#2) it can take a long time to build the trust necessary to make that relationship (which can also be stymied by expense and insurance)

[explode-this]

I am so fucking ✨annoyed✨ that 24 years after I got out my parent’s house my brain’s first reaction to anxiety and feeling like a shitty person for being slow and forgetful and in my own little world is is STILL “yeah you should just like… die” and I have to manually jiggle the handle on it and say “yeah no” or “stop that” or “bit dramatic” or “ughhhh come on,” like, can we just skip it, please?

(I am also annoyed that the last time I went to the doctor i answered the survey about depression symptoms by underestimating myself by 75% because that’s the sort of thing you do when you were raised to think you’re an attention seeker whenever you’re honest about your shitty interior monologue and doctors are technically authority figures to you and defying them in any meaningful way has never worked out so why bother being honest and she was pleased and said “that’s good” and in my head I was just like “yeah because whenever I ask about anti anxiety meds you just say ‘vitamins!’ or ‘your adhd meds should help with that” so there’s no point in reiterating that at this point I need a non-talk-therapy solution to my faulty brain wiring because I’m a fucking idiot who basically answered the mental health survey with two thumbs up and a star sticker”)

[messyoungie]

HABITS TO DROP WHEN GETTING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER

➝ CREATING UNAUTHENTIC & UNINTENTIONAL GOALS

the biggest mistakes you can make when creating goals is making goals that aren’t true to you and making goals for the sake of making goals.

it can be so exciting when you decide to get your life together. I mean, of course it is! there are so many possibilities! but when you start planning, don’t just write down the goals you see circulating on social media. what works for someone else may not be what works for you. don’t make your goals and habits based on what’s trending or popular in the self improvement community.

think about what you actually need for a minute. what is actually necessary? your goals and habits aren’t here to be glamorous, they’re here to help regardless of how simple or small they are. the point of thinking up new habits is to improve your life, so be intentional with your goals. what will practicing this habit or achieving this goal give you?

when you’re first starting out, your goals don’t have to be anything too crazy or intense. for example, let’s say you want to become a pink pilates girl and get into fitness. you shouldn’t jump right into it and say your goal is to work out for 2 hours 5 times a week. let’s consider some factors first. have you been living a completely sedentary kind of lifestyle? then try looking for exercises that’ll wake up dormant muscles. your goal should then be to repeat those exercises for how ever many times a week. then you’ll work your way up from there. (it’s important we don’t harm the body, so be mindful with your fitness goals.) what about your schedule? how much time can you actually give to working out? can your body even endure working out for that long?

anyways, hopefully you see what I mean. when creating goals, it’s not about having the “aesthetic” habits and goals that you may see on tiktok or tumblr. it’s about doing what is actually good for you and what’ll help you the most with where you are now in your journey. so please put some thought into your goals and where they’ll take you. creating unauthentic and unintentional habits will also mean you’ll be less likely to keep practicing them after a few times. at the end of the day, that doesn’t help you achieve anything and you’re left with a broken promise you’ve made to yourself. which leads me to my next point…

➝ NOT KEEPING YOUR WORD WHEN IT COMES TO YOU

let me start off by saying this— if you don’t even listen to yourself, why should anyone else? (harsh, ik)

a HUGE reason as to why people have no self confidence is because they don’t listen to themselves or keep the promises they’ve made to themselves. if you have no self trust, how could you have any self confidence?

now, building discipline can definitely be a challenge so if you want to start somewhere easy, nip your false promises in the bud and stop yourself from making them. that’s what I did when I was first trying to stop this habit. when my addiction to tiktok was at its peak I would always tell myself the usual “ten more minutes and then I’ll stop scrolling.” when I wanted to stop making false promises, I knew I had no control or discipline so the only thing I could do is be real with myself. I’d cut myself off when I heard myself say “five more minutes” because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. if I wasn’t going to quit my bad habit, then the least I could do is be honest with myself.

the things that you are constantly telling yourself, whether they’re mindless or intentional, matter.

so, stop telling yourself seemingly harmless lies. unnecessary false promises that you know are false will only fill you with tension.

➝ SEEING FAILURE AS AN INVITATION TO GIVE UP

this applies to so many things.

you wanted to be consistent with your reading goals but haven’t read a chapter in a week? dont give up. don’t tell yourself that being consistent is too hard for you, that since you missed a week this habit isn’t for you. make your goal a bit easier or give yourself another chance.

you wanted to spend more time doing art but it’s not turning out how you expected? dont give up. dont give yourself the title of a “bad artist” and never pick up a pencil again. move forward, give yourself another chance.

you wanted to quit your Instagram addiction but after a couple days you went back to scrolling for hours on ig reels? Don’t give up. dont tell yourself that this addiction isn’t gonna go away, don’t go back to the bad habit because you slipped up. give yourself another chance.

I think a lot of us (myself included) tend to give up at the first sign of failure, instead of reminding ourselves to keep going. it’d be wonderful if you could get it right on the first try. if you could read ten books a month right away after not reading a book in three years. if you could watch hours worth of tutorials and sketch the perfect portrait on the first attempt. if you could uninstall instagram for good and never feel the urge to go back. that would all be so amazing, but it’s not always the reality. expect the best from yourself and do the best you can, but also give yourself some compassion. keep in mind that you won’t always do things perfectly right away and that’s one thousand percent okay. when you feel yourself slipping up on your brand new goal, don’t end it there at the first failure. allow yourself to move forward, because the only other direction to move is backwards.

[cepheustarot]

What awaits you in August?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

✧ Masterlist ✧ Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: At the beginning of the month, you may encounter a lot of misunderstanding from a loved one, it may be both your bestie and your partner. You will be very upset by this behavior on the part of a person, since you expected them to understand and support you, besides, you usually support and help each other, do not condemn, but try to understand each other. You may also feel resentment or anger at this person, you will want to respond in kind, add fuel to the fire. In this case, you will only quarrel more and move away, so it is important to remember that you should not be against each other. If the misunderstanding is related to some kind of problematic situation or with everyday life, then it is necessary to solve this issue together, and not be against each other. Also, as the cards show, you will be able to make peace and forget your grievances, so in any case there will be peace between you again.

The middle of the month will be as peaceful for you as possible. You will rest a lot, gain strength, you will not be burdened by any problems or unresolved issues. You can also see your family, relatives or friends often, these meetings will be filled with positive emotions and will charge you emotionally, leave good memories. If you were planning to go somewhere, that your trip will also take place and you will get a good impression of it.

At the end of the month, there is a high probability that you will receive an offer for a new project or for a new position/job. Of course, you will be pleased with this, but because of this offer you will feel uncertain, you will weigh everything and decide whether you need to change jobs, whether to take on this project or not, since there are nuances that will not suit you or you like the job you are currently in. You will think about this for a very long time and carefully, but the more you think, the more you will be in uncertainty, so here the cards recommend doing as your heart tells you. In most cases, this event concerns the field of work and finance, but it can also happen in other areas, keep this in mind.

Pile 2: Probably your work or your activity is closely related to interacting with people, perhaps you will also communicate a lot lately, get to know or see someone and in the end it will exhaust you emotionally, you will feel very tired of communicating with people. It's like you've wasted your energy or there were some kind of energy vampires among people, hence the consequences. This month, the cards recommend to be alone with yourself, replenish your strength and take care of yourself, do not limit yourself and pamper yourself, and also do not worry about other people, I am sure they will understand you and will not condemn you.

As soon as you rest and gain strength, you will immediately have a sudden desire to occupy yourself with something, realize your plans or try yourself in something new. In general, there will be a sudden impulse to do something. And here nothing will stop or strain you, you will succeed, your actions will be accompanied by success, so go ahead. This month you will also have a glow up, you will not only change externally, but also internally. In addition, you will have a very good mood, strong self-confidence, you will literally shine and attract other people with your aura, they will admire you.

Because you have changed, you may face an internal crisis. Your views and principles have changed a lot and the previous goals are no longer relevant for you, they no longer respond to you, and therefore, at the end of the month, the topic of finding yourself, finding a further goal will be relevant for you. To begin with, you will have many options for what you would like to do, but gradually you will come to something that will really be important and relevant to you, so do not worry about this crisis, you will definitely cope with everything, because you are very strong and brave.

Pile 3: At the beginning of the month, you will deal with the piled-up cases, it can be both in terms of work / study, and outside of these areas. If it's about studying or working, then you will probably try to end everything so that you can safely go on vacation or on holiday without leaving unfinished business behind. There is also a possibility that you will go or fly somewhere to rest, so you will work hard and deal with issues so that nothing distracts you on vacation and you will not worry about the thought that you forgot to do something.

In the middle of the month, there is a high probability that you will have to spend a lot of money on gifts to your loved ones, perhaps there will be many holidays during this period, or maybe you want to please your friends and family. As I wrote earlier, there is a possibility that you will go on vacation or on a trip out of town with a company, it can be both your friends and your family. In this case, your financial expenses will be spent on preparing for this trip. And in general, this period will be filled with anticipation of the upcoming trip.

The end of August will be extremely good for you, you will spend a lot of time for your own pleasure, you will be in a good mood, you will realize all your plans and desires that you conceived, in general it will be a good end to the summer for you. For those who are in a relationship, the end of summer will also be filled with romantic vibes, as you will spend a lot of time with your partner, see each other often and go on dates. And for those who are looking for a relationship, it is highly likely that you will meet your love, with whom you will also spend a lot of time together, get to know each other better, and there is a chance that both of you will feel sympathy for each other.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 💕

[vxlkirayaxo]

Something like love

Summary: little things they do in married life [head cannons]

Tags ig?: fluff, a bit suggestive (?)

Characters: Childe, wanderer (Kuni), diluc, kaeya

Enjoy~

Let me know if you want a prt 2!

- I feel like the second you get married he'd talk about children

Childe

- he gets jealous pretty easily but doesn't do anything about it unless it's necessary

"Comrade, it seems you're making my partner uncomfortable. Please refrain from stepping over their boundaries or I will take things into my own hands."

He'd say with a smile and a slight chill to his voice while pulling you away from the person flirting with you.

- whenever you guys sat next to each other he would always sneak a hand on your thigh or just have subtle physical touch.

- when he has to be away from you for a long period of time he'd make sure to grab you some kind of treat or present.

- if you were working (it's up to you if you aren't) he'd try to be around your work building all day until lunch and then he'd visit you.

- at night he'd definitely cuddle you until you both fall asleep (not without a few neck kisses)

Wanderer / Kuni

- After you get married he'd probably carry you in his arms while flying to get to places, gotta go to the grocery store? He'll carry you. Work? He'll carry you.

- I feel like he'd think marriage is a stupid thing before he saw how happy you were talking about the future.

- I think when he'd get jealous he'd just cross his arms and huff out insults towards the person.

"what an imbecile, trying to court someone who is already courted.." he'd huff while watching you from behind, resting his chin against your shoulder to look over it.

- when you're away for longer than he'd like he starts making a tiny doll for you and little clothes for it so he can feel like he still has you around to be a 'nuisance' (to take care of)

- when you come back he'll almost squeeze you in a hug and he'll make sure to keep any evidence of the doll away until you're gone again, then when you leave again he'll continue to cuddle it at night and make sure it looks gorgeous like you.

Diluc

- After you two get married he'll probably like to keep it quiet, only his brother and the other knights know of. He'll definitely wear the ring though.

- he'd probably try to make you breakfast everyday before he goes to work,insisting he'd do it instead of the maids.

- I can imagine the only way he'd get jealous would be from his brother, even though he knows he's just naturally flirty it doesn't stop him from getting jealous and trying to subtly keep you away from him without being controlling. He'll still let you guys see each other since your friends but he'll try to keep the conversations short.

"idiot brother." He'd mumble under his breath as he gently held your waist. A frown painted on his face.

- when you come to his tavern/bar he'd always make sure to keep a watchful eye on you not trusting the drunkards that come through his tavern.

- every time you guys get in a fight I imagine he and you would both apologize at the same time, both with the same gifts almost comedically.

- at night he'd escort you safely from your work or other hobby.

- he loves to always have a hand on your waist or having his arm wrapped around yours.

- he'd always greet you with a kiss on the hand or cheek.

- he'd call you endearing nicknames when in private, "my love, darling, my ember"

(y'all Diluc might be my favorite character to write 😱😱)

Kaeya

- after you two get married I think he'd still flirt with you like you two just met.

"What's your name cutie, Or can I call you mine?" He'd say as he held your hand, you both were going grocery shopping.

- he'd always make sure to make you flustered but it's not hard to make him flustered either. Just a simple brush on the hand on his thigh and he's so flustered that he can't get up for a while.

- he'd take you drinking with him and would be extra flirty when he's drunk.

- he'd love to cuddle with you when he can.

(sorry I don't know much about him so I can't really write him.)

...

Let me know if you want to be tagged !

[the-once-ler-in-superjail]

CHAPTER 36: The Asylum - Part 2

Finally here, sorry this one took so long, we both got really busy this time but it's here!

Lineart/cleanup, flats & writing- @wiggybe

Layout/roughs, shading/lighting & writing- @self-made-madman

(TW: Mental illness/health/asylums.)

PART2

Once-ler: *He holds the Warden in his arms, relieved to have another moment alone with him, knowing that they're going to get out of here and that people are following his orders. At least he can have his glasses, they're just glasses, prisoners get to wear their glasses because they're visually impaired, this should be no different. He sniffs and wipes his tears with his hand, whispering.* I love you too. *Kisses the Warden's head and sighs out, hooking his chin over his head and bundling him up in his arms.* You're going to be okay, we- we're going to get you out. *He can't let him down.*

Warden: *His eyes shut, and as he floats in the vague numbness of what's been done to him, he absorbs all of Oncie's love, the feeling of his arms, the scent of his clothes and the way his voice vibrates through his chest. It helps to calm him, more than anything else ever could, but there's an instinctive part of him ready to have it all ripped away.*

Dr. Zazzerzump: *She strides straight into the room and states in a simple, curt voice.* Mr. Once-ler. *She has the air of a headteacher who won't be suffering nonsense, but because she isn't a blustering, loud older man, and hasn't brought the chaos of a crowd with her, she doesn't cause the same flinching reaction in the Warden as everything else. To him, this is just one more thing to trust Oncie to handle for him.*

Once-ler: *Pulls his head back from his boyfriend and looks over to the new doctor walking into the room. He knows this lady to be the woman in charge here. Good, that means he can sort this out properly rather than having to slap drones around. He doesn't get up though; he won't leave Edmund unless it's necessary, and he doesn't care how he looks holding him. If anything it only shows that he means the man no harm and that they do share a relationship.* Hm. *His eyes meet hers and he lets out an acknowledging grunt.* Doctor... *He looks her up and down as for a moment her name escapes him, but he does know all the names in charge of his cities' institutions.* Doctor Zazzerzump. *That's the one. He frowns, glancing around at the other nurses as they follow in behind her as if he's pretending to wonder where the Warden's glasses are, like he's making a point. Two male doctors join also, including Snickberry-Shoo, who all keep their distance.* Thank you. I requested the nurses bring this man’s glasses to me, where are they?

Dr. Zazzerzump: *Her eyes flit to the way the Once-ler is holding the patient only once, to take in the information and judge it. It's inappropriate, maybe, but it is proof that they know each other. Or proof that the patient has been so well-drugged that he doesn't know what's happening. Well, the Once-ler is a sane man, so it's presumably the first one. And yet, policy is policy for a reason.* The patient is in here because he proved to be a danger to himself and others. We can arrange for his glasses to be reconsidered, but he cannot have them back just because you asked... *She searches for a word that isn't rude.* 'nicely'. I will have the administrators put in a request, and he will be re-evaluated for his tendencies.

Warden: *He curls tighter, pushing his bare face against the Once-ler's chest so he doesn't have to see the world without his filter.*

Once-ler: *Feels a spike of adrenaline in his chest when he's refused, the thought of having to wait making his frustration build all over again.* That's not soon enough. Can't you make an exception?! Look at him, he needs them. Even prisoners don't have their own glasses confiscated. What could be so bad about him having his when I can supervise?

Dr. Zazzerzump: They could break - he could break them - and then we have glass shards, sharp wire, and an unpredictable man in the same room. The hospital would be liable if any harm came to either of you, even - *she anticipates the potential solution he might offer* if you were to sign a waiver. I'm afraid your friend must follow the rules like everyone else in the secure wing - no special treatment. But we can have him seen by our resident optician if necessary.

Once-ler: You’re already causing harm to him by treating him like this. *Breathes in a sharp, frustrated breath as he clutches onto Edmund harder. He knew these were the reasons. He doesn't care. Edmund is more dangerous to himself without the glasses. Besides, it’s not like he isn’t already drugged up to his eyeballs, bound in a straight-jacket, and not being watched over by a sensible and powerful man.* Don't you have security cameras here for the same reason? Just keep a closer eye on him for god sake! *He knows that what he's asking is exactly special treatment, but why shouldn't he? Parole exists so that those facing trial can pay to be in a comfortable environment while they wait. He raises an eyebrow.* I'll sign whatever the hell you like, if any harm came to either of us I'd take that responsibility on myself and see to it that no repercussions fall on the hospitals reputation. I can do that. *He tilts his head to the other side, frowning harder.* On the other hand, however, I can't promise the same should my requests be refused. *Hisses as one hand releases Edmund to slip into an inner pocket inside his jacket to fine his cheque book.* Fuck sake, how much do you want for them? *Looks at her like she just personally hurt him* He’s not dangerous, not with me and not right now, look at him. I’ll pay you extra if we could just arrange to have him monitored so that he can have what he really nee-

Dr. Zazzerzump: I cannot be bought, Mr. Once-ler. *As corruptible as the bribe of money can make people, sometimes those with the a more selfish agenda than just greed can be more malicious.* *She doesn’t care for money, she cares for maintaining an old archaic institute that she holds power over. Taking small wins, keeping control over anyone in her immediate vicinity, and insisting on her old fashioned ideals. And it just so happens the vulnerable patients in this place make those objectives a lot easier. She remains totally unmoved, as cold as steel, although she does for a moment feel a skip in her chest at the thought of more money towards their operations here. Still, she will have no preferential treatment for the wealthy or connected, even if the town's founder himself starts writing a check. She doesn’t quite realise that anyone, poor or wealthy, known or noone, would be willing to give up everything in their possession for the people they love. She holds a fundamental belief, a false ‘moral’ virtue about herself, that those of the mentally impaired are a danger to be hidden rather than human beings to be treated, despite having little to no modern research supporting her biases. There is no grey area that could suggest that the pain of others might warrant an empathetic reconsideration of the ‘rules’, she just holds onto these old ideas being ‘correct’. It’s as if Thneedville, and the people in it, are a product of a time where mindsets like this were the modern standards.* As I said, we cannot sign our duty of care away.

Warden: *He shifts, yielding as easily as a doe when Oncie's hand releases him to pull out his cheque book, but never stops gripping onto him. It's all going over his head, whoever that voice belongs to. Oncie is fighting a battle above the surface of the water while he sinks down below, and all he can do to avoid going (further) mad with fright is to hold on and make sure he never leaves him by himself. Right now the world is very simple - everything outside of their arms wants to hurt him or worse, abandon him to his own mind. Everything inside their arms is safe and loves him.*

Once-ler: *Sneers at her through his teeth in a low voice.* Ev-ery-thing can be bought. *He lets her speak, and as she does, he removes his thneed from his neck as if he's already made up his mind about something, not needing to hear the rest of it- because one can’t reason with a person who’s already accepted their own world view as fact. One can’t engage debate, even the most civil, with a person who has already made up their mind. The only thing that matters now is protecting his own pack. Something about the way this woman speaks is making it both harder for him to breathe the fire he usually does and at the same time makes him want to burn it all down with even more fury than when he spoke to the previous doctor. It isn't just a bigger dog biting at a smaller yappy dog, it's a fox VS a snake, both fighting for the fallen rabbit, and he's met a snake like this before. Thankfully the two women are nothing alike, but that doesn't stop the vitriolic, rebellious feeling in his gut needing to prove her wrong. He hisses again, almost scoffing at the irony of her words.* Your ‘duty of care’… *He glances to the Warden in sympathy, then back to her with far less.* Why is he so out of his mind?

Dr Zazzerzump: *Adjusts her glasses.* Is that a trick question, Mr Once-ler? All of the patients here are ‘out of their mind’, that’s what this place is for. We haven’t begun analysis or treatment on this particular patient yet, but he’s here for a reason-

Once-ler: That’s not what I meant! *He steams. Treatment of this sort has nothing to do with the rationality of the person involved, they shouldn’t be strapped up, sedated, and left in a cold corner for someone to find them- if someone ever comes to find them- without sympathetic care.* I meant why is he so sedated? Why is he all drugged up out of his mind?

Dr Zazzerzump: He was acting out, Mr Once-ler. a danger to everybody. We sedate all of our patients. It makes them feel better and it makes it easy for us to handle them and treat them. *Of course, she has no understanding of how these patients might truly feel, she’s just trying to come across as caring to hide that all she really cares about is the efficiency of her control here.*

Once-ler: *He almost screams out lout to her; ‘Even when he’s already in a straightjacket?!’ But he doesn’t, it wouldn’t help. He looks down at Edmund who can barely hear this conversation through water, he just knows Oncie is there somewhere and is trying to protect him, but if the man wasn’t here then the confusion would only be making him panic more as he looses an extra layer of stability and understanding.* He’s not comfortable at all, he doesn’t feel better at all, he’s scared. *Maybe he was being a menace, maybe he did deserve to be brought somewhere, but then shouldn’t he have been brought to a jail cell for disorderly conduct? Somewhere he can be held for safety reasons, call someone he knows, speak to a lawyer and at least be reviewed before taken to an asylum? Who authorised that he be brought here? Were they called before the police and just snapped him up to fill one of their patient cells?… He had no idea this sort of conduct was going on here, in his own city. This is old, archaic stuff. For as abstract as Thneedville is, sometimes he does feel that it’s oddly stuck in the 1970’s, as if it’s a product of a mind that’s frame of reference is a world straight out of the late 60’s. Maybe after all of this is over he really should review this place top to bottom officially and write up a report, not just because he’s been personally hurt by it and it’s employees, but because there might be things here he’s not looked at, that could seriously do with reforming.*

Dr Zazzerzump: *Says nothing. She hasn't spared a second glance at Edmund, she's been too busy watching the angry man making his demands and she clearly has no intention of treating these patients like human beings.* If you have no further requirements, I shall leave you two in peace. Visiting hours close at 6.

Once-ler: *Almost hisses at the way she ignores his genuine concerns.* That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?! *He huffs, and in a sweep of his tailcoats, he turns back to the Warden and strides strictly over to him. He glares over his shoulder to the doctor.* I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here with him.

Dr Zazzerump: *Suddenly spikes. He can’t stay here! That’s an obstacle between herself and the power she holds over everyone in the place.* Visiting hours close at 6 Mr-

Once-ler: I heard you! And I don’t care. If you won’t let me take him out then I have no other option than to stay with him overnight while I make preparations to have him removed.

Dr Zazzerzump: *Sneers* Mr Once-ler if you do not leave, I will have to have you removed by security.

Once-ler: *Turns around and folds his arms.* Who do you think your security is funded by? Who do you think your very institute is funded by? *He squints and tilts his head.* The Thneedville government? *He scoffs at her*. You think your governments have more power than corporations? Where did you hire your security, from the government or from a company?

Dr Zazzerzump: *Remains quiet and clenches her jaw.*

Once-ler: That’s what I thought. *He tilts his head to the door.* Go on, call them, tell them to remove me… If you really think they’ll listen to your orders over mine. *Fine. He’ll play her games of ‘procedure’ and ‘protocol’, she can make this harder for him as much as she wants, that doesn’t mean she’s going to enjoy it.*

Dr Zazzerzump: *Her icy demeanour starting to crack, she tries to hold herself together, keep her composure, refrain from forming shaking fists with her hands at her sides. By the second, the Once-ler is revealing to her what little power she has, despite her doing her best to hold onto it.* Fine. *He hisses under her breath.*

Once-ler: *Turns his back to return to the Warden.* You understand then. Good. I’ll stay here with him for as long as I need. *He won’t leave until Edmund is in his custody, until he can take him out of this dreadful place. Every part of him just wants to drag him our right now, hire his own security, pay theirs off, rip him out of the straight jacket and take him home, but the amount of chaos that that would cause in both the short and long term just isn’t worth the trauma that it’d have on Edmund. For one thing he’d need to leave him to get it all done that fast, and he couldn’t bear to leave him with them- who knows what they would do while he’s unsupervised? The manic of all the action and panic could have a terrible effect on him, while doctors are grabbing at them, large security men are shouting and the Thneedville public are watching him like a spectacle. It’d be cruel to drag him through that. It’d also cause more problems in the long term for them both if if he acted so unofficially. The best thing he can do is be sensible and assertive, plan his escape right by his side, make sure it’s as easy as it can be, and never leave him alone so long as he’s still in here. He’ll need important files and equipment to do it, and that’ll take time to arrange that if he wants to stay with him the whole time, but it can be achieved. Anything can be achieved by the Once-ler. He leans down by his boyfriend and tucks the thneed into Edmund's bound arms across his front so that he can hide his face in it. He leans into his ear.* I'm not going anywhere. *He straightens up and turns to the doctors, standing between them and Edmund and acting as a barrier while looking incredibly tall at his full height and the extra tower of his hat.*

Warden: *He curls up when Oncie gives him the thneed, and the scent of butterfly milk and truffula tufts proves to the animal in the back of his mind that he's still safe. Still, he shivers when he feels Oncie pull away, and buries himself in the fluff, focusing on the gentle way Oncie spoke to him as his sluggish mind tries to hold on to whatever it can through the grey and depressing mire. He doesn't even remember what he did to deserve being locked up in here.*

Once-ler: I didn't get to where I am today, to owning all of your jobs today, under the false idea that 'not everything can be bought'. *His hand forms a fist by his side, the other one pointing a sharp finger.* I've been nice, I’ve played your game, now you're gonna listen to me. This man is leaving this building no later than tomorrow.

Dr Zazzerzump: *Opens her mouth to speak*-

Once-ler *His index finger and thumb pinch together before anyone can interject, as if making a ‘zip it’ gesture.* I don't wanna hear anymore goddamn bullshit recited from ancient documents! You can either make this easier for me or you can make it harder on yourselves, either way I'm getting what I want. I don't care what strings I have to pull, he's leaving tomorrow. You wanna know why? Because if you won't comply, then I can have all of you replaced with people who will by just making three phone calls. So it makes no difference to me other than the fact you're wasting my time!

[The nurses behind the head Dr Zazzersump and take a step back, they straighten up with a spike of adrenaline in their chests, listening to the orders like soldiers. Dr Zazzerzump blinks at him, momentarily surprised and panic setting in at that threat, which quickly turns into cold anger to hide it. She looks around her staff and can feel her own sense of control slowly crumble as the medical teams have their attention stolen away from her by the Once-ler. The man has always been very good at claiming almost anything as his own.]

Once-ler: *Starts to count on his fingers. Without shouting, now sounding more like a very strict, growling army general. Suddenly they all feel like they work for him.* I want his discharge signed. I want his duty of care handed to me. I want his clothes ready. I want him off whatever shit you've been shoving down his throat. I want his goddamn glasses! And I want it all done by 3pm tomorrow because that's how fast it will take me to fuck up your whole system here and make it mine. *If he were an animal, the hackles of his fur would be rising and his teeth would be bearing, the gruffness of his voice growling through with that last word.* Every single one of you is going to be bought because all of these procedures you're following can be bought, so you better not waste any of my goddamn time once I slam that gavel down onto your precious procedures and shove them in my back pocket! *Points a finger towards each of them.* Get it all done by 3pm tomorrow and not a second later, because The Once-ler will not be late.

