#benefits them without harming others :3

[caffeinatedopossum]

I kind of hate how just because I don't subscribe to any religion or believe in any specific god, people assume that means that I *disbelieve* in god(s)

I simply don't have much reason to think about whether or not there's a god, besides when I just want to enjoy some good old philosophical/hypothetical thinking or conversations.

Like people will hear I'm not Christian and go "how come you don't believe in god?" like no, no you misunderstand me. I don't NOT believe in god, I just don't believe in *your* god. And if your god is real, then it changes nothing about how I'm going to live my life. The Christian god is an ass and not someone I'm going to worship. I'm just gonna spend my life trying to do good, and if your god doesn't like that, then he's not a very good god, is he?

[heartless-tate]

Just Friends? | Dark Azriel X Freader

Summary: You and Azriel are just friends. Who fuck. Or at least that’s how you see it. So what happens when you find out Azriel sees it completely different?. 🧁 | 2.6k words

A/N: I was feeling spicy today for some dark azzie boo bear. FYI, if you’d like this rewritten with a male reader, please ask!

WARNINGS: NSFW content, p in v?, oral F receiving, choking, murder(not reader), torture(not reader), shadow play, slight angst in beginning, fingering, slight degradation, slight manipulation, reader with she/her pronouns. with a pussy. THIS IS YANDERE CONTENT. ITS DARK AND POSSESSIVE.

The apartment is eerily silent. It’s dark, and shadows seem to liter every surface tonight. The stench of mold and something rotten doesn’t overwhelm your senses much anymore. Living here on this side of Velaris, you think you’re use to it. You didn’t bother turning the lights on. They always left a weird dim and yellow setting. The moonlight rays from the windows were enough light for now.

You stood in the cramped kitchen, in front of the oven. You stared at the cupcakes baking inside. Then at the clock; 3:04 am. You hadn’t been able to sleep and why not bake cupcakes? The inner circle would certainly enjoy them tomorrow. Not to mention it’d give you an excuse to question Rhysand of Azriel’s whereabouts. He always stops by your place at least once every three days. Or around that. It had been a week. You were lonely. And sexually frustrated. It was hard to get off without his long scarred fingers pressing into your skin, holding you close like he might lose you, and his cock pumping into you teasingly slow. Nothing compared to the feeling of it. Of him.

Going from fucking everyday, on almost any surface, to nothing within a week was driving you crazy. You needed it. You needed him. And not just sexually. But he couldn’t find that out. You wonder if you shouldn’t have had sex with him that night. Started whatever this mess was. Friends? Or what was it books called it?

Friends with benefits. You two spent the day time as friends, hanging out, talking, and at night you fucked like rabbits during the mating season. Or any time of the day really. You have had a crush on Azriel ever since you met him. How could you not? He was kind. Different. Quiet. And you both hit it off so easily when Rhysand introduced you to the inner circle. it seemed like he was always there. And if he wasn’t, his shadows were. Sure, you don’t have him as yours. But he was your friend. Your best friend. And that was enough. Or at least you tried to convince yourself that.

And so when he came back from a mission, sweaty and heated up from anger- you couldn’t help but relax and let him take control. You had had a stressful day too. Why not? Why not let your hot bestfriend fuck you senseless? That’s where the downfall was. You were just pity fuck or a way to blow off some steam for him. You see the way he’s always talking to Elain. You satisfied him for now. So you would happily reduce yourself to what felt like a sex toy, waiting for him in your shitty apartment in hopes maybe one day he would return your feelings. And more then ever you hated that you missed him, and not just the sex. You didn’t even have a clue to what day it was.

You approached the calendar on the wall and peered at it. He said he’d be back today. Or yesterday- since it’s 3:06 am now. He lied. Maybe he had found another woman. Jealousy swirled inside of you, ever growing like an invasive species. You slumped back down beside the oven. This was depressing. You felt like some lonely sad and depressed wife waiting for her husband to come home. Except he wasn’t your husband. And this wasn’t his home. And one day he’ll find another woman and you’ll be nothing but a faint memory in his mind.

A shadow scurried to you, dancing excitedly, others surrounded and curiously observed you. You watched as they scattered around your body as if searching for any harm. You paused- his shadows were back. Which meant he was back. And near. The shadow dancing in your face swirled and gently brushed against your cheek as if consoling you. As if it knew you were sad. You heard the door open to your apartment. You stood running to the living room watching as Azriel entered your apartment. He looked so out of place here. He slightly reeked of blood. As if he hadn’t washed it off yet and had just used magic to hide it for now. His hair was tussled and his eyes were oddly alert at this hour. He smirked at seeing you standing so excitedly. More shadows rushed to join the ones dancing around you, as if celebrating you.

You were so happy to see him again! But he was late. And probably was with another woman. You frowned and stepped back slightly.

“Where were you?”You questioned, crossing your arms. The shadows slowed to a lazy swirl. His wings tucked in slightly. He approached.

“Does it matter love? I’m here now.” He whispered cunningly, pulling you in by your hips. His fingers quickly moved underneath the baggy T-shirt of his you were wearing to grip at the flesh of your hips. He smiled at you broadly as if just noticing you were only wearing his shirt and panties. Your eyebrows furrowed. He could scent your arousal.

“I thought we didn’t keep secrets from each other.” You snuffed out. His wings tucked in further, his eyes flashing with darkness for a slight second.

“Do not question me.” He whispered softly. Azriel pulled you in closely nuzzling his cheek against your hair. He flinched when you jerked away angrily. He watched as you started back to the kitchen.

“Fine. It’s whatever. After all we’re just-“

“Don’t you fucking dare say friends, Y/n.” He snarled loudly. A sharp contrast from his before behavior. Before you could respond he was pulling you back, your back hitting his chest. It was like he snapped. His arms wrapped tightly around your center, holding you still as his wings surrounded you both.

“The only reason I’ve been putting up with your fucking friends with benefits bullshit is to give you time to adjust.” Azriel said, hands roaming. It became difficult to focus.

“What? What is that suppose to mean Azriel?”

His hand found it’s way to your clothed cunt, feeling the wet spot on your panties. He snickered. Of course you were turned on. His hard chest pressed into you and you could feel his erection firmly prodding against your back. The size difference between you two was almost unbelievable. You had been turned on since you got lost in thought of him earlier. Since that wet dream you had. You mewled softly as two tendrils of his shadows slither their way under your shirt and rub against your perked nipples. Azriel smirked and kissed your neck slowly. He moved your panties to the side and dipped his finger into your gushing cunt, enjoying the sounds it made. And the ones you made.

You couldn’t help the moans that escaped in response. It felt like you were on fire. Azriel was always capable of reducing you to a moaning incoherent mess within seconds. His long scarred fingers started pumping in and out of you, pressing into the one spot that made you cry out. His other hand grasped your throat and forced your head up to face him. His amber eyes were dark and piercing, a feral look on his face. It was terrifying, and yet you felt your body react differently then your mind did.

“What it means is, this pussy is fucking mine. This body. This mind. You’re fucking mine. You’ve been mine since the day we met. My beautiful foolish mate. I waited for the bond to snap for you, but it hasn’t yet. So when we started fucking, I assumed it would snap for you soon. And I could give you time to grow use to me, to having a lover and someone who cares for you. I know nobody has cared for you in a long while, sweet little thing. I knew you would need time to adjust. But it seems maybe you got the wrong idea. We’re not just friends. We’re mates. You belong to me. I belong to you. There will never be anyone else for us. Just me and you.. for eternity.” He whispered possessively in your ear. His feral smile only seemed to grow, making your own fear- but also pleasure grow? His thumb rubbed at your clit at a breathtaking speed, eyes sharp as they watched you squirm. He refused to let go of you though. Holding you close. You couldn’t process his words clearly. Everything felt too good. Too right. Like you belonged there- in his arms.

“W-wait az-“ you whimpered out trying to jerk your hips from the overwhelming heat building in your core. Azriel didn’t relent, shoving a third finger in you, dragging it slowly against your walls. He started pumping them in, every-time he hit the spot he knew that would make you dumb. The spot he knew would make you cock drunk when he angled his dick to press into it every-time he pumped into you. The shadows twirled and pinched at your nipples, creating a mix of pain and pleasure. They knew you enjoyed it. Azriel knew you did with the way your soaking cunt spasmed. You were close. He could see it in the way your body went limp against him. His hand grasped at your throat more aggressively- cutting off some of your air. His eyes were narrowed as he forced you to look at him. He knew you were close by the foggy and dumb look you gave him.

“Cum on my fingers princess. Make a mess.” Azriel purred sweetly, pressing his hard on into your back for some friction. He smirked knowingly when you cried out silently, hands clawing at his arm that was wrapped around neck. He felt the way your walls tightened, clenching around his fingers and he felt wetness leak around them. He released your throat, letting air back in. You gasped for air desperately. Your cunt was gushing around his fingers, a mixture of wetness and cum dripping drown his scarred hands. You clenched around nothing at the sight as he pulled them away.

“Atta girl. Look at you, making a mess of me hands. Clean it up hun.” He cooed, raising his fingers to your mouth. You obediently opened your mouth, allowing his fingers to be shoved into your mouth. You sucked them, tasting yourself. He groaned at the sight, pressing his erection against you again. Shadows suddenly swarmed around you both, and all of a sudden you were inside of Azriel’s house. Well- one of them. He had a penthouse, and a secluded cabin-house? It was deep in the forest and and secluded with the sense of a cabin but much more bigger and fancier. It had a modern look to it. He kept it secret, as it was a hide away for himself, but he always brought you to it.

