#-my friends dont want to talk to me anymore because of that

[pansyfemme]

i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess

[manda-kat]

I'm so sorry and I know if you're like this it means you have a lot of struggles- but like constantly talking about how much everyone hates you and how terrible and miserable you are and making suicidal jokes every time you talk to someone makes them NOT want to talk to you.

There is such thing as too much personal information and bringing the mood down in every conversation will make people associate you with bad moods. And if someone knows that every time they see you you're going to launch into a speech about how much they must hate you and how you should kill yourself, then they're going to see that as a sign that their presence is actively upsetting you.

You hurt the people around you when you can't keep a handle on what you say. For your own sake you need to change how you interact.

[littlelightfish]

The hearts don't mean he is in love with no one. The problem with English is how vague of the word love is in his meaning. It envolves different kinds of caring in one single word. But I'll try to express here what I mean.

He cares, as a person, about everyone. This is a basic level of love that he haves towards everybody. He doesn't want anyone to actually die, that's what I mean. He doesn't necesarily cares about someone, but he loves them enough to not want them to die.

He starts befriending someone and gets to know it. He starts liking things about them and disliking others. He starts loving this people in another way, we'll call it liking. This is more a get-to-know phase he doesn't always like. The less he knows, the less reasons to get attached get attached he has. I think this are the kind of love the hearts show in the image. He has to make sure to keep a balance between how much he loves and how much he let's himself be loved. He doesn't want to have misunderstandings. He is in constant fear of "what if I made them love me more and they care more?"

And then it comes the deeply care that love is in the non-romantic way. This care a (good) parent has for his babies. The love that makes people suffer emotionally in an absolute different way from what it could be a heartbreak or a misunderstanding between friends. If something happens to the loved one, the pain is unbearable. It's one of the worst things rhat can happen. And Chilchuck knows this, he is father of three daughters, and his wife left him. She left, he knows the pain it is to come home and find it empty when there should be someone. He knows the guilt it comes with failing those loved ones. The shame. He doesn't like being this vulnerable. This love makes him suffer like no other does. So he is very very carefull of how much he allows himself to care about someone so he won't get to love like this.

He draws a line between work and private life because his private life envolves love and deep care, and he doesn't want to love nor care like this for people who's job is to constantly risk their lifes. He doesn't want to feel the anguish, he doesn't want to feel the loneliness it will come after the unenviable separation of the party.

He tries his best to not get attached to people. To not let people get attached to him. But he fails. He fails and falls downstairs with a whole drum set.

He can't help but to care about this people. He can't help but to love this people he's been living with the past few weeks in the risking of their lifes. He tells himself he's doing this for money and that he doesn't care, but he does.

Those hearts don't mean anything other than him caring about them. He cares about Senshi. He cares about Marcille. He cares about Laios. About Itsuzumi. About Namari. He cares in a way that hurts. He loves this people. He doesn't want to even imagine a world in where they are gone, or suffering, or in problems. They're his friends, they're something he, unwillingly, accepts as family.

He cares about Falin and Mickbell because he doesn't want them dead. He doesn't feel any anguish toward if they do or not get hurt after they're out of his sight. Sure, he cares, but he can live without thinking about them the rest of his days. It doesn't happen like that with Laios. He can't just simply let Laios go and follow Fallin just after he recover consciousness from a punch in the gut. Was it Mickbell, he would let him if he really didn't wanted. But Laios didn't wanted to sit and wait, and he had to care. He had to verbalize to himself that he cared. He had to let them know, so they would act accordingly. So they won't get themselves killed like idiots.

He doesn't want others to fall in romantic love with him. He doesn't feel romantic love towards anyone either. He isn't the man for this kind of love. He is, in fact, afraid of it. He doesn't want to fall in love, because he's still in love with his wife. She left him because he was negligent. But since when has this become the definitive stop for love? Chilchuck knows his wife is angry at him, and she has all the reason to be so! His husband, the one she loved and cared for, gets himself in dangerous situations, treats his body poorly and almost never is home. She loves him, and it hurts her to love like this, so she leaves. Like this she won't have to look at him get himself mistreated like he does. She would have the pull in her's stomach that tells her that he could be in great danger, that she could become a widow, but she tries to calm it with his daughter's mail to him. He could never. He can't imagine a world in wich they cease to exist. A world without his wife, even if she distanced herself, without his daughters, would be a world worthless of living. He knows this. Because he cares and he loves in such a deep level that he is scared of loving anyone else like this. To become so vulnerable to emotion. This vulnerable to something bad happening.

