#i have to deal with rsd no matter what and i’ve come to accept that

[getosugurusbangs]

i wonder just how many times i’ve seemed really annoying just for it to be me having adhd

[dionysianfreak]

some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

[artanogon]

Hi, um. I have a question. I was drawn to your blog by an ADHD Checklist you made a while ago. And, well. 50 of them matched. Probably something I should look into, right? I was wondering if you had any tips on breaching that discussion with mental health adverse guardians? I understand if you don’t really focus on ADHD, but If you do have any tips and feel comfortable sharing them, they would be greatly appreciated.

Yeah, cool. Thanks for making that post, it helped me figure out a lot of stuff. :)

hi trust!! (is that a cool nickname?) it wasn’t my checklist specifically, but i do have adhd and i’ll be happy to help!  first of all: definitely look into it. at the very least, being able to understand your mental health better and alter your habits from there will make a huge difference in getting through everyday life. i can provide some resources if you like! 

concerning the telling parents thing: i can give you this much. for me, things are kinda fucky. my mother doesn’t believe most mental illnesses are real, just a product of the drug industry, and she’s very ableist with trying to “cure” autism and such. it’s awful. i won’t even touch on my father. i wouldn’t tell him anything anyways. so yeah, i get where you’re coming from. it can be a really difficult thing to do!  the best thing i can offer is this: lay out your evidence, keep your cool. it can be super duper scary! you can try “this is adhd, i think i have it, i’ve done a lot of research into it from many sources (so they can’t argue that you don’t know what you’re talking about!) and i think i have signs [x, y, z]” (if they want more info/proof). if needs be, cater to what they want to hear! the important thing is getting them to listen. 

and one thing to remember: it might not go well. and it’s a sucky possibility. but it is one. but you have to remember that your family does not ultimately define who you are, and they can be extremely wrong! as long as you find people who accept and respect you, family or not, then you’ll be all good! or even just learned to understand and love yourself!! your family’s approval is not the end-all be-all. 

some everyday tips for dealing with adhd, at least in my case: 

-stim if it makes u happy!! stimming, within a context that isn’t harmful to yourself, is so good!!

-establish a routine, find whatever way to write it out or remind yourself or make it fun so that you can commit to it! it takes a long time, sometimes you can forget, but you can’t hate yourself for that. establishing a routine with certain timeframes has helped me so much!

-executive dysfunction and rsd can get really overwhelming!! sensory meltdowns happen!! don’t beat yourself up for them!! u are VALID!!!

-sometimes little charts with everyday reminders help!! give urself a gold star for getting tasks done— making ur bed, brushing ur teeth, each of them deserve a gold star! that can be really helpful!!

-don’t let other people call you lazy or get you down when they don’t understand!! they can Shut The Fuck Up and if they won’t, i’ll come and kneecap them for u! 

there’s probably more but it is Very late here god bless

i might rb with more tips/ideas in the morning! fellow people with adhd, feel free to rb with more advice as well, it’d be really helpful to hear from you guys as well!! and trust, remember that you will always be safe and welcome here!! no matter what!!

we love you 💚💚

— 

ableists and neurotypicals, do NOT fucking clown on this post. nt people can rb and boost, but this is NOT for u to start “discourse” on. ableists just dni. don’t jump in with your opinions. i don’t want them. thank you for your time ❤️

[anti-dennor]

masterpost on why mod norway hates den//nor a lot without mentioning kin stuff or specific ships that are better

disclaimer: this post isn’t to start an argument, the only reason I’m making it is to organize my thoughts about den//nor because @ adhd wyd. 

This is okay to reblog, but I will ignore any and all reblogs adding on things about how I’m wrong. This is based off a mix of opinion, canon and scientific evidence about attraction, and I really, really, don’t want to argue about den//nor, especially with people who ship it. So really, for the sake of my mental health and your time, don’t bother arguing with my stubborn ass. I’m not going to change my stance on this and there’s nothing you can say to change that.

contents: yaoi / it’d be unhealthy (for both of them) / the actual shippers / dynamic

yaoi.

