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absdollievu · 19 days ago

Text

And they were roomates

nerdcollege!abby x femcollege!reader

“Room 302”

You can feel Abby’s eyes on you again—sharp, silent, disapproving. You’re sprawled across your bed, phone raised above your head, fingers moving fast as you send another voice note in the group chat.

“You ever gonna open that textbook?” Abby’s voice cuts through the room like a knife through quiet.

You roll onto your side and glance over. She’s at her desk, back straight, highlighter moving across a page like she’s painting a masterpiece. Her hair is pulled up into a messy bun, a few loose strands sticking to her forehead. She hasn’t looked away from the page, but she doesn’t need to. You already know the look on her face.

“I’m multitasking,” you say, gesturing lazily with your phone.

She finally looks up. “Multitasking?” She lifts an eyebrow. “Pretty sure TikTok doesn’t count as prep for midterms.”

You grin. “Hey, there’s educational content on here. I saw a guy explain quantum physics using cats and Red Bull.”

Abby closes her book with a loud thunk. “You’re unbelievable.”

“I’ve been told that before.”

She exhales—more tired than annoyed. You think she might actually be used to you by now. It’s been three months, and despite your late-night voice calls, early morning music blasts, and a general aversion to productivity, she hasn’t requested a room change. Not once.

You sit up and cross your legs. “Wanna watch a movie instead? You look like you need a break.”

Abby narrows her eyes. “You’re trying to corrupt me.”

“I’m trying to save you. You’ve been studying since lunch. Your brain is gonna melt.”

She hesitates, and for a second, you think she might say no. But then she sighs, pushes back from her desk, and grabs the remote.

“If I fail this test because of you, I’m writing your name on my scantron.”

You snort. “At least we’ll go down together.”

And as the movie starts, and she finally smiles for the first time all day, you can’t help but think that maybe—just maybe—being annoying has its perks.

⸻

You’re out of breath, hoodie half-zipped, and the panic in your chest is loud enough to drown out your thoughts as you bang on the dorm door like your life depends on it. Because, honestly? It kind of does.

“Abby! Abby, open up! Please! I’m gonna die!”

The door swings open a few seconds later. Abby stands there in sweatpants and an oversized shirt, glasses perched low on her nose, a protein bar in one hand and her usual look of exhausted patience in the other.

You’re practically vibrating. “Midterms. Abby. I don’t know anything. I looked at my notes and it’s like ancient Greek.”

She blinks once. “So you’re finally realizing you’re screwed.”

“Yes! And I need you to unscrew me. Academically. Please.”

Abby takes a long, dramatic bite of her protein bar, chews, and then says, “No.”

Your jaw drops. “No?!”

“No,” she repeats, adjusting her glasses. “I’m walking to the café. I need caffeine. And distance.”

And with that, she steps past you and starts walking down the hallway like some calm, towering goddess of discipline and disappointment. You scramble to catch up.

“Abby. Abby, come on. You’re, like, my only hope. Everyone else is worse than me. Paulina thought the French Revolution was about baguettes. Please.”

She keeps walking, not even sparing you a glance as she pushes through the dorm exit and into the brisk air. “Should’ve thought about that before you decided to major in group chat politics instead of psychology.”

You groan. Loudly. The café’s across campus. It’s going to be a long walk. But you’re committed now. You trail after her, spewing every excuse and half-baked promise you can think of.

“I’ll buy you coffee! I’ll clean our whole room! I’ll go to class! I’ll—”

You reach the café’s doors just as Abby pulls one open. You tug gently on her arm, face scrunched in a dramatic plea. “Abby. If I fail, I’ll have to retake the class. With a professor who hates me. And I’ll cry. You hate when I cry.”

She pauses, hand still on the door. Her expression softens—just a little—and she exhales like this is the most exhausting favor anyone’s ever asked of her.

“Fine,” she mutters, holding the door open wider. “But I’m quizzing you over coffee. And if you get one question wrong, I’m making you delete TikTok for the rest of the semester.”

You gasp. “You are cruel. You’re cruel, Abby Anderson.”

And yet, as you both step into the warm, espresso-scented air of the café, you can’t help but grin. Because even when she rolls her eyes and pretends to hate you, she still shows up.

⸻

It’s been a few days since the café. Abby hasn’t said anything about how well you did, or how she’s been quietly rewriting her study materials so they make more sense to you—not the textbook. But you can feel it in the way she starts pausing after each card, letting you come to the answer in your own weird, roundabout way. She doesn’t roll her eyes as much. Doesn’t sigh as dramatically. Sometimes she even lets your ridiculous examples stand without correction.

Tonight, you’re in the dorm. Your side’s a mess, as usual. Her side? Not a single thing out of place—except for the fact that her desk is currently occupied by both your notebooks, two mugs of tea (hers mostly untouched), and a bowl of chocolate covered pretzels you brought in as a peace offering.

Abby sits across from you, legs crossed, pen tapping against her knee. Her glasses are slipping again. You wonder if she knows how often she pushes them up when she’s trying to hide a smile.

“Okay,” she says, holding up a card. “Explain confirmation bias.”

You lean back on your elbows and smirk. “That’s when you only look for stuff that proves you’re right. Like how I keep ignoring my grades and focusing on the one time a professor said I had potential.”

She snorts. “That’s… not wrong.”

“You’re smiling.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

She looks down at the flashcard. “Next question.”

But the corners of her mouth are still tugged upward, just a bit. She flips the card and throws you another one. “Defense mechanisms. Give me two.”

You hold up a finger. “Projection. Like when you get mad at me for not studying, but really you’re mad at yourself for how much you secretly enjoy our study sessions.”

Abby raises an eyebrow.

You add a second finger. “And denial. Like how you’re pretending you don’t love my sense of humor.”

She rolls her eyes so hard it almost counts as a stretch. “That’s not how those work.”

“It’s how I work.”

She looks up at you then, chin tilted slightly, and there’s something unreadable flickering behind her glasses—like she’s trying to figure you out, again. You hold her gaze a second too long before she glances away and pretends to reorganize the cards.

The air shifts, just a little. Not a full change. Not serious. But enough that the room feels warmer, more charged.

You break the moment with a grin. “What, no lecture this time?”

“I’m saving it for when you inevitably crash mid-sentence because you’ve been running on caffeine and chaos.”

“You care.”

“I’m invested in not watching you spiral.”

“You care a lot.”

She looks at you again. This time, it lingers. “Shut up and read the next definition.”

You don’t. Not right away. You study her instead—how she bites the inside of her cheek when she’s holding something back, how her fingers flex slightly when she’s annoyed and trying not to show it. How she doesn’t push you away when the flirting starts to sneak in like a slow drip. She just… lets it hang in the air.

You flip a flashcard.

“Okay,” you say. “Final question: which defense mechanism is it when you pretend not to like your annoyingly charming roommate?”

Abby lets out a sharp breath through her nose. Her mouth quirks into a reluctant smile, but she doesn’t look up. “That’s called repression,” she mutters, scribbling something in her notebook.

You’re grinning. “Interesting. Very, very interesting.”

She doesn’t say anything.

But her ears are a little red.

And she still hasn’t told you to stop.

⸻

The dorm’s gone quiet. Flashcards are stacked neatly on Abby’s desk, tea mugs mostly drained, and the study buzz has simmered into something slower, more still. You stretch, groaning dramatically, then grab your towel and shower caddy.

“I’ll be quick,” you say, already halfway to the door.

Abby doesn’t look up. “Please don’t flood the hallway again.”

“No promises.”

You disappear down the hall, the sound of the shower starting a minute later.

Abby brushes her teeth in silence in the bathroom while you’re showering. Taking a quick glance outside to your side of the room—half a disaster zone, half a lived-in mess she’s begrudgingly gotten used to. She spits, rinses, and wipes her mouth on the towel hanging by her bunk.

The shower shuts off.

You return, wrapped in a towel and rubbing at your damp hair, cheeks pink from the heat. You don’t say anything as you dig through your drawer for a sleep shirt, but Abby catches the slight grin on your face when you realize she’s watching and turns quickly back toward her bed.

You change with your back to her. Nothing dramatic—just cotton and routine and maybe a heartbeat that’s a little too loud for no real reason. You crawl into bed, exhale, and reach to turn off the lamp.

Darkness swallows the room in a soft, shared quiet.

“Goodnight, Ab’s,” you mumble into your pillow.

There’s a beat.

“Don’t call me that,” she says automatically, voice low.

You roll over slightly, just enough to peek through the dark. Waiting.

And then, softer:

“Goodnight.”

You smile, eyes already slipping closed.

Abby turns her face to the wall, tugging the blanket up—and hiding the small, involuntary smirk that’s found its way to her lips.

⸻

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suhkusa · 11 months ago

Text

TO THE TOP.

PAIRING. Sakusa Kiyoomi x f!Reader

SUMMARY. Sakusa Kiyoomi was ranked #1 in his class. Was, at least until you came along. After this revelation, he makes it a (personal) challenge to overtake you. Sakusa Kiyoomi is a genius at everything he does, but for once he finds it a challenge when it comes to you.

CW. hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, rivals to lovers except kiyoomi is the only one competing, idiots in love (but theyre actually geniuses), high school setting, ~3k words

A/N. Got inspired from a tiktok and came up with this word vom hope u enjoy

Everything came easy for Kiyoomi. Academically, at least.

While all his classmates found themselves struggling to take tests or study, it was as natural as breathing for Kiyoomi. There were some cons to being as incredibly intelligent as him, but he found himself drowning in the gratification of being #1.

At least until the 2nd semester of his third year. At least until you.

———

Class Rank: 2

Sakusa finds himself staring at the transcript in his hand, as if his ogling would have an effect in changing the number presented before him.

His eyes scan through his class history, looking for any clues as to how he might’ve dropped in ranking. But there was nothing. All A’s, and as many extra classes stuffed into each year as possible.

Kiyoomi’s home room was rowdy as students caught up with one another, as winter break had just ended. While in his own little world, his ears catch onto a couple of words his classmates threw around.

“I heard Sakusa isn’t the top in our class anymore, is that true?”