He pushed you against his bed, mounting you like a feral animal. Both of your clothes disappeared- except for the shirt of his you had on. It stayed. His shadows swirled around you two. His erection prodded your ass.

Azriel seemed much more animalistic now, as he rutted his erection agaisnt you. His arm wrapped around your waist as he lifted you to him. He pulled you into a long, wet, and sloppy kiss. He nipped your lips until swollen and slightly bloody. And you returned it, happily, forgetting everything else. For now. He pulled away when you tapped his arm, needing air. He stared as you regained your breath.

“You wanna know where I was?” He asked, using his knee to knock your legs wider. His hand reached in between yours, feeling your wetness. He ears twitched at the sound of your soft gasp.

“Y-yes” You stuttered out, rutting into his hand.

“I was hunting down that pathetic excuse of your landlord. After you told me about how he threatened to touch you to make up for your lack of money and the missed payments, I went and found the fucker. I had to go on a mission Rhys sent me on, but I told him to count his days. When I got back, I found him and fucking destroyed that piece of shit.” Azriel growled proudly, taking in the scent of your fear and confusion. “He screamed like a little baby, louder then any other girl I’ve tortured before. I made it hurt. Nobody gets to fucking talk or touch my girl like that. Nobody.” He huffed out, chest puffed up with pride.

Azriel grunted when you shoved him away and scrambled to the headboard. His head titled with confusion. He scented your fear and his ears picked up the sound of your heart beat.

Azriel killed someone. You realized. He killed your landlord. It was hard to wrap your head around it. You knew he wasn’t innocent but the Azriel you knew was soft and kind. Not- not this. He killed someone. For you. Someone died. Because of you. Dread filled your bones. He crawled forward. Straddling your hips before you could move. His naked body in all it’s glory.

“Oh sweet thing, don’t be scared. I would never, ever, harm you. Don’t be afraid of me. I was just protecting you. And your landlord wasn’t just threatening you. He was doing it to other females. It’s okay, princess. He was just getting his deserved consequences. Can you imagine how many woman I could’ve possibly saved from his harm tonight? Don’t be scared of me. You’re safe.” Azriel purred out, wings flared. His cock rested on your stomach. You couldn’t help but relax as his scarred hands slowly spread your thighs. He’s right. Azriel’s always right. Someone could’ve been hurt if it wasn’t for him. He was doing you, and other women a favor. There was no reason you shouldn’t just relax and enjoy this. Him.

He smirked, hooking your legs upon his shoulder. Azriel, rubbed gentle circles in your thigh. He admired your pretty cunt. And then you. In his shirt. Smothered in his scent- inside and outside. In his bed. In his house. Where no one could disturb you. Pussy on display for him. And just him. He moved his hips down before nose diving into your pussy, scenting you. You smelled and tasted divine and your cute yelps and squirms of shock only spurred him on as he lapped at your gushing cunt for more. You tasted divine. Better then he could imagine. His hands held tight, nails leaving crescent moon shapes in the soft flesh of your thighs. Azriel couldn’t help but groan and whimper loudly at your taste. Tongue lapping and lapping like a starved man.

“Azzie!” You squeaked out, hands clutching at his hair, hips rutting into his face. His eyes were stuck on you, staring you down like a lion who had finally caught its favorite mouse. He groaned before pulling away, your wetness dripping down his face. He held eye contact as he licked around his mouth, enjoying your flavor. He grabbed the base of his cock and slapped it against your swollen clit, watching as you squirmed and yelped, sensitive. You were so adorable. His shadows slithered around your body before multiple restrained your limbs down. Leaving you helpless and vulnerable to him.

You relaxed. Azriel would never hurt you. He’s always been there for you. And this is what you wanted- him. And even better- he was your mate. Yours. And you were his. Who cares if he brutally killed your landlord? He was just doing his job as your mate. Protecting you. And plus, you have an excuse to move in with him. You had a feeling you wouldn’t be living this bed for a long, long, time. And as he slowly lined his fat cock with your soaking cunt, you couldn’t help but remember one thing. Your fucking cupcakes.

[samkerrworshipper]

My Masterlist

WIPS

Leah Williamson -

seeing her tonight, it's a bad idea right?

just some friends with benefits smut that’s ends with confessions of love

medication

r stops taking their anxiety medications during the euros finals to get rid of three side effects… but what happens when it seriously effects them on the pitch

let me love you

r struggles after her and leah break up after some drunken kisses with other people… can they mend it all before r’s health is seriously affected?

the call up

when r gets the news notification from the Spanish federation regarding the forced call up the espwnt

safe and sound

r having suicidal thoughts and leah just being there to support them and be there for them

playgirl

friends to lovers smut w cocky as fuck playgirl leah who secretly only has eyes on r

losing

what happens when r loses for the first time?

asthma attacks

what happens when r has a asthma attack whilst Leah’s out for the night?

i will wait for you.

r gets injured in the champions league final and finds herself pushing out everyone, is it to late to make up with the people that matter most?

lost cause

r doesn’t want to do life anymore… leah’s there to make it all better and let her know how loved she is

tourniquet

r struggles with self harm and Leah helps her with it in theee different examples

pain, sweet, pain.

leah’s return from her acl injury is nothing like what she wanted nor expected, but her team are there to help her up when she’s down.

scars and all

leah finds out about her girlfriends past mental health issues

beautiful girl series (leah + jordan as coparents)

part 1 -> close you’re eyes: leah and jordan’s daughter is struggling after their breakup

part 2 -> have no fear: jordan and r have a heart to heart and somethings are revealed

part 3 -> the monsters gone: leah confronts her daughter

part 4 -> she’s on the run: r runs away

part 5 -> and your moms are here: reconciliation

part 6 -> beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl: final part

Lucy Bronze -

mamacita

jersey smut with lucy after winning

daddy?…. sorry

just a little drabble about dom daddy lucy

a shoulder to cry on

lucy is there for r after she has a career shattering injury

euro champs and abs

lucy’s prize for winning the euros

leg shakes and body aches pt.2^

after care for the fic above

epiphany

random grief drabble - more r focused then lucy tbh but if u want a good cry then readdd

Alexia Putellas -

movie night

cheek voyeurism smut with r and alexia at team movie night

lap dance

stripper smut with Alexia after the world cup

on the sidelines

wag Alexia on the sidelines for wnba girlfriend

i remember everything

r struggles with eating disorder… alexis is to absorbed in her own life to notice.. what are th consequences?

the party

songfic based off the song the party & the after party by the weeknd… pure filthy smut

exile

songfic based off the song exile by taylor swift

the last time (pt.2^)

Alexia tries to apologise to r after what happened at the club… another songfic based off the song the last time by taylor swift

between thighs

just a little quickie fic

back between villages

alexia tears her acl.

sugar, baby

u have a little arrangement with la reina

bar-ca

babyfic with newborn alexia and r as parents

rockin’ around the christmas tree

fluffy kidfic with christmas with the putellas’ family

underneath the surface

alexia finds out about your endometriosis

Sam Kerr -

cock blocked

team night with the arsenal girls who r keeping you from being thoroughly fucked by your girlfriend

smut headcanons

just smutty dom headcanons with sammy k

a whore’s punishment

literal smutty porn without plot… that’s it.

concealed

little drabble about sam concealing a strap during a photo shoot

the phone call

based off the scene in the uswnt doc with the different call ups except sam x reader coded

acls

based off sam’s acl injury :(

Katie Mccabe -

nails

katie comes home from ireland camp with a new set of nails and she shows you just how much she can do even without using her hands or

Mapi Leon -

massage therapy

mapi gets injured… reader tries to resolve some of the tension in her body

warmed

cockwarming… that’s about it

las 15

based off of the spanish players boycott pre world cup

Alexia Putellas x Reader x Lucy Bronze -

twos a company, threes a crowd

| pt.1 | pt.2 | pt.3 | pt.4 |

pure filth between my three girlies

Leah Williamson x reader x Lia Wälti -

all yours

just a little friends to lovers angsty fic about lia and leah getting together when the three have always been best friends and r struggling with it

Mapi Leon x Reader x Ingrid Engen -

long distance

touch starved and anxious reader who’s been away from mapi and ingrid for a while and needs a reminder just how much the love her

Vivianne Miedema x Beth Mead -

bad days

Viv has a bad anxiety day… Beth’s there for her no matter what

Kristie Mewis x Sam Kerr -

pinky promise?

little anxiety fic about kristie stressing about meeting Sam’s parents for the first time

wet dream

kristie can’t sleep.. sam has a wet dream..

