#(a lot of like. destroying yourself for someone else and how that's a terrible thing to suffer)

[cherubchoirs]

The song/piece "13 angels sitting guard 'round the side of your bed" reminds me of you fallen gabe Au especially with the archangels. It especially came to mind when is saw your most recent Micheal (I think I spelled that wrong) drawing.

I'm also curious on how it would go when the other archangels would react when they saw what Michael had done to himself (once again sorry if I'm spelling that wrong) or what Gabe would think when he saw Micheal like that.

And a side side note I like to think if Michael ever came to term with his situation he would show his wounds a lot more with his dress. Initially hiding them but eventually embracing them

(and would you mind if I drew what I was imagining?)

Thank you for your time! Love your art!

(see this!)

oooohhh that song is absolutely beautiful and haunting....immaculate vibes in general but just right for michael tbh idk how to describe it properly, but the sound as well as the album title feel like an echo of something holy, which is exactly what he is at this point. he is the ruination of god's kingdom made incarnate, he is so inextricably tied to it that this was almost inevitable in a sense - with the collapse of god's universe in his absence, michael would always have to follow suit because of how fully he gave himself to it. and when destruction didn't come, he enacted it himself and now he decays with the world.

all three of the archangels respond in their own way to seeing michael again, though grief is the obvious throughline for each of them. i think they all kind of....knew that michael hasn't been okay for a majority of his existence, that the war in heaven left some part of him broken, but that couldn't be spoken about nor would michael admit to it anyway. seeing him now, however, shows how deep those cracks ran, how the loss of god was truly impossible for michael to cope with when his only stability was tied to following his law to its letter. and to see him insist that this is still god's doing, to hear when he expresses to them his joy, his rapture at being kept in god's grace despite what he had done is deeply, disturbingly wrong - nothing in his tone or movement expresses that joy, his voice is flat and distant, his body noticeably still. he says he was saved from his fall, saved from death, like he can't see how much worse this is. like he doesn't want to see.

raphael’s emotions are highly charged yet highly mixed – he openly weeps upon his initial shock wearing off and he begs michael to be healed, to forget everything else he came back for. he is dying, he is rotting away, he needs help, he needs so much help as raphael’s heart breaks and he sobs as the healer who was failed. michael had seen as much pain as gabriel had, had been torn open in battle countless times, but raphael had always been there to stitch him back together. look now, as his flesh decays and he stinks of mold, raphael sees a sickness he doesn’t understand, a deterioration he can’t fix. yet when michael describes what he's done, when he relates how he severed his own light to serve god, raphael actually feels a burning anger burst in his chest that rarely takes hold of him just beside his despair. he did this...to himself. it's a terrible thing and the guilt he feels at his own fury nearly overwhelms him, how selfish it is when michael suffers so much, but he can't let go of it. because they have suffered too, they've gone through so much without him there - he was meant to be their leader, he was meant to take care of them. and now he comes back like this, his body eaten away and with gabriel already lost. yet raphael can't grieve anymore, he can't let anyone else in heaven die and let any more go to ruin...so he stays close by michael's side to desperately apply curative magic with little effect, like the futile, harried attempts to resuscitate a long dead corpse (michael tells him there is no need – why does he fear god’s works or seek to improve them?)

uriel – who awoke upon gabriel’s death but now suffers with severe fatigue and continues to pass out unexpectedly – is deeply distressed, stricken silent between michael’s level voice and raphael’s miserable, despairing sobs. he is still somewhat disoriented, thinking over and over that he’s simply trapped in a nightmare and that he just must weather it as he always has in the centuries he’s spent dreaming. he obeys michael’s orders quietly, raphael begging for his help but he keeps believing if he complies this will pass, this can’t truly be michael. it’s not michael, just a bad dream. but following him into battle against gabriel forces him to come to terms with this being reality, that this is what he woke to. he copes by attempting to understand what’s happened to michael, what went wrong, and if he can convey that to him in a way that might salvage something of his mind. this is not god’s work, god would never do such a thing to one as loyal as michael. he is trapped in death, and uriel seeks to make him acknowledge that, to finally let his pain out even if it’s far too late now. yet at the same time, he is overwhelmed in the existential grief of what it must be like to be michael now, knowing michael’s words are hollow and said only to protect his mind from confronting what he is, and in some ways...it’s cruel to try to force that understanding. uriel knows this, and if michael wasn’t determined to bring so much suffering onto gabriel as a result, he might just have let michael believe all the lies he tells himself. it could be god, he could let him pray for the hours a day he does if that could comfort him in his horrific, unspeakable state. but he is destructive and uriel wants to lead him back to reality as it is.

gabriel experiences a mirrored pain to michael’s – in the same way michael thinks of gabriel’s fall as his fault, gabriel sees michael’s current state as his own. michael, always so dogmatic, so unforgiving, so defined by god he felt more like his shadow than an angel in his own right, had only ever been saved from his own self-destruction by gabriel’s tempering. he counseled michael when he was going too far, knew better than even the others that michael was dealing with unending grief from lucifer’s fall...and gabriel protected him from that. seeing his body rotted open, seeing how he has finally given everything and ruined himself so catastrophically, leaves gabriel in unbearable mourning. michael, upon their reunion, seems so righteous, that his body is a gift from god and that gabriel simply can’t understand that now as a sinner in hell. he feels no pain, he grows new life upon himself, his halo still crowns his head in its glory...yet for all his words, gabriel hears the same reasoning michael has always used, just twisted to its extremes. everything about him is extremes, warped into a zombie’s body without the mind to match. gabriel cries for him, begs him to see beyond his pain, his regret...begs him to see that everything he did was because he worshiped and loved god so much more than anyone else. it’s admirable, it’s still beautiful of him, and he doesn’t need to hate what he is now. he is a reflection of his service, he sacrificed so much more than any other angel in all of heaven. please. see how beautiful that is. no, gabriel wishes it had never happened, he wishes michael knew he never had to hurt himself so, but it was his love that led him there, his love of god and all of heaven. please, come back. please find peace in that. gabriel wants michael to heal from this, whatever that looks like, but he fears he may be too far gone to do that.

(like i said, i am INCURABLY attached to happy endings, and i do like something. adjacent to that for michael. i don’t think he’s working his way out of his depression and he continues to be incredibly withdrawn, but i do like him reconnecting somewhat with his siblings, including gabriel (who’s actually the most adamant about helping him). he would be very private about his body at first still, even with his brothers, but i really love the idea of each of them offering their own jewelry for him so he can decorate himself in all their colors. it makes him a little more open with it over time, wanting them to see how deeply grateful he is for their gifts. additionally, raphael assists him by creating new preservative magic for him even if he can’t reverse the decomposition that’s already occurred. raphael starting his career as the first mortician in heaven)

[adh-james-version]

Why have I been seeing so much Regulus, Barty, Evan, and Jegulus hate? And hate on every James ship that ISNT jily?

To all the older people in the fandom that are hating on the new ships, and characterization: This is NOT the same fandom it was 10 or so years ago!!

#1 - Fandoms evolve!

Everything you don’t like isn’t racist, everything you don’t like isn’t facsist, everything you don’t like isn’t fetishizing, everything you don’t like isn’t misogynistic, everything you don’t like isn’t destroying the fandom, shipping James with someone else isn’t anti-Lily, personality head cannons that don’t perfectly align with yours aren’t gonna bring the fandom to its knees.

Every fandom changes as people leave, join, create, write, draw, etc. So when I started seeing people hate so extremely on certain characters, ships, and headcanons, to the point that they are willing to tell someone to off themselves and/or call people stupid/racist/facsist ect. It took me by surprise because not likening something and talking about it or keeping it to yourself is different than telling someone they are misogynistic for liking a mlm James ship over Jily.

#2 - Hypocrisy Regarding Deatheaters

One thing that I see a lot of is people hating on is the fact that canonical deatheaters like Regulus, Evan, and Barty got revamped or “babygirled”. My first point here is that the same people who believe that are also Pro-Snape. While there is nothing wrong with being Pro-Snape, you can’t be Pro-Snape but Anti-Regulus. Both of them defected from the death eaters! They both laid down their lives to try and help! Even if the impact wasn’t the same the want to be on the right side was. You can definitely not like the personality that a lot of the fandom has given him, but you can’t hate him merely on principle without kinda looking like a hypocrite.

Now onto Evan and Barty: yes they were terrible adults and did horrible things, BUT, we don’t know them as school students. That’s why the fandom took them and fleshed them out how they wanted to, they were a virtually blank slate. That’s why many people like the headcanon of them being forced by their families into getting the mark. We don’t know what truly happened so we took some artistic liberties. Again the same sentiment about Snape from earlier can apply: you can’t hate Evan and Barty on principle when in canon (because most people making this argument care religiously about canon) Snape took the dark mark willingly and again canonically we don’t know why Barty and Evan took the mark.

#3 - The Whole Jily Thing

Okay, look. Liking a James ship that’s not Jily, not a big deal. Liking Jily and not liking other James ships, not a big deal. Not liking any of the James ships, not a big deal. Liking some, one, or none of the first two options, not a big deal. Calling someone misogynistic for liking Jegulus or any other James mlm ship, however, is odd. Saying all people fetishize mlm just because they like an mlm James ship over Jily, is odd. That’s the equivalent of someone who ships Jily over an mlm James ship being called homophobic.

This really ties back to points 1 and 2, the fandom evolved and more ships were added. And calling someone a misogynist for not shipping Jily but shipping Jegulus or another mlm ship when in reality they could be the biggest feminist on the planet but just not a Jily shipper.

#4 - Personally

They’re ships, characters, and headcanons that I really don’t like/hate but you don’t see me saying that the ship is going to end the fandom or that it is fetishizing the characters?

For example, I don’t like Snape (as a person, no knock to his his accomplishments) AT ALL, but I don’t think the people who do are racist! I don’t really like the trans ftm Remus headcannon, but I don’t think all the people who do are fetishizing the trans community. I like the Mary x Pandora x Lily ship but I don’t think the people who don’t are anti polyamory!

#5 - Conclusion

Older members of the fandom and people who have been in the fandom a long time really need to calm down a little bit.

And for the people who say things along the lines of “what about canon” and “it can’t severely affect canon”

The EXISTENCE of this fandom goes against canon! You ship wolfstar and nobleflower but you “care about canon”?!?

Okay that’s it.

[suffersinfandom]

Alright, I’m gonna talk about Ed and abuse.

“Why? Why are you spending your precious time on Earth typing about some dumb fandom stuff when you could be doing literally anything else?”

In short, seeing the “Ed is an abuser who’s inevitably going to hurt Stede” takes has been driving me absolutely bonkers since I first noticed them. They’re not going away, so I have to essay about it. 

In less-short: it’s because abuse is a serious thing and, as someone who’s experienced it, I get riled when it becomes a topic of discourse in my silly pirate fandom. It’s because it’s upsetting to read meta after meta accusing an indigenous man of being an abuser when the text doesn't support that reading. It’s because a lot of the abuse discourse in the fandom fails to separate real-life abuse from violence in a show. It’s because the vast majority of the abuse talk only acknowledges physical abuse which, while terrible, is not the only kind that hurts people and utterly destroys their lives. 

It’s because calling Ed abusive or insisting that he’s a future abuser can harm people who are like him -- people who have suffered abuse or get angry sometimes or have hurt people when they were hurt. Victims of abuse, especially those who dealt with it in childhood, often fear becoming abusers themselves. They bottle up their anger for fear of hurting someone. They hurt themselves in a misguided attempt to protect others. They don’t need to see meta that enforces their fears.

Before I get into it…

I may as well come clean and say that I’m on team Ed absolutely isn’t abusive.

Plenty has been typed in Ed’s defense by POC in the fandom, so I’m not going to go into how deeply unfortunate it would be to make an indigenous main character an abuser. I’m just going to say that, when you consider OFMD’s genre and attitude towards violence, it seems clear to me that you can’t call Ed abusive without calling out other characters unless you have some kind of bias against Ed. His actions are deplorable in the real world, a bit much in OFMD’s world, deeply unhealthy, not okay by any means, and shitty and traumatizing for his crew, but they aren’t abusive.

Remember: Our Flag Means Death is a comedy with tons of over-the-top violence. If your theory is unrelentingly grim or looks at violence and its consequences in a real-world light, consider stepping back and remembering what genre the events of the show are happening in.

And if you think that only the violence committed by the indigenous lead is abuse, look at the actions of the other characters and ask yourself why Ed doesn’t get the same grace you’ve granted the others.

What is abuse in the real world?

Abuse “includes [a pattern of] behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate, or control a partner or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to. This can happen through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.” (1)

“Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten someone. These behaviors are often more subtle and hard to identify but are just as serious as other types of abuse.” (2)

It’s important to emphasize that not all purposeful harm to another person, physical or otherwise, is abuse. “What abuse really means is control. When a truly abusive situation exists, it’s because one party is seeking to control the other through abuse.” (2)

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that involves one person intentionally harming another. That harm is meant to control, and it can take on more forms than just physical. 

In our world, all abuse is terrible. Vitally, our world is not a pirate rom-com.

Adding context: what is abuse in Our Flag Means Death?

Our Flag Means Death is a romantic comedy with one core romantic couple, Ed and Stede, whose story takes priority over everything else. It can be dark, it can be serious, but it is, at its core, a comedy, and not a subtle one at that. (3) Sometimes things are just funny and that’s it.

The show’s meanings aren’t hidden under layers of red herrings and subtext; if you’re compelled to bring out the conspiracy corkboard, you’re probably in too deep.

But this isn’t just a rom-com: it’s a pirate rom-com, and that comes with gratuitous violence. Here’s a short, fun list of examples of things that we can consider canon-typical pirate violence:

Tying hostages to the mast and letting them cook a bit

Wanton murder during a raid (“Note the gusto!”)

Threatening a crush at gunpoint until they stab you

Whippies and yardies

Cutting off toes and feeding them to people “for a laugh”

Literally any violence directed at a racist (this violence is, in fact, good and encouraged)

There’s also the pirate-typical killing of other pirates. Duels don’t seem entirely unusual, and Izzy outright tries to get Stede killed at several points in season one. When Chauncey Badminton and the English navy show up after being summoned by Izzy, Stede’s life isn’t the only one on the line: the rest of the crew is also put in potentially life-threatening danger.

In short, Our Flag Means Death has a lot of violence and peril, and very few instances of violence (looking at you, Hornigold) are treated as anything other than socially acceptable. But do you know what’s really important in the show?

Feelings.

The way characters feel as a result of something is given an immense amount of weight. The show’s subtleties are in the realms of the mental and the emotional, and that’s where the real pain is too. 

Nigel Badminton’s death was bad because it was emotionally and mentally devastating for Stede. Ed’s father’s murder was bad because it hurt him and forced him to create a monstrous alter ego to cope. Both of those men -- Nigel and Father Teach -- are totally acceptable casualties. Their deaths would be net positives (in this universe where abusers are punished for their behavior) if they hadn’t had such strong impacts on our leads.

Feelings are everything in Our Flag Means Death, and the feelings of our leads are the heart of the show. That’s where the story is. That’s where the complexity and ambiguity is. 

So what is abuse in this context? The casual treatment of physical violence and the seriousness of emotional distress tell us to adjust our own moral judgments accordingly. Physical violence is everyday, straightforward, and often comedic; emotional violence is devastating and complicated. Physical violence is cartoonish and, often, part of a punchline. Emotional violence is real and raw and not a joking matter. Planning to murder a guy and steal his identity can be shrugged off; ditching your boyfriend after experiencing a traumatic event is more complicated.

