#this shit is exhausting i am so so so SICK of y’all

[usoppinggg]

STOP DRAWING USOPP WITH PALE SKIN!!!!!

STOP DRAWING USOPP WITH WAVY HAIR!!!!!

AND FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP WITH THE MINSTREL LIPS!!!!!

[sometimesraven]

Everyone on xitter is fighting over the midnight streaming release and so many people on both sides of the debate are missing the point

Doctor Who was one of the only shows of its kind that survived the cultural capitalist shift to streaming services. There was a real sense of community that came from sitting down in the same approximate place (on the sofa, with family, in front of the TV) at exactly the same time watching exactly the same thing. Sharing your raw reactions and opinions and theories at exactly the same time that millions of others are doing the same. Logging on after the episode and seeing a rush of people doing the same.

Yes, if you missed the episode you had to avoid spoilers, but largely that was easy because you could just avoid social media for that first couple of hours after the episode airs and the spoilers would taper down afterwards and be easier to avoid.

The pressure of HAVING to watch a streamed show all at once and HAVING to get to it ASAP because if you see spoilers it’s YOUR FAULT for not watching it all yet and the spoilers are all staggered because absolutely everyone is watching at a different time— it’s just exhausting.

The main problem with this midnight release shit is this: it’s the beginning of the end. They’re testing the waters. How long before they decide to drop a whole season of DW at once like they do with streaming shows? The community around it will be utterly crippled as DW, like all live tv shows, relies on staggered individual episodes that people have time to digest and think about before the next one.

I’m sick of this consumerist hellscape and the day it takes DW too will fucking end me

((And before any USAmerican twat comes into my notes saying “well you get Disney+ American shows first” I am hitting you with a hammer. DW is not a streaming show. When you get live aired TV shows we have to wait up to a YEAR to get it on any of our streaming services and god knows which one it’ll end up on and if I have that service or not. Y’all have been getting shit way before us for DECADES.))

[decodedlvr]

As long as I’m with You

Steve Harrington x You (short)

Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week

Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~

This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out

Tick tick tick

The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.

It’s a new year, but not a new you.

Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.

Sniff Sniff

“Baby?”

Shit.

“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone

“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”

“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times

Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”

“No.”

“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—

“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame

“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”

“I know baby I know”—

“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—

“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—

“I care” he exhales

“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight

“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”

“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—

Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear

“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch

“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you

“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—

“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts

You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time

“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”

You nod. He tells you all the time

“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”

“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”

“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming

“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—

“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-

“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?

You nod, as he nods with you

“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you’re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—

—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him

“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead

“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—

“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”

..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples

“Head hurt, darling?”

“yes”

“From crying too hard?”

You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”

“luv you—

“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims

“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile

That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.

[vx2006]

finally warm out 3/14/25

omg it was so nice out today. i sat outside in my usual spot, i havent sat there in so long, since last semester. so much has changed since then. half way through the day i got hot and decided to crop my shirt. i’ve never actually worn a crop top out in public before, but it felt cool doing it. i spent a lot of time walking around outside between classes since so many others were out and it was hard to find somewhere to go (i’ll be dammed if i was gonna spend today in that fuck ass studio)

i didn’t see like any of my friends today oddly enough, i usually see atleast one.

i also went out after my classes into the city to see where the venue for my concert is gonna be, and to like, map out the path so i don’t have to figure it out for the first time when it’s the middle of the night and i’m exhausted. if i’m being honest i got lost, so i just ended up wandering around for like 2 hours. it was cool tho being out and about, looking awesome :p

now reflecting, i can’t believe that that was me. like even then when i finally got on the train to go home and i took off my flannel, hat, gloves, and put my shirt back down, just doing that i felt like not the same person. i think cause walking around in a crop top i was in baddie mode the entire time. it HAD to be constantly activated, i could NOT faulter. i was getting looks and shit, even got called a slur, but i don’t care, y’all already KNOW how the haters looked. but when i finally put my stuff down and was able to just relax i was like, damn, that was me?? like that was a whole nother level. i guess i just forget how cool i am. like sometimes i can’t believe that’s actually me, like i CAN be that hot because i AM that hot, and not in a narcissistic way. i just never think about it cause i still feel like, and in a lot of ways i still am, that same person i used to be, when everyone would say shit about me. maybe i just haven’t fully realized how much i’ve changed yet.

my abdomen has never seen so much

[feral-creep]

y’all i just…. AAAAAH

vent about work and creativity and grief incoming

ever since my mom got sick i had to give up my more lucrative “career” day hustle (video editing) and pick up night shifts at a bar. and like. it’s a college dive bar, so the tips are not great.

this particular dive bar is known around the community as the hardest place to work, and the reputation is not for nothin’:

the average server at a normal place has a 4-5 hour shift and covers 3-5 tables. WE, on the other hand, work 10-12 hour shifts with zero mandated breaks and cover 8-10 tables, many of which can seat 8-10 people at a time.

it is exhausting work that has kept me in amazing shape and has kept my sanity during the grieving process… but it’s undeniably hard as fuck.

and i feel like i’m constantly just treading water, not making enough to fully get rid of my credit card debt and move out of this shithole town… i could make so much more money serving in chicago…

yet i’m never working so little as to be able to actually, y’know, write

BUT. but. the job is not why i don’t create as much. the job is not the reason.

the reason is my own dumb brain and my own dumb shame about not being a “responsible” member of society, not being “where i should be” or “where i thought i would be” at 36 years old.

because that concept? it is bullshit. even though my peers who i used to work with in video are all flourishing, it doesn’t matter—they did not have a terminally ill mother living in bumfuck college town of nowheresville, midwaste! so what if they are now getting deals with HBO! that sort of life was maybe never in the cards for dirtbag little ol me!

and also, since like WHEN did i ever care about being a dirtbag loser anyway? being a dirtbag loser is punk rock as fuck????

i am trying to force myself out of thinking that creative pursuits are a “luxury” that must only be pursued once Everything Responsible Has Been Completed—because frankly i don’t even do that shit anyway!!! lmao (what ends up happening is that i spend 5 hours on social media, 0 hours doing laundry, and also 0 hours writing)

so maybe like, fuck twitter, fuck instagram, fuck frittering away my life 5 minutes at a time trying to convince myself i’m totally going to get up and sort thru the mail, and just. do the things i like doing. because THAT is punk as fuck.

basically i’m coming to the conclusion that i have been flailing around trying to escape a situation i am trapped in by being “responsible”—diligent with my money, a good little worker bee, etc etc—and like, very obviously not succeeding, so i might as well live “selfishly” (i.e. creatively)

when i’m dead no one’s gonna be like “feral creep touched our lives by being so on top of her laundry and having a very organized pile of receipts”

no, no they will not!

i still get comments every week or two from readers about how much [save scum] means to them, and fuck if i don’t want to somehow adapt portions of this story and Lethe so she can resonate with even more people outside this fandom…

after, of course, i finish the fic. lmao.

[pub-lius]

aaron burr pt. 1

hey y’all.... how y’all doing.......

so ive been gone for a while. sorry about that. but! i have a lot of posts to work on. i only have three more historical figures to do for @thereallvrb0y because i love him, and then imma post my notes from A People’s History of the French Revolution by Eric Hazan, so i am back. anyway, it’s burr time

but before i get into everyone’s favorite bisexual with a receding hairline, i have to give a little disclaimer. these notes are OLD. like from 2020 old, and while I always trust my sources, i don’t trust my ability to read my own handwriting, so if you go on the google doc and see Burr’s notes and you’re like “this makes no sense”, i don’t understand what i meant either. they’re also the most disorganized notes i have, but im not taking them again so. this is what we’re stuck with besties. 

The Start of the Shitshow

Aaron Burr Jr. was born at Newark, New Jersey on February 6, 1756. His father was a highly respected clerical scholar who served as a pastor of the Newark First Presbyterian Church and as president of Princeton University. He contracted a fever and died when his son was only one and a half. His mother was a daughter of noted Puritan theologian and scholar Jonathan Edwards, who was remembered for his passionate speeches. She died when he was two, so he got the whole orphan arc over with very quickly. 

He and his sister, Sally, lived with family friends until 1759 when Uncle Timmy Edwards of Stockbridge Massachusetts became their legal guardian and local pain in the ass. He was highkey abusive and we don’t like him. They moved to Elizabethtown, New Jersey in 1760, and Uncle Fuckface noticed that Burr had inherited his parents’ intellect, but not their piety, because he was too busy serving cunt to pray. He was also described as high-spirited, independent, precocious, and self confident, which sounds about right.

He had a fairly advanced education, studying with a private tutor until he was 13 when he got into Princeton, and he graduated from there at 16, which was round the age of most freshmen there, so that’s pretty sick. He enrolled in Reverend Joseph Bellamy’s school at Bethlehem, Connecticut in 1773 to study ministry, until he realized he couldn’t accept the Calvanist discipline nor avoid the distraction of the town, or maybe just got tired of the highly not okay gay relationship with Bellamy, so he moved to Litchfield, Connecticut in May 1774 to study law under his brother-in-law, Tapping Reeve. (Burr moves around so much, I never know where this mf is at any given point). \

Burr didn’t get his degree in law (yet *foreshadowing noise*) because his studies were interrupted by the revolution

The War *eagle screech and fireworks*

Burr joined the march on Quebec as an uncompensated “gentleman volunteer” in 1775. During the December 31 assault, he attempted to carry General Montgomery’s body back after he had been shot and killed by grapeshot, which won him an aide-de-campship to Washington’s staff. However, he was almost immediately reassigned to General Isreal Putnam because he didn’t like Washington’s office, which I can’t blame him because we all knew that shit was stressful. Washington also didn’t seem to like Burr much, but like Joseph Reed worked there, so Washington obviously wasn’t firing people bc he didn’t like them. 

Under Putnam, he received a commission as a Lieutenant Colonel and commanded his own regiment, which was a vast improvement to the rank as one of Washington’s aides, because they weren’t considered actual Lt. Colonels and they were constantly at a desk, which Burr would not tolerate. He saw action at Monmouth, and his regiment suffered heavy casualties, and he was also ordered by Washington to determine future movements of the British in New York. He commanded troops at Westchester, NY, and imposed rigid discipline that brought order to the frontier outpost. 

He resigned his commission in 1779 due to stress and exhaustion. This was a pretty great military career, and he was proud of it. People called him “Colonel Burr” even after his service. 

After the war

He traveled often after leaving the army and continued his law studies. In 1782, he began his law practice and married Theodosia Bartow Prevost, a widow of a British officer he had been hardcore flirting with. Their wedding was actually unplanned, bc her sister was getting married and Burr was invited so they were like “why have two bitches get married when you can have four” so they had a cute little double wedding. 

Burr moved to New York in November, 1783 after the British evacuation, along with Burr’s two stepsons and their infant daughter, who lavished special attention on his only child and supervised her education. If you want more info on Theodosia Jr., I answered an ask about here here. 

Burr was an able lawyer, working mainly for non-whigs (loyalists/tories, neutral parties during the war). This worked in his favor and he rose to prominence. This is around when he began his famously neutral political philosophy, the whole “don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for” thing Lin Manuel Miranda is obsessed with. 

He served a single term in the New York assembly during the 1784-85 session, and left public life until 1788, when he played a minor role in the NY debate over ratification of the Constitution. The Sons of Liberty (bc they’re still around apparently) considered Burr as a possible delegate to the ratification convention, but he declined. He had some reservations over the Constitution, but abandoned them when a majority of the states ratified it. 

He supported Richard Yates along with Alexander Hamilton during the 1789 gubernatorial election. Yates was an anti-federalist and a friend who helped Burr win admission to the Bar (which btw there was this whole thing about Burr fighting so that college credits before the war didn’t have to be retaken after the war or whatever idk i can’t remember). Yates lost to George Clinton, who appointed Burr as attorney general in 1781, so he didn’t really lose anything. 

Clinton also helped orchestrate Burr’s Senate election in 1791, unseating Philip Schuyler. Now, this did cause beef between him and Hamilton, like in the musical, but this wasn’t their first beef, especially since Burr dueled Hamilton’s brother-in-law soooooooo...

Also, during this time, Burr’s daughter, Sally, died in October 1788 at three years old and four months of an unspecified (i think) illness. 

Okay, that’s it for now, but the other posts are coming soon because I’m literally dedicating the next to days to this and only this so yay! hope y’all missed me <3 

[my-brothers-corrupted]

My Brothers, Corrupted

Book Five: Intro

After Anti's death, the first trip in time is towards the UK, to try and make a new home. It doesn't go well. Things are difficult and the price of freedom has been high: but they are free. Masterlist

Tws for distress and grief, hypnosis, violence, abduction, ableism, xenophobia, psychosis, and discussion of medication withdrawal. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.

Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!

Chapter Intro

The landscape rushes past the window like waves past the stomach of a ship, rising and falling with hills, rising and falling with sheep and trees and grass for miles.

It’s green this time of year. Summertime. It’ll be Jackie’s birthday soon enough. He wonders if his brother even remembers.

“I’m going to get it,” says Chase beside him, gripping your camera a little too tight. “I am. I can do this.”

The instructions Jackie left him flutter to the floor. Dapper turns to the red light of the camera, but he doesn’t have the energy to tell Chase he’s already turned the camera back on.

The train rattles soft. Everything is quiet. Henrik’s staring at nothing on the floor, his gaze glazed, his glasses crooked. Dapper’s fingers itch to push them back to place. He turns away.

Chase notices your red light. He pauses, turns you, blinks down at the camera.

“Oh,” he says, and there’s a faint relief there, but not much else.

They all glance at the lens.

For the first time in a long time, not one of them has the faintest smile for you as you come back.

“Hi,” says Chase softly.

And the green fields rush away beside them.

Hi.

darkiplurrr asked: How’s everything going with the Septic bros? You guys okay?

“Oh, it is working,” says Chase, shifting in his seat, a little color flushing back to his face. “Okay. Hi. Sorry… are you mad at us? Ro didn’t think it was safe to turn the cameras on in America. Cause Dark was maybe going to come grab Dapper. And we, um, killed Anti, and I think some of you liked him. I’m sorry. It’s been a couple weeks, I’m sorry. We’re - ”

Someone moves past the alley of the train and Chase jolts, ducking his head and pulling Henrik close to his body. He turns his gaze away and hides. They pass. He breathes out.

Dapper watches the stranger go, rubbing at his eyes.

“We’re okay,” says Chase, still pulling his hood down low over his eyes. “It’s been kind of hard. We’re trying to get settled. It’s been pretty scary I guess. It’s been kind of hard.”

nikkilbook asked: Y’all look so tired. How’s things going? No need for a big recap if you haven’t got the energy. I’m happy to accept grammatically incomplete and/or one-word answers.

“No, I’m awake,” says Chase hurriedly, sitting up. “I got this, I’m good. I told Blue and Red I’d look after everybody til we meet up again and I will. I can handle it. Um, so. Yeah, well. When was the last time we saw you?”

Chase closes his eyes and thinks.

“Ro burned Anti’s body. JJ got so sick that night. His nose bled til he passed out in the old bed. We got scared Dark was coming to get him or avenge Anti or something, so we ran away. We got everything out of the house and pawned as much shit as we could. Red and Blue got us food for a couple days and I didn’t ask where from.”

He glances down at his hands. “We’ve been scraping enough together to survive but we need doctors and things like that. Cause Dok’s… still not talking. And Dap needs a shrink and some other things. And Blue hides it, but I think he’s going to snap in half. He scares me lately when he’s upset. He hits things now like Red. Not us, but he just… rages. And burns. Blue does, he burns. I know it doesn’t hurt him but it looks like it does. The way he grits his teeth and tears at himself like that.”

Chase is gnawing on his bottom lip, already torn from his stress-chewing. He licks up a little blood, distracted.

“Red, though, you should see Red. Cause honestly I thought he’d get overwhelmed. But he’s so calm. He’s just had his mind on getting us out of America and making sure everyone’s okay and it’s like nothing else will distract him. He hasn’t broken down once. And even when he said we should take two separate trips to get here, he didn’t cry when we split up. Sometimes he gets scared when he can’t be around us but he said he knew I could do it.”

Chase looks over at Dapper like he’s waiting for something, but Dapper is scrawling in his sketchbook now, filling up pages already coated with chalk in more chalk, squishing pictures into the margins and spaces between.

“I have nightmares that Anti comes back to life,” says Chase. “And then the next night I cry because he’s gone. It’s shitty. Are you mad at us? We didn’t know if we should turn you on again. Dapper says Anti can still see us in the eye of the camera.”

Dapper’s tongue flicks out for a moment, licking his mouth. He doesn’t look up from his papers. His face twitches.

“Are you sad?” asks Chase. “Is this… do you still want to be here? He’s gone. It’s just us. And I thought maybe it would be more fun if things were less scary. But it’s not fun. I’m sorry. We’re pretty hungry and Blue thinks we might have mites in our feet. That’s all that’s going on. We’re going to get a place to stay, though. I promise. Things are going to be okay. Ro said I can do this.”

Chase closes his eyes tightly. “It’s just been kind of hard… it’s just been kind of hard.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: Well it's a big change in what was, and is, a complicated situation with a lot of complicated feelings. And things were... scary for a while there. It's okay if it's hard.

There it is - Chase’s smile. Well, it’s Trick’s smile. Small and nervous. But they’re closer each day.

“Yeah,” he says. “Thanks. It’s okay. Yeah, we’re okay, aren’t we? Dap. Hey. You don’t gotta draw shit like that. Dude, stop.”

Chase takes Dapper’s hand, trying to stop him from drawing eyes over and over and over again, each one circled by the gaze of a camera lens.

“Dap. He’s not watching you. He’s not coming back. Nobody’s there but the people who have always been there. Dap? Look at me, man. I can’t keep you and Dok both from drifting away.”

The chalk snaps in half in Dapper’s hand. He shudders and jerks his head back, blinking as he turns to Chase.

“I’m here, my man, I’m here,” says Chase, squeezing his palm. “We’re going to get you some help soon. Jameson.”

Dapper flinches, pushing at his hair. He’s all dressed up to the nines again. Tight white shirt. Black shoes. Everything’s dirty and wrinkled, but it grips at him.

“Don’t tear your bangs,” says Chase softly. “We’re okay.”

aether-mae asked: Dap dap..JJ..I’m truely so sorry that you lost your brother. I know that despite everything you really did love him, and at times he loved you back, as much as his twisted heart could. I’m far from an expert on abuse and grief, so all I can say is your feelings are valid and true, and I hope you can heal and see this all from a new perspective when times are brighter and calm. I wish you nothing but the best

Dapper stares at you for a long second. There’s a flicker of something silver in his eyes, just for a moment, and then gone again. He makes a small movement with his hand, not even a sign, just a movement. Like he doesn’t know what to say.

“I was being a baby,” he says finally. “Forget about it. When he comes get me next time I’ll tell him I think Blue should kill him again. I hate him.”

“Dap,” begins Chase, helplessly. Even Dok has glanced over at him skeptically. Dapper flushes and shakes his head, flipping the page of his notebook.

“He knows Anti’s dead most of the time,” says Chase after a moment, mumbling. “He acts delusional about it cause he’s in denial.”

Dapper shoves him with a sudden vitriol, biting his teeth. Dok jumps, blanching, and turns away. Chase shoves their little brother back, alarmed. “Hey! Don’t scare Dok!”

“I hate all of you,” snarls Dapper. “You killed my brother.”

“You wanted him dead too and you fucking know it. You just can’t admit it now cause it hurts.”

Dapper grabs his fringe again, shoving himself against the window of the train, hiding his face.

“You just need your medication - ”

“I’m dead now that he’s dead,” signs Dapper, shaking. “You killed me too!”

“And therapy, a fuckload of therapy. You’re totally all over the place. Dap, the cameras are on, can you breathe for a second?”

Dapper’s expression changes so fast it’s almost like he was hit, though he still doesn’t look over you. He wraps his arms around himself for a moment and rocks, face scrunching up in pain. “Trick, Trick, don’t let him look at me, I don’t want to go back to my room, I can’t breathe, it’s so small in here!”

Chase doesn’t know what to do anymore. He stares at Dapper with this dark fear in his eyes. Eventually he just reaches out and pulls him to his shoulder, closing his eyes and letting Dapper rant in the silence, shaking against his heart.

“I’m sorry too, Dapper,” says Chase, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m really sorry too. We need… we need time. Red says it won’t be so bad with time.”

Henrik stares at them, eyes blank. After a moment, he puts a hand on Chase’s shoulder, slumping back against the seat of the train and letting them rock.

“We’re in England now,” says Chase. “Blue and Red said they think you’re British. So you can remember yourself again. So you can be home.”

They thought about going to Ireland, or heading back to Peru, or finding somewhere new to live, away from all ghostly fragments of memories both bitter and sweet.

But Red said England. At the time, he was holding Dapper down so he did not hurt himself.

nikkilbook asked: If there’s one thing I can promise, it’s that I was never here for him.

“Yeah,” says Chase, trying to summon some fervor. “Fuck that guy.”

He looks down at the burn mark on his hand. Then he turns away from you, because he is ashamed to be in mourning.

darkiplurrr asked: Hey it’s okay, no need to apologize, guys. I’m sorry things have been tough. Where are you planning on going? And . . . Don’t worry, we’re just glad to be here with you. Is there anything we can do?

Chase takes a deep breath and does his best to grin at you. “Thank you. So, we’re meeting Blue and Red soon. And that’s why we’ve got you! Well, and cause we wanted to talk to you again. But Blue and Red will turn their cameras back on once they get off their train and find some wifi - turns out, without a professional glitch for a brother, you actually need an internet connection to talk to people - and then we’ll find each other again if you guys will help us.

“We would rather go all together, but it’s, uh, the criminal stuff that gets in the way. We all got about the same face. If any of us get recognized by someone, it’s a problem. And places like airports and train stations, they’re really dangerous. Cameras and security… so we flew in to London and we’re taking a train to Brighton. And Blue and Red flew in to - shit, I forgot. But we’ll meet in the middle. We just have to keep trying to throw anybody off our trail. We have no idea half the shit we might be wanted for, especially Red and Dap. Going to prison would be really bad. As you can imagine.”

Chase looks at his nails, suddenly dejected. “We’ve been running and hiding for three weeks. Turns out it’s pretty hard without, um. Well, it’s been hard. But Ro is working his ass off to make sure we all have fake documents and that we’re okay and that sort of thing. I just want to find somewhere we can sleep and feel safe. I want to stop running. All I remember is running.”

He’s tired of being in danger. At the time, he thought he was scared of cops, magicians, gangs, Jack - anyone Anti told him to be scared of. But he was really just scared of Anti. That was always the cause of his adrenaline and his nightmares. He rubs his face. How many times did anyone come after them? Cops once, back in Italy, magicians in Peru, and then Dark in America. But in retrospect, he knows Anti coaxed them all to their doorstep and smiled when the blood started to flow.

He can’t start getting in his head like this. He has to stop thinking of it.

“Anyway,” he says, nodding his head, again and again. “Anyway. Anyway.”

It’s now that you see landscape turning into buildings. Not much longer.

scunneredzombie asked: We're not angry at you, Trick. I understand everything must be scary and confusing, especially for the less stable of you. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief can involve a lot of extreme emotions and reactions, different in everyone. Be present for each other and talk compassionately. Ask each other about how you're feeling and show acceptance for those feelings. Assist each other w/ practical things if they're having a down day. Most of all, learn to accept that he's gone. For good.

Chase’s mouth flickers into a smile - a grimace - a smile - a frown. He glances at his brothers, and if the shock of everything that’s happened has affected each of them differently, they still share the same exhaustion. It’s sort of touching to him. His tired fighting family.

“Aw, you’re making me soft,” he grumbles at you, laughing as the train begins to slow. “Right… yeah, we can do that. We can do all that. We’re going to be okay. Someday. I hope so, anyway. Shit, do I ever hope so. I could really use some… some… I don’t know. Some peace, I guess. Some sleep and some peace. We just need… ah, someone’s getting on the train.”

They’ve stopped, but no one gets up to start ushering people off. The doors do not open.

Chase glances at his brothers. Henrik looks like he’s trying to fall asleep, laid back against the seat, content to wait or maybe not having noticed they’ve stopped. Dapper stares out at the aisle of the train with dark eyes, his face twitching a little.

“We’re fine,” Chase assures him. “I’m sure we just have to wait a minute. You good?”

Dapper winces slightly, closing his eyes. “Feel like I’m losing my mind. Are we.. where are we?”

“You’re okay,” Chase soothes. He’ll say it as many times as he needs to. “We’re going to find home, Dap.”

He guesses they just have to wait for the train doors to open.

But it’s fine. Probably they’re just getting off one section at a time. Probably.

