#(if I am writing a character they are probably coming off at least SLIGHTLY autistic tbh. I just lean into it a bit more sometimes!)

[project-sekai-facts]

I'm curious about the autism HC/Fanon's for different characters. I know there's a few characters that are commonly mentioned to have autistic characteristics (Ichika, like all of wxs ect) but I do wonder how many characters could have parallels or things about them which would suggest autism or similar neurodivergence. Would love an in depth (or slightly in depth) look into this.

Sincerely, an autistic fan who sees herself in way too many characters

Full disclosure that I am not autistic. At least I don’t think I am. So I’ll try to do an overview but feel free to correct / add anything.

Rui is very coded as autistic. I want to do a full post on this one day (currently in the process of translating some magazine “interviews”), but to give a quick rundown: he infodumps a lot (there is a card of him doing this), his interest in engineering and platypuses easily reads like a special interest, he has difficulty processing, understanding, and occasionally expressing his own emotions despite being able to read other people well, he is sensitive to textures and tastes in food (he dislikes fruit that tastes like vegetables, like melon or cucumber), list goes on. Also other people have constantly called him weird and isolated him for this, which is a thing that happens to a lot of neurodivergent people. Revival my dream touches on this a lot so I suggest reading the flashback chapters in that event.

Toya as well is another character who I think is autistic-coded, and I see this pointed out by the fandom a lot. I made a post about the fact that he is sensitive to textures in food a while ago and most people tagged it saying that he was autistic lol. Also the fact that he isn’t good at expressing emotions on his face earlier on in the game reminds me a lot of Rina from Love Live who is pretty much agreed upon to be autistic. Oh and then there’s his habit of staring and not picking up on social cues. So a lot to back up this one as well.

Shiho is one I see brought up a lot too. Iirc the main reasons I’ve seen pointed out are her more direct way of speaking that can come off as mean when she isn’t trying to sound that way, lack of a filter (ties into the last point), as well as her intrest in music that could read like a special interest. Also like Rui people tended to keep their distance from her because they thought she was cold and unkind even though she isn’t.

Also as I was writing this, multiple people said that Ichika is autistic in the tags of her birthday post so yeah that’s something. I’m guessing because her interest in Miku could be read as a special interest, as well as her general awkwardness in social situations and overthinking.

For me personally, I’ve always read Emu as having ADHD but I could understand why people might read her as autistic or both as well.

Other than Rui and probably Toya and Shiho I’m not sure how much of any coding was intentional, or whether it happens to be that you can read it that way, but there’s no harm in seeing yourself in a character and coming up with headcanons. This isn’t the greatest post about neurodivergent coding in prsk and I’ve definitely seen better ones in the tag but I hope this helps a bit.

[emo0lly]

Noel Gruber, the most stubborn boy in town

I GOT THE THING TO WORK!!! FUCK YEAH!!! Anyway, here’s the promised fic :D (also gonna tag you :) @creapysummer )

Archive Warnings: Sickness???

Fandoms: Ride The Cyclone

Word Count: 620 words

Characters: Ricky Potts, Noel Gruber, Jane Doe/Penny Lamb, Mischa Bachinski

Ships: Mischa Bachinski & Noel Gruber, Noel Gruber/Ricky Potts, Ricky Potts/Jane Doe(/Penny Lamb)

Tags: Mischa Bachinski & Noel Gruber, Noel Gruber/Ricky Potts, Ricky Potts/Jane Doe(/Penny Lamb), Autistic Penny Lamb/Jane Doe, Autistic Ricky Potts, (it’s not really talked about though), Sickfic, the Author can’t write Noel for the life of him, Autistic Mischa Bachinski, Autistic Noel Gruber, Alternate AU- Everybody Lives

Description: Usually, Ocean was pretty smart; but coming to school with a sickness was not the smartest decision she’s made. From there, Penny was sent home one day; the same day Ricky was sent home, because they were both sick.

 Constance had agreed to stay over at Penny’s house, along with (begrudgingly) Noel and Mischa, to take care of them, but sometimes….Noel is also not the smartest.

(Ricky uses any pronouns, Jane uses she/they, and Noel uses he/they/she)

———————————————————

Noel wasn’t necessarily “used” to taking care of sick people; his mom was reasonably healthy, and could usually take care of them, so he never really learned. But if taking care of someone meant Ocean getting off Noel’s ass about it, then they could at least try.

So, they were all staying in Ricky’s dorm on-campus; Ricky, Penny, and Ocean were all staying in Ricky’s room, while Mischa, Constance, and Noel were staying in the “living room” area, Constance sleeping on a living chair, and the other two taking up a couch

Now, two days in, he wakes up with a blocked nose and slightly sore throat. He simply cleared their throat, and went to get dressed in the bathroom. Unfortunately, upon standing up, Noel’s head spins, blurring colors together. They brushed it off as nothing, grabbing her clothes, walking into the bathroom, and snatching a mask from the counter with it.

Noel was really hoping, praying, that he wasn’t sick; they usually loved just lounging around, building Monique’s world, but not in the same bed as two other kids, especially not Ocean. If he did, then they would suffocate Ocean with a pillow.

She knew he didn’t have work today, neither did Constance, thank god. If they went into work today, Noel wasn’t sure how she’d survive.

Noel finished getting dressed, and went into the kitchen to make himself breakfast, which is where they found Constance. She was already dressed, had a mask on, and cooking something. Checking the time on the fridge, he found that it was 8:45 AM. Constance looked up, and nearly dropped the pot of - - what? That didn’t matter; she was surprised was the point.

“Morning, Noel.” They both stared at each other for a minute. “Good-“ they cleared their throat “Good morning, Constance”. “You should probably lie down…?”

She simply pretended to act offended, and got a bowl out of the cabinet to have cereal.

The day went on without much incident, with the exception that Noel didn’t feel any better. In fact, he seemed to feel worse. Around 2:45, that’s when they had enough, so she called her mom.

The phone was still ringing at the time that Mischa came over. He asked what he was doing--Noel pulled down his mask, shooting Mischa a “What do you think?” Their voice sounded like shit, which honestly wasn’t unexpected. Mischa did not look amused; he took Noel’s arm and dragged her into the living room. It took him a second to realize, but Mischa helped at least “Grab your shit and go”. Noel “grabbed their shit” and went over to the door. “Not that way”. Her mom picked up right about then “Everything okay, Noel?” She sounded out-of-breath (she would have been right out of Pilates by now) “I-“ he cleared his throat. “I’m sigck”

“Uh…okay, I’ll- I’ll pick you up in little bit. Wait for me.” She hung up, leaving Noel to grab his stuff. Meanwhile, Mischa was in his phone, probably texting Talia.

“You want to stay here, Noel?”

…

He cleared his throat “Is this a question, or a command?”

Mischa looks back at his phone, typing. “They want…to stay…done”

Noel threw up her hands in annoyance.

 “Go change, Noel.”

Noel grabbed their clothes once again and went into the bathroom to change, glaring at Mischa all the while. He was met with exhaustion at the end, falling into bed next to Ricky.

Ricky was half-asleep, in bed, laying with Penny, when the bed went in on the other side. They turned their head slightly, and saw her friend(boyfriend-) Noel, who put his arm around Ricky’s waist. They slept like that for the rest of the day. (the end?)

[www-artforoddballs]

Alright, so notice. Most of you probably know this, since you're following me for the Autistic Levi stuff (thank you, we're closing in on 100 followers!!!!), but people with autism can have "tantrums". I've kinda touched on this in a previous post (it's a full meltdown, but you can see that post here https://www-artforoddballs.tumblr.com/post/644803780958879744/autistic-levi-angstkinda-i-guess-this-is-him). For those of you who DON'T know, an autistic tantrum is not the same thing as what you'd think of in regards to a toddler or kid, it's just the word used for it. This is a mistake my mother and I made when getting the paperwork done while I was going through testing that later got cleared up lol

I had a tantrum yesterday, and so I figured that I could post about Leviathan having a tantrum, since it's still ready on my mind. I don't care if anyone else is proud of me for coping with it as well as I did, since it's a major improvement from last time I had one, but I am proud of myself!...with that in mind, here we go!!

There will be some angst in this post, like the last post in relation to this one, but like the last post, it turns out fine.

However.

Trigger warning for things such as self harm, both physical and verbal. If you or a loved one is self harming, either reach out to someone for help or reach out to that person to help, yeah?

OK on with the post.

-------------

First of all, Levi's autism is part of why his brothers always agree to help when there's a raffle for tickets or something like that on the DDD messages, because he can get overwhelmed if they don't at least help, even if he doesn't win in the end.

They figured out that his autism was the culprit for this shortly after his diagnosis.

Now when I'm writing for Levi, I like to think that his diagnosis was around the early 1990s since, while autism was a separate diagnosis in 1980, it didn't really start becoming fairly accepted and expanded upon until 1987. Hence why everyone is mostly used to it by now, but are still sometimes off put by his odd behavior; for them, as beings that have been around since...the beginning of the universe, pretty much as far as we know, but for at LEAST since humans were around (so at VERY least 2.5 million years now, but potentially up to around 7 million years (if they haven't been around since the beginning of creation)), this would be like...I dunno, give me a second.