When we ask ourselves if something in OFMD is abuse, we have to consider the act in the context of a rom-com that’s all about the feelings of two guys, set against the violent backdrop of piracy, and absolutely packed with people getting maimed and murdered in casual, comedic ways.

So...

Is Ed abusive in the context of the show?

No.

Aaaand we’re done!

Joking, joking. Obviously I’m going to pick out the examples of “abuse” that people cite and discuss each one, but first: we need to talk about Ed, violence, and anger. 

Ed is not a violent person. He’s not full of rage that’s threatening to erupt at all times, and he’s not some kind of sadist who revels in hurting people. The violence of Blackbeard is a fuckery: it's the theater of fear, an illusion of cruelty calculated to terrify others into surrendering and obeying without (much) bloodshed.

Ed has his whole thing with murder that's rooted in childhood trauma. Killing his abusive father to protect his mother scars him so badly that he distances himself from the situation -- he blames Father Teach’s death on the Kraken, an invented monster. As a pirate, he creates loopholes and rules that technically put one step between him and killing (in his mind). He orders murders and causes deaths and maims and maintains his image as the bloodthirsty Blackbeard, but Ed doesn’t do “the big job” himself until the end of season two. When Stede’s life is in the balance, Ed can kill to protect him. 

Edward Teach kills only to protect.

But that’s killing, and we’re talking about general violence. It's true that Ed is casual about the day-to-day violence of piracy. He participates in it, incites it, and doesn’t feel bad about it. No one does; violence is part of the job.

That leaves us with the "anger problem." Ed is sometimes characterized as an angry person who lashes out when enraged, and canon doesn't at all support this interpretation. Ed gets mad, yes, but his anger is always at least understandable (and, in my opinion, he's one of our more restrained characters). It isn’t a constant, simmering thing that turns him into an abusive monster when he’s triggered. He doesn't always deal with his anger -- or any of his other feelings -- in a good and constructive way because both of our leads lack emotional maturity, but I think it's a grave mistake to characterize him as an angry person.

Hopefully I can elaborate on this idea -- the idea that Ed is only violent and angry in a normal and canon-appropriate way, and anger is by no means one of his defining characteristics -- by doing a run-down of all of the times Ed is accused of being abusive or showing signs of being an abuser-in-the-making.

---

Ed loses his shit on a falling snake during his nature adventure with Stede (S1E7). In this scene, he’s embarrassed about the treasure hunt, oblivious to Stede's intentions, and annoyed by the very existence of nature. He is not relaxed. When nature takes him by surprise, he stabs the crap out of it in a scene that is played for comedy. There’s the important part: this is comedy. Ed is grumpy and his childish tantrum is harmless and silly. It isn’t a red flag. Overreacting while irritated isn’t an indicator that someone will be abusive.

Ed punches Izzy after the English have taken the Revenge, captured Stede, and turned Ed over to Izzy (S1E9). Honestly, I think the fact that Ed lets Izzy talk before punching him demonstrates a great deal of restraint on his part. This is justified anger and fear for Stede’s life. This is not an indicator that Ed makes a habit of hitting Izzy.

In his post-pillow fort era, Ed is cleaning up his cabin when Izzy confronts him (S1E10). Izzy insults Ed, tells him that he’d be better off dead than as he currently is, and says that he serves only Blackbeard (Ed better watch his fucking step). Ed reacts by grabbing Izzy by the throat and telling him to choose his next words carefully. This is, in my opinion, a reasonable reaction and exactly the response Izzy was fishing for. The only pattern this scene indicates is one where Izzy goads Ed until he starts performing the violence expected of Blackbeard.

Which takes us to The Toe Scene.

In real life, it would be extremely fucked up for a boss to remove an employee’s toe and make him eat it. OFMD is not real life. One episode earlier, Ed was talking about the life he was glad to leave behind -- the life where The Toe Thing was done “for a laugh.” Not as punishment, but for fun. It’s set up as something that’s gross (“yuck”), not a grave punishment. When Ed feeds Izzy his toe, he gives Izzy what be asked for: he gives him a violent captain. He gives him Blackbeard. He gives him the guy who fed people toes for fun.

But what’s important here is that Ed is not having fun. He’s having a lot less fun than Izzy is, going by their expressions in the scene. This isn’t who he wants to be, but after having the possibility of a better life snatched away, Ed throws himself back into the sure thing. He becomes the Kraken -- the captain Izzy wants, the violent monster that Ed thinks he is and tries to distance himself from, and the only thing Ed thinks he can be. It’s sad. It’s desperation, not anger and abuse.

In the second season, Ed headbutts Stede after he’s revived from his coma-death (S2E4). In the next scene, Stede is holding a cold steak to his face and calling it an accident. Roach says “that’s what they all say” -- a line that alludes to domestic violence. The thing is? It’s not, and the crew has expectations of Ed that Stede doesn’t (as indicated by Stede's earlier assertion that Ed's a nice guy in response to Olu's concern that Ed will kill him).

Ed is freshly out of a coma (or newly alive). He’s nonverbal. His brain is, medically speaking, couscous. He still has one foot in the gravy basket. When he sees the man who left him hovering over him -- the man he loves, the man who just appeared to him as a mermaid -- he tries to say something. When that fails, he resorts to a headbutt. This is a single violent action perpetrated by a confused and hurt man who doesn’t know what to do with all of his feelings. He can't talk. He can't push Stede away.

Stede understands all of this, even if the other characters don’t. He sees the headbutt for what it is: a bit of a bitchy move. He isn’t afraid of Ed. He never is. 

Stede also isn’t afraid of Ed when he acts out later that episode. When Ed learns that Stede went back to Mary, he excuses himself from the dinner table, smashes a chair against the wall, and knocks a vase to the ground. In this entire episode (this entire season), Ed is having intense feelings that he doesn’t know how to express or work through. The reveal that Stede returned to his wife is the final straw. He takes his tangled feelings out on an acceptable target (a chair, a vase) instead of Stede because he doesn’t want to hurt Stede.

This looks like displacement -- when “an unacceptable feeling or thought about a person, place or thing is redirected towards a safer target.” Displacement is an “intermediate level coping mechanism.” That is, it’s more sophisticated than the ways children deal with intense issues, but it’s still not entirely mature. In an adult, it indicates a level of emotional immaturity. (4) Ed is emotionally immature, not inherently violent. He gets overwhelmed by his feelings and lashes out -- not at a person, but at something that can’t get hurt. 

Displacement is not an indicator that someone is an abuser. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s an attempt at emotional regulation. It’s not the best coping mechanism, but it’s not a sign that someone is going to go into a rage and assault people.

Stede cringes when Ed smashes the chair and sends the vase crashing to the ground, but he’s not afraid of Ed. He is never afraid of Ed because he knows that Ed isn’t a real threat to him. He cringes because sometimes that's what a person does when a loud thing happens. That's what people do when chair shrapnel starts flying. Also? It's kind of embarrassing behavior on Ed's part. They're guests enjoying a mediocre dinner! That's no way to act!

And this leaves us with the first two episodes of season two.

Ed is fully in his Kraken era. He has no hope that Stede will return, he no longer trusts the crew, and he feels trapped in a life he absolutely doesn’t want. He thinks that he has to perform Blackbeard until death sets him free. He sobs in his cabin when no one’s looking. Publicly, Ed fades into the role of remorseless and bloodthirsty pirate captain.

Needless to say, this makes for a shit work environment. Ed works the crew (and himself) too hard. He drinks and does drugs (note that his drug of choice is rhino horn -- visually coded as cocaine -- instead of alcohol, the drug associated with his father) and runs everyone ragged. He’s an absolutely terrible boss, but he isn’t abusive.

That isn’t to say that the crew left on the Revenge isn’t traumatized. They are! They’ve been thrown off balance by the sudden change for the worse in someone who was previously a pretty cool guy, and they’re traumatized by the neverending violence that the constant raids -- raids that are bloody and deadly, not the fuckeries of the past -- demand of them. They’re traumatized by that final night in the storm when Ed does everything in his power to goad them into killing him, almost murdering everyone in the process. They’re traumatized by their own attempt at murder and their own capacities for violence.

In S2E4, Blackbeard’s crew has flashbacks to the violence they perpetrated under the Kraken: Jim fighting Archie, Fang breaking a man over his knee. They’re haunted by guilt about what they did to Ed, as evidenced by their Lady Macbeth-style scrubbing. Their own violence is a significant part of their trauma.

No, that doesn’t absolve Ed. He drove the violence -- demanded it of both the crew and himself. He hurt other people because he was hurting, and that’s terrible. 

Ed’s behavior in the first two episodes of season two is horrible, especially when his desperation reaches a fever pitch, but there's no attempt to control and no habitual mistreatment. Nothing he's doing is normal for him. He's spiraling and unraveling and pulling the world apart around him. Not all bad or violent behavior is abuse.

(We also have to ask ourselves just how bad Ed’s behavior really is. Archie, someone from the pirate world who has no idea what the Revenge was like pre-Kraken, tells Jim “that’s how these things usually go” at the height of Ed’s violence. She doesn’t act like she experienced anything out of the ordinary.) 

But what about Izzy?

What about Izzy indeed. Let’s walk through the first two episodes.

One of the first things we see Ed do in season two is shoot a man. At first this seems like the show telling us that Ed is embracing the kind of violence he couldn’t manage before, but if we pay attention, we can see that he’s still following his “not a murderer on a technicality” logic. The man he shoots has a sword through his chest; he's as good as dead. He also falls offscreen before Ed shoots, making the action less impactful.

OFMD is not subtle and this is a quick way to communicate what’s going on with Ed. He’s not doing well and he’s more violent than he was last season, but he’s still himself under the Kraken’s makeup. He hasn’t done a moral one-eighty. If the show wanted us to think that Ed's a monster, they would have made him a hell of a lot more violent.

So. Izzy.

Immediately after Ed tells Izzy that he’s replaceable in S2E1, we reach the scene that some point to as proof of domestic violence. This is where Izzy breaks down because he has just been told in no uncertain terms that he’s not Blackbeard’s special little guy. That’s devastating to him, and he cries when the crew approaches him with kindness and sympathy. 

Jim tells Izzy he’s in an unhealthy relationship with Blackbeard. Frenchie describes their relationship as “toxic.” 

A toxic relationship is “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness." (5) And you know what? Yes, Ed and Izzy definitely have a toxic relationship. And is their relationship unhealthy? It sure is -- for both of them. But the crew is, understandably, more sympathetic towards Izzy because they’ve never been present when Izzy was hurting Ed. 

(Only tangentially related, but the crew must have really liked Ed pre-Kraken. As far as they know, the man went dark with no warning or cause. They deal with him for approximately three months (assuming one raid a day), and he has to go so far before they put an end to him. Remember when they were ready to toss Izzy overboard after, like, twelve hours under his command?)

Even though they only have one side of the Izzy and Ed story, the crew isn’t accusing Ed of domestic abuse. The term doesn’t apply to the mutually fucked-up thing that Izzy and Ed have and, beyond that, the scene is played for laughs. Jim and Frenchie use comically modern language. The whole thing feels like an intervention for a stressed-out middle manager with a shitty boss. It's funny. It's a comical thing in a comedy show.

Izzy returns to Ed and tells him that the crew won’t throw treasure overboard to make room for more treasure. Ed says, “And that’s another toe.” Losing a toe is the penalty for failing the kind of captain that Izzy said he will serve. It’s obviously not okay to punish an underling by taking toes, but we’ve already established that toe-removal isn’t a cruel and unusual pirate punishment.

(Specifically, toe-chopping is the cost of Izzy’s failure. Frenchie disobeys and lies to Ed in his short time as first mate and he doesn’t lose a single toe. Izzy bears the brunt of Ed’s cruelty because he’s the one who demanded it.) 

This is not who Ed wants to be, but it’s who he thinks he has to be. It’s who Izzy told him to be.

Next, Izzy makes the mistake of invoking Stede and Ed storms above deck. He holds the crew at gunpoint, one by one, and asks them if they think that the vibes on the ship are poisonous. No one gives him a positive answer and Ed turns the gun on himself. He works himself up until Izzy interrupts and the following exchange happens:

IZZY: “The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why.” ED: “Well, I don’t. Enlighten me.” IZZY: “Your feelings for Stede fucking Bo--”

 [Ed shoots Izzy in the leg. Ed steps over him on his way back to his cabin.]

ED: “Throw this shit overboard and get suited up.”

The fucked up vibe is not because of Ed's feelings for Stede. Ed's feelings for Stede resulted in Ed having a nineties-rom-com-style breakdown and proposing a talent show. The Kraken and the ensuing fucked atmosphere were ushered in by Izzy.

Izzy is only shot after he proposes talking it through (something he attacked Ed for in S1E10) and publicly places all of the blame on Ed's feelings (feelings that he previously threatened Ed about -- Izzy owes his loyalty to Blackbeard, not a "namby pamby in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend" who would be better off dead). Whatever Izzy's intentions are, it's not irrational for Ed to interpret this as a further threat or an attempt to stir up a mutiny.

What’s important for this post is this: Ed's actions are not unusually cruel for a pirate captain who considers his first mate out of line. Shooting someone in the leg is the kind of thing that the idea of Blackbeard that Izzy worships does to maintain his reputation.

Fang cries when Ed shoots Izzy because he knows Blackbeard. He has been with Blackbeard longer than anyone else, and this isn’t Blackbeard. Blackbeard doesn’t work his crew this hard. Blackbeard doesn’t disregard the deaths of long-time crewmates like Ivan. Blackbeard doesn’t shoot his own crew. Fang is off-balance and distraught because his captain of twenty years is acting far, far more cruel than the one he knew.

This is not Ed as he usually is. Ed at his worst is breaking all of his past patterns. He’s behaving like a different person. His actions at this point in time are not typical of his past actions or predicative of his future actions.

When we reach S2E2, Ed is chipper. He’s cleaning up, he’s tying up loose ends, and he has decided that, no matter what, this is the day that he dies. He’s determined. First, he’ll give Izzy a go at killing him; next is the storm, the destruction of the steering wheel, and taking increasingly desperate actions to get the crew to stop him. He tells Jim and Archie to fight to the death. He goes to blow the mast away with a cannon and doesn’t react as nameless crew members are being washed overboard. 

Ed is stopped only by Izzy’s reappearance and the violent mutiny that follows.

None of what Ed does here is abuse. This is desperate violence. This is an unwell man begging everyone around him to send him to doggy heaven.

And finally, we have the big murder party in the season finale. A surprising number of fans interpret Ed’s willingness to cut down naval officers as a sure sign that he’s gotten worse and he’s more violent than ever. This is, in my opinion, a take that completely ignores everything we know about Ed and his relationship to violence.

It bears repeating: Edward Teach kills only to protect. He murders his father to protect his mother. He kills as Blackbeard to protect himself (and no matter how he tries to distance himself from that violence, he still causes deaths). He mows down colonists for Stede. He kills for safety and for love, and by the end of season two, he has made some kind of peace with the Kraken and his own capacity for violence.

It’s sweet. It wouldn’t be sweet in the real world, but in this world? In a world where physical violence is funny more often than it’s serious? In a world full of pirate characters who all have hefty body counts? It’s growth. It’s Ed healing.

Ed is doing better. He’s not a threat to the man he loves, and now he’s not a threat to himself either.

Anyway.

No, Ed is not abusive. No, there’s no indication that Ed will become abusive in the future.