“Glad you guys are here,” he adds after a moment, relaxing to wait. “Nice to talk to someone who’s not stressed to the fucking max for once. Well, maybe some of you are. If so, same, dude. Same.” nikkilbook asked: You know, I think sometimes we act like we’re all-knowing when in reality we’re just a bunch of dweebs with internet access, and we repeat things to you boys just because it sounds like something a Smart Person would say and we’re trying to be helpful. I caught myself about to say some generically wise thing about mourning an abuser, but I honestly don’t think that would help, because generic is useless and I’m not an expert.

So I’ll just make an observation.

All you boys, every one of you, love. Chase, you’re the protector. Henrik, you heal. Marvin is strength, and Jackie is truth. Jameson, you see. Everyone of you is made of love and you give it to everyone.

He didn’t love you. We’ve established.

But I’m not sure that meant you didn’t love him, because that’s who you are.

And who is anyone to say that isn’t worth mourning?

Chase looks down at the floor. Dapper’s gaze clears slightly, eyes shifting over to you. Henrik is asleep. He doesn’t look to be in pain when he’s in sleep. Even though he’s still covered in bandages and scars. Dapper looks down at his brother’s gauze-wrapped fingers. There’s something worth mourning. The fact that he let someone do this to his brother. That he let Anti do this to his family again and again and still didn’t have the fucking stomach to watch him die like he deserved.

“I guess it’s worth mourning,” says Chase softly. “Hurts that I was blind as long as I was, but doesn’t mean I didn’t… maybe… love him. I’m grieving the loss of someone who never existed, really. Not Anti. And that’s…”

Chase keeps going, because he’s a talker and always has been, but it’s just drivel to Dapper. He rubs at his face, exhausted with himself. At least Chase loved someone who didn’t exist. Dapper loved the monster.

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to forgive himself for it. He looks at you, pupils slightly blown. Doesn’t know if he’s allowed to forgive himself for it.

He looks up and at the doors of the train. What’s standing there is enough to make him shift again, sudden and disorienting, shoving him back into his terror and his delusions.

“No, no, no,” he begs, tugging at Chase’s shirt. “No, no, don’t let them take me away, I’ll be good, I will!”

Chase looks over and shrinks in on himself slightly, once again pulling Henrik close to his body. There’s cops outside the train, talking to someone. He tugs his hood down low like Red always does.

“They’re not here for us,” he promises Dapper, because how could they be? “We’re okay. We’re okay. We’re okay.”

Again and again and again. He’s said it for weeks.

“Red said I can do this,” he tells himself, nodding. “And those assholes are not here for us. We’re going to get off this train and find somewhere where we can be okay.”

He looks back at the officers.

Dark eyes meet his own, and flicker with a terrible gold light.

“Oh, shit.”

Anonymous asked: "Take care of everyone" includes yourself Chase. Make sure you're allowing for your own mourning as well. There's no shame in mourning.

“Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic,” Chase begs himself, letting his eyes slide shut. “Just a coincidence. Not here for us.”

He has to stay calm. Has to stay distracted. Like two nights ago, when Blue started screaming about how he should have torn Anti’s ribs out one by one and made Henrik so scared he threw up, and Red just sat and talked to him about Spider-man until it was over.

“Okay, alright, I am mourning Anti,” admits Chase, letting out a slow breath. “And I hate it because… the more time I spend away from him, the more my head clears. Fuck, guys, I’m starting to remember things. Not from before Anti reset me, but just from when I was… I was hypnotized. He made me lose so much of myself and I didn’t even fucking notice. I let him take so much of me. Wasn’t strong enough to fight back. And I know maybe that’s not my fault either, but I hate that I was the weakest damn link. That I broke like that while my twin was fighting so hard. He fought until - look at him, he fought until it broke him in half. And I was lying in Anti’s bed. I hate that. But I loved him too. He was like - like a god to me. I worshiped him. I’m ashamed. Of all the parts of myself you saw me give to him. I’m ashamed.”

Anonymous asked: Do I spy a tiger?

“A tiger?”

“Max,” signs Dapper faintly.

“Is that who that is?” asks Chase frantically. “Please?”

“No,” answers Dapper. “Max doesn’t look like that man. Max is Indian and he always looks nice and he’s older than that man. And Max is not looking for us anymore. I didn’t even try to go with him… I was on the cliff edge…”

Chase looks back at the officer. Their eyes are a clear deep brown again, no hint of gold. Like it was never there. The same way Blue’s eyes flare and Dapper’s flicker silver.

It was magic he saw, not the light in the eyes of someone who loves you. It was a flash of magic.

And he remembers Peru - and magicians grabbing his twin by the waist while he screamed - irises full of glowing, vicious light -

He is squeezing Henrik’s hand too tightly. His brother does not flinch.

“If there’s magicians here,” he whispers. “What are the chances they’re here for someone other than us?”

Anonymous asked: Ah, twas not a tiger but a stray magician! I doubt he's here for you guys though. From what I recall, magicians are extremely common in the British Isles. If he is here for you, I have no idea what it could be for. Perhaps he recognizes the remnants of Anti's magic on you?

Chase pauses, glancing at Dapper. “Do you think?”

Dapper shrugs.

“You’re a British magician, right, Dap?”

“I’m not anything,” answers Dapper dryly.

“Come on, don’t sulk.”

Dapper pouts a little, pressing into Chase’s side and fluttering his long eyelashes.

“Hey, and don’t play baby either, dude, Blue’s talked to you about this. You don’t have to be anybody’s puppy for us to keep you safe. I’m not going to give you to the cops. Help me figure this out.”

Dapper’s tired and confused by his own brain, but he’s trying. He sighs and glances over at the cops. “If they’re magicians, they’re not cops too, that’s all I know. Magicians run their own law enforcement. And I don’t know anything about British magicians. I’ve never met hardly anyone. Just you guys, mostly. Maybe Anti does still linger on us… he’s always watching, he - ”

“Stop, stop,” Chase cuts him off, reaching out to squeeze his hands. “He’s not watching us. He’s gone. He’s not going to get us again. I hope they didn’t sense Anti… they might think we’re… like him.”

“Please make them go away, Trick, please.”

“Don’t beg, Dap, okay? No puppy eyes. Let’s not let Dok know we’re nervous.”

“What do we do if they are here for us? Do I have to kill them? Blue took Anti’s knives from me but I have my hands.”

“No. No, I mean - maybe? No, they’re not here for us. It’s fine. Hey, have Red and Blue turned their cameras on? Will you ask Red what we should do? He always knows best. I can do this, I can do this.”

Anonymous asked: Ello ello, patching in to Red and Blue? Jackie is your camera working? The other boys have some issues with cops (""cops""?) and Chase asked your advice on how to handle this.

“Jackie, we need to fucking move!”

His fingers are digging into the camera. You see a flash of his pale face and hunted eyes. Something strikes the wall beside him - the shitty wifi connection cuts out for a second -

Swinging back and forth as he runs. For a moment, Blue is beside him, racing across the pavement and darting down alleyways at Red’s side.

“They could be tracing the cameras!”

“They’re not, it’s your - I need to tell - how do we? - just got a connection, can’t keep a connection - tell them to - ”

He cuts in. Cuts out. There’s blood on his face now, welling up like ink. Tracing down his cheek and hitting his mouth, tracing the curve of his lips. He licks it up and spits it away, coughing. Someone shouts.

Chase is right about Jackie. His eyes are still calm. Even now.

“Tell them to - ”

You lose him again. The connection returns. A cold, thin figure with a blood-red scarf dripping down their chest is standing in the alley behind them as they run. Jackie’s face. Marvin racing along beside him. A flare of red light in unfamiliar eyes.

“Tell them to - tell them - ”

They were waiting for them at the train station. They were waiting.

“Tell them I’m sorry,” croaks Jackie. “I’ll find - ”

Darkness. Silence. If you close your eyes, you can still see the color of his blood drizzling down his cheek.

Connection lost.

And in that silence - in that moment when, for the first time in weeks, the cameras are on, but the connection is gone -

Someone speaks to you.

Well, well, well.

Aren’t you all clever?

They live and I die. Guess you got what you wanted. The threats were just threats. They live. All of them. I came close, hope you know. Could have killed the little brat or that knock-off Spider-man easily. Easily.

You got lucky, little eyes.

Well, it’s what you wanted. They’re all alive. Congratulations. Happy ending.

Right?

Let’s see if keeping them alive is all you hoped it would be. Let’s see if the struggle’s even worth it.

Fools.

You should have let them die when I did. Dapper you may as well have killed. You will see the hatred I taught him soon enough. The marks I left on Dok were not meant to fade either. All you will do is watch them fade and fade and fade. I am Antithesis, Antiseptic, Antagonist - with me gone, the story will not be worth telling.

T҉hȩr͖̗e̟̮͙'͓̦̦͝s ͍̗̩no̤͞ s̨̳͓u͘c͉͎͡h͘ th̷̹i̼ng as͈̰ ̙̳a ̗h͘a̷̻p̖̦̠p͉̞̬y ḙ̭͍nd͚̬in͡g.̼̝

nikkilbook asked: Screw you, you literary incompetent. There are plenty of stories without antagonists, far stronger and more powerful than some with. Read a frackin book for once in your pathetic life. You are the villain because you wanted to be, not because the story ever needed you.

This is man vs self, man vs the maladaptive coping mechanisms and survival strategies that are primed to face a danger that is no longer there, man vs nature as they try to find some place to call home, man vs all the magicians and law enforcement that you turned against them. This is a story of healing now, and of catharsis. You are no longer invited to this party.

Do not quote the old magic to me, glitch. I was there when it was written.

Anti’s message flickers and dies in green and blue flutters. It leaves the screen dark. Even the thought of his own death, it turns out, was enough to make him angry at you.

But you’re right. This is just a remnant. He’s gone.

darkiplurrr asked: Guys- Guys, come in- Anti just spoke to us, somehow! And Jackie . . . Jackie says he’s sorry. I think he’s going to try to find you. He seemed to be having some difficulty at the moment.

Fear flashes through Chase’s face, but after a moment you see that old hardness slide over his eyes - Trick’s soldier stare, his eyes trained on the window, his gun in his hands.

He doesn’t have any weapons now - airport security - but you watch him pull his own determination around him.

“Okay,” he mumbles. “It’s just the three of us but we’re okay. Blue and Ro can handle themselves. I hope.”

Anonymous asked: Chase I think something seriously wrong is happening with Jackie and Marvin. They seem to be being targeted by magicians as well. Tread carefully, be safe, trust no one but each other for now.

Chase nods, glancing at his little brother. “So what do we do?”

Dapper just looks back at him, blinking with big earnest puppy dog eyes. You see Chase purse his mouth with a unique blend of fatigue and resignation.

“You know, I don’t remember JJ well,” he says, and Dapper turns bitterly away, “but sometimes when I look at you I’m just so fucking aware of how much you’re… not him. Like a gap where I know something used to be. I think, for a second, when we were in that bedroom together and you told me to keep fighting, I saw him, but then he goes away again.”

Dapper stares at the floor. Chase turns back to the camera. A twinge of guilt in his mouth and then he’s focused again.

“We could run for it,” he mutters, glancing at the emergency exit at the back of the train. “Or we could let these guys come to us and… go from there, I guess.”

scunneredzombie asked: You can do this Chase. Just remain as unassuming as possible and don't let your brothers out of your sight.

Chase bites his lip and slinks down in his seat, glancing over at Henrik. His brother looks back at him, but if Dapper is an emptiness where JJ used to be, Henrik’s body seems to just be this… tether for something that’s far away from him.

Henrik hasn’t spoken since the day Chase pulled him off that porch, bleeding and bruised. Blue thinks it’s a head injury. Red thinks it’s trauma. Chase, for his part, tries not to think of it as a big deal. Henrik does this, sometimes. Dok does this. The memory of that day back in Norway so long ago when Dok wrapped his hands around Trick’s throat has become a bizarre comfort to him. Dok does this sometimes and he’ll snap out of it. Someday. He will.

It’s just never lasted this long before.

Henrik looks at him and he sees him, but there’s no more recognition. He used to look at him like he could see through to his heart.

But Chase refuses to be hurt by it. His twin just needs a break. In the meantime, he’ll protect him.

“Just follow my lead if something goes wrong, Dok-Dok,” he says, squeezing his hand. “I got you.”

scunneredzombie asked: Henrik, can you sign to us? Just "Hello" or some fingerspelling? Show us you're there, buddy.

Henrik’s eyes slide over you. For a second, he looks at Dapper, but Dapper shrinks away from him, avoiding his gaze. Henrik still has bandages on his cheek from some of the deeper cuts. He scratches absent-mindedly at the latex.

Anonymous asked: If I were you guys I would sit tight and try to be unassuming and quiet, but the second you think there's danger to your lives, run for it, Chase.

“Would you be able to run?” asks Chase, patting Dok’s thigh. “Still kind of hurt. We couldn’t get him to a doctor in America so I did most of the taking care of him. I can’t tell if he’s in pain or not. Right, but, yeah, you’re right - we’ll be ready to run if we need to.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: If you think you can do it, then I suggest you run. We don't know what these guys want or their capabilities, and if you ask me, it's better to avoid confrontation until necessary. Be careful, though.

Chase gets to his feet to scope it out, looking out at the faux cops now starting onto the train. He pulls nervously at his t-shirt, eyes narrow.

Anonymous asked: The last thing we need from these magical cops or whatever is a chase, the one thing you're brothers need is YOU, Chase.

(Yes pun intended, no better time for a pun, I don't care how lame and awful, loosen up, damnit!)

“Hey, Chase is a good name!” he protests. “I’ve decided I like it. It’s… okay. I’m adjusting. I want to try it. But Dok, you can call me Trick if you want, I don’t mind. I’m just not his Trick, that’s all. Okay, but yes - we’ll try to avoid a chase. If we can.” Anonymous asked: Chase, Anti got an electronic remnant of himself through to us and mentioned he "left a mark" on Henrik. I think something more on the magical side might be blocking him inside himself.

Chase blinks and turns around, looking at his brothers. “Is that possible? Dapper?”

“I think Anti died about as thoroughly as he could,” answers Dapper coldly. “There’s nothing of him left but stupid messages and ghosts standing over me.”

“I think it could be worth looking into.”

“Talk to Blue, then, I don’t know. I told you I’m not a magician.”

“What are you, then?”

“You know I’m just a remnant of something dead. Sit down, Chase, they’re looking at you.”

There are eyes on him from the front of the train. He slips back into his seat, tense.

“Can we just get this over with?” asks Dapper, rubbing at his face.

“You’re more fucking cynical now that your torturer’s gone than when you were locked in that room,” snaps Chase.

“Anti cut the self-awareness out of me and made me into a dazed little pet,” answers Dapper. “Now I keep waiting for him to come and make me feel content again, at least for a moment, at least for a moment when I let him hold me against him and it makes me forget, no matter how humiliating it is. But nothing comes and nothing changes. Chase, you were an addict for years, don’t you understand any of this?”

But there’s footsteps coming towards them before he can even open his mouth to speak.

Anonymous asked: Don't get too bitter Dapper. I understand what Chase means. Sometimes we get to see JJ and the man we know and love, but sometimes you lose yourself in the storm behind those eyes, and it's so hard to get you back. Try to stay with us right now, Jay?

Dapper covers his face with his hands, letting out a shuddering breath. He sees Anti crumple in front of him, screaming for him as blood slithers out of his glitching flesh.

“I hate JJ,” he signs. “I hate being him. Just let him die with his twin.”

Chase is standing in front of Dapper and Henrik. A pair of men in cop uniforms fill the doorway of the train car. Brown and green eyes size him up like a fighter on the other side of a ring.

“What the hell do you want?” hisses Chase. “Leave us alone. None of us have done anything to anyone. We just want to be safe somewhere.”

The younger of the two men purses his pale mouth, and those dark eyes flare with venomous gold.

“Move,” he says. “Give me the younger one. And stop pretending you don’t know what’s happening - your magical signature is so powerful I bet even the mortals can smell blood in the air when you cast. There’s no record of you anywhere in our system. At your age, that means one thing - you’ve been hiding from us.”

He leans forward. His form flickers and for a second, he is wearing a bright red scarf.

“That wasn’t very wise, changeling.”

“Back off him,” says Chase, very quiet. “Back off.”

Anonymous asked: Tell them about Anti maybe? That a demon was hiding you and you're trying to escape? If they're magicians it might make them go easier on you?

“My brother’s a magician,” says Chase, chest heaving slightly, keeping himself standing straight, the way Jackie does. “We weren’t trying to hide from anybody. It was our monster. He could hide signals. He hid Dapper for years, and then he took Blue’s magic so he could hide that too, so the Ravens didn’t find us.”

“What?” snaps the magician, looking genuinely taken aback. “What the fuck? Just move. If you’re mortal you don’t have to be involved.”

“He’s my little brother, don’t touch him.”

“That is not anything’s little brother. He’s barely human. Does he age?”

“Leave him alone.”

nikkilbook asked: Okay, I have an idea, but I don’t know how well it can work. JJ, you said that magicians have their own police. To what extent to they follow things like due process?

“My brother’s a - a - what are they - a magician from Ireland, he has a tattoo - ”

“Lapwing,” signs Dapper uncertainly.

“A lapwing, Marvin’s a lapwing - ”

“What? The lapwings are fucking gone, everyone knows that. Now shut the fuck up before I make you shut the fuck up.” He shoves himself into Chase’s space and Chase tries not to breathe, refusing to back up.

“Maybe we shouldn’t bank on due process,” signs Dapper.

nikkilbook asked: Point of grammatical clarification, my dude, but it’s that they’ve been hidden from you. Also hypnotized. By a sapient glitch that was capable of erasing people from records. Maybe sit down and have a conversation with them all before getting your Harry Potter-themed panties in a bunch.

“Okay, fuck Harry Potter, first of all,” snaps the not-cop.

“I’d be in Gryffindor,” offers the other magician.

“Mateo, keep your damn mouth shut.”

nikkilbook asked: Hi Mateo, nice to meet you. I’m talking to you now. Grumpy McGiilacutty doesn’t get to be recognized as a person until he chills the flip down.

You said the lapwings were destroyed. When was that? And do you have record of who some of the magicians were? Or if any of them were living in or frequently visited the Brighton area?

Mateo shrugs. “We were not exactly on good terms with the Lapwings before they just… stopped answering, one day. Who knows?”

“Don’t talk to that,” warns the grumpy one. “Stop it. Mateo, step back.”

And Mateo obeys.

Anonymous asked: "That?" Excuse you, grumpus, we are a highly technological communication device designed and set up by the demon they're talking about! Do we reek of magic as well, hm?

“No, you don’t,” answers the magician flatly. “You’re a camera.”

nikkilbook asked: Hey Grumpface. Did you hear what happened to the Sunbirds?

Chase’s face darkens slightly. The magician looks at him, eyes cold.

“Maybe you don’t want to be connected with what happened with the Sunbirds.”

And Chase knows he should say something about how it was Anti, about how the monster that killed the Sunbirds was the same one that has hurt him again and again, but all he can hear is Caleb howling.

Anonymous asked: Dap-- JJ-- I'm not sure who you prefer to be right now, and I'm still happy to recognize both if need be... You'll help, won't you?

Dapper closes his eyes.

“Don’t want to go with them,” he signs faintly. “But I don’t… want…”

Blood and unseeing eyes. He is just Anti’s killer. He hides himself in his hands again. For a second, Henrik touches his hand.

nikkilbook asked: Henrik, are you reading me? If you’re okay with it, could you show them what Anti did to you?

The magician’s eyes drift over to Henrik, who stares impassively back at him, sat beside Dapper.

“Did he do that?” he asks, pointing at JJ.

JJ’s expression crumples with a sudden anguish. He squeezes his eyes shut, beginning to shake, his leg bouncing rapidly against the cold metal floor of the train. His hands raise to cover his ears. Shut up shut up shut up.

“He’s off his medicine,” snarls Chase, the vitriol rising in him again. “Leave him alone.”

“You have ten seconds to move before I make you.”

“You think carefully about what you do next, asshole, because you’re goddamn right about one thing - my family can be a fucking threat when we need to be.”

Anonymous asked: What do they plan to even do with JJ if they do take him? Defend your brothers Chase, you can be okay, just don't let them out of your sight unless you know exactly what's happening to them.

“Ten,” warns the magician, his cold voice dripping with some dark anticipation Dapper recognizes all too well. Oh, fuck, what will they do to him if they get him? He can’t go back in his room. He can’t go back in his room. Anti is laughing at him. Shut up, shut up.

Anonymous asked: These guys were in South America a while ago, with the magicians there! They can vouch for their story. Chase, what was the group name again? Ravens?

“We did meet the Ravens, we did, they helped my brother. They can tell you we’re not a threat - ”

“Nine.”

“Go on,” coos Anti in his ear. Dapper feels a hand wrap around the meat of his thigh. “Show them what I taught you.”

“No,” he mouths. “No more.”

“Eight.”

Anonymous asked: Leave these guys alone. Jameson is a human, and he does age. They truly are just a group of brothers trying to escape captivity. You don't need to hurt them in any way.

Mateo steps up to the plate a little now, putting a soothing hand on the smaller man’s shoulder.

“Look, mate,” he says, and despite everything Chase wants to laugh because they’re in England and this is exactly the accent he was hoping for. “We have an investigation, that’s all. We can’t know if your friend here is a risk until we get this sorted out. For now, we have to assume he’s dangerous.”

Chase wavers.

The truth is, Dapper is dangerous. He’s always known that about his brother. It’s why Anti kept him up in that room - keeping him for himself, yes, but also to try and make sure no one ever made him snap. He’s heard Dapper ramble about it, sometimes - changing realities, broken timelines, and creators who forget they made you. Not to mention that he’s seen Dapper kill with his bare hands and Anti’s fanged grin mimicked on his mouth.

But he can’t be someone’s prisoner again.

“Seven,” continues the rude one.

He can’t. Chase doesn’t know what it would do to him. Here he is, so fucking deep in his agony he can barely get out of bed most days, teetering between Dapper and JJ, and someone wants to take him away from the world again?

No.

“Six,” sings the magician with the gold magic.

Chase turns to look at Dapper. It can’t be normal for him to be shaking that hard, can it? He’s rocking himself. He doesn’t usually rock himself. He’s pressing his hands too hard into his ears.

Anonymous asked: Magicians, stop this! You don't need to hurt any of them, they are all human and mean no harm to anyone at all. You need to back off, seriously, you could die here. Jameson is a very, very powerful magician, but he won't hurt anyone. Can you not just *put* him on your registry? Why do you have to hurt anybody?

The magicians exchange glances. The cold one stops for a second, glancing away from you.

“What do you really want with him?” asks Chase, reaching back to pull Dapper to his stomach, feeling him shake like he’ll fly apart against his side. “He’s not dangerous, I swear, I swear. Just let me take care of him. I thought that Anti hid him because he wanted him for himself, not because other people would hurt him.”

“No one’s here to hurt him,” says Mateo. “But, shit, man, don’t you know your brother’s a packed explosive?”

Dapper strikes his head, once, twice.

“Don’t, don’t,” begs Chase, grabbing his hands, but Dapper’s already losing it, panting hard. He needs to move move move. It’s buzzing through him it’s buzzing it hurts. He has to get up he has to move.

“Don’t tear at yourself - you’re okay - Dapper, JJ, please - ”

He needs to run. He has to move, he has to. There’s strings on his wrist and his bones are made of wood. He’s going to be sick.

“You’re having an episode, just breathe, I’ll - ”

The younger magician grabs Chase by the shoulder and his eyes turn gold.

“I’ll make him stop,” says the magician, and he reaches for Dapper as Chase rag-dolls, gaze blank, against the seat of the train.

Henrik draws slightly away, pulling Dapper with him, eyes faintly uncertain.

nikkilbook asked: Mateo, ever dealt with someone who has schizophrenia, PTSD, and reality-bending timeline magic? You guys seriously need to back off for a second and let him breathe. Yes, JJ is dangerous. But there are a thousand different ways to be dangerous. JJ’s a fighter, and he’s good at it. He’s also struggling with his own brain right now, and reality takes a back seat to that. His magic is very volatile like this. Please explain what kind of dangerous you are concerned about and why you suspect him of it. These boys have had a very, very hard time lately, and their survival coping mechanisms are cranked up past 27 right now. They will fight to protect each other, because even if they don’t share the same blood, they are brothers.

“Okay, I’m actually a little freaked out by that, and we’re kind of on a public train, Cedar,” Mateo cuts in, grimacing at the sight of Chase limp on the seat. “The people behind us can probably hear.”

“I can control it,” answers Cedar mildly. He moves his hand from Chase’s shoulder to his head, tugging on his hair. “Look how fucking easy he went under my compulsion. I’ve never seen anyone just crumple like that. They’re right, he’s been hypnotized before. He’s like… a Ken doll.”

Chase has tears in his eyes. He can’t move his body. His expression is as dead as Henrik’s.

His twin is looking at him, eyebrows drawn slightly together. He doesn’t move until Cedar reaches for Dapper. Henrik flinches, pushing Dapper back against the window.