“Woah, hasn’t he been the top of our class since the 1st year? I wonder who was able to catch up,”

His eye twitched a bit at that one.

“It was that new girl, Y/N,”

The paper crumbled slightly under his grasp. Y/N?

The ring of the bell, signifying the start of class, caused him to slightly jump in his seat. Kiyoomi crumbles his transcript before tossing it in his bag, it’s going to change soon anyways.

He would just have to step up his game.

———

It was ironic really. The world really loved to test Sakusa Kiyoomi, and not only at his school subjects. Of course, you were his desk partner in his math class. Only he had the amazing luck of being seated next to his new self-declared rival.

Kiyoomi knows it’s rude to stare, but he can’t himself because you’re the number one student? You?!

Honestly, you don’t seem like the academic type. You seem too pretty to be caring about stuff like that. At first, he considers the fact that you could be using your looks to get people to do the dirty work for you. But he witnesses first-hand as you write down every math equation, answer every question correctly, and even check your work not once, but twice.

His hyperfixation on you is bad. So bad, he missed the whole introduction lesson and is trying to rapidly copy down what’s on the whiteboard as the teacher is erasing it. Fuck-

“Would you like to see my notes?”

Kiyoomi’s pencil comes to a halt as he looks back at you, your papers are being pushed towards him on the desk. He watches as your eyes widen, as if you suddenly became self conscious.

“I-Is there something on my face? You were staring at me so I wasn’t sure…”

Shit.

“No,” he tries to make up something, but what comes out of his mouth is stupid, “I was just looking past you,” it appears it’s sufficient though, as you nod in response.

“I see, well, did you want to see them?” you gestured to the notes between the two of you.

Kiyoomi tells himself that if you hadn’t offered, he wouldn’t have asked. But since you oh so kindly offered them up, who was he to say no? He doesn’t need them. He could always ask his cousin, though his handwriting resembles chicken scratch more than human writing.

“Sure,” he takes the papers and positions them in a way where he could just look between them and his own.

In his head, Kiyoomi is scolding himself over and over again for not paying attention. This cannot be a regular thing. If he was going to take back his rank, he needed to be on his A-Game.

His pencil slaps against his desk as he finishes, quickly sliding your papers back towards you.

“Thanks,” Kiyoomi offers.

He watches from his peripheral vision as you smile and give back an “Anytime,” before gathering your things and getting up to go to your next class.

Kiyoomi doesn’t know what it was about you, but he could tell he was going to need to up his game. This was war.

———

By the second week of sitting by you, he decides you’re annoying. More annoying than the people who talk while the teacher is talking. Which, in his book, is hard to beat.

Maybe you weren’t as smart as he pinned you to be, since you kept helping Kiyoomi with his work when he did not need it.

Though, you were only able to backseat his work because you somehow finished before him. He’s used to being the only one who sits back and relaxes as the rest of his class struggles to complete the practice problems.

It’s weird though. Because as much as Sakusa hates your yapping, he doesn’t find himself putting an end to it. Instead your voice plays in the background as he completes his work.

He hates it, or at least that’s what he tells himself, the way you praise him like a little kid when he finally completes the work sheet.

“Nice job!” you smile at him, “but, how come you don’t check your work to make sure you’re right?”

“Because I’m always right,” he replies with a slight roll of his eyes.

You laugh at that, I’m not joking, he thinks.

“You’re funny, you know that?” you tell him.

Kiyoomi gives you a shrug, “Whatever,”

———

A month in, he begins to indulge in your shenanigans. But only because he had felt bad.

During the third week of sitting by each other, you had taken his short and dry responses personally. You halted your chatter and no longer offered to help like you usually did. The way the classroom felt quiet without your talking was eerie, so Sakusa reluctantly decided that he’d rather hear your voice instead of nothing at all.

So a month in is when your friendship, or whatever you called it, began with him.

“Why do you use erasable pens? Just use a pencil,” he questions you, eyes peering down at your pen.

You look taken aback as you respond, “I don’t know, is there something wrong with it?” you examine your pen, “I just found it on the floor and stuck with it,”

First of all, gross, remind him not to touch you or your belongings ever. “It’s just a hassle, sometimes it doesn’t erase,”

“Well, it hasn’t given me any problems, so!” you exclaim as you get back to write on your practice quiz. “This is kind of challenging, huh?”

“Nah,” he lies, “You’re just stupid,”

You laugh in his face, “Rude,” Kiyoomi watches as you glimpse at his paper before going back to yours, “That’s why you got the first problem wrong and I didn’t say anything,”

Sakusa can feel his eyebrows scrunch up, he’s quick as he glances at it and then yours. Fuck. He’s mumbling something under his breath and he begrudgingly erases the circle around his answer.

“Told ya,” you smile before moving onto the last problem, “you know, we should hangout or something,”

“No,” he’s quick to cut you off, catching you by surprise.

“Whaaat, it doesn’t have to be like that, weirdo,” it seems like you’re going back on what you meant, “Like to study,”

“Still, no,”

“C’mon, don’t knock it till you try it,” you nudge at him, and to be honest, if you were anyone else he might’ve punched you, “please, just once,”

You’re annoying and pushy. But he supposes that if saying yes to you would get you to leave him alone, he’d say, “Fine, whatever, it has to be my house, though. Your house is probably messy,”

Kiyoomi watches as your face slowly brightens before silently celebrating to yourself as you get your way with him once again.

———

“Wow,” you’re amazed as you walk through Sakusa’s house, “your house is so nice, do you have a maid to keep it clean or something?”

“No, just me,” he says before leading you into his room, “please don’t make a mess,”

“I won’t, I won’t,” you say before settling down on his rug, playing with the soft threads, “Okay, I was hoping to review the practice quiz, I know the teacher said I got it right but I feel like there were some parts that had me second guessing myself,”

You’re quick to open up your textbook and blab about whatever problem you were having trouble with. You actually came over to study. Kiyoomi was under the impression that once you got over to his house you’d make him do whatever silly shit you usually have in mind. But no, you actually respected his wishes. Which in turn, earned you some respect from him as well.

“So you’re number one, huh?” He asks, looking up from his textbook to meet your eyes.

“Yeah, but it’s surprising that all my credits from my old school carried over,” you mindlessly say as you continue to write on your sheet of paper.

The sound of the pencils scribbling on paper fills the room before you interrupt it, “You were rank one before I came, right?”

His pencil stills, “Mhm,” It was a touchy subject, though he never thought he’d hear it from you.

“I’m sorry,” you surprised him, “When I found out I took your ranking spot, I was nervous because people are serious about that stuff. And then, when I got seated by you and you stared me down, I thought you hated my guts,”

Well, you had it down to the T, but he wouldn’t tell you that.

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s out of your control,” you smile at his words.

“Thank you,”

It’s then, in his room, when he realizes he’s losing sight of his goal. To overtake your position. As he watched you look back down at your textbook, he found himself locking in as well.

He needed to get serious, now.

———

These hangouts, or study dates, or study hangouts, whatever, became basically practice. Always at his house, though. Since he couldn’t fathom the idea of how dirty your room might be.

“I don’t know how you balance volleyball and school, Omi,” you say from your position lying on his floor.

“Don’t call me that,”

You laugh before continuing, “All I do is school and I’m always exhausted. I had to quit my shifts at the cafe down the road because I would fall asleep before making it to my room,”

“Dangerous, Y/N,” he says, frantically writing down practice problem after practice problem.

Picking yourself off the ground, “Wow, you’re serious about this final, huh, Omi,”

He glares at you, causing you to laugh again, “Sorry, sorry,” your eyes meet his for a brief second before he looks back at his paper, “but you know it’s okay to take a break, right, that’s all you’ve been doing. We haven’t even gotten to try to compete for today’s Wordle yet,”

“Mhm,” is all he offers you.

You sigh in response to that, “Boring, so boring,” you say as you lay back down

“You can go home if you’re bored,”

“Ugh, rude,” you roll around to make yourself comfortable, “I would but sadly I like being in your presence,”

“Whatever you say,”

“Do you like being in mine?” you question, causing Sakusa to hesitate on the problem he was on.

“You’re tolerable,”

You find yourself cheesing, “That’s a yes in my book,”

———

Finals are coming up. There’s so much on your mind, that you finally decide to let one of the thoughts that have been driving you crazy go. The fact that you like Sakusa Kiyoomi.

It’s nerve wracking. Not only because you’re basically confessing your feelings, but also because he’s your only friend you’ve made since being here. A lot of people think he’s rude and condescending, but to you he’s different.

He lets you talk your head off about whatever your brain decides fits best. And while he gives you short responses, they show you that he’s listening and observant. He’s on your level regarding academics and can keep up to your train of thought. He just cares.

And while you hope he might feel the same despite only knowing you for the past couple of months, you chalk it up to fate as to whether or not your intuition is correct.

As you approach the gymnasium, you slow and quiet your steps as you hear familiar voices by the entrance.

“You’ve been hanging out with Y/N quite a bit, huh, cous’? Your mom told mines,” you assume is Komori based on his words.

“Yes. It’s not like that, though,” you recognize as Sakusa.

You assume he might be fronting since it is his cousin, and feelings are embarrassing at times.

“C’mon, you can’t tell me you don’t like her, she’s like one of the prettiest girls in class and she’s smart. So like, your type,” Komori pushes. And while part of you likes that he said that, you soon take it back after Kiyoomi’s words.

“I don’t like her. I only put up with her because she’s so pushy and always hovers over me while I try to do my work. Plus, she took my ranking spot,”

The world feels silent for a second, the only sound audible to you is the sound of your heart slowly breaking.

“She’s just a nuance, honestly,”

Your feet are moving before you realize. Slowly backing away before running the opposite direction.

He doesn’t like you? You were right that he hates you because you’re number one? He let you into his house but only because you pushed him? Your thoughts are running faster than your own legs, you don’t even realize the drips of water slowly running down your cheeks.

If number one was what he wanted, then you were going to give it to him.

———

Kiyoomi finds it weird. Finds you weird. Well, he’s always found you weird, but particularly as of recent. But only because you’re quiet. And have been for the past couple of days.

