#(just praying they allow photography)

[waugh-bao]

*

[neofelis----nebulosa]

Somehow managed to get good hummingbird photos today so that’s a win

[no-idea-where-i-am-lost]

NAHHH I DON'T WANNA GO HOMEEEEEE TvT

Basically I have been travelling since Tuesday, and today is finally the day I'm returning back to Mumbai. So, me and my family had come for a short trip to Delhi and one day to Agra, and it was so mesmerizing!! My mom was so elated when she could finally catch a glimpse of her childhood place, i.e, East of Kailash in Delhi! :D

These days were so fun, istg. I went inside Qutb Minar (and yeah, ofc Chand Sifarish was going on in my mind), Red Fort (Diwan-i-aam had the place where the Emperor sat and addressed his people, yk, an elevated area like we can see in the movie Jodhaa Akbar, his aasan was kept down so that we could have a glimpse of it, it was made out of marble. Entry wasn't allowed inside Diwan-i-khaas, but the intricate designs and carvings of marble there would just keep anyone wondering how the people of that time had such amazing skills when technology wasn't available, and yes, the most amazing part is, EVERYTHING WAS FREAKING HAND-MADE!!!!), Lotus temple (it's beautiful from the outside, but there wasn't really anything to explore inside since it's just a huge prayer room where people came to meditate and pray). We caught glimpses of the India Gate, Rajpath, Rashtrapati Bhawan, Supreme Court, and ofc, a posche area like Connaught Place couldn't be missed!! We explored well-known market places like Karol Bagh, Lajpat Nagar and Sarojini Market.

Now coming to Agra. Our travelling time from Delhi to Agra was around 3.5 hours as we travelled through the expressway. Visited the grand Taj Mahal that day itself, and that sight took over my heart! It looks even more beautiful in reality than it does in pictures! Got to know a lot about the place, the designs which were made of gemstones, visited Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal's tombs inside (photography inside wasn't allowed), and so much more which I can't really explain in detail via this post. The next day, we went to Agra Fort, which covered about 3 km in area (yes it's that huge). Only 25% of the Fort is open for public, the rest of 75% has been occupied by the Indian Army, but just the 25% of the Fort really told us about the history of the Mughals. Mehtaab Bagh, where Shah Jahan wanted to build a black Taj Mahal for him, was visible from the Agra Fort. Building Taj Mahal required 60% of their wealth, and the leftover could not have been used to build another Taj Mahal, hence it could not be completed, and today, we can only see the platform which could be built only.

Fact - their security measures were insane. The front side of the Fort had huge gorges where crocodiles and Gharials were kept. There was also a small area of dense trees having wild animals ahead the gorge. So that means, any intruder who came inside would be instantly killed by these animals. Wild! These animals were kept hungry the whole night and given food in the morning intentionally so that they remain vigilant, hungry and ferocious the whole night in case anyone tries to enter and attack.

Yep, the days went like this!!

😄😄😁😁

[landhoe-norris]

here are all twelve fics and one art that the wonderful participants of the winter break fic exchange in the carlando server made and posted.

i want to thank @boohowdy and @ruffboisebvettel for helping me with the planning and execution of this, for the cheerleading and for always being available for anyone who had any questions.

huge thanks to everyone who participated. thank you for putting your hearts and souls into your work; thank you for always being there for each other, and thank you for allowing us to share in your multitude of talents and creativity. you are all amazing people, and the carlando server is lucky to have you all.

*

watch this space, I'm open to falling from grace by tiredtiredsharl (@wolfiemcwolferson)

Summary: Lando is used to not seeing the people who live in the building. He comes and goes at odd hours and he uses the laundry room on his days off in the middle of the day and he checks his mail at 3:30 in the morning, so it’s more weird to him that he runs into Carlos twice in a five day period. He had started to think that he maybe made it up - got dosed at the bar or had a vivid dream about a man who was every single fantasy he’s ever had - tall and broad and hair and hands and lips.

Someone new moves into 4B and nothing is as it seems.

*

are you a future or a fairytale – am i naive or is this real by Missha (Mishtique) (@mish-tique)

Summary: It takes Lando a few semesters before he finally settles for studying photography at an international university. He hopes that this is the time when he finally settles and turns out to be happy studying – his parents just pray that he won’t change his mind again. They want him to settle down, find a nice person and become stable.

He just wants to be happy and live his own life without having people trying to micromanage it.

His sudden decision to also rent a room on campus comes with a surprise in the form of a Spanish, older, and-blessed-with-visuals-shaped-by-the-gods Alpha.

Carlos Sainz Jr is both the best and the worst thing that could happen to him during his first year in uni. Especially when the alpha keeps walking in on him wearing his, his – pretty clothes.

Or: 5 times Carlos catches Lando with something special + 1 time Lando wears something special for Carlos.

*

i love you forever, not maybe (you’re my one true love) by csjr (@boohowdy)

Summary: Lando is starting to suspect that off-camera, he’s quite the soft and gentle guy. What did he say once in an interview? He protects love? I’d love to be protected, Lando thinks.

or: the one where Lando is a student, Carlos is a F1 driver, and they go through a lot before they get their happy ending

*

Twin Flame by Phebes (@phebess)

Summary: 98% of people know exactly when they've met their soulmate. 2% do not.

or: the soulmate slow burn that nobody asked for

*

All The World Wondered 🔒 by biscuitydenim

Summary: Crimean War AU

*

Pull Everything to Pieces by kolyarostov (@landinrris)

Summary: Daniel’s here because he left classified documents on a train for someone to find (and find them they did). Max is here because he was in charge of tailing a suspect who was dealing illegal firearms and lost track of them (and thus the guns that were eventually found at the scenes of various crimes). Pierre’s here because he royally fucked up a diplomatic meeting with the French ambassador (Carlos thinks it was probably accidental nudes). Carlos is pretty sure Nico’s here because no one actually likes him. What he doesn’t truly know is why Lando’s here— but it can’t be good.

Or: Carlos gets sent to the bottom of the MI5 ladder after a training fiasco, and he'll do anything to make up for it.

*

That’s what happens in the movies, anyways 🔒 by Belzebubcat (@waddlingpenguin)

Summary: Lando isn’t sure what he expects. Maybe he thought Carlos would kiss him or- or say it back. That’s what happens in the movies, anyways. He leans in, eyes on Carlos and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Carlos doesn't respond.

There are no fireworks.

No string quartet playing in the background.

It’s nothing like what happens in the movies.

*

Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer (With You) 🔒 by Toasted_Teacake (@the-toasted-teacake)

Summary: Carlos invites Lando to spend a few days at the Sainz villa under the guise of golf. Lando thinks he might finally be ready to fall.

*

it's the heart that really matters in the end 🔒 by LucysFault (@ruffboisebvettel)

Summary: So here Lando is, completing one step of the journey alongside his son, and a family somewhere out there are on the same path but just starting out. It’s like Candyland in his mind. They’re moving over the finish line while the other family have just had their piece placed on the board.

Or, Lando and Carlos meet in a hospital cafe, Daniel and Charles are their kids, and some springs are worth waiting for.

*

Impractical Magic by goldenboygate (@goldenboygate)

Summary: Charles and Lando were born into a family where falling in love means you end up dead. They take different paths in life, Charles wanting nothing more in life than to feel the exhilaration love brings, and Lando too afraid to ever put himself out there.

When Charles gets into trouble with one of his boyfriends, Lando must figure out how to help him while trying his best not to fall in love with the one man who can take his life apart, Detective Carlos Sainz.

*

Take My Breath Away by kabutocat (@foo1ishheart554)

Summary: Art. Lando and Carlos as Maverick and Iceman from the original Top Gun.

