#AND SEEING THE OPTIONS MADE IT WORSE
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STOP IT RIGHT NOW
#𖤐 ⋆。˚ mothe plays#love and deepspace#RAFAYEL AND XAVIER BOTH GOT ME FUCKED UP#THIS ONE HURT#AND SEEING THE OPTIONS MADE IT WORSE
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as fun as it is to talk about the sillay crow family dynamics, i'm soo interested in what this means for the crow familia going forward in a darker lens.
im mostly speaking from the perspective of a rook de riva who romanced lucanis btw <3
illario brought the axe down on his own head after failing to take first talon. he's imprisoned except to play house whenever caterina wants to see him around for family dinners before tensions inevitably shove him back into the cage he's been left to like some house pet lmfao. it's actually kinda fucked up and as a certified sicko i love it. especially considering the casualness in which lucanis describes all of this. crows gotta be a little unhinged<3
But!!! while lucanis was right that illario's reputation is ruined forever as a traitor crow beaten to his knees before every house that doesn't exactly free house dellamorte either. Talon houses will want their pound of flesh of illario for nearly trying to put antiva under venatori control. and yet lucanis refused. house dellamorte showed mercy. they are breaking the rules, making exceptions. this is not how the crows operate and there should--WILL be retaliations for it. illario left this house bleeding in his attempt to claim first talon and their blood is in the water now with house dellamorte having a sole heir who blatantly exposed a weakness and seemingly has no lineage to take after him.
and nevermind that we know murmurs amongst the crows will linger about a first talon being an abomination. i know lucanis kind of handwaves it off as at the coffee date like 'there could be worst first talons' but baby boy, you have avoidance and denial issues this WILL become worse of a problem the longer it goes on. <3
more under the cut bc i didn't realize this was getting so long lol
but in comes fifth talon viago de riva. a bastard to the king of antiva who wants to strengthen the crown. a man who has been ruthlessly exacting and meticulous to get where he is now. and the scariest part is that he has ambition, always has, and knows he has more power than the king himself to make plays if he needs to. this makes for a dangerous (and sexy) combination. in comes his protege rook. casting silly family dynamics aside, viago knows this union between house dellamorte and de riva is extremely beneficial for both houses but also very dangerous. even he knows his ties to teia show a weakness in him that other crows may seek to exploit. and while i do think he may be sincere about wanting rook to find their happiness with lucanis as he has with teia - i truly think he will not shy from showing the importance of a 'political alliance/union' especially with first talon house dellamorte struggling from the blow after all is said and done.
and of course, by extension to de riva, house cantori and the beautiful lovely miss teia, will be extending her support to strengthen their houses but also herself from any opposition. as much as i love that she's kind of the heart that brings this fucked up lil familia together, i know she is just as cunning and clever to recognize what this alliance does for her too.
and caterina.. well, without going into a whole thought piece on her, she has built her (and her grandson's reputation) entirely to instill fear in others, even command enough respect to know she's the one running things while lucanis is just a stand-in as first talon. but what happens when caterina is gone? another dellamorte dead just like all the others. all lucanis has left is himself and his traitor brother. how does he handle illario? how does he fair being a leader to the crows when he didn't want any of this in the first place and no longer has caterina to guide him? how does he wish to pursue carrying the dellamorte legacy (if at all)? does he seek a protege of his own to take on after him? i can't remember who says it (viago or lucanis) but there's a line about how saving thedas will make their houses immortal (hot and very sexy) but also how far can that reputation protect house dellamorte, really?
i don't really have a point to all of this, this is all just stuff im simply chewing on and letting out into the ether because the ripple effect of repercussions with what illario did and what lucanis now has to deal with fascinates me SO MUCH.