I’m not saying I dislike gay ships, no. I live for gay ships, I’m a gay male, I love mlm ships. Big comfort material. I dislike yaoi, gay ships are fine and dandy. Yaoi is gross.

Yaoi (”Also called BL (Boy’s Love) and Shounen Ai, yaoi is a genre of manga that fetishizes m/m relationships and relies on homophobic stereotypes for plot and character devices.”), and fujioshis.

“In most yaoi mangas, there is one agressive masculine man who preys upon an usually much younger, submissive feminine man. It strengthens the homophobic myth of gay men being predators and pedophiles.”

Doesn’t that sound a lot how the fandom portrays Denmark and Norway? Denmark is canonically the same height as Norway (Well, Norway is like an inch shorter at most), and the two have about the same body shape. Yet what do y’all fujioshis do? Draw Norway as some femme boy that’s like a foot shorter than Denmark.

“It also relies on heteronormative stereotypes, where there are always strict uke/seme roles in bed, as well as a feminine caring and a masculine powerful dynamic in the relationship outside of the bed.  “

Again, what do y’all do? Make Norway super femme and oh so much smarter than Denmark, making Denmark the unhealthily powerful one -- Bringing me to my next point;

it’d be unhealthy (for both of them).

“They have known each other since childhood, but while Denmark considers the two of them to be like best friends and believes that Norway thinks the same way he does, he is unaware of Norway's blunt teasing.[7] Norway frequently refers to him as anko[12], a term Himaruya has described as having a nuance like older brother or oniichan, the familiar form of big brother, and having a classmate-like feeling.[13]”

“Main article: Norway

Norway is a childhood friend of Denmark's, who he feels rather close to and strongly about, believing that Norway sees him the same way as a "best friend." “

(source: Norways wiki & Denmarks wiki)

Since I’m not sure how to word it; lets take my parents for example; they’d been dating since they were 15 (fifteen) until they were like 23-24. My mom used to go over to his house every. single. day. because she felt more at home there than at her own home. They never argued, they were like a perfect relationship almost. Why they broke up? My mom, and I quote, “saw him more like a brother than a lover.” Which is a completely justified reason to break up! My parents have the same relationship as siblings. Now, if my parents felt like siblings after 8 years of growing up together; imagine the bond that Denmark and Norway have.

They grew up together for thousands of years! Meaning they’d be much, much closer than my parents were. So maybe they could’ve dated at some point in their history, but I can see them doing the same thing my parents did; break up because they felt like siblings/being best friends would be better. Plus, you don’t call your lover “brother”, even if you’re not actually related or don’t mean it as sibling-way especially if you have other, blood-related, siblings.

Why would a relationship be unhealthy for the both of them?

Because if they feel like brothers, then you get the same unhealthy benefits of actual incest from the Westermarck effect, “a hypothetical psychological effect through which people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction.” Which, guess what, Denmark and Norway have known each other since childhood, 

Fujioshis turning the shp into yaoi + the westermarck effect; what do we have?

If you put the two into a relationship you’re implying that one of them is unconsciously forcing themselves onto the other. Or just, y’know, people straight up writing something like Danish Slaughter House - a fanfiction where Denmark straight up rapes and kills all the Nordics.

And speaking of Danish Slaughter House, let’s move on to the next point;

the actual shippers.

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I guess I’ll start with shamchat, a great site, I spend a lot of time there - as one of my biggest hobbies in the past few years is roleplaying. I have almost 2 years of experience with writing Norway. The thing is, when I come across Denmarks on the site it almost always, if theyre a Dennor shipper, starts off as something like:

Best friends hanging out -> Denmark asks Norway to do something with him -> Norway is busy -> Denmark gets sad -> Norway tries to make him feel better -> Denmark confesses feelings.

what? and then Norway will tell Denmark that he sees him as a brother or just doesn’t feel the same, and then there’s a long range of reactions I’ve gotten from Denmarks with this, some of the worst including being harassed ooc for not shipping it, being guilted ooc for not shipping it (@ my RSD, someone telling me that they’re crying because I don’t ship something just. x20 as bad as neurotypicals), Denmark trying to force himself onto Norway sexually, and there was actually one where they had Denmark threaten to kill whoever Norway had feelings for.