“Cedar, seriously,” warns Mateo. “Stop it, okay? I think these guys are kind of fucked up. Something bad’s going to happen.”

“We’ll get them back home and they can deal with them there.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: If he's *really* as powerful as you say he is, WHY are you antagonizing him?!? Even if you don't believe us saying he wouldn't hurt you, why would you take that risk?? That just seems *incredibly* unsafe anyway!

Cedar shrugs. “I’ve never met anybody who could hurt me,” he says, reaching for Dapper. “Not when I could get my hands on him. Everybody’s dangerous until I’m in their head.”

“No,” screeches Chase with a sudden gasp for air, hands grappling slightly at the chair. “No, he’s had enough of that for his whole life.”

“Don’t fight,” answers Cedar mildly, petting his hair. “This isn’t about you.”

But Chase is panting now, determined, his eyes roving wildly. “Don’t, don’t, don’t. He’s had enough. They both have.”

“Be quiet, Trickshot.”

He drags the name out of his head and uses it to burn Chase like a branding iron.

nikkilbook asked: JJ. Cross your hands across your chest with your palms flat against the meat of each shoulder joint. Tap one hand at a time, slowly. You’re here, and your body is yours. Doesn’t matter what else you’re hearing or seeing, you are here, and your body is under your control.

He’s bent over himself, shaking his head frantically. For a second, Cedar draws back in the fear that Dapper is actually having a seizure. Drool drips out of his mouth. He can’t breathe.

Henrik curls Dapper’s fingers slightly, like he might push them to his shoulders.

“Well, what does he need?” asks Cedar, flustered. Mateo’s right. They’re in public and they can’t cause a scene. “Fuck’s sake. Don’t you think it would be better for me to reign him in just a little?”

Dapper croaks out a noise you’ve never heard him make before. Yes, yes, please. He needs someone in his head to make it stop. Anti is whispering reassurances to him. He cries for relief. Please, please.

“If you put a hand on my brother,” chokes out Chase, still fighting the power over his brain. “He’s going to kill you and it’s going to be your fault.”

Anonymous asked: Dont touch him someone will definitely get hurt!!! Sure, assume hes dangerous, hes also having a mental health crisis and he needs help! Can you call someone else whos equipped to help or at least deescalate? Do you really think this is the safest way for everyone to proceed?

“What, like, call humans? Like non-magic humans? This fucker’s got a doctor’s coat on. Why don’t you do something? Are all three of you messed up?”

Henrik is just looking at Chase writhing, his mouth slightly parted. Chase meets his gaze and throws his head like he can get Cedar’s power off him. He tries to tell him with his eyes: I’m here, man, I’m here.

I’m fighting this, I am.

Anonymous asked: Chase, no matter what you've been told, you weren't the weakest link then and you're not the weakest link now. You've always been a fighter and we've always seen it in you, even if you've needed some reminding from time to time.

I've quoted Winnie the Pooh to Jackie before, and I think you may need it too: "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

I know witticisms and children's quotes can't instantly improve your self worth or get you out of a sticky situation, but words are all we have, Chase. We only have our voices, the rest is up to you. We believe you can carry yourself and your brothers.

“I’m not, I’m not,” pants Chase, shaking his head. “I fought Anti and I will - I will get you off me, I will not - I am done being anybody’s pet. I am done. You hurt my brothers. You’re hurting him.”

nikkilbook asked: Okay, Jackhole McGee, you need to step. off.

You need to go grow yourself a set of freaking human compassion and look around at what you are doing to them. Are you seriously the kind of guy that would push a wheelchair user out of their chair and proceed to kick them while they were down? Because that is what you are doing right now, my dude. You are not god-king of humanity, and I don’t CARE what rules you magicians play by, this is a frackin human rights violation and you need to back the frick off.

“All we want is to have somewhere safe to stay,” coughs Chase. He gets to his feet and Cedar shoves him back down. People are beginning to get up in the cars of the train around them, murmuring at the commotion. “We just got out of the fire and you’re going to put us right back into the frying pan. No. No.”

He gets back to his feet again. Cedar looks unimpressed, squeezing his arm, and Chase braces against the wave of it -

My Trick. Forget about everything else. Look at me. You’ll get those necklaces off of him or I’ll kill him in his sleep and leave the corpse in the bed beside you. My Trickshot. Be good, Trick, be good.

“No!”

He strikes Cedar in the face.

There’s this yelp of shock from Cedar and Henrik jerks beside him, alarmed. Chase grabs Dapper and hauls him to his feet, shoving him out of the train car and throwing himself at Mateo, fists cocked.

“JJ, run! Henrik, go, go, get the fuck out! Someone help, this cop assaulted me!”

“You little fucker,” snarls Mateo, his facade snapping, and his eyes light up green.

Anonymous asked: Jameson needs to be medicated, badly. He's been without his medication for a while and he's possibly having a psychotic episode. Let his brothers comfort him and hold him for now. And to our boys, talk in soft, short sentances until he can fully understand you, validate his experiences and delusions without lending truth to them, put pressure on him unless he pushes you off, don't let anyone threaten him, and keep him from hurting himself.

And shit, you’re right, he needs his medicine and some mercy.

But no one’s going to give him that right now, and Chase doesn’t even have a chance to think ‘this might be a bad idea’ before he realizes that Dapper is gone like a fucking shot.

It stopped being about escaping a few minutes ago for Jameson. Now it’s just this fire he has to get out, this fire fire fire in his blood, this need to move, to move, to move! He shoves past people, races through hollering and confused shouts, and he’s tearing out through that emergency door like a feral cat, racing, racing, running so hard he stumbles as he sprints, chaotic, overwhelmed, mindlessly focused on the fire, the fire, the fire -

He did not mean to leave the others behind. His body didn’t give him any other choice.

And he did not bring a camera with him.

Anonymous asked: I don't know what you were expecting to happen, Tree Sap. You may be proficient in magic but your people skills are pretty trash. Did you really expect our dangerous, unstable friend to comply with you and go quietly? After all the shit they've gone through? Maybe you should have assessed things first and not ran in blindly approaching them like animals instead of people.

“Yeah, fuck you, Cedar,” snaps Mateo, throwing Chase onto the ground with a grunt and grabbing his wrists, trying to pin him. Mateo has a hundred pounds extra on Chase, but you can see him fighting the way Anti taught him to, dirty and furious, his eyes fixed on Henrik pushed into the corner of the train car, too absent from himself to be able to run away. “I thought you said you could handle this.”

Cedar shakes blood from his face, coughing. He recovers herself and you see his dark eyes thin with hatred as they fix on Chase. Since he was five years old, only four times has anybody thrown off the thrall of his power. Yes, he thought he could bring them in quietly. He has never failed to do so before.

scunneredzombie asked: Cedar, seriously, you need to back off. Jameson's magic is so powerful that he's literally broken timelines in two when he got this upset. Mateo is right, he's a packed bomb. You need to tread lightly here and think rationally. For lords' sake have some crisis management skills, lads.

“Bomb’s already gone off thanks to you,” spits Mateo, glaring at his companion. “Grab that little dead-eyed one and put some pressure on his neck.”

“What?”

Mateo grabs a phone from his coat pocket and throws it to Cedar. As it spins through the air, just for a second, you see what it really is - a wicked little pocketknife. Cedar catches it with a slight yelp.

“Now stop squirming or you’re going to watch that knife drive into your friend’s stomach,” snarls Mateo.

Chase shakes his head wildly, stuttering around the words of protest he’s trying to get out. Cedar grabs Henrik and puts that “phone” much too close to his chest. Henrik glances uncomfortably between the knife and his brother, head slightly tilted and mouth parted in confusion.

“Okay, okay,” Chase chokes out. “I’ll be quiet, just don’t hurt him, please.”

Anonymous asked: So are you guys like... an evil British scarf-wearing magician gang? What avian name are you guys under? And does it matter to you at all that 2 among them are magical and all of them have been to help and back with a glitch demon? Can you really dismiss information for a situation like this?

“Let’s talk about information when we get back to our place,” says Mateo all-too-coolly. His eyes flare green again as he pins Chase down and suddenly you see both Henrik and Chase’s forms shift, an illusion settling over them the same as the uniforms Mateo and Cedar are wearing. Two completely different people appear to be pressed into the back of the train car or pinned under Mateo’s hands, hiding them from any watching eyes.

Anonymous asked: Out of all the magicians Anti (the guy who kidnapped and abused and hid the people you two are currently treating like criminals, btw) has killed, why couldn't he have added you two pigs to the list? You've got an asshole with a control fetish and his shitty little wingman who's perfectly content to let him run amok. Well, now that Dapper's escaped I'm sure you'll reap what you've sown soon enough.

“Yeah,” spits Chase as Mateo drags him to his feet. “I hope you get in so much fucking trouble for letting my ‘time bomb’ brother get away. I hope he makes you never have existed.”

“You and Cedar are kind of alike,” answers Mateo mildly, handling him towards the front of the train. “You both actually think you’re scary. Shut the hell up and let’s go.”

“My big brothers are going to kick your ass.”

Anonymous asked: Is it so hard to believe that these bedraggled, clearly-traumatized guys could be, you know, victims? Instead of perpetrators? And maybe the disappearance of the Lapwings is connected to the monster that tried to hide them? Use your heads, guys. Cops was an apt disguise choice, y'all seem just as eager to shoot first and ask questions never.

“You know what,” says Mateo. “Who gives a fuck? At his age he knows he isn’t allowed into a country unregistered. He was probably identified within two days of his presentation with magic that powerful. And he should especially know not to be sneaking around with all this going on - the Lapwings disappearing overnight, the Sunbird Prince coming home to his order in bloody remains on the floor. Magicians dead in Peru, Italy, Japan, apparently just for the fun of some sadist. And then what do you know… today, months later, not one but two matching magical signatures appear on our radar, entering our country and apparently converging on Brighton. Now, it’s pretty clear what’s happening - a pair of magical terrorists has suddenly lost their ability to hide from the rest of the magical world. Because you know something? Things like that don’t happen.

“Magicians know how to hide from the things that would hurt them. Orders know how to recognize and destroy threats. When one of us dies, everybody hears about it, and we all know that a week later, we’re supposed to get a report saying that the perpetrator has been caught and contained. Then the Peruvians start warning about a technimagic possessor with a multitude of powers and no recognizable species? Fuck off. That’s crazy. And we know you’re all wrapped up in it.”

He pushes Chase towards a car waiting in the crowded streets.

“But even if you weren’t, I’m so sick of foreign magicians sneaking into my country. So you can choke on your complaints. Get in the car.”

“You’re scaring Henrik - ”

“Get in the car. Cedar, stop sulking and tell Creighton the other one’s on the loose. We don’t have much time in. If we can’t contain him we’ll deal with it the easy way.”

Anonymous asked: Helping them live and heal will always, always be worth it. Fuck you, Antisepticeye. Their survival will be a final fuck you.

That’s what this is supposed to be. They’re supposed to be surviving. Moving on. Healing.

“We can’t do this again,” chokes Chase, feeling tears well in his eyes. “We’re not doing this again. We can’t. We can’t. You’re scaring him, please, please.”

“Stop talking.”

Henrik is stuck beside the door of the car, his teeth drawn back in alarm, a faint panic beginning in his eyes. Cedar grabs the back of his neck and Henrik shudders, his arms wrapping around himself protectively.

“He’s been through enough, please.”

“Give him a moment,” says Mateo levelly. “Go slower and he’ll stay more calm.”

Anonymous asked: Chase, I'm sorry about this, but I suggest you go with it for now. We don't want to see you or Henrik get hurt. We can figure something out.

“Let me help him,” pleads Chase. Mateo’s eyes fixate on him for a moment before he gives a nod of his head. Chase reaches back towards Henrik and takes his hand.

“I’ve got you,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. Last time I know we weren’t on the same side until the end, when I was able to see what was happening to you. But I’ve got you this time. I’m here. I’m on your side.”

Henrik shakes his head at him. Chase sees the fear in his face. He can’t stand it. Not this.

He closes his eyes.

“Not this,” he prays, and then someone answers, and you see the flash of m

Dapper sits straight up in Anti’s bed, blood weeping from his nose. You clatter off the side of the bed, giving you a full view of the California forest outside the great window, where a pyre is smoking in the trees. You can hear Dapper retching and choking, stumbling out of bed. If you were there, you would smell blood and old books.

“Dapper!” someone shouts from downstairs. “Hey!”

He crashes to his hands and feet beside you, blood raining onto the floor.

Anonymous asked: Oh there it is! The godamm xenophobia and intolerance. Wouldn't be britain otherwise, uh? You guys are seriously the worst, I hope you miserably fail and get what you deserve.

“Hey, I’m British,” protests Dapper sluggishly, trying to draw himself to his feet. “Sorry he was mean. I - ”

He crashes back onto his hands and knees, tears running down his face. You can still see his catatonia in the way he is shaking out his hands between words, trying to get that fire out, trying to move enough to cool the flames.

“Dapper!”

Jackie is there a moment later, grabbing his shoulders and holding him.

“Dap, here I am. What the hell did you do? You shouldn’t be time-traveling without magic. What happened? Did Dark come to get you? You’re safe, Dap. It’s okay. I’ll fix whatever I need to to make sure that whatever happened that scared you enough to time travel - I won’t let it happen again.”

It is the past again, weeks back. Anti has been dead one day.

Chase was right about him. Jackie looks like himself again. Jackie feels like himself again.

“I’ll fix it,” Jackie promises. “I will.”

His voice does not know fear.

nikkilbook asked: Wow, you are incompetent. Henrik is a heart surgeon, you absolute paperclip. On top of that, he’s family, and family can’t treat family. Pretty sure that’s a form of medical malpractice. Third, exactly how many times have we told you in this conversation that all three of them have been through the ringer? The thing that killed the Sunbirds and lit a swath of the Peruvian jungle on fire has been keeping them captive for months. Torture, hypnotism, conditioning. They are a mess right now, and they’re just looking for somewhere safe to rebuild themselves. Just freaking listen to them and keep your hands to your freaking self.

Jackie blinks over at the beeping camera.

His hands reach out to take you from the floor.

“You turned this back on?” he asks. “The signals could lead Dark to us.”

Dapper is just shaking, trying to come back to himself. Jackie sits back with him against the side of Anti’s bed, mouth pursed, and he

reads the message over.

“Well, shit,” he sighs, and he kind of lets you fall to the floor beside him, sinking back against the bed. “Nothing’s ever easy, is it?”

Anonymous asked: Jackie? Marvin? Are you guys reconnected yet? Tell me you're safe. Chase, Henrik, and Dap got a surprise visit from some magician guys, Chase and Henrik have been taken and are otherwise okay, but Dap ran off during an episode and we have no idea where he is and we don't have any way to contact him.

“Are you having an episode now?” asks Jackie, trying to get first things first.

Dapper shakes his head.

“Are you telling me the truth?”

Dapper shrugs, his head falling down against Jackie’s shoulder. Jackie nods slowly and wraps an arm around him, gaze distant as he thinks, and waits, and guards him til he can tell him what it is he needs.

“He doesn’t leave me be, Jackie,” signs Dapper. “He’s dead for the rest of you but he’s still here beside me.”

“Give it time,” murmurs Jackie.

“What will that change?” answers Dapper. “My own head is the home of his ghost.”

“Once I get you out of America, I can make sure you have medication again. It will make things easier.”

“There’s just more people to hurt us wherever we go.”

“We don’t have to go to England, Dap.”

But it only seems to deepen the misery in Dapper’s face.

Anonymous asked: Aagghh! The one time I go to bed early on a Friday you guys come back online. Didn't get to speak with you last night but I'm glad to see you're starting to find yourselves again. We're all still here for you.

Jackie smiles at you.

“Well, I don’t want anyone tracking these cameras, but you guys are still cool,” he says. “Yeah, we’re… we’re doing our best.”

His gaze drifts back out to the pyre in the forest.

“It’s been just a day but it feels… longer. I don’t know. Like everything has changed. I guess it has.”

Even in a day, he looks different. He seems different.

“I feel different,” he says. “Like some part of me got free of something it didn’t even know it was stuck in. I’ve been thinking all this time about how I have to get them out of this, have to get them out of this, have to get them out. And now I realize I was trying to get out too. And I can breathe again. Does that make sense? I can breathe.”

He looks back at you, blinking.

“So hi is what I’m trying to say,” he grins.

nikkilbook asked: There’s my brilliant boy. There you are, Astrifer.

Jackie laughs, letting his head fall back. “Ah, it’s nothing. Just glad I’m not freaking out. Thought I would be. Kind of proud of myself. Maybe it’ll hit me later but right now I’m good. Um, but it’s not… it’s not easy for everyone.”

tristarlolly asked: Okay, so no answers for anyone then. Great talk, assholes. And in case you're wondering if we'll shut up too, the answer is fuck you. And in case you've caught some other wayward magical persons, fuck you again

“What the hell did you guys get into?” asks Jackie, unable to fight a small smile on his face. “Well, you know you’ve always got someone watching your back, right, Dapper?”

Dapper turns away, eyes exhausted. Everybody else is always having to fight for him because he can’t do it himself. He covers his face with his hands.

“Hey… you’re okay. You’re okay.”

“What’s going on?” murmurs a familiar voice, and Blue is moving over towards them, his hand falling down on Dapper’s shoulder. “Darling, what did you do?”

“He got into some trouble and turned back… I think something happened with…”

He lets them tune out. Anti is sitting in front of him, legs crossed, head tilted.

“Come on.” His monster rolls his eyes, flipping a knife in his hands. “You were the one all determined to fight. ��Oh, Trick, I can’t see you hurting anymore!’ So sad and so strong. Just to cry over me at the last minute, hahaha. Look at you now. Shaking like a bird. Little brother all alone… no one will make this better, Dapper. It only gets worse from here.”

Voices hissing at him and laughing. In his mind, Henrik is still lying on the porch, screaming.

nikkilbook asked: Hey JJ, do you remember Poe? Do you want to play a game with us?

Dapper slumps, shrugging. Anti always gets rid of his pets.

Anonymous asked: You are not dead Jameson. We've had this conversation before, back in Columbia. You are not dead and never have been, love. Just pushed into a sleeping state of being. You can wake yourself and be more than what he tried to make you in to.

Dapper wipes at his face wearily. Blue goes to the bathroom and gets him a washcloth. He starts wiping up the blood around his nose and mouth, purring reassurances at him, and Dapper just stares up into the face of the person who killed his twin, and wishes he knew what he was feeling.

Helplessness? Disappointment? Relief? Anger?

Blue strokes his hair and it feels nice. He just wishes that he could stop imagining Anti’s hands in his hair - but then again, wouldn’t that be a comfort to him?

I’m so fucked up, he thinks to himself, and you see the way the exhaustion slides through his face.

To be alive - to be himself again -

Would he want that? Does he want to want that? What would it be like? And how?

“Poor thing, making yourself sick,” says Blue, scratching his beard for a second. “Come on. I’ll make you some breakfast.”

Well. Better than nothing.

“Choke on it,” spits his image of Anti, watching over him from the bed. “Little traitor. I’ll still be dead when your stomach is full.”

nikkilbook asked: Henrik, Chase—I know this is freaky, but you’re doing great. You’ve both done so good. These guys are self-righteous jackholes, but I don’t think they’re sadists and they definitely aren’t on Anti’s level. Pushing back hasn’t really worked so far, so let’s try another approach. Try being compliant, but not submissive. Listen to what they say, and walk there under your own power. Stay together, and keep your heads high.

“So,” says Jackie, sitting at the table and flipping through messages as he shovels bites of muffin into his mouth, ignoring the golden cat mewling for a snack by his feet, “it looks like some fucking asshole magicians tried to scoop my little brothers off the street and kidnap them. Well, we’ll see those fuckers again because there’s no way they’re getting away with hypothetically doing that to them. Shit, but we’re not flying out of America for a while. Did Dapper turn time back this far?”

He glances worriedly over at his younger brother. Blue is fussing over him in the kitchen, making him hot cocoa and snacks. For a second, Jackie’s eyes slide to Blue instead of Dapper, puzzled. He can mother-hen, definitely, but why is it almost frantic now? Blue won’t stop touching Dapper, petting his hair or squeezing his hand or turning around to touch his shoulder. He paces. There’s an edge to him that Jackie does not recognize. He puts his chin in his hand and sighs out, taking another bite of muffin. Noodle leaps up on the table and shoves his determined face into Jackie’s plate. Jackie pushes him off the table again and turns to you.

“Well,” he says. “We’re in for some wild times, I think. The next few weeks would be nuts even if we weren’t moving and broke and, like, wanted by the FBI or whatever. It’s going to be quite the fucking journey.”

He hears Chase begin chattering to Henrik in the other room, talking to him to distract him as he rebandages his injuries and looks after him. Blue is trying to help Dapper ground himself in the kitchen, brushing at his hair. And out in the forest, the pyre is still smoking. Hours and hours later, it is still smoking, and the cloud of it hangs in the sky like an omen.

But Jackie can see the sun beyond it. The summer’s coming.

“You’re welcome to join us if you want,” he says softly, and when he turns, he gives you a smile like he used to, years ago, before he forgot and relearned what it was to hope for something.

nikkilbook asked: Jackie, do you have a way to reach out to the magicians? Like, make it happen on your terms? Heck, America is so heterogenous that it seems like it would make sense for, where there are Irish Americans, there would be—what, Lapwing-Eagles? No one’s ever accused us of being good at names. Maybe find someone who had a connection with Marvin’s order before they went poof, or reach out to the Peruvians or somebody who can help you get like the magicians’ version of a visa or something. There’s gotta be a way to run this so that nobody ends up hurt and you guys don’t have to hide anymore.

“Reach out to magicians? I don’t like magicians.”

Jackie glances back at the other room, where Blue and Dapper are pulling linens from a closet and shoving them into garbage bags.

“Except one, I suppose.”

“Want to come help?” asks Blue a little chidingly, turning to his twin with hands on his hip.

“I’m trying to figure out where to go,” mumbles Jackie, scrawling notes in a torn up copy of Pride and Prejudice. “If we can’t go to England… but maybe we could. We’d just have to know how to deal with the magicians who came after my little brothers.”

He pauses, rereading the message.

“Shit, maybe I do need to try and get some more info,” he sighs. “Don’t know who I could trust, though. Or even how to contact them. Don’t have the cash to fly to Peru. All I’ve got are a couple tickets Anti left for himself, Trick, and Dap, and the rest we’ll have to buy with whatever we can pawn.”

Blue has moved to the kitchen, pulling silver from the drawers to load up into backpacks. They’re stripping the place and moving on before Dark starts coming around to ask questions.

Jackie closes his eyes for a second, mouth pursed.

“I would really like to go to England,” he admits quietly.

In the other room, Chase is sharing a roll with his twin, talking to Dok. He isn’t as settled as you saw him a couple weeks in the future and you can tell he hasn’t slept. You can hear him trying to coax Dok to talk to him, but his brother will not answer.

nikkilbook asked: We saw. Schneep’s still kinda catatonic, Chase is having nightmares, JJ’s grieving, hallucinating, and withdrawing all at the same time, and Marvin’s a lit fuse. You’re all processing, and not a one of you has a professional to help you through it. All you’ve got is a bunch of voices in a camera.

“You’re not catatonic,” protests Chase hastily, pushing the camera slightly away from Henrik. “You’re fine, man, don’t worry. Come on, have something to eat.”

His leg is bouncing a thousand miles a minute. He feeds Henrik another piece of roll.

“Maybe he does need some professional help,” suggests Blue, wandering up beside them to drape himself over Chase’s shoulders like a heavy-weight scarf. “He - ”

“No, I can pull him out of it!” insists Chase. “He’s okay, Blue’s Clues.”

“Let’s just get used to the idea a little, yeah? Trick, yeah?”

Chase glances up at him, blinking. “Actually… I want to be Chase now.”

Blue blinks back at him before a faint discontent falls into his eyes. “Alright,” he says. “You and Ro both. Jackie… fine. You’re my amata however.”

“Amata,” repeats Chase, a blush rising on his cheeks. “Hey, you’re teasing me.”

“Nah, just love you,” insists Blue. “Both of you. Come help me pack up the house, babe.”

“No, I want to stay with Henrik.”

“Jackie’s right there, hun.”

Chase shakes his head and forks another piece of roll.

nikkilbook asked: Didn’t the Ravens have a tech guy? Someone who was able to shield Schneep’s camera from Anti? They have tech, you’ve got you. Is there a way to use your super sneaky hacking skills to reach out to them? Or maybe reach out to Gigi and see if he can help you get through? Lean into what you’re good at, Jackie. You don’t have to play this Anti’s way anymore.

“Gigi,” mutters Jackie, chewing on his nails. “Well… or Host, fuck. Was he a magician? Kind of? But they live with Dark. I’m scared he’ll take JJ. Do you think? Maybe one of them would know.”

“Or we could go to Ireland,” calls Blue from Chase’s side. “Where I might actually know other magicians.”

