#5 things you need to know about autistic burnout

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Five Things You Need to Know About Autistic Burnout

Kingfisher Psychology

[ithseem]

CONGRATS ON 150!!!!!

For TWST, which characters would you see get along with someone "opposite" from them?

Feel free to just do your top 5. Or just the people you think would have the largest reaction.

(GN Reader and can be read as platonic or romantic. Also not beta read.)

(Warnings: none)

An interesting ask indeed

If I had to pick five people in no particular order, I would have to go with...

Kalim Al-Asim

It's no secret that this guy gets along with almost anybody, and someone who's his opposite is no different (*cough*Jamil*cough)

I feel like someone who is the workaholic and serious type would be a good fit for Kalim (I cannot guarantee that you'll agree at first), as you can keep him focused on his own duties (boi's scatterbrained as hell)

Kalim is one of the few genuinely kind people in all of Night Raven College, even if he can come off a little strong. If you are skeptical or cynical, I think Kalim would be the breath of fresh air you need if you give him a chance

He can also be a bit unaware of his surroundings and the atmosphere, so you might need to tell him to reign in his enthusiasm a bit

Likewise, Kalim would tell his uptight friend (or romantic partner) that it is okay to let loose and have a little bit of fun sometimes. If you don't exactly know how to do that he'll be more than happy to help

Malleus Draconia

Malleus grew up pretty sheltered for most of his life so I feel like a cheerful and extraverted type of person would be a great change of pace for him

Malleus has lived his life being feared by almost everyone who's even his heard name, so someone who would treat him as a normal person would be a tad overwhelming for him. Even more so if you know who he actually is and treats him like that regardless

I feel like the friendship (or romance) between you two would be like the duality of cinnamon roll: Malleus is the cinnamon roll who looks like he could kill you, meanwhile, you would look like a cinnamon roll (or be one) but can kill a mf. That or you could actually be a cinnamon roll

I headcanon that Malleus is autistic, and it is canon that he has a special interest in gargoyles, so I think he would get along with someone who would listen to him ramble about them

This goes both ways. If you have a special interest (or a hyperfixation) he will listen to you ramble about it for hours

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle is the definition of gifted kid burnout syndrome, and I think someone more laid back or outgoing would be something he'd appreciate in one way or another

Riddle would appreciate someone who is easygoing and easy to interact with since he's not very good at socializing (being strictly bound by rules does that to a mf)

If you happen to be a rule breaker (within reasonable bounds of course) he will be a bit surprised the first time you do it. If it is something minor like wearing the wrong colour socks or something, he'll try to overlook it, but for more serious offences, he will tell you off

And if his rule lawyering gets too out of hand, you will have to call him out on it

Ace Trappola

This little shit has absolutely no filter and will say what is on his mind, so I think someone more diplomatic would be a good counterbalance for him

I also feel like Ace holds a sort of fascination with more reserved people (he can deny it all he wants and say that they're boring as hell, but I don't believe him), so I think he would be the type of person to get them out of their shell.

I think this is especially true when it comes to voicing your opinions (many of which are either objectively correct or good things can come from at least speaking them)

I also like to think that their opposite can see right through his shit and calls him out for it. Their opposite is honest and has a built-in bullshit detector, and he cannot get anything past them

He does of course come to appreciate them for everything you

Leona Kingscholar

This cynic of a housewarden will not like you at first. You are everything he isn't: cheerful, friendly, in tune with the needs of others, and dare he say it? a little too naive and gung ho?

He can say that he doesn't need you to help him with his mental health, but we all know that's untrue (just watch, he's gonna give in if you're patient with him and give him space)

Your bright personality is what draws so many people to them, so he becomes jealous

Over time he would often come and kidnap you to either practice spelldrive or to take naps with him. He can say that he did it out of boredom all he wants, but it's just not true

Congratulations! You now have a friend (or romantic partner) in Leona

[drawingdroid]

The Unknown Regions V

A Din Djarin x Fem Plus Size Reader Fic

Summary: Grogu is gone and Din Djarin, surprisingly, needs your help. As an astrophysicist, you haven't seen a lot of action, but you're onboard the Razor Crest without a second thought. Flying to the Wild Space together will be a life-changing experience for both of you. In more than one way.

The Unknown Regions Masterlist | Read it on AO3

Warnings: Expect conversations about weight, body dysmorphia and internalised fatphobia that may be triggering, so read at your own discretion; reader is AFAB and user she/her pronouns; no use of y/n; smut; the bucket stays on; naked female clothed male; fluff and smut; hurt and comfort; Sad Din :(

Word count: 3,136

A/N:  I've taken so long to close this chapter since I was having a major episode of autistic burnout bothering me. But slowly I'm recovering and finally forced myself to do the things I enjoy like writing fics! So I'm back with this story! It keeps getting longer so I initially planned 5 chapters but they'll end up being 7. This one is longer and then 6 will be pure filth ;) and 7 will serve as a kind of epilogue. Strap on for some confessions and feelings in this one! Also, keldabe kiss if you catch the reference in the chapter end!

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“Hi sweetheart”, you cooed, your tone soft and quiet.

The kid was poking his little face behind the doorframe, looking at his dad and you alternatively. The first day after rescuing him, he didn’t want to eat anything and Din was crazy worried. Normally, he said, he had quite the appetite. The boy just napped on his father’s chest, sometimes waking up weeping from nightmares. Your heart ached for him. What had he possibly gone through on that planet to be like that? Din and you decided that waiting for you to be introduced to Grogu was the best since he wasn’t feeling safe. But for the last hours, he seemed like he was recovering, eating finally some food and looking better. 

As Din expected, the whole plan was aimed to lure him into a trap. An act of revenge from some pirates that, thankfully, didn’t know anything about the kid’s powers and just abducted him as bait when they couldn’t defeat his dad back on Tatooine. He came all hurt from the battle. You had been anxiously waiting for him, feeling powerless to stay back, but accompanying him would have been a liability. To keep yourself busy, you run some diagnostics about the planet. It wasn’t the moment to be excited, but landing on a planet you had just discovered was something any scientist would dream about. So you were distracted by studying the atmosphere and taking some samples from the soil when you saw him limping through the forest, you left your tools to run towards him. You were going to ask when he put his pointer finger where his lips would be in a universal signal. Silence. Then, he looked between his arms and you followed. Between his strong arms, there was bundled the most precious creature you had ever seen. His son. The baby was snoring softly under his blanket and you nodded in understanding.

After entering the hull, his arm over your shoulders, he didn’t let you give him treatment. His one and only goal was to be sure of the kid’s health. He took his temperature, listened to his tiny lungs and tried feeding him. Shortly after it was clear the only damage the boy had suffered was psychological. He didn’t rest nor sleep, and you accompanied him the whole time. Watching the baby rest on Din’s breastplate, and how the warrior caressed the little fuzzy head, made your heart go wild. The love and devotion he demonstrated to his kid only made you fonder of The Mandalorian.

After the incident that had interrupted your heavy make-out session, you didn’t touch again. Din was laser-focused on the mission, especially when you landed and he had to recover all the information possible about the enemy’s base. For that, it was useful to have brought your little drone droid with you, the type that was launched to unknown planets to retrieve information. Din frowned at the little droid at first, but when it proved its worth he became more accepting about it. It was the droid that provided a map of the underground base, checked if the air was breathable and let Din know how many enemies were stationed there.

When he didn’t start the take-off protocol upon his arrival, you were worried about your safety but didn’t say anything. Later you’d learn he had killed them all. How that information should have felt? Frightening, probably, disgusting. But the fact that he slayed more than twenty pirates just to avenge his son and ensure his safety was kind of incredible. You only admired him more for that. 