*

take my sweater with the loose threads by sadcornyfuck (@enjoythebutterflies)

Summary: Carlos is a patient man, waiting his entire life for a moment like this.

*

Te amo - I love you 🔒 by NamarieCarlando (@jolandax13)

Summary: Carlos and Lando are roommates. And in love. They just don’t know the other feels the same. But when Landos suppressants run out and he goes into heat, their feelings are finally revealed.

[waitmyturtles]

I've been trying to hold on as much as possible during today's busy work schedule and managing this HELLA cold I have, but I can't help but YELP a few words about the Cherry Magic Thailand trailer that released earlier today!

(If you're a longtime reader of this space, you will know that, besides being a Bad Buddy girlie, I am VERY MUCH A CHERRY MAGIC GIRLIE, here, go read some stuff I wrote!)

As opposed to my wibbles about GMMTV's Kieta Hatsukoi/My Love Mix-Up adaptation -- I am onboard with TayNew as KaranAchi/KurosawaAdachi. I think, I think?! -- that they can level up to the camp that Machida Keita and Akaso Eiji delivered in the Japanese version.

Will it be fair to compare?! This is going to become an ongoing question as GMMTV adapts more material from Japan. For myself: I don't think I can help but to compare these properties to their original Japanese versions. I admit that I have nostalgia, and I'll do my best to be critically objective to the show itself -- while remaining aware of where the material comes from. (I didn't watch Enchanté, but I know of its reputation, and I will admit that I have some jibbles about Film Pawis being an AD on CMT.)

But all that being said: I still have not seen GeminiFourth in My School President yet. And I have spent a LOT of time with TayNew as I watched Dark Blue Kiss, and their preceding Kiss/Kiss Me Again/Our Skyy x Kiss work for my Old GMMTV Challenge project. I saw how they improved drastically with a different kind of script in DBK, and I think, and have hope, that they can rise to the challenge of adapting a beloved work in Cherry Magic. And: New did show off comedic chops in The Warp Effect.

I loved their yelpy inner monologues in the trailer. And I happen to really appreciate that the show actually has a couple of Japanese elements! I did a head-turn when I heard "san juu" at the start of the trailer, HA, and I love that the guys are shown in a sento:

So I feel like there's something interesting going on here, more than just a straight-from-the-page adaptation. If there's some cultural experimentation and mixing between Thailand and Japan? I'll be all over it.

AND: Yu Toyota, the mangaka behind the original Cherry Magic manga, is fully onboard with the adaptation.

(It's so cute how TayNew rendered in photography what Yu Toyota drew to make the original announcement of the show last year 😭)

ANYWAY! Again, I'm just yelping in the cuteness. I hope the show's good! I PRAY THE SHOW WILL BE GOOD. My nostalgia for the original Cherry Magic, which I watched right around this time last year as I was beginning my journey into more Asian BLs, will live on with me for a long time. I like that GMMTV put its vets into this experiment. For their sake, and for the girlies, I hope it works. (And I'm not watching Cooking Crush, to allow me room to fit this into a busy December of shows. The payoff better be worth it!)

[jenyifer]

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul— ah fuck I’m thinking about Daddy Dan and not in a sexy way. Allow me to be unhinged about this. First short rant about HR. Second my absolute off the rails theory about this man. Is he really a goodie two shoes about Boston? Has Daddy Dan been stalking our stalker?

It is wild to me Dan is making Nick work these crazy hours in what appears to be an open office. NO ONE ELSE SAID SHIT ABOUT WORKING THE INTERN LIKE THIS? How legit is this company? Dan coming to Nick’s work unannounced I’m assuming since Nick’s dad is there to pressure him into working more. Seriously? Dan is the fucking worst I don’t care if you think he’s sweet no excuse to treat your intern this way. Nick isn’t completely blind to this though. He responds with “you’ve allowed me to fulfill my dream” ALSO DONT FUCK SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SITTING IN AN OFFICE CHAIR ALL DAY ON A TABLE NICK NEEDS A MASSAGE AND THERAPY.

Okay moving on… let’s… go… unhinged… has dan been stalking Nick? Call back to episode 3 there is a user named Studd_Star that I think is Dan. Maybe he follows nick cause he was his friend or more likely Dan used his own computer sleuthing skills to follow nick and he uses a false name and icon to be anonymous online because that’s what we techie peeps do. The posts are oddly… pointed.

Now we know dan has liked nick for awhile. We also know Dan was Nick’s senior at uni. So 3 to 4 year age gap. Is it possible Dan knows about the Notorious Boston from either stalking Nick or in Nick’s second year he took a photography elective. Dan is in animation so arts adjacent. He could have been in that class as well and saw Boston being his slutty self. Dan is creepily possessive over Nick and it is possible Dan saw Boston got confirmation of who he is here and after that increased nicks work load even more to keep him under his thumb. Powerless.

I also really feel icky about the manipulation and wording in the pre sex scene. It feels very rehearsed. Not saying Papang did a bad job I just think Dan had pre planned how to manipulate Nick into sleeping with him.

He acts like he knows Nick has someone else in mind. Nick is colder than he once was but overall I think he hides his pain very well. So what the fuck is this

Just really makes me feel like maybe the “hunter has become the prey” Im probably wrong. I’ve been wrong about Dan before but… episode 11 is coming people.

Slightly less unhinged prediction time. I think Dan is going to confront Boston about his relationship with Nick. “Nick needs to be working he needs someone good for him etc” I think this would upset Boston but hopefully he’ll be secure that Nick loves him no matter what and Nick shouldn’t be treated like shit. I won’t mind if Boston punched him but I would be happy with just one of his shit eating smiles to scare the demons away.

[theretirementstory]

26/05/2024. Oh my goodness, I am inside my own four walls, waking in my own bed and relaxing in my own chair and it is just wonderful! Okay, so I only got home on Wednesday evening and have to visit the hospitals in Paris and Troyes over the next few months but who gives a fig, I will say it once again, I AM HOME 😁.

The beautiful card, pictured, was made for me by a friend in the UK, she had hoped it would arrive before I went into hospital, however it was a wonderful surprise to receive it when I returned.

My garden, which I had been longing to see, is still waiting for the gardener to arrive with his mower. He now assures me it will be Monday or Tuesday, it really needs to be otherwise I may need a goat to clear “the pasture”.

The irises are all dead now, I did a little dead heading yesterday. There was a weed (it wasn’t there before I left) which, if left, could have grown into a tree. However the root system was not deep and I removed that very easily. I noticed that one of the hellebores was flowering and am praying that when the gardener does arrive that he doesn’t mow over the top of it too. The œillets (pinks/carnations) are starting to flower and I really would like to try and reclaim my borders which are full of weeds and grass. The cherry tree has the most cherries on that I have ever seen, my neighbour tells me they are not ripe yet, I think by the time they are the birds will have eaten the majority. Noticed a blackbird in the tree gorging itself on them. I need to take things slowly and so I will need to, eventually, do a little bit at a time.

My peonies have not flowered again this year (well they are only young). On Thursday I took a telephone call which was from one of the florists in town. She said she had a delivery for me 🤔 I thought, who would be sending me flowers? The bouquet arrived, six beautiful pinky/white peonies oh my goodness who had sent them? I read the card that was with them and promptly burst into tears. The bouquet was from “The Trainee Solicitor” and “The Reconnect Navigator”. What a wonderful surprise 🥲.

Anie had been shopping for me on Wednesday and kindly brought the shopping down around 8pm. She also brought me a bunch of œillet from her garden. She hugged me (we both had masks on so I guess that was alright). Monique had volunteered her help, I just have to ask. Lots of people want to come and see me but until I get a programme of where I am and when, it’s a little difficult to organise. Well it is early days too I suppose.

