#(shakes you) AM I A BAD PERSON?????
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You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side
#m/cc#mine#I tried extremely hard to word this nicely because I KNOW people don't mean bad and often even know there are unique challenges#and believe me I know the challenges of invisible disability too!!#I have invisible disabilities!#but as someone who has also been at least visibly 'off' since they were 10 I am SO SICK of invisible disabilities being hailed as like#a unique extra oppression that us lucky visibly disabled people don't have to deal with#there are challenges to invisible disabilities that visibly disabled people DON'T have to deal with!#but you need to understand that *the reverse is also true*#there are MASSIVE benefits to being able to lie about your disability for example#or not dealing with the overt ableism that comes with your disability being obvious to everyone#*I do not have the option to pretend I'm not disabled.* that is never an option I have#I walk weirdly. I use a mobility aid now. my speech and face are 'off.' I lean to one side#for a long time I wore sunglasses 24/7 and often didn't make sense. I sometimes can't speak or won't react to others#for the most part people will always know that at the very least something is wrong with me#and more obviously I have people telling me they'll pray for me; telling me I can't do things I'm already in the process of doing;#wanting to shake my hand to tell me I'm an inspiration for not killing myself; giving me dirty looks for existing in public#and yes. I'm aware that this is very much an in-community issue. I know the average abled person doesn't know invisible disabilities exist#that's why there's so much awareness happening for it#but as a visibly disabled person I get SO TIRED of constantly hearing 'I wish my disability was visible :'('#it's just 'I wish I had your disability!' but from other disabled people
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Hi welcome to my very tired rant
#sapiosexuality#sapiosexual#cognisexual#i am SO. TIRED.#idc if we get rep but i DO care if we get BAD rep im gonna bite hollywood's ankle and shake it in my teeth like a dog#lgbtq+#my art#grim rants#PSA#i didnt try very hard for the art because im better with words but also i know peeps pay more attention to doodles#so take a bunch of chibi grims have fun#i made this in an hour dont look at me#demisexual#personally im a panromantic sapiosexual#if you have questions plz ask them#i cant promise ill have all the answers bc everyone's experience is different but i will damn well do my best#clown on this post and i will block you so fucking fast your head will spin
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I don't think I've ever been this reluctant to teach Sunday School in my life, and that's probably because a) I was so burned out by constant and frequent involvement in ministry from my previous church and I'm not over it, a year later, or b) I feel pressured into it. which is bizarre, because it's not like the pastor told me to volunteer. He just asked me three times, because he knew I had leadership experience in ministry, and said they needed people. which. How am I supposed to say no when you tell me there's a need.
#i really really dont want to be involved in children's ministry right now and clearly i am really bad at saying no even when im personally#exhausted in so many ways and in so many areas#it is really hard to shake that 'oh i will volunteer for the x thing you need volunteers for even though im struggling a bit and work mysel#to the bone because that's what i should do' mentality that had me burnt out in the first place#reluctant perhaps is not the best word. cranky. resentful even.#i am so happy to serve in other areas i am just so tired and i dont even know WHY i am so reluctant to teach sunday school
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#ooooof me when i am never the first choice#me when i am never the one someone is really into#me when i get very attached even tho i didn't wanna date him bc he's too young for me#me when now abandonment issues are rearing their head#me when it's literally not his fault at all but now i feel so so bad lol#ooooooof me when i'm gonna cry about it lmaooooo#this is so dumb#no more b you guys he has Met Someone#we were literally never gonna be together like i didn't want to#but he was the first person i was with after f and like#god i do be feeling abandoned and like i'm only good until the next best thing comes along#woof#why am i SHAKING. this is so dumb#why do i get so attached to people#i'm 24 this is teenager behaviour#maybe back to bed#vent
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i need to remake my cup bros refā¦ both cup and human designsā¦ itās been almost a year(?) and iāve developed the headcanons and i would like to share with the class!!! (i wrote thirty tags. Please help me)
#my little hc i kinda showed in the refs but didnāt point out: cupheadās handle appears broken/in human form his ear is halved#cause he has microtia (that also affects the eustachiantube/middle ear). basically i am a HoH cuphead truther#also to add onto that i think he has poor auditory processing issues cause i also see him as AuDHD#double also. while he would use ASL on a bad hearing day i think regularly he also uses home signs to express words/concepts#autism-related btw. itās actually a bit visible in insert cuphead media (to me at least LOL) that cuphead expresses a lot of body language#so not liking conversation oral or signed as well as replacing oral words w home signs is in character. at least to my headcanon whatever#floats your boat!#OH! plus his split upper lip that i draw him with isnāt related to the microtia. he just roughhouses and chipped/tore his lip open when he#was younger#cuphead is also a trans boy. it feels right to me LOL#even back in 2017 when i barely knew the game or also much about trans people i saw cuphead and was like hm. hm!