At first, he assumes it’s because the finals had finally arrived and you wanted to focus on your work. Which, respect, because it also allowed him to focus on his own.

But even after the finals had passed, you were still quiet. You opted for doodling in your notebook instead of talking to him about a new video game you’ve hyper fixated on or this new show you started to watch.

It’s even weirder when the teacher is going around passing out the graded math finals, that he stops by your desk, letting out a whispered, “I’m disappointed in you, Y/N,”

Kiyoomi hears, and it calls his attention towards your paper before even his own. His eyes widened.

A big, fat, red 0 marked at the top of your quiz.

“Y/N-”

“Are you happy now, Number 1?” you ask, still looking down at your paper.

He’s about to ask you what the hell you’re talking about before the bells conveniently cut him off, allowing you to take off without a second glance back at him.

His mind is caught up on your words, Number 1. Kiyoomi has never brought up his disdain regarding the rankings to you, ever. Yes, it bothered him at first. But eventually he didn’t mind it, since the only person he’d ever allow to be above him is you.

Kiyoomi thinks back on any time he’s ever mentioned it before he remembers the one time he had ever verbally brought it up to anyone. But there was no way… unless.

Fuck, Sakusa thinks as the bright red 100 on his paper stares back at him. It mocked him, poking at his head uncomfortably. Without a second thought, he crumbles the paper before stuffing it into his bag. Kiyoomi had finally gotten back what he’s been working for this whole time, so why does he feel empty?

Kiyoomi realizes then that while you may have lost your Rank 1 position, he was the true loser. Because he didn’t have you.

———

He finds himself at your door before he even knows it. He’s giving an excuse of “she left her notebook,” to your parents as they direct him to where your room is.

When he finally walks in, he’s shocked. Your room is clean.

Even as you lay in your bed so peacefully, the space around you is clean, and he feels like it’s safe to walk in.

“Y/N,” is his first attempt at waking you up, before he’s walking closer to your bed, crouching down a bit to pat your back, “Y/N,” again.

It’s by the fourth or fifth time that he calls your name that you finally look up at him, and you look heavenly.

He’s always known you were pretty, but even more so now you were gorgeous, hair messy, eyes droopy with sleepiness. You were perfect.

Your eyes blink a couple times before you look like you’ve processed who is standing before you. Quickly sitting up, hands moving every which way to fix your appearance, “Omi- I mean Sakusa what are- what do you want?”

Ouch.

“You need to leave, I-I don’t want to see you,” your voice is beginning to tremble and it hurts him, “You finally got what you wanted, I don’t know what more you want,”

“You, I want you,”

Your face drops in disbelief, “No, you don’t. I heard you, what you said,”

“Y/N-”

“No, you hurt me, Kiyoomi. I like you,” you cry, “You can’t just say all of that and then show up out of nowhere claiming otherwise,”

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he’s kneeling now, allowing him to be the same height as you as you sit in your bed, weeping, “I-I’m sorry,”

His rough thumb smoothes away your tears as they fall, “I didn’t mean it, I was frustrated- and that’s no excuse for what I said, I fucked up really bad,” with every word another sob breaks loose from you, “And I’m sorry,”

“At first, all I ever wanted was to be rank #1, but then you came along and changed everything… Then I realized that it wasn’t being #1 I wanted, it was you,” he continues, “and that’s scary, because my ranking was all I’ve known all these years,”

“But even so, you made it okay. I was okay with being #2, I was so caught up in you that I forgot I ever wanted to be #1 in the first place,” your eyes finally meet behind the thick tears in your lashes, “I like you, Y/N,”

He can tell you’re at a loss for words. And for once he can finally say he has out-talked you.

Until finally, you decide words aren’t sufficient in this situation. Before he knows it, you’re leaning forward, and your lips are on his. The kiss is short, but definitely more than a peck. But it felt infinite to Kiyoomi. He never wanted the moment to end, and found himself sad as you finally pulled away.

You stared him down for a brief second before tackling him down to the ground in a big hug, “I hate you, Omi,” you laugh angrily.

“Sure,” he smugly replies, watching as you smile into his shirt.

“My number one,” you sarcastically mutter as you fake pout at him.

He cringes, “Ugh, don’t. I feel guilty, why would you even do that? You’re crazy,”

“Because I don’t care about the ranking. I never did. Plus it somehow only dropped me to #2 since the rest of our class failed and I’ve taken too many extra classes,” you say, “I only cared about you,”

Kiyoomi smiles at you before crushing you in his hug.

Everything came easy for Kiyoomi. Especially now, his feelings for you.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #sakusa x reader #hq angst #sakusa angst #haikyuu x reader angst #sakusa fanfic #haikyuu fanfic #raeworks #sakusa x reader angst

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wosospacegirl · 19 days ago

Note

loved the latest alexia fic haha

i had an idea for us stem girlies (not wanting to study virology btw, so fkn real)

i was thinking a kika fic where readers a bio/stem student & is trying to teach kika something & likewise kika (and the rest of the younger barça girls) tries to teach r football

Summary: Y/N’s been buried in virus replication pathways for hours. Kika’s had enough.

A/N: for the STEM girls who haven’t seen the sun in 3 business days and need a footballer girlfriend to drag them outside - Everything written here was taken from my own notes...I hope they are right, or else it means I failed my own exam.

Y/n had been studying for what felt like seven years straight.

Realistically, it had only been four hours, but time blurred somewhere between drawing replication cycles and muttering the difference between RNA-dependent RNA polymerase and reverse transcriptase.

Kika had been patient. She really had. She brought her water, kissed her temple, and even sat silently nearby, scrolling through TikTok while Y/n ranted about capsids and envelope proteins.

But now it was too much.

“...and that’s why enveloped viruses are more susceptible to disinfectants,” Y/n concluded, still scribbling away. “You would’ve thought that the envelope would make them more resistant, right?”

There was a beat of silence.

“You realise we were just talking about lunch?” Kika said.

Y/n blinked. “Were we?”

“You brought up protein bars, and then somehow transitioned into protein coats. Again. That’s like the third time.”

“Okay, but it’s actually a really–”

“No.”

Kika stood up with the kind of quiet menace only a very tired girlfriend could summon.

“You need to get out of this apartment.”

“I’m busy! I have an exam, Francisca.”

“You need to touch some grass.”

Y/n gasped, clutching her notes to her chest.

“You sound like my mom.. Are you okay? Did a neurodegenerative virus get to your brain?” Y/n squinted her eyes, talking in a very mysterious and suspicious voice. “It could be rabies.”

Kika raised an eyebrow. “Por favor, put on some gym clothes.”

“No.”

“You’re coming with me to the training ground.”

“I’m not playing football.”

“You are, just a bit. You’re going to run, breathe some fresh air. Maybe learn how to use your legs again.”

Y/n narrowed her eyes. “I feel like you want to sabotage my academic life.”

Kika deadpanned, “I just want to have a normal conversation with my girlfriend again.”

Half an hour later, Y/n was in mismatched gym clothes, standing awkwardly on the sidelines of the Barça training pitch while Kika passed her a ball.

“Okay,” Kika said. “Basics. Pass it back.”

Y/n kicked it directly into Kika’s shin.

Kika didn’t even flinch. “Right. That was bad.”

“Yeah, well,” Y/n muttered. “I use my brain, not my feet.”

“You used your foot just now,” Kika deadpanned. “You’re just not good at keeping control of it.”

Before Y/n could come up with a scathing reply involving cortical motor neurons, a trio of voices interrupted from behind her.

“Hi amiga,” Jana grinned, jogged up with Pina and Vicky flanking her. “That pass was criminal.”

“Terrible,” Vicky added.

Pina nodded solemnly. “You’re bad, bad.”

Y/n crossed her arms. “Wow, thank you. So much support.”

Kika smirked from the sidelines.

“She made me come here,” Y/n gestured vaguely toward her girlfriend, “because apparently I’m ‘studying too much’ and need to ‘go outside like a normal person.’”

The girls blinked.

“What are you studying?” Jana asked.

Y/n brightened instantly, like a switch flipped.

“Oh! I'm doing an exam on virus replication pathways, and it’s super interesting because…wait–okay, so you know HIV, right?”

All three nodded slowly, unsure where this was going.

“Well, it’s a retrovirus, which means it uses reverse transcriptase to turn its RNA into DNA inside the host cell. And that DNA actually integrates into the host’s genome and–wait, let me draw it.”

Somehow, within ten minutes, they’d migrated off the pitch and into the tactical analysis centre.

A whiteboard was pulled over. Y/n commandeered a marker, drawing the double-stranded DNA meticulously.

“This is the viral envelope, this is the capsid, oh, and DpRd-RT is like–the main enzyme you have to remember, alright? So now we have a full DNA–”

Pina was blinking rapidly.

Vicky was furrowing her brows like she was trying to understand it, really trying.

Jana had started taking notes on her phone.

Kika walked in fifteen minutes later, looking for her girlfriend.

“Amor,” Kika said slowly, “why is my team being held hostage by you and– ai meu Deus…is that a virus?”

Y/n turned around, completely unfazed. “I’m teaching them how HIV uses the host's RNA polymerase II to transcribe proviral DNA.”

Kika stared. “...This started with a bad pass.”

“And now it’s a public health seminar!” Y/n grinned. “Honestly? You're welcome.”

#woso fanfic #woso x reader #kika nazareth x yn #kika nazareth #kika nazareth x reader

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hoonieyun · 12 days ago

Text

from the killer's eyes

pairing: sim jaeyun x reader x park sunghoon

warnings: slasher horror movie themes, mentions of death and murder, blood, true crime obsession, psychopathic behavior, possessive and obsessive behavior, violence and horror, profanity, 18+ not proofread

wc: 3143

heeseung looked at you and jay with a certain type of joy. not the type of joy that would spread across the face of a friend seeing you after a long time, happy to spend time with you and to cherish that moment– no. it was a type of joy that was laced with something sinister. like he had been waiting for this moment specifically, standing about you and jay, a sick smile on his face while the hunter’s knife reflects the light coming from the moon.

it was something straight out of a horror movie. the unsuspecting new friend in town who just miraculously turns out to be the person behind all of the terror and slashings that has plagued you and your friends for the last few months. a part of you didn’t want to believe heeseung, he seemed innocent but maybe that was your own fault. you never really got to know him and maybe if you had been a little more open to truly become his friend then maybe he wouldn’t have done all of this.

but considering his sick and sadistic words rang throughout the room and how excited he seemed to carry out all of these murders; you doubt that being his friend would’ve stopped any of this.

