#(and someone's just like. look. our relationship is so much more deeply rooted than this one wobble. obviously i'll take you back.)

[aeide-thea]

wot show is so obsessed with architecture and tbh i'm not mad about it???

[minawritesfanfic]

You are who you eat

Dexter Morgan x Reader

Word count: 2k

Summary: Dexter ponders if he should go back to rita but wavers as you understand him in ways she could never

Part 5

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☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆

Our second date was better than the first, then the third one was better than that, and so on. We went on several more dates and our relationship, albeit currently undefined, seemed to be going swimmingly and at a beautiful pace. Of course, it had only been a few weeks, so I wasn’t expecting to rush into a relationship right away but I was hoping it would be soon. However, from what I had learned from getting to know Dexter, he would need more than just a few hints to take that next step. I could tell that his hobby took up a majority of his waking moments and that he rarely allowed himself to live life beyond a cover for his killing. Truthfully the more time I spent observing Dexter and his mannerisms the saddened I became, he was like me in a way but his problems were rooted so deeply in him that he must think that being a killer is all he is.

I sighed to myself as I glanced over at Dexter, I had invited him to my place for dinner. We sat hip to hip on my couch, his arm draped over my shoulder and his gaze focused on the TV. He occasionally sipped from the beer in his hand as he quietly watched the sitcom on TV, his grip on the beer was loose and his finger traced the outline of the label. His expression was relaxed and blank as he watched but I swear I could see his lips twitch upwards as he watched the show, eventually, he noticed me staring and glanced over at me curiously.

“Is there something on my face?” I smiled shaking my head.

“No, I just was looking at you was all.”

“You confuse me sometimes, I truly wish I understood you.” He said furrowing his brows before returning to his neutral expression.

“Well I mean you can ask me anything, I’m an open book.”

Dexter paused looking away for a moment thinking likely of what to ask, but it was clear he only had one question in mind. “Why do you do it? You don’t have a dark passenger like I do, and you clearly don’t enjoy it. So why?”

“Oh uh well that’s certainly a heavy question, I want the world to be a cleaner place even if I have to dirty my hands to get there.” Not a total lie but jot exactly the truth, how could I say ‘I eat people’?

Dexter’s face remained neutral and didn’t give his thoughts away, “That’s a very noble cause but I expected you to say as much.”

“You did? I didn’t realize I came off as such a justice freak, do you think that’s a bad thing?”

“Not necessarily, the world needs more people willing to clean up all the trash littering it,” Dexter said with an uncaring shrug.

“That’s a great way to look at things, but now I have a question for you.”

“Hmm?” He faced me fully his eyes locked onto mine.

“Why did you agree to go on a date with me?”

Dexter didn’t respond diverted his gaze but eventually responded still looking away, “I thought things would be easier if I had someone like me by my side.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, we could have very well have just been friends.” I was wary of pushing too hard but I couldn’t help but hope that maybe there was more to it.

“…I thought that you were pretty and intelligent from how fast you were able to find me out, it was very attractive.” He admitted glancing back at me as his body grew stiff.

“Can I ask you another question?” I asked with a smile.

“Another one? What is it?”

“Can I kiss you?” He seemed shocked by the question and froze.

“Just don’t ask me why I said yes later.”

Dexter said as he turned towards me, I hesitated surprised he actually agreed but smiled and leaned over to kiss him. Our lips met uncomfortably and uncertainly at first, but as we both relaxed the kiss softened. I rested my hand on his chest and his hand came up to cup my cheek, the kiss was soft and gentle but quickly heated up due to our close proximity. Our lips parted and he slipped his tongue into my mouth, our tongues danced together slowly as we got to know each other's mouths. Dexter quickly took charge his tongue dominating mine as he set his beer down and pulled me into his lap, further intensifying the kiss. We pulled away for a brief moment to both catch our breaths before our mouths were connected again, I fumbled with the buttons of his shirt as his hands roamed my body curiously.

We both jumped at the sound of Dexter's phone ringing, at first he ignored it but as they called a second time he pulled away and took out his phone. Judging from his expression I assumed it was Deb, I climbed off his lap and let out a small laugh. Dexter looked at me before standing and answering the phone, he wandered off to another part of the house and I just sat there running a hand through my hair. I hadn’t expected things to grow that intense, not that I minded, though the thought of sleeping with Dexter had crossed my mind a few times. Admittedly he was an attractive man, albeit strange and a bit awkward he still had his own charm. I let out a sigh as I sunk back into the couch waiting for him to return, which he did after a while tucking his phone into his pocket. He looked at me with a strange intensity but it quickly disappeared as his neutral expression returned.

“That was Deb calling about the butcher, I need to go.”

“I figured, go it would suck if you got caught so soon.”

“Okay, I’ll call you.”

Dexter turned toward the door but hesitated before opening it, I looked at him confused as he turned back around and approached me. He leaned over me capturing my lips in another kiss as he squeezed my thigh, I was startled but welcomed the kiss. He pulled away prematurely and left me breathless and I just looked up at him slightly aroused but intrigued, he just stared back not saying anything at first before straightening up.

“Let’s pick up where we left off next time.” Before I could respond he was already out the door, leaving me speechless and dumbfounded.

★ ✮ ★

Dexter knew he shouldn’t be doing this this was wrong, he needed to fix things with Rita and make up for the whole Lila situation. But how could he do that when things felt so right with you? The more dates he went on the more he saw how perfectly you would fit into his life compared to Rita, he saw that even more clearly when you didn’t look at him sideways for rushing to his sister's aid. Rita never complained but Dexter always saw the look she gave him, and he’d be lying if it didn’t irritate him. But you were perfectly fine with rescheduling for another night, no questions asked especially when it came to things involving his dark passenger. It was a breath of fresh air Dexter didn’t know he needed, not having to always come up with a reasonable lie because you knew and understood him. It was almost enough to convince him not to turn himself in, how could he put an end to the spark you two had when it had barely even begun? Deb was the final nail in the coffin who truly convinced him not to turn himself in though. It was a good thing he made up his mind when he did as the police were closing in on the cabin and Dexter needed to get there before the police did, he had finally gotten Debto to leave his apartment and he started gathering his tools when he heard the door open again. He hurried out of the bedroom confused as to why Deb had come back but was surprised to see it wasn’t her at all, just you.

“I got a call from work as soon as you left, they found your cabin.” Dexter was momentarily stunned but not surprised that you knew about the cabin.

“I’m trying to head over there now to deal with it, if they find Doakes in a cage it kind of ruins my frame job.” He said turning around and heading back into the room.

“Perfect let me come with and help, two hands are better than one.”

Dexter was about to argue but decided against it as you were right, “Fine, but we do things my way alright?”

“Fine by me, they’re probably already in the woods by now. They found his car twelve minutes ago which I hope was nowhere near the cabin.”

Dexter wasn’t happy to hear that but he prepped his tools even faster, you both were out the door and into his car as fast as possible. Dexter flew through the streets trying to get to the cabin before they did, it was easier to break the speed limits once he was on the old country roads but he wasn’t getting there fast enough. He spied a familiar-looking car speeding as well in the opposite direction but he didn’t think much of it due to the more pressing matters. As he pulled into the dirt path a police officer stopped him from proceeding further, Dexter quickly pulled out his ID and you did the same.

“Hey, Dexter Morgan Maimi metro P.D. Forensics. We’re here to join the search for The Bay Harbor Butcher.”

“I’m from IT but all hands on deck right?” You said and the officer just shrugged it off.

“The search is on hold right now until they sort of the confusion.”

“Confusing, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s a real mess. Take a right at the fork and park outside the line of fire trucks.” Dexter nodded and slowly pulled off.

“Confusion requires firetrucks?” Dexter said aloud.

“And here I was hoping you had an idea of what was going on.”

He continued driving and parked behind the firetrucks, Dexter got out of the car and turned to you but you stayed in the car. He nodded knowing that he had the proper qualifications to be here while you did not, Dexter glanced at you once more before walking away as he put on his forensics jacket. You waved and just sat there watching in awe as they put out the fire, Dexter continued walking until he heard Debra call out to him.

“How the hell did you get here so fast, I just got here and I took a helicopter with Lundy.”

“I broke a lot of speed limits. After you left, I realized you were right. I didn’t want to miss the action. But what happened?”

“They think a propane tank exploded."

“How?” Dexter asked looking away from the fire and at Deb.

“Do I look like a fucking fire chief?”

“Well did they find a body?”

“Just bits and pieces so far,” Deb said as she walked back towards Lundy.

Dexter sighed he was trying to work out in his mind what the hell happened here, at least he knew you weren’t involved seeing as he had been with you all night. He wouldn’t be surprised if Lila was, now that he thought about it he did see her car on the way here. It all seemed to click in his head, she was a serial narcissist and obsessed with him. It made sense she would do something like this to get under his skin, but all Dexter needed to do was confirm his suspicions and he’d have all the justification to kill her. For now, he needed to make sure that his frame job was still going as planned, he would be in trouble if the police believed that Doakes was simply another victim and Dexter couldn’t have that. He had finally been able to relax, he didn’t need the police heavy on his back again.

☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆

[coralinnii]

It’s Him or Grim…and It’s Grim 

Ignoring him to take care of Grim feat: Sebek · Azul · Jade · Riddle genre: fluff note: gn!reader, no pronouns are used, relationships up to interpretation, some of the TWST boys basically taking the L or getting catblocked, 

piece of advice, never bring someone like me to an animal cafe for a date cuz I will ignore you. Also, don't question why I keep changing the banners. I just love messing with pictures of our handsome TWST boys <3

Sebek didn’t say it out loud but he was excited over you visiting him during his club activities. He’s proud to show off his skills on his steed and present his knightly appearance to you. 

Unfortunately, he’s not doing too well when he’s constantly getting into screaming contests with an uninvited guest…Grim 

He didn’t know why he was so surprised though. He should have predicted that wherever you intend to go, the cat-shaped menace will surely follow in curiosity and make a ruckus while he’s here. 

“Nyah, I can ride these crazy horses no problem!” 

“I will not allow it. Beginners need to learn the basics before even attempting to-“ 

Before Sebek could finish, Grim already went ahead and climbed on top of a nearby horse. But, your feline companion accidentally pressed his claws too deeply into the poor horse’s skin and spooked the large animal. 

“Grim!” You screamed when you saw your dormmate being pushed off the horse’s back and landing on his head. You ran to his side while Sebek did his best to calm the horse before it started to run amuck and cause more issues. 

Sebek wanted to scold the reckless cat monster for his actions but he bit his tongue and sighed in exasperation instead since it looked like the konk on the head left Grim feeling woozy. 

“I should bring Grim to the infirmary” you worriedly look at your companion as you cradle his body in your arms. “I’ll see you another time, Sebek. I’m so sorry for disturbing your club time” 

Sebek panicked over your departure, telling you that you could just come back after bringing Grim to the infirmary. He planned so many things today for you, to introduce you to his trusted steed, show off his horse riding skills, and maybe even let you ride with him. 

But you had to decline, wanting to stay by Grim’s side until he feels better. You gave an apologetic smile before you took off with Grim in your arms. You missed the look of utter defeat on the lime-haired freshman. You managed to get out of earshot as Sebek started shouting to himself, declaring to learn from his defeat against that cursed cat. His clubmates however did hear him loud and clear, Riddle looking over in confusion and Silver silently rooting for his fellow knight-in-training. 

“I admit my loss in this battle but I will prevail in our next encounter, Grim. I swear on my honor!”

Azul plans ahead in everything, be it his next business venture or a deal to be made…and definitely when meeting you. He wanted the most optimal results from this meeting he planned with you. He made sure he reserved the best spot in his restaurant that showcases him in the best lighting, the food is to your taste and the ambience sets the mood to his satisfaction. He took everything into consideration. But of course, things don't always go the way he wanted to.

Like Grim coming along with you to your engagement with him. 

“I’m sorry, Azul. Grim was bored in the dorms and Ace and Deuce had make-up classes today” you apologized, Grim in your lap as he gobbled the food Azul had picked out for you. “I hope it doesn’t inconvenience you too much” 

“Of course not,” He lied. “I’m more than generous enough to extend hospitality for even surprise visitors” 

“I gotta hand it to ya, Octavanilla guy! Your food is super delish!” Grim offers his compliments. “I can’t get enough of it!” 

Grim really couldn’t. He ordered seconds and thirds (RIP to your wallet) and didn’t stop himself from practically inhaling the food the moment it reached the table. It was a real mood killer for Azul. The silver-haired entrepreneur couldn’t find his opening and soon he’s left to watch you from the sidelines as your focus was solely on the fattened cat who is grumbling in your lap. 

“Nyahhhh…my tummy hurts~” Grim cried as his stomach ached. You let out a sigh as you did your best to soothe the monstrous feline. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s because you just ate your weight in food” you quipped which earned a weak whine from Grim. 

Azul just couldn’t believe his plan went to ruins by simply adding Grim into the equation. Any attempt for your attention is ripped away by Grim’s loud munching or simply you turning away from his gaze to reprimand the messy feline as you cleaned his dirty face. 

He needs a new plan, and a contingency plan should anything like today happen again. He needs back ups to distract him, perhaps Kalim- 

“Azul” your voice snapped him out from his thoughts. “I might need some money after how much Grim ate today. Do you think I could pick up some shifts in the lounge?” 

Oh, Azul could work with that. 

“Oh no, it seems that Grim has left you in quite a predicament. Come, vent your woes to me”

Jade was excited to show his treasured terrarium collection to you. It would be delightful if you were to grow to share his interest caring for these fascinating flora, something only you and he would share in this whole campus. Imagine…Just you and him alone together, standing close to each other as you admire his projects. 

Well, that’s what he imagined…but often fantasies do not match reality as he was not alone with you as he had hoped. 

“These are some funky lookin’ mushrooms ya got here” Grim narrowed his eyes on one of the colorful mushrooms that seems to have just fully matured. “Henchhuman, you think they’re edible?” 

“I personally don’t think so but you should ask Jade” you turned to Jade, the first time in a while he would add if he were the petty type. But of course he wasn’t. 

“I believe so but I have yet to test my theory on that” Jade smiled down at the small creature which sent shivers down his back. “Are you volunteering yourself for a taste test?”

“Nyah, as if!” Grim yelled out as he backed away from the menacing aura Jade was exuding. In his panic, the monster student accidentally ran his paw over a pair of scissors which snagged his fur and pulled from his skin painfully. Grim let out a painful yelp which made you rush over to your dormmate’s side, worriedly looking over your friend. “Grim, what happened?” 