The dietician had a laminated sheet on the back of the door in my room, it showed things that I was allowed to eat, on there were Mars bar, Twix and Kitkat. I have dreamt of Mars bars and Kitkats, still not had one but think I may treat myself next week.

Yesterday was the BBQ for the association, of which my knitting group is part. I received a photo and was totally surprised to see that numbers have dwindled so much that everyone attending seemed to be just around one table. it looked as if there were only 14 people in total. it really is quite sad as before Covid the groups seemed to have such a large number of members.

It was a full five days work last week for “The Trainee Solicitor” and “The Reconnect Navigator” so this long weekend (Bank Holiday Monday) is going to be a nice break again. There were plans afoot to sort out the garden hedge etc but not sure if that got started yesterday although grass seed (?) had been purchased so it may have found it’s way from the box to the ground by now 😉. “The Reconnect Navigator” had been and had her nails “done” and very nice they looked too.

“The Photographer” has been to London for a few days. He went to meet up with a guy he had worked with. He had a good time but didn’t appear to do as much as had been mooted. He visited his Aunt and Uncle too which was another nice visitor for them. He has got a few irons in the fire with his photography so that is interesting. His children are away on holiday with their Mum and Grandad who is visiting from Vancouver!

“The Jetsetter” back from her adventures in Vancouver, has been back at work. It won’t be for much longer though as another holiday is beckoning.

Onto the music slot this week, I am reminiscing over holidays long gone but memories are wonderful things. Numerous visits to Sousse in Tunisia, nights spent in “La Grotte” disco, taking over the dance floor to tracks like “I Surrender” by Rainbow, released in 1981 or the song I loved so much from 1976, “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago.

It’s Fetes des Meres here today (as it is in a number of countries) so I am happy with my Mother’s Day present of the beautiful peonies. Well they were really to wish me well on the road to recovery but have been given a dual purpose now.

Bon Dimanche

[falseandrealultravival]

Haiku poet specializing in plants (Essay)

Geometry

I wonder if you master it

Spurge

It has been over 30 years since I started writing haiku. Initially, the subjects were wide-ranging, but plants have been the main focus for the past three years. The biggest reason for this is his style of presenting haiku poems with photographs.

When I was working on Japanese SNS, I belonged to one of the communities called ``Photo Gogyoka'' and created poems with tanka divided into 5 lines and a relaxed character limit. I learned that. When I applied this idea to haiku, I adopted this format because it allows me to express details that are difficult to imagine with just 17 characters.

However, I don't dislike animals, but they move so much that my photography skills can't capture them. No wonder there are so few haiku about birds. It is also difficult to express the contact between people's hearts and the depth of people's psychology. However, I can photograph plants and project my heart into them. I have much knowledge about plants.

Combining photography and haiku is a double-edged sword, favoring one direction while abandoning the other. ``People can only do what they are capable of doing.'' This is probably true. Today I will walk with my camera and hunt for plants.

Praying mantis

appearance of death

fighting pose

(A haiku about animals)

Rei Morishita

植物専門の俳人（エッセイ）

私が俳句を始めてから３０年を超える。当初題材は多岐に渡ったが、ここ３年ほどは植物がメインになっている。その最大の理由は、写真と組み合わせて俳句を発表するスタイルを取っていることである。

私が日本のＳＮＳをやっていた時、コミュニティの一つ「Ｐｈｏｔｏ五行歌」に所属し、短歌を５行に分けて、字数制限を緩くした詩を作ったが、そこで詩と写真を組み合わせる面白さを学んだのだ。その発想を俳句に適用すると、１７文字では中々イメージしにくいディテールが表現出来るので、この形式を採用した。

ただし、私は動物も嫌いではないのだが、よく動くので、私の写真技術では捉え切れない。鳥を扱った俳句が少ないのも当然だ。また人の心の触れ合いとか人の心理の襞とかも表現しにくい。ただ植物は写真に収め、私の心を投影することはできる。私は植物の知識が豊富だ。

写真と俳句を組み合わせることは、諸刃の剣であり、一つの方向性には有利だが、他の方向性は捨てることになる。「人は、自分の出来るようにしか出来ない」――これは真理であろう。今日も私はカメラを持って散歩し、植物ハントする。

蟷螂の

ファイティングポーズが

死に姿

[cookinguptales]

yamagata (part three)

or The Final Part.

A continuation of this post and this post.

After a night at an onsen town and a night at a shukubo pilgrim lodging, we were finally going to the Dewa Sanzan.

I'd planned two days for this, but well. Hail happened. lmao. So we ended up going to Hagurosan, the Dewa Sanzan museum, the Shugendō museum, and Dainichibou and then just driving around Gassan and Yudonosan. ;; Tragedy. I guess I just wasn't pure enough yet, lmao. Maybe one day.

Anyway, time for Hagurosan.

(Note: please keep in mind that most temples and shrines in Japan allow exterior photography but no interior photography. So that's been respected in this post.)

So the Dewa Sanzan are three sacred mountains that the yamabushi climb regularly. Other pilgrims (particularly Buddhists) also climb these mountains, but typically don't take the same rugged trails that the yamabushi do. The idea is that you climb Hagurosan, then Gassan, then Yudonosan. You're kind of embarking on a metaphorical journey through the present, past, and future, or birth, death, and rebirth. By the time you've gotten to Yudonosan, you need to go barefoot and you're not even allowed to speak of what the object of worship is.

(I know what it is, but... no, I shan't say it.)

These days, though, mostly only hikers and serious pilgrims do the whole climb. Gassan in particular is a pretty hazardous climb, and it's closed off for most of the year unless you're a yamabushi.

You can climb parts of it (like I did) or just drive to the shrines on Hagurosan and Yudonosan. Some parts you can only see by hiking, which is why I chose to hike a little bit of it. Not even almost all of it, though. lmao. Just a couple hours' worth.

I started with Hagurosan. It's the first of the three mountains and was right near our shukubo. (That's why there's basically a whole city of shukubo and former shukubo there. Pilgrims who climbed the three mountains.) Now, a lot of people will only climb Hagurosan. It's the only one of the three mountains that's open year-round, so there's actually a shrine there that enshrines all three mountains. In other words, you can just go to the main shrine office on Hagurosan and skip the other two if you're not really looking for enlightenment through nature.

(That wasn't my goal, but I guess that's how it shook out. lmao. At least I got my goshuin for all three.)

At Hagurosan, you start down at the bottom at the main gate.

There are two statues in each side as guardians, but it was almost impossible to photograph them because of the chicken wire they put over the sides.

(This is common to prevent animals and stuff from getting inside at temples, but the mesh was finer than usual here so my camera kept focusing on that instead of what was behind it.)

There was also a small shrine to Susano-o next to the gate, before you enter Hagurosan.

There was also a small shrine to Jizo, but... God. I don't know. It was crammed to the gills full of toys, balloons, etc. and I was just too sad to take a picture. For those who don't know, Jizo is often prayed to on behalf of dead children, including miscarriages, stillbirths, and abortions. So that's why you often see him dressed in baby clothes with toys on his altar. It's people praying for the souls of their dead children.

Which... I don't know, I've seen a lot of mizuko shrines (the ones about lost children) but this one just got to me. So I don't have photos.

Anyway. Time to pass through the gate, say hi to Fuujin and Raijin, and get started.

The walk itself, though difficult, was very beautiful in the misty morning.

The main thing to see on this stretch of the hike is a Five-Story Pagoda that's about 650 years old. It's very beautiful... I hear.

I discovered after climbing down about 500 steps that it was under construction and entirely covered in opaque scaffolding. ;o;

That said, a small window is open in the scaffolding so offerings can still be made, so I got a little glimpse of it.