“Dapper’s British. We should take him home so he can get some of his identity back.”

Blue flashes him a skeptical look. “Is that why you want to go to England?”

Jackie shrugs and purses his mouth, picking at his hangnails til the blood comes, eyes drifting away. Dapper tries to sneak past him on quiet feet a moment later, but blue eyes fix on him before he can get up the stairs.

“No, Dap! Enough time lying in that bed. You’re starting to creep me out up there. Come on, I’ll help you empty all the valuables out and then we can get out of this fucking house.”

“We’re really leaving? My brother is here.”

“He’s ashes, Dap. Ashes. Fuck him. Let’s go.”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: Hey Jackie, if there's another reason you want to go to England, you should be honest. With us, at least. Besides, I think I have a good idea about who you want to see, anyway.

Jackie sighs through his nose. “Right now I just gotta focus on them. Once everybody’s feeling better… well, right now I gotta be big brother. But seriously, I think it would be good for Dap to be home. And I think that might be where all of us have some connections. I think that’s where we were living before Anti got us. I want to find… people I don’t even remember. People they don’t even remember. The ghosts, you know? I think there are ghosts in the UK.”

Anonymous asked: There's no shame in missing or grieving Anti, JJ. It's in fact common to miss your abuser, to miss someone who manipulated you into loving them and instilled a sense of comfort into you. He gave you no one else to hold on to, gave you no allowance to love anyone else. It's perfectly normal to have loved him with how intense his manipulation on you was. You may have loved the monster, but it was never your choice to make. You don't need to feel shame.

“Yeah, he’s just in your head a little,” says Blue, taking Dapper’s arm and pulling him upstairs before he can even raise his hands to respond to you. “Give it a couple weeks and his power will fade. You’ll be yourself again. Just bear with us a while, starling. I saw you fight for yourself out there on the grass. I know you’re there. I’m going to help you get some weight back on your bones and we’ll take you to a shrink and you’re going to feel so much better, love. Trust me, okay? Now go get the jewelry out of the bathroom, there’s a good boy.”

nikkilbook asked: I’ve officially decided that the Robins are ridiculous in both name and temperament. I have no patience for you or your order.

Blue snorts, picking at Anti’s stash and shoving the good things into a backpack.

“Are British magicians really called Robins?”

“I don’t know, honestly. Hey, hey, wait, Blue!”

“Don’t clap at me, I’m looking.”

“That’s mine, give, please?”

“Don’t sign like a baby, Dap, I’m not going to smack you for asking for something.”

Blue has Dapper’s golden Christmas knife in his hands.

“You don’t need to carry this anymore. And you’re off your medication. You don’t need weapons. Besides, how will we get it on the plane? Ask your big brother for a new knife when we get to a new country and you’re not so sick.”

“Anti gave it to me,” protests Dapper shakily, climbing to his feet. “Please can I have it, Blue?”

“Dapper, go get the jewelry. You don’t need to keep presents from your fucking abuser.”

Dapper’s face goes through an alarmingly rapid cycle of different colors. You don’t know if he’s about to cry, collapse, or throw himself at Blue like a rabid cat, but he isn’t looking very stable.

Blue looks up at him, eyes cool.

“Go sit with Red,” he tells him. Evidently aware of the change in him, Blue gets up and finds Dapper’s stuffed bear somewhere on the bed, holding it out for him. “You’ll calm down.”

Dapper stares at him, mouth twitching.

“Don’t be a brat,” says Blue. “You’re fine. Everything is fine now.”

Dapper seems to sink in on himself, his gaze evening out and his eyes widening in a sweet look of apology. He takes the bear and turns to slink back to Red’s side, wrapping his arms around himself and sitting down beside Jackie, who absent-mindedly reaches out to rub his back.

Blue gets the jewelry himself, shoving it into his backpack beside a wrapped golden knife.

Anonymous asked: It's okay to feel ashamed for giving so much of yourself to Anti, Trick. That type of abuse is so humiliating and dehumanizing, and you were faced with hypnotism and magic to add on top of it. You'll start to get yourself back, man. Give it time, & don't blame yourself so much for what happened. Focus on your present actions and how you all can heal now, rather than being stuck in the shame. I've been through similar abuse and I know these feelings effing suck. Try to grieve and heal healthily.

Chase sits with Henrik, the pair of them lounging with a book between them. Henrik looks down at it intently and Chase is hopeful that he’s actually reading it. He sets his head on his brother’s shoulder and gives you a small smile, though his eyes are ringed in tired circles.

“He really did humiliate me, didn’t he?” murmurs Chase, glancing out the window, where the birds are flicking through the trees. “I don’t… don’t know how to get over what I let him turn me into. But I hope you’re right. Cause I do want myself back. I can’t take back that I didn’t come to help Dok or Blue or Red faster, but I fought in the end. So… I guess I can work on taking care of them now. And, um.”

He looks down at his burned hand and shakes his head, eyes burning for a second.

“Wish I didn’t miss him,” he whispers. “But, uh, I guess that’s just part of it. I’ll keep moving. It’s… okay to miss him. Even if he did do those things to me. It’s okay.”

Leaning over the railway of the stairs above them, Blue looks down at them with something dark in his flickering eyes.

nikkilbook asked: Once again, not an expert, but I feel like that kind of behavior is an excellent way to reinforce trauma, Marvin. Ripping away the things that he associates positive memories with instead of him choosing when and where and if to let them go doesn’t feel like it’s going to help anything. Do I need to warn Chase that you’re going to make him leave his cat behind in a ditch somewhere?

“I know for a fact that Anti’s cut him with this knife,” snarls Blue, throwing his backpack to the ground for a second to tear it out. And for a second, Blue makes this weird motion - circling the blade at his neck like he’s imagining someone cutting into him - before he throws it back down again. “He’s just clinging to shit that hurts him. Same way he couldn’t kill Anti. I was the one who did it. I’m the one who has to clean up the mess for everyone. Who has to suck the poison out. He’ll feel better once it’s done.”

Anonymous asked: Blue, what's wrong? Why are you being an ass to JJ? You need to take things slow, you can't just immediately expect everything to be perfect. Your brothers need time to mourn and so do you.

“Mourn?” Blue barks out a laugh. “Did you miss the part where I killed him? I’m not mourning… everything’s good, like I said it would be. Dapper’s still a little hypnotized and Trick’s just scared for Dok. But it’s fine. Hell, Red and I are fucking fantastic. Once we all get settled and get some help, yeah, then you’ll see. Nobody’s mourning. He was a monster. Let him rot.”

His hands shake for a second. His eyes burn with that same frantic fire you saw the last time you talked with them, when he would not stop petting at Dapper. He grabs the railing of the stairs and wraps his arm around his stomach, looking a little more green than blue.

Anonymous asked: Blue, it's okay to be grieving you know. Don't let this anger and sadness change you. In the future we were just in, you shouted so much, scared Henrik so much, that he threw up. You hit things and screamed at people. Best to nip this in the bud now than let it consume you, yeah?

“Did I?” asks Blue weakly, sinking to the ground as though the information has taken his knees out from under him. “I was probably just… probably did it for a reason? I - I protected them! I did… on my own, I was the one who did it. He was screaming for me to stop, but I didn’t.”

tristarlolly asked: Hey Blue? Not for nothing, not everyone has taken Antis death the same as you. And I don't mean that as an attack or a chastisement, you did the right thing. You managed to do what needed to be done even when everyone else hesitated. Just remember that there's a lot of hurt and confusion behind that hesitation. I just don't want things to brew into resentment and a big part of avoiding that is going to involve patience with one another.

Blue runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head.

“They were all just standing there,” he whispers. “Why didn’t anybody help me?”

nikkilbook asked: Jackie. You can be more than one thing at once. You’re allowed to want things. You’re allowed to be someone independent of your brothers needs. You need a support system, too. You’re not just the big brother. You’re a person, too. You’re you.

Jackie flips idly through his notes, breathing out a sigh. “I don’t know… maybe later. I like being big brother.”

And if he pulls his gaze away from the camera a little too fast, well, he isn’t volunteering any more info.

“And you are little brother,” he adds teasingly, grinning down at Dapper.

Dapper’s mouth is slightly parted. His eyes are glazed.

“Dapper?” asks Jackie, reaching for him.

Dapper glances up at him after a moment. His hands rise, fall, rise. “Am I a brat?”

“Uh,” says Jackie. “I don’t know. I don’t really even know what that means. You’re a little spoiled, I guess, but not… actually spoiled. Like babied, I guess. You really whine sometimes.”

“Oh.”

“But you can be whoever now,” adds Jackie cheerfully.

Dapper stares up at him for a moment before curling in over his bear and sticking the curve of his thumb in his mouth, digging his teeth into it. It strikes Jackie as slightly odd, but he isn’t one to judge, especially with the way he’s been chewing his hoodie strings to bits.

Anonymous asked: They didn't help because they had been under his control and gaslighting for much longer than you. You were also very much in a moment of rage. They should have helped, you're right. It's like Chase said to you. You never should've had to carry this burden alone. Talk to them about it. Communicate and tell them how it made you feel. Don't let feelings sit and fester, and it might help the anger in the future.

Blue sighs, rubbing at his face. He can feel the bags beneath his eyes, the pockmarks of acne, the scratches his brother left behind. His short hair feels oily beneath his fingers.

“No,” he protests. “No… everything’s okay. I’m just a little overwhelmed. But I’m good. You’re right, I was angry. I still am. But that anger kept us safe. Burns the same way my magic does.”

Anonymous asked: Blue, we were JUST in the future, weeks from now, before JJ decided to rewind. Nothing much had changed in the mourning department. And you were not "fantastic," and you aren't right now. At the very least, don't lie to yourself.

“Well, but I will be,” he says, almost whimpering now. “This is going to ease out. Just give me a day or two. It’s fine. It’s - it’s trauma, really, from all the shit Anti did to me. I was having bad days before I killed him too. This is just more of the same. I don’t care about killing him. He deserved it. Yeah.”

He seems to have convinced himself a little, nodding his head.

“I just want to keep taking care of the others. Okay - maybe I was a little abrasive with Dap. I have to keep control of myself.”

nikkilbook asked: Maybe focus on sucking the poison out of yourself, Marvin. Cuz that was like. Twelve red flags all at once.

“No, it wasn’t, I’m fine, I told you,” mumbles Blue, burying his face in his arms. “That’s not my name, anyway. Anti killed him, weren’t you there? Marvin couldn’t handle it. I’m the one who fought. Blue. Blue fought. Blue killed him, nobody else. I’m myself and I’m fine. I’m just… just…”

He hugs his stomach. Green again. Digging his nails into his skin.

“Blue, I’m Blue, I’m…”

crystalninjaphoenix asked: Hey Marvin, Blue? I get that youre trying to be helpful, and you want everything to move on now that Antis gone, but I think you could have handled that better. Dappers going through a rough time right now, he was WAY more attached to Anti than you were, and hes having trouble letting go. Its not his fault, its that Anti was such a big part of his life that he cant help but be upset. I dont see the problem with letting him keep the knife for now. It might ease the process and help him feel safe.

Blue licks his mouth, breathing picking up a little as he thinks, sulking there at the top of the stairs.

Dapper upset. Dapper upset. Huh.

His arms curl tighter around himself. Tighter, tighter.

And then he jerks forward, gritting his teeth. He picks that knife off the ground and squeezes it between his hands until the blood comes from his palms.

With it, fire.

Pure heat pours from him.

You watch Blue melt that knife into liquid, leaving it searing into the carpet and gnawing black the floorboards beneath.

He drops what remains of the handle, hearing it clatter to the floor.

Molten steel drips off his fingers.

[thevampiremarie]

Hey there sapph! I hope things are well... the last update from u I saw about your pain and going to the hospital and since life got so busy for me I wasn't able to keep check ;;

I hope your situation got better or is getting better, you seem so nice and I am a fan so I definitely wish the best for you. Trying to see whats going on mobile is so confusing for me lol

Aw hi!!! Thank you for checking up on me. I appreciate it 🫶🫶🫶. Seriously. Means the world.

Unfortunately… things haven’t really gotten better? I relapsed a couple times because of seeing one of my abusers and then I got super duper sick a week ago (and I’m still coughing/runny nose/feverish). And then I had to take one of my roommates to the hospital because she was screaming for literally 2 days straight (only to discover she’s a raging alcoholic tripping on meth and cocaine at the same time?????? I was terrified). Also had to deal with cops and EMTs because one of my roommate’s friends called in a wellness check.

All of this has not left me with a lot of spoons for being on tumblr/writing unfortunately.

I’m also dealing w a lot of impostor syndrome/anxiety around writing and disappointing people and not writing good anymore which is making me hide 😞😞😞.

Idk idk idk. It’s been a lot. I really really really need a break. I’m also having to cough up $1500 to get these epidural steroid shots I need into my spine because I STILL can’t walk very well and I want to be in better shape so I have the spoons to do all the shit the surgeon wants before he can operate on me. I’m exhausted 24/7 and so burnt out that all I can do is cry and binge watch tv.

The American healthcare system is hell!!! Actual hell on earth 😞.

My shots have been rescheduled like 3-4 times because of (myriad of bullshit) and I want this to be over. I want to be normal. I want to have my energy back and be able to write and walk and be the kind of person I was before this flare.

Sorry for just bitching a whole lot, I hope some of this is relatable to whoever is reading this and y’all know that you’re not alone 🫶

[missusdiary]

july 19th. 2024

i’ve found myself doing more research into the art of detachment recently.

for a while now i’ve attempted some semblance of detachment by just ignoring the things that happen to me and then try to forget about them. sometimes i would think about how they made me feel, and what i could do to stop feeling that way, but i never actually solved what was ailing me and moved forward from it.

i ended up carrying things with me, despite my wanting to move on because i didn’t actually work through it. thinking about things over and over doesn’t do that, and while it seems simple when i write it out, it’s so hard to tell if i’m convincing myself that i’m getting over something versus actually getting over it.

somewhere along the way -i guess this might stem from trauma- i suppose i stopped analyzing and listening to any emotional turmoil and forced myself to get over it because i wasn’t receiving any support or comfort from it. maybe because when i was younger, and people brushed off my, well, everything..i stopped actually listening to how i felt and just tried to forget about it.

i remember i recognized the pattern around 13 or 14 but could never decide if i wanted to change it or not because at the time it kinda worked for me. i was unhappy and i always felt misunderstood but as long as i knew how i felt, it didn’t really matter.

thus, i’ve grown into an adult who holds grudges for years and years instead of speaking up about things when they happen. things i will never confront anyone about because i’m a coward.

so, in comes the art of detaching properly!

i’ve wanted to work on this because of the problems listed above as well as just not feeling like shit and overanalyzing things i cannot control. it’s exhausting and i’m so sick of it. i want to learn how to not think about things or take things personally and all that.

for a while i thought i was doing pretty well and i was pretty chill but i’m all fucked up and i want to be better.

this next part is kinda the catalyst to all this.

i am surrounded by couples, have been for years now, and the one i’m closest to are open. one has a crush on their friend whom they introduced to their partner, and now both of them are crushing. they don’t know this person’s exact orientation or type.

my closer friend was kinda joking but also serious saying “oh y’all cant meet” because what if the person likes me?

my closer friend of the couple claims they have romantic ish feelings for me and we’ve entertained the thought of being together casually for a couple years now, and have kissed a couple of times. they’ve expressed that they want me, but i think the problem is that i do not want them. not because they’re unattractive but, because i want someone to myself.

i’ve been single forever. literally. every little fling or situation-ship i’ve had has crashed and burned and i keep hearing that certain things are better when you have someone you care about to do them with.

okay, cool. i don’t get out much, so i doubt i’m finding them anytime soon. whatever, i need to work on myself anyways.

however, it’s lonely as fuck not being someone else’s first priority. not having someone just for me, not being able to share things only with one another. my own person who actually likes me.

pair that with literally everyone else having some kind of personal support system to themselves and boundaries between us, while also being their emotional support?

bruh.

so when they were like “what if they like you?” i was like

“idk, what if?” i’ve never met this person, idk anything about them, so i’m not really really thinking about it.

in passing, before this conversation -because i’m a lonely bitch- i thought “omg what if they’re my soulmate?” and then i was like “if it happens it happens” and of course i’ve got a bit of hope in my soul because i’ve waited long enough have i not? don’t i deserve to be happy as well?

but i wasn’t planning anything. i really just brushed it off. then we had the conversation and i was like, well if someone else thinks there’s a chance it could happen, mayhaps? but the thing that bothered me was, while i know they have their crushes, i do not know this person. this person is not a thing to put dibs on or internalize plans to woo them.

i just felt kinda weird about the whole thing, because what if? and my question wasn’t really answered.

i felt like, because of my friend’s romantic feelings for both of us, they were kinda trying to fit me in a place where they could have me and have the other person as well. it was just such a weird conversation and i’ve been thinking about all that’s been implied from it.

for now i’m just gonna say i’m reading too much into things, and keep with my “whatever happens, happens.” mindset because that’s all i can really do regarding this.

there are more pressing things to attend to.

[deltas-writing-corner]

Inhale and Exhale

Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen

Pairing: Satoru Gojo x reader (gender neutral)

Author note: I’m so sorry for my inactiveness. University ain’t a joke y’all. word count is 2.2k in case anyone want to know.

Warnings: depictions of illness/infection | mentions of blood, medication/medical equipment, and death | unintentional self-injury

The first thing you noticed upon waking up was the tremendous ache throughout your whole body. Yesterday’s assignment was rather intense. You still don’t know how you managed to exorcise a curse of that magnitude without losing a limb or two. No matter, you were triumphant and that is all that matters. As unpleasant as this soreness is, it is a welcomed testament that you have been granted more time in this life. You will not take this blessing for granted.

As you move to sit yourself upright, that is when your nausea makes itself known. Like a tsunami, it pounds into your stomach with such force that it makes you curl into yourself in a pathetic attempt for relief. The bedsheets are heavy and damp with your perspiration, yet your body shivers and your teeth chatter as if you’ve woken up in the middle of a snowstorm.

The headache and lack of energy despite getting a reasonable amount of sleep make reaching over towards your nightstand and grabbing your phone embarrassingly difficult. Scrolling through your contacts is no easy feat either, not when your vision is doubling and blurring together into a strange amalgam of digital letters and numbers. As if granting you a bit of pity over your lethargic form, your phone begins to ring with an incoming call from your partner. You answer it without a second thought.

“Good morning!” Satoru, your one and only, greets you with energetic glee. Normally, you look forward to his enthusiasm whenever he calls, but your feverish condition is making you rather adverse to such boisterous positivity. “Now, I know it’s still early, but I promise I’m calling for a good reason.” he insists.

“Never mind the hour,” you dismiss. It is only when you speak that you notice how parched your mouth and throat is. “I think I’ve caught a fever.”

As if to affirm that you are indeed sick, a wet coughing fit rips apart your lungs with concerning pain.

“You sound like shit,” he jests.

“I feel like shit.”

“Hang tight,” he assures. “I should be home before noon. I’ll grab some medicine on the way.”

Surprised, you ask, “You’re not overseas?”

“No, but I got another mission thrown on me as soon as I landed,” he complains. “It won’t take long, I promise.”

“Don’t push yourself,” you fuss. “I’m sure you’re just as exhausted as I am. Make sure you come back to me in one piece, alright?”

Satoru goes silent for a moment. You can hear some of the commotions in the background. It sounds like he’s in a busy area.

 “I don’t deserve you,” he mutters into the receiver.

He lets you go, but not without a stern warning not to overexert yourself or even think about getting out of bed, not until he’s there by your side to take care of you. You haven’t the energy to argue back with his demands, seriously or playfully. As soon as he hangs up, you lower yourself back down on your stuffy mattress. After languishly tossing and turning on your side for a while, you finally find a comfortable position to relax in. The room is much brighter now that the sun has risen higher in the sky. It doesn’t bring much relief to your aching condition, but it doesn’t bother your body from lulling itself back to sleep.

The sun is still up when you reawaken. Your body still aches something terrible and your headache feels worse than before. Your body temperature doesn’t feel as temperamental as it did before. It’s made up its mind that it wants to feel overtly hot now. If you were to describe your condition now, you would label it as” worse than before”.

The door to your bedroom opens. Satoru enters with a washbasin and a damp rag in his arms “You’re up,” he notices. “Just in time too. I just got home a few minutes ago.”

“Medicine?” you croak out. Your throat feels even dryer than before. Maybe you should have drank a bit of water before going back to bed.

“In a minute,” he reassures you. “I need to take your temperature first.”

He places the water bucket on the ground before pulling out a digital thermometer from his pocket, still wrapped in its plastic and paper packaging. After holding the end under your tongue for a minute, it beeps and he takes it out of your mouth to read. A scowl finds its way onto his face, unobstructed by either blindfold or blackout sunglasses.

“How bad is it?”

“Not good,” he bluntly tells you before putting it away. He pours the purple-tinged cough syrup into a disposable medicine cup that came with the bottle. “Drink this.”

It doesn’t taste as bad as you thought it would, but by no means does it taste like a delicacy. You ask for some water to wash the flavor down, and he obliges without a word. Sitting up is an even greater struggle than before, and holding the glass is simply impossible without his help.

“Must be because of that curse you fought yesterday,” Satoru deduces. He wrings the washcloth before placing it on your forehead. The coolness makes you shiver, but it relieves your headache and temperature a bit. “Some like to turn the last bits of their cursed energy into a deadly pathogen as a last-ditch effort.”

“That’s rather desperate,” you scoff, which you immediately regret doing so as yet another coughing fit erupts from your chest and batters your throat.

“Desperate, but deadly nonetheless,” he warns. “Damn thing could have inflicted you with something worse, and you’d be none the wiser.”

“Maybe,” you take a deep breath. “Maybe Shoko should look me over, just in case?”

“Maybe,” he idles. “Let’s give it a day or two. If you aren’t better by then, I’ll have her look at you.”

A deep rumble comes from your stomach. By the time you came home last night, you were so exhausted that you went to bed without having a proper meal. 

Satoru laughs at the noise. “Hungry?”

“A bit,” you mumble sheepishly. “Though, I’m still feeling a bit nauseous.”

“No worries.” He stands up. “I know just what to make.”

He whips up some creamy soup in no time. It looks and smells rather rich, but it’s surprisingly light on your tongue and easy to swallow. You manage to slurp up only a few spoonfuls before you start coughing again. Only this time, droplets of blood and discolored pus stain the back of your hand, and your breathing is even more shallow and uneven.

“It’s most likely pneumonia,” Shoko states as she pulls her stethoscope away from your chest. “I won’t know for sure until I run some tests.” She rummages around her traveling bag and pulls out a tourniquet and a venipuncture needle. “I’ll draw some blood for now, and we’ll go from there.”

After collecting a vial of blood, she puts away her paraphernalia and leaves the room with Satoru in tow. You can barely make out her concerns from behind the door that whatever it is that’s inflicting you doesn’t appear deadly, but to not be too lax and keep her in the loop on your condition. They move away from the room. You can hear them talking still, but you can’t make out what they say exactly anymore.

There’s a slight metallic taste on your tongue. You look towards the glass of water on your nightstand. There’s still some left, but you’ve fallen back asleep before you even realized it.

Unfortunately, it is pneumonia. 

Shoko is kind enough to not only sign off on an antibiotic, but to bring it to your home so Satoru doesn’t have to leave your side. He never asks for days off from work. He can’t, really. Despite the short notice, he manages to find a suitable replacement for the next few days.

“‘M sorry,” you fret. “I should have been more careful. I should have-”

“Hey,” he interjects. “It’s like I said before, the curse you exorcized infected you out of desperation. That’s not something you can predict so easily.” 

“Still,” you insist. “Every sorcerer knows that exorcizing curses isn’t always the end of the job. God, if it isn’t one thing, it's another in this line of work!”

Your frustration kickstarts yet another coughing fit. It’s your third day bedridden. There’s more blood and pus coming out of your lungs. Your temperature hasn't gone up, but it hasn’t gone down either. You haven’t the energy to shower, or even stand up. Sleep comes sparingly despite your lack of energy to remain awake.

The worst of it all is that Satoru can only watch as your condition worsens. You hate being the reason he worries.

Why is breathing so difficult? It’s as if you’ve forgotten how to do it. You’ve never felt more pathetic in your life than you do now. The adrenaline that courses through your veins and accelerates your heartbeat and heightens your sense of fear means little to your growing frustration with yourself. Just breathe. Damn it, why can’t you just breathe?

It’s because you can’t.

You never noticed how weighty it was until it's been pulled off of you. There’s also a sting on your neck that you don’t remember there being. You still taste blood in your mouth, but now you’re starting to smell it too. It’s very pungent, and not in a good way.

“Stop,” Satoru pleads. “You’re bleeding.”

Were you not having an episode, you’d ask him what he was talking about. He grips your wrists and pulls them away from your body with immense struggle. There are smears of red underneath your nails. The stinging on your neck is much more intense. You still can’t breathe.