“My beautiful fur! It got cut!” Grim made an inaccurate assumption but to his defense, it did sting really bad and you could see some of his fur on the pair of scissors. So, you proceeded to check over Grim’s paw for any wounds. 

Jade stood in the sidelines as he watched you handle the monster’s paw, gently sweeping the fur to check for any blood, even blowing on it to ease the poor creature’s pain. The eel merman slightly drooped his shoulders, this was his loss. 

Walking over, Jade picked up the offending scissors that caused all this fuss. His heterochromatic eyes inspected the tool as he admitted that it was getting dull and he should replace them soon or something like this may occur again… Oh? 

You heard something fall behind you which made you turn to know the source. You saw the pair of scissors that Jade picked up back on the floor and your ocean-haired senior was holding one of his hands in the other. “Jade?” 

“Oh dear, it seems that I have accidentally nicked myself as well” Jade looked at you with his best pleading eyes, holding his hand towards you. “Could you help me?” 

“…can’t you do it yourself?” 

“Ah, it hurts quite a bit I don’t think I could focus enough to check my wound” Jade sighed as he clutched his poor hand in his own. He looked to you with pleading eyes and despite your suspicions, you accepted to help your senior and carefully took Jade’s “injured” hand into your own. With your eyes focusing on searching for this supposed wound, Jade smiled as he shared a glance with Grim behind you which scared the poor creature. 

“It seems I have quite the challenge on my hands. How interesting” 

Riddle worked up the courage to invite you to spend the day with him alone and when you accepted, he made sure that everything was perfect. Only Trey was aware of your intimate outing since he offered to take up any non-urgent Housewarden work during Riddle’s day with you so no one else was aware that you and Heartslabyul's leader were meeting. 

Everything was going smoothly, albeit a little stiff in the beginning. Riddle was shocked by how nervous he was. The teacup in his hand was shaking in his grip as he sat just across from you from the small table. 

Eventually the atmosphere settled and soon the two of you relaxed and chatted over trivial topics, enjoying each other’s presence over anything. But alas, good things must come to an end, but not in the way Riddle had planned. Instead, your date was interrupted when the two of you heard a loud call of your name from a distance, from a very familiar voice

“Henchhuman, you went ahead and got grub without me?!” Grim accused you, immediately climbing onto your lap without your complaint. This was his natural seat after all. Then, more voices were heard coming close.

“Grim, there you are. Don’t run off like that- Ahh Housewarden!” Like a storm, Ace and Deuce walked into the once private space while running after Grim then froze in place when they noticed their senior, who seemed to be a really bad mood right now. “Sorry, Housewarden. Grim said he smelled something good and went running over” 

Apparently, Grim was getting hungry and since Ace and Deuce were short on money, the cat-like monster went on the hunt for any morsel of food and caught a whiff of the tarts Riddle had prepared. However, mere tidbits of sweets were not enough to satiate this monster’s blackhole of an appetite. 

“Let’s go to the shop, I want fancy tuna tonight!” Grim whined to you, lightly clawing at your shirt. 

Riddle wanted to scold the furry student for being shameless in his demands but you reassured the redheaded senior that this is a common occurrence, considering you were in charge of handling the allowance you receive from Crowley so Grim tends to ask you to buy things for him. 

“We can go see if Sam has any in stock” you smiled at your gluttonous dormmate then looking to Riddle “I’m sorry, Riddle. I had fun today but we should get going before Sam’s shop closes” 

Riddle, stunned in the sudden shift in his plans, could only offer a nod as you let Grim yank you away to walk faster towards the merchant’s store. He wanted to walk you home and perhaps invite you to another engagement with him. But in the end, he was left in your dust with his other Heartslabyul dormmates and very awkward silence. 

Though three students quickly turned to one as Ace and Deuce silently snuck away from the scene. After being in the Queen of Hearts-inspired house for a while, they can when to book it lest they want to be collared by their hot-tempered Housewarden. 

“I was caught off-guard by that surprise…I will take this as a learning experience for the future”    

[nicromancytarot]

DESCRIBING YOUR SOUL TRIBE

This is a general channelling based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my readings are not for you.

I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes. I do not charge for these readings, and I do not fake these.

PICK A CARD READING

I asked my spirit guides what your soul tribe is like, pick a picture and find out what they had to say!

Pile 1 ———> Pile 2 ———> Pile 3

PILE 1

You guys are girls girls lmao, even if you do not necessarily identify as a girl, your connection is so deeply rooted in the comfortability, and trust you have for one another. These are the people you will always feel good around when telling them your most vulnerable stories and moments of your life, these are the people who will make you feel heard and seen in more than one way.

Pink can be significant, maybe the things they say make your cheeks blush, or perhaps there is a level of nostalgia in this group. You may already have these friends, or they could even be from your childhood, people who you were friends with in your early childhood, but drifted away from in your later years, perhaps due to parting ways, attending different schools, meeting new people. Even if these people aren’t directly from your past, you will feel as though they were. Sometimes you could even have a situation of “wait, were you there when this happened?” Or “omg, do you remember this?” and it’s years before you guys even met lol.

You’ll feel very much like these people are meant for your life. They may even help with healing childhood trauma, helping you grow into a better person, and I think mainly for your pile, they will help you open up about the stuff that you don’t like talking about.

I feel like you guys share an interest in something or someone, like maybe the majority of your types are the same, or you’re all obsessed over this one celebrity who’s like thirty years your senior. Some of you may even meet this group of people at a concert, perhaps you go alone and then make friends while you’re there.

Names: Sinclair, So/unny, Charlotte, Olive/r/ia, Dalton, Ghost, Gabriella/Gabriel, Florence, Danni/y, Alex/a/is.

PILE 2 18+

Firstly, I can see a common interest between you all, this could be due to the place you meet, or the shared environment you’re in, perhaps even just something that you access through social media. Some of you may find that you meet these people when you’re in trouble for something, like detention at school, or being rushed into your boss’ office for doing something you weren’t supposed to do. There may be couples within this friendship, however the couples might try and be discreet with this, making out when the others are doing something else, sneaking suggestive glances from across the room; it’s forbidden, but all so tempting. You may find that you are the one in a relationship with this, and a number of you could meet your future spouse, or at least a very important partner while in this friendship.

18+ You guys might lowkey switch partners every now and then for some freaky time, like they get with your partner, and you get with theirs while all in the same room. Also friendly foursomes could be a thing for you even if you’re not dating. Perhaps a make out sesh with one or a few of your friends.

You guys are incredibly intelligent, I’m fr getting women in STEM, so you could be doing something like that, you could meet during an important conversation you have with someone. Maybe even a science fair, your friendship revolves a lot around intellectual abilities.

People may look at the group, or you look at it and think that you make no sense together, like some of you come off super cool and extroverted, meanwhile others keep to themself, and appear introverted. However, all while their are many differences, you guys are super alike.

Names: Otis, Shelby, Shiela, Shaun, Andy/rew, Xander, Poppy, Elizabeth, Daniel/Danielle/Daniella, Bea/trice.

PILE 3

You guys are the group who pretend they party, like you and your fated friends go out of your way to make out to the rest of your audience, followers, people that you know, showing them that you can have a good time. This could be an inside joke for you guys. You’re very social media based, you could post them a lot on social media, and they do the same to you. People on the outside will look at this friendship and beg that they one day manage to meet people just like you have.

I did get the word “pot,” so either you guys are flourishing like a flower, or you’re doing pot in your bedrooms discreetly. These friends could be the only ones you feel comfortable enough around to do drugs, or alcohol, as you may worry about how you could act out, and who would be there to support you during a time where you cannot support yourself.

Physically in looks, you guys compliment each other so well, you could have a friend of each hair colour, you could all check out what each person is wearing before you go out, just to ensure that you all look good as a group.

You let them into your sacred spaces, and they let you into theirs. Your friendship, and strength thereof is so prominent, you could say a single word in a fit of rage, and the others would immediately know what to do to deal with, or deescalate the situation. They know you like a book, they analyse all you say; word and vowel.

Some of you, if not all could have some type of matching device, jewellery, something in which you share in common. This could be pictures of you all in a photobooth stuck in the back of your phone case, or a friendship bracelet you all wear, a favourite song that you share, or maybe even a shared and interactive playlist that you all love.

Names: Lola, Tina, James, Shauna/Shona, Timothy, Bianca, Celius/Cecelia, Honey, Finley/Finlay, Kyra/Kira/Kiera/Keira.

[vigilskeep]

you gonna check out Vows & Vengeance? Would love to get your first impression/takes on it

yeah i listened to ep 1 this morning!! one comment without context: the line “more or less” made me choke on my drink

some comments with spoilery context under the cut:

nadia & elio are fine, i wish their dialogue was a little less uhhh self-aware and expository (“we are having an argument and this is exactly how i feel and i will explain why my backstory is responsible! now i will state your character flaws clearly out loud for the audience!”) that’s a pet peeve of mine. they and their relationship feel a bit generic to me overall. like i say they’re just kind of fine

i guess i did enjoy that nadia’s right and elio does act like a magister and immediately try to solve problems like a magister when they come up. i always like when there’s a new character and the things they say ring true for where they’re coming from, it makes them feel uhhh rooted in the world? i suppose tevinter social class being plot relevant at all is nice in terms of just knowing they’re grounding things in the established lore

people announcing their spells by name so that you know what’s going on was deeply goofy i can’t decide whether or not i loved it

neve attempting to freeze an entire fucking bay to stop a boat and only failing because a magister cast his way out was insane. i said this about her protective dome in the initial gameplay reveal, but she is doing magic on a level we simply have not seen

ummmmm i liked the appearance from our good old wolf pal. it’s funny i feel like i’ve gotten much more fond of him lately. but at the same time whenever we’re not seeing him from an inquisition inner circle member’s perspective i kind of re-learn the way i saw him when he killed felassan at the end of the masked empire. the way i see him when he’s not the guy the inquisition knows, you know? he seems more dangerous and unpredictable to me when we’re looking through a different set of eyes than as one of the people he had to interact with for so long and deal with as people rather than merely obstacles to his greater purpose. i don’t inherently trust him or put anything past him in the same way when he’s dealing with someone he doesn’t have that uh soft spot for

though that “i’m sorry” when things went bad seems demonstrative of the effect dai had on him. it’s not exactly the response of a man who can still convince himself these aren’t really people. anyway no idea what happened in that funny little ritual but rip to another of his a+ plans. you’ll get there one day buddy

not entirely convinced at all that it’s really elio that nadia is hearing 😬

the idea that a person in tevinter hears the words “the hinterlands” and immediately knows it means the hinterlands in ferelden (which i can only assume is what it means) is so stupid i was genuinely taken aback like be serious jsgsjsjsk

[astriiformes]

minnesota gang <3 id love to hear your thoughts on living here as someone from out of state, if u wanna share!

Of course -- I always enjoy when other people get excited about my Minnesota blogging, haha.

For context I grew up in Arizona and then Colorado, and spent a fair bit of time in both Oregon and California visiting family, so I am very much from the west. Minnesota's been an interesting place to end up because of the ways it does/doesn't overlap with it. Like, I deeply, deeply miss the mountains, which are the part of the country that truly has my heart, but I've come to love a lot of the nature here as well, particularly the fact that the Twin Cities have a much healthier relationship with natural spaces than a lot of other urban areas. Just today a friend and I were walking on a bridge across the Mississippi and stopped midway to look out over it for a while. I love that there are city parks with waterfalls here, and that it's not uncommon to see eagles in and around the lakes, and that I've found fossils and geocaches clambering down steep gorges along the river. It's nice.

(And I especially love the nature up north, even though I've only been a few times -- Lake Superior is awe-inspiring, the glacial geology here is fascinating to me as someone who loves the natural sciences, hopping across the stepping stones at the mouth of the Mississippi up at Itasca is kind of mind-boggling, the trees up there feel a lot more like home, and as a certified Wolf Guy, learning that Minnesota is home to more wolves than anywhere in the contiguous "west" has genuinely delighted me.)

But I've also just loved the community I've found here. A large part of the reason I left Colorado was because Denver was just too expensive for me to consider (I was living with my family, in a suburb outside the city that was really stifling and lonely), and I really thought a lot of the places I could find real belonging would have too high a price tag, which I think is a common fear for queer folks who have mostly heard about big eastern and western cities as safe havens. The Twin Cities have given me everything I wanted in that regard. I have so many queer friends here, some of whom are more like family at this point, have regularly had coworkers like me and even had one job where I was encouraged to be fairly loudly out (and got to do some neat outreach as a result), and these days in particular am counstantly counting myself lucky to live in a state fighting for the rights of its transgender population.

And I've found community in other ways, too! There's a really vibrant, creative geek scene here, that's hung onto more of its old-school fandom roots -- probably my favorite convention anywhere is right here in Minneapolis (CONvergence), and there's a wonderful filk community in the area. I love, love, love my very queer, very social justice-oriented synagogue and that there are interesting Jewish community events going on with some frequency (and that I've even found a great deli to buy hamantaschen at every Purim!). And man. 2020 was a hard year here, but I'm going to remember the ways my neighbors and I stepped up for each other for the rest of my life. When the rest of the country was acting like our cities had burned to the ground, I felt like I was seeing the best of humanity from so many of the people around me. There were a couple days my qpp and I drove around just... taking pictures of all the art that had sprung up around the Cities, and on the boarded windows we knew would be taken down, because people had made them blossom with color and rebellion and love while they were up.

All told, there's a lot of neat things here. There's a lot of problems, too, but it's not hard to look around and see people fighting to solve them -- and in the meantime, there's plenty of joy and community to cling to. I've been fortunate enough to live in a few different parts of the country and have fallen in love with each of them in their own way, but Minnesota took me by surprise. I always thought of it as one of the quieter, more boring Midwestern states and I'm glad to have learned otherwise.

(I am also a cold weather guy through and through, despite my desert roots, so the winters treat me just fine, ha. The camaraderie through the blizzards and below-zero temperatures is another very real part of the state's charm.)

[problematicfactive]

im a factive of someone who our host cares about deeply but at the same time wishes it didnt. im a factive of someone who doesnt care about us at all anymore. im a factive of a girl who has been nothing but awful to my host.

im a factive of someone who has caused so much pain for our host and sometimes i feel bad but i didnt do it

its not my fault

and its going to talk a bit for our host to accept that but when he does im ready to be friends. i want to be friends. i just dont know how to act towards my host other than hating him because thats how my source treats him. but im learning.

im learning that i can be my own person and i dont have to be the same as my source and i dont have to have the same opinions of people as my source.

and ill never replace my source for the host, it'll never care about me the same way it cares about her, but i can try and help. and i dont have to compound on the hatred my source throws his way.

im learning that as i go and sometimes its hard. most times its hard to imagine my host without jumping out into disgust. but im learning.