[The frightened shocked doctors and nurses behind Dr Zazzersump all stare at her with gormless speechlessness. They’re ready to skitter away and do everything he’s asked without question, because, SHIT, they need to get on this fast to have it all ready by tomorrow. Dr Zazzerzump herself is sweating, and every bitter bone in her body wishes she wasn’t. How dare he turn the tables on them and make such unrealistic demands with such a short deadline, they’d have to drop everything to get this done by then.]

Dr. Zazzerzump: *She attempts to straighten up at the same rate that the Once-ler rises, meeting his eyes and paying cold attention but not interrupting him now he’s on a roll. She holds rigid against his threats and swallows, but as she notices her staff becoming more restless at the mention of procedures and paper work, she can’t find a reason to oppose it. What he's asking for is technically reasonable, if unorthodox, so he’s trapped her in a dead end, all her talk of procedures turned back on her, and thrown the threat of a deadline at them all. Thank god that it is reasonable though, in the tightest possible way of tip-toeing around all the orthodox rules, because by this point not even she wants to deal with what wrath he might bring if she refuses him again. At the end of the day, he owns this town more than anyone else, more than she owns this asylum- regrettably.*

Warden: *He hears a man yelling, and like a dreamstate he simultaneously recognises the voice as his Oncie, and expects it to belong to a very different, much more violent man - because that's the man who would normally be in a locked cell like this with him unable to fight back. It’s confusing as his hearts instinct battles his learned neurological instinct. He curls further, clenching his eyes shut even tighter and reminding himself beneath all the numb and rubbery haze that Oncie is protecting him, Oncie will come for him, and that despite the sound of that powerful voice reminding him of things more dangerous, maybe it’s only so powerful because for once it’s actually protecting him. It does sound a lot like his strong Oncie after all. He’s safe.*

Once-ler: *Pulls in a deep breath and grabs the lapels of his jacket, pulling on them to straighten them. Clears his throat.* I will stay with him here overnight, I will keep the button alarm on me should I need to make anymore requests, no-one is to come near him unless it's for very specific medical reasons I'm unqualified to perform. Food, drink, medication, cleaning, anything else will all be handled by myself, and I want him weaned off the medication ASAP. *He raises an eyebrow.* You better hurry up then.

[The nurses scatter like a flock of pigeons, forgetting for a moment that Dr Zazzerzump needed to give an official before they can, but the Once-ler is right, they do need to hurry up if they want it all done on time. They need to turn the place upside down to avoid his wrath if he’s ready to leave tomorrow at 3pm and they’re late for it. How can the man work so fast when there’s only one of him and he can’t leave a cell? They have an entire team of people but they’re the ones frantically panicking for a deadline.)

Dr Zazzerzump: *Behind her, the doctors and nurses have backed off skittishly and darted off to work, trapped between the demands of two different dangerous animals who could both ruin their lives if they make a wrong move, but the bigger one clearly won. After a pause to collect her thoughts, Dr. Zazzerzump clears her throat and raises her hand to them. They’ve already made up their minds who they’re taking orders from now, but she throws out an official instruction, just to maintain a semblance of composure.* *Clears her throat.* Yes!- Mh.. Do as he says. For 3pm tomorrow.

*They scatter out of the door like spilled marbles, leaving the two alone. Then Dr. Zazzerzump continues.*

Dr. Zazzerzump: *Bitterly* The medication is a temporary sedative; it will wear off by morning and I shall make a note that no further doses will be required. There will be a nurse on call to arrange for overnight accommodations. *Grimaces, but tries to maintain professional. The decision has already been made now, all she can do is go along with it and appear as reasonable as she can to avoid receiving that harsh report.* Should you require anything further, the staff will assist you. Is that everything, Mr. Once-ler?

Once-ler: *Finally seems like he might consider withdrawing his claws the moment people start following his orders, especially when the woman confirms it to her staff. The fact that she doesn’t even question his power, influence or ability to have everything done by tomorrow in order to take Edmund out, goes a long way to placating him. He’d have really started ruining lives, he doesn’t care who the head doctor in this place is, if she’d said something like ‘we can’t guarantee, sir, that the changes you claim to make will be completed by then, if at all, and so signing documents and making preparations for rules that aren’t already in place would be a misdirection of time as well as possibly setting us up for illegal- blah blah blah.’ Good thing they all know when they’re in the jaw of the lion.* Yes. You can leave us alone.

*Dr Zazzerzump leaves with a slight twist in her expression, letting out a silent frustrated, but almost relieved that it’s over, sigh of relief. As she and the rest of the staff move away down the corridor and the door swings shut with a heavy thunk, she can be heard issuing clipped commands to everyone else. She tries not to rush too much, because rushing tends to make mistakes, but these things will move quick.*

Once-ler: *When everyone leaves and they’re finally left in private again, he turns back to Edmund, curled up on the floor, and all the anger sighs out of him (at least for now). Drops back down to his knees and leans over him, places his hand on his shoulder.* Edmund…? *His eyebrows knot up.* Edmund it’s me, they’re all gone.

Warden: *He pulls slightly tighter around himself when he feels the pressure of someone's footsteps on the floor beside him. The pressure on his shoulder doesn't make him jump - it can't – but he feels a spike of fear, in automatic self defence he tries to strike like a cornered rat and bite the hand. In reality though, he just manages to turn slowly and gasp. And then Oncie speaks, and he forgets everything except that his knight in shining armour is here.*

Warden: *He cracks open his eyes and looks up at Oncie, his brow creased with worry, desperate to get himself moving enough to talk but unable to force it.* O-okay. *He needs those bright blue eyes so much, but they're so bright he can barely look at them. His pupils visibly shrink against them. He shuts his eyes tight again with distress, hating the grey and how close he is to everything terrible around him.*

*This is so much. The cogs in his brain try to turn, and he thinks that he wants to break the bad feelings with a joke, or a flippant comment - it's not a conscious thought, but it's what the instincts in him tell him to do. He forces himself to speak again, his voice a hushed whisper.* ...I’m s- I'm really... Really scared.

Once-ler: *Sees the way Edmund almost tries to flinch and his eyebrows knot up harder. He can't even protect himself, it's so sad. Then that recognition comes and he swallows, his stomach fluttering with sad little butterflies but fluttering nonetheless.* I- I know, I know you are. *Sighs out and immediately drops down to wrap his arms around him and bundle him up again. He knew he'd get nowhere asking for them to release him from the straight jacket, not if they won’t even let him have his glasses because he's too unpredictable apparently. He was hoping he might be able to fumble with it himself once alone, but as he hugs him and feels around the back of it, he feels the padlocks and realises that not just anyone outside of the wrapped patient himself is free to mess with it. He mentally sighs, but just becomes more kind and gentle in response.* It's okay if you're scared. *His voice becomes thick but he holds himself together.* It's okay, but you don't have to be scared now, because- because I'm here s- so you're safe, and nothing is going to hurt you or scare you anymore. *Cups his hand around the back of his head and pulls him into his shoulder, and plants a long pressed kiss into his head.*

Warden: *His arms shuffle what little they can in an unconscious attempt to reach out and hold onto Oncie, but the best he can do is curl up as close as he can into the hug. Eyes shut, surrounded by his scent, he listens to the words and slowly translates them - he has to wait for each word to pop into meaning like bubbles from the ocean floor. His body relaxes a little bit, unable to protect himself anymore - no powers, no strength, not even his special filter that means nothing is real and nothing really matters. Suddenly everything matters, and it all wants to hurt him. Except Oncie. He's still here, he didn't leave forever. He sniffs, still tearful, and nuzzles into his shoulder and the thneed still tangled up between them. That kiss sends a wave of relief and love through him, and he realises without surprise that he's crying again. He shuffles again against the jacket, not enough to be considered 'a struggle', but miserably testing what it is. In a slightly thicker voice of his own, he asks,* What did I do? *He's obviously in trouble, he obviously did something, because he's in prison. If he wasn't so addled he'd be mad on his own behalf and flailing about it again, but all he can figure right now is that everyone's upset with him except Oncie, and that doesn't feel great.*

Once-ler: *Opens his eyes wide when he's asked what he did wrong, and he doesn't know how to answer. Even if the Warden wasn't sedated and put up a good fight, he'd crack eventually. He might go feral for a bit, but these people are… ‘trained’ to handle a dangerous, damaged psych patient like him. He's the Warden to himself, he's The Once-ler's soulmate to the man holding him, but the reality is that to them he's just another severe case like so many other names on a list and fading faces in the facility rooms. Their treatment of him is completely wrong, but he’s not a stable man, that’s the reality, and right now there's a lot of reality, there isn't a lot of Edmund. A runt might try to put up a good fight with it's teeth and it's ratty snarls, but in the end it'll still drop down under the teeth of a dog bigger and scarier than it, when it’s adrenaline has worn off and it knows it can’t put up a fight, when it's instincts tell it how small it really is and that it should just conserve it's energy and lie down. Edmund, at his heart, is a meek man. The thought of him being lost here, hiding fearfully in the corner of a room away from the dogs that beat the defences out of him, just like his father did, is the worst nightmare he ever could have conjured up.*

Once-ler: *His arms grip around him tighter, tighter than the jacket, and the way he feels him weakly squirm makes his heart break. He pulls back just enough to see his face, hand still cupping the back of his head, so it isn't heavy for Edmund to hold up.* Ohh... *His eyebrows knot.* It was just... *He doesn't even know what to say. He glances down his body and starts to shuffle them so they can rest against the wall in the corner of the room where it's most secluded.* You must be cold, let me help. *He shuffles up into the corner, carrying his boyfriend slowly with him, and takes the thneed back. He lets him rest between his legs against his front while he stretches out the thneed and turns it into a blanket. His heart is pounding and he's trying to swallow down an emotional lump, then he lays the thneed blanket over Edmund and then shuffles out of his own green tailcoat and lays that over him too to create a second, heavier layer to keep the warmth in. Pressed between Oncie's front, then the thneed and Oncie's weighted jacket, he wraps his arms around him and hugs him to his chest.* There. There, that's better.

Warden: *When Oncie cups his face, he looks up into his eyes as best he can and tries to understand what he did. Deep down, beneath all of his delusions, the current sedatives, the self-denial and the fantasies, he knows he's doing bad things. But if he didn't do those bad things, he'd be doing something even worse by letting down the terrible spirit of his father. To be good he has to be a good prison warden, and a good prison warden is vicious, cruel and controlling. But, because he's always been an empathetic baby, he knows that to be vicious, cruel and controlling makes people hate you and makes you a bad person. He can't win. There is no condition where everyone likes him and is pleased with him, so the only conclusion he has ever been able to come to is that he's just an inherently bad human being. But that's okay if he's louder than everyone else, insists to everyone else that he isn’t until he’s *delusional*, and tries to make them happy occasionally by making things fun. That's why he includes the prisoners in his science fairs and vacations and car races – bad, boring wardens wouldn’t do that, right?*

 *His expression breaks, tears filling his eyes as his mouth quivers and devastation spreads across his features. When he was a little boy, the scariest thing in the world was the thought of being abandoned for being bad. Now, here, it feels like reality itself is doing just that - he's been shoved out the way and left behind. He clamps up and tries not to make a sound, in case that's bad too.*

*He's completely pliable as Oncie moves them, trying to help but he can only move his legs and he can't move them much. When they settle, though, and he's covered in layers of warm weight and held all tightly in his protector's arms, reality feels that bit further away and he remembers that he's not been abandoned. Not fully, not by everyone.* *With a little bleat, he nods. It is better. His bare feet push against the cold floor beneath the blankets so that he's pushed against Oncie's front.* *After a moment, he finds the words to say.* Whatever I did... I- I didn't mean to... *That's a lie. But he'd do anything to be kept.*

Once-ler: *Feels his heart break when he sees the tears and tries to catch them with his thumb as he cups his cheek. He hugs him to his front, treasuring him like he's the only teddy-bear his parents have ever been able to afford, and clinging to him like a child hiding from the shadows in a wardrobe. Gasps at his words and whispers.* You didn't- It was an accide- it was a mistake- *He feels distinctly, innocently, devastated and sick to his stomach with guilt and worry, in an almost confused way that a juvenile would. As if he's at fault of doing something so bad to the younger kid living next door, who he often goes out to play with, but it's also his responsibility to take care of. But this time he convinced him to jump into the lake, climb too far up a tree, go too close to a wild animal, and it's his fault now that something terrible happened to him, and he's terrified of being told off by both their mom’s. So he just hides in the woods with him, trying to fix it and not knowing how, and just telling him that he's okay and everything will be fine, but he also feels sick with horror. His voice breaks.* But- but I'm going to fix it- I will! I'll fix it!

*He gasps as tears form in his own eyes and he curls around him. He's letting him down, he can't do anything right, he can't even get him out of this place in a city that be basically owns.* I- I'm so sorry- It's my fault. *His expression breaks down and he pulls him to his front, hooking his head over his shoulder and shaking it with guilt. He's useless. He can't even protect him from his own damn city.* I'm sorry, I'm s- so, so sorry, Edmund. I'm so sorry.

Warden: *He nuzzles against him, drying his tears on Oncie's front and pressing against him for safety until his muscles start to soften - he can't keep the effort up for very long, but he always stays hugged up in his arms. He lets out a soft hiccup when he hears that it was an accident, or a mistake, whatever it was. He can't remember how he ended up here - every memory is fuzzy and indistinct like a dream that fades faster the more he tries to grasp for it - but at least Oncie doesn't blame him. Right now that's the very final thing that matters, like the last star still burning in the sky. Everything else has failed, but Oncie is always there, and he never leaves him.*

*He doesn't quite understand when Oncie says he'll 'fix it'. He doesn't know what there is to fix, because prison is an inevitable force that can't be changed. It's like saying you'll fix a sunset. His eyes crack open again, wet eyelashes fluttering against his boyfriend's neck while his own dears don’t cease.* Hm? *The cogs try to turn again.* W-Why? *His voice is hushed, but it's still his usual loopy, lyrical lisp, with a quiver of sadness.* You're here. *That is the only thing that matters. The only thing.*

Once-ler: *Looks down at him with wet eyelashes too.* Because, well because you're still here too and I think it's my fault you are. *He sniffs and begins wiping the Warden's tears away with his hand, since he can't do it himself.* But- but like I said, I'll fix it. *He makes sure not to talk too quickly, to let the words sink in.* I'm going to take you back home, I'm going to make you feel better. It just- *he hiccups as another tear appears and he wipes it away on his shoulder,* It just won't be right now. But I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here with you until I can make everything okay again- and then forever after that.

Warden: *He looks up at Oncie with half-lidded eyes, still tight enough in the corners that the middle-aged creases around them are visible, but more relaxed than they have been thus far. He blinks slowly when Oncie wipes his tears away, foggy from the sedatives, believing everything he says because he has no choice but to do so, and trusting him because how could he not? He knows in his heart that nobody should like him enough to be here, but Oncie is because they're in love.*

*His subconscious can't quite believe it when he's told they're going to get out of here, not because he doesn't trust Oncie but because he's never known a reality where a prison wasn't an ultimate and inescapable thing. If he was sober he'd believe him, but he can't right now. However, when he says he'll be with him forever 'after that'... something shifts. To hear that Oncie wants to be with him forever shakes up the foundations he otherwise fully believed in, and the idea that there might be a forever after this suddenly becomes plausible. His eyes widen just a little bit more - even as glassy as they are - and a smile slowly spreads across his face, welling up with hopeful, emotional, grief-stricken tears as raw feeling is able to bleed up through the sedation.* Ye... yeah? *He sounds so hopeful, and with the tone of a soldier wanting someone to keep talking to him as he bleeds out on the battlefield, his chest shuddering with emotional hiccups. Nuzzled up against him, able to feel his heartbeat and bury in his scent, looking up at him and hearing his voice - if he can't have his glasses, he can put a new barrier between himself and the rest of reality.*

Once-ler: *His heart breaks and clutches at the hope in the Warden's voice, seeing him smile makes some ray of hope bloom in him too. Nothing can stop the happiness that the Warden brings to the Once-ler when he smiles, no amount of sedatives or guilt, when the man shows that grin, shows the cute gap in his teeth and has that hope in his eyes, it can’t stop Oncie from smiling back to greet him. As his eyes well up again with painful love at the way the Warden’s overflow, he smiles a little too.* Ye-hes...* He almost sobs out silently, between his quivering, smiling lips. He sniffs, then leans in slowly, gently cups Edmunds cheek to tilt towards him, and presses his lips to his. The kiss lingers in softness, barely any pressure applied but the sentiment still clear. His arms squeeze him tenderly a little bit, and after he pulls away he gazes into his eyes and replies in a low voice.* Yes. I promise.

Warden: *He drinks in Oncie's smile like it's sunlight, fortifying him a little better and feeding that faith that everything is going to be alright. He can't envision what it might look like (which spooks him, because he has a very vivid imagination) but he believes that he'll feel better soon. Like a feedback loop, Oncie's returned smile only makes his bigger too. Then they kiss, and under the sedatives it feels like his stomach has erupted like an underwater volcano, something hot and wild and frantically desperate, dampened by a thick layer of vacuum, but unmistakeably there. It feels like he’s been kissed for the very first time, by the only person he’ll love for the rest of his life. It takes him a second to react before his lips twitch and then he's kissing back too - with a similar light pressure, but still very much a presence. Oncie is here, and Oncie loves him, he’s been saved. They draw back, and he looks up at him with utter trust, wide and glassy-eyed, but believing in him as the most powerful force of nature to exist. His eyes might be foggy, but his smile shines through for him.*

Once-ler: *Pulls away from the kiss and adores the smile on Edmunds face. He desperately needs that belief- because no-one else has ever believed in him. Strokes his thumb over his cheek as he cups his face and he gazes into his eyes, wiping away some more tears for his boyfriend. His eyebrows knot up as he blinks his own away and he sighs out sadly.* My little bunny... *Kisses his forehead again and tilts his head in concern, squinting his own eyes as if trying to stop them from being so bright, because he knows they're bright for the Warden without his glasses.* Do your eyes hurt?

Warden: *The combination of Oncie's gentle handling, the safe weight of the covers and the kind tone of his voice softens the Warden's body until he's a warm, heavy weight against his front. He still squints as he looks up into Oncie's eyes, but he doesn't want to lose him by shutting his own.* *It takes him a moment to translate the question, especially since he's still glowing over the kind and loving pet-name, but then he replies quietly,* Mmhmm... a little. *He doesn't care anymore, though. As long as his world is so small that it's only the two of them, he can survive even if they do ache.* I-it's okay.

Once-ler: *Eyebrows knot up in sympathy.* I can't get your glasses but- *Reaches up above his top hat where his sunglasses rest on his head and takes them, while also removing his hat and placing it down.* You can wear mine if it makes you more comfortable. *He helps him try them on, knowing that they're not yellow lenses so can't make anything warmer, but they are dark and so might helps soothe some of the brightness or overwhelming peripheral vision. The weight of glasses on his face might also just provide something of a placebo effect, who knows?* Does that feel better, or no?

Warden: *He watches with glassy docility as Oncie places the glasses on his face, and as darkness falls over his vision he blinks in curiosity. Then the unseen tension in his shoulders relax and the lines around his eyes soften. That feels much better - even if they still aren't right and don't make him feel like he's in his own little fantasy world, he does at least have the separation and some rest for his weak eyes.*

*He smiles up at him from behind his sunglasses, looking quite the picture in his colourless hospital clothes, restraints, and Oncie's sunglasses.* Much better. *He shuffles against him, unable to inch any closer but just wanting to feel the action of drawing nearer to him anyway.* Thank you... *He thanks him as innocently as a child knowing to be polite, but with all the love they share together.*

Once-ler: *Gently smiles when he sees that it's made him feel somewhat better.* Good~ *Leans down and kisses his forehead.* You're welcome. *His stomach squirms as he feels Edmund shift and for a moment wonders if he's uncomfortable, but then he settles against him.* They suit you. *He says with a quiet chuckle, wanting to ease some tension with a playful compliment.

Warden: *Blinks at Oncie with his own, slightly delirious, giggle. He looks up at him with endless gratitude, even just for the slight attempt at play with the compliment, because any amount of play is a good distraction away from bad feelings for the Warden.*

Once-ler: *He smiles back with depth behind his gaze. His heart then skips a beat as he thinks about saying it again, and maybe hearing it back, although he wouldn't worry if he doesn't because knows now that he's capable of it at least. His arms squeeze around him gently, lovingly and he mumbles by his ear.* I love you.

Warden: *He's so glad he's squeezed back, too. He wants that tangible sense of being as close as possible, so his senses are full with the fact that he's protected - because it's really spooky being unable to do anything to defend himself. When he hears those three words again, his body rises with a deep breath of relief and a rush of giddy - if woozy - happiness. Hearing those words still doesn't feel real, those words never applied to him before this man came along, and on some foggy level he understands that even now in all this bad feeling Oncie still wants him enough to be here and say that. Emotion rises in the back of his throat and for a moment his heart flutters. He loves him too.*

*He wants to say those words back. In the addled and muzzy confusion of the past few hours, he's not sure if he's ever been able to or not, but those are also dangerous words that might mean something very bad happens if he says them out loud. He doesn't want to bring down an axe on Oncie right when they're at their weakest, but at the same time he wants to say it so bad.* I-I... *He swallows, then quickly nods as a lump rises in his throat. Silently, he begs Oncie to understand.*

Once-ler: *His hand rises into the Warden's hair and he strokes his fingers through it. He smiles as he watches him try to reply, and doesn't force him, the fact that he's trying to is proof enough, it always has been. His stomach flutters and he leans down to press his lips against his head. He adds quietly when the Warden stops himself.* I know.

Warden: *He's so relieved to hear that Oncie doesn't need him to say it. If he did, the pressure would be too much, especially right now, and he wouldn't know what to do to make it go away. As it is, rather than struggle with the darkness, he's able to float in his arms, and even though he's far from home and can't move his body and doesn't know what to do, he's still kind of cosy. Even a little bit happy.*

*A few moments ago, he said those words because he wasn't sure if he'd ever see Oncie again, and if Oncie was getting away from him then... he was escaping, so maybe he'd hear them and wouldn't be hurt. That was the thought process, the desperation, that managed to coax those words out of him. As he clings to his soulmate's front as best he can, calmer and more aware that they're both here and both 'in danger', he isn't sure they have that freedom. A big man with an axe might enter at any moment. But somehow he still feels like Oncie might be a bigger man. He tilts his head closer to Oncie's chest and says very quietly, forcing the words forward,* A-are we safe?

Once-ler: *His hand comes round and clutches his head protectively when he feels him tilt towards his chest, and when he asks that question he opens his mouth to reply, but then a quick knock taps against the door and the sound of locks clicking with keys echoes through. His attention flicks to it and his grip tightens around Edmund, not to worry him but to make him aware he's protected. He stares towards the incoming sound like a wolf ready to pounce with sharp eyes, ready to snarl at the threat. But he suddenly remembers to collect himself.*

*The knock isn't so much of a request to enter as it is a warning someone is entering, the kind of half assed knock an aged mother gives on her teenage sons bedroom door before sweeping in to dump a pile of laundry on the bed. It's not so much of a knock and entry as it is two hard taps and the immediate creak of the metal hospital door as it sweeps open and white light floods through. An older, plumper woman enters with a younger nurse by her side. The former has been a carer for forty years, the latter didn't want to come back here alone.*

Older nurse: Evenin' Mr. Once-ler, sorry to disturb, but we've brought the overnight stuff by instruction of Dr. Zazzerzump. *She has bags under her eyes, her voice is nasally and she speaks her words with a slow drawl. She's a chunky, round figure and is the type of old nurse who has changed so many bedpans over the years that nothing disgusts or surprises her anymore. Although some patients occasionally do, including this one, but she's good at brushing it off and getting on with her job.* C'mon Lissie! *She enters further into the room holding a large roll of bedding like a lady Viking shifting a boulder. Lessie, a younger, fairly new nurse shuffles in hesitantly after her with pillows.* Do you want it assem-ba-lin' for you, Sir?

Warden: *Suddenly there's noise and voices and loud rattling, and it hits him all wrong because his brain can't process things properly right now. If he was by himself he'd panic and fear would strike and thrash him at them like a prey animal caught in a net. Flinching at and away from them somewhere between impulsive attempts to snap defensively and simply shriek from fright- or, that's what he'd think he'd be doing. In reality the sedative is too much to let him do anything shake out of fear and try to hiss. But his instincts are different now that there's someone else to take care of him, a bigger predator able to fight for him, and so that panicked, protective aggression doesn't trigger. Instead, he's just terrified and begging for rescue. He yelps at the sudden noise, and instinctively dives further against Oncie as if he were trying to dig himself into the ground. His body can be felt to begin to shake, and his hands tighten under his restraints as he grips onto himself in an automatic attempt to protect his organs. He lets out a small sound of fear and manages to dig his heel into the ground and shove himself as hard as he can into Oncie's arms, trying to hide in him like a deer hiding between the legs of a stag.*

Once-ler: *Is frowning towards the noise, but he blinks at the Warden's sudden rustling and hiding and feels his heart clutch in his chest as the same rate his hands clutch around him. His gaze snaps towards the door, now not so furious because things are more in his control and he has his soulmate back in his arms, but still protective. He assumes it's nurses returning to drop off the overnight accommodations he was promised, but Edmund doesn't have enough comprehension of what's happening to understand that's all this is. He pulls him into his front, hiding his face in his chest as he holds his hand against the back of his head and pulls their makeshift covers up a little more over him. He feels the shaking and hears the sound, and as his stomach clenches he can't help but whisper down to him that he's okay. Then he orders at the women.* No, just drop them down there and go. I'll do them myself.

Warden: *He's tense - really, really tense - as he grits his teeth and tries to block out the fact that reality is once again intruding on his world just when it was starting to arrange itself in a tiny little bubble he could kind of begin to handle. He was okay, for a second when it was just them. But the noise leaves him exposed to the real world again, to people who threaten everything about him. Even them just looking at him means he's not The Warden, which is the only thing his mind can deal with.*

*He's not sure if he'll end up bending his sunglasses with the force he's putting on them as he buries himself in Oncie's front. His arms shove, just once, in a panicked attempt to grab around his boyfriend's waist or flail at oncoming danger, but it's not strong and the jacket prevents anything from really happening. He can hear his breathing squeak, but he does at least calm a little bit when he hears Oncie talk to him. He stops his minute attempts at struggling, though his heart still flutters and he still freezes against him like a rabbit caught in an open field.*

Older Nurse: *Shrugs and drops the things on the floor. Lissie does the same, dropping down the pillows and a bag containing some overnight supplies. She grumbles on her way out barely heard.* A 'thank you' would be nice… Young men these days-

Nurse Lessie: *Nudges the older nurse and points over to the Warden. Whispers to her.* Nurse Julie, is that allowed?

