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system-of-a-feather · 1 year ago

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Relating to this post and this post, but I feel there is this stigma around "being triggeered" an acting in a way that is charged by the fact you are "triggered" as though it undermines your actions, invalidates your actions, or makes you wrong because its some "mental health symptom"

But being triggered literally has no weight to it and while it provides context, does not inherently make anything right or wrong, good or bad, valid or not.

In fact, I would even make the claim that being triggered really isn't inherently even a negative thing to be in all situations. Often times? Yes. Sometimes though? Its adaptive, appropriate, and useful to handle situations.

The difference? Control, awareness, and moderation - as well as just generally how deeply triggered you are. (cause if you are having full on flashbacks and full dissociative freeze, theres little 'control' you can put to that level of triggered; for the point of this post, I am talking about emotionally triggered / passively triggered)

There is nothing inherently wrong with operating in / from a mindset informed and charged by past experiences. Can it be excessive? Yes. Can it cloud judgement? Yes. Can it get out of hand and become self destructive / harmful and add more stress and harm to oneself if left to fester? Yes. Are any of those inherently going to happen if you indulge and allow those feelings to have space to air and inform your decisions? Absolutely not.

Cause here's the thing - especially with DID - being triggered can take up a fucking huge part of your life if you have C-PTSD or a CDD - thats just the facts of the life. If you have DID, you might have parts and fragments that in the very essence of them, are going to be triggered cause theyre trauma holders, EPs, fragments, and what not. Some of them literally don't exist outside of the constant internal existence of what they've been through. If you are going to wait until you are "not triggered" to live your life, you are never going to get anywhere. If you treat being triggered as this moral failing or intellectual failing, you are going to deeply struggle to build a loving relationship with the hurt you've been through.

The ways you act when you are triggered had / have a purpose. Even if the behavior is 99.9% of the time maladaptive and unhealthy, at least ONCE in your life it was adaptive and served to tell and communicate something stupid fucking important - otherwise it would not be there.

The challenge is figuring out what that stupid fucking important thing is beyond the stress that those 99.9% maladaptive behaviors and mindsets while triggered are, but every part and every trauma response is there to tell you something you need to know.

If you are able to be okay with being triggered, know where it comes from, know what its trying to tell you, know where it intends to go and what it will want to do, and you are able to walk away from it when you realize it is no longer serving you, being "triggered" can be an aid in your recovery and life in the occasional moments when that percentage of "adaptive behavior" presents itself.

XIV 1.0 was a pure solid EP who literally only experienced sadistic high from causing problems and screwing over established structures and would ACTIVELY look for things to be annoyed at / mad about and people making silly exploitable mistakes so that he could make them regret it and so he could get a high of some ambiguous concept of "dominating" and thus crushing people. It stems from the fact that in our household it was eat or be eaten and the most aggressive manipulative and intimidating person controlled the house, including safety, security, food, and if our dad was going to rage and hurt people. Having that insane high and joy from sadistically dominating people the second they make a single exploitable mistake is something that SEVERELY saved our ass growing up when we were a preteen left to figure out how to make sure our parents didn't get us killed.

Upon fusing with Rayku years ago I really realized as FUNNY and FUN as all that shit still registered to me, as much of an addictive high it gave me, the only place that shit was going to get me was an early grave and hurting everyone else in the system so I put a few years into learning to put that skill and joy on the shelf to use if it is ever needed again.

And every so often? Someone gets power hungry and abusive in a way that is fucked up and needs to be shaken, torn down, and have the small little mistakes exploited to punish shitty people behavior, and yeah, I'll be running off of a similar mindset to my trauma environment. Yeah I'll be having almost the same feelings and disproportionate focus and adrenaline. Yeah I'll essentially be having a passive emotional ""flashback"", but at any point, anyone in the system can say "hey XIV thats enough" and I literally can take a deep breath, sigh, and put it aside and go "yeah you're right"

I can choose to allow this to fester and direct my actions and I can choose to put it away as we see it necessary.

So yeah I am probably technically "triggered", but thats honestly by intention. Its helpful and adaptive. It lets me take down shit I find disgusting. I can put it away whenever I want to, I just simply choose to not, because in this moment, being triggered is far more helpful and adaptive to my current goals in life than being placated and peaceful. Plus, because we can turn it on and off as we need, everyone else can just exist as they do while I sit and indulge this when I feel the need to and trust that others will just tell me to cool it if I ever get too deep.

Cause honestly, its also this openness to indulge "being triggered" that is like... honestly the crux of being able to fuse and unfuse at relative will. It's how Chunn and I fuse and unfuse like every few weeks. We choose to indulge our exaggerated corners of the brain when we want to be seperate and shrug it off and let them meld when we want to be together.

#alter: xiv #fusion fuckery #wishiwashi #wishiwashi recovery #trauma talk #cptsd #ptsd #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #final fusion #functional multiplicity #syscussion #sysconversation #xiv rant

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 months ago

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Hi, i am sorry if that'll get a bit longer but i need to get this off my shoulders. There should be no triggers.

I was wondering for years if i have head mates, some symptoms suggesting yes, but not clear enough for me. Then i read about osdd-1b, the way that the non-amnesia manifested for one system and they said "i got out of an amnesia and got the information what happened during that time right into my brain like a script" and that is literally what has happened to me. But only once, as far as i am aware, and that was 10 years ago. I was always carefully talking to potential head mates (or to myself, i mean, if you talk to your inner self or a mate doesn't really matter, it felt good) but always with the thought of "i am not sure, time will tell". And it does feel like sometimes there are people listening, sometimes more people, sometimes less, but i never got any clear enough (for my peace of mind) feedback. Until yesterday. So i was watching this new series and there was this character who shook something in me. Who was like some part in me, by the looks but even more by behavior and thoughts. I had dreams about this behavior in the past, which really made me euphoric in that dream and really confused me when awake, because it was so not-me like. I can't explain the "me but not me" thing very well, sorry. Also, it is not about anything violent or so, i just try to keep this short.

Then i wrote down in my diary what i thought about that and idk it didn't really feel like i was writing anymore at some point (and my hand was shaking so much that i will never be able to decipher this, lol). So i tried to "get in contact" today again, and it didn't really work. Which is as usual, but now i am at a point where i really have to ask myself, what if i am wrong? What if the symptoms are because of some other illness or just random (since nothing was really an exclusive symptom), and if i believe too much in it and interpret symptoms according to my beliefs?

At what point can i say "Well, that wasn't true"? And will i belief it then?

Can you give me some advice?

Hi anon,

It is not up to me to tell you whether or not your experiences are due to having a dissociative disorder or not, as you would know that better than anyone else - it's your mind and your experience.

As someone who was recently diagnosed with OSDD, it is absolutely normal to fluctuate between feeling alone in your mind and feeling the presence of others. It's normal to question whether or not your experiences are truly due to OSDD, even after diagnosis. It's normal to wonder if you're trying to convince yourself that what you're experiencing is OSDD, even if that truly is the case. It's normal for certain parts to resonate with characters and use them to shape or define themselves. It's normal to hear silence when trying to communicate internally.

Something that has really helped me is to remind myself not to think about it too hard - in other words, it's okay if you're wrong about having OSDD, you're just trying to figure out what's going on inside your mind and there's nothing wrong with that. Especially because dissociative disorders are so stigmatized, it's hard to not immediately label or question experiences. But I've personally found, in having OSDD, that my system functions and communicates best when I let things exist how they are, without trying to ask myself if this is OSDD or potentially another condition.