-leah

You, as a person, Leah, you are a wonderful person. I can tell based entirely in the amount of insight you're willing to put into yourself. Only people who are good people can put that kind of insight in themselves.

I'm really sorry that your source has turned into a point of pain within your system. No one deserves that. Relationships (weather romantic, platonic, familial etc) hurt badly when they break, especially on a bad note, and I can only imagine that your position in this instance makes the situation a trillion times harder for you.

But you're already on the first step to making things easier for yourself. You're able to recognize that you aren't your source and that is A LOT.

To be able to separate yourself. To be able to write out and believe the words "I didn't do it. It's not my fault" to understand you dint have to be a 1 to 1 of your source. That's the starting point. You're looking at freedom.

Start slow on recognizing yourself. Find things you like. Are they things your source likes? If not, wonderful, and if so, that's also wonderful! Recognize that your interests are your own, and jut because you do or dont share som with source doesn't make you any more or less of your source than the amount you feel.

It will he hard to be able to build a good, trusting relationship with you host. Especially because of your circumstances.

But I know you can do it.

Feel free to message me if ever you need a vent.

My boyfriend and I are both rooting for you.

[k-s-morgan]

Hello!

Just wanted to share with you a few songs that remind me of your masterpieces 🥰

First and foremost I want to tell you that WHGTB is my favorite work among all Tommary fandom that I have read all the time and I read a lot. I cherish it and looking forward to reread it once memories fade away a bit 😅

The song that really remind me of it is ‘If I killed some for you’ by Alec Benjamin, literally sends WHGTB vibes all the way!

And as for ATLWETD, omg so excited for this one! I already crave for the drama and angst it brings! I think Beth Crowley’s ‘In the end’ very much fits it perfectly, you should listen to it!! Hope it will give some inspiration too 😊

Hi! Thank you for these recs, I've never heard any of these songs before and I really loved them!

The WHGTB one definitely perfectly reflects Tom and his way of thinking. I don't even know which memorable moments to pick because almost every line fits!

I'm sorry that I did this The blood is on my hands I stare at my reflection I don't know who I am

This really illustrates the duality of thoughts and feelings Tom had regarding his own personality. He never felt regret over hurting or killing anyone, but he felt it through the prism of his intense love for Harry. Harry mattered more to him than anything or anyone in the world: Tom craved his love and approval and he dreaded his disappointment. Trying to change in order to become someone who Harry wouldn't feel torn about loving re-defined Tom to the point where sometimes it was difficult to assess him as his own person. Harry set his roots in him very deeply.

Just let me explain No, I wouldn't tell you lies I know you'll understand If you let me stay the night

This is another passage that echoes what Tom was thinking so often. That if Harry just stayed, just let him explain, everything would be fine. Only they saw too many things way too differently, so Tom miscalculated more than once.

You have to understand that The one I killed is me Changing what I was For what you wanted me to be I followed your direction Did everything you asked I hope that makes you happy 'Cause there's just no turning back

There is nothing to even add here, it's 100% Tom and his thoughts.

And I'm so excited that you're enjoying ATLWETD! The song you mentioned fits extremely well, I'm kind of amazed. This part:

I saw you and recognized right from the start We're both ruined, with matching insatiable hearts And I knew that, one day, we'd take this too far

Could be a summary of the story. And this

My misgivings fade into nothing When I touch your skin and Feel your heart beat next to mine I'm not living if I don't have you at my side

Is a wonderful image of the future, where Tom and Harry's relationship will become more intimate. Like in WHGTB, they see things so differently, but their love for each other will drown out everything else.

I can tell that we're going to destroy one another Our twin flames could ignite the whole world For each other … Separated, at opposite ends of the Earth Is it fated, the way my path leads back to yours? Though I hate it, I've never desired something more Yes, I hate it But you leave me desperate for more

Yep, absolutely :D A good prediction for the future. The desperate hate that will always be a part of their many-layered bond.

I don't want to stay away from you So I won't even try You say you will stay away from me We both know that's a lie

And this part, too. Both Tom and Harry will be so certain that they can stay away from each other, but every time, their will-will crumble, and eventually, even they won't be able to pretend.

Thank you for sharing these songs and for your wonderful ask, I love seeing such fantastic recs, they are incredibly inspiring!

[lenteur]

random thoughts about tell me that you love me, episode eleven

(the rest is under the cut because i'm worried about your eyes having to read ALL OF THAT and this post might contain spoilers)

Maybe it's the tiredness talking or my very studious nature? But isn't (uni days) seo kyung supposed to help jin woo follow classes and understand what the teachers are saying? I mean he already has a hard time following everything the teacher says no matter how good his lip reading skills are. I think it's kind of selfish in a way for seo kyung to distract him like that? Trust me, I've had classes that were boring but the least I could do is endure it and not distract others during said classes. I woke up and chose both pettiness and violence today I know.

That breakup scene is way more complex than I thought. I'm gonna be honest, at first, I was about to take it all out on seo kyung for being so egotistical and insensitive but I'm qualifying what I'm saying. Sure, telling your lover "You're lucky you live in a silent, peaceful world" when it's not something he wanted to happen to him is very insensitive. Especially when we know seo kyung's father is also deaf. But at the same time she feels remorse because she knows he did nothing wrong. She then tells us her mother left her father because she couldn't bear the weight of it all, no matter how hard she tried. Seo kyung did the same thing with jin woo. It's unfortunate but part of me can understand where seo kyung comes from. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's trash to breakup with someone with a disability and giving them the excuse of "I can't be with you because of your disability. I've tried and tried but I can't." because you knew they had a disability when you first met them, it's not like they've hidden their disability from you and you suddenly discovered it one morning.

The saddest part is jin woo would've let seo kyung hate and resent him as long as she stayed by his side. He was okay with being insulted and hated because he loved her that much.

Talking about the breakup brings me back to all the times jin woo has showed distance towards mo eun because he felt like loving him was a burden. Looking back, I now see where all of these thoughts stem from.

Seo kyung apologizing to him now feels a little selfish like she just wants to get rid of that burden and move on. But at the same time, I do recognize that being that young she might not have been well prepared to be in a relationship with jin woo. Yes, I know she grew up with a deaf father but that doesn't mean being in a relationship with someone with the same disability is going to be easy. Love is involved in both relationships, but it's not the same kind (of love). Romantic love is much more different than a father/daughter love.

It's interesting to see how jin woo answered. He tries to stay strong and say we each went on our own path and how he reacted to the breakup was his decision, it had nothing to do with her. It's like he's building a wall between them because, no matter how hard he tries to deny it, he's still deeply affected by the breakup. He still bears the consequences of the breakup after all these years. He isolated himself for seven years. He has a hard time letting people in his life because he's scared he's going to be a burden for them. He's building a wall between them because he knows if it crumbles down, he'll be even more hurt by what might happen. The only time he let his guard down and let someone in his life, the result was not pretty (aka the whole breakup and everything that happened after).

His time with seo kyung has taught him a lot of things.

I'm rooting for ji yu to be happy 💚 She looks so cute!!!

Domestic moments between jin woo and mo eun my beloved

I like that throughout this episode, we can see how seo kyung and jin woo react differently to the breakup. Jin woo seems to have done all the work to put those memories in the past. He doesn't want anything to do with them. He wants to forget the past and move on. He was the one who got dumped then and wanted to understand why seo kyung suddenly broke up with him. He was ready to stay with her no matter what. But now, after the seven years spent alone and mo eun, he began a new life. On the contrary, seo kyung who left him so suddenly then is now the one trying to ask questions and wanting to redeem herself after realizing her mistakes. It's like their roles got switched.

The meaning of dino is so deep. Being mocked by his classmates because he couldn't pronounce his own name correctly. And then associating dino to the name of a "stoop-shouldered man whose life didn't go his way". Maybe that's why he always draws people's backs?

Him not using his real name so others could read the story of the people he's drawing

I knew do hun was the stalker and he had something to do with the burning of the school building

It was an okay episode so 8/10

[diary-of-you]

November 6, 2020

I can see your sadness in the things you post and the glimpses I catch of your face. You look like you’ve been broken and I know it’s in part by me, and that kills me. You are an incredible human. You deserve love and kindness and sweetness. You deserve someone to sing along to every beautiful melody you create and to cherish every line of every song you write for them. This was me at one point love, I tried and tried to be as much of that girl as I could possibly be. But that wasn’t actually ME, that was the me who wanted to make you whole. That wanted to love you so deeply that you couldn’t feel the sadness that lives inside your bones. That sadness isn’t something you should be afraid of or hide from, it’s something you should learn from, something to help you grow into your best version. I wouldn’t take back one single moment of our love because you taught me so much more than I thought I could learn, far more than I suspected I needed to know. You taught me to accept love, to recognize when it’s someone else’s feelings and not my own, and how to work through that together. We tried to make it work repeatedly and now I know it didn’t because though we felt at some points like we were meant to be forever, we both knew that was untrue. We both tried to wait until the other changed just a fraction and then maybe we’d have felt complete but that’s not the pure form of love we were craving. Someone will come along, maybe someone you’ve already met, and they will make you realize that what we had was just a stepping stone to get you where you belong. We weren’t perfect, though no relationship ever truly is, but you deserve someone more like you. More raw and open with their emotions and feelings, who’s able to express to you with a song or with a poem how you mean everything to them. I will never deny that you carved out a home in my heart, you’ll always have a place there which is why I wanted to say this to you. I care so deeply about you and my heart hates to see you hurting so badly. Please be kind to yourself, please don’t let this world make you hard and bitter. Don’t let our failed love make you believe that all women are evil because I promise we aren’t. I don’t know if you’ve come to realize yet that we weren’t meant to be, that it wasn’t all okay between us even just a majority of time. But I hold not a single shred of ill will against you because you have a beautiful mind and heart and soul. I treasure all of the lessons I learned from you. I will always remember how loved and cared for you made me feel. There were quite a few bad days and I can tell you now, looking back and having my feelings less tangled up in you and me, that you are the greatest thing that I needed. You helped me move on from a broken past and helped heal me and I am hopeful that in some way I did the same for you. I hope you learned from me that you are more than the childhood you were brought up in, or the beliefs of your family. You are an entirely unique and incredible human. I know that me being distant probably feels to you like I don’t care but I do, I’m rooting for you from afar. I really hope you get every single amazing thing I know you deserve. Please stay strong and take care of yourself, you are so important to so many people and I think sometimes you forget that. With love, Me.

[moon-cycling]

brothers

I feel so incredibly heavy - or rather that there is a huge heavy energy around me. I fought back tears all morning - after letting it release all evening. Hearing the sweet voice of someone I love this afternoon softened me enough to cry some more. I went to yoga, had a green juice, layed down for a few minutes. Feeling lighter just writing these words.

I feel the wholeness of life and choices and love so deeply in this moment. My dad is losing his brother to a sickness that my dad has himself. A parallel reality looking us in the eyes, seeing what could have happened to my dad. To our life together. And for my dad, to be losing his brother in a slow, painful, seemingly void of purpose way. 

It makes me feel like how did they both end up like this - and how can I not do the same? I believe they both just drank heavily from an early age. The teenage curiosity and fun of exploring altered states of consciousness, over the course of decades - turning into dependence on one liquid alone. Vodka for my dad, rum for my uncle - captain morgan specifically. Which I also used to love in high school, now I love vodka. 

When comparing myself to the men who came before me in my family, and one woman in particular (my mom), I do feel a departure from the patterns that left my family in less than ideal emotional circumstances. My only serious relationships before now were with drug dealers and users, although towards the end of my last relationships, things were quite mellow and my ex really had turned his life around in terms of selling drugs. Nonetheless, my early adulthood was filled with tripping, pills, so much cannabis, drinking a lot at different points, and experimenting with any drug I came across. 

Now I smoke weed every day, and occasionally drink too much to the point of having a hangover. I will eat shrooms once every few months or more, and my chosen upper is green tea. I also smoke a fair amount of tobacco in spliffs at night or on the weekends. I think what I am feeling now is the fear that my use of any of those substances will worsen, and I will lose my life to a drug like my uncle has. Lately I have been really re-evaluating my relationship to weed, and trying to consume it more consciously as opposed to impulsively, and it's made me feel a lot healthier and in control. I cannot really imagine myself getting to a point in life that I am so dependent on alcohol that it truly affects my wellbeing, although you could say that all alcohol is poison so maybe it is better to just avoid. 

And maybe that is the really deep internal struggle. That my puritan christian & puritan dad soul roots are taking the position that all substances are negative and should be avoided. But I am honestly just realistic with myself that this is where I am at and I don’t need to shame myself, just try to have a healthier relationship to these things every day. But honestly, if I was going to get some kind of addiction gene, thank god I became so into weed and not something else… I say that’s a generational win.

What makes me the most emotional is my dad’s zen attitude about it all. He has the love of a true parent, and he inspires me so much to be a happy, conscious person.

