#Aging Parents

[heterorealism]

[longreads]

The Curl of Time

Today at Longreads, Sarah Stankorb confronts a lifetime of literally outrunning her angry, alcoholic father as she attempts to find care for him and her mother, both of whom are struggling with dementia. 

Each evening until I moved off for college, my father drunkenly slurred and screamed, chasing me around the house until I caged myself in my room and he pounded outside. I’d stayed there safe, until his attention refocused on my mother, then I’d run out and draw his anger toward me again. I was faster, could outrun him.

Read the full essay. 

[1zashreena1]

Real life shit underneath

I am afraid.

I am fearful of so many things right now.

My parents' health is failing at a slowly but ever more increasing rate and I am literally a thousand miles away. I had a not so great relationship with my mother growing up, but ever since she went thru menopause we've been on the mend. But because I'm the youngest child and they were older than was typical when they had me, I have less time with them to begin with. I fear that something drastic will happen with the limited time of good standing I have with my parents and I won't physically see them again before they die.

In order to move closer to them I am trying to get my partner a job at my employer, where there are still fully remote positions. Partner's current job requires in office and is only located here in Florida, Texas, and Georgia. Obviously I'm not moving from 1 dumpster fire to another, so partner jumping ship from his job is really the only option. However, I have heard nothing from my HR dept and there's not much else I can do about it.

I worry myself into being so nauseous that I can't even eat over the imminent political future here in the US. I have fought my entire life to be a person with human rights under the law (and I do mean my whole life, I've been politically active since like age 12, and no my parents did not usher me into this as they do not share many of my beliefs) and I'm tired. I'm just so tired. After being in healthcare thru covid, I'm just. Exhausted. I fear that I will lose access to hormonal birth control that I need for my incredibly severe pmdd, and then lose the right to work, to own property and assets, to lose ownership of myself entirely. That level of all-encompassing fear will eat you alive from the inside out.

My other furbaby is sick with something respiratory and, just like with Allover, I can't turn off the mental terror. Kimi is not in acute distress, but I'm scared to go to sleep because what if something happens and I don't wake up. If I can't help her and she dies. I don't think I could live with myself.

I'm starting to feel like all I am is just an ever shrinking ball of angst.

Pet tax pic as a thank you for reading this mess:

My babydoll Kimi

[depizan]

I can't remember how much, if at all, I've updated about my life recently on here. It's not exactly a cheerful topic, since my parents are somewhere between in failing health and actively dying and I'm it as far as their family goes. At least they inherited a decent amount of money from my grandparents or things would really be fucked.

I'm still trying to get everything under control as far as bills being paid and such, which is hampered by my dad's wallet having gone missing during his health crisis. And he'd need an ID to give me power of attorney. (Unless he gets to the point where he's medically unfit.)

I'm sure struggling with the logistics of everything is keeping it from really hitting me (except when it does), and I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't made good friends at work. It matters to have people to hug and who randomly bring you soup or invite you to hang out.

I also feel like going around telling people that if they're going to have kids, have more than one, because being the only kid really fucking sucks. Especially when you can't afford to take FMLA. And if you're not going to have kids (or even if you are), have friends. Have a social circle. Have people in your life. You may some day need them.

And yet, life also goes on. It's like leading two lives: in one, my parents are dying and I'm trying to manage everything to keep everything okay for them and in the other, nothing has changed. I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to work, though. I don't know whether to be concerned that there's something wrong with me, or concerned that I'll completely fall apart when they do die. (Or maybe it's supposed to be like this and fiction is a poor reflection of real life on this particular topic.)

And that's one of the reasons I haven't posted much. It feels weird to have half your posts be normal fandom shit and maybe some writing and half of them be about trying to figure out how to get your dying parents' utility bill paid or how you cried when you told the hospice chaplain and social worker that your parents want to be cremated and have their ashes scattered somewhere beautiful and how you'd checked and you can get a permit to do so in Rocky Mountain National Park.

On the other hand, my friends here in town encourage me to go out and have fun and leave ridiculous books on my desk and suggest silly shows to try, so maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

I don't know. My life is very weird at present, and some of it's pretty depressing.