“how’d you do it..” you asked, cutting him off mid-sentence as he was talking about the different ways he was considering killing you and jay. you had tuned him out at some point as you ran through the different things floating in your mind. was escape a possibility? should you and jay fight back? or should you just accept your fate..

heeseung stops his tangent to look at you, his eyes widening at your question as he gets prepared to tell you his antics. eagerness pours from him at the thought of sharing the horrors of his mind with you in full detail on how he killed your friends– taking a break from going over the details of how he plans to kill you and jay in the meanwhile.

“well, you see.. it took a lot of planning. we- i, had to study you very close, yn. you’re not an easy person to find since you’re pretty private but a little tiktok of you and sunghoon popped up one time and it was like fate..

i’d found you and i found a way to get to you. your boyfriend.” heeseung says, twiddling with the knife in his hands. he walks back and forth before continuing.

“wonyoung.. she was pretty; it's sad she had to go but i needed to make a statement. i knew that night was perfect and because i was ‘trashed’ and you guys thought i had passed out somewhere, that was the perfect time to do it.

we knew she already didn’t want to go to that party and it wasn’t for the reasons she told you guys. whatever it was she said, it doesn’t matter because it was just a lie. wonyoung was the first one to get one of our little texts. i told her that if she came to the party that night that i’d expose her.

did you know daddy’s money got her into the school? i mean wonyoung was smart but with a little push from daddy’s checkbook, she somehow got put at the top of the academic list as a freshman. something no freshman has ever done in all of decelis history.

imagine how shocked everyone would be to know that decelis’ star student, jang wonyoung, had to bribe her way into the top of the school– not just our graduating class, but the whole school.

embarrassing” he says with a sing-song like tone.

a small smirk is on heeseung lips as he ponders on that for a moment. jay was stiff as a log next to you and every now and then you’d send him a glance to make sure he was fine but also to see if he was catching onto the things heeseung was saying that you were catching onto.

“then, there was your brother.” heeseung says, plopping down on one of the chairs in the living room. “you know i would’ve thought he’d be a little more like you, yn. you’re smart and have a natural instinct for survival. intak, however… not so much.

he was pretty easy to kill. i mean, he practically walked into his own death.”

heeseung’s words struck something inside of you as you lunged upwards and onto your feet. anger in your eyes as you grit your teeth at him, jay immediately stands next to you. putting an arm in front of you to stop you from getting any closer to the deranged murderer in front of the both of you.

you and jay weren’t particularly the closest but because he was sunghoon’s twin, you spent a lot of time together.

before all of this went down, jay and sunghoon had a conversation about you. he had asked jay to protect you no matter what. he knew it was asking a lot of jay to protect you but he said that god forbid something were to happen to sunghoon, he wished for jay to protect you if he wasn’t there.

jay and sunghoon have a bond only twin siblings have and because he knew how sunghoon felt for you, he made sure to keep his word. telling sunghoon, “sure, but that won’t happen because i’d probably die before you anyway..” his responses was a bit morbid but the two of them laughed it off.

and here you are now.

jay protecting you just as he promised his twin brother who has been missing for the better part of the night. he could only hope that sunghoon managed to escape and get help somehow, but a part of him knew that wasn’t true.

when heeseung notices you jump up from your cowardly position, he’s instantly standing, pointing his blade towards you with a teasing but threatening smile. “uh uh, not so fast. we haven’t even got to the good part.” heeseung says, gesturing his knife downwards like he was motioning for you and jay to sit back down– to which you did.

“where was i.. ah, right. well, poor little intak got one of the texts. all it took was some threats about how i’d kill you and if he didn’t want that to happen to meet me at the dance studio at a specific time. honestly i thought it wasn’t going to work because it was just an empty threat, i wasn’t planning on killing you.

not yet, at least.

but to my surprise, intak showed up… and i couldn’t have been more happy to see his face run pale as he met his demise. i even showed myself to him for fun because it’s a little more fun to kill someone when they know who did it.”

a chuckle at the end of his sentence has you tightening your jaw and just as you’re about to lunge forward again, jay grabs onto your wrist to prevent you from doing something stupid. you look at him with an aggravated expression but all he does is shake his head. you blink several times before averting your gaze back to heeseung.

“we told him that if he didn’t distance himself from you then we’d kill you. we leveraged his love for his older sister to isolate him from you so it was a lot easier to get to him.”

“fuck you!” you spat at him and it only amused heeseung. like he was watching a small dog bark at a bigger dog as if you could do anything in this situation.

“one question..” jay speaks up for the first time in a while, both you and heeseung glance over to him. an arched brow on heeseung’s face at his words.

“who is.. ‘we’?”

you had realized during heeseung’s stories that he often used the word “we” when he was talking about how he did everything and you were glad that jay had caught onto that but it only sent shivers down your spine knowing that the possibility of heeseung have an accomplice of some sort was becoming more and more of a real thing instead of a theory.

“what? you don’t think i could fucking do all of this myself?!” heeseung’s voice booms throughout the room and it causes you and jay to flinch, afraid that jay’s question might’ve ticked him off to the point where he’d just gut the two of you right then and there.

but he didn’t.

“fine.. i didn’t do this all by myself. i had a friend.” heeseung says, the same sinister smile back on his lips and as if on cue; a dark, hooded, and shadowy figure emerges from the hall behind heeseung. the person was wearing clothes similar to heeseung, a cloak of sorts that allowed them to blend into the shadows and darkness of the night. a dark piece of fabric shrouds their face to hide their identity.

your blood runs cold as you see the person. a second killer was tormenting all of you this whole time and you had no clue. your hope of using your number advantage against heeseung was now an even playing field, if you could even call it that since you and jay had nothing to go for yourselves and the killers had knives that have met the blood of your friends.

“i wish i could’ve done this all by myself, it would’ve been a cooler story but i had to enlist the help of a good friend of mine. remember that little tiktok of yours that i saw which led me to finding you.?” heeseung said tauntingly.

“sunghoon?” you ask, looking over to the other person standing beside heeseung. your heartbeat was starting to pick up at the thought of your boyfriend being the other person behind all of the murders. you trusted him, there was no way it could be him, right?

a chuckle emerges from the person as their hand reaches over the fabric and in one swift movement, when the dark cloth is pulled away, it reveals, “jake?” you gasp, eyes widen and mouth ajar at the sight of your best friend who you thought was killed all those weeks ago.

“what the fuck, man?” jay says, shock surging through the both of you at the big reveal. he smiles at you and waves his fingers, “hey, pretty girl.” he says, smiling at you like it was some big reunion to be happy about when in reality, seeing jake like this was a lot harder than having to see him lifeless in a casket.

you tried to muster up some words to ask him why but you were in so much shock that nothing managed to come out of your lips. “bet you have a lot of questions, huh?” jake asks and you don’t respond. anger was an understatement. seeing your best friend alive and well was a different thing. you had already mourned him and the idea of mourning someone who not only was alive but also the reason you’ve had to mourn so many people made you feel sick.

“i’ll tell you what, pretty girl- don’t patronize me!” you scoff, interrupting him as he speaks to you as if everything was fine. you could barely recognize jake, he looked the same, maybe even more muscular than the last time you saw him but he had a different air around him. a type of aura that makes your skin crawl and your throat dry.

“calm down. wouldn’t wanna hurt yourself, now do we?” he teases and it made you feel even angrier that he was so nonchalant about this. like it was just some game and he wasn’t taking anything seriously. “let me tell you all about it, i’m sure you’re curious in that pretty little head of yours..

it’s no surprise that i didn’t like your boyfriend. it pissed me off that he had all your attention, he practically fucking stole you from me. i’ve loved you for so long and when i was finally ready to tell you how i feel, you just had to fucking introduce me to that fucker..” he says, using the dull end of his blade to scratch his head.

“that’s my brother you’re talking about, you fucker!” jay yells and now it was your turn to pull him back to stop him from doing something that could end drastically.

“cut the shit, jay. you’re lucky to even be alive right now, so back the fuck up or else i’ll finish off what i should’ve done in the hospital.” jay didn’t want to budge but he ultimately lets you pull him back into the small corner of the living room. a somewhat safe space for you both as if it provided any actual safety.

“i fucking loved you, yn.. i still do and i just needed to get rid of sunghoon for you to realize that you love me too. i can tell you about all the things i’ve done to bring us closer but you’ve seen it all first hand.

i did all of this. for you. i love you, yn.” jake says, adoration in his eyes as he explains himself– the idea of your friends being brutally murdered all for the sake of jake’s love for you made you want to vomit.

“jake and i came up with the perfect plan. he’d get the girl and i’d get my perfect true crime story. it’s everything we’ve dreamed of!” heeseung says, a crazed look in his eyes like he was getting closer to the climax of the story. the way he began to start fidgeting with his knife made you feel unsettled, like he was revving his engine to continue the carnage so you mentally prepared yourself for what was to come.

“we decided that i’d fake my death so it was easier for me to kill everyone and not have heeseung get caught so that whenever i killed someone, he would have an alibi. i killed karina, sorry by the way, i was the one who attacked jay and then you, after, at the hospital.

don’t worry, my love. i wasn’t going to kill you; just a little bit of a scare, ok?” he says, as if that was going to make it any better.

as he’s running through his explanation all you could think of was the fact that sunghoon was probably long gone. jake or heeseung probably got to him at some point in the night and you aren’t even going to be able to see him one last time before jake or heeseung takes your life like they did everyone else.

