#need a fresh start so bad
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#really have to learn to not reciprocate#i can't deal with this cycle of us being closer again and then feeling like i'm the worst thing that ever happened to them#over and over#why can't you just tell me that you hate me and give me a reason to disappear#it would be easier than navigating all this shit that shouldn't even have to be my problem#i didn't sign up to be everyone's mom#but i'm too fucking nice#need a fresh start so bad#but i'm almost 30 and have nothing
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The weather this morning was pleasant and below 25ºc for the first time in months!! so we went thrifting, here are our finds!! I can't wait to style them for autumn 😊
#Nips photos#personal#SOON 🍁🍂🍁🍂#I can't wait for this summer to end#it's been a really bad one with eveything that happened I really need a fresh start I feel so stuck#autumn will fix me I tell myself#nips blogs
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Hey guys, I'd like to apologize for disappearing once again. I seem to end up self-sabotaging myself everytime I try to get back into the swing of things (attempting to do the backlog of comms + doodles, opening patreon). I've been feeling lethargic for some time now & tbh I can't help but remember my mom's situation back then before she got admitted to the hospital. I don't want to go through the same thing so I'm trying my best to pick myself up—even though it's hard. I lost my dad last 2016 then my mom this year & it's just... it's a big blow for me.
I'm sorry if I keep asking for help like this... but I've stretched our budget too thin now since I haven't been able to work on anything. If anyone would like to help, my ko-fi page is open. Any kind of help or support is very much appreciated! 🙏
I'd also like to apologize to those who subscribed to my patreon. I really thought I'd be able to just start right away & draw again like I used to after announcing it here but I thought wrong. I owe you guys a doodle + a drawing session. I can't promise to do them soon but I'll try my best!
Lastly, I've also been thinking of doing an art stream as a thanks for continuing to support me even though I haven't posted art for so long ;_; Nothing fancy, just a simple stream of me drawing on a canvas (I don't have the guts to show my face or talk I'm sorry... 🙈). Tbh it sounds overwhelming but I thought it might help me gain momentum for drawing again. Idek if I'll actually be able to do it, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while now.
I'm sorry again for all this... I'm still a mess atm & so I still keep struggling. But I'm also grateful bc many of you still choose to stay & support me despite the lack of activity. Really though, thank you, thank you so much for still being here ;_; 🙏🙏🙏
#the week after I posted abt patreon was the time I had severe menstrual cramps and I just... lost the momentum after that#even vomitted at some point bc of how bad it was#and then I received a bad news abt the apartment we're renting#caretaker of the apt. said my mom missed a couple of payments before and now I have to shoulder them#im still trying to find the receipts that my mom kept but I couldn't find them so now im just... left w/ another problem#my mood tanked after hearing abt it... was planning to move out in the future to start fresh again but bc of this im not even sure anymore#sighs. im still trying to find the receipts tho so im hoping it was just something they overlooked#im sorry again... don't really want to rely on ppl's donations anymore bc I know everyone have their own needs too#and that's hard earned money... but bc of my situation im left w/ no choice but to try to ask for help again ;_;#thank you to those who helped so far I really appreciate you all ;; 🙏
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y’all make me wanna dl build/buy cc so bad 😭
#i have almost 50gb of cas cc tho so I can’t 💔#if I ever get sick of the hollands and need to start a new save I’m deleting my mods and starting fresh#can’t keep living like this LMFAO I have cc from 2019 in my mods folder it’s bad#non sims
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sorry i havent been posting i think im burnt out rn
#ill come back around#this is a cycle i go thru often#it doesnt help that ive kinda#i guess ive just kind of grown bored of utmv?#like ok u know when your hyperfixation kinda moves to the backburner#its not GONE its just kind of going dormant#ive been thinking abt moving to a sideblog for a fresh start#because i know 99% of the people following me are doing so for my utmv art#and i kinda feel bad about. yk. not delivering lmao#and i dont think ill be delivering for a while#like. idk i just feel like i need a break from utmv. refresh my palette and all that#so. yeah i guess this is my way of saying there probably wont be much sans art for a while#sorry#skeledoodles#fallout#fo4#fo4 brainrot#fallout 4#fo4 john hancock#idk what else to tag this#i think my burnout will be less bad when i feel less pressured to draw utmv stuff#my brain needs to get up and stretch ok#i told myself from the beginning of this blog that i would create what i WANT and not whats expected of me#but ive found that it is definitely. very easy to fall into this trap lol#but i will try to create more of what i actually want to draw because thats like healthy n stuff idk
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One of the best Voyager scenes to indicate Tuvok & Neelix's dynamic and how I think Tuvok is just as if not more 'annoying'(positive) than Neelix is when Neelix pours Tuvok a fresh squeezed glass of a fruit juice blend and Tuvok's like (paraphrased) "I don't want to drink this." and Neelix is like "Can you please try it?" and Tuvok's like "I don't want to, you're really bad at this sort of thing. It's going to taste bad." and Neelix says that Ensign XYZ said she LOVED it, she even had a second glass! And Tuvok says Ensign XYZ could drink poison without a second thought and Neelix is like "Tuvok could you please just TRY it? Just try a little SIP of it PLEASE??" and Tuvok sighs and rolls his eyes and sniffs it before taking a sip and it turns out he loves it. Turns out it tasted good actually. And then after all that Neelix tries to talk to him over eggs (which he's again cooking fresh for him) and Tuvok tells him he doesn't wanna hear "the life history of his breakfast." Absolutely insufferable this man I would have burned his eggs on PURPOSE!!!!