#it's all so fucked up (affectionate)#dragon age#lucanis dellamorte#illario dellamorte#as much as i know in my heart lucanis deserves to be a malewife i really like to see him in situations i fear 😔 take him away from me#i still stand by what i said about wishing there was an option to kill illario bc i think hardening luca w/ that is also a fun avenue#to explore BUT letting illario live and imprisoned also kind of cooks ngl#(but im still giving the writers shit tho bc we know we couldnt do any substantial exploration of 'this is fucked up. what if we did that--#-- and made them worse' with the companion storylines)#aev plays da4#veilguard spoilers#datv spoilers#viago de riva#teia cantori#also thank you to my bestie for bouncing back and forth w/ me about this <3#long post
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kaneeka: i cant understand how you can walk in the woods after last night... petra: u ever hear of scary dog privilege
#my art#oc art#my oc#digital art#artists on tumblr#illustration#digital painting#scarlet hollow#scarlet hollow wayne#sam wayne#scarlet hollow mc#Petra Scarlet OC#petra is my jerk oc i made to see all the mean options and she gets like 10x worse knowing she has a personal bodyguard lol#black tabby games#scarlet hollow fanart
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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards
*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a#few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but#you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device#they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause#nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to#keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter#raaa#and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs
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walter white from breaking bad
Walter Hartwell White (Breaking Bad) is an Anime Girl!
#my name is walter hartwell white. i live at 308 negra arroyo lane albuquerque new mexico 87104. this is my confession. if youre watching thi#s tape im probably dead. murdered by my brother in law hank schrader. hank has been building a meth empire for over a year and using me as#is chemist. shortly after my 50th birthday hank came to me with a rather shocking proposition. he asked that i use my chemistry knowledge t#cook methamphetamine which he would then sell using his connections in the drug world. connections that he made through his career with the#DEA. i was... astounded. i always thought that hank was a very moral man and i was thrown. confused. but i was also particularily vulner#able at the time. something he knew and took advantage of. i was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. han#took me on a ride along and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. and i was weak. i didnt want my family to#go into financial ruin so i agreed. every day i think back at that moment with regret. i quickly realized that i was in way over my head an#hank had a partner. a man named gustavo fring. a business man. hank essentially sold me into servitude to this man and when i tried to quit#fring threatened my family. i didnt know where to turn. eventually hank and fring had a falling out. from what i can gather hank was always#pushing for a greater share of the business to which fring flatly refused to give him and things escalated. fring was able to arrange uh i#uess you could call it a hit. on my brother in law. and failed but hank was seriously injured. and i ended up paying his medical bills whic#amounted to a little over 177000. upon recovery hank was bent on revenge working with a man named hector salamanca. he plotted to kill frin#and did so. in fact the bomb that he used was built by me and he gave me no option in it. i have often contemplated suicide but i am a cowa#d. i wanted to go to the police but i was frightened. hank had risen in the ranks to become head of the DEA and about that time to keep me#n line he took my children. for 3 months he kept them.my wife who up until that point had no idea of my criminal activities was horrified t#learn what i had done. why hank had taken our children. we were scared. i was in hell i hated myself for what i had brought upon my family.#recently i tried once again to quit to end this nightmare and in response he gave me this. i cant take this anymore. i live in fear every#ay that hank will kill me or worse hurt my family. i... all i could think to do was make this video in hope that the world will finally see#this man for what he really is.#breaking bad#walter white#your fave is an anime girl#your fave is#hall of fame
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Reading MW takes on Twitter is like reading a summary of the Bible from someone who only watched like a Family Guy family special about it
