#ANYWAY ENOUGH OVERSHARING.

[filmcel]

i’m so pissed off im almost 18 and able to get on testosterone without parent permission but also that means coming out. and also i don’t have money for it so … i’d need to get it SOMEWHERE. 😐🤮

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[tennessoui]

it's been so long since i did a sith obi-wan au so like - how about an au where the sith are almost as established as the jedi (a temple, an order, followers numbering in the hundreds/thousands) but things are a bit more diplomatic in the galaxy (it's definitely tense but not all out war just yet)

so both the sith and jedi orders are alerted to a new rising power in the outer rim.....on tatooine of all places. a slave rebellion, led by shmi skywalker, has toppled the hutts. it's said that this new leader, queen of tatooine, has the Force's favor....but more importantly than that, shmi skywalker is a new galactic player, with a lot of money and a lot of support.....and a son of marriageable age.

cue both the jedi and the sith sending a delegation to tatooine - ostensibly to nurture galactic relations between their orders and the new power, but also to lowkey seduce shmi skywalker's son into marriage/a relationship because everyone knows that a parent's heart follows their children's happiness.

sith!obi-wan aka darth solence is selected to lead the sith seduction attempt. he's pretty confident - after all, he's led hundreds of seduction missions at this point, and he'd suffer a thousand different humiliations for the sake of the order of the sith who took him in after the jedi sent him to the agricorps.

the only problem is that he arrives on tatooine and shmi skywalker's son, anakin, is the most bland, boring, two-dimensional boy to ever breathe. he's completely uninterested in politics, in history, in the Force---he'd rather talk about pod-racing and--and Coruscanti daytime holo shows than anything of actual interest!

good thing the prince's manservant, kitster, is almost always hanging around. he's wrong about many things, obi-wan finds, but he's passionate. passionate and beautiful. oh, he loves pod-racing just as much as the prince, but he's fascinated by the Force and ready to tear obi-wan's eyes out over a passing negative observation on a droid. and did obi-wan mention that he's beautiful? with his golden curls and sky blue eyes and fierce scowl and broad shoulders and prominent eyebrows and even more prominent lips? the sith, as a general rule, appreciate passion, anger. beauty. obi-wan adores them as well.

but kitster the man servant isn't the person obi-wan has been flown to tatooine to seduce--he's duty-bound to seduce prince anakin. even if being around him feels like pulling his teeth out with rusty pliers.

if only obi-wan knew that shmi skywalker is more suspicious about the galaxy than she lets on. more protective of her son, too. if only he knew that her son, anakin, had a best friend growing up named kitster, who owed them both just enough life-debts to convince him to trade places with shmi's son for the length of the delegations' visit.

it's an easy sell after all -- who doesn't want to be a prince for a few weeks, no harm done?

[thanatos-zagreus-shagreus]

Edwin: *monologuing about confusing feelings*

Monty: *kisses him*

Edwin: "That was unexpected"

Monty: "I have feelings for you too"

Edwin: "I wasn't talking about you"

Very funny but oh so awkward

[canisonicscrewyou]

Okay here’s the thing, some of you are asking for the 2019 Aziracrow Cosplay Pics** in my inbox, and upon reflection how could we not. You’re gonna get so much more lore than you could’ve ever asked for or wanted,though. This is a long post, and I almost want to apologize for it. **Pre-HRT baby face pics ahead

For context, Damien and I have known each other since freshmen year of high school, 2012. In fact, we had like no classes together, and whenever one of us mentioned our nerd shit in class the first couple of days, kids kept telling us we HAD to meet each other. We finally met in a history class after they got transferred into it, and exchanged fandom memes back and forth after school on the sidewalk that day until our rides picked us up, and pretty much from then on freshmen year EVERYONE thought and asked if we were two little queer kids dating in our Catholic School.

And of course we weren’t— we just sat in each others’ laps a lot, or grabbed at each other a lot, and were a little inseparable for a while. Neither of us read anything into this. We were also, very importantly, cringey little 14-15 year old SuperWhoLock girlies, only I didn’t watch Supernatural, and they didn’t really watch Doctor Who, and we both thought Sherlock was pretty good. We supplemented our own love for our special little shows for the other. We were so inseparable that Damien’s 1-month-long-freshmen-boyfriend got them a Doctor Who gift for Valentine’s Day. The key to the Eleventh Doctor’s TARDIS. (My favorite, at the time, and also one that I knew they definitely sold at the comic book shop up the block.) They break up with him for giving them chocolates with nuts(allergy), and immediately give my little autistic ass the TARDIS key at lunch. Neither of us read anything into this. This is a common theme.

Damien, at some point, tells me to read a book they love, Good Omens. Due to my brain being the way it is, it takes about 3-4 business years, until college, to read Good Omens at their recommendation.

Damien is one of my best friends throughout high school and college. I also think it’s important to note that they were a jock, and I was a theatre kid. And the only time I convinced them to do something, a haunted house, with the drama club, to share a hobby maybe, they got hit in the head with a lightsaber by a 1st grader and needed stitches immediately after we started.

ANYWAYS.

I get Damien into cosplay a year or so later- 2013? 2014?

But it also takes us years to cosplay together- we would help with each others’ cosplays a lot. By that I mean I built a bunch of their props and they helped by getting the supplies with me and generally just hanging out. It takes us until 2019 to cosplay together.

Good Omens is out on Amazon Prime.

We text each other.

“Do you want to do a couple’s cosplay of this?

Yes, yes of course I do.

And yes, of course you’re Crowley, and of course I’m Aziraphale. And of course I’m Crowley, and of course you’re Aziraphale.”