The fact that he is so afraid of loosing his wife, even after she left him, says a lot. He still cares about her. He is still in love with her. He wants to go back to what it was before, but he can't and he know its his fault. And he respects his wife's distance because he loves her. Now, he doesn't love her in the movie way, he isnt in love like a teenager would to his first girlfriend, he doesn't want to kiss her, or hug her, or be by her side at all moments of the day. He loves her. He cares about her deeply, deeply enough that he doesn't need to be by her side to care, to love. He also respects her. He can survive without her because he knows she's better with his daughter. For sure he wants to hug, kiss and be by the side of this person he loves, it would be ideal, but he can survive without thinking about it too much. It's just like with his daughters. They're all adults that now live far from him. And he is ok with it now. He sends mail and recieves mail, and even if he misses greatly, he can manage not to think about it. Because he knows she is allright. Because he knows he fucked up. He doesn't know where he fuked up, but for his wife to leave him, at least he knows he did. They never talked about it, because they both seem to have a problem in expressing themselves. She fell into a bad mood and then she disappeared. The amount of pain he must have felt it's... let's say it's quite big.

He keeps his guard up. He doesn't want to love deeply anyone. He doesn't want to feel the emptiness, the hurt, that comes after someone so dear leaves. He knows for a fact he'll be leaving this people. He knows that they could die. If he loves, it will hurt in a way nothing else hurts. He will miss. He doesn't like missing people he cares like this. This is why he doesn't want to love. This is why he doesn't want to be loved. This is why those hearts that are almost full are his main source of concern. This is why he makes the effort to keep this feelings at bay, to love only in the friendly way and with extreme caution.

But he can't controll his own love. And he ends up caring more and more about these people. He slowly makes him a part of the dangerous love zone that family means. He is afraid to confuse someone about his feelings towards them, so he still tries to maintain distance with his abusive remarks, but this only works so far. He loves and is loved. And because of this he will suffer.

I... I extended myself a bit I see...

[caffeinatedopossum]

I kind of hate how just because I don't subscribe to any religion or believe in any specific god, people assume that means that I *disbelieve* in god(s)

I simply don't have much reason to think about whether or not there's a god, besides when I just want to enjoy some good old philosophical/hypothetical thinking or conversations.

Like people will hear I'm not Christian and go "how come you don't believe in god?" like no, no you misunderstand me. I don't NOT believe in god, I just don't believe in *your* god. And if your god is real, then it changes nothing about how I'm going to live my life. The Christian god is an ass and not someone I'm going to worship. I'm just gonna spend my life trying to do good, and if your god doesn't like that, then he's not a very good god, is he?

[st4rstudent]

i feel somewhat responsible for this, even if i’m not the one saying these things. I’m genuinely so sorry.

No need to apologize! It's not one singular person doing it and truth be told I don't think it's a large majority that thinks that (albeit the ones that do are quite vocal). I didn't mean to upset anyone or anything when complaining about it, I was just letting off some steam.

Having a yap session under the cut sorry I feel like rambling under your ask anon.