That said, I really enjoyed Haraigawa Shrine, which was a small shrine under a waterfall that you see shortly after you descend the first staircase.

It just looked so beautiful from the bridge. I really liked going to see that.

And look, a little Fudō Myō-ō. (He's an important deity in Shugendō.)

The Grandpa Cedar, or 1000yo cedar tree.

After this, I moseyed back to were Dad was waiting in the car (and... almost passed out lmao) and we drove to the top of the mountain to where the main shrine is.

Right before I walked into the shrine, though, I stopped at the little museum they had there about the Dewa Sanzan.

Giant tengu masks! (Note, these were HUGE, much larger than they look here.)

And I guess I at least got to see a model of the pagoda lmao.

Truthfully, this museum wasn't that huge. Most of it was swords, which... I'm sorry, all look identical to me. It did have some yamabushi outfits, regalia, ritual objects, etc., but the Shugendō museum had better examples, imo. I'll have some better photos from the Shugendō museum later on.

Anyway, on to Ideha Shrine.

The cedars were really beautiful out here, and you can see some of the subshrines behind them.

It was interesting, because people had lodged coins in the bark of a lot of these trees. I had just read some research on wishing trees in Scotland, so I annoyed everyone by taking lots of photos here.

Ah, more Jizos... and more toys...

There was a really neat little building here, but I couldn't get pictures because there was a service going on. It was wild, though. There was the most beautiful painting on the ceiling of the hall and lots of people walked in but no one looked up. And I tried to point up (didn't want to talk during the service) but no one paid attention.

Oh well. Their loss.

Anyway, finally went and visited the main hall and got my goshuinchō taken care of.

(Would anyone be interested in a post about goshuinchō? They're basically books that you get signed/stamped at shrines and temples, and some are quite beautiful.)

There was still hail all over the ground here and it was super crowded, so it was hard to get photos of a lot of the buildings. Still, I managed to get one from a bit further away.

It actually has an old-fashioned thatched roof, which was really neat to see up close. Also, it's freaking HUGE. It's just hard to tell from across the lake. That's part of why it was so hard to take a good photo from closer. It's SO BIG. One of the bigger halls I've ever seen at a Shinto shrine. There were like multiple big halls in there having services.

Why multiple halls? Well, like I said, this shrine stands in for all three mountains for people who can't get to all three. So there were different halls for each mountain/shrine.

All in all, really lovely. I was surprised to see all the tour buses, though! That would go away quickly as we approached the other mountains.

Before I get to that, though, have some photos from the Shugendō museum down at the base of the mountain!

This is the clothing that a yamabushi would wear on the mountain (with a tengu mask over the face of the dummy, haha)

And here's Fudō Myō-ō again.

There are tons of photos I could show off of this little museum, but I'm not sure if others will find them all as interesting as I do...? So here's one fairly spectacular one of a life-size diorama of a ritual.

So then we were out of there, driving out towards Gassan and Yudonosan. A couple photos of Gassan from the road... (Just peeking out in the background if you zoom in on the second.)

You can probably see why it's closed. It was super snowy already in October, so it's just not safe for most hikers.

Now... you may be wondering why we drove towards Yudonosan but I did not actually get to go to the shrine there.

Frankly, part of it is just that I was going pretty slow that day. I hadn't slept much the night before (my dad...... snores a lot lmao) and I wasn't feeling great so I was kind of white-knuckling it through these climbs. A lot of walking isn't easy for me on a good day, and this wasn't a great day. So it took me a lot longer to get through Hagurosan and the museums than I'd anticipated.

(And... again, I had actually scheduled us another day that we kind of lost to the weather. ;; The museums had been closed, too.)

But what really put it over the edge to "we will miss our train if we go to Yudonosan" was how dang long it took at Dainichibou.

Now, I've talked a bit about sokushinbutsu, living Buddha, and self-mummifying monks before a couple times, so I'll just point you to that.

(Extreme trigger warning for discussions of death, religious suicide, self-starvation, self-poisoning, etc., though there are no photos. That said, if you do wish to google photos of Shinnyokai, I do think there's something kind of beautiful about him.)

Anyway, I was really, really lucky to have the experience that I did at Dainichibou. And... obviously, I do not have photos.

But it did take uhhh a couple hours longer than expected. I wasn't expecting an entire history lesson from a monk when we walked in. I was lucky to get it!!! And to get to spend so much time with Shinnyokai. But it did prevent us from going to Yudonosan.

All that said... a few more photos.

First, this photo that had me in fucking hysterics. It's pointing the way to Dainichibou with a super cutesy graphic that does not at all prepare you for what's actually inside that temple.

Second, some exterior photos of the temple grounds.

(These were taken by Dad while I was getting my goshuin, my phone died RIP.)

And finally, my pride and joy, the one thing I really, really wanted to get for myself if at all possible in Japan this trip... The omamori of Dainichibou Temple.

Like... I won't lie, it's a bit of a morbid "souvenir". But there also feels like there's something deeply meaningful to it. It makes me feel like I'm participating in a ritual that a person literally gave their life to complete, you know?

If you didn't read that explanation post of what's in Dainichibou, then you may not know why this is special.

(again, content warning for death)

The object of veneration at Dainichibou is a sokushinbutsu, or a monk who mummified himself while he was still alive so he could become a living Buddha/bodhisattva and bring salvation, good health, and enlightenment to humans still on earth.

It's said that he pulled out his own eye during his lifetime to help end a plague, and... well, idk about that. Stories are perhaps more powerful than most humans are. But I did feel some kind of way seeing the statue of Kannon that the monks had "defaced" there, pulling out one of her eyes so she would match the mummified corpse they have in their back room.

Shinnyokai sits up in eternal repose, and you can meditate with him. And, when you leave, you can buy an omamori. Now, omamori are charms that you can buy at pretty much any shrine or temple. They are small charms, often cloth bags with something inside them. You don't open them; seeing what's in there isn't the important part. It's usually a sutra written by one of the monks or something similar.

But the omamori at Dainichibou is something much more materially significant, I suppose. Every six years, Shinnyokai's brightly colored robes are changed. When that happens, the old robes are cut up, and scraps of them are placed into the omamori that will protect pilgrims that come to visit him, pray with him, and listen to his story.

I feel like there's a fine, fine line between dark tourism (which I'm usually not a fan of) and joining in a ritual like this. But... I can't help but respect this man's sacrifice, you know? The act of sokushinbutsu takes ten years, and those ten years are agonizing. I don't think I've ever wanted anything that much. And while I may not ever know his entire life story or why he chose to do it for sure, I do know that he did it.

So... it feels like if I'm going to visit him, I need to respect that choice and allow the monks there to try and protect me in the best way they know how -- which is teaching me the history of the temple, (being shocked that I already knew what honji suijaku is, lmao), stamping my goshuinchō, introducing me to Shinnyokai, and letting me take a piece of him home with me.

So while I have many omamori, that's the one that I really treasure most. There's really no other like it, and I know that a man literally died to give it to me.

That's heavy, y'know?

And while I didn't actually get to visit all three shrines, I did actually visit places associated with all three. Hagurosan, obviously, I actually visited. Gassan is attached, actually, to Hijiori Onsen. There's a trail from that onsen to the mountain that yamabushi have used for centuries, and I bathed in the sacred water that flow from that mountain's base. And Dainichibou, obsessed with death and rebirth and attaining immortality, in a way, is at the food of Yudonosan.