Dislike characters. Take issue with things. Feel whatever you want to feel, but remember that abuse survivors are not a monolith. Consider, just for a moment, that the abuse you think you see in the show is not textual. Ask yourself if Ed is truly worse than all of the other characters or if you have some bias warping your view of him. 

Finally: please keep in mind that I’m not trying to present The One True Interpretation. I’m just rolling all of my arguments and thoughts into a ball and throwing it out into the wild. You don’t have to agree with me but, if you don’t, I hope you’ll at least consider what I'm saying.

Peace and love and goodbye.

[mdhwrites]

If you have already addressed this issue please feel free to ignore what follows and direct me to your appropriate post.

I'd like your thoughts on fans who, went confronted with writing flaws in The Owl House they can't headcanon away, default to blaming Disney's cancellation for the show not being perfect. They will even do this for writing flaws that were evident well before Disney pulled the plug.

I have absolutely tackled this from a LOT of directions, such as how the early writing was not actually as good as we think it was, it just had a lot of potential, how S2A nukes much of that potential, how the found family was never real, how themes were always fucked, etc. like that to the opposite where I pointed out that for S3, ANY sort of S3 that was anything like what we got, S2B essentially had to be exactly what it was before so either S3 was inherently flawed by a godawful setup where you have no threats and most characters wrapped up entirely or TOH has always been full of it and wanted way more than three seasons which makes a lot of sense for how TOH has some of the slowest storytelling in all of kid's media. Oh, and of course the fact that they kept adding to the story and threats even after the shortening, such as the fact that the Collector only ever shows up in a dream sequence before S2B and even the creators have admitted they threw it at the wall in response to the shortening because they just wanted to see what happened.

For today though, I want to mention that in my Discord, someone linked a Reddit post that called the second episode kind of boring. That's it. Second episode wasn't great but the rest of the series was. As far as softball complaints go, you don't go much simpler. However, the top comment on it still had a person who seemingly out of reflex decided they had to bring up the shortening for the SECOND. EPISODE.

They didn't bring up Disney meddling.

They didn't bring up that it was finding its footing.

They didn't even bring up potential good points of the second episode, something even I could.

It was the shortening before anything else for something that happened over a season before the shortening took effect.

The shortening was the best possible thing to ever happen to TOH's Legacy. Not TOH itself, I'm not that big of a dick, but to its legacy. Anything that is praised as rampantly as TOH was is always due for a backlash, whether reasonable or not. Steven Universe went through this. She-Ra went through this. Frozen went through this. Bioshock Infinite is INFAMOUS for how its re-evaluation destroyed it as we all realized that even for the time, it wasn't good storytelling and just not a great game either.

This larger backlash has never happened to TOH because there's an impenetrable shield for many. "Disney screwed it over. A full S3 would have made it perfect." All complaints can be deflected because they can be blamed on someone else, something the show even encourages mentally due to how it treats Hunter, Lilith, The Collector and, of course, Amity. As such, people who might have normally seen my blogs and actually had to pause and question the show don't. I'm being unfair after all by not considering its production, which is admittedly a pretty shitty way to analyze media because we still need to evaluate the end product. People still call Molly McGee's ending being rushed despite being so much more cruelly treated than TOH's.

BUUUUUT I also think this is why ten years down the line... It's going to be forgotten. New people will come to the show and maybe they'll like it but they won't be able to love it. The cracks are obvious to any who perceive it. You can still enjoy it of course but to be diehard like the fans right now? You need something to plaster over it and those won't be in as active discussion ten years later. You won't have had an entire season of bracing yourself for any criticism like TOH's fandom had after S2A. It's a show doomed by its late stage flaws to be terrible for those who binge it who are unlikely to like it enough to want to see why this happened. Maybe word of mouth spreads it but like... If you look at the ratings, they were never much more impressive than Amphibia so bare minimum, a more rabid fanbase only ever got TOH more piracy, if it actually got it that much larger a fanbase, especially amongst normal people and not all of us, myself included, who are chronically online.

There's also a lot of stuff about TOH that falls into this category. Raine will seem almost worthless once a popular cartoon with an NB character with, you know, an actual character shows up. Lumity will seem pathetically written once an actually nuanced couple in animation shows up. Belos will lose so much of his bite once there are not a billion people screaming colonialism/racism about the generic evil dictator. TOH is propped up with excuses and accolades that make people think it is beyond reproach. That criticizing it is wrong and thus never evaluate their own thoughts on the show.

They stay in their bubble, dreaming of a S3 that doesn't, and couldn't, have ever existed. Swept up by their sweet lies, they shall stay in their fantasy world just like Luz did. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I wonder if a lot of this is also why I've only gotten one person on Tumblr to REALLY try and wage war on me. My blogs are too long and thorough to refute easily or just get mad over. I've had people try of course, some who try to dissect my blogs but their posts go nowhere and their arguments are limp because when you're up against someone like me... Well, I'm proud of what I do here, even if I do it as casually as I do.

That or how long my blogs are makes people not interested in things critiquing TOH just skip them. Also, I didn't link specific blogs because Tumblr's search function sucks and so I have no idea if I'd even be able to find them.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[phecdasolar]

Friendly reminder that if you see something bad or stressful on the internet you can ignore it. If you see something bad that’s trending you don’t have to click on it.

Your mental health comes first. This is going out specifically and especially to all my fellow hyper-empathetic people out there. If you know that going down a rabbit hole of information on a specific horrible topic is going to make you depressed or feel like crap then you don’t have to interact with that. (Edit: I have been informed that this is called “doomscrolling.” To repeat what I was told: Doomscrolling is not activism. It doesn’t end up helping anybody and it only hurts you.)

In this day and age where we have access to the internet and information about soooooo many different horrible things it can be so easy to get sucked in to all of it. We have wars, we have constant natural disasters (there’s a massive fire close to where I live right now, it’s barely contained, and is rivaling the fire we had a few years ago that destroyed an entire town. It’s terrifying), we have beloved creators being accused and revealed to have done horrible things (the fact that I can say this and multiple names immediately pop into my head sickens me).

The point is, take a break. Get off the internet. Breathe. Go for a walk. Maybe look at videos of cute baby animals, or compilations of “restore your faith in humanity.” Go read a book. Eat something you like. Take a nap. Drink some water. Take a shower. If you’re religious, pray about it. Take care of yourself and don’t allow yourself to drown in the dread.

And for the people who might come at me for this saying “how dare you not care about the problems going on or the pain other people are in!” That’s the problem. It’s not that I don’t care, the problem is that I care too much. Please refer back to the hyper-empathetic part of this message. I am a sympathetic crier. I will allow myself to get so sucked in to an issue and I will end up feeling terrible about it. I won’t want to leave my bed, I feel like crying and throwing up and there is an everlasting pit in my stomach the size of Alaska. I am no help to anyone in a state like that, and neither is anyone else. I will say it again, take care of yourself and your mental health first.

There’s a reason on planes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

But that’s not to say you have to ignore it completely! Take a step back, take a break, and then engage when and only when you feel like you’re at the mental/emotional/psychological capacity to do so.

When coming back a tip I have is pick one specific issue, and focus on that. Only one. Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you can, find a friend or someone you know is reliable and levelheaded and talk to them about it. Multiple perspectives can help a lot, plus you feel less alone when tackling a difficult situation.

It’s important when you’re gathering information on the issue that you know your sources are reliable, and you’re doing your own research. “Okay, multiple people on Tumblr are screaming about something but they’re saying different things about what’s going on.” Tumblr is not a reliable or credible source I am sorry besties. We are a bunch of dumpster gremlin raccoons given access to a platform to scream out our personal thoughts and opinions. Please don’t take them as solid immediate truth.

I have more I could say on this probably but it’s 1 am and I am losing my thought coherency. Have a good night/day and take care of yourselves <3

[nobrashfestivity]

Do you have any advice for artists?

I always have advice for everyone if they ask because I am the youngest child who no one ever listened to and now I'm living out the fantasy that someone will. "Why ask me" is a good question but you did, so that all said...

I think the basic stuff you probably already know is likely to be true. Keep your head down, do the best work you can and be yourself even if you admire someone else

If someone says you're a genius, ignore it and if they say you're a fraud, ignore that too. Genius is not for you to judge (or revel in ) and if you were a fraud you would know it deep inside and would never ask anyone for advice because frauds are narcissistic and fear being exposed.

It's too big a subject for a tumblr post, but one thing that has always helped me is the idea that you should be specific, because if your art involves making things up (most art does on some level), the mind can get lazy with the details.

If you look at someone to paint or write about, they have a ton of incidental attributes. Maybe one button on their shirt is hanging by a thread, or the blue of their coat is the same blue as a post office uniform, maybe they smoke French cigarettes and they taste terrible but they smoke them because they like what they think it says about them. It doesn't really matter what it is, it's just good to give things some kind of life in your mind. I think once you recognize the truth in something, how you deal with it artistically becomes easier because you're not obsessed with it's authenticity and can focus on doing it justice. I wrote a poem about my great uncle once and it wasn't as hard for me as maybe some other things because I was very clear that it all was true.

It doesn't matter if your art reveals all these details, but knowing them can help you get a grip on what you're doing. A lot of things in the arts are about training your mind to recognize tributaries without losing sight of the whole.

The other thing is, please don't be destroyed. I can tell you for a fact some truly great artists couldn't stand failure so every time they went out there, they failed, and it quite literally killed some of them.

Everyone is an artist at 20 but being an artist at 40 or 50 or 60 requires a lot more dedication (for a million reasons). To keep doing it and keep growing will require you to change and sometimes fail. It's a cliche, but a lot of people don't take it seriously because they have never seen themselves as failing. But, if you're honest, eventually you will have a some times when things didn't go the way they should and everyone will probably tell you it's the greatest anyway, but this is where you can take take arms against a sea of opinions and by opposing, well, you know.

I'd go on and on but I already did. Good luck, I am sure that you can do it. And i mean that.

[rainisawriter]

Made With Love – Shibaman (PSF #10)

PSF Ficography | H&F Flash Ficography

Genre: Fluff, romance, slice of life

Prompt: Love of my Life (@flufftober) / Leaves dancing in the breeze (Fall Flash @slumberpartybingo)

Word Count: 5,249

Pairing: Reader x Shibaman

World: High&Low

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

If someone had asked you a year ago if you believed in love or soulmates, you probably would have said no. It just wasn’t something that ever crossed your mind, mostly because you just didn’t have the time. Between dealing with Kuryu trying to destroy Sword, then Housen and Oya going at it… It kept you pretty busy. 

Things had been peaceful for several months now, though. Well, as peaceful as it could get at a place like Oya. There were still daily fights and arguments, but nothing that couldn’t be easily solved with a few punches.

With nothing else to worry about, you spent a lot of time with Tsuji, making fun of people’s poor fashion choices in magazines, and with Shibaman, listening to his favorite artists and talking about music in general.

If someone asked you to pinpoint when exactly it happened, you wouldn’t be able to answer because you simply didn’t know. You don’t know when you fell in love with Shibaman, you just knew that you had fallen hard. If you were being honest, it took you a long time to even realize it.

You started to feel nervous around him, worrying about how you acted or the things you said. You were afraid he would look at you differently. There were also the physical effects he had on you. Every time his eyes met yours, your heart would race. Hearing his voice never failed to make you feel calm and happy. His touch set butterflies free in your gut and when he spoke your name, you felt like you were melting.

You thought you were sick or maybe even allergic to him. It was so foreign to you that it was jarring, so you started to avoid him. He didn’t like this, of course, so he confronted you about it. You had no idea how to explain what you were feeling, at least not until Tsuji intervened.

He had noticed the change between the two of you – and he wasn’t the only one, either. To your surprise, Shibaman had been experiencing the exact same feelings. He loved you, too, so you started dating to test the waters. It was awkward as hell at first. It felt as if something had changed between you and you hated it.

It took a while, but you finally figured out that things didn’t need to change simply because you were a couple now. It took time, but the two of you soon fell back into the familiar groove you had sat in throughout your friendship and it was amazing.

Shibaman was the love of your life, you realized. All you wanted was to be near him and for him to be happy. You would do anything to make him feel loved, to make him realize how special he was to you. 

With his birthday and Halloween coming up soon, you wanted to do something special because, this year, the two of you were more than just friends. It took you a while to figure out what you wanted to do and you weren’t even sure it was a good idea. You couldn’t stop thinking about it, though, so you knew you had to at least try.

You could only hope your efforts wouldn’t be wasted and that he wouldn’t hate it.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Ready to go?” Shibaman leaned toward you from where he sat on the couch, a smile on his lips.

You offered him an apologetic smile. “I actually have plans today…”

The two men exchanged a surprised look before Tsuji questioned, “Don’t tell me you’re cheating on us.”

You laughed, shaking your head as you stood up. “No, never. I do need to get going, though.”

“Where are you going?” Shibaman stood up, reaching for your hand. “I’ll go with you.”

“No, you can’t!” You replied quickly, making his brow furrow. You mentally cursed yourself, scrambling for a believable excuse. “My cousin is coming into town today. I… haven’t seen her in a long time and she’s not really a fan of guys, so…” You mentally cursed again for choosing such a terrible lie.

Whether he believed it or not, he didn’t question it. “Be safe. If you need me, call me.”

“I will, I promise.” You cupped his cheek, pulling him down into a soft kiss that stole his breath away. “I’ll see you later.” You smiled at the two before rushing out of the room, unaware of the worried look the two exchanged.

It took a while for you to reach Housen, mostly because you were paranoid that the boys were following you so you took the road less traveled. The students looked at you strangely when you entered the school, but they knew who you were and had no desire to fight you. Housen and Oya had long since squashed their beef.

“Excuse me,” you called out, tapping a boy on the shoulder. When he turned, you recognized him instantly. “Ah, Sawamura!”

His brow furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see Yuken. Can you take me to him?”

“Yeah, sure,” he motioned for you to follow before starting down the hall. “What do you need to see him for?”

“Ah, well…” you rubbed the back of your neck, offering him a sheepish smile. “It’s a bit personal.”

He hummed, giving you a playful smile. “I hope you’re not going to confess. You know he’s dating Meg.”

You laughed at the thought. “I would never betray her like that. Besides, you know I’m dating Shibaman.”

“Oh, right. I forgot about that. Does he know you’re here?”

You frowned, lowering your gaze to the floor. You felt bad lying to him but you didn’t want to ruin the surprise. 

“That’s a no, then,” he replied softly, resting his hand on your shoulder. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

“Thank you, Sawamura.”

He led you toward a classroom on the first floor, sitting at the back of the school. The Four Heavenly Kings, along with a bunch of seniors, were crowded around the room, watching two students try to take down Jinkawa. The keyword there being try.

“Wait here,” Sawamura told you before moving farther into the room. Yuken was sitting at the back of the room with his girlfriend, the two watching something on his phone. Sawamura leaned down to tell him the situation, pointing over at you.

Yuken met your eyes and you smiled politely, waving your hand at him. Meg leaned to the side to see around the large boys standing between the two of you, a grin on her lips as she waved at you.

You waved back before forming a heart with your hearts. She pretended to catch it, holding it against her chest before both of you started laughing. Yuken shook his head, pressing a kiss to her cheek before standing up and approaching you.

“What can I do for you?” he inquired, a charming smile on his lips.

You glanced at the group of men gathered in the center of the room. Most of them were focused on the fight, but a few were sending you curious looks. “Can we talk somewhere more… private?”

He quirked a brow, glancing at the other boys before nodding. “Sure. Follow me.”

You followed him outside, taking a deep breath of the cool autumn air. “I need your help.”