Lia Wälti x Alexia Putellas -

captains connection

sometiems the captains are the ones who need the most help after games..

auswnt -

togetherness

pt.1 | pt.2 | pt.3

just some tillies angst and fluff

arsenal women -

found family

r goes out in the snow and gets really sick, but is scared to bother their arsenal teammates, two captains show up at their door after them not showing up to training for a few days and help them out and show them just how much the team loves them

homework help

when r moves to england she struggles with the adjustment of new school… arsenal team are there for her though

sticker chart

r and kyra r the pranksters of the team… but what happens when they take it too far and the arsenal parents seperate them as a result

revival

arsenal reader has been struggling more than she’d ever admit.. when it becomes to much she attempts to take her life but her teammates refuse to let her kill herself when she has so much more to live for.

hard times

arsenal reader struggles with PTSD and new year’s eve is a particular struggle… but the arsenal girlies are there for her even if she doesn’t know she needs them

narcotics

reader has a drug problem.. her arsenal teammates help her to realise and overcome it

how did it end?

suicidal ex-arsenal reader who retired after leaving the club

barca women -

suffer in silence

r struggles with self harm after the problems with the spanish federation.. mapi, ingrid, lucy and alexia are there to pick up the broken pieces

exhausted

insomnia reader with concerned alexia

initiation orgy universe

initiation:

pt.1 -> pt.2 -> pt.3

celebrations:

pt.1 -> pt.2 -> pt.3

[beyonsatan]

Here are some REAL astrological tips that I'm not just pulling out my ass and actually learned from reading

1. Aquarius is not ruled by uranus, aquarius is ruled by saturn. When astrologers discovered uranus they borrowed some of the traits of saturn and applied them to uranus because they didnt know what to do with this planet. Having strong uranus influence won't make you feel like an outsider but having a strong saturn influence will. Uranus does not rule "outcasts" or "obstruction" it rules sudden changes which we only associate with aquarius because of their eccentricity and the modern rulership of this sign, aquarius isn't as open to "change" as we would like to think they are, they're a saturn(restrictions) ruled fixed sign, they're more open minded and progressive than capricorn but they're more traditional and less accepting than we think pisces to be.

2. NO planet is unwelcome in the 5th and 11th house. Any personal planets in these houses including mars and saturn, especially the chart ruler is a sign of good fortune, wealth, successful investments and just an easy life in general because these houses are the joy of Venus and Jupiter, harmful planets here become neutralized and instead work to our benefit even with difficult aspects. Ex: Someone with a 5th house saturn might work high paying government jobs or become some kind of authority(saturn) figure sometime within their life.

3. What you've been taught about the north and south node is wrong. The north node is not "underdeveloped traits" The north node represents "increase" while the south node represents decrease, not your comfort zone and this is according to hellenistic and ancient astrology. The north node represents the dragon head while the south node represents its tail. Wherever your north node(the head) is, is where there's an infatuation and/or otherwise increase of energy and experiences, the south node (the tail) is something you abandoned (and shouldnt have) so you could focus on your north node, it's not necessarily something you need to let go of because that's like saying the dragon cut his tail off so he could keep his head lol, the dragon doesn't need to cut his tail at all, his tail is what's helping send him into the right direction because how do you expect him to move without his tail? In this case the south node is something you can rely on to assist you when handling the topics of your north node, that's the whole point. If south node was something that we needed to dismiss or free ourselves from it, there wouldn't be a south node, the south node and north node exist with each other, they HAVE to co-exist

4. I don't really debate about which house system to use when reading your own chart or others but when reading transits, synastry and composite charts, I strongly recommend using WS to make things alot less confusing.

5. The moon is a significator of money in alot of the same ways venus and jupiter are that's why the moon gets exalted in taurus. Moon in Taurus, Pisces, Sagittarius or Libra in the 3rd (house joy), 5th or 11th house is an indicator of wealth.

6. When outer planets transit your cadent houses please don't have a breakdown, planets in cadent houses have the weakest influence within a person's chart.

7. The houses responsible for fame are realistically the 5th, 7th house, 10th and 11th house and everything starts with the 5th house. Explanation: 5th house is the talent you have, the 11th house is your audience, you bring the talents you build upon in the 5th house for the world to see over into the 11th house, the 7th house is your relationship to law and the public, partnerships etc, if you wanna get contracts like a partnership with the NBA or picked to star in a movie, all of this would take place in the 7th house, the 10th house is the brand and image you cultivate after your name gets around from the 7th house, this house talks about your peak, how well did you do? Did you make it big? Planets here, where it's ruler is/and aspects will color all of this. Honorable mention is the 1st house cause the 1st house like the 10th house is angular and says alot about whether eyes are on you, do you get attention, are you an extrovert, are you confident or is building up those kind of things difficult for you, all of this gets answered in the 1st house.

8. Do not let any amateur astrologers gaslight you into thinking that having 8th or 12th house placements make you spiritual, spirituality gets its meaning from the 9th house and the 11th house where jupiter finds joy, planets in the 8th and 12th house is NOT for the weak and I don't mean to sound arrogant, I have 12th house placements and I'm aware that the 12th house doesn't get its meaning from pisces or jupiter, sprutuality is meant to be a good thing, planets in these houses is not a good thing so it is not wise to draw proximity there

9. Both Venus/ Jupiter and it's aspects is an indicator of marriage, the sign they're in, house placement and aspects will tell you more about your spouse (venus if you're attracted to women and jupiter if you're attracted to men)

10. Debilitated or fallen planets are liberated or in accidental dignity when in the angular houses or the 5th and 11th. Yes this counts for retrograde planets as well even tho i don't count retrogrades as a debilitaty. Think of them as having "redemption arcs" like negan from the walking dead, started out evil or In bad condition but it got better real fast or the challenges with that placement are easy to overcome. Ex: aquarius sun in the 1st house, aquarius is obviously debilitated under the sun because the sun and saturn are enemies and aquarius gets overwhelmed by the attention and self expression that comes with the sun but with the sun in the 1st house that luminary becomes apart of you, it's literally influencing your physical body and how you behave, with the sun here you have no trouble expressing yourself and actually like attention, so it's like having a leo rising but alot more intense

[zzencat]

Things To Expect + Advice In August 2024 - PAC

Hey, Teddy! What’s the forecast for August 2024? Where’s the energy headed? What should I expect? Any advice? What should I do?

Deck: deviant moon tarot

TO ENHANCE ACCURACY BEFORE CHOOSING: Clear your mind. Time is now patient and still. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, fill your chest up to the fullest, feel the soft air brush up against the ridges of your nose. Breathe out.

Breathe and choose. From left to right.

———————

Pile 1. Fight or flight?

• there might be a clash of ideas or communication issues. maybe a sucky group project. maybe some sucky friend group issues. maybe family is being a bit of a pain. whatever the drama is, you’re trying to keep out of it. in fact, you’ll be trying to avoid any drama.

• ^^it might bother you in the background, and if you have a leveled head, i suggest you speak up more this month. Stick up for yourselves or other people! This pile feels very introverted to me and keeping peace and harmony is very important for you. But keep in mind that sometimes, doing nothing is more harmful. Use your better judgment for these situations.

• if you have questionable people around you, people who do things you’re not proud of, or are in a bad situation, you’re being called to leave this group behind, find better scenery and connections.

• on the bright side, look forward to making a new friend or new friends this month!! I’m also hearing “stop being a wallflower”

• find those who share similar interests to you. Join online communities, get involved, find clubs, share your findings with others.

• have strength and be courageous! you might think you have no say or no right to speak up, but you do. this is going to unlock a side of you that you didn’t even know you had. You have a voice!!!Please use it!! Good luck pile 1!

——————————

Pile 2. Ehh…meh…feeling like a potato 🥔

• not much tbh. you might be at a standstill in life from trying to figure out what the next thing you want is, making yourself relatively comfortable first. so this month, there’s going to be extra effort going into self-care!!

• ^^ dance or sing when no one’s around!! Get moving!!

• be careful of any scams btw!! you should keep an eye on your belongings or money this month.

• you have dreams, but feel that it might not be the right timing. You could be in a stump. A lot of stagnancy and waiting for something to happen.

• ^^ this might be bothering you a lot, like feeling like you could be doing something better with your life (or with your time or skills). you might think in the back of your mind that life “oh, well. My life is just rotting away, but I’ll just deal with it” *shrugs* — Suggestion: Find a hobby or passion. Find your purpose in life again. Remember: only YOU can give your life meaning. No one else.

• not a lot of traveling. a lot of staying at home and figuring out life and what happens next. you might find your job to be extremely boring and draining, that you could use a break. Be careful not to get too careless or sloppy at work.

• there’s also a sense of laziness or not feeling motivated. An obvious lack of drive. You might make decisions without thinking too much or caring.

• (not my place to armchair-diagnose, but if you struggle with depressive symptoms and you’re not able to get professional help, sharing your thoughts/ideas with friends/family/even fuckin reddit, or writing them out in a journal would benefit you immensely. Just tell somebody. You just need any outlet to let out pent up creativity. Doesn’t even have to be creative—you could scribble something. As long as you’re not directing this self-loathing and pitying energy inwards.)

• a lot of stagnancy in this pile so this is a wake up call for change. Get active, get out there, and do something you actually like!!!! Don’t waste more time. Good luck to you pile 2 👍

——————————

Pile 3. Stop for no one.

• some people here will be going through a break up, but you’ll feel better after it happens. you’re going to leave a very significant thing behind you and move on with confidence. either some of you already saw it or you realized in hindsight that it hand to be done in order for you to move forward

• ^^ this is not exclusively romantic!! some will be cutting ties with friends or even family, but once it happens, you will finally be aligned with your emotions and what your higher self has been craving deep down inside

• it will be a little shitty, but I see some of you smiling!! Trust the process! You’re leaving behind things, people, and qualities that have held you down for so long

• a lot of you guys are taking a risk here, sending someone something, flirting, being honest, but you’re finally going in the direction you want. you’re tired of waiting. lots of doubts, but you’ll make your move and decide to see this to the end.