#did we play the same game? did we see the same themes yes themes as in plural#like my god get off ur fucking high horses or stop trying to make a unique theory just to be unique#like if it clearly doesn’t fit the plot it causes unnecessary arguments#people are weird and weirdly obsessed with making like the issues in the game solely interpersonal when it is clearly very institutional#with everything we learn about PE and how hard they make it to seek justice or safety#and ur treating it like the average person is a horrible troll monster#when the game really tries to show you how humans people become bad or can be enabled to do their worse through many different ways#but go ahead make it seem like all the men are like willingly Jimmy’s goon squad of predator enablers pls pls pls just look from another#view point I’m begging yall sometimes it’s good to leave those echo chambers#like taking parts of conversations out of context to make characters look better or worse is literally a tactic Jimmy uses ur using Jimmy#tactics to prove ur point dummy head#side tag tangent I am also very annoyed with how many people really do think Curly could’ve just had changes made to the ship during the#travel like a big point is that they barely had resources to just survive regularly#other than random scrap and wires for serious repairs they def didn’t just have locks laying about nor are the doors outside of medical and#the cockpit are suited to install locks like the whole point of the illusion of choice#is that at the end the options presented were never gonna be viable whether it was because of the time needed to execute them the standards#they were under or their lack of resources all mainly caused by PE no matter how much Curly#wanted to do something there’s very little he could’ve#even the ideas posed we have would have only happened after the assault and done little to actually stop the crash when you think about it#and it’s sad and sounds weird but that’s the case#mouthwashing
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A very normal scientist doing very normal gene splicing experiments (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#Wobbledogs#Sometimes media flooding bleeds over into other interests at the same time and yes that is my only justification for this lol#I'm always most amused by the sequence of things lol - I'd already started in on Handplates again but then got very diverted by Wobbledogs#Which is especially weird to me because I was introduced to the game like half a year ago and it didn't really grab me#It's cute but eh it's fine - and then I watched a proper lightly edited playlist not like jumpcut-jumpcut-jumpcut#That can make for a very punchy one-off but it doesn't really reflect the gameplay loop#So actually getting to see it properly made the difference and I kinda Get It now and also kinda want to own the game lol#MeanWhile - Ghoster's been hanging out as my desktop buddy literally /while/ watching and I was getting new ideas on that front#They smushed together lol#Having him onscreen is just a good excuse to do a quick once-over style of study and follow some silly ideas haha#What would Gaster think of a progressive mutation type game ♪ Watching them grow watching them struggle to walk#Only uses the scold feature - or the worse option that he treats the dogs better than the skelebros noooo haha#Pretty much all of the creatures in Undertale are sentient to some degree aren't they :0 Wobbledogs are just dogs#They're not monsters but they're not humans but they're not exactly just dogs either - just little creachurs haha#It's fun to imagine him nurturing anyone or anything haha ♪ Goes from ''???'' to ''How can I help this reach their full potential''#Whatever ''potential'' means in his own context hehe#It's cute in its own way
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i just watched all of us strangers and um, that shit hits hard
#mescal my new crush with three of my all time favourite actors?! lgbtq rep?!#you bet i was watching that#(spoilers ahead >>)#but fml the tag under it said ''fantasy'' so i sort of went in with a hint#except at first i thought it was like a dystopian thing or an alien thing#and then it just got worse when my only two options turned out to be ''he sees ghosts'' or ''he suffers from schizophrenia''#😭😭 and the last scene omfg the scene where he founds him dead bro I FELT THAT COMING#i wasn't expecting to read the guy was already dead since the first day they show him?!#like stop. why did i even go digging further#yeah it made sense bc of the smell but 😭😭 i was already destroyed you didn't need to fucking kill him alright#let's not even begin to unwrap the whole rollercoaster with his parents bc i've got my issues myself and ugh#idek if anyone's gonna read this but i needed to vent#listen it was a good film but it has some touchy subjects frme#at least it wasn't all in his mind 😭#fml it'd been some time since a film destroyed me like this#films#all of us strangers#paul mescal#andrew scott#rambling
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speaking of doylist explanations, i do tend to default to one on the question of why missy has a(n interrupted) redemption arc when the other versions of her don't, which is definitely down to the fact that all the new who showrunners seem to go with the view that master as a character exists to be a dark mirror of the doctor, and moffat's the one who doesn't view the doctor as fundamentally good but as someone who has to continually choose to not be terrible. so if the doctor can choose to be bad then by extension it must be true that the master could choose to be good. it's like poetry, it rhymes!