If anyone else would like to offer their thoughts or reassurance, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #osdd #questioning system #osdd-1b

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limoncats · 5 months ago

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hey, remember the tag on this post?

you know what? i'm gonna explain.

quick apology if the post sounds weird, it is currently 1 minute away from 11 pm as i'm typing this sentence.

ig this is a vent? anyway long post up ahead so !!

also apologies if this sounds stupid.

btw this post is not a self-diagnosis post

TWs for: mentions of self-h@rm, discussion of trauma

if these trigger you, don't read this! or do, but just be warned.

okay, so,

am i disabled?

alright, so am i physically disabled? no, not to my knowledge.

am i mentally disabled? i have no official diagnosis, but i am speculating. the speculation in question? this whole post

i have speculations that i have Asperger's Syndrome and possible selective mutism

Asperger's Syndrome

okay so. let me show you the symptoms and i'll explain

according to nationwidechildrens.org, the symptoms for Asperger's are:

i'll go over each one and tell you my experiences with each

now uh. i don't actually know what this means ;; but if this counts, i'll put it here: whenever i'm supposed to say basic things like "good morning," or "thank you," i can't seem to verbally? like the words don't seem to be able to come out of my mouth. it actually is more like that i don't even think to say them, so i don't. i remember this whole thing resulted in a fucking argument i had with my mother and her friend JUST because i didn't say good morning to him. as you can imagine, it was pretty traumatic. i think this may actually be more of "struggling to understand social cues," but eh.

i– yeah i can understand emotions usually (if i can clearly see it/tell based off of a person's facial expression what emotion they're feeling.) and i think my expressiveness is fine? idfk however kill me.

i can understand gestures just fine, unless i don't clearly understand what the person means? it's like if my mum points to something but i don't know where she's pointing to because i can't tell (and then she gets mad at me ;;). it might just be a thing on my mum's part but honestly i don't fucking know.

yes! irl the only thing i talk about with my school friends is CoAD since they like it too, and it's usually super awkward when i try to talk to an irl friend who doesn't know/enjoy CoAD so ;; and if they don't, sometimes i tell them about it and keep rambling on and on about it. now regarding the "convos revolving around them," part, i'm also pretty sure that's a yeah too? like yk when i ask a question like "guys what (insert thing here) am i"? i feel that i do that pretty frequent and i think it counts so ?

nah i think my speech is fine

mfw CoAD

auhhh???? i don't know i don't have memory of it so i think no

uh. if getting mad at my mum for making me do chores while i'm having fun either watching a video, talking to friends or drawing counts then uh. yeah

oh ofc. like i memorised how tall Wadanohara's familiars (Memoca, Dolphi, Fukami and Samekichi) are and when Yonaka's birthday is instead of memorising what the word "verbatim" means (it took me some time to memorise)

i don't think i'm that clumsy + my handwriting is fine and it's easy to write so

ohhhh Hm. so i can hold emotions pretty fine (it does sorta hurt to hold in so much anger) but sometimes they do come out a little and i end up like punching my thighs or something. it's happened at school before (yes, i've actually punched my thighs out of anger before)

uhhhhhhh??????? i feel like i'd have to get reeeeally specific for this one and i'm not feeling it right now

now to lights and touch i'm fine, but sound? lemme explain. so i can listen to like a video at (somewhat) loud volume while at home, but if i overhear like loud music coming from a club i get uncomfortable and i sometimes cry

so that's that for the Asperger's part, now let's move on to:

Selective mutism

i'll format it basically the same as the previous section so.

according to NHS, symptoms of selective mutism are:

"characterised by a sudden stillness and frozen facial expression when they're expected to talk to someone outside of their comfort zone" is so real ngl

anyway

yeah i do get nervous. i assume i look so too

my mum tells me i come off as rude, she says like, "hey you can't just stay silent! that's really rude!" wow mum i feel so much better! (<- lie) also i'm pretty sure i come off as sulky because whenever i frown around my mum's friends, once we're separated for something, my mum always says "suratına asma," which basically means "stop frowning." you have no idea how angry i get when i hear that my god.

nah i'm like. 99.9% sure that i come off as the opposite of clingy

yeah i sometimes describe myself as shy (sometimes is emphasised because i usually don't like calling myself "shy" because it makes me feel cringe.)

i. don't know lol. i guess so yeah? yeah i think so actually

i'm not aggressive (at least not physically or verbally), but i do get pissed when my mum asks me. ofc i don't let it out because i don't want to fucking assault mother

now i didn't include this because i don't think it's a disorder, but whenever i go through something traumatic (or the aftermath of something traumatic), i question if i'm real? like i think i sorta put myself in this sort of delusion that i'm living in a nightmare i can't wake up from whenever i go through something traumatic

also i hate looking in a mirror due to questioning who i'm looking at

i still question who i was looking at in the mirror that one day to this day.

i'm not sure if this is dissociation because i don't understand the definition of dissociation, or if it's part of a disorder. i did suspect DPDR, but i don't know i don't think so ? i'm also not sure if this is just puberty with the whole "questioning who you are" thing (though i think that's in terms of identity, not fucking questioning your REALITY 💀)

have i tried getting a diagnosis?

yes, i have, actually, so let me explain:

i wrote a text document to my dad about my speculations on having Asperger's, but he just laughed it off and said "i've met people with autism and you're NOTHING like them haha!!!" which was just. okay dad.

he suggested i tell my mother and i agreed

now this is when things go downhill 😭😭

so i told my mum when i went back to hers and she also basically had a similar response but she agreed to get it diagnosed one day.

then some time later she tells me that i might have to wait 2 years to get my diagnosis so 💀💀💀

and then one day i start telling her that one of my school classmates recommend talking therapy and all of a sudden she gets all hostile like "why do you need to label yourself? what difference does it make? it's unnecessary" which is VERY funny considering this woman is a FUCKING SOCIOLOGY LECTURER WITH A PHD.

we've had a couple arguments about it and it still pisses me off. she even practically made fun of me to her friend's husband when i went to The Netherlands last week and she was like, "yeah i think her generation has a weird obsession with needing to label themselves?" mum do you hear yourself. oh i'm sorry i want to improve my mental health by knowing what's up with me and attempting to get support.

SPEAKING of trying to get support once diagnosed, during one of our arguments over if diagnosis really does anything at all, in response to her saying, "what do you do with it?", i said, "i can well. try and get support ??" and then HER ASS responds with, "THERE IS NO SUPPORT."

FUCK YOU MEAN THERE IS NO SUPPORT???? YOU'RE A SOCIOLOGIST YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE IS.

i haven't told either of my parents of my speculations for having selective mutism, though i feel it'll just go the same as what happened with the Asperger's shit so

i think my parents just have stereotypes of autism that i don't fall into so thErEfoRE YoU'Re noT aUtistiC!!!!11!1!!

anyway so that's practically it. thanks for reading what absolute insanity i've gotten myself into, and also what state my mental health is in!!! (ofc this isn't the entirety of my mental health lol.)

have a good day/afternoon/evening/night ♡

— limoncats

#mental health #long post #vent post #neurodiversity #mental illness #i was listening to my Spotify playing with earphones so i wouldn't wake my mum while writing this ^^#autism #aspeger's syndrome #asd #selective mutism

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savingthrcw · 6 months ago

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little venting on dash about ptsd, the portrayal of it in fandom and D.octor W.ho

okay not to suck intensely but I made the mistake of looking at the Doctor W.ho tag and I swear, the way tumblr talks about ptsd, trauma and shows where there is PTSD and trauma, is like... accidentally bound to make some real people's PTSD feel worse

the whole 'he has PTSD, he FAKES smiling, he's breaking down, he hides the pain behinf eveything is does' (especially said about a show that I generally associate with hope) is just... you KNOW people with PTSD can also be happy and really smile, right? WHILE suffering from it? And not just 'sometimes, but every day, and then yes, maybe they get triggered and are a nervous wreck for weeks, maybe a lot of their activities is with the purpose of feeling better *or* to escape feeling bad, they can overworry and have a negative view of every outcome of actions they take, they can avoid discussing things (or overshare!) and every person is different, just like the way they face whatever disorder they have is different.

My PTSD can lead me to 10 days straight of constant nightmares as soon as I close my eyes, which makes me sleep deprived and angry and teary, and has a constellation of symptoms that make hard to live in society, and I will still have hope and laugh, and it's not pretend-laughing. When I look at characters on tv with pts, every time a character is trying to deal with, either they *are* trying to hide pain or maybe they are just trying to live, but it doesn't make a difference, the fandom will say they are 100000% depressed and a bottomless pit of despair

and it makes me feel like... real people with PTSD who are just now learning they have it and what it is, will see this and think 'oh so that's how I'll end up, if I'm trying to be happy now it means I'm faking it and running from the inevitable' because damn it, I had to question myself a few times because of tumblr and I hate that I did, what more people with less self-awareness? Am I too happy? Does it mean it's not real and I'm avoiding the pain? No! PTSD is often accompanied by depression (which is not also a 'you can never smile' disorder) but doesn't come hand in hand with it, it's not automatic, and it's a bummer to watch my comfort shows only to read over and over how as soon as you got traumas your life is a forever tragedy and 'he has to heal!' -proceeds to discount everything he has done to do so, just because he still has avoidance (totally normal even if he's doing better, especially if traumas keep happening!) or hasn't fully healed yet (lots of people don't fully heal at all) and invalidates every second of happiness he has-

It feels like the opposite message of the Doctor, who says you smile because you know you'll be sad later. You really DO SMILE and then you are sad and then YOU SMILE AGAIN. Maybe you'll have an angry fit over something stupid later. Maybe you'll realize you are still hoping for everything to be better soon.