• you are going to face a lot of realizations (positive and negative) when it comes to other people in August (work, friends, school, potential love partners)

• it’s really up to you this month. stagnancy will lead you nowhere, whereas action will bring you great abundance

• ^^ some of you will receive awards or recognition for your efforts. others will be rewarded great wealth.

• a lot of business moves are prominent in this pile!!! investors, potential business partners and expansion! Be cautious and consider all your moves, but go for it pile 3!

• some of you will lead or have a chance to teach people while in a higher position (ex: a mentor, coach, etc.)

————————-

Teddy note: Hey guys!! I hope you enjoy this pac! I’m starting a self-improvement series (sorta?) and I will be doing these monthly! Rmr to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. Thank you again 😎👍👍

[distortedidentity]

How I forced myself to dissociate, a guide for trans/severiDissociative beings

For me, dissociation has always come in "levels." I think, if I hadn't set things up in the order I did, it would be hard for me to dissociate the way I do now. I want to walk you through those levels, and offer some insight as someone who's been dissociating for 4+ years at the time of writing. Of course, everything on this list will be much easier for you if you're chronologically younger (neuroplasticity), and/or under persistent stress. Though, neither of those things are strictly necessary

For @kenochoricgardens. Supreme yapping below the cut

Derealisation

The first layer is derealisation. For me, the easiest thing to do was always detaching from the world around me. Derealisation is the experience of dissociating from your surroundings. I think it's a good jumping off point. The key to achieving derealisation is looking at how cis beings experience derealisation, and trying to "convince" yourself that you are also experiencing it

Cis beings tend to have a foggy perception of their environment while derealising. Some things I see frequently reported are a slowing/warping of time, muffled/distorted audio, and hazy or "far away" visuals. Some beings say their perception of size and depth skews, others say they feel as if in a "dream" or as if experiencing fiction rather than reality

Of course these are all more metaphors than real physical experiences. It isn't hallucinating, these examples are just meant to illustrate how your perception distorts. Even while derealising, beings are aware that what they're experiencing is a matter of perception, even if they're confused by what is real or fake in the moment

The easiest way I found to convince myself to derealise was by repeating affirmations. I know it sounds corny, but it is an easy way to will your brain into tricking itself. When I first started out, I repeated phrases such as "I am dissociating, this is really it, I'm detaching from my surroundings, what is real?" etc. For me it helped to really lay on that feeling of confusion. While you might not experience genuine derealisation the first time, it's the kind of thing you have to do every so often for it to actually kick in

Depersonalisation

Depersonalisation is the experience of dissociating away from yourself. Your sense of being, your own body, your emotions/thoughts, and even your memories. Cis beings tend to report a disconnect from their body when they look down, or an inability/difficulty to recognise their face in the mirror. They may experience their thoughts, emotions, and/or memories to be much harder to reach than usual, or separate from/"foreign" to them. They may feel numb towards pain, or unable to process it in the way they normally would. Cis beings tend to describe it as perceiving their own experiences from an outsiders point of view

Again, be sure to pull out those affirmations and keep in mind that this is all metaphorical. Some of my affirmations when I was starting out were "who am I? Who's body is this? I can't quite recall what I was thinking.. Are these memories mine?" and similar. I'd also recommend trying to "forget" the fact that you exist. Try to detach from your thoughts and your ability to discern that you are thinking. Try to lose track of your identity perception

Despite the fact that you should really try to layer most of these steps slowly, I do actually think you would benefit from doubling depersonalisation up with derealisation (unless you really only want one or the other). I'd wait until you have a bit more experience with the latter, though. Dp without dr is like a girl without a joystick an angel without it's wings /ref. In my opinion tag teaming your lack of dissociation is an effective way to alleviate it

Dissociative Amnesia

Level 3, dissociative amnesia. Dissociative amnesia is fairly self explanatory. Dissociation based amnesia. It usually happens in order to protect the brain from a harmful event/period. You don't really need steps 1&2 to get here, but it certainly helps.

Dissociative amnesia comes in many different forms. You may not be able to remember specific events, you may not be able to remember larger periods of time. You may even find yourself losing significant memory on the daily if you struggle with persistent stress. It also comes in different intensities. Some beings experience a total wiping of the memory/memories, whereas some beings can retrieve their memories with some effort

Choosing to induce dissociative amnesia is difficult, because it's so context specific. Unlike dp/dr it's not something you can repeat affirmations to whenever. Even if you don't have any particularly negative memories, you could still pick a certain memory/time period and refuse to think about it. Though I will say it's most effective when used as a coping mechanism to avoid bad things, as is any form of dissociation

If you do find yourself remembering, you could berate yourself for it. This was most helpful to me, because it gave my brain something negative to associate with the targeted memories. If you're not looking for a negative experience with dissociation, this might not be the best step for you though

Fragmentation

The final boss of voluntary dissociation, identity fragmentation. I don't really understand this as well as other forms of dissociation, but it describes the breaking down of identity into "parts". CDD systems are famous for it, but people with BPD and singlets with (C)PTSD also experience it to lesser degrees.

In systems, parts tends to look more or less like separate consciousnesses/people with their own wants, needs, and opinions. I'm less educated on BPD and PTSD, but it is my understanding that while fragmented, the parts are more facets of the being they belong to, rather than separate consciousnesses.

While I am fragmented, my fragmentation isn't at the level of cisplurality. I was able to achieve this after a year or so of practicing derealisation, depersonalisation, and dissociative amnesia + repressing aspects of myself. I understand that this seems like a very lengthy process, but I hope that your transition can be quicker with your intention, as mine was accidental.

I started by cutting off parts of myself. I convinced myself that they weren't real, that I wasn't really like that, etc. You could do the same. You could also berate yourself for displaying traits of the part you're looking to dissociate from, though again, this isn't strictly necessary if you're looking to have a non-negative relationship with dissociation. Something that will dramatically increase dissociation between your parts is thinking of them less as "parts", and more as psychological objects separate from you. Or, if you're aiming for plurality, assigning them a completely different identity

Final thoughts

In conclusion, affirm constantly. All brains are capable of dissociation to some degree if placed in the right conditions. I understand how slow and tedious transitioning can be, but over time you will begin to notice changes. If it helps, fake it till you make it, even to yourself. Pretending is another form of affirmation. My biggest piece of advice is to use these tips as coping mechanisms. That's typically what dissociation is. I hope this is useful for you. Good luck with your transition!

[sophie-frm-mars]

Transmisogyny discourse on here has such an annoying shape to it.

Like I know that a bunch of it is just because it's from people who are / have always been very online / don't have much life experience as with all discourses that take on annoying shapes so I've been trying to not get too fixated on it but like,

Okay TMA (Transmisogyny Affected) and TME (Transmisogyny Exempt) are absolutely useful and valuable terms in the discussion of transmisogyny and how it works, because you need to be able to talk about who transmisogyny directly affects in order to talk about it. The much larger group of the total population is TME people, because that's (broadly) all cis people, and transmasculine people. So the majority of transmisogyny is necessarily directed from TME people to TMA people, but it's important to understand that as a social force it is actually directed from everyone towards TMA people. Trans women also engage in and perpetuate transmisogyny, sometimes incredibly vicious and harmful transmisogyny - the point of these terms is to identify the groups relevant to the discussion, not to identify an innocent oppressed class and an oppressor class who does entirely 100% of the social dynamic.

The next annoying part of the discourse is that in talking as if TME people = the transmisogyny doers, we keep winding up at a transfems vs transmascs discourse. This part of the discourse is like 1 part transfems misidentifying where the fight worth fighting is to 5 parts transmascs wanting to talk about ways they're also oppressed to like 20 parts raw transmisogyny. Yes, people who perform masculinity under patriarchy are more respected by partriarchy and get some benefits from that, and this is reflected in the differences between experiences of transmascs and transfems. This will be true everywhere that there is the basic patriarchal binary gender division between masculine (possessing agency, meaningful subjectivity, power) and feminine (being a type of property that belongs to others). Incidentally this is why the dyke butch/femme dichotomy is just there to sell more gender.

Everyone should get to perform their gender in a way that makes them happiest, and the problem is that we live under a patriarchy, which disempowers some people for the ways they perform their gender. I'm getting really basic here because some people on here talk like they need reminding.

The real reason the discourse is annoying though, just like all online discourses are, is because none of it is about how to organise to actually fight transmisogyny - that is, to make things meaningfully better for transmisogyny affected people.

2 years ago in the UK a teenage trans girl, Brianna Ghey, was stabbed to death after a prolonged campaign of transmisogynistic bullying by her classmates that the adults in her school life were absolutely aware of and did nothing about. Her death was the most important thing to every trans person in the UK for a moment, and then the political energy just dissipated without gaining any momentum. This is because organised structures of trans community, protest, politicisation and direct action just weren't there.