#also:#missy's plan to kill bill to get rid of the monks *would* work but the doctor doesn't consider it an option because it's a bad choice.#but oh there must have been a moment where he made the choice to not make that choice (if you see what i mean)#no wonder missy in the vault wants to make a big deal of the fact that not every choice *can* be rejected. it's hard for her! 😭#all 3 showrunners know the doctor will do worse things when they're emotionally vulnerable but moffat i think takes it further?#as in rtd's doctor doing something bad cos he's sad is not *good* or admirable but it's treated as pretty much inevitable. sympathetic?#whereas moff!who is several times very concerned with the fact that a sad doctor is dangerous to everyone around them#because now the good choices have become harder to make and to stick to.#anyway this is probably obvious to everyone but i wanted to type it all out for my own reasons.#i fucking love missy 😭#but she's only morally ambiguous because she needs to match a doctor who was not just somehow born as an inherently good person.#dw#this is also why doctor/master is my fave pairing *now* but i didn't make that leap until missy showed up and all this stuff was centered.#omg what if the hero and the villain swapped places?? or at least wanted to?? and also they kissed each other on the mouth??? 😭😍
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i wanted to say since theyre putting slightly more focus on donkey kong i hope they port donkey kong jungle beat to the switch but i realized if they do, it will just be the wii remake and not the bongos
#what i want is the bongos. i need to slap the drums so hard i bburst a blood vessel in my hand. again#i dunno. i know a lot people dont like gimmicks and they dont really sell#but the sell point of the wii was the motion controls and for better or worse you couldnt do anything without wonky motion controls#then again the switch main sellpoint is the portability. but the joycons themselves have so many functions not used#that i see outside of 12 switch or nintendo labo found dead in miami#its the last three consoles wii wiiu and 3ds in one and half the time i forget there is a touch screen#i dunno what im trying to say#it was nice that for skyward sword hd they give you the option to use motion controls or button controls even though i didnt like the butto#s but now we don't get anything but buttons at all anymore i miss the weird untrusty variety#anyway i didnt know people didn't like playing with the bongos but if the speaker breaks or becomes too sensitive you are pretty much fucke#cause you cant clap anymore but it does take away the experience a bit without them. they were made with them in mind afterall#without them its just donkey kong country but not very good#its good as the game it is. its bad if it were donkey kong country#you know what it really is though? its mario galaxy 0
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lets think of everyone who had persona blogs and obliterated them off the face of the earth instead of just archiving and keep them in our thoughts tonight. everyone else who directly caused them into doing that go and fucking behave
#kommento#// talking about people I admire or just knew and realized the majority of the persona ones completely blew up what related them to prsona#// some started from scratch or picking up off of anything salvageable and are now living a better online life only to be haunted by#// those who knew them before and would rather not be reminded and just lightly brush away those asking because they genuinely don't know#// the games aren't all that bad and their flaws are of different circumstances that can only be explained differently from one another#// but that one scrap of the community can just tear away at your soul taking something you love and made with love to become fuel for fire#// it's clear when you've been scarred and everyone handles those scars differently. if they show them valiantly or still hide them#// in any other case. stepping out of your bubble you made around you reminds you just how horrid everything you blocked out really is#// it's worse when it seeps into the cracks you couldn't patch and it comes back to make you rot until you deal with it#// I know how others would just get up and abandon their blogs or accounts and let them be archived#// but with this community I fear they do their best to wipe that entire footprint off of the face of the web as much as they can#// and these people were the smartest and sweetest ever and handled the characters they love with care and consideration and love#// to be caught in the middle of a war they didn't want to fight for their characters or opinions that the best option was just leave#// my complete and utter fear to never get to viral heights and if I did I'd try to keep my anonymity as much as possible because#// the tales have been told scare me so much I don't want to experience it#// its been too long I really shouldn't be a hater about this at this point but something got me to pinch my nose bridge really hard#// well whatever. I'm glad I've made this space for me and for all of you. whatever you see this place as. a gas station or what#// everyone of you here warms my heart even if you come and go. I'm just glad I know I touched people's hearts and circulated#// my love for something so silly around other people
