#(been trying to be consistent but seasonal depression is real and it IS trying to hunt me for sport)

[hiddenzev]

Take A Shot : Chapter 1 [ Kick Off ]

Pairing: Joel Miller x soccer player f!reader

Chapter Summary: You return to your hometown where your history with Joel started.

Chapter Warnings --- no beta, fluff, light angst, Idiots in Love, childhood friends

WC: 7.7k

series masterlist, AO3

A/N: Finally another fic is out! I've been busyyy and I know this is not going to be a consistent updating as my previous fic but I will try my best because this was more fun to write. Also, my favourite football (soccer) team is not performing well since a few weeks ago and it's been depressing yall...im not okay...fuckkk Hope yall enjoy this one even tho yall may not be soccer fans.

— May 2024 —

"Dad! Let's go!" 

9-year-old Sarah stood by the truck, waiting for her dad to get out of the house. She tapped her foot restlessly, annoyed that Joel was taking longer than expected to get ready to go. She was excited to watch her favourite soccer team, Austin Violet Football Club, play the first game of the new season. She was dressed in the home jersey and shorts, pairing them with the team's scarf around her neck, hair styled as space buns with the help of Joel. The club director invited her to watch the game after signing a 2-year contract for the Austin Violet Football Academy—a part of the Austin Violet FC consisting of both men and women. 

Sarah was an aspiring soccer player. She fell in love with the game at 6, when her great-grandmother played it on TV while she was babysitting her. Since then, she had been going on and on about soccer, and Joel signed her up for a youth soccer club nearby that honed her soccer skills to be selected for Austin Violet Football Academy. It was the most ecstatic she had ever felt in her 9 years of a lifetime when Joel told her that she was selected to join the youth academy. Nothing could compare to the endearment in his heart when he witnessed Sarah explode with joy. 

"The game ain't going nowhere, baby girl. We still got time." Joel said over his shoulder as he locked the door. 

Sarah groaned loudly, exasperated, seeing her dad taking the whole time in the world as if he were doing it intentionally. Her shoulders slumped forward, the AVFC scarf around her neck swaying slightly at both ends to her movement. With keys dangling in his hand, he opened the passenger door for Sarah, and she side-eyed him before climbing into her seat, complaining under her breath. Joel sighed heavily, having to deal with her daughter's attitude again. 

-----

The Violet Crown Football Stadium was almost packed with thousands of supporters from the home and away teams. Everyone was hyped with the anticipation of the first game, chanting endlessly, as loud as they could. The setting sun painted the field orange mixed with the green grass, blanketing it with warmth. The smell of summer is swaying to the beat of the surrounding air. Sarah looked around in awe, watching the fans around her cheering for the team. She could not help the smile appearing on her face as she immersed herself in the moment. 

They were seated in the suites section, which was where other VIPs, players not in the squad, players' family members, or other relevant individuals were seated. The suites were at the middle level, where the game could be clearly viewed. While Sarah was busy scanning everything around her, Joel was on his phone, talking to Tommy about work.

Even though Joel was supportive of her passion for soccer, he did not take the time to be fully invested in AVFC. He knew the rules of the game and only of her favourite player at the time, Kiara King, the striker for Austin Violet women's team. He supported the team in his own way. Without Sarah's love for soccer, he would not have watched soccer but be indulged in baseball instead. There were underlying emotions and memories stuck deep inside him that he did not want to resurface again whenever soccer came to mind.

"Enough about work; Sarah must be real excited about the game," Tommy said.

"Tell me about it," Joel sighed. "She was rushing me until we got in the stadium today." 

Joel turned his head to look at Sarah, whose eyes were sparkling with admiration as she watched the players walk out of the tunnel. The whole stadium roared with claps and howling cheers. It was getting harder to hear Tommy through the phone, with the loud noises filling the stadium. 

"I know you don't follow the team that much but they signed a new player at the end of the summer break," Tommy updated him with the news.

"Oh, really?" Joel said in a disinterested voice as he looked down on the field. Due to the distance, he could not see the players' faces.

The display screen started to show each player of the home team while the announcer introduced them one by one, starting with the goalkeeper and slowly progressing to the attackers. The stadium erupted with cheers for each of the players that had been introduced.

"You won't believe who their new signing is," Tommy's voice sounded distorted in Joel's ear.

"I'll call you back later! I cannot hear you right now! The game is starting already. Bye!" Joel shouted into his phone before ending the call without waiting for Tommy's response.

Sarah stood in her seat, jumping up and down, shouting excitedly with the rest of the supporters while Joel stared at her lovingly. The announcer started to announce the midfielders and the name he had long forgotten blasted through the stadium speakers, catching his attention back to the screen and confirming his doubts. 

There you were, waving to the crowd that welcomed you with big arms and a smile on your face. The smile that played a significant role in his childhood was now back in town. He was confused with the longing he did not expect to feel as he looked at you, guilt on his face. Suddenly, the noises around the stadium died down—muffled in his ears—the long lost memories with you that he continuously tried to lock away flooded his head. He could not erase the image of you, eyes brimming with tears as you turned to leave him 12 years ago. Out of his life. Now, you were back to haunt him.

"Dad! Look! She's wearing my number!" Sarah shook him out of his thoughts, pointing at your jersey number—20–the same as her birthdate. 

What kind of a sick game is the universe playing with him, seeing the coincidence of you wearing Sarah's favourite number on your back.

-----

23 years ago, your family moved from Dallas to Austin due to your father's job, and moving into a new home brought you a lot of emotions. You were excited to live somewhere new but also sad to be unable to be with your friends anymore.

It was the first day of school. You were sitting at your table, waiting for someone to sit beside you as your table partner. The kids in the class looked wary as they came in, not knowing what to expect for the first day. A few kids had reddish eyes because they were crying and were not emotionally ready for 1st grade. You were not one of them. 

Your father had already trained you to be tough from the get-go. He was teaching you soccer right when you started learning to walk. Little did you know, he did it to live his dream through yours. He was the definition of tough love. He did not go easy on you during his home training. Sometimes, losing his patience, hurling insults and hitting you, but you took everything like a champ because if not, the anger in him would be thrown toward your mom. 

Growing up, you witnessed the treatment that your mom got from him. You got in between them most of the time, wrapping your body around your mom to protect her, but what can a small and frail kid like you could do compared to the tall and big figure of your father? 

"Hi! I'm Joel. What's your name?"

A voice beside you brought your mind back to the classroom. You turned your head to find a boy with a smile that could light the whole classroom brighter than it already was. His hand is out towards you, expecting a handshake.

"Hi, Joel." You replied, taking his hand as you gave him your name.

"That's a pretty name," he said, his dimples on display as he smiled, which rendered you speechless. Your heart stopped for a beat at that moment, and it felt very strange because it was the first time you had felt that way, especially by a boy. 

"Thank you." You thanked him with a shy smile sent his way. 

From then on, the two of you were inseparable. He followed you everywhere you went, and you did not mind him at all, enjoying his company. He talked to you about everything, be it his favourite TV show, his favourite animal, or even his embarrassing moments. He was not afraid to tell you about his grandma, who was taking care of him and his baby brother once his mom left after their dad's death the previous year.

You saw his forlorn eyes as he told you the story. You empathised with the amount of hurt in his voice as you listened. In return, you confided in him about your parents. About how strict your father was towards you and how it pained you to see your mother's suffering, not being able to stand up for herself. 

You were surprised when he pressed himself against you, arms circling your body. He was hugging you, and you learned that it was his way of comforting not just you but himself as well.

The two of you bonded through the traumas and the amount of time you spent together during and after school. Although, most days after school, you couldn't play with him and the other neighbourhood kids due to your father's intense training sessions, he always filled you in on the things you missed. He always welcomed you like no other kid does. He did not judge you because of the circumstances that you were living in. 

Even though he lived at the other end of the street, he would cycle past your house just to see how your training was going in your front yard. Your father had noticed him cycling past a couple of times, but he did not say a word; he only sent his hardened glares towards Joel, which the brave 7-year-old did not cower away from.

There were times when you got distracted by Joel, which resulted in you receiving harsh punishments for not focusing on your training. Tears formed in your eyes from the pain in your body whilst you carried on with the punishments, but that didn't stop you from secretly waving at Joel as he passed by, smiling at you. 

On days without training, you joined Joel and the other kids cycling and exploring the neighbourhood. Not afraid to get dirty, you found yourself rolling around in the grass field as you looked at the boys who were playing fights or flying kites. Joel never left your side—always making sure you were taken care of, not wanting you to get in trouble with your father if you got injured while messing around. 

Sometimes, he can be too much about the little things—constantly wiping dirt off your face and other parts of your body as if you are not used to it, trying to carry you when you were perfectly fine with walking, or even worse, covering your ears whenever the boys said a bad word which didn't even come close to what you have already heard from your father. You were an independent kid, so you were annoyed when Joel started to treat you like a baby, but you didn't call him out on it, knowing that was just his big brother instincts. 

You shared everything about school with your mom whenever you reached home. It was the only time you could comfortably talk with her without Dad's presence in the house. She would coo when you told her about the things Joel did for you, finding it sweet that there's a kind boy out there taking care of you. You complained to her about how Joel was treating you like a baby, thinking she would take your side, but you found her laughing softly at your annoyance. 

"I like Joel. He sounds like a good friend, " your mom said softly, caressing your head.

"He is." You nodded your head, looking at her with your big round eyes.

"I'm happy you found a good friend, bubba." She kisses the crown of your head, lips lingering there for a while.

"He found me first, mama." You innocently corrected her, and she just smiled to herself, hugging you tight.

-----

— June 2024 —

Players were lined up in the tunnel, getting ready to get out to the field for the match. According to the positions you play, you were standing in the middle of your team's line, shaking your limbs to rid the nerves away. Each player was allocated a child mascot to walk to the field. There was a girl around the height of your chest, standing beside you. You noticed her staring at you with admiration in her big, round eyes. You instinctively smiled as you bent down to meet her eyes. 

"Hi! What's your name?" you asked her in a higher-pitched voice, similar to that you used when talking to kids. 

"Sarah," She meekly replied with a bashful smile, still maintaining eye contact with you.

Her smile reminded you of someone, but you could not put a face on it. You ignored the thoughts of her looking familiar to you for some reason.

"Is this your first time being a mascot?" 

"Yes," Biting her lip out of being scared. 

"You don't have to be nervous, okay? You got me." You reassured her, seeing how nervous she looked. 

She nodded her head slowly, trusting you with your words.

"I like your hair, Sarah. It's pretty." Pointing at her space buns as you compliment her, trying to distract her from her overwhelming feelings. 

"Thank you. My dad helped me with it." Her eyes widened. She tilted her head towards you to show the work of art her father had created. 

"Your dad?! Wow! He did a pretty good job." Your smile grew wider, and you adored how she was bragging about it. 

The image of your father crept up in your mind. You cannot help but compare your father to hers. From just hearing that Sarah's father did her hair, you knew that he must be a wonderful dad to her. He definitely adores her so much, even to master the hairstyles for his daughter. 

Meanwhile, your father was still psychologically and emotionally abusing you at 30. You were glad to be able to make it to pro, leaving the house, away from his grasp. He will call you after every game—whether your team loses or wins—he will criticise your mistakes. Not once has he said that he was happy and proud of you despite your achievements. After some time, you don't even expect or want to hear that from him. There were times you purposefully ignored his calls, but a few hours later, your mom would be calling as she sobbed, begging you to just listen to what he had to say. 

After you left Austin at 18, you told your mom that you would do whatever it took to let her be free from your father. However, she insisted that she loved him too much and could not bear to leave him alone, knowing he would suffer from the fallout. You get that he is the love of her life, but it hurts so much to see the relationship infested with so much toxicity that she thinks it's better to hold on to it instead of letting go. 

"Does your dad do your hair, too?" Sarah pointed at your hair, which you had braided.

"No, I did it myself. Is it nice?" You let her touch your hair as you answered her.

"It's so beautiful!" She adoringly exclaimed.

"Aw, thank you!" 

You heard the shuffling of the players at the front of the line, starting to move out of the tunnel. 

You held out your hand for Sarah to take. "Are you ready to make your dad proud?" You raised your eyebrows expectantly.

She nodded her head vigorously, moving along by your side. The cheering slowly got louder as you walked out, and when you finally stepped into the field, you felt Sarah's hand gripping you tighter. You placed your other hand on hers, caging her hand between both of yours to let her know that you were there with her. You know it's not easy for a kid to walk out to a full stadium that is overwhelming with shouting and cheering. 

Eventually, everyone was lined up perfectly, side by side, facing the cameras. The children were standing in front of the players, and you placed your hands on Sarah's shoulders, ensuring she was okay. You noticed her looking up towards the suites section when you followed her gaze. She was probably looking at her father, you thought. However, there were so many faces everywhere that you could not search for and focus on just one person. Hell, you did not even know what her father looked like. 