So while I haven't given up on doing a true Dewa Sanzan pilgrimage one day, I do actually feel pretty satisfied with what I managed to do while I was there this time. I had some really incredible experiences. Drinking the same healing waters pilgrims have for centuries and communing with nature and praying with yamabushi and visiting a sokushinbutsu and eating some -- god, truly vile pickled mushrooms. lmao

I had a good time and I learned a lot, even a few lessons that I wasn't expecting. So I think it was a really, really valuable trip for me.

I grew!

(...........and then I took a train to Disneyland. lmao)

[hoonvrs]

Hey saint watchu doin 😊

Honestly had a really bad day today and Ur the only person I can talk to rn. Idk what's up with ppl forcing me to do things I don't like and telling me to stop doing things I love doing. As if whatever I wanna do is always wrong. My school has restricted me to do any crochet in the campus EVEN THOUGH I don't interrupt nor am I distracted during the classes. My mum has told me to solely focus on studies and do crochet in the holidays. BUT now they want me to do extracurriculars. Maybe I'm in the wrong but I have no interest in the acts of singing, dancing, art and other cultural activities. But I have to do them because I do nothing at home. Like I don't take extra classes for playing instruments, or go to other places for tutoring, nor do I learn anything involving self defense, dancing, singing, reciting. I don't even like sports. I just don't like these activities. But I have to do them and I'm being forced because they're 'good for me' and 'good for my future'. Which I get it's completely fine. But is crochet not? Infact I wanted to do a specific activity and my friend wanted to do photography. But since I chose that activity, she has to too because she won't do photography alone. And then she said it's my fault but when I said that I could switch for the sake of her not blaming it on me for the rest of the semester, she said no. I can't deny anything anymore. When they ask me if I want to do something and I say no, they ask why and I just say that I don't want to. But apparently that isn't a valid reason to say no. I would say all of this to my mum but she's friends with my friends mums and would try taking to them about it but I don't want the others knowing. Ill be honest saint you were the first person I could think of because no one else would just listen to me and not go tell someone else or start asking questions. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I just wish things were like before when in was like five and I wasn't allowed to meet my friends outside of school. When our parents weren't friends to the point they would steal away the only day my mum had a holiday I could spend time with her on. I wish I had someone to talk to. Now all I can do is look in the mirror, cry, and talk to myself. Saint you don't understand how much talking to u like this is helping me. We don't even know eachother personally but at least I can talk to you freely without any judgement. I just wanna live my life. I've never had a moment in life where I felt free since I was 5. I miss freedom.

-🌜(rant again 😭)

i can’t understand personally but i can definitely feel for you cause i have a friend in the exact same situation and honestly fuck them for not letting you do what you want in your own life, esp ur school cause in what world do they completely nan you from crocheting in school likes it’s really none of their business. honestly the advice i can give ( if you even want any ) is to not do it. nothing teaches a parent a lesson unless their kids rebel cause it honestly so much easier to ask for forgiveness then for permission, and they’ll see in the future all of that was so useless.

with your friend pls try and stand up for yourself, coming from someone who’s literally ignored her own cousins cause they were being bitchy it’ll be better to avoid and ignore her then to have to put up with her attitude. tell her no one told her to ditch photography and that she should learn some independence or she won’t get too far in life, and she might get offended but that’s her problem not yours.

i’m happy that you feel safe enough with me to share this but i’m so upset that you have to go through this, praying it’ll be js an emotional memory when you’re a little bit older with more independence cause parents will learn to give their kids freedom once they’ve hit an age where they can’t control them ( usually uni )

don’t let anyone try to talk you out of what you love or talk you down into staying in a toxic friendship just because you’re ‘parents are close’ or ‘you’ve known each other for so long’ they’re js manipulating you into wasting your energy and effort on stupid friendships and ik it’s easier said then done but you’ll feel so much better without that burden

[es-tea]

໒꒰ྀི´INTRODUCTION‧˚₊‧

Hiya! The name's Estee, you can call me est/tee. I'm an artist + Genshin player and my main goal is to share my art with anyone who's really just interested in coming with me on my journey for improvement, y'know?

My pronouns are she/her and I am a minor ^^. I've a feeling I might be a cupioromantic but it could just be because I still haven't matured enough to recognize if I truly love someone or not. Pushing that aside TT, extra info under the cut!! :D

Aside from being an artist, I reallyreallyreally love photography. I'm not a professional or anything, I mainly do it for fun :)) You can try to check out my little photos here!

Aside from that, I've also got a few other socials where I post my art on! ^^ So far I only post on three, one being Tumblr, the other being my TikTok account, and the other being my Pinterest account.

So far I'm not taking any commissions since I'm still trying to improve my art and because I'm in highschool on a scholarship, I can't properly balance my academics and my hobbies just yet so I only ever take...

Drawing Requests!! This means...

• The requester is giving me freedom to draw the character in any way I want as long as any add-ons or preferences they want are/can be spotted on the final product.

• The requester can choose if I can post the requested piece online or not.

My purpose for doing this is not only to allow myself to improve one piece at a time, but also to be able to make others happy even if my final pieces are simpler in style/not the best of the best ^^.

I usually take request pieces thru online interactions I have with my friends/peers on campus. The first three requested pieces I've had come from two friends who share the same interests in me. I also have friends on discord who've been very supportive of my art journey and whom I've been sending my pieces to whenever I have the chance to finish them :))

If you'd like to talk to me, you can contact me via...

Email: esteemaudite@gmail.com

Discord: @elistakou

WAIT! We're not done yet >:(

I have an under construction discord server which I pray I'll be able to finish soon. (Quarter Exams are going to murder me, I don't believe I'll be able to get through 8th grade with my dumb ahh anymore) So please stay updated!

But fr though, I'm not done yet! 💔

So far TWO people from 🍉 have submitted a little bit of mail in my inbox. I'm sure I'll be able to encounter more people in need of help but since I'm still too young all I can do is share and inform others as much as I can!

https://gofund.me/0dc0aa34

https://gofund.me/2a408c6f

‭‭John 14:27 NIV‬‬

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I'M A CHRISTIAN AND I'M PROUD!!!! 🗣️🔥🔥🔥

[fairest]

Raging Bull (US)

Trapped in a hospital bed, Martin Scorsese was at death’s door. After years of pushing his body through intense working hours, prescription drug abuse, and sacrilegious amounts of cocaine, the then-35-year-old suffered internal bleeding, boarding brain hemorrhaging. Years prior, Robert De Niro was handed Raging Bull, the memoir of one-time middleweight champion boxer Jake LaMotta. Notorious for letting opponents pulverize his body into a numb chunk of meat to the point of exhaustion, LaMotta drank heavily, beat his wives, and racked up a charge for allowing the prostitution of a 14-year-old girl at his club. By the release of his book, he was an out-of-shape entertainer with brain damage working rundown night clubs to feed himself, reciting Shakespeare and cracking Don Rickles-esque crowd work. Seeing Jake’s potential as a character, De Niro pitched the story to Marty.

Occupied by his promising follow-up to TAXI DRIVER (1976), Scorsese was deep into production planning for a nostalgic musical revue, NEW YORK, NEW YORK (1977), convinced he'd secure his spot as one of the great American directors. Navigating a turbulent marriage and an affair with his lead actor, Liza Minelli, there was no time for others’ passion projects; besides, he had no interest in a sports movie, with little exposure to boxing growing up. DeNiro would persist over the next few years. When the musical was a critical and financial disaster, Scorsese could not believe it, having given his all. Pushing closer to the edge, Marty had a revolving door of girlfriends and drug habits. In 1978, he was taken to the emergency room for coughing up blood and collapsed at 109 pounds. Watching the tubes keeping him alive coming in and out of his body, he saw how far he’d fallen from the son of two garment workers in Little Italy, a boy who had fallen under the influence of a charismatic priest and at one point considered becoming a seminarian. He recounts, “I prayed. But if I prayed, it was just to get through those 10 days and nights. I felt [if I was saved] it was for some reason. And even if it wasn’t for a reason, I had to make good use of it.’” He realized his self-destructive tendencies could bring anguish to anyone in his orbit, including those he loved, just like LaMotta. Finally, the director was ready. De Niro and Scorsese began putting a draft together from LaMotta’s text, then they brought Paul Schrader to work on a draft. After Schrader handed in his work in under six weeks, Scorsese and DeNiro put their finishing touches on Schrader’s structure, adding their favorite scenes from the memoir. The studio’s first reaction was, “Why would you want to tell a story about a human cockroach?”