PTSD is heavy as hell for me, it's behind everything I do and think, but I can count on my hand how many time I have actually lost hope (temporarily), my breakdowns, and it just bothers me to read not only on D.octor Who but basically any show in which a character isn't broody about their trauma 'they are hiding their pain behind a smile' like yeah, SOMETIMES, sure, but other times we just smile, we still find things worth living for. Obviously there are people with PTSD who don't, but it's not a prerequisite of having PTSD. PTSD is trauma your brain can't elaborate, sometimes complex, sometimes it's part of how you grew up, it's not being unable to feel any happiness. And I feel like if the Doctor, thousands of years old, actually felt the way fandom thinks PTSD works, he'd have simply chosen not to regenerate no matter how much his friends begged, his story is about hope, not total despair, he keeps having bad stuff happening and being upset because it's a tvshow, if the show had ended with 14 he would have had a shot at being fine, unlike the Doctor described by the fandom, it's just that the season has to continue and if 15 is perfectly fine there are no emotional plots.

I guess all I want to say it... it bothers me that every single show, but especially the ones meant for children, are dissected and instead of a more complex view of pain and trauma that still involves, you know, will to live and some hope, I always have to choose between staying away from the fandom (though sometimes it's just for their weird takes due to shipping) or being subjected to metas that take away any hope and would make me not want to look at the show, because if you convince me that there is only pain and it's just too much to get better, I do NOT want to see that, I have enough in real life, thank you.

#very ooc

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spiral-in-the-hole · 4 months ago

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Okay okay okay so I have like… *counts fingers* 5 creepypasta oc’s, and I wanna connect theyre stories but idfk know how. I think I’ll just make Zack, Spencer and Avery connected as one story and Sarah and Christopher and a separate connected story. Idk

Okay so Avery Winston is Spencer and Zack’s aunt, Avery kept her (now ex) husband’s last name even after divorce. She ain’t aware of what’s going on with Spencer and Zack tho, Spencer and Zack are identical twins, were sent into a religious camp thing bcuz like disorders and shit and shitty parents thinking someone no one has actual proof of existing will get rid of the disorder things. Spencer and Zack teamed tf up, burnt down the entire religious camp site thing and killed everyone in it, ran away to another forest and have somehow been living off of raw human meat, aka the kills that the proxies do. The first time the twins discovered the body in there, Zack was like “o shit this place isn’t safe, anyways should we check this guy’s body for valuables?” And Spencer was like “MF NO OUR FINGERPRINTS ARE IN THE SYSTEM REMEMBER??” They got theyre fingerprints scanned a few years back btw cuz they were a suspect for a murder caused by the proxies. And then Spencer panicked and hit Zack over the head with a rock and carried his ginger ass into the forest and then bro woke up.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. DO I CARE?? NO, ITS 1 AM AND IM BORED.

ANYWAY- SLENDERSICKNESS, AH YES. THAT. (WARNING!!!!! SU1C1DE AND HALLUCINATIONS MENTIONED!! IDK WHAT IS TRIGGERING SRRY.)

SO YOU CAN GET IT BY:

1. Seeing daddy long legs (slenderman)

2. Personally knowing someone that is dealing with his tall ass

AND THE SYMPTOMS ARE:

1. Auditory/visual hallucinations.

2. Coughing.

3. Coughing up weird black goo. Feelings like a mix of slime and sand.

4. Mood swings.

5. Black outs.

6. Becoming a sort of zombie slave when u die but only if Slenderman is close by, and this has a 3 outta 5 chance of happening.

7. Got the slender odor!! (Sigma radiation)

8. Headaches.

9. Su1c1de

THE SICKNESS PROGRESSES EITHER SLOWLY OR QUICKLY, IF YOU STRAIGHT UP SAW HIM(Slenderman) IT WOULD PROGRESS SLOWLY, IF YOU PERSONALLY KNOW SOMEONE THATS DEALING WITH HIS BULLSHIT THEN IT PROGRESSES QUICKLY.

Stage 1. Coughing, Headaches.

Stage 2. Coughing, Headaches, Moodswings.

Stage 3. Coughing, Headaches, Moodswings, SIGMA❗️❗️ radiation, auditory hallucinations.

Stage 4. Coughing, Moodswings, Radiation shit!!, visual hallucinations.

Stage 5. Coughing up the slender goo thing, Moodswings, Visual/Auditory hallucinations, Blackouts.

Stage 6. Blackouts, Visual/Auditory hallucinations.

Stage 7. Su1c1de.

Stage 8. Either you get turned into a proxy zombie slave thing or u just die idk man.

#silly little guy #random #creepypasta #creepypasta oc #oc #christopher kray #sarah willow #spencer jude taylor #zack taylor #avery winston #slenderman

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sincelastsession · 6 months ago

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I am triggered.

I don't want to discuss fucking personality disorders in regards to me.

I had my bullshit blanket diagnosis of bpd and it RUINED my life. Robyn fucking Belle, the CVNT that just tried to contact me and my fucking father all conspired together and pushed me into going to goddamn regions.

AND GUESS WHAT JOSHUA. THEY FUCKED ME UP SO BAD ON MEDS AND RIPPED ME OFF MY XANAX COLD TURKEY FOR 2 WEEKS AND GAVE ME MEDS I DID NOT NEED AND SHOWED A FUCKING TED TALK ABOUT CHILD ABUSE....YOU DON'T SHOW THAT IN A PSYCH WARD SETTING ESP WHEN THERE'S A LEGIT DID PATIENT AND OTHER REGRESSED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY THE CRIMINALLY INSANE. THE NURSES AND DOCTOR THAT COMPLETELY MISSED THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED HELP AND WAS SEIZING AND HAVING TROUBLE WALKING GOING INTO WAS A DYSTONIC REACTION THAT THE ER HAD TO DIAGNOSE

Fuck this.

Fuck.

DUDE THEY GAVE ME A MEDS I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE AS THEY WERE ON MY "DONT GIVE" LIST

They threatened to hold me down to give me that shit.

They broke my fucking brain.

All because a dumb bitch, my father. And another dumb bitch crossed my boundaries OVER AND OVER TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW DR TODD WAS EVIL AND I WAS ON TOO MANY MEDS.

I was FINE. I was HAVING MY STSRT IN JUNE YEARLY BREAKDOWN THAT LASTS TILL MY BIRTHDAY THING. I TRIED TO FUCKING TELL THEM.

This happens every year. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS SYMPTOMS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING BPD.

Yes Dr. Todd said "you may have a personality disorder but everyone does"

You do too.

We all do to some degree.

But DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT LABELS AND THEN TOSS A LABEL AT ME

Fuck

Like REALLY?

Yes. I wasn't mad earlier but now I am.

I am mad because I can see exactly what's going on here and the little track we're on that sooooo many therapists have seen and gotten WRONG.

I can't just have the clusterfuck of issues and talk about them. Oh wait they're imaginary and made up according to my family and now you my therapist.

Everyone wants to diagnose me. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

I am so SICK of this shit.

I would rather go out to the parking lot and have a screaming match than sit there and fucking fawn and mask.

Then there's no availability for an appointment.

Why take on a patient if you have no time to see them once a week?

Like you think I can't see you and I don't notice that you have your own issues you should work on before you make your cognitive distortions about me?

Because you're WRONG.

Everyone has been WRONG.

I have tried so fucking hard for over 25 goddamn years to be understood and still no one gets it.

And no I'm not stoned. I didn't smoke this evening.

Like I've been dissociative since I was a tiny child a toddler.

I used to put myself in autopilot and goddamn I wish I could harness that again but NO my issues just got worse because I'm apparently a target for SICK FUCKS

I literally don't think you even want me as a patient.

You're frustrated with me about something that I have 0 fucking control over my speech my speech my voice it's always fucking wrong everything about me is always so fucking wrong.

Mom and dad hate me my sister hates me And it shit I can't do anything about

The amount of resentment that my parents in my family in general hold for me is outrageous and I'm sorry that you didn't get to see the real version of my fucking family.

And yes I'm being a fucking bitch and yes I am reactive as hell. I'm aware I am so fucking aware as much as I can possibly be.

But no I do not see whatever else sees because they are only looking at surface level shit.