After shaking hands with the opponent team, Sarah and the other kids had to return to the tunnel. Before she went off, she turned to hug you.

"Thank you!" she said while her cheek was pressed in your chest. Her eyes closed as she embraced the moment. You wrapped your arms around her shoulders, swaying her from side to side. 

"Well, aren't you our lucky charm? Just watch because we're gonna win this game for sure."

She grinned from ear to ear, slowly letting go of you. Ugh, it's annoying that she looked so much like someone you know, but you don't know who exactly it was. 

"See you around, you lil angel" You pinched her cheeks before returning to your starting position.

Sarah must have been your lucky charm because your team won that game. Since then, she has always been in your mind whenever you stand in the tunnel before a game. She had quite an impact on you. You never figured out why she looked familiar to you until the day you met her again.

-----

Joel and Sarah were walking hand in hand through the hospital corridor, the unmistakable sterile scent present in the space weighing heavily on their shoulders. The floor was quieter than usual—visiting hours were finishing in a few hours. Sarah was still in her soccer fit from earlier training while her bag was swaying along on Joel's shoulder. Trudging into the wardroom at the end of the hall, Joel let go of Sarah's hand, who ran inside as soon as she saw her great grandma, Nana.

"Nana!" She shouted, rushing towards the bed. 

"Look who it is! My bunny!" Nana excitedly opened her arms, waiting for Sarah's hug.

They stayed embracing each other for a period of time—Sarah pressed her cheek on Nana's shoulder while Nana slowly stroked the back of Sarah's head. Joel witnessed the moment that had been a usual occurrence for him recently.

The first time when he got the call from Tommy on the day Nana was admitted to the hospital, he had almost forgotten how to breathe. His stomach plummeted to the ground-hearing the trembling in Tommy's voice saying Nana could have died if he had been late to come back home from work. He did not know how he got to the hospital with Sarah when his head was clouded with worry. He carried Sarah on his back when they got out of the car and went inside as fast as possible.

It was as if someone had ripped his heart out and left him to bleed out alone when his gaze landed on Nana's lying form on the bed with tubes sticking to her body. Nana was his grandma who literally raised both of the Miller brothers—single-handedly—after her daughter left them in her care. So, to see the person who was very dear to him go through something that horrible—heart failure—altered something deep in him for a while. 

It had been a week since she was admitted, and Joel was still processing that. This was the second time she had to go to the hospital because her condition seemed to worsen over time. He knew he had to prepare for the worst scenario sooner or later, but he was still in denial about it all—he didn't want to let go of his constant. In a way, he didn't want to face his abandonment issues from the women in his life—his mom, you and Talia.

"How are you, Nana?" 

"Never been better." Nana gave Sarah a cheeky wink.

"I saw you on TV yesterday. I'm so proud of you, bunny." Nana leaned in to kiss Sarah on the crown of her head. 

"Did you see her? She was standing with me." Sarah was elated to share her experience as a child mascot with you.

"I did! Did you talk to her?" Nana asked.

"She was so nice, Nana. I like her. I think she's my favourite player now." Sarah's eyes were dreamy as she gushed about you to her great-grandma.

"C'mon now, you change your favourite player every month." Nana's voice was flat as she rolled her eyes jokingly at Sarah

"No I don't," Sarah argued, lying through her teeth. Nana was speaking the truth. Sarah changed her favourite player almost every month according to her mood, but this time it was different. To be physically in the presence of the team and the good impression that you made on her struck a chord in her to choose you as her number one player no matter what.

"Whatever you say, bunny." 

Joel was already sitting beside the bed, listening to his daughter talk about his childhood best friend. For the past 12 years, he had reflected on what had happened throughout high school. It was a terrible experience for him when he looked back on it—chasing popularity, peer pressure, toxic masculinity, and, for the worst part, leaving you alone in your misery when you needed him the most. His apology was long overdue, and he thought he had already lost the chance to speak to you until you returned.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Nana lowered her voice, which made Sarah lean in slightly, curious about the secret. "I've met her as a kid before." This fact made Sarah part her lips in shock, and her eyebrows shot up fast to her forehead. 

"Really?" Sarah's voice was barely louder than a whisper while she stared at Nana.

"Nana—"Joel spoke for the first time to interrupt Nana. He was slightly afraid to let his past and current life crash, not knowing how to handle it if it came to light. 

"She is a friend of your father." Nana ignored his warning and continued to tell Sarah the facts about the past.

"She is? You didn't tell me."  Sarah swiftly turned around to Joel, furrowing her brows, feeling slightly betrayed that her father had known you personally all this while and kept it a secret. 

Joel gave Nana an annoyed look, disappointed that she told Sarah about his connection with you. His jaw tensed before he opened his mouth to explain himself.

"That was a long time ago. We are not friends anymore." That was the best he could say, and he could tell from Nana's expression that she was disappointed in him as she recalled the time she had heard what had happened to you. 

"What happened?" Sarah questioned him, paying full attention to him, hearing the story for the first time.

"She left Austin to play professional soccer, and we didn't talk anymore." He shrugged his shoulders as he explained to Sarah in the simplest terms. If it was laid out on the table, the truth was that he fucked up. He did not want Sarah to know that because he wouldn't be able to handle his daughter's disappointment in him. 

"Was she a nice person back then, too?" Her big round eyes were still lit with curiosity as she learned new facts about her favourite player.

Joel reminisced about the time he spent knowing you with a longing look in his face. His eyes looked out the window by the bed, absentmindedly, as your face came into his mind, hitting him with all kinds of emotions. Your petite hands were in his as the two of you walked together after school, the soft glow on your face from the warm sunlight and your hair flowing tenderly with the breeze. 

"She was," he whispered. A slight curl on one side of his mouth appeared that was not unnoticed by Nana. She had been holding on to the hope that the both of you would make amends someday, and it warmed her heart that the time had finally come closer for it. She missed you a lot. You were like her granddaughter that she never had, not like her mischievous grandsons that gave her headaches. You brought a different kind of joy to her life, and when you told her that you had to leave, both of you were crying in each other's arms. She knew she did not have much time left in this world, and she hoped it wouldn’t be too late to see you again.

-----

— July 2024 —

"You know the drill, right? Just interact with the kids. Watch how they play, give them some advice, and remember to smile. The cameras will follow you around during the shoot." The team's social media manager, Emma, briefed you again as you came into the facility centre to prepare yourself for the shoot.

Filming with kids has always been your favourite. It allows you to stay in touch with your roots and serves as a reminder that there are kids who look up to you, so you have to always set a good example for them. 

"I heard that their parents are here too?" You looked at Emma for confirmation.

"Yes. They are sitting in the stands. It will be a surprise appearance for them as well. After the filming, you will take pictures with the players and their families. Got it?"

"Okay, got it."

You got mic'd up while the filming crew settled everything else. Once they were set, you moved quietly to the training field where the young academy players were having a small match amongst themselves. It stroked a sense of nostalgia in you, seeing them running and kicking with their little limbs. Your heart warmed with the memories of you being in a young girl's team, dreaming of being a soccer star.

You heard some murmuring when you walked past the stands where the parents were, but your focus was fixed on the young players. Walking faster as you neared the sideline, one of the girls spotted you and squealed, causing them to stop their actions. 

You continued walking towards where the coaches were standing, trying to hide the excitement on your face.

Some of them gasped, covering their mouths, not believing that the first team player had come to watch them. 

"Come on, girls! Keep playing!" You clapped your hands, signalling to them to continue playing. 

They looked at each other with smiles still stuck on their faces as they slowly moved their bodies again.

You shook hands with the academy team coaches and manager, who were also glad to see you. They talked to you about the players and the drills they went through, so you got the gist of how they ran things. You did a quick scan of all the players, and one of them stood up to you. That player was Sarah. It had been a few weeks since you met her, and you thought about her more than you know. You were enamoured by her innocence that you don't experience in your daily adult life. Wearing the same hairstyle, the blurry mystery face you cannot put together to match her face appeared in your head. 

Sarah was playing as the right winger. You were impressed with her movements, especially for someone that young. Both of her feet were well balanced; one leg was not significantly stronger than the other, which meant that she had more of an advantage in her dribbling skills. Her focus on the ball once she got the ball controlled was unwavering, and she was not afraid to take her chances at shooting. You saw the massive potential of a player in her and hoped to see her grow as time went by.

As the game continued, you tried your best to watch the other girls, but your eyes followed Sarah. Compared to the rest, she was significantly versatile—being able to defend as well as her attacking skills. Unbeknownst to you, she was slowly gaining your heart even though you had only met her once.

After the game ended, the girls sat together for debriefing; exhaustion was evident on their faces flushed, strands of hair sticking to their sweaty faces, and eyes fixed on the grass below them. The team's manager and coaches said a few words before letting you take the stage. When it was your turn, the girls turned their heads to you as if they forgot you were there momentarily. Having their full attention, you started talking.

"What do y'all feel about the game?" You asked them. 

"Bad." One of the players in the front spoke up, and you later found out that her name was Ellie. 

"Why do you feel that way?" You raised an eyebrow at her, not expecting the quick acknowledgement of your question. 

"Because Sarah overtook me a few times, and that means I sucked at defending today." Her eyebrows furrowed as she explained—displeased with her own mistakes. 

"We all make mistakes sometimes; of course, we feel disappointed when they happen. Even a professional player—like me—makes them. But the mistake is what make us strive to be better. We reflect on it and improve from there." You explained to all of them.

 "And the fact that you are aware of your own mistakes tells me that you are one step closer to being a better player than you were before." You smiled reassuringly to Ellie, liking her boldness in speaking her mind. 

It's ironic that when you were around their age, you were very critical of your own performance—beating yourself up over something so small because you knew your father would never let it go. You never come around to look at things positively until you meet the other professional players—who became your good friends—during your career. 

"Now, tell me what you did good in the game?" You squatted down to be at the same eye level as Ellie. 

Ellie opened her mouth but closed it instantly, unable to think of an answer. Her eyes darting around, away from making eye contact with you. 

"You've had a couple of good long passes to the forwards, and your tackling form is pretty great,"

"Really?" She said softly—not believing what you said. 

"Absolutely! Why would I lie?" Cocking your head to the side, with one brow raised. 

Her cheeks raised slightly, tugging the corners of her mouth into a small smile that she tried to hide from you. 

You spent another 20 minutes answering the girls' questions—how you first started soccer, how you recovered from your bad injury, and even what boots you wore for your games. You took a group photo together before they dispersed to their parents, waiting for you to take pictures with each family. 

You were already halfway done with the team when you spotted Sarah among those in the queue, and you noticed two men standing by her, but it was a quick glance before you were able to take a long look at their faces. The line of players you were taking photos with kept moving slowly as you took your time to get to know each of them properly. 

Once you said goodbye to one of the girls, you saw a small figure rushing towards you in the corner of your eyes. As soon as you turned back around, you felt a pair of arms encasing your waist. You looked down and recognised the same space buns that Sarah had when she was one of the child mascots. She looked up at you, chin resting on your stomach while she portrayed a big grin. You cannot help the adoration that came into view on your face while you hugged her back. 

"Hi, lil angel!" 

"You remember me!" She looked with a mix of surprise and joy on her face.

"How could I forget our lucky charm with this pretty face?" Sarah stared at you with her big, round eyes sparkling with so much admiration that you almost felt guilty for being the subject of that look.

Her grip on you loosened when she turned around, gesturing for-you assumed-her family members to come closer.

"Come and say hi!" She moved away from you to let the two men near you.

Maybe it's the athlete in you that made your eyes move towards their physique first. You noticed they were both almost the same height, taller than you by a couple of inches. Their toned muscles, which were on display for you, seemed to be earned from hard labour instead of the gym. Catching you, scanning their bodies, one of them cleared their throat, making you shift your focus towards him. 

He looked way younger than you—clean-shaven with curly, medium-length hair, passing his ears. You sensed that he had an easygoing and friendly demeanour when he introduced himself.

"Hey, how r' ya?" He sounded nervous but still was able to confidently reach out to shake your hand, with an unexplainable look on his face. 

You returned the handshake with, "Hi, nice to meet you." You cocked your head slightly to the side, sensing the weird awkwardness coming from him. 

You pulled back and looked at him for a moment before glancing at the other man who was standing beside him. You had to do a double take when your gaze landed on that man for a few seconds longer. Your heart suddenly picked up its speed from the recognition. Unexpectedly, a face vaguely reminiscent of your time back in Austin was here. 

Joel fucking Miller—the reason for your happiness in Austin, but he was also the one that injected bitterness in your heart in the last few years in it. 