The preproduction research for both director and actor serves as a template for contemporary filmmakers and actors. De Niro’s preparation for the role inspired an entire generation of actors looking to commit their entire body, a standard that has become its own acting school. Scorsese and designers attended boxing matches, studied boxing photography books for composition, consulted LaMotta and his former trainers for accuracy, and home movies for the family’s interpersonal relationships. Having lost a fight, De Niro’s Jake mutters, “I’ve done a lot of bad things, Joey. Maybe it’s coming back to me.” After dancing with death, Scorsese worked on RAGING BULL as if it were the last film he’d ever make. Borrowing from the great masters, he weaves the most graceful brutality of the latter 20th century put to celluloid. Hitchcock’s PSYCHO (1960) shower sequence served as template for Jake’s annihilation on the robes, followed by a shot of Ray’s glove taken from Samuel Fuller’s THE STEEL HELMET (1951). One of the first boxing films of the sound era to place the camera inside the ring, director of photography Michael Chapman (TAXI DRIVER, THE LAST WALTZ and AMERICAN BOY) and Scorsese play with frame rates within takes, flying the camera through the action, and relishing in all they have at their disposal. To add an extra layer to the period piece, the production chose black and white film stock. The great Thelma Schoonmaker cut the film; this was her first feature as editor. Together with the director, she elevated the work to a vicious level of grit violence. Famously, when asked how such a nice lady could edit such violent films (for Scorsese), she replied, “Ah, but they aren’t violent until I’ve edited them.” In all its barbarity and beauty, the film gives a naked depiction of humanity. It delivers a vision as complex as its subject. To call RAGING BULL one of the greatest movies of the 1980s is a misnomer. The level of experimentation and personal filmmaking could only fit in the realm of 1970s New Hollywood. Along with THE KING OF COMEDY (1982), LaMotta’s story received a greenlight during a golden age of American cinema, only to release during the postmortem of United Artists and the cinematic wasteland of studios. Artists’ work is often cited as therapeutic. RAGING BULL offers a new light, proving that it can also be the first step towards repentance of sins. As the film is viewed for a 4K restoration, we should keep in mind how much the director has accomplished over the years. In the decades since the film’s release, Scorsese has continued to uplift new voices in cinema through the World Cinema Project and educate through the Film Foundation. The now-80-year-old director has made it clear his penance for his early years is permanent. (1980, 129 min, DCP Digital)

Ray Ebarb

[mikeconphoto]

"DR. ALEX PAINE: THE FITNESS PRO WITH A NERD-TASTIC TWIST!"- BY MIKECON PHOTOGRAPHY

Greetings, fitness fanatics and Star Wars aficionados! First and foremost, I’d like to again wish Alex a very Happy Birthday, and I pray that she enjoyed it to the fullest! Today, I am beyond thrilled to introduce you to the one and only Dr. Alex Paine, the tall, pretty, and hilarious fitness model from the enchanting state of Colorado. As the proud owner of MikeCon Photography, I've had the delightful pleasure of collaborating with Dr. Paine multiple times, and boy, is she a force to be reckoned with in the fitness community!

**A Fit Pro with a Sense of Humor: Meet Dr. Alex Paine**

Dr. Paine is not your run-of-the-mill fitness pro. Besides her jaw-dropping beauty and her impeccable physique, she is an absolute goofball! With a fantastic sense of humor and an unwavering love for Star Wars movies, she brings a nerdy twist to the fitness world, and we just can't get enough of it!

**Boundless Trust and Hilarious Moments**

Now, let me take you back to 2019 when I was getting ready to relocate to Germany. Dr. Paine, being the wonderful human she is, graced us all with her presence at my going-away party. Amidst the farewell tears, she managed to keep us all in stitches with her witty one-liners and contagious laughter. It was then that I realized that beyond being a fitness pro, she was a gem of a friend who brightened every room she entered.

**From Germany to Colorado: A Legendary Photo Shoot**

Fast forward to 2022, I was back in Colorado, and it was time for another memorable collaboration with the fantastic Dr. Alex Paine. Her radiant red hair and quirky charm were as captivating as ever. During the photo shoot, we had a blast capturing her passion for fitness and Star Wars. The shots were nothing short of phenomenal, and her goofy side shone through, adding an unparalleled vibrancy to the images.

**The Trust Game: Dr. Paine and MikeCon Photography**

Dr. Alex Paine is a Doctor of Molecular, Cellular, and Developmental Biology, and she takes her fitness journey as seriously as her scientific pursuits. She chose MikeCon Photography above all other photographers in the world, and boy, am I honored! Her trust in our team allowed us to create artistic shots that truly showcased her dedication to both fitness and her nerdy passions.

**A Thank You Email from Mama Paine**

But the love and trust don't stop there! Dr. Paine's mother, who also happens to be a bodybuilder, sent me a heartfelt thank-you email for working with her daughter as a professional. Knowing that another photographer had turned her down before, I was determined to make her photo shoot extraordinary. Together, we proved that embracing uniqueness and being a little bit of a nerd can lead to remarkable results.

**MikeCon Photography: Your Go-To Fitness Connection**

Located in the DMV area, we at MikeCon Photography take pride in our ability to travel frequently to Colorado and beyond, connecting with exceptional individuals like Dr. Alex Paine. We're not just photographers; we're storytellers, capturing the essence of each person we work with.

**Join the Fitness Fun: Go Viral with Dr. Alex Paine!**

So, my fellow fitness enthusiasts and Star Wars lovers, get ready to go viral with the one and only Dr. Alex Paine! Follow her fitness journey, be captivated by her infectious sense of humor, and embrace your inner nerd alongside her. Share this blog far and wide, and let's celebrate the incredible impact she's making in the fitness community. Remember, “Sharing is caring!”

And remember, at MikeCon Photography, we're not just creating images; we're capturing the heart and soul of each individual. So whether you're in Colorado, the DMV area, or anywhere in the world, let us tell your story and make your fitness dreams come to life!

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot to mention that Dr. Paine also designs and creates custom bikinis. Feel free to check out her website Xela’s Customs and get yours done today. She can ship all around the world! She has gone above and beyond to ensure that people get exactly what they need, when they need it!

#DrAlexPaine #FitnessPro #MikeConPhotography #StarWarsFitness #NerdyFitness #Colorado #DMV #FitnessJourney

[southkoreaandjapan]

Cathedrals, War Memorials and more...

June 22, 2023

We have packed a lot into our first day of exploring Seoul, South Korea. We were up early - so early that we had to wait for breakfast to even be available. After breakfast - and we were hungry - Anson and I took off while Mark took an less strenuous path since he is still not feeling great.

Our hotel is right in the heart of the city and near the Myeong-dong Cathedral. I was surprised to read that 28% of Koreans are Christians and apparently the site of the Cathedral is where the first Catholic community was formed in 1784. It is the oldest and most notable example of gothic Revival architecture in Korea. It is a beautiful building - although it seems rather out of place. Miraculously, it was NOT damaged during the Korea War.

I do think it is beautiful!