Admittedly, I do think there are reasonings for people thinking this way. A lot of the focus with Clash has been on the cogs, especially after the 1.3 update. Which I can't say I blame them! Managers were something new and exciting and (from what I can tell) really separated them from the other servers. I don't blame them for wanting to put focus on that because that was their thing. Alongside other things, but majorly when you hear Clash the managers are mentioned in someway shape or form. But as we all know, toons ended up taking the short stick from this. This isn't helped by the gameplay itself, being mainly a fetch-quest deal so you often only talk to npcs once or twice unless if they're repeated ones and the taskline wasn't entirely accessible on the wiki for a while (shoutout to the wiki maintainers. The taskline script is a savior). Which I'm quite excited to see if they deal with this issue with the rewrite. I imagine they will, but anyways. Social media posts would often contain more managers than toons, which I also believe they're starting to fix. And ontop of this, I believe most of the team in the early era of the sever is gone, so there's been some stuff lost in the change. So yeah, dialogue/writing has been kind of rocky. AGAIN- I am completely aware of the rewrite going on and I am not judging them harshly based off of their current state. I'm very appreciative of the fact that they took the time to listen and are focusing on trying to fix it up. And then there's also fandom mischaracterization- especially of the cogs. Forgive me for mentioning mischaracterization because normally I wouldn't really care (I've mischaracterized characters before..especially in my younger years. I think it's just a process of learning an having fun and I hate to limit anyone because of it). With that being said, there's a lot of baby-fying and coddling of the managers. Especially with those who have more 'sympathetic' stories (Misty, Chip, Winston specifically). Don't get me wrong, I like these characters and I can appreciate the story they're trying to tell, but I feel like so many people will hear their dialogue and then misplace their anger. People get mad at Bessie for trying to protect HER lighthouse or at the Elders for trying to keep YOTT safe (lets not forget Winston was there to brainwash toons). Yes, yes technically there would've been better ways to do it but consider this: The toons are scared. Their homes, stores, lives are being taken over by a big corporation that has more resources that they do. They don't have the privilege of waiting, seeing, and gathering. And then people forget that the company has such a huge role in both toons and cogs lives. If you're mad over the mistreatment of Misty or the fact that Winston is still in the dungeon, your anger should be directed at the company who doesn't care. I may be completely wrong in saying this, but I feel like the stories with almost all of the managers is a reflection of the company. The toons are only trying to protect themself and their environments and yet this seems to go forgotten when people start bashing them. And of course, I'd consider myself a toon guy so me saying all this and complaining may come off as "I HATE the cogs and everyone who posts only about them!" and for clarification that's not true. You all know how much I like that little brain thing. The cogs are interesting, their designs are fun, I don't blame people for liking them because I do too. I just wish that the thought process behind so many of these discussions wasn't so cog focused because I believe that this anger at the toons for, RIGHTFULLY, defending themselves helps push this mischaracterization of them as a whole. That they're mean, boring, unlikeable while the opposite is true. Yes there are some, what I'd consider, "filler" dialogue from the shopkeepers. This is just because of the gameplay. But there are some funny and cute moments with them if people would just listen and read.

Which also brings me into another point: people skip the dialogue. I've caught myself doing this before (on my first account. I have 4 accounts total, so I reread the dialogue on like 3 of them). But people will complain about lack of toon personalities while doing this. It's like reading through a comic book, only looking at the drawings, and then complaining because there "isn't a storyline". Luckily, there's been efforts to keep track of the dialogue on the wiki but I doubt a lot of people are going through and reading the entire script. It just feels very disingenuous to criticize the dialogue when you haven't even read it. Likewise, people don't seem to read the blogposts either. This is both from a dialogue aspect and from an update aspect (people continuously asking about hammerspace/mix-and-match under unrelated posts).

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[theood]

I went to no one's mad at you island and all your friends were there and they told me they all love you and could never hate you and they don't mind that sometimes your emotional responses are bigger than the actual problem and they asked where you were. They miss the shape of you in the group and how your laugh and smile and the way you speak weaves the group together. They wanna see you again soon and hope you call.

[butchnavi]

life went forward and the world moved on but I never got over among us (2018)

[autisticlee]

can there be a service for autistic people (maybe even other disabilities too) that's kind of like an aide or helper or assistant, but more of a casual friendly type thing? basically people volunteer to be paired with autistic people who don't have friends and struggle to make them and their job is to be our friend as in go places with us, play games, chat, etc. whatever friends do. but they are contractually obligated to stick with it and not hurt or abandon us, but work with us. maybe invite us to hang out with their friends. we can try different people to see who we best fit with. then maybe that person sticks with one of us and not multiple so they dont play favorites and neglect us or get overwhelmed or something.