You know a long time ago pretty much any mental illness was considered schizophrenia

And they did studies and they've learned things about the brain and they're still doing that because the brain is a big mystery jello

I do not think diagnosis are bullshit

I mean dude yes they had to make them up because not everybody can be diagnosed as schizophrenic when they don't exhibit all of the symptoms of that

Why even have ADSM book and say that it's all made up and you don't like labels but you have the ability to diagnose people that doesn't make any fucking sense to me

And it's aggravating Joshua because I don't hate you at all I'm just pissed off. I don't understand why everybody has to pick at what's wrong with me.

I see a fucking psychiatrist. I saw one before him who was much better but unfortunately he is dead and I will never have him back.

I am screwed I am so fucked.

Because if we're going down the little path I think we're going down I'm going to exit.

Unfortunately all I can do is observe and find out if that's the pathway are going down and no I'm not going to elaborate because I need to find out for myself if this is a good fit.

And I don't think you know enough of me or about me.

I am more than happy to work on things and work on goals but you know some of the verbage you use towards me doesn't seem very fucking thought out it just seems like you're pulling things you learned in clinical studies and conferences and from past experiences of yours and you're trying to apply that to me like you're trying to apply it like a blanket

I don't fit under the blanket

That's what you need to understand

I am not like your other patients

I'm also very fucking triggered because you're reminding me of Robin. I'm not sure what it is exactly but it's triggering the shit out of me.

I don't like it. It's giving cope team at the ER.

I really don't think that there's anything wrong with me just completely having a fucking bitch festival on my fucking online journal.

You do understand that I'm still trying to trust you in general right?

That's one reason I am not ready to do the EMDR other than the fact that I need to move and do some other things first.

And yes I'm worried that you're going to read all of this and get pissed off and drop me as a client.

And that will basically fuck me over.

But you told me I could be mad and that you didn't care so here we are.

And you don't have a clue about my fucking mother and why I had that reaction.

She did that shit on purpose and you didn't see the smirk on her face. The classic narcissistic ass smirk that they get when they know that they are causing someone distress.

She loves to play tit-for-tat

Everybody in the fucking family can tell you about her bullshit because she has to be the victim in every scenario.

And honestly I'm still baffled about how my father acted like he never did anything wrong ever and acted like a normal human being and then you tell me it's safe for me to talk to him and he starts screaming at me in the fucking parking lot just completely switched his personality and flipped out at me and continues to do so and continues to beat me down and cut me down verbally every time I have a fucking phone call with him I feel like a goddamn burden because he wants to get off the phone and doesn't want to hear from me or talk to me or know anything about my life

So why in the fuck do these people say that they care but then they treat me like absolute goddamn garbage. Riddle me fucking that.

Because what happens is a cycle of using and a cycle of abusing.

And I'm not happy that I'm back in contact with everybody

I wish that I could just not talk to these people I wish I didn't care about them in order to do that

I do not fucking understand how people in general are so clueless and fucking rude and thoughtless and selfish And judgmental and they can't fucking practice what they preach. And when I tell them about themselves and I mirror them and they see themselves in me they don't fucking like it and they attack me

And I don't do it on purpose that's just something that happens when I talk to people sometimes

For instance somebody asked me a question the other day and they did not get the answer that they apparently wanted

So I got a full paragraph about how I'm a stupid fucking bitch.

I was only trying to be helpful.

So much for trying to be a good person because no good deed that I ever do goes fucking unpunished.

And no that's not a cognitive distortion I am fucking punished every single time I tried to do something nice for somebody or even myself.

And honestly if I could go back to my last EMDR therapist and continue to work with her or if I could go see the therapist that my friend in Lafayette sees I would but I can't afford that.

And maybe I'll calm down when we actually get to the EMDR

Because right now I'm really fucking tired of things being noticed about me as if I didn't fucking already know

I get irritated because I get bitched out about run on talking Or hyperverbal processing out loud

And I can't help that shit

If I could have helped that shit I would not be in fucking therapy anymore because I wouldn't be abused for that or maybe I would be in therapy because it would find something else wrong with me to fucking torture me about

It also sort of pisses me off that the things that I write down are just skimmed

And yes the journalist for me but you also have access to it so you can learn things from me and I don't think skimming is going to help you learn things from me as well as actually just you know reading what I have to say

But I'm a speed reader as well so I do understand to an extent but when you are a treating of impatient and they are writing very long things for you to read so you could understand them better because you have a very short time schedule block for them to talk to you in person it's really aggravating for the patient

And I'm sure it's really aggravating for you to have to read my very long journal or even trying to read it because yes it's unhinged

I'm doing this for my own well-being

I also don't understand why I see people who have worse problems than me get treated betterNot specifically by you but just in general I will be out in the general public and somebody will be like oh I have this sad bitch disorder and everybody's like oh no let's give you all the attention let's love on you let's just fucking suck your ass

And you know what it is you know what I figured out it fucking is it's always the skinny BPD girls that cut themselves and are covered with tattoos and have split dyed hair or whatever the fucking new trend is

It's people like my fucking sister

I mean honestly you do need to remember that I am autistic telling me that I'm not are saying that it might be something else is invalidating the fuck out of me

My psychiatrist and my PA absolutely know that I have autism.

I have gone undiagnosed my entire fucking life and Doctor Todd finally figured it out. And I got relief from knowing everybody was always on my ass bitching me out about why I was seeking that diagnosis because it makes all the sense in the goddamn world.

It does it mean that I don't have a personality disorder or some sort of disassociative disorder or I don't know just sad bitch disorder because I've been traumatized my whole life but I do have autism.

And I'm not ashamed of that's part of who I am and I don't appreciate when people come along and fucking invalidate me

I'm almost 38 years old and I was seeking answers and I'm still seeking answers because there are a lot of things going on with my health and they have always been going on with my health.

Why in the world would you fuss at me or bring up whatever the fuck you want to use term wise because apparently I can't ever use the right God damn words and people take things so God damn personally when I'm just trying to be direct and express myself

And it's hypocritical because everybody else fucking does this too whether they are neurodivergent or not.

And you know what it's so fucking funny to me that elystic people think that they don't have anything wrong with them and they don't have anything to work on and shit like that when it's just so obvious that they have so many complexes and so many little insecurities and issues and I can spot it a fucking mile away

Put fuck me for bringing up the past which I'm going to have to bring up an EMDR anyway

I'm not trying to live in my past I go over my past because there's important points to it which seem to be missed

I don't really know how to fucking communicate with therapists anymore.

The amount of trauma I have had from therapy and everything else medical in my life is insane

And I am mad and I do feel fucking threatened

And maybe I won't be mad tomorrow and maybe I'll get the fuck over it but right now I am pissed

I'm just tired of being seen as some sort of problem

Do you know what's that like I'm sure you do some extent

But have you been seen as a problem since you are diagnosed with health issues as a small child and you were no longer viewed as healthy baby

And your parents started to reset you right then and there and started the passive neglectful parenting and the helicopter bullshit which was pointless because why helicopters somebody and try to control every single thing they do and then abuse the fuck out of them and then ignore them and then be passive-aggressive towards them and then be dependent on them And use them and treat them like shit and then show up to my therapists office and fucking act like they're the most perfect wonderful parents on earth and then they do this little fucking song and dance every goddamn time and I warned you I told you they were gonna pull something but nobody listens to me

And nobody has to listen to me that's fine but you know if they took my advice they might be fucking better off

Ian you know what's driving me absolutely insane is because I know you from somewhere and I do not know where. It's not from therapy. It must be through someone I know because Baton Rouge is a small world. But yes it's driving me nuts I really wish I knew the connection.

It's also sort of uncomfortable because I'm sitting here going to the fuck does my therapist know that I know because I recognize them from outside of therapy and I don't know why

I still thank you should put a mirror up across from where you sit so you can see how you act when you talk to me like your body language and all that like you could look and notice you could get a shatterproof mirror that no one can hurt themselves with like those exist.

And yes Joshua yes I do self sabotage or at least that's what everybody tells me everybody loves to tell me what I'm doing but they don't actually know what I'm doing

Because people do not think to ask how I am feeling before they say things to me and make assumptions and other cognitive distortions about me

You know I never got to create me.

I was so grossly abused you have no fucking idea.