His face was different than the one you tried to erase 12 years ago, to no avail; you didn't succeed. Time clearly had worn out his face a little bit—the clean-shaven face back then had been filled with scruffy facial hair, creases on the forehead, and noticeable crow's feet by his eyes. Even so, it only enhanced his features to be more attractive than he already was before. 

Joel could not maintain eye contact with you like he used to. You noticed his tensed jaw and darting eyes towards everywhere else except you. He seemed like he wanted to hide in a hole somewhere. Seeing him not in the slightest bit happy to see you again stung you a little. You could not blame him for how he was acting, knowing how bad things were left between you. 

You had long moved past it after going to therapy. As time went by, you saw things from a different perspective, in a more mature way, to understand his position at the time. You took the fact that you won't see him again and did your own healing by trying to forgive him for his immaturity back in the day on your own terms since you were not able to talk openly with him.

Now, he was standing before you, and somehow, you felt relieved to see him after all those years.  

"Do you recognise me?" The younger man asked you, giving an expectant smile as he waited for you.

You turned your head back to him, still speechless from seeing Joel. He could only be that one person. 

"Tommy?" You asked with one brow raised at him.

"Oh! I thought you wouldn't remember my name!" His jaw dropped, and he slowly crept up to a broad smile, a result of the fact that you remembered his name. His hands were rested on his chest from the shock.

"Of course, I remember you. It just took me awhile to recognise you because you look different," you looked at him up and down. "Look at you! You're taller than me now." You gestured at him with your palms opened, waving your hands over his grown body.

"More handsome now, am I right?" He struck a pose, hands bending upwards to point at himself with both thumbs. He sneaked a wink at you, making you jog down memory lane, remembering how his brother winked at you during your younger days. 

You huffed a laugh at his boldness, "I see that you never change." You smirked at Tommy, who had just shrugged his shoulders at your remark.

Your ears perked up when you heard Sarah giggling as she watched your interaction with Tommy. For a moment, you had totally forgotten where and what you were doing while talking with Tommy. You glanced at Sarah briefly before looking at Tommy again.

"She's your daughter?" You asked Tommy.

"Ew, no." Sarah scrunched her face in a disgusted way at Tommy. Tommy rolled his eyes at Sarah; you could tell they had a slight sibling-like relationship. From the realisation of their age, you knew that Sarah could not have been Tommy's daughter. 

"This is my dad!" She told you proudly as she slid her hand into Joel's. 

Your eyes slowly moved up to see Joel staring at you with an unreadable gaze. You used to be able to tell what he was thinking just by looking at him, but the time apart had faded your ability to do so. 

You did not know that he had a daughter. You wouldn't have known because you had cut off contact with him and the people who had wronged you after you left. After a few years, when you had moved on with the past, you were tempted to know how he was doing, but you did not bother to do anything about it, afraid of what feelings might come to the surface.

You wondered who Sarah's mom was, and guessing her age, you assumed that Talia might have been the one. Talia was the cause of your nightmare in high school. Thinking about what she did always made your blood simmer with hatred. You could forgive Joel, but Talia was that mean bitch that would take you so much longer to make peace with. With Sarah coming around, you assumed that Joel must have made her his wife, and it almost made the food that was processed in your stomach come back up your throat.

"I-I didn't know that," you tried to hide your surprise but the way your voice strained at the start was obvious to anyone. Your eyes went back and forth between him and Sarah. Finally, you could see the unmistakable similarities between them as they stood side by side. 

You squatted down in front of Sarah, gazing up at her with newfound adoration. "So you're a Miller, huh?" A soft smile on your face as you stated the information that you had just learned.

"Sarah Miller," she nodded her head.

"Well, I should have asked for your last name. You looked so familiar when I saw you that time," you tilted your head as you slowly traced her face with your eyes.

"I did?" She looked up at Joel for a few seconds, and you followed her gaze. Joel was standing still, eyes darting between you and Sarah. 

"I'm way prettier, though." She blurted out after turning back to you.

You involuntarily snorted, hearing her comparison with Joel. "Of course you are," you beamed at her confidence which she definitely did not inherit from her dad, "but you both have the same distracting smile." 

"What does that mean?" She furrowed her brows.

"It means that you have a beautiful smile, just like your dad when he was your age." You gently poked her cheeks with your index fingers, which made her smile.

Both of you were smiling to each other when Emma reminded you to quickly take the pictures. You stood up and held your hand out at Sarah, who gladly took it to follow you, standing in front of the camera.

"Okay, what serious pose do you wanna do?" 

Sarah crossed her arms without hesitation and puffed out her chest as best she could. She lifted her chin up, pursing her lips with knitted brows to seem fierce. You smirked at her actions, finding her adorable, before striking the same pose beside her. 

The second one was a fun pose. She had you piggyback her, and the two of you were laughing as the photographer caught the moment. Your eyes flicked at Joel and Tommy, who were looking on behind the photographer. Joel was staring at you with a forlorn look, which you did not miss before he tensed up when he caught you looking at him. 

"Good. Now, with the family." The photographer said, turning to Joel and Tommy.

The Miller brothers stepped forward to stand beside you, one on each side. Sarah was standing in front of you with your hands on her shoulders. Your heart started to beat faster as Joel came near you. He put a certain distance between you both when he stood beside you. 

"Closer, please." The photographer gestured with one hand at Joel and ordered him to stand closer towards you. 

Joel reluctantly took a step closer, which resulted in his arm brushing against yours. That made you stand still as you felt tingles running up your arms to your neck. Sarah turned her head slightly from the instinctive tightening grip of your hands on her shoulders. You relaxed your hands in a flash when you realised that you could have hurt her. 

"One, two, three!" The photographer raised his voice slightly, and you heard the camera clicking away. He stopped and lowered the camera, not satisfied with your expression.

"You gotta smile," He portrayed his own smile, looking at you and Joel. 

You turned your head to glance at Joel, and you saw him looking at you from the corner of his eyes when he noticed your movement. In an instant, you looked back at the front to see that the photographer was ready to continue taking photos. This time, you smiled without fail. 

Once it was done, Sarah turned around to say goodbye. You bent down slightly with open arms, and she gladly reached around you to snuggle against your chest. With warmth enveloping your heart, you closed your eyes and rested your chin on her head, taking in the sweet moment with her.

Tommy looked at both of you with eyes representing relief. He remembered you fondly because he regarded you as his older sister. You had come over to the house often to play with him and, oftentimes, look after him when Joel was not around. Unlike his older brother, you were gentle and kind to him. He was 11 when you left, and it broke his heart that his caring older sister was moving away. He blamed Joel for it for a while and showed resentment towards him. He heard rumours about what had happened from the kids in the neighbourhood who went to the same high school as you and Joel. He didn't know the truth of it all until he was grown enough to learn about the whole story from Joel.  

Tommy took a peek at Joel, who was standing beside you. He could tell that Joel had missed you too, even though he had not said it out loud for the past 12 years. He did not have to because with one look in his eyes, Tommy could feel his longing. He knew that his brother still felt guilty about what had happened, but all that he wanted was that the both of you could make up for it because he missed his family before the emotional hurricane happened. 

You cleared your throat from the awkwardness after Sarah held her dad's hand again.

"So, y'all heading straight home after this?" You tried to find the courage to look at Joel, who was already staring at you but failed to do so, finding comfort in Tommy instead.

"We're going to the hospital to visit Nana," Sarah blurted out which made you snapped your head towards her with a frown on your face.

"Sarah—"Joel quickly

"Nana is in the hospital?" Your voice was high-pitched when you took in the new information. You were still frowning when you shifted your gaze to Joel.

"You don't need to worry about it." Joel tried to dismiss it, but you were obviously not satisfied with his answer.

"What happened to Nana?" You took a step closer to him, which caused him to instinctively move a step away from you.

"Nothing." He avoided looking at you and gripped Sarah's hand tighter, pulling her away to escape. You stood there, watching him leave.

Tommy hesitated to move as he witnessed what had just happened. He touched the side of your arms to lessen your worry. Then, reaching into his pocket, he took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to you.

"There's my number in there, so feel free to call anytime. You can ask me about anything, and I will try my best to answer it. I miss you, sis. It's great to see you again." Teary-eyed, Tommy opened his arms slightly, wanting to hug you after 12 long years.

You welcomed him by wrapping his neck with your arms, tip-toeing slightly from his height. His grip around you was tight as he swayed you from side to side. 

"I miss you too, baby boy," you whispered in his ears, tears lingering on the edge of your eyes.

"I'm not a baby," he argued with an annoyed tone, just like when he was younger, fighting that he was just a boy and not a baby.

"You're still a baby to me." You pulled back with a tight-lipped smile, not wanting to cry, while you looked at his 24-year-old face. 

Tommy let you go and returned to a mischievous look, "Call me, okay?" You nodded. "I'll see you around." He winked before jogging away to catch up with his brother and niece.   

next part

[hattersarts]

gomens s2 thoughts, all spoilers!

I spent 10 hours talking to my housemate about the season after we binged the whole thing in the morning but here are the highlights and the biggest takeaways from the season.

okay i did love the ending, i love that we get the conformation of love AND going into the divorce arc next season (if they're not properly together by the end of season 3 however, i am rioting) they're slow burn and a whole season of them getting to the final 10mins was tasty.

HOWEVER. it was an extremely clunky season when it comes to writing, lots of either set ups missed OR set ups repeated 4 times that they're drilled into out heads. there was also lots of dialogue that really needed to be tightened up. the lesbians were so poorly written i thought they might have needed to be cut BUT they just needed to have more bearing on the rest of the plot AND say things like real people would say things and LITERALLY SHOW ONE SINGLE REASON WHY THEY WOULD LIKE EACH OTHER WITHIN THE FIRST EPISODE.

gabe/bulz romance was the one that should have been cut, have them do more of a oh-my-god-my-boss-sucks kind of thing, lean into them complaining about having to avert a civil war after armageddon stopped and touch on the "structural problems" the angels mention later. Have gabe/bulz be super punished for working together which puts huge fear into az and crowley about what happens if you try to team up as an angel/demon pair (but an extra reason why az takes the job at the end so he and crowley can be the same)

imo it works more if the only mirror of their romance is the HUMANS which should lean into themes to season 3 of how they need to team up with humans (re:"us vs them" line at the end of season 1) to actually achieve their happy ending.

Nina and maggies best scene was their last one telling crowley he needed to talk to az but i think that was one that needed to be cut, it would have been far more satisfying to have crowely work out it out himself that he loves az and wants to tell him (still via maggie and nina but more subtle rather than them telling him to his face AND via spending more time with az in the season)

flashbacks were all pretty good, loved the jobe one and that final "lonely" scene. the nazi one needed some trimming the most (why did all three come back to earth, it made scenes too crowed, have them fight to be a zombie)

shax was disappointing, she was kind of just incompetent the whole way through which didnt make the stakes very exciting, (that whole scene of her talking to the legion was unfunny and pointless) i wanted crowley to mentor her more like when he gave her advice in the first few meetings we saw (kind of in a very non-demonic way, not expecting anything in return) and her to then meet him on equal footing in the finale. would have been a little accidental taste for Crowley to have his good deeds come back to haunt him while showing he's different to demons.

speaking of the finale fight, that halo had NO set up, it was sick as hell but ??? the fuck did that come from. the fight should have been won by az and crowley performing another HUGE miracle together, discorporating the demons (which then would alert heaven and hell something was up in the bookshop and the final scene can happen)

az taking the job from metatron was very good, its consistent with his character where he still hasn't let go of his faith in good/god, he's only been upset by the angels running heaven and still has faith in the system while crowley has realised none of it works and it's only them together that matters. it was nice to show he still hasn't truly accepted crowley for who he is now (tho imo he knows he loves him, he just hasn't quite unrepressed himself) and him not turning down the job after crowley confesses to him shows he still thinks he can fix it. Crowley on the other hand thinks he's now lost him, az has broken he the trust he had in him, he's going to be in big depression mode

few thoughts of good directions for S3:

finally delivering on what crowley said at the end of S1 I think is the most satisfying. the final showdown should be humans Vs heaven/hell with Crowley and az on the human side, helping them win the conflict. there would be suggestions that this is actually god's ineffable plan, this is a conflict she wants to happen and the things that Crowley and az went through are what make them perfect ambassadors to help the humans.

the set up for az in S3 to finally work out he and Crowley can't work out within the unfair rules of the system and for him to abandon heaven (tho not I think, becoming a demon) is good. a sucky ending imo for season 3 is if az somehow "fixes" heaven and via bureaucracy and not via blowing it all up.

growth moments for Crowley in S3 might be having more contact with humans since he's already abandoned hell and it would put az & crowley on similar footing (as az very much loves humans already) when they decided to side with humans for a humans Vs heaven/hell conflict.

anyway, gay people

[coraniaid]

OK, so, for context:

I don't like Agent Riley Finn, at all. He is one of my least favorite characters in Buffy, by quite some distance. I hated him even before the events of Season 5, and I only continued to hate him afterwards. I think the show would be significantly improved if his character had never been introduced. I think Whedon's idea that Buffy and Riley represent the show's one "happy and healthy relationship" is nonsensical.