Before arriving on the planet, you had lamented the lack of intimacy. Your rational self told you he was having complicated feelings, that he was preparing himself for the mission and didn’t have time for that. In fact, he was making an inventory of his weapons and cleaning them regularly. But the thing was that your feelings were hurt and you couldn’t stop overthinking about your past intercourse. He had been so vulnerable it had broken your heart. He had cried in your lap, and you had held him until he calmed down, caressing there where the beskar didn’t protect his flesh. You knew it wasn’t about you, for kriff’s sake, but that little voice inside your head said the contrary. That he had thought it better. That he felt repulsed by you. Like a mantra, you repeated his praise words in your head to keep the overthinking away when you were trying to sleep.

The intimacy didn’t return, but the boy did, and he was feeling better every day. Grogu was a curious and energetic kid and it took a lot to keep up with him. His appetite returned eventually, and you could see how Din was relaxing little by little. The day he introduced both of you, the baby had toddled towards your boot and hugged it, and then started to babble incoherently. It turned out to be a good signal because from that day you became buddies. With any spare part, cloth or scrap, you made him toys and invented little games to let Din rest from time to time. You grew very fond of the kid, he was a charmer and you liked children. Often, his dad observed you both, normally after waking up from a much-needed nap. He stated immobile, looking at both of you, and you’d flash him a smile. Maybe he didn’t want you anymore, maybe it had been just a desperate moment of need, but something about the way his hands twitched when he looked at you gave you hope.

Eventually, you needed to refuel and buy supplies on your way to Tatooine. You didn’t want to think about the day all of this would end. You tried not to. But the shadow was there. The fact was that you didn’t miss your workplace. All the return trip, you had been working on your data about the new planet and sending it to the observatory, discovering further about the chemistry of its atmosphere and soil. You’d been researching about the moon you saw when you were in orbit, a satellite you didn’t notice from the observatory. It was real, it was tangible. It wasn’t only numbers and abstract calculations, a part you enjoyed, but now you had discovered it wasn’t enough.

The planet you had landed on for your supply run was a safe one, so you accompanied Din through the market. Compared to Tatooine, this place was so lush and colourful, so you were enjoying yourself a lot by asking vendors and looking through things.

“Do you like this carpet?” Din surprised you with his question while you were checking some shawls.

“What?” He just pointed to a beautiful and fluffy carpet hanging on a stall.

“It’s lovely! It’ll warm the Razor Crest for sure, the kid can play on it…”

“It’s for you.” He cut you, changing his weight uncomfortably.

“I ruined your carpet back on Tatooine. By bleeding.” 

Your laugh took him by surprise apparently. After everything, he was thinking of replacing your carpet? He was so, so sweet and your heart ached a bit.

“You don’t need to buy me a carpet, you have already given me more than more than I could dream of.” You didn’t intend to sound that deep, it was only a carpet for maker’s sake! But the truth was that you felt so grateful for the opportunity Did had given you by travelling with him. He tilted his head and crossed his arms. The kid started to play with the carpet’s tassels, but all of Din’s attention was on you.

“I don’t understand. You left everything to help us. The least I could do…” He looked to both sides, noticing all the vendor’s eyes were on them. There wasn’t a place to have that conversation. “Let’s go back to the Crest.” You nodded and followed after untangling the kid from the soft tassels. It was a beautiful carpet, to be honest.

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After spending the day in the market, full of new and exciting things, the kid was snoring even before arriving at the Razor Crest. Both of you stayed silent to not disturb the baby, so your conversation was postponed for the moment.

Din had landed on a quiet forest clearing, and the only sound was the humming of the nocturnal birds. The temperature was nice, so silently you both agreed to light a campfire to cookdinner and luckily, hang out a bit. He went to put Grogu in his little hammock while you looked for firewood, so you had some space for yourself to think.

“Don't go too far,” he'd said seriously, and as other times you noticed his gaze lingering more than necessary in you. You'd smiled and rolled your eyes playfully. He was worrying too much, this was a safe planet after all. But you couldn't deny that his concerns about your safety warmed your heart a little too much.

While looking for the most promising branches in the surroundings of the clearing, you thought about the carpet event. It made you think about your home. You felt ashamed about how little though you had put on the fact that you'd be in your cabin again, soon. The little space you had worked hard to get, your sanctuary. And you didn't miss it a little bit. Well, maybe your bathtub and scented candles. But that was it.

The fact was that flying in the Razor Crest felt like home. And it didn't have anything to do with the old hunk of metal and its barren, utilitarian interior. It was Din, who made you feel safe, your unspeakable connection. How he had held you, as the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And the addition of the child only had made the sensation grow. The little critter was beyond adorable and you loved the humble routines the three of you had established. And observing how his dad took care of him, so gently and patiently, only made you grow fonder of the Mandalorian.

But everything had to end. Something too similar to grief started to grow inside of your chest. You pressed the firewood harder against your body. There was enough to light a nice bonfire so you decided to return to the Crest. After all, you had a pending conversation with Din.

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

Together you started the campfire and prepared a delicious meal with the fresh produce from the market. You insisted on cooking something from your birthplace since the ingredients were available, and Din indulged. Since you were flying together, he would always wait to eat after you or eat in the cockpit, but the stew was ready and he wasn't moving. You didn’t know what to do.

“I'll go change, tell me if you like it!” Din looked at you and nodded slowly. It was strange, he was even more silent than normal.

Putting your night clothes on, you felt relieved. With what you had been wearing, although cute, your thighs had been burning after some hours of walking in the warm weather. You refreshed yourself a little and checked if the kid was still asleep and well.

“Are you visible?” You asked before going down the hull, hoping he had had enough time to have dinner in peace.

“Yes, you can come out.” You descended the ramp eager to have your homemade dinner, but you had to stop a moment to admire the sight. He looked beautiful under the flames, reflecting them in the beskar he always kept impeccable. “What?” He asked, catching you mesmerized by him. Your heart instantly spiked, feeling caught.

“Nothing just…your beskar looks…beautiful.” Your cheeks warmed, and you activated again your legs to sit beside the campfire. He passed a full bowl of the stew to you, still steamy and you thanked him.

“It was delicious,” he commented casually after a while. “I even had a second serving.” You lifted your eyebrows, knowing how rare that was for him. He ate the bare minimum, even less than a man his size needed, you suspected.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” you responded, finishing the last drops of your meal. “My mother used to prepare this when I was feeling gloomy, it's…a comfort food.” You smiled, remembering how your mom would pace around the kitchen while you whimpered about your last teenage drama and how after a while, she'd produce the delicious stew that shut you up and made you feel much better. 

Din looked at the empty pot as if it contained all the responses to the secrets of the universe. 

“Did it work?” You asked out of nothing, feeling brave after the magic stew. Din looked at you, pot still in his hands.

“What?”

“The stew. Something is bothering you, right? Did it make it better?” You bite your lip, worrying about being intrusive. But was it a dream? The closeness you experienced with him? Deep in your heart, you were craving that vulnerability again. So you had to try.

Din sighed deeply and put the pot away. Intertwining his gloved hands, it looked like he was picking the right words and your chest tightened with anticipation.

“You've been…so kind. To me. To us. I don't know how to repay you.” His voice sounded husky and he looked troubled, you even felt bad. Bad because this good, caring man, felt like kindness was some type of currency and what that implied. 

How harsh has your life been, Din Djarin?

Carefully, you sat a bit closer to him. “Din, hear me out.” his helmet turned so fast when you said his name it was almost comical. “I didn't help you looking for something in return. First, you were wounded and I couldn't just let you die on my carpet.”  You grinned mentioning the blasted carpet again. “And then we were in Mos Espa and I saw a father in need who had lost his child.”

Remembering his sorrow then was almost painful. It had hurt watching him navigate the fear, the loss.

You waited, almost able to hear the gears of his brain, thinking about the possibility of disinterested kindness. 

“Before…in the market…you said I've already given me more than more than you could dream of.” His voice was quieter now and he was observing the fire. A question lingered in the air. 