Waiting

Waiting...

Okay, so from 1990(earliest year I have in mind) to 2019 (the year it was released) is 29 years. That's a minimum of 1/86,206.89th of their lifespan, and a maximum of 1/475,862,068.96th of their total lifetime.

So this is a VERY recent development for them on the grand scheme of things, but I digress.

So they're still figuring everything out, especially as the human race continues to learn about the condition itself.

So the first time Levi threw a tantrum and they recognized it for what it was...it was certainly interesting.

What had happened was exactly the situation described; Levi had wanted to go to a concert in the human world and they were raffling off free tickets. Except, unlike now, his brothers hadn't offered their support. They hadn't in the past, why would this time be any different?

Except now they viewed it through a different light. Leviathan had an image in his head that he desired so badly and had asked his brothers to support him, hopeful, only to be rejected at every turn. That he was used to, but it was still upsetting.

He put that to the side, though. He really wanted to see this band, and these were VIP tickets where you got to hang out with the band for a few hours after the concert! They'd cost a LOT of human money, and while they COULD afford it, he knew Lucifer would be bringing hell down upon him if he used that amount of family funds on a concert. And his anxiety was already somewhat raised, so he decided to enter the raffle on his own.

He sat there for hours, waiting for the results to come in. He'd hyped this up in his brain the entire time; He'd win, go to an amazing concert, have dinner with the band, maybe even make some friends....!...and then the results came back. He hadn't won.

As per usual, our snek boi went into one of his rants about how unfair it was, but instead of going on a rampage or something like that, locked himself up in his room and cried, hating himself for getting so excited over nothing.

As I mentioned before, I've made another post about a tantrum/getting too overwhelmed slipping into something even more dire, as that's almost always what happens to me. This would be in the 90s, so this would be their first real incident with one of these moments where they had the proper diagnosis, so bear with me, there will be some angst here, but like the other post, it'll be fine.

So Mammon ends up feeling bad for rejecting his little brother, and, not knowing it was too late, decided to go to his room and offer his support. It was almost Leviathan's birthday anyways, and Mammon knew how rejection felt and how much it sucked. So, he knocked on Leviathan's door.

No response. He knocked again...still no response, but a quiet sob.

Right away, Mammon switched from semi-carefree to worried. "Levi...?"

Again, no response. He decided to just go in and check on his brother...

The door was locked. And he smelled blood.

"Leviathan, I need you to open the door," Mammon said with a half hearted chuckle, his voice now becoming slightly strained. "Because if ya don't, I'm gonna have t' break the door down."

"Just go away!" Leviathan cried from inside his room. "Just leave me alone, you jerk!"

"I ain't goin' anywhere. Either open the door or I'm gonna break it down. Those are your two choices."

A moment of silence, before Mammon sighs, stretching, as he transforms into his demon form.

"Alright, option two it is."

He rammed into the door repeatedly, before the wood finally splintered and fell to the ground with a loud thud. Mammon quickly looked around, eyes widening as he saw Leviathan digging his own sharpened nails into his arms, multiple raked wounds, made by the same culprit, carved into his skin.

"Levi...look at ya..." Mammon said, voice faltering, tears welling up in his eyes. "I...how long has..."

"Just shut up! Don't act like you care about me, I'm the freak of our family, remember?! I'm the one whose brain isn't right, I'm just a shut-in, good for nothing, re-!"

He was quickly cut off by Mammon going to him and hugging him.

"I don't care who you are. You talk about my brother like that again and I'll kill you. Alright? You're a little off, but you ain't a freak, and your brain works just fine as is. You're perfect just the way you are, and if anybody else says any different, I'm gonna beat them the fuck up. Including you. Got that? So what if you've got that fancy lable on ya now...? Labels like that matter, but it didn't change ya. You're still my cringe, annoying as hell little weirdo of a brother...and I wouldn't have ya any other way."

Leviathan fully listened to Mammon talk, before clinging to him, breaking down sobbing again, and trying to explain what happened through his tears, the older demon gently rubbing his back and allowing him to cry it out, making sure no more harm was done.

A while later, once Levi had calmed down, Mammon ruffled his hair.

"Let's get you cleaned up, yeah? Lucifer is already gonna kill me for breaking your door, but he'd be even more pissed if I just left you here with those wounds."

So they did. And Mammon, after telling a VERY angry Lucifer what had happened hours later, had surprisingly NOT gotten chewed out by the eldest brother. Instead, that day, the entire family had a long discussion, and they all agreed that if it was something as small as entering a raffle, or even if it was bigger but not an inconvenience to anyone in the slightest, they'd all help out from then on. It's not like it was hard, and it would save Levi from hours of stress and negativity toward himself and others around him.

They also made a plan for if a tantrum were to happen while someone was around, or if he became too overwhelmed and started to spiral...because, as annoying as he could be, Leviathan was still family. And they loved him, oddities and all.

---------------

Alright, so...that was the post! I hope it was okay. I know I've written about this type of thing before a little, but different situations can end up with the same negative outcome, like being in an overwhelming situation, or not being able to change your thinking and not easily being able to get over your expectations. I've personally suffered with both, and it's a regular thing for me, so I like writing about it, because maybe, just maybe, it'll help someone out, or help someone that isn't autistic understand a friend or relative or classmate or employee better. And I love these characters, I really do. The only ironic thing is that I see so much of myself in Leviathan, but I adore him and despise myself. Go figure 😂

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed, and if there's anything you guys have questions about (in regards to me and my experience), or any specific writing requests, asks are fully open!

Thanks so much for being here to support me, you have no idea how much it means to a little oddball such as myself.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

That was... okay. Not much of a comeback episode, but at least it wasn’t as dreadful as the Christmas flashback 2-parter we left last year on.

I like Paige, as a character. I think she has a lot of promise. And I am very glad we finally have a woman of colour in the main cast again. Only having one is... not great, but the fact that there was a point in time that we didn’t have one at all (and a point before that where the only WOC in the main cast was, y’know, Tina) was worse.

Paige clearly does have a lot to learn as a doctor though. Although to be fair, she is fresh out of med school, so I’d feel bad judging her too harshly. But still, that was a lot of very impulsive decisions she made tonight.

But she does have potential to be a great doctor, I think. That speech she gave to Heath��s mother showed she has a lot of compassion, so there’s a start.

And regardless of your thoughts on Paige as a character, you have to admit Shalisha James-Davis made a great debut. She’s a very charismatic actress. Casualty haven’t been giving their female characters much great stuff to do for a while now, so I hope Paige is lucky enough to not get that treatment. Shalisha clearly has the talent to pull off all sorts of storylines, and I really hope the writers don’t waste that talent.

Not really sure what the point of the Heath story was, though. Paige’s little flirtation with him was odd; I suppose it’s meant to show us that she likes bad boys? During the whole scene where she was telling him that he could still change or whatever, I said out loud “oh my god she’s as bad as Henrik” lmao. And that’s saying a lot, because Henrik’s thing for bad boys got him involved with John Gaskell.

Thankfully, Casualty errs slightly more on the side of realism than Holby, so I doubt Paige will end up in love with a serial killer. Probably.

Also, I could not take Heath’s mum seriously. The thing is, the actress looked exactly the same as she did as Juliette on Emmerdale. So I couldn’t see the character she was playing, I just saw Juliette. The fact that she was wearing basically the same coat did not help matters.

Stevie and Faith on a night out. Eh. Thankfully, the amount of Faith in this episode was just about tolerable, because it came along with Stevie looking absolutely gorgeous.

Also, I can’t ship Stevie and Faith because it feels wrong to put a canonically homophobic character like Faith in a gay ship, but what I CAN say is that it totally comes across like Stevie has a crush on her.

Speaking of gay ships, Rash and Ethan were on a date?? Seriously. How else was I supposed to read that? It literally all screamed “they’re on a date”. Look, I know there’s no way they’re actually gonna go there, but evidently someone on the writing team ships them and is slipping in subtext on purpose.

And in our weekly Dylan Watch, I was pretty satisfied. He got a good amount of scenes tonight. I loved him just going along with it and assuming Paige was right when she said he couldn’t know her. And then saying he recognised her because he “never forgets an... eccentric hairstyle”. Not a face. A hairstyle. Is Dylan perhaps a little prosopagnosic, do we think?

Also, that scene in his office when he was talking to Paige was great. He couldn’t sit in that chair properly and I loved it. Dylan, my canon autistic beloved.

Next week, we get a continuation of the Dylan and Paula storyline, written by Lydia Marchant who, as I never shut up about, wrote some really great stuff about Henrik’s autism on Holby. So I’m very excited to see how that plays out.