#tbh he just pawned his clothes onto mugman. who iāve also changed my hc for i see him more as bigender than a cis boy now#LOL. i cast bi on mugman. sorry buddy#OH HIM TOO. im so sorry mugsy i have like two headcanons for you ššš#she uses he/she 2 me. i like casting personal parts of myself onto mugman even if i gravitate more towards cuphead/chalice#i see him as a bi ace as well. and a hopeless romantic. i donāt ship uhh i donāt remember what itās called#i donāt ship cala maria X mugman (respect though) cause i see the cups as kids and iām also a hilda X maria shipper LOL#but in the show. i will be real that she is a hopeless romantic. Look at that dork#FORGOT TO MENTION. i am a cuphead aroace truther to my grave. KEEP THAT MUSHY ROMANCE OUT OF MY HIGH SEAS ADVENTURE!!!!#like i said w cuphead before mugman is AuDHD (they share. many genes LMFAO)#however the difference is that they express it in different ways; while cupheadās is more linked to his hearing/social behavior#mugmanās is more related to her emotions. i see it through my headcanon colored glasses that especially in the show mugman has more#meltdowns between the two cups#he has high emotional sensitivity both in positive and negative ways; former as in being strongly attached to cuphead and latter as in#more prone to meltdowns as well as being very literal#which isnāt a bad thing of course. mugman we are shaking hands so hard we are the same#OK thatās all the ones i want to share right now. i also havenāt shared her human or cup design i did but iām workshopping chalice!!!!!!#i am leaving her out intentionally she deserves her own post because i luv her so much#ok post over. twenty minutes dedicated to autism about the twins out of the trio#cuphead
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they should invent a trauma therapy that is instant and takes no time and is not painful at all. in fact it should give you ten orgasms in a row.
#borbtalks#less than 45 hours until my first session with an IFS therapist#and im shaking like a chihuahua that's going to the vet#one thing i am freaked out about: you can't really heal in the same environment you were hurt in#like teehee yeah i don't think they can fix me until im no longer regularly being told that im a horrible mean person who's always wrong#... idk why i said 45 hours i meant 48. 24 x 2 = 48. but it could also be 45 š#all this trauma makes me so fucking stupid 75% of my brain power goes to 'uh oh gotta watch for mommy feeling bad :('#but in every single person around me.
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen#hi guys#got another load of trauma from school#and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now#had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way#I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much#I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM#I have no adults I can go to about this#whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind#whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears#she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly#when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt#the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you#I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her#the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities#I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since#vent tw#trauma tw#listen to my gibberish boy#ggod I hate this school
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Hey this just in? Ptsd sucks balls
#Oversharing on the internet times#Ptsd#-10/10 don't recommend#Ugh#Need my brain scrubbed and shaken out#I would like a new one please and thank you#I promise I won't let this new one be tortured I'll be extra careful#Love how my subconscious has decided that I'm just the worst person on earth all my dreams lately are like#Hey what if you were monstrous? What I'd you personally committed horrific acts against other human beings?#Let's explore that reality in hd#These aren't even the fun nightmares where I can convince myself I'm not seconds from throwing up they were so bad and can decode them#And do dream work with them#Those nightmares always end up having really cool symbolism and are helpful in deeply deeply meaningful ways#I am willing to suffer those nightmares I have made my peace with them it's like a game almost#These ones just shake me up for fucking days and become a never ending spiraling cycle ugh ugh ugh#It's like my intrusive thoughts were made I to a TV show fuck#Me: slightly rude to my gf#My brain: what if you were the same level as evil as rapist#Me: great I'm going to throw up and claw my skin off and have a panic attack thank you brain that was super fucking helpful#The way that my brain is convinced that I'm evil actually is sure is....#Well. It. It seems like my brain learned to abuse myself that it's doing the work of my torturer for her ten years down the line#Mm. Hate that thought a lot actually going#....I was actually going to keep these tags fairly short I wanted this post to be a vague haha ptsd sure is something post and not#Spill my guts in the tags again but what else is new have done this for years so whatever
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Donāt Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean Iām good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like āyeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.ā#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and donāt try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and Iāve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I canāt even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I donāt think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like Iām lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and Iām In The Vicinity. even when theyāre clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I donāt cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything theyāre upset with me for. which isnāt fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I canāt even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. Iām actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and itās not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. Iāve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like āwell. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you wereā.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesnāt make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. Iām not. Iām weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that theyāre generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that theyāre probably right#which is why Iām not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now Iām just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know itās draining to talk to someone who doesnāt accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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yay yippee yay :3 š