“My help? Shouldn’t you be asking Oya?”

“This isn’t a problem they can help with,” you frowned, glancing around to ensure you were alone. “Is it true that you know how to crochet?”

Yuken scowled, a hand on his hip. “I told Meg not to tell anyone that.” 

“So, it’s true then?” You gave him a hopeful look and he nodded. “Please teach me!”

He hummed curiously, folding his arms over his chest. “I expect diligence. No slacking off and no excuses.”

“I understand. I promise to be a good student!”

Yuken considered this for a moment before nodding. “Alright. Give me your number so I can text you when I get everything set up.”

“Thank you so much,” you grinned.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

For the next two months, you visited Yuken every few days to learn how to crochet and begin working on the sweater you wanted to make for Shibaman. You chose the softest yarn you could find, using black as the base color. It took a while for you to decide between cats and pumpkins, but you finally chose both.

In the center of the sweater would be a jack-o-lantern with a cat leaning the upper half of its body on top of it. You also planned to add a witch’s hat. You could clearly see the design in your head, but it was much harder to bring to life than you had anticipated.

“Damn it,” you cursed, scowling down at the design before you. The jack-o-lantern was misshapen despite having redone it about twenty times. If you couldn’t even get a pumpkin right, how in the hell were you going to get the cat done? You were getting frustrated, especially since his birthday was quickly approaching.

“Don’t get frustrated,” scolded Yuken, peering at you over his glasses. “It’ll only make the stitching look worse.”

“I know,” you muttered, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself. You carefully undid the stitch before trying again, slower this time, but it still came out looking funky. “Ugh! Why is this so damn hard?!”

“I did warn you that this pattern wasn’t beginner-friendly,” he tutted, sitting back in his chair as he worked on a pair of mittens for his girlfriend. Unlike your creation, his was pristine and well crafted, clearly made by a professional.

“Maybe I should have hired you to make one instead of teach me,” you sighed, sliding down in your seat. 

“You’d regret it.”

“Huh?”

“You chose to learn how to crochet because you wanted to make something for the person you love, right?” He quirked a brow at you. “You wanted to craft something with your own hands, your own heart, to show him how much he means to you. That is the soul of crocheting – making things with love for the people you care about most. The feeling simply doesn’t transfer if someone else makes it.”

You frowned at the sweater in your hands, taking in his words. “You’re right, but… it looks god awful, he’s going to hate it. What was I thinking? Shibaman is into fashion and hip-hop, why the hell would he want a crocheted Halloween sweater? I’m so stupid!” You groaned, hanging your head.

Yuken scoffed, sending you an offended look. “If he’s not grateful for your hard work, then the problem lies with him, not you. Taking the time to crochet something for someone is the ultimate form of love and respect! And if he disrespects that, I’ll kick his ass myself!”

“You’re really passionate about this, huh…”

“Everyone needs something to be passionate about.”

“I thought that was fighting.”

He clicked his tongue. “Other than fighting. Come on, you need a break before you ruin the yarn.”

You set the sweater carefully in its box, closing the lid before following the male away from Housen and toward the local café to grab some lunch. The woman at the counter greeted him cheerfully, so you assumed he came here often.

Yuken sat down across from you, folding his hands on the table. “Tell me honestly, why did you choose to crochet a sweater for him? There are plenty of gift options that may be more… suited to his tastes.”

“Why?” You frowned at the table, scratching your cheek in thought. “As soon as I thought of the idea, it just felt… right, I guess. This is the first time we’re celebrating his birthday and Halloween as a couple, so I really want it to be special. I wanted to make him something myself because…”

“It feels more personal?” He guessed, quirking a brow.

“Yes.”

“The fact that you chose crochet over all other art forms tells me that you understand the craft at its base level. As long as you understand that, then no matter what you craft, no matter how imperfect it may be, it will be perfect in the eyes of the one receiving it.”

You didn’t feel entirely convinced. “Are you sure?”

“Trust me.”

“You’re the crochet expert, I guess.”

“Just… don’t go around telling people that, alright?”

“Sure, sure.”

While the two of you continued talking, Shibaman and Tsuji just so happened to be passing by. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to glance over, but his eyes fell on you immediately, widening in surprise. You had told him you were going to help your cousin get settled into her new apartment outside of Sword, yet there you were, sitting in a cafe with Housen’s Odajima.

Tsuji paused when he realized the taller male had stopped walking. He followed the male’s gaze, removing his glasses with a frown. “They are definitely not cousins.”

Shibaman frowned, feeling frustration and pain settle in his gut. Though he wasn’t fond of the idea of you meeting up with other schools, that isn’t what bothered him. Why had you lied to him about it? Why weren’t you honest with him?

Tsuji glanced at him, nudging his arm. “Don’t jump to conclusions. We should confront -”

“No,” Shibaman shook his head, beginning to walk away.

“No?” Tsuji quickly followed him, brow furrowed. “Don’t you want the truth?”

“Of course I do,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair in frustration. He didn’t want to demand answers from you, though. He wanted you to come clean on your own. “Don’t say anything about this.”

Tsuji had an idea of what his best friend was thinking, though he wasn’t entirely sure he agreed. “Fine, I won’t say anything,” he sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Baby,” called Shibaman, slipping his hand into yours as he leaned closer to you. “Do you want to go see a movie?”

Tsuji glanced up from the magazine he was reading. “My uncle just recently started working at the theater. He can get us in for free.”

“Oh, uh…” you rubbed the back of your neck with a frown. “I’d like to, but…”

“You have to see your cousin,” guessed Shibaman, his jaw tensing as he turned his gaze toward the wall.

You could feel how tense his body was and you didn’t notice the way he tried to subtly shift away from you. Guilt pooled inside your gut. “I’m sorry…”

He nearly asked if you really were sorry, but he bit back the question, pulling his hand free as he stood up. “It’s fine.”

You weren’t dumb. You knew this man like the back of your hand and you knew it very much was not fine. He wasn’t the type to speak his mind, though, and preferred to bottle things up until he simply couldn’t any longer. It was obvious that he was getting fed up with your cousin and you constantly ditching them.

Tsuji stood up to follow but paused when you called out his name. He quirked a brow at you but you could tell his usual friendliness toward you was gone. He didn’t like it when his brother was upset.

You quickly shut the door in case Shibaman was still close by and you lowered your voice. “I know you’re mad at me -”

“That’s an understatement,” he scoffed, having to bite his tongue to stop from mentioning the cafe. 

You chewed on your lip, having an internal debate with yourself about whether or not to tell him. “If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell Shibaman.”

“I can’t promise that.” He folded his arms over his chest, eyes narrowed from behind his colored glasses. “If you’re hiding something from him, he deserves to know.”

“And he will,” you promised him. “Just… I need a bit more time.”

“Time for what?”

You glanced at the door before leaning toward him. “I’m working on something for his birthday. It’s… taking longer than I thought it would. I didn’t want to lie but I want it to be a surprise.”

Tsuji felt surprised by this information. Why hadn’t he considered that you might be planning something? He felt a bit dumb for not thinking of it sooner, but he also felt a bit hurt that you hadn’t confided in him sooner. “You should have told me.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry…”

He sighed deeply, bringing his hand to his forehead. “I’ll see what I can do, but you better hurry up. He knows something’s up and he’s getting impatient.”

“I know…”

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Come on, you got this!” cheered Meg, staring at you with a grin.

“Just a little bit more,” encouraged Yuken with a nod, leaning toward you. 

“Hurry up, you’re so close!”

“No, don’t hurry up! Don’t rush it now!”

You looked up from the sweater with a scowl, sitting back when you realized just how close the two of them were to your face. “Can you two give me some space?”

“Oh, are you having performance anxiety?” snickered Meg as she sat back down.

You scoffed, muttering under your breath, “Anyone would with you two breathing down their neck.”

“Hey, we’re just trying to help.” Yuken sat down as well, arms folded over his chest. He was watching you intently, his shoulders tense as he watched the way you were stitching the last bit of the sweater.

Meg noticed this and laughed, resting her hand on his arm. “I think you’re more tense and you’re not even the one making it.”

“Of course I am! This is the creation of my first student.”

“Your first student?” she grinned, quirking a brow. “Does that mean you’re gonna take on more?”

Yuken said nothing, though he’d be lying if he said the idea hadn’t crossed his mind. He enjoyed teaching you more than he thought he would, despite how frustrating you could be at times.

“Yuken’s Crochet studio,” you snickered, glancing at him. “Got a nice ring to it.”

“Focus,” he scolded, refusing to admit that he did like the sound of it.

“Alright, keep your panties on.” You did as he instructed, focusing on the last few stitches. A few tense moments of silence ticked by. “There… it’s done.” You stood up, holding up the completed sweater.

It was far from perfect, the cat looking a bit derpy and the pumpkin still misshapen, but it had its own unique charm to it. It was one of a kind, made with all the love you held in your heart for Shibaman. That made up for the imperfections.

“What do you think?” you questioned nervously.

“It’s super cute,” smiled Meg. “He’s going to love it!”

Yuken nodded, giving you a proud look. “I have to say, I wasn’t confident that you would stick with it until the end.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“But you did and I’m proud of you.”

You chuckled, feeling happy at the praise. “Thank you, Yuken-sensei.”

Yuken put his hands together in front of him and bowed, deepening his voice. “Now, go out into the world, my pupil.”

Meg snorted. “What voice is that supposed to be?”

“Yoda.”

“That wasn’t even close.”

“I tried my best,” he pouted, pulling her into his arms.

You carefully folded the sweater before placing it in the box and securing it with an orange ribbon. “His birthday is tomorrow… wish me luck.”

“You got this,” Meg smiled, offering you a thumbs up. “And if he doesn’t appreciate it, Yuken will kick his ass.”

Yuken nodded, pushing up his glasses. “I won’t stand for anyone disrespecting such a sacred art.”

“Thanks, guys.” You offered them a bow and a grateful smile before scooping up the box and heading home.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

You couldn’t remember the last time you had felt this nervous, your heart racing within your chest. You were honestly tempted to just drop the gift off and run away, not wanting to see his reaction, but you knew you couldn’t do that. It was his birthday, after all, and you wanted to make up for avoiding him lately.

Taking a deep breath, you knocked on the door of his house. His older sister was the one who answered, looking tired. “He left already.”

“Eh?” your brow furrowed. He had always waited for you to arrive before heading to school so it was strange that he had gone ahead of you. “O-Oh, um… thank you.”

“Oi,” she called out, eyes narrowed at you. “He’s been moping around lately. If I find out you’re the reason, I’m gonna kick your ass.” And then she slammed the door in your face.

You scowled in frustration, though you weren’t sure if it was more toward her or yourself. You knew you were the cause and it pissed you off despite having done it with good intentions. Surely he would forgive you… right?

Holding the box to your chest, you rushed toward Oya high, keeping an eye open for the pair as you went. You entered the broadcast room with a smile, expecting to see your boyfriend sitting on the couch, listening to music. It was Todoroki who sat on the couch, though, reading one of his books.

Tsuji stood up when you entered, a frown on his lips. “He had already left when I got to his house this morning. I have no idea where he is.”

“Oh,” you frowned, chewing on your bottom lip. You thought about it for a moment before carefully setting the box beside Todoroki. “Can you make sure he gets this please?”

“Of course,” Tsuji offered you a smile, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. It did little to help, though.

“Thank you.” You offered him a bow before turning and leaving the room. Without Shibaman there, it felt pointless to stay at school so you decided to just leave.

Rather than go home, you chose to go for a walk around town to clear your head. The wind was chilly, making you retreat farther into the jacket you were wearing. It had originally belonged to Shibaman so it was quite large on you and it still faintly smelled of him. 

A light misty rain started to fall from the cloudy sky, feeling cold against your face but you didn’t mind. The rain was peaceful and helped you relax whenever you felt stressed. It wasn’t heavy rain, anyway, so the likelihood of you catching a cold from it was slim.

Despite how peaceful and quiet the world around you felt, you couldn’t stop thinking about Shibaman. Where was he? Was he okay? Was he mad at you? Or was he just hurt by your lies? You wished you could find him and explain everything, but you knew he didn’t want to be found. He wanted to be alone so he could sort out his own feelings.

That was fine with you, you just wished it hadn’t fallen on his birthday. Today was supposed to be special for him, to be free of worry or want. You had royally screwed that up, though.

With a sigh, you plopped down on the wooden bench inside the makeshift park. Honestly, you weren’t even sure it met the qualifications to be considered a park because it was just a small strip of grass with trees planted at each corner. A sad-looking swing set sat in the middle, the metal rusted and worn.

You doubted it was safe to use, though there were few things within Sword that were. The city’s entire aesthetic was danger.

You slid down on the bench as thunder rumbled softly overhead, leaning your head back so you could stare up at the sky. The tree to your left was completely bare, its leaves scattered across the ground like discarded newspapers. The tree on your right, though, was still clinging to a few of them, as if desperate to not let go.

The wind picked up and they finally broke free, dancing gently through the air as they made their way to the earth below. It was such a simple thing, but it brought a smile to your lips. 

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

You stifled a yawn as you approached your apartment, reaching into the pocket of the jacket for your keys. You hadn’t intended to spend the day at the park but time seemed to pass in the blink of an eye and, before you knew it, the sun was setting.

To your surprise, Shibaman was pacing back and forth outside the building, running a hand through his red hair repeatedly. He looked distressed which alarmed you.

“Shibaman? What’s-“

As soon as he heard your voice, his head snapped up. In just a couple long strides, he reached you, throwing his arms around you until you were buried in the warmth of his chest. The smell of pine and cologne filled your nostrils and you smiled, fingers curling around the black t-shirt he was wearing.

“Where have you been?” He huffed, trying to control the light tremble of his voice. “I’ve been worried sick!”

You frowned, pulling back so you could see his face. “You’re the one who disappeared. You had already left the house by the time I got there and you weren’t at school, either.”

“My sister made me go pick up some food from the convenience store,” he scowled, clearly still annoyed by this. “I told her I was waiting for you but she wouldn’t stop bitching about it. When I got back, she told me you had stopped by.”

Thinking about it, it did make sense. She’s never liked you, even when you were just his friend, claiming that you were a bad influence on him. When you started dating, she didn’t try to hide the fact that she thought you weren’t good enough for her baby brother. 

“When I got to school, Tsuji said you were looking for me then you left. I looked everywhere for you.” He cupped your face, brows punched with worry. “I thought… I thought something happened.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you, love,” you told him softly, resting your hand over his. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I did. Many times!”

“You did?” Your own brow furrowed in confusion as you reached for your phone only to realize it wasn’t there. You had forgotten it this morning in your excitement to get to Shibaman’s house. You offered him a sheepish, embarrassed smile. “I, uh… I forgot my phone.”

Shibaman scoffed in disbelief, lowering his head until his forehead met your shoulder. The tension was slowly leaving him now that you were safe and sound in front of him.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” you told him softly, running your fingers through his hair. “And on your birthday, too.”

He chuckled, arms encircling your waist so he could bring you closer, bringing his forehead down to meet yours. “You’re safe, that’s all I need.”

You couldn’t hold back your smile, pressing your lips to his. “Stay with me tonight?”

He hummed, claiming your lips again. “Of course.”

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Baby, wake up.” Shibaman pressed a kiss beneath your ear, arms wrapped protectively around your waist. 

“Five more minutes,” you mumbled tiredly, leaning into the warmth his body offered.

He chuckled, turning you over so you were on your back looking up at him. “You said that five minutes ago.”

“Did I?” Your brow furrowed. “That doesn’t sound like me.”