3 years ago in the UK a cis woman, Sarah Everard, was murdered by a police officer. There was an organised vigil which was politicised by Sisters Uncut, a feminist direct action group with chapters across london and the UK which had evolved to embrace police abolition over the course of its existence. The police escalated against the vigil and the spectacle of the police crackdown on women mourning the death of a woman murdered by police became a crucial moment in police abolition discourse in the UK. Because Sisters had already been laying down the organisational infrastructure for years, because it had been holding discussions among members and because it had responded to its members needs, it was in a strong enough position to act quickly and make change in the public consciousness. (You can read more about this in Abolition Revolution by Aviah Sarah Day and Shanice Octavia McBean.) If there was an organisation half as well put together as Sisters Uncut present in the trans community in the UK when Brianna Ghey was murdered, the organised response could have done something similar and meaningful.

I wrote a bit here about how trans people could use an assembly-organisation model to achieve meaningful change, but that's just my personal proposal for what would make a difference. The larger point is that discoursing over transmisogyny online, just like all discoursing online, is just shadows on the wall of the cave.

[kkoffin]

Blame the white women that refuse to stop supporting the patriarchy z they're why we're in this mess

blame the Australian natives who were employed to whip their own people to "prevent Aboriginal resistance" blame the Africans who captured and sold their own as slaves blame the Chinese mothers and grandmothers for binding their daughters feet blame the afghan female spies who report any misconduct to police blame African Americans for “committing more crime”

OR

blame the one paying them to whip blame the ones buying the slaves blame the men for paying more for a wife with bound feet, and fathers for treating their daughters as produce blame the Taliban for executing women for showing hair on social media, and paying women to sacrifice others blame systemic oppression for forcing them into poverty, and America's government from profiting off the prison population

No. I will never blame any woman for her oppression. I will always, always blame the men who benefit from it. Women are only doing what they know and have been taught in order to survive.

Also, be honest: “white” has nothing to do with it. You were just scared to say “blame women for patriarchy”. All the examples I provided which are patriarchy-based are non-white women. For more modern examples see: African mothers still taking their daughters to be genitally mutilated (the procedure being done by usually other women), Korean mothers insisting their daughters wear full-body sun-protection suits to "stay young", and insisting on harmful chemicals as "skincare", or botox as a graduation gift, Islamic and orthodox jewish mothers insisting their daughters start dressing "modestly" from the age of 3.

These women do not benefit. They are only doing what they know to survive, and teaching their daughters how to survive. It's learnt helplessness. It's not their fault that they feel they need to do this in order to survive. It's the men who pay for it, profit from it and get sexual pleasure from it - the men who kill women or cause women to suffer without it.

Yes, women need to work their own way out of oppression, but I will never "blame" it on women. I thought we were beyond saying "it's her fault she was raped, she's to blame for the way she was dressed" when the only one to blame for rape is a rapist.

I will encourage any women to stop supporting patriarchy, but no matter what happens she is not to "blame". Every woman is still a victim to patriarchy, even if she participates - she did not create the cage she's decorating.

[bitter-bats-cult-of-the-moon]

What is Toxic Spirituality?

Spirituality is the practice of getting to know yourself better on a deeper level and learning about the world around you.

While this can provide physical, mental, and emotional health benefits, it can also take a turn for the worse. Sometimes spirituality can push harmful messages, toxic positivity, judgment, gaslighting, and cultish behavior.

Nine Toxic Spirituality Habits

1.   Spiritual Bypassing and Toxic Positivity

Spiritual bypassing is when you use spiritual concepts to avoid certain emotions or situations in your life. 

Toxic positivity is when you believe you need to be always positive to gain proper manifestation of your desires.

Suppressing emotions can lead to a buildup of unprocessed thoughts dependent on circumstances, and eventually you will mentally implode.

2.   Spiritual Narcissism

Spiritual narcissism is the belief that your spirituality makes you better than others. It’s the Us vs. Them mentality.  

The stronger your ego identifies with a specific belief the more difficult it will be to see any issues.

3.   Idolizing Spiritual Teachers 

The best teachers are the ones that help connect you to your inner self. Their goal is to act as a guide more so rather than be the ultimate truth. 

The trouble idolizing spiritual mentors is that there will be a point you’re going to disagree, and it will cause cognitive dissonance if you see them for more than they are.

4.   Superstitions and Attachment 

If you heavily rely on spiritual practices, items, and rituals to exist in the world and become solely dependent about superstitious beliefs linked to any of them, you are diminishing yourself.

You don’t need crystals to protect yourself.

You don’t need the wand to draw energy.

You don’t need the cauldron to burn incense or make potions. Although, even I can admit having one makes things more interesting.

5.   Hyper Discipline

I see this a lot. There are those that talk about the importance of discipline in spirituality. Likewise, I see others talk up the importance of flexibility.

Spirituality is a personal experience. If disciplined daily practices or rigid rituals work for you, then great, but if it feels forced reconsider things.

6.   Lack of Discernment

Not every spiritual practice will be right for you. Not everything will resonate. Not every metaphysical concept will ring truth. That’s good. It’s healthy to ask questions and think for yourself.

If you accept without question, you’re allowing yourself to be programmed by external forces becoming conditioned.

7.   Clinging to Truth

What’s true for you may not be true for someone else, and what was true for you last year may no longer be true for you today. 

Our beliefs can change over time as we learn and experience different facets to spirituality. Fighting for the word of truth or standing behind a specific religion promoting acts of war is an act of blasphemy. In that regard, belief and religious culture do not always coincide.

8.   Emotional Hypochondria

It’s possible to become attached to your own healing, making you feel the need to become a better, and better version of yourself.

Always overanalyzing everything will lead to an emotional burnout, and you will be hyper aware of every single feeling.  You will become self-depreciating, and you will be running in a circle like a silly hamster in its wheel going nowhere.

9.   Manic Manifesting

Shut up about manifestation.  I’m tired. It’s everywhere.  Constantly visualizing your desires, parroting affirmations, and trying to control every single frequency makes it feel manic.

Thinking on what you don’t have will make you see less of what you do have, and it is like beating yourself up mentally every day for those things you do not have.

Thinking on it without action is an obsession. The secret was a fun concept for a book, but unless you put it into actual action. There will be no change, Laws of physics, every action has a reaction. Because thinking is more like potential energy, but that still needs an activator. No one is going to miraculously fix things for you. You can do worksheets on what you want every day for the rest of your life, but at the end of your life you will have nothing you want except a pile of worksheets with your hopes and dreams that never happened.        

Diminishing Toxic Spirituality

If you’ve been participating in toxic spirituality, own it and grow from it. Be mindful of your intentions, ask questions, and navigate your experiences.

When something isn’t working you will know it, when you realize that something is wrong, it may have already set you back. When something keeps replaying in your mind, maybe that’s an area to work on. Or delve deeper, but with an analytical mind, rather than one that accepts everything. It’s like eating at a buffet. You can see the chicken is green, you can smell its rancid. But the person with you says it’s good. Are you going to take that at face value and trust them, or make your own choice?

Correct motivations for spirituality, belonging to a group is great. They help people feel connected, and it gives joy to be able to connect. While it is not for everyone, some people see the appeal in it, but as a result can become absorbed into the group and lose their individuality. Their need to be accepted can drive them to poor decision making, at the expense of their autonomy due to peer pressure.

Some go into practice to fuel their ego or have something unique and quirky to talk about. If it’s a fad, it probably isn’t the best idea. If you must run around yelling to your bullies at school, I'm a witch I will curse you. That is likely not the right reason to delve into a spiritual journey. While it may be doing it for your own sense of internal control over an aspect of your life, the journey becomes more about what you have against others, rather than delving within yourself and finding yourself.

Money, Power, Quick fixes. Spirituality and religions offer seemingly quick results with fake promises. Love spells, Churches, Community support. While in theory sounds too good to believe. Often the promises made by various people, groups, and sectors of religion can be very appealing; at times it is used for the profit of the people providing the services.

You would be surprised how many people offer snake oil, or a djinn in a ring for money. To give you all you want. If you are looking for your life to magically be alright, please remember this isn’t a modern fairytale.

Happy endings happen in movies because they can’t fit it all into an 80-minute run. There's character development, there’s ups downs, trials and moments of success and happiness. Without those moments, we don’t really discover who we are. We are more of a hollow once off character in a movie playing a role. We do not find us; we do not create... an Us in such a short time.

It’s best to be yourself, and not part of some collective.

The spiritual journey is yours so do it for yourself.

[darkpetal16]

Hi!! What about some head cannons for underfell gastor?

(Love you and your games!! <3)

Ok!

He’s a narcissistic ass. There is no getting around this. He’s got the ego of a man who’s never been wrong (although he has), and the stubbornness of a bull. He believes he is superior to every other monster and human.

He’s obsessive. When he finds something interesting to him, he will devote himself body, mind, and SOUL to it. Even if it costs him his life and/or sanity to obtain it, that is a price he’s willing to pay.

These attributes are painfully exasperated with the higher his LVL reaches. After reaching double digits, he’ll occasionally dissociate for multiple days in a row. When dissociated, he goes into “autopilot” mode where he focuses entirely on his research without eating or sleeping. It’s difficult to break out of this state. Usually Sans or Papyrus have to help him.

He can be charismatic and suave when the moment suits him. A lot of monsters in the underground have had a crush on him. He can be flirtatious in a way that people think he’s flirting with them. . . But also maybe not? They can’t outright tell but they do know he makes them feel special. When it benefits him.

The ONLY way he will accept a romantic partner is if they are his SOULMATE. He thinks too highly of himself, and loves his research too much to indulge in anything less.