it's a volunteer job and they don't get paid because all they're doing is being a friend and doing normal things that doesn't deserve pay lol. why should you get paid to pretend to be someone's friend? do it because you want to support someone who needs you, nit because you think it will be an easy job to make money. and friendship isn't a job. that weeds out people only doing it for money and not trying very hard or quitting when they think it's too hard and abandoning the person they were paired with. and that way it's a free service for us since most of us are poor. but they probably need to get some education as well, and we go over our own specific needs and expectations so they know what we need and expect from them, how to work with us, and what they should expect from us. they could work with counselors so if there are any problems they can't handle and are worried about us, we can get a check in or something. but generally, this would be good for very social and friendly people who like to help others and are open minded, accepting, and kindhearted. (which is getting increasingly hard to find in my experience...)

it would be hard to find the right people, but that's why it's good to have meetups and try to find the right match. because sometimes I think that, even if I dont relate to the neurotypical/allistic/abled people, it might be helpful to have someone who can navigate the social situations for me and let me just follow along and be included in things. someone I can ask to go to a convention with me and they can be my voice and keep me company and lead me, while having fun themselves. or someone who invites me to a party with their friends and let's me mostly ait in their room with their cat, but occasionally step out to listen to their conversation and laugh with them. I can absorb their fun energy and have more fun, feel included, but have the space i need, because they are willing to work with me, support me, and acccept me, my needs, and my boundaries.

other autistic or in general ND and disabled people are cool and all, but when they also struggle like I do, we end up not talking to each other becasue we don't know how or cant. we often don't get along because differences that get in the way ("im autistic and I can do that why don't you just do it too" -a real life example that I experienced) or we cant meet each other's needs or struggle with boundary issues. maybe we both need help and can't help each other. or if the other does help it burns them out so fast they are miserable (like my one friend who always has to speak for me and then shes burnt out for months after and cant even talk to me over text....we used to be so close. now we barely talk 🥲). or they don't want to do the things I want to do, like going out somewhere, and rather watch TV all day when I hate doing that.

it would be nice to have someone to consistently rely on to help me out with doing "normal" things no one else will do with me because i'm too autistic for them, or they are too disabled to deal with me. I know people aren't obligated to be my friend or do things with me. so that's why a "job" for this would be great, so someone IS more obligated to do it. because i'm so incredibly lonely and exhausted and losing my mind over having not a single person to turn to or rely on 🥲

does that make sense?????

[monards]

everytime i find out someone has assumed i had a crush on them because i treat them with (normal) platonic affection i die a little inside. i fear people have unnormalized just being decent and kind a little *too* much

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[faaun]

ok let's catch up quickly

[widevibratobitch]

something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.

[nightfuryblue19]

im mutuals/friends with someone who is friends with someone who made up lies/weird accusations about me and i always wonder if that person told them to try and make me look bad........we dont interact that much anymore so i cant help but wonder if they think im some shithead. shrugs

[annafall]

you know its funny seeing how these past few months have managed to get me to finally understand the depth of some of my traumas

not a vent, but still trigger-happy so ill put it under a read more

so for the longest time, since puberty pretty much, i really had this strong body dysmorphia ick towards sex, "i wouldn't want to engage in sexual intercourse with someone because im disgusted by my body"

but i still had the desire for sex as a whole, which made this stuff really difficult to cope with as you can imagine

fast forward to 2024: ive been on hormones for two years, ive done an absolute shit ton of therapy (6 years at this point, can you believe it?) and im mostly okay with my body! sure there are still things that im unhappy with, but largely im doing well

the sex thing got worse though, especially in the last 7 months

im talking panic rising in my gut at the thought of someone touching me, outright breakdowns when i listen to these rp audios (yanno, asmr stuff, kind of); and I'm finally realising, yeah no, before it wasnt my body that was the problem. the fixation on the body dysmorphia before feels more like a problem of loss of agency again (especially when youre trans and you dont know it yet, having a body that doesnt fit what it should be is honestly traumatizing)

and i think part of why that is is also because of how fucking early it was, if youre 15 you most likely understand whats happening, but as a 9 year old kid? a boy at that? difficult to even make heads or tails of it until youre old enough

[thetisming]

im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it