“I’m gonna stop by my place to grab something,” he told you softly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’ll meet you at school, okay?”

“Wait, I’ll go with you.” You forced yourself up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

“I’d rather keep you away from my sister,” he chuckled. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Be careful.”

“I will.” He put his finger beneath your chin, leaning down to press a soft, slow kiss to your lips. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” You watched as he left the room, listening to his footsteps fade before the front door opened and closed behind him. Despite wanting to go back to sleep, you forced yourself out of bed and got ready for the day.

It was much colder out today than it was yesterday, the sky covered by light grey clouds that made it seem more like the afternoon than early morning. You didn’t mind it, though. The cold was a welcome change from the warm weather of summer and spring, plus it gave you an excuse to steal more of your boyfriend’s jackets.

When you got to school, you were surprised to find the boys gathered in the courtyard, snickering and laughing. Curious, you made your way through the crowd, eyes widening at what you saw.

Shibaman was leaning against the building, arms folded over his chest and eyes closed. There was a slight furrow to his brow as he tried to ignore the teasing he was receiving. The reason for this teasing? He was wearing the sweater you had crocheted him.

It fit him perfectly, showing off his toned body while still being comfortable to wear. It was warm, too, easily blocking the cold wind. When you looked at the design, it felt childish to you and you felt guilty for not just making him a regular, solid sweater.

“Did you get that from your granny?” Teased one of the older boys before bursting out laughing, his friends following suit.

Shibaman opened his eyes, narrowing them at the male.

You swallowed down the nerves and embarrassment you felt, stepping forward. “I made it…”

“You did?” snorted the male. “No wonder it looks like trash -“

A fist slammed into his face, sending him flying back into the crowd with a cry. Shibaman straightened up, fire in his eyes. “Don’t you ever say that shit again or I’ll kill you.”

The crowd grew tense, their previous jolly demeanors changing to one of fear. It was easy to laugh at him and not take him seriously when he was wearing that sweater, but it didn’t change anything about how strong he was or how protective of you he was.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered, lowering your head. “I didn’t consider how Oya would react. You don’t have to wear it.”

He scoffed, resting his large hand atop your head. “Of course, I’m gonna wear it. You spent months working on this, didn’t you?”

You nodded, tugging lightly at the material. “It was my first time crocheting. Yuken did his best to teach me, but… it could have been better.”

Realization flashed across his face as he remembered seeing you at the café with said male. Everything made sense now and his heart was filled with warmth and love for you. “I love it.”

“Really?” You sent him a skeptical look. “You’re not just saying that?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you. If I didn’t like it, I’d be honest.” As badly as he wanted to kiss you, he couldn’t bring himself to do so with the crowd that was still gathered in the courtyard. PDA was not something he enjoyed. “I love this sweater and I love you.”

You searched his eyes for any hint of a lie but there was none. “You really like it?”

“I do. Thank you, baby.”

Your eyes lit up, happiness filling you. “You’re welcome!”

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

-> High&Low/Rampage Taglist: @kiraaaeon, @simpforchuchu, @star2fishmeg, @thatpoindexterpixy @manhwabtch

-> General Taglist: @asterhaze, @mrskenpachizaraki

[spopsalt]

An excuse vs a reason a "She-Ra the Princesses of Power" and "Rick and Morty" comparison"

I think I would like Catra a lot more if we got the reason why she did what she did, instead of the show just excusing everything, yes, Shadow Weaver's abuse of her was horrible, and I do feel bad for her when she was a kid, but you can't just use that to excuse all the horrible things she did. It doesn't help that Catra constantly shows that she doesn't feel like she has to take responsibility for her own actions, she literally says in one episode to Shadow Weaver "You made me like this and you want to be the good guy now?!" Yes, Shadow Weaver certainly played a role in Catra being who she is now, but in the end, Catra still has a choice, and her actions are hers and hers alone. But nope! Let's just excuse it all because of sad kitty cat who had a bad past!

A show that shows the reason well is "Rick and Morty" spoilers ahead for Rick and Morty, now the main character of the show "Rick Sanchez" is certainly a horrible, horrible person. There is no denying that, but I still like him, he is in fact, my favorite character. Due to him being legitimately funny and complex, his character is a ton of fun to analyze. And, what's better, they provide a reason for why he is how he is, but it's not an excuse. In the season 5 finale "Rickmurai Jack" we learn that his wife and child were brutally killed by Rick Prime in front of him due to him refusing to abandon them, and in the season 2 finale "Wedding Squanchers" Birdperson got shot when Rick showed kindness towards him with a heartwarming toast at his wedding. Whenever he shows kindness to people, it comes back to bite him. Now he's undeniably cruel to his grandson, Morty. He does genuinely love Morty, this is shown multiple times (Rick being kind to Morty and supporting him after someone attempted to assault Morty, and killing the person who attempted to assault him in "Meeseeks and Destroy", Rick sacrificing himself for Morty in "A Rickle in Time", Rick using his body to shield Morty from bullets in "Edge of Tomorty, Rick, Die, Rickpeat", etc.) but every time he's shown kindness to someone, it's come back to bite him in some way, which is the reason why he's so cruel to Morty, but it doesn't excuse it.

He is held accountable for his actions, for example, his relationship with Morty is slowly deteriorating. We see this when Morty attempted to shoot him (With a fake gun but Morty didn't know that) in "Rickshank Rickdemption" with no guilt, even saying "Who's stupid now bitch?!" after he thought that Rick died. He happily left him for dead with no guilt in "Edge of Tomorty, Rick, Die, Rickpeat" and even Morty's biggest fear being that Rick doesn't care about him in "Fear No Mort" He even pushes Rick away when Rick hugs him back in said episode, due to being terrified that he would still be in the hole if Rick did so.

That's not it, however, his best friend (And possible crush, he definitely did like him in the past) Birdperson started distancing himself from Rick when Rick chose not to tell him about his child, due to him being scared that Birdperson would be too busy child-rearing to hang out.

Rick also never blames anyone else for his actions, he never tries to say that Rick Prime is the reason why he's the horrible person he is now, he never tries to say that he isn't at fault for his actions, because, as stated above, his actions are his and his alone. We see him acknowledge that he is in control of his actions in season 4 episode 2 "The Old Man and The Seat" where holograms of himself tell him "Sit there all by yourself and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit." And we see this again in the season 4 finale "Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri" where solemnly states "Holy shit, I'm a terrible father."

We see the reason why he did it, so we are able to feel for him, but it doesn't excuse his behavior, which is part of why I love him so much, and why you should give the reason why a character does they do certain things and not an excuse.

[bettsfic]

“for so many years i had it in my head that if a process is harder, the result is better. it was that mentality that kept me in a job i hated for a long time. it's hard and i don't like it, therefore it's more serious and respectable. it was unconscionable to me to think that something fun and easy could result in something good.”

I do this^ and the fact that someone else could explain it and relate is so eye opening. I grew up with this mindset. Like I wasn’t smart or good enough unless I was struggling unless it was hard. If it was hard and I got something done, then I was a success. Never treated myself like it but that was my philosophy. If something was easy it was stupid and not worth doing. This causes a lot of issues.

I was wondering, if you’re comfortable. Can you talk more about this? And how you got out of this mindset? I’ve noticed that even in my writing I do this and not just in the work aspects of my life.

i think it comes from a place of learned hatred. in the same way learned helplessness develops when a person spends a significant amount of time in an environment where they have no control of or agency over anything, learned hatred is growing up in an environment where you are simply not allowed to exist as you are and you must change or adapt in order to survive.

when you're in a place where you're constantly made aware of your weaknesses and focus only on how to strengthen them, your awareness of your strengths (and the strengths themselves) atrophy. i think all the time about how in a different environment, at 18 it would have been so evident to me that i wanted to be a teacher. and i would have gone to college for teaching and then gotten a job teaching elementary school english or maybe even kindergarten. like if just one person said, "hey you've got real Bob Ross vibes" maybe my life would be completely different. but no, i had it in my head that obviously everyone wanted to become an elementary school teacher, so i couldn't be one, i had to do something no one wants to do, and i became a banker.

i took an IQ test last year, and i know IQ is bullshit, but i tested into like the 99th percentile of verbal intelligence. that's intelligence i've always had but didn't do anything with until i was 24, and because i didn't foster it by allowing myself creativity or really any self expression, my writing skills when i started writing were, well, bad. when i look at my earliest work from about 9 years ago, i can see that i was writing below the level i currently teach. at 24. with a bachelor's degree, having graduated magna cum laude. maybe i'm being hard on myself, but my point is that i was no prodigy. i could've been a gifted kid but i wasn't. i was too busy being dragged onto a baseball field to work on my terrible hand-eye coordination. i entered adulthood believing my work in this world was to deprive myself of happiness and pride myself in misery.

the attitude that changed my perspective was refusal. i refuse to suffer. that means i do everything in my means to alleviate any pain i experience--mentally, emotionally, and physically. and by "pain" i don't mean sadness, because allowing yourself to feel sadness when sadness is due is healthy, but things like abject dread, hating the idea of waking up every morning, things that can destroy you if you hold onto them for long enough. you have to let them go. you can't be complacent to your own pain anymore. when you get a headache, you take ibuprofen. when you come back up from a bad bout of depression, you drag your ass to the doctor to get meds and maybe therapy so it doesn't happen again. when you want something, you give it to yourself.

it's hard. it's hard because there's a benefit in bringing up your weaknesses. i pitched a perfect game in softball when i was a teenager. i'm more coordinated than i would have been if my dad hadn't forced me into every possible sport. working at a bank taught me much needed professionalism and organizational skills, and gave me stability during a time the economy wasn't stable at all. but on focusing on those things, i neglected to foster the stuff about me that was already pretty good.

you can strengthen your weaknesses, but you can also strengthen your strengths. your weaknesses do not have to be dragged up to the same level as your strengths. i made an okay banker. i was a pretty good pitcher. but i'm a great teacher. it took me years to learn finance and softball, but it took me one semester to get my bearings in front of a classroom. i'm a patient and nonjudgmental person. i love learning and so by definition i love explaining. i have a natural "yes, and" disposition. i respect everyone and take their work in this world seriously. i come from a long line of teachers. and yet somehow, despite all this, i had no fucking clue i was a teacher.

i love writing, but i'm not talented, not in the way i've seen talent in some of my students. having a high verbal intelligence only speeds up the skill leveling. and so writing is a side effect. writing is the subject i know well enough to teach at a university or masterclass level. writing allows me to process my own emotions and express myself creatively. writing feels good and it's fun. but teaching is my work.

who you are is okay to be. without trying, without any effort at all, there's something you're already great at. so keep your weaknesses weak and strengthen your strengths. refuse suffering. seek joy.

[yeowangies]

Blood Stains

CHAPTER XI: In spite of big fears

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Teen and up CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Canon typical violence, Blood. WORDCOUNT: 5581

Summary:

“I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.”

Notes:

After a million years (it's only been like four months) I finally finished this chapter!

It took me so long to be satisfied with it, I wrote, erased, rewrote, moved around, erased and rewrote again so many times.

This is heavy on dialogue, obviously since a lot of issues have to be resolved!

Next chapter is gonna be an epilogue! I already have in mind what I want to write for it, but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'm all ears!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

Getting to Kame House never seemed like such a long trip until that very moment. It was a long way there, but whether you like it or not, you have a lot to think about. 

Raditz has kissed you repeatedly for no reason. Or well, for reasons that might have been obvious, but you don’t want to conclude anything, especially when you don’t know what he’s planning to do once the Saiyans get here. 

Bulma greets you as soon as you get to Kame House while you save your hover car inside a capsule. 

“Hey!” You smile at her, and she quickly grabs your arm and tugs you the farthest away from the house. “What are you doing?”

“Listen, I didn’t wanna say anything because I was waiting for you to tell me,” Bulma whispers, just in case someone might listen. “But you never did. I saw the security cameras the day Raditz destroyed my lab.”

“Okay…?”

“Do you really don’t know what I’m talking about?”

You frown, confused. The day Raditz destroyed her lab, what else happened that day?

You remember instantly, and immediately Bulma notices the change in your expression. 

“You kissed him! And didn’t tell me!” She practically yells, and you wince when she raises her voice. “Has he been with you all this time?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well? Aren’t you gonna tell me?”

“We weren’t… I thought it was better to keep it a secret. I didn’t think you’d see that…” Very stupid thinking, or lack of thinking on your part, you realize. Of course she was going to check the security cameras. 

“So? I’m sure it wasn’t just that one time. No wonder you didn’t visit me as often.”

You smiled despite yourself. You weren’t ready for that kind of conversation, but what was the point of still keeping it a secret then? Of course you don’t want to tell everyone just yet. But Bulma already knew.

“We… spent some time together after that, but it was on and off.”

“‘Spent some time’? Did you sleep with him?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t sound too happy about it…”

You run a hand down your face, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment before speaking again. 

“Raditz stayed at my apartment for a few days, but… he left for God knows where, and came back every once in a while. Technically, we spent less than a month together, I guess.”

“Okay…” Bulma is smart, obviously, and you know she’s seeing right through you at the moment. “You don’t know what he’s gonna do today, do you?”

“No, we avoided the topic, most of the time. It was kind of what we agreed on.”

“How do you feel, then?”

“I honestly have no idea. I didn’t think I would feel like this… Raditz is either going to leave this planet… or he’s going to die, and both options break my heart.” Your voice wavers at the end, and you lower your gaze, trying to hold in your tears. 

“I’m sorry, I thought…” Bulma runs a hand up and down your back. 

“I know…”

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen, so calm down, ok? Goku is gonna get here soon.” Bulma reassures you, patting your head. 

You nod, at a loss of words. 

Verbalizing what you were afraid of doesn’t make you feel better at all, and now you're more on the verge of tears than before. You know that Raditz likes being with you, even when he hasn’t said it, but you doubt that would change anything. His over 30 years of existence can’t be compared to whatever relationship he’s been having with you for less than a year. 

It’s ironic how certain you feel about that conclusion when you know those days you spent with Raditz had inevitably changed your life. You can feel it in your bones, no matter the outcome of this day, you’ll be spending the rest of your life getting over him.

Everything is a blur the whole time you’re at Kame House, and you wonder if it would be better or worse if you could actually see what the hell is happening. You even wonder if you could actually sleep this day off, and wake up when it’s all over.

Hours later, you drag your feet to hop on the aircraft to get where the battle has taken place as anxiety eats your insides, and you try to tone out everyone’s voice (and you really understand Chichi’s desperation to get there as quickly as possible, but she was being really loud and that just puts you more on edge). Getting off the aircraft is easier after Chichi practically throws herself out there to look for Gohan once they land. You follow suit, landing your eyes on Goku, completely beat up and bleeding, but conscious. A little relieved, you look at Krillin briefly, noticing that he’s in a slightly better shape, before glancing around, trying to find Raditz. If he’s there at all.  

Krillin notices your trepidation, and calls your name, making you look at him. 

“That other Saiyan, Raditz, he helped us…” He smiles at you, before pointing towards his side. “He’s over there, alive but barely…”

Before you even know it, you run towards the place Krillin pointed to, and immediately spot him.

“Raditz!”

He’s looking at you through hooded lids, perplexed, when you kneel beside him. Your heart beats inhumanely fast as you eye him up and down, horrified to see him completely covered in blood and bruises, but absolutely glad he’s alive. 

“You told me you wouldn’t come here…” Raditz grumbles with a hoarse voice as you lean over him.

“I guess I lied.” 