For fucks sake! Once I was on as FtM!Caught Binding!Norway because I was feeling incredibly dysphoric, and I had a Denmark threaten to out Norway to the other Nordics, while Norway was begging him not to, and when he finally agreed not to  - which took actually making Norway (and me for that matter, since I have really big emotional ties with Norway) cry - he immediately jumps to a confession, which Norway sorta tells him off because what makes anyone think after threatening to out someone as trans they’re gonna accept a uwu love confession uwu uwu, which in turn upset Denmark and the entire rp turns to them - Norway trying to make him feel better, telling him that he’s his brother and always will be, etc. Making the biggest effort to make him feel better, but no instead he runs away to his bedroom, locks himself in his closet and tried to stab himself to death.

Most of these were done while I was on mobile, so unfortunately I don’t have saves to them.

Am I upset that you people portray Denmark horribly? Of course. My point isn’t the portrayals of Denmark here, though. Because the canon portrayal of Denmark is actually pretty fit for Norway, not going to lie, but my point is about how the shippers pull bullshit like this when someone doesn’t like their ship, which again ties into the homophobia of yaoi.

“Many mangas in this genre also have a plot centered around rape (the seme/top rapes the uke/bottom, then the uke realizes he actually loves the seme and allows the relationship to continue), abuse (physical, where the seme will hurt the uke, or emotional, where either part will threaten things as far as suicide if the other part dares to leave them), pedophilia (shota is a subgenre of yaoi in which boys as young as 5-6 will have sexual relationships with middle aged men). “

Most of these I’ve actually had to deal with personally aside from the pedophilia/shota bit, while I’ve never actually done an rp with someone as Shota!Denmark (I skip anyone who thinks shota is ok), I’ve seen them around, along with Shota!Norways.

I’m not going to start with the amount of Denmark’s on shamchat idealizing Norway in every way, shape and form.

dynamic.

Admittedly, Denmark is an almost ideal guy for Norway personality-wise, with how socially inept Norway is (Which Denmark can still be there for him if they’re friends), but for Denmark, Norway isn’t super suitable. The idea that Denmark needs someone to keep him in check is a little, how do I say it, wrong. Denmark is over 2000 years old, he’s smart enough to keep himself in check, while it would be nice for him to have someone to be there to tell him “You’re being too loud” and to give him a little help here and there, best friends can do that, can they not? As for a romantic partner, Denmark would probably be better matched with someone who doesn’t have trouble complimenting people or doing things solely to please him.

Denmark has his self image as a priority, and as shown by the above strips I’ve given, Norway isn’t the best to give him that. Norway is better at subtly doing things for people he cares for, not outright stating and cheering for him - which I did try to find the part of a strip where Denmark was imagining Norway and Iceland cheering for him (Or something like that), I couldn’t find it, but that one in specific emphasizes that a romantic relationship between Denmark and Norway wouldn’t quite work the same way their brothery relationship works.

Everyone teases and gets into arguments with their siblings, (Which Norway does tease & occasionally insult Denmark) and you always know that everything your sibling says to insult you isn’t serious, but even though Denmark “blatantly ignores offensive and aggressive social tones ”, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t pick up on them and he holds himself up too high for it to be a healthy relationship romantically if for either of them if Norway isn’t going to be positive, Norway is kinda negative and Denmark contrasts that greatly, but if Norway can’t give Denmark flattery and self esteem boosts straightforwardly, then Denmark won’t be happy in the relationship, which makes him less positive, making him less ideal for Norway. Whereas if they just stay as brothers, it’s easier for Denmark to just brush off any teasing or criticism Norway might have.