[luvstrology]

saturn opposite chiron

-this aspect is usually one that suggests a difficult or wounded relationship with the father or a key father-like/authoritative figure in a persons life; people with this aspect may have had a challenging relationship with their father [or similar figure] who may have been overbearing, unfair, aggressive while in some ways simultaneously distant, absent or caught up in his own wounds/struggles

-people with this placement may have a tendency towards feelings of inadequecy, self doubt, low self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of confidence in their abilities, imposter syndrome, feeling undeserving, feeling pressured to be perfect etc

-however, not only do they struggle with these feelings towards themselves, those with this aspect may also be quite judgemental towards others also; perhaps often rejecting others, being a harsh critic, setting unrealistic expectations for others, projecting their fears onto others, expecting the worst from others. a lot of the time they do not act this way out of intentional negativity towards others; usually this is a projection/representation of how they were treated by others or how they treat/think of themselves

-they may find themselves working tirelessly in order to achieve some sense of feeling enough; although a lot of the time they are chasing an unnatainable goal as their feeling of inadequecy is often very deep rooted and not so easily resolved through unrelated achievements

-people with this aspect may commonly feel extremely uncomfortable around anyone who is particularly authorative, aggressive, strict, harsh etc as they hate being in situations where they may be treated unfairly, looked down upon, judged etc which may stem from experiences from their childhood or interactions they had early in their life [again, possibly influenced by their father figure or a key authorative figure in their lives]

-because of this, they may feel very uneasy around authority figures such as bosses, teachers, people they deem 'better' than them or intimidating etc

-it is often common for people with this aspect to hold on to a lot of trauma, both their own and that of those closest to them/around them; they may feel responsible for it in some way or feel like they need to hold onto it to relieve others from doing so. a lot of the time, they do this quietly so people may not realise or notice just how much they are dealing with or trying to process

-furthermore, while one person may experience something and let go of it quickly/easily, overcome or forget about it, a person with this aspect is much more likely to keep the trauma of it with them, sometimes very deeply

-people with this aspect may experience family related issues or may struggle to feel secure within their family or loved by family members; they may find it difficult to comprehend that family can be loving, safe, secure, caring, etc. this does not always mean they have a traumatic response/relationship with their family, they may just feel very distant to their family or alienated from their family, like they don't fit in

-they may struggle to find their place in the world; their fear of rejection combined with their fear of abandonment can cause them to both hold on to things that do not serve them while not making the most out of potential opportunities due to fear of failure/rejection, they may also be very suspicious of others and struggle to trust others, often keeping people at arms length and struggling to develop the deep connections they have craved for so long

-at times, people with saturn opposite chiron may feel like their relatioinship with themselves is what holds them back from healing, connecting with others or achieving what they want. they may struggle with lonliness and even feel like they deserve to feel this way. they may also struggle with feelings of shame, dissapointment or resentment when it comes to how they feel about themselves

-they may feel like they don't ever fit in; they may feel so far away from others and find it hard to connect with people. they might believe that they have too many problems which prevent them from establishing healthy relationships/connections with others. because of this, they may trick themselves into believing that they are simply destined to be independent and self sufficient; that they do not need anyone other than themselves and because of this may feel very dissapointed, guilty, weak or even ashamed in themselves if they ever feel like they want/need a relationship as so often they assume that to depend on someone else is a weakness for them

-because it is common for them to hold on to trauma/emotions etc for others, it may be also common for people with this aspect to feel upset if they do not feel needed by others; so often, they have a tendency to pride themselves for holding it all together and being there for others [even if it is detrimental to themselves] and it gives them a sense of security to fit themselves into others' lives by being useful or serving a purpose. if they do not feel needed by others, they may feel discarded, unwanted, useless, misplaced; their sense of purpose is taken away from them and without that they may feel like they have nothing left as they are given security by giving so much of themselves to others [so that they don't have to deal with their own issues]

-sometimes, people with this aspect may struggle with trying to understand their trauma or issues [chiron rules our wounds and struggles] and because of this they may find themselves behaving in very self-destructive ways in order to 'recreate' or find the trauma so that they can understand it in the present and heal, although this usually does more harm than good because it causes them to stray further and further away from the root of the problem

-this can be a very, very difficult aspect to have; people with it may become very withdrawn at times, absorbed in their own problems/traumas/wounds, lost in their own head, obsessing over the unfairness of what they are feeling/what they have been through

-the lesson of this aspect is to learn how to deal with pain and trauma that stems from the wound caused by chiron; we are never to blame for the bad things that have happened to us and we should never blame ourselves for it. however, the influence of saturn on this aspect is urging us to have more control over how we allow our pain to affect our lives; it encourages us to decide how much power we give to the pain and trauma in our life and be in control of how we continue living with it

-although this is a particularly challenging and painful aspect to have, the influence of saturn [ruler of restriction, rules, control, limitation] encourages people to limit how much pain and power this trauma caused by chiron holds over them, it encourages people to choose healing to overcome their issues; rather than cycles of self destruction or revisiting old trauma hoping for a different outcome

-it is often beneficial for people with this aspect to learn/understand/acknowledge that while wounds [chiron] may not dissapear or be completely forgotten about, they still have potential to be in control [saturn] of how much of an impact they have; this aspect is trying to teach that trauma doesn't have to define a person and that people are able to regain control even after struggling with something

[spilledkauffie]

Game Night

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader Word Count: 2.2k T/W: fluff A/N: Part 2 of Bingo — a few months later

I am SO SORRY this took me way longer to post than it should have!

Bucky Tag List: @anreeixcobra ❤︎ @tsnelf7 ❤︎ @fandom-princess-forevermore​

It was Friday night, which meant one thing: Game Night. Ever since Yori introduced you at Bingo, you made it a tradition in your relationship to play board games on Fridays. For the most part you kept it to fairly modern games, but tonight was going to be a surprise.

Tonight it was your place, 8 o’clock. Bucky showed up with a six pack of root-beer in glass bottles. You added a few to the fridge as he found his usual seat at your apartment table. He waited for you to round the small apartment’s bar and join him. Sliding the glass bottles across the table to Bucky, you smiled, biting in your bottom lip, as he slid your bottle back, now without its top.

Easily he popped the top off his own bottle with his left hand; it was as he was about to take a sip that he caught sight of your look, “what?” he furrowed his eyebrows, questionably. 

“So. . . tonight,” you tried not to giggle.

“What?” Bucky asked again, this time finding himself following your smile despite his will not to.

“Tonight is going to be special,” you clasped your hands together, “because I found some stuff that’s as old as you.”

“Wow, thanks,” Bucky said sarcastically, taking a sip, shaking his head, blinking softly as he saw you rush to convince him it would be fun. Sighing deeply, he gave in, “alright, what is it?”

“I’ll be right back,” you twirled on your heel and left the room.

Returning to shaking his head and the glass bottle, he paused after settling the bottle on the table. It’d been a long time since anyone cared about anything actually as old as him. He’d been pretty good at keeping up with the times, a lot of things he knew just got an upgrade, but the thought of something from his actual childhood felt a little heartwarming. 

“Okay,” you declared, reentering the room with a stack of vintage boxes in your arms that made Bucky lean back in his chair out of shock, “here we are.” 

His jaw dropped a little at what you had brought out as you set the stack on the table. Watching you take a deep breath and exhale with a smirk, he shook his head, this time silently asking “how?” You set your hands atop the stack, rapping your fingers across the top box as you smiled again. 

Smoothing your hands out across the box top, you cleared your throat, “no peeking,”  bringing Bucky’s attention entirely to you. 

“Option number one,” you held up the rectangular shape with severely faded letters across it, “Scrabble, released 1938.” The box very gently met the table, “option number two,” you looked at him attempting not to giggle as you saw him cross his arms over his chest, genuinely listening to you intently, “Sorry! released 1934, Battleship, original pen and paper game,” you clarified, he lifted his eyebrows, impressed, “and last but not least, Monopoly, released 1935.”

“Wow, you uh- you really did your research,” he commented, looking over the stack of authentically vintage boxes.

“Of course,” you shrugged with a smile, “my boyfriend’s 106, if I want to bring back some childhood nostalgia, that requires some research. . . and late hour ebay bidding in our case.”  

He nodded, a faint smile showing, before it faded with his next words, “I hope you didn’t do too much research on me,” he looked up, hand resting on Monopoly.

You calmly slid down into the seat across from him and stared with a kind smile still on your lips, reaching to touch his hand, you stroked your thumb against his knuckles, “I’m more of a first hand account, direct source, kind of girl when it comes to people,” the corner of his mouth tugged into a smile. 

You knew, just not everything, and he wasn’t sure he was prepared to have another living soul know it all quite yet. Luckily, you were someone who seemed to actually understand that.

“Or,” you announced, lifting a pointer finger, as if requesting a pause whilst you went to a nearby drawer, returning with a much smaller box, “we can get really really old school, even for you” the box met the table top, “standard 52 card deck, English edition, circa 1516. . .obviously not original.”

Bucky chuckled, looking to you, tonguing his cheek, before picking up the cards, “I hate to tell you, but that’s just a little before my time,” he squinted at you, teasingly.

Biting your lip, your shoulders shifted with the giggle that came after his comment, “so, come on,” you sat back down, this time with your elbows on the table and hands laced, to support your resting chin on top of them, “what should I beat your butt in?”

“Oh,” Bucky, attempting to appear insulted, began raising his eyebrows, “you think?”

“Yeah,” you laughed your words while looking at his serious face, “I think, better yet, I know.”

“Well, I don’t know where you get your confidence from. You know you are talking to a local senior Bingo night champion,” he shrugged with a head tilt, as if that was supposed to be a big deal.

“Woooow,” you drew out, smiling uncontrollably.

“But,” he sighed, “okay,” he shook his head once, accepting your challenge, “let’s go, you’re on! Monopoly,” he brought the box towards himself as you set the others on the floor next to your chair.

You watched as he picked up the little metal pieces, examining each one individually. There was an expression you’d never seen before, he was remembering something positive from his past. A memory that sparked a smile that you helped bring about. He surveyed the board, with all its bright colours and familiar street names.

“It’s been-” he paused, looking upward, doing the math in his head, “it’s been 85 years since I played this game,” setting each piece he stopped at the boat, laughing to himself, “you know, Steve used to always be the battleship.” 

A soft smile came across your lips, while you watched him remember exactly how to set it up. You picked the Scottie dog and he picked the vintage race car piece.

“Were you always the race car?” you ventured, wanting to know more about his childhood, you knew he didn’t talk about it often.

“Oh,” he glanced to the piece he had just naturally picked up without a thought, “yeah, well, I think,” he gave a quick, but somber smile, before clearing his throat, and actually looking up, “and my sister, whenever she’d actually manage to get mom and dad to let her stay up with us, she’d always be the thimble,” he leaned back in his chair, smiling, “whenever it was her turn to move she’d put it on her finger and hop it down the street names.” He leaned back to the table, “we never made her go to jail, even if she landed on it, Steve would make up some rule that let her skip it.” 

“That’s really sweet of you guys,” you said, looking softly at his smile.

“Yeah,” he swallowed, “but don’t think you can skip jail,” he changed his tone, preferring not to dwell on the past even if it was positive. 

“Don’t think I’ll be visiting,” you smirk confidently, “better watch out for the money man yourself.” 

“Wow, who is this?” he dropped his jaw, “she’s so sarcastic, does Yori know this side of you? Do you sneak jellybeans under the table or something evil like that?”

Laughing, you took your root-beer, “just give me my $1,500 so the smack down can actually begin.”

Two hours later, after a long battle between Boardwalk, control over the railroads, and many, many visits to jail, you sat back, lips quirked, arms across your chest as your little Scottie sat in jail.

“And three thousand, six hundred, and five. . . I’m sorry, but that leaves you,” Bucky set his elbows on the table, wincing at you, “bankrupt.”

“Fine,” you huffed jokingly, giving your best pout,“you win.”

“Aww, c’mon,” Bucky reached out a hand to touch your forearm comfortingly, accompanied by a smile you couldn’t deny.

“You wanna go again?” You offered seriously, resting your hand on top of his tenderly, happy to see him so happy.

“It was really fun, but let’s play something else, this time you pick,” he offered.

Breaking into a smile, you gave a nod, and he asked what you had in mind. It took a moment, you wanted to make this good, and you wanted to see it be a little more of a struggle for him, if you were honest. 

“You know, I know it’s later than your. . .original timeline, but there’s this fantastic game called Twister,” you smirked, perking an eyebrow to ask if he was up for it. 

“Twister?” He repeated you, tilting his head like a confused puppy, “what’s Twister?”

“I’ll show you, but,” you glanced over to your small apartment living room, “we might need to arrange the furniture a little.”

“Don’t worry,” Bucky stood, “I can handle that.” 

Smiling, you stand, “okay, just push it all to one side, I’ll get the game.” 

Ten minutes later, shoeless, you both stood looking over the polka dotted sheet on the floor. Nodding happily to yourself, Bucky shook his head almost in fear. 

“Make sense?” You asked, having just explained the very simple rules, you turned to face him.

“Oh, I’m sorry I asked,” he sighed, shouldering off his jacket and tossing it onto the couch along with his glove, “yeah, it makes sense,” he set his hands on his hips, pondering this new game intently. 

“Okay, you first,” you held up the spinning arrow, and began.

One hand and foot at a time, sometimes struggling to reach the spinner, but you both made it work pretty well. Having kept to one side of the sheet, it came time to get a smidge more twisted.

Bucky managed to keep balanced and spin a green dot with his left arm, conveniently it placed him right over you. As he began to reach for green, he carefully calculated how best to approach the green dot in order to keep his balance. It was a pretty far reach and he’d need to balance himself whilst reaching over you. 

“What’s the matter old man, can’t quite move like you used to?” you shamelessly giggled. 

Raising his eyebrows at your tone, “ohhh, wow,” Bucky said sincerely, finally placing his left arm over you and to a green dot, now above you he tilted his head sassily, “respect your elders.”

His last sentence only made your giggle turn into a genuine laugh. You closed your eyes and threw your head back a little. Admittedly, Bucky thought it was funny too, but he didn’t laugh, he just took in your smile and the sound of your laugh, enjoying every single moment of it.

When you brought your head back up, you were about to respond sassily, but instead you found his lips meeting yours. With a small squeak of surprise, you relaxed into the kiss, glad that he was finally confident enough with you to take a chance now and then. He tasted like vanilla root beer, which mixed wonderfully with the scent of his cologne you were finally close enough to smell. 

It was soft and slow at first, but slowly, with his right hand palming the arch of your back, you eased into his touch, lower back almost meeting the floor as you both sunk down a little. You completely forgot about the game, as you reached your arms around his neck gently. Keeping the kiss close, you felt him hesitate to deepen it, so you gave him a small sign of encouragement, by moving your hand to the side of his neck, naturally bringing him even closer. 

You had no idea how long you’d been there, on that polka dot sheet, but it was such bliss that you didn’t even care. Smiling into the kiss, you felt him smile back. 

Parting, he pressed his forehead to yours, “I win,” he whispered, lips in a smile. 

“What?” was all you could ask, still mesmerised by the kiss. 

Bucky motioned his head to his left arm which happened to have been keeping the two of you steady. . . all the while remaining on the green dot. You dropped your arms from around his neck, to the floor, elbows supporting you as you looked up at him, shaking your head. 

“That does not count, Bucky,” you tried not to smile as he kept his arm as still as possible.

“What? But my hand’s still on green,” he dramatically gestured to it, making you bite your lip to repress a giggle, trying to match his seriousness.

Shoving his chest directly above you, he feigned an ‘ow!’ before you softly pull him closer again.

“If I kiss you are you gonna hit me again?”

You smirk, “I might if you don’t.” 

Bucky smiled, lips almost touching yours, “alright, sorry,” he smiled, voice almost a whisper as his lips brushed against yours, “I’m still learning the rules to this game.”

[spockandawe]

Okay, I think I found what I really wanted to root out with Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu and the physicality of their book relationship.