You inhaled sharply hearing your sappy words in his mouth, feeling utterly ashamed. You were referring to traveling to the Unknown Regions, to the planet you had discovered, but it was more than that. It was the quiet intimacy of your day to day with them, his little thoughtful details to you, how he was determined to teach you to fly, or the weight of Grogu when he napped on your chest. 

Would you be brave? He had opened the door, but it was your decision to cross. You were afraid: if you opened your mouth, there wouldn’t be a way to come back. The point of no return.

“I’ve never felt like this before.” You confessed, trying to have the courage and looking at his visor. “I've never been further from home but with you… I feel safe to navigate even the Unknown Regions.” 

You twisted your nightgown in your hands, feeling like you could die from the embarrassment. Lucky for you he was going to leave you soon in Tatooine, because you'll never recover if he didn't feel the same. But once started your brain didn't stop to run all the things you wanted to say to him, like a dam breaking.

“I don't want anything in exchange for my help because being with you is the reward.” It was cheesy but it was also the truth. Now that you had bared your heart, you felt relief, but also like you were going to throw up. 

He had listened to you still like a beskar statue and your anxiety was spiking. The initial braveness had faded and now the overthinking was waiting for its moment to torture you.

But then he moved. Grabbed your hand, wrapping yours in his bigger palm. Like that first night when he told you about Grogu and you comforted him.

“Mesh’la.” All his body was now turned to you like he wasn’t only listening with his ears but all of him. “Is that true?” The emotion that his modulated voice transmitted, close to breaking, was a rare thing for him. It made you shiver as you squeezed his hand back.

“Yes Din, everything of it. I know I  should find myself wanting to go home after all these weeks, but I already feel like home here, with you.” Now even your ears felt hot and you had to look elsewhere or you’d combust.

Din sighed heavily. “You love your job, and you’re great at it.”

“That’s true,” you admitted, a pinch of sorrow fiding your chest, but also hopeful because he hadn’t rejected you yet. And because of what he had been implying.

Din looked at the Razor Crest, and then his gaze returned to you. “I haven’t felt at home for a long, long time,” he confessed, and something in you ached at the confession, “but since you’re onboard…” The Bounty Hunter looked at his boots and then cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I’m not good with words” At this point, your eyes were glossy and your lower lip was trembling.

“You’ve said plenty, Din.” He inhaled sharply and then gathered the courage to wrap your waist in an embrace. You happily curled against his cuirass, nesting your face against the crook of his neck. His right hand hadn’t left yours for a moment. The warmth you felt was incomparable with nothing you’d sensed before. It was like being so full of affection that you were in danger of spilling it. You wanted to smile and cry. 

“We’ll figure things out, mesh’la,” he said softly, tracing shapes in your back.

Goosebumps formed in your skin and inevitably you remembered the last (and first) time you were intimate. You were longing for another moment like that between you. The commanding but kind way Din had spoken to you, his adoring yourds and hands exploring your supple flesh? You sighed against his covered neck and his masculine scent filled your nostrils. It had an immediate effect on you, and soon arousal started to pool between your thighs.

“Din…,” you started, voice a little thick from desire.”...would you touch me tonight, please?”

His whole body tensed and his grip on you tightened. There was a knot in your stomach. There was a limit to how forward a girl could be on the same day.

“As you wish, mesh’la.” And before you could protest, he was carrying you to the belly of the Crest.

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

saw your recent post in the sanders sides tag - here goes:

Some of these are more fun-to-watch than relates-to-me, but I figure listing ‘em all will give you more to work with.

Listed in alphabetical order, except as needed to group sources together.

Alastor, Hazbin Hotel (show)

- He’s charming, confident, very good in his chosen field, and also happens to be AroAce. He appreciates jokes, but can also be intimidating.

Cayde-6, Destiny (game)

- Quick wit, quick shot. Always fun to hear his dialogue during missions and strikes. The kinda guy you’d go to for a good story (or if you’re lookin’ for extra paperwork to do).

Crow, Destiny (game)

- Good guy, interesting situation (read: tragic backstory). Not exactly doomed-by-the-narrative, but…

The Doctor (10th), Doctor Who (show)

- Honestly, not sure why. He’s just fun to watch. (Also, he has a very distinct/memorable way of phrasing things)

Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation (show)

- Yes, I’m Autistic; How’d you guess? (/j) Honestly though, having a discussion with him about humanity/social behaviors/other things would be SO interesting!

Odo, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 (show)

- If Odo and I were in the same room, I don’t think there’d be much talking. But, in a two-introverts-who-got-dragged-to-the-same-party-and-are-avoiding-the-humans-together kind of way. Companionable silence.

Spock, Star Trek: The Original Series (show)

- He’s just cool. (also a HUGE childhood influence towards logical thinking)

Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly (show)

- Protective of his crew, “Has a conscience, and hates it,” no-nonsense, practical thinker, quick wit, stubborn.

Simon Tam, Firefly (show)

- Very good at what he does (doctor), smart, stands by what he believes in (“when you’re on my table, you’re safe”), and who he cares about (his sister).

River Tam, Firefly (show)

- …River is a mood. Specifically, a “leave me alone, I can’t talk now, my brain is full of bees” mood.

Seth, Lost Terminal (podcast)

- He’s an AI who used to live in a satellite, and made his way down to a post-collapse Earth so he could talk to people. He often mentions the intricacies and confusing nuances of human communication, his distrust of plants and salt, and the fact that humans are quite fond of bread and beer.

Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5 (show)

- “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow.”

Michael Garibaldi, Babylon 5 (show)

- If any of the main cast could’ve broken the fourth wall, it would have been him. I don’t know what that says about his character, but it feels right.

Virgil Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- He’s the personification of (Thomas’) Anxiety, but he can be quite brave when he needs to be. When he’s under pressure/more anxious/needs to be listened to, he’ll act more abrasive, but he has a softer side (heh side) he shows when safe. He’s also the secondary brain cell holder of the main cast.

Logan Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- The brain cell (/pos). Also seems to be going through… gifted-kid-burnout-angst-stuff, for lack of a better term. Also nicknamed the Mom of the group, though someone pointed out that he didn’t choose that title for himself, which I thought was interesting.

Janus Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- I think you already saw him in another ask, so I’ll be brief: “You’re not stuck with an ‘evil snake boy.’ *pose* You’re just stuck with a snake boy.”

…After typing this all out, I’ve noticed that most of these fall into one of three categories:

~Autism~ TM (/pos)

Competent, might be an asshole

Protecc/Attacc

I don’t know what that means, but it’s kinda funny.

Have fun!

ANALYSIS #4: 06/11/24

It's about time I start getting around to all these new test subjects. I apologize for the wait, but I'm more than ready to see what you have in store for me here, #4.

I'm not familiar with the majority of these characters, so this could very much be a hit or miss analysis.... Your descriptions definitely aided me a lot, so thank you for that. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if this ends up being accurate at all...

Why don't we see if I got your backstory right first? It's where everything originates, after all.

"LORE":

You seem to be an observer in this game of life. I feel like you've spent a large part of your existence on the outskirts of everything, and the times you have joined the outside world were never completely of your own volition.... You don't feel like you particularly fit in as a "human", yet at the same time everything you feel is all too human. I can imagine it gets pretty overwhelming, and you've probably gotten a lot of heat for it in your younger years. Maybe you didn't have many friends growing up, and the ones you did have probably didn't live up to your expectations of what "friendship" was supposed to be. Maybe you've had friends that took advantage of you and it didn't even click until the damage was already done, or you stuck it out because.. that's what friendship's supposed to be about, right? Maybe you were just left out in general, always the second option unless they needed something out of you. Who knows. There could be a lot variations of what happened in your childhood regarding relationships, but I'm guessing they didn't always make much sense to you. It's probably why you stay on the outskirts so much. If the world won't let you experience humanity for yourself, you can at least watch humanity from afar.