I don't like As You Were. It's arguably Doug Petrie's worst episode (well, worst so far, anyway: let's not forgive him for his Season 7 episodes just yet).

I don't even really like Season 6 much (certainly not as much as so many people on Tumblr pretend to do). I think the concept of the season is very good but the execution is often decidedly lacking. It is not a season I often feel the urge to rewatch.

But, that being said, I'll confess it is somewhat bizarre to see so many people reblogging a post that says As You Were would have been improved if Riley showed up contrite and humble and openly ashamed of his [yes, unquestionably terrible and indefensible] actions in Season 5, or that the episode is one last attempt by the writers to force the audience to like him. To me, that is just ... obviously not true. I don't even see how it could be true.

As You Were is barely about Riley Finn at all. It's about Buffy. Specifically it's about what most of Season 6 is about: Buffy being miserable and depressed, struggling with bills and a soul-crushing mininum wage job, resenting her friends for having brought her back to life, romanticizing her past and (wrongly) convinced that she somehow 'came back wrong'. Riley is only in the episode to further that aim.

So, yes, the episode ignores all of Riley's [very real, very irritating, very hard to forgive] flaws and past failings and instead presents him as a dashing and attractive ex-boyfriend; as the perfect guy who somehow got away. Yes, it focuses on how much Buffy's own fortunes have declined since they broke up. Yes, Buffy is meant to find him attractive and be sad that he's married to somebody else already. Yes, the show deliberately sets up Riley as being competent and put together and high status while Buffy herself is none of these things. But this isn't because the writers are somehow trying to trick you into liking Riley (it would obviously be a very stupid and ineffective way to do that if it were! it demonstrably doesn't actually make anybody who didn't like Riley change their mind! why assume that it is trying to?). It is because this is how Buffy sees things herself.

The episode is about Buffy first, and Riley ..., not even third. He is a plot device. Just as in Season 3's Gingerbread (when Joyce is possessed and tries to burn Buffy at the stake as part of her campaign to cleanse Sunnydale of all things supernatural), or Helpless (when Giles puts his loyalty to the Council above Buffy's own safety and well-being), in As You Were Riley exists primarily to tell us something about Buffy. In Season 3, Buffy was afraid that being a Slayer would ruin her relationship with her mother and that Giles didn't really want to be the replacement father figure she clearly wanted him to be, and those episodes have her fears come true. Both Joyce and Giles act in pretty repellent (and arguably out-of-character) ways in their respective episodes, but those actions are justified in that they are consistent with Buffy's own view of the world. You could replace both of them with nightmare versions of their characters (like Hank Summers in Season 1's Nightmares) and both episodes would play out the same way (and have the same glaring lack of follow-up in later episodes).

So too in As You Were. The writers are probably more sympathetic to Riley than the average Tumblr user in 2024, but they don't particularly care if you like Riley or not. He's not been in the show for a year and after this he's never going to be in it again. This isn't about him. What is important is that Buffy herself misses Riley and her relationship with him: not necessarily because Riley was so great [again, he wasn't: Riley sucks] but because he's a part of her older life that she wishes she could go back to. A time when she had a 'normal' relationship and was still in college (and doing well academically!) and her mom was still alive and things seemed to be going well for her. Because she misses the version of Buffy that she used to be. (Who exactly are we supposed to think the 'you' of As You Were refers to? I don't think it's Agent Finn...)

Sure, I'd personally think better of Riley Finn as a person if he showed up looking sheepish and told Buffy he was sorry for how badly he behaved in Season 5 and he said he'd fund all her future bills and help her get back into college before dedicating the rest of his life to campaigning against both missionary work and US-backed (para)military actions in South and Central America. I'd think better of Joyce if she'd ignored the two demon kids only she could see and supported her real daughter better, too. Or of Giles if he hadn't ever gone along with the plan of hypnotizing and drugging a teenage girl he'd sworn to take care of and protect and who, less than a year earlier, he'd promised his unconditional "support and respect".

But Riley being a decent human being and making Buffy feel better about herself wouldn't make As You Were a "better" episode. It would make it a completely different episode, one that belonged in a completely different season. It would make it something that was utterly at odds, tonally and thematically, with the version of Season 6 that actually exists. This is not a season where nice things happen to Buffy, and if you think it should be I honestly don't think you like the story the season is trying to tell very much.

As You Were is not primarily "the episode where Riley comes back" (in which the writers then decided to talk about how great Riley was with the aim of making the fans like him while Buffy ends up feeling like shit and being embarrassed about how her own life is going as some sort of collateral damage). It is an episode where Buffy continues to feel like shit and be embarrased about how badly her life is going (and, in order to further Buffy's arc, this time Riley is there too to make her feel worse).

Do I think that it works to have Riley fill the role he does in this episode? Well, no, not really. Like I said at the top of this post, I don't like Riley and I don't enjoy seeing him on my television screen. Into The Woods' awful ending makes me pretty angry and it is a shame we never got any pushback on the idea that Buffy "letting Riley go" was a mistake. Riley wasn't ever the perfect boyfriend As You Were has Buffy remember him as. This isn't one of the better episodes of Season 6. But an improved version of the episode wouldn't have Riley act like a better person. That more palatable, more fan-friendly version of Riley just isn't compatible with the story the show is telling. An improved version of the episode that was still trying to tell the same fundamental story wouldn't have Riley Finn in it at all.

[thecheekyblog]

It’s November Darling!

As it get colder, we get cozier. It is a time to slow down and re-arrange our routine to the new season upon us.

As the day get shorter, we have less time and energy to by that proactive bitch that we were all summer/fall.

I realized real quick that my body was not as energetic as it has been few weeks ago. It is almost impossible to get myself out of bed and i need to find ways to fight that seasonal depression.

Here are few way to still be a bad bitch even when it gets colder!

Dealing with seasonal depression can be challenging, but there are several strategies that might help:

1. Light Therapy: Consider using a light therapy box. These devices mimic natural sunlight and can help improve mood. Basically you need sum sun honey! Get sum light, something to get them rays in!

2. Stay Active: Regular exercise can boost your mood and energy levels. A bad bitch is a fit bitch okay. YouTube will be your bestie. I have started yin yoga since it is more gentle but I still get my 10k step in and try to do at least a 30 min workout a day 4-5 days a week.

3. Get Outside: Try to spend time outdoors, especially during daylight hours. It is nice to be at home, but I believe fresh air and being with nature from time to time can change your whole mood for the better. If you don’t believe me, believe science .

4. Maintain a Routine: Keeping a consistent daily schedule can provide structure and stability. I have a nice routine, like your skin care routine, workout, just do a new planner that fits that new season.

5. Connect with Others: WE DO NOT ISOLATE! Reach out to friends and family. Give love and receive it in return. Catching my friends is all the therapy in need in life.

6. Healthy Diet: Burger and fries wont cut it during this season. Our metabolism is slowing down so it is important to eat a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. It can impact your mood positively.

7. Mindfulness and Relaxation: It is all about slowing down while remaining active. Practices like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing can help reduce stress and improve your emotional state.

8. Vitamin D: Some people find that taking vitamin D supplements helps, especially in areas with long winters and little sunlight.

9. Engage in Hobbies: Focus on activities you enjoy to keep your mind engaged and uplifted. Good examples are like Journaling, making art maybe even learning how to make nails

Winter arc is still in full effect! Let’s not give up and stay focus baddies! We got this babies.

[ryttu3k]

Thoughts on Space Babies and The Devil's Chord, in no particular order:

So we agree that the overarching storyline for this season is stories becoming real, yeah? Starts with invoking folklore at the end of the universe, is solidified with the Toymaker and his rules of play, used heavily in The Church on Ruby Road, and now children's fairytales and musicals? Fascinated to see where this is going!

Generally ridiculously camp and bonkers and you know what, I goddamn missed that. It had whimsy. It had space babies and musical battles! It was fun and ridiculous and just. Felt good, man.

And it also had far-future dystopias and reproductive horror and slow starvation and suffocation and refugees and a timeline of depression and nuclear winter simply to create the universe's biggest aeolian harp so, you know. Doctor Who is back, baby!

Space Babies

Okay the episode was pretty fun and, at times, sweet (they saved the monster!) but oy the CGI/voice acting for the babies was… not great XD;;

Rani reference!

RTD detractors: "Ew, fart jokes with the Slitheen, so immature." RTD, writing an elaborate snot joke that ends with a colossal projectile shart: "Watch this :D"

Okay yes the projectile shart to get the space station moving is one thing, but, uh. How is it going to stop? XD;;

The nanny filter made me giggle each time.

I actually had to go back and check because I was squinting at the readout trying to work out what's weird and somehow failed a spot check and missed the fact that it had started snowing. Good observational skills, self. Anyway, the snow is definitely a Message. (Is it snow? Like I agree that it's connected with the day Ruby was born, but is what's falling in the church scene snow to begin with?)

Do you. Do you think the butterfly can regenerate now.

The Devil's Chord

Oooh, a Pantheon! Love a Pantheon. There's mention of the One Who Waits, speculation on whether 'the Oldest One' was there the day Ruby was born, we already have the Toymaker -> Maestro line, so maybe we'll be getting others? Also, the way Maestro phrased something earlier was fascinating too - "the Lord Temporal who sealed my father in salt". The Lord Temporal. There's been a lot of references to how the Doctor isn't just a Time Lord, maybe they're part of the Pantheon too, as the personification of time? Regeneration and Time Lord society all coming from this base primordial being?

Anyway I goddamn adore Maestro.

I wonder if we'll get Susan at the end of this season? (See: last link of this section!)

July 2024? So that's a good six months of travelling unaccounted for! Big Finish just going 👀

Semi-related but Ruby saying she was born in 2004 gave me a Crisis. Rose was 19 in 2005 and born the same year as me. Yeah okay I am good with that! Martha born in either 1986 or 1984, yep, fine, all checks out. But now there's a companion who was born when I was already an adult how is that legal.

"He ripped my soul in two." Oof.

The sonic actually did something sonic!

"I thought it was non-diegetic!!" I have so many questions. The walls are getting thin. Yeah, especially the fourth! (Random thought: Doctor Who official ARG?)

Lennon-McCartney saves the world! (I still like Harrison's stuff better.)

Apparently Murray Gold had a cameo but I have no idea what he looks like so it went completely over my head lmao

Missed opportunity to play The Devil Went Down To Georgia or The Devil's Trill, although we did get Danse Macabre and Rhapsody in Blue (which I put on as soon as the episode finished)!

Fun fact about Danse Macabre: "The solo violin enters playing the tritone, which was known as the diabolus in musica ("the Devil in music") during the Medieval and Baroque eras, consisting of an A and an E♭—in an example of scordatura tuning, the violinist's E string has actually been tuned down to an E♭ to create the dissonant tritone." (People hated it when it premiered. It made them feel anxious. Which is... kind of appropriate.)

There's always a twist at the end~ (I thought it was little H.Arbringer, but who knows?)

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[questionablespecies]

I finally got around to watching the show Barry, and it is NOT what I was expecting at ALL. Spoilers for if you haven't watched it.

I knew it was a dark comedy about a for-hire killer who wanted to be an actor - like, yeah, silly, goofy hi-jinks with graphic depictions of death with some serious tones off and on

BUT LIKE???? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD FULLY LEAN INTO THE DARK???

Like by the time you get to, what, season 3 when Barry finally gets caught and goes to prison, he becomes like a different person. He fully leans into the anger, the deception, the narcissism, the delusion - all things we've been seeing hints of throughout the whole show, but they always were essentially explained away because we're also constantly watching Barry TRY to do the right thing when things simply fuck up 90% of the time.

It's amazing to watch this flip from like...protagonist who has been trying to turn his life around and never having the courage to do it, never really having a strong voice, and being easily manipulatable to someone who literally only cares about, essentially, himself and his wants and needs and needs people to fit into the mold of his life. I don't know if the change happened because of all the stuff he's been through, or if he's emulating the people around him - because let's be real, Barry consistently surrounded himself with people who only thought about themselves and him second, if at all (except for Hank, who had his own dark arc which was SUPER SAD to see).

Like season 3 was depressing and season 4 even MORE depressing because you've seen this man go from loveable to....idek a stranger? Cold? Calculated?