Because you don't know all of it I've only told you tiny tiny portion of it.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to talk about all of it and process all of it when we do EMDR and I don't know if that's going to even help but I'm willing to try

But I'm so fucking angry

I mean don't you realize what happens to children when their psychosocial stages are fucked up because people abuse them during those stages

Other than the fucking pedophilia people

I remember being in a high chair and having someone shove it over and landing on the ground and hitting my head as a fucking baby

My dad got caught hitting me while he was trying to force feed me food I did not want as a small child and I don't remember that but my grandmother saw it and I believe her even though she's not here with us today

I don't even breathe correctly

And I'm not being dramatic or making some sort of metaphor with that I literally don't breathe correctly because I breathe shallow because of all the trauma I have had since I was a tiny child

I breathe quietly because I don't want to piss someone off by taking deep breaths

Did you know that if I make a huff noise because I'm holding my breath unconsciously that my parents flip out at me

I mean have you ever ridden around as a teenager smoking blunts in the back of a shitty car while your best friend's baby daddy and his best friand are selling crack

How many times have you had a gun pointed at you

How many times have you sat there and watched your best friend shoot up drugs and know that you can't do a fucking thing about it other than sit there and keep watch and smoke a joint because you don't want her to die but you can't sit there having a fucking panic attack so you might as well get stoned and fucking watch turn and make sure she doesn't die

And then she went and fucking died

She's dead and I can never have a best friend again that will ever feel the same

And if you think that I don't see all the stupid things that I have said and all the things that you probably want to point out you're wrong

I know I'm fucked up. Why do you think I've stayed in therapy for so long other than pure pressure from my parents just constant even though they won't seek help for their unresolved behavioral issues

It's really not fair nothing in my life has been fucking fair

And I'm watching my father die slowly and it's heartbreaking because he's so fucking abusive but he was also at times a decent father

The amount of mixed fucking emotions I have about that is immense

And then learning about how my mother is just a compulsive fucking liar and has hidden so much from me

And then having a sister that thinks I'm some sort of dumbass who constantly lies to me about everythingAnd who is having a complete fucking breakdown

She needs to go on a 72 hour hold so badly and if I ever hear Her say I Want To die again I Am going to call ems in it's going to piss off the entire family but guess what I'm So Sick of hearing it do you Know how many times She said it

She's been saying she wanted to die since fucking middle school

I do not care if she's only saying it out loud as an intrusive thought

Because that's bullshit when you say that that many times you're asking for help

And her brain is so adult from all the things that she's been doing that are not good for her chemically

I can't even fucking have a conversation with her without her starting some sort of weird argument and escalating it and it making 0 sense and giving her a reason to throw a fucking tantrum and take her anger out on me

And then when people confront her about things that they're worried about she just blows it off and pretends that it doesn't exist like complete fucking denial and lying straight to your face and all of that and then she will lash out at you if you don't fall for it

I've never seen someone so fucking insecure

You know I had to have her go stand in front of a mirror and tell herself nice things the last time she had a huge mental breakdown and wanted to die because her ex-boyfriend was sleeping and she called his phone over a 100 times frantic till I had to take her phone away from her and hand it to my mom so she could hold on to it until my sister calmed down

But how in the world did this happen well she was dropped off over at my apartment because my father her father could not fucking deal with her

And I thought that she was going to come over and hanging out with me I didn't know she was having a fucking breakdown

And then her best friend that she fucking neglects who is a wonderful kid came over and it was the girl's birthday and the girl brought cake that her grandmother made and my sister was having such a freak out that she refused to eat she refused to eat she refused to spend any time with her friend and was just in the bathroom smoking weed in my apartment over and over and over and over and over again frantically and calling all of her other friends that she doesn't even talk to anymore because they got tired of her shit

And I would love to tell her that they're not friends with her anymore because they could not stand her behavior and she bitch and bitched and bitched about when she had falling out with them because they flat out told her the truth and she didn't want to hear It

The truth is she is insecure and angry and hurting and she won't let anybody help her open up and release her emotions and feel her feelings she just builds up and explodes or she instigates shit so she can explode

It's literally the classic cry for help and I can't do fuck about it

I fucking warned everyone I told them that this was going to happen but they didn't believe me

I'm not trying to control people when I tell them what's up

I have a knowing

I always have.

And people don't like to hear about that because they don't believe in things like that and they think I'm crazy and that's fine I don't care

But sometimes I just fucking know things

The amount of things that I have predicted is like fucking unprecedented and I'm talking about like within my family and groups of friends and just life in general of mine

And I don't need anybody to tell me that it's not real and it's a trauma response in all of that crap because yes it's totally possible just like me having a personalities disorder it's just so totally possible but you know what I don't want that on my fucking chart

Do not fucking put that on my chart

I will be happy to investigate it with you and work on it if I do have something going on because I said that therapy that I was curious to know about anything going on with me and I meant it

Am I happy about this subject fuck no it's a very source subject for very good reasons

I'm so fucking tired and I fucking hate it here

I just want to go somewhere for at least 2 fucking weeks and have a nice time and have 0 problems and get some goddamn rest

What's there's nowhere I can go and I can't fucking afford it

I don't even know if I can afford to put gas in my car to go figure out this fucking clusterfuck situation about why in the hell was my anxiety medicine not called in

I really really really do not want what to have to go to the fucking ER and get treated like I'm drug seeking because my Doctor won't fucking respond or talk to the pharmacy and refill my script

They never fucking refilled it from last visit I spoke to the pharmacist today he looked at the computer system

I thought did I was losing my fucking mind but no they are inept

So now I have another stupid thing to deal with and my psychiatrist is like paranoid that I'm going to have horrible problems using medical marijuana and taking my anxiety medicine that I've taken most of my life and I know more about than probably most doctors at this point

I mean Doctor Todd knew the man that developed the drug. He was very cool. He broke down all the information about that medication to me. He checked me every single month when I would go in to have an appointment

There was never an issue.

Now klonopin I can't have that. That makes me violent and an absolute monster. And I completely lose my memory when I take it which I don't anymore.

And value volume never did a fucking thing for me except make me have the opposite reaction and rage like I was on steroids and it was bad

I mean we have tried everything medically to get a hold on my anxiety and you know what we all go back to every single time after the Doctor tries to take me off the medication and put me on all these other things that they think are going to fix me

They put me right back on the xanax because you know why because it fucking works

It may not work super duper strong but I am on a lower dose than I should be on

And I decided that I'm not going to fight my psychiatrist about that I have told him that when I was on 4 mg a day to take as needed that I did just fine And I was a lot less stressed out and I didn't talk like I talk now

I mean did you ever think that I might just be a fucking nervous wreck with ADHD and autism and complex PTSD and OCD and those are just all combined causing me problems and I'm in 2 flare-ups of 2 of those conditions at the same time and I'm being abused and I have a fucking nightmare neighbor

No I don't really think it's the personality disorder right now

I mean I was told by an expert that I do not have your classic little personality disorder she told me and she was one of the head people at the PTSD facility 4 veterans up North She fucking told me that it was a trash diagnosis and I did not have that she told me that I had been misdiagnosed and I had complex PTSD from severe abuse

And then Doctor Todd confirmed that

Because I had never told him about any of the abuse and horrible things that happened to me because I was just going there and being treated for severe anxiety and panic disorder which I do have and it is hell I can't even fucking sleep unless I take my medicine

Even if I do take my medicine I still have problems sleeping

Imagine there's little dreams you have right before you fall on just deep sleep where your whole body jumps because it feels like you're falling right

Well imagine that happening over and over and over and over again and being awake for 4 days straight until you flip out and your mother has to take you to the fucking hospital so they can diagnose you with something and solve your problem and then your dad finally agrees to send you back to your psychiatrist and pay for the appointment that you can't afford because you're paying him money for living at your friend's house

You know it's not like I didn't give my dad rent money or money in general throughout my life

Everybody thinks that I'm just trying to be dependent on my parents for money or trying to use them for money and I really don't fucking care about money that much other than we need it to survive

They literally get paranoid that I have some sort of ulterior motive

I get treated like a supervillain

I get treated like fucking dog shit on someone shoe

So of course I'm reactive of course I'm reactive abusive yeah I probably have a million things wrong with me you're probably right about everything let's just make all the therapists right let's just diagnose me with everything how about that

You know the darkness is I do have I am not trying to make excuses when I say oh that's probably what's causing this issue

That doesn't mean that I don't think that the issue can be helped

No some of it I really do not see the end of the rainbow with that

But some of it yes I can see that it can be helped

And nobody seems to think about the possible neurological things going on that aren't the other diagnosis

Like I've said I never wento a narrow psych and got evaluated because I can't fucking find one that takes medicaid that will treat me like a fucking Human instead of some sort of oddity

My entire life I was paraded in front of doctors till I got older and put a stop to that because I had a rare disorder and everybody wanted to see it and learn about it and touch me and look at my skin and then they put me on fucking steroids which made me fat and screwed up my thyroid and screwed up my growth and fucking triggered other problems and I don't even have hands that are normal sized for my frame

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foolforjustice · 1 year ago

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I finally found the way to mute words and tags on tumblr and its beautiful.