We were able to visit but no photography was allowed inside so I just went to the Internet and ta-da...

The entire campus is quite spectacular and the stained glass windows are exquisite

Cool huh? We also peeked into the crypt where the relics of nine martyrs are buried. I really don't get the relics thing - but I do know that it is very important to many. I think a cathedral has to have some relics to be a cathedral - plus a bishop. But DO NOT quote me on that.

Again - no pics allowed but...

The day was heating up so we went back to the room to make a plan. After using our maps and consulting with our hotel rep, we decided to take the subway to visit The War Memorial of Korea. It is great to have Anson with us as he is so comfortable and unruffled by new situations - whatever the language. We got our tickets and found the right line and boarded the immaculately clean train. Four stops later we were there:

This place is very well done and has a much to see - including statues and lots and lots of planes and other vehicles of war.

There are some lovely exhibits - and a massive listing of all the people killed during the 3 year conflict. Pathetic! It went on and on. (Just FYI - the Korean War Monument in DC just recently added the names of all US soldiers who were killed during this War.)

Inside the Museum the displays were lovely.

Above left is a room honoring the heros and the picture of the right is the most sacred spot in the museum. These 3 and 4 year old children were preparing to bow to honor their national heros. It was very touching. The children BTW we completely silent in the room.

In the middle of the Museum was this:

The Korean Geobukseon (AKA the "Turtle Ship" - a warship used in the early 15th century through the 19th century.). While it had nothing to do with the Korean War 1950-1953, it was key in beating the Japanese in the 1590s.

The Ministry of Defense and the Office of the President are across the street from the Monument and Museum, so of course the place was abuzz with protestors. We thought it was great fun and really wished we had had some idea what they were saying....

After a couple of hours exploring the museum inside and out and watching the protesters we boarded the subway...

... and headed back to our hotel because we had big plans for lunch. Korean BBQ, Bulgogi and Jap Chea. Looking at the before and after pics you can tell we loved it. This really was the best Kim Chee I had every eaten.

Next on the agenda - naps. Mark is still not feeling great and his nap went on for a long time, but Anson and I headed out again. We just decided to explore and planned to end by the Deoksugung Palace and we did!

Deoksugung Palace is one of five royal palaces remained in Seoul. Mainly built at the term of the 20th century, Deoksugung Palace is the smallest of Seoul’s palaces. The name Deoksugung Palace means “Palace of virtue and longevity” in the spirit of praying for long life for Emperor Gojong.

Located at the corner of Seoul’s busiest downtown intersection, Deoksugung Palace is famous for its elegant stone-wall road. Anson and I walked the entire perimeter of the wall which is quite amazing.

We also discovered the American Embassy - right there. Deoksugung Palace is virtually two palaces in one-a Korean traditional complex filled with numerous examples of late-Joseon palace architecture, and a Western-style palace complex complete with two imposing neoclassical structures (museums) and Korea’s first Western-style garden. The place is SWEET!!

It was really fun to discover this amazing place right in the middle of cosmopolitan Seoul. I really like this aerial view:

On the way we also found the Sungnyemun Gate built in 1394. Cool huh?

All of these structures we saw this afternoon seem more at home here than a Gothic Cathedral - just saying. As we walked the Gwang jang night market was being built in the streets. This is the oldest market in Seoul.

As we walked the night market was being built in the streets. It looked and smelled FABULOUS!! Anson will probably go to that - but Mark and I are in for the night. We have had plenty of food and now need plenty of sleep. We have had plenty of food and now need plenty of sleep. Anson and I had 22,000+ steps today and these old legs and feet are tired.

Our next hotel is just a couple of blocks away - so an easy transition - for sure! We are planning to go the the Seoul Botanic Garden in the morning before the city heats up and we have to check out. So many things to do.... so little time.

Night-night.

PS - I’m editing this at 2:30 AM having gone to bed at 9:00 PM. Anson did go to the street market and LOVED it! He brought back food and shared some of it was Mark. I heard them talking - but I was too busy staying in my bed although I did smell the amazing food. I’m sure I will hear all about it when Anson comes alive.

Mark is also up having gone to bed around 4:00 PM BUT he is feeling better. I’m sure both of us will end up back in bed soon. Sleep is good!

We are loving Korea!!

[feral-teeth]

Chapter 8: she’ll never leave

Summary:

A surprise at the door.

Notes:

Having a sad night, Listening to For You by TV Girl and just all of TV girl while editing this to post and idk, i got inspired.

I wake up to the sound of a buzzer.

 

Huh?

 

I had fallen asleep for a few hours, i notice as i check my alarm clock on my beside table.

 

It was late too, but not too late, as the sun was still sitting low on the horizon. It was dark out.

 

 

 

I hear the doorbell ring, cutting me out of my oh-woe-is-me speech. I press the call button.

 

“Who is it?”

 

“Happy birthday!” I hear through the crackly speaker.

 

It’s you.

 

I buzz you up, my heart thumping in its chest.

 

It’s you.

 

I’m completely frozen.

 

It’s you.

 

I open the door wide, breathing hard as I just scrambled around to clean up my sick mess and gooey Kleenex lying around.

 

It’s you.

 

A light tapping on the door.

 

it’s you.

 

I swing open the door.

 

It’s you.

 

I almost didn’t believe you were there.

 

It was too unreal.

 

It was you.

 

Like a ghost of who I was once talking to, like a ghost that haunted my dreams and my heart and now my hallway, staring at me with love in your eye and a box of pastries and bags of food and more.

 

It’s you.

 

And on top of them all was a bouquet of flowers. My favourite.

 

All bundled up in paper so delicate that it almost makes me cry.

 

The care that was put into this pile was half hazard but loving.

 

I take everything out of your arms, place them on the counter and when I turn around, you kiss me.

 

I complain that I was sick.

 

You mumble, I know, I know but you still kiss me.

 

You still kiss me.

 

*

 

The cake was delicious. You didn’t sing happy birthday as you know I don’t like, just said a simple Happy Birthday after lighting the candles and waited for me to blow them out.

 

“Make a wish, babe” you whisper, being called something so sweet making a chill of excitement go up my spine and a warmth go through my whole body.

 

I’m bundled up in a blanket on the couch, makeup smeared from exaustion of ever taking it off, but I still feel beautiful.

 

The way you look at me confirms my thoughts.

 

“You look so beautiful “ you take a picture with the vintage film camera you gave me as a gift.

 

You know I love photography but would never fully invest in buying a camera more than the phone camera because I feel as though my hobby is too silly, but you know how much I love photography and how much I need it.

 

So the polaroid camera you snap a picture of me with captures the look in my eye when I look at you.

 

So much love.

 

Glossy, lovely, loving, and I couldn’t wait to finish this cake whole with you so that I could get closer to you and not have a coffee table between us.

 

I wait a moment, holding my breath. I don’t want to let go of this moment.

 

I take a picture of you with my camera, the candle light flickering over your face and giving it a warm glow.

 

I look into the polaroid veiwfinder.

 

Its you.

 

I look into the picture as it develops in front of me, like our feeling developed so slowly over time. Your face taking over the entire frame, like how you’re framed in my life.

 

It’s you.

 

I stare at you leaning on the couch, reaching my hand over the table to hold yours.

 

Strong, rough, but soft and protective hands hold mine.

 

I look at you, and you look back, gleaming.

 

It’s you.

 

I close my eyes and wish for this moment, this feeling, to never end.

 

It’s you. It’s all for you.

 

That I deserve to feel this way more, that I don’t want to feel like I had a couple hours ago.

 

I felt that way and didn’t realize anything was wrong when I was feeling it because it was so normal for me to feel that way, and to fall into the pit of depression and despair that allowed me to feel that way and take it at face value; without looking deeper.