Anyway definitely NOT what I was expecting and it's a REALLY GOOD SHOW but fuck man??? lol

[doubleddenden]

Second review of the 3 anime finale on Toonami: Rick and Morty the Anime

I will preface this by saying (and I humbly ask for no personal attacks on this) that I honestly do not like normal Rick and Morty to begin with.

Don't read if you don't vibe with that. RnM fans tend to be very... extra, in some regards, taking too much after Rick- so that's the warning, you'll be in for a bad time if you like the base show and wanna read further.

The reasons I dislike regular RnM is because the art style is gross and ugly for the sake of being gross and ugly, and the writing reeks of depressed nihilistic cynicism that shits all over any character that dares to want something normal or even happy, and the comedy writing is just not really that funny beyond a couple of jokes. I hate Rick- I have seen episodes, multiple before, and I just can NOT stand him. "Oh great you didn't know this very impossible to know thing and now you fucked up, great, real classy, you should feel bad and or kys" or "I personally don't like you and I'm going to make it the multiverse's and my family's problem" are not traits I find admirable (and no, he doesn't really get much better, he's still an asshole no matter how much development he gets). The family isn't really much better tbh and all hate each other, something I hate about modern adult cartoons including the ugly art style and grossness just to be gross. That's just my opinion, I get that people like the show (it's been renewed for like a seasons 8, 9, 10, and 11 already), but I honestly cannot grasp it.

So why watch the anime? Well, it was on Toonami, may as well, and I thought with different writers it might be different too. I did mildly enjoy some of the tone shift from one of the other anime shorts, which made Rick vaguely less of an asshole and more like someone that actually cares about his family beyond how they personally benefit him- so I wanted to give it a shot.

Its............ it's uh..... well, it happened. I think I can say that. That's not good or bad. Just... yeah. Mid.

There's a severe tonal shift from (badly written) adult comedy with an ugly art style that thinks "Morty, we gotta fight the Dick Clenchers of Splotchulon 5, Morty, you'll never guess why they're called that, Morty, its- it's because they clench your dick, Morty. Now help me work on my shit machine that shits actual shit" is funny, to something that REALLY tries to take itself super seriously with a ton of angst and drama- like if Family Guy (also hate it) suddenly tried to make a live action season without its bad comedy and references and instead decided to make a dramatic, murder mystery plot line over a season without a SINGLE joke or flashback, played completely seriously. In other words, it is really unsettling to see a show so disingenuous try to be genuine, but just come across as weird and off putting.

And while I can say I didn't hate some of the aspects of it, I can't say I really enjoyed or understood most of it either. Elle is a pretty fun character for a bit, but doesn't really have much personality beyond being in love with Morty and being some kind of time perceiver. The other characters are also weirdly characterized to be less consistent with their regular counterparts- I mean there's still a couple of moments where Rick is an asshole to Morty or Jerry or where Summer is vaguely a bitch like usual, but otherwise they may as well be completely different characters. I guess the canon material would allow this as an AU in the multiverse, but it's still... weird. Very weird. I would prefer anime Rick over real Rick because again, he's LESS of an asshole and kind of mysterious- but mid overall.

The plot is also weird and overly complex for what it's supposed to be. I mean it's better than a plot device powered by an infinite wall of tortured Morties, but we're talking about some sections that confuse me so much, that Kingdom Hearts makes more sense to me.

I wish I could say the animation and art style were better, but this is like saying a piece of stained printer paper is better than a dirty toilet. The animation is just blocky, and the characters transition weirdly to this style- like it's an anime, but they want to maintain the gross art style of the original in a vague way. Elle is actually just fine and looks cute in both her versions, but she is also directly created for this series and isn't adapted for anything. Idk I know I'm an outsider and some RnM fan is really tempted to tell me to kms over that, but hear me out on this: if your thing is to make an ugly American cartoon into an anime, maybe try making it look genuine instead of weird and off putting. I mean, it worked for the Simpsons Death Note episode.

Personally, I feel like this anime was just made as a way to get around the Writer's Strike from last year. In fact, I half expected from this episode or a future one for the real series to look at this and be like "oh yeah, that'll show the writers to demand a fair wage. Good thing that's not canon, right? Looks like shit. " it does not feel like anybody's best work and serves more like a fan's overly angst filled AU.

Well anyway, a 5/10 feels fine. Mid as fuck.

[kutputli]

Ted Lasso 3x11 - The Point and Laugh Edition

Like I said before, this is the Ja Schadenfreude Zone, so I am being entirely smug about the writers messing up the white characters, after having sat through three seasons of them fucking up the non-white ones. (Does this mean that they are not racist, merely incompetent? No, no it does not. They are both racist and incompetent. Both. Both is good.jpg)

I'll talk about Nathan's ridiculous arc, but I do want to take a moment to actually talk about Jamie because - I actually did enjoy the slow growth and evolution of his character, and he was an amusing piece of the ensemble that I was fond of. And the show really had done a good job of slowly and consistently building his evolution.

Why would they fuck that up?! It genuinely baffles me.

Playing Jamie breaking down in tears for laughs was just a horrible choice. There are moments when you can flip on a dime from humour to pathos, but those moments are mostly when something new is introduced, something the viewer did not know that gives a different meaning to the action. But we already knew Jamie was depressed. Roy already knew Jamie was depressed. Are we supposed to laugh at his breakdown? When Roy did not? What the fuck reaction were the writers and director looking for?

And then following that up with Jamie has an Oedipus-ly hot mom (and both Roy and Keeley Noticed) is... what does that add to the story? How does it help the characters with their arc? If you want to go there, fucking Go There.

All of which was to, what - build to Ted Lasso telling Jamie Tartt to forgive his dad for his own well-being?

Yikes dude.

Anyway, none of it made any sense. The reason people ask for authenticity in stories set in the real world is not for verisimilitude, but because it grounds the characters. This show has just completely unmoored itself from the world we live in, and when it does that, the characters become unmoored too. Why is Jamie's mom still living in his childhood home? Why does Ted Lasso still live in a flat with only one bed if he's had his son over to visit for weeks? Why would the manager of the most successful team in the Premier League not get job offers from other teams?

Yeah ok, so Nathan huh?

It's just - this writing is so fucking stupid. It leads to ridiculous scenes like Colin and Isaac and Will staring at Nathan and him staring back. In Taste of Athens. Unable to reference any of the history these people have had with each other because Ted Lasso does not believe in talking about the past unless its a folksy story involving scatological references.

I can actually buy Nathan taking up any job at all to stay busy, because that's Lloyd Shelley's work ethic showing up, where you're a failure if you're not employed, but I absolutely cannot buy that no other team would solicit him. Unless he's been blackmouthed, sorry, whitemouthed, as a fraud and a danger, in which case - that's a huge racism related story to tell.

And then the whole 50 page apology letter and the haha trapped in the office video and Beard sharing his Ted is Jesus story and its all just - where is the logic?

Addiction is not Bullying in the workplace and Racist microaggressions. Beard's story deserves its own attention, because trying to maintain relationships with people who are recovering addicts is a hugely important story to tell, and neither carceral punishment nor limitless forgiveness are appropriate responses to the damage that addiction can do. Nathan's story deserves its own attention - workplace cultures, racism, property damage (if you want to get into that fucking sign) - all of them deserve to be talked about.

But Ted Lasso the show doesn't want to talk about issues. It wants to talk about only Ted Lasso the character and his moments of Jesus-as-interpreted-by-white-modern-Christians. (Frankly, a little more Jesus as the angry activist in the Temple of Jerusalem would be a welcome break, in this economy).

And as a result of this monomaniacal focus, even the floppy cock of a redemption narrative falls flat. Because it has not been earned by any any of the characters at fault. It has only been granted on high, to prove the moral superiority of Ted.

And it's not even a particularly endearing Ted. The man himself comes across like a bowl of stale cornflakes in lukewarm milk that's been left out on the table for too long. Everyone, including the narrative, is doing the work for him, from Nathan in season 1 to Keeley in season 3 because… what, Rebecca is now too cheap to pay for a therapist to be on call for the team? What is the point of making Sarah Niles a regular if you couldn't use her? What is the point of showing Roy and Keeley spending two seasons learning how to communicate with each other for them to suddenly only be able to use their words to be the Pinkertons Agents for Jamie?

Look, a callback is only as good as its execution. Many fans have been scouring each frame for clues in the belief that these are tightly plotted arcs where everything is going to have some additional meaning in a later episode. It is true that not everything is about race.

But when a show fails as badly as this one has at treating race as the powerful force of characterisation, that is a symptom of the problem that the writers are not capable of truly thoughtful storytelling. And that is what makes this third season so weak.

We all knew that Nathan was going to be 'redeemed'. Most of us predicted that Ted would return to Kansas and Nathan to Richmond because that was the logical outcome of the values the show has been espousing. (And I alone predicted that Ms Kake would be the downfall of Rupert because I am a vicious critic of the show but I am also an observant analyser of it dammit).

It was how these storylines were going to be presented that mattered. And that is where the show has failed. It is not kind to the characters to ignore their wounds and their motivations. It is not kind to actors who have dug deep into their characterisation to ham it up as comic relief. It is not kind to the audience to ask them to selectively remember the past. It is not kind to people in pain from mental health issues and structural oppressions to flippantly solve all problems with an anecdote and a white man's forgiveness.

This is not a show which is actually kind, and it is a show that keeps telling everyone it is.

(I said this was the Point and Laugh post, but I guess… I'm just feeling too bummed out by the end of writing all this out to laugh. Perhaps that is kindness? No, I think it's just apathy.)

[dusty-daydreams]

I'm not quite sure how Colin proposing with his mothers ring undermines his arc this season, or how it means he's still copying his brothers?

I think Anthony's failed engagement has little to do with his decision to use it. It's most likely because it symbolises his parents love, which he has the right to celebrate just as much as Anthony since they are his parents as well. Him finally finding 'himself' doesn't mean he isn't entitled to anything from his past.

I've carried my mothers wedding and engagement ring with me since she died, which was very young as well. I've never once considered it cursed. It keeps me connected to her. It symbolises to me that no matter how long its been since I last saw her, she will ALWAYS have a place in my past, my present, and my future.

I don't say this to be combative, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but as someone who has lost both parents and raising a younger sibling, it will never sit right with me how people act like Anthony is the only bridgerton who has a right to that trauma.

You are totally right Anon! And I respect you and your personal story of your mother’s ring - and of course you shouldn’t consider it cursed. I am sorry if the flippant way we were talking about Violet’s ring upset you.

I also agree that Colin has the right to remember his father and his parents love as he enters his marriage, and if that was the story in a vaccum I would think it’s sweet.

Hell if these were real people and I heard the story of a parents engagement ring, that a son was using - I’d find it sweet even if I also heard about the story of the older brother using it in a failed engagement.

My issue is that this isn’t real and if it were to happen it wouldn’t be in a vaccum. No it is the writers making the decisions on what to do with these characters and it was the writers decision to take Colin’s “glow up” for his season and take it to mean he needed to be more like his brothers.

It was the writers who decided that to make Colin a leading man they had to make him sexually experienced, and it was the writers (producers etc. etc) who decided to paper over that choice with a narrative of Colin trying to be like his brothers and other society men and struggling with it because it didn’t feel like him.

In that pattern (which I see, but I understand that other people see differently) it isn’t that Colin is giving his love interest his mother’s engagement ring, it is that Colin is following once again in his brother’s ill-judged footsteps.

Which again is just my opinion and analysis and everyone is truly entitled to their own opinion about it.

I will say, respectfully, that I am slightly annoyed by the implication that my opinions on this leaked engagement ring plot is being taken as evidence that I think only Anthony’s grief and trauma over his father’s death counts.

I just feel like I have been pretty vocal about how much I think the trauma of Papa Bridgerton’s death and Violet Bridgerton’s depression impacted ALL of the kids in different ways.

The ways that it parentified Anthony, Daphne and Benedict. The ways in which Gregory and Hyacinth likely feel disconnected from Violet as their parent.

And also the ways in which I think it left Colin feeling a bit lost and without a true masculine figure in his life to guide him.

And I think I have been reasonable vocal that one of my gripes with the show is that they don’t write the family dynamic consistently - including in the way that they seem to only explore Anthony’s dead parent trauma and don’t seem interested in exploring that about anyone else.

I hope you don’t feel like I am being antagonistic towards you- because that is truly not my intention, I just hope you understand my perspective a bit better

[morb-untamed]

9 people you want to get to know better tag

I've been tagged by my lovely friend @tavyliasin, and I will answer to the best of my ability (and keep everything bg3 related) hehehe

Three ships:

Karlach/Shadowheart: I just love their interactions so much and I feel like they can make each other better!

