#AND i have to see my endo this month
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i want out of this apartment so, so badly, but we got the email saying we're gonna be receiving renewal documentation this week and having to decide NOW whether i need to figure all of that shit out is. bad.
#i was gonna call them in march lmao#lease ends june 1 like 'we're already getting inquiries' that's great#im already so overwhelmed even thinking about the logistics of finding a place sorting moving options moving utilities moving internet#not to mention the insane financial hurdle of deposit+rent plus moving#weeps#im like. really struggling living here lmao but also at this point i'm really struggling just existing and piling all of that extra bullshi#is not gonna help#i might just. fucking suck it up and stay for the duration that i have to be in this stupid town#idk what im doing after that and idk how long that actually has to be because my work can Not decide how longevity works#weh.#mentally and emotionally compromised#AND i have to see my endo this month#it's all stupid and it's still killing me
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my type, apparently
#black haired#messy n longer#most of em are evil and if they aren't they're stoic n strict#started this blog originally for mr. chrollo lucilfer.....#ginoza was a HUGE thing for me last summer i just wasn't on tumblr about it but i really really love that man. bad#dokuga my pookie i love him bad when i see him in s2 of dorohedoro it's gonna make my life#to be honest i never got rly deep in it with geto BUT he's so hot idgaf i still moan when i see him even if i don't have feelings#obanai is new we'll see where that goes#i'm a bit too obsessed with endo to let anyone new in for a while so....we'll see idk#aizawa too#i get dizzy when he speaks and that's bad news for me#idk if he can enter selfship territory....only time will tell#im not speaking on endo kaku or koko yall know i don't need to explain that#honorable mention is speed o sound sonic who i selfshipped w for maybe 3 months in 2019#and the octopus guy from csm who i don’t know yet but will be an issue for me eventually#ANYWAY.#yall should rb this with your type too if you have one#venus talks
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Hey! We aren't exactly the most fond of you, but we're really sorry that you ended up encountering someone insufferable enough to block someone for simply trying to help make their arguments better. That's just. Fuck, man.
I have just one response to this, it encompasses everything I feel and have to say about the situation
#as another system said in one of my reblogs#the enemy of my enemy is my friend#I'm having flashbacks to my first month on tumblr#if i knew how to deal with shame i might maybe admit it's there#that's a DID joke#I'm seeing a side of people that i genuinely didn't believe existed#syscourse#anti endo#pro endo#shit antis say#i never wanted to make that tag but here we are#DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED TO BE NICE
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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If I see one more fucking system say endos are valid I think im gonna fucking eat someone
#do not.fucking.interact with me if youre an endo or support endos your entire existence disgusts me#no being.a system is NOT fun its NOT cool no iys NOT cosplay it is NOT having friends in your head its not fun#to have fictives bc “oh you get to talk to your fave character!!” fictives arent controllable anyway you very well could end up with a#fictive you fucking hate#you could have introjects of your abuser#having system members who sabotage or hurt you on purpose is not fun#being an endo isnt real you cannot have DID or OSDD without trauma#DID is complex trauma. thats what it is. its CPTSD with dissociation.#its nkt.funny haha character time#you cannot be a system without some form of dissociation or trauma.#and no you cannot “become” a system ehen youre older. ykure delusional.#i was severely abused and traumatized in my formative years and it led to dissociationy entire childhood and i have gaps of time miasing#from my mond#like yes i know i was abused i do remember some of the abuse i know i was beaten everyday and locked up in my room#and to see kids say theyre endos with 100+ alters with perfect communication makes me.SO ANGRY my disorder IS NKT YOUR PLAYTHING.#if you were an actual system you would fucking hate being a system iys not fun or quirky#yeah i LOVE not having my entire life in my mond#yeah i LOVE dissociating and forgetting days of my life#i love fhat i cant remember 8 months of my life because its just gone! goodbye! gone from my memory!#fucking endos#dont fucking interact if youre an endo i hate you
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operation "how much estrogen leeway do we have" has commenced and it's only been 2 days but i'm so frustrated my muscles are still acting like they've been through a marathon