I also deleted the twitter app last night due to too much triggering content.

I can scroll my tumblr feed and see *nothing* that triggers me. My filters are doing their job. I can finally use social media again without having to worry about getting triggered. Everything was muted this morning! I scrolled my feed when I woke up and I had no PTSD symptoms. It was amazing. I hope it stays like this.

I know that a subset of people think that muting triggering stuff means that I am The Actual Devil, Evil Incarnate, Everything Wrong With This World.

And you're probably right tbh. You're also probably the sort of person who would think my intrusive thoughts make me a bad person. I don't even disagree. But you should probably unfollow me, if you hate me or people like me that much.

Anyway, when I say I get triggered by something, I don't mean "I'm a little upset & uncomfortable and I don't wanna be! WAAAAH!" This seems to be what people who say that people like me are The Actual Devil think we mean when we say the word "triggered," so I want to clarify what that word actually means for me.

It means that my fight or flight mode becomes fully activated to the point where my body feels like my life is in danger, my intrusive thoughts get so bad that I can't focus on anything else, and it can take me hours to come down. This does not happen to me because I am a fragile little privileged snowflake who needs to be exposed to the world. It happens because I have severe PTSD, which I am in therapy for.

If this happens while I'm working, it means I'm basically fucked for the rest of the afternoon, unless I dissociate (which is something I'm actively trying to stop doing so much). If this happens before I'm about to sleep, I can't sleep for most of the night.

Guess when I often scrolled Twitter? On my work breaks, and when I was about to go to sleep. Because it used to be something free, fun, and relaxing to do, it was an easy way to engage with the fandom stuff that makes me happy, and my muted words used to do their job.

While it is true that I need to be able to work and sleep in order to live, the initial effects of the trigger are not the only effects. It can cause lasting problems for days, including nightmares, irritability, brain fog, exhaustion (because fight or flight mode is exhausting), and increased intrusive thoughts (which I can get even when I am not triggered & which can be disruptive to my well being). If I'm triggered multiple times, these symptoms compound on each other.

I also have a (fairly) new physical health issue, which I recently learned will require surgery. I actually need to not be in fight or flight mode right now, because stress can exacerbate the issue, and I need to have the spoons to prepare certain food because I have been placed on a specialized diet to manage the condition until I have the surgery, and I won't have the energy to do that unless I am not in fight or flight mode all the time.

If I don't do this, the best case scenario is that I will have a flare up, which is some of the worst physical pain I have ever experienced & which can last for hours. The worst case scenario is that the condition will progress to something more serious, and I will wind up in the hospital needing emergency surgery. "Emergency surgery" doesn't mean "awwww I have an Owwie and I need a surgery to feel better!" It means, "this condition is threatening my life."

(Also yes I recognize access to medical care is a privilege. It is one I have only had for 3 years but yes, it is a privilege, and without it I'd probably be dead or in prison, so I am very privileged to not be dead or in prison, unlike the many under-privileged people posting on social media from beyond the grave or from their maximum security prison.)

So, basically, I deleted the Twitter app for my own well being, which makes me The Actual Devil according to a subset of people. I am currently able to use Tumblr both because the triggering stuff isn't as prevalent here (though it's still very prevalent) and because the word filters actually work and the violence filter exists & mostly works and people write long form posts which are less likely to escape the filters because they're more likely to contain a filtered word.

If any of this changes, I'll delete Tumblr too, and the only social apps I will use will be AO3, Messenger, and possibly Tiktok if it continues to be safe. I will most likely stay away from these sites until the triggering content has dissipated or until I've gotten the surgery, if not longer.

But hey, if I do wind up in the hospital, at least you can guarantee I'll write more fanfic.

#ptsd #tw medical #tw surgery #tw

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srhhrtmn21222 · 1 year ago

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Step 2 - Insanity

Did I believe I could control my using? What were some of my experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful?

There's only been one time that I tried to stay clean by my will-power alone. All of the effort was flushed down the toilet when my ex and I received his inheritance. Over a course of 2-3 months, we spent THOUSANDS of dollars on meth and marijuana. (Although a small portion went towards a pop-up camper that we lived in during the middle of winter.) After realizing I would start using as soon as I was given a lump-sum of money, I knew my will-power alone would never keep me clean.

2. What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which I'm now ashamed? What were those situations like?

The biggest thing I am ashamed of doing was cheating on my (now) ex while he was incarcerated. The biggest slap in the face was that I was stupid enough to continue hanging out with his friends (with the guy I was cheating on him with, which happened to be his best friend at the time). Luckily, my instances of which I could have been in danger, I was with guys that I believe would try their best to keep me safe. Luckily, I never had to test that theory. Looking back, I'm also ashamed of the times I stole and lied to get the money I needed to continue using.

3. Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that those things interfered with my using?

The only time I left a relationship was because I knew in my heart that we were not good for each other. We tried staying sober together, and we relapsed together. Even while sober, I was not happy with him. It took physical abuse to finally make me realize I needed to get out. The only job I ever quit (while using) I contemplated for weeks (maybe even months) before I finally did it. I did, however, get fired from a job and responded in the not best way. I walked out the door with both middle fingers held high in the air.

4. Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction?

Thankfully, I held onto my desire to do right by others. I never intentionally harmed anyone, and for those I unintentionally harmed, I am truly remorseful. I did tend to cut myself (on my thighs) when my depression got out of hand while using.

5. How have I overreacted or underreacted to things?

I used to tend to overreact to anyone asking me if I was using. I would deny that I was, and get extremely pissed if someone pointed out the obvious signs that I was. Most situations I overreacted to. I honestly can't remember a situation that I underreacted to.

6. How has my life been out of balance?

I struggled a lot with my mental health, and spending money. I still struggle, but it's not nearly as bad as it was while I was using.

7. In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else?

Drugs never made me feel like they would make me whole, or even solve my problems. It made me forget about the things in life. I didn't see my problems as actual problems. I did, however, THINK that drugs made me feel whole. But looking back now, I can see I was more empty than I have ever been.

8. Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs of some other manifestation) is my only problem?

Originally, yes. Now that I've had some sobriety time, I can see that there's other issues that I need to address.

9. When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?

For me, I never really stopped beforehand to think. I simply acted. My biggest trigger was an abundance of emotions that I didn't know how to deal with.

#NA #RecoveringAddict #NAWorkbook

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k9emote · 7 days ago

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"Commonly" Is something said all the time with medical claims due to the fact that the brain really is a mystery, and there are always exceptions. (Very very far and few between. Not thousands upon thousands.) It is also commonly said so that doctors can stay out of trouble if they claim something to be 100% and then by some way they are proven wrong. They want to stay away from being offensive to avoid repercussions. It's seen in a lot of disorder or symptom explanations, even when exceptions aren't prevalent at all.

It is simply the way that the symptom works. Endos have never presented me with a medical reason their mind could split into two just because they wanted it to (as most endos claim.) Or during adulthood when their identity has already formed. It is possible however to not be aware of your system until you are an adult, but that would mean it formed by trauma as a child.

The human brain develops an ego/identity between ages 5-8(ish). If there is intense or repeated trauma occurring, the brain may divide and dissociate to protect the child's mind from complete destruction. There are MRI charts backing this up. See them here

Literal physical evidence of the system reacting inside of the brain, caused by trauma.

Yes, there are religious beliefs that involve pluralism; and that is not my right to speak about it, but if you are apart of the many endos who has watered down "tulpa" to separation from religion entirely, you don't get to speak on it either. It is not my right to decide if religious pluralism is valid or not, but I will say that it is not at all comparable to the OSDID system's functioning that endos mimic.

There are always exceptions. However; that does not mean that anyone has the right to fake a symptom related to a disorder and claim it is seperate.

Let's use this as an example. (My tone is not meant to be patronizing, I just communicate my thoughts better in metaphors.)

June has PTSD, and experiences horrible flashbacks daily. Molly sees this, and decides it would get her attention or would be fun to copy. Molly says you can have flashbacks without any trauma at all. While this COULD be possible in very FEW cases, it's definitely way too unlikely for many to experience it. Molly chooses to say she has flashbacks just because she wants to. This makes June upset, but then everyone starts doing what Molly does. Some say they have flashbacks because of trauma they made up. Some say they have all the symptoms of PTSD, but don't have PTSD at all. June becomes angry because her life and disorder has been watered down so much, that other kids with PTSD are also believing what Molly says, and get hurt or misled in the process. June is called the bad guy.