 

I keep my eyes closed. Praying to whatever is out there to keep whatever this feeling was in my heart forever, or at least to remember the feeling, and I blew out my candles.

 

When I opened my eyes, yours were there.

 

It’s you.

 

And I knew my wish had already came true.

 

I didn’t waste my wish, but it felt like I did because I knew that this was going to last.

 

That this was going to overcome everything bad I have ever felt, that these emotions matter more than the ones I felt before, or at least that mattered to me.

 

The other emotions can fall back in my mind for now, because I won’t be feeling alone or isolated in a long time.

 

Because it’s you.

 

It’s fucking you.

 

Its always been fucking you and I'm hitting myself for not realizing this sooner.

 

Of course you wont leave me this time.

 

Unlike everyone else.

 

Because its you.

 

It’s you.

 

*

 

After cake, we play my switch that you bought me for Christmas last year, and that was the main event with a movie on in the background. The movie that made me believe in true love again.

 

*

 

To the bed, completely naked, we grasp onto each other, me more than you, to get as close as we can, even on a molecular level, I would be as close as I could with you. Skin to skin. Breath to breath. Breasts to breasts.


And when they take off all their clothes, they’re still not close enough 

If we take off all our clothes, we’re still not close enough. Its not close enough for me.

 

I would sleep inside your skin, inside you rib cage curled up in a fetal position.

 

I think that would be the most comfortable and safe I would feel in my life if I could do that.

 

We fall asleep until we’re both in restful dreams.

 

I don’t have bad dreams that night, just visions of you and I among my favorite places in the world, and new places around the world that I wish to visit with you by my side, your hand in mine the whole way.

 

Running around New York, loving life. The image of your head thrown back, laughing in a quiet yellow glow.

I dream about it

And I wake up falling

*

For you.

 

*

I had a fever until I met you by Arrow Valentine (feral_tooth on archiveofourown.org)

Link to fic on ao3

Summary: Alone in your New York apartment on your birthday with a heavy snow storm raging outside and no plans. And even worse, you’re sick.

Spotify playlist for this fic

Pinterest board for the fic

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: F/F

Fandom: Smosh

Relationship: Angela Giarratana/Courtney Miller

Characters: Angela GiarratanaCourtney Miller

Additional Tags:

Fluff, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Angst and Feels, Cute Ending, Sick Character, Romantic Fluff, POV Queer Character, POV Female Character, RPF, New York City, New York: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting

Notes:

This is from Angela Giarratana POV towards Courtney Miller

I know her birthday is in October but this is an au where Courtney and Angela live in NY and I need the snow and holiday vibes for this so please just let me have this <33

Title based on lyrics from me & my dog by Boygenius

Chapter 1: why I love you

You were there with a giant thermos of soup and ingredients to make dinner.

That was when I knew you truly loved me.

You were there when I needed you most, and I love you for that.

You kissed me, we made out on the couch even though I was so sick I couldn’t breathe. That was when I knew you loved me.

We kissed and kissed until we were horizontal, lying on top of each other. Breaks between to make tea and to sip on boiling hot soup that turned my face red, my cheeks blushing from the feelings you gave me.

And then you would kiss me.

And I knew you loved me.

That’s when I knew you loved me.

[planetgutz]

i h3art you

✶ content: camgirl reader, mentioned knotted dildo (i swear that's not implying anything :)), blackmail ??, slight virgin kink, cunnilingus, implied nonconsensual photography

✶ pairings: leona x camgirl!reader

you were his rival of sorts, he'd just never admit that to you.

not the best academics-wise, but you were cheerful, personable, and full of other qualities leona himself didn't possess. as he watched you get along with nearly everyone you met, he began to despise your perfect goody-two-shoes nature. there had to be another side to it. no one was just that good and happy 24/7.

imagine the joy leona feels when he stumbles upon a twitter account dedicated to your more nsfw lifestyle. ok yes, ruggie did send him the account like "check out this hot chick she's into some freaky shit" but he immediately knew it was you. you never showed your face but he'd know the sound of your voice anywhere. it's also completely normal to identify a very distinct blemish you have and use that as even more evidence to confirm his suspicions.

two days later, he's dragging you into a dark corner of the school and holding his phone up to you, a clip of you stuffing your cunt with a knotted dildo from your last stream displayed proudly. it's impossible to miss the smug smirk on his face as you gasp and try to snatch the phone from his grasp.

leona holds the phone out of your reach and leans closer to you.

"i won't tell a soul if you can make it worth my while, gorgeous"

you mull it over for a bit. this is probably the most mortifying moment of your life and you've done some embarrassing things in your lifetime. you could assume what he wanted from you, it was almost painstakingly obvious. letting him fuck you would probably be beneficial to you, letting you get the major crush you had on him out of your system. wanting to save the little bit of dignity you had left, you put on a brave face and grab him by the collar.

this actually catches him off guard for a moment as you drag him down to your level. "my room. midnight. don't be late" you release him and walk away, which gradually turns into a speed walk as you can still feel his eyes on you as you walk away.

it's 11:58 and all that confidence you had is quickly fading. you're just about to consider jumping out of your window and booking it across campus when you hear a knock on your door. you take a deep breath, pray to whatever deity is looking out for you, and get up to open the door. leona stares down at you and without a word, brushes past you and plops himself onto your bed.

you stand as far away from him as possible, nervously playing with the end of your tank top. he sighs and gets up, grabbing your wrist and dragging you closer to him, positioning your body between his open legs. "you're so shy now, c'mon don't keep me waiting" you shudder as he lifts up your top and starts to trail kisses down your stomach. okay, this would probably be the best time to tell him.

"ima virgin," you mumble, barely audible.

leona looks up at you. "what did you say?" your grip on his shoulders tighten as you repeat yourself. "i am a virgin aka I've never like actually had sex with another person before" the silence between you two hangs there for a while before he smiles and throws you on the bed, climbing over you.

"that's fine by me, i'll just be the first guy to make you cum until you blackout"

he smirks and roughly presses his lips against yours. you moan into the kiss, allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth. leona breaks the kiss and moves to take off your tank top. he latches onto one of your nipples, sucking harshly, as you move to shimmy out of your already soaked panties. panties discarded, you bury your fingers in his brown locks, bringing his head closer to your chest. "a-ah fuck leona please" he releases your nipple from his mouth with a pop, staring into your eyes intently.

he doesn't say a word and just slides himself down your body. he takes hold of your thighs and holds your legs open, baring your pussy to him. "such a pretty cunt and it's all mine now" almost immediately, he buries his face in your cunt, catching you by surprise. you instinctively go to shut your legs but his grip stops you from doing so. his lips wrap around your clit and you feel one of his fingers enter you. you whine and start to squirm, adjusting to the new feeling. your moans are fueling his actions as he slides a second finger into your cunt, picking up speed.

"fuck! please don't stop, feels so good" your grip on his hair tightens. leona groans and somehow manages to bury his fingers even deeper inside of you. you begin to feel that familiar knot in your stomach and start rocking your hips against his face. he slaps your thigh, making you cry out. "stay still" you comply and he resumes his ministrations. "'m gonna cum p-please let me cum" he says nothing but seems to move almost impossibly faster.

the knot finally uncoils, your back arches and your legs shake around him. he slows as you come down from your high, pressing a kiss to your sensitive clit as he pulls away. eyes closed in your blissful state, you don't miss the sound of a camera click. your eyes fly open to see leona holding his phone, a wide smile on his face. "just getting one for my own private collection" he throws his phone to the side and pounces right back on you.

leona got a lot more pictures that night and of course, he made you upload some of them to let all your fans know you were off the market now.