That being said, his father raised him to conduct himself as a gentleman in public. He will be polite and act respectful, even if he’s inwardly complaining and rolling his eyelights.

He does love his family. Family > Science > Himself > Everything else.

As a romantic partner he’s physically affectionate. He won’t be satisfied with simple hand holding but would crave full on lap sitting while working, or prolonged hugs that turn into nuzzles.

He is either your blanket when sleeping, or you are his. There is no in between.

His narcissism prevents him from feeling jealous, but if he sees someone overtly disrespecting the relationship he will turn hostile.

This hostility can also be triggered by you being hurt, emotionally or physically (Goodness gracious if someone actually laid their hands on you . . . Death would be a mercy).

Enjoys spontaneity over planned events. He may gripe about sudden interruptions from his work, but if it’s to spend time with you or his brothers he’ll secretly enjoy it (the exception being during a dissociative episode).

Is absolutely the type to randomly show up at your work / class and whisk you away from a surprise vacation just the two of you.

Will enable you so, so often. Anything short of life-threatening or harming his brothers, you get his stamp of approval. He will actively help you cause chaos if you want. You want to rob a bank? He’ll be your get away driver. You want to go camping? He’ll learn how to forage. You want to put a whoopee cushion under Asgore? He’ll distract for you. You want to build a solar powered motor bike? He’ll drag Sans in and it is getting done this very weekend.

Loves, loves, loves to tease you. Nothing pleases him more than getting a flustered reaction. Even if you wittily respond back, he won’t stop until he can feel the heat from your cheeks when he nuzzles you.

PLAY THE GAME HERE FOR HIS ROMANCE

MASTERLIST

[mamayan]

I would love to see your thoughts on Kurapika 👀 what kind of yandere would he be? I personally think he’s the protective type that wants his darling to be happy despite kidnapping her

Good question Nonnie~

tw: NSFW • Yandere Themes • Toxic Mindset • Manipulation • Isolation • Paranoia • Mentions of Sex

Kurapika is a delusional and paranoid type yandere.

With his strong sense of justice, Kurapika feels wholly disgusted when his feelings of love take a darker turn into obsession and infatuation. So much so that he in fact, simply denies it is happening at all. He will justify every action he makes even if confronted about it.

Leorio or Gon may be the ones who try to talk sense into him, but he truly can’t see anything wrong with his actions. He wasn’t stalking you, he was walking you home… without your knowledge. He never hurt those guys who picked on you, he gave them a stern talking to… after drowning them in their own blood. He believes each and every action is for your benefit, whether you see it or not.

He also views you as incompetent, incapable of caring for yourself properly and therefore in need of him. Kurapika seeks purpose and use, so he finds a darling who can fulfill that or creates a situation in which they do. It’s not hard for a Pro-Hunter to make a regular little civilian’s life miserable and unlivable. He truly doesn’t have to do anything to make your job go up in smoke, your home, your friends and family. He sees it at his right to do so as well, he’s your protector and provider in his mind.

That being said, if his darling is cooperative and responsive, he’s likely the most reasonable type of yandere there is. To reciprocate his love and buy into his strange paranoia, his darling will be given almost as normal as a life as they can hope. Kurapika isn’t jealous of others, he’s worried they’ll harm you. He’s worried he’ll lose you most of all, so if you willingly stick close, reassure him, then he’s as close to a normal lover as you can get with a yandere.

The opposite remains true too though, because if his darling doesn’t give in, if they fight back at every turn? He becomes almost manic with stress and is likely to have a mental break. If your constant pushing throws him over the edge, he’s likely to snap and just imprison you. Take you into a basement and lock you up until you break. It’s easier if you’re compliant, and it will make his heart ache, but he’s a stubborn man and is willing to make that sacrifice for your safety.

Kurapika does draw the line at physically harming you. He’s a gentle lover through and through, and even sex with him is as such. He’s a service top at best, a switch leaning most of the time. If he trusts you, he’ll give up control for you if you’re being intimate. He likes you on top, riding him, because it feels like you want him all to yourself like that. He also enjoys sitting up with you in his lap too, the intimacy so much deeper for him and his cock inside of you. He’s also a hand holder, whether it’s with him on top or while you ride him and he offers his hand as a stabilizer for you to bounce easier. Either way, he likes holding your hand.

As a yandere, I’d say Kurapika falls under a 3/10 in the danger level. He does love you, but he doesn’t trust you either.

Post dividers/@cafekitsune

[alexa-fika]

Delivery for One (Crocodile x gn!pigeon!Reader)

A/N: This could be read as either romantic or platonic more like just not romantic lmao they’re not buddy buddy here. Also I sweat it’s not me it’s the roulette that keeps giving me winged animals.

Pt 2, Pt 3

Doflamingo

Dividers by @/Saradika

Crocodile sighs taking a long drag of his cigar, taping it on the ashtray, eyes glancing upward at the sound of the door opening

“Reader, what took you so long?”

“It wasn’t that long.” they roll their eyes

“Come here and sit.”

Crocodile gestures for Reader to sit in the chair across from him

“You have quite a few deliveries to do this time.”

They raise a brow at him

“You do know I don’t technically work for you, right? Cross guild just happens to be the place that requests deliveries and receives deliveries the most these days.”

Crocodile’s eyes narrow down at Reader sharply

“I am aware of that. Yet you keep coming back. Therefore, you are my associate.”

They scoff

“If it worked like that, every single pirate ship and marine fleet would be my ‘associate’” they said air quoting the words

“I ain't one of your little assassins.”

Crocodile leans back into his chair, folding his arms over his body

“But they do not call for you often, do they? They have no need for you. However, I do. Therefore, I have the right and power to declare you my associate.”

He takes another drag out of his cigar

“Besides, You have become dependent on us. Our connections. This has made you an associate in everything but name.

“Slow down there; first of all, you have no power to declare me anything; I don’t work for you; second, I don’t depend on you or the guild for anything; I have my own connections,” they said, ruffling their feathers, annoyed

“I do have the power to declare you an associate. I do not need your approval. And I can assure you, you do depend on me.”

Crocodile stares them down

“You know that without me and the guild, you wouldn’t be getting nearly as many orders to deliver.” He says looking down at his papers

“And another thing, Reader, Be careful with that attitude of yours.”

“That's golden, seeing as you’re the one asking for my services.”

Crocodile clenches his teeth in a tight smile

“Reader.” he starts a warning undertone in his voice

“Hold you’re tongue so we can finish this meeting, or I’ll pulverize it, and your wings will be next” he says glancing at them

They wince at his tone, sighing

“So violent…”

Crocodile’s voice drops to a murmur

“So disrespectful.”

He shifts on his seat, tapping the ashtray

“I am aware of your abilities. The guild has benefited from your ability to find your way like no other, speed and capability to avoid storms, but I am not above teaching you a lesson if you step out of line.”

They scoff

“And what makes you think I would do any deliveries for you or for you if you were to do any harm to me?”

“We both know you need the profit. I’m the one who arranges the routes, determines the price, and who you are delivering for. Without me, you’re nothing but a pigeon carrying letters in the wind.” He casually tells her without missing a beat

“No other locations are as organized as ours. They don’t have the influence or connections that we do. Nor does any other delivery spot have better profit than ours does,” he says, glaring at them

“You’re out of your league, little pigeon. Do not try me. Our connections can easily override and block your connection.”

“Not the entire world is connected to you, Crocodile; I can easily find people out of your reach or against you.”

Crocodile’s smile sharpens

“And can you do that without those precious wings of yours?”

They narrow their eyes at him

“What are you talking about?”

Crocodile grins wickedly

“I’m talking about your abilities. You take them for granted, little pigeon. What about your precious’ connections and places out of my reach’ if I were to destroy your beautiful little wings.” Crocodile pauses, puffing out another cloud of smoke.

“Would you be able to fly then?~”

They grit their teeth

“And you think I would just sit nice and still for you as you do that?”

“A pigeon with no wings cannot fly; therefore, they are easy to hunt and catch. And in that case, I would have a new pet. Which would put a new dynamic to this”

“You’re a work of art, aren’t you? You think I would simply let you do as you want with my wings, with me?”

He sighs, tapping the cigar one last time and leaving it on the ashtray as his body disentegrates

They still, as the man before them, suddenly disappears only to find themselves having to pull their head back to avoid the hooked arm that now enveloped them, the hook dangerously close to their neck; Crocodile situated right behind them, his hand placed right on their wings.

“I don’t like repeating myself. Do not try me, little pigeon, or do you prefer to see those wings of yours turn into dust right here?”

They remain quiet until an agonizing feeling starts growing on their wings as he begins to activate his devil fruit

“Well? Did my choice of words scare you? What a shame.” He drawls

“Now enough chit-chat, Sit down, shut up, and listen. You know how I work. Are your ears listening to my words now, or do your wings need some dusting?”

“They are” they sneer

“That’s more like it,” Crocodile scoffs, releasing them

They glare at him as they stumble as they suddenly let go

“What a gentleman,” they grumble

Crocodile chuckles

“What a pain in the ass.”

“But I gotta admit, you’re the quickest, cleverest, and most reliable delivery person in the business.”

“And yet you threatened your best carrier like that?”

“And yet you talk back at the person in charge of your jobs like that?”

Crocodile said sharply

“I don’t work for you,” they mutter

“But yet you still do my jobs,” Crocodile says, leaning back in his chair again and taking another drag of his cigar.