Because I will argue for days that Wen Kexing is terribly touch-starved, especially at the beginning of the book. For eight years, as the Valley Master, he’s only allowed Gu Xiang within a meter of him. They have a fairly casual relationship, but they straddle an awkward line between family and master/servant, and as the Ghost Valley Master? Everyone in Ghost Valley, including Gu Xiang, is at least a little frightened of him. He’s affection-starved as much as he is touch-starved, and having one person who cares more than she’s frightened isn’t really enough to overcome that degree of isolation. When a servant woman is combing his hair and accidentally hits a snag, she begs for her life, and his first reaction is to ask if someone forced her to wait on him. He’s been the Valley Master since he was a very young adult, and he’s been in Ghost Valley since he was a child.

And it’s so interesting to me that a lot of cnovels really emphasize that when the leads are in a relationship, it’s their first relationship, and they never wanted anyone else, but Wen Kexing (and jing beiyuan in lord seventh, which is an interesting parallel) really directly subvert that. Gu Xiang almost immediately remarks that Wen Kexing spends plenty of nights with male courtesans, and partway through the book, Wen Kexing uses a handkerchief from a famous courtesan to treat Zhou Zishu’s injury. He left the valley and entered the human world, and immediately threw himself into the arms of other men.

And Zhou Zishu, I would say, is also touch starved and affection starved, but is coping differently from Wen Kexing. No matter how strained and/or political his relationships with the Emperor and the government are, and even though he took charge of the Four Seasons Manor at... fifteen, iirc, he did have at least one close, affectionate (for a zhou zishu value of affectionate), trusting relationship, with Liang Jiuxiao. And where Wen Kexing starts the book with a comfortable relationship with Gu Xiang, Zhou Zishu starts the book knowing that his shidi is dead, and in Lord Seventh, we see the ways that he failed and/or “failed” Liang Jiuxiao, with Jiang Xue, and with staying at his post during the final battle instead of rushing off and trying to find his shidi, and it working out... not well. And I think it’s fascinating that unlike Wen Kexing, when he leaves Tian Chuang to reenter the human world, he’s content to be almost completely solitary, and focuses his attention on seeing the sights and drinking good wine.

A really interesting parallel to me is in the Ye Baiyi extra, where he mentions that it’s only human nature to crave food and sex, and he’s too old to care about sex, so food it is. Because that’s not a thought he ever shares with the other characters, but it’s very interesting to me that in the novel, in that first burst of enjoying their freedom, Wen Kexing is so focused on physical intimacy, first with courtesans, and then with Zhou Zishu, while Zhou Zishu is much more focused on physical pleasure must less dependent on other humans, like sightseeing and wine.

But once Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu are in action together, and once Wen Kexing definitively gets invested in Zhou Zishu, the physical progression of the relationship is really interesting to me. Wen Kexing gets very handsy and very forward, very quickly. Zhou Zishu tends to either endure or push him away, depending on the situation, but compared to something like, say, svsss, there’s much less ‘but i’m not gay though’ and much more generalized irritation until he (much more slowly) gets invested in return. 

And I probably would have brushed it away except for that one scene where they were about to do it, and get interrupted by the Scorpion King. First, this line, which makes it absolutely clear that as much as Zhou Zishu had given up on living a long, normal human life, Wen Kexing was in exactly the same position. Now, seeing Zhou Zishu potentially get a new lease on life, he’s forced to reckon with the idea that it might be possible for him to live on in the same way, which casts a whole new light on how casually he slept around with courtesans and propositioned Zhou Zishu earlier in the story, versus where he stands now.

They were both lone wolves who had been caught in hunters’ traps, struggling with all of their strength to free themselves to no avail, and thus, were willing to gnaw their own legs off without mercy.

[Wen Kexing] hadn’t been able to help following him, from watching him. Then a revelation had dawned— He’d realized, for the first time, that if Zhou Zishu could live like this, was it also a possible for him to live like this?

And then when Wen Kexing starts to catch a fresh round of feelings, Zhou Zishu’s response says volumes about his prior reactions whenever Wen Kexing got forward with him.

“A-Xu, sleep with me once. This way, we’ll keep each other in our hearts. You won’t die so easily then, and neither will I. What do you think?”

He said it jokingly, yet Zhou Zishu did not reply, only looked at him oddly. A while later, he finally asked, “Are you truly sincere about this?”

Wen Kexing laughed, his body tilting towards Zhou Zishu. He spoke, nearly against Zhou Zishu’s lips, “Can’t you tell if I’m sincere or not?”

Stunned, Zhou Zishu paused, then said in a low voice, “I… truly can’t tell. I haven’t experienced many instances of sincerity over the course of my life, and can’t identify it. Are you?”

Wen Kexing's fingers drifted up his shoulder, and tugged his hair loose. Dark hair cascaded down, making the tough man before his eyes look a few degrees more fragile in an instant. He dropped his cheeky grin, and in a soft voice, filled with momentous certainty, said, "I am."

Wen Kexing is most starved for touch, while Zhou Zishu is most starved for sincerity. Zhou Zishu was up to his neck in court politics in Lord Seventh, where a major focus of the story is about how sure, the Crown Prince may be deeply in love, but he’s the future Emperor, and ultimately, his feelings land way down the priority list. Up until this point in the story, with Wen Kexing waxing eloquent about how pretty Zhou Zishu must be, and calling it ‘mariticide’ when Zhou Zishu hits him, and being like ‘no no let’s hear the man out’ when the Scorpion King wants them to put on a sexy show for him, Zhou Zishu hasn’t been able to tell whether  Wen Kexing means it. 

I love me a story where the leads are terrible communicators and it causes them much Suffering, but this is a really tasty variant that I don’t feel like I see that often. Their hungers are so similar, but just disjoint enough that they can’t understand each other’s reservations. For a soulmates story like this, it’s just the right kind of tension to make the relationship work extra well for me. They’re in sync about this, as they are about so many things, with just enough of an offset that they’re both left ever so slightly uncertain, and it isn’t until they trust each other enough to ask a question as plain as ‘are you truly sincere about this?’ that they’re finally able to close the gap and reach that understanding with each other. 

[goldentournesol]

Be Careful What You Wish For

(Spencer Reid x Reader)

The one where Spencer gets exactly what he wished for, but it isn’t necessarily for the best.

Length: 5k 

A/N: this is based off of maybe one of the best requests i have ever received, thank you so much anon, your request really got my creative juices going! also i combined this request with another one, too <3 (angst, just straight up, with happy ending tho)

masterlist

The sun was shining against the glass windows of the car. The sunset was so beautiful with its melting and merging colors, Y/N wished it lasted longer so she could watch it. It’d been feeling like beautiful moments were few and far between lately. 

No one ever said being in a relationship was easy, but she’d never expected to drift this far from Spencer. She couldn’t exactly place the moment at which the descent of their relationship began, if she was being honest. One day, they’d be happy, smiling, full of love and life. And then the next, waves of darkness and despair would appear. They weren’t even the kinds of waves that would disappear with the shining sun. No, they were there to stay and fuel the storm that continues to rage on. 

Today was one of those days. To be fair, the whole team was struggling, but Spencer had taken Morgan’s departure a little harder than everyone else. It was understandable, of course. Derek was a staple in Spencer’s life for so long. However, for a man who’s seen and been through so many losses, he sure was terrible at dealing with them. Spencer’s tendency to keep things bottled up had definitely been affecting the overall health of their relationship. In fact, it has been the root of a lot of their arguments lately. Y/N just wanted him to let her in, let her help him and she was willing to wait however long it takes. Spencer on the other hand grew more and more snappy, irritable, and private with each passing day.

When they were at work, they tried their best to avoid each other so as to not get on each other’s nerves. Their fights usually didn’t turn into screaming matches, but they both had a track record of saying things they don’t mean. Hurtful things. Turns out profilers are fantastic at rubbing salt into open wounds. 

Ever since they began dating, Spencer took the subway less, opting for car rides with Y/N. Sometimes she’d drop him off, other times they’d spend the rest of the day at each other’s houses. She enjoyed driving him around, at first he was never too picky with the music she played, but later on, his music began to overtake hers. It never bothered her, in fact, she took it as a sign of him being vulnerable and sharing parts of himself.

The days where car rides once filled with joyous singing and laughter were coming to a shocking halt. The silence nowadays was almost always louder than the music they used to play. Even small talk felt like too much of a burden sometimes.

“Should I just drop you off at your place? Or do you wanna come over to mine? I still have some of that lasagna you liked in the fridge.” She asked softly as they slowed down into traffic. Rush hour in DC was never fun.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just have whatever’s at my place.” Spencer was being curt with his responses. Thus, the warning signs began flashing in her head.

“Are you sure? We can even pick something up from that one grocery store on our way home, something that goes well with the lasagna. I don’t mind cooking today.” She offered, hoping he wouldn’t shut her out like he usually did.

He shook his head, keeping his voice eerily level and his gaze was set on the road in front of him, “I just really wanna be home, Y/N.”

She nodded and whispered, “Okay.”

A short silence ensued as traffic began to thin out. Cars that were stuck bumper to bumper were beginning to move.

“Is this about Derek leaving?” She asked tentatively. He sighed and pursed his lips in response so she continued, “You know he said he was always a phone call away.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.” Spencer said shortly, gazing out the window.

“You never want to talk about anything.” She said defeatedly, the car beginning to move freely on the road.

“Yeah, well maybe that’s true. Or maybe I just don’t want to talk to you.” Spencer spat, clearly growing impatient.

“Fine, don’t talk to me then. But talk to someone, anyone! Hell, talk to Derek himself. Tell him you hate him for leaving or whatever you’re feeling, but don’t take out your anger and unresolved feelings out on me, okay? I don’t deserve that! Everyday I try to get you to talk to me, but it seems like with every little step I take forward, you take two steps back. And it’s exhausting. It is fucking exhausting, Spencer.” She frowned, tears welling up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

“I didn’t ask you for that! I didn’t ask for you to be my personal therapist. If I wanted to see a therapist, I would have gone to see one!” Spencer gestured wildly with his hands as he spoke.

“Spencer, in a relationship, we’re supposed to confide in one another. It’s supposed to be comforting. I don’t want to be your therapist, I just want you to talk to me!” She unconsciously began to press on the pedal, perhaps in an attempt to reach a destination quicker. He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Relationship? You call this a relationship? We can barely stand to be in the same room together, Y/N.”

“And that’s why we talk it out. No relationship is ever perfect! You should know that, Spencer!” She shrieked, gripping the steering wheel in frustration.

“That’s not true. What I had with Maeve was perfect until it was ruined.” He uttered.

“Maeve?!” She squealed incredulously, “Really?! What you had with Maeve was perfect?! Spencer, what you had wasn’t real like us! You spoke to her over the phone once a week! You wrote to her in letters, where you have time to-to think and to respond! It isn’t like real life, it isn’t like you and me! What we have is real! I-I’ve lived with you, I’ve seen you torn to pieces, I’ve seen you laugh until you cry. That’s the you I fell in love with, not some fantasy I created of you over the phone!” She spoke but the words were garbled between incoming sobs that she was frantically wiping the remnants of off her cheeks. The same sobs she’d tried so hard to suppress. She was barely aware of the words that came out of her mouth.

“If what I had with Maeve wasn’t real, then why do I wish she were the one here with me instead of you?!” Spencer defended, unaware of how sharp his words were or how deeply they’d wounded her.

Her breath hitched in her throat, taking her already blurry vision off of the road in front of her to face him, “What?” She whispered brokenhearted, but the utterance was immediately swallowed by the unmistakable, earsplitting sound of metal clashing violently against metal. They had no choice but to succumb to the inundating darkness that rapidly overtook them both.

***

Spencer woke with a violent start and sat up in his own bed. He sighed in relief when he realized it was just a dream and it was morning again. Turning his head to look at the left side of the bed where she usually slept, he expected to find her there and was taken by surprise when she wasn’t. He rubbed at his face and eyes vigorously before hearing some clattering in the kitchen. With long strides he saw a blurry figure in the kitchen making coffee and walked towards it. 

He sighed in relief, “Hey, there you are. I just had the worst dream.” He huffed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck in his half-asleep state.

“Hey, good morning, lovebug.” She smiled and turned around to hug him tightly.

Something felt off. Something wasn’t right.

He’d heard that voice before. He pulled back from the hug and was met by…

It wasn’t Y/N. It was Maeve.

Spencer could barely control his expression as complete bone-stilling shock washed over his entire being, “M-Maeve?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong, honey? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She said, a kind smile resting upon her features. If Spencer wasn’t so shocked, he’d probably have laughed at the absurd truth of that statement. Maeve brought her hand up to his forehead, “Are you feeling okay?”

He didn’t even have time to be confused before he jerked back quickly at the touch of her hand, “I-uh, uh...I’m not feeling too g-good. Um...what’s happening?” He mumbled, rubbing at his eyes again, almost like they’d be polished and he’d see more clearly. But when he opened his eyes again, she was still there. Right in front of him. There was no light emitting from behind her, she was totally opaque. It was eerily real.

Her face was full of color and life and she was dressed in one of his cardigans over her own set of matching pajamas. She was moving and...alive. And speaking to him. What is happening right now?

“But y-you’re...how are you here right now? Am I still dreaming? Am I...Maeve, am I dead?” Spencer shook his head in an attempt to wake back up.

She began to laugh and pulled out a chair for him to sit on, and so he did, still staring up at her in disbelief, “No, baby, you’re very much alive. You’re probably just still confused from whatever nightmare you had. Here, have some water.”

“Y-yeah, yeah, confused. Um, what day is it?” Spencer began to pat on his chest to make sure he was solid and alive. 

She looked at him curiously at his strange behavior, “It’s April 5th, 2016.”

April 5th? Derek left the BAU near the end of March. A light bulb went off in his head. 

The BAU! 

They’d have all the answers. He shot up from his seat immediately, “I uh, have to get to work.” Spencer rushed to his bedroom to get dressed. 

As he’s dressing, he spots a picture frame on his bedside table. He knows the picture by heart, it was of him and Y/N in the pumpkin patch last year. He’d had his arms tightly wound around her shoulders and was kissing her cheek. The leaves were the most colorful they’d ever been. He picked it up and almost dropped it immediately like it had burned his skin. It was the same picture. 

But Y/N was nowhere to be seen. In her place was Maeve.

No, no, no. This isn’t right. 

Spencer began to panic as he buttoned up his shirt, he threw on his cardigan and practically flew out the door. In the distance, he could hear Maeve in the background calling out for him to drink his coffee before leaving.

The train ride to work was truly a test of his patience. He couldn’t keep his knee still and checked his watch religiously. After the train stopped, was the first one off and ran as fast as his poor feet could take him. He stopped running when he got to the FBI Headquarters as to not alarm anyone, but raced to the sixth floor anyway.