“the plan was to emerge as the hero, i’d actually been alive this whole time and was just held hostage. i’d save you from heeseung and he’d be immortalized as the decelis killer and everyone would know his name while you and me, the best friends turned lovers would survive and live a long and happy life together. we’d be forever bonded by bloodshed..

the cherry on top? well..” he says, while walking over to one of the closests in the hall. a thud and muffled groans can be heard as jake drags a body over, holding him upright onto his knees while placing the knife to his neck.

a sob breaks from your lips at the sight of sunghoon. he was bruised and beaten, darkness on his skin surrounding his eyes and forehead. he was tied up and had a gag in his mouth. “say hi to your little boyfriend, yn.” jake says.

“i was going to kill sunghoon here and frame him for the murders too. heeseung would corroborate the story and say they were working together the whole time but… i knew that you’d never love me the way you love sunghoon so we had to make a little adjustment.

heeseung would still take the blame for all of this but i’d still be the hero. emerging from all of the murders to be able to tell the tale as i escaped from being held hostage to save my friends and the girl i loved from the crazed killers, only to be too little too late.”

jake swallows, standing upright with his knife still slightly pressing into the skin of sunghoon’s neck. “so that means i’ve gotta kill you too. you understand right, my love?”

this sentence alone seems to set off everyone in the room as you erupt with anger, “fuck you!” you shout and in the same moment, jake winds his arm to slice sunghoon but he manages to shove jake enough so that the blade misses his neck and lands on his shoulder instead. he falls over with a thud and tears begin to line your eyes. “run..” sunghoon whispers and although you don't want to leave him, you grab jay’s arm and use the moment of chaos as a distraction to try and make a run for it.

your hand loses jay at some point while trying to shove past heeseung and jake, separating the two of you. you find yourself running away from jake who was hot on your trail as you run through the house. each door you tried was locked, unable to find a place to hide and come up with a plan; you decide to stop running and face him. jake stands several feet away at the end of the hall. your eyes momentarily avert to the stairway just a few feet away.

“stop running, yn. just face it, this is meant to be. you’ll die by my hand and even though i’d rather live a happy life with you. this has to happen and it will.” jake says, sliding his knife on the wall as he saunters closer to you.

you swallow the dryness in your throat before making your move.

“come and get me, fucker.” you say before quickly switching the light off in the hallway and running towards the stairwell. it leaves jake stunned for a moment as he didn’t expect that but he’s quick to react and after hearing your footsteps make their way up the stairs, he’s fast on your trail again and chasing you to the upper level of the house.

unfortunately for you, jake knew the ins and outs of this house as he was the one who found it and presented it to heeseung when everyone was looking for a new place to live. the hunt was on and jake was going to find you sooner or later. no matter where you hid, he’d find you so you needed to buy some time by running and stalling to come up with a plan.

“you can run all you want, sweetheart. i’ll get you eventually.”

back - masterlist - next

killer's journal: shocked? i bet you are.. you know what they say, love can make you do crazy things. and my love for yn wasn't even the craziest thing inside of me. heeseung loved the thrill and was obsessed with the kill, me? jake? i was obsessed with yn. and i'd do anything to make her mine. -sjy

hoonieyun notes: ahhh first chapter back after being gone a for a few months.. sorry again for disappearing but thank u for staying with me and waiting!! i'll be finishing do you trust me? and is he mr right? and starting a new story later in the spring. thank you!!! please enjoy the rest of this series :3

copyright 2025 - present © hoonieyun all rights reserved all writing here is fiction & not in any association with characters mentioned. if you enjoyed reading this please consider reblogging and following <3

ᡣ•.•𐭩♡ @pagemiah @jiiyen @jnysaln @xh01bri @rairaiblog @laurradoesloveu @manaah02 @zorange13 @firstclassjaylee @kristynaaah @17ericas @heeseung64 @leipforggy

@wildtigerlili @mydearyeseo @hoonielvv @leehsngs @immelissaaa @skyearby @shuichi-sama @herrymxxnie @notab1tchwho @minfolio @theothernads @janjoonty @yunthejin @honeyedfate

#kiki diaries #enhypen #en-diaries #kpop #kpop au #kpop fic #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #enha #fanfiction #enhypen au #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x reader #park sunghoon x reader #sunghoon x reader #park sunghoon #sim jaeyun #jake x reader #sim jaeyun x reader

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glowettee · 1 month ago

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you don’t need "motivation" to get things done (and how to prove it to yourself) ✧˖°

post 1 post 2 post 3 post 4

okay, can we get one thing straight?: waiting for motivation to magically appear is like waiting for a text back from someone who’s obviously not that into you. sometimes it shows up when you least expect it, and sometimes it just... doesn’t. but here’s the thing: motivation is overrated. you don’t actually need it to get things done, especially when finals are creeping up and you just can’t afford to procrastinate. i'm going to break down why motivation isn’t the key and how to actually start working without it.

𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚞𝚙 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚕 ✧˖°

motivation is unpredictable. it comes in waves, like when you suddenly feel inspired to plan your entire week at 2 a.m. or when you’re pumped to study after watching one (1) academic vlog. but motivation is an emotion, and emotions change. one minute you’re ready to conquer the world, and the next, you just want to lie on the floor and scroll through tiktok.

instead of relying on something as inconsistent as motivation, focus on building habits. habits don’t care if you’re feeling inspired... they just happen because you’ve trained your brain to do them automatically. the secret is to make productivity a routine, not something that requires hype.

𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢, 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 ✧˖°

➼ make your to-do list tiny and non-threatening honestly, sometimes just looking at a long list of tasks is enough to make you want to give up before you even start. break it down into the tiniest steps possible. instead of “study biology chapter 5,” write “open biology textbook,” “read the first paragraph,” “highlight one sentence.” sounds silly, but your brain loves crossing things off, no matter how small.

➼ the 5-minute rule tell yourself you only have to work for five minutes. that’s it. no pressure to finish an entire chapter or write a full essay, just five minutes. most of the time, you’ll end up continuing because getting started is the hardest part. but even if you only do those five minutes, that’s progress.

➼ set up your workspace like a ritual this might sound weird, but romanticizing the setup makes it easier to get into the zone. light a candle, put on some lo-fi or classical music, make a cup of tea. your brain will start to associate that vibe with “okay, it’s time to work.” the more you repeat this little ritual, the easier it becomes to just start without overthinking it.

𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚍𝚞𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚌 ✧˖°

➼ pair tasks with habits you already have habit stacking is genius. pair a new productive habit with something you already do every day. for example, if you always have a cup of coffee in the morning, make that the time you do a quick 5-minute review of your notes. your brain will connect the two activities, making it feel more natural.

➼ use environmental cues change your environment just a little bit when you need to focus. even just moving to a different corner of your room, putting on your glasses, or wearing a specific hoodie can signal to your brain that it’s time to study. it’s kind of like tricking your mind into productivity mode.

showing up, even when it’s messy ✧˖°

you don’t need to have your life perfectly together to be productive. i promise you. everyone has days when they just feel off. but the difference between people who get stuff done and those who don’t isn’t motivation, it’s showing up regardless.

➼ stop waiting for the “perfect” moment there’s never going to be a moment where you feel 100% ready. you’re always going to have some stress, some doubt, or some distraction. just start messy. give yourself permission to do a half-hearted job at first. it’s better than not starting at all.

➼ focus on progress, not perfection your brain will always convince you that if you’re not doing something perfectly, it’s not worth doing at all. challenge that mindset. doing a messy 20-minute study session is still better than not studying at all. make it a rule to aim for progress, not perfection.

𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚒𝚙𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎 > 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 ✧˖°

people make discipline sound like this harsh, almost militaristic concept, but it’s actually just about consistency. it’s not punishing yourself; it’s respecting your own goals enough to follow through, even when you don’t feel like it.

➼ create a non-negotiable routine instead of asking yourself, “do i feel like studying right now?”, because the answer will probably be no. create a routine that you stick to no matter what. for example, set a rule that every day after lunch, you study for 30 minutes. don’t think about it, just do it.

➼ don’t make productivity an event treating productivity as something monumental only makes it scarier. it doesn’t have to be a whole thing. just showing up to your desk and doing something, even a little, keeps the momentum going.

𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 ✧˖°

you know that feeling when you don’t want to go to the gym, but once you’re there, you’re like, “okay, i’m here, might as well work out”? same thing with studying. prove to yourself that motivation isn’t required by just showing up and starting. once you’re in it, it’s way less daunting and scary.

➼ celebrate tiny wins even if you just read one page or write a single paragraph, acknowledge that. the more you reward your brain for even the smallest efforts, the easier it becomes to do it again tomorrow.

➼ journal about your progress keep a small log of what you did each day. it could just be one sentence like, “studied chem for 15 minutes.” looking back on that list will make you realize you’re actually doing more than you think, which is super motivating on days when you feel stuck.

𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚢’𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚒𝚙𝚜 ✧˖°

➼ find your “why” remind yourself why you’re doing this. not just the surface-level stuff, but the deeper reason. is it to feel proud of yourself? to secure your future? to make your family proud? put that reason somewhere you can see it when you’re working.

➼ treat yourself like you would a friend if your friend was struggling to study, you wouldn’t call them lazy. you’d encourage them. be kind to yourself. sometimes just showing up is enough. give yourself credit for trying, even if it’s not perfect.

𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 ✧˖°

motivation might be what gets you started, but discipline is what keeps you going. stop romanticizing motivation as the key to success, it’s way too inconsistent. instead, focus on building small, consistent habits that don’t rely on feeling inspired. remember, you just need to start.

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opiopal · 10 months ago

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Imagine the demon brothers with an Mc who can’t help but overwork themselves finally crashing,(and fr studying like that one girl on tiktok that’s always pulling an all nighter for tests and finals)

It was finals at rad, and Mc CANNOT let themselves get anything less than perfect. They’re a straight A student both in the human realm and devildom, so there is no way a few measly tests were going to change that.

At this point the brothers have learned to stay out of Mc’s way, especially after pacts were formed. Trying to force Mc to take a break is impossible because they’ll order them away. They are so determined to be academically perfect in everything that they turn from their usual sweet and caring self to throwing heavy books to get people to leave them alone if necessary. Their determination really shines through when it comes to things like studying.