#just me hi#making things i will never ever show to anybody: š«š«š„š«š« pfshvbh#you know when you personal-art so hard it could literally be nuclear if anybody saw it. Yeagh kfhsvhjgs#:3 ehehehe [<- pleased]#i love you writing + art combo. i Am giving you a very deep grave though i won't lie <3#//anyway thought i was gonna get flamed today cuz i wouldn't let my mom look at some doobles i had in my sketchbook lmfsvhghs#gay š#but we just went out for snacks and she was just talking about a lot of random stuff lol :) chilling comes out on top yet again šš„#//anyway i gotta do some studies į“.į“ [<- the urge to do it and the desire to Never Ever]#wanna get better at anatomy :/ and shading lmao :/ [<- does not want to do it so bad]#and also backgrounds :// but one step at a time man i don't know what a lighting is lfmvshj#shaking myself by the shoulders like you are GOING to enjoy it at some point it's not the end of enjoyment forever !!#me n mine are going to argue back and forth about it until i finally get it done so [tosses hands in the air]#hopefully i get to it today :) i haven't been trying to do timelapses this past year but maybe i'll do that when i get around to it :>#getting the funk out of the Lagoons means i realized i have been dropping a lot of things i thought were neat over time and i'm tryna pick#them back up lol :3#downside is that where i was dropping things i was picking up anxiety which is Really Cool and Epic#the Most counterintuitive function of the brain i think. doing their best but man it's like putting a rat in a room made of cheese while#it's pouring rain outside and expecting it not to start chowing down lmaoo#//anyway yea!! my things :33#kinda Do want to do studies now Yippee !!! i win yet again ehe >:3#so toodles ciao pop toodles >wĆ³
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watching an ongoing let's play of v3 and they just finished all of kiibo's free times and what they decided to take away from the fifth one is "wooow haha kiibo's a bad person shuichi has terrible taste in friends!! he sees shuichi as beneath him wow he's doing a terrible job being a person he's rude and he sucks that's so funny LOL fuck this guy" i think perhaps i will just stop watching this series :') they had so much great insight about all the characters and the plot but of course not about my fave :') of course they overlook the line where he literally admits that way of thinking was wrong and he wants to start over.... yes he's not perfect of course that was a jerk move but he's trying that's the whole point of his character is that he's learning and wants to learn.... i thought it was rlly funny the roundabout way he admits he was wrong, and how shuichi doesn't even take it badly he just wanted to know why kiibo used to talk to him like that.... but now every time he shows up they're probably just gonna insult him or whatever :')
#kiibo: to think i would feel this gratitude toward you..... my earlier actions were bad i messed up#kiibo: see i thought i could admit my insecurities to someone beneath me that's what i thought when we first met#shuichi: oh that's why he talked to me like that at first#kiibo: i want to form a real friendship with you shuichi as equals#shuichi: ok me too i feel like we have a special bond#them: shake hands#these let's players: WOW SHUICHI HAS AWFUL TASTE IN FRIENDS THIS GUY SUCKS HAHA#i wanted to see them react to ch5 and ch6 but i am kinda completely soured on this series now#they understood gonta so well and treated him and his story w so much respect and understanding#why does everyone hate kiibo so much LOL maybe im just more attached to characers like him than i should be#but it feels like everyone either 1 ignores him completely#2 ignores him completely to infantilize him and call him a sweet innocent baby#3 looks for any opportunity to make him out to be like. irredeemably annoying and a bad person#or 4 says he has 'no personality'#hes just a fucking guyyyyyyyy
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You don't miss me at all.
#and you never will again.#im nothing to you anymore#just a discarded piece of trash#i have no value#i am pathetic#and diagusting#i am unlovable#and alone#i dont see me wanting a place in this world anymore#i have such bad shakes and anxiety#i just#want it to stop#i want to stop feeling things so much and so excruciatingly#i have nwvwr been loved#i will never be loved#the only person i wanted to ever love me was you#you were the only person i cared about ollie#im sorry i couldnt be who you wanted#i tried#im sorry#i just wanted you to love me#mine
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yikes okay I wasn't gonna say anything ab this cause it's honestly petty as fuck but after a dear friend experienced something similar that escalated I am now paranoid so. If someone follows me and I see that they have reblogged from a certain Resident Evil artist, I will block them immediately. It is nothing personal. This certain artist just violated my privacy and trust and I am now scared that because I blocked them they will send followers after me like they did on twitter (which was. SO funny because I am not even on twitter) but yeah uh. PSA I guess?