#I love Neelix so much and I think he and Tuvok are very funny together - irritating4irritating#People say 'Neelix is so pushy with Tuvok!' and you know what? I think Tuvok can handle it. I think maybe he does need to be pushed -#down a flight of stairs. (he's my favorite character and he's so annoying...TUVOK!!!!!)#Tuvok: -kicking and screaming- I don't want to drink the juice!!! It's poison!!! You're trying to poison me!!!!!!!!!#Neelix: Can you please drink the juice. The fresh squeezed juice I made for you Mr. Vulcan??? Can you please???#Tuvok: Fine but if I die it's your fault. If I die from the poison you're FORCING me to drink it's on y- Oh this is delicious actually.#and don't tell me 'Neelix didn't make it SPECIFICALLY for Tuvok' bc I know he didn't but he says#'I'll start squeezing that second glass!' after Tuvok finishes his sip so he IS freshly squeezing it#Neelix: -makes Tuvok fresh squeezed juice-#Tuvok: Are you trying to poison me???#Neelix: -talks to Tuvok while making his eggs-#Tuvok: Can you be quiet???#<- TUVOK!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU EHHEHEHEH <3#Tuvok is the most annoying guy ever bc he doesn't care about what people think and is a snob with a lowkey superiority complex#vs Neelix is perceived as annoying (post his relationship with Kes) bc he cares a lot about being useful and helping the crew and sometimes#is too pushy because of that but listen...I think Neelix is sweet and genuinely trying his best - after the Kes plotline with him ends I#really don't find him objectionable. Just chatty & a bit overbearing maybe Meanwhile Tuvok !!!#Meanwhile Tuvok!!!!!!!!! HHEHEHHE#st voyager#star trek voyager#I think they should have done more with Neelix thinking the crew of Voyager were spoiled - specifically how Tuvok acts Like That sometimes#little lord Tuvok. oH SORRY...for DEIGNING to speak while preparing your eggs your HIGHNESS!!#I think people do a disservice to Tuvok by not talking more about how he's kind of a hardass and a snob v_v also a disservice to Janeway#indirectly bc her bestie is kind of a hardass and a snob and what does that say about her??#I also wish Neelix kept up a bit of that 'these people are crazy and also so soft oh my god shut up about the food being bad - we're trying#to SURVIVE!!! Eat the Leola Root!!' from the earlier seasons...I like when he shows he has a bit of bite#It's just funny and interesting that Janeway isn't friends with Tuvok bc he's 'not like other Vulcans' - she's friends with the most#Vulcany Vulcan ever and I love that for them.#CRIMINAL that we don't ever get any in-depth insight into their friendship#Tuvok
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i feel so relaxed and happy and in love with my life knowing today was a reset day. i did my homework, took ample breaks, prayed, oiled my hair, took a warm shower, shaved, washed my hair, and am about to study some more before bed. when did i miss out on life being so simple and beautiful?
#going to start this week fresh and happy#hopefully sleep at a decent time#i’ve got 3 tests this week - 2 that i missed n need to catch up on#but i’m not going to procrastinate this time#i’m going to allocate my time properly and study and get them done#and next week i’ll do that with my other class#and the week after i’ll do it with the third#i’m going to actually attend class and pay attention and do the homework questions#read books and listen to good music#pray a lot and be grateful for what i have#i’m so thankful for everything#i thought life would never feel like this again#but it’s nice to know that giving up is temporary#life really does and will get better#it might get bad again#but it’ll always get better again#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱
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do NOT kill yourself. Stoked (2009) can save you.