As for romantic relationships for Norway, I did say earlier that Norway needs someone who’s positive, good at social interaction, cheerful, friendly, etc. He also needs someone who easily picks up on the little things he does and isn’t extremely high-maintenance when it comes to needing flattery. Someone that Norway doesn’t have to be straightforward with. While we’re at it, I’ll also mention why someone who isn’t these things wouldn’t work, Norway needs someone positive and good at social interaction because he’s not these things, (He’s said it himself, he is painfully shy around strangers as he resolved to leave upon seeing them; yes I’m ignoring that he did all that speaking right after he said that, this is because I’m going off the it was only there for comedic purposes and doesn’t mean anything), and he needs someone cheery/friendly to contrast himself (I’m not saying he isn't friendly! He is quite that, but isn’t great at expressing it.), since a relationship between two characters who are really apathetic about a lot of things would just end in them thinking theyre apathetic abt each other. Picking up on little things + not needing to be straightforward with is kinda self explanatory after the stuff about Denmark.

Anyways, back on track. Kinda? Conclusion.

I do like the “quiet one & loud one”/”opposites attract”/similar tropes a lot, but when it comes to Denmark and Norway it doesn’t quite work out as well as others might. Especially with fandom misportrayals, it kinda ruins the pairing for me.

[stuprosu]

august 17th, 2017 10:38 PM

this is my first post of 2017. how fucking wild. so much has happened. i can do it by month, i am guessing? but i need to create a record. i need to write down my thoughts. lately, it has become too much, to think. i am angry all the time. 

so, the last post was in november? i guess we’ll start in december, then, dear diary. it’s gonna be a long one.

[december] nothing too wild happened this month. final grades, wild snowstorms driving home. decent grades, no cuts, but they were still healing, noticeable. christmas, coming home for the holidays, almost a month off of school. got a new jacket. things between mom and i were /good/. i splurged on her for christmas. i genuinely loved her then. 

[january] school started back up again. these were genuinely good months. classes were fine. only stresses were grades and finding a job. little luck with applications. hung out with renee and cade all the time, every day. new friends, more board game club. things were genuinely good. came home most weekends to see family. didn’t really notice anything deteriorate. i wasn’t around, though. cuts are healing fine. 

[february] things are still grand. still don’t have a job but it helped me balance what money i had. went without groceries but you don’t need those. i guess the first descent into madness was cade dropping out of school. i love her so much and she left to be with her mom. i understood. but i cried a lot. i missed her so much. i still miss her. but i still had renee. nothing else major went on. nothing on jobs. no new cuts

[march] then, the only thing wrong with march was cade’s absence and the lack of a job. but i wasn’t home to see what was going on. dad got poison ivy really bad. mom’s highly allergic so he slept on the couch. mom started working out heavily. thing about my mom is she’s “disabled”. blames her handicapped on a car wreck 20 years ago that fucked up her nerves and gave her RSD. maybe that part’s true. but we’ve spent the last 10 years taking care of her. well, my brothers, garryck (17) and toby (13) and my dad have taken care of her. fixing all her meals, picking up shit she drops, bringing her her blanket, paying for all of her medicine. waiting on her hand and foot. after her ketamine infusions and her peak of addiction to pain killers, my mom had a commode set up in her room. my father would wipe her ass for her. change tampons. horrendous, awful shit that you only do for the ones you love without hesitation. my father is so in love with my mother. it breaks my heart. but yeah, enough history. march, dad starts sleeping on the couch for poison ivy. march, i apply for a job at a local library. i get an interview. i get the job. i start in april.

[april] i work now alongside my classes. only two weeks of class anyways. work is good, keeps me busy. still clinging to renee. dad is still sleeping on couch, though the poison ivy is gone. they dodge my questions of why. the love i have for my mother is dissipating. that love is such a fragile thing, between my mother and i. my family always took care of her, but i never did. i never did anything for her. she was a burden, a nuisance, and inconvenience and a waste of my time and would eventually die. she manipulated my family into doing things she could do herself. she was enabled. enabled over and over again. but never by me. which is why our relationship plummeted, never was positive. 

i suffered the verbal abuse, the attacks after her highs on pain meds, or lack of, or a combination of those and the bipolar and just our ticking bomb of a fight that we woke with every morning. my dad would defend me. middle school was worst. 2013 was bad. even my sister was dragged in, asking me if i had my headphones on so i couldn’t hear the horrible, awful things my mother said about me. i lied. there was no music playing. i heard it all. i can’t remember what now, but perhaps i’ve suppressed it. perhaps it’s killing tiny parts of me still today. maybe i’m being melodramatic. maybe i’m not being dramatic enough. 

but. this love i accumulated for my mother during those first six months of college. peaking in december. every mistreatment towards my father chips away. chips away, now that i look back, on everything. everything. april, i think, danielle had her mom, mary, ask my mom for danielle’s tablet back, that i had. i never properly paid her. we’re poor and forgetful, and it’s been since 2014 that i’ve had this tablet. danielle is just being petty. i told my mom to tell mary i don’t know where the tablet is. my mom knows i still use this tablet. i don’t ask her what she tells mary. this information is relevant. 