“I’m right here,” he cries. You hate it when he cries. “Like me, Yeah? In,” he takes in a long, slightly exaggerated breath. His chest expands and stretches his shirt out enough that the wrinkles that have set in disappear for a moment. “And then out.”

His chest deflates, and the wrinkles come back. He hasn’t changed since he come home, you realized.

He repeats his motions. “In,” he inhales. The wrinkles go away. “And then out,” he exhales. The wrinkles come back.

He does it again, and you follow along. Inhale when the wrinkles go away. Exhale when they reappear. In and then out. Inhale and exhale. In and then out. Inhale and exhale. He looked as if he was falling apart moments ago. The more you mimic him, the more relieved he is.

There is still a coating of infection around your throat that makes you sound hoarse and in pain, but you could care less how unappealing your throat sounds. At last, you’ve been reunited with your breath after so long. Had you not found it just then, you may have lost it forever. You would have…You almost…

You almost died, and now it’s your turn to fall apart. 

Despite its near-fatal grip on your injured throat, death does not claim you. Your energy does not come back to you gradually. There is still some exhaustion, but you feel almost like your old self when you wake up one morning. Standing up on your own feet is no longer an impossibility. Your first couple of steps after a week of being bedridden are wobbly, but you’re steady by your fifth.

The first thing you do is head to the bathroom and brush your teeth. You even do two rinses of mouthwash to expel the taste of rotting blood and phlegm between your teeth. Next on the list is a piping hot shower, so you can scrub away the sticky layer of sweat and funk you’ve been riddled with. Once you’re cleaned up and dressed in new clothes, you head to the kitchen to make yourself a small but filling breakfast, for yourself and your beloved caretaker.

He’s been sleeping upright in a chair he pulled from the dining table ever since you’ve been unwell. Like yourself, he hasn’t had much luck catching some proper rest. After what happened a few nights ago, he’s been eyeing you like a hawk. There was even an instance where you caught him with a hand resting on your chest, feeling the way it expands and collapses to ensure that you are indeed still breathing even while you dream.

As you top off a stack of pancakes with a dollop of whipped cream and sliced strawberries, a crash and a bang make you jump. Satoru comes barrelling into the kitchen, desperately in search of something, of you.

“There you are,” he exhales in solace. “How do you feel?”

“Better,” you smile. “A lot better.”

He returns your assurances with a grin of his own. “Good. That’s good.”

You go to grab a fork and knife from one of the drawers. He comes up from behind you and pulls you into an unyielding embrace against his chest. His encompassing hands reach up and stroke tenderly against the lacerations on your neck. You feel the way his chest evenly expands and collapses against your back. You match your own breathing with his own. In and then out. Inhale and exhale.

“I don’t deserve you,” you mutter against his hand, bestowing it a well-deserved, tender kiss.

[theloveinc]

🐌 anon -

Okay a few things and I’ll go cause I literally- this shit-

Bakugou has had a long day at work. When he came home he literally ate so much food you had cooked from him that the smell of food makes him sick. Afterwards he took a hot ahh bath and right when he laid in y’all’s bed and did that feet rub thing everyone does he was fucking out.

A few hours later he would hear crumbling a first he thought it was just the cat coming to bed but then he heard it again and it sounded like plastic. He swears to fucking god if that fat old bastard got into some FUCKING food or weird ass international snack you eat from your home country and gets sick and he has to rush him again to the vet ER he’s gonna kick YOURS and THE CATS ass. His bright red eyes would be glaring at the dark wall in front of him and he would look on his night stand to see it’s 2am- he has to be up in 2 hours.

He was ready to grab that bastard and throw him downstairs until he hears the bed shift and causes him to jump. He’s whip around so fast that it scares you and you’re looking around asking him what’s wrong and did someone break in or something?? THIS BITCH- This man is GLARING SO HARD AT YOU CAUSE WHY TF ARE YOU EATING A UNCRUSTABLE IN YALLS BED AT 3 AM- ITS LITERALLY FROZEN! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Also that song by ghost- Mary on the cross the lyric “you’re beauty never ever scared me” makes me think of bakugou with a s/o that has a “villain” like quirk that makes her look monster like. He knows people use to pick on her and that she always wanted to be a hero growing up but her quirk is seen as “too dark” and could “scare the public” or “make people uncomfortable” but he thinks you’re just so fucking beautiful that it physically hurts him.

I can see his s/o sitting in front of a full size body mirror just staring at themselves because they wish they were quirkless because they’re seen as “dark” or “monster like” and he just kneels down beside you and cradles your face while gently whispering how beautiful you are and how you’re absolutely too perfect and beautiful for this world AHHH GAAAAAAHHWD DAMN

This is making me YELL omg, Bakugo being so tired from work he just breezes through the house not even realizing what the hell is going on.😭😭😭 Probably on one of the days he has his normal morning or day shift after an emergency fill-in the night previous, he just... is so soppy + exhausted that all he can do is be sweet to you and let you feed and cuddle him...

Which is why, OF COURSE, he ends up assuming the crinkles are from the cat (me 24/7 w/ my kitten actually)...

I'm just imagining the argument too, LMAO:

"Why... the fuck... are you eating a frozen uncrustable.......... in my bed?"

"Your bed? And uh, you were the one who dragged me in here at 8:30."

"Be quiet. We usually go to bed at 8:30."

"Yeah, after having a conversation about it like any normal couple. You were drooling all of dinner, was like talking to a robot."

"Be quiet."

"You said that already."

"Shut up. Finish your damn sandwich. Gave me a fuckin' heart attack."

(And he's like, sinking deeper into the covers and glaring at you until you finish LMAOOO. Then you do the feet rubbing thing again until he passes out, AGAIN as;djfalksjd.)

-

And for the monster quirk idea, 🥺🥺🥺 Bakugo being so hurt that he's unable to make you see how lovely you are. He really has such a hard time imagining why anyone WOULDN'T think you were the most amazing person on the planet for having not only the coolest quirk ever, but dealing with the hardships that came with it, too.

Makes him LIVID, and no matter how scary people find you, they're gonna find him even scarier when he goes after them for making you sad. Yeah, Bakugo is absolutely monster GF's protector hehehe.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

The Ultimate (Fake) Boyfriend.

Hey all!! So!! I don't know how many people read my last thingy for that top-five ask game, but either way, while answering one I was reminded of an old WIP I had started writing last August, but faced horribly writer's block for, and is now sadly stuck in WIP hell.

Well, I have 3 full chapters written, as well as most of the fourth chapter. And while I don't want to post it to AO3 when I don't know if I'll ever finish it, I realized that I COULD post it here! So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to post the first chapter now, and I'll try to post the next chapter tomorrow, so on until the fourth, half finished chapter. I don't know if I'll be able to keep this schedule, considering I'm sick and will prolly be working tomorrow regardless (I want to, I enjoy my job and am feeling better), but I'll try.

Please let me know if you like this story! I cannot guarantee this will ever be finished, but if people do like this story, it might help inspire me to write more. Again, no promises, but... maybe? Who knows.

Anyway, here is a quickly written summary. It's a bit weak and I'd definitely need to refine it should I post this to AO3, but it should give a basic idea of this fic:

Taka tells his first ever lie to his family. Unbeknownst to him, this simple lie has large (to him) consequences, and in order to calm his kyoudai down, Mondo offers to help him out. Unfortunately, this leads to them spending a week together at Taka’s maternal family reunion. This wouldn’t be so bad, except there’s one catch: they have to pretend to be in a loving, committed relationship to prevent Taka’s meddling Great Aunt from setting Taka up with her neighbor’s son. Will their friendship survive a week of pretending to date? Or will everything fall apart? Mondo has no clue, but as long as he’s with Taka, he’s willing to face anything life sends his way.

If it’s not clear from that, this is a fake dating AU, ha. 

Warning: This whole thing is about 15k words long, though a lot of that is me giving you a run down of the OC’s I created to be Taka’s family. And believe me, there are a LOT. That was part of what caused me writer’s block; there were just too many characters to keep track of, but if I eliminated some of them, some crucial plot points later on wouldn’t work. So... yeah. Oof. 

I hope y’all enjoy! I’m exhausted right now, so I’m not gonna write much more here. Let me know if you’re confused by anything! I can either fix it or explain it if it’s not clear. ^-^

 1 The Ultimate (Fake) Boyfriend. 

 Mondo looks up in surprise when he hears the doorbell to his room begin to ring incessantly, a confused frown rising on his lips. The textbook he’d been trying (and /failing/) to read lies forgotten in his lap as he checks the time, wondering who the fuck wants his attention so bad at fucking /midnight/, for Christ’s sake. Maybe if he ignores it, it will go away…?

 When the ringing (predictably) doesn’t stop, Mondo sighs heavily and stands, annoyance filling him as he lumbers over to the door. It’s a good thing he’s always been a night owl and hadn’t even been attempting sleep, or else he’d be even more pissed. As it stands, he’s still kind of pissed at the incessant ringing. Seriously, who the fuck rings the doorbell that many fucking times?!

 “Alright, alright, I’m fuckin’ comin’!” he growls as he approaches the door, loud enough to penetrate the thick wood. He sadly has only a second to appreciate the abrupt silence before he reaches the door, a scowl deep on his face as he opens it up angrily, glaring at whoever is on the other side. Who he can’t even see, given how fucking dark it is in the hallway, shit. “The fuck d’ya want, huh?!”

 Mondo doesn’t even have time for his eyes to adjust to the darkness outside his room when he is being shoved aside, the person outside his room suddenly /inside his room, what the fuck/-?!

 “Hey! What the goddamn fuck d’ya think yer doin’-?!” Mondo begins to exclaim, only to be abruptly stopped when the person turns to face him, hands imperiously planted on thin hips, a burning glare now harsh on his person. A burning glare he suddenly realizes he /recognizes/, shit. 

 “Language, kyoudai! We’ve talked about this!” his unexpected visitor exclaims loudly, looking very agitated. More agitated than usual, Mondo thinks privately, closing his door before they wake any of their classmates. While the dorms are thankfully soundproof, he knows for a fact that some of his dumbass classmates forget to fully close their doors at night. It’s a good thing they don’t have to worry about robbers or serial killers at Hope’s Peak, Jesus Christ…

 “Y’know,” Mondo begins, voice far calmer and less annoyed than it had been as his eyes take in the familiar form before him, “I don’t think that shit applies when someone barges inta yer room unannounced at fuckin’ midnight, kyoudai. Think I’m fuckin’ ‘entitled’ ta curse when that shit happens. The fuck ya even doin’ up this late, huh, Taka? Ain’t ya usu’ly asleep by now? ‘Cuz a’ yer schedule or somethin’?” 

 Mondo watches with critical eyes as Taka— his absolute best friend in this entire goddamn world, though they’re opposites in almost every regard— jolts in surprise, the imperious look on his face dropping off as shock replaces it. He frowns when Taka looks down at his watch, the teen’s eyes widening to the size of saucers as he notices the time. Ah… shit. Taka’s in one of /those/ kinda moods again. The kind where he doesn’t even notice the time, he’s so invested in whatever bullshit he’s working on. Great. Just fucking peachy. 

 With a sigh, Mondo heads over to his desk and grabs one of the energy drinks he left open earlier, knowing that he sure as hell ain’t getting any sleep now. Not when Taka’s like this. Like fuck would he leave his friend in such a state on his own, and it often takes hours to calm Taka down when he gets like this. Not that Mondo minds. He’s fairly certain he’d do absolutely anything for this fussy bastard…

 “Ah! Mondo, I am so sorry, I- I hadn’t noticed the time! I hope I didn’t wake you! I will let you get back to sleep and will come back at a more reasonable time of day, I assure you-“

 “Taka,” Mondo interrupts blandly, taking a sip of the vile liquid he regrettably has gotten used to over the years, “sit the fuck down an’ tell me what’s got ya in such a fuckin’ ‘tizzy’. Just don’t call me out on my goddamn /language/, shit. Too late ta bother with that shit.” 

 He can see Taka visibly hesitate at the order, his sense of propriety and responsibility warring with whatever caused him to get into this state in the first place. After a moment of debate, Taka hesitantly nods, striding to his bed and taking a stiff seat. Stifling a smile at the typical behavior, Mondo takes a much more leisurely and sprawling seat beside his friend, an eyebrow raised when Taka gives him a wide-eyed look. 

 “So? The fuck’s yer problem this time?” Mondo asks after a moment of silence passes, Taka staying uncharacteristically quiet. Usually when this sort of thing happens, the hall monitor is babbling away about whatever bullshit is bugging him that day, no filter at all, but today Taka is just staring at him, worrying his lip as he fucking /fidgets/. That, out of all of this, worries Mondo the most. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Taka /fidget/ before. The uptight hall monitor usually hates such ‘unscrupulous’ behavior, whatever that shit means. So, to see him doing it is very, very concerning. 

 “A-ah… p-perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered you about this after all, kyoudai… i-it truly isn’t anything important, it really can wait until morning! I- I should be going and allow you to sleep, it’s really nothing, I’m not even sure why I came over here, h-ha… d-do not worry about me, kyoudai, I’ll just be going and-“

 Mondo reaches out and grabs Taka wrist before the teen can fully stand, putting on his best ‘you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me’ face when he sees Taka look back down at him nervously. 

 “Taka. I’ve already drunk halfa’ this fuckin’ energy drink. Like hell am I gettin’ ta sleep now. So, sit yer pasty ass back down an’ tell me what the fuck is happenin’ ‘fore I fuckin’ punch ya, goddamn. Got it?” 

 Taka shuffles in place, his back bent awkwardly as he accommodates for Mondo’s firm grip on his wrist. His face is full of anxiety, which guts Mondo, though he tries to hide it. Christ, but he hates seeing his kyoudai like this… he’s tried his hardest this past year to get Taka to loosen up and stop being so obsessive about being perfect all the time, but even after all his effort, the hall monitor still suffers from such intense anxiety at times. Mondo hates it, but he has no idea how to get Taka to realize it’s okay to not try to be so perfect all the fucking time. That he’s allowed to fuck up and make mistakes. That no one expects him to be his absolute best all the time. That /Mondo/ doesn’t expect that. That Mondo doesn’t /want/ that. Not at all. 

 Before Mondo can say anything unbearably sappy and ruin his tough guy persona more than he already has, he hears Taka sigh, the teen sitting back down, though he has an intensely uncomfortable look on his face. Shit… the fuck is wrong with Taka to make him look so troubled…?

 “… you’d never hit me, kyoudai,” Taka mutters as he shifts on the bed, eyes staring absently at Mondo’s hand. Which— he realizes with a jolt— is still wrapped tightly around Taka’s wrist. Flushing, Mondo takes his hand back, raising it to rub his neck awkwardly like he always does when uncomfortable or uncertain about shit. 

 His eyes get pulled back to Taka when he hears the teen sigh, heart tugging at the intensely troubled look he finds on his kyoudai’s face. He’s seen plenty of troubled looks on Taka’s face over the past year, but this… this is among the worst he’s ever seen it. Taka looks five seconds away from bursting into tears— which honestly isn’t unusual with the hall monitor, as in tune as he is with his emotions, but… shit. Something about this time seems worse somehow. 

 It’s after another ten seconds have passed in uncomfortable silence— Mondo not sure what to say to make this shit better— that Taka finally begins to speak, looking up at him with tired eyes. 

 “I… I really don’t know where to even begin, kyoudai… I don’t even know why I came over. I had decided earlier today that I would handle this on my own, that I wouldn’t bother you with my stupidity. After all, this entire mess is my own fault and thus I should be the one to clean it up, not you! But… I- I do not know. I was just thinking about you and suddenly I found myself outside your door, not even realizing the time. You… you always know how to fix tricky situations, kyoudai… I envy that about you…” 

 Mondo decides then and there that he /despises/ the sad look Taka has on his face, suddenly determined to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Filled with this onslaught of determination, Mondo puts a steady hand on Taka’s shoulder, ignoring the startled jump the teen gives at the touch. 

 “Taka. I don’t care what the fuck it is ya did. Hell, ya coulda’ fuckin’ killed a dude fer all I care. I will always, fuckin’ /always/ be here ta help ya out. Now, where’s the goddamn body an’ where d’ya wanna hide it, huh?” 

 Like Mondo had expected, the sad looks get replaced by a stern one, the very familiar glare strangely comforting to see. As is the small smile that his best friend can’t fight, despite his clear best efforts to be serious. Ha. Take that, Taka’s anxiety. 

 “Mondo Owada, that is not funny! Abetting a murderer is a serious crime! Besides! If I were ever to do such a heinous act, for whatever inconceivable reason, I assure you that I would immediately turn myself over to the authorities without question! I would decidedly not attempt to hide it! Hiding such a criminal act is almost as bad as committing it, I assure you!” 

 Mondo can’t help it. He laughs loudly, grateful the rooms are soundproof so he won’t have to deal with a crabby Togami bitching at him in the morning. Seeing Taka’s lips twitch upward— though the hall monitor stubbornly tries to fight it— Mondo can’t help how he leans forward and pokes Taka’s cheek cheekily. Even the peeved scowl can’t stop the buoyancy filling his heart. Not when he can still see the smile trying to fight its way onto Taka’s lips. 

 “Oh yeah? If it ain’t funny, why the fuck ya smilin’?” Mondo taunts, snickering as Taka’s scowl intensifies. He doesn’t even fight it when Taka’s hand slaps his away in annoyance, too amused to mind the mild sting. ‘Sides. Ain’t like he’s not faced much worse. 

 “I-! That is entirely beside the point, Mondo! It’s still a crime!” Taka blusters, cheeks pink. But hey, at least that anxiety is no longer on his face. Thank /fuck/.

 Like the hall monitor heard his thoughts and is determined to prove him wrong, Mondo watches in dismay as the lightness that had momentarily entered his kyoudai’s expression fades, the anxiety returning with a vengeance. It hurts so fucking bad to see it and Mondo only just barely manages to suppress the desire to wrap his arms around Taka and take away each and every worry the teen has ever had. Barely. 

 Sighing unhappily, Taka looks away from Mondo, his hands fiddling with the uniform he’s still wearing. Even at fucking midnight. If Mondo didn’t know better, he’d think Taka even /sleeps/ in the goddamn thing. But no. Taka sleeps in the goddamn /nude/. A fact he definitely didn’t learn the hard way, thank you very much… 

 “Anyway. M-Mondo. You… er. You know that my mother’s side of the family is having a family gathering shortly after break begins, yes?” Taka states suddenly, pulling Mondo away from a /very/ inappropriate memory, shit. Blinking, Mondo tries to recall what the fuck Taka is talking about, only remembering as Taka gets an exasperated look on his face, his eyes lighting up as he remembers. 

 “Oh, yeah! That annual family reunion bullshit ya’ve been dreadin’ fer weeks, right?” Mondo questions, not thinking about his words. He winces at Taka’s unimpressed look, smiling sheepishly to show his apology at his thoughtless statement. Luckily, Taka decides not to lecture him (for once…) and just sighs, shaking his head in a way Mondo likes to think is fond. 

 “I’m not /dreading/ it, per se, just… well. There are some very… /interesting/ people on my mother’s side of the family and the gathering is often uncomfortable for me, that’s all,” Taka explains, before pausing again. With another sigh (at least the fifth or sixth he’s heard that night, which is honestly hella concerning considering how Taka rarely allows himself to show such ‘weakness,’ or whatever), Taka looks at the floor, hands wringing anxiously. “Well, anyway… y-you also know that I, um… that I /came out/ to my family earlier this year, yes?” 

 Mondo blinks at the question, feeling a simmering anger rise inside him. Not at Taka, fuck no! But just… at that entire fucking situation. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the pained and terrified look Taka got on his face after he’d told Mondo that he was gay a few days before winter break last year, tears streaming down his face as he insisted that he understood if Mondo hated and wanted to ‘punish’ him now. He’d held Taka the entire night, whispering softly that he’d never hate him, that he didn’t fucking care who the teen was and wasn’t attracted to, and that he would always, /always/ view Taka as his absolute best friend in this entire goddamn world, no matter what. He’d been massively embarrassed by it in the morning, remembering how soft and sappy he’d gotten, but he had never fully regretted it. Not with how light and happy Taka had looked for days after, like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. No… he definitely didn’t regret that at all. 

 Telling his family hadn’t gone quite as well, Taka had informed him softly when they arrived back at school in January, his da initially resistant to the idea. Thankfully, over time his da began to accept Taka fully, his ma wearing the man down. Taka had obviously forgiven the man immediately when he apologized, as much of a martyr as his kyoudai is. Mondo, on the other hand, doesn’t think he’ll ever forgive the man for making Taka think— for even one second— that there was something wrong with him for liking dudes over chicks. He never tells Taka that, though, as he knows it’s a sore subject with his kyoudai. 

 Still… if whatever’s got Taka in such a nervous state is related to him coming out… 

 “Shit. One a’ yer relatives ain’t makin’ a fuss over that shit, are they?! ‘Cuz if they are… shit! Tell me their names an’ addresses an’ I’ll make sure they don’t ever fuckin’ bother ya again, kyoudai! That’s a fuckin’ promise!” Mondo bursts out, his simmering anger flaring brightly inside of him at the thought of Taka getting harassed about his sexuality. He /hates/ shit like that, doubly so when it’s directed towards Taka. Mondo legit would have broken Togami’s nose for his derisive comment after Taka came out to the class a few weeks into the winter quarter, if Taka hadn’t regretfully stopped him before he could. He’d gotten an hour-long lecture about how violence solves nothing, and judging by the stern look that rises on Taka’s face, he has a feeling he’s about to have a similar lecture now… 

 “That is highly unnecessary, Mondo! As I’ve told you countless times, violence solves nothing! Besides, this is my family we are speaking of and I will not allow you to harm any of them!” Taka exclaims forcefully, his glare as intense as ever. Taka quickly calms himself— before Mondo can reply that he doesn’t fucking care if they’re family, not if they’re hurting his kyoudai— his shoulders loosening as he lets out a soft sigh. /Again/. “But no, Mondo. That… that’s not the problem. In fact, that’s kind of the /opposite/ of my problem!” 

 At Mondo’s baffled look, Taka sighs again (fuck, this must be so fucking bad… Mondo can feel his own anxiety spike at the thought), shaking his head ruefully. He even lets out a humorless chuckle, eyes holding a sort of wry humor inside them. 

 “Yes, I understand how baffling that sounds, but it’s true. I… have told you about my great aunt Hana, yes? How she and my mother are so close that she is pretty much an honorary grandmother to me?” Taka pauses, looking at him intently. At Mondo’s slow nod, Taka continues. “Well… out of my entire extended family, she is the one who accepted my orientation the most, according to mother. Apparently she has had dalliances with women in her past, though she eventually fell in love with my great uncle Akiro and settled down with him. She even identifies as bisexual now, after I helped teach her about the LGBTQIA+ community over the break!” 

 Mondo has to stifle his dopey grin at Taka’s prideful expression, the teen puffing his chest out with his pride. The look quickly fades back into anxiety, but Mondo still privately relishes having seen the look even for a second. 

 “Anyway… as you know, back before I came out, she was always very concerned about me, asking mother if I had found a girlfriend yet, if I’d begun thinking about dating and things like that. Many family members had, in fact, especially at our family gathering. When I came out, I had hoped that such a thing would stop and I wouldn’t have to deal with that again this year, naively thinking that now that they knew the truth, they’d stop bothering me over such nonsense. And yet…” 

 Taka trails off, biting his lip so harshly Mondo is afraid he’s going to split it. Not thinking, Mondo lifts his hand and gently pulls the abused flesh free, something he’s always done when Taka bites his lip too harshly. He doesn’t notice Taka’s flush, though, and just hums thoughtfully, nodding in sympathy. 

 “Ah, yer family’s still buggin’ ya over that shit then, huh? Shit, glad I don’t gotta worry ‘bout that kinda thing. Dai ain’t stupid enough ta ask ‘bout that shit, thank fuck, an’ he’s the only family I got. So, the problem is that yer afraid that they’re gonna harass ya over it, then? Fuck, man. Ya know my advice. A little punch ta the face clears that shit right up, promise ya that…”

 Mondo grins at the glare Taka gives him, not intimidated in the slightest. He doesn’t even flinch when Taka lightly slaps his chest, his grin growing wider at his kyoudai’s obvious annoyance. He knows it’s not real. Well… no, it is real, Taka’s so fucking emotive he could never fake anything, but he knows it’s not bad. 

 “Mondo! What did I just say about threatening violence to my family?!” Taka glares, forcing another loud bark of laughter from Mondo. Shaking his head— a small smile unsuccessfully masked on his face— Taka quickly continues. “/Anyway/. No, that’s not my problem. If it were, I wouldn’t be so worried! I’ve handled my family’s invasiveness before, after all, and I am positive I could handle it again, even if it makes me highly uncomfortable! So… /no/, that isn’t my problem.”