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Every time I have to settle for Wendy's over the restaurant I was planning to go to, I'm shunted into a fucking circus and my chances of escaping with a semblance of edible food is a toss up.
#and like im not gonna give them a bad review and get someone fired#so you all get to hear me gripe here#they were acting like they were slammed but i only saw like 4 orders come in the entire time i was there#they were out of bbq sauce#i just ordered a biggie bag with a plain burger#they made my burger in 5 minutes#i stood there 20 more minutes watching it get stone cold#then i think someone competent started her shift on the hour#because she noticed the time on my receipt#threw away my old burger and had fresh food out in a couple minutes#french fries do not taste good with sweet and sour sauce.#also im on a work trip so i need to keep my receipts#i made it clear at the beginning that i needed my receipt#and they were like 'we need it to fill the order can you wait' and im like ok as long as I get it#the first guy filled my order and immediately threw away my receipt#i had to ask him to fish it out of the trash because I NEED IT#and then i had to ask him twice for the drink that comes with the meal
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Look at me. LOOK at me. Old growth forests are important. Their loss is violence against the land.
BUT that isn’t a reason to point at younger, perfectly healthy closed canopy forests and claim they’re ecologically insignificant or bad. Their sparse understory is a function of closed canopy forests. Even old growth forests will have sparse understories if the canopy is closed. That’s how photosynthetic strata works.
The west coast has vastly different forests and history than the east. The rare volcanic eruption that made the giant stands of Douglas fir in the west possible would be literally impossible here. Our species are adapted for stand replacing fires set by indigenous peoples to drive deer and rejuvenate oak. Oak as a genus is dying here. We can’t set fires. We can’t harvest patches large enough to simulate a fire. Our deer are overpopulated and browse down every sprout that dares to reach for sunlight.
Making a sweeping ban on clear-cut and similarly ‘scary’ harvests would kill them for good. The restrictions on fire have nearly done that to species like Jack and pitch pine that rely heavily on fire to establish. They’ve been relegated to pine barrens and the rare sandy forest clearing. Our fire Cherry, thankfully, can last decades in the soil seedbank. You can only see them the first few decades after a large, complete harvest and then they die.
What’s good for one forest kills another. Not all trees are made ecologically equal - and that’s a very good thing. All trees and forests have their ecological value. Management of one forest is never applicable to other forests; they all have their own unique histories and communities that should be imitated when possible and left alone when not.
#ra speaks#personal#forest#forestry#I wanna agree w old growth forest folks so bad but then they turn around and say shit like ‘there is NEVER a good reason to clearcut’#babes the kirt warbler would like to argue. bitches need 10-15 ft Jack pine to nest in. they’re picky.#you ain’t getting 10-15 ft Jack pine without a large. stand replacing. disturbance.#*shaking Californians by the shoulders* THERE IS MORE FOREST TO THE WORLD THAN DOUGLAS FIR. WHY ARENT YOU PROTECTING THE CLIFFSIDE CEDARS?#we have cedars on this coast that are OLD GROWTH. nobody but weird tree ppl seem to care bc THEYRE UGLY AF AND SMALL.#that doesn’t mean they’re ‘not old growth’#gosh do NOT even get me started on the semantics of old growth#and like. yeah we can’t replace old growth in the west BUT NOT BC PLANTATIONS HAVE A HARVEST SCHEDULE.#it’s because the original old growth only exists bc a VOLCANIC ERUPTION wiped out most everything else and laid a nice bed of ash#for the seedlings to establish in. id rather a shitty plantation keep a 50-60 ur harvest schedule on a single piece of land#than have them slowly chip away at literally irreplaceable trees in the name of#‘sustainable forestry’ babe there is no sustaining the western old growth. either a volcano decides to give it a fresh start or not#I hate hate hate the eternal-ness ppl have attached to forests they are not here for you they aren’t even here for species that rely on them#they’re here bc a long time ago nothing else was. they’re here bc the soil was just right. they’re here bc the people before respected that#but also understood their power to shape the landscape. and in doing so they created diversity rarely seen this far north.#sorry. it’s been a day. needed a good rant.
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This is what I've been up to for over a year now, doing my gay craft fairs in Southern Maine :)
planning to expand from woodburning and lino prints to do more digital art stuff like enamel pins and shit like that eventually!