Lae'zel/Wyll: I really like the 'mean person gets with the best person ever' trope, and I feel like Wyll, after some time, has the ability to soften Lae'zel's heart~

Astarion/Gale: There's some real enemies to lovers potential in this one and I like that!

First ship: My first Tav was Tarei, and I pretty much had created a personality for her as soon as I finished the character creator. And I pretty much shipped her with Halsin as soon as I got to know him. Little did I know how hard I would go on this ship.

Last Song: Blood // Water by Grandson

Last Movie: Dune part II!

Currently Reading: I'm sporadically reading fics when I have the brainpower to do so!

Currently Watching: I am not really watching anything actively at the moment, I am mostly awaiting for new seasons of series to drop while I have a looonngg list of anime and other series I still mean tow watch.

Currently Eating: I'm quite full, but I did just come back from a Pathfinder session and I had some nachos while there~

Currently Craving: For myself to duplicate in multiples so I can do everything I want to do at the same time. I have too many hobbies :')

Favourite colour: While my wardrobe consists of black and I am, in fact, a goth, my most favorite color is pink! Preferably pastel pink~

Favourite flavour: I am a glutton, so I like a lot! But I am a huge fan of cheese, milk chocolate, watermelon, vanilla, strawberry, and sour candy flavors! I have quite a sweet tooth.

Current obsession: Baldur's Gate 3, of course! But I am also really into Fallout and Red Dead Redemption again hehe

Last thing I googled: Pathfinder 23 Titan Swing (I was checking up on a feat)

Favourite season: I like spring and autumn, and cannot choose between the two! Spring because the sun starts shining, nature starts coming back to life and countless of beautiful flowers start blooming, and it marks the end of my seasonal depression. And I like autumn because it is getting colder so I can cuddle up and be cozy with my cat and boyfriend and not sweat my tits off at all times. And I like the rain, and the way the trees start turning into these beautiful warm colors.

Skill I’d like to learn: There is *way* too much I'd still like to learn! But right now I'd like to properly learn how to do woodworking for crafting and renovation reasons!

Best Advice: It basically boils down to YOLO, as basic as it is. In recent years I have started to learn what it is like to live instead of surviving, and to take some (fun and non harmful) risks. You don't have to work all the time, you can try something new, you can take that extra rest, and you don't always have to explain yourself.

I think most people I'm tagging have been tagged already, so if that's the case or you don't feel like doing this feel free to ignore your tag! @wixed @likethelightfromorionabove @miradelletarot @nicocoer @littleprincepaladin @maffyteacake @laserlope

[deeahhnuh]

2023!

I’ve done this year-in-review thing since 2007! 2007-2012 are over on my old LiveJournal, and 2013-on are right here on my Tumblr. :)

2023 - been there, done that year! Let's make 2024 a good 'un! :)

What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

Not much - I was pretty consistently dull, I guess lol!

—

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make 'em in any official way - like, an actual list or anything. But I always try to keep "be healthy (in lots of ways)" as my big hope for the year!

—

Did anyone close to you give birth?

No lil' bbs this year, aw!

—

Did anyone close to you die?

Thank goodness, no.

—

What countries did you visit?

I never go anywhere lol

—

What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?

The "humble ambitions and hopes" I noted in last year's answer are still there, all humble and hopeful. But I am incredibly thankful to have what I do have!!!

—

What date(s) from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Huh, no big dates this year. Like I said, consistently dull lol!

—

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I have successfully (I think!) maintained the bangs I gave myself last year! Happily, I haven't managed to accidentally cut them too short or wonky. I like having 'em! :)

—

What was your biggest failure?

No big fails this year, lol!

—

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh golly, I had a tooth thing that started in November 2022 and was completed in September of this year! I am so fortunate and very, very glad that it all went perfectly - the oral surgeon and my dentist were a dream team!!! :)

—

What was the best thing you bought?

Music! It's vital to my existence, lol.

—

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My dental dream team lol! :) And in non-medical peeps - my mama, who is just... well, she keeps me goin'. ♥

—

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Can't think of anything off the top of my head!

—

Where did most of your money go?

Music, I guess! A worthy spend!

—

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Holidays and good times - birthdays 'n' such!

—

What song will always remind you of 2023?

Every year, I keep a playlist on Spotify of songs that sparked joy - here's my 2023 list! But also, "Padam Padam" by my queen, Kylie Minogue!

—

Compared to this time last year (2022), are you:

About the same, lol?

—

What do you wish you’d done more of?

I keep enjoying most of the same dang stuff. So, more new music. More new movies. More new TV shows. More new!

—

What do you wish you’d done less of?

See my last answer: I wish I'd done less of the same old same old! :)

—

How did you spend Christmas?

Fam, ham. 'Tis the season!

—

What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2023?

Haha, happily I didn't do anything too stupid. Still a few days left in the year, though!! :)

—

How many one-night stands?

This answer is always "none" - lol, same as the question about visiting different countries - so why do I leave it in?!

—

What was your favorite TV program?

Well I'm a complete goofball, so I love mah cartoons: Family Guy, always, and I watched a lot of American Dad too. I also adore Bravo - Real Housewives, Southern Charm, that sort of thing!

But as for, like, quality programming - Only Murders in the Building is a faaave, and I can't believe What We Do in the Shadows' next season will be its last!! I love it so much.

Oh and also The Golden Bachelor - it was a hoot!

—

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?

PJs! Nah, but I do try to be polished and classy-ish! (When I'm not just in my PJs.)

—

What kept you sane?

I said "music" last year - and it's the same answer for 2023! :)

—

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This is another question I should probably cut from this list, lol!

—

What was the best book you read in 2023?

Pbffft, I will read books next year. And the first book I shall read is one I got this year, by Michael Cragg: Reach for the Stars. It's about British pop music from 1996-2006. Perfection!!

—

What was your greatest musical discovery?

I listened to a lot of synth-y '80s stuff on Spotify "80s Mix" playlists the last half of the year; not sure why I did, but it was a good choice! Yazoo kept me groovin'!

—

What did you want and get?

This isn't a really serious thing, except it is if you love great music! :) This year marked the 20th anniversary of Dannii Minogue's magnum opus Neon Nights - a whopping 7-disc edition of the masterpiece was released and I am so happy to own it!! However! Not too pleased to feel as old as I do when I remember buying the imported original at Tower Records twenty years ago lol!

Anyways, when it comes to really, truly serious things I want - sure, there are things (those humble ambitions and hopes I mentioned earlier) - but I have what I need. I'm good. :)

—

What did you want and not get?

See above!!

—

What was your favorite film of this year?

Scrapbook linking time! I don't have one single "favorite film of this year" - I enjoyed a lot of great movies!

—

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Chilled out! 37!!

—

What three things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Some things prob could have been better, easier, or calmer - but that's every year, isn't it? This year was okay. :)

—

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Everyone? But to narrow it down to one guy, if I have to lol: Michael Shannon got a mention in my answer to this question last year, and - lucky guy - he gets a mention this year, too.

—

What political issue stirred you the most?

It's all terrible.

—

Who did you miss?

I will repeat what I said last year, because reading it back now, I gotta say I like the way I put it! And just like last year, I mean it just as much. "Family - those we’ve lost, and those who are simply not near. ♥"

—

What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023?

Just keep at it!

—

What quote can be used to sum up your year?

A bit from the incomparable It's a Wonderful Life came back to me at times this year - George Bailey, excoriating Potter: "what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home? Wait? Wait for what?! Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they're so old and broken down that they… Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5,000?"

The "wait for what?!" line hits me. I know he's talking about being being kind and decent to others; it's a key message in the movie, of course.

But this year, I also interpreted as - we wait so often. But we've only got now. We gotta live a little now, in spite of (in defiance of) whatever hard stuff is going on in our lives. ♥

...but the actual quote that sums up my 2023 is "padam."

2024 is coming! Happy (almost) New Year, Tumblr! :)

[ohleander]

8.29.23

I've not wanted to write for a little while. I've been really occupied with doing outside things and honestly, I'm feeling very exhausted. It was all good memories and very rewarding but I feel a drastic need to retreat. Go slowly. My mantra on my September calendar is to go slow. I called it Slow September.

I've been under the influence of a baaad mood for about a week now. It PMS as usual but it feels so intense. Feels like I've wasted a lot of time being unnecessarily angry at the people I love. I really notice how it feels like I do that a lot. It feels like I rest in this constant state of trigger and rejection with dad lately. I don't want to feel this way. I'd love to figure out how to get out of my head and have better quality time with him. I feel like I dissociate, gloss over, and rush the time we spend together. I definitely spent a lot of my past weekend in my feels, angry like a teenager. I want to hold myself and tell her she's still lovable, even when she's angry over things. Sometimes I fear that putting my exact feelings into writing makes them too real, but I will keep trying. I need to learn to be even more honest with myself, not hold back and not judge myself too harshly. I am always trying my best to do good, even when neglect and laziness settle in. Even when I could be doing better. Its hard to understand, its hard to unravel and I'm already sinking into some depression over it again. Hopefully I can keep making an effort to change these cycles in me that aren't helping me anymore.

Again, I'd like to shift my focus to something much slower. Something softer. I haven't been enjoying who I am as a person lately. It feels very contrived. It feels very fake. A lot of the time I need to go a lot more slowly than I think I do. My impulse is to rush, and I rush by my loved ones.

I feel so stressed right now, feeling as though I wasted a good long weekend, feeling so angry with dad for old reasons. It wasn't something I felt like I could control. I was just in my feels. I feel like we don't get to talk as good as we used to. I feel like I always dissociate, trigger into some negative feelings, or rush our time together. This weekend, I've been deep in the trenches of a hormone dip, which is never really good for me. In all my efforts of trying to understand myself, I feel like I've forgotten how to consistently care about other people. The more I go forward the less I feel I understand. I also feel like I spend so much time with dad, just absolutely zooted out of my mind and I cant appreciate or react in the ways that I want to. He's such a kind and special little old man, And I always want to do better by him. But he sees the best in me and he also sees the worst in me. Grateful that we always hold each other in the best and the worst times. I'm sure that's what love is.

This weekend, I was in my feelings about not feeling like I mattered, not feeling listened to, not feeling regarded. Feeling like dad only talks to me like I'm a sounding board, or someone to explain things too. I would like to get out of my head and take these things less personally. I get triggered into feeling like I did when I was a kid. Dad's a different person now than he used to be. I make a lot of unfair assumptions when it comes to him. I want to do better.

In trying to gain myself, I feel like I've lost a good chunk of what matters TO myself.. its hard to explain but its also easy to realize that I've been trying too hard again. I fall into that cycle. Its an all or nothing kind of mode where I DO IT ALL or i do absolutely nothing. As always, trying to find better balance in my life.

Tomorrow is the full blue moon in Pisces and I really hope for a good cleansing feeling. Its a full moon so its hard to sleep, but I hope to have cleansing dreams. Its Virgo season and I feel like that always makes me crazy. I'm an overhead kind of person and I enjoy details but Virgo season can be a lot for me and my impulsive nature.

Thoughts are all over the place but I find comfort in writing again. It was such a cram-full month I feel as though I spent the whole time on auto pilot. How do I get off that awful train? How do I manage to become more connective? When I'm in public I'm always so preoccupied with how I look to people, do I seem right? Do I look like people are supposed to look? I want to calm down. I want to rest my dials on a solid 4 or something low like that. I need to be okay with being more low-key.

Its never too late to start acting how I want to be. Its all practice. I realize where I don't want to be and I change from there. Quality over quantity. Quality over quantity.

LA

[lune-moon-nuit]

I completely agree with your theory and observations. I also hope that Vecna hasn’t literally haunted Mike yet like he has with the others, but it would be fascinating if he had “laid the groundwork” to fully do so in Season 5. As I’ve mentioned before, I think Mike’s change in behavior (even if, following this theory, it could be subtly influenced by Vecna) is mainly due to his own insecurities and confusion as a young teenager trying to find himself in a deeply homophobic 1980s America.

I imagine Vecna noticing the potential in Mike’s internal suffering when he was trying to save El and planning to weaponize his trauma, insecurities, fears, and repressed emotions against him. Vecna is quite literally the personification of depression—the kind that makes you hear voices telling you that you’re worthless, that it’s your fault, that you should stop eating or hurt yourself. Vecna is depression and the embodiment of severe mental struggles, like post-traumatic stress. And Mike is the perfect candidate because he never externalizes what he’s truly feeling, especially in the past two seasons as he’s grown into adolescence.

He’s completely closed himself off, locking away his real emotions to try and forget them. People far too often overlook the fact that, in Season 1, Mike literally jumped off a cliff with no clear chance of survival and no idea that El would save him. At 12 years old, he was already willing to sacrifice himself. Mike clearly needs therapy, and the fact that his demons and internal conflicts have been consistently ignored—either by himself or by the audience—would make for an excellent narrative twist. Not to mention, it would serve as a powerful reminder of who the heart truly is.

