#(I'm just really bad at navigation)
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hey guys remember when I said I'd probably draw the back alley EULR design next? Yeah I lied. MORE STORCH!! Fenrir this time. Mf not even a year old yet and already causing problems man 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Also here's a WIP I started alongside this and just didn't have time to finish. I'll get to it... eventually... I work weekends tho 馃様
#the big wolf is fenrir btw#like the ACTUAL one#from Norse mythology#also bruh my biggest fear with Fenrir (the Storch) is ppl misinterpreting her and thinking this is like#ah yes stereotypical Storch violence hahaha#IM RIPPING MY SKIN OFF#nobody has said this. yet.#but I worry someone will... or they'll be thinking it...#like no dude this is supposed to be abnormal this is not how a Storch usually behaves this is like excessive violence she is an ANOMALY#something is severely WRONG WITH HER AAAAAH#she's supposed to be like... the opposite extreme to Athena I think#Athena is this old battle hardened Storch who navigates the world with her wisdom and experiences#she'll only lose her shit for real if you REAAAALLY fucked up#and then Fenrir is this young Storch who is just batshit off the walls fucking insane and brutal and VIOLENT#ugh am I making sense??#mind you tho#Fenrir is a really smart killer#and despite what you'd think she's really clean#so don't let that mindlessly violent appearance fool you#nobody can tell what she's actually thinking and that's what's scariest about her I think#anyways I'm like wording things really bad this is easier to make threads on bsky and shit about 馃槶#WHATEVER#just enjoy my problem child ok?#raymooart#raymooocs#signalis oc#STCR-L1207 ''Fenrir''#signalis art#signalis#signalis game
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#rogue trader#heinrix van calox#theciya von valancius#solanj art#heinrix x von valancius#just a little something to cheer myself up#I feel a little bad for fandom tagging a piece which from the outside probably isn't even recognizable as fandom#but I need those tags to be able to navigate my own blog#sorry!#also I'm so insane about these two you have no idea#can I have at least an itty-bitty portion of my brain back?#please?#Owlcats?#Anyone?..#I really need that brain to do stuff you know#like work#and certainly NOT to be daydreaming 24/7!
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The way I will simply never recover from this page:
Vegeta's Panic and then IMMEDIATE affection for his new baby
Vegeta being excited to have a daughter
Goku assuming his wife Magic'd their children out of herself
Supreme Kai being embarrassed for Goku
Beerus getting wasted
Bulma saying she will raw dog her husband frequently and expeditiously with her whole chest, in front of god and everybody
Whis being like 'i gotchu babe 馃拝 but i gotta borrow ur man first or there'll be no more boning for anybody lol'
#i have tried to watch the anime and it is just so SO far off course I can't do it I can't stomach that shit anymore lol#it's not even the same series it's like a team of guys going 'be vigilant guys goku can't be funny or interesting under any circumstances'#'Make sure nobody gets a personality outside of their Token Trope we don't want to have to trust our audience at all got it??'#this anime did toriyama's writing so dIRTYYYY LOL no WONDER he didn't watch the anime for his shows it's BAD out here#i'm being a hater i'm sorry but the anime is SO AFRAID of Goku having flaws and the manga really is just CHOICE#especially if you're a vegebul stan they're so solid they're so quietly and comfortably in love#the anime is just tsundere'ing him through his dad era for some reason even though he and Bulma are fully the Squad Parents in the manga#Piccolo is Team Grandpa and we stan an icon#Vegeta had one (1) Reaction to PDA and then Did His Best to navigate it and Try -- and the next time we see Bulma she's pregnant lmao#dbtag
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Such a nice morning with the girls!
#such a good call booking it back#we are enjoying a nice sunday morning full of tasks and comforts#information withheld from the poll: It was raining and the campers across the way had a loose dog who kept wandering over#I was pretty set on heading home but felt a little dramatic#our rally runs didn't feel good#we still Q'd#but I had to ask for pig's attention way to much and it felt extra bad because people now know who we are#it absolutely should not matter#but it's a little worm in my brain now#and I really really don't want to be that person but I was not loving the venue#10/10 a training issue but I honestly don't want to work on that specific thing#I'm stressed navigating a show and trialing my own dog#having to physically navigate one 10ft wide lane that feeds into 6 active rings is a hassle just as a person#and it's an extra hassle with a dog#the waiting area for the rally ring was squished between the ring and benching#it was also the same waiting area for the obedience ring so 12/10 super crowded#pichael tried so much for me and I simply was not there to support her#turnpike#rory borealis
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Sorry for not getting to those asks yet, depression's hitting really really hard so I've mostly been hiding in discord. ;.;
#rambles.#vent.#;;It's real bad x.x#;;Still scared that the person who ran me off will return#;;Or that someone else will decide to do it for them#;;Or that I'll get flooded with anon hate again like before#;;Or that no one wants me around and I'm just being tolerated#;;I guess more damage has been done than I thought ;.;#;;I was gonna try to do YCHs again but I'm too scared to make an example for it since I don't wanna make people uncomfy#;;This side of Tumblr is really *really* hard to navigate at times...#;;At least when you're the kind of people pleaser I am
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I know we skirt around and sometimes talk about the ~trauma~ of it all, but I think seeing how loudly Taylor and Travis support each other on main (while still carving out a private life together) really starts to illuminate to an even clearer degree how many of Taylor's choices and actions were a response to all of ~that~ in the last decade or so (and particularly since 2016).