I have a feeling your home life wasn't all that great? It wasn't particularly terrible-- you're grateful for what you were given-- but you wish there were things that were done differently. I think this also plays into the whole "disconnect from people" bit. Maybe they cared for you, but it was clear they didn't understand you, and it can be a little hard to be grateful when somebody's care is always... a little off? If that's the case, I bet it probably feels worse knowing that you can't really blame them for not understanding. Things are probably better now as you've grown, but there are things that still sting just a bit. Also for some reason I think you were homeschooled.... No reason why, it just came to mind, and I've learned trusting my gut makes my analyses more accurate. I'd like to see if that ends up being true.

Another thing that my gut keeps telling me is that the tism is strong in this one. You've already confirmed that, but I specifically feel like (i'm assuming you're diagnosed based on how you phrased "yes, i'm autistic") you were either diagnosed at a pretty early age or you were late diagnosed (probably because of icky-ew gendered stereotypes in medical fields) and it explained a whole hell of a lot of your childhood, to the point where you're surprised you weren't diagnosed way earlier in life. Heavily leaning to the latter, by the way, but the first still has a 5 to 15% chance of standing. Either way, it depicts why you'd feel such a heavy disconnect from the people around you. It's as if everyone was given a script to life, meanwhile you're forced to improv it the whole way through. Do you see life as a game? How much time have you dedicated to perfecting your skills, believing that perfecting them would be the key to winning these petty social games? Are you sure you're not still lost? Just some food for thought.

Anyways, with that all in mind, let's see what really goes on inside that head of yours...

THE TRUTH:

You still resent the world in a way, don't you? I can't shake the thought that there's still a resentment buried inside you that's been bubbling for a while. Maybe it's lessened a bit, but you can still feel it resurface every now and then. It's as if sometimes a reminder will come your way and it's another crack added to that bottle you've been storing all your emotions in. Like another poke at the confines will unleash everything you've been working on trying to maintain. I don't think it's spilled over yet, but I think we both know it's certainly not far from tipping over. You surprise even yourself with how much you've managed so far.

Part of you has lost your vulnerability. I'm not sure when or how, but I think it goes back to that disconnect from people. I don't think you've met anybody who's completely understood you yet, which has probably led to constant misunderstanding from everyone else. That kind of persistent detachment is bound to make anyone lose parts of themselves. If that's what happened, I'm sorry they took that part away from you. You deserved to be yourself without being shot down over and over, you still deserve that. It really is a shame that the world is too blind to see the beautiful depth in your soul. Complexity is never a flaw. Complexity is rarely even "complex". The world just needs to learn how to appreciate you at your core, and I truly hope they're able to see that in you soon. 

In fact, why don't I detail some of the complex beauty that I can pinpoint? If the world can't see it, then it only makes sense if I spell it out for them.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You're very attentive. You also seem to have some pretty good wit. That not only makes you a really great analyst, but I think it'd make you a pretty great comforter too. You're able to analyze and recognize patterns in people, and you seem to still hold a great appreciation for people despite how isolated people have made you feel. Despite always feeling like an outcast, there's still a part of you that cares. Those are qualities that truly great comforters have. However, with how confusing relationships with other people can be sometimes, I can also see why that would hinder your ability for it and turn you away. Nevertheless, the foundation is still strong. You're still strong. Use that to your advantage. Take back the life that you deserved. Show them that you are not the painting they've made of you.

I just feel like you're really funny for some reason, and probably pretty chill while still being able to stand your own ground and opinions. That's a highly respectable mix of traits to have, at least in my eyes. You also for some reason remind me of that main guy from Magnus Archives. I've never listened to Magnus Archives though. All of the information I know about that podcast has come from random clips I've stumbled upon and rants from my friends who are into it. But from the information I have on him, I view him as a weird little autistic guy who's always a little tired, a little witty, maybe a little too obsessed with analyzing sometimes, also probably on the aroace spectrum. However, he's also a hard worker who-- when he cares about people-- he really cares about them, and if he likes you then you could probably drag him just about anywhere (even if he grumbles the whole way through). Now I have zero clue if any of that is true to his character, but I feel like it could maybe fit yours, and I at least think people like that are a pretty special find. 

Also, you're just a wee little guy. A little snake boi even.

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[spookietrex]

Story Time with Spookie!

So let me just tell you a kind of infuriating, kind of funny story about mental health hospitalizations. (If you're only here for the funny bits, stick to the last 5 paragraphs!) This is a true story that I experienced. Names have been changed.

Tw: sexual abuse, involuntary mental health hospitalization, stalking

So for context, I am an ambulatory wheelchair user due to hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, POTS, and fibromyalgia. I have severe PTSD from multiple incidents, borderline personality disorder, autism (but mask almost automatically due to my trauma. I did extremely well in society before my autistic burnout. I am now experiencing severe symptoms), shaking/tremors/possible seizures (current diagnosis is functional neurological disorder but I have severe cognitive decline. Now find simple children's math books complicated (spent 45 minutes on one problem today in a number puzzle workbook for ages 7+), severe depression/anxiety, but most importantly I have severe trust issues with medical professionals because they keep involuntarily hospitalizing me when I, my wife, my therapist have both told them it doesn't help. When I am triggered/scared, I have PNES where I can't walk. Like at all. I will fall and hurt myself. (I also have POTS).

So I go to the hospital got some unrelated reason and they decide that I'm suicidal because I have a history as a kid and I have passive suicidal ideation controlled by a therapist (my exact words). They keep me for 2 days at one facility no AMA (barely feed me anything I'll actually eat. I'm a vegan), only at certain times was I allowed to to have any comfort items (my fuzzy blanket, was brand new, my phone, etc), they make up lies and decide my health even when I am honest (lmao they literally wrote in my medical record that i threw up on purpose, but they focus on the fact that I use marijuana for pain. Even though I have my medical card.) then tell me I'll be moved upstairs to the psych unit to "finish my psych hold, " where my wife will be allowed to visit me for one hour two times per week. So I'm annoyed but whatever. I know the plan. They tell me they're going to move me at midnight; plenty of time for my wife to get back from work. Nope, they suddenly tell me at 9:30pm the ambulance is on its way to take me to the new hospital. I start freaking out but am doing my best to not do things that will make me stay longer. I make them wait for my wife to say goodbye and deny all my sleep meds and request an Ativan so that I do not have a major meltdown at the new hospital. The entire time, I am shaking nonstop. I am barely aware of my surroundings. I am sweating like crazy and the EMT is very concerned. I ask to leave but am denied.

We finally get to the hospital (10:30pm) and they hand me paperwork to sign in and tell me they will not engage with me unless I sign. I ask if that means I can leave. She says no. I am forced to sign the paperwork voluntarily admitting myself despite actively voicing concerns. (1:30am)

The nurse is nice enough but she is distracted because another man is actively detoxing. She asks about trauma history and because I am exhausted and hope it helps, I tell her about my messed up childhood and my story. She validates me and leaves due to another patient (3:00am) tells me she has to take the fuzzy blanket for now but I should be able to get it back. Another lady comes in to take the fuzzy blanket. I am having a meltdown and shaking so badly I can't stand. She tells me to hand it to her. I gently toss it to her because I can't move. She yells at me. I tell her I'm having a seizure andcan'twalk. She says "no you're not" I repeated that I needed a wheelchair. She checked with the nurse and came back with a wheelchair. (4:30am)

Ended up on the psychosis unit because I told my doctor I was seeing color swirls that weren't there. (Kaleidoscope vision before migraine) The nurses on the unit laugh in my face when I ask about the fuzzy blanket. (6am) The bed was uncomfortable and I had no privacy. At this point, I'd been awake 24 hours so I slept. I got in trouble for sleeping 🥴

The worst part and the reason for this story there was this male patient that arrived on like my second or third day. He just walked into my room when I was laying down reading and stared at me for a while. I screamed at him to get tfo of my room. My roommate heard me yelling and came to help. He finally left but muttered something along the lines of, "I can do whatever the f--- I want. It's my f---ing room." This alarmed me so I alerted staff. They rolled their eyes and said, "That's just Billy. He doesn't mean any harm."