[thatweirdthingoverthere]

FELLOW NEURODIVERGENT FRIENDS HELP

Does anybody know any good resources for neurodivergent caregivers? I am in a situation right now with social workers and hospitals and phone calls and housing issues and I am struggling. And it occurred to me others may be struggling too.

So if anybody has been in a similar situation and knows any websites or programs that can help me, who can barely care for myself, take care of someone else, let's share them here.

Much love and appreciation in advance ❤️

[nice-bright-colors]

This is the shit I’m dealing with.

So this is the shit I’m having to deal with now. My father turned 80 years old in April. Today he left me a voicemail while I was flying. It went something like this:

“Hey Jeff, it’s Dad. No big deal, but if you’re planning on coming out here (MI) in the future, for a visit, let me know a few weeks in advance. I’ve got some steaks I cut down from a large top sirloin, about 18 steaks. Anyway let me know and I can marinate some in Italian dressing for you guys. Just let me know. Ok. Just something to think about when you get the call.”

Now luckily Dad isn’t running for a political office, because it’s becoming clear he isn’t that sharp anymore.

The Wife™️ and I have eaten a plant based diet for the last 10 years. He knows this. About 4-1/2 years ago we lived with him for 4 months before moving out to Colorado. The Wife™️ did all the cooking.

So it looks like on our next visit, I’m going to have to bite the bullet, eat a steak, and drink the best part of a bottle of scotch. As it may very well be the last time to do so with him.

[theworldoffostering]

Ms. 6 is living several counties away from me. I am desperately trying to remove her from my health insurance plan. My HR department is telling me that I am not allowed to do so as we have not experienced a life event.

I can see that Ms. 6 has been in the ER, a doctor visit, and picked up medication at a pharmacy. My HR department told me today that I am financially responsible for any medical costs she incurs along the way, and they will not drop her unless I can somehow prove that she is no longer my dependent.

Ms. 6 has always had secondary insurance. That alone should be enough for me to drop her, but my HR has said that because the secondary insurance did not begin within the last 30 days, then it is not a new event.

Y’all, I met with the church today regarding services for my dad. We meet with the funeral home tomorrow. I’m trying to walk six kids through this major loss and in the background I’m stressing about the potential huge sums of money I’m going to owe for my kid to see out of network providers.

[shironezuninja]

You 🤬in’ Parisian Police Force.😠😝 When YOU’RE aging parents are driving you into madness, then you’d want to defend the homeless too and pick a fight with authorities.

[monkeymeghan]

Getting older royally sucks. And not because I’m getting older, but because my parents are. It’s so hard to see them decline as the years go on. Not only that, they expect so much of me regarding their health and whatnot. I get it, I have the medical knowledge (I used to be a nurse), but it really takes a toll on me, and I don’t think they realize just how high that toll is. *sigh* :(

[sadowlswriting]

I can see how time has changed you; it's taken its thumbs and folded skin into the layers of itself. Added weight for you to carry in your joints, a stiffness, tension, and an ache that carries its way into your heart.

The type of ache that can't be fixed by medicines, or doctors. It's an ache from all the yearning, yearning to stay a little longer, see a little more, and a yearning to just, be.

But I look into your eyes, and they tell me you're, you. You're still young, and alive, lively, and desperate to do all the things you used to do. The ache grows stronger, as memories are triggered, and you tell me about how when you were young, you could go shopping for hours on end, but your legs grow tired and your arms hurt before you've even left the door.

You say, you're old now. You say, your body's not what it used to be. You say, you wish you were young again. You tell me, don't get old, as though I can stop time, and I wish I could, I'd stay in this moment a little longer; try to stain it in the creases of my mind.

I can see how time has changed you; it's taken the parts of you that were great, and it's made them even better. You don't want to rest, but you've done all you need to now. It's time you worry less, and let others do it for you. Let me take care of you, as you did, me.

-Owl.

[remembertheplunge]

"You've married into an intense family."

11/11/2001. 3:38pm Sunday The leaves have really turned “Fall” in the 50 hours we were in Paso (Paso Robles, California)

I lit a candle for Margie, Dennis and Ruth Ann. Tough, tough situations.

Jim's friend said to me “You’ve married into an intense family.”

Chat factor a bit more mellow this trip.

Dennis, Jim’s Dad, has declined dramatically since August. Margie said it happened over night.  Dennis doesn’t watch TV (he can’t see it due to cataracts.) He sleeps a lot.