Blood is flowing from many different places all over his body that you can’t even see where the wounds are, he might as well be bleeding from every pore. Sliding one hand down his cheek and into his scalp, your vision gets blurry when you feel hot thick liquid running through your fingers. 

How many nights did you spend with your hands up in his hair? Seeing them now soaked in his blood as you thread them through his hair only fills you with panic.

“Why are you crying?” Raditz asks, looking at you curiously. You didn’t even notice that you were until he said it, feeling your face completely drenched.

“Why am I crying?” You hiccup, smiling sourly at the ironic question. “Have you seen yourself?”

“I’ve gotten out of worse situations…” He smirks, coughing up blood before going on. “This is nothing.”

“Have you?” 

You try to comfort him with your touch, keeping your hands in his hair and softly caressing his scalp, no matter that you’re getting covered in his blood in the process. Your eyes scan over his body once more, though you’re not sure why, before landing your gaze back on his. You stare at him with so many emotions bubbling up in your chest at once, and you know he must be seeing them all, even through all your tears. 

“You’ve been keeping secrets from me.” Raditz utters, his gaze fixed on yours. You snort, amused that he can see right through you. 

“And you? What did you do? Why did you…?”

You trail off when a shaky hand slides up your cheek, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. 

It’s a simple gesture that fills your entire chest with a certain kind of warmness that you would have never expected, not in that moment. Especially because of Raditz. 

Maybe you both have been too naive.

Leaning down with your hands cupping his face, you kiss him sweetly, trying to convey how relieved and happy you are that he’s alive. Raditz returns it, skimming his hand into your hair to keep you close.

“I’m getting blood all over you…” He murmurs against your lips. 

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll stain you…” His hand in your hair drops.

“Then you’ll stain me.”

You kiss him briefly again before pulling away, just as you hear Bulma crying some feet away. You turn in her direction, confused. 

Why is she crying? You know some of the guys have passed, but you can still use the Dragon Balls. If Yamcha has died, they can still bring him back. 

But only if Piccolo is still alive…

“Did all our friends… Did they die?” You ask Raditz quietly, when you realize what the situation might be.

He only looks at you and nods meekly, and you couldn’t help your tears as they flow out of your eyes once more. 

“I’m sorry.” Raditz mutters softly, to your surprise.

“You’re sorry?” You ask, flabbergasted. He snorts with a smirk, entertained by your reaction. You sigh, showing him a small smile. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Raditz stares at you with soft eyes for a few seconds before he closes them, and you panic once he passes out.

*

There’s too much light in the room when Raditz wakes up, to the point where he thinks that place must be heaven, because everything in the room is just white and light blue, and the bed he’s on is soft and warm. 

That is until he feels a sharp pain all over his body.

Groaning, Raditz tries to move all his limbs and fingers, but only ends up making the pain much worse. He notices his entire body is bandaged, and his right arm is wrapped in a cast. The room he’s in reminds him a lot more of the room he used to stay when he got injured after his fight with Goku and Piccolo, but he knows it’s not the same place. 

He attempts several times to actually get up to find out where the hell is that place until you walk into the room.

“You’re finally awake!” You smile, before scowling at him. “Are you trying to get up?”

Raditz tries to ignore the way his heart beats enthusiastically in his chest when he sees you. It’s going to take a while to get used to that, for better or for worse. 

“I want to know where the fuck I am.” He retorts with no real contempt. 

“Again with that attitude.” You sigh, rolling your eyes. “If I recall, last time I had to trick you into saying ‘please’.”

“You’re a manipulative woman.” Raditz smirks when you walk over, sitting on his bed. 

“Excuse me?”

Your arched eyebrow and your eyes wide open amuse him to no end, making you roll your eyes when he chuckles. 

“Are you going to tell me where I am?”

“In a hospital, dufus, I’m not trying to trick you this time.”

“A hospital?” Raditz asks, confused. 

“It’s where sick people get treated.”

“I know what a hospital is. Why didn’t you bring me here the first time?”

“You were a menace to society then.” 

“And you think I’m not anymore?” It’s his turn to quirk an eyebrow. 

You show him a knowing smile, before looking down at him. 

Raditz knows he’s not as dangerous as you thought he was back then. Though you were never even afraid of him to begin with. He’s fine with that. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Raditz winces when he tries to move again. His body hurts from the beating he took from Vegeta, but he’s also somehow exhausted from laying down. 

“I figured.” You smile, putting your hand on his shoulder. “Try not to move too much.”

“I can’t even if I want to, can I?”

“Well you blasted a hole in the wall last time you tried to leave while you were injured, remember?”

Raditz laughed quietly, before groaning in pain. Fuck, he’s in terrible shape. 

“You have a few ribs broken.” You explain, looking out the window by the bed. “And you lost a lot of blood. The doctors were a bit shocked when they tried to do a transfusion and I told them you might not have a blood type like we do. They probably passed out when they found out I was telling the truth.”

He only understood what you were saying partially. Blood type? Humans don’t have the same kind of blood? He lets it go, not really caring enough to ask you about it. 

“What happened to Kakarot?” Raditz asks, keeping his eyes on you when you turn to face him.

“He’s ok. He has as many broken bones as you do, but he’s been conscious for days now. He didn’t lose as much blood as you did, so he’s slightly better. It’s gonna take like four months for you to heal, so take it easy, okay?”

“Four months?!”

Raditz groans exasperatedly and throws his head against the pillow, grunting in pain when he feels a sharp pain up his spine. Fuck this place. He misses the technology in Frieza’s army. 

“I told you not to move too much.” You try to contain your smile. 

He glares at you. It’s not like he’s going to leave. He doesn’t even want to, but taking so long to heal is going to be a pain in the ass. 

“Don’t worry, you probably won’t take so long to get better.” You grin reassuringly. “They’re not ready yet, but we have some magic beans here that will heal you in no time.”

“Magic beans?”

“Yeah, you get instantly better when you eat them.”

Raditz’ eyebrow twitches instantly. 

“And why didn’t you get me one of those when I was on the verge of dying a year ago?”

“You were the enemy, I couldn’t! I didn’t know what you were gonna do!”

“What other things have you been keeping from me?” He looks at you with curiosity. 

He doesn’t resent you for not telling him about things you thought were important; he does feel a little stupid for not realizing the amount of information you actually had, though it never would have occurred to him that something like ‘magic beans’ existed. 

“Well, I don’t know… I wasn’t doing it on purpose.” When he raises one brow, you roll your eyes. “Okay, maybe I was hiding some things on purpose, but what about you, mister?”

“What about me?”

“You were obviously not telling me anything.”

“About what?”

“Anything, everything! Like, what did you even do when you weren’t at my place?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Raditz smiles, amused. That time you got upset when he mentioned he slept with another woman came to mind, and while he obviously hasn’t slept with anyone else since then, he felt the need to reassure you. “I didn’t fucked anyone else.”

“That’s not what I meant!” You blushed slightly, shaking your head. 

He tries to move his arms, or at least one arm, to pull you down and kiss you, but he only ends up grunting, feeling a pungent pain through his muscles. Your blush fades quickly and you snicker at the sight, earning a playful glare from him. 

“I told you not to move.” You quip.

“It was just that one time that I had sex with someone else.” Raditz says without provocation. 

“We already talked about this, you don’t have to explain-”

“You brought it up.”

“I didn’t!”

“I didn’t even sleep with her.”

“What?” You frown, not following. 

“We just had sex.”

“…What do you mean?” You frown deeper as you raise your voice. “Do not give me details, or I swear to God.”

“It’s exactly like I said.” Raditz huffs, trying not to smile at your reaction. “We just had sex.”

“In the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened afterwards?”

“Nothing. I finished and left her there.”

Raditz frowns when he sees the expression on your face transforming into what can only be anger, but he doesn’t know why you’re mad this time.

“You left her there? Just like that? Raditz!” You yell, making him jolt instantly, pain pulsing through his muscles.

“What was I supposed to do?” He asks, confused. 

“Not throw her away like a used ragdoll! This angers me more than you sleeping with her to begin with!”

“Wh-What?!” His body is in pain from tensing up after your outburst, but Raditz is just perplexed. What should he have done then?

“You’re not supposed to treat women like that!”

“What are you talking about?” Raditz asks loudly. “I’m not going to fuck anyone else, so why are you even telling me this?!”

Your expression softens considerably, and it takes him a few seconds to realize that reassuring you of the fact that he only is interested in you is what you need. When your cheeks flush faintly, he smirks triumphantly. 

“Okay…” You smile softly, and Raditz isn’t prepared for the warmth he feels in his chest. At least he’s in the hospital if it ends up being a disease or something. “Was that something you were hiding too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said to let you know when our arrangement would be over… But now, it sounds like you don’t want it to end.”

“I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”

“Oh…”

“No.” Raditz says as soon as he notices the sad gleam in your eyes. “I wasn’t thinking because… I was enjoying our time together. And I was sure I could stop seeing you at any moment. I was being an idiot.”

“Maybe we both were.” Your smile is on your face again, though he still sees a little sorrow in it. “I thought we could keep it simple, you know? We really should have talked in depth about this.” 

“Because the last time we talked about ‘our feelings’ it ended so well.” He jests, rolling his eyes. 

“Come on!” You nudge his side with your hand gently, making him grin. “All the more reason to talk, don’t you think? We have been keeping a lot of things from each other.”

“You more than anyone.” Raditz remarks with playful annoyance. 

“Honestly, baby, who’s counting?” You return his playful smile, and he knows whatever might have happened between the two of you isn’t a threat to the relationship you had. Whatever that relationship is. 

He’s been wanting to kiss you since you walked into the room, but he doesn’t have the ability to move any limbs at the moment and it never frustrated him so much to be immobilized. With a brief second of looking into each other’s eyes, you seemingly read his mind, though, and shifted on the bed to lean down and kiss him. 

Does that warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you come with telepathic powers? 

You sweetly press your lips to his, softly moving them, and Raditz feels like it’s been ages since he had a taste of you. He wants more, so much more than just a simple peck on the lips, but there’s nothing he can do once you pull away, cupping his face in your hands and leaning your forehead over his. 

“Raditz…”

He notices the shift in your tone as you speak.

Raditz still doesn’t fully grasp how many emotions humans even have (apparently Saiyans are capable of them, but he’s been exposed to anger, hatred and violence all his life that he doesn’t recognize them when he feels differently). You seem sad, maybe it was because your friends have died. 

He recalled the moment when he was laying on the dirt after Vegeta took off, and you were looking down at him, eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know how, but he perfectly recognized the gleam in them then. 

Affection. It was even dripping from your tears as you cried, like you couldn’t contain them. You are wearing a similar gleam just now, as you look at him carefully. 

“I don’t know what I would have done…” You whisper, so quiet for only Raditz to hear. “If you had…”

You trail off, leaving the words hanging in the air. The emotion in your voice, he understands that too; fear, embarrassment and nervousness. 

“Hopefully use those Dragon Balls.” Raditz replies wittily, making you snort. 

“If Piccolo died, then…” Your voice is still somber, even with the soft look you’re giving him. “We can’t use the Dragon Balls…”

“Those things have too many rules to function.” He frowns, perplexed. “Was that another thing you forgot to mention about them?”

“Well actually, I did forget. I wasn’t thinking about that detail.” 

“So you can’t bring back any of your friends.”

“No, but we have a plan.” You smile widely, pulling away from him as you sit back. 

“A plan?”

Raditz listens to you carefully as you explain that Bulma, Krillin and Gohan are set to go to Namek in just a couple of days, to find the Dragon Balls that supposedly exist on that planet. He sweats slightly while you speak; the planet Namek is a peaceful place, without any significant threat. But he knows that Frieza sometimes liked to listen in on the conversation his soldiers have through the scooters. There’s a chance he might know about the Dragon Balls and Namek if he heard Vegeta talking about it.

“You’re not going to go, are you?” He asks first and foremost. He’s in no condition to go himself, but if you decide to go then he would have no other choice. 

“Of course not, I wouldn’t be of any help.” You snort, amused. 

Raditz lets out a sigh he didn’t know was holding in. 

“Namek is not a dangerous planet, its inhabitants are peaceful and weak. There shouldn’t be any problem…” 

“But?” You ask, noticing the uncomfortable look on his face.

“Saiyans are not the strongest race. I was lying about that.” Raditz states, looking into your eyes. “Tell your friends to be careful. Vegeta might show up looking for those things too.”

“I’ll tell them to be alert.” You nod, completely serious. He’s satisfied with your answer so he doesn’t talk about the matter anymore. 

He has nothing to worry about if you’re not going on that trip, and he can’t wait to heal so he can actually grab you and press you closer. Apparently whatever emotion is coursing through his veins made him completely attached to you. It’s a literal pain not being able to pull you down for a kiss. 

Your eyes are on him with a warm look on them, and the more you stare, the more he feels like something is bubbling up inside him. 

“Sit on my face.” Raditz says out of the blue. He watches with amusement as your face goes from surprise to confusion to embarrassment in less than a second. 

“What?”

“Sit on my face.” He repeats, smirk growing wider when he notices the faint blush on your cheeks. “I can’t do much in this situation, but I know damn well what I’m good at.”

Raditz licks his lips in anticipation, looking at you with a lecherous glimmer that only makes you blush harder. It’s still fun to tease you that way, but he’s truly desperate to taste you again after so long. After all, he was in a coma for days. 

“I’m not doing that.” You glare playfully, crushing his dreams. “This is a hospital, and I don’t know if you noticed but you’re bedridden until further notice.”

“I can still move my tongue and that should be enough.”

When you laugh, it’s like music to his ears, and even then he couldn’t help but grin. 

“Not this time, handsome. I’ll sit on your face all you want some other time.”

Raditz grunts, annoyed, but he’s rewarded with a kiss on his lips.

It’s the kiss he’s been wanting since you walked in there, or maybe even long before that. Sliding your tongues together, gliding your lips slowly and sensually, and he hates that he can’t even cup your face or wrap his arms around you. You sneak one hand into his hair, caressing his scalp, and a low purr rumbles from his chest. 

He’s really fucked. 

You break the kiss sooner than Raditz expects when the door suddenly opens. 

“Who are you?” Raditz asks with contempt when a man dressed in white walks in. 

“I’m your doctor.” The man answers with a stern tone, glaring at the both of you. “And this isn’t a hotel.”

“Sorry, doc, I was just happy he was awake.” You reply naturally. 

“You’re his wife, right?”

“She’s my mate.” Raditz replies before you can even open your mouth.

He hasn’t thought it through when those words escaped his lips, but you’re looking at him with a wide smile so he doesn’t regret it at all.

The doctor looks at the both of you with confusion so you speak, still smiling and looking at Raditz with affection in your eyes. 

“I’m his girlfriend.”

*

You recall everything that happened in the past year as you walk to the room Goku was staying at. 

Raditz’s heel-face turn was surprising; you didn’t expect him to be influenced by anything, especially you. If anything, you were ready for the most gruesome outcome after Goku arrived. No one told you exactly what happened during the battle, but you don’t really need to know more; Krillin had said that Raditz helped and that was more than enough for you.

As you approach the room, you see Chichi coming out alone. 

Maybe it was time to apologize to her. Bulma wasn’t wrong months ago when she said you also didn’t try to reach out after Goku died and Gohan was taken, and while you weren’t the only one responsible, you were still involved.  

“Chichi.” You call for her and the moment she looks at you, her expression hardens. “Chichi, I’m sorry.”

“For what, exactly?” She only gives you a moment to open your mouth but doesn’t let you speak. “For not telling me that my husband had died? For saving the monster that killed him? For letting my son be kidnapped?”