Again, which is not to say it's all bad, and many of them were choices she needed to make at the time for her own health and I'm sure there are some things from the time period she's continued to keep with her, but it's just really striking that she's, like, in full bloom now. And as a lot of people here are saying, she's probably more like herself these days than she'd been in the last decade. It's getting to the point (at least for me) that sometimes I can't even imagine her the way she was in the last few years because she just seems soooooo much more comfortable in her own skin. Which is silly, because that was as much her as the person she is now, she is an amalgamation of all those parts of her (just like any other person is).
But you just see *how much* she just loves so freely -- not just romantically but in everything she does -- and it's even sadder to think about how she felt like she had to slice off all these parts of her and like she had to accept a certain way of living (and being loved) in order to survive and have a life of her own.
I'm just really happy for her that she seems to be healing every passing day and is just embracing everything coming her way.
ok gonna word vomit more in the tags
#like i'm just trying not to drag certain people too much because really what's past is past etc lol#but it's just like... seeing how she's come out the other side in the last 10 months#I can't even picture her being locked away in her house and agreeing to be kept like a secret by ANYONE#and again it's not that it was all bad (e.g. with j*e) -- i have no doubt that the privacy was something she craved in 2016#and that it probably started off as a relief to her#but I can't picture her in a relationship at this point in her life where her partner won't even say her name in public#and where she goes to extreme degrees to not appear with them#(ahem EVEN WHEN THEY'RE AT THE SAME FESTIVAL)#and navigating that 24/7#and the fuck of it all is that it wasn't even just one relationship like that! There were multiple!#and like not to psychoanalyze or whatever lol#but the whole 'you accept the love you think you deserve' of it all#and maybe it's like she felt this extreme privacy to the point where they publicly almost couldn't acknowledge they existed#was the only way it was possible to have any kind of home life#idk idk i'm having a lot of feelings on her behalf#i guess the tl;dr is that i feel like because of all the things that happened to her#she made choices that i don't think she'd be making at this point
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Shameless Self Promo
I've never been any good with these.

This is my nerd, he's a demon boi, like the look of him? curious? You should totally interact with him. Majority of info you might want can be found on the links below this text. Please be sure to fill in the interest tracker! I beg of you.
Rules聽 || Bio聽|| Background Hints聽|| Perma Call || Interest Tracker
As for me, you can call me Steeb or Steven. I'm a human being with 0% redeeming qualities. always happy to chat and chill assuming I'm around and love throwing this dork of mine into various situations and stories. I've been doing this for at least 14+ years now and the quality has never improved, how about that?
So feel free to share this around if you'd like, a reblog/like would be appreciated and I'll check you out! Thanks for reading, I'll get out the way now.