#i had two craft fairs back to back and one was two days buts its so fun! i meet all the nicest old woman in the craft scene#i love chatting them up cuz they see a young guy doing fairs and are like FRESH CRAFTING BLOOD!!#idk why i look like im self soothing in the top pic subconscious anxiety things 🙃 also thats my stinky bf next to me 💜#i need to start doing more fairs near portland where the actual queers are where i live in maine is....bad
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every day i choose kindness and i do it through gritted teeth
#wind howls#im going to be near unbearable these next few days bc theres a heat wave starting tomorrow/today until thursday and i will hate being alive#but i will be so nice. i will be so nice about it. not to it. i hate the weather. but i will be so nice to those around me despite it.#this sounds so dramatic but i get so depressed and upset when its too hot out like it really messes with me bad#i miss the winter. my god#i cant wait to when i start playing an eladrin. i will have a lot of time being so so so mad forever in summer form. bc i dont like summer.#can everyone pray that from july 10th and onwards it somehow gets super fresh and chilly (for summer weather) in ohio#i dont know how i will manage to sleep alongside my boyfriend otherwise. i will need a billion fans and 17 ice packs forever. ill die.#i was not built for summer i love cold i love being chilly i love layers i love soups and i love looking goofy in a big coat in the snow#sigh.........#this weather will not get the best of me but it sure is working hard at it. goodnight
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REALLY good thing i didn’t try to do laundry yesterday bc i woke up feeling almost 100% and doing laundry really got me again. still not as much pain as the first couple days but it definitely ratcheted up again lmao. but i took precautionary ibuprofen before i went to do that so it should let up soon. also first time using the new fancy washing machine which also means my clothes are gonna be a lot less linty… how refreshing
#i never have quarters for the dryer so i hang dry my stuff most of the time & the lint trap of the old machine needed to be cleaned so bad#but i couldn’t find it to do it myself#but now we have FRESH lint trap. i watched the machine for a while when it started; this thangs fill with water so weird#i kept being like ‘surely more water will come’ and it usually did but it concerned me#chatpost
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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Seeing art of kiryu and ichiban always makes my heart break one thousand times over and over again and i cant even say why
#Yakuza loveblog#like its not even that they have the same voice actor its like. ... like especially art where kiryu is taking care of ichiban or like acting#like kiryu is nine years older than ichiban thats not very much and ichi is also an old man#but like its ... like you know ... can you adopt a grown ass man#like i think kiryu has gone a little bit crazy and needs to help or protect someone like he needs someone to keep him tethered and interact#with him every day like how nishikiyama used to#did they change the way tags look on mobile again im killing (remembers that suicide jokes are bad for my psyche) you#like i just love seeing him hanging out with ichiban because thats as close to a fresh start as he can get#like he cant get close to daigo or majima and sure as hell not haruka and the rest of the kids at morning glory but like. hes hanging out#with ichi now hes part of his little friendgroup in y8 too and hes with ichi in hawaii its just so cute ...#and i see that people ship them and thats crazy to me like i usually have some sort of opinion on a ship so i think its amazing that seeing#kiryu and ichiban make out and have sex literally has no effect on me#like i dont personally ship it but seeing them together is cute ...#kiryu saw him naked on that beach <3 but so did everyone else#always thinking about how lonely kiryu is and how much of that is his fault#like at some point i think he will never change and thats fine thats the man i fell in love with and he sucks also
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For self-proclaimed leftists, some of y'all seem weirdly comfortable with telling people to kill themselves
#not about anyone here#i've legit seen like 5 different blogs today that all wished death on different problematic groups#but it's not always even problematic groups. a lot of the time it's just fans of characters or something which is even worse#if you're gonna go down that road at least do yourself the courtesy of not lying to yourself about what kinda person you really are#what was that line about facism. or how certain groups in the past exempted people from their basic rights to life with horrific results#didn't think all these young leftists would posture so bad they started regurgitating that same ideology#just with a fresh coat of 'i'm a safe space and good person i prommy uwu' paint#but here we are i guess#it's scary. are people (especially kids??) really so paranoid about being good and coming across as good#that they need to instantly wish death on anyone problematic (or anyone they THINK is problematic as in like. not liking the 'right' ships)#bc that's kinda the opposite of being a good person. it throws out and ignores one of the most fundamental rights a person can have#fascism#human rights#suibait ment cw#death ment cw#suibait ment#bullying
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