[starlit-pathways]

rules: tag people you would like to know/catch up with❤️

thank you so much @faeinthefog for tagging me, you have such incredible taste???? (as always) also, brb adding piranesi to my already-too-long tbr list

...speaking of lists that are far too long!! *cracks knuckles* let's get down to business!!!!

last song: excluding my many varied writing playlists, then probably eclipse by moonbyul or love poem by iu, including my writing playlists then this was my last listen

last movie: the prom. didn't personally vibe with it but i know it meant a lot to some (personally, i feel like a lot of what it was trying to do has already been done better by other films—like ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga). it had very pretty colours in it?? and i definitely wouldn't pass up the chance to play emma in an actual musical, but i feel like the story itself is too much of "aaaaand THIS is how the Gay Struggle™‬ applies to the average straight person!!!" which I don't even mind in a story that's done WELL (again, see ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga, or even one of my favourite books; the seven husbands of evelyn hugo) but i don't personally feel like it was done well enough here to pass it off

currently watching: oh no. a LOT. uhhhh okay let's try counting

1) godless—a miniseries on netflix which is v. good and very beautiful; essentially a story about fatherhood, masculinity and the loss/lack of it in a historical "wild west" type setting (it's a lot more diverse than it sounds. i promise.)

2) the fresh prince of bel-air—i shouldn't have to describe this one to many people lol, but it's basically a comedy about a quick-witted, very street-smart boy who goes to live with his very wealthy and privileged family in bel-air. it's very funny, and very heartwarming but i'm only a couple episodes in so far.

3) my mister—i'm only a few episodes into this drama myself but. damn. it's a show about two very broken, wearied people whose lives are falling apart in different ways (a very principled slightly older man, and a very... alternatively principled younger woman), who find each other and help each other heal. i've seen their relationship described as "everything but romantic", though the subject of romance and the nature of their relationship is questioned in the show and sometimes by the two characters

4) taskmaster—this one's just FUN, and also quite honestly pure chaos. i'm trading favourite shows with a friend, and damn if i'm not having a blast with this one. it's basically about a group of comedians who get given a set of tasks/challenges to do, to see who does them best—it has the exact same vibe of the joke "how many comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?". if nobody watches anything else of the show, i implore them to at LEAST watch this tree wizard clip. it's a masterpiece.

5) rick and morty—probably not my favourite type of show (monster of the week's not my usual style), but still good if you're it's intended audience. trading this with another friend, and i'm very much enjoying the experience of trash-talking all of the adult characters every episode with them.

6) mr. iglesias—this one's a very new addition. am also watching it with a friend. comedy about found family in a classroom full of underprivileged kids and the one teacher who really cares about them. i like it! i love marisol a lot as a character and mr. iglesias is very wholesome

re-watching:

7) the untamed—i'm going to be watching this show in some capacity for the rest of my life. i'm on my seventh watch by now and it never diminishes in quality. it's a truly epic introspective character exploration, about a quick-minded, entirely chaotic and very free-spirited man who dies and comes back in quite literally the opening moments of the show. you get to see his descent from being the world's envy to being the world's villain. it's a wonderful fantasy series about perception, the nature of morality, of family (born, raised and chosen) and about building a better world. did i mention that the main character is—as far as chinese censorship laws would allow—very bisexual and the story very heavily features a love story between him and another man? this was the edit that got me into it (it has spoilers but without context it won't make any sense anyway)

8) healer—what a drama. this is all about the power of information—how being informed and making information available can heal a nation that was built to be corrupt. starring a character who is basically a man who is a much poorer batman (kind of like a batman for hire?) with superman's love life (the show's got one of the best and most valid love triangles i've ever seen—and that's coming from somebody who typically HATES love triangles with a burning passion) and a woman who is feisty and strong-willed but not in an overbearing way? as well as amazing action, from somebody who normally can't stand action. i love the chemistry between the two romantic leads and just. i love the three leading characters, and a great deal of the periphery ones a lot. this show is absolutely incredible, would highly recommend

9) it's okay to not be okay/psycho but it's okay—a show that says neurodivergency and found family rights!!!! it's a very healing and introspective drama, but equally very intense/gripping/interesting? the chemistry between the two leads is astounding, and i just really love the amount of empathy this show has? it's truly stunning to watch and experience. starring an absolute badass of a woman, who acts almost entirely on impulse and communicates with the world through storytelling and fairytales, alongside a very kind and nurturing man who doesn't know how to communicate when he's miserable and an autistic man, who struggles deeply with his own fight for independence (i wasn't too sure on him at first, but he grows into just as much of an equally important character as the other two and i loved his arc).

currently reading: the earthsea quartet, by ursula le guin—i'm really loving it! it's probably not one of my favourites (yet), but she has such an interesting way of building up her world, and there's such a strong sense of compassion in every word she writes.

also i've recently found and fallen in love with this fic series. it's very nsfw and modern au's aren't usually my thing for historical (or even semi-historical) fiction/fantasy, but there's just something about sex worker!wei wuxian and translator!(and also secret fashion nerd!)lan wangji both being absolute disasters and also really cute and really repressed but also being neurodivergent and disabled characters (i'm SO here for autistic!lan wangji, traumatised!wei wuxian and chronically ill!yanli all being happy) and getting therapy that really appeals to me.

currently craving: crisps. always. of the salt and vinegar variety (this specific variety especially), of course, but there's never a day that passes when i'm not craving crisps

this was really fun!!! now for the worst part of this............ tagging. OKAY. so... please know that nobody is under any obligation to do, or even acknowledge, this—and also, if i missed you, you see this and you WANT to, then consider the act of seeing/hearing this a formal invitation

@ethereal-sserendipity @lillb5678 @genericfandomusername456 @mars-aria @ikatella @juliedohbigny @multiplequestionmarks @itiredwriter @myrim-anna-rose @gaysofmyheart

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 103

This chapter was, honestly, a complete an total delight to write. I wanted to take an opportunity to work more with a character who has gotten very little ‘screen’ time: Sam.  He’s one of two characters on the autism spectrum (please correct me if that isn’t the right term?) who are based on actual people who I’ve been acquainted with.  I’ve admittedly shied away from writing much of Sam or Derek, largely because I have been scared into flop-sweats at the possibility that I will misrepresent autistic people. Even though I was acquainted with the real life versions of both Sam and Derek, that was nearly a decade ago and memory is fickle.

However. In an effort to do better all the way around with the characters I am writing, I found podcasts of people on the spectrum talking about what makes them unique, how they feel about being autistic, and what they consider good representation. And then I took a deep breath and wrote this chapter. It is the first, but I don’t want it to be the only. Turns out? Sam is a REALLY neat dude (I think)!

Finally, finally, I had a day off from work and crises. Tyche planned to spend the day baking, Antoine was booked solid with appointments after taking his ‘sabbatical’ to help Xiomara, and everyone else in my life was currently either teaching or attending Galactic Core classes this shift.  The single exception was Conor, who currently was serving his volunteer shift in the aeroponics lab. 

Because of this, I was currently making my way down there, steak and beer pie in hand, to surprise him with lunch. A happy humming trailed behind me, both from the newfound free time on my hands and the fact that Hujylsogox technology meant I wasn’t burning my hands while carrying the food for more than five seconds.  In fact, forty-five minutes later, the pastry was still hot, my hands were still cool, and I was paging for entry into the lab with a note that I was carrying food, just in case any poisonous plants were out.

It was one time I forgot, and fortunately it only upset Conor’s stomach and wasn’t fatal.

Shortly, the door slid open to reveal - Sam, not Conor. “Hey,” I grinned, recovering quickly. “I didn’t know you’d be down here right now, or I would have brought you lunch, too.” Trying to be less awkward, I gently rocked the pie in my hands. “I’m sure Conor doesn’t mind sharing though?”

Sam smiled in return and stepped back. “It smells like beer,” he replied. “But thank you.”

“The alcohol cooks out?” I tried, caught between being polite and being pushy.

To my somewhat relief, he shook his head. “Yeast,” he pointed out, wrinkling his nose and sticking his tongue out slightly. “Not a fan.”

Couldn’t exactly blame him, since I didn’t drink beer for a similar reason. “Next time, I’ll check if you’re going to be here, and bring you lunch too.”

“Sophia,” he started to admonish, before affixing me with a wordless stare.

Ugh. Apparently, I wasn’t quite free of my own awkwardness. “I just feel like I should bring food for everyone I know and not just Conor,” I tried to explain. “Where I grew up, it’s rude to bring food for only one person.”

“I eat,” he replied, waving vaguely.  

It took a few moments to realize that I completely misunderstood the gesture.  He wasn’t waving without meaning at all.

“Are those tomatoes!?” I gasped. “And that’s baby butter lettuce… Cucumbers!? You have cucumbers!?”

“Baby ones,” Sam grinned proudly just as Conor came in.

“Thought I heard your voice,” he laughed before tipping my face up for a kiss. “Sam showing off his salad again?”

I forced a glare and gently poked my partner in the chest. “Tomatoes. Conor. You did not tell me there were fresh tomatoes.”

Conor laughed, but Sam was the one to reply. “They just turned ripe today. You can have them if you want?”

“Oh, gosh,” I gasped, no small amount of wistfulness in my words. “Sam, I was joking. Just teasing him, I promise. I wasn’t seriously mad, and please don’t give these to me because you thought I was upset. I’m not. It was a joke.” Trying to compose myself, I forced a hand through my hair. “Did you grow these?”

He nodded, excited. “In soil we think will be like the soil on Von. As a test, to see if they taste different.”

My head, neck, and eyebrows all shot up. “Are they safe to eat?”