Vecna targeting Mike would be the perfect opportunity to destabilize the group while creating a deeply cathartic moment for Mike to finally confront everything he’s been repressing—whether it’s what he feels for Will, his fears, his own trauma, or his underlying depression.

is Mike under Vecna's influence?

I read @brionysea 's post about possessiongate just before going to bed, had some weird dreams and woke up with too many thoughts. The idea here is that Mike was already possessed/influenced by Vecna for some time and that it explains his change of attitude. I'm NOT convinced at this point but it caught my imagination. As brionysea said here:

it's a supernatural horror coming of age story. things like will's ptsd and max's depression are turned into grandiose supernatural threats, but mike dealing with his sexuality in a heavily homophobic era (…) isn't? that would be a colossal waste of potential

Out of brionysea analysis, the points that stood out to me are: the Mindflayer hovering over the ball at the end of season 2, and the idea of Mike being used as a way to distract El from the UD.

The second thing certainly worked. Both Mike and El have been distracted in s3 and s4, and they're two of Vecna's "main enemies". People on tumblr have pointed out the fact that Mike, El and Will (as well as Hopper and Joyce) were conveniently away in s4 and that it could have been intentional for Vecna to wait for Mike's departure. And everyone here seem to agree that Mike's monologue to El was more distraction than help. Also, it is a fun idea: turning the "they get together and are happy ever after" into the catastrophic thing that almost destroys everything… Vecna would approve.

As for the first thing, the Mindflayer hovering over the ball, I've been wondering since s2: why was the Mindflayer spying on them and how could he do that since the gates where closed (post lab, but before the russians)? But then the gates don't seem necessary for spying between dimensions (Vecna does cast his curse on Chrissy without any gate being opened, right?) I also used to think it has something to do with Will's link to the UD. Poor kid has been eating UD slugs and Mindflayer black matter after all. If someone has been acting like some kind of portable door to the UD, it's Will. But Vecna's focus being on Mike rather than Will (or El) would be an interesting plot twist.

I don't see him being possessed the way Will or Billy where, it would be something like Vecna's curse, something intangible. Vecna subtly influencing Mike, playing on his REAL doubts and fears (Vecna's curse is interesting because of the internal struggles, because his victims believe Vecna's truths on some level, because they don't see his influence before it's too late)

Here I'm having a thought for all the viewers who think Mike and El are a cute couple… Or that Mike is just an idiot teen… realising it was Vecna's doing all along…

If Vecna was somehow using and influencing Mike it would give a different weight to his confusion, his change of behavior after s2, his difficulties to put words on his feelings (I've never thought too much about that because people DO change and it IS difficult to put words on things for many people, but some here have pointed out how Mike was actually quite good at that on occasions)… It would mean Mike will have to fight back in s5 the way Max did. I'd love to see that.

I can't decide if it's a good idea, or if Mike's struggles are more meaningful if they happened out of Vecna's influence. Maybe the later because as Eddie said, forced conforming, "That's The Real Monster." My favorite theory at the moment is that Mike is not YET under Vecna's influence but that it will happen. That Mike trying to conform was first a choice he made, influenced by his family, his friends, society, guilt maybe… and that it will become a weapon Vecna uses second. That poor Mike sealed his fate during that dreadful monologue he was pushed to make by his own past choices and the person that loves him best ;____;

[danlous]

After the finale i’ve seen a lot of posts both here and on twitter and reddit suggesting that we can’t trust anything we saw actually happened, and/or Armand brainwashed Louis and implanted and removed memories, and that Lestat was nothing like he was shown and nothing in this season was real. I really don’t think that’s what’s happening and how we’re meant to interpret the show for various reasons:

1) It would be bad writing. Like it would be textbook bad writing. ‘She woke up and it was all just a dream’ is often mocked and used as an example of what you should never do for a reason. Pulling the rug and saying what you earlier wrote never happened almost never works. It takes away your audience’s emotional investment, removes good scenes, creates incoherence and aimlessness in your narrative and basically renders your story meaningless. With Louis we know he’s an unreliable narrator and we’ve seen how that manifests: he emphasizes things that support the narrative he wants to convey and omits things that challenge that narrative, he wants to protect Claudia and himself, he’s uncomfortable talking about his love for Lestat, he’s a master of hypocrisy and self-deception, and trauma and the passage of time have influenced his memories. But i don’t really get an impression that he’s untrustworthy in that sense that he literally actively lies or his memories are literally false. Lestat’s version of the events will probably be rather different but that doesn’t mean neither of them is ‘wrong’. I believe that most of the events in this season need to be true so that emotional and narrative integrity is maintained. I think this show’s writers are too good to erase their own story for a twist.

2) I know that some fans dislike the decision to make Lestat more blatantly abusive and are hoping that Louis or Armand is trying make him seem worse than he was, but that doesn’t make sense to me when you consider how the abuse is portrayed in the show. You can disagree with Lestat’s characterization but the way domestic abuse itself is depicted is very careful, consistent, accurate and realistic. Lestat’s abusiveness is not some extraneous detail you can remove by cutting a couple of scenes; it’s an inherent part of his character and the whole story from the beginning. I would go as far as saying abuse if one of the most important parts of this story. If you somehow take it out it becomes a completely different relationship and different show. Again we come back to the point where it would mean undermining the whole narrative. I also think that since the writers have been portraying this subject so well they know better than to insinuate that abuse victims are lying or imagining things. The DV scene in 1.05 has been endlessly analyzed and i do think we’re going to revisit it later from a different POV because it’s edited in the way that implies that there’s more to it. But i really don’t think they’re going to pull ‘none of this ever happened!’ twist with that or any other scene depicting abuse. That would be just cheap and offensive. I think we will in later season see things from Lestat’s perspective that make him more sympathetic (for example revelation that he really loved Claudia like in the books is something i’m almost certain we’ll see) but i don’t see them erasing something that has been so central for Lestat’s characterization.

3) Portraying Louis as some kidnapped brainwashed slave for Armand is at odds with his character and the themes of the show and would also, again, be bad writing because passive characters with no agency are boring, and relationships based on pure mind control are boring as well. Louis at times comes across passive because of his depression and exhaustion caused by trauma and abuse but he’s never been without agency. One of the most compelling and realistic parts of the show’s depiction of abuse is that Louis, like many victims, stays in toxic situations and relationships by his own volition and ends up repeating the same patterns. Lestat doesn’t coerce him into anything in the literal sense. Louis chooses to get together with him, to stay with him year after year even though they’re unhappy, and to take him back after his assault. Louis is always the one literally and metaphorically locking them in his coffin. I think whatever Louis and Armand’s relationship is like it’s in some ways similar to his relationship with Lestat. I think if Armand is using his powers on Louis it’s relatively minor rather than total brainwashing and quite possibly he’s even doing it by Louis’ own request. I feel that Louis could leave that Dubai coffin house whenever he wanted and Armand or no one else would physically prevent him. But because of how his own mind works he chooses not to. He and Armand are each other’s prisoners in some way and i think that’s much more interesting than Armand just keeping him under psychic mind control.

[with-love-from-hell]

5 Sides of Human

{Part eighteen}

Genre: Mixed

WC: ~3.9k

CW: pining, some NSFW elements and hints at sex, kissing, anxiety, depictions of anger and verbal aggression, depression,  angst, allusion to past trauma, Barbatos is suspicious af, Storm has a stutter but I am not depicting it with written word consistently, prolly lots of typos lol, spoilers for season 1&2, I'm skipping over/changing some things I didn't like in the main story so it will be a bit different from canon!

Series Masterlist

©️ artwork commissioned by @vivi8bit ©️  

“So what happened to your date?” Storm finally spoke after walking in silence for a few minutes. She and Mammon had decided to take a walk through the courtyard to get some air. Mammon was awkwardly silent since they exited the hall, making Storm feel a bit more uncomfortable with each passing moment. 

“Meh...” Mammon shrugged. “She bailed on me last minute because she met some rich guy at the horse track who promised to take ‘er on a fancy yacht party.” 

“Oh...” Storm looked to the ground sadly. “I’m sorry...”

Mammon stopped in his tracks, trying to process her words. “Wait. What’re you apologizin’ for?”

“Well, I...It didn’t work out, and that’s kind of shitty of her to do that...” Storm shrugged. “And...I feel bad for not going to the ball with you. I know it hurt your feelings.” 

Mammon sighed. “You don’t have nothin’ to apologize for. I’m the one that should be sorry for how I been treatin’ ya.” 

Storm smiled weakly. “Mammon, It’s-” 

“No. It’s not fine.” Mammon shook his head, turning and facing her completely. “I treated ya like shit, and over what? I don’t own you, and ya don’t owe me anything. You can go on a date whoever ya want...it doesn’t have to be me. And after what I said t’ya...” Mammon paused, crossing his arms. “...I hurt ya. Real bad. And I know I did. I knew it would hurt ya, even if I didn’t mean it. I did it on purpose ‘cuz I was hurt...and that ain’t right to do to someone ya love.” 

“Well...” She shrugged dismissively, a sad expression on her face. “I know you didn’t mean it though.” 

“I don’t care that ya know I didn’t mean it!” Mammon snapped, frustrated with Storm accepting the way he treated her. “Ya should be mad at me! Ya should be tellin’ me to beg for forgiveness! Ya should be threatenin’ to never talk to me ever again! Nobody- not even me- should just get away with talkin’ t’ya like that!”  

Storm frowned, unsure of how to respond. “W-Why do you want me to be mad at you?” 

Mammon sighed again, pressing both hands on her shoulders and squatting down to look into her eyes. “I wan’t ya to value yourself as much as I do. Ya shouldn’t accept anyone talkin’ to ya in the way that I did. Ya ain’t ugly, Ya ain’t worthless, ya ain’t stupid, and...and anyone would be lucky to have a girl like you at their side. I...I just wan’t ya to know that.” 

Storm smiled, feeling tears prick the back of her eyes. She captured him in a hug, squeezing tight against his abdomen. “T-thank you, Mammon. That means a lot.”

Mammon blushed, gently resting his hands around her back. “Ya shouldn’t be thankin’ me. It’s the bare minimum to treat ya with respect...and somehow I managed to even fuck that up, like everything else.” 

Storm shook her head. “You’re not a fuck up, Mammon. You have done and said some things that have hurt me, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.” 

Mammon nodded, but he had a hard time believing it. The guilt for how badly he had hurt her was eating him alive, and he knew he didn’t deserve her kindness. There was a moment of tense silence between them as they stood in the middle of the courtyard. 

“Well, I s’pose I should give ya back to yer date now...” Mammon chuckled awkwardly. “We been out here for awhile.” 

“Yeah...But I do feel better now.” Storm smiled, giving Mammon another quick hug. “Thank you.” 

Mammon nodded, approaching the door and holding it open for her. She stopped before walking through the door, looking up at him with glossy eyes. He sucked in a breath, feeling his heartbeat quicken as she took his free hand in hers. 

“I want to save you a dance. so come find me later, okay?” 

Mammon swallowed, only finding the ability to nod in response as she smiled and strolled back toward the ballroom. His breath finally caught up to him as he shut the door, leaning his back against it to get his heartbeat to slow down. 

Sure, she could date whoever she wanted, but fuck...all he wanted in this world was for her to choose him. 

“What in the fuck...” Vivi paused, furrowing her brow as she walked into the chaos in the ballroom. The giddiness they felt in their alone time with Satan was now completely obliterated upon seeing the shit show the remaining brothers had caused in their absence. 

Across the room, a circle of demons appeared to be gathered around Lucifer as he loudly scolded Beel for demolishing the entire buffet table in a fit of blind gluttony, causing the other students in attendance to complain about lack of refreshments. Many also passed whispers about Storm’s sudden fleeing from the ball, and what their association was beyond the exchange program given Lucifers clear lack in hesitation in asking her to dance. Asmo and Heart were in the process of what appeared to be taking the “perfect shot” for a devilgram photo, snatching the tulle from the ceiling and trying to dangle themselves off of them. Below them was Levi, who was being chased around by Sarah with a pair of Cat ears- begging for him to put them on and pose with her for a devilgram photo of her own. Worst of all, though, was the fact that Belphie and Fern were practically all over each other in a furious make-out session, literally right in front of Vivi’s eyes. 

She grimaced at the sight, disgusted with the fact that they were so careless in their public display. She reeled her foot back and kicked Fern hard in the ass, causing them to screech loudly in both pain and surprise. 

“AH! What the hell, Man!” They whimpered, jumping off of Belphie and rubbing the tender spot on their behind where a bruise was quickly forming. “That fuckin’ hurt!” 

