#(and we cant forget that work is a thing too)
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
college … wasted on the youth (me)
#didnt help that 2/4 yrs was covid telezoom but man.. MANNN#forgetting how impossible it is to pursue rhe degree plan u actually want (advising hell) i feel like . theres just#so many diff things i want to learn now Knowing that im more solidified in my interests and who i am and what i would be interested in doing#and like.😭RGAAAAAQH TEARING MYHAIR OUTTT every other week i have a night where im sititng there like damn i couldve been sm1 completely dif#dgmw i still rly enjoy some of the upper div classes i Did take but what if i took x and liked it more or minored in y and it led me to z#bc i do feel rly set in where i am rn which . i DO ! like it but im never gna be in that environment where u have the flexibility to explore#ykwim . i wish i had taken physics and calc srsly . i always thought i hated that shit but i like it. i like it quite a lot actually😟#or more geology .. urrghh.. sprinkle in sme extra art history . no bc thats what actu pissed me off ab school#i rmbr wanting to dual major and they straight up told me no i cant . but then i was like maybe an arts major bio minor when i wanted to do#science illustration but sry we dont offer bio minor . ok bio major arh or studio art minor . no sry not enough open spots we rly only#reserve it for when we have extra openings post admission❤️#and then even late into sophomore year u would still be last in registration so all the cool classes would be closed#and then bc of covid half that shit was cancelled bc they couldnt transfer labs online (rip comparative vertebrate anatomy)#and then by senior yr an additional collection of classes were unavailable bc u dont have the prereqs bc the prereqs were cancelled during#covid and u dont have enough semesters left to actually take it . like it was gen such an awful experience so ik why i couldnt ever do what#i wanted but .😭 AND LIKE the classes i DID enjoy like genomics or molecular genetics were closed by registration and i had to email and beg#for access . thts crazy .literally crazy .#anyways . i think i want 2 start reading textbooks bc i think thats the closest ill get LMAOO#i remember seeing my coworker read a textbook for fun one time and idk why i just didnt understand why bc it seemed so dry but i Get it now#like yeah .. u knew what was up ..#sad too that like . i could theoretically audit a course but i Work..during the day .. so sad . so sad#guys wht if i just said yes to grad school (<the devil talking.dont agree)
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Some Julie's and idk a little thingy for today
#welcome home#partycoffin#julie joyful#man i have a LOT to do#today was kind of a mess we were suppose to go to my aunts house but uh my mom sort of took long in storage so its too late#not a bad thing actually#we have a lot more things that can help us and i have my missing nintendo switch thats been gone for 2 (or more) years!#its missing one controller but its fine! we can get a new one for it (it been had one controller because my brother broke it ages ago)#time to unpack everything i packed and uh do more work?#i still need to finish that freeplay menu im working on for my buddys fnf mod#and also need tooooo post some art i made (some time when i make more)#i haven't had much time for making my own art of things i like#OH I FORGOT ABOUT MY ART PROJECT TOO#welp things are going bad#what else did i forget?#curse you terrible memory CURSE YOU BEING DISTRACTED EASILY CURSEEE YOU HAVING HARD TIME TO FOCUSS CURSEE YOU EVERY ISSUE I CANT THINK OF
51 notes
·
View notes
Text
the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
i both love and hate that i keep finding different moths in my house. why are they here? i dont want them to get caught on the sticky traps i put out for the flies. but also, very fun to see so many different varieties and knowing my garden probably plays a role somehow.
#i think im gonna start a tag for my garden posts so i can keep track of everything thats happened- wont have some of the info bc im#sure as fuck not digging into my blog to find my past posts but i can at least document it all from this point on#my mini reserve#i think is what im gonna call it lol#for reference future me: so far we've been dealing with doves constantly poopin out babies and lots of tiny bees and flies#as well as a carnivorous caterpillar that likes aphids#and of course the wasps that made a nest my first year#and the frog. cant forget the frog.#theres evidence of other caterpillars on my plants but I havent really seen any of them actually#tho ig the evidence of their presence is within all the moths lol#oh also the mantis we found yesterday and trtied to put back outside but keeps trying to come inside :|#i think i have a pet mantis now lol#there was also a katydid stuck in the same spot the mantis was and the clicking sound was driving me nuts bc i had no idea what it was lol#we had bats the first year bc i had a nicotiana that bloomed at night and attracted small bugs#i prolly still have bats but i usually dont go outside anymore at night bc squitoes#also lots of different kinds of crane flies#not many butterflies tho. and i havent attracted the carpenter bees yet. i do have mason bees tho and there was some sort of wasp#parasiting off of some of the lil holes. which. sad. but its nature.#lots of funky flies and bee type things like sweat bees or flies that look likes wasps#saw a robber fly that bitch was huge i loved it. thought it was a wasp lol#milkweed bug. cucumber beetles. leaf/tree hoppers a' plenty.#its so easy to do this. and im working with a very small space too.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
still tickles me to think about HW katsucred where thancred's laying there night after night overthinking his relationship with katsu and worrying that he's getting too attached and projecting his feelings onto what he thinks is just a FWB for the both of them to let off steam. guilting himself over burdening katsu with his own attachment
meanwhile katsu's just. completely unaware. and is just giddy that he has someone that he gets to kiss and cuddle for the first time and isn't worried in the slightest about what's going on between them. because he has zero idea how this shit works and is just rolling with it. assuming that thancred, guy with """relationship experience""", knows what he's doing. (he does not. he hasn't earnestly romanced someone outside of work reasons since his mid 20s in my HC.)