Warden: *He doesn't really follow what they're saying, but he recognises the tones enough to hear when they drop the things on the floor - which makes him jump anyway - and start to leave. He begins to soften, just a little, but then they start talking again and he kicks at the ground beneath the covers and whispers Oncie's name in the smallest voice, begging him to make them go away.*

Once-ler: *He feels the pressure against him and doesn't care if his sunglasses are bent so long as they don't end up hurting the Warden himself. The kicking and the little whisper of his name only makes that anger surge up harder because now he's responding to his soulmates fear and feels anxious to defend his space. He just made a warm nest for him and they're invading it.*

Nurse Julie: *Huffs and looks over with her hand on her hips, adjusting her own glasses when she notices the new ones on the Warden.* Sir, I can't say that won't count as contraband like his own if he's-

Once-ler: *Is currently hooking his chin over the Warden's head and stroking his back with his hand under the coat and thneed. He rolls his eyes and snaps at her, the demand barked and final.* Just get out.

Warden: *Flinches at the sudden loud voice, his common sense even more inhibited with the sedatives and therefore his learned behaviour responds instinctively with a flinch to the shout of the angry man. But a split second later, he recognises the voice as his Oncie, which makes sense because the shout was very close and Oncie is hugging him right now, and that flinch immediately settles because he knows he’s being protected. Oncie is so powerful and has such a presence, he’d recognise that voice of his anywhere, it’s the voice that shows strength and makes demands around Superjail despite everything. Even in the jaws of Superjail, Oncie is still a force to be reckoned with. For some reason, that foggy thought almost makes his throat close up.*

Nurse Julie: *Rolls her eyes and shrugs as she turns and then leads Lessie out of the room.* There, that's your answer. *They close it all back up and leave them in peace.*

The Once-ler: *Once the women are gone, his attention immediately turns back to the man in his arms, even if a part of him is still watching their surroundings so that Edmund knows someone is.* Hey, hey, it's okay, they're gone. *He curls around him and rubs his lips against his head, speaking in a softer voice.* You're safe now.

Warden: *He's shaking like a leaf when the door shuts, eyes clenched shut, and realising beneath everything that he's in a really, really bad place, and that for him to be in this really bad place, something really has gone wrong. A certain existential understanding falls over him, but he doesn't have the processing power to handle it. He's actually in trouble. This is a situation that might not just go away like a sickness or a nightmare, but this might mean his life has really changed permanently. His eyes fly open and he looks up at Oncie like he's desperate to see something other than the terrible world he's landed himself in, and he whispers the word that signals that he wants everything to stop. His white flag, his safe-word, the sign that he wants to be in his bed now, and for the ride to stop so he can get off.* I'm sorry. *His voice is barely audible, but his expression is a mask of anguish. He pants with the appearance of falling into a pain-induced panic.* I'm so sorry.

Once-ler: *The shaking only makes him grip harder, as if it might keep him stable, especially at the way Edmund tries to hug for him but just can't. All he can do is hold him back with more strength, and at the least it keeps him warm so the chill doesn't make the shaking worse. Then he feels him lift his head and so he looks back down to him, and that expression of complete, traumatised surrender breaks his heart so hard that it makes him gasp out loud. Then those words come, and he loses his own. He doesn't know what to say, he feels his tongue go cold with a kind of horrified nausea. He shakes his head, eyes wide with knotted eyebrows as he gazes into his eyes and tries to just understand what he means.*

*Something in his expression, in his eyes, is telling him and he thinks he might just see the existential anguish in them. He just wants it to stop, he knows he's been bad - because he's in a bad place, and that's how he knows it works - but he doesn't quite know or remember what he's done. But he feels it, and he'll just apologise for anything, to anyone, to hope it might make the pain go away, that it might stop the punishment. When has he ever offered that grace to anyone himself? Maybe he doesn't even know it's an option, which makes this even more devastating if it's just a broken last cry for help that he knows is hopeless. Nevertheless, what he begs for is a thing that, in his childhood and world view, has always been nothing but an inconceivable idea that’s as real as the Easter bunny. That thing is mercy.*

*He sighs out a shuddering pained breath and cups his face gently with his hand.* Ohh... Bunny... *He swallows, feeling a small lump in his throat. He can only think of one thing to say, whether or not it's appropriate to come from him. None of this seems personal, none of it seems specific, it's all just highly emotional and much like Edmund will say anything to make the punishment end, Oncie will say whatever he needs to hear to ease him in this moment.* I forgive you. *He pulls him into his shoulder and curls around him, his knees coming up even more to cradle him.* You're forgiven. I can't make the bad things stop right now but I can promise you that you're not in trouble, not with me. You were never in trouble with me. *He kisses the side of his head a few times* And I'm staying here, and as long as I'm here with you, you're in a place where you're not in danger, you're not in trouble and you're not being punished, even if you're upset and hurting.

Warden: *His wide eyes stare up through the sunglasses and lock onto Oncie's, desperate for them. When his hand cups his face, he tilts into it so that his cheek is slightly smushed by his palm, a sliver of his teeth visible between parted lips, and big, terrified eyes filling with tears. When Oncie says those words, for a moment his world stops. His eyes can't pull any wider, but his breath pauses and something settles deep down in him - the little motor that had been driving him to higher and higher panic, telling him that he was in trouble and to run. When he hears that he's forgiven, it starts to very carefully melt down.*

*He's pulled in, and again he tries to hard to hug back but the best he can do is press against him and nuzzle into his warm embrace. His eyes don't shut but they do tighten as tears fall again, and he watches Oncie from the hug like he doesn't dare turn away and find out that he's a figment of a dream. He hears Oncie tell him that he's not in trouble, that he's never been in trouble with Oncie, and that he's going to stay here. That he's not in danger and he's not going to be hurt even though he doesn't feel good. A little bleat splutters out of him as he absorbs those kisses, needing them so badly.*

*'Forgiveness' has never been a word in the Warden's vocabulary. In day-to-day life, sure, he'll forgive a slight. He'll forgive his friends for mistakes and accidents, or deliberately pretend they don't hate him if they do something that hurts, but that's not mercy. Mercy is different. He's never once granted mercy to a prisoner without an ulterior motive. The only other time he ever showed mercy was when he dared to feed that puppy, and they both know what happened after that. Justice and mercy are two sides of the same coin, but he's never flipped his over. His father never flipped it over either - all he's ever known is black-and-white punishment for crimes. Mercy is ‘cheating’, as his Father would think. But he's so scared, and he'd do anything to make the fear go away. He'll cheat if he has to, not realising that he's not 'cheating', but genuinely crying out for help because his mind and sanity are still fighting for a shred of survival and he’s too small and weak to do it himself. His whisper of those words might as well be a scream from a burning building.*

Once-ler: *He doesn't realise that what the Warden’s psychology really reads is him granting him mercy, although that is the truth to what Oncie is offering him. Because as Edmund begs the universe for mercy in his moment of pain, the universe has granted it to him in the form of The Once-ler. Out of everything around him, this is the kind offering, the acceptance of the white flag, the hearing of the safe word and the offer to help cease the pain. That doesn't mean he can change the rest of his situation, but one corner of this situation is merciful. He does consciously know forgiveness however. He knows guilt and he knows how much freedom forgiveness can bring a person, because he knows that he himself would still be in a terrible place had the Lorax not forgiven him for all he'd done.*

Warden: *After a moment, he gives a pitiful nod. With a wet, little laugh he nuzzles his nose into his neck. He's still scared, but as Oncie insists on those promises, the dread begins to lift. He plants a gentle kiss against him.*

The Once-ler: *That lump in his throat grows as he sees the Warden's reaction, but he stays strong, his stomach flutters at the gentle kiss against him and he bundles him up in a little squirm. They couldn't be closer but he still wants him to feel cuddled.* You're safe, Edmund, it's just you and me, and nothing can hurt you when I'm with you. *His voice is low and soft and he kisses his head again.* I love you. *He pulls back just enough to look at him and cup his face, he smiles softly, wiping a tear from his cheek with his thumb.* And in a moment I'm going to wrap us up in that soft blanket, lie us down in the pillows, and we're going to cuddle up together all night. Now that doesn't sound much like punishment, huh?

Warden: *The fear leaves him in layers, each one peeling away or falling to dust, one-by-one as Oncie handles him so tenderly. The existential dread leaves him first, as Oncie promises him that he's not in trouble and reminds him that even if he's uncomfortable, he's not going to be harmed by anyone so long as he's here. Beneath that is an animal tension, ready to spring and try to run or try to defend himself, or cry for help as his instincts prepare for a wolf attack. He's so vulnerable, and he knows it, that he's been flooding himself with adrenaline that's been battling the sedatives in his bloodstream for what must be hours. As he's cuddled up and as Oncie gives him a warm place to curl, as he kisses him and cups his face and says he'll always protect him, that slowly falls away as well.*

*Soon he's left only with the fear at the very bottom of it all, that will probably not go away until they get out of this place. That fear is manageable - it's just an undercurrent of knowledge that he hasn't got his shield and that life is scary and that he's not in Superjail anymore, and that can be carried so long as he's not left by himself. As long as Oncie is handling everything else, he can handle that.*

*It takes him a second for Oncie's words to sink through the fog, but then he nods with a weary, relieved smile, even a little chuckle in his voice.* Mmhmm~ *The smile pushes a final tear down his cheek and over Oncie's thumb, and he blushes ever-so-slightly pink when he's told that he loves him. Soft blankets and a warm bed sound very good right about now.*

Once-ler: *Lets out a soft, loving hum of laughter that's only just audible. His own chest doesn't feel quite as panicked anymore even though he still wants to get Edmund out of here as fast as possible. He's accepted what he can't change and is focusing in what he can control, and now that he can tell his boyfriend's heart rate is calming down, his own is relaxing too and becomes a calm thud against Edmund's front. A hand slides into his hair and he pulls him gently down under his chin and rests his lips against his head as he softly draws his fingertips through his hair in rhythmic circles. He loves him, more than anything in the world, he loves him, so even if Edmund couldn't be released in some ridiculous universe where the Once-ler doesn't get what he wants, he'd stay here in this room with him for an eternity. He whispers.* We'll stay here a moment and then I'll sort the bed out, okay? *He kisses his head, and just so soothe him a little more, he starts to slowly hum a little jingle he once made up about Thneeds and how everybody needs one.*

Warden: *His eyes close as Oncie's hand slides into his hair, his senses still trying to be alert for danger but failing as a sense of comfort, of utter relief, overwhelms him. He curls up under his partner's chin as he's guided, and a few more tears fall down his face - healing tears after a long day fraught with terror, rather than the cry for help they were before. He makes a soft sound that he understands, when Oncie tells him he'll move in a moment to get things sorted, and the softest, most musical little laugh escapes him when he hears that jingle. If he's playing, they really must be okay.*

*The fear fades as his world becomes encapsulated in the Once-ler's arms, and the emotions rush in slowly but surely, like an avalanche of honey. He adores this man. He needs him more than he has ever needed anything else, because he's saving him - not just protecting him like his glasses or his prison. His lips quiver with just how intensely and just how truly those emotions hit, and after a moment he pushes his face into Oncie's neck to whisper words that would normally be so terrifying but right now feel like the only things that matter.* I-I... *His voice is so quiet, not wanting the universe to hear his confession of guilt and weakness, because these words were always treated like that's what they were. But if Oncie has the power to make even mercy exist, then maybe he’s right, maybe his Father was also wrong about those three words. He said them already, in a fit of desperation that he only half-understands, but he says them now like it's a secret he's privileged to keep.* …*He takes a soft, deep breath and pushes himself harder into his arms.* I-I love you...

Once-ler: *He's happily curled around his boyfriend, loving the way he nestles into his neck and starts to calm down. When he starts to speak, he thinks he's about to try and ask or say something else; it's only when he actually says the words that it surprises him.*

*He wasn't expecting to hear the response, but he realises that Edmund finally feels safe enough to say it, because he's here with him. His chest clutches, time slows down again and he feels a lump in his throat that makes emotional, incredulous tears appear in his eyes again. He sniffs and lets out a quiet breath of laughter, grinning from ear to ear. His heart can be felt racing, hammering in his chest with a rush of joy and excitement despite the terrible circumstances they're in. This could be the most happiest he's felt in a long time, despite them both being in the most awful nightmare, all because he adores this man more than life itself and the man has the courage to tell him the same, finally. He sniffs and leans in, nuzzling his nose just under his cheek to gently tilt his face like a kind, larger animal shifting a smaller one.* I love you too, Bunny.

*He meets his lips and they press together, his own parting slightly and softly to linger against his with a few nuzzling smooches, as his arms squeeze around him with the same strength of push that Edmund presses into him. He doesn't overwhelm him, but he does consume his meekness with affection and adoration, surrounding him with his arms and capturing his lips like a flurry of flowers blooming against his skin. He tilts his head into it and lets out a soft sigh as a tear rolls down his cheek. As he pulls away he gazes into the Warden's eyes, the pair of them both tear-filled over their love for each other and he smiles. He grins and whispers* I love you too.

Warden: *It takes a moment, but when Oncie kisses him his lips respond in kind, his heart beating like a fluttering bird in the cage of his ribs, and his cheeks blooming with more colour. They part just a little bit and brush against him, as slow and earnest as a leaf bending for the sun. He bends with the gentle, primal nudge of his face, and dares to crack open his eyes to gaze up at him. The corners of his mouth weakly pull into a broad smile, all the more quavering but all the happier when they're said to him again.*

*He's so happy to hear those words returned, because even though he's certain of their love, he isn't certain about those words, and there's always a chance that they could magically make everything terrible if he's heard to say them out loud. Oncie's voice, however, is bigger than his is, and it's like he drowns out all the threats and dangers that start to clamour for his mind the moment he says the same thing.*

The Once-ler: *The Once-ler closes his eyes and pulls Edmund under his chin again, he begins pressing repeated kisses into his head and around his face, slowly and softly so he's not overwhelmed, but showering him in love still, and holding him like he's the most valuable thing the Once-ler has ever worked so hard to earn. And then, he rests his cheek on his head, safely tucked under his chin, within the warm comfort of his makeshift covers. They rest in the moment, they can face the world again together tomorrow, right now, all that matters is that they’re back together and nothing will pull the Once-ler’s greatest treasure from his greedy, loving hands.*

Warden: *He closes his eyes as he's tucked under Oncie's chin, his whole body melting against him, relying on him entirely to bear his weight. That is, until Oncie starts to push those gentle kisses into his head and face, his drugged senses reading that movement as he would a flurry of kisses if he were at his best. His feet give a very weak and heavy kick of delight as a breathy, lyrical laugh falls from him, delighted at so much fuss and adoration. The Once-ler came back for him, and that’s the only thing that matters. He's loved, and he loves, and even though everything seems to have gone wrong, and even though the whole world seems to hate him right now, and even though the loud, angry, scary voice in his head would disagree, that love is the only thing that matters.*

[iridiss]

It’s time for part 2 of my in-depth character analysis of Garmau, Laurmau, and Garrance relationship dynamics and development!! Part one is here, and this is a very very long post, just like last time. I am going to go until I hit the image limit of a single tumblr post. With no time to waste, let’s jump straight back into it!

Something that occurred to me after I posted the first part was an idea about Garroth’s decision to create the rule of “any guard that turns into a shadow knight is forced by honor to take his own life the moment he returns from the Nether,” and it’s that I think he did that not out of a lapse of brief, cold heartlessness for Laurance, but out of love. Love for Aphmau, obviously, mainly, but I don’t think Garroth himself thought of something like that as…harsh. I think he genuinely held this shared understanding with Laurance, this assumption of their mutual bond as knights, that he believed he knew Laurance is perfectly well aware of the way this shit goes, this job they’ve pledged their lives to. Laurance’s life is to protect his Lord above all else, Garroth’s life is to protect Aphmau’s at any cost. So of course, if you as a knight have become something so monstrous and bloodthirsty that you are an imminent danger to your own Lord’s life… you either resign, or die. And if someone else was trying to murder their Lord, I imagine the natural thing to do would be to kill that person, so if you eliminate the threat… you save your Lord’s life. Laurance did something incredibly noble by sacrificing himself for Aphmau. That was, effectively, his life’s entire purpose. There’s a sense of being… disposable, as a guard. One that Zenix himself even pointed out and criticized, I believe.

Guards are made to be expendable. It’s the nature of the business. Laurance’s purpose was to give his life to Aphmau. Laurance’s purpose in life was to be expendable. Garroth isn’t purposefully trying to abandon him while he’s being tortured and horrifically broken down to pieces, Garroth highly values the role of a guard and therefore highly values Laurance’s sacrifice, because it is the epitome of the most important thing any guard can ever do in their life. So of course he’s going to make sure Laurance honors that choice. In that way, it’s something twisted and rotten and wrong that a guard would then come back from the dead, especially as an undead threat designed only to kill the very Lord he’s made to protect. To become a Shadow Knight is to become a total inversion of what it means to be a Guard. If any part of the original Laurance still remained inside his heart after his transformation, it only makes sense that his only option remaining would be to take his own life, to sacrifice himself once again to ensure his Lord is safe, it’s not even a matter of how “dark” or “horrific” this may be—it’s just business. And Garroth sees it as that, Garroth sees this as not only incredibly necessary, but as the utmost thing he can do to honor Laurance’s life. He probably thinks Laurance would be relieved to hear about the new rule he’s made, because he trusts he would understand this principle as much as he does. He isn’t casting him out—he’s tenderly taking the last remaining piece of Laurance’s humanity into his hands and sending it back to him like the boat of a funeral pyre. He’s laying him down to rest with a kiss on the head, telling him not to worry anymore. He’s making sure Laurance doesn’t destroy himself in the worst conceivable way possible. He’s trying to save him.

He’s protecting the love of his life, yes, but… he’s protecting Laurance from himself, too. And what relief would it be, to come back in a horrifying bind he struggles to grapple with, struggle to know what to do with or which direction to choose, the old truths or his new instincts as an undead creature—and to realize that he doesn’t need to worry about any of it at all. Because Garroth is there, to build in the safety railing. To create the mattress that cushions his fall. This is the most loving thing Garroth could do for Laurance, in a dilemma like this. To remove the dilemma entirely, and take care of it, take care of his life, take care of their purpose and their Lord, for him. To them, this isn’t something horrific—this is intimate.

Garroth would kill him, if Laurance asked him to. Because Garroth understands what must be done. Because he (believes he) knows what Laurance would want, if he were human again. Where guards like Zenix rebuke their expendability and demand independence and worth of their own, Garroth upholds it as something reverent, something special, something important, something morally good and right and correct that Laurance should adhere to. I wonder how that lesson went, during mentor-and-apprentice training sessions lmao.

…it is still horrifying and fucked up to witness on the outside, though. And Aphmau, who is not a guard, she wasn’t taught any of this. She didn’t have this ingrained in her through years of bootcamp. From her perspective, this is a “WHAT THE FUCK NO!!!! DONT KILL HIM!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM??” moment, because if Laurance has been hurt and is currently in a dire and horrible situation, then naturally the good and kind and right thing to do would be to fucking rescue him. Even if he isn’t human anymore, it doesn’t matter what he is now or how he’s changed, he’s their friend and any good and caring friend would save him. Thats what it means to give a shit about him, to rescue him from his perilous situation and bring him home so they can tend to his wounds and take good care of him. She doesn’t think of him as “his purpose as a soldier,” she thinks of him as a goddamn person who deserves better. There’s a very staunch difference in what Garroth and Aphmau believe to be the definition of highest moral good, what it means to be kind (Lawful vs Neutral moment let’s go), and they clash over this. But in the end, she also knows Garroth as a source of wisdom and rational, responsible knowledge in her life, and he is her bodyguard. He knows best about keeping her safe. She knows, rationally speaking, that there’s a danger to letting an undead monster into her home, it’s like she’s trying to bring a bear into the house just because it’s wounded and she wants to help it, and Garroth is saying to her, “no, don’t fucking do that, it’s our house and that thing will KILL YOU” and she’s conflicted on whether or not she should listen to him. She does for a while, though she consistently keeps trying to bring it up and convince him otherwise. Maybe if they were given enough time before Laurance’s return, she would have reached a point where she said “fuck it” to Garroth’s ideals and gone off on her own to bring Laurance back herself, without Garroth.

That being said, no matter what his beliefs are, its still really fucked up and wrong to try to pressure someone actually kill themself, and Garroth should never be doing that to anyone no matter the reason. Especially if that person is very depressed and in need of help. There are better ways to handle the dangers of effectively having a werewolf/vampire in the house. He should have at least tried to search for alternative means to help Laurance or handle his transformation into a Shadow Knight, and I’m very glad and relieved that continuity-wise, Garroth forgot his own fucking rule once Laurance actually returned. I’m glad we left that as a forgotten part in canon history. It’s fascinating to me how Garroth’s own system of morals justifies this behavior so staunchly in his mind, and it reveals to me more of the inner workings of how he works internally as a Lawful-aligned character, and honestly it’s pretty cool that two of our main characters have such different methods of thinking of morality and the greater good and believing in it wholeheartedly, but oh my god man please never do that again. what a way to reunite with a friend, my god

Anyway, we’ve now reached episode 56, and this is where shit gets real.

So the plan to pretend to be Garroth’s girlfriend didn’t work out so hot. Aphmau keeps having this bad habit of almost getting arrested lmao, this is the second time in S1 where Garroth and Laurance have to step in to save her from getting arrested. It’s also our second ever solid Aphmau/Garroth/Laurance interaction as a trio, to see how they clash and mold and mix with each other once they’re all together as a unit.

I’d like to point out, Garroth is willing to cut his brother to pieces if it means protecting Aphmau. MCD!Garroth doesn’t have anywhere near as much affection for his little brother as he does in Mystreet, in Mystreet he’s much more doting and loving, while in MCD he seems to regard Zane with this disgust, fear, and disdain. He says he’s uncomfortable being in the same village as him, says Zane has always displayed “disgusting” personality traits since long before his father’s corruption, and generally regards him with disgust, contempt, anxiety, discomfort, and terror. Not to say that that’s the only thing MCD!Garroth feels about Zane, but it’s definitely there at the forefront. So I suppose it’s not terribly surprising that if Zane merely talked shit about Aphmau, let alone threatened her very life, he would be a hair away from murdering him in favor of defending his Lord lol. But still, I find it interesting. His family has most certainly moved elsewhere. Zane isn’t his family, not as much as Aphmau and Levin (COUGH and Zoey COUGH) are.

And then Laurance pulls this.

This is so impactful of a shock to Garroth that we even get a dramatic angle shot of him, with all the limited “film equipment” they had at the time. You just know Jess had to break a block right in front of the NPC and get into this one-block-hole so she could get the right angle looking up at him lmao, and then probably had to fill that hole and move back to her spot to continue filming. Maybe she even went into creative mode for it. Teasing lmao

Anyway, I do think this was a smart move on Laurance’s part. He recognizes The High Priest of O’khasis through the commands and speech of the guard and Zane himself, probably realizes “oh shit, HE’S here? Oh fuck, this is really bad,” and keep in mind he has NO CONTEXT for what’s going on!! No one has told him a damn thing about Zane being here, or the fake relationship between Garroth and Aphmau, he has no idea what they’re all talking about, he just knows that O’khasis means really bad news and if he doesn’t act fast, Aphmau will be in some serious trouble, and he may never see her again. And unless he and Garroth had some sort of intimate off-screen conversation before this, this would also be how Laurance finds out in the moment that Garroth is the brother to Prince and High Priest of O’khasis, Zane Ro’meave—and therefore, Garroth is a Prince. Instead of reeling over these realizations and losing his shit, his clever mind comes up with a plan on the spot and starts twisting the fuck out of Zane’s arm to make him leave.

He listens to what Zane is saying, and Zane says that Aphmau was implying that Garroth might have a woman in his life, and Zane assumed that she was talking about herself, but doesn’t have any proof more than speculation, and is using said speculation as grounds for an arrest. Laurance hears this, understands that they don’t actually know if Aphmau is dating anyone, so Laurance calculates taking advantage of that confusion and swoops in with a claim that completely destroys Zane’s entire argument. Aphmau can’t be guilty of espionage, if she’s actually dating Laurance instead, so he pounces.

I don’t think he did this to get some sort of cheap win of “ooooh look at me I got the girl, lemme rub it in Garroth’s face while we’re here, ooh look I’m forcing her to be my fiance all of a sudden without even asking for her consent,” he actually feels really bad for suddenly jumping this on them and likely wishes he could have at least discussed it with them beforehand, but again, no one explained a damn thing to him, and they wouldn’t have expected this to happen anyway. There was no possible preparation for this beforehand, and frankly, he needed the others to believe him too, in order to convince Zane he was telling the truth.

He doubles down hard, acting with complete confidence and cold, determined certainty.

Clever and sly as a fox, he starts blackmailing Zane immediately. Picking apart his arguments to peel back the veneer that Zane’s crafted for himself and reveal the sheer extent of his lies and his own acts of treason underneath, and he uses that to scare Zane into shutting the fuck up. Laurance sees Zane for who he truly is, in the same way Zane sees Laurance for the Shadow Knight he really is. He’s not afraid to call him out on it, saying “hey, you think you have grounds to arrest her? You should remember I have grounds to tear your life apart, you son of a bitch.” And when Zane threatens to destroy Laurance’s life in turn, he says that’s fine, because if it means protecting Aphmau, he has nothing left to lose. He is a Shadow Knight, after all, he’s pretty much lost everything he could’ve held onto before. He lives under a ticking timebomb. There’s nothing Zane can take away from him that he won’t inevitably lose, once his time is up. If Zane wants to destroy him, he’ll fuckin take him down with him.

I love Zane calling him, “you of all people.” They don’t have any history together, he doesn’t know who Laurance is. So I think when he says “you of all people,” he’s referring to Laurance’s identity as a Shadow Knight. Zane may have dirtied his hands with his own demonic magical dealings, but he’s still a High Priest. This is a holy man, and the highest holy man of Ru’auns biggest empire. It’d make sense that he’d look down on Laurance as a Shadow Knight, seeing him as a form of lesser vermin under his superior shoe. Laurance is a demonic creature, and Zane is a holy priest. There’s a hierarchy, a superiority, there between them. I love this moment as Laurance revealing his hand as a demonic creature, meeting this holy man and seeing him for the sinful, filthy beast he really is, and reflecting it back for all to see. He knows what Zane is, he knows all about people like him. “I know a fellow sinner when I see it,” he says to him, “You can’t escape me that easily. You think you’re better than me? I’ll show the world exactly how holy you really are.” It’s the first thing Laurance does as a Shadow Knight, imo. The priest meets his match against the demon who can smell his sins a mile away.

Anyway. Laurance lied when he said he was Aphmau’s fiance, but he was telling the truth when he called her the love of his life, the only light in the dark, the one person he would sacrifice his entire life and well-being for time and time again. In a way, he’s offering up his own neck for the chopping block a second time here. He may be horrifically traumatized by what came of it afterwards, but one thing he’ll never regret is giving up his life for Aphmau, and here he’s insisting he can and WILL do it again and again if it meant keeping her safe. He just got back, and he’s already shoving her out of the way of the bullet and taking the glare of Zane’s rage for himself, putting himself under the blade and offering himself up for the feasting. “Here, you want a bite?” He challenges, “Take one from me. I have nothing left to lose. There’s nothing left for me. I’m expendable, remember? I’m the disposable one. If you want someone to destroy, choose me.”

Boy needs therapy.

He really does love her, though. It seems there was some level of genuine affection that he developed for her in the time where they were barely more than strangers, trying to flirt with some strange maiden he found and getting vehemently rejected at every turn. I don’t know why he would, but it seems it was enough to let his love for her multiply tenfold since his sacrifice.