The next day, I am in the common room talking to someone, Billy comes up to me multiple times after I tell him to please leave me alone. He writes down his phone number on a piece of paper and tries to give it to me multiple times after he sees me accept my roommate's information. It happens in groups. Staff does nothing. It's not just me he's bothering but he's clearly targeting and following me. Other people notice and report it to staff. He did this for a few more days before I finally snapped. I yelled. I yelled really loudly to get the f--- away from me. I said it multiple times (I wanna say like 10) and staff did nothing before my roommate (again) told them I was yelling and to get him away from me. They gave Billy a shot for that.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was rolling through the hall with my wheelchair around 3am and heard the sound of a male masturbating. I rolled myself up to the counter wanting pain meds because my entire body was in pain and Billy's roommate Lamar was up at the counter asking to use the bathroom because his roommate was masturbating in theirs. (Ew).

The next day was the night before I found out I was leaving. I spent the day talking to group members that I liked and exchanging contact information and coloring. He again tried to offer me his information but I stayed with an easy way out or a barrier between him and I. Billy went out for a cigarette break with the rest of the group around 6pm. I sat inside with Aqua. We noticed that there was some commotion outside. Later, we learned from another group member, Levi, that Billy had gotten close to a dissociative girl, unzipped her jacket, and grabbed her breasts. She tried to push him off of her but didn't have much success. Lamar saw this and punched him off of her. Staff shoved Billy back inside.

Okay for this next part: there were a few people who knew I could walk but most of the group members had no idea. I had a fall risk bracelet (I am). So I'm sitting in the corner with Aqua also blocked in. Billy comes charging in and beeline directly for me. I have had it at this point. I have told him and told him. I scream louder than I have screamed at this facility to get the f--- away from me. This does not work. I get louder and louder until I am filled with adrenaline and no longer give a shit about whether I fall on my face (but am pretty confident I won't). I stand and take a step forward and shout so loud that the smokers could hear me through the glass outside. Staff comes running. Billy is looking shocked and the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, "Hallelujah. It's a miracle. You can stand." I am seething and am ready to tear this man apart just as staff arrives to take him away. I sit down in my wheelchair and stare at Aqua, slow blinking, aghast at what just happened.

[noodles-even-less-stable]

I loved your recent post about being autistic. I feel like it certainly is becoming more mainstream to treat it like a quirky personality trait. I appreciate you for your vulnerability and honesty online. While every autistic experience is different, I feel like my special interests aren’t even the worst of it. It’s the constant feelings of alienation and permanent, unyielding exhaustion. It’s the meltdowns and the shutdowns. It’s the burnout and intolerance for change. It’s the difficulty with truly connecting to a lot of humans in the world. I think this is why I find your platform refreshing because you are relatable and the planet feels a little less lonely with you in it. 💕

Oh 🥹 that last sentence made me tear up.

I'm always more than willing to talk about my issues, Autism, struggles or mental health I just rarely do it unprompted. I have no problem speaking on them I just don't tend to bring it up. I don't think stigma around these issues will lessen unless it's talked about.

Even with every different experience it's comforting to know people can understand even if it isn't the same. Like some people need to be held while over stimulated, I'll start swinging if someone touches me. I get tics when over stimulated, not everyone does. Because I was late diagnosed (23) I can mask some semblance of normality while others can't (but I burn out insanely fast when I do).

It won't help everyone but I found it helped me to make my Autism other people's problems (that sounds bad ☠️). What I mean is that I won't make eye contact, I won't touch people, I'll put my headphones on in the middle of a conversation and I'll go home when I'm done even if it's been 5 minutes. I don't have a problem doing these things. Other people have an issue with me doing these things. That's their problem to deal with. They can deal with their weird uncomfort with me not looking at them. They can deal with their feelings of me not wanting to be touched. That's their issues. I refuse to keep the peace for people that disturb mine. Essentially I became a menace.

Anyways, I'm happy you feel comfortable and less lonely here. You're always welcome on my page and welcome to sit in silence in the warmth of the dumpster fire. I'm just happy we can exist in the same space 💖

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023 - catching up!

Figured it'd be a fun thing to do this year, since, y'know: this is the year that marked my official diagnosis as autistic. I'll answer several questions at once since I missed the previous days from not knowing this existed (social mishaps ftw!)

If you wanna participate, check out @birdofmay's blog or click through this link!

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself.

I'm a 42-yo Belgian writer of Dark Fantasy who was diagnosed autistic this past January after a few years of absolute hell trying to figure out wtf was wrong with me. Turns out: likely intense autistic burnout!

On a more positive note though, I also likely have symptoms of ADHD - which is positive because it makes me able to function in the world on a more NT level I'd say, like doing things on a whim, enjoying change and exploring and, in a way, balancing the autism out. Mostly. The conflictual needs and wants have caused me a lot of mental and physical stress that I'm still trying to recover from.

On a fun note now: I have two cats I adore, a husband who's sometimes just as dysfunctional as I am (likely why he sniffed me out when we were still teens << but we only really met when I was 29; he remembered me from seeing me at school though!), currently unemployed because health, love to fangirl my characters (and anime dudes <<), somehow have a wide circle of friends of all nationalities and personalities because individuals are awesome and fascinating (I'm obsessed with psychology and emotions), and... Yeah. If you'd like to know anything else, do simply ask :D I love answering questions.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

So it's both, actually. Last year, a good friend of mine talked to me about how she thought she was autistic, and shared a lot of info on women-specific autism... and that's when I saw that everything I thought I knew about autism was but a tiny fraction of a very wide spectrum. I recognized myself in what I read. I was on a quest for self-understanding to finally know what ailed me. I needed to know (which, let it be said, seems to be an autistic trait unto its own <<)

That was August. In October, I decided I had to be tested. November through December, five tests. Result in January. Diagnosis confirmed. I was ELATED. Because, finally, my whole life made sense. I am still so immensely relieved and happy to know.

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions.

My memory's gotten worse over time, likely from years of over-stress. I tend to let a lot of things leave my memory - including things people say. Verbal instructions... Because I know I have a tendency to forget, I prefer them written so I can read them over if/when needed. It's why I do everything official via email, put in appointments in my phone's calendar immediately, etc.

Funnily enough, I still remember a few words from one autism test I did back in November. So there's some logic to what's retained and what not. Repetition of words seems to be key.

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

I was in regular school. I'm 42. When I was a teen, depression wasn't even recognized as a real disease. Autism? Never heard of that. I was just an anxiety-ridden, fragile, naturally heavily bullied young girl who suffered ten years of depression afterwards and intense social anxiety. ... Damn I hated school so much. XD (and myself for just not fitting in :3; )

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

I imagine it would have, had we known I was autistic.

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger?

Good question, with 'younger' feeling so far away... I did notice my speech recignition declined these past years, like when watching movies. However, since trying ginkgo and ginseng supplements to alleviate ADHD symptoms, and how magically they also alleviated anxieties and stress overall, I notice my speech recognition improved again.

So, to answer: in general I understand people who talk really fast, best of all in french (my native language). However, I do lose track if people talk in monotones. I think my brain gets bored and nopes out of there.

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

I don't. Which I think is a mistake in itself, because I relate too intensely and completely to AuDHD perceptions. I was told it might be my higher IQ (officially 119, but I couldn't do the language tests as my brain demanded: in all three languages I know. So it's a bit higher) causing conflicts with the autism. Like, I was told a normal person thinks in a fast, straight line; autistics think in zigzags to get to the same point. They said I take the zigzags like they are a fast, straight line. And I'm like: okay sure I feel your point, but what about my mind always feeling torn in different directions and my inability to focus and how sometimes I adore change and other times not etc etc?