it is genuinely a fucking miracle that they made it as far as they did considering the lack of proper communication between them up until late STB. i think if katsu hadn't accidentally blurted out that he loved thancred during their reunion in the lochs, they'd probably still be in a perpetual state of situationship weirdness. idiots (affectionate)
#hw thancred: fuck. im a manipulator. im burdening him. all he needs is an outlet. i cant let myself think he needs me any more than this.#meanwhile hw katsu: hehe :) i really like my cute hyur bf :) he makes me happy :) i hope we stay together :)#during stb urianger overhears thancred speaking with katsu before his bedtime over the linkpearl#and hes like “hey so you and him. you two are like. theres a thing there isnt there”#thancred's like “well i mean idk man im just here to be what he needs and i dont want to burden him with anything” excuse after excuse#and uri's like “hey dumbass. he called you from 2 continents away to say gnight before bed. hes in love with you + youre in love with him”#“you should probably tell him how you feel before its too late” <- guy who just lost a qpp that he hadnt seen in ages (moen)#and thancreds just like. “oh. i guess youre right huh.” <- guy who just lost his sister that he was also bad at talking to#mr thancred spending 10+ yrs utilizing romance as a tool for work and forgetting how to let himself express affection to the ppl he loves..#it is very tasty to me.....#oc rambles#katsucred
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
somehow these current roommates we have are the worst that ive known yet and last semester we literally had a girl who smoked cigs IN her bedroom. list of grievances below lol
#first of all they turn all the lights on all the time. the other day i was hanging out in the living room w one light on bc it was light#enough outside thru the windows and one of them walked in and flipped another light on automatically. then walked through#the living room right to her bedroom... girl youre not even using this room and i was clearly fine with the light level??#they always have all 3 kitchen lights on when they cook and dont turn them off plus none of them have lamps#they all use the Big LED Ceiling Light in their bedrooms which is baffling to us#they dont know how to organize the kitchen and they took up so many of the cabinets with bullshit. like 3 pans here a few plates there#we have like 4 cabinets worth of food and even more of pots and pans and shit bc this is everything we own#and we cant afford to use disposable everything like some of them do#theyre always leaving the fridge open while they cook too and i have to physically hold myself back from becoming my mom#and yelling at them to close the fridge when theyre not actively getting smth out of it!! like theyll stand there cooking and have it open#for 2 minutes straight#theres only room for one water filter pitcher in the fridge and one of them brought a big one which is nice but theyre always forgetting to#refill it which defeats the purpose of even having it#and they always somehow start cooking right when we decide we need to eat#one of them sent this long sort of condescending post abt ants and how it stresses him out when the kitchen is messy so we all need to clean#more and try harder to keep ants away as if 1) ants care at all abt dishes in the sink or stains on the stove and 2) as if the ants will#stop coming around if theres no food out in this building where there are notoriously always ants even on the 4th floor#(we are ground floor this time) and 3) as if he isn't one of the people leaving food around and not taking the trash out#nobody responded to it in the groupchat lmao bc he sounds like a fucking cop!! and is dating an rotc guy??? and also is a streamer or just#likes to play games on vc with friends bc hes always very loudly doing that#but obviously we have sex all the time so we're at a sort of loud noise stalemate where neither of us can complain abt the other#to be clear this is in no way the absolute worst situation theyre nice enough people and havent reported us for anything (they both work for#student housing -_-) and generally things go okay in the apartment#but like. ive never been this annoyed this often with any other roommates#ALSO someone spilled soy sauce all over our designated level of the fridge door where we had all our little bottles of stuff#but also a carton a Paper Carton of milk and a pack of butter standing upright which soaked up the soy sauce and for several days#even after id cleaned the bottom of the carton the best i could i swore it tasted like soy sauce from it soaking into the bottom or smth#but it's still all over everything in there bc it was so much it like. pooled in there and splattered on everything#like. u see that happen u clean it up wtf.??#anyway i just felt like i needed to complain and see if im being silly or if these things really are so annoying
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
Milk and Green Apple for Penelope
(for this ask game)
Since we haven't introduced Penelope yet, as is standard, we'll do a quick write-up here. Penelope is a Galápagos fur seal (Arctocephalus galapagoensis). She's an accountant who works at a bank located in a tundra which primarily caters towards terrestrial animals. Though she doesn't particularly like her job, and initially picked this posting because it was the best option available to her during her CPA experience program, she sort of... got stuck.