In his confession earlier, he says he clung to the thought of her as his only solace keeping him sane through his transformation. In doing so, he formed this feeling of dependence upon her that forged as strong as a dog’s love for their master. She has become his definition of comfort.

Zane does a really mean thing by asking Garroth, of all people, if they have his “permission” to get married. (…not that they would ever in a million years need his permission to get married… considering he’s not their dad or a family member or anything, he’s just their friend,,, his opinion would mean nothing and changes nothing… but Zane’s specifically trying to be a jerk here, so)

And Garroth says yes. It takes him a long time to force it out of his lips, though. And I’m wondering if maybe this is purely a moment of circumstance, where he can recognize that Laurance is specifically saving Aphmau’s life in this situation, and if he says no, he fucks everything up. The reason why I feel like he’s forcing himself to say yes due to the circumstance, and not being 100% genuine here, is because in later instances, Garroth does NNNOOOOT take kindly to Aphmau hooking up with other people. Like with his betrayal in the S1 finale, he takes Aphmau kissing Laurance soooo incredibly personally and very very badly. And again later on, when Aphmau tells him she’s pregnant with Aaron’s child, he doesn’t take THAT well EITHER. Garroth, to me, feels like someone who believes Aphmau should be his and his alone, and when someone else interferes with that, holy fucking hell does he have a PROBLEM with it. He doesn’t exactly strike me as the kind of guy who likes to share, I suppose. He’s always been a much more territorial soul than say, Laurance, and especially more so than Aaron. So to me, I see this and I think he is using every single nerve and bone in his body to restrain himself from losing his cool. He is doing everything in his power not to scream or cry or start shouting right now lmao.

He recognizes Laurance is currently trying to save Aphmau’s life, which, again from before, is something that means a lot to Garroth and something he really really admires in Laurance. (it’s kind of the only thing he admires about laurance, actually… at this point in S1, at least.) So there’s this conflict between bringing out and exemplifying the thing he admires most in Laurance and knows he’s very trustworthy and honorable with, but also like. that’s the girl he likes, so he’s upset she’s.. dating someone else or whatever. To be honest, he probably does suspect that Laurance is lying. Because when Laurance dropped the act and admits he’s lying and apologizes, Garroth doesn’t show ANY surprise over it. He says it’s okay, he knows he was just trying to save her life.

He knows they’re not actually getting married. He’s just that upset to even witness or hear anything suggesting the hypothetical that they would. It really does distress him quite a bit. (which will become a problem later……)

This is the beginning of their rivalry/competition over Aphmau, though.

And with the beginning of the actual competition, I’d like to set a disclaimer: I’m a very polyamorous/open person. I do not take the “ship war” bullshit seriously lmao. If you asked me which “side” I’m on, I would say I’m on Aphmau’s side, honestly. The girl is her own individual human being and a person who deserves to have a right to her own autonomy and personal choice, and it is both hilarious and deeply concerning to me that Garroth and Laurance think they have any control or say over who Aphmau chooses to kiss and sleep with. Especially since she’s still single and not actually dating either of them, so she has NO REASON to be “committed” to either of them. Garroth and Laurance are like investors crying over a bidding war for a plot of land, and I do not take their “””heartbreak””” seriously. It is quite literally the definition of a manchild crying over spilled milk to me. Aphmau is her own person whose free will deserves to be respected, not a piece of territory that they can claim ownership of or dictate the decisions of. Garroth and Laurance have literally zero right to get angry or upset with her for romantically choosing someone else, and to do so is not only very dehumanizing/objectifying towards Aphmau, but also just…generally extremely emotionally immature. The correct reaction they both should have had is to congratulate her, say they’re happy for her and her happiness, wish her well, and then just…continue going about their day. And if they did cry about it later, they cry about it very far away from Aphmau and her happy new life and continue to treat her respectfully, appropriately, and professionally the next time they see her. Buuut I also understand that respectful and emotionally mature behavior doesn’t always breed the best drama for a plot, and we are dealing with the Aphverse and its number one favorite kind of drama to write, so it is what it is.

So know that when I assess the ship war as, unfortunately, a pivotal core of the majority of Garmau and Laurmau interactions across the Aphverse, know that im coming from an impartial place who does not favor any side any way. When Aaron gets introduced, this will also apply to him, and I’ll be analyzing his character and Aarmau’s relationship with equal levels of care and respect and fairness (especially since I honestly kinda like Aaron as a character… he’s a really chill and cool guy, once you look past any “cringe factor” of him being a mega buff self-insert character whose the Ultimate Alpha Werewolf and Super Sexy lolol, or any lapse in the writers own personal judgment in regards to whether or not it’s appropriate for a freshman to date a senior ((it’s really really not)). But I’m not here for the writers own lapses and judgments, im here for the character. And I like Aaron Lycan the character, so I wanna give him a fair chance) I like all of them, and I love this series, so I’m not gonna like…favor any side in particular, and if anything, I’m against the competition itself as a whole and im not gonna be afraid to call Garroth and Laurance out on the moments where they’re being total assholes about it. Aphmau deserved better lmao. I’m glad that in Mystreet she got married to the only character in the entire cast who doesn’t actually give a shit about any of this lol, she deserves better than to worry about territorialism bullshit

I do like that their rivalry isn’t really a hostile one, though. Garroth and Laurance don’t make enemies out of each other despite the situation, they actually find a really close bond in each other through it all. They’re not perfect, but they’re kind to each other, and I like that approach. It’s different from a lot of other “love competition” plots I’ve seen, where the men are locked in an embarrassing, perpetual toxic-masculinity-ragefest pissing-on-each-other contest lolol. It cuts in half the potentially debilitating level of second-hand embarrassment I’d get just by watching them, and personally I feel like it’d make more sense for two knights to be chivalrous with one another and honor one another than anything else. So if this is the first note we’re introducing their rivalry on, it’s a wonderful one, and I love this scene as a whole. They can be very adorable sometimes.

Laurance immediately apologizes once Zane leaves them be, like a sweetheart he feels horrible for doing something like that to them so suddenly <3

I love Garroth treating him civilly, he recognizes the situation for what it is, and though I imagine he got quite the upsetting scare that he’s still feeling shaken up by, it’s overpowered by Garroth’s own immense admiration for Laurance’s actions as an honorable knight. He knows he can trust him with Aphmau’s life, he knows that Laurance will take good care of his loved ones and do anything he can to make sure that they’re okay. That’s a big deal, especially since Laurance’s loyalties as a guard would technically belong to Meteli, as its Head Guard. But Laurance’s care and good heart doesn’t apply only to the people under Meteli’s jurisdiction—the people he’s required to guard as part of his job. Phoenix Drop isn’t his business, he would have reason to leave and go back home and not give a shit about Aphmau and her troubles, but he doesn’t. His principles and his heart apply to anyone in need, no matter who they are or where they’re from or who they serve. That’s a true honorable man/knight, someone who does it not just for a job, but because it’s in his nature to tend to everyone in need, no matter what. He’ll always look after you, whether you’re a child of O’khasis or the Lord of Meteli, his heart knows no boundaries. And Garroth sees this in him, sees this on full display that night when he stepped in to save Aphmau—and it’s incredibly important to recognize who he’s standing up to. He’s not only willing to go to blows with a Goddamn Prince Of Motherfucking O’khasis, seeing him for his corruption and not being afraid to defend underdogs in need, even standing up to other fellow guards who chose their greed and pride over doing good by serving Zane (contrasting Laurance’s choices), but he’s willing to confront Zane Ro’meave, Garroth’s brother. He is, unintentionally, in a way, defending Garroth as well, from his abusive family members. Zane is hellbent on hurting Garroth by taking Aphmau away (thus ensuring Garroth would come with him and return to O’khasis), and Laurance stops that shit from happening.

It’s unspoken, but in this scene, he’s protecting Garroth as much as he’s protecting Aphmau. He just saved both of their asses. And I feel like that would mean a lot to Garroth, to see Laurance stand up to his terrifying, overpowered family in order to protect Garroth and his loved ones, putting his own neck on the line despite the massive risk, despite how much power and money he could gain if he followed in the other, corrupt guards’ footsteps and chose to defend Zane instead. It must feel incredibly cathartic and even emotional for Garroth, to see someone defend him from his family with all the strength and bravery and balls he doesn’t have to stand up to Zane himself—and also have the incredible wits enough to make it work!!! This is an incredible and miraculous feat Laurance has just pulled off here!!! He outsmarted Zane Ro’meave!!! Made the High Priest of O’khasis run for the hills with his tail between his legs!! Laurance would, without question, stand up to your bullies and defend the underdog no matter what, and he would WIN <3

Ironically enough, if there’s any moment where Garroth would decide that Laurance is a keeper, I think this scene would make a pretty damn good contender.

Which I think is why Garroth doesn’t get angry with him for this. He’s not happy at all that Laurance would claim to be Aphmau’s fiancé, even if he knew for certain that he was blowing smoke, but everything else about this scenario overpowers that anger/upset, so he chooses to be civil and gracious instead. He‘s feeling the brunt of a bruised heart and ego, yes, but he also came out of this with the knowledge that he could most certainly trust Laurance with both his and Aphmau’s lives.

Which would probably throw some conflicted feelings into the mix of the whole “Laurance is a shadow knight designed to murder the mother of my son” thing lmao.

Also I love to picture Garroth looking like he’s on the edge of tears here, and Laurance internally thinking to himself throughout the entire confrontation “shit fuck damn it Garroth im so sorry im so sorry DONT BELIEVE ME YOU DUMBASS IM SO SORRY MAN AAAUUUUGH” and then apologizing to him so earnestly once Zane left, trying to console him because he knows what a dick move doing that to his crush in front of him would be and he feels SO BAD. And meanwhile Garroth sniffles and says “it’s okay, really, it’s fine… you saved her life, I can’t thank you enough…” and Laurance gives him a hug

Garroth wanting to hurt, maim, or potentially even kill his own brother because he threatened and insulted Aphmau. Wanting him to just disappear, to go away, to get rid of him or scare him off somehow. Their relationship is significantly worse in MCD than it is in Mystreet.

chat I love them so much <3 Laurance flirting with Aphmau purely just to taunt her and be a teasing little shit, Garroth laughing along and teasing Aphmau alongside him, so Aphmau turns the tables to tease Laurance by saying she’s gonna make Cadenza dye his hair blue next time, and Garroth backing her up by saying it already is blue. There’s a beat between Laurance’s “WHAT?!” And “YOU GUYS ARE JERKS!” So I can’t help but imagine he uses that beat to reflexively take his hair and try to check what color it is, only to realize he can’t fuckin’ see and that’s why they’re saying it’s blue to tease him back, and then he calls them jerks for it lmao. Garroth and Aphmau laugh, and then Aphmau drags them both back to the party to dance and have fun together as a trio for the rest of the night.

GUYS THEY’RE BESTIES NOW!!! THEY’RE BESTIES TOGETHER!! THE THREE MUSKETEERS!! Laurmau, Garrance, and Garmau work really well as individual pairs, but when they’re together as a trio is when they start to really shine and boost each other up in their happiness. I love the teasing and mischief and chaos that naturally blooms between the three of them when they feel comfortable and relaxed with each other, it heavily contrasts the strict, sterile professionalism they normally have to keep up for the sake of their jobs and their safety and gives them this real sense of…being human, together. In those moments, they’re not “knights doing their job” or a lord trying to maintain order, they’re dumb young adults playing and fucking around and enjoying the time they have together—especially in a world where time is, often, cut short. No wars, no politics, not even much about their inner competition. Just them, as they truly act when they’re at their happiest and most comfortable, embracing the time they have together. A family.

Garroth cuts loose his usual shy, strict, closed off exterior and goofs off, something that’d normally be very rare if not at all possible to witness with the man, if it wasn’t for Aphmau and Laurance bringing out his more snarky, playful side. Laurance continues to be a flirtatious tease, but this time it’s not because he wants something out of Aphmau, it’s because he’s being a dork who’s trying to be funny and stupid and silly to make her or Garroth laugh. He’s taunting her. It’s much more light-hearted and genuine and sincere than the “fuckboy” style flirting he was keeping up earlier, and I think that’s why it works better with Aphmau. Because it’s coming from an entirely different place. It’s not spoken with the intent of “I wanna get something out of you ;)” (which makes her uncomfortable) it’s spoken with the intent of two best friends taunting and teasing each other back and forth in order to have fun and be little shits to each other and ultimately make the other laugh. And that, Aphmau most CERTAINLY can get behind.

Something I like to notice in MCD!Aphmau is that all Aphmaus, in every universe, have a very core personality trait of “playful.” They’re mischievous, they’re chaotic, they cause trouble, they tease others, they love puns, they’re always the first to start laughing and the loudest to laugh. But most Aphmaus have some sort of variation in the specifics of how that playful core nature manifests. Like, Void Paradox Aphmau might veer a little more likely to literally set herself on fire if she thinks her hypothesis will work, but Mystreet!Aphmau has a liiiittle bit of a stronger fear of death lmao. MCD!Aphmau is the least playful out of all the Aphmaus, due to circumstance. When you’re in the middle of a war and spending every day slaving away at your unrelenting job trying to make sure everyone you love and care for doesn’t get literally fucking murdered in the next week, and if they do it’s your fault as a leader—you kinda end up not having as bright and bubbly of a spirit on main anymore! MCD!Aphmau is also one of the oldest Aphmaus in terms of meta, real-world time. MCD came before Mystreet and its more light-hearted tone, and it came well before the extreme tone shift of Cocomau/Aphmau SMP content. The difference between the original Diaries Aphmau and Cocomau Aphmau is very night and day.

MCD!Aphmau is the most emotionally mature. She’s more serious, more stern, more cautious, more depressed and anxious and traumatized and stressed out, she’s more jaded, she forms trust issues that struggle against her constant desire to be forgiving, she’s a military leader, she’s constantly locked in violent combat where she fights for her life on the regular against a myriad of foes constantly trying to kill her, she creates battle plans and military strategies and political tactics and allegiances with other nations. One of the things war forces its newest soldiers to do is to grow up. And as MCD progresses, you can see the gradually increasing toll it takes on her. S2 Aphmau carries herself with a much more emotionally scarred and stressed out demeanor than she did at the beginning of S1, and by S3, she’s seen the love of her life die. She’s lost too much to be…bubbly, silly, air-headed, clumsy Aphmau anymore.

So to have someone in her life that can bring out the more innocent heart buried deep inside her… It’s fucking beautiful. To remind her of who she used to be, to put a smile on her face in a time of dire trauma and depression, to make her laugh and stop worrying about the world for just a moment… To bring back to the surface the kind of Aphmau we see in Mystreet, and make her feel free… She needs her boys. She really, really does. She depends on them more than they depend on her. Her boys are her soft place to land, her grounding comfort, who make her feel human again and keep her from losing herself in it all. They keep her afloat. Especially Laurance, whose number one gift is laughter. He may be clever, or brave, or resilient, or doggedly loyal, but by far, Laurance’s greatest strength and greatest asset is his ability to bring laughter. Joy and whimsy and innocence and love that comforts above all else. For someone who struggles so much to find his own sense of humanity, he sure is good at bringing out everyone else’s humanity. I’d kill to have someone like that be by my side during my darkest hour.

Their happy, carefree moments are so rare in this series. It’s always a treasure to find them.

They’ve grown a bond now, but it’s not easy knowing that Laurance is still a monster of the undead. Garroth feels conflicted now, when previously he was utterly resolved in his determination to make sure Laurance, as a Shadow Knight, stayed away from Aphmau and their town, now he knows and likes and admires Laurance as a person. Now he doesn’t know what to do. He’s terrified of the possibility that Laurance could turn at any moment and attack them, he’s much more scared of it than Aphmau is. He trusts Laurance the person with their lives, but Laurance the Shadow Knight…

Meanwhile, Aphmau does not give a shit lmao. Garroth confides in her that he’s scared Laurance might actually kill her, and Aphmau’s like “lmao is this because ur jealous he got to flirt with me last night and u didn’t” and teases him for it. Girl is NOT worried at ALL. (even though it’s her life on the line…) It’s almost like it doesn’t fully click in her mind that this man, one of her closest allies, the man she plays and jokes around with so easily even now, he will be the one to draw her blood. She’s playing with the wolves, as their number one prey, with the number one predator chosen to devour her and her specifically, with the carnivorous beast that craves nothing but her and her blood, his only desire for the feasting, and she just…has no fear. Not really, not deeply, not truly. Not like Garroth does. Maybe as the cat curling up on the crocodile tongue, it still exists in her mind the possibility that those jaws could snap down on her at any time. But she knows Laurance, she trusts Laurance, she knows he won’t. He holds her life in his hands, and she trusts him so much to feel completely comfortable with how he holds her. His jaws could hold themselves over her throat, and she wouldn’t begin to sweat. She still holds on tight to him. She’s the one who feels in control, despite all the odds. She knows he’s not going to hurt her, not like this. She knows he’s tamed. So of course she teases Garroth, taunts him for his concerns.

(aphmau likes her boys to be a lil,,, a little monstrous <3 …… a lil bit deadly, a little bit inhuman…… lil bit a fangs, little bit a claws… monsterfucker aphmau real…… ily monsterfucker aphmau……)

Laurance is currently reveling in the joy and relief of being out of the Nether, recovering his sight, he’s starting to get his old self back. So he plays along with their banter, laughing and having the time of his life. He doesn’t feel like much of a Shadow Knight right now. But he does take Garroth’s concerns seriously, seriously enough to offer to leave Phoenix Drop completely if he starts to really scare them. The weight of this offers kinda glossed over in canon, but like…I want to bring your attention to how heartbreaking that’d be. Aphmau is his number one comfort person, the love of his life, the light in his darkness, the woman that makes him feel human, the close friend that brings out his truest self and holds him dear. He’s offering to give all of that up, everything that makes him happy, everything that makes him feel human, if they would feel safer and more comfortable living without him in their lives. I can only imagine how quickly he would make a dramatic turn for the worst if he did actually leave Phoenix Drop like this, how fast he would deteriorate, the deep depression he would be allowing himself to slip into, all to make them happy. He would give up everything, if it meant they would be happier without him. Guys I want to cry.

AND HE SAYS “It’s just nice to have a place to call home.” GUYS!!!!!!! AAAUAUAUAUUUGUGUGHG HH!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS ?!?????? He has Meteli, doesn’t he? If he still considered Meteli a home he could return to, why the fuck would he talk like he DOESNT HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO ANYMORE—!!-!!!!!!!

Joh was murdered by Sasha, a Shadow Knight. Hayden and Cadenza were both kidnapped by a Shadow Knight. He has, quite literally, become the very same thing that has broken and traumatized his family the most. He resigned as the Head Guard of Meteli after his return from the Nether. It would make a whole lot of sense if Laurance chose to withdraw himself from Meteli, his hometown, and his only-surviving father, in an effort to protect them. Do you think Hayden even knows? Do you think Hayden was told that his son figure was lost to the Nether? Do you think anyone told him? I don’t think Cadenza or Hayden know that he’s a Shadow Knight now—the very thing that murdered his other dad. Do you think Laurance chose to leave his home behind, in an effort to conceal the horrible truth and protect them too? Do you think he resigned as the Head Guard of Meteli because he doesn’t trust himself to protect Hayden, because if he was already incapable of protecting Joh before, how bad do you think it’d be now that he’s the same breed as his killer? Do you think he believes he wouldn’t be fit to be the Head Guard of a town already so traumatized and scarred by Shadow Knights in its past? That he doesn’t belong there anymore? How traumatic would that be for him? To become his own worst nightmare? To let go of his own hometown, to let go of his family in a way, to keep the truth from them, because he knows how they would react if they found out what he had become? Do you think he believes they wouldn’t trust him anymore? Wouldn’t think so highly of him anymore? Do you think he thinks of telling Cadenza the truth, sometimes? How she would react, if she knew?

He doesn’t consider Meteli a home he can return to anymore. Phoenix Drop is the only place he can stay, with the only two people who know the truth and are still willing to keep him around. So if he left PD, he would become a homeless wanderer, with nowhere to stay, no one to trust, nowhere to go. He really wouldn’t have anything left. So Laurance does everything he can now to help out around the village and help Garroth with his work, likely to prove that he’s worth keeping around and to make up for any loss that his new identity may cause. Aaaoouguhhuhhhhhghhh gguhhuhhhhhgggggggggggg

ALSO!!! LAURANCE IS PLAYING WITH HER SON!!! LAURDAD!!! LAURDAD!!!!!! EVERYONE TURN ON THE ALARM BELLS, WE HAVE DAD LAURANCE BEING ADORABLE!!!!!!!

With all of that said, don’t get too attached to all the gutpunching goodness of these episodes’ moments, because we’re about to cover the most fucking hilarious and utterly embarrassing Garmau/Laurmau moment in the entire series. To me, at least.

That’s right, we’ve reached the “witnessing your WORST FEARS!!” episode. And this is Garroth and Laurance’s worst fear, right here.

Excuse my burning, autistic passion for a moment: LOOK AT THESE LOSERS!!! LOOK AT THESE UTTER DUMBASSES!!! LOOK AT HOW THEY SUCK ASS!!!!! They’re so embarrassing to witness I want to SCREAM. I want to tear them to pieces with my teeth like a dog upon a chew toy, LOOK AT HOW FUCKING STUPID THEY ARE!!! This is the lowest point Garroth and Laurance’s intelligence has EVER hit (thus far) and to me, honest to god, it’d be less embarrassing if they pissed themselves. What fuckin’ losers. I’m so unreasonably peeved by their idiocy (says the person writing 10,000 words of yapping about everything these fuckin Lego blocks do and think and say………)

But seriously you honest to god could not make me believe that “aphmau kissing a stranger they’ve never met” is the worst fear of both Garroth and Laurance. Bullshit. I call absolute fuckin bullshit. I REFUSE to believe that, fuck that shit. Do you have any idea what these bitches have been through???? Laurance witnessed his own father figure be horrifically MURDERED in front of his very eyes, when it was HIS JOB AND SOLE RESPONSIBILITY to make sure he stayed alive, and he FAILED. Not only that, his father figure was murdered by his own and only BESTEST FRIEND, after he WATCHED HER BURN ALIVE IN A POOL OF LAVA, and then he returned to the very same realm he watched her die in, gave up his LIFE to SLOWLY DIE IN A HORRIFICALLY TRAUMATIC PROCESS OF PHYSICAL TORTURE AND UNGODLY LEVELS OF PAIN that gave him SEVERE PTSD in the very same realm that she died in, only to become the SAME EXACT BREED OF MONSTER THAT HE WATCHED KILL HIS FATHER, and forever be faced with the reality of INEVITABLY FOLLOWING IN HER FOOTSTEPS AND REPEATING THE SAME CRIME BY MURDERING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE!!!!!

AND GARROTH???? OHOHO THIS BITCH AINT FREE EITHER!!!! Garroth was raised in a highly dysfunctional, possibly even abusive household with a vicious and cruel father that looms over his life and legacy like the world’s most mortifying shadow of every expectation he COULDN’T MEET because he was so goddamn upset and scared and disturbed by the ways his father tried to remove his personal agency and consent (by marrying someone he didn’t want to, entering a romantic, possibly physical relationship he did not consent to) that he faked his OWN DEATH to RUN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY, only to be rendered incapable of meeting the expectations and hopes of all the people in Phoenix Drop, too. He disappoints them like he disappoints everyone, and everything goes wrong because it’s his fault, and he never stops feeling guilty for his own cowardice or his loving heart that can’t see people’s true corruptions until it’s too late, he loathes himself for every sin that he carries upon his shoulders. Even if it’d be personally reasonable that he didn’t know, or he was only trying to take care of himself in a dire moment of need, etc. He’s lost his brothers, he’s lost Zenix, who he still terribly mourns to this day. He still believes in Zenix, he still grieves losing him, this monster he believes he created. He watched Phoenix Drop burn, because of Zenix, because of him. He thought he was safe, before Zane came around, before his only place of safety and security away from his mortifying family was completely breached and torn wide open by his ravenous brother, hunting him down like a bloodhound upon rabbits, there’s nowhere safe for him to hide anymore. He’s not safe from his family, no matter how far he tries to run, how much he tries to hide. He’s not safe from Zane taking everything away from him just for the kicks and giggles of it, he’s not safe from his father taking away his life and his personhood, he’s not safe from his legacy or his ever-looming shadow, he’s not safe from his sins, from the shadow of Lord Malik, from the weight of Zenix upon his shoulders, from losing his mommy, from losing Vylad… Garroth lives in a perpetual state of seeing his world, his safety, his security, crumble to dust all around him. Garroth lives in fear. Garroth lives in shame. Garroth can’t stop running, no matter how close the hounds get to snapping at his hooves, Garroth can’t stop hiding, no matter how many times his family pries open his security measures and breaks down his walls and invades every last space they weren’t allowed to open up. He belongs to his father and his wicked throne. The noose never stops looming, never stops closing tighter and tighter around his throat, no matter how hard he thrashes or struggles—or straight up just…gives up. His family tells him he means nothing, that he should be ashamed, that he’s stupid and worthless and only good for continuing the monarchy, and he believes them.

Garroth and Laurance’s “worst fear” would never be “aphmau kissing another man,” and in comparison to everything else we know about their character arcs by this point, the sheer childish, shallow pettiness of this choice feels like someone spitting on everything else these boys have been through. Not to mention the fact that we’re toeing the line of toxic, territorial heteronormative bullshit and toxically possessive behavior with shit like this. Genuinely it is not okay in any degree for Laurance or Garroth to actually attack and try to physically or violently harm anyone Aphmau wants to hook up with, especially since she is single and can date whoever she pleases, and they have zero ownership over her, nor do they deserve ANY control over her love life just because they like her. Thats fucked up, man. If this were actually really happening and Aphmau really did want to kiss Dante, and Laurance and Garroth tried to fucking maim him for it, Aphmau would have every right to fire them and kick them out of her guard. She would have every right and frankly should kick them to the curb for ever even attempting such a thing. What the fuck.

And on slightly more analysis-based terms, I believe Aphmau’s presence in their lives does make up an aspect of their overarching tapestry of trauma and fear and concerns and thoughts. If you put them through a nightmare sequence that covered all of their worst fears, I believe she should definitely make an appearance! But not like this. Not in the context of “ohh what if she romantically gets with someone else,” bro wtf they’ve got SOOOOO much bigger fish on their plates to worry about rn wtf. How about “I hope Zane doesn’t try to execute the love of my life and take me away from my son,” huh? What about “I hope I don’t worsen my greatest failure tenfold by becoming the exact same as my father’s murderer, even though im struggling against the inevitable explosion of a timebomb destroying everything I hold dear all over again”? How about you start worrying about the actual war looming on the horizon, instead of childish middle school drama bullshit? How about you start worrying about who you might watch die in the next coming months? You’ve got a son being hunted for his blood by monsters beyond all human strength and power, one of them being your own little brother/son figure who you love more than life and dearly miss and mourn despite his ultimate betrayal, and you’re worrying about your crush? What are you, 13 years old?