I'm not diagnosed AuDHD, but live that way anyway. Because that's what feels right. And trying to treat a possible ADHD has helped me. So instinct >>> NT experts, tyvm.

---

Aaaand tomorrow I'll continue these day by day :D woot to catching up and focussing and getting something done!

[mirandamckenni1]

Autistic Burnout vs. Depression Many autistic individuals have been treated for depression when really what they were experiencing was an autistic burnout. This video explores the similarities and differences between the two, and how this knowledge can improve your quality of life as someone on the autism spectrum. TW: Brief mention of suicide around the 10:00 mark DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed medical provider and nothing in this video constitutes medical advice. Please seek qualified medical care before making any changes to your healthcare routine. 👉💤 🥱 Manta Weighted Sleep Mask (affiliate link): http://bit.ly/3n3l64I (use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout) 🌟 💻 FEATURED INFOGRAPHIC: https://ift.tt/HnqYwXQ 🥳🌟 RESOURCES 🌟💌 💻 🎭 ONLINE COURSE How to Unmask https://ift.tt/pUlBwSX 📒 Meltdown Survival Guide: https://ift.tt/ahGEtYP 🗂 FREE Big Autistic Resource Guide (BARG): https://ift.tt/PU875mW 🖥 Mom on the Spectrum website: https://ift.tt/pv8cjmC More Mom on the Spectrum Videos: https://www.youtube.com/momonthespectrum The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (book - affiliate link): https://amzn.to/3Pu9WCs What is Depression? (article): https://ift.tt/pQ0xgX8 The Difference Between Autistic Burnout and Depression (article): https://ift.tt/pZ2TEGb. Autistic Burnout vs. Depression (article): https://ift.tt/RqUaE61 Asperger Experts community: https://ift.tt/dBNb8Mv ❤️ 🧡 💛 MY FAVORITE THINGS 💚 💙 💜 ONO Fidget Roller (affiliate link): http://bit.ly/3xLZnQY (use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout) Flare Earbuds for Sensory Overwhelm (affiliate link): https://ift.tt/KUg1PuR Manta Weighted Sleep Mask (affiliate link): http://bit.ly/3n3l64I (use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout) 💃⭐️ FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA 🤠🎶 Instagram: https://ift.tt/PbqOAds Tiktok: https://ift.tt/JfHZMLR 📬 BUSINESS ADDRESS: Taylor Heaton 8901 Tehama Ridge Parkway, Suite 127 PMB 680 Fort Worth, TX 76177 📧 Business inquiries: info@momonthespectrum.life 👏🏻 FREE 👏🏻 WAYS TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT 🦾 🟥 SUBSCRIBE to the channel 🟧 LIKE the videos that are helpful to you 🟨 COMMENT in the comment section 🟩 Click the “bell” to be notified when I release new videos 🙏 Thank you immensely to those of you who have already donated, been active on the channel, and/or purchased the Meltdown Survival Guide. ⏰ TIMESTAMPS ⏳ 2:32 Similarities 5:19 Depression column 12:12 Meltdown column 16:09 Why knowing the difference matters 17:00 Outside support 17:43 My Manta sleep mask! (affiliate product http://bit.ly/3n3l64I use code: MOMONTHESPECTRUM for 10% off at checkout) DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, YouTube Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, YouTube channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links. 🌿🌿🌿🌿🌿 You are a beautiful person worthy of love! #actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult via YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWmgDczqmTY

[omgwhatimneurospicy]

Chipotle, Age 20

CC: Heather B & Mandy F

This is a random one. Many pieces of my life are making more sense under the lease of autism, but especially the challenges in my social life.

When I was 20 at Vanguard University, I had probably the most obnoxiously terrifying roommate who I'm pretty sure had BPD. I don't remember what she was freaking out about, but I shut down and just didnt even have any emotions or words to give her as she followed me around to scream at me about... maybe the fact that I was hanging out with her friends without her? Or I know! ha - that's a whole other story for next time.

I reached out to my university for a no contact order and help finding a room on campus. While they were looking for a room for me, I stayed in different friends' dorms.

You can imagine I was under a lot of stress. I had some episodes of psychosis a week or so prior (which I thought were just some ghostly visits at the time), so I was IN an autistic burnout.

I took turns between staying at Heather's dorm and Mandy's dorm. I was really doing my best to keep up in class and to show my friends how grateful I was for a place to stay. It was not easy to go 4-5 days sleeping on dorm room floors.

I have some memories of going out to Chipotle with Heather and Mandy, paying for Heather's dinner without really thinking about it.

I then remember getting a phone call from my parents, who told me that a they were splitting up.

The rest tis a bit fuzzy, but I remember being in my new dorm room, just completely burnt out in every single way. I just wanted to feel safe and at ease so badly, but safety was nowhere to be found.

I remember heather and Mandy saying they needed to talk to me, and I told them that I don't have the bandwidth for that right now, but I can talk to them tomorrow.

I remember Mandy either telling me something snarky like, we've been here for you, now you don't want to listen to us? Or maybe it was just a "k"? I don't remember.

Whatever she said, I went against my better judgement to go hear what they had to say.

It was so ridiculous.

Mandy was mad I paid for Heather's Chipotle but not hers.

Heather was mad I was tidier when I stayed in Mandy's room than I was in her room.

I literally felt like I was living in a twilight zone, because who the fuck cares? I guess neurotypical people do.

I remember Mandy being upset that I was drinking and reporting me at some point.

I remember leaving Vanguard shortly after that. I remember moving back to Costa Mesa a few months later, without going to school.

I remember Heather saying she was sorry and that it wasn't fair for her to treat me like that at another point.

But I also remember hearing her on the phone with her fiancé who thought I was a bad influence. And then I remember when she dropped out of school too.

I didn't care much about my friendship with Mandy, but I was sad when I lost my friendship with Heather.

I would think about her from time to time, especially when visiting my dad in AZ. Sometimes I just wanted to know what I did.

I've always wondered what went wrong, but now it's just so obviously a tragic story of a neurotypical & neurodivergent friendship.

My friendship with Heather was short-lived, so it's not really a traumatizing loss on its own, but at the time, when I felt like all I'd do was fuck up friendships and not know why, it really was so painful.

I'm not sure why this is the one I'm bringing up today. I have so many other, bigger, more dramatic things. But I suppose this is a way to ease myself in as I unpack it all.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hi, I think I'm currently going through autistic burnout and I'm getting set off by the smallest of things. I really don't want to be mean or nasty to the people around me, especially my loved ones and others who have different access needs (e.g. a hard of hearing family member who needs to play videos at a louder volume).

I guess I'm looking for advice about how to handle meltdowns and avoid lashing out to my loved ones. I feel like I can't control my reactions sometimes but I also feel really bad about it later. And sometimes I feel like I can't complain about certain things but it's still causing me a lot of distress. I don't know, I'm very exhausted and I don't know how to explain what I'm going through to others.

(Thank you for listening. 💜)

Hi there,

I found some articles that may help. Most were for parents taking care of meltdown.

Hopefully these help a bit. Maybe my followers can give some advice and help too.