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#controversial slightly radical political take incoming#im so sorry but i cant stand the 'vote blue no matter who' crowd like yall are the reason why we are in this mess in the first place#pushing unpopular centrist genocide supporting candidates and then acting shocked that they lose and blaming liberals not voting-#when republicans would NEVER push a candidate as far left as biden and hillary are right and thats why they keep winning#and acting like committing genocide being a red line to not vote for someone is a bad thing be so fucking serious#they would vote for someone who supported the holocaust in the 40s as long as they called themselves a democrat while doing it#the fucking tactic of vote for our guy because the other guy is ~worse~ instead of giving people something to actually care about#ISNT WORKING OUT SO WELL HUH who would have thought#genuinely that is why bernie made it so far in 2016. because he made people hope that things could even start to change.#and unfortunately trump also did that for his base. and even more unfortunately. the dnc saw that and stomped it out. and then THEY lost.#fear mongering fascism to people watching protesters against genocide getting beaten by cops under the administration youre pushing#isn't exactly that convincing. sorry.#like yeah. we need the majority in the house and senate for sure. but president wise? you cant convince me there is a 'less' evil option#like how dare you even insinuate that after all that has been done in these past nine months tbh#i think its the fucking sugar coating that really pisses me off more than anything#like. you do not have to make biden out to be a good man in any way just to make trump seem like a bad one. thats already established.#youre voting for evil. either way. just accept it. there is no 'less'. trying to absolve yourself from that is what pisses me off.#and 'voting blue no matter who' is what got us all here in the first place. convincing ourselves that here is a less evil in every situatio#sorry. im done now. i just hate seeing all those guilt tripping 'well now you HAVE to vote' posts on my timeline.#politics
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i have to wonder what super hardcore militant vegans think should be done about obligate carnivore animals, because in all my painfully-rapidly-approaching-30-years i've literally never actually seen anyone give a clear consistent much less halfway feasible answer on that
#mostly i've just seen like “how dare you ask questions you just want an excuse to murder you're sealioning ect”#or worse some vague and wildly improbable nonsense about like. fake robot animals covered in beyond meat or something equally convoluted#which is a thing i did see someone suggest as a serious answer#i mean i already know they think i'm a genetically inferior hateful vampire that should starve to death for the greater good#because my exact combination of health conditions make meat basically the only semi-safe way i can get close to enough nutrients#i know this because they have repeatedly told me that i'm either evil or should be sacrificed or both#and yelled at me for asking questions by bringing up the whole disabled thing and then they're like#“a lot of vegans i know are advocates for disability!” as if that ever means jack shit in the society that results from anything#no matter what you do a vast majority of people in any given society will *not* be advocates for the disabled. i'm sorry they just won't.#and what do you think public perception of people who physically can't survive like that is going to skew towards#in a society founded on the belief that non-vegan diets are evil?#at absolute best we're looking at being a heavily marginalized class generally seen as something like vampires and our existences taboo.#(as if these type's own insistence that they should be allowed to harass and shame people doesn't disprove their assertion that we won't be#thinking it could possibly go any better than that is a fucking fairy tale. human nature doesn't work that way.#you simply cannot eliminate the human desire to designate and abuse a class of have-nots. the absolute best you can do is mitigate damage.#take it from someone who's been multiple kinds of disabled and chronically ill all my life. people will not “just”. ever.#i get this even from people who are otherwise very aware of and VERY GOOD at avoiding this sort of thinking#“i'm a disability advocate!” no you are not. you are a poster. my experience has taught me that what people advocate for in their free time#means precisely jack shit for how they will actually act when faced with the situations they make otherwise rational posts about#and the fact of the matter is even if you somehow really are the perfect disability advocate a majority of people WILL NOT BE YOU.#a majority of people in society will be margrat from accounting who clutches her pearls when she sees the gays and thinks autism isnt real#and who has never had a nuanced thought in her life and actively does not want to#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will not be you and your friends who march with wheelchair users and volunteer at the shelte#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will be jenny who starved 8 cats to death on broccoli because she can't be bothered#and who thinks that “carnivores” are actual nazis and don't deserve healthcare because she saw someone say that online.#ALWAYS assume your society will be made up mostly of the worst kind of person it can because it WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE and you can't change it#most people seek the low-effort option. and evil is most often banal and low-effort.#i'm just so fucking tired of every single even vaguely lefty-adjacent political movement simultaneously acting like i don't fucking exist#and at the same time that i need to be sacrificed to achieve Utopia. god. at least conservative whackjobs are upfront and honest about#how they think that i'm a burden on society that needs to be Eugenics'd . rather than trying to morally gaslight me about it.