#the past month has been trash and i've spent sooo many work days at home already this year#operation estrogen might fail which would leave us in an interesting place bc idk what the fuck he's gonna try next#except for a more radical surgery#which like. i'm down but endo seems to never get properly treated on surgery alone#though i guess mine might be if they surgically remove everything necessary to get rid of my periods#i'm just like#so frustrated by the way this takes time#and my endo is still like. comparatively not bad. and i've not struggled with it that long#relatively speaking#hiding from work helps a tad until i then have to return to work after an absence#i feel guilty about not being at work but i also just really want to have arms that don't feel like lead#i want to have energy for one after work activity once in a while#and like. my doctor is determined to get me there#they all keep telling me that it is important that i'm good and not just surviving#i'm just really tired#and i have to speak to the counselor tomorrow which#is good and mature but i truly don't fucking want to#i have fridays off to 'get more rest' but like#i do one thing on the weekend and it knocks me the fuck out#traitorous goddamn body#we shall see what the counselor says before i message my endo doctor agAIn but i don't think i'm any more capable of working full weeks#now than i was 4 weeks ago#i haven't worked a full week in the 6 weeks since school came back#rip to me#😔#some day my whiny text posts will be but a memory#i say as if i have any faith
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#ok im just venting because im stuck waiting at the laundromat but this is seriously the most dysphoric i have ever felt and i lowkey want#to fucking kill myself when i see my body right now because whatever the fuck is wrong me is making me look 5 months pregnant and i would#rather fucking hang myself than ever be pregnant and i lowkey want to die every single day im in public and none of my clothes have fit for#like 2 years and feel like such a piece of shit all the time and lowkey want to die whenever i see my reflection#and im really scared that no doctor will take me seriously and i will permanently look 5 months pregnant for the rest of my life even#though there is clearly something deeply wrong with my body to amass this much fluids and shit. and i have all the symptoms of endo. and i#really dont want to have to get abdominal surgery but i really really want to have so much dysphoria all the time. idk!! i dont fucking#know bro.#suicide mention
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I've had two sessions of laser for my facial hair and already it feels like it's done more for my dysphoria than a year and a half of hrt.
#i swear the hrt isn't working#and I still have like another month to wait to see my endo#who I last saw in the fall#uuuuugh#kelly things#kelly's hrt progress
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my poor body. she does not work so good
#you don't. have to read all these tags. in fact i don't think you should tbh i'm just writing in my diary here. getting very tmi in here rn#i wanna talk about me#gonna try and see if i can get an appt with a new doc tomorrow#because as much as i want to see ANOTHER doctor like i want a hole in my head. i and my mom think it would be good#to see an internist for some more personalized care for my Horrors#cause y'know. i've been pretty happy with my endo for a while now but i just haven't had any improved results in a year or two from them#and their advice is just always. diet and exercise diet and exercise diet and exercise#which is vague and impersonal and unhelpful#it's frustrating. i just want someone to tell me what's going on and how and why we're doing what we're doing#i don't need to be skinny (i'm never gonna be skinny.) i don't need to be an athlete#i just want to feel okay and make sure my body isn't going to poison itself over time#well anyway. hoping i can make a first appointment within the next couple of months#i'm seeing my new obgyn next month...will definitely be asking about my hospital visit yesterday.#i know ovarian cysts can happen and rupture in anyone and aren't necessarily correlated to pcos but#knowing i've got the latter makes me really nervous about the former happening again#and if it happened while i'm already being treated. i think it might be time for a change of treatment...
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k, bye sleep.
#come back sleep ):#there's no making some things better u just have to. let it go.#acknowledge it's not about u and walk away#unrelated do i call my endo's office and see if it's possible to reschedule a distance appointment#cause next weeks schedule is fucked and i dont think i have the whwerewithal for a two hour roundtrip to have a panic attack at the doctor'#need to get blood drawn fuckin. forgot for a month#weh#i dont wanna go i just wanna. pay a guy to keep refilling my prescriptions#not feasible but weh
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sorry im not as hairy as the other bears and my beard isnt as full. im sorry. do you still love me
#im hairy compared to like. the average joe. but sometimes i see pics of other bears and im like WOWIE!!!#in The Bear Handbook: A Comprehensive Guide for Those Who Are Husky#Hairy and Homosexual and Those Who Love 'Em#it has a little code for describing how much hair you have so like. i think being less hairy than some of these men is like#inevitable and normal. but i still think#sometimes i want to up my t dose so i get hairier but idk if that. would actually work. have to go to an endo#anyways#ive started kinda getting back into calling myself a bear. watch in 2 weeks im gonna have a gender shift back into butch#and im gonna be like. no im not a bear and have never and will never be a mlm again. i live here. lol.#yall need to keep me humble/realistic.#im genderfluid and even if i stay in one gender for months you have to remind me. you will fag it up again someday#writing an essay in the tags. thats cause im a crazy person. lol <3
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A SPECIALIST IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!
