to hug and who randomly bring you soup or invite you to hang out.

I also feel like going around telling people that if they're going to have kids, have more than one, because being the only kid really fucking sucks. Especially when you can't afford to take FMLA. And if you're not going to have kids (or even if you are), have friends. Have a social circle. Have people in your life. You may some day need them.

And yet, life also goes on. It's like leading two lives: in one, my parents are dying and I'm trying to manage everything to keep everything okay for them and in the other, nothing has changed. I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to work, though. I don't know whether to be concerned that there's something wrong with me, or concerned that I'll completely fall apart when they do die. (Or maybe it's supposed to be like this and fiction is a poor reflection of real life on this particular topic.)

And that's one of the reasons I haven't posted much. It feels weird to have half your posts be normal fandom shit and maybe some writing and half of them be about trying to figure out how to get your dying parents' utility bill paid or how you cried when you told the hospice chaplain and social worker that your parents want to be cremated and have their ashes scattered somewhere beautiful and how you'd checked and you can get a permit to do so in Rocky Mountain National Park.

On the other hand, my friends here in town encourage me to go out and have fun and leave ridiculous books on my desk and suggest silly shows to try, so maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

I don't know. My life is very weird at present, and some of it's pretty depressing.

[thatweirdthingoverthere]

FELLOW NEURODIVERGENT FRIENDS HELP

Does anybody know any good resources for neurodivergent caregivers? I am in a situation right now with social workers and hospitals and phone calls and housing issues and I am struggling. And it occurred to me others may be struggling too.

So if anybody has been in a similar situation and knows any websites or programs that can help me, who can barely care for myself, take care of someone else, let's share them here.

Much love and appreciation in advance ❤️

[nice-bright-colors]

This is the shit I’m dealing with.

So this is the shit I’m having to deal with now. My father turned 80 years old in April. Today he left me a voicemail while I was flying. It went something like this:

“Hey Jeff, it’s Dad. No big deal, but if you’re planning on coming out here (MI) in the future, for a visit, let me know a few weeks in advance. I’ve got some steaks I cut down from a large top sirloin, about 18 steaks. Anyway let me know and I can marinate some in Italian dressing for you guys. Just let me know. Ok. Just something to think about when you get the call.”

Now luckily Dad isn’t running for a political office, because it’s becoming clear he isn’t that sharp anymore.

The Wife™️ and I have eaten a plant based diet for the last 10 years. He knows this. About 4-1/2 years ago we lived with him for 4 months before moving out to Colorado. The Wife™️ did all the cooking.

So it looks like on our next visit, I’m going to have to bite the bullet, eat a steak, and drink the best part of a bottle of scotch. As it may very well be the last time to do so with him.

[theworldoffostering]

Ms. 6 is living several counties away from me. I am desperately trying to remove her from my health insurance plan. My HR department is telling me that I am not allowed to do so as we have not experienced a life event.

I can see that Ms. 6 has been in the ER, a doctor visit, and picked up medication at a pharmacy. My HR department told me today that I am financially responsible for any medical costs she incurs along the way, and they will not drop her unless I can somehow prove that she is no longer my dependent.

Ms. 6 has always had secondary insurance. That alone should be enough for me to drop her, but my HR has said that because the secondary insurance did not begin within the last 30 days, then it is not a new event.

Y’all, I met with the church today regarding services for my dad. We meet with the funeral home tomorrow. I’m trying to walk six kids through this major loss and in the background I’m stressing about the potential huge sums of money I’m going to owe for my kid to see out of network providers.

[shironezuninja]

You 🤬in’ Parisian Police Force.😠😝 When YOU’RE aging parents are driving you into madness, then you’d want to defend the homeless too and pick a fight with authorities.

[monkeymeghan]

Getting older royally sucks. And not because I’m getting older, but because my parents are. It’s so hard to see them decline as the years go on. Not only that, they expect so much of me regarding their health and whatnot. I get it, I have the medical knowledge (I used to be a nurse), but it really takes a toll on me, and I don’t think they realize just how high that toll is. *sigh* :(

[sadowlswriting]

I can see how time has changed you; it's taken its thumbs and folded skin into the layers of itself. Added weight for you to carry in your joints, a stiffness, tension, and an ache that carries its way into your heart.

The type of ache that can't be fixed by medicines, or doctors. It's an ache from all the yearning, yearning to stay a little longer, see a little more, and a yearning to just, be.

But I look into your eyes, and they tell me you're, you. You're still young, and alive, lively, and desperate to do all the things you used to do. The ache grows stronger, as memories are triggered, and you tell me about how when you were young, you could go shopping for hours on end, but your legs grow tired and your arms hurt before you've even left the door.

You say, you're old now. You say, your body's not what it used to be. You say, you wish you were young again. You tell me, don't get old, as though I can stop time, and I wish I could, I'd stay in this moment a little longer; try to stain it in the creases of my mind.

I can see how time has changed you; it's taken the parts of you that were great, and it's made them even better. You don't want to rest, but you've done all you need to now. It's time you worry less, and let others do it for you. Let me take care of you, as you did, me.

-Owl.