Endos describe to have systems in the way those with OSDID have it. They claim to have alters with roles, switches (caused by dissociation. A coping mechanism formed due to trauma.), triggers and more. They are directly copying every symptom of DID while claiming not to have it. Alters form to protect. Switches are caused by dissociation and amnesia. The amount of dissociation needed to form separate identities is intense, and cannot be willed upon you just because you want it to. They have invaded our spaces and terms, and have used medical phrases out of context to defend themselves.

Dissociation in itself is a coping mechanism. It is not something that happens just because. If you claim to be a system, that means you experience dissociation and amnesia between alters, which can only be caused by trauma. There is no loophole out of this. It does not happen easily.

If you truly believe you are a system comparable to OSDID with no trauma, you are in a delusion or your mind has hidden your trauma from you.

Delusions happen. Trauma Amnesia happens. I am not saying every Endo is evil. I would have no problem with them if they were not such an invasive, abusive, and misinformed community.

Even if they aren't trying to mock or harm us, they are. Purposefully staying uneducated doesn't make it okay. You have obviously shown that you as well as a claimed endo system cannot respect simple boundaries, seeing as you have interacted despite me saying many times that I want nothing to do with any of you. Endos seek out blogs like mine to belittle and berate. I will be blocking you now as I'm not here to argue. I know what I'm talking about, as I've given my all to be completely educated, and I firmly believe you will either cherry pick and ignore my points, or attempt to prove me wrong with things that do not apply. That is what all of you do.

This about endo supporters.

#anti endo #endos dni #actually did #actually system #k9rambles #last endo interaction

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sixeyesgojo · 4 years ago

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jjk characters handling your period

Summary: “What do you mean, no baby this month either? Okay, suffer then.” - your damn uterus

Pairings: Gojo/Megumi/Nanami/Naoya/Toji x Reader

Content warning: the monthly bloody nightmare your uterus puts you through and the whole shebang that comes with it, language warning, suggestive themes, explicit warning for Toji (you’ll see why)

A/N: purely self-indulgent because I suffer. @megumifushi and @sukirichi , my gals, I gotcha. Also dedicated to all readers who suffer from the same fate (may it be right now or not). Also: Yes, absolutely open the video I linked in Megumi’s part (it’s safe, I promise).

Gojo Satoru

You turn and turn in bed uncomfortably. Something isn’t right, you think and it’s not the fact that Satoru is missing next to you. Not knowing immediately irritates you. All of a sudden you become painfully aware of your lower region. Yes, of course it had to be that time of the month. You just knew you already stained your panties and perhaps the sheets haven’t been spared either. Getting out of bed, then realizing it was already past noon, you sprinted to the bathroom. Fuck, moving fast was not a good idea.

Having changed the sheets and your stained panties, you made your way to the kitchen. Your stomach growled, signaling you were hungry, but at the same time you feared. Smelling food, let alone tasting too much of it, was a slippery slope – either your nose would protest or your stomach, no in-between. Regardless, you had to eat; or were you supposed to starve to death because of this? Not in this lifetime. “I AM BACK!” an annoyingly loud voice rang through the apartment. You groan and turn around. “Fuck off, Satoru,” you say. Your irritation flaring up for seemingly no reason. “Stop being so motherfucking loud. My head feels like it’s going to split in two and my pussy is fighting the crimson war right now,” you snarled at him.

“Oh honey, seems like I called the right shots then,” he declared proudly and held up a bag filled with... snacks? “I already called in sick for you for the next few days,” Satoru continued to explain as he wrapped his arms around you, “and I’ll be by your side 24/7 for the next two days. We’ll do fun stuff. How does movie night with lots of cuddling for tonight sound?”

“Why are you so nice to me right now?” you mumbled, tears welling up in your eyes. “Simple: I don’t want to be castrated by you,” he whispered back and planted a kiss on your cheek. “Fair enough. What will we do tomorrow?” He stayed silent but pulled out a black card out of his sleeve. You gasped.

Fushiguro Megumi

Ping. A notification. Quickly, you scrambled to get your phone to see what that was about. You desperately needed some distraction right now. The pain was too much. Your boyfriend Megumi had gone somewhere you didn’t know. All you knew was that your boobs were sore, the sensitive nipples rubbing against the fabric were already too much. In addition to that, you also experienced period cramps, resulting in back pain as well. Life was not easy at the moment but at least you could lay in bed for today, doing absolutely nothing.

Unlocking your phone, you saw a new message from Yuji: “omg look at this???” [Video link] It was a video of 42 seconds. There was a cute seal – probably the cutest and fluffiest seal you have ever seen – and background music. It may have only lasted 42 seconds but it definitely triggered some happy feelings inside you; it was so pure and you loved the energy of the clip. Perhaps these feelings were a bit too intense and overwhelming. Tears streamed down your face and you started sobbing uncontrollably. Why were you like this? It wasn’t even a sad video, was it?

You buried your face in the blankets, weeping as if someone just broke up with you. Through your loud crying, you did not notice the door opening. A jangling noise could be heard from your nightstand. Instantly, you shot up to check for intruders but luckily, it was Megumi. A frown spread on his face. “What happened?” he asked as his thumbs wiped your tears from your cheeks. You showed him the video, still sobbing, “Look at the seal... It’s so c-cute. I just... got emotional because it really t-traveled the world. This cutie deserves the whole world...”

“And so do you,” he bluntly stated, “now take the ibuprofen I brought you for the cramps and rest up.” As a matter of fact, he not only brought you painkillers but a hot water bottle and food as well.

Nanami Kento

“No, give me that. Lay down and rest. I can dust off the shelves on my own,” his deep voice commanded. If there was a man that screamed “male wife” it was definitely Nanami Kento, particularly when it came to you being on your period. You weren’t allowed to do anything in the house, except for very light chores. With good reason. “Kento, I can do–” Yeah, no, it wasn’t possible and Kento knew it too well.

You weren’t lucky when it came to period symptoms. Besides excruciating back pain, extremely sore breasts and headaches, you also had the luck to suffer from dizziness every single time you experienced the monthly nuisance. The first time you even passed out. In fact, it had happened several times. And that was precisely how Kento decided to not let you do anything. Still, you felt bad to leave everything to Kento. His work already demanded so much from him and here you were, being babied and even spoon-fed. You didn’t even have to cook your own meals or wash and iron laundry.

You had barely said those words when the unwelcome whirling sensation took you over again. Your feet wobbled, you were in danger of crashing to the ground. In a flash, Kento was by your side to steady you. “I told you not to overdo it.” He cupped your cheek with his warm hand. “Sorry, Kento. I’ll... just rest for a minute.”

Zenin Naoya

Period pain? Laughable. Naoya thought it was pathetic. A woman – these already weak creatures – having period symptoms was a mystery to him. What could possibly hurt about bleeding a little? He couldn’t understand. Your pitiable and sorry state was only another inconvenience to him. Not that you hindered him in any way – you were obedient enough to be quiet and complain as little as possible – but he absolutely despised seeing that annoying expression of pain on your face every time he had to look at it.

Hell, he didn’t even want to engage in sexual activities with you during that time, even though he had randomly picked up somewhere that it might help. Not that he wanted to help you, it was your problem and yours only, not his. “Stop looking at me with those eyes. It’s disgusting,” he remarked condescendingly as he got dressed for wherever he had to go. “When will you be back?” you croaked out but he totally ignored you.

“Women are so damn weak. It’s so fucking pathetic, I almost want to give you a hug,” Naoya gagged. He was about to leave the room but stopped in his tracks. Looking over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of your face that was contorted with pain. In long strides, he made it to one of the cabinets, fished out a tiny box and threw it on the bed. “Tsk, you better get well soon so you can serve me again, dumb bitch.”

Fushiguro Toji (soft)

Work hadn’t been treating him kindly: not yesterday, not today, not ever. Although he was highly capable and never failed to exceed himself, all Toji truly wanted to do was to go home. When he finally made it through the door, he called out, “Am home.” Usually, you would come running to greet him but when nothing but silence greeted him, his hand instantly moved to the cursed creature lingering on his shoulder. It was suspicious. Did enemies manage to find this hideout? Where were you? His hands started sweating.

Stealthily, he approached the kitchen. To his surprise, he saw your form in front of the counter, hunched over in pain. Dropping his offensive stance immediately, he quickly strode over to check on you. “Hey, what are you doing there?” he asked, hesitatingly putting a hand on your shoulder. You looked at him, grimacing with pain, “Oh, Toji. I didn’t realize you were home yet. Sorry, I’m not done cooking dinner yet, I just feel so nauseous, exhausted and my entire back and shoulders hurt so much. It’s so sore.” “I see.” He nodded, understanding what was happening. Suddenly, he lifted you effortlessly. You squealed, “Toji!! What are you doing?!” “Taking care of you,” he promised. “But dinner!” “Don’t care.”