“These are, yes. The earlier ones, we weren’t sure, so Conor couldn’t tell you about them.”

“Sam, seriously. These aren’t my tomatoes. They belong to everyone, so thank you for being careful and not letting anyone eat them until you were sure.”

“I know you want a tomato, Sophia.” Without hesitation, he reached out and plucked three from a nearby plant. “If all three of us eat one, to test the flavor, then they can’t be ‘your’ tomatoes, right?”

Conor shook me gently. “He has a point, love.  These are the first batch that ripened and tested safe for humans. Sam’s probably eaten his weight in them, but I don’t think any other people have tried them.”

Sam looked down, trying to hide his ear-splitting smile. “They taste really good.”

With a sigh of defeat, I looked at the dark red berry in my hand. My curiosity instantly took over. “These look like zebra tomatoes, kind of.”

Sam’s face lit up, while Conor was still studying the one he had. “They’re a cross! A black zebra tomato and a Cherokee chocolate tomato, modified to be grape sized!” He popped his into his mouth, crushing it happily. “Not very acidic, but the soil also gives them more of a mineral flavor.”

Fascinated, all hesitation left my body as I shoved the fruit into my mouth. The first bite was an explosion, part familiar acidic taste, part something that I could only describe as ‘red’, and something… almost stony. Not in texture, but in flavor.  It wasn’t something I had ever experienced with a tomato, but - 

“Wine,” I murmured. “It’s.. stony, like a wine. New Zealand white, actually, with the volcanic soil… That’s…”

“It’s clean,” Conor interjected. Chewing thoughtfully, he continued. “That mineral taste keeps it from lingering in your mouth. I bet I could eat one of these tomatoes and bite a piece of cake right after without the flavors crossing.”

Sam replied, but it was so quiet I couldn’t hear him. When I asked him to repeat himself, he turned his face toward me with his eyes closed, hands grasping nervously. “I like to dip them in Nutella,” he enunciated loudly.

OH.

The idea of ‘tomatoes and Nutella’ made me draw up short, but then I thought over what Sam had said. He didn’t say he liked tomatoes, in general, in hazelnut spread, he said he liked these tomatoes dipped in it. And Conor’s point about eating one and then a bite of cake echoed through my mind. Nodding firmly, I tried to telegraph my confidence in Sam as hard as I could, lifting my chin far enough to make my neck itch. “Well then. You know these tomatoes better than anyone, and have eaten more than anyone. I would like to try these in Nutella, if you have three more ripe ones?”

Sam’s eyes snapped open briefly before he snatched three of the fattest little tomatoes he could find.  Eagerly, he yanked open a random drawer and revealed a hidden container of the spread. “I’ll have to hide it again, Conor eats it on everything,” he confessed before swiping the tomatoes through like they were strawberries, leaving a neat little curl of chocolate and hazelnut on each one.

Taking the one offered to me gingerly, I had to admit I felt intrigued.  The deftness Sam used to dip them told me that this wasn’t only something he’d tried, it was how he enjoyed these the most. Before Conor could get over the concept of chocolate and hazelnut on a tomato, I popped my treat in my mouth to satisfy my curiosity.

Holy. Fiendish. Shit. I almost choked on the amount of saliva that filled my mouth. That was incredible, if I was being brutally honest.  I never would have tried it with a tomato grown in Terran soil, but… hell. This was a whole new thing. “Sam,” I choked out as I desperately tried to keep from shouting. “You’re….. That’s brilliant.” The flavor was like chocolate, hazelnuts, strawberry, and orange, washed down with a good wine. “I think you just converted me to Nutella.”

Conor gaped, which only made Sam laugh harder. “Sophia,” Conor sputtered. “Do you mean to tell me that you hate Nutella so much that experimental tomatoes are what convinced you? I feel like I don’t know you at all, suddenly.”

“Yeah, no,” I confirmed. “This is probably the first time I’ve liked it in my life.”

“I want a divorce.”

“We aren’t even married,” I pointed out, before realizing that Sam was getting incredibly upset. “Annnnnd we can’t make that joke, babe.” Making sure Conor saw me glancing at Sam, I clarified. “Sam, that’s just a joke. Conor wouldn’t break up with me over Nutella any more than Maverick broke up with me because I like spicy food. But we - “ I elbowed Conor just hard enough to get his attention without making him choke on his second tomato, “won’t joke like that again. I’m sorry.”

Hesitantly, Sam nodded before wrinkling his nose. “You do like really spicy food.”

“I do,” I confirmed. “And Maverick does not. So, I make him food that isn’t as spicy. And, just like that, I don’t eat Nutella, and Conor doesn’t make me.”

Narrowing his eyes, Sam turned to Conor. “Is that why you always steal mine?”

Conor nodded sheepishly. “I’m sorry, mate. I’m really bad about that, aren’t I?”

“It’s free, Conor,” Sam pointed emphatically to the wall. “From the console.”

“Does that mean you’re mad?”

“It means stop leaving empty containers in my drawer. If you eat the last of it, at least get me more. Geez!”

“So, you aren’t mad?”

“I’m mad about the empty containers,” Sam scowled. “There is nothing nice about coming to work with all this fruit” he gestured expansively “and having nothing to dip it in.”

Conor opened his mouth to reply, but closed it just as quickly.

“He’s got a point,” I added, knowing I was entirely unhelpful. “I mean, what if I made meatloaf and no mashed potatoes? Or gravy? No either?”

His head snapped toward me, his expression horrified. “Sophia, what in the…. You would never expect someone to -” Without prompting, he cut himself off. “Ah, shit. I’ve been an arse, haven’t I?”

“You have been a complete donkey,” Sam intoned seriously. Then, with a smirk, he added, “I think you owe me pickles.”

Conor groaned at that. Sam loved pickles, but only specific kinds. Predictably, my boyfriend’s face pivoted to leverage his most beseeching expression at me.

Unfazed, I shook my head. “Nope. I’m not the one who ate his snack topping. I’ll give you the recipe, and you can make the pickles.”

“Love…”

“Taking his Nutella and not replacing it is rude, and you know how I feel about rude people.” I examined my nails closely. “And you are perfectly capable of getting whole radishes and matchstick carrots from the console, but nice try.”

“Brussels sprouts, too, please,” Sam asked politely.

All I could do with such a request was nod firmly. “And the brussels sprouts.”

“I don’t even like - “

“They aren’t for you,” I pointed out. “Although, I’m sure Maverick will appreciate it if you make a double batch of the radishes.”

“And Derek likes the brussels sprouts,” Sam pointed out.

When Conor sank to the floor with a groan, neither of us could restrain our laughter.  Who knew that ill-gotten chocolate led to pickling your worst enemies?  Then again, I guess Conor was about to find that out the hard way.

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[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[divine-motion]

don’t fucking interact if you ship t/cest and minor/adult ships

more shitty phone photos of sketchbook sketches for my tmnt fan incarnation/tmnt 2012 rewrite bc i have no shame and i’m having fun with it! pictures should have captions since i spent time writing them out, but tumblr might mess it up, so in case captions doesn’t work: 1. left to right: leo, donatello up, raphael down, michelangelo 2. Casey Jones up top, April O’Neil to the right, donatello in the middle and karai at the bottom 3. casey and don again, raphael to the left, mikey at the bottom just bc i liked how their their expressions turned out and didn’t want a bunch of negative space so don and case appear again 4. size chart featuring turtles. left to right: leo, don, mikey, raph 5. sketchy Slash design. big boy.

general thoughts character stuff below the Keep Reading. A Lot of rambling below so beware!!

April: 15 years old, trans and bi. local fifteen year old telepath finds out that not everyone is able to feel what other people are feeling, something she’s been able to do since she was six after she played in that one weirdly glowy puddle (early Kraang mutagen attempt that only managed to mutate April in the sense that it gave her telepathy, was originally intended to make humans become part of the Kraang hivemind). she’s largely unfazed by the existence of mutants and aliens, taking it in stride, and finds out about the Kraang - and meets the turtles - while snooping around TCRI business (aspiring journalist that she is) and accidentally witnessing the mutation of Snakeweed. her telepathy, which later as she grows in power alongside the turtles extends to telekinesis and basically possession, is very useful whenever she gets into a scrap since she can predict what moves her opponent will make, thus letting her dodge their blows effectively. personality wise she is a very determined and driven young girl, incredibly curious (and cannot mind her own business, she wants to know all the drama while not having to be part of it... which makes her very fortunate to be a telepath. listen she’s 15 she’s allowed to misuse her powers a little bit. as a treat.), playful, and cheerful, and she’s an extroverted autistic. in her spare time between her studies, she likes to play bass, sing, read, and write. that, and investigating whatever shady business is going on in town, and she makes it very clear to the turtles that even if they weren’t going to deal with the Kraang, she’d continue to try to stop them herself. she would like to not live under the threat of her or her loved ones getting mutated, thank you very much! and, you know, it’s kind of exciting. kind of.