Finding work is difficult. She was lucky enough to get rehired by the same branch after finishing her work experience program, but she can't really find anywhere else willing to hire her right now, and her branch is hesitant to let her go, considering that she's one of the most competent people available to her department. She can't really quit, but she can't really move forward, either, so she's sort of... stuck in limbo.
She's well-paid enough that she can live relatively comfortably, but she was at least partially a diversity hire to begin with, and the place she lives in now just plain isn't made for her. She's an aquatic species in a relatively dry area, and most of the species that her branch caters to are smaller prey species - hares, kea, and lemmings, and the occasional arctic fox. Most of the infrastructure is built for people half her size or more, and being an aquatic species, she's not really built to be living terrestrially 24/7 - wearing glasses is all well and good until your prescription breaks and the best replacement pair you can find is built for a stoat, and sure, she can afford a doctor if anything comes up, but no one in her area would really know much about her species, and can she really afford the time and effort added to the expenses of flying to somewhere else entirely just to see a specialist?
As is, she feels just... stuck. She handles it, mostly, with a mix of "gritting her teeth and bearing it" and "heading out to a nearby city which actually has infrastructure for anything bigger than a fox". She sort of has to make a Day of it every time she travels out, but it's better than staying in the same town all day, and paying a bit extra for a night out isn't *too* bad, all things considered. The situation, as is, is perfectly fine. She just... wishes that she could make something of her life beyond being stagnant in a town that she expected to just be a stop in the road.
🥛 [MILK] What is your OC's relationship with their biological parents like? What about their relationship with any non-biological parental figures?
Well... it's complicated. She doesn't have a bad relationship with them, per se, but it's a bit distant - she moved to an entirely different part of the world to take this job, and most of her communication with family members is by video call and similar things as a result. She cares for her family, and she wouldn't trade them for the world, really - but they expect a lot from her, and she's been stuck at the same place long enough that she's not sure she can live up to it.
Penelope sits in the awkward sort of space where she was academically successful, but that success didn't really transfer to almost anything else. She's got a job, she's good at it, she's got a degree - but she still can't get a job besides the one she's been stuck in for years already, and "still working at the same bank" isn't the sort of thing that feels good to say, especially when you've been in the same place for far longer than you've ever wanted to be.
Her parents love her. Her mother still holds out faith that she'll get that one promotion - just a few more years and you'll get your big break, just a bit more work and they'll notice how industrious you are, just a tiny bit more effort and you'll get a better position - but you can only believe something so much when you feel like you've been stuck in the same rut for so long. There's only so much you can hear about how you have so much potential before you start feeling like you're wasting yourself, and at this point... having the same things repeated starts feeling a bit like every day she doesn't get that break is a day she's wasting her potential.
She does not currently have any non-biological parental figures. Probably a bit late in her life to get one, but who knows at this point, honestly?
🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it?
...there's a lot.
Though her workplace tried to provide accomodations when she first arrived, it's been more than eight years, and nowadays she has to do most of her accomodation herself. Her eyes aren't really made to focus above water, she's got a very different body plan than most people at the branch, she's a predator big enough to make most of the other folks in her branch a bit instinctually nervous, and being one of the only seals that most people know means that she's been re-introduced to the same three harbor seals entirely too many times by now.
People don't really make chairs for people with tails the size of their bodies around here, which means that chair backs that accomodate her are generally a matter of either custom order or hoping that she's going somewhere that's dealt with one of the other half-dozen folks with the same needs.
Penelope is, fundamentally, Not From Around Here. She's not a species that's found around here, she's not a species that's especially adapted for here, and despite being a seal that's only around a metre long she still towers over most of the people at her branch. The closest person to her size is an arctic fox in the tax department, and he still doesn't really have the same sort of experience as her. She doesn't fit The Norm, pretty much in any way, and it... really, really shows.