Anyway. Taking deep breaths now. Drinking a nice cup of tea like Zoey Taltatheil would want me to. I love this series with a very strong fiery passion, so like. If ever I go off about Garroth and Laurance’s worst actions or certain writing decisions, know that im not like,,, talking shit, especially not just for the sake of talking shit, yknow? I see so, sooo much infinite worlds of potential for these characters, so much so that I need to write thousands and thousands of words about them on a regular basis just to get the magnitude of how much they mean to me out of my chest, or else I explode lmao. So know I’m coming from a place of love with all of this, I say this because I love these characters and I love these stories and I want the best for them above all else. They truly are something beautiful, and a pivotal piece of my life, I’d give anything to these guys, and I don’t wanna be perceived as like… a negative person or harsh or anything like that whenever their…more dubious moments get me all fired up. But with all of that out of my system, back to legitimate character analysis, because this scene does actually have some interesting pieces I’d like to unpack as well:

Putting aside whether or not they should be reacting like this at all, I want to bring attention to how drastically different their reactions are, and how that’s used to contrast the two and their core personalities/demeanors. We’re also getting into how this arc is kind of the first time we see how Laurance’s transformation starts effecting him. So it’s very likely his anger is being heightened by his SK transformation, as it does for him later in this same arc when he argues with Garroth. But this exemplifies how, to me, Laurance is a lot like fire, and Garroth is a lot like water. Laurance’s anger is explosive, he’s shouting and screaming violent threats while Garroth stands in horror, speaking in quiet, broken up, whimpering, wounded phrases, barely anything at all. Where Garroth draws quiet and pulls away in his hurt, Laurance snarls and screams and explodes outwards, kicking and fighting against whatever bind you put him in. Maybe his SK side invents this in him, or perhaps it simply exemplifies and draws out an inherent character trait of how Laurance handles his temper, whenever it spikes.

That’s not to say that Garroth is incapable of reaching a high temper and shouting at people as well, he often does! But genuinely it feels like the dynamics of fire and water to me when he does. Like during his betrayal in S1’s finale, Garroth gets angry, but he handles his anger by withdrawing. Stepping back, turning quiet and reserved and cold. Backhanded, passive aggressive, still snarky, but not in the quippy, clever way that Laurance is. He feels like ice, cold and sharp and potent and deadly. While Laurance seethes, he blisters with his grudges and his grumblings under his breath and the sour glares he burns into your soul, only to shout at you once you poke his temper like a bear and a stick. Where Garroth is quiet, Laurance is loud, where Garroth is a sharp, singular, calculated point digging where he knows it’ll hurt the most, Laurance is an explosion that burns up everything around him in his vicinity, destroying his life piece by piece without much care for all the people it hurts when he finally blows up, all the people he pushes away at once. It’s present in the ways they act when they’re at their complete worst, but it’s also present in how they act when they’re at their best: The spark of laughter, the kindling of a warm and happy home. The comfort in the quiet stillness of a lake, in the gentle lapping of ocean waves by the shore.

(my god they got the red and blue homosexuals …… bro the fire/water red/blue elemental theming…… bro it’s everywhere……)

There’s also something fascinating to note about how it’s like… maybe this is just on Laurance’s side of things, maybe it’s both of them, but it’s like the competition for “who gets to be Aphmau’s lover” only extends to Garroth and Laurance in these two’s minds. Like, to them, they see each other as the only exceptions. Because there’s a contrast in their behaviors when it’s each other “succeeding” vs watching someone else, unrelated to their personal rivalry, “succeeding.” Garroth kisses Aphmau in a dream, and Laurance’s reaction is to teasingly say, “Hey, do you think if I showed up in his dreams, he’d be so excited to see me again that he’d kiss me too?” But Laurance watches Dante almost kiss Aphmau, and he loses his shit. Like it’s fair game for Garroth, his close friend and fellow rival, to kiss Aphmau, but once someone else he’s never seen before starts to “get in on it” so to speak, he’s FURIOUS. I wonder if that factors into why Laurance and Garroth dislike Aaron so much later on. Because he’s technically “”winning the game”” (i really don’t like referring to Aphmau like she’s a “game/prize” to be “won” and not like. a person, just making decisions. but like this is what exists in their heads and i gotta communicate how these boys think somehow) but he’s not been like… officially sworn into the match lmao. He’s an outsider, I guess. Either that, or it’s a matter of how familiar Laurance is with Garroth that he trusts him to be able to take good care of Aphmau and love her properly, so his protective nature doesn’t really extend to Garroth as a “potential threat,” but he hugely distrusts everyone else he doesn’t really know, so he doesn’t trust them to take good care of Aphmau, and therefore gets much more riled up about it. Just overall he has a much greater distaste and distrustful, angry and violent contempt for people he doesn’t personally know and trust trying to date Aphmau, a possessive/overprotective contempt that doesn’t apply to, say, Garroth, for some reason. Garroth doesn’t have this internal phenomenon as much, he’d still be like. Incredibly bothered if Laurance kissed Aphmau, this doesn’t apply to Garroth anywhere near as much as it does for Laurance, Garroth just doesn’t want anyone else “winning” her heart in general

To touch on what I mentioned with Aphmau being an aspect of Garroth and Laurance’s Concerns TapestryTM I think of Aphmau as representing something important to them in their lives. For Garroth, Aphmau is all the love that he never got growing up. For Laurance, she’s his humanity, his keystone of truth and sincerity and what it means to feel safe, to feel like yourself. She’s the guiding beacon back home. So if Laurance lost her, like say through murder or death or someone else taking her away or what have you, he’d be losing his only lighthouse of where to go in a world shrouded with darkness. Without her, he becomes lost, wandering through the shadowed and foggy wastes in his mind, slowly losing himself more and more and becoming everything he fears the most. He loses his humanity, he loses himself, he loses his heart, he loses all the love in his life that she (and his family + Garroth) brings. He needs her in the way a drowning man clings onto a rock, in the way a ship needs its lighthouse on the stormy, cloudy nights.

For Garroth… There’s a reason why im going on a character analysis journey, because I genuinely don’t know him as well as I know Laurance. He’s a big fan of keeping his true thoughts and feelings smothered wayyyy down out of sight, so it’s a lot harder for me to read what Aphmau means to Garroth on a real, complex, multi-faceted level. Beyond the simplicity of just a surface-level “oh he loves her.” Why does he love her? What, specifically, does he love about her, and what does he dislike? What kind of influence does she represent and cause in his life? Is she what home feels like to him? Is she the ideal form of the wife, the love, the family, he’s always wanted, but could never find in O’khasis? Is she the physical embodiment of the very reason why he left Nicole? When he looks at Nicole (later on), does he see Aphmau in her and think of an alternate timeline where those pieces were all he clung to to try to find solace in justifying that this arraigned marriage was okay? Or does he see a void in every way Nicole is vastly different from her and realize just how deeply unhappy he would have been, in every way they would have clashed as a couple, and everything he would yearn for that she could not give him? Is he disturbed by the differences, or relieved by them? Did he always wish and yearn for someone like Aphmau to love him, or did he rebuke the very idea of love growing up? Is this the first time it’s ever pounced upon him, startling him out of the blue? Does he struggle against its pull, in his mind? Does he think of all the ways that this would be a terrible idea, for someone to love him now, or does he put it on a pedestal? Is he so completely consumed by the appeal of being loved, that he doesn’t actually know what a relationship looks like? Does he refuse to believe that a being as wonderful as Aphmau would ever love something as disgusting as him? Is that why he kept quiet for so long? Is that why it stung so badly when the idea in his head that Aphmau could never be his, would never want to belong to something so foul and flawed and hideous, comes true? (in his personal perception, I mean, of the illusion of laurance kissing her in the woods)

Is she security, to him? Or is she the feeling of the thrill, of dangers unseen? Is she safety, or is she the terror of everything he’s scared to lose? Is she his master, of any kind? His leader, the one who paves the path that a measly dog like him can only follow? How much does he dedicate himself to her as an utter servant, bent to every beautiful and illustrious word she could ever say—or does he wish to control her himself? How he wants her to be his, and only his, does he want to claim her, mark her, forever emblazon her as his own claimed territory, an extension of his pride? Is there a vicious and cruel leader that lives on in him, that demands ownership of all he sees, that’s greedier and pettier and more prideful and wicked than he would like to admit, and he’s terrified of ever awakening it? Is that why he stays so quiet, why he draws away from others, why he keeps them at arms length and refuses to open up too much? Why he refuses to ever become a leader of anything—because he knows what he would be summoning if he did? The knowledge that, in truth, he has the potential to not only capture Garte’s legacy, but take it to new and terrible sights no one could ever imagine? Do you think it scares him? Do you think he’s desperate to never become the man he could be, and yet it gets drawn out of him anyway? In his pettiest moments, when the worst of him gets dragged out by the most insulting of circumstance, when his ego is bruised enough, it comes out anyway and he embraces it in the meanest way he can, in all his blinding rage and his stubbornly bleeding pride?

Do you think Aphmau is his guide through the dark, in a very similar way to Laurance, in all the ways she influences him to be better, to be kinder, to be more merciful and forgiving instead of strict, to have empathy beyond his warped moral code, in the ways she encapsulates everything he wishes, desperately, he could become instead? And when he rejects her, he strides strong and direct into the dark, to become the worst version of himself, to dominate and control, to turn to higher ambitions (joining the jury of nine) and closer to the throne than ever before, to embrace his dark role in the family unit, his powerful role in the family unit—do you think he and Laurance are opposites, in that way? Why Laurance had to be the reminder of empathy and heart and forgiveness and mercy, to find him in the dark and drag him back to what’s real, as opposed to what’s right?

I don’t think of canon MCD!Garroth as some woobified ditsy adorable golden retriever boy, like what he,,quite literally becomes in mystreet lmao. I used to, but then I started my rewatch and realizing a lot of his behaviors and decisions in the canon series are not actually that “Boy Scout” of him? And in my personal opinion, he feels a lot closer to having potential of becoming a mean and gritty villain in a slightly different timeline than having any sort of potential for being a,,,cute, innocent, “oh no so saddd :((“ golden retriever prettyboy with a heart of gold. My man does not have a heart of gold, and I will die by that. He has a heart of fiercely believing what he thinks is right, and valuing that + his pride over things like empathy and love. He’s a man of his own personal law, not a man of sweet adorable innocence. He’s not your pookie, he’s one hell of a bitch.

He’s most of the reason why im going through the whole series to create a perfect, detailed tapestry of every way Garroth speaks, thinks, ticks, moves, feels, what he believes, what his morals are, where he aligns himself, his best and worst personality traits, why he’s loved by others and why he loves Aphmau in the first place, why he turns on her, how he feels about Zane, whether or not he values his pride above anything else, including love and care and empathy for others. I understand Laurance and Aaron like the back of my hand, but Garroth? Not so much. I’m always guessing with this man. So like… at this point in my research, the data is unclear. I’ll get back to the question of, “What does Aphmau mean to Garroth exactly? What would it mean for him to lose her?” when I figure out the rest lmao

Plus, it’s a little harder to approach the question of “what would it mean for him to lose her” when it comes to Garroth specifically, because he like. totally throws her to the wolves later, he kicks her ass to the CURB lmao, so like- whatever he gets in losing her, it’s clearly not terrifying or dire enough for him to actually give a shit about keeping her around when his ego gets tested lmao

(It’s also harder for me to understand MCD!Aphmau as a character, so im also going down this character analysis journey for her sake as well, but anyway)

Aphmau, surprisingly, isn’t really phased at all by what she just witnessed, in terms of seeing her boys react so embarrassingly. To be fair, she is the author, so if their reactions are ethically fine to Jess, then they’d be ethically fine to Aphmau, and I fully think that’s why. But there’s also the fact that she’s not really having any reaction at all in general, she doesn’t talk to the boys about it, she doesn’t confront them about it, she doesn’t check on them to ask what that was about and if they’re okay, and I think that’s because, narratively, this scene isn’t intended by design to leave much of an impact on Aphmau personally. Most of them aren’t. Sometimes MCD!Aphmau is a character more than anything else, but a lot of the time she functions as little more than a walking camera for the audience. That scene wasn’t designed to leave a lasting emotional impact on Aphmau as a character, as a complicated, in-depth person, that scene was designed to allow the audience to watch a juicy moment of drama where we get to see the boys witness their “worst fear!!!” and get mega jealous. If I were to come up with how Aphmau would be feeling about her boys’ reaction to the illusion, I would probably be extrapolating into the land of variable subjective headcanon and, to a degree, starting to make shit up. Which is what I mean about how she’s harder to read as a character because she’s more of a vessel than anything else, half of the time. She’s a camera for her YouTube audience to see what she’s written, and she’s the author reacting to dialogue and events as if she were immersed in the world, but throughout S1, Aphmau’s not really fully a character yet. I think S2, when we drop the video cam in the corner and treat her more like a narrative pov instead of a YT streamer’s camera, is when her personality starts to get a lot more fleshed out and she starts reacting to things and being impacted by things more properly.

In a way, you could use that as fuel to write an arc for her that’s based on the concept of what makes us a person. In others eyes (Irene correlation), in our loved ones’ eyes (with all the general objectification done by Garroth and Laurance if you’re keeping that in), and in our own.

Anyway, Aphmau does something super sweet and adopts Malachi as her own. New son gained! Where the others see a dangerous and unpredictable threat, Aphmau sees a child playing with things it doesn’t have the emotional maturity/capacity to understand. This proves her high empathy, forgiving nature, and,,,uh. maternal instincts, probably.

I do love Laurance calming the fuck down to see this from a more empathetic perspective as well. He says he’s an orphan too (he’ll be a 2x orphan after the timeskip🔪) so he can’t help but sympathize with the little lad. He reacted the most violently to the illusion, but he’s also the quickest to open up to the idea of Malachi being his new baby, so,,, I. I dunno. Hey I’ll take a Laurdad moment wherever I can get one lmao

It’s sweet that he’s at least trying to do the same thing Garroth did when he found out Aphmau would be taking in a kid to raise as her own. He wants to make sure she isn’t handling it alone, that he shares some of the burden and helps her out, supports her in this responsibility and journey.

Lmao i feel bad for Dante. What a way to make a first impression on your newest little friend lmao. “Welcome to the guard!!! (WE WILL BOTH PERSONALLY EVISCERATE YOU AND TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB IF YOU EVER SO MUCH AS THINK OF ROMANTICALLY PURSUING OUR CRUSH. ONE WRONG MOVE AND WE’LL FUCKING KILL YOU)”

also right after Aphmau and Dante get down from their position up above witnessing Laurance and Garroth’s fear responses, Dante tells Aphmau, “Aphmau, that child is a spectre! get away from it, be careful!!!” and Laurance retorts to him with a “SHE can do WHATEVER she WANTS, EXCUSE YOU”

and i can’t help but like… laugh at that, coming from laurance lmao. like. i know it’s related specifically to handling the ghost and he’s just being snarky here, but. laurance my guy you are the exact reason why she can’t do whatever she wants. like you and Garroth are single-handedly the number one reason why Aphmau actually isn’t allowed to do “whatever she wants” with her life and her choices. like you just barely proved that pretty damn strongly lmao. if there’s any way Aphmau is being unreasonably restricted from being free to do whatever she wants with her life, it is like. most certainly your own fault my guy

I have literally drawn this moment because of how much it means to me. It is the banner for my profile, as of writing this. I fucking love Laurdad. I do like that the boys kinda have their own favorite kid that looks like them, Garroth has Levin as his number one favorite son with the blonde hair and blue eyes, and Laurance has Malachi as his favorite son, and though i know Mal looks a lot more like Vylad than anything else, I think he’s based on Laurance in the same way Levin is obviously based on Garroth. He has brown hair like Laur, and though he has green eyes and currently Laur has blue, he used to have bright green eyes before the Nether. And if the orange was hair dye, then that means Laurance’s natural, unaltered appearance would be brown hair with green eyes. Just like Mal. Not to mention the fact that Malachi and Laurance also share an orphaned past and a life bound by the supernatural, creepy, and even disturbing undead. Of course Laurance “The Doomed One & Our Vampire Allegory” Zvahl’s kid would be the creepy undead one <3

This move also integrates Laurance solidly into Aphmau’s family unit. Previously, he could have just been seen as Levin’s occasional babysitter, or an uncle figure, but now he is solidly one of the dads. And with it, I wanna bring attention to one of my utmost favorite things in Minecraft Diaries by far—The Aphmau family unit. Let me spell something out for you: We have four children, only one that’s biological and three that are all adopted, one that’s a supernatural former ghost, with two moms, and two dads, four parents in total. That is NOT a heteronormative nuclear family unit. That’s a weird-ass family unit to have!! Three adopted kids, one biological kid, two moms, two dads, and NONE of them are married, or even officially dating. And the narrative never views them as weird!!! It’s never commented on by any of the characters how strange it is that these adopted kids have 4 parents at once, or even that they have a single mom as their only “official” parent! It’s never questioned! It’s never judged! They’re treated as normally and kindly as anyone else, and you know what’s really awesome? Instead of judging and scorning Aphmau for being a single mom, everyone in her vicinity immediately offers up as much support as they can. The whole village cares for her and her wellbeing and success. Logan (and probably Donna and their children by proxy as well) takes good care of her kids whenever the town is in danger, and he helps Zoey raise and take care of the boys during the timeskip. The town throws baby showers to celebrate each child and give Aphmau all these gifts, probably to make her life easier as a mom! Garroth and Laurance never question her ability to raise her children on her own, instead they automatically take the extra responsibility of helping out as co-parents without any fight or hesitation or apprehension or scorn. They just…automatically sign themselves up as parents, because Aphmau’s a mother now. They recognize that being a single mom is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility to carry—so they choose to help!!! Just- automatically!!! Without any resistance!!! And they LOVE being dads!!!!! They’re not even married!!!!!!!! Do you have any fucking clue how rare odd/unusual and arguably revolutionary family units are in fiction??!?!?!?! The only non-traditional family unit in fiction I can remember seeing consists of like…all the tragic shows and movies and video games I’ve seen out there about a single father or mother + their kids, which is still much more normal than whatever Aphmau’s got going on, and like… Steven Universe, with one kid, four moms, and one biological dad, and the only people who are married in that situation are two of the lesbian moms that are not biologically related to Steven. That’s the only family unit in fiction I’ve seen that’s comparable to MCD!Aphmau’s. Aphmau’s family means soooooo sososo fucking much to me man.

(oh! and Aaron has a biological kid of his own that he had from a different marriage, so Alina and the others have a half-brother through him, and Zoey has a son that we never ended up seeing, so he’d probably count as some kind of,,,,uh,,,half,,step brother? from her? so in reality there are six kids, with the extra two being from previous marriages, one widowed and one basically divorced. those other two kids are just. uh. out of commission, so to speak)

Also, that means Vylad and Zane are uncles to Aphmau’s children, and Cadenza is their aunt. And Hayden, Joh, Zianna, and Garte are all grandparents. Levin should meet his uncle Vylad at some point, I think that’d be really sweet

...Speaking of Aaron~

THE MAN!!

THE MYTH!!

THE LEGEND!!

ABS MAN!!!

Its the alpha male of your dreams (or your worst nightmares), the man who refuses to let his Sick Fit conform to the ways of “time periods” and “a medieval fantasy setting” or heaven forbid the laws of “temperature and body heat,” the man blinded by his scarf who somehow still has perfect aim, the definition of mysterious brooding tall dark and handsome, the insufferable jackass with a true heart of gold, the man whose flashing the biggest sword out of all the other sexy boys in the cast and yes im talking about the weapon— AARON LYCAN!!!!

Hate him or love him, it’s good to see you again, man.

Dude, MCD Aarmau is wild when you actually look back at it. You thought Laurance and Aphmau got off on a bad foot? Try these two. They’re strained and clashing for a looong time before they become close. They are a rollercoaster.

Aaron is cold, stern, and completely closed off from the world. He lives in an abandoned, arctic wasteland without any hope for human civilization miles away. He’s completely isolated himself, and he’s hellbent on staying that way. He’s brash and harsh and icy to those around him in an effort to push them all away, because of the trauma in his past. He has trust issues and a hellish amount of anger in his system because my man is not handling the mourning and grief of his wife and son well at all. There was a severe amount of injustice in how they died, they were innocents murdered by a man causing destruction just for the fun of it, for kicks, and he’s furious that they’re gone and furious with Zane and furious with trusting strangers ever again, and it bleeds out a lot into everything else. But I think he also harbors a lot of self-loathing and guilt (exactly like Garroth and Laurance) over the death of his family and his village. I think he blames himself for it. He blames Zane, yes, he’s furious that Zane murdered an entire innocent village, including his wife, his son, his childhood friends, and the head guard that raised him (sounds an awful lot like agent r to me, but that’s just a headcanon) and burned down his childhood home and likely any remnants of his father and family and anything he ever held dear—but he also feels like it was his fault that it ever happened in the first place. Maybe if he hadn’t taken the amulet, maybe if he had just taught his son to be slightly more wary of strangers, maybe if he had found Zane first, none of that would have happened. Maybe if he hadn’t failed, they would all still be alive. I wouldn’t be surprised if Aaron was a victim of survivors guilt as well, feeling guilty that he was the only one who survived, when they all had such potential for wonderful lives they should have been allowed to live, not him. The life his son was supposed to live, how his son was supposed to outlive him, not the other way around. Maybe he hates himself for surviving. The grief of all of that would be fucking crushing. I can see how, in a depressive state that far down, a man like him would isolate himself, cut himself off from ever loving or caring for anyone again, because he’s so fucking terrified of losing them the same way—of losing them because of a mistake he made. So it’s better to be cold, to not care, to never give a shit about anyone else and spend the rest of his days utterly, miserably alone, punishing himself with his isolation in the freezing cold that could very well kill him at any moment. Fighting werewolves, something that could very well kill him if he made one wrong move, and only holding onto his anger as the only emotion that could possibly keep a man that depressed and traumatized and psychologically torn to shreds still standing, still moving, still pressing onwards despite the weight of it all. Because what else does he have to live for, if not to avenge everyone that died? Maybe if he avenged them by killing Zane, it would make right his sins. Maybe then, he could finally allow himself to rest, to stop moving and searching for him, to lay down in the snow and finally join his family in peace.

His self-imposed isolation is supposed to make him look all cool and mysterious and brooding, but I can’t take that seriously for the life of me lmao, so I’m gonna see it for what it really is: Self-destructive behavior. Constant, never-ending self-destruction, harming himself and his livelihood out of blood-bleaching terror, guilt, shame, grief, anger, fatigue, and despair. He is not handling his trauma well at all, so he pushes everyone away all the time…but that’s never going to be enough to erase his heart. Not completely.

He could have left Aphmau to die. It would have been easy. But what kind of person would he be, if he let someone else die, again? If he had the ability to stop it, and once again, he fucking failed them? He couldn’t possibly. He doesn’t want to be seen as nice, he doesn’t want anyone to like him, to grow attached to him and try to keep him around. Maybe because he doesn’t intend on sticking around. But no matter how hard he tries to smother it out, he still has a big heart underneath. The heart of someone who desperately yearns for love, for human connection that he hasn’t experienced in years, the whimpering and weak man who just wants his wife back, who wishes he could be a father again. Who has enough compassion to help out those in need, even if he tries to convince them he’s actually not very nice. Who has enough compassion and quiet, tender, shy, soft fatherly love in him left to treat Nekoette with a gentle patience and kindness, who would wholeheartedly participate in a tea party picnic with Nekoette if she begged him to. And you just know he would take that princess tea party very seriously, only to snark Aphmau, Laurance, or whoever found him sitting on a tiny plastic pink chair with a teacup perfectly poised in his hand, pinky raised. Aaron as a character is wise, emotionally mature, much more so than Aphmau, Garroth, Laurance, or like,,, most of the entire fkin cast lmao. In every universe, Aaron is the one who holds the brain cells. Notably, in MCD only, he’s also a former Lord. This gives him a level of experience and wisdom that Garroth and Laurance and most others don’t have, and it puts him on equal footing with Aphmau, as opposed to the imbalance of servant x idol that’s embedded deep into Laurmau and Garmau’s relationships, mainly due to being her knights. So if ever Aphmau needs help or advice or aid in handling Lordship, Aaron is the one who can and would give it to her, and MCD!Aaron isn’t gonna sugarcoat that shit. (yes I know Garroth is “technically” a lord in canon but he never went back to take his throne, so he’s literally never served a day in his life as a lord. he has zero experience and rejects that role as much as humanly possible. he does not count)

His design in MCD is hilariously laughable (look at them big and plump frostbitten blueass man titties. his skin doesn’t have nips on it because he’s already lost them to the arctic tundra. look at that pyramid stud-lookin hot topic belt with those emo black ripped skinny jeans. do you think his jeans are skin-tight to the curvature of his ass. do you think that whole ass is out, in the snow, in the mountains, in -0 degrees weather. do you think it claps when he walks. you can hear it echo across the mountainside from miles away. it’s his calling card. the abs count as armor plating, they deflect the blades of swords and even the hardest of werewolf claws. why? because the steel of the sword may be hard but aaron is harder. he leaves behind adidas footprints when he walks) but I do like him as a character lmao. We’ve entered DILF territory from here on out guys

nevermind guys I take back any prior frustration. i love them. guys look at them they’re so fucking CUTE aaAAUUGH they love each other <3

I love love love that they included an apology. I love that they fight, but then they make up!! They step back to cool off, and when they do, they come back to each other and apologize earnestly for everything they said and did while they were arguing. They really don’t like fighting each other. It’s SO sweet. It’s so sweet that they care about each other that much to admit they were wrong, for their love for each other they’ll forgo their prides and beg for forgiveness. I love seeing a glimpse into Garroth’s softer side in how he treats Laurance. He was the one getting insulted the most in that fight, and yet he’s the one who first turns right around and apologizes earnestly and insists that he was the one in the wrong, no matter what. He really does feel bad, he regrets what he’s done wrong and returns to Laurance to tenderly beg for forgiveness. And Laurance is more casual and carefree about it, shrugging off Garroth’s insistence that Laurance was justified and apologizing too for his own brash attitude. With how he’s talking here, i could almost vividly, perfectly capture the small smile on his face as he’s speaking. They should hug and hold hands and Garroth should cup his face in his big ol palms and they should hug and clutch each other close and then they should get married /silly

This episodes also an important point to spotlight the beginning of Laurance’s descent. Oh, to be doomed to become someone’s Judas.

In his description, Laurance paints an image that is honestly horrifying, with losing literal control over your body but being forced to watch as something else, something well beyond your mortal control, a worse and warped, inhuman version of you, takes over your body and your words and does everything it can to destroy everything around you. It’s like he’s getting possessed. It removes your inhibitions and your filter and pushes you to be so much angrier than you normally are, artificially pushing you over the edge and encouraging you to spit venomous words and do everything you can to start a fight and draw blood and get violent. I wonder how much regret and fear Zenix feels, if that’s true. But it does imply that Laurance’s angrier moments, the times he’s meaner and sharper and crueler, they’re unlike him and a deviation from his natural state, artificially caused by his demonic descent into madness and bloodlust.

i luv men <3

Laurance being petty and snarky, he’s the one who always starts fights, Dante isn’t the one who starts them but he’s the one who gets caught up in them, and Garroth is always the one to settle them. Garroth’s the one in the group with enough maturity to tell them all to stop fuckin bickering over meaningless things. And Aphmau’s outside of the arguments—but she insists she wasn’t the one who got them lost. But as a whole she prefers to stay away from any and all bickering in general. Garroth keeping track of where their priorities and responsibilities really are and yanking them back on track when Laurance veers off on a distraction and Dante easily follows.