[may] here comes the hell month. the height of my horror. the height of destruction. dear reader, you probably have a guess what is about to happen. everyone is in a tizzy. my dear brother is graduating highschool. he is awarded the alumni scholarship. posts of love and adoration on facebook from not one, but both parents. something i could have never achieved. i think i got a card, a hug. some permission for an ear piercing. regardless, i know the difference. but i love my brother and my father too much to cause a stir. 

my brother has always been my mother’s favorite, but i don’t really care about her opinion. i’ve never held it in high regard. this is why i tell her important things. her thoughts do not scare me; her reactions, her feelings. they don’t affect me as my father or my aunt’s might. anyways. little brother graduates. all the proper family comes and gifts exchanged. all is well. i believe it was may seventeenth. my aunt came up to watch one of toby’s baseball games. my sister was there. it got rained out. we came home with pizza and my brothers, my sister, my aunt and my parents all killed each other. my aunt knew weeks prior. had stayed the night the day before. the night before i told her my worries. my dad had lost his job. we had lost our insurance. my knee hurt to walk on and i didn’t want to go to the doctor because we were so poor and had no money for trivial things like doctors. my aunt, as she always does, always has, reassured me. told me i would always be taken care of, no matter what. she told me she’d always love me, always. 

she loved my brothers and i like her own children. when my mother was at her sickest, my aunt stepped in after she checked out. my aunt was phenomenal despite all the horrible shit she has been through. she has the most amazing and loving and accepting heart. i have never known anybody else in my entire love to love me as openly and as fiercely as she does. as zusak said. she steps on my heart. she makes me cry. but in the best ways. but what did my aunt know, you ask? she knew about my mother’s intentions. she knew why my mother was exercising and losing weight, her newest diets and protein shakes, her sudden purchase of a car. well, my father’s sudden purchase of a car. we didn’t need another car. my mother got her driver’s license. and then my father lost his job. and her sudden revamp on life came to a halt. but, after my brother graduated, she started right up again. and now it is the seventeenth. i wouldn’t get full marks for chronological placement if this were a paper, i’ll tell you that. i don’t care. you get the point. but here’s the bombshell. we are sitting in the living room, us all. my father tells us, “there’s no other way to put this. *good minute of silence* your mother and i are getting a divorce.”

that’s your big reveal? your secret, lex? yeah yeah, shut up. tons of kids have parents that get divorced. my own sister has divorced parents. ashlee, 25 now. half sister, share the same mom. she understands more than the boys. my mom never treated her well, either. blamed my sister, at 15, for wanting to live with her dad. practically abused her. partied during her infancy and dumped ashlee on her ex-husband. things i never knew, things my sister told me. things that watered the gnarly old tree that embodied that feeling of hatred towards my mother. but. we talked about the divorce, us all. my youngest brother and i cried. my mom cried at seeing us cry. i was angry about stupid shit then, and not the actual cause. i was going to miss the nuclear family, the complete celebrated holidays and birthdays and not having to shuttle around on thanksgiving or how to make one parent happy without hurting the other. i knew what came with a divorce and i didn’t want it. i wanted one thing of stability. college wasn’t stable, relationships aren’t stable, few things were. my family, my car, my cat. 

i needed these things. but one of these things i couldn’t rely on. i could no long rely on that whole family unit, the unification of my parents in the hardships of life. instead, i got to ask my father while my mother stepped out to smoke if he wanted the marriage, if this was all mutual. i watched my father choke back his tears and tell me it wouldn’t be fair if he explained. he later told my sister he did not want the divorce and that he was still in love with my mother. he didn’t need to tell me. his tears confirmed it. my aunt held me. but everything was unraveling. everything. and i told them something i haven’t even recorded here in these entries. 