#asks#we speak#ocs#penelope#we took a while to answer this but anyways heres penelope she works at a bank#and then on weekends she goes to the city to get drunk off her ass and try to forget the overwhelming dread of stagnation#top ten women to expose gaps in your accessibility just by going to your place#she goes to like the same bar every time she goes Out On The Town because its the one bar that another seal works at#and theyre usually pretty good with being Not Awful because of it#anyways the most vital info about her is that she very much needs glasses but she doesnt wear them unless shes at work#the fun thing about seeing other people's ocs is that we'll see so many people making characters who are like#Important. Powerful. Cool. shit like that. and then we are here with our characters like “yeah shes an accountant”#“she feels really stuck in life and like she cant live up to the standards of her family”#“also she has to special-order chair backs bc her tail is the size of her entire torso and no one accommodates for that here”#anthro#we guess#thanks for your patience btw! we spent. way too long figuring out how to summarize her#in case youre wondering she is also struggling with a mid-life sexuality crisis just as a treat for Us Writing Her#for fun. and profit. and also being at that age where she was supposed to have settled down with a nice boy already#and now her mother is dropping increasingly obvious “you know its okay if you have something you need to tell us penelope”#“if there are any special girls in your life that you might want to bring home-”#and she lives halfway across the world and isnt dating anyone or even sure that shes on the dating market anymore#problems disease and etc. this post is over 1000 words already we'll cut it off here
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Be me - Want to write, have the motivation to write
Has too many projects to finish
I wanna finish unravelling, im so close, but also febuwhump starts tomorrow and I've only got like 4 done.
#i am once again stuck between two things#unravelling brainrot where you at i want to finish you#ive got more to write in that area of my works but i have to finish you first#febuwhump 2024 how did you sneak up on me this fast holy shit#I believe in my self#ive already said im not doing all of them just the prompts i like#but the completionist in me is fighting me on this one#ahh yes#(and we cant forget that work is a thing too)#why cant i just be at home and write all day every day#ramble corner with major
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long
#talk post#i love this blog i want to live here#I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg#but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before#WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY#(yelling at a mirror)#seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately#and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week#making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts#and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again#this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row#but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school#and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing#and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year#and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it#like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me#PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE#i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean#i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy”#but things only work for so long#i hate the passage of time#anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff)#walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor#ramble#hit post
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#periodical life updates#maybe when artfight is done i'll ask for avm art reqs; that seems fun. i wanna draw the colorful sticks#(<- has been mainly drawing the stickmin sticks for twitter)#wait i also mentioned i wanted to work on my selfship blog right? fck. and also my part for that map too.#jegus jace r.i.c.k.e.c. starlight youve got so many projects huh. well its good to write them down. ive got this thing i do where once i-#finish a big project i forget all other projects ive ever had. ''i was so caught up in the euphoria of not being busy with artfight anymore#''i forgot that my other projects existed!'' type beat. future jace check here when youre done artfight. you've also got a fic to write!!#and ecas to draw! you also wanted to do an oc sexyman tourney but you wanted to draw everyone portraits first so <3#stickmin comics (charles; randy; jegus we probably cant think of montana just yet) and also i still got the requests from there :'>#maybe a commission sheet. i might do kofi commissions they sound fun. real commissions stress me out hgkjh </3#infinite art project hell hfkjhf </3 didnt do much artfighting today due to dentist appointment. it was very unpleasant.#i need a lot of dental work done. i have to go back next week (RIGHT BEFORE SAHCON TOO LMAO) and i also gotta have my wisdom teeth removed#not then i think (hopefully i dont wanna be fcked up before sahcon :/) but eventually. ugh. mimserable.#my queue's running low again. im tired of filling it back up ough u-u#my new drawing tablet came in btw!! ive been drawing more comfortably again <3 gotta update my progress reports for artfight#ive been watching secret sleepover society though hjdfjkh they played a cute potion making game!! but i'll work on the spreadsheet now hdjk#okay done and posted! gonna take my dental meds and probably sleep or add more stuff to queue?#see ya! <33
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
didn't realise I was angry abt my mum trying to seek emotional reassurance from me until I brought it up in conversation w my roommate and ended up bitching for an hour abt it like. yeah okay I guess I am a bit pissed off !!