 Taka pauses again, his squirming getting worse by the second. It’s Mondo’s turn to let out a loud sigh as the silence mounts, gulping down the last of his energy drink and tossing the can to the side carelessly. Ignoring Taka’s indignant glare at the litter, Mondo rolls his eyes and leans back on his now free hands, eyebrow raised lazily as he gives his kyoudai a Look. He doesn’t notice how his thumb lightly brushes Taka’s hip, nor does he notice the bright flush rising on Taka’s face, not with how frustrated he is with Taka’s long winded storytelling. Fuck, he adores his kyoudai, he truly does, but the dude is absolutely shit at getting to the goddamn point sometimes…

 “Okay. Fine, got that. Not the fuckin’ ‘invasiveness.’ Then what the fuck /is/ yer problem, man? ‘Cuz I gotta say, much as I love talkin’ ta ya, it’s kinda late as shit, an’ I would like ta know what the problem is so we can fuckin’ /problem solve/, or whatever ya call it. Promise I won’t get mad at ya or anythin’, okay? Just… get ta the goddamn point…” 

 Taka’s glare intensifies, an indignant scoff escaping the usually poised hall monitor. Mondo forces down the rush of pleasure at the thought that he’s the only one to see Taka so laid back (which is barely laid back at all by any normal standards, but is entirely /indecent/ by Taka’s), instead focusing on listening as Taka starts talking again, his voice clipped and annoyed. Ha. Adorable. 

 “I was gettin’ there, kyoudai! You must learn to be patient!” Taka snaps, pout bright on his lips. Which is even more adorable, shit… “As I was saying! I… I… well. I don’t /like/ the invasive questions. I never have, and at first I thought it was because I am… y-you know… /gay/. And I just disliked that my family kept asking when I was going to get a /girl/friend. However…”

 Taka pauses again, but continues fast enough that Mondo doesn’t have to prompt him again. Thank fuck. 

 “However. Mother informed me yesterday that Great Aunt Hana had something she wished to speak with me about urgently and that I should call her as soon as I was able. Considering I had my final Public Morals Committee meeting of the quarter yesterday, not to mention that intensive study session with all of our classmates, I didn’t have time to call then. I vowed to call today, however, which I did as soon as I was able! Which was unfortunately just after dinner… aha.” 

 Mondo fights hard to not roll his eyes at Taka’s rambling, knowing that it’s just his kyoudai’s way of working through his nerves. Still… it can be annoying as fuck sometimes… he really fucking hopes Taka gets to the point soon. While he’s wide awake thanks to the energy drink, he has never been the kinda guy to just sit around and talk about shit. He’s more an action driven, hands on kinda guy, ya know? More punching, less talking. It’s a miracle he and Taka get along so well, honestly… he zones out a bit as Taka rambles about how sorry he’d been that he couldn’t call sooner, that he’d apologized ‘profusely’ when his aunt had answered the phone, how she’d forgiven him immediately, yadda yadda… he only tunes back into Taka’s rambling when it seems he’s finally getting to his goddamn point. 

 “-anyway, after a couple minutes of talking about school, she… well. She began talking to me about these neighbors of hers that recently moved in after the Mori family sold their rice fields last Autumn. At first, I didn’t see anything odd about the conversation, she’s always been the type to ramble about any random nonsense, not caring at all about how busy my schedule is. It’s why I rarely call her if I can help it, despite how rude it makes me,” Taka claims, hypocrite that he is. Ha. “But… after a few more minutes of this, she began to talk about the /son/ of her neighbors. Saying that he’s about my age, a year or so older and in his first year of university, and that he’s also going to be on break during that week. And then she… s-she mentioned that this /son/ happened to be, well… gay. And single.” 

 /That/ got Mondo’s attention. Sitting up straighter, Mondo looks intently at Taka, not caring that the scrutiny makes the hall monitor squirm. Just… just where the fuck is Taka going with this shit, that’s what he’d like to know… 

 “S-she then… well. She then began saying how much of a /catch/ he is, saying that he is very handsome and fit, and that he practices kendo routinely on his family’s side of the rice fields. Often shirtless. And since our family gathering always takes place at Great Aunt Hana’s farm, since she has the most space for all of us to stay, she… she said that she’s invited him and his family to join our family gathering! And that she wants to introduce us to see if we would ‘hit it off’ and possibly start dating!” 

 Taka yells the last part of his diatribe, his face red as a tomato and his eyes firmly planted on the ground. Mondo barely notices this, though, not with how tight his chest suddenly feels. Because… shit, Taka… Taka has a fucking date?! What the goddamn shit?! 

 “Wait, hold the fuck on! Ya got a fuckin’ /date/?! An’ ya didn’t fuckin’ /tell me/?! What the fuck, man?!” 

 Mondo can’t describe the feeling that bubbles through his body then, a tension overcoming him that he absolutely cannot decipher. Before he has any hope to try, Taka looks back up and glares bitterly at him, his teeth bared in his anger. 

 “No! I absolutely do /not/ have a date, no matter what my great aunt says! I did not agree to this meeting and I do not condone it in the slightest! You know that I am focusing on my studies at the moment, kyoudai, and that I do not have the time to deal with a /relationship/, let alone a long distance one! I may be gay, but that doesn’t mean I will jump at the chance to date just anyone! I thought you knew this, kyoudai, but I guess I was wrong!” 

 Mondo winces when he sees the hurt look on Taka’s face, frustrated tears rising in his scarlet eyes, making Mondo feel like shit. Ah, dammit… he hadn’t meant to hurt Taka… he’d just been so fucking shocked, honest. Not to mention… whatever that weird as fuck emotion that just flowed through him was… shit… 

 But he can’t have his kyoudai upset at him. He fucking /refuses/. Slowly, Mondo lifts his hands in surrender, a sheepish smile on his face. 

 “No, shit, I… I knew that, man. Just fuckin’ surprised me, s’all. But I get why yer so tense over this shit… damn, but that fuckin’ sucks. What did ya tell her, that ya weren’t gonna go through with it? Or did ya say nothin’ an’ decide ta power through it like the goddamn martyr ya are, despite how uncomfortable that shit makes ya? Shit… that’s it, ain’t it? Goddamnit, kyoudai…” 

 Taka’s glare is deeper now than before, the teen scoffing and crossing his arms angrily. Oops…

 “I will have you know that I did no such thing! I… I /did/ tell her that I was not interested, as politely as I could! I told her what I tell everyone; that I’m focused on school and that I don’t want to bother with dating someone, especially a stranger. But she… she wouldn’t let it go! She has always been a highly stubborn woman, something that clearly runs in our family, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer! But I… I didn’t want to do it, kyoudai! I’ve never been good at meeting new people, let alone potential /love interests/, and I’ve been so stressed over our final year at Hope’s Peak, and our upcoming midterm exams, and I just… I- I just… I didn’t want to have to deal with this! Not now, not when everything is so stressful! I- I just… I didn’t know what to do, kyoudai! I… I- I…”

 Mondo’s heart breaks when he sees the tears begin to stream down Taka’s face, the teen shaking with the intensity. The stifled sobs kill him more, and he doesn’t have to think before his arms are wrapping around his kyoudai, pulling him as close as humanly possible, his heart aching as Taka clings desperately to him. Goddamnit… he /hates/ seeing Taka like this… he’s always been an emotional person, crying over anything, good or bad. But even still, Mondo hates his tears… especially when they’re as forceful and painful as these… he’d do fucking anything to take his pain away… fucking anything…

 “Hey… hey, Kiyo, it’s okay,” Mondo mumbles softly, saying the name he reserves for the rare moments of softness between the two of them. It always makes Mondo uncomfortable to be so soft with anyone, even Taka, but like he said. He’d do anything to make him feel better… “It ain’t that bad, I promise! Yer amazin’ ta be around an’ any dude would be lucky ta have a catch like you. If this dude don’t immediately fall fer ya, then he’s a goddamn idiot who would never deserve someone as incredible as you. An’ anyway, just ‘cuz the two a’ ya meet don’t mean shit’s gotta happen. Ya can just say ya didn’t hit it off an’ be done with it. Okay, Kiyo? I promise, man. It’s gonna be okay. I /promise/.” 

 Taka sobs harder at his words, which distresses Mondo greatly. He stops talking then and focuses on soothing his emotional kyoudai, rocking him softly like Daiya used to do with him when he was little and needed to be calmed. He shushes Taka softly whenever his breath hitches, rubbing his back as soothingly as he can, his insides squirming at the weakness he’s showing, but he forces it down. It ain’t the fucking time to be worried about his goddamn /reputation/. Not when he’s got his precious as fuck kyoudai to soothe… 

 Finally, after a couple of minutes Taka begins to settle, his body mostly still against Mondo’s save for a couple of sniffles here and there. It makes Mondo’s insides settle to feel Taka relax like this, and while part of him hates himself for it, he can’t help how he kind of adores moments like these. The moments after Taka finishes crying and they’re just embracing each other tenderly like this. Yeah, they hug sometimes in other circumstances, but those are always quick, manly hugs. The kind that end with back slaps and wide grins. This… they don’t really do shit like this often. Holding one another, just listening to the other breathe. It’s… nice. So fucking nice. And he doesn’t even have to shove that thought away, not when he’s so busy ensuring that his kyoudai is okay…

 “Feelin’ better kyoudai?” he mutters after another minute, looking down at the form pressed tightly to his chest. His heart squeezes when he sees Taka look up at him, his red eyes so much more intense with how watery they are. Mondo’s breath stutters at the sight. Fuck… but damn if Taka isn’t beautiful like this… i-in a manly way, of course! Heh… 

 “I… somewhat, kyoudai… but I- I still haven’t said what my problem is…” Taka mumbles, sniffling once. Mondo just blinks at the response, shifting to hold Taka more comfortably against him. Shit… there’s more…? 

 Sighing softly yet again, Taka fucking /snuggles/ into his chest, humming as he draws random shapes on Mondo’s pecs, something he often does in times like these. It had been awkward the first time he’d done it, Taka embarrassed and stammering apologies, explaining he’d not meant to do that, and Mondo flushing bright red at the automatic reaction his body had to the stimuli. But after several minutes of awkward spluttering, Mondo had managed to convince Taka he hadn’t minded, not at all, which Taka took as fucking permission to do it /every goddamn time/ now. Which Mondo doesn’t mind, honest! It just… it sure makes his insides squirm when the teen does it… 

 “I really did not want to have to have that meeting, kyoudai. I do not even really know why I felt so adverse to the offer, but I… I /couldn’t/ do it. I just… couldn’t. A-and you… y-you’ve been teaching me to stand up for myself when I truly don’t want to go through with something, and I guess your training has made a bigger impact in me than I realized. Because… b-because, once I realized that my great aunt wasn’t going to leave me alone about this, I… I decided to /lie/,” Taka confesses, sniffing miserably and burying his face back in Mondo’s chest. Mondo barely notices it, not with how shocked he feels. Taka… Taka fucking /lied/…??? Holy /shit/! Taka /never/ does that shit! As much as the uncharacteristic action concerns him, he also feels a rush of /pride/ flood through him. After all, he’s been trying to get Taka to loosen up on his morals just a little for months now. Lying to his family… now /that’s/ fucking progress!

 Obviously Taka doesn’t feel that way, and Mondo makes sure to listen intently when the teen finally extracts his face from his chest and continues, misery billowing out of him in waves. Fuck… but man, does Mondo hate seeing Taka like this… 

 “I- I don’t even know why I did it, kyoudai. I /hate/ lying, it always makes me feel horrible and it just makes things worse every time. And this time was definitely no exception, but I… I- I do not know. I couldn’t help it. I /really/ didn’t want to meet this man, Mondo. I- I don’t even know why I felt this so vehemently. But I… I did. I didn’t want to meet him, so I lied to my family about it. I… I feel so ashamed! Someone should hit me, I’m so awful!” 

 Mondo’s heart clenches again at the sadly common response from his kyoudai, Taka crying again as he buries his face back into his chest. He always says shit like that when he’s truly distressed about something ‘awful’ he did, like dropping his textbooks on the ground, or making a slightly insensitive comment. Mondo hates it, more so after he learned that Taka does it since his old classmates and teachers used to ‘punish’ him every time he messed up in school, but he knows commenting on it would only distress Taka more. Instead, he just shushes the teen again, fucking /crooning/ down at him like a fucking chick. But whatever. If it helps Taka…

 “Hey, man, it’s okay. It’s okay. Y’ain’t gotta beat yerself up over this. Lyin’ ain’t always a bad thing, don’t worry ‘bout it. Sounds ta me like ya didn’t really have a choice, yer aunt not leavin’ ya alone. Y’ain’t a bad person fer lyin’, kyoudai. Y’ain’t a bad person at all.” 

 Mondo listens as Taka sniffles again, the teen’s eyes peeking up at him from his position on his chest. And the look he gives breaks Mondo’s heart as much as it enlivens him. Fuck… but Taka really is so goddamn pretty… again, in a manly way! Duh!! 

 “I… I do not believe that, kyoudai, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Taka mumbles softly, trying for a small smile. It breaks after a second, but Mondo is so happy to see it at all that he can’t help how he beams at the teen in his arms. Taka takes a deep breath, then, and continues once more. “Okay… I… I should probably tell you what lie I told, as that is the crux of my problems, I know… but I… p-please don’t judge me too harshly, kyoudai… I couldn’t bear it if you hated me for this…” 

 Mondo can’t help the noise of distress he lets out, his arms tightening instinctively around Taka. Because… /fuck/! As if he could ever, /ever/ hate Taka… he tells the teen as much, fervent and forceful, his heart clenching at Taka’s sad smile. 

 “I… thank you, kyoudai. You truly are too kind to me,” Taka sniffles, pulling back enough to look Mondo in the eyes as he tells whatever fucking lie he is so concerned about. It makes Mondo a little regretful to no longer be holding Taka so close, though his hands are still grasping his sides loosely. He quickly forces that thought away. Not the fucking time… “I… w-well, you see. After we argued about this for a little bit, she… she asked me if I had a real reason to not want to meet this man and become acquainted to him. She apparently had already spoken to him about this idea of hers, even showing him my picture, and claimed that he was very interested to get to know me, and that I should at least give him the benefit of the doubt. But I didn’t want to, I really didn’t, so I… when she asked me if I had a real reason to not want to meet with him, I told her that I… that I… I…”

 Taka pauses again, biting his lip harshly again, and Mondo is five seconds away from shaking Taka to force him to spit it out, so fucking curious about what lie Taka told that’s so fucking bad. Knowing Taka it’s prolly something super fucking simple, like just not liking dudes who have names with an odd number of syllables in it, but it’s killing him not to know! In fact, he’s so focused on how much he wants to know this stupid fucking lie, that he almost misses it when Taka finally utters it, his eyes blinking at what he just heard. Because… no. No, Taka /didn’t/ just fucking say that shit, he… he couldn’t have said that he… he…

 “I- I told her that I already have a boyfriend. And that we have been dating for months now.” 

 ~XoxoxoxoxoxoX~ 

 The room is silent for a split second as Mondo contemplates what Taka had just said, the words echoing in his mind over and over, all rational thought fleeing as the words assault him. /I already have a boyfriend. Have a boyfriend. Boyfriend… boyfriend…/ 

 Taka… Taka fucking…

 Taka has a fucking /boyfriend/…?! What the goddamn fuck?!

 “Y-you what?!” Mondo screeches, his voice higher pitched than he’s ever heard it go before, but he doesn’t fucking care. He watches through wide eyes as Taka flinches back from him, the hall monitor looking /freaked the fuck out/, but Mondo doesn’t focus on that, because… because… “You have a goddamn boyfriend?! What the fuck, why didn’t I know about this shit?! Who is it, do I fucking know him?! Fuck, I’m gonna beat the shit outta him, he ain’t fucking good enough fer you, I don’t care who the fuck he is, I-!” 

 “Mondo! What on /earth/ has gotten into you?!” Taka exclaims loudly, cutting off Mondo’s diatribe. Mondo blinks down at his kyoudai, taking in the absolute /anger/ he sees there, Taka glaring like he was born to do it. It’s not an uncommon sight, Taka is almost as explosive as he is when it comes to his emotions, but it still makes Mondo gulp uneasily. Shit… but that look doesn’t bode well for him… “I literally just told you that I /lied/ about it! You know full well I don’t have a boyfriend! I’ve never even kissed anyone, let alone gone on a date! I just… I didn’t want to meet with this stranger! And when my great aunt asked me why I couldn’t, it was the first thing I thought of! Y-you know that you’re the first person I’d tell if I ever managed to achieve a date, let alone if I started going out with anyone! I- I can’t believe that you would ever even /think/ that I’d not tell you something as important as that! You’re my kyoudai! My best friend! Of /course/ I’d tell you!” 

 Mondo feels his heart lurch in his chest at the fervent cry, Taka pouting harshly as he glares at him. He… shit, yeah, Taka did tell him he lied, didn’t he…? They literally just had a whole ass goddamn conversation about that, /shit/. He… he doesn’t know why he forgot about that, but… but something about hearing Taka say /‘I have a boyfriend/‘ just… he doesn’t know. Shorted his brain the fuck out. And he… he doesn’t even know why. 

 It’s not like he never thought about the possibility, right? When they first became friends, Mondo immediately knew how amazing a catch his kyoudai was, and he’d made sure to tell him all the time that he’d get a girlfriend soon, no problem, wanting Taka to see how amazing he truly was. He’d stopped doing that only when Taka had glared at him and said that he wasn’t interested in dating and that he’d appreciate Mondo not bothering him about it, which he’d immediately respected. He’d never stopped thinking it, though, especially not whenever Taka did something adorable. Which would happen every single goddamn day. 

 And that’s not changed at all over the past year, right? The only difference now is that Mondo thinks that— if he desired it— Taka will find himself a /boyfriend/ easily, not a girlfriend. So, he… he knows that the option is there. He’s always known that quite intimately. He’s even privately thought how he’d be so fucking happy for his kyoudai when he finally finds someone who loves him more than anything, like Taka deserves. Fuck, he’s even fucking planned his goddamn /best man/ speech on multiple occasions, even though he knows that shit wouldn’t happen for goddamn /years/, especially since that shit is stupidly not legal in Japan. Yet. 

 So, he… shit. He doesn’t get what his fucking problem was at hearing the words, but something about them had just… felt /wrong/. Taka saying he has a boyfriend. That they’ve been dating for /months/. The thought that Taka could have someone so important, so monumental to him… someone /other than Mondo/ that Taka relies on, confides in, spends time alone with… and for Mondo to /not even know/, it… it hurt, he guesses. So fucking bad. And that hurt had shorted out his brain, causing him to be a fucking dumbass like he always is. 

 But now, because of his stupidity, /Taka/ is hurt, thinking that Mondo would doubt their closeness, their friendship-! Shit, he’s gotta fucking fix this, fast! 

 “Shit, no, Taka, that ain’t fuckin’ it!” Mondo blurts loudly, cheeks flushing as Taka reels back in surprise. Lowering his voice consciously, he sheepishly rubs his neck, shrugging sharply. “Shit. I mean… I didn’t think ya’d keep somethin’ like that from me, man. I know ya wouldn’t. I just… I dunno. Ya know I ain’t ever been the smartest dude. Punch first, ask questions later, that sorta shit. When I heard ya say ya had a boyfriend, I just… fuckin’ spaced. But I know ya’d tell me that shit, kyoudai. I know ya would. I would never fuckin’ doubt ya, Kiyo. Not in a million goddamn years.” 

 He stares deeply into Taka’s eyes as he says this, ignoring the discomfort at the intimacy as he tries to get Taka to see his sincerity. After a moment of this, he watches as Taka looks away with a bright flush on his cheeks, a somewhat dazed look rising on his face. It… shit, it looks so fucking nice… Taka always looks so fucking nice… in a manly way. Always in a manly way… 

 “I… y-yes, kyoudai, I do know this… I am sorry for doubting you! I suppose it truly is late… and I am very distressed by all of this… believe it or not, there’s actually /more/… I’m sure you can see why this all is bothering me so much, though I am still sorry for bothering you with my nonsense again…” 

 Mondo shakes his head sharply, reaching out and grabbing one of Taka’s hands, holding it tightly as he gives the hall monitor a small but very sincere smile. 

 “Hey, none a’ that shit, okay? Ya know I don’t fuckin’ mind doin’ this shit, kyoudai. I’m always here when ya need me, day or night. S’long as it makes ya feel even slightly better, I don’t mind a goddamn bit. Now, what’s the rest a’ this bullshit, huh? Let’s fuckin’ hear it, man. Then we can work t’wards fixin’ this shit.” 

 The small, shaky smile Taka gets on his lips causes Mondo’s heart to stop beating for a second, his breath hitching at the goddamn /beauty/ of it. He quickly shoves that feeling aside as Taka nods slowly, the smile fading as the sad, nervous look returns. Fuck, he hates that look…

 “Yes… yes, you are right. Thank you, kyoudai. Anyway… after I told my great aunt the lie, she… she grew very, er… /excited/. It would take me too long to repeat all she said, but the gist of it is that she was very, very happy to hear that. And then… /then/ the cause of my problem became evident. Because… ah, kyoudai! She- she told me, in no uncertain terms, that I /must/ bring my boyfriend with me to meet the family! And she refused to accept my claim that my ‘boyfriend’ was busy that week and couldn’t make it! She just said that if he truly loved me, then he’d make the time to come visit my family, even if only for a day, though she made it clear she expects him to come for the whole week! And she said that if he doesn’t come, then he’s not worth my time and that I should meet with her neighbor’s son anyway to be with a nice, respectable boy! 

 “So, surely you- you understand my dilemma here! I lied about having a boyfriend, but now I’m excepted to suddenly have a boyfriend to bring home for the break! And if I don’t, my great aunt will think that this ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t actually love me and isn’t good enough for me, thus making me meet with this stranger anyway, making this entire lie pointless! I… I don’t know what to do, kyoudai! Do I… do I confess the lie?! Do I keep pretending and just let my great aunt think I’m dating a degenerate who doesn’t care about me at all?! Do I forgo all my morals completely and fake illness to miss the gathering and not have to deal with this situation entirely?! I don’t know, kyoudai! I have no idea! I… I…” 

 Taka starts sobbing again, then, flinging himself back into Mondo’s arms unceremoniously. Mondo can’t help the small grunt he gives at the impact, but his arms are wrapped tight around his kyoudai before he can even fully register the feel of the body pressing tight to his. His mind is absolutely not there, though, as it’s too busy trying to figure this shit out. Mondo may be a fucking dumbass, but over the years of leading his gang, he likes to think he’s gotten good at problem solving. Even if most of his solutions are ‘punch the problem until it goes away,’ he’s gotta admit that it’s usually fucking effective. 

 Not that that shit’ll help this time, of course. Sure, maybe punching Taka’s great aunt would make her see that Taka doesn’t wanna meet with this fucking douchebag neighbor of hers, but that solution opens a whole host of other problems. Not to mention the fact that she’s not even a chick; she’s a goddamn /lady/. And punching a lady is the worst crime a dude can commit. So… punching is outta the question. Regrettably. 

 But… shit. What else can they do? Clearly, they either gotta convince Taka’s aunt that he’s in a loving relationship without the dude showing up to the family reunion bullshit, or else they gotta find a way to convince her that Taka just isn’t interested in dating at the moment so she won’t make him meet the stranger. Considering how Taka mentioned she is being unreasonably stubborn about this, he highly doubts that they’ll be able to do the latter, and the former will require a lot of time and planning to pull off. Time that they don’t have, since Taka is set to leave for home as soon as exams end on Friday, which is only a little over five days away. And given how frantic Taka always has been over exams, he doubts his kyoudai will allow them any free time to actually plan shit. Hm…

 It’s as he’s rubbing Taka’s back— absently saying soothing words that he doesn’t register at all— that the thought enters his head. And it’s a stupid ass thought, right? Mondo gets those all the time, he’s so fucking stupid it’s not funny. Yeah, Taka is always telling him that he’s not as big of a dumbass as he thinks and that he’s actually really fucking smart, but he knows his kyoudai is just trying to be kind. Because judging by the absolute brainlessness of this thought, it’s clear that Mondo is just a dumbass through and through, destined to be a dumbass until the day he inevitably dies. As such, he immediately pushes the thought away and goes back to thinking about actually /good/ solutions, not fucking stupid as shit ones. 