Thanks for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

That moment when your workplace does something super illegal—

((note that words will not be great with grammar & may “sound childish” when reading. minimally verbal/semi non speaking autist here, & very stressed, & grammar will suffer for it. please don't comment on that. already feel awkward sharing despite knowing less coherent. please just block or scroll away if not okay for you. 🥺))

Context:

3/18 to 3/25 - W, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun scheduled. typical schedule 5 days a week.

~~~

last Friday (3/22):

workplace is too loud, too many overlapping sounds, very bad/overwhelming auditory sensory pains. meltdowns keep happening after work. exhausted & in burnout (prolonged sensory overload & exhaustion (doesn't go awake when I sleep), increased depression despite meds that otherwise work). realize this job won't be sustainable without adjustments/accommodations.

asked for reasonable accommodation to allow me to have 1 (one) earbud with quiet music while working, to combat sensory pain (Sensory Processing Disorder). that would allow me to actually process the safety announcements (knife, hot, behind you, etc.) so I work safer, and also makes me faster and more effective (less dissociation, better mood, etc.). would dampen auditory pains & make less overwhelming.

sent home because can't work without music (too overstimmed, in burnout & prolonged overstim), but manager on shift says “I wanna make sure I'm not discriminating against you” & escalated to their GM's manager, who called disability people to escalate to correct department. Correct™ legal process begins in compliance with ADA. no issues yet.

told not to work rest of weekend (Sat/Sun) because waiting to finish Correct™ process first. needs to be done first.

~~

Last Saturday (3/23):

“accommodations analyst”, their disability specialist, called to ask questions about what music helps with and how it impacts work, agreed this might be plausible as an accommodation & helps in positive ways, and sent an email with next steps. no issues with analyst.

GM texts (normal communication method) to say ‘there are some things we just can't accommodate, let's discuss alternatives’. doesn't know other manager already escalated to accommodations analyst. alert GM that I'm in this process and that they told me “do not work until this process is done, and I'll tell your manager not to schedule you”. insist that I want to finish process first & that if it's still a no we'll discuss alternatives.

mild issue that GM won't even consider it, but figure the accommodations analyst will nudge that this is important for legal ADA reasons & don't comment.

get schedule for next week (3/25 to 3/31). GM scheduled for 3 days (W, F, Sat) despite being told not to schedule at all. sigh and accept will have to call out. schedule is in typical schedule range (Wed through Sun, weekend Mon/Tues).

GM does not reply or acknowledge.

~~

this Monday (3/25):

talked to therapist about getting a letter for the accommodation analyst. therapist says they have to have me sign a disclosure form (expected), and that they have to get a supervisor to sign permission for them to write the letter. currently inbetween direct supervisors, so they have to find one of 4 or 5 other supervisors to sign, takes time.

update GM & accommodations analyst. GM does not reply or acknowledge.

~~

this Tuesday (3/26):

met with psychiatrist. asked for letter from them as well. letter received same day. no letter from therapist yet; still waiting for supervisor to sign off. update GM & accommodations analyst. GM does not reply or acknowledge.

~~

this Wednesday (3/27):

call from therapist. still waiting on supervisor to sign. they're hoping that supervisor they meet with Thursday (today, 3/28) will sign, but they're not sure. stuck in limbo. update GM & accommodations analyst.

call/text out from work because was told not to work until this is done, & wasn't even supposed to be scheduled. GM does not reply or acknowledge.

~~

today/Thursday (3/38):

physical letter from work, with new legal name, shows up. landlord leaves on my chair so I know he figured was me. anxiety attack because biofather can't know that name, because want to be no contact. hope beyond hope that landlord forgets.

text GM, ‘hey this address is not safe to send mail to, where can I update?’ GM finally responds, says to update online. attempt to log in to work account, doesn't log in (common problem). GM doesn't acknowledge previous texts about ADA & disability process.

receive schedule for next week (April 1 to 7). scheduled 2 days (Tues, Sun), & routine scheduled days broken (Wed through Sun, Mon/Tues off; scheduled only Tues & Sun). realize that since requesting accommodations, scheduled shifts dropped from 5 days a week to 3 days, and now down to 2 days, which means hours are being chopped back due to asking for accommodation and standing ground that I will investigate exception for music (which works) before seeking alternatives (which we investigated for 5+ years now and haven't found). realize this is retaliation, which is very illegal.

~~

~~

so.....I dunno what to do now other than panic. and ¿maybe tell L&I board?

~Nico

[handicappedbuenchico]

21. What is your most marked characteristic? (hint: A marked characteristic is a term used to describe something that is very obvious and easily noticed)

1754. In what way are you too hard on yourself?

433. Have you ever cried at a movie?

DITTO. SAME QUESTIONS.

21. What is your most marked characteristic? (hint: A marked characteristic is a term used to describe something that is very obvious and easily noticed)

My most marked characteristic? I mean, that would depend on who I'm around I'm being honest. My therapist points out my intelligence, resilience, and kindness a lot. My younger brother loves to point out my yellow teeth and the fact that I'm fat A LOT (even though he has no room to talk considering he still looks like Jack Skellington with a skin suit on at 19 years old and teeth that are WORSE than mine). My dad always points out my hyper-empathy, an aspect of myself that I have never had any control over, in the most condescending ways possible ("You whiner!" "You need to learn to let what I did to you shit go!" "You let things get to you too easily!" You know, shit like that.) My mother always feels the urge and need to point out my body hair whenever she sees that I haven't shaved in a while, you know, because goodness forbid a woman doesn't shave for a long period of time 🙄. Honestly, it's interesting to me that a lot of the characteristics that have been pointed out to me over the years are direct results of me being a formerly undiagnosed autistic girl who was never taught basic self-care and hygiene and with deep rooted trauma that I will probably never fully heal from.

1754. In what way are you too hard on yourself?

Would you like the summarized version or my entire scroll that circles the earth 5 times over? Right now, the main things I am really hard on myself for is the fact that I couldn't even finish college, yet my younger sister with ADHD could get her bachelor's degree in psychology, nor can I find a job to at least contribute monetarily to my living situation. It also doesn't help that my hypocrite deadbeat father who refuses to apply his own "advice" to his own life keeps fostering this feeling within me by reminding me and my younger brother (who college also didn't work for and is also ADHD) that we "better figure out what we want to do," and "should look at trade school if we don't want to go back to college," you know, because trades aren't an oversaturated field BECAUSE of people like him giving advice like that. My dad doesn't even have, nor does he even want to get, his G.E.D and he's preaching "facts" at me and my brother like he FUCKING KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT! AHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm also hard on myself for struggling with something as simple as starting a task, or struggling to do tasks that I KNOW I can do normally, but for some reason my brain and body disconnect from each other, like Bluetooth headphones that are too far away from the phone their connected to, and then I feel fucking stupid because I either forget how I was taught to do it OR I'll stop mid-task and stare into the ether wondering what the fuck I'm doing. I'm also exhausted constantly even though most days I barely do anything, unless you count having anxious and existential dread thoughts, as well as most definitely having autistic burnout, as extraneous activities. I've been really hard on myself for that lately too.

433. Have you ever cried at a movie?

Not going to lie, I don't remember ever crying while watching a movie in the theater, but I KNOW that I've cried while watching movies at home. My most recent movie cry was while watching the last Guardians of the Galaxy movie when Rocket's having his own moment of "dying character meeting his dead friend/relative/love interest again after a long time in a white void and the dead person tells the dying character that it's not their time to go yet." Like, I KNEW it was going to happen, but it still had me crying like a baby FOR REAL. 😭😭😭

[somewhat-adorkable]

Autistic burnout is more than burnout.

Let me explain:

When abled non-autistic people reach their limits, they can’t go on.

When autistic people reach their limits, they continue because they know they have to continue to be considered valuable.

I was told that if I get burnt out, I won’t be able to do anything, so I should rest.