Then Aphmau gets arrested/almost arrested for the third time now.

Aphmau gets turned into a dog per Lucinda’s escape plan, and i love the contrast in Laurance and Garroth’s reactions. Garroth gets mega worried and freaks out, and meanwhile Laurance just trusts Aphmau to always know what she’s doing, even if shit gets wacky and weird, he’s still down! He’s all for it! Let’s get weird! He says she’s lookin’ good! Garroth asks that she PLEASE be safe PLEASE please be SAFE and meanwhile Laurance is just like “knock ‘em dead baby 👉👉” Garroth is a worrywart pacing a path into the floor of the cell, while Laurance is much more adventurous and always down to clown. They’re opposites!

these two are a never ending rollercoaster on studying the portrayal and varying extent of empathy vs ego. Maybe i need to rethink prior assessments about these two. I’m learning just as you guys are as you follow me along this journey, I’m making this up as I go, so naturally I expect myself to start getting certain shit wrong. Maybe my previous assessment of “Garroth has lower empathy than laurance” wasn’t entirely correct. But I still feel like I need to figure out some sort of solid, in-depth explanation for why Garroth betrays them later on… It’s this interesting dichotomy Garroth’s character poses to me. Perhaps I need to shift my paradigm. I’m focusing on the wrong things, simplifying my assessments based on surface-level reactions and traits, looking at the equation from the wrong angle.

Here, Laurance reiterates the idea I’ve so far assumed, and it’s that Garroth is a very pride-based man. Not as in he’s particularly arrogant or haughty or full of himself, not in the slightest. Just that his pride, his ego, is one of his highest priorities. When it’s wounded, it cuts him so much deeper than it would for other characters, like Aphmau or Aaron or Dante. And that was my explanation for why he behaves the way he does in certain circumstances, especially and mainly at his worst, and how it affects his view of Aphmau. When he’s at his worst, from what I remember and presume, he seems to act very pridefully, and there’s a consistent emphasis on “Garroth’s pride” throughout the latter half of S1, like right now. So it’s certainly at least…an aspect of him, of his values and core pieces that influence his decisions and the way he thinks. He’s not full of himself at ALL, he’s actually severely insecure, and that’s why he’s a man of wounded ego, and men of wounded egos can often do… drastic and unfortunate things. Like leaving his loved ones and his entire town to die in a critical time of war, or even sacrificing his life because he sincerely feels like his loved ones are better off without him.

But I think where I assume incorrectly about his character is in the latter half of what Laurance points out: His pride doesn’t stem from selfishness. His pride stems from selflessness, and an extreme, empathetic excess of it.

That’s fascinating. I’m gonna need to chew real hard on that.

Laurance says, “What he’s most proud of is the people he cares for - he invests too much of himself in them and while I don’t believe that to be a bad thing, he invests ALL of himself into them, which IS a bad thing.” What this demonstrates is high empathy, or empathic behavior. And I do trust that Laurance knows Garroth intimately enough by this point to know Garroth’s real and honest flaws, I think he’s fully telling the truth about him and would make a brutally honest, accurate assessment of his character. I trust Laurance’s assessments of Garroth more than I’d trust anyone else in the cast and much more than I’d trust my own lmao. He’s painting the picture of how Garroth has such immense empathy and intense love and care and compassion for everyone around him, that he doesn’t see them for the swindling or wicked or heartless people they really are. I don’t feel like Laurance is correct or telling Hard Objective Facts when he claims his own method and approach is better than Garroth’s, but he is correct when he assesses that Garroth’s sensitive heart may lead him to falter with or possibly refuse to do something like killing Zenix, if push came to shove. I doubt that Garroth is exactly a doormat? He doesn’t seem to be much of a doormat to Zane, I mean. Or to any of the other more run-of-the-mill threats they come across. And it’s not exactly doormat behavior to betray your father’s commands by escaping your toxic family to a brand new, healthier, better life for yourself. He’s not a doormat, I think Laurance is referring to Garroth hesitating before taking a crucial strike, because he loves Zenix with his whole heart, while Laurance wouldn’t hesitate to kill Zenix on sight (ironic lmao).

And maybe this is more true than my theory of Garroth not caring as much as he seems. In how Mystreet!Garroth still smothers Zane in love despite all the years of unrelenting insults and bullying and cruelty his brother throws on him, because he sees the best in his brother and struggles to think that he would actually hate him. In how MCD!Garroth worries and paces holes into the floor as he desperately tries to think of a way to get everyone out alive, and how he frets when Aphmau gets turned into a wolf pup. In how he comes back to apologize earnestly to Laurance and struggles to wrap his head around how Laurance could be in the wrong, too, even if he so obviously is. In how he dedicated his life to the woman that gave him a guard tower, because he’s so immensely grateful for her gifts and occasional kindnesses that he tries to give his life to her in return.In how Garroth saw the way Zenix acted and spoke and behaved, which was rude, crass, insulting, rebellious, rebuking him and challenging him regularly and being difficult and always suggesting unethical or morally shitty alternatives to doing anything (if Rebirth is anything to go by) and it had never occurred to Garroth that he could be a bad person or a jackass or anyone who would betray him.

Which is why I actually really dislike Rebirth!Garroth much more so than MCD!Garroth, because where Garroth is occasionally cold and prideful, Rebirth!Garroth is straight up harsh and angry and resentful and bitter. When I think of Rebirth!Garroth losing Zenix, deadass you’d have to write me an essays worth of proof just to convince me his reaction to losing Zenix wouldn’t be “Oh, thank god. I’m so glad that insufferable brat is gone.” Where MCD!Garroth is tender and soft and redeemable at his worst, Rebirth!Garroth is severely annoyed with everyone and anything and hates his life and doesn’t want to be here and never wants Zenix to speak ever again lmao. Man im FAR from a Garroth fanboy and even I feel like Rebirth butchered my boy.

Garroth is a more lawful character, especially when you contrast him with Laurance, but that doesn’t mean he’s…a stern, no-nonsense, disapproving prude. He redirects their focus when Laurance takes them off track, and he dislikes how inappropriate Laurance behaves when he’s acting like a misogynistic fuckboy and harassing girls who don’t want his advances lmao, but there’s never been a point thus far where he criticizes Laurance’s chaotic or adventurous or playful personality. He doesn’t like him sexually harassing others who feel uncomfortable with his advances, he thinks of it as ungentlemanly of him, but have you noticed that he hasn’t brought that up even once since Laurance’s return from the Nether? Aka, when Laurance dropped the fuckboy act? Laurance still flirts with Aphmau on the regular now, but Garroth doesn’t speak of it as inappropriate anymore. He just gets flustered and jealous, but that’s all. And later on, he even admits to envying and admiring Laurance’s confidence to speak his mind. He admires Laurance’s boldness, just when it’s appropriate and not breaking anyone else’s boundaries. Once Laurance cuts the shit and starts flirting much more respectfully and kindly, he doesn’t mind so much. He’s not mortified by it, because he knows Aphmau is comfortable with it. He sees how he makes her laugh, and he’s grateful for it. He’s just a shy man who struggles to be that confident in his own life and relationships, so he wishes he had some of Laurance’s self-assurance and bravery. Maybe he shows some more disdain for Laurance’s,,,~promiscuity~ (lol) in the future and I just haven’t come across it yet, in which case I’ll correct myself if I do, but like. I’m just saying. We’re 71 episodes in now and he hasn’t talked shit about Laurance’s sexuality yet.

Like, I feel like if canon-accurate Garroth saw Laurance in some like,,,super sexy, revealing leather fit, his reaction would NOOOOOT be prudish shame clutching his pearls with disdain and disgust for how bold and Crude and Outlandish laurance is being. His reaction would be him shyly or nervously not knowing what to say, maybe stuttering, maybe getting flustered, and saying something about how he admires Laurance’s confidence and wishes he could be that cool. Maybe muttering under his breath about how he wonders if he could get Aphmau to look at him like that if he did the same, and then immediately shaking away the idea and shooing it away as quick as it came. Mystreet!Garroth would probably react more with a, “Woooow… Sexy! Hehehe, this’ll win you all the girls for sure!” ((REMINDS YOU LOUDLY OF THE TIME GARROTH CANONICALLY WORE NURSE LINGERIE FOR A COMEDY SKIT LAURANCE WAS FILMING)) At worst, his reaction would be a deadpan, neutral “Wow. Now that’s something you don’t see every day… Why am I not surprised?” but frankly if it were me, I’d give that reaction to Aaron! If you tweaked the dialogue a little, it’d suit Aaron much better than it would suit Garroth. And they’re supposed to contrast each other. Aaron is the stern, cold, “judgy,” deadpan one. Not Garroth. Laurance is adventurous and chaotic, Garroth is orderly and shy and a highly empathetic worrywart with a rare playful side when he’s comfortable (a side that’s completely brought to the focus in Mystreet), and Aaron is the deadpan, mature, wise, no-nonsense serious one that’s blown away by their crazier antics every time. Laurance is clever but not really wise, (MCD)Garroth is…uh. Mainly emotionally intelligent above anything else but not an idiot, responsible but not exactly wise, and Aaron is the wisest one out of all of them but lacks in other areas that the other two fill. ((—that being said, I do see a lot of people adding on Catholic guilt and shame to their versions of rewritten Garroth, and I think that’s cool <3 it suits him, fits in snug with his canon characterization, and in that case giving him more sexual shame and prudeish behavior would be very fitting. sadly im doing everything I can to not cover headcanons though lmao))

He never talks shit about Zenix’s more rude, judgmental, obnoxious, and brash behavior either, by the way. He never talks shit at all about how he used to act and behave, now that I’m thinking back. That’s something that’s entirely new to Rebirth. They cropped that in, that annoyance with Zenix’s behavior didn’t exist before. (it’s because they made Zenix more of a misogynistic creep in rebirth and didn’t want to seem like they were endorsing it lmao, but like. you could’ve easily salvaged their original, close, intimate bond by just. not making Zenix act like a misogynistic creep all the time. and then Garroth would have nothing to be angry about lmao. like that was optional. we could’ve gone without that just fine)

Laurance says, “what he’s most proud of is the people he cares for.” Most proud of the people he cares for… What does that mean? I don’t think he means that in any form of selfish way. I think he means that Garroth invests soooo so so much of himself into other people, to the point of not fully taking care of himself and his own needs. Maybe that’s how Lillian was able to get to him so easily. Because he doesn’t take care of himself first. Everyone else in the world is his priority before he’d invest in his own personal wellbeing. Aphmau is his highest priority above all else, pretty much everything he does is for Aphmau’s sake. He feels cautious and apprehensive about Laurance’s SK transformation because he’s worried for Aphmau’s sake. He stops their bickering for her sake, leaves PD to travel to the arctic for Aphmau’s sake, adopts a son for Aphmau’s sake, it’s in everything he does. So of course he would put himself as the last on his list, of course he would give up his own life for Aphmau’s. Maybe what Lillian was able to convince him of was make him see just how little he does something for himself. Maybe he was simply just…wounded, plain and simple, by Aphmau and Laurance getting together, no further resentment or vehement rage, maybe he felt betrayed that they progressed their relationship so much behind his back, despite how present he was in this three-way rivalry situation they have going on, despite Laurance knowing how much it all meant to him. He found them kissing in the woods, confirming a relationship. He saw them staying together at night and keeping secrets and growing all the more close and intimate, and meanwhile Laurance never told him a word, when he was so certain that he trusted he would. He was part of this strange, three-way waiting game, and surely it looked exactly like all of a sudden he’d been booted out of the group dynamic with zero explanation, like getting kicked out of your best friend’s group chat, and they start drawing away from you and ghosting you and never think to tell you why. That would make him feel wounded and betrayed, and if his heart is as big as Laurance says, if he invests soooooo so so so fucking much of his extremely loving heart into his relationships, suddenly getting kicked out by your dearest friends and isolated would feel horrible. And Garroth likely didn’t understand why they would do something like that, and it’s not like they’re communicating with him the answer lmao, they’re not even aware that he’s upset!! They just think he caught the flu!!! And Laurance assumes that’s why he’s upset, because he’s sick!!! Perhaps that makes it even more insulting, that it doesn’t occur to them that anything would be wrong. Of course they wouldn’t even notice that he’s gone. And when they do notice his absence, they STILL don’t acknowledge getting together or what they’ve actually done, it doesn’t occur to them at all that he’d be upset about them leaving him behind. I can see why he’d be angry. Garroth thinks he’s been abandoned, this sensitive and already very reserved and bad-at-talking-about-his-feelings man who struggles so much to feel like he deserves to be loved, he assumes they don’t want him as their intimate companion anymore and shuts himself away from the world from how horribly his heart is broken—and that’s when Lillian meets him.

Maybe Lillian puts the idea in his head that this was an intentional move on Aphmau and Laurance’s part, that they were excluding him on purpose, because they don’t like him anymore. Because Laurance betrayed their entire previous bond and agreement and competition not by finally “getting the girl,” but by never telling Garroth and silently booting him out of the group by keeping Aphmau all to himself and abandoning Garroth, never even telling him or communicating with him or checking on him to see if he’s okay with everything going on, or letting him know the news of what’s been going on and checking how he feels with it all. Instead of handling it with the kind of equal respect and open, honest communication and,,,frankly, love and close intimacy, that they were treating each other with before, he feels like Laurance just… swooped in, took his prize, and both he and Aphmau completely dropped Garroth, both as a lover but as their friend, when he was no longer relevant to them anymore.

Maybe Lillian reminds him of how little he does anything for himself. Maybe she shows him how much he did for them and how much he loved them both, and told him how little they love him in return, and such a revelation would be crushing for a heart like his. And poor, wounded, isolated, naive Garroth believed her, because the damage had been done, and then anger brewed. Anger that made him stubborn, anger that made him want to close off his heart in an extremely volatile way. I wonder if Lillian had never been part of the equation after the initial illusion, he still would’ve shut himself away from the outside world for a few days, but maybe he wouldve been less angry, as he would’ve had more time. Maybe like the apology he gave Laurance in the manor when they were fighting, he would eventually cave to his heart and come out, reach out to Laurance, assuming he already knew everything that was going on, and beg him to simply talk to him and explain why he doesn’t want him around anymore—only for Laurance to immediately correct him and insist no no no no, why would you ever think that? you and Aphmau are the most special and dearest people in the world to me, why would you ever think I don’t want you around anymore? And then they’d figure out that there was an illusion, Aphmau and Laurance would explain the whole secret amulet nightmare hell they’ve been tangling with lately, apologize profusely for accidentally making Garroth feel like he was worthless by keeping him out of the loop with all of that, and they’d clear it all up and have a good cry and everything would be happy hunky-dory and they go beat Zane’s ass.

I think Lillian’s influence is what brought out, seeded, and festered Garroth’s anger. The heartbreak was the unfortunate coincidence of two things colliding, Laurance and Aphmau accidentally drawing away by keeping secrets and Garroth distancing himself like the reserved and shy/uncertain man he always is, and the illusion Lillian planted to make Garroth think Laurmau getting together was why. And not what it really was, which was like… crazy espionage death threat spy bullshit making them grow more private and secretive than before. And in reality, Aphmau and Laurance still really deeply loved Garroth during all of that and were really really worried about him when he withdrew and locked himself away to cry in his bedroom for 42 hours (which is a reasonable response). Maybe if Lillian hadn’t been there, when Aphmau came to check on him and try to speak to him and just…letting him know that they miss him and they’re here for him whenever he’s ready to come out, maybe he would have actually gotten up and answered the door and spoken to her then, and they would’ve worked things out.

I can’t help but think about how Garroth probably was raised to believe that he was unloveable, growing up. Especially if everything Zane tells him in all/both universes is anything to go by. He did say that Zane started copying and learning from his father’s terrible behavior, once Garte started turning more corrupt. Perhaps they made him believe that no one would ever want to love someone as stupid, naive, gullible, useless, incompetent, foolish, bumbling, childish, oversensitive, dramatic, emotional, soft, and weak as him (based on how Zane insults him). So when Lillian and Zane come in while he’s vulnerable, while he feels heartbroken and betrayed and isolated and abandoned, and he doesn’t know why, and he can’t understand this difference in their behavior, they swoop in and whisper in his ear the idea that all the things the cruel voice in his head says to him is true, that it’s always been true that no one would ever love him, and only now, now that Aphmau and Laurance have left his worthless heart behind, can he see the truth. But not to fear, because Zane sees his potential for what it truly is. Zane’s always been right about him, he knows his brother better than anyone else, and no matter how far he tries to run, Zane will always find him, and be here for him. See, Zane has a place for him. Lady Aphmau may not want him anymore, but Zane does. His family wants him. They have a purpose for him, a way for him to mean something, a home he can never run away from, a home that will hold him, even if their hands are cold and their hearth is even colder, even if it’s nothing like what he really wanted—but what he wanted out of love and life and family was impossible to achieve, now was it? Nothing but the stupid, silly, childish dreams of a bumbling, foolish man that made up a fantasy that could never happen in the first place. His family will always be here, behind him. Waiting for him. Pulling him back. His family will always be the only thing that’s true.

So he comes back. He drops his home at Phoenix Drop, he returns to Zane’s side, and he joins the Jury of Nine. In his despair, he lets go of the new family he’d made, his children, his loved ones, his home, the town he raised Zenix in, the friends he’d made, the memories he’d made over the years, everything he’d ever cared for and needed and valued most above all else, he throws it all away and it kills him on the inside, but he burns with anger for how he was betrayed. Much like Aaron’s poor handling of his own grief turning into anger that pushes everyone else away, he pushes everything away, isolates himself even further, continues to spiral down this lonely pit of utter self-destruction, because he believes every word Zane tells him. He’s furious, he’s grieving, he’s depending on Zane as his only direction left, the only family and home and love he could ever have left, like a dog licking for love off of knives. Not because he doesn’t actually give much of a shit about Laurance and Aphmau, but because he loves them so fucking much. Because he can’t imagine any other life without them, and he’s furious that they burned that to shreds in front of his eyes, because goddamn it they were all he had. He’s angry that they didn’t seem to love him as much as he loved them, and now he has to settle for his worst nightmare, because his executioners and abusers are the only ones who actually want him in their grasp. And if no one else will hold him, then he might as well settle for the embrace of his killers. And that’s horrible, that’s unfair, that’s unjust, that’s wrong, but it’s all he has now. And that’s why the moment Laurance starts confronting him like he cares about him, starts breaking down the manipulation Lillian and Zane fed to him and indirectly proving to him that, oh, wait, they do care about him, wait, they do want him back and in their lives, and he realizes the mistake he’s made.

And that’s why he immediately turns on Zane and starts fighting him instead, dedicating the rest of his life to undoing the damage he’s done by saving his loved ones and fending off Zane. The real reason why Laurance gets through to him, and why he feels like he needs to sacrifice his life for them, and why he finally fucking tells Aphmau how much he loves her. And oh, god, how much that means for him to say.

Ok i’ll flesh out the details of that and work that into something way more closely aligned with canon when we actually get to those scenes, but like. i need you guys to realize something lol. I went on this journey to better understand the relationship dynamics of Garmau, Garrance, and Laurmau so I’d feel more comfortable rewriting my MCD rewrite fic to include more of them, yes, but I also went on this journey purely just to convince myself to actually like MCD Garroth Ro’meave. Before this point, with this Laurance screenshot forcing me to rethink everything, I was a bigtime MCD!Garroth hater. I have despised him up to this point. And all of that just changed my mind completely. I chained myself by the wrists to forcibly hold myself in Garroth Appreciation Purgatory until I reconsidered how I felt about him and Understood why MCD!Garroth was so widely beloved by the community. Until I knew every way he ticked and every way he thought and everything he ever felt, in hopes of convincing myself to appreciate him too, and my plan has succeeded. I have switched sides. I am a Garroth fanboy now. I get it now. I Understand him. I can finally unlock my chains and frolic here freely from this point onwards. I have learned to love my domesticated dog-coded boy who definitely listens to too much fuckin mitski. I get it now. you have no idea how much fucking work I’ve been doing to stay as impartial and nice and respectful with his character as possible lmao, I have had to step back and take breaks from how angry he was making me and now I am free. now i am. liberated. now i am. homosexual

No but genuinely I thought he only betrayed them because he was a bitchy jackass manchild crying over losing the dumbass game he’d literally been agreeing to play this entire time, but he didn’t end up having the emotional maturity or the balls to handle actually “losing.” guys I thought he was just a misogynistic possessive piece of shit crying over literally nothing of meaningful value and actively, spitefully, pettily choosing to burn it all to the ground, despite the mounds of logical evidence against his entire argument. i thought he was a fucking asshole this entire time. thats why I kept insisting he was a bitch and a prideful piece of shit. now I need to rethink everything. Disregard (almost) everything critical or deprecating i have said about Garroth Ro’meave before this point, I am wiping the slate clean, I am starting over with new lenses, and I will do my boy better proper justice now, i. i need to reassess everything now. goddamn it

I would like to return to a previous question I proposed about “How does Garroth feel about Aphmau exactly?” And answer part of it. And it’s the question I posed of, “is he truly more of a servant at his core, a loyal and domesticated obedient dog to those he idolizes and loves dearly? or does he harbor a dark side underneath, of the cruel and corrupt king that’s run by his pride, who wishes to possess and own all things as he desires and is petty and backhanded and cold?” And now that I see him more clearly—the answers entirely and absolutely the former. He is a servant. He is desperately begging for affection wherever he can get it, as silently as he can. If he has any Evil King bone in his body, there’s only like. one of them, and it’s outvoted every time by the hoard of other bones in his body that would cry if he accidentally stepped on his dog’s paw. The latter is a cool idea for an au, the former is closest to canon. In my opinion. My ever-shifting and evolving opinion.

When Garroth is upset and heartbroken, he listens to mitski. When Laurance is upset and heartbroken, he listens to The Neighborhood. I don’t know what Aaron listens to, but I feel like he’d listen to something from the old era of rock. But I’m not familiar with that genre at all, so old rock fans will have to fill in the gaps for me there

I know I said I’d go until the image limit, but oh my god I’ve written so much and I think I have at least 11 or 10ish more images/scenes to go. I’m so fkin tired. believe it or not I do in fact have a yapping capacity LOL

Before I fuck off to continue in a part 3, I want to leave you guys with just a fun little factoid of semi-canon information:

Garroth’s a lot like Fluttershy, Laurance is a lot like Rainbow Dash, and Dante is like Applejack, in Jess’s mind. Now, mind you, I have much more complicated opinions on what pony Aphmau is most like that im still working out, and personally I feel like it’s stupid and inane to only pick her pony based entirely and only off of the idea of “is it purple” and I feel like after reading all of this you would be able to tell exactly why im the kind of person who doesn’t like basic, surface-level character choices LOL, but atm im fighting somewhere between “aphmau is a LOOOOT like pinkie pie in personality” vs “oh but MCD!Aphmau specifically and uniquely shares a lot of the leadership and anxiety and some minute character details that Twilight Sparkle has, plus twi is purple” vs “I should examine the side/supporting/background cast of MLP:FiM to search for The Perfect Match for Aphmau because none of the mane 6 quite fit her perfectly exactly” so yaknow. it’s whatever. Rarity isn’t even an option I would consider for Aphmau. Rarity is Cadenza, Cadenza is Rarity, and that’s that lmao. Garroth = Fluttershy and Laurance = Rainbow Dash and Garrance = Flutterdash, and im very happy with that

But Zane is Princess Luna. Zane is in every conceivable way an exact replica of Princess Luna. Zane is Luna. End of story

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Safest with You (Ch. 18 - The Threat)

4.8k / Modern AU Retired Mob Enforcer!Din Djarin x fem!reader

Summary: Peace between the Clans after the wedding is short lived.

Warnings: 18+ Content (MDNI please). Established relationship, petnames (pretty bird, baby, etc.), one (1) daddy, two (2) spanks, unprotected PiV, oral (m receiving, reference to f receiving), a teeny bit of ass play and a wee smidge of choking. Angst - it's back, baby!

A/N: This takes place after The Wedding (but it's not necessary to read). I need to write the next few chapters together, so it might take me a beat to post Ch. 19 but I will try my best 🥰 as always, thank you for reading!

Series Masterlist

Dividers by @saradika-graphics 🥰

Din had never experienced the old saying “the calm before the storm” before.  He had heard of it, of course, but in his experience, there was ever only the build up to the storm or the storm itself.

In retrospect, “the calm” was exactly what the last few weeks had been.

The weeks leading up to Cassandra and Rikard Pyke’s wedding had been tense.  Security concerns increased in light of the unrest that had been rising in intensity and frequency for the months prior, complicating already intricate and complex security logistics necessitated by the union itself.  It gnaws at Din to no end that he and Paz haven’t been able to identify the culprit orchestrating all the previously thought unrelated disturbances; he’s at least glad the theory that the incidents were random has been abandoned and that even Boba agreed there had to be a common thread between all the events. 

Happily, the wedding had gone off without any major incident; the happy couple had married and celebrated joyously with both Families.  No blood had been spilt, and one could even declare that the relationship between the Fetts and Pykes has never been better.  There had been that minor scuffle at the end of the evening; Din hated worrying you unnecessarily even more than he hated lying to you, so he had told you a half truth when he said it was just a few kids who drank too much.  It was a half truth in that only half of the drunk kids in question were wedding guests - the other two had been Hutt wedding crashers.  For whatever reason, two lower level Hutt foot soldiers had decided to check out the wedding venue after most of the guests had wound down their celebrations and a few of the younger Pyke cousins had taken offense.

It had been easy enough to break up and smooth over, sending the kids to their proverbial corners - that part he hadn’t downplayed.  And since then, it’s been… quiet.

No more skirmishes.  No vandalism.  No theft.  Nothing. 

It’s as if whoever was responsible went on vacation or decided that whatever they were trying to accomplish in the first place wasn’t worth it.

At first, it had been much too suspicious to be trusted.  The Mandos remaining on high alert even when nothing out of the ordinary was being reported.  Then slowly, things started going back to normal.  Late night patrols taper off and security surveillance whittle down to a minimum.  Jimmy returns to training with Karga full-time.  Din’s schedule regulates and to make up for lost time, he takes you out to dinner nearly every night, chipping away at the long accumulated list of restaurants you want to try.  Mayfeld goes back to doing whatever Mayfeld does.

It was the calm.

Din’s humming to himself as he folds towels - checking the clock, he’s glad to see he’s about half an hour or so away from Greef coming in for the late shift, at which time he can go back upstairs to spend the rest of his Saturday night with you.  The two of you had spent a lovely morning at the same farmers’ market he had taken you to on your second date, and much of the day had been spent recreating a similar afternoon – him working while periodically popping upstairs to visit you and Al, helping you with the lasagna.  The only notable difference was that instead of letting you nap, he had made you come on his tongue twice before heading back downstairs to oversee the lazy Saturday gym crowd.

Otherwise, history was repeating itself delightfully even now with Paz coming by after his workout to check in with Din.

“Hey brother,” Paz clasps his hand on Din’s shoulder before the two men embrace, “good day?”

“Yep,” nods Din, good naturedly, “you?”

Paz’s face slips into an unserious grimace, “Was going pretty good, but just got the call to check in with the boss, so like Rhianna says: work, work, work, work, work.  You wanna come with?”

Din shakes his head, “Nah, I’m retired again, remember?  Besides, I’ve got lasagna.”