So now the best they can do is leave snacks and drinks and offer their company as Mc hunches over their desk surrounded by empty energy drink cans like some sort of gremlin.

Once finals were announced the brother knew they wouldn’t see much of Mc out of their room or the library until they were over, so once finals were done and Mc proudly had gotten a 100% on every single one of their tests, they were all ready to spend time with them!!!

But when the weekend came Mc didn’t come down for breakfast, or for any snacks, or lunch, and by the time dinner was approaching it got extremely concerning.

So of course they go and check up on Mc to make sure they didn’t die or anything, and not only was Mc completely fine, but they were completely passed out, face down on their bed, halfway falling off, RAD uniform still on, their left shoe handing off their heel with the other thrown to the side somewhere, hair a mess, and snoring like a lawn mower.

So, the brothers just go into full blown care taker mode after realizing that their human is this exhausted, Lucifer is able to wake them up, asmo runs them a bath and gives them a facial, scalp massage, mani pedi, and literally everything and anything that would relax them and loosen their muscles and joints. Beel and mammon go do a food run, they both make sure to get Mc’s favorite snacks, soda’s, and treats and Beel helps to carry everything back(while also resisting the VERY strong urge to eat it all.), satan probably sneaks a cat inside for Mc while everyone is rushing around, and to wrap it all up Belphie makes sure they comfortably get back to sleep with pleasant dreams.

Lucifer ends up getting Mc’s weekend extended after talking with Diavolo. of course Mc is told that it’s there’s sort of Devildom holiday, which is why there’s no school for a few extra days.

#obey me #obey me mc #obey me mammon #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me leviathan #obey me lucifer #obey me belphegor #obey me satan #obey me diavolo #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me fluff #obey me imagines

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adascore · 1 year ago

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Distraction | L. Oberdorf

pairing: lena oberdorf x girlfriend!reader

warnings: uni work lol. kissing.

author's note: inspired by lena’s tiktok with lea :) the cutest duo, cant wait to see them play together at bayern.

masterlist

''Obi, I just need to finish this. Give me a few more minutes.''

''No, I've been waiting for too long.''

This was how it had been for the past hour, Lena trying to coax her girlfriend into giving up her university work to watch a movie with her, but the midfielder hadn't had much success so far.

Y/N sighed loudly. ''I am almost done, I promise.''

''You have been saying that for an hour now, babe, I am bored.'' She retorted, her frustration evident as she tried to sneakily grab her girlfriend's laptop, only to have her hands swatted away.

''Off, Oberdorf! I swear…''

''I just want to watch a movie with my girlfriend, that can't be much to ask.'' Lena continued whining, clinging onto her partner like a koala.

Y/N would have normally chuckled at her antics, if it wasn't interrupting her task to review an important chapter that would be covered in her class the next day. ''And I just want to review this stupid chapter, that can't be much to ask.'' She mocked the German, imitating Lena's facial expression.

The Wolfsburg player begrudgingly removed herself from her girlfriend's body, settling on the other side of the couch with a loud huff. Though she hoped her dramatic display would garner sympathy from Y/N, she soon realized that her partner was too engrossed in her studies to pay her much attention.

As the student continued to read through the assigned academic text, she heard some faint audio coming from her girlfriend's phone. However, she decided to simply ignore it and get through the grueling reading she had to do.

But as Lena turned up the volume of her device, the sound became increasingly louder, disrupting Y/N's concentration. She would have been more tolerant if it weren't for the fact that the same part of the song was being repeated over and over again.

She cast a glance towards the footballer, not looking particularly happy as she had to pause her activity again. ''Obi, what are you doing?''

''Making a TikTok.'' She answered, mumbling as she was focused on her phone.

''Can you do that in another room, please?'' Y/N asked, trying to not let her frustration be too audible in her voice.

Lena shook her head. ''No, I really need to do it in here.''

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows at the response, sending a pointed look in Lena's direction. Despite her irritation, she remained rooted to the couch, unwilling to give in to her disruption by relocating to another room.

About a minute later, she saw in her peripheral vision how Lena held up the phone in the air, seemingly filming the pair on the couch.

''Obi…'' She warned her partner, but Lena continued lip syncing to the audio, though she moved the camera back so she was only filming herself.

Y/N let out a breath of relief when the music stopped, her annoyance slowly withering away.

After what felt like an eternity, she finally closed her laptop, her reading session complete. With a stretch and a satisfied sigh, she pushed herself up from her spot on the couch and made her way over to Lena's side.

''I'm done, what movie do you wanna watch?'' She asked the midfielder, laying her head on Lena's shoulder.

Lena gave her a grumpy look, acting as if she didn't want anything to do with her at that moment. Y/N could see the cracks of a smile beginning to form at the corners of her lips, though her girlfriend was trying really hard to suppress it. ''Don't know…'' She muttered in an innocent tone, pretending she hadn't been whining for the past hour.

Y/N placed a gentle kiss on her neck, a smirk on her face. ''Too bad, maybe my other girlfriend would love to watch a film with me.'' She teased, continuing to peck her neck and collarbones.

Lena swallowed, her facade slowly falling apart. ''Hmm, maybe. Or do you keep her waiting as well?''

Her partner chuckled, her fingers tracing gentle patterns on Lena's arm. ''She doesn't mind being patient, it's what I love about her so mu-''

''Okay, that's enough! Let's watch that new romantic comedy I told you about.'' Lena interrupted, playfully pushing Y/N away from her, before wrapping her arms around her and attacking her face with kisses.

Y/N grinned, amused by Lena's subtle jealousy over a nonexistent person. ''Nice.''

Lena's hand found its way onto her girlfriend's thigh, while Y/N nestled into her side, resting her head on the German's shoulder once again. ''Comfy?'' Lena asked, glancing down with a soft smile.

Y/N nodded. ''Always.'' She responded, briefly lifting Lena's hand up from her thigh and pressing a quick kiss to her knuckles.

While Lena searched for the film on their tv, Y/N remembered the video she had been filming while she still had been busy with reading. ''What were you filming earlier, by the way?''

''Oh,'' Lena laughed, recalling the TikTok she had made. She retrieved her phone out of her pocket, opening said social media app. ''This.''

The footballer put the screen in front of her, the text on the video reading: Me when my girlfriend has to do uni work instead of watching a movie with me.

''Obi, that's such an unflattering angle!'' Y/N exclaimed, watching herself in the short video.

''What are you talking about, you look cute!'' Lena protested, zooming in on her form, clearly not seeing anything wrong with it.

Her girlfriend rolled her eyes, but let it go. ''You're gonna post that?'' She curiously inquired.

Lena shrugged her shoulders. ''Only if you're fine with it. People always ask me to make more TikToks with you.'' She answered.

''It's okay- you gotta give the people what they want.'' Y/N winked, leaning forward to place a kiss on Lena's cheek.

''True,'' the midfielder blushed, ''and I want to watch a movie with you now.'' She diverted from the topic, putting the phone back where it came from.

''What Obi wants, Obi gets.'' Y/N teasingly added.

Lena gave her a side glance. ''After an hour…''

''Oh, don't ruin the vibes!''

#woso x reader #woso fanfics #woso imagine #lena oberdorf x reader #woso fic #woso fics

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19catsncounting · 9 months ago

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I Got Really Into Anti/Proship Discourse And Read +30 Academic Studies - My Findings

(It’s a Yapfest but the whole post is a very long essay and study on morality and fiction and children’s safety and rape culture with a fuckton of freely accessible academic articles and resources on the subject, and I want to talk to other people about it. For a shorter abstract with all the articles and more easily ignored yapping, see my shiny new Carrd:)

It’s been a little shocking lately to have certain discussions with some parts of fandom. I spoke about shipping/harassment and how that contributes to the death of fandom on TikTok assuming that younger folks are just really, really intense about preventing sexual violence, but the more I saw the words “morally wrong” and “disgusting” and “addiction,” the more I thought about this guy-

That’s Jerry Falwell, and I fucking hate this dead guy. You see, Jerry Falwell was a preacher who hated porn, feminism, and homosexuality. And I'm seeing his rhetoric and reworked quotes a lot.

Jerry would say stuff like:

“Pornography hurts anyone who reads it - garbage in, garbage out.”

“Someone must not be afraid to say ‘moral perversion is wrong.’ If we do not act now, homosexuals will ‘own’ America!”

Jerry wanted people to believe that it’s possible to see so much sexual content that it warps your sexuality, because he was gay and wanted to think that was due to thinking about gay sex too much. Jerry did not have a lot of evidence to prove that homosexuality was harmful, so he relied heavily on how “morally distasteful” it seemed to be to suburban Americans.

I spent the majority of my teen years arguing against Jerry’s rhetoric for the right to live as a lesbian online, and I never thought I’d see morality rhetoric in people I’m otherwise very politically aligned with. And I definitely never thought fandom of all things, in all its beautiful subversive glory, would seriously start advocating for censorship, anti-porn, and to consume fanwork with moral purity.

So, I’d like to have a deeper discussion on it, both here on Tumblr and on TikTok, but that does mean checking a few things at the door:

Personal feelings decide your personal life. What you feel is valid for you, not anyone else.

In general, things that do not cause direct and undeniable harm should not be broadly prohibited just because they’re weird or distasteful to the majority of folks. Ex. Loitering does not cause harm and is a tool of systemic oppression.

The discussion of “fictional CSEM” is the most inflammatory fork of this and it is often used to derail these kinds of conversations. This is all I will say on it - the legal status of explicit visual depictions of minors is muddy. In the US, there is just one dude in Utah who pled guilty for possessing explicit lolicon he bought by mail order without also possessing CSEM with real children, and explicit writing about fictional minors has been settled as protected free speech. Dedicated organizations from the NCMEC to Chris Hansen have asked that fictional content is not reported as CSAM as it is not actionable and clogs up finite resources. 90% of NCMEC reports were not actionable last year. There are studies suggesting that virtual CSEM or other non-victim alternatives could reduce actual child harm, but there is need for further research.