Making his way to the bedroom, Toji laid down with you on top of him. Something about his warmth already made you feel better but as his large palms rubbed your back in circular motions, you felt as if you were in heaven. Toji’s ministrations soothed the pain so well, you almost let out a moan. Now that the pain didn’t overshadow all the other symptoms anymore, the drowsiness took over. “Toji, ‘m tired,” you mumbled; eyelids fluttering already. “Then sleep. I’ll take care of dinner later,” he whispered. You only hummed in response, already far too gone. Slowly but surely, his steady heartbeat lulled you to sleep. “Sleep tight.”

Taglist: @megumifushi @gojos-mochi @assbuttbaek @bleueluna

#gojo x reader #megumi x reader #nanami x reader #naoya x reader #toji x reader #gojo satoru #fushiguro megumi #nanami kento #zenin naoya #fushiguro toji #toji fushiguro #jujutsu kaisen naoya #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #tw: period talk #tw: periods #tw: menstruation

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dissociationawareness · 3 years ago

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Ya know... over time... ummm... Idk how to put this cus it's gonna hurt someone's feelings.

I used to identify as endo. In my teens when I started to realize I was multiple and I started trying to communicate with them... when it still wasn't apparent to therapists and I was labeled bipolar with schizo-affective or outright schizophrenic. Back in those days, I genuinely believed I was psychotic. Things were weird. I had a lot of hallucinations, I had a lot of switching.

I was still a kid. I didn't want to believe I had childhood trauma even though I knew the kids had memories that I didn't, even though for a time I believed they weren't in there... I believed they died... I believed a lot of things, a lot of things that weren't true. I held on, tooth and nail, to the idea that we were multiple because we were just meant to be that way. The voices in my head during this really spectacular thing I went through told me so, after all.

Shit came out in my teens, and my mother eluded to the place where it happened. I still denied it. We're multiple because we always were.

In my adulthood, through a fair amount of research, I learned a lot about DID and multiplicity. I'd already been to inpatient three times, on countless meds, diagnosed with just about everything except DID. I had spoken to some therapists about it, only one ever made me feel like she believed me (my therapist in highschool).

In my mid 20s, sometime after being formally diagnosed with DID (and learning how... not great that actually is in terms of accessing mental health services), I spoke with my aunt about what my mother had told me in my teens, and she revealed the thing I didn't want to accept: I am a survivor of CSA at a very early age, my parents knew and did nothing because they didn't know what to do about it. I had a bit of a mental breakdown after that, and I think that's really when I accepted that we were what others would call "trauma-caused" or "traumagenic"... and furthermore that even my hallucinations, which I'd had since childhood, were largely a part of PTSD which had been triggered by an assault at 13, bringing a lot of my dissociative symptoms to the surface and starting the journey to communicating and vague attempts at healing that were mostly aimed at trauma that occurred in my teens.

I fell upon Paul F. Dell's work on Structural Dissociation and something clicked. I had identified that I was always multiple because I didn't ever remember not having them... I just didn't always understand what they were, so for much of my childhood (and teens), I explained them through what language I had --- as ghosts or something supernatural. I was haunted, afterall, by my own skeleton.

It made sense, and still does, that yes, I always was multiple, and that's why the endo label appealed to me and why I secretly held onto it beyond accepting my early trauma. The reality is that the trauma didn't make us, the trauma didn't allow us to develop normally. The further reality is that the early abuse was only a piece of that - that other instances of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at the hands of both adults and my peers played a role. Being neurodivergent and trans played a role. Being queer but devoutly Christian played a role. The fire that burned my childhood home to charcoal played a role. My parents fighting and separating played a role.

And here's my point. Trauma is a wide and deep category. Maybe had things been different, if I'd had a home life where my parents were more supportive, had I been taught to cope, had I been able to talk about what I was going through and actually process it, maybe I wouldn't be multiple. Trauma is a lot of different things but it's the surface of what's really going on in a child who becomes a teen and eventually an adult with DID.

I never coped with any of the things I went through as a kid. I never processed them in any substantial way. I never healed. My brain was too full of PTSD for it to be able to do the things everyone else's brains did: unify the sense of self.

In this respect, we're all multiple as children. Being a parent, I see this everyday in my 4yo, who has two others: D & Monster. This is developmentally NORMAL for his age. It IS NOT at my age, 34yo. He is what is literally an endogenic multiple. I am not anymore. And I am not because I passed the threshold (7-10) without reaching that milestone because of PTSD, which universe willing, he will unify when he's old enough.

So here's what I'm getting to.

You can identify as Endo, and I'm cool with that. I can accept that you feel this way because I felt this way once too. I will happily accept you into spaces I inhabit that are intended for multiples. If you're multiple, you belong here.

I do have a problem with blogs promoting this like it's this... ugh... how do I say this without upsetting you? I think it encourages people to avoid processing and healing. I think it encourages people to avoid their feelings and ignore that shit in their childhood effected them. I think it encourages denial and a misunderstanding of what DID and OSDD are. I think it's harmful to everyone.

To have DID, to really be multiple past the threshold... you have childhood trauma - major and repeated stressors that you were unable to process and cope with. It's the only way this developmental milestone doesn't happen.

That doesn't mean you were physically or sexually abused. It really doesn't. Neglect is trauma. Bullying is trauma. Moving a lot is trauma. Being an outcast is trauma. Struggling with symptoms of neurodivergence or mental illness as a kid with no idea why it's happening or why people react to it how they do, or having sensory issues that no one accepts or helps you navigate (etc) is trauma. Being in a car accident is trauma. Death of a family member is trauma. Being constantly ignored is trauma. Not having enough food is trauma. Parents separating is trauma. Major illness is trauma.

There are so many fucking things that are trauma. It does not matter that you don't think it was ever "bad enough" to cause DID. Clearly it was. All it has to be is a thing child you felt couldn't be addressed, that child you couldn't cope with... so you buried it and it took up so much of your brain, that you were unable to unify (or at least completely).

You have trauma. Maybe it's not the shit movies were made of. Maybe it's not the kind of trauma that other people will readily express sadness or anger about, but it's still real and it still effected you.

No matter how you want to address your multiplicity, or how you desire to identify... you owe it to the kid you once were to tell them it's ok to feel however they did about whatever it was, and it's ok to talk about it and express those feelings.

I want you all to understand that this is a piece of healing you all need to look into - not because you need to magically unify as an adult (frankly, I think that's entirely misunderstood too), but because clearly SOMETHING effected you to make you who you are today, in all your multitudes, and you owe it to your future self to accept that you, like every person on this planet, has experienced trauma. You owe it to yourself to learn to accept that even if other people don't understand, your emotions exist for a reason and it's good and right to accept them and find outlets, which child you was unable to do.

And this goes ditto for anti-endos... or whatever the term for that is. And furthermore that those who identify as trauma-caused (etc) need to at least attempt to accept that plenty of folks who identify as endo... have DID/OSDD just like you. You can feel however you want about their identity, but the gatekeeping is toxic and it's harming the community, including survivors.

Hopefully the nuance isn't lost on... anyone.

If you need clarification on something, feel free to ask.

#dissociation #actuallydissociative #hey yeah I know we haven't posted here in a long time #but I am posting this here in hopes that you'll put some stock in this #I would like to note that when we made this blog was a different time in our lives and I still largely stand by #what we posted forever the fuck ago about structural dissociation #I would also like to say that as we've gotten older... a lot of the things we feel different about... though mostly juxtaposed #we've been thinking about coming back... and we mostly stopped because frankly moding a blog #that ends up getting a bunch of interaction is... it's a lot when we're constantly still trying to stitch our brain together #a lot has changed guise #DID #actuallyDID #OSDD-1 #being a parent is wild and seeing structural dissociation in action in a phase of life where it's developmentally normal is so interesting #hubby calls them 'imaginary friends' and I just kinda snicker #sometimes I worry but that's because I too am still unpacking the idea that we're always supposed to be one #but we're not... we're just not always supposed to be many because others are supposed to become facets of our personality #and I'll be very interested to see how unification happens when he gets to that age #in the meantime I just gotta put a lot of effort into supporting him and I guess hope that nothing major comes along that gums up the works #i guess??? being a parent is complicated 😅

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