 And yet… as the minutes stretch on and Taka just sniffles pathetically against his chest, Mondo can’t help but keep on cycling back to the idea. And it’s so stupid. Right? Absolutely brainless and moronic and impossible, there’s no way in a million years it would work! And yet… the more he thinks about it, the more /sense/ it makes. Because… shit. It would solve all of Taka’s problems nicely, wouldn’t it…? Taka wouldn’t have to worry about his great aunt discovering his lie, thus allowing Taka to not have to meet with this fucking stranger, both things that Taka wants more than anything right now. And… and Mondo /has/ always said that he’d do /anything/ for his kyoudai… absolutely… anything…

 It’s about five minutes later that Taka finally pulls back from his chest, rubbing his eyes (__adorably__), looking at him with a wide, watery stare. It breaks Mondo’s heart to see it, and for some reason it strengthens the stupid ass thought by a tenfold. And it’s stupid, so /fucking/ stupid, but when he sees Taka open his mouth, a pained grimace on his lips, he…

 He can’t quite help himself…

 “S-so… there, kyoudai. That’s my problem. I told you that it was stupid, and that I should be able to handle it on my own! It’s entirely my fault, after all! If I just hadn’t lied, none of this would be happening! Yes, I’d still have to meet with that darned stranger, but maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad! Like you said, just because we meet doesn’t mean anything has to happen! But no. No, I decided to /lie/, and now I’m paying the price! I… I’ll just have to tell Great Aunt Hana the truth and face the consequences of my actions… oh, mother and father will be so ashamed of me! What kind of moral compass /lies/ like that?! I- I’m so sorry for bothering you with my nonsense, kyoudai, you don’t deserve to deal with this, you’re always so kind to me, I don’t deserve your kindness, I truly don’t-“ 

 “Hey,” Mondo growls lightly, giving Taka a stern glare, “shut the fuck up a second, okay? Shit, an’ stop with that goddamn bullshit already. Ya know I don’t mind doin’ this shit with ya, no matter what time a’ the day, or how fuckin’ stupid it is. Yer my bro, an’ there ain’t shit that I wouldn’t do fer ya, got it? Don’t care if it’s stupid as shit, I’ll always have yer back, just like I know ya’ll always have mine. We’re fuckin’ tight as shit, bro! Ain’t nothin’ gonna break our fuckin’ bond!” 

 Mondo’s heart soars when he sees the tiny smile light up Taka’s face, his kyoudai looking so fucking /relieved/ at his words. Shit. Like he’d ever feel anything different. Mondo plows on when he sees Taka open his mouth, though, not wanting to hear his gratitude, not when he knows it’s time to get this stupid ass idea of his out there. A bubble of nerves enters his chest then, which is honestly the worst thing that could happen… he’s always been so fucking bad when it comes to handling his nerves…

 “Anyway!” Mondo shouts, the nerves making his voice far louder than he intends. Taka flinches slightly, which makes the nerves worse, which just… is really fucking unfortunate, shit… “I had an idea ‘bout how ta fix yer problems, kyoudai! It’s fuckin’ stupid as shit, I’m a complete an’ total dunbass, but the more I think ‘bout it, the more I think it may work! I understand if ya say no, though, so don’t worry kyoudai, it’s fine, I don’t mind, IT’S COMPLETELY COOL IF YA HATE IT AN’ DON’T WANNA DO IT, NO PROBLEM MAN, UH-“ 

 Mondo’s explosion of noise is stopped abruptly when he feels a warm hand grasp his cheek firmly, his breath expelled out of him entirely when he sees Taka look at him with wide eyes, concern deep within them. Shit… s-shit…

 “Kyoudai! Calm yourself, it’s alright! I’m sure that whatever idea you had is a good one! They usually are! Well… as long as it doesn’t involve violence, that is! And! You are not a… a /dumb butt/, you are very smart! Now… please tell me your idea! I am desperate for any help I can get, if you are willing to offer it!” 

 Mondo momentarily gets lost in the intensity of his kyoudai’s eyes, his heart pounding strangely in his chest. Taka doesn’t seem to notice and just stares steadily back, face full of a silent confidence that Mondo could only wish he had. Taka… Taka has always thought the best of him… after they became kyoudai, at least. He’s the only person who believes in him so completely and utterly… even Daiya’s faith wavers sometimes. Taka’s though… it never does, not even for a second… fuck, Mondo is so lucky to have someone as incredible at him… so ungodly lucky… 

 It’s this thought, more than anything, that calms him down enough to keep going, though his heart is still racing horribly in his chest. Taka’s hand has yet to leave his cheek, and his body feels so flushed at the contact, but it’s not bad. Not bad at all…

 “O-okay. Well… from what ya said, it sounds like ya just need ta find a dude ta bring home with ya, yeah? Someone who ya can call yer boyfriend, who knows ya well, who can make yer family think yer happy an’ in love, right? So- so that they’ll stop tryin’ ta hook ya up with any available body? Yeah?” 

 Mondo pauses for a second, eyeing Taka critically, his throat suddenly going thick for reasons he doesn’t understand. Shit… yeah, he knows this idea of his is stupid as shit, but it’s not like Taka will fucking /make fun of him/ for it… Taka is so fucking kind, even if he can be clueless at times, and he’d fucking never make fun of anyone. Not on purpose. 

 Unfortunately, it seems that Taka takes his silence as an invitation for comment, the hall monitor nodding slowly, biting his lip nervously. 

 “Er… well, yes, I suppose so, kyoudai! I suppose having a man come home with me /would/ solve my problems nicely! But… that’s exactly the problem, kyoudai! I don’t actually have a boyfriend, and where on earth will I be able to find one on such short notice?! Besides! I told my great aunt that we’d been dating for months, not just less than a week! Surely she’d be suspicious when she asks him questions and he reveals we only met less than a week prior?! And! My whole problem is that I /don’t/ want a boyfriend, kyoudai, so- so I don’t think that would work, I’m sorry! I mean, I suppose we could try it, but-!”

 “Goddamnit, Taka, I’m not talkin’ ‘bout findin’ ya a goddamn boyfriend! I ain’t that dumb, shit!” Mondo exclaims, rolling his eyes in exasperation. He can see Taka’s pout of confusion, his hand finally leaving his cheek slowly. Mondo has a second to regret the loss, but he doesn’t dwell on it long. After all, it’s time to reveal this fucking bullshit… “Anyway, like I was sayin’, ya… shit. Ya need someone who knows ya, so that the two a’ ya can /pretend/ ta be boyfriends. Ya get me?” 

 Mondo watches as Taka’s eyes go wide, his lips popping open in a silent ‘oh’ of understanding. It makes him smile, his chest fluttering at the sight, but he again pushes passed it, his nerves mounting again. Shit, why is this bullshit so fucking hard… ugh. He /hates/ emotions, he truly does…

 “So! All we gotta do is find someone ya get along well with, who yer super fuckin’ close ta, who knows ya better than ya fuckin’ know yerself! That way, the two a’ ya can trick yer family inta thinkin’ ya’ve been datin’ fer months an’ that yer super fuckin’ happy together! An’ I, uh… I- I think I know exactly who ta get! An’ it’s uh… uh…… s-shit…”

 Mondo’s face is uncomfortably flushed as he gets to this last part of his stupid ass plan, his hands fidgeting horribly. He’d be afraid Taka would chastise him for it, if Taka hadn’t been fidgeting this entire goddamn time. 

 Unfortunately, Taka has about as much patience as he does (re. none), and before Mondo can psych himself up for blurting out the person he thought would perfectly fit this stupid ass plan, Taka is talking, eyes wide with emotion. 

 “Really?! You have?! Who, kyoudai?! I must admit, I cannot think of anyone who would fit that description! I don’t exactly have many close friends, you know, and who exactly would be willing to pretend to be my boyfriend, spending a week with my family, which I know is a challenge on a normal day? Not to mention how taxing it would be to pretend to be in love with me, given how much of a hassle I am, and-“ 

 “Me, ya dumbass! I was fuckin’ talkin’ about me! My fuckin’ plan was that I’d go with ya ta yer family reunion bullshit an’ we’d pretend that we’re fuckin’ datin’! Shit!” 

 The silence that surrounds them following Mondo’s outburst is oppressive, the room thick and stifling with it. Mondo is positive that his face has never felt hotter, his stomach in fucking knots as Taka stares at him in fucking /horror/, his eyes wide and full of a kind of fear he never wants to see on his kyoudai’s face ever, ever again. Shit, he doesn’t want to see it now, especially considering it’s /his fucking fault/ that look is there, and oh, god, he just fucked this entire shit up, didn’t he, oh goddamnit, Taka fucking /hates/ him now, doesn’t he, is disgusted at the very thought of dating Mondo, fake or not, and how fucking dare Mondo /ever/ even /think/ he’d be good enough to be in even a fake relationship with Taka, Taka is so far out of his league it ain’t fucking funny, and-

 As the thoughts roil through Mondo’s head ceaselessly, like tiny daggers attacking every insecurity he’s ever fucking had, Taka’s face crumbles further, his distress palpable, and Mondo /knows/ he has to fix this, quick, because like hell is he gonna let their friendship die over something so /goddamn stupid, Jesus Christ he’s a fucking dumbass/-

 “Or not, shit! Hahahaha, /fuck/, kyoudai, fuckin’ ignore me, Christ! Told ya it was stupid as shit, I’m a goddamn dumbass who never has good ideas an’ ya shouldn’t listen ta a fuckin’ word I say! Like hell would ya ever date a piece a shit like me, ya deserve so much better, yer family would never believe ya’d love a dumpster fire like me, this was a stupid as shit idea, I’m so fuckin’ sorry, please don’t fuckin’ cry, I hate seein’ ya cry, shit-!” 

 “You… y-you’d really do that for me?” Taka asks softly, cutting Mondo’s panicked rambling off so abruptly it makes Mondo’s head spin. He’s so panicked inside that he doesn’t actually comprehend Taka’s softly spoken words for a full ten seconds, honestly. Instead he just stares at Taka, eyes wide, taking in the vulnerability he sees inside painfully familiar wide eyes. When the words finally penetrate the thick fog that has descended around his head, Mondo has to swallow thickly to push down the lump that formed in his throat, nodding solemnly. 

 “Ya kiddin’ me, Taka? Shit. Ya know I’d do fuckin’ anythin’ fer ya, man. You… yer my goddamn best friend, my kyoudai… the only person ta never fuckin’ doubt me fer a second… if I can help ya in any fuckin’ way, ya know I’d do it in a heartbeat. Ain’t nothin’ I wouldn’t do fer ya.” 

 Before Mondo can even blink he finds himself with an armful of a crying Taka again, his heart aching so acutely at being the cause of his fucking tears. Fuck… he really is a piece of shit, ain’t he… no wonder he’d never deserve someone as incredible as Taka… he doesn’t even deserve to be his friend, as fucking fucked up as he is, Christ…

 “Y-you truly are amazing, k-kyoudai! Your idea it- it would work perfectly! There is no one I value more than you, my friend, and while I know you do not view me that way, I think it would be simple to pretend for my family’s sake, given how close we already are! And while I dislike the idea of lying to my family, it would ensure they don’t bother me about dating for this gathering, at least! And it solves the problem of the lie I already told!” he hears Taka exclaim after a minute, the hall monitor pulling back from Mondo’s embrace enough to look him in the eyes, the brightness Mondo finds there nearly overwhelming. It strikes Mondo dumb, the ache inside him growing with every passing second. It gets hella worse when Taka’s face falls again, his lip wobbling as he goes to bite it anxiously. Jesus Christ…

 “But… but are you certain, Mondo? Y-you know what my family is like… you’ve met my parents a handful of times, and I’ve told you many stories about my grandmother, aunts, uncles, and many cousins… t-they can be a bit, er… /much/! I understand if you decide you don’t want to do this, especially since it would take a week off your break, and I know how excited you were to see your gang! Not to mention your brother! I… I’d hate to prevent you from seeing them, my friend! S-so, you don’t… you don’t have to help me, Mondo… I made this mess and I can fix it myself, I would never ask this of you, you know I wouldn’t-“

 “Then don’t ask,” Mondo interjects, automatically reaching out a hand to grab Taka’s again, squeezing gently. “I’m fuckin’ offerin’. Shit, bro. Just told ya I’d do fuckin’ anythin’ fer ya. Even slog through a fuckin’ week long family reunion full a’ energetic go getters who are all stubborn as fuckin’ oxes. The gang can fuckin’ wait. Yer more important than those jackasses. An’ Dai knows what ya mean ta me, he won’t mind me spendin’ a week with ya an’ yer family, not if it helps ya outta a bind. I see him all the fuckin’ time anyway, fuckin’ sick a’ that jackass. But, just… I mean it, Taka. I don’t mind helpin’ ya out. I’ll never mind that. ‘Sides… I think I’d honestly /kill/ ta see ya lyin’ ta yer whole ass family fer a week, man. Shit’s gonna be the fuckin’ /best/, heh!” 

 Mondo doesn’t let Taka’s glare stop the cheeky grin he has on his face, not when he can see the tension visibly flow off of Taka’s face, relief taking its place. That’s what he wanted and he’s so fucking relieved it worked. He hates seeing Taka so tense and unhappy. Taka deserves all the happiness in the world, he truly does…

 “That isn’t funny, kyoudai! Lying to my family is not a laughing matter! But I… I appreciate your kindness greatly, my friend… I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I truly don’t,” Taka says softly, red eyes full of a tenderness that makes Mondo’s stomach twist. “But… there is one thing you said that I staunchly disagree with. You aren’t a ‘dumpster fire,’ nor are you a ‘piece of… /feces/!’ You are a wonderful, kind, and very caring person, whom I am honored to know and be close to! Any woman— or man!— would be lucky to have you! I…. I know I would be. So… please do not put yourself down, my dearest friend! You are far more than you think yourself to be!” 

 Taka’s kind and painfully honest words are too much for Mondo to handle, his heart doing gymnastics inside his chest. In an effort to dispel the soft and sappy emotions rising inside him, Mondo lets go of Taka’s hand (embarrassed to realize he was still holding it unknowingly) and deliberately pushes the hall monitor over. He grins brightly at Taka’s indignant spluttering as he falls off the bed and lands in a sprawl on the ground, his red eyes glaring up as his full lips pout. Fucking adorable as shit, goddamn…

 “Mondo! That was highly uncalled for!” 

 Mondo snickers as he carefully climbs off the bed, holding a hand out to Taka to help him up. Which Taka accepts with another pout, though Mondo thinks he can see fondness in those scarlet eyes. Heh.

 “Yeah? Well, that’ll teach ya ta not say such sappy shit ta me. What are we, preteen chicks?! Shit, man. Now, I dunno know ‘bout you, but I’ve had enough emotional bull crap fer one day. It’s so fuckin’ late, goddamn. We can work out all the details a’ this shit plan in the mornin’, ‘kay? We got a bit a’ time ‘fore this shit show starts, goddamn,” Mondo claims, stretching his arms over his head leisurely. Once he’s done stretching, he continues. 

 “So, d’ya wanna stay over an’ get some studyin’ in? Was tryin’ ta read our goddamn history textbook ‘fore ya started goin’ hog on my bell, though that shit is so fuckin’ confusin’. Or ya can just sleep if ya want. I’ll prolly be up fer a while, since I drank a fuck ton a’ monster, but I can be quiet if ya wanna sleep.”

 Taka blinks at the change in conversation, but he quickly recovers, by now used to Mondo’s abrupt conversation changes once things start drifting too far into emotional territory. The hall monitor then gets a contemplative look on his face, humming softly as he thinks about Mondo’s request. After a moment of this, Taka looks up and smiles brightly at him, nodding firmly. Mondo ignores the gymnasts that are going wild in his heart again. It ain’t important.

 “I think you are right that we should handle the rest of this come morning, kyoudai! It’s much too late to handle such unpleasant business now! And… if you do not mind, kyoudai, I think it would be best for me to stay over tonight! After all, it is very late and if I left now I would be breaking curfew for a second time! Knowingly this time! Which I definitely do not want! And I… I wouldn’t mind staying up for a little bit longer with you! I know that sleep is important to a healthy person, but I must admit that I am a bit too… wired to sleep at the moment. But… w-well. Perhaps we could watch another episode of that show you enjoy instead? While I greatly support your desire to study, I know that you are just trying to appease me, and I do not want that, kyoudai! After all you have done for me today, and all you have offered for the future… well! It’s the absolute least I could do! I-if you would like, of course!” 

 Mondo grins widely at his kyoudai’s offer, reaching forward to affectionately ruffle the teen’s hair. He ignores Taka’s indignant squawking and wraps his arm firmly around the hall monitor’s surprisingly broad and muscular shoulders, steering him gently over to the TV and couch he has in the corner of the room. He definitely ain’t gonna argue when /Taka/ finally asks to watch TV over studying for the first time in his entire goddamn life! It seems that miracles do happen! 

 “Hell yeah, man! Now yer speakin’ my language! Sit yer pasty ass down an’ get ready fer the absolute best goddamn time a’ yer fuckin’ life,” Mondo grins, laughing at Taka’s over exaggerated eye roll. He remembers a time Taka refused to do such a thing, calling it ‘juvenile’ and ‘grotesquely disrespectful,’ heh. How far his little kyoudai has come… he’s so fucking proud. 

 After that, he and Taka sprawl down on the couch, Mondo putting on another episode of the best fucking anime the world has ever seen as he and Taka get busy getting comfy. He knows that Taka isn’t very invested in the story, but the hall monitor is kind enough to watch the series with him on occasion anyway, usually as a treat for finishing all of his work on time. It feels a little weird to be watching a show with Taka at one in the fucking morning, but there’s something strangely thrilling about it too. Like they’re breaking a rule together, even though there technically aren’t any rules prohibiting shit like this. It’s prolly just because normally, Taka wouldn’t be caught dead watching a TV show in general, let alone watching one past curfew, heh. His kyoudai sure is structured, following the most rigid fucking schedule Mondo has ever seen every goddamn day of his goddamn life… it’s honestly kinda endearing, heh. 

 As the screen turns on and Mondo navigates to his favorite fucking show, he has to forcibly push away the fucking anxiety that keeps trying to crop up inside of him over the thought of what he agreed to do with Taka over the break, telling himself that he’ll handle it later. And why the fuck should it even matter, huh? Shit, it’s just pretending to be his best friend’s fucking /boyfriend/ in front of all of his fucking family for an entire goddamn week, tricking them into thinking the two of them are madly in love and happy together so they’ll stop harassing Taka about getting a boyfriend. All while being the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader, AKA a no good, rotten, criminal delinquent who in no way, shape, or form will ever be close to being good enough for someone as fucking /perfect/ as Taka. The fuck does he have to be nervous about, huh?! Shit will be fine. Fucking /fine/. 

 It’s about halfway through the episode, Mondo barely noticing what’s going on (definitely /not/ because he’s internally freaking the fuck out over the thought of the con job he and Taka are gonna attempt to pull off, fuck you very much), that he feels a weight fall against his shoulder. 

 Jolting slightly in surprise, Mondo looks to his left and feels his heart clench when he sees Taka leaning against him with his eyes closed, his mouth partially open, and his breathing deep and even. While it’s not even close to the first time he’s seen Taka while he’s sleeping— since they’ve had so many sleepovers by this point that it’s not funny— it still always manages to take him by surprise just how peaceful the teen looks when he’s asleep. His intense eyebrows aren’t furrowed into tight little knots, and his lips aren’t pulled down into that angry little scowl. He looks almost like a regular teen like this, like he hasn’t put the weight of the world forcibly onto his own shoulders. It’s… honestly super fucking alluring… not that he views Taka like that! Heh! 

 Anyway… Mondo focuses back on the TV as the final act of the show plays out, Mondo following along easily since he’s seen this episode a hundred goddamn times. He tries not to notice Taka’s steady weight against his shoulder, but it’s so fucking hard not to. After a minute, he gives into temptation and wraps his arm around Taka’s shoulder, allowing the teen to rest more comfortably against his side. He yet again ignores the clenching his heart gives when he feels Taka happily snuggle closer, lips releasing a happy little hum as he gets comfy. Ain’t a fucking problem. Not like this is the first time this shit has happened. No big deal. 

 When the episode finally ends, Mondo starts another one, not wanting to let go of Taka just then. It’s just nice, okay? Holding the teen. Feeling his warmth against him. Mondo’s always been a very tactile person and being close to Taka like this is just… nice. So fucking nice. It ain’t fucking weird, okay?! Shit…

 By the time that episode ends Mondo can feel the energy drink wear off, his body crashing from the caffeine high. Blinking back his exhaustion, he turns off the TV and turns to face his kyoudai, smiling at the peaceful expression. He truly regrets reaching out and shaking Taka gently to wake him, but he knows that he’s gotta. While he could carry the hall monitor to his bed no problem, he knows he can’t let Taka sleep in his uniform all night. And like hell is he gonna undress the teen without his knowledge. Shit’s creepy as fuck. 

 “Hey, kyoudai. Ya gotta wake up, man. It’s so fuckin’ late an’ we gotta get ta bed. Ya hear me?” Mondo mutters as he tries to rouse his sleeping friend. Given that Taka’s always been a bit of a heavy sleeper, it takes him a few moments of this before the teen blinks awake, his red eyes bleary with exhaustion. 

 “K-kyoudai? What are you doing here?” Taka mumbles sleepily, his eyes blinking heavily as he looks around the room absently. It makes Mondo smile, finding Taka unreasonably cute. He just can’t help it. Dude’s fucking adorable, ask anyone. 

 “Yer in my room, man. ‘Member? Ya had that problem with yer family an’ then I asked if ya wanted ta study? An’ ya said no, ya wanted ta watch a show instead? Only ta fall asleep halfway through the first episode, like the old man ya are? Ringin’ any bells?” Mondo rumbles, a smirk replacing the smile as he teases his friend. He watches as Taka continues to blink, comprehension filling his face slowly. A flush rises on Taka’s cheeks for reasons Mondo doesn’t know, the teen averting his eyes hastily. 

 “A-ah, yes, I… I’m sorry, kyoudai… I didn’t mean to fall asleep… d-did you still want to watch some of the show now? I do not mind!” Taka claims, though his voice is thick with sleep. Smiling softly, Mondo shakes his head. Then, unable to help himself, he reaches out and brushes back some of Taka’s hair, privately relishing in the coarseness of the strands. He can tell Taka didn’t take a shower like he usually does at night, leaving his hair all crunchy from his gel, the strands sticking out in all directions. It makes Taka look disheveled in a way Mondo doesn’t think anyone else has ever seen, save maybe his parents. The thought brings a rush of pure pleasure to flow through him. 

 “Nah, man. It’s cool. ‘Sides, I’m fuckin’ crashin’ hard. Just wanted ta wake ya so ya could change outta yer ridiculous uniform. Can’t sleep in that shit. Want, uh… w-want some help?” 

 Taka blinks blearily at him, his soft flush darkening. To Mondo’s intense shock, the teen nods slowly, red eyes sinking to the ground. Oh… shit. He hadn’t expected Taka to agree… not that he minds, of course, this ain’t the first time he’s helped his kyoudai undress (in a strictly platonic way, Jesus fucking Christ) but… h-heh. Shit. 

 “I-if you do not mind, my dearest kyoudai,” Taka mumbles, stabbing Mondo through the heart. Clearing his throat to try and dislodge the ball of emotion that has risen there, Mondo nods mutely and reaches forward to grab the ridiculous medals and pins and place them down on the table nearby. Taka helps with this, but his fingers are clumsy, his eyes drooping heavily with every second that passes. It’s so fucking adorable, but Mondo presses on and begins unbuttoning the ridiculously complex white jacket. Once that’s off, Mondo folds it the way Taka has taught him, though far more clumsily and awkwardly. It’s worth it to see the sleepy smile his kyoudai shoots him, though. 

 Soon enough Taka is down to his underwear, Mondo doing his best to not internally combust. But why the fuck should it matter if Taka’s in his underwear, huh?! He’s seen the dude naked a ton of times, since they routinely take a morning bath in the bathhouse together. Nakedness has never, not once, bothered Mondo, so he firmly ignores the heat in his gut as he reaches forward to lift up his kyoudai. It’s so expected by this point that Taka doesn’t even let out a token protest at the action, instead just wrapping his arms around Mondo’s neck with a happy hum.  

 The feel of sleep warm, bare skin against his body is stupidly distracting, so Mondo quickly heads for his bed and gently places Taka down atop it. Mondo gives himself one second to admire the image of a half naked, sleepy Taka cuddling down into his bed, before he begins discarding his pants and getting into the bed beside his kyoudai. He keeps his tank on, though. Just… for no reason, really. 

 As soon as his head hits the pillow, Mondo feels his eyes close heavily, his exhaustion catching up to him. It’s about half past two and even he’s tired as shit. Luckily it’s Saturday (Sunday now, technically), giving him all of tomorrow (today, shit, whatever) to lounge in bed and relax. He carefully doesn’t think about how Taka sure as shit ain’t gonna allow him to do that, as anal as the teen is about studying for the exams, and lets his delusion of a lazy day soothe him into the bliss of sleep. 

 Before he can fully drift off, though, he feels a cautious hand brush the back of his own, causing his eyes to flutter open and his head to loll to the side, eyeing his friend. Taka is curled into a ball on his side, like he usually sleeps, but even through the dark Mondo can see that his bright red eyes are open, even if they droop with sleep. 

 “Mondo? Are you awake?” Taka asks quietly, his voice softer than Mondo’s ever heard it. Concerned, Mondo moves his hand to grab his friend’s, squeezing the appendage tightly. 