“If you leave, I take your wings; we already established this.”

They groan

“What an ass.”

Crocodile chuckles

“You have a foul mouth, pigeon. Will you take the delivery or lose your wings?”

“Just tell me where you want it to go.”

What we think? I feel like it’s missing something but im not sure what, I still think I COOKED, but I missed something, a garnish if you will.

Taglist:

@imaginarydreams

@amethystviolin

[nenelonomh]

knowing when to let go

here are some insights on knowing when to let go. perseverance, though a good quality, can be harmful when you push yourself too far past your limits.

perseverance vs letting go while perseverance has its benefits, it's essential to weigh the costs and potential downsides of continuing. consider whether continuing will lead to incremental learning and development or if it it's causing wasted time and energy.

signs it's time to give up 1. obsession. if a problem consumes your thoughts and affects other aspects of your life, reconsider your reasons for persisting. 2. enjoyment. are you still enjoying the journey, or has it become a burden? 3. health. stubbornly holding on can negatively impact your well-being. 4. better alternatives. sometimes letting go opens doors to better opportunities.

relationships when considering giving up on a relationship: process grief and hurt, let go of resentment, and wish the other person well without needing them in your life. remember to learn from past experiences.

practical steps 1. acknowledge your feelings. recognize and accept your emotions related to what you want to let go of. it’s okay to feel sad, disappointed, or frustrated. 2. identify what you're holding on to. be specific about what you’re trying to release. is it a relationship, a goal, a habit, or a belief? 3. reflect on the why. understand why you’re holding on. Is it fear, attachment, or habit? reflect on whether it serves your best interests. 4. create distance. physically or emotionally distance yourself from the situation. take a break, step back, and gain perspective. 5. practice self-compassion. be kind to yourself. letting go doesn’t mean failure; it’s a courageous choice.

strategies 1. release rituals. write a letter expressing your feelings, then burn or tear it up. visualize releasing what you’re holding onto, like releasing a balloon into the sky. 2. focus on the present and future. redirect your energy toward positive aspects of your life. set new goals or explore new interests.

final note i hope this post was helpful! ❤️ nene

image source: pinterest

[immoralimmortals]

Thank you for answering my burning character analysis question! I have tons more :D can you tell me about your thought process when you were writing each of the Akatsuki and how you put them together and how their personalities reflect in canon? Hugs

Oh...this is such a big question. I'll do my best! Answers under the cut <3

Honestly a big thing for me is to try to incorporate their actual way of speaking in my head? I try to notice the way they talk, and I think that's a big step into making them more convincing. I reblogged something before that's like...the best advice for writing, ever. Ask less "if" they'd do it and more "how" they'd do it. How, if you want something to happen, would this action be carried out by this character? I think this opens a lot of avenues for the imagination and helps make the story more fun. If you incorporate their manner of speaking, that's a big step into making the character believable (points in favor of you executing the "how")

For specific characters...here's some ideas I got in mind.

Itachi is a walking dead man. He knows he's dying. The thing that drives him is the execution of how he will die. So he keeps moving forward, at least so that how he passes on is the way it's meant to be. I think that makes it hard to enjoy life. I think he still treasures it-- i think he loves the little things like a sip of hot tea, a breeze in the air, the way someone smiles...but he's not exactly a thrill seeker. He doesn't go out of his way to enjoy things, especially if they're more outgoing in nature, unless it's to benefit someone he cares about. When it comes to said someones...he feels a great sense of responsibility. He's very subdued and doesn't intervene often, especially anything harsher than a suggestion, but when he DOES, it's quite controlling. Hence the whole assumption that using his genjutsu to solve problems being the right thing to do without their consent.

He's reflective, he's passive, he's tired...but he has very strong ideals that will cause him to act.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Kisame is a lot like Itachi in the sense that he's very understanding of receiving a poor fate based on his actions. However, it's like Itachi has a 100% assurance about life while Kisame still wavers. He has strong ideals, very much so, and he acts very surely...but he has trouble thinking of himself positively outside of how well he fights. Truth is very important to him, and I think he's always second guessing others' intents. Not always in the direction of "theyre treacherous liars", but also "they mean something besides what they say". Double speak, holding back feelings, that kind of thing. I think despite himself he has a strong sense of chivalry-- which I use less here in regards to gender itself and more as a sense of knightship, of gratitude and servitude to those he believes deserves it. He has rough hands and a monster sword; might as well put them to good use and stand between them and the thing that intends to harm.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

First and foremost about Deidara: he behaves as if someone in his life gave him the advice of "it is essential for your brain and health for you to make sure you are doing and learning new things" and he defined his whole existence around it. He WANTS to know more. He wants to learn, experience, he wants to expand his horizons. He isn't afraid of new information, at least not in itself. What's an artist if not also a critic, absorbing all the world has to give in order to reflect it in their work?

I also think of him-- since he's only 19 in the anime-- as someone who must have been a child prodigy, since he's so powerful and (presumably) feared. Here's a quote from chapter 22:

Being lauded as a genius from a young age is both a blessing and a curse for the clay ninja: a blessing because a lack of confidence is worse than slitting your own throat in the shinobi world. A curse…— ...Because Deidara so often forgets he’s hardly had time on this earth at all, at least not compared to his cohorts. You have to be quick on your feet to win the game. And so...he adapts(...)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Sasori is, predictably, the opposite of Deidara in a lot of ways. He's very self assured in the sense that HE is right and YOU are wrong. He's not very assured at all in regards to new information and other viewpoints. I've described him before-- and I mean this in the most loving way I can-- shallow and painfully self-conscious. He isn't good with criticism, isn't good with seriously considering other's conflicting viewpoints, and it takes him a long time or harsh outcomes to make him change his tune about something. I think he's so impatient despite loving the concept of immortality and eternity because he has inflexible criteria for what he's comfortable spending said immortality with. Time is precious. Don't waste his fucking time!

He's a lot more sensitive than he'll ever admit. That's why he's drawn to aesthetics; that's why he's so regretful of having a human heart. That's why he's so controlling over what exists around him.

"...I know how hard it is to try to talk to people,” the singer confesses. “That...it’s easier to deal with what you like and know and can predict, make that last instead of going through the trouble wasting through things you don’t just in hopes of it being better. I want to help!” Her breath hitches at this sudden reveal, but she takes a deep lungful to quickly correct. “I mean...I want it to be... easy for you.” (...) “I found myself wondering, you know? You know good things are eternal. So why is it so easy for you to feel your time is being spent badly? At first it seemed weird to me...but now it makes sense. You want your time well spent, to be full of things you enjoy or can at least tolerate. I get that.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Kakuzu is...a heartbroken man at the core that's built up layers around him to prevent that from ever happening again. I think he's very pragmatic. He looks at the past, sees his mistakes, and tries to move forward. He's halfway between thinking his past self-- before failing his suicide mission-- is an idiot and halfway to wanting to lock that piece of him in a box and protect it forever. It certainly wasn't *right*! ...But it did happen. So what now?

I think his perspective of money is the most factual, realistic conclusion he could come towards about what's reliable and ultimately matters. I don't think of him as a Scrooge type who's greedy for the sake of being greedy. I think he's very mindful of where money goes on a personal scale, the scale of the Akatsuki, and even up to international politics. He can't singlehandedly fix the way the world works, so he instead weaves through it, finds space and finances to make it work.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Hidan is...absolutely fascinating! He decided the logical conclusion of life is to experiment upon himself (see: torture) until he has received immortality. But that's not the reward in itself, no, he FERVENTLY believes in his god and he's right. He believes that slaughter is important and I think the sociological aspect of that is just so interesting. Because you're supposed to slaughter your neighbor. Is this meant as an extension of "don't trust anyone besides yourself"? Is the extinction of the human race the *intended* result? WHY does Jashin want people to die? What's that all for! Huh!

Anyway it really must be a very high tension, radicalizing childhood/life he's had to get him where he is. I think something very important to him is his autonomy. He wants what HE wants and why do YOU get to tell him otherwise? I think this explains why he complains about praying before battle, doing rituals to be forgiven for leaving someone half dead, etc despite being loyal to his faith.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Writing for Konan and Pain/Nagato is going to be really interesting, because a lot of it is going to be me figuring out how I feel about them on a more personal level, interacting emotionally. What I do feel strongly about is that they are both very virtuous, have very strong values. I think you have to in order to do what they're doing.

I think being Konan in particular must be very difficult because I think she is *consciously* very selfless. She isn't a pushover, she isn't uncaring, she doesn't act merely because she has nothing else to do besides what you suggest. She gives herself fully to her role as Pain's angel. How much of yourself do you give away for that? Her own opinions, ideas, wants...she willingly gives it up like she's a saint. Her life's purpose is to carry out the will of whom she perceives as a literal god on earth.

...But that god was once her friend. The body he inhabits is the corpse of the man she fell in love with. I think you HAVE to be broken up over all this, even if you try to put it aside for the greater good.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

I think of Nagato very similarly, in that he's not himself anymore but what he *needs* to be. He's a god. He has to play the role of god. Do things he doesn't want to do, take on responsibilities that perhaps shouldn't be put just on one man. Your autonomy just...whoosh! It's gone. You're an idea now, not a person. You have a goal, that's why you exist. Is it inevitable? Is this the only way he could have made sense of the kind of life he lived? Can someone give this guy a warm blanket and a hug? Holy shit, that's sad.