[lostinthought44]

I think there is something so uniquely, and unintentionally, beautiful about ageing. The way one's face and body begins to express your emotions for u. The way the face and body begins to tell a story so unimaginably wonderful, without u even noticing. I think it is so wonderful when a face and body begins to wrinkle and age and tell the story of u. The story of ur life before I was a part of it. I’m so deeply mesmerised by the story of ur childhood told with the help of the scar on the bottom of ur left shin. I’m swept into ur first born's bedroom when they show me the tiny, almost faded scar they have above their right eyebrow from falling from their bed when they were little. I’m taken aback by ur beauty when I notice that the crows feet beneath ur eyes are so deeply present because ur smile has always taken over ur whole face. I fall in love with the possibilities of my life when I see how deeply the events and moments of urs have become so ingrained in u. There is something so astonishingly beautiful in u, thus the same must exist in ageing too…

ken 🫧

no permission is given to copy, steal, or republish my work (outside of reblogs and likes) without proper credit and my consent

[remembertheplunge]

"You've married into an intense family."

11/11/2001. 3:38pm Sunday The leaves have really turned “Fall” in the 50 hours we were in Paso (Paso Robles, California)

I lit a candle for Margie, Dennis and Ruth Ann. Tough, tough situations.

Jim's friend said to me “You’ve married into an intense family.”

Chat factor a bit more mellow this trip.

Dennis, Jim’s Dad, has declined dramatically since August. Margie said it happened over night.  Dennis doesn’t watch TV (he can’t see it due to cataracts.) He sleeps a lot.

Margie’s pills cause her to hallucinate. She thought a man came in her room the first night we were here.

3/29/2002 (Margin notes to above 11/11/2001 entry)

Jim talked to Dennis via phone yesterday. Dennis spoke of his brother’s Bob and Jim as being alive. They are both long dead. Dennis cried as the call ended. Jim cried as well.

Ruth Ann grows more ill. She cut a visit with us short 3/17/2002. Johnny asked us “can you see the difference ( re: her declining health) “What do I do?"

End of entry

Notes:

Jim was my gay partner in 2001. Jim's friend was out and gay.

Dennis and Margie were Jim’s parents. They lived in Paso Robles ., California. We were visiting from our home in Modesto, California . Ruth Ann was Jim’s cousin. Johnny was her husband.

Jim. Margie and Dennis have since died.

End of entry

Notes:

It’s interesting that in the 11/11/2001 entry, Jim's friend refers to Jim and I as being married. I his eyes, and, in ours, we were, marriage license or not. (Jim and I were never legally married).

Visiting the Wentzels, Jim’s family,  resulted in endless chatter and  laughter usually fueled by drinking. Jim and I called that the “chat factor”. For me, at times, it became a little hard to deal with. I would crave “Lew Time”.  Time to ponder and just to be. 

We basically never left Jim’s parent’s house during visits there.. So, in the many visits to Paso Robles, we never once visited Cal Poly San Luis Obispo where Jim went to school. We never saw the coast, or visited any coastal towns in San Luis Obispo like Moro Bay or San Luis Obispo. 

I have never seen those cities.

[whooshingnoise]

Okay, as an elder millenial who is and has been HEAVILY involved in her aging parents' care-

They need workshops for this kind of thing.

When I was graduating high school in the early 00s, I had to attend multiple workshops on financing college (didn't understand a lick of it; didn't matter, still had to do it).

But now that my mother is a senior citizen, new information about services for which she's eligible trickle in every other week. She's not equipped to do this herself. My father wasn't equipped, and now he's gone. So I'm doing it.

But if it improves the rest of her life, I should do it, and there should be more public knowledge about it.

[steelfeathersnn]

Taking care of an elderly parent is very tiring.

[performing-personhood]

Any other former children wanna talk about the things our parents told us that we wouldn't realize was pretty messed up/completely totally incorrect until we were adults??

I'll go first:

My mom, the stable one of my parental set and eldest of six irish-catholic kids, used to say "After the age of 25 you're not allowed to blame your parents for your life anymore! You're an adult now and you have to take responsibility for your own life."

Which, like, sounds rgood in a vacuum? And is maybe even, to give the lady some credit, a teensy-weensy bit true? (Especially when my helpless father is taken into consideration.) Because assuming responsibility for one's own bullshit is a super important thing to do if one ever wants to properly perform stability and independence.

The problem here is that this logic completely ignores the generational trauma, while both absolving the guilty parties and placing the blame for lingering emotional damage onto the traumatized person. And that is fucked up.

Yall. I'm three years deep into weekly AEDP therapy and I am still learning that [refers to note cards] "It Is Okay To Be Upset About Your Childhood And Hold Your Parents Responsible For Your Lingering Emotional Damage Even If Your Parents Tried Their Best And Were Generally Upstanding People."

Repeat after me: It's okay to be angry at your parents for how things turned out. It is okay to be low-contact or no-contact with those same people who tried their best, especially if they won't change despite your best efforts to change with them.

Because guess what buckaroo? That's what taking responsibility for your adult life looks like: it looks like protecting yourself from people who would do you harm. Whether or not the people intend to or willfully inflict harm on you does not factor into this equation.

[thats-jaywalking]

iykyk

Girls are like “I’m fine!” and then consume thousands of words of fanfiction to cope with their exhausting modern lives