i need to be more honest. college was fun, but i struggled. i struggled a lot. i don’t know why i decided to carve into my thighs with that rusted boxcutter. it wasn’t sharp enough for one solid, smooth cut. i had to drag that point over a cut and over a cut and over a cut and over a cut until it was finally deep enough that it bleed and i could make that trench longer in my own skin. cuts in the shower and in the bathroom and i never allowed them to heal. no, the long scabs came peeling off and i pulled them off despite the pain. but after a while i didn’t notice. i don’t know why i began. it baffles me still. it’s not a coping mechanism. i still haven’t cut myself since december. but. i told my family. and they didn’t know how to deal. my mom suggested therapy. my dad remained silent. he has never spoken about it. never. my sister has a few times. but. i couldn’t remain in that house. i had days off work. 

i went back with my aunt and we talked for a good, long while. about everything. the divorce, the cutting, my depression and religion and past marriages and the future and our lives and how much we fucking loved each other so much that i cried at her words, at being loved so fervently and without hesitation. i love her so much. i don’t know how i’d make it through all of this without her. but i come back home. my aunt has reassured me once more that the divorce will make my parents better people, happier people. i believe her. my mom looks for a place to move. i go to work. dad finds a job. garryck works. mom doesn’t. mom exercises. mom is moody. the 24th of may i get curious. i want to know what happened between my mom and mary, danielle’s mother, and the conversation had about the tablet. my mom left her laptop open and unlocked. i open facebook. i look for the conversation with mary bailey. i cannot find it. all the conversations are only two or so months old. my mom has had her facebook since 2007 and i know she’s kept inboxes. 

i’ve been a filthy snoop before, but never more than 2 or 3 minutes. this is different. the top two most recent conversations are both from men i do not know. one of the conversations mentions my siblings and i. i click on it. they are from a brad letts. he is asking how the kids took the divorce. my mom replied with “my boys are shaken but fine but my girls aren’t talking to me, which is expected.” who is this man and why is he asking about my siblings and i and the divorce? who the fuck? i scroll up to see previous conversations. i see sexts. i see explicit sexts. my mother and this man have been sexting each other for weeks, maybe more. there’s only so much i can allow myself to read. my mother is a filthy cheating whore. my parents have not divorced yet. the vows are still active. i go back to the inbox and click on the other man who i don’t recognize. less tame. but my mother sends him sexual pictures, flirtatious, clearly wanting to go and see him. he lives in california. i kept their names in a memo on my phone. i know these two men’s names and the date i found out. i am enraged. i exit out of facebook. i clear the history. i put the correct window back up. i move the mouse back to its position. 

i let this knowledge fester within me. i am beyond angry. my mother hurt the man i love the most in this world for some shitty fucking guys on facebook. men who know that she is married and has children. my mother is a filthy, cheating, lying bitch who broke the heart of the man who would walk the ends of the earth for her and back and there and back again and again. my mother can fucking die in a hole. as far as i am concerned, she is not my mother. 

[june] i wreck my car on the 12th. some asshole put gravel on asphalt and i spun out and hit a tree. i sell it for 250 bucks. i buy another for 425. it’s dirty and smells but it does the trick for now. this is getting to become a chore to type this all out. but i have to finish. i need to express. i don’t know when memorial day was. i think it was may. oh well, we’ll list it under june. we went down to kansas city, my brothers and dad and i, to visit my grandparents. they asked us how we were handling the divorce. my grandmother is angry with my mom. i am angry with my mom. it is a good combination. we both rant about my mother. i don’t tell her anything major, just what my grandmother already knows. we come back that night. my dad has a vet friend down there that gave us food for our dogs, cats, and ferrets, and even flea treatments. we’re still pretty poor so we accept it. the vet friend is an old friend of dad’s, back in highschool. my dad goes into see my mom. he closes the door. they begin yelling. my mom accuses my dad of cheating with this vet friend. my dad tells her that amy, the vet friend, has never been his girlfriend and never will be. my mom accuses my dad of breaking his vows. my mom knows that romances now are breaking the vows. she is a filthy filthy hypocrite. she can fuck off. i hate her projecting. it was after the 12th that i told my sister about my mom. it was over the phone, casual mention. and i elaborate. and we’re both raging. we’re both angry. we need to tell my aunt. my aunt is the only person on this earth that knows my mom and knows my dad. my aunt is my mother’s sister. her name is shanna, the one that loves me so much. the closest thing i’ve had to a mother. june and july blur together. 