Margie’s pills cause her to hallucinate. She thought a man came in her room the first night we were here.

3/29/2002 (Margin notes to above 11/11/2001 entry)

Jim talked to Dennis via phone yesterday. Dennis spoke of his brother’s Bob and Jim as being alive. They are both long dead. Dennis cried as the call ended. Jim cried as well.

Ruth Ann grows more ill. She cut a visit with us short 3/17/2002. Johnny asked us “can you see the difference ( re: her declining health) “What do I do?"

End of entry

Notes:

Jim was my gay partner in 2001. Jim's friend was out and gay.

Dennis and Margie were Jim’s parents. They lived in Paso Robles ., California. We were visiting from our home in Modesto, California . Ruth Ann was Jim’s cousin. Johnny was her husband.

Jim. Margie and Dennis have since died.

End of entry

Notes:

It’s interesting that in the 11/11/2001 entry, Jim's friend refers to Jim and I as being married. I his eyes, and, in ours, we were, marriage license or not. (Jim and I were never legally married).

Visiting the Wentzels, Jim’s family,  resulted in endless chatter and  laughter usually fueled by drinking. Jim and I called that the “chat factor”. For me, at times, it became a little hard to deal with. I would crave “Lew Time”.  Time to ponder and just to be. 

We basically never left Jim’s parent’s house during visits there.. So, in the many visits to Paso Robles, we never once visited Cal Poly San Luis Obispo where Jim went to school. We never saw the coast, or visited any coastal towns in San Luis Obispo like Moro Bay or San Luis Obispo. 

I have never seen those cities.

[whooshingnoise]

Okay, as an elder millenial who is and has been HEAVILY involved in her aging parents' care-

They need workshops for this kind of thing.

When I was graduating high school in the early 00s, I had to attend multiple workshops on financing college (didn't understand a lick of it; didn't matter, still had to do it).

But now that my mother is a senior citizen, new information about services for which she's eligible trickle in every other week. She's not equipped to do this herself. My father wasn't equipped, and now he's gone. So I'm doing it.

But if it improves the rest of her life, I should do it, and there should be more public knowledge about it.

[missingdragonflies]

WILL I BE GLASSY OR SPARKLY?

(Que sera, sera)

There comes an age where the eyes reflect the fear of death or simply the wait for it. A resignation. Yet, there are some who retain the sparkle. A deep sparkle and not that ‘I-am-okay’ facade to stop your loved ones from fussing or nagging or worrying. 

Have you noticed it in the elders around you or is it just in my head? I tend to notice it in loved ones, so is it my perception? My projection? Also, I am talking about people above the age of 70 largely. If you just thought, ‘ah yes, I have that 44-year-old aunt…’ just stop reading this. This page is not for you. 

I am basically trying to decipher if this is an age thing or a result of dormancy. 

Of course, there was this lady in Ladakh who weaves carpets and this guy working at the stadium in Mohali… Fingers dented and backs hunched, twinkly eyes that we find so cute and enduring. Nothing beats the experienced laugher. That laughter vibrates. The lines and creases of their faces suggesting that not just now, they have been laughing it out for ages. 

Is it a personality type? 

Is the secret to laughing more stretching out that face so that later on you don’t get rigid? Or is it labour and action that makes you push through the grind, suck it up and feel useful? Is it people, friends, community? Whatever it is, it ain’t coming to me genetically. 

My immediate (family) have worked till 60, done it all (apparently!), have been cheated, have given more than they have received, and are tired of people. Nothing, according to me, tears you apart more than the sad eyes of your parents. Resigned. From life. 

Thankfully, places like Canada, Japan and Italy are extending the retirement age. It now goes up to 70 in some countries. Okay, one. There are also places with re-employment incentives. I digress. 

There are people in my family who have retired earlier than 60 too. You plan your future, make your money make money for you and sit back and enjoy your life. My uncle did. Sparkle and all! However, again, I not great with how the brain functions (clearly, look at mine), but chronic dementia beat the sparkle out of him. 

How do we bring the sparkle back? How do we start the process of making sure we sparkle? My face hasn’t got too many creases, wrinkles and crow lines. Is that a sign of a sparkle-less old age? Shit! Am I that 44-year-old aunt!?