i know it’s bc i have brain issues when it comes to parent figures but i am very much leaning towards Splinter not being... a good dad. i don’t think 2012 Splinter is a good dad anyways but i’d probably amp it up, make him a mix of 2012 and idw probably. i’m still mulling it over but like, remember in the season 1 finale when leo is watching his show and thinks the captain guy making a totally unnecessary sacrifice is a heroic move, and then Splinter tells leo (his fifteen year old child) that leo should know what or who to sacrifice, more or less telling him to sacrifice his brothers’ lives, potentially?? i know there was a lot at stake but hello??? i remember watching it and being like me: ah i see, this is showing that splinter is wrong and there is no need for any sacrifices as seen in the show when the captain Goes Down With His Ship for no reason other than just sacrificing himself, and leo will see that- leo: *tries to sacrifice himself twice in the finale, both times being kind of unnecessary/seemed like if he had just hurried or done something slightly different there would be no need to stay behind, and he gets out fine with no consequences, seemingly no injuries, and does Not learn anything, his brothers don’t even get sad when they think he died or get mad at him for pulling such a dumb move) me: surprised_pikachu.jpeg

like that moment haunts me. has any other splinter told their sons to sacrifice himself or his brothers? has any other splinter put that on them??? idw doesn’t count if he has bc he’s more explicitly supposed to be bad so???

sometimes writers think they’ve made an uncle iroh but they really, really, really haven’t. also his backstory is the same as in the show

anyways. Donatello: 15 years old, bog turtle, nonbinary (he/they, doesn’t mind being called brother but doesn’t like to be called “boy” or “girl” or whatever), bi. he isn’t in love with April. no creepy incel shit here. donnie is instead more like a mix between his Rise and 2003 self. he has trouble expressing himself and is pretty introverted, but he is very altruistic, kind, and compassionate. a lot of his inventions are made to help people and he was driven to learn about science and engineering because he wants to find a way to reverse splinter’s mutation, to give splinter his life and humanity back. he feels like he needs to know if splinter would just abandon them if he wasn’t a huge rat man, needs to know if there’s any part of splinter that blames them for being constant reminders of his mutation. other than that, he also likes to make inventions because he’s a dreamer and wants to experiment to see how much of the unknown he can push beyond. also, the best liar out of the turtles. also fairly good at compromising and prefers to solve conflicts without violence he can get a little... “obnoxious 15 year old genius” at times. even when he’s helpful it can come off as a bit “poor dear isn’t as smart as me”, and while he usually gets along well with Raph, he doesn’t handle Raph’s temper well at all (calls him “Wrathael/Wrath” and thinks he’s being super clever) and gets really dismissive of Raph’s “outbursts”.

Michelangelo: 13 years old, diamondback terrapin, unsure about the gender and sexuality thing but he doesn’t think he’s exactly cis and definitely not straight. a bouncy ball of sunshine and surprising emotional maturity and emotional intelligence! more so than his emotionally constipated brothers, at least. it’s on his thirteenth birthday (it was leo’s idea for them to pick dates that would let them have their own birthdays instead of sharing the “Mutation Day”, Mutation Day being another special “holiday”) that the Plot would be set in motion, as he’s finally allowed to go to the surface same as his brothers, and on this first night out they meet April and the Kraang and other mutants. he is a goof still, but he’s capable in his own right and gets frustrated when people treat him like a baby or an idiot because he’s not. he doesn’t always treat everything with the seriousness it should but like. he’s thirteen, he’s having fun. even so, he’s very insistent of taking responsibility whenever he does do something wrong and gets mad if someone tries to take the blame for something he’s done. definitely the most compassionate and empathetic out of the turtles, he’s quick to make friends and is very persuasive due to his earnest nature and good heart. much like donnie, he prefers to solve conflict without violence but does enjoy knocking skulls a lot more than donnie. unlike donnie, though, he is almost overly forgiving and not petty at all. he’s well aware that his kindness and forgiveness may be taken advantage of, but he still likes to approach people with an open hand, even if he knows that it may end up getting bitten. oh, and his hobbies include drawing, cooking, singing, and dancing. he likes to express himself!

Raphael: 14 years old, mississippi map turtle, trans, bi. all his fury is compressed within his tiny body, that’s why he’s so angry all the time! no, he’s not angry all the time, but he does have a short fuse. he absolutely hates his anger issues which leads to a lot of self-loathing, and a lot of frustration as his family members either don’t take his anger seriously or don’t have the tools to help him with it. he’s the physically strongest out of the bunch and the least agile. he loves animals and plants a lot and keeps a lot of flowers in his room, hoping that he can one day become a gardener. as his idw self, he wants to watch things grow, but no matter what he does he seems to be best at destroying things. he’s also the one most self-conscious about how the human world perceives them, as he greatly fears rejection, and is the first one to see something positive with people getting mutated - namely, that maybe this way mutants will be more well known and finally accepted by society, so he’ll no longer be trapped in the sewer until the end of his days. so yeah, he’s a huge optimist, in truth. also he’s great at knitting - great at creating and taking care of things in general - and there’s no leo and raph rivalry this time around. he can get mad at leo but not really more than he gets with his other brothers.

Casey: 15 years old, nonbinary (they/them), bi. teen vigilante who gets inspired to fight mutants and the big time criminals (no beating up pickpockets or shoplifters or whatever, just the ones that are really hurting people) and gets roped into the turtle fam after meeting raph and becoming unexpected friends (everyone was expecting it, once Casey realized that mutants are people and not weird monsters. well, not all the time, anyways). they struggle a bit in school not because of a lack of trying but a lack of time, as their parents work full time jobs and someone has to take care of casey’s little sister. their parents are very loving, but they only have so much time, so casey takes it upon themselves to take care of their little sister when their parents are busy and/or burned out from work. that, and they run into the classic dilemma of vigilante work clashing with school work. as always, they have a short fuse, they’re pretty cocky, they like beating ass, and they like hockey a whole lot. hockey, vigilante work, school, and taking care of their little sister... yeah, they have a lot on their plate. oh, and making their little inventions like the taser glove and their puck bombs, something that they bond with donnie over.

Leonardo: 17 years old, Central American wood turtle, trans, gay. he doesn’t fall in love with his sister oh my god. ahem. so, leo is raised from the start to be a Leader and has to mature very quickly, learning to be an adult way earlier than he should’ve, and as such he is very stoic and quiet, and doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, instead just doing chores and training almost constantly, and when he’s not doing that he’s reading or sleeping in his free time. he’s incredibly protective of his younger brothers and his other allies/friends, even if he acts distant and detached most of the time, and removes himself from situations where they’re having fun to not be the stick in the mud. he loves his brothers and admires them greatly, believing they could be So Much if the surface world would just accept them, and as a result he tries to be The Soldier so his brothers won’t have to. alas, they still get caught up in the Kraang and Shredder business, which frustrates him internally. he is the best fighter out of the turtles on account of having more years to train (and convincing Splinter to wait a few more years before they got Real training bc Come On Dude They’re Kids) but it’s the Only thing he’s good at, along with stealth and his sharp eyes. he absolutely sucks at talking when it isn’t about a mission or something he can script easily in his head. in his mind, he’s supposed to be more of a weapon than a person, an idea that isn’t exactly encouraged by Splinter... but not exactly discouraged either. his arc would be very paralleled with Karai’s, as they would both learn to hate their dads... also, absolutely down for murder, and a lawful neutral at best, putting his family and friends’ safety above all other things and following a strict personal code. doesn’t care too much for society’s laws, though.

Karai: 16 years old, demigirl, lesbian. same backstory as in the show, she’s born as Miwa but gets taken by Oroku Saki and raised as his daughter. however, she doesn’t exactly want revenge against Hamato Yoshi because she believes that he killed her mother. she never knew her mother, so it’s much more difficult to hate someone for taking her mother away, even if it does mean that she never got to know her mother. especially since her father rarely spoke of what her mother was like, and much more about how much he hates Yoshi. instead, her need for revenge is more for the possibly idyllic life she was robbed of, since she believes that maybe, just maybe, her father Saki would’ve been a kind father that would’ve let her have a normal childhood and not be molded into a warrior from the start if her mother still lived. and hey, maybe Tang Shen would be a nice mom too. being trained in the art of deception, Karai has a tendency to talk a lot and say very little, or at least very little that is true. she is rarely ever sincere and acts as if she’s taking nothing seriously, which is part of her defense mechanism to never let anyone close or see her true self. she mocks pretty much everyone, ally and enemy alike, but especially likes to make fun of her father’s henchmen and is always the first to point out their failures. while she does value honor to some extent, she is a bit “flimsy” when it comes to loyalty, especially after the truth about her father is revealed. when that is revealed, she at first just feels very numb, learning that not only has she been nothing but a tool and a weapon for the Shredder from the very start, but also that the idyllic fantasy where her mother still lived, perhaps her life wouldn’t be so different after all. she looks at leonardo and sees a reflection of herself, that her “real” father chose to train his sons the same way the Shredder trained her. she feels stupid for feeling like she’s been robbed of even a fantasy, but it still enrages her. of course, this also inspires her to stay with the Foot Clan... just to get the kill on Shredder.