“Um, all that, but if you would hear me out-”

“I don’t need to, I already know everything. And this is not the place to talk about this.” Chichi coldly cut you off before you could add anything else, walking right past you. “Goodnight.”

Your shoulders droop as you watch her leave, sighing loudly. Maybe eventually, she’ll listen.

Knocking on Goku’s door before stepping in, you smile at the sight of him, still amused that he looks like a mummy, trapped in a sarcophagus. He returns the smile, calling your name as you take the seat next to him. 

“You still look so funny.” You comment, giggling like a little girl.

“It’s not as fun as it looks like.” Goku replies, pouting. He seems like a child at that moment as well, and it warms your heart.

It would be the first time you actually talk to him, one on one, since he died. And even before that, it was years ago. You haven’t realized how much you missed him until now. 

“I’m still happy you’re okay.” You smile gently. Goku blinks before returning the gesture. 

“I heard you’re the reason Raditz helped us during the fight.”

“You heard?” 

“Okay, I kinda saw it.” Goku admits with a knowing grin.

“That sounds even weirder.” You laugh, but he only shrugs, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“When Vegeta threatened to destroy this planet, the look on Raditz’s face kinda spoke for itself.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no mind reader, but he looked scared. And he jumped back on the battle and took our side and helped us in the blink of an eye.” He waits for your reaction, but your blank expression prompts him to go on. “I figured you might have something to do with his change of heart?”

“Why do you think that?” 

“I saw you kissing. I wasn’t unconscious, you know?” 

“Oh…” You blush slightly, but the smile on your face only gets wider, just like Goku’s grin does. 

“So, you two are together, huh?”

“We are. Sometimes this still feels surreal.”

“What do you mean?” Goku asks, confused. 

“That Raditz chose to stay. I thought he might end up leaving this planet, or that he’d die. I’m so happy that wasn’t the case.”

Goku looks at you with soft eyes. He might not be the brightest of the bunch, or at least that’s what everyone thinks about him, but he understands people’s feelings more than anyone else, and at that moment, he’s looking at you like he knows all the fear and trepidation you had been going through the past twelve months. 

“But he stayed.” He says, reassuringly. 

“Yeah, and I’m so grateful.”

“Do you love him?” Goku asks, to your own surprise. That softness is still in his eyes, and you can’t help the warmth that spreads through your chest when you answer his question. 

“I do. I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.” 

Your face is hot, not because you’re embarrassed, but you assume the way your heart is currently beating has something to do with it. Confessing out loud that, in spite of deep fears, you were unequivocally in love with Raditz made your blood run faster. Goku is grinning, completely pleased with your answer, and amused that you’re blushing. 

“I guess he’s staying on Earth, then.”

“I suppose so.”

“Chichi aint gonna be happy about it.” Goku chuckles, but you only smile for a second. 

“About that, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to her…” You say, this time truly ashamed. 

“Whaddaya mean?”

“About what happened when you died…” 

You are not sure how much Goku knows about the situation, but you know you have to apologize for almost all of it. Not talking to Chichi in time, letting his son be kidnapped (even when there wasn’t much any of you could do). You had been too wrapped in your own bubble to think about it but in retrospect, you feel terrible. 

“Chichi only found out about your death and Gohan’s kidnapping over 24 hours after it happened. I’m sorry.”

Goku blinks, and you wonder if he even knows what you’re talking about. His subsequent smile is your answer.

“You’re the first one who apologized about it.”

“Really?” You ask, taken aback. 

“Krillin kinda did but not really. He only said sorry because he was scared of Chichi.”

You facepalm, in disbelief his best friend would be so vague and kind of a dick when talking about Goku’s wife. 

“I assume Bulma did not even mention it?” You ask, ready to be annoyed. 

“She didn’t, she sounded more mad about Chichi than anything else? I didn’t get it.”

You roll your eyes. Bulma is resentful for a woman who has everything and anything she wants at the reach of her hand.

“She was mad that I didn't invite her to the wedding.” Goku adds.

“I know.” You sigh, exasperated. 

“Why? Back then, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“You think it is now?”

“Well…” Goku fixed his eyes on the ceiling, thinking for a second before answering. “I didn’t really know what the big deal about marriage was. I never even went to a wedding! When Chichi asked me if I wanted to invite you guys, I said no because we only saw each other for training and adventures and stuff.”

That reasoning sounds so much like him that you didn’t have it in you to be even a little mad. Of course, you were never too upset about it as Bulma was. 

“Bulma is still a little childish.” You comment, but Goku only shrugs. 

“I didn’t think she’d be mad about it. I guess I could have invited you all for the wedding, since it was a big deal after all. I wouldn’t have gotten to know Chichi, and Gohan wouldn’t even exist.”

So Goku loves Chichi. 

It should have been obvious. The way he talked about her, as Goku-like as that was, and the way you noticed how he looked at her. They only married because of a promise they made as kids, you wouldn’t have expected them to actually get to know each other and fall in love. You should’ve known.

“Goku, I can’t say I wasn’t childish back then,” You start, and he turns to look at you with quizzical eyes. “But it’s been a while, and honestly it’s cute you found someone you decided to spend the rest of your life with, even if it was just a promise. I know you love her after all these years.”

“I do.” Goku grins. “She’s great! She’s patient with me about a lot of things I don’t get, and she’s real sweet. She’s cute when she gets mad, too.”

You chuckle. Is it a Saiyan thing to like women with a little attitude?

“Hopefully she’ll warm up to me. We’re family after all, now.”

“We are?” Goku questions, brows furrowed. 

“Well yeah. I’m dating your brother, we’re in laws now.”

“Huh.” He thinks about it for a second before smiling. “That sounds fun. Maybe Raditz won’t be so bad, either.”

“Give him a chance. You did say he helped save the Earth and all.”

“It’d be cool to spar with him! I know I can beat him!”

You smile, excited to see how this new period of your life will be like. 

[withacapitalp]

Hi Liam! I don't feel like doing work so close to the holidays, so please enjoy this half-baked thought I wasted 10 minutes finding a gif for.

So many fics have Eddie wearing Steve's Yellow Sweater™, yet nothing with dressing him up like S1 Assistant Youth Pastor Steve. Please use the space below for a prompt or a rant or anything else you fancy ...

Oh no you don't even know what you've done here. Okay costuming is one of my all time favorite things, so I'm going to talk too much about subtle stuff (fair warning this is just me having fun so if it's at all inaccurate or not true, well I'm just a guy who likes a show too much LMAO)

Okay so let's start with season one. Steve dresses exactly liek you said like an assistant youth pastor lmao but it's also just like very showing of who he's trying to be there

First of all his hair is way more stylized in this season than any other. We talk about Steve's hair so much, but here in this season it's so obvious that he's trying to be someone specific instead of just who he is. He's also always wearing a collared shirt and a very dark jacket, and the costumers have said that they use darker colors for darker moments/feelings, so he's wearing this exact jacket when he destroys Jonathan's camera AND when he and Jonathan have their fight

Really the first time we see him without his collar or his dark feelings jacket is when he goes to save Nancy and Jonathan

He's laying himself more bare and he's let go of the chain jerking him around (his terrible friends and their opinions.

Okay so season two is also really interesting one because Steve's hair is parted the other way now (literally changing sides), but specifically because of Steve's jacket. Yes I know I talked about the jacket being a signifier of Steve's darkness before, but in this season it's different

This is right after the bathroom conversation between him and Nancy. This is him trying to convince her to stay with him, and feeling rejected, and not understanding how he can fix something he didn't even realize was broken. His jacket is zippered up

But when he's walking with Dustin, it's back to being open. Okay I can hear you saying to yourself 'Liam this is a wild leap to take' except is it??? Bc it isn't and I can tell you why

HIS JACKET IS ZIPPED UP WHEN THEY START THIS WALK. But as they keep walking he opens up to Dustin and the kids. His jacket stays open for the rest of the season, even when it's the middle of the night and probably way colder and it would make a lot more sense for him to zip up his jacket? Is this actually a thing that matters? No probably not to anyone else but I like symbolism and I search it out like a little squirrel looking for nuts to store for winter

Also here is where I mention something important. Steve is a social chameleon. He's learned/was taught that the best way to get people to like him is to be like them. That's why he was so easily ranked in with the popular kids, even when it's clear that he didn't really like it all that much given how fast he flips. He also dresses a lot like Tommy in S1, and then in S2 we see him start to develop his own style once he's broken up with Nancy. But even in developing that own style, he's still a social chameleon. He's still going to try and look like the people he wants to have in his circle

Which brings me to the very first sweater we ever see Steve in

LOOK AT THAT COLOR AND LOOK AT THE COLOR OF DUSTINS HOODIE ABOVE Same exact color!!! Now I'm not saying this is anyyyyything conscious. Steve isn't looking at his closet and being like yes I will choose this because Dustin wore this color and I know he likes it, but I am saying we have literally never seen Steve in any shade of red before this moment.

Now season three. I know he was in his Scoops Ahoy Uniform for most of it (thank the gods for those shorts) so I'm not gonna talk too much about that but I am going to talk about that last final outfit as another example of chameleon Steve

This is actually a two fold example of Chameleon Steve. First of all he's dressed pretty much just like Marty McFly the character from Back to the Future which is the movie he and Robin ran into after the Russians. Second of all he's matching her too. Dark blue, Dark blue, White accents, White Accents. Just like Dustin he chooses colors that are similar to the people he likes. We're also once again seeing him start to open up color wise (first time we see him in yellow).

Now Season four. Well Season four we see him getting stripped bare (quite literally) for a good portion of the season. Obviously we have the battle vest and I love that, but I want to talk about Steve's jacket again and one particular outfit that I think sums up growth for Steve in a lot of ways while also showing some other stuff

His Dear Billy outfit.

This outfit is incredibly similar to the one he wore back in s2 when he first protected all of the kids. Light grey outer jacket, inside darker shirt, but he's wearing a collar again. TLDR he's back to trying to button up, back to something familiar that will 'keep him safe', but also a jacket and a color that he would associate with 'protecting the kids'

Anyway that was a very very long talk, but Steve's progression of outfits and the way he dresses himself is very interesting to me, and like I said if there's even a hint of symbolism I'm there

[mysterybooks-world]

Hello guys

I have another one of the reincarnated storys

it's from the Hazbin Hotel series

warning: To watch the series, you must be of age 18 or above

but there is a twist.

y/n reborn as Alastor's father

I've seen many fan art & comic dubs & animatic about Alastor's father being a terrible person.

But some others make him such a good father in the aus.

I read this about Alastor's mother

But not much information about his father

Just this information: Around the late 1800s, she became involved with a Caucasian man and would go on to have a son who became known as Alastor. Shortly after Alastor's birth, her partner abandoned both her and Alastor to avoid possible persecution for being involved with a woman of Creole descent, leaving her to raise Alastor on her own.

So listen

y/n is big fan of (hazbin hotel)&(helluvaboss)

y/n 've read or Watch everything about them Such as theories & fan stories & they songs & y/n even read the comic Origin of hazbin hotel

you can say y/n they are a nerd

One day, y/n are now dead Then you became Alastor's dad

When y/n died they woke up they found themselves In another body,

At first they understand what is happening And when they looked in a mirror It was a reflection of a young man.

y/n when they touch the mirror Suddenly images of memories the owner if this body

(Important note: I couldn't find Alastor's father's name So choose a name for him. else I found on that Alastor fall name is Alastor Hartfelt)

So your name :(Oliver Hartfelt)

y/n they jaw dropped Out of shock. Then y/n took a deep breath Until they nerves calm they down And you understand the situation.

y/n: Okay, I'm in a stranger's body and his name is Oliver Hartfelt

mmm Why the name of Hartfelt sound Familiar

What kind of world am I in.

Usually When I read about This is a kind of storys I may be in a novel or game.

Is there any kind of guide or user guide

They were answered by A blue screen in front of them

and there is Info about me

y/n: Well, this is useful and I have read the writin.

and here my second time my jaw dropped From what they read

y/n:Okay, The bright side I'm in a world of hazbin hotel

OMG I do not believe this. This is like a dream come true But there is one problem

I AM THE FATHER OF AlASTOR

What a disaster

I know very well from the fandom that Alastor did not mention anything about his father

Because he was a bad person and There is also a theory that Alastor kill him

Of all the characters why me. No need to panic

As it seems Oliver have not met Alastor's mother

Then the screen changed Written on a screen say

I must get married to Alastor's mother and of If I fails to do it, then Alastor will no longer exist in the world

y/n panic again: WHAT.

Get a hold of yourself, y/n. You can do it

Although if I fails, I will destroy the future

without Alastor Things will change for the worse.

TO Make it a short

Oliver Try to win a Alastor's mother heart And there was a lot of drama

But in the end they succeeded Marry to her.

Oliver thinking about a work career to Radio host Because they knows that Alastor was a radio star host When he was alive

So you make things easier for Alastor when he grows up

This is exactly what happened

Oliver have a radio station building And Oliver became famous And learn some information about radio and he buy books about radio information or how to repair the radio for Alastor when he grows up

And when Alastor was born, He didn't realize he was crying tears of joy When he was holding Alastor in his hands And in is mind Curse The owner of the body, he knew, he would leave them in this part

But he is not him, he is someone else So he will care his family

Oliver skill set level up When he learns a new skill

Oliver hobbies

1-Playing musical instruments. 2-Hunting gun 3-Taking pictures of Alastor. (Oliver has a whole collection of books about pictures of Alastor and the stages of his life) 4-drawing 5-Making handmade things such as

Alastor is amazed at the things dad creates.

Alastor When he was young thinks his father was Kind of is a magician.

when Alastor grows up he became a Radu star like his father

And when Alastor began his career in notorious and elusive serial killer in secret After his mother died from an illness

There was a detective who caught Alastor while he was hiding the body

But suddenly Someone stabbed him behind the back in the heart

And this person is Oliver is dad

Alastor stood shocked While his father carries the investigator's body

Oliver: son Don't stand like this, quickly, let's hide the bodies

And after they returned home

The next day

Alastor asked his father How long did he knew he was the killer?

Oliver: From the beginning But I won't ask why you're doing this

Oliver: I'm not a person to judge people

Oliver: Sometimes the best people are the ones who are not perfect

Alastor hugs his father and says: thanked dad

Oliver: No problem. I think you are the most handsome killer, he added

Alastor Embarrassed: Dad no

Oliver: Dad yes

Oliver continues to tease Alastor

His father would help him kill people sometimes

Oliver told Alastor about a strange story he had with an old man

The old man tells him About hell When he was a child

Oliver lied about an old man. He wanted to tell Alastor about hell when he fell and Alastor would be prepared in hell

Of course Oliver can't tell Alastor directly

Alastor will ask him how he knows all this

So he made up a fake story about a mysterious old man who told him about how hell works when he was a child

One day

But someone tried to kill Alastor With bullets But his father protected him

And that's how Oliver died

Anyway

This is the form of a demonic Oliver.

Oliver tried to make it a coincidence to meet Lucifer And he succeeded

Lucifer like Oliver handmade things Especially the duck part

You can say Oliver became like his advisor

But after some time Lucifer started to see Oliver as father figure Not only him

Mammon Queen Bee-lzebub Asmodeus Belphegor Stolas Goetia

I've read some fan stories & fan comic that The rulers of hell are Lucifer's siblings

I imagine Asmodeus asks for love advice from Oliver And he talks about how he love Fizzarolli

You could say he became like a royal father to them

LOL

Do you guys remember (episode 5 Dad Beat Dad)

In a song

Hell's Greatest Dad Sing-Along | Hazbin Hotel

Alastor tried to annoy Lucifer by taking his daughter's attention away from him

however, Later Lucifer found the perfect revenge

Lucifer sent some pictures of him and Oliver to Alastor With a message says Your dad is my dad now

Nene Nene Nene Nene.