#all my childhood i bore the brunt of her emotions and repressed my own in response to the point i still struggle to express myself now!#and we have a better relationship now and i care abt her ofc. but i will never trust her i never want to depend on her again#we can be friendly but we cant be close. that door is SHUT!#i dont even care anymore abt my childhood its whatever i did the work getting over it years ago so i dont need anything from her#so it pisses me off when she acts guilty abt it like well i dont have anything else to offer u. ive forgiven u but i cant forget.#so this is how it is between us now and im not going to cut ties or anything but i am not interested in us being close sorry!#so dont come to my doorstep (<- whatsapp) in the middle of the fucking night with ur anxieties and insecurities girl i dont need it#i try to be polite and neutral but im not going to be baited into putting my time and mental energy towards her problems#and i would NEVER be able to bring any problem of my own to her like this is a completely one way situation. ugh#i work full time and i have my own life and ppl who are important to me in it and shes not one of them. bc of choices SHE made#sigh. seeing her in a few weeks which will be nice we have a couple days planned. and after that hopefully we'll go back to talking less#i just dont wanna deal w this man shes just dredging thru old shit and stirring it up and i cant do that. anyway whatever#this rarely happens now anyway tbf. im sooooo tired i couldn't even go to my gig and now its too late to really do anything except sleep#well ill shower and read a bit i think. but i need an early night bc gym sesh tmr wahoooo im excited#literally itching to be on the walls even tho i was there yesterday im down bad#the last few days have been rly nice and the rest of this week should be rly nice too and i have so many things im happy abt rn :-)#ANDDD my boss finally approved my leave today after i nudged her abt it so i have almost 2 weeks off to look forward to !!#i need to pick another couple of 4 day weekends too in nov/dec if i wanna use up the rest of my leave before it resets.....#anyway yeahhhh okay showertime i need a hot one. and then back to raven stratagem >:)#.diaries
1 note
·
View note
Text
I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈
(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot
(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)
#I love AI as the behemoth it is#yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may#the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like#very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything#and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so#in a personal note#like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone#points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open#and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like#a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah#the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH#Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view#I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings#specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such#also all the very crimi al things#like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for#but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but#now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so#good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien#than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations#ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin#tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai#truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it#isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a#whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it#is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every#single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing#not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will#exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it#even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about
1 note
·
View note
Text
i was playing dmc 3 for the first time and i love how ridiculously over the top it is and i wish capcom did the same for resi like obviously not as outlandish as dmc but again the whole like “dark serious tone” of resi remakes just feels weird as a capcom game and it kinda feels like it insists upon itself
#resizura rants#re2r critical#its kinda like how in the live action beauty and the beast they tried to make it more realistic or self aware#emma watson was like ‘i cant believe im talking to a candle!’ like we get it disney#i think most people got ‘its an enchanted castle and magic’ and the people who didnt are just unimaginative#i think its the worst with re2r because all of the dialogue is written like we’re supposed to be taking everything seriously#but its so tonally disconnected with the events that its out of place#like theyre just saying stuff to sound cool? if that makes sense#like every leon and ada interaction#og ada was stupidly cryptic but also her dialogue was also her trying to get away from leon cause she had work to do#and remake ada is like fully leaning into the *mysterious spy oooh who is this woman femme fatale thing* like its a 1950s noir film#if the trenchcoat already didnt give it away#and honestly them changing ada so much is a huge example of this because she is a spy in aesthetic only#like was ANYONE convinced that she was just a regular fbi agent? no! she was so sus right off the bat!#because they were like ‘we need to make her look like a spy! quick give her a weird coat and glasses!’#they didnt think about how to apply her being a spy other than her clothes and her being ‘mysterious’#taking leon more seriously as a COP making ada cosplay a SPY and forgetting sbout claire its all just too much for me
1 note
·
View note
Text
writing an akutagawa-kyouka (not ship) vent fic except its a hurt/comfort vent fic bc its what wouldve made ME feel better if anyone has issues with it GET OVER IT idc this isnt abt you <3
#maris bsd 🗞️#its basically a fic abt akutagawa thinking too much and kyouka deciding while she doesnt forgive and she cant forget what he did#she is willing to start again with him and akutagawa wondering why bc hes done nothing to deserve another chance#and thinking abt how like if kyouka is willing to start new why isnt he with dazai#and kyouka telling him basically that like he doesnt owe dazai anything and definitely not forgiveness bc he's really not exactly done#anything to earn it and aku is like but i want to forgive him and kyou is like but thats not how that works <3#you can *want* to forgive someone and be unable to because they were shitty to you its called#they were a shitty person and messed with your mental state <3#this technically is part two of a three part series that can be read as standalones#but they make more sense and you see his growth more if you read all three#unfortunately all three are still in my head </3#this is rlly just me trying comprehend trying to forgive my abuser thru aku#bc we went through decently similar things and like#damn.#however instead of just ignoring and replacing me#my abuser decided to try to just forget everything and expected me to do the same#so silly !!! (i want to cuss them out)
0 notes