As he opened the glass doors he searched frantically for any familiar face, “Garcia!” He yelled as he spotted her bright yellow clad figure across the bullpen. He pushed through tired agents and messy desks to get to her. Everything else was the same, the office was just as he remembered it.

“Good morning, boy wonder! How are you today?” She smiled graciously, holding a few files in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

“Have you seen Y/N?” He asked impatiently. She pulled her brows together.

“Do you mean Y/N...Y/L/N?” She asked slowly, as if trying to recall her name.

“Yes, of course I mean Y/N Y/L/N. Who else would I be talking about?” Spencer asked, once again losing more of his patience.

“No, I haven’t seen her, to be honest. I don’t see much of the White-Collar Crime division up here unless Hotch asks for them. Why do you need Y/N? Is she okay?” Garcia casually answered, as if her answer hadn’t turned his world--this world--whatever the hell he was experiencing upside down.

“White-Collar crime? No, that can’t be right.” Spencer muttered to himself as his brain raced a million miles a second.

“Reid, is everything alright? Is there a possible case? Should I tell Hotch?” Garcia asked, but Spencer was barely listening.

 He was on his way back to the elevators again, leaving an extremely confused Penelope in his wake. He raced down to the fourth floor, to the White-Collar crime division. As the elevator doors opened, his eyes scanned the crowded floor for her.

“Dr. Reid! It’s nice to see you down here. What can I do for you?” An agent, Agent Seymour, he’s met perhaps once before asked him.

“Hi, yes, I’m um..looking for one of your agents. Agent Y/L/N.” Spencer stuttered, it was weird saying her name so formally. But he had to see it with his own eyes.

“Yes, of course, right this way. I think she just came in.” The agent led him to a desk in the middle of the bullpen and left him, saying that she was probably getting coffee and should be back an second. Spencer looked over her desk and compared it with how her desk at the BAU looked like. Gone were the trinkets and books he’d given her. Gone was the candle she never lit, but kept anyway because she said it smelled like him. It was like staring at a stranger’s desk, so desolate, so...un-special.

“Jeremy, stop. I almost spilled my coffee!” She giggled from behind him. He’d recognize her voice anywhere. He turned to see her and his lungs filled with relief as he spotted her familiar face across the bullpen. There she was, in all her glory. Looking as beautiful as ever. His Y/N. But the relief was ripped away all too suddenly as he watched on. She had her coffee in one hand and the other was swatting a very sheepish looking Jeremy, he assumed.

“I’m sorry, baby. I just missed you.” He spoke, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to her lips. 

She blushed immediately and shied away, “Jeremy, we’re in the office!” She giggled again and pulled away from him, glancing around the office as if to check if anyone saw the moment of affection. Spencer’s blood boiled before he realized.

She looked so happy. 

So much happier than she ever looked when she was with him. His heart sank to his feet and he felt like he was incapable of lifting it back up to its rightful place in his chest. He wondered if this was the universe’s cruel, cruel way of letting him know just how shitty of a boyfriend he’s really been. Fire of envy festered in the place where his heart used to reside. He wasn’t sure if it was jealousy, resentment, or guilt. 

It all felt so strange. It felt like there was suddenly way too much pressure in his head. Before he could begin to compute the events unfolding before him, he realized she had spotted him at her desk and was now making her way across the bullpen, separating from her Jeremy. Before he could freak out, she was speaking to him. And all he could focus on was the shape of her lips and the faint memory of how they felt pushing against his.

“Dr. Reid! To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you here?” She asked politely, but Spencer could tell that she was immeasurably confused by his presence, “Does Agent Hotchner need something from the White Collar crimes archives?”

Spencer panicked, “Yes! Um, he does...and um he asked me to ask you s-specifically. That’s why I’m here, heh.” He stammered like the nervous wreck he was and wiped his sweaty palms on the inside of his pockets.

“Okay, that’s no problem. Just tell me the number of the file and I’ll get it for you.” She smiled slightly, setting her cup of coffee down on her desk. At least her coffee order was still the same as it was. 

She disappeared for a few moments after he gave her a random sequence of numbers. Spencer wasn’t even sure how his legs were still capable of holding himself up. When she came back and he got a whiff of her perfume, his body completely stilled. He knows that scent like the back of his hand, he’d given it to her for their first anniversary. The fresh scent nearly sent him into anaphylactic shock. He’d accepted the file and scurried back to the sixth floor without another word, once again leaving a confused woman in his wake.

Spencer collapsed at his desk and rubbed his head like it would somehow fix this. Whatever this was. Everyone around him operated so normally and went about their day while he was seconds away from losing his mind. 

Was he having a schizophrenic scare? Did his symptoms bleed into his 30’s even though they weren’t supposed to? What was this alternate universe where he’d lost the one good thing he’s ever known? How was he supposed to get back? Did he want to go back? What would happen if he did? Would it be fair for Y/N to stick with him when he knew she would be so much happier with someone else? Would he try harder for her? Would he stop shutting her out? Would the woman he loved so dearly ever love him back?

He must not have ever been deserving of her love and the universe was punishing him in the worst way possible. To have her be within arm’s reach but to never be able to hold her. 

Once upon a time, he would have given up anything and everything to be with Maeve, but that was before Y/N. Before she gave him a new life, one he wanted to live. One where waking up wasn’t such a task. One where seeing her smile at him was enough to make him forget about all his worries. But now Y/N looked at him with barely a sliver of recognition. There was no affection or adoration behind those eyes and maybe he deserved that.

But how was this universe expecting him to go on like everything is fine? Like he hadn’t just lost the love of his life? No one else in this warped version of Spencer’s reality was feeling as dejected as Spencer was.

“Reid, are you feeling alright?” The voice of none other than Aaron Hotchner brought him out of his stupor. Spencer had unknowingly been sobbing into his hands for the past few minutes. Hotch was taken aback at the extent of Spencer’s disheveled state.

“H-Hotch, I need to go home. I can’t be here. I’m sorry.” Spencer packed his things and ran out the building before he realized he had nowhere to go. Home wasn’t his home anymore. He couldn’t exactly go back and see his dead girlfriend wandering around his apartment. He couldn’t be at work where Y/N was, so blissfully unaware of the crisis Spencer was in the middle of.

He wandered the streets of DC aimlessly as he tried to reorganize the events in his head and somehow make sense of them. Just a few days ago, he and Y/N had been holding one another on his couch. Sure, they’d been in a rut recently, but they still loved each other. At least that’s what he thought.

He walked and walked, miles on end, keeping his gaze on his feet as he tried to piece bits together. An IQ of 187 and he had absolutely no idea how whatever was happening to him happened. Even the multiple universes theory didn’t have his back. If he was ‘here’, where has ‘here’s’ Spencer gone? 

His feet had taken him to the local park, where he and Y/N used to sit under the stars. He found himself reminiscing the times they were together. He saw himself and Y/N in every couple that passed him by. Exhausted, Spencer took a seat on a patch of grass. He buried his face into his hands and tried to relieve himself of the headache he’d developed. 

“Hey, mister! Watch out!!” He heard a child yell way too loudly.

Groaning at the volume, he looked up to see the vague shape of a spinning baseball increasing in size as it moved closer….closer. Spencer had no time to react before he was knocked out cold by the baseball.

***

The first thing she’d heard was the incessant beeping of...something next to her. After that, she’d heard faint chatter. The voices sounded familiar but she just couldn’t put her finger on it. She whimpered in pain which caught the attention of everyone in the room. The chatter ceased. 

“Y/N? Honey, it’s Pen, can you hear me?” A voice called. She fought to open her eyes.

Why was it so hard to open her eyes? It was like they were glued shut. Why did everything hurt? What is that smell?

She made a small noise of agreement to the voice that called, but could not coordinate herself enough to speak or open her eyes.

“Y/N, darling, you’re in the hospital, okay? You were in a car accident.” She spoke softly. 

But the words weren’t soft at all. Her words had opened up a Pandora’s box of previously suppressed memories. Suddenly it was hard to breathe. It was hard to breathe as she tried to remember the last moments before the fog. She remembered seeing him so angry, eyes so wild. Who is he? So...so close. She whimpered in pain as she fought the fog away. 

Blood.

So much blood. 

Pain.

So much pain.

The others watched as she began to writhe against the hospital bed in discomfort. Her eyes snapped open the second she saw his face in her mind, frantically searching the room for him.

Spencer.

“Sp-Sp--” She began, but couldn’t formulate the rest of the word. Exhausted and defeated by the lack of his presence, she lay back on the bed.

“Hey, hey, calm down. Spencer’s...Spencer’s fine, alright? You can’t see him right now, but you will be able to.” Those words were the last thing she heard before she slipped off into a silent slumber.

Hours later, she awoke again. But this time with enough strength to open her eyes immediately. Her limbs felt like they weighed tons, she could barely lift a finger. The room was empty besides a single chair with a blurry figure seated in it.

“Spencer?” She uttered almost inaudibly and the figure moved.

“Hey there. Sorry, I’m not Spencer.” The figure moved closer and she recognized the blonde sheen.

“JJ.” Y/N croaked with relief, happy to see a friend. JJ promptly gave her some water in a cup and adjusted the bed so that she would be able to swallow it.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, taking the cup from Y/N’s trembling hands.

Y/N shook her head imperceptibly, “Is...Spence--is he?” Y/N barely got to finish her thought before the tears settled in.

��No, gosh, no. He’s alive. Thankfully, you both made it out alive.” JJ said with relief, leaning her elbows against the side of her bed. Y/N felt her breathing get easier as she learned of the news. She blinked hard, trying to control the tears, but they just flowed out.

“It’s my fault, JJ.” she paused to take a deep breath and JJ took one of her hands in hers, “I was the one driving. I should have been more careful. I-I was so mad.” She sobbed, the tears escaping.

“Hey, no, it’s alright now. Okay, you’ve both made it out alive, that’s what’s important.” JJ rubbed Y/N’s knuckles.

“W-where is he? I need to see him.” Y/N attempted to sit up but winced from the sharp pain in her side.

“Um..yeah, about that. You can’t really get up yet. You’ve got three broken ribs, a broken leg, and a severe concussion.” JJ delivered the news and Y/N’s tears seemed to flow even harder.

Before she could respond, Hotch, Penelope, and a nurse walked into the room, “Oh, sunshine! It’s so good to see you awake!” Penelope squealed and kissed her wet cheek gently before wiping away her tears. The nurse checked all her vitals and gave her some extra information before she left. Y/N forced a smile and sat back, but something in the room felt heavy.

“What’s going on? What aren’t you guys telling me?” Y/N frowned, staring at her friends. She saw them all exchange a look and Hotch being the most straightforward man she knows decided to deliver the news.

“It’s Spencer. Unfortunately, Spencer’s brain has swelled significantly and doctors don’t know when he’ll wake. It’s already been almost 42 hours since the accident.” Hotch frowned, watching Y/N’s expression turn from a hopeful one into one of the most unbearable expressions of grief.

“Wh--what, what does that mean? Does that mean he’s--is he ever going to wake up?” She began to panic, her heart rate audibly increasing. She squeezed JJ’s hand as hard as she could.

“We can’t be sure yet, the swelling has to go down before doctors can make any claims. It’s still too early to say he’s in a coma, which is a good sign. He’s also been showing steady signs of improvement.” Hotch said and Y/N covered her face to shield herself away from the embarrassment of openly sobbing.

JJ and Penelope both looked at the bruised and broken girl on the bed with tears brimming their eyes, unsure of what to do.

“I have to see him. Please. Please, JJ.” Y/N sobbed, pleading at the woman beside her. JJ looked towards Hotch for guidance.

“I’ll speak with the Doctor and see what I can do.” Hotch nodded once and left the room. Aaron Hotchner was simply a man you couldn’t say no to. Thankfully, this extended to doctors as well. The next time someone came in, they entered with a wheelchair. After many screams and with the help of three nurses and a doctor, they managed to get Y/N into the wheelchair. They rolled her off into Spencer’s room where he lay motionless on a bed just like hers. The sight of him so frail with so many tubes going in and out of his orifices should have overwhelmed her, but she was just so happy to see him breathing. Once again she could barely control her tears as she weakly gripped at the hand that was closest to her. She pressed sloppy, uncoordinated kisses to the back of his hand and pleaded for him to wake.

The sight was overwhelming, even for Hotch. It was difficult to see their two youngest agents fight for their lives.

And for the next two days, this is how it went. Y/N would wake from her slumber, request to see Spencer and would not leave his side unless her Doctor absolutely required her to. She didn’t care about what he’d said to her before the crash, she didn’t care. It didn’t matter. She just wanted him here. She wanted to hear his voice again. What a luxury that was.

Slowly, Spencer began improving. He’d begin to open his eyes but shut them immediately afterwards. He’d make noises, even though they were very garbled, they were very welcome. Y/N would read to him, she’d have any one of their friends bring over his favorite books and she’d pass the time reading to him. It was difficult at first, but she’d improved too.

On the fifth day, he was awake and fully conscious before she even got to his room.

He heard his teammates speaking around him again and what a relief it had been to wake in a hospital bed rather than his own bed. He let out a heavy sigh of relief as they updated him of what happened in the recent days. 

It wasn’t real. 

None of it was.

Maeve wasn’t there, Y/N was his, no one else’s.

He’d been sure of it when they’d rolled her into his room and near his bed, eyes lit with hope surrounded by healing scrapes and bruises.

“Spence? Spencer!” She exclaimed, “Oh thank God you’re awake.” She whispered trying her hardest to lean towards him on the bed.

Spencer fought to raise his arm to touch her arm, “Y/N? A-are you really here?” He whispered back.

“I’m here baby, I’m here. I’m never leaving you.” She sobbed, leaning her face into his awaiting palm. Spencer’s chest filled with immense relief as his thumbs caught her fallen tears.

“Y/N, wait--Y/N, I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry about what I said. I remember. I didn’t mean it. You’re the one for me. Life is perfect with you.” Spencer frowned as tears of his own raced down his cheeks.

Y/N shook her head, “It’s okay, I don’t care about that anymore. I could have lost you. I-if I had lost you, I would have lost myself Spencer. I love you so much. I love you so much.” She repeated as she kissed the palm of his hand. 

“I love you so much, Y/N.”

How could he have ever wished to live without this? Without her?

The universe had taught him his lesson and boy was he glad he had learned it.

[jdrizzle15]

Her Second Return

Just like all of you, and especially my fellow Penny fans, I am absolutely devastated by the Volume 8 finale. I had been in quite a state these last few days, utterly heartbroken, and actually nauseous at times. It feels strange to me to be legitimately grieving a fictional character, but it’s not a bad thing to feel this way. To me, this just shows that CRWBY loves her just as much as us to have written her so well that we connect so completely with her, that it feels like we lost an actual piece of ourselves when she’s gone.