Alastor went crazy with anger and jealousy

Alastor Knew his dad was in hell With him Because his dad always visited him at his home

however, Oliver didn't tell Alastor With his relationships with the most powerful demons

Because he knows that his son will use him for more power

(note: y/n as Oliver is loves and adore his son Alastor. So if Alastor is sad or frustrated because of him.

Oliver will give very little power and information Until he sees him smile)

Here's the funny part of my story

In the past

Alastor with Vox talk about work

When Oliver suddenly came

Alastor: Hello, Dad how are you

Oliver: hello, son So who is your friend?

Alastor: Dad meet Vox, vox Meet my dad

Vox: Nice To meet you

They shake hands

In the middle of the conversation

Oliver said to Vox What do you think of my son

Vox: He is a good friend, even though he is Trickster

Alastor: Thanks for complimenting me

Vox rolls his eyes:

Oliver: you know Alastor

Oliver: I think you and Vox will be very wonderful couple

Alastor spat out his Coffee while Vox choke on a biscuit

Oliver smiles a devilish smile And continue by saying It's good that you found someone for you son

Alastor: DAD

Vox: Blushing with embarrassment

Oliver: so vox Let me show you some pictures of Alastor when he was a child

Alastor took the photo book and burned it

Oliver Take out another Copy photo book

Alastor did the same thing a hundred times

Alastor:How many copies do you have?

Oliver: Plenty Because I know you'll burn the pictures

Oliver show vox pictures while telling stories about pictures while Alastor hits his head on a table from embarrassment.

Yes, I know, I'm evil

[shadowmaat]

Nuke your career before it's started

The latest scandal in bookworld is, sadly, getting pretty commonplace: "review bombing" your so-called "competition" in order to make your own book somehow look better.

It's junior high-levels of pettiness and shows a complete lack of understanding of the publishing industry, the writing community, and a fundamental ignorance of basic manners.

Insecurity and imposter syndrome are not valid excuses for trying to ruin someone else's chances. Especially since, at this point, it's such a common tactic that a lot of people are going to be automatically suspicious when they see a bunch of one star reviews. And in this latest case, the author couldn't even be bothered to come up with realistic names. Like, buddy, you are a WRITER. Being creative should be your whole bailiwick.

The sad thing is, the book sounded like a good one. There was good buzz around it and some notable authors submitted blurbs for it (which they've now asked to be removed, if possible). There's every chance the book would have been a success entirely on its own merits, but now? Now, if it even gets published it will have a huge malaise surrounding it. The Community will know it was That Author and they'll make sure everyone knows what she did. The receipts have already been published. All 31 pages of it.

This author has effectively destroyed her career before her first book even hit the shelves. This isn't a vanity publishing thing, either: this is TradPub. The Big Monster. Big Publishing doesn't take kindly to this kind of shit. If an author (especially an unknown one) causes enough bad press for them, they won't hesitate to cut ties. Why would you do that to yourself? And what do you hope to gain by shitting on others?

Not just any others, oh no. This author, a white woman, decided to use her plethora of burner accounts to target BIPOC authors, including queer and trans peeps who also have books coming out.

It's ridiculous. And terrible. The choices were:

1. Ignore the other books as Not About You. 2. Boost the other books because We're In This Together. 3. Try to destroy the other books because There Can Be Only One.

AND THEN. She tries to blame it all on "a friend." If you get caught, don't dig the hole deeper by lying. And it's definitely lying because this has apparently been going on since April, with the affected authors gathering their evidence and poking the culprit in an attempt to elicit a retraction/apology/anything. She had plenty of time to fix her mistakes, but just kept going. And now, at last, it's come to the attention of the general public (or at least twitter and blue sky). Now it's too late to apologize or try to make amends. Now all that's left is seeing if the publisher allows the book to move forward or if they pull the plug to get rid of the stink.

The author has only herself to blame, no matter how hard she tries to deflect. Behold, the consequences of your actions.

[jellybeanium124]

it's not anti semitic to be against zionism. Regardless of how zionism intended to start out (whether it had good intentions or not) its clear that today its movement is equivalent to extremism and white supremacy in other parts of the world. Its anti colonial to be against zionism.

I did not bring up israel or zionism or palestine in my post. you decided my post about how a lot of people on this website are being openly antisemitic is me calling out """antizionists""" (whatever you mean by that, because zionism and its converse have completely lost any meaning to me online because everyone means something different when they say those words). people are being antisemitic. I have seen so many posts that are like "when someone tells me they're jewish I just can't trust them anymore idk, what if they're a bad jew??" PEOPLE ARE BEING ANTISEMITIC. LISTEN TO JEWS. PLEASE, PLEASE LISTEN TO US. no one is listening. no one hears us when we cry out. no one cares. you all think we are lining up to suck netanyahu's dick and praise him for his political decisions. we're not. netanyahu is a fascist and the sooner he's removed from power (or dies, hopefully) the better for israelis and palestinians and just everyone.

why did you feel the need to immediately send me an ask like this? is it to defend yourself? is it to quell the idea that maybe you need to look inside yourself and check yourself for antisemitism? because if a goy these days ain't checking themselves, they will say or reblog or agree with something antisemitic. THE WORLD IS ANTISEMITIC. society is racist. society is sexist. society is homophobic. society hates jews. you grew up in society. you need to unlearn the jew hatred you were fed.

the free palestine movement and """antizionist""" movement have a nazi problem. not everyone in it is a nazi. I am for a free palestine. I've been a proponent of the two state solution before most people my age could locate palestine and israel on a map, because when you're jewish you have to know about these issues, and you have to know about them young. I've said this over and over. I keep telling you people I think palestinians should have their own free, peaceful, and democratic state, and you never fucking hear me. you disregard me saying that because it isn't enough. it won't be enough for you until I think israel should be destroyed too. but I will never believe that. israel gets to keep existing too, because otherwise half of my people will die. israel gets to exist despite it's horrible, terrible wrongs, same as america or britain or china. you don't get to call for the destruction of a country that contains half the world's jews. I will never be on the side of history that is calling for the murder of half of my people. we have to stick together. there's so few of us already. we haven't recovered from our most recent genocide.

I've probably been a bit rude and angry in this post. The past several months have been tiring, hard, and terrifying, that's my excuse. I know you, though, you're not some anon. I like your art. we were mutuals for a short stint, until you unfollowed me, probably because you don't like any of my opinions on i/p, which is your right. it's also your right to block me after reading this. I'll miss seeing your art. it's nice. I like the animatics you made, particularly the "I won't say I'm in love" one. it's a classic. it's sad, really, losing friends. not that I would call us friends, exactly. I don't think we ever spoke until literally right now. still, we run in the same group. I recognize you and you recognize me. so I will say one last thing as kindly as I can, because I don't actually like being mad. I don't like arguing. I don't like being blocked. None of this is fun.

Here it is: when a Jew talks about antisemitism, it is a gentile's job to listen.

Same principle as everything else. When Black people talk about racism, it is white people's job to shut up and listen. When queer people talk about homophobia, it is cishet people's job to shut up and listen. When disabled people talk about ableism, it's abled people's job to shut up and listen. No matter how much you want to speak up, no matter how much you want to counter what they're saying, no matter how much you want to argue with them, it is your job as someone not in that group to close your mouth and listen and think.

This can be difficult and uncomfortable. I say this from experience as I am not in every minority group ever. I've felt uncomfortable before listening to people in minority groups I'm not a part of talk about the bigotry they face. this doesn't make me evil, and it doesn't make you evil either. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Even the best allies fuck up sometimes.

Thank you for reading all of this. Genuinely, seriously, and from the bottom of my heart: thank you. This goes for any gentile reading this, not just Wen. Thank you, all of you.

[essayofthoughts]

4, 9, and/or 36 for the writer asks 💖

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Susurrus or susurration. I love how it sounds, I love how it feels to say, and I love how both suit the meaning!

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Kinda? It's complicated. I don't believe in spirits that linger, really - I think the energy that makes up what you could, possibly, term a soul, dissipates when we die - the animating spirit, the energy that keeps us going... I don't think that sticks around. I don't think there's ghosts in the sense of a trapped soul. But I do believe in kind of... an impression? An echo? The sense of those who came before? I've stood within Stonehenge and caves with prehistoric art and in the ruins of castles destroyed and within the walls of those still standing and some have just... a character. A sense of something. Stonehenge and Avebury, when you stand by those stones... you can feel the weight of ages. Maybe it is just psychosomatic, maybe it's nothing at all - but I do feel something sometimes, and it makes me more inclined to believe in something, even if I don't necessarily believe in something specific, you know?

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

I mean for one, I don't think it's terrible advice. I think a lot of people take it too narrowly - to write only about exactly their own experiences - but in my experience, you can write what you know without it being a bad thing. I mean... how far our writing can develop kind of inherently relies on what we know - what our life experiences are. Can you write grief accurately if you have not, at some point, experienced some form of loss?

The trick, in my opinion, is take your knowledge and your experiences and find ways to contextualise them. Taking that example of grief, even if you've not lost a loved one to death - have you just lost a friend? Drifted apart and felt the pain and loss of that friendship, the way it aches steadily and sometimes suddenly? Have you lost something important or precious to you? It's not the same thing, but finding that point of kinship can help to extrapolate further. And in flipside: you may not have experienced abuse, but you may have been peer pressured into not making a fuss about something which upset you - they're not 100% the same thing, but there is an emotional throughline, a point of connection that can allow one enough understanding to empathise with the situation and at least make an attempt at accurately portraying it.

You don't need to have 100% experienced the thing you write, but when you write about it, you'll most likely be best at the parts of it you understand and have experience of yourself.

This is all to lead to - I know emotional manipulation and the resultant trauma. I know depression and I know the particular grief of someone you think you know actually being something else. I know violation. And I have written it! Never precisely accurate to my own experiences, but by drawing on my own experiences. (I am very honoured that some commenters seem to have also found it resonant with their experiences - in my opinion, that more than anything shows a job well done.)

I also know archaeology, so anyone wondering about the details Keyleth and Percy discussed about the Shadebarrow in A Whisper on My Shoulder, now you know. I get emotional about archaeology in a way few things can and I like finding excuses to write about little things I learned when studying it.

[long-distance-love]

Hi! I'm in desperate need of help since I can't talk about this with nobody else. I've been in a long distance relationship for 5 years now, she's almost graduating in college in another country. I miss her terribly and I've been feeling pretty lonely for a long time. She is very caring and loves me very much. We are each other's first girlfriend. I love her but the distance during these 5 years made me do needy.

She has an older sister, amazing as she is, we live in the same city and she's also my type. So, since last year I developed a crush on her and this is killing me. She had a few bad relationships herself and I always thought I wish I could be someone she would fall for and i would give her my heart and soul If i was single. And she just got into another relationship.

How could I forget about her sister if she's bound to be in my life? I'm afraid this feeling might destroy my relationship in the future. I keep having these fantasies. I feel like shit. Please advise!

Hey Nonny,

You're understandably going through a lot at the moment... Benny and I had a long discussion about your ask over coffee this morning, so here's our two cents. The main topics I'll center our reply around are Fantasising, Idealisation (in LDR), Needs in a relationship, & Tough love from us (which is more of a personal opinion and can be totally ignored by you if you like!) We know it's a lot, so we've summed everything up before delving deeper into topics (detailed answer is under the cut).

Good luck figuring things out!

-Danny

TLDR

Determine what your needs are and make sure they're being met (if this is too tough alone, recruit a friend or potentially even the help of a therapist)

Decide whether you love your girlfriend and can stay in a committed, honest relationship with her, or otherwise stop stringing her along

Crushes and fantasies are normal, but indulging them for so long is not - it's a choice and I know you know it as well deep down

You're only crushing on others because you're not dating them. If you were dating them, you would be crushing on someone else. (Which seems like an unhealthy pattern that you should break into.)

Your main objective in an LDR (aside from working hard on maintaining the flame, love, caring and intimacy) is to resolve the distance. If you're not working on it, then the whole relationship is most likely doomed and will fall apart sooner or later. (Even if it would take years for you to be finally living together, you need plans and you need to communicate that you want that future together)

Be a decent person and don't ruin two sisters' relationship. You simply have no right to do that. Forget about her sister even if you decide to break up with her.

Fantasising

So I think we can all agree that we all have eyes, and we all notice attractive and beautiful people, regardless of our relationship status. We also form new friendships and connections, which is good for us because a relationship shouldn't prohibit you from social interactions. However, I find it deeply unsettling how you talk about your fantasies and I think you need to be more honest with yourself here. You make your urge to fantasise out to be this uncontrollable, terrible force that you simply cannot stop... Or can you? Being in a long, committed relationship is a choice. You choose, every single day, to be faithful to your partner. This is obviously even more difficult in an LDR. Whether or not you entertain these fantasies is also a choice. Healthier ways to cope with your urge to fantasise would be consuming romance novels or media that resonates with you; creating something you can pour your emotions into (i.e. write or paint); scheduling in romantic dates with your partner and rekindle the flame (yes, it works even over videocalling); planning a visit or a holiday together.

Idealisation in LDR

I've spoken in length on this blog about how often we idealise our partner in an LDR, or in the early stages of a relationship, or even a crush, and the reason why we do that is quite simple. Our partner is not yet part of our daily routine and we don't know everything about them. We happily overlook things that we don't like in favour of their positive attributes. The same thing can happen when you have a crush on someone. You don't essentially know the person, you create this perfect image in your head. They're also a novelty, they're unknown and exciting. Truth is, if they're only exciting because you're not in a committed relationship with them. You say you've been crushing on your partner's sister for a whole year, but how much time have you actually spent with her? My guess would be that this is all in your head and the character you've built up over the year and have a crush on is actually little more than fiction.

Needs in a relationship

If you fantasise about others, and develop crushes on others, while being in a relationship, and you feel like you can't stop, then you either don't want to be in a relationship with your current partner or your needs are not being met. It might also be an attachment issue - you might have avoidant attachment style, which makes it hard for you to maintain a long committed relationship as the intimacy of it scares you (if this resonates with you, do search for Ainsworth's attachment theory online, there's a lot of resources and tests you can look at). Back to needs though! You keep saying you're needy and lonely, but not once do you mention how you're planning to resolve the distance between you and your partner. If your needs are not being met, you need to do some soul searching and have a heart to heart with your partner. LDRs are really difficult to manage as you have limited channels to express your affection and caring for each other. Getting better at managing it will improve your quality of relationship.

Tough love from us

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the sister is obviously not into you as she is in a relationship, and even if she were, I'm sure she values her relationship with her sister more than to go behind her back and date her partner/ex. No more excuses. You have the power to stop fantasising about her. If you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, then that's your perogative, but don't drag your girlfriend through your indecision, and please for the love of god don't ruin the two sisters' relationship. Also, can you imagine yourself in her shoes? Read your ask again and pretend to be in your girlfriend's place. What do you feel? Do you think it's a fair situation? Would you be able to ever forgive your partner if they kept something like this from you for a year?

Also if you can say you'd give someone your heart and soul if you could while in a relationship, then you don't love your current partner anymore. I'm sorry but you simply don't. You might care for them but that's not love. And you're certainly not trying to stay in love either.