[july] the 12th of july i take my brother’s car (i did not purchase my new one yet) and go to leavenworth. the night previously i had told toby that i was going to leavenworth. i didn’t think he would tell my mom, but he did. the next day, my mom asks what i’m going to do in leavenworth. an easy lie. just going to hang out with ashlee, go to dinner, you know. we didn’t go to dinner. we went to my cousin’s breawna’s house, my aunt shanna’s daughter. my sister tells bre what my mom has done. i am going to tell my aunt. we sit down and i tell her. i tell her everything. my aunt is enraged. she knows one of the men. she, my mom, and him have been friends since highschool, apparently. my aunt is angry at herself, for thinking that her sister was genuinely getting better for her own sake, but in all actuality it was just a guy. my aunt has to go outside. she can’t go outside. everytime she tries, she comes back in and says something else about how angry she is. finally she gets outside to smoke. she comes back in and we talk for a while about everything. they tell me how my dad cared for my mom when she was sick, how my aunt cared for her, how everybody was manipulated by her. i cry because it hearts my heart so much, how after everything my dad did, it is just thrown back in his face like it was nothing. seventeen years, down the drain. 

but i have to keep a smile. i have to save face. the plan is for me to confront my mom. to tell her what i know. my aunt will be there to make sure my mom does not verbally or physically attack me. then, i will give my mother an ultimatum. tell my dad about the cheating or i will tell him in my words. we haven’t done that yet, but i need to. christ, i need to. i cannot deal with my mother sharing pictures on facebook, how she’s become a better woman by cutting off the poison, how she’s been horribly heartbroken but now she’s risen from the ashes. all the negativity most definitely directed towards my father. everyone can see it. my aunt and my sister know, even my 13 year old brother has confided this to me. my mother moved out of our house july 28th. a few days before, we drove to atchison together to look at her new house. god, i smile looking back on this. she asks me how i am handling the divorce. i say fine, just dealing with it. she begins to cry. she says she doesn’t know what comes next. she has only been a wife and mother for 25 years, half of her life. she doesn’t know what to be now. she is crying in the seat next to me. she looks at me. she tells me she is afraid that her moving and the divorce will have an affect on our relationship, that she will never get to see me and that what we had will be gone. i assure her that won’t happen and that i’ll always be around. 

i am a good liar.

it brings me solace, knowing how i can completely and utterly destroy my mother’s life after she ruined my father’s and mine. i will make her known. i will stop my father from sending her money. i will keep anybody from giving a shit about her. they’ll know you, liar. i used to regret my actions. but know this now. 

i am relieved.

i have an excuse to cut you away, you're poisonous and wretched. you were nothing but a burden and a blight and you can rot with that dog i bought in that house the government bought. you are the definition of a parasite and a leech. keep your prayers. and you want a relationship with me?

[august] my sister goes to my cousin’s baby shower. my mother is there. the two exchange pleasantries. my mother informs my sister that she believes i am smoking pot. she tells my sister that i am spreading rumors that she is cheating. she heard this from the mailwoman. who the fuck is the mailwoman? i have told nobody besides my sister, my cousin, my aunt, and my two friends, who would not tell anybody. i don’t think you realize how big a secret can eat away at you, at your mentality, on your outlook on life. this burden is going to bury me. but, my mother is already on the defense. i need to hurry it up. i need to get in contact with my aunt. we need to burn this bridge.

my next entry will hopefully have that encounter recorded. no, it will. i won’t make one until i have.

things are changing, dear diary. let’s see how this all pans out.