We’re all in agreement that untagged NSFW is not cool, and kids deserve kid-only sections of the internet. People who are triggered by or dislike problematic content deserve to be able to not see it. 👍

(I’ve seen the argument that blocking tags/people should not be required - sorry, PTSD still requires that you manage your triggers, up to and including swearing off platforms just as I have sworn off bars/soap brands/etc to avoid my triggers.)

I have found a lot of accessible and free articles and studies that I will link throughout so that we can discuss the fact-based reasoning, in an effort to have a civil conversation.

(Also because we are not flat earthers, we are Fandom, and if we’re going to be annoying little shitheels in an “Um Actually” contest, we’re going to have the sources to back it up.)

Minors and Explicit Material

I’m not supporting minors engaging with explicit material. I have such little interest in the subject that I’m not even going to bring in articles, but you can feel free to. I personally engaged with explicit material as a preteen of my own free will and did not find it to be harmful, and the majority of people throughout human history have been exposed to explicit material at an early age with varying degrees of harm. There are undeniable legal and harm-driven differences between a 12 year old girl looking at Hustler on her own, a 14 year old boy being sent nudes from a grown woman, and a 6 year old viewing PornHub. (And I think the guardians of that 6 year old should be charged with grooming just like the woman, tbh.)

Personal Disclaimer

I’m an adult survivor of CSA and incest. I’m a happily married adult. I don’t personally like lolicon/shotacon/kodocon. I don’t like kids. I don’t like teens. I’m personally not attracted to underage fictional characters. I have family, the idea of fucking any of them makes me want to throw up and die, so I don’t write or read RPF of my family.

I am really, really fucking intense about preventing sexual violence, supporting survivors, and fandom, which is where this all comes from.

I read and love problematic fiction - my favorites are ASOIAF, Lolita, and VC Andrews. The most “problematic” thing I’ve personally written are Lucifer/Michael fics from Supernatural back in 2012. They are “brothers” in CW Christ, not blood. They do not have any blood.

Gen Z and Online Grooming

In 2002, a survey of 1500 minors from 10-17 found that 4% had been solicited for sexual purposes by an adult online.

In 2023, that number increased to 20%.

While the linked 2023 Thorn report suggests that the vast majority of these inappropriate interactions happened on platforms that allow for interpersonal communication, which by and large minors were greatly discouraged from and had less access to in the early 2000’s, a trauma-informed approach does not allow for blame to fall on the children. The guardians of those children have monumentally failed to restrict and educate before giving children the means to access those platforms.

It is my uncited but personal opinion that the increased rate of grooming, as well as an increased interest in combating rape culture, has led to well-intentioned individuals to become digital vigilantes attacking those who they hold responsible for their traumatic experiences in a search for catharsis and justice denied for themselves as well as a desire to make the internet safer for other children, whom they are increasingly aware are entering online spaces unsupervised at distressingly young ages.

Is harassment and bullying bad for perpetrators of it?

Before we get into how ship-related hate campaigns do not affect predation or combat rape culture, we should acknowledge that it’s actually pretty harmful for the people who cyberbully. Not just in the legal/social consequences, but people who participate in cyberbullying and cyberhate campaigns have higher rates of depression, estrangement from their parents, self-effacing habits, social anxiety, lower empathy, and so forth.

One study suggests that the treatment and prohibitive for cyberbullying, which contributes to a culture of cyberhate and a lower likelihood to report or confront other incidents of harassment or toxicity online, can be combatted with media competency to increase empathy along with other important life skills.

Some Common Pro-Censorship Myths

“Pornography is Addictive/Consumption of Pornography Leads to Increasingly Hardcore Imagery And Ultimately Real-World Violence” - The American Psychological Association does not recognize Porn Addiction as real and the DSM-5 does not classify it as an addiction. Additionally, many methods used in articles claiming that porn is addictive or causes users to seek out more hardcore material were flawed or biased. There is actually some evidence that compulsive porn use, the closest you can get to a porn addiction diagnosis, is associated with shame and the user’s belief that pornography is morally wrong, which sex-negative attitudes encourage.

“Jaws caused shark culling” - That's unfortunately a simplification that ignores a LOT of surrounding context. WW2’s modern naval battles with an increase of ship sinkings and thus contact with sharks prompted the invention and use of shark repellant by aviators and sailors in the 1940’s. The most deadly and famous shark attack of all time was the USS Indianapolis sinking in 1945, which led to 12-150 deaths. The 1974 book Jaws by Peter Benchley, which was the entire basis of the movie, was inspired by One Fucking Dude who started shark hunting tours and overall seemed to have a really immaculate vibe. The interstate highways that finished in the 1950’s increased beach tourism in the 60’s and onwards, inspiring the American surf culture, further increasing the cultural desire to purge sharks for the new swath of beachgoers and their fondness for using surfboards which make them look like seals to sharks. Additionally, 1975’s Jaws inspired a huge desire for education about sharks, and the relationship between problematic media and education will be the core of this yapperoni pizza.

“The Slendermen Killings/Other Fiction Inspired Crimes” - The ACLU states that “There is no evidence that fiction has ever driven a sane person to violence.” Inspired crimes are indeed no less tragic, and thankfully rare, but people who suffer from inability to discern reality and fiction do not necessarily need fiction to commit violence. The “Son of Sam” murder spree was not inspired by a book or movie, but instead Berkowitz’ auditory hallucinations.

“Violent videogames DO cause violence” - After a great deal of funding and study, the American Psychological Association has concluded that teens and younger may have increased feelings of aggression and not necessarily physically violent outbursts as a direct effect, but older teens and young adults do not encounter statistically meaningful rates of aggression.

“Your brain can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality” - Factually incorrect. Children as young as 5 years old can tell the difference, and they can even be more suspicious about “facts” that come from sources they know also host fiction, such as TV shows.

“This stuff shouldn’t be online because it can be used to groom a child” - While I could not find specific statistics on how often pornography is used to desensitize child victims, nor how often that is specifically used in online grooming, and especially not how much of that pornography is made from fictional characters - out of a mixed group of convicted offenders with adult and child victims, 55% of offenders used pornography to manipulate their victim. I would never refute that explicit fanart or fanfic could be used to desensitize a child, but that is by far not the only tool (asking about sexual experiences/identity, making jokes, etc is extremely common grooming behavior), and there is no evidence to suggest that it is used to a statistically significant degree. In my own anecdotal experience, normal vanilla legal pornography is used with far greater prevalence, and there isn’t a similar movement to shame its production for that possibility. Nor should the creators of any material, pornographic or otherwise, share blame in the actions of a predator.

The Fiction Affects Reality Carrd

(No hate to the person who made it, in fact I give props to them for trying to find unbiased sources, I just want to point out that their interpretations of their articles are kinda flawed and one of their studies is a kind of a perfect example on small and culturally biased samples.)

Reading Fiction Impacts Aggressive Behavior - (I cannot access the full study but this article is the primary source used in the Carrd and it goes into detail) - A study showed that 67 university students were more annoyed with a loud buzzer after reading a short story about a physical fight between roommates compared to a story with nonviolent revenge. However, this study was conducted at Brigham Young University, the same campus where we got a whole video series of hot ethical takes like “I’d rather shoot a kitten than drink coffee,” so uh. Yeah. Kind of a prime example on why it’s important to have large and culturally varied sampling. (Another BYU study with 137 BYU students being odd about moral ambiguity in fiction, just because I’m starting to add Dr. Sarah M. Coyne to my list of “Sarah’s That I Dislike.”)

Your Brain on Fiction - a NYT article that describes Theory of the Mind and how fMRIs captured how readers’ minds would light up centers of muscle control when reading sentences like “Peter kicked.” The quote “The brain, it seems, does not make much of a distinction between reading about an experience and encountering it in real life; in each case, the same neurological regions are stimulated” is speaking of motor functions. Emotional centers of the brain were not included in the study.

How Fiction Changes Your World - a Boston Globe article that actually describes how people who read more fiction are more empathetic and tend to believe in a just world. It does not state that the empathy a reader feels for fictional characters extends to corrupting their moral compass. In fact, there’s such a thing as a “fictive license” to explore taboo themes more thoroughly because it is not real - 123 participants were interviewed after watching two actors play the part of detective and murderer being interviewed, and participants who were told it was fake had more varied and inquisitive responses.

The Social Impact of Books - Actually reuses the previous study about the just world, so point remains. Empathy is understanding, not mirroring.

Is Problematic Fiction Good for Survivors of Trauma?

It absolutely depends on the individual.

Writing expressively about traumatic experiences has been shown to be effective to reduce depression, or more effective in reducing dysphoria and anxiety than talking to fellow survivors, and Written Exposure Therapy is broadly prescribed to survivors of trauma, with one study centering on car crash survivors finding that WET resolved their PTSD symptoms and continued to be effective after a year.

In this study, which sadly is not available online but it is too important to leave out completely, survivors of CSA were given fictional novels about CSA and in closely reading and analyzing those stories, were able to understand their own experiences and were indeed drawn to write about their own experiences as well.

Engaging in problematic fiction, like all fiction, allows for consent as well as control. If at any point a survivor does not feel in control or wishes to stop, they can at that instant. They can even rewrite their narratives and take control of their story in fictionalizing and changing the account. They can even try to understand what their abuser felt through fiction, which is helpful considering that the vast majority of survivors had a relationship that had been positive and even loving with their abusers at times.

Is Problematic Fiction Good for Everyone Else?

It again depends on the individual.

Antis might be a little right that most people don't want to read problematic stories. In a study exploring whether fiction can corrode morals, 83% of study participants stated that they would prefer not to read a short story justifying baby murder if they had the choice, even if that exploration isn’t inherently harmful.

This very small sample study of 13 participants discussed how young women interpreted sexual themes in writing, including explicit fanfiction, and how that was beneficial and informative to explore sexual desire and examine healthy and unhealthy relationships in a safe and controlled environment.

This meta-analysis further discusses how problematic and sexual themes in YA literature are useful to illustrate what sexual violence looks like, and begin educational conversations through those depictions to break down harmful myths such as “if she didn’t scream, she wanted it.”

Empowered by the “Fictive License” previously cited, problematic fiction can be beneficial for anyone who desires and is capable of consuming and analyzing it.