[entertainingthewhatifs]

Weekend Coffee Share, From Phase to Phase

Welcome to my Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie at Natalie the Explorer, Blog Home . Join me for a coffee chat in which I drink green tea with ginger,and you’ve got your favorite morning beverage in hand. If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my Winter break started with sleeping in and waking without an alarm. We have our Christmas tree up and some presents under the tree, so the…

[dangerousoperatoroperadonkey]

One struggle with aging parents:

They send texts to the wrong person at a higher frequency than typical. We all do this from time to time. It’s happening a lot with my mom.

Honest enough mistake, most of the time. Except when she sends a text venting about her brother TO her brother instead of her sister, or when she sends a text complaining about the pest control service (with questionable language) TO the pest control service, and not to me, the intended recipient.

I guess we just roll with this. I’m not sure what else to do. Taking her phone away really seems like a non-option because it would cut her off from so many people and services.

[kizunacareblogs]

Aging Parents and Elder Care - Kizuna

This Blog was Originally Published at:

Aging Parents and Elder Care — Kizuna

Aging Parents and Elder Care: Navigating the Journey with Compassion and Support

As we age, the roles in our families often shift. Children become caregivers, and parents, once the main pillars of support, may require assistance with daily living. While this transition can be a difficult one, especially emotionally, it also offers a chance to show the love and respect we feel for our parents by supporting them as they age.

Caring for aging parents is a responsibility that many people will face at some point in their lives. It comes with challenges, but also moments of connection, gratitude, and understanding. However, navigating the complexities of elder care can be overwhelming. Fortunately, tools like Kizuna provide families with access to professional caregivers, ensuring that the transition from independent living to receiving care is smooth, respectful, and compassionate.

Understanding the Need for Elder Care

As we age, our physical and mental capabilities often change. Conditions like arthritis, diabetes, or cognitive decline can make simple tasks, like cooking, bathing, or even walking, difficult. For many elderly individuals, the need for assistance arises gradually, and they may be hesitant to ask for help. But when the time comes, family members often find themselves in the position of needing to support their loved ones in new ways.

For some, providing care means helping with transportation to appointments, managing medication, or assisting with household chores. For others, the need may be more intensive, involving round-the-clock care for someone who has dementia, is bedridden, or has mobility issues. The transition to this level of care can be emotionally taxing for both the caregiver and the recipient.

Caregiving is a demanding role, both physically and emotionally. It can affect your relationships, social life, and even your career. It’s important to acknowledge that caregiving is a shared responsibility. While families often take on the lion’s share, there are services available to help alleviate the burden and ensure that elderly loved ones receive the best care possible.

Understanding Elder Care and Companion Care: Everything You Need to Know

The Challenges of Caring for Aging Parents

Caring for aging parents can feel like a balancing act. Juggling personal responsibilities, work, and family while managing the care of an elderly loved one can create immense stress. As caregivers, we may feel torn between honoring our parents’ wishes for independence and stepping in when they can no longer care for themselves.

One of the most significant challenges is the physical and emotional toll that caregiving can take. Long hours spent assisting with personal care tasks, coupled with the emotional strain of watching a loved one decline, can lead to burnout. This is especially true when caregivers don’t have access to the support they need, such as respite care or emotional counseling.

Additionally, there’s the challenge of navigating healthcare systems. Understanding insurance policies, managing doctors’ appointments, and coordinating the different aspects of elder care can be overwhelming. It often requires a level of expertise that most family members don’t possess.

For many, a lack of resources or professional help leads to feelings of isolation and stress. That’s where Kizuna, a caregiver marketplace, can be a game-changer. Kizuna helps connect families with professional caregivers who are trained, vetted, and equipped to provide the right level of care, ensuring families have the support they need during this critical time.

How Kizuna Helps to Navigate Aging Parents and Elder Care

Kizuna is a marketplace designed to simplify finding trustworthy, compassionate caregivers for aging parents. For many families, the task of hiring a caregiver can feel daunting, but Kizuna streamlines this process, offering families a seamless experience with the support they need.

1. Professional Caregivers with Background Checks

Trust is one of the most significant concerns families have when hiring a caregiver. Who will be caring for your loved one? Will they be reliable, compassionate, and skilled? Kizuna provides access to caregivers who have undergone comprehensive background checks, ensuring that families can feel confident in the caregivers they choose.