“Serves you right. That was gross.” Satan sighed, crossing his arms.

Vivi’s grimace tightened further on their face, seeing their shirt had been buttoned down to the point where it was nearly wide open. “Seriously, Fern? Of all of the demons here, why with the guy who smells like rotten feet?!” 

“Excuse me?” Belphie huffed, standing and re-buttoning his own shirt. 

“You heard me, stink boy.” Vivi narrowed her eyes. “That was the grossest shit my eyes have every seen.” 

“I concur.” Satan chuckled, nudging Vivi on the shoulder with his elbow. “I think my eyes need some bleach now.” 

Fern stuck out their tongue, making a mocking fart noise at them. 

“You four.” Lucifer growled, now approaching the group. His eyebrows were twitching slightly, the lines on his forehead way more exaggerated than before. Tightly wound in his fist was a broken pair of cat ears. Behind him stood Beel, which a shameful expression hidden beneath the mess of food scraps plastered to his lips and cheeks (and somehow all over his hair). Sarah and Asmo whined in frustration for having their pictures ruined a few feet behind him, while Heart and Levi chatted about the new Anime convention coming to Devildom next week. 

Vivi rolled her eyes. “What is it, grandpa?” 

Lucifer shut his eyes, the thin line his lips were pressed into becoming even thinner. “Tonight was supposed to be a fun time for all of us, and yet you all seemed to really make fools of yourselves this time. I thought after that horrific display Mammon pulled we would be done with this. But apparently you all can’t learn to behave for even a minute.” 

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about old timer. We were having a great time.” Fern smirked at him, only to be met with a deep growl from Lucifer’s throat. 

“Oh, I noticed. It was hard not to when you were nearly screwing each other on the dance floor.” Lucifer retorted, causing Belphie to turn beet red. “Have you no shame?” 

Fern snickered, spitting the words back at Lucifer before having a chance to think about the consequences. “Maybe you’re just jealous that I have more game than you, bird man. Your date clearly ditched your crusty ass!”  

Lucifer took a threatening step forward, causing Belphie and Satan to take a larger step away- clearly not wanting to get involved with how angry Fern was making Lucifer. gritted his teeth, nose scrunched to reveal the tips of his fangs. “You better hope you can suck those words back into your rotten little mouth, otherwise I’ll-” 

“What the- what’s going on?!” Storm darted her vision around the room as she entered, her eyes falling on a very angry Lucifer towering over Fern. She quickly paced over to them, the tension as she approached slowly dissipating as Lucifer took a step back and cleared his throat. He hadn’t really realized how far Fern and his brothers had gotten under his skin until he noticed the entire ballroom was deathly quiet and staring. 

“Oh, Good thing you’re here Storm.” Beel smiled nervously at her. “I thought Lucifer was going to mash Fern into pudding for a minute there.” 

Storm stopped in her tracks, blinking rapidly in confusion. “What?!” 

“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with now, Storm.” Lucifer sighed, shooting Beel a pointed look. “We’re leaving.” 

Storm felt her heart sink slightly. Her thoughts raced with regret and blame for her bolting out of the room to cause him to want to call it a night early.  “L-leaving? But...We only got to dance to one song...” 

“Well, as you can see, the room has been made a disaster area.” Lucifer gestured around with a sigh. “I’m doubtful the night can be salvaged.” 

“Oh come now, Lucifer.” Diavolo suddenly appeared behind Storm, placing a large hand on her shoulder. She jumped, nearly screaming in fear at the unexpected touch and loud volume at which he spoke. “The night is young, and your brothers were merely making their own merry. What’s the harm?” 

Lucifer sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. When a response wasn’t given, Diavolo clapped his hands together. “Resume the party, everyone. More refreshments will come soon!” 

A few murmurs among the crowd turned into cheers, and the music resumed. The brothers and other exchange students dissipated, leaving Storm alone between Lucifer and Diavolo. 

“I’d hate to interrupt your date,” Diavolo smiled, but behind it was a smidge of a threat, “but, would you mind if I danced with Storm for a bit, Lucifer?” 

Lucifer blinked, glancing down to Storm for a moment. She looked nervous and unsure of herself. Before he could answer, Diavolo gave a boisterous laugh and snatched her arm up in his. 

“Great! I’ll be sure to return her to you, don’t worry!” 

Storm looked back to Lucifer with panicked eyes, unsure of what to do to stop the situation from happening. With a sigh, Lucifer made his way to one of the tables, plopping down in a chair in defeat. How could a romantic evening turn sour so quickly? He wanted the opportunity to show Storm some affection, and perhaps maybe more- but of course he couldn’t get a moment’s rest from his brothers antics. Not even for a split second. And between that and Storm’s anxiety, it was like the moment they had alone escaped him before he could even grasp it. 

He sighed once more, rubbing his temple to sooth the developing migraine at the front of his skill. What a disaster. 

“So, I take it your night has been enjoyable?” Diavolo grinned as he waltzed with Storm, trying to get her to look him in the eyes.

Storm shrugged trying to fight away the growing knot of anxiety that began to redevelop in her stomach. “It’s okay, I suppose. Events where this much attention is paid to me aren’t really my thing, I guess.” 

He chuckled.  “That is a fair point. I’ll admit, I was shocked when Lucifer asked you to the ball. He typically stands idle at events like this and refuses anyone’s hand for a dance. Even mine!”

“Oh, really?” Storm forced a smile, trying not to let it show how nervous she was being held so close to such an intimidating demon. 

“Lucifer is a tough nut to crack.” Diavolo laughed once more. “It takes so much for him to just relax and have a good time. I’m a bit envious that you’ve been able to seemingly do the impossible by getting him to dance at one of these things- or rather, influencing him to change his ways.” 

Storm furrowed her brow as he spun her gently, leaning her into a dip. “What do you mean?” 

Diavolo maneuvered her upright, returning to the normal waltz. “Hmm...I suppose I mean that your connection to him is something rather special. No one- not even in the celestial realm- was able to get him to loosen up or drop his guard. Not his brothers, not me, not Michael...not even Lilith. That really uptight and cold demeanor is the way he had always been, and now it obviously falters when you’re around.” 

Storm stayed quiet for a moment, processing his words. Did she really have that much of an impact on him? 

“-And I have to say...” Diavolo craned his neck so that his face was closer to hers. “It makes me curious about you.”

It took a moment for Storm to really hear what he had said. She jerked her head back slightly, confused as to what he was getting at. “W-what do you mean?” 

Diavolo smiled, but the motion felt intimidating. “What I mean is that I’d like to know what’s so special about you- how you could change someone so drastically by just being...you.” Storm swallowed hard as Diavolo reached up, tracing her jaw with his finger and lowering his voice to a honey-like tone. “You intrigue me, Storm.” 

Storm nervously laughed, wriggling out of his grasp as the song ended. “Ahah, I suppose I should get back to Lucifer now. I’m his date, after all!” 

Before he could protest she scrambled away quickly, maneuvering swiftly through the crowd, leaving Diavolo in the center of the room. Demons quickly crowded around him, trying to get their opportunity to dance with the prince. 

Storm frantically looked for where Lucifer had gone, and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him sitting alone at one of the tables. She quickly walked over to him, sitting down in the chair next to him. He glanced up at her, offering a warm smile- but there was a distance she felt behind it. 

“How was your dance with Lord Diavolo?” 

“Eh...it was...just...weird.” She shook her head, rubbing the back of her neck. 

“Weird?” Lucifer repeated, eyeing her curiously. “Weird how?” 

Storm sighed. “I dunno. He just intimidates me, I guess.” 

Lucifer chuckled. “Well, he is the future king. I’d say that’s normal for those who aren’t really part of nobility- and it’s even normal for those that are.” 

“No, it’s not that he’s a prince that makes me anxious.” She sighed again. “I mean, maybe it is a little bit, but its more than that. I mean, he’s a very...large man. Like that alone makes me uncomfortable.”

Lucifer shook his head, giving a another soft laugh. “I suppose that’s fair, you are rather small, Storm.” 

She laughed nervously. “I mean yeah, but that’s not all there is either.  It’s even worse with just like...the way he acts around me and talks to me...It makes me feel so icky.” 

Lucifer’s amused smile fell and his tone grew serious. “What do you mean?” 

“It just...” Storm sighed in frustration. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. I think he’s trying to flirt or something, but it just feels really possessive.” 

Lucifer shifted his jaw, knowing exactly what she was referring to. He thought back on the way Diavolo would talk about her in her absence, especially since she has returned. The comments he would make about her appearance and desirability amongst other demons, and how he had been pushing his way past others to get to her, like with his faux ‘request’ to dance with her that was actually more of a command. “Hm. That does sound as if it would be uncomfortable.” 

Storm chewed her lip anxiously, unsure of what to make of Lucifer’s reply. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t be shit talking the future king of the Devildom.” 

“It’s quite alright.” Lucifer shook his head. “Your comfort matters to me, and if someone makes you feel uneasy- even if it’s Diavolo- it is imperative for me to know.” 

“Thank you.” She offered him a grateful smile. 

Lucifer returned the smile, offering his hand to her for another dance. She seemed much more relaxed this time as he led her to the dancefloor, this time hovering around the outer crowd rather than going for the middle. As they danced, she rested her head on his chest, soothed by his heartbeat that accompanied the beat of the music. A content smile was plastered on Lucifer’s face, eased by the comfort he clearly brought to Storm and she brought him. 

From the distance, the two were watched by multiple disapproving eyes. Despite now having a different dance partner, Diavolo stole glances at the pair, feeling overwhelming jealous of Lucifer’s clear bond to the small woman. Fern, Belphie, Satan, and Vivi, sat at a table watching, more or less irritated by the fact that their friend was so close to the eldest brother. Leaning against the north wall, Mammon also watched sadly, trying to muster up the courage to interrupt and ask her to dance with him instead. And even further beyond that, nearest to the exit, watched Barbatos. 

His eyes never left them as they swayed with the crowd, trying to gauge the intentions of both individuals. He was unsure of Storm from the beginning, and since making a pact with Lucifer- something he thought no human could ever do- he was even more suspicious of her. Lucifer’s clear infatuation with her was also concerning- it would be unspeakable if any noble demon tried to develop any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with a human. Diavolo’s curiosity and attempts to probe into what was so alluring about her also concerned him. It was as if everyone was under some sort of spell- and he wondered for a moment if she was indeed using some sort of magic to lure them in. It seemed unlikely, especially considering her timidness even after getting used to life in the Devildom, but he couldn’t rule out every possibility.  While he had enough respect for her to not pry into her timelines like she had requested after the Belphie incident- he couldn’t help but feel curious as to why she requested him not to pry. It couldn’t simply be because of mere anxiety...could it? 

He narrowed his eyes as he watched Lucifer press a kiss to the top her her head. He had surely hoped his loyalties to Diavolo wouldn’t be swayed by a simple human, but now...now that he has witnessed more of their intimate interactions, he wasn’t so sure. 

“So...like...What are we now, exactly?” Belphegor pondered aloud, finally able to catch his breath as he stared up at the ceiling of the attic. Fern rested on his chest, a smug smile on their face as they listened to the gentle hum of Belphie’s purr that rumbled through his body. Taking Lucifer’s suggestion at having a bit of shame, they decided to immediately retreat upstairs when they returned home- away from the prying eyes of the brothers and exchange students. Though, given the heated encounter they had earlier in the evening at the ball, one could guess what they had snuck off to get up to. 

“Well...I dunno!” Fern laughed nervously. “What...do you want us to be?” 

Belphie was quiet for a moment, trying to think of an answer. “I don’t know...” 

Fern turned and planted their chin on his abdomen. “I guess like. We could try...dating?” 

Belphie laughed at the weird motion their head took with the rise and fall of his breathing. “I guess I’m fine with that. But...I don’t think we should say anything. If Lucifer finds out that we uh...y’know...I think he’d actually kill you. And then probably me.” 

“Oh, what? So he can go around and mess with Storm, but none of his brothers can have any fun?” Fern poked Belphie in the tummy, causing him to recoil and snatch their arms up. 

“Yes, Fern. He’s a hypocrite. We’ve established this.” He retorted sarcastically.

There was a tense silence for a moment between them. Belphie released Fern’s arms and they readjusted themselves to where they stared up at the ceiling together. 

“Seriously, though...” Fern added, clearing their throat to get Belphie’s attention. “I really...I really do like you, Belphie.” 

Belphie glanced over at them, an evil smile curling onto his lips. “I don't think you would have done some of those things to me if you didn’t like me, idiot.” 

Fern glared at him. “Hey. Fuck you, buddy.” 

Belphie chuckled, turning and snuggling up against Fern. like a Koala. “Fuck you too, Fern.”