 “Yeah. Y’okay, kyoudai? Need anythin’?” 

 Mondo watches as Taka shakes his head slowly, the hall monitor subtly shifting so that he’s closer to Mondo. Usually when they share a bed they’re able to stay on their respective sides, but it’s not uncommon for them to migrate to the middle, either in sleep or deliberately like this. He tells himself that firmly when he feels his heart jump at the feel of Taka’s head landing on his chest, Mondo’s arms automatically wrapping around an overwhelmingly warm chest. 

 “I just… wanted to thank you, my friend. For all your help today, and how kind you’ve always been to me. I will never understand why you- you care about me, but I… I cannot be more grateful. I… you truly are outstanding, Mondo. Truly.” 

 The whispered words break Mondo’s heart, and before he knows it he is tightening his grip to try and release some of the emotion that is building up inside him. Logically, he knows that he was Taka’s first friend and that a lot of the teen’s gratitude towards him is in regards to that, but… but sometimes, when Taka says shit like that, that’s he’s outstanding and kind and- and shit like that, he…

 He can almost find it in him to believe it…

 The emotion still far too overwhelming, Mondo finds himself leaning down and pressing a featherlight, gentle kiss to his kyoudai’s crown, an action he knows he will fervently deny to his dying day. Right now, though… he’s too tired to care. 

 “Shit… thanks, bro. Now, ‘nough chick shit. Get some sleep, man. Know yer gonna wanna be up stupidly early ta go over yer self-made study guide an’ I fuckin’ /know/ yer gonna force me ta do that shit too. So… get some sleep, Kiyo. Rest a’ this shit can wait ‘til mornin’, ‘kay?” 

 Taka nods sleepily against his chest, letting out one last happy sigh before he immediately falls into a deep sleep, his breathing deep and even. Mondo honestly envies how quick the teen can fall asleep, since even when he’s dead tired it takes Mondo a while to drift off. But that’s okay. He doesn’t mind. He’s glad Taka can find sleep that easy. He deserves it. 

 He uses his time to watch his kyoudai as he sleeps, sleepy eyes tracing over painfully familiar features, over and over again. If he were in his right mind he’d force himself to stop, thinking how fucking creepy it is to watch a person sleep, but he uses his exhaustion as an excuse and keeps going. Eventually his eyes get too heavy and he has to close them, sleep finding him soon after, but he’s not too disappointed. 

 It ain’t like this is the last time they’ll ever do this shit. 

 The thought is comforting. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(While they don’t show up for a few more chapters, here is a cheat sheet of Taka’s family on his mother’s side. Spoiler: there are a lot and they have similar names. No, this was not at all confusing for me while writing this story. No, I’m TOTALLY not lying right now. :-) )

Taka’s family (this part is a basic run down of Taka’s family on his mother’s side. This is what I used to come up with the OC’s I was going to need. Not all of these characters will be at the reunion, but most will. I have a more in depth run down with names and ages right after this):

Him

His mom and dad.

His mom’s older sister and younger brother. The sister is married and has three children, ages 14, 10, and 6. Taka gets along with the children reasonably well, but his aunt doesn’t approve of his sexuality. The brother is divorced and has two children, ages 8 and 3, but they’re not coming to the reunion.

His grandma who is a widow. His great aunt Hana and great uncle Akiro. They have two children, both of whom are coming. One of the children is unmarried while the other is and has three children, two twins about Taka’s age and a 13 year old. Taka doesn’t get along with the twins at all and only somewhat tolerates the 13 year old. The entire family is vaguely unpleasant and stuck up.

There is another cousin who is the child of another great uncle who passed, his grandmother’s older brother. This cousin has two children, one who is twenty five and has two children, ages three and five months, while the other is twenty and single. Taka gets along with them reasonably well.

Note: Pretty much all of these names were picked at random from a list of Japanese baby names. Very little thought was put into them, other than the name I gave Taka’s mother. But I already named her in my other fic The Problem With Perfection, ha.

~XOX~

List of people at the family reunion:

Takaaki: Taka’s dad. Like in canon, he’s a cop and is very tired all the time with the debt he has to pay back. He loves Taka dearly and would do anything for him. Age: Mid to late thirties

Kiyoshi: the name I gave Taka’s mom. Since, ya know… it’s not fair if he only gets named after his dad, ha. She is very kind and loving to Taka, and Taka is extremely close to her. Age: mid to late thirties.

Granny Kichi: Taka’s grandma, Kiyoshi’s mom. She’s very shrewd and opinionated, and she doesn’t like being in the wrong. She is not a fan of Mondo at all. Age: late sixties, early seventies.

Great Aunt Hana: Taka’s aunt, older sister of his grandma. She lived with Kiyoshi and Kichi when Kiyoshi was little, so she’s like a second mother to her. She’s even more stubborn and opinionated than Kichi, which is saying a lot, though she tends to be more fair in her judgement and is cautiously approving of Mondo. Age: early to mid seventies.

Great Uncle Akiro: Hana’s husband. While he also lived with Kiyoshi and Kichi, Kiyoshi isn’t as close to him, as he’s very reserved. She loves him dearly though. Age: late seventies.

Kumi: Taka’s first cousin once removed, though he calls her ‘aunt.’ She’s the daughter of Akiro and Hana. Very unpleasant and elitist and doesn’t get along well with Kiyoshi, despite being raised together, making them almost siblings. Mildly homophobic. Age: mid to late forties.

Daichi: Kumi’s husband, who Taka calls ‘uncle’. He’s a successful business man and is very rigid and cold. Like Byakuya but a bit less pretentious and more cruel. Is very disparaging to Takaaki and Kiyoshi because of the Ishimaru scandal. Homophobic. Age: late forties.

Akihiko: Taka’s other first cousin once removed, though he calls him ‘uncle.’ The son of Akiro and Hana. He never married and is a happy bachelor. He and Taka get along well, though Akihiko is much more laid back than any of the others in the family. He’s close to Kiyoshi and they get along very well. Age: late forties.

Eiko: Taka’s second cousin. She is the twin sister to Eichi and is the first daughter of Kumi and Daichi. She is a very unpleasant, nasty girl who thinks herself better than others because her father is rich. Taka dislikes her greatly, though he does his best to be polite to her. She has no real opinion on homosexuality, but she has no problem using it against Taka. Age: sixteen, almost seventeen. About a year younger than Taka at the time of this fic.

Eichi: Taka’s other second cousin. He is the twin brother to Eiko and only son of Kumi and Daichi. He is also very unpleasant, always bullying Taka because of what happened to Taka’s paternal grandfather. Taka would never admit it, but he hates Eichi and equates him with the worst of his bullies in grade school. He also has no real strong opinions about homosexuality, but definitely doesn’t mind using it against Taka. Age: sixteen, almost seventeen.

Haruki: Taka’s other second cousin. Younger sister of Eichi and Eiko and youngest daughter of Kumi and Daichi. Of her branch of the family, she is the nicest, but that’s not saying much as she is still very stuck up and snobbish. She looks down upon Taka for the scandal, but she doesn’t hate him and doesn’t tend to bully him. She is actually supportive of gay rights, though she does not publicly admit this for fear of being alienated by her family. Age: thirteen.

Jin: daughter of an unnamed great uncle, who was the eldest brother of Kichi and Hana. She is married to Taishiro. They are not attending the reunion so they don’t really matter, ha. Age: mid fifties.

Yoshi: Taka’s second cousin. Eldest daughter of Jin and Taishiro. She is kind of like a big sister to Taka and they get along well. She is mellower than Taka, though she also has a strict sense of right and wrong, and has a bubbly personality. Age: twenty-five.

Alex: Married to Yoshi. He is an American immigrant who lives in Japan. He is nice enough, though very bland and his Japanese is so-so. Age: mid to late twenties.

Samantha: Taka’s second cousin once removed, daughter of Yoshi and Alex. She is three and is very rambunctious and spirited. Talks A LOT. Taka adores her and she adores Mondo, to Mondo’s confusion, disgruntlement, and private delight. Age: three.

Benny: Taka’s other second cousin once removed, son of Yoshi and Alex. He is an infant and is very, very cute. Taka adores him dearly. Yes, he is just an excuse to have Taka and Mondo hold and take care of a baby and I won’t apologize for it. Age: five months.

Miki: Taka’s other second cousin. Youngest daughter of Jin and Taishiro. She is currently in university as a fashion design major and wants to become a famous fashion designer. Bugs Taka all the time about Junko (who, BTW, isn’t evil in the AU, but is definitely not nice). Taka doesn’t get along with her as well as he gets along with Yoshi, but he likes her well enough. She has trouble finding a date (mostly due to her overbearing nature) and is bitter about it, but is super supportive of Taka and Mondo’s “relationship.” Age: 20

Ryoko: Taka’s actual aunt. Older sister of Kiyoshi. Homophobic and very vocal about her disdain for Taka and Mondo’s relationship. Before he came out, Taka had liked his aunt very much, and is very hurt by her disdain and disgust for him now. She does not get along well with her younger sister at all because of her comments towards Taka. Before that, they were fairly close as well.  Age: early forties.

Yuudai: Ryoko’s husband. A very meek and quiet man who gets overshadowed by his wife. Taka feels a bit sorry for him, but never says that. He is not homophobic but he doesn’t speak out against his wife. Age: early forties.

Ronin: Taka’s first cousin, son of Ryoko and Yuudai. A spirited boy who takes a shining to Mondo, much to Mondo’s discomfort. Unlike his mother, he has no problem with people who are gay. Age: fourteen.

Raidon: Taka’s first cousin, son of Ryoko and Yuudai. Quieter than his older brother, Raidon likes to look and listen, not speaking much. He also likes Mondo and has no problem with people who are gay. Age: ten.

Rini: Taka’s first cousin, daughter of Ryoko and Yuudai. Very loud and energetic, she adores Taka and is borderline obsessed with Mondo, to Mondo’s supposed horror. Taka finds it adorable. Does not understand why her mother does not like Mondo or his relationship to Taka. Age: six.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that’s the first chapter! I honestly really like this chapter and it’s prolly the main reason I keep thinking about this story so much. I really wanted to share this chapter specifically, so I’m glad I’m finally sharing it here on Tumblr. I’ve been meaning to for AGES, but kept putting it off. But there’s no time like the present. ^-^ Hopefully I’ll post the second chapter tomorrow, prolly in a different post to not make this one insanely long. I’ll prolly not add the italics to that chapter and just have the little slants to indicate italics, since it took me a while to do that today. I’ve not put this fic on my computer since it’s unfinished, so I just have my little indicators I use on my phone at the moment. Sorry if that bothers anyone. 

[in-a-slanted-outhouse]

I’m gonna be honest that I really wanna update my fics rn and write and all but I don’t currently feel as though I can. The past week week has not been that great for me. I’ve been sick and I also recently started taking an iron supplement for my anaemia which is possibly what’s fucking with me. But I’ve kinda found that it’s really a hit or miss as to whether I can get something to hold my attention. And the things that I can get to hold my attention for a couple hours just end up completely exhausting me. So essentially for the sake of myself I am gonna put all fics on hold for now. I may write a little bit if I can get myself to but a) my executive functioning and task switching recently has not been good b) my general mental illnesses and shit have not been great either c) I am not actually enjoying a lot of the things I’m doing. I’ve been finding myself writing or drawing or even just listening to music and going ‘hey I’m actually really really bored and not enjoying this at all’ and that’s not good. Yesterday I was able to draw for a couple hours no problem but it really really did me in. I came out of it feeling utterly exhausted and clogged up in my brain. I might just be sick or maybe it’s my period (because I am sick and on my period lol) but it feels like more than that. I feel like I have a deeper issue going on but I guess we shall see. So essentially my plan to write during my week off has been side swiped. They are however putting me on anxiety medication next week so hopefully that does something. But for now I’m probably not going to be updating any of my fics for now. That’s not say I won’t because I am getting some moments where I don’t feel completely numb to the idea but I’m not gonna hold myself to it or make it a goal. Idk how long for. This could last a couple weeks or even a couple months but hopefully not for too long. Thanks for all the support y’all have given me with my silly lil stories. I hope to get back on it soon :]

Tl;dr: I’m putting writing on hold for now because of personal issues

[ashpentagram]

Lately I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel, and overall the fandom.

Like. My thoughts aren’t necessarily the greatest, and a lot of y’all are trying my patience in aspects of body diversity and moral implications and general behavior of characters. Maybe I’ll make a stupid-long post neatly organizing my thoughts on it all.

In short though, I really don’t want what I make to be compared to canon. I don’t care if what I do is different. I don’t care what canon has to say about anything I make and anything I represent in my AUs and in my stories. If I cared, it’d just be a rigid self-insert story with no plot and no life to it.

I don’t like canon, to be blunt. I think it’s in poor taste, I think the way people interpret the characters is downright abysmal in majority cases, and I’m so sick of the infighting. I’m sick of the fetishization of gay men, and the overall lack of care I’ve viewed firsthand in all of this.

Yeah the animation is nice. Yeah there’s some good character designs. Yeah there’s a lot of very skilled people working on these shows and I want to support them and be proud of what they are making.

But I could sit here for hours picking apart all of the writing choices that have been made exclusively within canon, and how each of these choices have been abandoned for some weird fantasy of a “will-they won’t-they” that has long since overstayed it’s very brief and hesitant welcome.

I’m not even bashing on Viv, or really anything the crew has done. At face value, if you turn off your brain and you enjoy it for what it claims to be at face value, Helluva Boss is fine. It’s an ok show. It’s pretty, unique, and you’ve got silly uncensored (for the most part) fuck words in it.

But once you peel back the initial layer, you’re stuck peeling this god damn thing for hours connecting dots that say “this show is not thought out” and “what even is the point”

Like… pertaining to leaks and QnAs and general shit like that, why answer with “I don’t know” in any capacity? Am I supposed to take the fact that you’re telling me you don’t know something about your own creation and be more satisfied with that answer over “I can’t answer that due to spoilers”? Do you want people to think you’re bsing your way through a series that is much bigger than you probably intended it to get? I just don’t see the logic in some of the choices or the answers made.

And I will say, I’m heavily biased towards my own creations I’ve built as AUs of HH/HB, but I’ve always shoved those creations aside when looking at HB for what it is. I’ve tried so hard trying ti figure out the canon of the shows and with every episode it feels like it’s fuck all, “we want overarching plot but we also want it episodic but we also want tension but that tension can’t actually matter too much because this is episodic and we already decided we wanted to do somn different next episode”

Like? Ok. Whatever. At this rate it’s just so hard to give any sort of opinion other than “the series makes me tired with how hard it tries to make sense yet consistently shoots itself in the foot and then laughs about it not making sense”.

I had this in my drafts last night because just trying to think of a plausible reason to care about this show other than feeling obligated to care is so exhausting it makes me sad that something I’ve loved for so long has turned so abysmally rancid because I dared think about it in a critical manner outside of “silly demons are pretty and the animation is something different and indie”. It’s so exhausting that the first time I felt inescapable giddiness with the series was episode one, went through four episodes of wariness and confusion after that, and then felt happy when Stolas did something remotely interesting with his summoning in episode six, only for that to be stamped to dust by episode 7, and then of course, infamous episode 9. It’s been one hell of a ride, that’s for sure, and one I really wish was over by now unless it’s got some sort of ace up its sleeve that’ll briefly ignite the passion I once had for it.

I don’t hate the show. I don’t hate Viv. I don’t “hate” anything about this. I’m just really tired ig.

[ilovetheweeknd333]

shifting recently for me

as of recently i’ve been really unmotivated to shift but my life is constantly going to shit making me want to shift to get out of this life. but i am constantly changing where i want to shift to and who i want to shift to making me even more unmotivated to shift. i want to take a shifting break but i am constantly coming up with ideas i haven’t even put in any shifting attempts because i end up falling asleep because im exhausted. im so tired yet i won’t stop because i wanna shift so i can finally be happy. but i started a new mha script because i wanna see hanta. but i started this on wednesday and today i feel very like home sick and like depressed. like i feel like i should be somewhere else because im not in the right spot. and im constantly seeing angel numbers and sign’s everywhere.

but yeah i felt like i should update y’all because i haven’t been active that much so yeah

happy holidays!!!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Real Life Tasks With Ransom Drysdale

An Advent Calendar of 24 Normal Human Tasks As Performed By A Huge Man Baby. 

Day 2: That’s Not Exactly Folgers In Your Cup

Warnings: Smut (Oral) and Bad Language Words

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Reader

A/N- Hello! I hope y’all are as excited about this holiday special collaboration made with @what-is-your-plan-today​ and @jennmurawski13​ as I am. It all blossomed from early morning (for me) ramblings and we decided to do it. 2020 has been a hell of a year and we all needed a little something to smile about. And come on, whats funnier then imagining Ransom Drysdale trying to be domestic? Plus it gives some feels. There will be smut written in occasionally, so please heed the warnings to each individual fic. 

Also, we are alternating, but will reblog on our accounts, if you don’t want to miss any, send a message and we will get you added to the tag list. Happy Reading. 

Series Masterlist

Ransom woke before you, the early morning light streaming through the window cut right across his face and he swore into the pillow while rolling to his back to sling his arm over his eyes to cut off the annoyance. He was almost there, back in that blissful state of unconsciousness when his body took over and insisted he get up. Any further attempt to return to sleep was now disrupted when natural morning urges overtook him and he sighed while lifting his arm to let the light return, blinking rapidly to adjust to the the most inconvenient thing to plague him at this hour. 

Next to him you were still asleep, soundly, peacefully which made him scowl at you for being so blissfully unconscious. He envied you in this moment as he rolled up from bed and trudged into the bathroom to take care of himself. Afterwards once he came back out, he grabbed a pair of grey sweatpants and slipped them on. You would be waking up soon, and there was one thing you always wanted before anything else, even before you were pregnant, it was a must have or else. Now you valued this all that much more since his child seemed to just suck all the energy from you, savored it more then he savored his biscoff cookies. 

Your coffee. And hell be damned if you didn't get your coffee. 

Now typically you make it, liking a certain amount of scoops to get you through the morning, touch of cream and a little sprinkle of sugar just to take the bite out of it. Ransom has seen you make it countless times in the morning, your over sized tee hanging around your thighs and hair piled atop your head. Your eyes would be closed while you measured, you just knew it down to the action how you wanted it. He never tried to mess with your perfection. In fact he learned early on to stay out of your way the first twenty minutes in the morning unless he was taking care of you between the sheets. That was the only equivalent you were accepting of in the morning. 

This morning Ransom felt a twinge of affection now that he was awake, seeing you shift into the middle of the bed and pull his pillow into your chest like you were hugging it. Gently he leaned over and brushed the flyaway hair from your forehead and pressed a kiss there before leaving the bedroom to head downstairs. 

Typically you just made Ransom a coffee too, it became almost a habit for him to want it, although he didn't need it, not like you did. But yea, he craved it and decided that this morning, since he was already up, he would just do it himself. Regardless of the fact that you had forbidden him to touch the coffee maker for some reason. Which fuck it was in his kitchen, if he wanted to use it he was going to. 

“Can't be that hard, dump some grounds in, put in the fucking water.” He flipped off the top of the coffee maker to see if you pre-filled it the night before, sometimes you did. Last night was not the case though. Reached into the cupboard for the precious Starbucks coffee and opened the bag to breathe in the strong coffee bean aroma. Okay, he had to admit it was a pleasant smell, and already he could feel himself feel a bit more upbeat. He ended up setting it aside and searched everywhere for the measuring spoon, leaving a slight kitchen destruction in his path of open drawers and stuff piled on top of the kitchen counter, he just eyeballed dumping the coffee in. Completely forgetting the filter in the process. 

Impatiently he waited, fingers tapping on the counter as the drip drip drip started. “It would be faster just to have someone deliver.” He muttered to himself, contemplating how much you would protest possibly hiring a housekeeper. Fran was decent… enough. He thought to himself. Aside from her being the most annoying woman his grandfather had hired. Of course she could be useful when the occasion called for it. Like now, how fucking easy would it be if someone was just delivering you two the coffee in bed.  

Already he knew you probably weren't going to go for it, it was fine for Harlan according to you because he needed the help. In fact when he brought it up, your eyes rolled and you scoffed at him. “You are kidding right Ransom? You are a grown ass man, do it yourself.” 

 When the coffee maker finally gave the last spurt, and sounded exhausted, Ransom shook his head from the memory and turned to pull down two mugs and proceeded to pour into each. It was black, blacker than usual. He sniffed it, and needless to say it was STRONG. 

Ransom just kept going, grabbing your half and half, as well as the small bit of sugar you like, he stirred it all together and brought it back up the stairs. 

You were just waking up when he reentered the bedroom. Your arms lifting up to hit lightly against the headboard and your wiggling fingers while giving a yawn, you inhaled the strong scent of coffee and immediately pushed to sit. 

“What is that? Is that what I think it is?” Your eyes widened as Ransom set the mug down on your nightstand with a roll of his eyes. 

“Well good morning to you to Princess.” he stated as you grinned at him, reaching over for the mug while he sat on the end of the bed. You didn't dare take a sniff as if to check, not with the way Ransom was watching you intently and you just took a sip. 

It hit your mouth with a ferocity that brought tears to brim to your eyes, and your taste buds screamed in protest at the gritty black death you were forcing yourself to swallow, doing everything you could to keep from spitting it out. You were just thankful that this morning you were dealing with morning sickness, yet. Somehow you forced the bitter liquid down your throat and tried to keep a straight face, as you were touched with Ransom’s act of kindness, something he was still working on. But there was no hiding your expression, as hard as you tried to keep it from Ransom.

His head dropped when he saw your face. “Fucking terrible isn’t it? See this is why you should let me hire a housekeeper.” 

“Ransom, it tastes just fine. And we don’t need a housekeeper. This house isn't all that big.” You rolled your eyes as you showed him you were right by taking another sip of his coffee, forcing a smile on your face. 

“I always had a housekeeper, and I turned out fine.” Ransom rebutted while moving to a stand. “Put that cup down. You can make some later.” He instructed and you were quick to set it aside, relieved not to have to pretend anymore. Ransom yanked the blankets away, making you tumble a bit in bed with a yelp. 

“Ransom! What are you doing?” You looked down at him as he grasped your ankles, sliding you down the bed while he moved to kneel at the end of the bed, smirking at you. 

“Cant make coffee worth shit. But I can do this, and I know you like this just as much.” 

He was right, the man had a mouth on him that you had a hard time resisting, even when he was pissing you off. 

Fingers delved under the band of your sleep shorts and slipped them off before draping your legs over his shoulders and pressing hungry kisses along the inside of your thigh. “Okay, you have me there, maybe I do. I'm a little scared to see what you did down in the kitchen now.” 

“Nothing that can't be cleaned up.” He looked up at you, and you opened your mouth to say something about how you were going to have to clean it when he let his mouth press against your cunt and his tongue bury between the folds. 

That effectively distracted you, making your words stutter from the tip of your tongue into a moan while he lapped at you, shifting between quick flicks to flattening his tongue and dragging through your folds to suck at that bundle of nerves that made you gasp his name in a needy way. Your hands shoot down to twist into his hair, holding onto his scalp while he takes you apart with his mouth. Toes curled into his upper back when he teased you further, your hips starting to rock to meet the darts of his tongue in your clenching channel. You let yourself fall back into the pillows and quit trying to reason with him or make him feel better. You just let yourself experience this new attempt at treating you.

“Please Ransom, I want to come now.” You whined out while his fingers flexed on your hips, keeping you mostly pinned in place although your body was rippling to arch and grind into him. Your heels firmly pressing into his back in an attempt to lever yourself although he was firm in his hold. Unwilling to let you move just yet. Ransom sucked folds of flesh into his mouth, the lower part of his face slick when he lifted to smirk at you, and shifted a heavy forearm across your hips, careful not to press against your stomach. 

“How badly do you want to come, Princess?” He licked at his lips, brighter pink with use then normal and you glared at him down your body. 

“Considering I am growing you spawn in me, you think you would treat me better.” Trying your hand at using guilt to get him into giving you your orgasm, he let his fingers stretch your open, pressing into your warmth. 

“You know I love you, and only treat you fucking good.” His fingers curled to stroke your fluttering walls, enticing you to come for him with every stroke against your sweet spot. “Come on Beautiful, come undone for me so we can start our day.” 

You pressed to arch but he was sure to keep you held down. You started to see stars peppering your eyesight and your mouth dropped open in a silent gasp as you came for him, that rush enveloped you to send tingles all along your nerves, and your voice finally broke out in a soft cry of his name while your toes dug into his flexing back, and fingers twisted in the sheets in a weak attempt to stay grounded. 

It didn't stop him, he kept lapping at your sensitive bud, sucking and driving you to another with steady strokes of his finger. “That was just one... you know we are not stopping Princess until you have had a couple more.”  

Ransom couldn't make coffee to save his life, but he certainly knew how to make you come more than just the one time.