Pretty much every week that summer, we built our wings from scratch, from wire and masking tape and ethically sourced goose and duck feathers and mall Chinese food. We go out and plan and shop for our gay little outfits. We sit and talk in their car, in my driveway, for ages every time, every night.

Another fun fact: this was the same convention that I painstakingly painted their tits blue for. And also painstakingly helped them wash blue off of in the shower, drunk, later that night. Unrelated, Aziraphale was the first cosplay I felt comfortable in.

Another fun fact: while getting ready for the photo shoot we booked that morning, my family dog scared my cat Almondmilk, and he peed all over my Aziraphale cosplay, and I yelled a bit. Our photographer rescheduled, blessedly, and a few hours later our photographer was asking how we wanted to stage the kiss, since of COURSE there had to be a kiss, but instead we sort of just—

“We’re really good friends— We’ve known each other since high school— We’ve already seen so much of each other this is no big deal— Do you need another shot?”

“Uh-huh,” Our photographer says, knowingly. “I think maybe one more, if we’re comfortable with—“

“Oh yeah, no problem at all-“

“Uh-huh, Yeah,” Our photographer says, knowingly. “Tilt your head up more.”

Not many couples can say they somehow managed to get their first kiss documented and edited in HD.

Damien got nauseous at the last day of the con, and the only thing we had to help were these honey sticks from a tea shop booth. They couldn’t open the little sticks themself, with their fangs in, so I took them and ripped them open with my teeth to give to them. Completely, totally unrelated, though, I think this was the summer I began to realize, perhaps realize once more, that I was so absolutely done for for Damien.

Anyways all of that went SO well, that we were planning every Ineffable Husbands cosplay we could. Somehow, our most logical next choice was a fun and very quick, messy little boudoir photo shoot in my college dorm room, while they were visiting me 3+ hours away from their school.

Down so bad you lovingly pack wigs to go to college with so that you can have your best friend sit in your lap for your little ship.

We did that as Just Good Friends, literally in front of an old friend who took the photos and helped us stage the poses a bit.

We went to sleep that night in that bed. It was big enough to fit 3, maybe even 4 people if you were in a pinch. The bed was not treated like it was that big. (Note, we now sleep on a full sized bed, and it’s suddenly too small.)

And we talked for a while and we went to bed and all I could think about was how much I loved them no matter the sense of the word. And how many nights we sat talking in your car in my driveway for way too long, wondering if I should ask if I could kiss you. (A quick pronoun change, because I know you’re reading this.)

And

Nothing

Came

Of

This

For

LIKE

FOUr

MORE

YEARS.

Just good friends. Just good, good friends.

And that’s how Good Omens helped me realize, in retrospect of 2019, how in love I was with my Crowley best friend.

[corvid-language-library]

I really wish I could draw. I don't want to have to learn; I don't have time with all the other shit I want/have to do in my life and I'm too damned impatient to sit through hour after gruelling hour of only being able to produce absolute garbage that looks nothing like how I was hoping. I just want to be able to draw the characters I have in my head.

Alas, it is a skill that has to be learned, like everything else. Goddammit.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

if you think it's exaggerating when i write my self-insert character bluntly jeopardizing a romantic scene to talk about feelings and philosophy, consider that i literally did that with a guy for like 3 hours last night

[scalpelsister]

what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.

[yellowhollyhock]

i have only two tagging modes:

1) bare bones, minimal description to (hypothetically) be able to find the post later, sometimes less

2) more than half the post is in the tags

[trentskis]

scream just did a terrifying* thing (asked my boss if it was possible to raise my wages)

[sollucets]

i feel personally that this being the same binder is a fun rowan fact

[monstrsball]

kennedy ex-boyfriend facts:

was against seat belt laws

was also against speed limits

once sped up on a residential street with me and my 10 year old cousin in the car bc i thought he was going too fast. he thought this was funny

antifeminism <- yes i continued dating him for a year after learning this. I Know. i was eighteen and had low self esteem 😔

elon musk fan boy

we broke up after he got upset with me because i said i thought thomas jefferson was a bad person bc he owned slaves [obviously this argument was the straw that broke the camel's back]

[tobuo]

makes me feel a little less sick thinking about money to find out nearly half of the UK has less than £1000 in savings and the average for my age group is only £3000 like. ok…..

[vintageghoststories]

just had the wildest night ever.truly.

[cpmhew]

rules: happy pride! choose your 9 favorite canon LGBTQIA+ characters! 🏳️‍🌈 

i was tagged by the ever-delightful @highkingpenny

Choosing favorites is impossible so to help me stop obsessing, I'm calling this nine I love!! Pictured here in no particular order:

Tookie, from The Sentence by Louise Erdrich (art by Vincent Mahé for NYT)

Eliot Waugh from The Magicians. both the tv show and the books!

Margo Hanson from The Magicians tv show

Edward Teach / Blackbeard from Our Flag Means Death

Garnet from Steven Universe

Robin Swift from Babel by R.F. Kuang (I can't find any images of him so I'm using some birds from the book cover)

the thirteenth Doctor from Doctor Who

Louis de Pointe du Lac from Interview with the Vampire on AMC. this is THE only LDPDL, i do not accept or acknowledge any others.

Alma Rosales aka Jack Camp from The Best Bad Things by Katrina Carrasco

no pressure at all but if you want to play, i'm tagging @thegingergal, @faersflower, @asofterhibou, @bripops, @lunaraindrop, @thelucindac, @yourtinseltinkerbell, @spiders-hth-is-an-outlier, and anyone else who wants to participate!

[getosugurusbangs]

i wonder just how many times i’ve seemed really annoying just for it to be me having adhd