“Ooo!  Lil’ Lady made lasagna?  Save me a slice, brother!  Wait… unless ‘lasagna’ is code for some weird sex thing?  Then please don’t think of me, thanks.”

Din whips a towel at Paz’s head as the latter heads out the gym, the back of his shoulders shaking with laughter.

---

Satisfied.  That’s the word Din thinks best describes how he feels in this very moment.  His stomach is full of wine and lasagna, and he currently has his delectable dessert straddling his lap with her tongue down his throat.  When you lift yourself up to press down on Din’s mouth with your plush lips, your core grinds a little on the top of his now soft again belly and you both let out a heady groan at the sensation.  Din suspects that after the bout with Rotta Hutt, you had made it your personal mission to reinstate his softer stomach, and he happily acquiesced - eating second helpings of all your delicious cooking that seemed to constantly fill your and his apartments with mouthwatering aromas.

Brushing your tongue over Din’s, your hands go to card his soft curls through your fingers when you feel his meaty hands slide down your sides until they come to a rest on your ass, cupping your cheeks and palming them lightly while you whimper into his mouth. 

“Feel good, pretty bird?”

“Mmmhhmmmm, feels so good, Din,” you murmur as you kiss across Din’s jaw and trail your lips down his neck, tongue darting out to lick his bobbing Adam’s apple.  You feel Din’s hands tighten and squeeze hard at the feeling, and it makes you giggle - you give your butt a little wiggle and dance around in his lap as a response.

Smack.

You yelp and then immediately moan from the spank Din administers to your behind.  Din chuckles throatily and lands another hard smack to the other cheek, watching your ass ripple as he growls in your ear, “Gonna be a good girl, baby?”

You pull back so Din can see the pouty, doe-eyed expression you’re giving him, “What do you mean, daddy?”

Din’s eyes darken, “Are you gonna be a good girl, or are you gonna be a br-”

Bzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzz.

Din’s phone buzzes with an incoming text.  Then another.  And another.  It continues to vibrate, even as you reach over to the coffee table to grab it for him.

Brow furrowed, Din looks at the notifications on his locked screen and sees texts from Paz, Mayfeld, Woves, Bo, Iggy with more coming in every few seconds from other Mandos.  Each text containing just one line:

This is the Way.

Din’s face hardens and his body tenses, he sits up straight and you have to lace your fingers around his neck so you don’t slide off his lap.  The words themselves are innocuous, chosen to sound authoritative and purposefully vague and mysterious; but the text protocol being executed is deliberate and meaningful, one that Din himself implemented years ago.  It was a code red and a check-in system rolled into one.  It meant he had to go.

He gives you with an apologetic look but he finds you already watching him with an expression full of softness and understanding, “You have to go?”

Nodding, Din closes his eyes and pulls you tight against his chest, tucking your head into your favourite nook under his chin before murmuring, “I have to go.”  You hug him back just as tightly and tell your man you love him.  Tipping your head back, you eagerly accept one last tender kiss before Din gently pulls you off his lap.

As Din sends off his own text (This is the Way.), you grab a jacket for him and see him to the door, eyes worried, “Be careful, Din.”

“Always, pretty bird.  I love you.”  And then he’s off - hurrying down the stairs, taking two at a time.

---

Entering inconspicuously through the back entrance of an office building that acted as a Fett safe house, Din greets the Mandos that beat him here in the open lounge area.  Some are nursing drinks, others seemingly just waiting around.  Everyone looks to be on high alert.  Still not knowing what the alert was for, Din doesn’t ask – he would rather get the debrief straight from Paz, but he doesn’t see the Fett head of security in the room.  Koska gives him a little nod when she spots him and tilts her head towards the boardroom, mouthing, “They’re waiting for you.” Who exactly they are, still unknown to Din even as he pushes open the thick oak door. 

Paz is inside, as are Bo and Brian.  There are no other Mandos.  Everyone is sitting around the long conference table except for Paz and Fennec, both of whom stand flanking Boba’s seat at the head of the long table.  Many of the chairs are already filled by Fett Family seniors and principals and in front of every seat, even the empty ones, is a brown manila envelope.  Din sees that those already sitting have opened theirs, but the contents are unknown to him – either stuffed back into their envelopes or placed face down on the table.  As he walks towards Paz, Din notices that all the envelopes have names written on them; the handwriting is unfamiliar, but he recognizes the names of some other clan members that haven’t arrived yet.  It’s not until he’s nearly at the end of the room that he looks at the envelope in front of the empty seat to Boba’s right and reads his own name.

Cocking an eyebrow at Paz, he’s mildly alarmed to see Paz’s expression.  Normally so impassive and stoic while conducting official security business, Paz looks… nervous.  Din looks quizzically at his envelope, then at Paz, Boba and Fennec; Boba gives a slight nod of his head and Din doesn’t even bother sitting down, just reaches over the chair to grab his envelope, ripping it open.

Din reaches in and pulls out a thick stack of photos.  He goes through them, faster and faster, the top photo being filed to the back so he can see what the next picture is, his actions becoming more frantic and hurried with each photo.

“What the fuck is this?!” he roars.

You.  Every picture is of you.  You stepping off the subway.  You eating a sandwich outside your office.  You having brunch with your friends.  You walking the dog.  You’re wearing so many different outfits in the photos, they must have been taken over several days.  Weeks even.  Din thinks he’s going to be sick - someone has been watching you for weeks.

Since no one has answered, Din thunders again, “What the fuck is this?!” Several of the people sitting, bristle.  Paz looks defeated.  The epiphany that what Paz had been nervous for was Din’s reaction hits suddenly, “Paz, did you know what was in this envelope?!”

Boba, ever calm, but radiating an undercurrent of fury, suggests, “Paz, why don’t you catch Din up in private?  Please rejoin us when you’re ready.”

Paz gestures to a side door and Din follows, still clutching his envelope and the pictures of you.  He waits for the door to the smaller, empty room to close behind him before he goes in on Paz, “Brother, what the hell is going on??”

Paz sighs, “First, I owe you an apology.  You’re right - I knew what was in the envelope.  Actually, I didn’t know, but I had a really good idea.  It didn’t give me any pleasure to see you ambushed like that, brother.”

Din nods, waiting for more.

“A box of envelopes was left outside Peli’s doorstep this morning with a note on top that just said ‘For Boba Fett’.  We checked her cameras and asked around, but there was nothing usable – whoever left the box knew where all the cameras were, where the blind spots are, and they dropped it off at 5 a.m. when there was no one around.”  Paz sighs heavily before continuing.

“Peli called it in and after the box and its contents were cleared, Boba went through it in the late afternoon – he himself got an enveloped filled with pictures of Poe, Lisa and their kids.  Everyone who received an envelope got called in – there are at least 25.  All the envelopes so far contain pictures of loved ones: spouses, partners, family, kids.  All the photos recent.  Bo and Brian’s envelopes contained pictures of their girlfriends.  That’s how I was fairly sure yours had the Lil’ Lady in it.”

Din wordlessly hands over the pictures of you and Paz takes the stack, going through it with a pained expression on his face, “Recent?”

Din nods, “Who the hell did this?  What do they want?  Was there anything else in the box?  What is the fucking point of these photos?!”  Din thinks his brain is going to explode.

Paz shakes his head, “We don’t know.  That’s what we have to find out.”

“But it’s a threat.”

“Yeah.  It feels like a threat.”

Din presses the heels of his hands to his eyes.  His heart and head are pounding, a million thoughts racing through his mind.  Are you safe right now?  He shouldn’t have left you.  No, you’re at Mando’s – there’s nowhere safer.  Had you noticed anyone following you these last couple of weeks?  No, you would have told him.  That means whoever did this was a professional.  And they must have a team, if they were able to take pictures of so many targets over the past few weeks.  Targets.  Fuck.  You were a target.  A voice that Din hasn’t heard in months practically screams in his head: Because of you!! 

His rage and fear suddenly trampled by a new emotion: guilt. 

Beaten, Din looks up at Paz, his voice breaking, “This is why.  This is why… she shouldn’t be with me.  This is what I was always afraid of.  That being with me would put her in danger.  That I would put her in danger.  She’s being threatened because of me.”

Din hangs his head, that old insecurity over bringing you into his life, or rather his life into yours, resurfacing after all these months - ready to tear down the life that he and you had started building together.  How could he have done this to you?  You don’t deserve it.

Paz lays a firm and what he hopes is a reassuring hand on his best friend’s shoulder, “We’ll get who ever did this.  And we’ll keep her safe.  We’ll keep them all safe.”

Din nods, swallowing hard, but unable to peel his thoughts away from images of you.  You in the pictures.  You when he left you tonight.  You smiling at him.  Trusting him.  And then before he could stop it from creeping into his mind, a terrifying vision of you, limp in his arms, hurt.  He closes his eyes and wills himself to breathe, “She has to be safe.”

He follows Paz back into the main boardroom - ready to formulate a plan, to figure out the next steps, to do whatever it takes to bring down whoever was responsible for this transgression against the Family.  Din forces his face to wear the steely visage familiar to those in the room who know him as Boba Fett’s most fearsome enforcer, doing his best to ignore that nagging voice in his head that periodically interjects, “You know what you have to do.”

---

Something has happened tonight.  You can tell.  When you hear Din’s footsteps trudging up the stairs, it’s almost 11 p.m.  He had texted you earlier letting you know he was going to be late, but implored you to save taking Al back until he came home.  You didn’t know about the way his chest tightened when you wrote back to tell him you and Al had gone out and come back already.  As Din gets closer to the top floor, you think you can hear a weariness in those steps, as if he’s shouldering an additional weight.  Meeting him at the door, your heart cracks when you see the furrow of Din’s brow and the exhaustion in his eyes.  Something has happened tonight.

Wordlessly taking Din’s things from him and guiding him to the couch, you straddle Din’s lap and lightly trace his face with your fingers, as if trying to wipe away his worry.  His eyes are closed, his breathing even, but barely controlled.  On more than one occasion, Din has marveled at your talent for being able to soothe and calm him, often with a single touch.  But not tonight.  Tonight, no matter how much you may try, his muscles will not relax, his fists will not unclench, and the tension he carries in his shoulders will not dissipate.

You curl yourself against his hard chest, resting your head on his tightened shoulder and whisper, “Din?  Do you need to use me?  Work out some of this stress?”  Taking his clenched fist, you gently pry open his hand and lay it flat against your own chest, holding it close to your heart.

Din breathes out shakily and opens his eyes to see you looking up at him, wide-eyed with love and concern.   Fuck.  He loves you so much.  And he needs you.  You always know what he needs. 

But he can’t. 

He can’t get the image of the you in those pictures out of his mind – so innocent and unassuming; the idea that someone was looking that same you but with the intention of scaring or hurting you has Din wound up so tight, he’s afraid he might snap at any minute.  Regretfully, he chokes out, “Can’t, pretty bird.  Not this time.  This time… the way I’m feeling right now... I- I might hurt you.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

You can see how hard Din’s struggling and you want to cry for him.  Cupping his rough, tired face in your dainty hands, you kiss him softly and nod, not wanting to add to his burden.

“I think I need to go work it out in the gym, baby.  Take it out on some bags.  Then maybe catch-up on some work.  I’m still behind on paperwork for the gym because of the other stuff that was going on before,” Din sighs.

“If you want, I can take on some of the admin, like tax forms and stuff.  You know I’m good at that,” you offer, wanting to be at least some help.

Against all odds, Din smiles.  How do you do that? “That would be wonderful, sweetheart.  Thank you.”

You relax into his chest, but when Din’s hold on your waist remains tight and his breathing stays sharp, you climb off his lap and prod him gently, “Don’t be too long, baby,” letting your hand linger on his cheek for a moment longer before going to get ready for bed.

---

When you wake in the middle of the night, it’s just past 1:30 a.m. and you’re alone in bed.  Sitting up, you listen for Din but the apartment is silent except for Al’s soft snores.  Where’s Din?  You throw on a long cardigan over your lace trimmed sleep set and grab your keys, padding downstairs.  Opening the door to Mando’s second-floor landing, you hear the thump thump thump of gloves hitting a bag.  Quietly, you walk across the walkway and down the opposing side stairs, coming upon where Din’s working a hanging punching bag.  His shoulders are up, his back muscles tense and glistening with sweat; his gloved fists flying at the bag in consistent intervals, over and over and over, with a force that sends the bag nearly swinging each time.

You don’t know how long Din’s been at this, but judging from his laboured breathing and the beads of perspiration that have rolled down his back, dampening the waistband of his sweatpants, you’re guessing it’s a while.  You can feel his exhaustion rolling off his body in waves from where you stand.  Din’s so hyper focused, you don’t think he’ll even hear you if you call his name, and for a moment, you’re not sure how you’ll get his attention without needlessly startling him; but Din solves the problem for you when you see him pause in his attack, holding the bag still with his gloves and resting this forehead against the leather, breathing tired and shallow.

“Din?” you call out delicately, you’re close enough to him now that you can see the fatigue that lines his face.  It takes you a moment to put a name to the look he gives you, but when you do, your heart nearly shatters.  It’s defeat.  Din’s looking at you, but his eyes are far away, downcast and weary.  His frame, held so tight and tense, droops and deflates as he takes in your figure walking gingerly towards him, as if all the agitation and aggression that he’s been trying to work out over the past few hours simply floats out of his body, along with all his power and determination.  Your big strong man is broken and you don’t know why.

Bringing your hand to his cheek, you exhale with relief when you feel Din lean into your soft touch, eyes closing and face somewhat relaxing; he’s still here, your Din.  Silently, you take his gloved hand with your free one and lead him to the boxing ring.  Using the little stairs tucked into front right corner, you walk up to the raised platform and duck under the ropes to stand in the ring, holding your hand out to Din, beckoning him to join you.  As if in a trance, Din heeds your unspoken request; removing his gloves before meeting you in the middle of the ring, still looking at you with an expression that further breaks your heart – one of failure, resignation.  Holding his face in your hands, you bring it down to yours and press your lips to Din’s – tenderly, warily, so not to spook him.  When Din’s eyes close and you feel him melt against your mouth, you trail your lips to the other parts of him that need your attention. 

Din keeps his eyes closed and uses his remaining energy to mentally track the path of kisses that you lay across his jaw and down his throat.  You dot kisses along his collar bones and over the expanse of his wide chest; flitting out your tongue to taste the saltiness of the sweat that still clings to his hard pecs and his solid midsection.  You squeeze each arm and massage gentle circles over his muscles with your skilled fingers, working down from his flexed biceps to the raised veins of his forearms and ending at his still wrapped hands that you raise to your lips, delicately nipping at his exposed fingertips.  Din revels in your soft fairy-like touch and the heaven of your soft lips against his rough skin.

He opens his eyes only when he feels you slide his sweatpants down past his hips, eyes coming into focus to you see you on your knees before him, cardigan shrugged off to reveal barely there sleepwear that matches the sultry gaze that peers up at him.  Wordlessly, you take him in your mouth.

Hearing Din hiss above you, you work his length gently in your soft mouth, feeling him harden under the efforts of your lips and tongue.  When you feel both his hands come to a gentle resting grip in your hair, you flash a doe-eyed look at him, trying to gauge from his expression what he needs.  What you find is Din, eyes closed and mouth slack – tension and pressure finally evaporated from his body, his face burden free; you hum in pride and vow to suck, lick and tease every last remaining drop of agitation from him.  Rhythmically bobbing your head over Din’s cock, you let him hit the back of your throat repeatedly as you gently fondle his balls with your small hands until you feel them tighten and you hear Din’s heaving breaths above you.  Pulling off of his perfect dick, you see a flash of surprise in Din’s eyes as they snap open; you make sure he’s watching as you dip your hand down your sleep shorts and start to rub your clit through your already drenched panties.

When you see a dark hunger replace the look of surprise on Din’s face, you use your free hand to pull on his wrist so he’ll join you down on the mat.  Mouth latching to yours open mouthed, needy, violent, Din allows you to maneuver his strong frame easily so that he lays beneath you; you shimmy out of your shorts and panties before straddling him, hovering over his already weeping cock.  Normally both so vocal during sex, no words are exchanged between you and Din tonight.  Every question and want expressed only through looks and touch - communicating heart to heart, mind to mind.  When Din removes your top, you realize it’s the first time he’s really touching your body since you came downstairs - his touch is desperate, gripping, tortured.  You let him grab and grope your breasts, waist, stomach, arms, hips and thighs with a fervent need, as if he needs to prove, convince himself that you’re all there. 

Notching him at your entrance, you feel Din’s hand snake up the valley of your breasts and come to a rest around your neck.  Lolling your head back to give him more access, you follow the direction of his firm grip and sink down on Din’s dick; your movements guided by the pressure that Din puts on your neck, letting him pull you down until you’re fully sheathed on his throbbing cock.  Keeping pace with the flex of Din’s fingers on your throat, you bounce – ignoring the sting of pain from having taken him with no prep; no matter – your overstretch walls soon flooded with arousal as your movements quicken and your breaths sharpen, dizzy from your airway being constricted.

Eyes rolling to the back of your head, you ride Din with abandon – there's no dirty talk, praise or degradation tonight, the only sounds echoing off the walls of the empty gym are the urgent slapping of skin on skin and Din’s loud animalistic moans and grunts.  For Din, this is primal, physical, making sure you’re real and that he can touch you, hold you – you’re here, within his grasp.  Safe.

Keeping one hand on your neck, as if tethering you to him via your airway, your lifeline, Din is hypnotized by the sight of you on top of him – pretty tits bouncing, pert and perky.  You’re beautiful.  Perfect.  That you give yourself over to him so readily when you already give him so much fills him to the brim with emotion: you trust him with your heart, your body, your life.  He inches a finger towards the tight ring of your ass, pressing in past the initial resistance and feels your pussy flutter around his cock once he slips in.  Always so willing to take.  Because you trust him.  Love him.

Fuck, he loves you more.

Crying out as you come, you clench down hard on Din’s cock but don’t stop moving, determined to fuck yourself through it; Din follows shortly after, spilling himself to the look of euphoria on your face.

No words are exchanged as you gather your things and lead Din upstairs after turning off the lights in the gym.  And still none when you guide him into the hot shower, washing his tired body under the spray of the water steaming up the bathroom.  Din is barely awake – eyes shut as he lets you wash his hair, only partially registering the soft touch of your fingers against his scalp.  Melting into your sweet kisses to his lips, chest and back, he slips further towards dreamland.

Silent even as you dry him and dress him in a pair of clean pajamas, Din, exhausted from the physical exertion of trying to punch out his frustrations and the mental load of what he learned today, completely dissociates from everything except the warmth of your presence.

Only once he’s laid down on his side of his bed, head already sinking into his pillow and lips tingling from your goodnight kiss does Din speak, “I love you so much, pretty bird.  How will I ever live without you?”

All you can do is smile when you see your hulk of a man finally relaxed enough to drift off towards sleep.  You’re so relieved to have managed to put him to bed that you don’t notice he isn’t utilizing the hypothetical.

Not ‘How would I ever live without you?’ but will.

[psychicreadsgirl]

August 2024 - December 2024: Pick a Pile Reading

Pick one of the piles below. Pick the one that calls to you most. If two piles resonate with you a lot, then you can take a look at the 2 piles. Remember to clear your mind before picking!

Pile #1

Leaving behind the past is the theme of this period for you. You will be saying good-bye to toxicity, including an environment or people. You could perhaps be embarking on a new adventure, possibly travelling abroad, starting a new position/work/school, or even moving to a different neighbourhood or city or country.

You will cut a lot of ties with people. You will also likely form connections and build new friendships during this period. You also have chances of starting a new romance too.

You will lose touch with those that haven't been meaning well to you. That can also cause some backlash for you. There may be rumors about you that are negative but in time the truth will prevail. You may also feel wronged during this time, but as time passes, this won't matter to you anymore and people will see the truth. It's best not to think so much at this time.

Pile #2

You have doubts about some people around you. You feel like you have some backstabbers and you are probably right. During this time you might feel overwhelmed with your job/school/life in general. You will experience a lot of responsibilities during this time and you likely can only trust yourself.

You will feel particularly uncertain about the future during this period. You will likely question whether you made the right choice or even fall into a depressive state. Regardless, you will need to know that sometimes uncertainty is not bad. Some things are out of your control and you know it. You will have to make do with what you have, with the tools in your kit.

You will need to gain more confidence during this period. To do that, you can hone your skills. You can also think of things that you are good at and remind yourself that you're fine.

Pile #3

You are in a waiting period. You seem to be waiting for something to happen or are waiting for some results, perhaps whether you've passed an exam or gotten a promotion. You could even be waiting to reunite with your partner or waiting for an answer to your feelings for some crush.

During this time, you may feel rather bored or tired of your current life. You seem to feel like you can't escape your current situation or move forward. However, this wait is necessary. Sometimes life is like a marathon and you have to push through until you get an answer.

You should continue to work on yourself, including your health. If you are exercising, please make sure to do it in moderation or else you will get hurt.

Pile #4

You and your partner (if you have one) will likely get into some arguments during this period. Most of these arguments will come from misunderstandings so communication is a big must. If you do not have a partner, then you will likely feel misunderstood a lot during this period. You can also get into some arguments with your family. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and cool down.

You will, however, receive some good news in terms of your career/school. If you have been working hard, you will receive the fruits of your labor. If you have been slacking, you will still coast through but not succeed so much. You might be given a promotion or an important project at work. If you're a student, you might get a position at club you wanted, some part-time job/research position, a good grade etc.

Pile #5

You will likely meet someone unexpected during this time. Perhaps this is some reunion. However, you will probably form a new connection that's surprising to you. It may be a lasting friendship that will come for a while or you get reunited with a long lost friend/family member. The meeting will also come rather unexpectedly, probably when you're not looking your best.

You will also have improvements in your health. It could be improvements in your mental/physical health or both. You will also probably be able to continue to lead a more healthy lifestyle and will find ways to manage your stress levels.

During this period you also may become rather busy unexpectedly. This seems to be a period where odd/unexpected things can happen in your life. This can also include learning about bizarre things around you.

Pile #6

You're likely to go through some breakup or some heartbreak during this period. This is a time for you to reflect on yourself and to recharge. You'll feel rather weak during this time and you will need a lot of support from others.

If you do not experience a breakup, you're likely to lose something in your life. It could be death related like with a family/friend or it could be like losing your job or failing school etc or getting ill.

Things from the past may resurface, so if you had done something bad in the past and wasn't criticized for it/caught for it, then this is the time where you'll be judged for your past actions.

You may feel like life is very unfair at this time, but everyone goes through ups and downs. This is more of a down period for you unfortunately. However if you didn't do anything bad in the past, then there'd be nothing to be judged about.

[allisie]

Dating Rick Grimes includes (pt2):

Warning: I loosely follow cannon character personalities.

Part 1, Part 2

You helping to take care of Rick's injuries, no matter the size or severity. This has led to a game of Rick trying to duck you when he gains injuries that he determines to be 'not worth wasting time on'. The game doesn't last too long cause Rick never misses a shared family meal with you, Carl, and Judith, it is right as those meals end, you wrap your legs around Rick's waist to prevent an escape while you take care of him.

Rick is a healthy man, so it is only natural he pulls you to the side for as many quickiess as humanly possible. However, if there is an opportunity where Rick can take his God-given time to re enact all the filthy things he thinks about, Rick will take it. Remember, he is a healthy man in his prime.

Separating from the group and, to a greater extent, Rick is a major, NO in your relationship. The apocalypse is too unpredictable for him in right consciousness to have you alone unprotected. If you fall pregnant, expect to not know peace and quiet at any point. You will NOT be alone. During the last few weeks of your pregnancy, Rick is paranoid. Lori died giving birth to Judith. What if that happens again? What if it's a situation where if a c-section is necessary? What if he has to raise another baby, but this time without your help?

When travelling, Rick makes frequent checks for you, Carl, and Judith. If the group gets separated due to a hoard and Rick loses sight of you three.... It's like he is in overdrive. Everything seems to be pointing him in your direction, but some hoe when he follows them, he gets further away from you. Rick refuses to believe that there is even the smallest of chances that you got bit and might be a walker now.

If you are with Rick and the group when they get ambushed, Rick is brutal and relentless when he fights back. You're attractive, and anyone can see that, so you are commonly the first to get separated from the group. But that isn't what truly sets Rick off. It's the sexual comments they make about you, that is what triggers him the most. No one is to talk about you like that.

You get constant training, as much as Rick doesn't want you in a position where you have to use that training. He would rather you be prepared and not have to use it that be in a life and death situation and need someone else to save you. People are selfish and would save themselves before they save someone else.

Rick always gives you the best quality clothes he can find, often leaving himself with damaged items. So when you find a sewing kit, you try and patch up his clothes because Rick would never accept a clothing item someone else might need more than him.

Rick doing constant perimeter checks cause he is scared a walker will get in and ruin everything.

Rick creating a miniature food and medicine pile for your family, ad much as he loves and trusts the group he understands that if they get over run its everyone for themselves and he NEEDS his family to have the greatest chance of survival. He even teaches you how to grow and care for certain crops, as well as teach you how to deduce which buildings probably have food.

A tearful reconnection if you ever get separated. Rick would be fighting back the tears while checking to make sure you okay. When he gets u back to camp, no one sees you for a while as you and Rick reconnect. For a few days after that, Rick is attached to your hip.

Masterlist

[psychics4unet]

PAC: Discover How Your Future Spouse Will Handle Long-Distance Love! 💌🌍✨

Instructions: Look at the 3 images of the piles below. Choose the pile that you feel most drawn to. Trust your intuition and select the one that resonates with you the most. Once you have made your choice, scroll down to read the description for the pile you selected.

I put a lot of effort into this reading, so please show some love by leaving comments, likes, reblogs, and follow me! ❤️💬✨

Paid psychic reading (7 questions for just $7) is available here:

Pile 1

The cards in this pile are: The Lovers, The Chariot, and The Page of Pentacles.

The Lovers indicates a deep, meaningful connection that will motivate your future spouse to make the relationship work, regardless of the distance 💖. The Chariot shows their determination and drive to overcome obstacles, symbolizing their commitment to making the relationship thrive despite physical separation 🚗✨. The Page of Pentacles suggests they will approach the situation with practicality, focusing on tangible efforts like planning visits or maintaining communication 💼📅.

Together, these cards reveal that your future spouse will handle long-distance relationships with a blend of passion, determination, and practicality. They will be dedicated to making the relationship work and will put in the necessary effort to bridge the gap, ensuring that the bond remains strong.

Love this post? Spread the positive vibes by reblogging with your favorite pile number! Remember to like, comment, and follow me for more tarot insights and spiritual guidance. By sharing this post, you'll invite positive energy from the universe into your life. Let's journey together towards enlightenment and fulfillment!

Pile 2

The cards in this pile are: The Empress, The Hermit, and The Knight of Cups.

The Empress reflects a nurturing and supportive approach, indicating that your future spouse will provide emotional comfort and care even from afar 🌸💞. The Hermit shows that they might take time to reflect and find inner strength, using this period of separation for personal growth and self-discovery 🧘‍♂️🌟. The Knight of Cups suggests they will remain romantic and thoughtful, finding creative ways to express their love and maintain the emotional connection 💌🎁.

These cards together suggest that your future spouse will handle long-distance relationships with a nurturing heart, introspective mindset, and a romantic approach. They will use the separation as an opportunity for growth while keeping the emotional bond strong through thoughtful gestures.