But as you can probably tell by the title, this mega post isn’t gonna be about accepting this end, not in the slightest! Today I want to share canon evidence that can point towards another return of our beloved quirky red headed cinnamon bun! I’m here to spread this hope that I and others in the Nuts & Dolts dolts Discord server have!

I have this separated into many different sections to keep these thoughts organized. With that said, here goes…

A Father’s Words:

In Episode 7 of Volume 7, ‘Worst Case Scenario’ we learn the origins of Penny’s aura, and thus her soul. We also learn that it takes more aura each time she’s brought back. This leaves open an option that could be used at a later point.

Many people theorized that Pietro could indeed revive Penny one more time, which he would absolutely do. But there also lies the possibility that someone else could donate some of theirs, I’m not sure about this as I feel like it’s akin to blood donation where compatibility matters or there's a high risk of altering her, but the possibility is definitely there.

Now, the conversation in Chapter 5 of Volume 8, ‘Amity’ that Pietro and Penny have is an important moment for both Father and Daughter. It was there to show how her death in PvP all that time ago really did have a heavy impact on him and is still affecting him to this day.

Instead of continuing to pretend that everything is A-okay, like he had done for most of Volume 7, he finally lets his true feelings about how it come out to Penny for what is quite likely the first time. Even going so far as to say "Are you asking me to go through that again?" when she offers to take the risk of trying to lift Amity with her power. He wants Penny to be able to live her life.

This entire scene with Pietro established “this is what will likely happen” even if circumstances are much different now, it doesn’t negate the fact that this is a key part of Penny’s story. Scenes like these have a purpose beyond simply making an eventual death all the more heart wrenching. Her never actually getting to live her life makes those scenes basically moot. It makes them effectively pointless from narrative point of view. Unless there's more to it.

Building Relationship:

The build up between Ruby and Penny the last two volumes has been absolutely phenomenal with a definite destination in mind, and this doesn’t feel like that destination. So much of the arc of this season was to help Penny. This girl that our main protagonist absolutely adores and treasures, it would just be awful to throw all of that out for what amounts to an avoidable end. Why use so much of their precious and very limited runtime on deliberately building up this relationship only to end it abruptly, and permanently, when they’re separated?

In my opinion, RT is definitely smarter now than to intentionally set up what was really looking like a budding gay relationship only to kill one of them for good. If N&D wasn't actually going in a romantic direction, why would they leave in all of the romance-adjacent stuff that they got, that's not how ‘just friends’ act. And that is not something you use such valuable time building up for absolutely no pay off whatsoever...

Representation of Hope:

At its core, RWBY has always been about hope. It’s not at the forefront the whole time, but there's been an underlying theme of hopefulness that has persisted since it began. Some describe the show as a Hopepunk, I personally find this to describe RWBY really well. This genre of storytelling is about caring for things deeply and the courage and strength it takes to do so. It’s about never submitting or accepting the way things are. Fighting for what you believe in and standing up for others. RWBY fits all of this extremely well. How does this relate to Penny? She has been shown to be a sign of hope for everyone, but especially for Ruby, the main main protagonist. A prerequisite for a Hopepunk story is the hope.

Her first death in V3 was something that fundamentally changed Ruby. For the first time in the series, we see our main character all but broken by this event. With the loss of Penny, immediately afterwards, Ruby’s hope followed. She made up for it through determination and force of will. We see it affect her multiple times throughout the journey to Volume 7. But upon her return in V7, Hope reached a high point for everyone, the sheer relief on Ruby’s face is plain to see!

In V8 chapter 5 ‘Amity’, Penny literally raises hope by lifting the arena into the sky so Ruby could spread her message. And when she falls, and Amity with her, the connection is lost and hope plummets again. From there things take a very negative turn with the hack begins to take Penny’s agency.

In chapter 11 ’Risk’ is the point in the arc where everyone is reunited for the moment, so two separate hero stories are no longer a thing at that point in time. For the time being focus seemed to be shifted to care about the characters and how they’re going to solve the current problems. This is also where Ruby reaches her lowest emotional point in the season.

It’s not huge, but it’s interesting how connected this is. Before Ruby and Yang share a good cry over learning the possible fate of Summer, Yang brings up restoring optimism and hope to Ruby after the younger sister storms out of the room in frustration. This is where Penny’s scenes take up the rest of the episode. Getting Penny back in control of her own body and safe again is what makes the ending of the episode much brighter, when just 5 minutes before Ruby had been distraught and scared. This then spills over into the group coming up with the plan to use the staff, putting the main group in a much better mood. Of all the things to go right, it’s interesting that it’s Penny.

Things go wrong with the plan in the end and Penny dies. I find it interesting that once again, Penny got them hopeful in their chances of doing something right. Given said plan succeeded but at the cost of Penny of all people, Penny is shown to be the beginning and end of hope for them

The highest and lowest points for hope seem to directly correlate to when Penny’s around. When she comes back again, hope will return too, just like it had before. And because she’ll likely be back for good this time, the second return will probably be close to when Ruby is nearing the complete abandonment of hope. This would be pretty par for the course of the show honestly.

A little aside, but in a sense, Penny also represents Unity. The CCT in Vale fell after her first death, knocking out global communications and the unifying connection it gave. When it was restored for the briefest moment, she was there. Her body connected so she could allow for its launch, her soul lighting the night to hold up Amity with every ounce of her strength. So of course when the Hack succeeds and she falls, she takes global comms down again with her. At a smaller scale - even at the Hack's second last attempt to control her, she draws everyone in the Schnee Manor together. At the start of the volume, Yang states the one thing that they all agree on is not surrendering Penny.

Unity seems appropriate for one whose first song and wish was for but one friend, who would go on to find so many more in the process, and permit for a moment the possibility of all Remnant becoming friends once more. Where she first died, the name of the episode devoted to her story - Amity, "friendship", from the Latin root amicus, "friend" - she almost lives and dies with the very possibility of a united Remnant. It's no wonder she's a priority target for Salem, the great divider, and it seems natural that her next restoration may very well allow the next bid to bring the world together.

The Void Screams:

Moments after Penny's death, we hear a weird scream in the void space. It was a guttural, pained, angry scream, almost like the void space itself was crying out. All the portals shuddered and flickered when it happened.

Some think that this scream was Salem returning, but that happens earlier than Penny’s death, her return is signaled with cinder's arm acting up. We know this because after the arm finished flailing uncontrollably, Cinder said triumphantly "she's back." If it were Salem screaming, it would have happened after she fixed herself, but it didn't.

And I doubt Cinder would have been surprised or unsettled by it considering she was happy Salem returned not long before it. And why would a Salem scream affect the portals anyway, she has no connection to the staff or it's magic.

Another thing to consider is the fact sound is not transmitted through the portals. Otherwise, they would've heard Oscar and the rest calling for them, or the screams of the citizens of Mantle and Atlas. This lowers the possibility of that scream being from Salem even further.

The sound really seems to be coming from something else entirely within the void, and that something is not at all happy. There’s also the fact that Penny was the only person who died in the void space, everyone else was just thrown out of it like Ruby and Co. The only logical cause to me is Penny. Her body was a product (or byproduct) of the same creation magic that made the void space, her blood seems to have been a trigger.

Now I can't be sure about it, but this makes me feel like Penny is almost a part of creation itself? For whatever this thing is to be so angry, that is the only explanation I can think of currently. But all of this could possibly relate to the Narnia allusion of 'the willing victim killed in a traitor's stead' that others have brought up, which will be covered next.

Narnia Parallels:

Atlas has several parallels and references to fictional places (putting aside real world ones like the United States). One of those is that of Narnia, both on the surface and on a deeper level. It is a land of winter year round, where people struggle to survive and there is a present divide between those loyal to the current Monarch and those who are not. James is a parallel to Jadis, the White Witch, a ruler whose thoughts and cares aren’t exactly centered around the actual well being of the people. The hologram table in Ironwood’s office is designed to look like stone, like the Stone Table which features prominently in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He has a handpicked cadre of special agents/secret police, like how Maugrim and his wolves served Jadis. Another key parallel is how Jadis’s winter sets in to oppress and kill everyone in Narnia, but the Witch provides aid and protection to her loyal followers. She has all the power to spare harm to others, and uses it only for the loyal. As soon as Mantle splits from James and Atlas, no care is taken to protect them from the cold of Solitas even though he has every ability to turn the heating grid back on. His protection is only for the loyal.

Now that the parallel is established, let's look into the details. Starting with how James plays the role of Jadis.

"I had forgotten that you are only a common boy. How should you understand reasons of State? You must learn, child, that what would be wrong for you or for any of the common people is not wrong in a great Queen such as I. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. We must be freed from all rules. Ours is a high and lonely destiny." These are the words Jadis says in the Magician’s Nephew to justify the blood civil war she and her sister had waged for rulership of Charn, before she came to Narnia. She won that war, technically, but only after the last battle had been lost and her sister had marched right up to her so that they were face to face. Jadis’s troops were dead, her followers had surrendered, and the capital was under full control of her sister. But, she still had one card, one ultimate play to win and prove the throne of Charn was rightfully her. The Deplorable Word, a piece of old magic that killed everyone and everything except for her on Charn. It was monstrous, senseless, cruel beyond measure. But it got her that hollow victory. This mindset, the disregard for the people except as tools for her own will, the ultimate ‘aoe’ destructive move that no one had even considered her using, the unwillingness to stop even when by all practical measures the war is over, is a shocking parallel to James. In many ways, he is Jadis in mindset and deed.

Then there is the shared desire for A Thing that both James and Jadis have. For James it’s the Winter Maiden and control over her. For Jadis it’s the Silver Apples from the Tree of Youth. And funnily enough, the Maiden Powers parallel the Apples quiet well. These apples grant power and a life of eternal beauty, but should not be taken or eaten on one’s own initiative. They must be given, a gift granted by another, or only suffering will come from obtaining them. "For the fruit always works — it must work — but it does not work happily for any who pluck it at their own will. If any Narnian, unbidden, had stolen an apple and planted it here to protect Narnia, it would have protected Narnia. But it would have done so by making Narnia into another strong and cruel empire like Charn, not the kindly land I mean it to be.” Jadis’s immortality, and some of her power, come from the fact that she ate an Apple of her own will after stealing her way into the garden where the Tree of Youth had been planted. She gained the eternal life she had wanted and the power along with it, but she did so by taking it and was cursed because of it. Her skin turned pale and her lips blackened as if she were a frozen corpse given life. She will be trapped in a life of misery and hate according to Aslan- oh hey Cinder, how’s having stolen the Power you always wanted working out for you? Cinder had the power she wanted, but she only got hungrier, eager to claim more and increase her might. But in her pursuit she was defeated and humiliated by Raven, had to steal her way out of Mistral, and then suffered defeat after defeat while in Atlas. Only in the end, when she didn’t keep pursuing the Maiden Power, did she get any kind of victory.

The reason these parallels to Narnia are so important is one of the most famous events of the series. The cracking of the Stone Table and the rebirth of Aslan after his death. ‘When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.’ Well, the ‘Stone Table’ in James’s office has cracked, and Penny strikes me as a pretty willing victim. She has never actually committed any actual treachery or harm, as she was the Protector of Mantle, and fought for its and Atlas’s people until the very end. And because of her death, the actual traitor, Winter, who loyally served James until he had gone too far, was saved. Through Penny’s self sacrifice, Winter was saved. So now Death itself will start working backward.

(Major props to my friend @catontheweb for writing this section, I was getting nowhere with it, if they weren't there this part wouldn't exist!)

Norse Mythology:

The tree we see in the post credit scene gives off some serious Yggdrasil vibes. Also called the World Tree, it is essentially all of creation in Norse Mythology. It connects all nine realms, including the God realms of Asgard, the human realm of Midgard, and the underworld of Hel.

Humans are born from the branches of Yggdrasil. The web of Wyrd is woven for every person once they're born, and their path is set from there regardless of how many times the souls cycle over. But at the end, they're destined to end up in one of the worlds, for a myriad of reasons.

I believe Penny landed closest to this giant tree. She was on the center platform in the void space, so if that space is directly above the island(?) the tree is on, it makes sense for her to fall by the center nearest to the tree. This would not only open up all kinds of possibilities for the volume in general, but it would also create options for Penny.

The whole of Yggdrasil’s representations fit well into Penny’s story. Birth, growth, death and rebirth. We can count Penny’s appearance in V7 as birth for now, her growth is all her development in leaving =the military and becoming a Maiden, her death just happened, and her rebirth would be her revival. And this is a cycle she’s gone through before.

The Norse god Odin and Yggdrasil have quite a connection. In one story, Odin cut out one of his own eyes to gain knowledge from a pool underneath Yggdrasil. The only one that fell whose eyes alone are incredibly significant to the story was Ruby. So, they could choose to have her allude to Odin by having Ruby make some kind of deal with whatever entity likely rules over this magical place. An eye for Penny’s life.

There’s another story about Odin, Yggdrasil and the pursuit of knowledge. Odin so loved knowledge, that he sacrificed himself in a quest to learn the deeper magic of runes. It was believed one could only learn the magic spells from runes in death. So, Odin hung himself on Yggdrasil for nine days as an offering, and teetered between life and death. After he mastered the last spell on the ninth night, he ritually died and all light was extinguished from the world. Odin’s death lasted until midnight, when he was reborn and light returned to the world.

This story doesn’t fit Penny perfectly, but allusions often don’t. So If she really did land near the tree, she could be another loose representation of Odin’s story here. What she did wasn’t for knowledge, but to save her friends and keep Cinder from getting the Winter Maiden power. She believed it necessary that she sacrifice herself to achieve this end. As we established, Penny represents Hope, so her death means the loss of hope. This parallels Odin’s story of his death meaning the loss of light itself. So if this theory holds up, it would make this death temporary, until her rebirth and the return of Hope with her once again.

Alternatively, Ruby has the potential of loosely representing Odin in this story as well. Odin later uses the knowledge of the runes to do many things, but the most relevant one right now is awakening the dead. Both of these stories are about making a personal sacrifice to gain something that is desired. Ruby would absolutely make such sacrifices if it meant saving Penny.

It is said that Odin lived “according to his highest will unconditionally, accepting whatever hardships arise from that pursuit, and allowing nothing, not even death, to stand between him and the attainment of his goals." This sounds like Penny's arc of accepting the WM powers. This is more just a general connection between Penny and Odin, but I found it interesting.

Side Note: I encourage anyone who’s interested to look into RWBY connections to Norse Myth, there’s a surprising amount of things that feel eerily similar to the show. Likely just coincidental, but it’s fun to think about!