... yeah. that got long. ahem. i’m very passionate about this unfortunately!! anyways i might draw/write more for it because no one can stop me and i’m having fun

[pennemac]

walk through fire for you (just let me adore you)

Chapter 1 ▪︎Even At 3am

Series Summary- This is my first attempt at writing with criminal minds characters! The show has recently become one of my favorite things to write and ramble about. This is a series of works that are written around an autistic Spencer Reid, and his journey's of finding comfort and joy within his team.

Chapter Summary- Spencer finally reaches out when he's struggling with a bout of sensory overload. It takes a whole lot of courage on his part and a good dose of platonic love from his boss to calm him down. (ft. Spencer's stuffed axolotl)

Warnings/Topics- Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Talk of sensory issues, Crying, The beginnings of a panic attack, Platonic cuddling, A good dose of Hotch being a dad through and through :)

I post these on ao3 first! my ao3 is here

Word Count- 1.9k

There's a light pattering of the beginning of a storm outside of the hotel room window, and Spencer is so tired. He has been, in fact, for the last two days, 16 hours, and 43 minutes. 

If Spencer was any semblance of normal, he thinks, he would probably be soothed by the little sounds of rain, but he's not. In fact, it's angering him. It's a constant white noise sound, like television static, but worse, because it can't just be turned off by the click of a button. He isn't even entirely sure why it's making him as mad as it is. 

The sound itself is even making him acutely aware of the way unfamiliar sheets feel against his legs, and the way his hair won't stay out of his face. It's alot, honestly. With every second that passes, the rain makes him more and more upset. None of his usual tactics of calming down have worked so far, either. 

He hasn't been able to read, because his brain felt like it was being drowned out by the sounds of rain against various outdoor surfaces. Music, though he'd never been a huge fan of anything other than soft piano, had also felt as though it was simply accompanying the rain, assisting it in it's attempt to make him breakdown. 

It starts out like this, usually. The discomfort, leading into being easily aggravated, but from then it's everything setting him off. Rain, the constant chatter of a room filled with busy police officers, the ticking of a clock, the texture of his pants, or sheets, or any unfamiliarity. 

He's been trying to sleep for days, but he hasn't been able to. To combat this, he'd been consuming copious amounts of coffee. This had made him more twitchy, antsy, than he had been before. His hands now, even, shake as he throws the blankets and sheets off of his legs. 

The frustration reaches it's peak though, when he has to struggle to pull his socks off of his feet, and tears fall from his eyes as he leans back onto the bed. As he tries his best to just breathe, he remembers how Hotch had separated him from the rest of their team, pulling him aside and out of the crowded room, as if he'd had an innate sense that he hadn't been doing well. 

"Do you need to leave, Reid? I won't make you stay here if it's not going to be beneficial for others or for yourself." 

He hadn't managed to give a complete answer, just nodding, hands curling into his pant legs. "Go with Morgan to the mortuary. I was going to send him alone but the quiet of a car will do you good." 

His boss had moved to lay a hand onto his shoulder, deciding not to when Spencer had visibly flinched. "I am completely serious when I say that you have to stop over exerting yourself. It does nobody any good when you render yourself useless to others." 

Spencer had frowned, not exactly happy with being reprimanded, but he knew that Aaron was certainly correct. 

"Beyond that, though, I understand. I made an agreement when I hired you into this team that I'd be here when you need me. You have to reach out to someone when it's necessary." 

So now, as he sits in the dark of his room, he does his best to remind himself that it's okay to reach out when he needs someone. His hands are shaky as he finds his bosses contact and presses call before he can over think it. 

It's answered fairly quickly. "Reid? What's going on?" 

"I'm- it's not anything serious I'm just… I think I'm gonna have a panic attack and I haven't slept for nearly three days, I don't know how to stop it." 

He knows how weak his voice sounds, and he hates it. His hands clench and unclench in his bedsheets. Tears continue to slip down his face and his shoulders and neck feel tense. 

He hears a the rustling of sheets on the other side of the call before he gets a response. "Can you come up here? You know my room number, yes?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." 

"Okay, come up to my room, then. You're gonna be okay." 

He nods, only realizing afterwards that Hotch couldn't actually see it. He tosses his own phone into the open duffle bag by the foot of his bed. The room he's in is uncomfortably dark, and he hesitates for a moment before he moves to reach into the black bag, pulling out a small-ish stuffed axolotl. 

It's soft, and the eyes are embroidered, rather than buttons or beads, so they feel nice for his hands to run over. The texture is soft but smooth, and he's grateful that it's that rather than shaggy or rough. 

When he's made it up onto the third floor, rather than the second, where his room was, his embarrassment levels had risen and by the time he'd made it up to the door, he heavily considered turning back. 

Spencer's grateful when he only has to knock once for the door to open. 

Hotch stands in the doorway, and this is probably the only time that Spencer would ever see him in just sweatpants and a soft shirt. 

He moves out of the way once he realizes who it is, letting him walk into the room. 

His boss moves in front of him, to sit on the large bed in the middle of the dimly lit space. 

"What animal is that?" He points vaguely at the pink stuffed animal clutched in shaky hands. 

Spencer stands awkwardly across from the bed, his hands fiddling gently with the eyes and the tail of the toy. "It's, uhm… an axolotl. Penelope got it for me cause she knows textures I like and don't like." 

Hotch gently sits back to make room for him. He pats the empty space, hoping that Spencer will take the invitation to sit. He does, watching his own hands as if avoiding looking up at his coworker. 

"Do you wanna talk about what's been happening? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, but it can be a good distraction." 

He nods slowly, tucking his legs in to sit cross legged. "I- the rain. It's like… t.v. static. I haven't been able to sleep because the sheets are so unfamiliar…" 

One hand moves up to hardly brush a tear from his cheek. God, he hates this. Vulnerability doesn't come easy to him, it never has. He knows how tight his breathing is, and that realistically he should start breathing deeper to ensure that he doesn't become light headed but- it's a lot easier to say than to do. 

"Can I touch your hands, Spencer?" 

The man in question gives an affirmative nod and watches as hands slightly larger than his own come into his line of vision, wrapping around one hand that isn't wrapped around the body of a stuffed animal.

"I know it's tough, but can you breath for me? Just a few deep breaths?" 

Fingers flex between Aaron's own, squeezing in what he's fairly certain is an effort to ground himself. 

Tears drop down steadily still, and one lands softly on the back of Hotch's hand. 

A thumb circles slowly in the dip of where Spencer's hand meets his wrist. "I do hate to seem any kind of strict right now, but… Spencer, I know how hard it is to tell us when you start struggling. What I need you to know though, is that when Gideon agreed to have you on this team, and when I made the decision to keep you here, we knew exactly what we were doing." 

A small sob comes from Spencer, and it deepens Aaron's own frown. 

"You are an incredible asset to our team. You are the driving force to solving most cases we come across. There's nothing you could do, or show, or say, to us that would make us value or love you any less. If that means this, or telling us you need a break, or letting through more tendencies or quirks when we're working- all of that is good. You do so good, I jus-" 

He's cut off abruptly when his hands are shaken away and Spencer all but tackles him into a hug, arms wrapping around his neck and face pressing into his shoulder. 

"And here I thought you were always so worried about germs." 

Spencer sobs lightly, tears dampening the material under his face. His legs rest on the outside of Aaron's thighs, his weight settled on his legs. The man below him tentatively brings hands around his back to envelope him in a hug, hands rubbing down to ease the tension where he can. 

"It's- it's so much." 

And this, at least, Aaron can understand. His breathing doesn't even out more than it had, and Aaron would be much more worried if he didn't know that at least in some sense, this would tire him out. So, instead of urging him to calm down as he'd mistakenly done before, when he was less aware of Spencer's diagnosis, he takes a different route. 

"Spencer, name 3 things you can feel." 

Light sniffles come and shaky breaths still echo in his right ear, but he moves to where his mouth won't be muffled. 

"That method of- of calming people down is something they use on kids-" 

"Three things, Reid." 

He huffs a little bit, but obeys. "Your hands." He shifts where he sits. "The- uhm, the bedsheets under my knees." 

One hand goes up to his face, pulling strands of hair back to tuck it behind his ear. "My face is really warm." 

Even though Spencer was right, the method of describing different sensory inputs was something people use on children, it was working well enough for him that Aaron wasn't going to stop using it. 

"Three things you can see?" 

He lifts his head from the shoulder it had been resting on, eyes moving around the room. He looks down slightly. "My hands are shaking." A glance to the left, afterwards, "My stuffed animal is to your left." 

"And your lamp is on, but it's… dim." 

His voice is soft, and it makes him seem small. He feels small too, body trembling under Aaron's hands. 

"Can you smell anything?" 

Spencer moves his head in a gesture of affirmation. "Your cologne." He pauses to pull in a deep breath. "Cleaning products, several." 

He's breathing is beginning to fade into a normal pace, and there's less shake to his voice. 

"Taste?" 

"Mint… my uh, my toothpaste. Coffee." 

Strong hands move up to his shoulders and neck, massaging lightly into the skin there. 

"Hm. What about sounds?" 

There's a silence in the room now. Spencer sits up slightly with realization. "The rain. It's not raining anymore." 

"Mhm. Maybe the universe listened to you, for once." 

He nods softly. 