The flip side is that as a result he's very straightforward and assured. It makes de-personalization from his choices a lot easier.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

I'm going to be honest with you: I haven't fully decided how Zetsu works! I've done extensive roleplay as fusion characters before (think in similar terms as Steven Universe) so I'm not uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the concept. I'm just not...entirely sure...how the concept is carried out? Like if he's always, literally, two people that happen to share a body or if they're one person. The solution in the roleplay I mentioned is that the answer has to be both. So that's how I write him! Sometimes thoughts are from one of them, sometimes thoughts are from another. They, however, have a LOT of common ground and it makes it easy to make him coherent when I write.

Zetsu has such a disconnect from other people. One half has a nearly scientific, detached sort of interest in humans while the other is, as far as I can tell, the personification of hatred for humanity and a desire to start over? I think that makes him a very callous person with a great sense of humor. I also think this makes it very difficult for him to know his feelings when it comes to feeling positively, connectingly towards those around him. Stop that, feelings! I don't like that! Surely what I *really* want is control and to belittle the person! ...Why don't I feel better.

He just stares. There she is, just as he wanted. Scared, desperate, underneath his thumb, remorseful of her actions...and yet. And yet. ...He is not satiated.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Tobi is a caricature of what Obito thinks of his child self, a genre-aware character who he uses to tell the kind of story he thinks life is. He is flagrantly foolish, cheery, useless(?), emotional, and personal. Tobi has all of the traits that Obito thinks he was as a naive kid and turns it up to 11, and THEN he uses the persona to be mean to people. I'm kind of obsessed with it, I think that's hilarious. When I write for him, I constantly think of how he compensates for having a masked face by greatly exaggerating his physical movements and tone of voice. He is, at heart, a performer doing a performance.

Obito himself...so he runs on the assumption that if he succeeds, then everything he's ever done will be justified. Right? I think that results in someone simultaneously so sure of themself while also feeling like he's stepping on nails every step of the way. Something deep in him has to be uncomfortable and hate it. For this reason, as the story develops, I think in the fic he's relieved. He sees purpose in seeing joy and relationships develop when Takara is there because he sees it as a demonstration of sorts. Him learning what it takes to try to make a world worth living in...which is ultimately what he plans to do.

If you want to know anything more specific, do let me know! Thanks for the ask uvu

[csuitebitches]

Book Review: Book 2: The Art of Everyday Assertiveness (a 9-part series by Patrick King, “Be Confident and Fearless.”)

Book one review here.

I found this book had 20% of the content from the first book so I’ve avoided putting the same things again and again in this review.

Forward identifies these overwhelming feelings as the three underlying components in emotional blackmail: fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG).

The four types of blackmail:

1. The punisher’s threat occurs when the victim receives this message from the perpetrator: “Do what I want, or you will suffer negative consequences.”

2. The self-punisher’s threat takes advantage of the victim’s sense of guilt by sending the message, “Do what I want, or I will make myself suffer negative consequences.” Often this scenario includes high drama.

3. Closely related to the self-punisher’s threat is the sufferer’s threat. Rather than the threat of self-harm, the manipulator in this situation says, “Do what I want, or I will suffer negative consequences from the outside.” Consequences are external and not self-inflicted.

4. The final form of emotional blackmail is identified as the tantalizer’s threat. Rather than threatening a negative consequence, the perpetrator sends the message, “Do what I want, and you might enjoy positive consequences.”

-

The key to avoiding victimization is by taking time and learning to recognize feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt. This can be achieved by asking a few very simple questions:

“Am I not asserting myself by my own free will? Is this truly what I want, or is there a reason related to fear, obligation, or guilt?”

“Am I acting out of anxiety or excitement?”

-

Asking for help:

1. Ask and then stop talking.

Don’t follow up your ask with things like “only if you want”, “its up to you” etc.

2. Create a win win.

When asking for something from the other person, ask yourself:

- Are their needs being considered?

- How can this request benefit them?

- Is this a good time to make such a request?

- If the tables were turned, how would I view this request?

3. Make it easy.

Do not expect people to go out of their way in order for you to request a favor. Instead of your natural inclination to hedge with “Can we meet? Only if you have time,” you can substitute it with “Can we meet? Lunch is on me at your favorite sandwich place.” The key here is to make your ask smaller than it needs to be so it will be better received, and easier to squeeze out.

4. Offer clear cut options

if you are asking for someone to watch your dog, offer to take him to their place or let them stay at your place and use your building’s gym facilities while you are out of town. Also, make sure they have a way to say no without feeling guilty in case they cannot or do not want to do what you have asked.

5. Be direct.

Don’t have any ulterior moves. Express the ask as it is in your mind.

6. Be specific

Don’t ask vague, open ended questions. Inform them where they can exactly help you.

7. If someone says no, don’t be disheartened.

-

Types of assertion:

1. Empathic: acknowledge their feelings, appreciate them but be firm with your stance.

2. Consequence: a last resort if someone has made you reach the end of your tolerance. State what they did; how it made you feel; and the consequence of them not apologising/ taking responsibility.

3. Negative feelings: describe their (unwanted/ unjust) behaviour objectively, directly and specifically. Tell them how it impacted your describe your feelings as exactly as you can. State your preferred behaviour. “When you didn’t show up at the date we had planned, I had to cancel our reservations and felt embarrassed and hurt. In the future, could you just call me if you can’t make it?”

4. Discrepancy: when something happens due to a misunderstanding, lack of follow ups or unclear inventions. “I thought we were meeting for coffee at noon. Was I mistaken?”

-

In a 2010 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers analyzed people’s reactions to selfish versus generous actions in a game about rewards. They found that instead of appreciating the generous players, these were actually as equally disliked as the selfish ones. You may have tried taking on the dirty jobs nobody else wants or paying a bar tab at a work party in the hope it would endear you to a group. This is actually likely to have the opposite effect; your extreme generosity makes people just as uncomfortable as the selfish people who make life more difficult or refuse to contribute.

-

University of Notre Dame Researchers in 2011 found that disagreeable employees earned more than their agreeable counterparts. Disagreeable men earned 18% more than agreeable men. Agreeableness is a more socially expected norm in women, but disagreeable women still earned 5% more than the agreeable women, and these agreeable women lagged far behind the disagreeable men.

-

Communication styles: figure out your pattern in order to break it:

1. Passive

- low self esteem

- Dont express opinions or desires

- Avoidant

- Anger can build up quietly over time and then erupt

- Weak eye contact

- Bad posture

- Dont understand their own needs

2. Aggressive

- verbal, physical violence

- Put their own needs before others

- Overbearing

- Intense eye contact

- Poor listeners

- Impulsive

- Criticises 24/7

3. Passive aggressive

- appear to be “fine” but are not fine inside

- Sarcastic often

- Alienate themselves

- Sabotage

4. Assertive

- speaking up for themselves

- Clear

- Direct

- Good listeners

- High self esteem

- Open, relaxed body language

- Can navigate any situation without resentment, anger or loss of control

The passive communicator says, “People walk all over me,” and “No one cares how I feel about this.”

The aggressive communicator says, “I always get what I want—whatever it takes,” and “You’re worthless; you owe me.”

The passive-aggressive communicator says, “That’s fine . . . (That’s what you think),” and “They’ll see what happens to people who cross me.”

The assertive communicator says, “We’re both entitled to respectfully express our opinion,” and “I’m responsible for myself and no one owes me anything.”

-

Before you start to apologize, stop and ask yourself two questions:

“Did I actually do something wrong?”

And if not, “Did I really want to communicate that I think I did?”

If you over apologise, ask yourself:

1. What’s the first reaction you have when someone tells you no?

2. Was advocating on your own behalf off-limits in your family? Was it encouraged?

3. When you were younger, was it acceptable to speak up and share your opinion?

4. What other major experiences shaped your outlook regarding asserting yourself and respecting authority, particularly at the workplace?

-

Confronting a dominant personality doesn’t have to be combative. Simply ask, “Are you open for feedback on this?” If they say yes, which most people will, you can start by saying, “I tend to think of these things from a different perspective.” It keeps the conversation neutral. You’re not attacking their point of view. Instead, you’re just sharing yours.

-

Dr. Beth Polin, an assistant professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University and coauthor of The Art of the Apology, defines an apology as a statement that includes one or more of six components:

1. An expression of regret: This is the actual “I’m sorry” statement.

2. An explanation: This is a clarification of what happened, not a justification.

3. An acknowledgment of responsibility: In other words, owning up to your mistakes.

4. A declaration of repentance: For example, “I truly regret what I did.”

5. An offer of repair: “Maybe I can turn this around.”

6. A request for forgiveness: “I know I messed up, but I’m truly sorry and I’m asking your forgiveness.”

-

Assertiveness action plan:

1. Write down the times in your life where you have not felt assertive (been laughed at, walked all over, taken advantage of, etc)

2. Write down how you reacted (can be good/ bad/ neutral)

3. Write down the healthy response you would’ve given in that situation

4. Write a list of what you should avoid using from your internal dialogue or with other people. Also write a list of phrases that you feel more comfortable with that are also assertive.

- the author has a full schedule/ plan for 26 days on the assertiveness action plan with exercises. I didnt include everything, but i included things that I feel I can do.

[catgirlbussy]

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.