#tales from diana#it took almost a month of calls after getting a referral but thank god once they finally got back to me it could be this quick#that's just one specialist i need to see. i still need to get in with an endocrinologist#but baby steps#(this is the one im more nervous about bc it's gonna involve a lot of my medical history)#(this hashimoto's shit is new to me whereas ive had lyme for 15 years)#(well both of these make me nervous but still)#hopefully ya girl is treated like a human being ought to be by this new guy#idk im scared but. my pcp said he's nice and i really like my new pcp#why couldn't they have gotten me to an endo sooner than the winter solstice. why#idk im not gonna dwell on it i have other options i just need to get over my anxiety and fucking call them#screams#TWO DAYS!!!! TWO DAYS AND HOPEFULLY SOMETHING WILL BE DONE#I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO FUNCTION AT ALL IN MONTHS
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i’m so sick of my hormones determining my life :(
#pcos and endo...ughghhh.#i feel so awful!#my body hates me and i don't know why and i don#'t know what's going on and i just feel ugly and broken w this rn :((#i'm breaking out and having weird periods i won't describe on here loool and i'm gonna see my long distance partner this week and it just#feels shitty!! :((#i've been having such a good few months w this and then BAM as soon as i'm about to see him#my body wreaks havoc on me#and i feel so wimpy and stupid and weak for even being impacted by it like this#but it just sucks sometimes#ellie yodels
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i have to go to therapy.... sitting here in the booth before we get started desperately googling hrt near me
#.txt#i want to start t very badly. low dose but still.#but i am so afraid to deal with family before i graduate and it's not /that/ long#i can wait fucking. six months i'll live#but what if i did it now......#if it's low dose will they even notice before i graduate........#but they might.#and also do i book a virtual appt with my primary bc she said when i was interested she had an endo she recommends#or do i just go to pp#because i would love an expert but? ease of access#anyway. this is not the time to be worrying about this i have therapy next week etc#(also trying to b slightly less online we will see how it goes?)
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As AJR once said
Oh, I'm spiraling now
#atlas adventures#started as an annoyance at a stupid app for being broken for the last two years and being worse this week#turned into “i need meds again” to “i can't even get into a doctor because my mom's availability conflicts with most doctor's hours”#like i have a standing appointment every friday at 2 which is not able to be moved due to my therapist's availability#and my mom only has fridays and saturdays off starting this week#and every doctor's office that ISN'T a complete shitshow is minimum 45 minutes away so i can't go on fridays unless it's early as FUCK#i'm actually about to start screaming and sobbing. i can't fucking do this anymore#the nurse at my therapy office told me she'd contact me roughly around this week to see if i can get in with their main psychiatrist#since the np was a fucking SHITSHOW (i've posted about it before. it was BAD)#and i haven't heard back and i'm going on two months 100% unmedicated. hormonal AND psychotropic#i'm actually losing my fucking mind#i'm becoming morr manic than i've been in probably a few YEARS#it's just all internal doom spiraling so my mom hasn't noticed that “hey my child is about to fucking SNAP”#“maybe i should call that doctor i promised to call in MAY because my child can't get in with their old quack gp anymore”#i still need to call the hospital i saw the quack endo at to see if they take my new insurance and if they have any other endos there#because i do better mentally on hormone meds than on psychotropic apparently. didn't expect that but whatever#main problem with the hormonal correction meds is that it makes me dysohoric as fuck. but when am i NOT dysphoric anymore#everything else is better mentally with my hormonal. the mania (that i didn't even process as hypomania until recently tbh) the depression#i need at LEAST my fucking hormonals before i lose my fucking SHIT#none of this is normal none of this is normal
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