(If I got any of this wrong, I sincerely apologize by the way. I researched as best I could, but I admit it could have been lacking.)

Ambrosius and the Staff:

Ruby told Ambrosius "we kinda wanna keep her around longer than that" as part of her very specific instructions. Then Penny died about ten to fifteen minutes, at the absolute most thirty minutes later in-universe. I don’t know about you, but to me that seems very short to be considered ‘longer than that’. Technically it is, but when writing a story and a character says something like that, you typically don’t just kill the character they were referring to basically right away. It makes sense for a week-by-week watch, but in a volume binge, which many viewers do, it becomes ironic how fast Penny dies after being removed from her robotic body.

The first time we see the staff of creation being used, it's to save Penny. Using the staff of creation to help Penny is a sign of how incredibly important she is.

They’ve even got this entire transformation sequence for her, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to throw all that away two episodes later. In a meta context, it’s a massive waste of time and budget considering the asset creation for Penny.

Penny is a character who has already hopped bodies two times. And now we're supposed to just believe that this time it really is a final death? Just two episodes after we were explicitly told her body isn't what matters, that "Her soul is who she is" and that "the mechanical parts are just extra"? From a writing perspective, it feels strange, like your breaking a promise right after making it. And frankly, CRWBY is better than that, which makes me think this is not the actual end for her.

A possible connection between Penny, Ruby, and the Staff (thus Creation) can be seen in the intro. As Ruby is falling and being dragged down into the darkness, she is shown reaching for the staff. In the void space, Penny is the one with the relic. So with Penny having this strong connection to Creation, and the lyrics “fight for every life” playing as Ruby reaches for the staff, it’s a safe assumption to make, with the knowledge we now have, that the Staff of Creation represents Penny in this particular moment. Which could mean that V9 will be about, at least partially, fighting for Penny’s life.

Musical Hints:

In terms of music, Friend, as a song for Penny, is very dissonant from the episode itself. The song is oddly cheerful for Penny’s recent untimely death, and it overall highlights the wrong parts of death. It’s simply too happy to be a song about losing one of the most, if not the most joyous characters in the entire show. The song also abruptly ends. There’s no outro, and while this could symbolize the fact that Penny died young, it could be that the song itself is unfinished in a story sense.

What do we hear just before the song finishes, though? A progression of notes that sounds eerily similar to the last line of the opening of Volume 8. The notes for “Fight for ev’ry life” and “Who fin’lly felt alive'' share a similar melodic structure, they aren’t perfect clones of each other, but they are incredibly similar, to the point where it seems intentional. Penny may very well be the life that the opening song is fighting for. It is also worth noting that the line “Fight for every life” comes just after “Sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall,” which is the exact wording used for the description in the Volume 8 finale. Team RWBY risked the fall, yet, strangely the opposite of fighting for every life happened with Penny’s sacrifice. Perhaps the time to fight for every life has yet to happen, and we will see it come Volume 9.

For another thing, the lyrics for Friend are entirely centered on Penny’s feelings for Ruby, to the point where they read very much like a bittersweet love song. The music itself is incredibly cheerful, as mentioned previously, creating a mood whiplash with the end of the volume. Why would we hear a song about Penny’s feelings for Ruby, sounding like a love song, if her death is supposed to be a tragic sacrifice akin to Pyrrha’s? The song may very well be giving a clue into its future use in the show proper.

If this was meant to be a good bye song, why make it so cheerful and romantic sounding? There's only one part about her dying and even then, it's just too accepting and goes right back into cheerfulness. The song is also pretty hopeful, telling Penny's story in a fairly chronological order. And the part where she talks about sacrifice is quite pointedly followed up by one about feeling alive. It also ends with the super cheerful chorus, the word "alive" being the last... (Remember the episode title: The Final Word)

(I want to thank my friend @shadow-0f-x for writing the majority of this section! I was struggling to choose how to tackle it as I am not well versed in music theory.)

What We Didn’t See:

It is likely that Penny understood Jaune's semblance better than him and figured something out about it’s abilities in the same way that she understood Ruby's semblance better than her. She had plenty of time to observe his semblance up close as he boosted her aura to stave off the virus. Because of that intentionally timed cutaway in the finale, we don’t get to hear her explain herself after her strained “Trust me.” All of that seems really suspicious to me.

Pyrrha Parallel:

Pyrrha and Penny both sacrificed themselves to stop or stall Cinder. Jaune tried to convince the both of them to stop. With Pyrrha, he failed, while with Penny he actively helped her sacrifice herself. Doesn’t make sense for the guy who was determined not to let anyone else do what Pyrrha did, unless of course Penny assured him she’d be alright.

The Moment:

RT including the suicide hotline in the description shows that they're aware that Penny basically committed assisted suicide, seeing it as a noble sacrifice worth doing to save her friends. They're aware, and I believe they're smart enough to condemn that decision to hell and back.

The best way to do that in my opinion is to pull her back into the land of the living and let her witness first hand the consequences of throwing her life away so freely. This would show Penny how her actions affected others so maybe she could learn to truly value herself. To not think herself expendable. It would be bold and unwise to portray this choice as something good, unless it was going to be called upon later and be pointed out for how horrible it really is.

On top of this, Penny was way too content with her death, happy even. There's no way team RWBY is letting her stay content with it. It’s almost as though we're supposed to join Ruby and Co. in calling bullshit on what Penny is saying and doing because no, Penny, this is not how things are meant to work. It's as if Penny was basically saying "I want to die for my friends" because most of the volume had been about everyone else making sure she didn't die. She knows it will hurt them. She knows.

At the peak of it all, a choice like this will totally destroy Ruby. It may very well be her breaking point for Volume 9. Curiously, the moment itself is written like it’s the first choice Penny’s ever made, yet the entire Volume shows this isn’t the case. However, this is the first choice that Penny’s made solely independently and it’s rather pertinent that the choice she makes is a mistake. Outside of giving Winter the Maiden gift and saving the day temporarily, this sacrifice will not have any lasting positive effects. Jaune will be saddled with the grief of killing Penny. Ruby will have to live with losing her best friend and not being able to protect her a second time, and Winter now has the burden of the Winter Maiden abilities, making her a target of Cinder. This is a bad thing, and Penny needs to see the long term consequences.

Transfer of Power:

As we all know, colors in RWBY are really important and get a lot of focus in the show. That means the yellow we see as Penny gives Winter the Maiden Powers was intentional and likely important, no matter how insignificant it may seem. It’s possible that the transfer effect being yellow could have something to do with Jaune’s semblance. When Fria gave the power to Penny, the effect was very much blue, so this transfer should have been green since she was the one giving it this time. The weirdness of this transfer and the focus on color in RWBY really makes it look like something’s up with how that went down.

A little off topic, but Penny saying "I won't be gone, I'll be part of you." makes me think... Winter is smart, so when she gets time to think about what Penny said, maybe she'll arrive at the same question many in the audience came to; if she's literally part of Winter, can they be separated again? If Winter starts questioning that, the possibility of Penny coming back just skyrockets.

Fria actually tells Penny "I'll be gone" before giving her powers up, which is an interesting contrast to Penny telling Winter "I won't be gone". She may have gotten that line from Winter be all philosophical in V7, saying Fria was now a part of Penny, but it hits differently coming from an actual Maiden. S5o it’s possible that Maidens usually actually will be gone, but Jaune's semblance did something to change that.

This could go well with the theory that they won't need to find an aura transfer machine, or build another one, because Jaune will have a semblance evolution allowing him to do the transfer instead. It might actually be that this evolution already happened and the golden light we saw was Jaune transferring penny's aura to Winter in some way?

An observation that I find interesting is when Penny gives winter the powers, not only is the aura yellow but penny completely glows yellow too, and she obviously starts to disappear, but she doesn’t seem to fully disappear, she just glows.

It's possibly a fading out effect and she does fully fade but animation makes bright light easier, and so we don't actually see her disappear because she's dead and not gone. But it does once again emphasize the color yellow here!

And the color is coming from Penny, it does go up Winter's arm a bit, but Penny is clearly the source. This transfer is so weird and I’m not really sure how to interpret it. There's just actually no reason that we are aware of to make the effect yellow here is the thing. Unless it has something to do with either Jaune or Ambrosius, or potentially a combination of both...

Jaune’s Aura:

The way we see Jaune's aura break in the finale is strange. His aura shouldn't be breaking here. It had been long enough since he was boosting Penny, he's had time to recharge, and it didn't look like it was a strain on him at all. Plus, we know he has a lot of aura, so there probably wasn't too much to recharge in the first place.

He has a massive amount of aura, it has never broken before as far as I remember. Even if it has though, that doesn’t make this occurrence any less odd. It should absolutely never be a one-hit KO. We didn't see anything that would've drained it, that should not have been enough to break his aura. Unless he did something - something that would require a huge amount of aura - that we just didn't see. That amount of aura drain is far more than just an attempt at healing would do, Jaune absolutely did something with his semblance that took up almost all of his aura.

Pinocchio Allusion:

As any Penny fan knows, her character allusion is Pinocchio, the puppet who became a real boy. Penny deviates from the allusion by having always been a real girl, as Ruby is quick to point out, but she shares many story beats with her original story including multiple deaths. In the original story, Pinocchio dies from being hung by his own strings due to his poor decision making and he dies. Sounds a little familiar, does it not? This is where his tale originally ended. Readers were unsatisfied with this ending however, so the author decided to change the story by reviving Pinocchio and teaching him to be more careful.

Unlike Pinocchio making all the wrong decisions, Penny often makes the right ones, or ones she thinks is right, when concerning others. While usually a good thing, this has meant Penny almost giving herself up multiple times during V8, her last attempt being successful. This is where Penny and Pinocchio begin to share similarities again. They are both very reckless when it concerns themselves. This carelessness comes from different places, but it ends with the same result of them endangering their lives and even sometimes losing them.

In the Disney movie, Pinocchio dies by drowning after going to rescue Geppetto and washes up on the shore (like the beach in V8’s post credit scene). His father is devastated and takes him home to grieve, but as a reward for his selflessness in rescuing his father, the Blue Fairy returns and brings him back to life, as well as granting him humanity. Penny sacrificed her life as well, and it stands to reason that she should be rewarded for it, much like her allusion was.

Penny got her maiden powers from someone with blue aura and then gave her powers to someone with blue aura. So it could be that not only Ambrosius, but Fria and Winter as well represent the Blue Fairy. It could be set up for Winter helping to bring Penny back to life once more. It’s an out there theory I admit, but it’s not outright impossible either. The Blue Fairy in Pinocchio saved him three times that I know of, so RWBY having three representations does make sense.

Geppetto wished for him to live as a real boy, but it depended on what path Pinocchio took. This is very reminiscent of Penny and Pietro. Pietro wants to see her live her life, and surely with him absent in V8C14 that didn't work, despite Penny choosing. Her father did not see her happy enough to live her life, and will only be able to learn her death through others. But Pinocchio's themes were life and being alive. So the likelihood that this is not her end yet is quite high!

A Girl That Fell Through the World:

Penny could be the girl who fell through the world. The girl in the story fled the consequences of a choice. The only person who chose her ultimate fate was Penny. The others were pushed into the void, but she chose to die. The consequence of her choice is Ruby’s grief first and foremost, which Penny won’t see. The girl who fell through the world does come back though, and the world will be changed severely with Penny’s absence. Alternatively, it could also be Penny coming back to Wonderland or wherever they currently are, as long as it’s unrecognizable to her.

What Returning Brings:

Others might say another return would have no story relevant purpose, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Penny gives a profoundly youthful, joyous, and wondrous outlook on the world and story that we hadn't seen since Ruby in Volumes 1-3(not the end), Penny returning would bring a much needed levity back in after the despair they will undoubtedly be going through. While not necessarily a huge thing in most other shows, for RWBY, a show largely about keeping up hope, an ounce of such relief is a necessity.

As much as I hate saying it, Penny’s death does actually make some narrative sense because she had to pass on the Maiden powers. (They could have done this in a number of ways, and I personally think they chose rather poorly, but I digress.) Throughout this whole volume, we can see Penny seemingly being set up to join the main cast, but would have been too strong with the powers. This also accomplishes ridding her of the burden of responsibility that comes with being a Maiden and lets her obtain the freedom that’s so important to her character.

Once she returns, seeing this grief that her actions caused, particularly to Ruby, will get her to realize more that her actions can have serious repercussions. She made a choice, but that choice hurt the people she loves. She must have known that it would but I’m not sure she ever realized just how much.

I didn’t want this post to be heavy in the shipping department, so I largely left it out, but I am going to say this one thing that could have an impact. If Nuts & Dolts is on its way to being canon, which this volume makes it feel highly likely, this could be a catalyst.

It could prompt an arc for the both of them in which Penny learns to live her life fighting for her loved ones, rather than sacrificing it for them. A relationship could potentially start from there. And Ruby seeing Penny learn these things may also help her to stop doing the occasional but very dangerous and reckless things she does. Ruby witnessing Penny coming to terms with what she did to the people that care about her would actually make her stop to think “wait, is this how everyone else would feel if I got myself killed?” That would be a very important moment of character growth for her.

I’m certain there are other significant things that Penny returning can bring to the show. And there are definitely more sections I could add to this. At this point though, assuming anyone even made it this far, I think I’ve been going long enough already. So let’s just roll into the outro!

As painful and hopeless as it seems, I'm choosing to trust them with this because there is absolutely no way they didn't see backlash coming. The way this finale went makes me think that they calculated for backlash and aren’t jumping into something they don’t have a plan to recover from. Whether this trust is unfounded or not remains to be seen, but I don’t think it is currently. I do think, however, that the cause of this backlash was a major misstep. Now that it has happened though, they have a chance to do something good with it.

I know for a lot of you, trust in CRWBY has been damaged, some even irreparably so. And for those that feel this way, I don’t blame you. My trust in them took a hit too, but isn’t broken completely yet. There are many ways that they can bring her back that would make sense with the narrative, they have the ability to make it right, and after going over all of the hints and general weirdness of things many times, I think they will.

I'm feeling pretty confident now and I really didn't expect that to happen at all to be honest. But discussing and theorizing with the discord server seriously helped get my hopes back up surprisingly fast! It’s actually thanks to all of them that this gigantic post even happened! So thanks a ton my fellow Dolts! And a special thanks to!!

@arcana-amicus

@catontheweb

@cosmokyrin

@gaydontmesswithme224

@jammatown919

@shadow-0f-x

They really helped get this thing across the finish line!

And thank YOU for reading all~ of this! I sincerely wish it gave you some of the hope and confidence that I now have!