Love this post? Spread the positive vibes by reblogging with your favorite pile number! Remember to like, comment, and follow me for more tarot insights and spiritual guidance. By sharing this post, you'll invite positive energy from the universe into your life. Let's journey together towards enlightenment and fulfillment!

Pile 3

The cards in this pile are: The Fool, The Strength, and The Ten of Pentacles.

The Fool represents a sense of adventure and willingness to embrace the challenges of a long-distance relationship with optimism and openness 🌟🚀. Strength shows that your future spouse will face the distance with courage and resilience, overcoming difficulties with inner strength and determination 💪🦁. The Ten of Pentacles indicates that they view the relationship as something valuable and lasting, with a focus on building a secure and fulfilling future together 🏡💖.

Together, these cards reveal that your future spouse will approach long-distance relationships with a positive outlook, resilience, and a long-term vision. They will be willing to face the challenges with courage and remain focused on creating a stable and happy future together.

Love this post? Spread the positive vibes by reblogging with your favorite pile number! Remember to like, comment, and follow me for more tarot insights and spiritual guidance. By sharing this post, you'll invite positive energy from the universe into your life. Let's journey together towards enlightenment and fulfillment!

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best. Remember to reblog, like, comment, and follow for more cosmic guidance and positivity!

Paid readings (7 questions for just $7) are also available for more in-depth insights and personal guidance! 🌟💫

[stonedcoldfoxtarot]

What’s blocking you? 

Pile 1 -> Pile 2

Pile 3 -> Pile 4

Pile 1

Pile 1, the problem here is that you're stuck in a rut and you're not taking advantage of chances to grow and improve yourself. Instead of dwelling on the past or staying in a dead-end situation, it's time to cut off the dead weight and move forward. Get your finances and your life in order so you can be ready for the next big thing. If you want to advance in your career, start your own business, or freelance, it's time to buckle down and put in the work. 

Don't hold yourself back out of fear or burnout. You're missing out on opportunities that are right in front of you. So, get out there and make things happen! You might even want to network or team up with someone who shares your goals, as this will help you move through blockages even quicker. 

Pile 2

Pile 2, it's time to let go of that old way of thinking or behaving that's only causing you unnecessary stress and burdens. Are you afraid of competition? Or maybe you don't stand up for yourself when others try to take advantage of your kindness? Do you always take on everyone's shift, plan office parties or do all the housework even when you're tired? You're in a one-sided situation, and you're constantly on the wrong side of other people's priorities. 

You need to trust your gut and intuition, especially when it tells you not to trust someone or rethink an unfair situation. Stop blindly trusting others, it'll only cause more issues. To work through what blocks you, practice setting stronger boundaries with others and focus on taking care of yourself for a change. Once you start doing what makes you happy, you'll see major progress in many areas of your life.

Pile 3

Pile 3, what’s holding you back is that you're constantly working too hard and sacrificing too much for others. You're always there for people and feel deeply for their struggles. You might volunteer or donate money to help those who are struggling financially. But, you need to start taking care of yourself too. This pile is similar to pile 2, so you might want to check it out.

Some of you might be stuck in a relationship or situationship that's holding you back. Maybe you're doing everything for someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts. You give and give, but get nothing in return. And while you may see these sacrifices as necessary in order for you and this person to build a life together, this person may be thinking only for themselves. It's time to focus on yourself and become the boss of your own life. You have the power to achieve anything you want, as long as you learn to put yourself first.

Pile 4

Pile 4, you were probably born into a rich family, or you've already achieved success and abundance in your life. But now, you're stuck in a cycle of excess and indulgence. You've already experienced everything that the good life has to offer, and life has been pretty smooth sailing for you so far. 

Maybe you've had everything you've wanted since you were young, or you're able to live off a trust fund or a big inheritance. But, despite having it all, you still feel like something is missing. You might be waiting for the perfect partner, career, or inspiration for your next project, but nothing seems to fit. It's time to stop procrastinating and start taking action. You have what it takes to find the right person or situation for you, but it's up to you to take the first step on your own. You might stumble and make mistakes, but that's okay. Embrace them, learn from them, and they'll lead you to your ideal match in both love and career.

Thanks for reading🔮✨

© 2023 stonedcoldfoxtarot. All rights reserved. Please do not copy, translate, edit or redistribute.

[writing-funsies]

OP characters as besties p.4

p.1 | p.2 | p.3 | p.4 | p.5

characters: Luffy, Sanji, Usopp

warnings: none

notes: all platonic hc's

Luffy

if you thought he couldn't get any more chaotic

oh how wrong you are

either you increase his impulsiveness tenfold

or he drags you along no matter what you say

unintentionally teaches you to not worry about the consequences of your every action

you're definitely the voice of reason between the two of you

he thinks you're the funniest person in the world

and he thinks it's even funnier when you're being serious

will flick you on the forehead

come on, y/n, stop worrying so much

we've gotta find the meat

always snacking together

there's a good chance that if you're hungry, he's hungry

and vice-versa

like everyone else on his crew, he trusts that you can take care of yourself

he won't think twice if you go off on your own

but if he finds out that someone managed to hurt you

oh boy

that person should start writing their will immediately

no one messes with his best friend and gets away with it

if he gets in a spot of trouble

you'll be right there to help him

and if anyone hurts your best friend

rest assured they won't continue breathing for long after you find them

if you're ever upset

he might let you join him on the figurehead of the Sunny

but only for a minute

cause that's his seat

he'll pull his face in funny ways and dance around to cheer you up

will ask Sanji to make you meat

meat always cheers him up

so why wouldn't it do the same for you

7/10

will always take you on an adventure

but won't share his meat with you

Sanji

bonding over cooking

you two working together to create a breath-taking experience for the rest of the crew

admiring beautiful women together

and keeping him in check when he's being too much of a perv

helping him when he gets a really bad nosebleed

fighting together

being back to back

surrounded by enemies

and then destroying every last one of them flawlessly

making fun of that marimo 

tons of inside jokes

that none of the others could ever hope to understand

taking turns to protect the kitchen from your captain

teaching each other new methods to use while cooking

and always experimenting with new techniques and recipes

relaxing after getting your chores done

you two chilling on the deck

listening to the waves splashing against the Sunny

and the sounds of everyone doing their own things

while Brook plays some music to make the evening even more calming

then heading to the kitchen

where you both joke around while effortlessly dancing around each other to create yet another masterpiece for the others

complimenting each other's food

and being each other's taste testers

as well as providing any necessary critiques

nothing harsh

usually just adding a dash more of seasoning or allowing something to cool for a little longer

8/10

has a good heart

but will not be able to help you against an enemy if they're a woman

Usopp

the great Captain Usopp of the Usopp Pirates

will happily tell you all about his home

and the time he spent training

such a softie at heart

loves to see your new projects

whether that be some type of craft

or a weapon

yes anding his stories constantly

and expanding off of his lies to enemies

masters of deception

you're more level-headed than he is in most situations

but he does manage to put on a brave face a lot of the time

scaring him with ghost stories

and booping his nose every chance you get

hyping him up

helping him build up his confidence

he would teach you how to increase the accuracy of your aim using any type of weapon

singing songs together

and silently judging Nami's money habits together

sharing a look whenever anyone does anything stupid around you two

despite there being a 99% chance you two have also done the stupid thing

knowing what the other is saying without having to speak

but also understanding each other's gibberish

being excited to see his new inventions 

fangirling over Franky's projects together

watching each other's backs when fighting

him standing up for you if anyone is mean to you

and you taking down anyone who hurts him

being grumpy together

having afternoon tea where you two just talk shit about anyone who upset you (crew, strangers, and enemies all included)

coming up with nicknames for the entire crew

9/10

a well-rounded individual

but will not hesitate to use you as a human shield

[filmorgue]

L: This building is as big as the HQ

R: Yeah, but i don't know about it being co-ed

L: Hmm, I don't mind it, at least the boys have their own floor plus the 4 out of 6 of us in the same building

R: I guess so. Since we on the subject, would you like to room together. I rather not be in a room by myself with strangers

L: *smirk* I thought you never ask. I was gone to suggest the same

X: I wish their were single rooms but I guess it rooming with you won't be so bad

M: Pfft, I sure I can stomach being around you for a semester. Just know I'm not your maid and make sure your things stay on your side of the room

Xen rolls his eyes clicking his teeth mumbling under his breath. That's when the front door open up next to them

M: Welp, there goes the neighborhood

L: Eww I take every thing back. Being under the same roof as those two brought down the mood

X: Funny cause I feel the same

R: Right as long as they stay out of our way; they're irrelevant

L: *rolls eyes* I guess

R: For now, I need to unpack

They all head upstairs to the designated rooms to unpack before settling down for some much needed TLC.

The group find themselves in the living room conversing amongst themselves until Xen started to feel a little agitated.

X: Uhh, I'm bored. I need to lose some adrenaline

R: Go work out

X: I already did that

M: Maybe play some video games

X: That won't help either

L: Well what do you want to do?

X: I don't know....oh I have an idea. Let's race

All: What?

X: Let's have a race, Its a nice day and some sunlight can do y'all some good

R: No thank you

M: Yeah, I don't like running unless I have to

X: Boo you guys suck. How about you Leona?

L: *smirk* Sure why not

M: Umm Leona I don't think...

X: Aww, what you worried about me beating your sister

M: Pfft, I'm more concern about your ego

X: How little faith you have in me bro

L: Yeah Mack, have some faith in him *smile*

R: I'm definitely not missing this

Mack looks at his sister with a frown. He can tell she is enjoying this too much. And all honesty, he could careless but this what happens when he tries to be the nice guy. The both of them made their way towards the outside with Rhiannon walking behind them. Mack only few steps behind. They line up in the middle of the road. Xen began stretching.

X: Shouldn't you stretch? Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself

L: *laugh* Oh I'll be just fine, trust me

X: Suit yourself

R: *mumbles under her breath* So you're not gone to tell him?

M: Nope. Where's the fun in that?

Xen got into position, ready to take off once Rhiannon gives the word. As for Leona, she just stood there with her hands on her hips

R: Alright. On your mark. Get set. Go!

X: Don't chicken out now

M: *rolls eye* Can you get this over with, I don't want to be out here longer than necessary

L: *yawn* I was trying to give him a head start but fine

She was off at full speed that caught up in no time. Everything seemed like it slowed down. Xen notice someone was on the right of him. He stared at her and she winked back. Thrown off course, he almost lost his footing. All he could do was stare as she made it to the half way point.

After moping, he made his way back to his backstabbing school mates. Rhiannon laughed at the sour look on his face while Mack just shook his head.

M: I tried to warn you

X: That was unfair advantage and you know it. And you didn't think to tell me

R: *shrugs* you didn't ask

L: Woah that was great. Aye I'm always down for a round 2

Xen marched inside the dorms as the peanut gallery laugh behind him

Chapter 7.5 "Unfair Advantage" Filler #1

Lot by amitaliri

Rhiannon @sadraccoon061 Leona and Mack Starnes @invisiblequeen Xen @xstardustbatsx

previous/next

[cepheustarot]

What does fate have in store for you in the near future?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: Here fate will arrange for you to meet a person. It will be an unexpected meeting for you, since a person will literally appear suddenly out of nowhere but from the first days you will feel a strong connection with them, you will get very close to this person, you will open your soul to them, as they will open theirs to you, in general, emotional and personal conversations will be involved here. By themself the person is calm, perhaps they are not very emotional and in some places can behave as if they do not care but in fact it is not so! Person is very sensitive, prone to empathy, they are a good listener and you can say they generally like to listen more than talk. They may also be well versed in psychology or something similar, may have a lot of experience in terms of relationships between people. And although a person is very sensitive, still relies on logic and common sense, not allowing emotions to take over. In general fate organized this meeting for you to help you succeed in some area (mostly in terms of studies, finances, work) or if you had problems then they will help you solve them. It is also necessary for you to find support in it since now you may be in limbo and feel unstable or you constantly have situations that unsettle you.

Pile 2: As I see it this option could be chosen by those who do not feel very well morally, you feel exhausted or you have been depressed lately, you may feel very tired, burnout, stress and all that sort of thing. You may also miss a lot of privacy, being alone and you may feel a lot of pressure from your family or people around you. Here you might not find the opportunity to relax or generally forget to rest because you were immersed in some kind of activity. So here fate, roughly speaking, will "force you" to take a break, perhaps your plans will be interrupted and you will be forced to spend time with yourself. Perhaps your loved ones will leave for other cities, places or will be too busy to meet you or vice versa you will have to leave for some reason.

Pile 3: Here fate will give you a choice that cannot be abandoned, where there will be no third option and you will have to choose from what you have. In particular this choice is associated with some person dear to you, with whom you have known for a long time, communicate closely and in general you can have a very strong connection. It can be your close friend, your lover, your colleague, your partner with whom you work, etc. In particular here you will have to make a choice to continue communicating with this person or not, since your relationship has reached some kind of dead end and is not developing in any way, you may not feel the same warmth on his part, the same interest and it may seem to you that this person has changed. This choice is a turning point in your life or on your life path but in any case, thanks to this situation, you will be able to gain wisdom, become stronger, more experienced — in any case, all this will only be a plus for you even if it is hard or painful at the beginning, then everything will bear fruit in the end.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 🖤

[rambling-madwoman]

Midnight Cinderella Notes

Updated 2/10 ~ I've been going over these & updating. I took out the notes that weren't finished & I'll add them as I do more work. I have notes for my princess character Lettie, Louis whose route I'm doing first, and Byron cause... I like him

The method I use for character notes currently is developing Voice & Demeanor, Values & Motivation, Skills & Weaknesses but there was a lot of overlap so, bullet points.

It feels weird to say spoilers but hey - spoilers for the original content & character, and for a 10+ year old otome game that is no longer on line.

Wysteria & the Capital City

• French coded in game. I don’t think the city they’re in was given a name, just the country. ◦ For lack of a distinct political system I’ve been using “bureaucrat” and “councilman” interchangeably

• Late 18th to mid-19th century, 1780-1850

• Historically heathenism/gallinistic polytheism was the primary religion prior to Bergenian (Roman?) influence and religious conquest. The old practices were masked with Bergenian customs, using the names of saints in place of spirits.

• The outer district of the city has been more or less ignored by Wysterian government for many years. There’s lack of medical care, both urgent & preventative, no support for the only school in the area, etc. Regulations of services and goods have created more barriers for the working class to acquiring or providing them, which also creates higher taxes. Despite this, tax law has not been updated to reflect this change creating further disparity.

Loretta Vachon • Ornery, blunt, more often rude & uninterested than not. Does not suffer fools & people who work with her regularly know this.

• Perpetual cynic physically pained at attempting to be nice, vulnerable, or even just agreeable at times. Cannot go with the flow.

• Knows how much it can hurt to care, but can’t stop herself. Can’t turn her back on anyone in need, even if she’s swearing at them and scolding the entire time. ◦ Of course she doesn’t take care of herself. She’s been taking care of other people for her entire life, hard pressed to find any other reason or justification for her existence.

• Reputation in her district as a witch. Played into rumor and superstition creating a network of trusted clients and protecting herself from bad actors. Knows everyone’s business, medical, spiritual, or otherwise; her home is a meeting place people come and go from, and children still run through despite Theo being off at school. ◦ In a constant battle with Wysterian tax officials. The nature of her work is vague enough they refuse religious exemptions. Her charms, poultices, and carefully named ‘supplements’ can be considered products, not that the office has ever been able to procure any. The fact that she often doesn’t take actual money for her services also complicates things.

◦ Producing traditional medicines with herbs isn’t strictly illegal, but Lettie is at risk of being jailed for practicing medicine illegally without a license. With a lack of adequate care in her community she’s learned how to set broken bones, stitch and treat wounds. ▪ If I tell them to go elsewhere – they do not. They do not have the money, they cannot leave their responsibilities, some of them lack the education – You can look down your nose at me and my work, but you look past the men in this room who have made it necessary.

• Short, heavy dark brows and almond shaped eyes. Their black colors makes them look a little bigger, not that it’s easy to tell when she’s usually glaring or scrutinizing. Long ashy brown hair, but she’s been cutting it herself and the strands are uneven lengths. Upturned nose. Covered in freckles from head to toe. Narrow, lithe build. ◦ Lettie compares herself to an undergrown weed.

Background: Born in the Wysterian countryside, her mother was a ladies maid to the wife of a wealthy Earl. Lettie spent her time looking after their children and her younger brother Theo. When her mother passed, the Earl sent Lettie and Theo away with a sum of money. At twelve, Lettie was aware of her difference of position but had felt more or less that the Earl’s family was hers as well. They left for the nearest city, Theo only six years old. She had little means besides the practices she had learned from her mother. Over several years developing a rapport with neighbors and learning how to address what was lacking in their community Lettie became an instrumental part of it. • Theo was born during his mother’s service to the family, and does look remarkably like the Earl. ◦ Lettie is more bitter about this later, it was an unspoken thing she knew and she should have demanded the Earl take more responsibility after their mother died.

• If asked, Lettie would say she doesn’t even have a father. “My mother pulled me out of a cabbage patch.” She has zero interest in knowing who he is, what happened to him, and her mother never had any interest in telling. ◦ She will take this a step farther and say she’s never been a child either. In a sense this is true with her background, but she means it literally. Shrewd, intimidating witches can’t be children.

Voice: Speaks with working class accent but has a richer vocabulary from growing up in the Earl’s household, and being allowed access to the family’ library. Doesn’t use qualifiers, is always sure before she speaks.

Duke Louis Howard • Cold, distant, bored, & apathetic front. Really he’s entirely cynical, disillusioned, and broken down. Rude, sarcastic bitch. Even defrosted there are some things that don’t change.

• He’s not self hating, beyond thinking himself a coward. He’s more motivated by the fear of letting anything true or genuine slip about him. He does have a sense of humor somewhere in there, it’s just buried and it takes knowing him a long while before he’ll let that slip.

• He doesn’t do anything half assed. Even things he doesn’t want to do. His entire wounded heart is in everything he does from the moment he decides it.

• Background isn’t super clear. He says he was kidnapped maybe. He probably at least feels that way as he just went to bed an orphan and literally woke up in the Duke’s manor. Sid says Louis was “paid for” and the orphanage “sold him off.” But giving money to an orphanage & receiving a child is how adoption works, so… I get the vibe Louis has been in survival mode so long he doesn’t even have a clear narrative of what happened to him anymore. Either way Louis is high key traumatized so I think there is more to it. The world of nobility is cruel sure but my man is having full body responses & projecting his trauma onto a chick he literally just met. What happened to you baby.

• Light and elegant voice, but often flat to the point of monotone. Tendency to mutter that has never been entirely trained out of him. Not very deep but his emotion can become very apparent in it, particularly anger.

• He’s so gorgeous he looks like he was carved from smooth marble, too bad he’s about as stiff as it too. High cheek bones, heart shaped face. Heavy lidded, round bright blue eyes & pretty lashes, but they lend themselves well to glaring. I’m looking at a picture of him and what is his hairstyle? Straight, golden blonde hair that he chronically puts off cutting, so it always ends up hanging in his eyes, the length of it pinned back. There’s a statuesque quality to his body as well, that soft marble sort of look that makes him both chiseled and delicate. The plane of his chest is smooth and firm but his waist has a bit of a curve to it, slight wrists, lean legs. ◦ He doesn’t mind being told his face is pretty, but he actually hates to have his body called pretty, smooth, anything that implies it’s feminine or boyish. Makes him self conscious. (He also can’t grow facial hair, Sid does and won’t let him forget it)

• In a relationship he’s desperate to give the sort of love & protection he needed. He can be gentle & considerate but is never really sweet. He’s moreso firm. Fighting for him & viciously beating back his walls is his love language. ◦ Lettie loves the authentic parts of him that are sarcastic & bitchy. Louis loves how she pokes fun at him and pushes him back when no one else will. He falls in love hard & fast but quickly acquiesces to her presence in his life and his new apparent life goal of protecting her. She falls more carefully & considerably, choosing him every step of the way.

◦ Theo hates Louis, it will take several consistent years of him being a good partner before Theo will like him. “You were rude to my sister and I will be here when you show your true colors again, scoundrel.”

King Byron Wagner • Left brained & logical to a fault, thinks for efficiency & not emotionally. It takes time for him to process emotion, he’s not always aware of how his feelings are impacting him. ◦ Distances himself when troubled, preferring to think his way out of his on his own and not burden others.

◦ Omits details he considers unnecessary. That is to say, any sort of qualifier or explanation that might spare feelings, details that might be important to others but not necessarily him…

• This doesn’t mean he’s cold, he’s averse to being the kind of person his father is and struggles to be cruel if he has to be.

• Curious and interested person by nature, likes to know how things work and why.

• In game I don’t recall a lot of specifics about Byron’s backstory but I don’t know how many there really were. He overthrew his father and that should involve some level of combat at some point, but by what means this actually happened is unclear. He wears an eyepatch sheerly because he hates his resemblance to his father and I hate, hate, hate that trope. So… might hurt him a little, idk :)) Huge missed opportunity not having his father gouge his eye out.

◦ As a king he seeks not to be seen, tends to business quietly and values discretion. Many people in Stein have no idea what he looks like.

• Not a lot of variation in his pitch, speaks evenly and remains composed always. Sometimes very short & quick, Stein is Germany coded. His voice rarely gets away from him, even if he does speak with emotion he’s more likely to be quiet about it.

• Narrow, almond shaped silvery eyes (eye? Not sure how bad I’m gonna fuck him up yet) that don’t portray a lot of emotion. Thin brows that give away more emotion. Straight nose. Square jaw, set and sure. Grinds his teeth, when he’s preoccupied you can see his jaw moving. Sharp, pointed chin. Wispy dark hair, tends to stand up at angles. He would cut his hair to a more appropriate length for a king, but he hates how spiky it looks short. Wide & solid build, but also tall & long. Broad shoulders, wide chest, long legs. Thin fingers, big hands. ◦ While drunk Albert once argued with a suitor of Byron’s when he overheard her saying it was a shame what had happened to Byron’s face when he was so handsome before. “It’s distinguishing! Characteristic! King Byron’s eye patch represents his dedication to this country! It makes him more handsome – if such a thing could even be so!”

• He wants to love but doesn’t know how. The object of his affection is a wonderful and mysterious creature he cannot look away from, but it doesn’t occur to him that they also think of him. Notices the smallest details in his partner & their feelings, but doesn’t seem to notice that he has a direct impact on them as well. Don’t expect him to take hints about it either. ◦ He noticed the slight disappointment in your eyes at the food when he took you out to dinner last week. Rather than ask you directly he’s checked the menu of every restaurant in the city to ensure he will never take you somewhere you could be displeased with again. No it wasn’t hard.

now the question is how many of these fuggers can i bicycle this chick with before i get tired of the dynamic

[solacescastleglow]

Study Tips for Humanities Subjects

The majority of studying tips I see are for subjects where there's a lot of rote memorisation, but what about those ones where you just have to research and write? As a history student in university, all of my subjects involve very little learning through memorisation and almost entirely annotated bibliographies and essays. Where I go to university, that's how the majority of courses are run, and I've got the formula down. So, from someone with a HD/GPA of 6.4/7 (American equivalent 3.71 according to this) who has never used AI, here's some study tips for this kind of subject.

1: Reading

The first paragraph of a text and the first sentence of each paragraph should tell you what it's about. You don't have to fully read all of it, just those parts, then if you think you'll use that paragraph you can read it.

While you're reading, write down the key themes next to the citation in your essay document. That way, you'll remember where to find the references for what you're trying to say.

2: Essays

If your university is anything like mine, you usually get to choose from a list of questions to answer or make up your own question. Remember to go for something that will fit the word count (not too broad, not too narrow), and try to make it something that interests you. If you can't make one up, pick the easiest one. Don't be a hero, it just needs to get done.

Make an essay plan. Trust me it makes writing it sooo much easier. Here's an example I made of what the plan would look like for this post:

For your first draft, don't worry about how it sounds. Just get the ideas out of your head and onto the page. You can even do this with your second, third, etc. drafts. If you count the essay plan as the first draft, you can just build on it. As long as you fix it at some point, you can write informally for however much of the process you want. I find it takes way less time because I'm not just staring at the page wondering how to get it right.

Make the point you're trying to make (based off what you learned in the lectures), then find sources for it. That way you'll actually know what you're looking for in a source.

3: Citing

This one's obvious, but put the links to your sources down before you try to make it look presentable. Formatting comes later.

If you've never done an annotated bibliography before, they can be really helpful, even if they're not required. Not only is it an expanded version of the writing down key themes part of the reading section, but it helps pare down your references to only ones that are necessary. It doesn't have to be formal, and shouldn't be part of your submitted page unless required, but it's a good idea to have one for your own use.

Look up the citation guide for your faculty. I can't count how many times I got points deducted because I had errors in my referencing. Use a tool like CitationMachine if you're not sure, but actually check what it puts out because sometimes it's wrong.

4: Professors

Research your classes and find out who's teaching them before signing up to the class. Last semester I had the worst time because an archaeology professor was teaching a digital curation subject and he had no clue what he was doing. Next semester, I'm taking another digital curation subject, but the professor teaches digital curation, so it'll be so much easier. Where I live, RateMyProfessor doesn't exist, but if it does where you are, pay attention to what people have said about them.

Teaching style matters. Is your professor well prepared? Do they seem passionate about what they're teaching? It's easier to find this out early if you're taking online classes. If their teaching style doesn't gel with you, or they just don't like you for whatever reason, it's ok to drop the class. If you have to take it, adjust your expectations accordingly.

If you're making your own essay question, or really doing anything that isn't what they told you to, check with your professor first to make sure it's ok. You don't need to for the tiniest little things, but it lets them know you value their opinion and care about your academics.

If you have the same professor for multiple subjects, or multiple essays in one course, pay attention to the feedback. Some professors really like things done a certain way. Do they want you to be more specific? More analytical? Do they just really hate a particular word or phrase? Learning from your mistakes can help you not lose those points again.

5: Mindset, Organisation, Routine, etc.

Know your why. Honestly, for a good couple of years there I spent every study day wondering if it was even worth it to keep going. But I love history, and I love museums, and I want to be a part of it. Your reason might be a little less self centred, or it might not (because what's wrong with that?). Either way, that drive can get you through a lot.

That being said, if it sucks that bad, you don't have to do it. You can drop the class if you need to, either for your physical health or your wellbeing. Obviously I'm not suggesting you drop out over an essay being difficult, but in my case, dropping that class with the bad professor would've been a good move. I spent too much time and effort trying to do something I hadn't really been taught how to do, and it really wasn't worth my energy. Unless it's required for your degree, don't worry too much about it.

At the beginning of the semester, look at the percentage each assignment is worth. Act accordingly. Don't put in 100% effort for a 20% assignment (unless you're getting really into it), that's a one way ticket to getting burnt out. There's literally no point spending an extra 12 hours perfecting something that's not worth at least 40%. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done.

Find a study environment that works for you. I like to work with a buddy, whether that's my mum (who's working on her PhD) or an imaginary study group. I need to be somewhere different from where I usually hang out to get focussed (like a cafe or my desk). I need breaks, some people don't. I don't really think there's a single best way to study, as long as you're getting stuff done, it doesn't matter if it's not aesthetic or an approved method. That being said, if making it aesthetic works for you, do that.

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And that's all I have. I'm sure there are more out there, but I've been in academia for a while now and this is what works for me. I know a lot of people are going back to school, so good luck! You got this!