What I didn’t say because I was still thinking it through, is that when I get burnt out, I go on for weeks or months more because that is expected of me and I Cannot Let People Down.

And so often autistic people are constantly pushed to their limits even at 4, 5, 8 years old.

Constantly.

I don’t know if people realize how long I can run on fues. Because I’m so used to that being expected of me.

I don’t just “burn out” when I run out of energy, I go until the gas tank has negative space.

I don’t realize in the moment that I’m running on empty. I think I still have plenty of fuel left to get me going somewhere. Only to later realize, weeks or months later, that I have smoke coming out of the engine. That’s when I realize I should stop the car.

I don’t even have a “gas is empty” indicator on my dashboard, I just know if I don’t go 60 miles per hour people are going to be upset.

All I’m thinking is “Well I just need to get to this part and then I’ll rest..” or “I just need to finish these next 3 weeks out and then I’ll rest..” At this point I don’t even know if 1-2 days of rest would help because I’m already so far gone in terms of stress and energy levels.

I think I would need a week off, and I can’t afford a week off right now. So I work. Maybe this is why non-autistic people don’t often understand when we can do something but when we shouldn’t?

When we say we can’t and then they tell us to do it anyway?

So we continue to go along because we know there’s no other option and fighting is too much energy.

When I keep going this next week, and the next, and the next, I’m going to pay for this.

I’m going to pay for this in being able to physically speak, in being able to think coherently, in being able to plan, in being able to eat.

I just know I’m going to pay for this but there is no other option.

I am currently paying for it.

So often, there is not another option for us.

Using the word “tired” doesn’t do what I’m feeling justice. I have a sleep disorder, I know what tired, sleepy, exhausted means. It’s more like completely worn down, especially mentally. But my brain still thinks “I have 5% energy left so it’s fine”.

It’s like everything is being held together by a piece of tape, and so everything “looks” like it’s working for quite a while, and then the piece of tape falls off and all the pieces just go everywhere. And the actual worst thing I can do to myself right now is try to convince myself that I’m fine, which is what my brain is currently trying to do.

We use the words “autistic burnout” it’s not just burnout like neurotypical people define it.

It’s burnout past burnout. It’s working while in burnout already.

That’s why it’s so different and so detrimental.

We’re not stopping at burnout at all. 

I think autistic people often play the role of “useful” to create relationships, to obtain any ounce of support or understanding. It’s natural for us to want to go back to being as useful as possible because that’s the only way the world ever wants to interact with us.

Our world doesn’t support “needy” autistic people, burnt out autistic people, non-special-skills autistic people. People only care if you show your usefulness. We’re so used to operating this way, we don’t even think twice about it.

It’s the default for most disabled people, but I think for autistic people, usefulness means connections with others (usually non-autistic people). Usefulness means we won’t be isolated. It means having friends, having external approval from parents, bosses, mentors.

I think there is a fear that if we cease being useful, no one will love us or support us or even just care about us. We have constantly changed ourselves so that other people don’t react negatively, don’t find us rude or mean or argumentative or know-it-alls or uptight.

To cease being useful is to face that fear and know that some of our relationships may crumble because of it. That people might see us as selfish, that they won’t care when we don’t have something to offer anymore, when we don’t play therapist or go the extra mile at work.

I'm still running but the battery is long dead.

[loremonster]

Things that happened with me in the last decade I didn't fuckin expect

Writing for the Batman fandom -> realize I'm a pansexual disaster who had a repressed crush on their best friend since gradeschool and that's why I was always trying to play matchmaker for him cause I wanted someone to love him the way I would have

Writing for the South Park fandom -> realize I'm nonbinary but didn't have the language to describe it even 5 years ago because my parents were conservative assfucks who tried to Just Not Talk About It even tho MY MOM IS THE MANLIEST MOTHERFUCKER I KNOW like 24 pack of beer let's go cut down a tree and set up a bonfire to cook over with a cast iron skillet, but LITERALLY cannot focus indoors long enough to cook an egg because OH SOMETHING OUTSIDE NEEDS TO BE DONE ( she has caused 2 fires ) and GLEEFULLY recounts whenever she's called Sir instead of maam or miss

Still Writing For The South Park Fandom -> Meet enough other autistic folks that I share life experiences with that I begin to seriously consider I may have been misdiagnosed as a kiddo as ADHD

STILL Writing For The South Park Fandom -> Fully accept I Need Help with my mental and physical health and recommit to the overwhelming process of dealing with the health system, including persuing gender affirming care once I got back to WA

Get overwhelmed when lockdown happens

Stop in the middle of an unfinished holiday special because dear god lockdown was hell and financial difficulty had forced hubby and I to move onto base where the national anthem played EVERY DAY at dawn and dusk ( a ritual known as Colors ) that IT IS EXPECTED FOR CIVILIANS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING, FACE THE NEAREST SPEAKER OR FLAG, AND REMAIN STILL UNTIL ITS OVER, but no one tells you that. Ever. If you're driving, you're expected to pull over with emergency flashers and wait until the anthem is over. Again, you are not TOLD this, and base police will come after you for it and threaten to revoke your base privileges; meaning RENDER YOU HOMELESS if you live on base.

I suddenly got REALLY interested in cults

Learned way too damn much about the Alt Right, as well as the older hate movements they grew from

Started Writing And Drawing In The Fallout Space -> Realize I'm a socialist and Holy Shit All The Things My Parents Told Me About History And Politics Was A Gigantic Crock of Shit They Got Sold In The 50's And Never Fact Checked

Burnt Out In The Fallout Space -> wow I really need to do more yoga if I'm gonna draw that much, stretching is important folks pls take breaks for the love of all that is good and holy

Lost My Routine From Burnout -> hoooooooly shit I'm Autistic how the fuck did I not realize this????????

Still Burnt Out -> but goddamn I DO WANNA DRAW THAT MUCH! I WANNA MAKE COMICS AND ILLUSTRATIONS WITH MY STORIES! I WANNA MOVE MY SHIT TO AO3 AND LEARN HOW THAT SHIT WORKS BECAUSE IM PROUD OF MY WORK AND I WANT TO SHARE IT, DAMNIT

So

That's where I'm at, lol

[thechangeling]

Just a quick list of all the reasons Ty is in love with Kit written by an autistic person.

1. He makes eye contact with him. Eye contact is extremely painful and nauseating for us so Ty wouldn't do this unless he felt completely comfortable with Kit.

2. Touching. Ty let's Kit touch him and he has no problem touching Kit like in the rune scene. Ty doesn't usually like to touch people.

3. Gift giving. Autistic love language is giving random seemingly useless trinkets like cats and birds do. Only the gift Ty gives Ty is not useless at all! It's the witchlight.

4. Wanting to be around him all the time. Ty us basically glued to Kit's side throughout the entirety of TDA. Autistics are usually not very social. We enjoy our personal space and we need to be alone to recharge after burnout. If Ty wants to be around Kit as much as possible it means that he doesn't care about burnout. Or he isn't getting as burnt out from being with Kit.

5. Staring at him constantly. Ty stars at Kit a fair bit. This is also an autistic love language.

6. Wanting to include him in his plans. Autistic people are stubborn control freaks. We are very meticulous about our projects and our plans. For Ty to want Kit to be with him every step of the way shows he trusts and cares for Kit and values his opinion. Also wanting to share the things you care about with someone is another autistic love language.

7. "I don't mind if it's you." Ty sees Kit as the exception to a lot of his rules.

8. Ty literally says in Los, "you're good at giving me ideas." Which might as well be marry me in Ty speak.

9. This one is painful but true. Kit made Ty cry. This shit matters because we rarely cry unless it's during a meltdown. Kit even pints this out in that scene. "Ty hardly ever cried." Like, well then genius! Maybe that means that you hurt him badly just a random thought!!!

10. I guess this relates to point 6 but Ty includes Kit in his special interest, not only by telling him about it but literally assigning him a specific character role "Watson." I would literally never do that with anyone I know. I would have to like someone A LOT to actually relate them to a fictional character in tsc for example.

There are probably others that I'm forgetting but anyways. I wanted to write this list from an autistic pov because once you understand autistic love you will understand that Ty loves Kit.

@ti-bae-rius

[mirandamckenni1]

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