They sit like this for a moment, Spencer relaxing into the pressure of Aaron's hands, his tears slowly to a stop. 

"Can I… Stay in here? I don't think I'll be able to sleep alone." 

Hotch gives a single nod, and it would have seemed curt, but his face is soft. "Of course." 

Spencer moves slowly off of him, fumbling for the pink toy before he lays down completely. 

Hotch moves to do the same, but notes briefly the distance that had been put between them. "You can come back over here, y'know." 

A tense breath was released and it brings a small smile onto the older mans face as he feels Spencer wiggle back up to his side, one arm laying over his stomach and a head resting against his chest. He takes the opportunity to wrap arm back around slender shoulders, only after lightly brushing stay strands of hair behind Spencer's ear.

"Goodnight, kid." 

"Night Hotch."

[inside-aut-blog]

A guide to writing touch-averse characters, by someone who can’t even pat the shoulder of their crying grandma*:

Initial questions:

Consider: Why is your character touch-averse? Is it because of sensory issues? (If so, is the character autistic? ADHD? Do they have fibro? Standalone SPD? A combination thereof? Something else?) Trauma? (If so, what’re the specifics?) Orientation? (If so, are they aromantic? Asexual? Dysphoric? A combination thereof? Something else?) Are they just kinda like that?

Consider: How does your character experience touch-aversion? That is, what’s it feel like to them? (Is it overwhelming? Does it physically hurt? Does it make them physically uncomfortable? Emotionally uncomfortable? Anxious? Panicked? Angry? Nauseous? A combination of these? Does it vary?) And to what extent? (A little? A moderate amount? A lot? Does the severity remain the same all through, or does it increase if the touch lingers, or decrease, or fluctuate? Is the effect immediate, or delayed? Does it vary?)

Consider: What are the nuances of their experience? For example, are some moments better or worse than others? (High-energy ones? Low-energy ones? Emotionally-charged ones? Others?) Are some kinds of touch better or worse than others? (Light? Firm? Unexpected? Forewarned? Brief? Prolonged? On their back? Hands? Chest? Arms? Shoulders? Knees? Neck? Other?) Is touch more or less bearable from certain people? (Children? Men? Women? Strangers? Friends? Very close friends? Family? Very close family? Pets? Partners? Doctors? Other?)

Consider: How do they approach their touch-aversion? For example, how do they usually feel about it? (Neutral? Negative? Positive? Other?) Are they able to set boundaries? (If so, do they? If so, do they enforce them?) How do they respond, in any case, if those boundaries are violated? (Do they freeze? Do they flinch? Do they jerk away? Do they shrug off the touch carefully? Do they keep still and bear it? Do they snap at the person? Do they speak calmly? Do they panic? Dissociate? Other?) How do they talk about it, if it all? (Neutrally? Negatively? Positively? Other?)

Consider: How do others approach their touch-aversion? For example, how do different people feel about it, if they’re aware of it? What assumptions do they make? How do they act on those assumptions, if at all? Do they respect your character’s boundaries? Do they try to desensitize your character? Do they want to?

Common pitfalls:

The character grows comfortable with touch; this correlates with a character arc that involves them growing kinder, warmer, more compassionate, or more “human”

Recommendation: Avoid.

(Seriously, avoid.)

Equates being touch-averse with being cruel, uncaring, and inhuman

Implies that it’s a character flaw to be outgrown or fixed

Implies it can and should be outgrown or fixed

As a concept, full of ableism. So much ableism

Inaccurate, hurtful on all counts

The character grows comfortable with touch from a specific person or group of people; this correlates with increased levels of closeness, trust, and/or emotional intimacy

Recommendation: Tread carefully.

Implies touch-aversion is something to be overcome or fixed with love

Risks supporting myth that it can always be overcome with enough love

Can imply that it must be overcome in order to have a healthy and/or emotionally fulfilling relationship

Inaccurate, potentially damaging on all counts

Someone is very physically affectionate with the character despite their obvious discomfort; this correlates with a narrative about the other caring for them very deeply and wanting to break down their emotional walls or otherwise help them

Recommendation: Tread very carefully.

Plays into the above issues

Depicts a violation of boundaries (no matter how benign the intentions)

Inaccurate, damaging

The character finally willingly submits to physical affection; this is portrayed as particularly heartwarming or a sign of growth

Recommendation: Tread carefully.

Can play into the above issues

Can be patronizing and/or infantilizing

Avoiding common pitfalls**:

The character grows comfortable with touch; this correlates with a character arc that involves them growing kinder, warmer, more compassionate, or more “human”

Option one: Just don’t do it.

Option two: No really, don’t do it.

Option three: I’m serious.

Option four: Don’t.

Secret option five: Do not!!

The character grows comfortable with touch from a specific person or group of people; this correlates with increased levels of closeness, trust, and/or emotional intimacy

Option one: Don’t do it

Option two: Include someone else who stays broadly touch-averse; portray their close relationships as equally healthy and emotionally fulfilling

Option three: Have the characters talk about boundaries; portray it as a process and focus on consent

Option four: Portray the increased comfort as non-absolute even within the relationship(s), even as emotional intimacy increases.

Secret bonus option five: Mix and match!!

Someone is very physically affectionate with the character despite their obvious discomfort; this correlates with a narrative about the other caring for them very deeply and wanting to break down their emotional walls or otherwise help them

Option one: Don’t do it

Option two: Have the narrative criticize the other character’s violation of their boundaries

Option three: Have the other character ask about boundaries first; portray it as a mutually-agreed-upon thing

Option four: Contrast it with other characters who respect their boundaries and are portrayed as better at connecting with and/or helping them

Secret option five: Mix and match!!

The character finally willingly submits to physical affection; this is portrayed as particularly heartwarming or a sign of growth

Option one: Don’t do it

Option two: Have other characters make it clear that they genuinely don’t have to do it; the impending affection is an offer, not a requirement

Option three: Have the character choose to initiate physical affection in a way that’s comfortable for them

Option four: Have the character accept a sign of affection that’s more comfortable for them than the ones previously attempted; portray it as a heartwarming sign of growth on the part of the other characters

Secret option five: Mix and match!!

My personal pet peeves:

Touch-averse character “slowly” grows more comfortable with touch with respect to a specific person; this process takes about a week. Maybe a month, tops

I’m sure it absolutely does work this way for some people!

But in my experience, it definitely does not.

For me, I’d need at least three months of knowing someone before I even thought about hugging them. Likely more (and an extenuating circumstance besides) to actually try

Touch-averse character finds themself utterly comfortable hugging someone they just met because they insta-click

See above

Touch-averse character is suddenly much more (or even completely) comfortable with physical contact the instant they become upset

Again I’m sure it probably does work this way for some people!

But for me, and I’m sure for many others as well, it actually if anything gets kinda worse?

Generally a bad time

Touch-averse character’s touch-aversion is played for laughs

I’m sure there’s a way to do it well, but usually it just comes off rude

Things I’d personally like to see more of:

Touch-averse characters that come with pre-established exceptions

These types of relationships are the most interesting to me. Got that implied pre-existing trust and closeness baked in there, real nice

Also, they feel less like a fixit narrative because we don’t see it happen and the character is still uncomfortable outside of the exception(s)

Touch-averse characters that don’t have any exceptions

Sometimes ppl just don’t have none and it’d be nice to see that u know

Touch-averse characters who are simultaneously touch-starved

I enjoy suffering

Also, it happens

Also also it makes for some nice internal conflict (and external, potentially)

Stories that in some fashion mention why they’re like that

Say the autism word. Say the trauma word. Say the asexual word. The aromantic word. The fibro word. The [insert other word]. Say it

(please. I am begging you.)

Other characters respecting the touch-averse ones’ boundaries

I am a simple person with simple desires

Stories with more than one touch-averse character

I am a simple person with slightly more complex desires,

Stories with touch-averse characters who stay touch-averse

I am a simple,,

In conclusion:

That is all I have

Please go forth into the world and make some sweet sweet touch-averse losers

Thank you for your time

Yes

--

*with the caveat that I am but one single person whose thoughts, opinions, and experiences are very very far from universal; also the caveat that I have admittedly never had occasion to try patting the shoulder of my crying grandma, but have certainly failed to so much as concernedly nudge numerous other weeping loved ones–but that’s less humorously phrased, so I give myself a pass on accuracy in favor of wittiness

**these are course not all of the possible pitfalls or even necessarily the most common or even necessarily the worst–and others might not label them pitfalls at all, which is fair as it’s certainly possible to include most of these very successfully–but they’re the ones that have historically bothered me the most, personally, individually, as an individual person, and so here they are; I hope they’re useful, enjoy

[pastelbatfandoms]

Fanfic Author asks

My first ask meme, and one that’s been on my mind for a while! Feel free to reblog for your it for yourself, answer them, or ask me for my answers! Read more break after 10/50 to help keep this from clogging any dashboards

by @mabel-but-slytherin

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today? I used to write so many Sailor Moon Fan fic...since I was 12 so I don’t really remember...it might have been the Sailor Pluto one I wrote for school or My one shots of each of the sailor scouts as adults. The Sailor Pluto one wasn’t bad and was set in Egypt but it was really hard to read since I wrote it in glitter pen on black paper XD The one shots were pretty cute and funny too but I don’t have any of them anymore....