#OOC#Self Promo#Mun talks#(Always wanna interact with more)#(I'm just really bad at navigation)#(And this site doesn't help much there :P)
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lov and peace on planat earth... 鉁岋笍
#just read some crazy tumblr drama and man...#makes me glad i'm not being hyperscrutinized#also makes me glad though that i can admit when i was/am wrong. it's difficult but important#granted i probably haven't done it enough. atonement is... difficult?#navigating what's the right thing to do... it helps to be honest with yourself#and lead with compassion. 馃#it's kind of a delicate balance to keep but you need to be really hard on yourself but at the same not too much#it's a little maddening but i guess that's just life when you have a morality complex#and i've settled in that. would much rather obsess insanely about morals instead of abandoning them#the hardest thing isn't that but a lack of connection with others#i try. so hardd to make connections and even with other queer and nd people i'm failing so bad. 馃槶 and it makes me wonder like.#what is WRONG with me#i am content for the moment though i feel bad for my one friend whom my mental state is entirely reliant on#i try very much not to let them know that it is though 馃槶 we're both busy#do online friendships and dating app things usually just not turn out? maybe i just need to stop getting so down about it.#it'd be easier to do that with a healthy amount of friends though#not giving up overall tho... might for a little bit. you know. take breaks of the Will#but it's not over til im wiped off of this godforsaken rock#have my journal entry tumblr
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Me when I have plans but my head looks like a trashcan on fire and like 3 separate "mes" are arguing with me about said plans

#like ok. guys we made plans. please.#like genuinely i have no idea how other people just exist like whenever i want to do something there is at least one part of me that very#passionately wants to do the exact opposite even though it wasnt there just a second ago#like is nobody elses head a car filled with people going on a road trip or what?#because i kinda assume that that is the default state of being but nobody else seems to have as many problems with it#because i do feel like my head is a car full of people going on a road trip.#and hey from the outside it looks so united; right? it looks like just one car and it looks like it must be calm inside but it isnt#because theres a driver and a navigator in the passenger seat and several family members in the back seats and theyre shouting#something at the driver and the driver is getting really irritated and someone is sleeping in the trunk of the car#and if the driver gets pissed off enough theyll shout 'OK! Do it yourself if youre so smart!'#and lets go of the wheel and crawls into the back to sleep#and then someone else takes the wheel and theyre driving the car#and sometimes that exchange of the wheel is calm because only one person wants the wheel#but sometimes its loud and chaotic and painful because everyone wants the wheel and theyre all fighting and trying to take it#and sometimes two people are driving at once#and sometimes nobody actually wants the wheel they just like to complain. so nobody is driving and the car is speeding down the high way an#it might just drive off a cliff because nobody wants to go ahead and take the wheel#and sometimes the driver is really really really really tired and would LOVE#for someone to take the wheel for a bit but nobody wants to take it. and sometimes the driver kinda wants to keep driving#but someone goes 'Actually I'm taking the wheel; this looks like a job for me. Sod off.' and yeets the driver to the back#or to the passenger seat#and i assume that this is how it works for everyone.#which is why i assume that i am VERY bad at handling it
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#really have to learn to not reciprocate#i can't deal with this cycle of us being closer again and then feeling like i'm the worst thing that ever happened to them#over and over#why can't you just tell me that you hate me and give me a reason to disappear#it would be easier than navigating all this shit that shouldn't even have to be my problem#i didn't sign up to be everyone's mom#but i'm too fucking nice#need a fresh start so bad#but i'm almost 30 and have nothing
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Tell me a conspiracy theory you think is true. Or rant about a hyperfixation. Or both.
wooeeeueuhjh i don't know how people just talk about stuff at will, my mind is like a peaceful empty garden there is nothing happening in there ever, buddhists hate me, i've achieved inner peace only to think it's super lame cause i have no idea what to say to people that i'd like to talk to and get to know better, weuehhh i just wanna hang out in real life and let conversation happen naturally
anyway i'd totally buy that the monarchy killed diana, i don't know nearly enough about that whole thing to actually have an opinion, but they're definitely evil enough with some real motive behind them for sure pffshfjjs idk
#when i do end up going on rants it's more like a hurricane hitting my peaceful mind garden and i don't control the weather#none of this counts as a rant btw. i'm just complaining lmao#i mean even irl i usually end up planning the beginning of conversations with a bit or something#and just hoping it picks up afterwards or otherwise things just get awkward#idk i just feel bad cause people online talk to *me* but i never end up striking up conversations in return#and it's not at all that i don't wanna talk to them i just have no idea what to say ever#literally i'm so silent all the time unless the balls already rolling and i'm comfortable then i turn into the loudest mf ever fkfjsjshs#but i cannot for the life of me choose to navigate between those two states lmao#also i'm not really into conspiracy theories. like i don't really know anything about any of them. occam's razor is my best friend 馃#askmuck
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me: *is overwhelmed by multiple WIPs, writing assignment, essays, and newspaper articles, and-*
my brain: time to plan a new WIP!