Each caregiver on Kizuna is handpicked for their experience and qualifications. Whether your loved one requires companionship, personal care assistance, or specialized services like dementia care, Kizuna offers a wide range of caregiver profiles that cater to specific needs.

2. Real Account Managers for Personalized Service

Caregiving is deeply personal, and every family’s needs are unique. With Kizuna, families aren’t left to navigate the platform alone. Dedicated account managers work with each family to understand their needs and match them with the right caregiver. This personalized service ensures that families get the support they need while giving caregivers clear guidelines for how to best assist their elderly clients.

These real account managers also provide ongoing support to ensure that care continues to meet expectations and that any changes are addressed promptly. This level of ongoing support is invaluable for families who may be uncertain about the caregiving process.

3. Highly Motivated Caregivers

The caregivers on Kizuna are not only qualified but also motivated by the platform’s incentive structure. By offering higher earnings than the industry standard, Kizuna attracts highly motivated caregivers who take pride in their work. These caregivers are passionate about providing the best care possible and are committed to making a positive difference in the lives of those they care for.

This motivation translates into better care for elderly individuals, as caregivers who feel valued are more likely to form meaningful connections with their clients. This level of care not only improves the quality of life for the elderly but also provides peace of mind to their families.

4. Support for Families Every Step of the Way

Kizuna isn’t just about finding a caregiver — it’s about providing support throughout the entire caregiving journey. With dedicated care coordinators available to offer ongoing assistance, families can rest assured that their loved ones are in good hands. Whether it’s coordinating schedules, addressing concerns, or making adjustments to the care plan, Kizuna is there every step of the way.

In addition to the support offered by account managers and care coordinators, Kizuna’s platform is user-friendly, allowing families to easily find and hire caregivers, track schedules, and monitor progress.

How to Know When It’s Time to Seek Help

Knowing when to seek professional care for aging parents is a difficult decision. Often, we try to balance our responsibilities with the need to ensure that our parents remain independent for as long as possible. But there are certain signs that it might be time to look into professional caregiver options:

Declining Health: If your parent is experiencing a decline in physical or mental health, especially if they are unable to manage daily activities like bathing, eating, or medication management, professional help may be necessary.

Frequent Falls: Older adults are at higher risk for falls, which can lead to serious injuries. If your parent has fallen or is unsteady on their feet, it’s time to consider adding a caregiver to help with mobility.

Memory Issues: Memory problems, confusion, and disorientation can be signs of conditions like dementia or Alzheimer’s. If your parent has trouble remembering important details or becomes lost in familiar places, a caregiver who is trained in dementia care can make a significant difference.

Social Isolation: Many elderly people become isolated, especially if they are no longer able to drive or go out as frequently. A caregiver can provide companionship and encourage your parent to stay socially active.

Caregiver Burnout: If you are finding it increasingly difficult to manage the care of your aging parent, it may be a sign that you need professional help. It’s important to take care of yourself to avoid burnout, which can negatively impact both you and your loved one.

Where to Get the Best In-Home Care Services in San Francisco

Finding the Right Balance in Aging Parents and Elder Care

The journey of caring for aging parents can be an emotional and overwhelming one. It is filled with tough decisions, the need for patience, and a deep sense of responsibility. However, with the right support, both the caregiver and the elderly loved one can thrive. Tools like Kizuna offer peace of mind, ensuring that families have access to trusted, compassionate caregivers who can provide the necessary assistance.

Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing companionship, or offering specialized care, Kizuna’s platform simplifies the process of finding the right caregiver. It’s important to remember that you are not alone on this journey. There are resources available to help you navigate the complexities of elder care with compassion, expertise, and ongoing support.

By investing in the right care for your aging parents, you’re not only improving their quality of life but also creating the time and space you need to care for yourself. And that balance is key to ensuring that both you and your parents can continue to live with dignity, respect, and the care you both deserve.

Join Kizuna Today

More helpful resources:

Finding 24 Hour In Home Care for Elderly on Kizuna

How to Find Private Nursing Care In Home: Sonoma & Marin County

How Much Does 24/7 In-Home Care Cost Per Month?