Edit just to clarify: I am NOT gonna demand that everyone stop following and/or block this person, if you ask me who it is. I will not control you nor who you put on your dash, and I have this person blocked and filtered anyway. The issue isn't that I wanna stop seeing their art, it's that I don't want people who possibly are friends with them to follow me just so they can send me hate like what happened initially, that's all. Obviously if I am following you it's because I trust you not to do that. I'm just saying preemptively, I am blocking new people who rb from them because I don't wanna risk it. Please continue following whatever artists you want I promise I won't care - I will tell you what happened but I'm not starting a callout or whatever and I will never demand people block someone just bc I had a bad interaction with them. etc etc.
#I felt bad blocking some people but I am NOT risking itš#I am genuinely so scared of this person sending drones after me it's not even funny anymore#I see their art and I'm immediately anxious LMAO what's wrong w me#literally shaking as I type this I MIGHT regret saying anything but we'll see#It's such a STUPID thing too#turning rbs off bc I do NOT want people spreading this I am just alerting my followers and mutuals that I will block if I see this artist#mutuals if you rb from them I will politely DM you
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trying to figure out if itās worth it to block someone on discord
#Theyāre in both kotlc servers so I canāt just leave one of them#misinterpreted a message and got fucking slammed but the last message made me 100% sure Iād got them pegged#In my previous response#Nobody defended me either#Radio fucking silence#Already have them blocked in tumblr#ādidnāt think i needed to clarify man. canāt even say i hate straight people anymore. because of woke.ā#<- the last message#Like yes itās my bad sorry you had to clarify for me like most people with decency when theyāre misinterpreted but you didnāt need to slam#Me for it#Granted not many were online which was probably why nobody said shit#Oh kotlc#What a fandom you are#Mod besties could you kick them from the other server I am on my knees I cannot deal with this person again#I cannot be scared to voice my opinions#Theyāve been in the server for days and one conversation shouldnāt have be seething and shaking in my boots ur fourteen but grow up#Iām a minor too and Iām not over here echoing no straights at pride rhetoric
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Using my brain like a metal detector to figure out what the FUCK it wants to do
#*shakes brain* what do you want??? food isnt working acnh isnt working weaving isnt working#im gonna fucking riot#im understimulated but just listening to a video feels OVERstimulating#i get bored & tired two minutes after starting a thing#but i want to do SOMETHING#i was in bed almost all day yesterday b/c i couldnt get myself to do anything else for more than. like. an hour at a time#or maybe less (it felt like less anyway)#i do NOT want to do that again#if my new meds dont do anything to help istg (im not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset)#depressions a bitch and i hate it!!!#im tired but i got a good amount of sleep the past few nights so its not from that??? i know its the Mental Illness but. still#i do NOT want to just take a NAP all DAY i want to DO things when im OFF from WORK#is this what it was like pre-meds??? b/c if so HOW#i legitimately dont remember#personal#jay rambles#mental health cw#depression cw#im. so fucking tired of this shit if the new meds do the thing where it makes things worse for the first few weeks#im still not gonna do anything im just gonna be upset about it. and there's a real chance i wont be able to work full hours#which i cant afford atm#i MADE SURE i had enough food for lung and i havent had half of it b/c i started and my brain went āmm no you're full actuallyā#(i very distinctly am NOT full. but now it has a bad Mouth Feel and im going insane)#(gonna try knitting next to see if that works)#food mention
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there is a whole genre of complaining customer where it's so clear that in their head they are a Crusading Revolutionary who is going to Demand Better from the Systemā¢ļø when actually what they want is to verbally abuse someone who can't fight back bc it makes them feel better
#talking#like when i offer multiple times to escalate your complaint to Someone Who Could Actually Do Something and you refuse#it is extremely transparent what you actually want. and it isnt to fix whatever you're yelling about. it is to yell#like people feel powerless in other areas of their life so they use the customer service dynamic#to manufacture and then immediately abuse some power#while also doing mental gymnastics to get to feel like a beleaguered mistreated hero of the people#and understanding this does not make it any less fight or flight body disintegrating bad when it happens#like I Know Your Game and that you are a bad person but unfortunately person yell = i am shaking
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