#....yeah i'm brining back my POTC fic...#revamping and redoing it...#gonna give it a more horror edge heehee#(and also enemies to lovers romance mayhaps... delphine and capt. salazar have very bold and unwavering willpowers + trauma lol)#(and delphine isn't afraid to stare literal death in the face and talk down to him like a mongrel)#(.....even if she's fucking terrified on the inside)#also now she has a soft spot for astrology but hardly talks about it because women in science bad#but it makes her lowkey decent (not great) at navigating so she uses 'navigating' as an excuse to just look at stars lol#also sorry to literally everyone idk if anyone here is in the POTC fandom or not...but.........yeah...#i kinda am but also not really (mostly not really)#i'm literally in it only bcs of the 5th movie because mmmmm javier bardem as n ugly brooding goth ghost man mmmmmmm gimme#but yeah this fic is a lot like 'serpentine whispers' where i glance over the lore of the story and run with what the movies give us#i just turn the canon characters into my personal dolls that i hope still resemble their canon counterparts lol
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@felikatze OH nothing LMFAOO (not that I know of anyway haven't caught up) I'm just rotating them both in my mind and desperately attempting to illustrate the parallels 馃槄馃槄
#i really really REALLY want to write/draw a comic about the two of them navigating complicated family stuff#espp bc i think they both would be like. fascinating to see interact on an emotional level#almost like unstoppable force immovable object. triandra's catholic guilt vs alfonse's practicality#and outright refusal to let himself feel things sometimes despite having very big feelings. fight#they're like distant cousins to me now. i NEED them to get into some family drama#AUGH and more on triandra actually her tendency to let even the littlest things consume her completely.#like that cutesy short w all the fairies. she messes up and it's just INSTANT despair spiral#like i think they could get so ugly actually. i wanna see them fight SO fucking bad just go for the throat#but i also want them to find like. something. to make peace over. and ultimately support each other.#all of this said i'm still very early on in trying to capture triandra's character so like!#part of trying to capture the parallels is also trying to figure out how she is and how i can do justice to her character#fe alfonse#fe triandra
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I feel like when I'm done with my current projects and obligations I'm going to at least stop posting art for a while. When I think about it, I don't believe there's much reason for me to continue sharing. It's been on my mind for a while. Maybe I'll feel different later but idk. I think in general Tumblr fandom has morphed into being an aggressively negative experience for me over the last few months and even when I'm not experiencing a Bad Mental Time there's a sense of... disconnection at best. The fact I think about this so frequently says a lot, I think.
I probably shouldn't be so negative on main but like... idk? I don't like feeling like I always have to at least try to muster up something more perky and positive and it's a personal failing when I don't or can't or struggle.
#like... who am I doing this for?#I think I don't enjoy the things people around me enjoy and I have no desire to linger when I don't seem to build connections as a result#when I feel like I'm playing roulette constantly on whether the dash is going to be just a drain on my energy#if sharing my work is just going to make me feel bad because I keep thinking 'everyone hates me for this'#why am I doing it? I enjoy the process of creating. I can enjoy that without trying to share.#I feel like I need to unfollow people but I know some people hold grudges about that and I'm not up to navigating that.#rambling#whoo sleep deprived earnesty#the good news is I colored some flowers I really liked recently! I'm hopeful about that piece.
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gnaws on wood
#crazy how religious trauma just got me fucked up for life lmao#and I still live with the same people who instilled that fear inside me so that's fun on a daily basis#I try my fuckign best to navigate my life and stay positive I can literally be having the best day and all it takes is one little thing-#like how is that fun for you? to sit and tell ur family members that they're gonna go to hell the end of the world is upon us#'you aren't gonna be able to live your life fully anyways just come to church and get saved then you can at least get into heaven' I JUST#I AM ABOUT TO START GOING INSANE#I need to find a way out of here but god damn I can't even find a job rn like ugfhfghfsghgfhfg god I'm trying to stay strong so bad I am#crazy how people think they're helping you when really they're the ones pushing you further into insanity#not to mention the fact that I believe Christianity probably caused me to be so fucked mentally starting at a young age#then the fucking job thing like even then I need accommodations since I'm fucking epileptic like UGGFHFGHFGHFGHFG#It will all be okay and I believe that truly I just needed to yell and scream into the void thanks#man the worst part is the fear mongering gets to me after while and I think well damn they're probably right huh#hayden.txt
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sometimes i feel bad for posting too much of my interests to my tumblr and like im annoying my friends. then i realise this is my fucking tumblr?? a place to engage with my interests? maybe. maybe i think i need to get over myself and realise that people dont just automatically dislike me for existing. and that perhaps, my friends like me and aren't annoyed at my every move and if they were they aren't meant to be my friend.
#friendship is a hard thing to navigate when u have had numerous bad experiences#but that doesnt mean that every friendship is gonna turn out like those did.#and that is something that I need to come to grips with because it just. damages friendships in the long run bc of withdrawing yknow#I'm just glad I now have friends that genuinely like me and like spending time with me. it makes me very happy#yes this is probably abt u if ur reading this#also ik I post a lot of my deeper thoughts on here but I literally dont talk to anyone abt my feelings or experiences so theyve gotta go#somewhere and I need you to know that I do really appreciate you. and im trying.#to stop apologising for everything sm and to stop being emotionally unavailable lmao
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