This study analyzing abusive aspects of three films - Beauty and the Beast, Twilight, and 50 Shades of Gray - concluded that these abusive themes should be discussed to increase recognition and awareness, not censored based on those problematic themes.

This study of 53 women were asked to read different versions of fictional intimate partner violence flags, or “toxic behavior” like surveillance, control, etc. In every version of the story, whether the female or male had those behaviors either courting or committed, the women recognized the behavior as wrong.

Another study that reading allows for the moral laboratory to explore morality in fiction without decisive impact to corroding moral permissibility.

Is There Ever Any Point Where Fictional Interests Definitively Speak On Someone’s Morality?

In short - not really. Loving Jason Vorhees does not put you at risk of murdering campers as long as you know he’s not real. Writing Wincest does not mean you look forward to family reunions, as long as you know incest isn’t okay in the real world. The real world, where real people are harmed, is where you find the measure of someone’s character.

This Psychology Today article is the best source I could find for quotes from a fantastic book ‘Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head? The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies’ by Brett Kahr regarding taboo sexual fantasies and how they are not only common, but not inherently harmful.

There are people who enjoy problematic media in an entirely nonsexual sense, of course. I myself don’t get off on problematic media - I think it’s just interesting to explore different experiences, and I think that can be revolutionary.

Additionally, fantasies in general have almost always been in the vein of “things you don’t want to really happen in reality.” In a study of 351 asexuals, more than half reported that they fantasize about having sex, but that doesn’t mean that they actually want to. You can fantasize about dating Billie Eilish - it doesn’t mean that you’d be happy dealing with celebrity culture.

(I personally fantasize about the internet being just for adults, but in practice I think that would be incredibly harmful and isolating for at-risk youth and LGBTQ teens) Fantasies always pluck out only the bits of reality that you want to engage with.

If You Get Off On Fictional Kids, You’re Attracted to Something About Them Being Kids

Not inherently, surprisingly. Wearing a schoolgirl uniform is a pretty common roleplay, and it’s not meant to “fool” the participants into thinking they’re indulging in pedophilia. There’s a wealth of emotional and sexual nuance in that specific kink - innocence and virginity play, tilted power dynamics in ‘scolding’ the uniform wearer for dress code violations, even the concept of a sexually provocative “teenager” can be played with without shame, because the world of fetish and fantasy is separated from condonable actions for the vast, vast majority of adults. (The only study I could find on this is this small study of 100 white guys found on Facebook, which itself states it is not definitive, found that while there might be correlation between attraction to children and interest in schoolgirl uniforms, there is no proof of causation. AKA, the rectangular pedophile might indeed like square schoolgirl uniforms, but not everyone - in fact, the majority at nearly 60% in this very survey - that likes square schoolgirl uniforms is a rectangular pedophile.)

Even sexual age play between adults is not indicative of pedophilia because it exists in a setting between two adults who fully understand that the mechanics are completely fake, allowing the power dynamics that would be abusive between an adult and child to be ethically explored.

I don’t have an official-looking study to cite, but I have asked people who like content about underage fictional characters why they do so. Overwhelmingly, a lot of the ones who like underage age gaps like the fantasy of an older and more experienced character taking a younger one under their wing, to have the opportunity to commit violent and blatantly objectifying harm and yet try to create what inevitably does not truly pass as consent, but seems near enough to the characters. Some think that the characters themselves have an interesting chemistry. Some read underage fic and still imagine the characters as adults. Some like to explore the feelings of shame that the older character must feel and how they mentally compartmentalize to go forward with the relationship, and how the younger character found themself in that vulnerable position - which is exploring a harmful situation through fiction to understand how it could play out in real life.

People who like fictional incest like exploring the shameful components of that taboo relationship - and I have seen a lot of works that compare how bad incest could be to other harms, like the Gravecest route in a game with parental cannibalism. And then there are folks who like analyzing the codependency of having one person fulfill every social need - family, friend, lover, AKA Wincest.

What makes a predator if it’s not just sexual attraction?

90% of CSA survivors know their abuser, discrediting the still-entirely-too-popular Stranger Danger myth. And shockingly, only 50% of abusers are pedophiles.

That means 50% of child molesters do not have sexual interest in children because they are children, but they victimized children because they are more accessible in lieu of adult partners, with increased rates of incest.

While I could not find a specific study on the relation between dehumanization/objectification of child victims and child molesters (and if you find one, please send it to me!), this study speaks on dehumanization as a precursor to adult sexual violence.

This study, conducted on convicted child molesters in prison, showed that child molesters tend to fantasize about children while in a negative mood, further contributing to the theory that child victims are dehumanized prior to abuse.

This very small sample study found that in a mixed sample of internet only/contact crime/mixed offenders, offenders who had contact with children had lower rates of fantasizing about children.

In short, half the time a child predator is someone who wants to offend against a child regardless of attraction to the fact they are a child.

Resources To Recognize Grooming/Abuse Victims/Predators

I would absolutely be remiss to not share my collection of resources to help detect signs of abuse/grooming as well as warning signs of a predator who may be targeting elders/women/teens/children:

Darkness 2 Light is a fantastic resource overall, this page details stages and signs of grooming.

RAINN personally helped me through my PTSD journey, and this article detailing the signs of sexual trauma in teenagers is thorough and non-judgemental

Signs of abuse as well as warning signs of predation that does not use gendered language nor play into the Stranger Danger myth.

Education, not Censorship

I think a lot of the energy against taboo content among young people still has a lot to do with the desire to end rape culture. The tools that we Millennial Tumblrinas gave you Gen Z kids were snatches of leftist theory, deplatforming, and voting with your dollar, so it’s reasonable to think that removing taboo content like pedophilia, incest, rape fights rape culture.

It doesn’t.

Rape culture is fought by education. Comprehensive sex education, education about consent. Talking about what consent looks like, what sex can look like, what rape can look like.

There should be more taboo content to talk about these things, to show all the shades it can look like. From a violent noncon to fics that aren’t even tagged as dubcon yet still are in shades that are hard to suss out, we should talk about it.

A Non-Empirical Example Of Good Media Analysis and Education to Combat Rape Culture

Let’s use the example of Daemon and Rhaenyra Targaryen’s relationship in House of the Dragon. Canonically, in both the book and the show, they have a romantic relationship that appears for the most part to be positive (the show being more contentious but I dedicated an aside to Sarah Hess and our beef at the bottom of my Carrd, but feel free to ask how I feel about writing producers with any variation of the name ‘Sarah’) despite an age gap, a sexual relationship that began while Rhaenyra was a minor, and incest - the problematic hat trick if you will.

I have seen anti-Daemyra shippers condemn Daemyra shippers for “Condoning grooming, age gaps, pedophilia, and incest.” Which is not just a broad, inaccurate, and harmful statement, it’s not at all constructive or educational analysis.

It would actually be beneficial to say “Daemon is grooming Rhaenyra as a teenager with gifts, devoted attention that takes advantage of her isolation and vulnerability, frequent nonsexual touches, the extreme desensitization to sexuality in the brothel visit,” etc etc. And even so, it is not useful to say that people cannot still ship the relationship and acknowledge those aspects. They might want to further explore the issues of consent in their dynamic in fiction, they may want to strip away some of them with narrative reimagining. Some might want to ignore the taboos completely and indulge in the fantasy entirely, and some might find the actors hot as hell - AKA, anyone who watches the show.

It’s honestly a little similar to me in how Jerry Falwell would tell his followers not to watch or read or take in any media that dealt with homosexuality unless it was condemning it - even Will & Grace was on Jerry’s shitlist. And so, Jerry’s followers missed out on a lot of media that could have educated them about queerness, could have humanized queer people for them - and that did not make queers go away. Just like ignoring or shutting out media about incest, rape, and other forms of sexual violence doesn’t make those things go away - it just tends to make you less informed, and little less capable of empathy towards people affected by those subjects.

So let’s stop shaming those that ship a complicated dynamic - you get less fanworks exploring those taboos, and less of a discussion overall. You shut down the morality lab of fiction, and to be honest, it’s wet sock behavior.

Some FanFiction Specific Studies

How dubcon fanfiction can flesh out the intricacies and messiness of realistic consent

A review of darkfic written about Harry Potter in 2005 (which, I will personally attest has never been outdone in how profoundly taboo those works were)

Interviews with 11 Self Insert writers who wrote on themes of rape, abuse, control, yandere, etc, and how that was beneficial to some who had experienced sexual violence themselves

Conclusion:

H…holy shit, you actually read all of that?? Congrats dude! That is a lot of time and brain power to dedicate to any one thing!

By the way, I am not really gifted at writing articles or any of that junk, and I tried to make my hyperlexic ass a little more accessible instead of bringing out all the $5 words. I am literally just an autistic who took a couple technical writing classes over a decade ago and really wanted to sort out my thoughts and try to have a platform for discussion. Also, I am really fucking bad at math. I failed two different college level statistics classes twice each. Gun to my head, I could not tell you what a standard deviation is, which is why I worked entirely with the percentages.

And I do want to have a discussion! I would in fact like to not report anyone for sending me gore or death threats or any of that stuff! I don’t think everyone will agree with me, in fact I’m certain that you could find studies that contradict some of mine, and I’d love to discuss them!

I’m sure it will still be tempting to throw around accusations of pedophilia because sometimes, confronting your previously held beliefs is incredibly uncomfortable. If you could not do that, that would be great? I don’t like being compared to someone who profoundly abused me just because I have a different opinion on how to combat rape culture and empower survivors. If you can do that, I’ll do my absolute best to be cheerful and welcoming and respectful as well. 😁

PS - I’m also not really going to be phased if you call me weird or cringe - I am. Always have been. Cringe, weirdness, and autism have made me do and capable of doing some fantastically neat and impressive stuff. But if you try to say something like “proshippers are too yucky and weird to be in fandom” - I’m going to have to refer you to your similarity to Kate Sanders of Lizzy McGuire fame, you “prEpz >:(“ - [My Immortal, legendary author unknown]

#disc horse #fandom discourse #fandom problems #fandom culture #proshipping #anti censorship #anti anti

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