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🎨📝☎️🛼🌈🚪⏪️💡🫀
Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've?) by Buzzcocks
previous ⏮️ now playing ⏭️ next back to playlist
#stranger things#bizarre love triangle playlist#byler#will byers#mike wheeler#el hopper#triadic pov?#the triple repetition of 'ever fallen in love with someone-' fits so perfectly with these three and their insecurities#so i made sure to give each of them that final line with 'someone you shouldn't've fallen in love with' bc it applies to all of them#reminder: yellow = will / blue = mike / red = el#'you spurn my natural emotions. you make me feel like dirt and i'm hurt' - will#this would coincide with their fights in s3-4 with will confronting mike about the way he makes him feel bc of his actions#both fights end with mike sort of denying will's concerns only to end with them parting ways leaving mike feeling lost in his thoughts#'and if i start a commotion. i run the risk of losing you and that's worse' - mike#THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE EXPLAINS LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT MIKE'S DILEMMA TO A T#mike doesn't think being honest in this situation is an option bc it could risk him losing will altogether#'i can't see much of a future. unless we find out what's to blame what a shame' - will#obviously will (like mike) has always pictured their future overlapping but lately that hope has started to dwindle. what a shame indeed.#'and we won't be together much longer. unless we realize that we are the same' - el#this is my way of sneaking in some willel twin crumbs. sue me#mike is having quite a bit of trouble juggling his relationship with will and el#unless he realizes they are the same (twins) he's never going to be able to leave his constant state of denial#'you disturb my natural emotions. you make me feel like dirt and i'm hurt.' - el#the difference between el and will's lyric is the word 'spurn' and disturb'... I just think disturb matches el a bit more than will#'and if i start a commotion. i'll only end up losing you and that's worse' - mike#slight lyrical change here for mike here is 'risk' vs 'end up'#mike thinks by telling el the truth losing her is pretty much guaranteed#anyways s/out to shrek 2 for reminding me of this gem that fits the bizarre love triangle trio perfectly#4x08#gif
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oh man i made such a mistake. this is awful. this is so awful. it’s so fucking stupid it’s not even funny it loops back around to me losing my shit everytime it’s on screen. i have to deal with being called babygirl shitass for some hundred fucking hours oh my god
#immediate regret. its so bad. i hate the me of an hour and something ago#why did i do this to myself#p4g posting#i think it’s only been in dialogue all of once so far but i see it every time i save#it’s just bad it’s bad this this is the worst thing i’ve ever done#i thought it’d be like naming myself dude or smartass in pokemon but it’s not it’s really not it’s so much worse#can someone go back in time and kill me#i could probably get through this whole first bit in 20 minutes if i restarted#but i feel this responsibility to lie in this can of worms i made#so i can’t. it’s not an option. all i can do is bitch and whine and struggle to breathe#rambles
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guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment
#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today#im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts#the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming#so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse#im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited#i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something#then i doubt anything will.#reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore#im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months#but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made#because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year.#even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer#only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at#what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds#idk what to do#i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect#i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this
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