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come? My WWE Dean Ambrose ‘On The Fringe’ story. well I write smut now lol and I’ve definitely grown. 

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic? It’s not a Fan fiction but My Nevermore story based on My Vampire Character Levathia and My ex’s characters he let me use. Fanfiction would probably be My recent WWE Cat & Mouse story. 

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic? That I’ve posted. Cat & Mouse. 

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that? My Wells of Hearts. The last part anyway. which I haven’t posted because I don’t have the middle yet.

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that? Not really no. but like I said I don’t have any of my Sailor Moon Fanfic anymore or My old WWE one’s. I am slightly embarrassed by how ooc I made The Rock when I was 13 though....

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? Wells of Hearts.

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? My WWE Roxy one’s will always continue. there’s so much to go off of. 

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material? Nope

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it? Yes

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting? Well I mean there’s plenty of WWE Smut around and My Sailor Moon stories were probably already done before but idc. 

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why? I just started posting them otherwise it was all pen and paper. 

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today? um I actually have people who read it lol I’m not a kid anymore (not all the time anyway) I write Smut. 

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today? well I read more than just Anime Fanfiction now lol 

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular? No

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention? Nope I write for myself. 

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic? I hate that word...

18. What’s your most underrated fic? My Baron Corbin one lol

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick? that I’ve posted....I have no idea...depends...Smut wise Cat & Mouse. Non Smut Mughead. 

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down? No

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs? What???

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed? Nope

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten? idk

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it?

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick? Single Fandom.

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick? Single.

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy? 

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right? none. though I’m sure they’re are people who aren’t going to be happy that I’m not making Eobard Thawne AroAce or Autistic. but they don’t have to read it then. I already made Jughead Ace I’m not writing another Ace character because it doesn’t fit with My Main character and how I view Eo so....I also do not think I could write an accurate good autistic character.

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying? Eobard lol yeah he’s the only character that “talks” to me. 

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up? Eobard’s! they are really good scenes though imo. 

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way? I’m surprised I’ve gotten so many likes and reblogs of My Shane Mcmahon ‘It’s Been Awhile’ Fic just cause it’s so short and simple. 

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to? nope. 

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic? NO and I don’t think I ever could.

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic? lol kinda

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why? Nope.

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership? idk what that is. 

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content? probably not. but I do have a life outside this. 

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site? I only post on Tumblr. 

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten? 40. 

43. Your least popular? 4...but I get that Wells of Hearts isn’t finished yet. I just thought fans would like how I wrote HR and Eowells but oh well. 

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received? YES

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself? Fantasy

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author? I suppose.

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? yes I let my family read my PG rated one’s. 

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too? yes My Family and aside From Riverdale only My hubby and Bestie watch The Flash and WWE. 

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it? yep My Mom. 

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive? sure. 

[supere1113]

The Conflict Within Myself - Track 6: Paranoize

You ever had a weird thought burst your bubble out of nowhere? Well, that’s what this is!

Paralleling with TAIM and Fire before it, The Conflict Within Myself takes sharp tone shift after the 5th track in the album/project. I think I subconsciously do it to mark a shift, like a conclusion of one section of the project, and the genesis of the next. In this case, Paranoize marks the beginning of a new stage of the album (Act II: The Conflict, for which the album is named).

Early in the fall of 2019, I was leaving class, headed to my car when I had, of all things, a panic attack. I didn’t even know it at first, but the fact that I couldn’t stop hyperventilating definitely gave it away. I got to my car as quick as I could and kinda collapsed into my seat and, just let it happen. This event and my thoughts immediately thereafter make up the lyrical (and compositional) structure of Paranoize. That wasn’t my first panic attack, so it’s kind of an amalgamation of all my major experiences having them, and the thoughts that having those attacks conjured.

I’m not sure if I told y’all in a previous song post but, I have, among other things, anxiety. After I have a panic attack, I always feel this... absence of stability (I mean, it makes sense that I feel this, I guess I’m just telling y’all what happens with me), as if there was a lens of dismay superimposed over my eyes; everything just feels... bad, and... thrown off. Don’t know if anyone else experiences it this way.

I had been trying to write Paranoize for at least 3 years at that point, and I thought that this would be a literally perfect time to write this song, while I was still in it, still reeling from it. Plus, I don’t know if the song would’ve been as sincere and authentic as it ended up being. In this part of the album, the virtual paradise created in the first part of the album is seriously challenged for the first time. In the context of me, it’s an expression of the beginning of a greater disillusionment with a lot of different things that I, along with many people my age and older, were experiencing, like how a lot of people thought racism was dead by the 2000s among others. My adolescent invincibility was threatened by something that I didn’t know about. First among these to appear: Anxiety.

The paradise is expressed in lines like ���We got Barry and Larry the Cucumber, and good fortune, we ain’t ever going under” speaks to the sometimes-too-rigid ideals of my christian upbringing (Larry is a Character in the Christian kids series, VeggieTales) as well as having the first black president in the, at that time, 230+ years of US history (Barry is short for Barack in this case). As you learn more about other cultures and about what perfection really means, you start to see holes in some of the arguments made by christians who are a bit more religious than spiritual. Many people who were raised in the faith end up leaving it in light of these truths. I believe that a couple visions that God showed me in middle school and my desire to understand unbiased perfection (and in effect, God himself) kept me from following suit. Anyways, I don’t know how history will remember this, or if anyone else in the current time picked up on this, but I think Barack being president opened up some nasty cans of worms for the US. Weird stuff we thought we were past, and stuff that we didn’t know mattered before. over the course of his presidency, it’s as if his very presence in that office outlined all the problems we need to face as a nation. A painful blessing, in a sense.

As the song goes on, I outline the origin of the song’s title. As I experienced more and more anxiety, music became a great help for me. However, as I found and continuously listened to different songs that helped me, like penicillin to a virus, my problems seemed to gain a tolerance to the healing power of those songs. They began to haunt me every time I listened to them. They would remind me all too much of the very problems I once used them to solve as time went on. I began to doubt the sentiments of those songs, and they stopped working to help me combat my anxiety along with my general worry. High school was an anxious time... The title of Paranoize is a play on the word “paranoid” mixed with the word “noise” to apply the feeling of anxiety to music. Wow, this is hard to explain. No wonder it took me 3 years to write this song!

In my anxiety, I am often put face-to-face with my own perfectionism, the very thing that I mentioned in a slightly better light in Making It. As my anxiety worsened in high school, it became equal parts advantage and detriment. I was meticulous and thorough, but deeply disturbed by any time when I wasn’t. As time went on, I began to dissect (or disseminate ;)) my perfectionism itself and some of the underlying sentiments many perfectionists feel. At this point, you really start to doubt yourself almost universally. You second-guess nearly everything you do (or don’t do). And while all that’s happening, you realize that much of the pressure you’re feeling is self-imposed, and... it’s just not a pretty picture mentally.

Luckily, I catch myself slipping into negativity and assert my convictions to keep me from falling (let me tell you, it’s like standing on stilts). My aspirations, my dreams, the way I want to execute those things, etc. In my mind (as well as externally), it feels as if no one hears what I’m saying or want, and when that happens, coupled with anxiety, you start getting desperate... and defensive. You may say things you probably don’t mean to those around you and it’s just a bad day... but you know it’s not you, really. You’re just pushed into a weird position by your emotions and mental health, and you have yet to figure out how to keep it from controlling you. (Anxiety 101, folks!) Then comes the brain fog and exhaustion associated with more severe anxiety. Makes it hard to make decisions, you’re always tired, all that jazz.

I also began to feel insecure about the fact that I didn’t have an Adele-level singing voice that wins the hearts of millions. And then that stereotype about how all black men who are into music should become rappers, and rappers only. Then I say, 1: That’s overrated for my demographic, 2: “I do it soley for the sake of self-expression!” Singing is called for in some parts as is rapping. If you think you can do both, why shouldn’t you, regardless of opposition? Follow your dreams! ;)

Over the course of my life, I have heard contradictory opinions, and those can really put you at an impasse at first. I think it’s especially hard when you are autistic, and the world is wired differently than you are, and they try to understand you by changing how you operate naturally, such that you become easier to understand to others, including your family. Grave mistake, parents of autistic people. Please, show them how the world works, but let them be who they are. I took medications to help me focus in school at this time, and I found that they didn’t really help me that much long-term, and they even became detrimental over time in the short term. I still didn’t feel very understood on or off it. Then more big self-talk, more pep talk, but eventually, the anxiety always ended up taking a lot more of my mental self control than I would’ve liked.

And all that goes through my head in one minute. Literally, 1 minute.

So yeah, that marks the beginning of what you will find out to be a crazy trip through my head.

The music in Paranoize changes with the emotional tone of my thoughts. I drew from so many influences, and this is the only time on Conflict that they are this distilled. I had a lot of fun composing this song. it was quite crazy as well, like the pull-your-hair-out kind, too. Paranoize sets the ground work for an array of other problems to build on, as you will see...