#need a fresh start so bad
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#really have to learn to not reciprocate#i can't deal with this cycle of us being closer again and then feeling like i'm the worst thing that ever happened to them#over and over#why can't you just tell me that you hate me and give me a reason to disappear#it would be easier than navigating all this shit that shouldn't even have to be my problem#i didn't sign up to be everyone's mom#but i'm too fucking nice#need a fresh start so bad#but i'm almost 30 and have nothing
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The weather this morning was pleasant and below 25ºc for the first time in months!! so we went thrifting, here are our finds!! I can't wait to style them for autumn 😊
#Nips photos#personal#SOON 🍁🍂🍁🍂#I can't wait for this summer to end#it's been a really bad one with eveything that happened I really need a fresh start I feel so stuck#autumn will fix me I tell myself#nips blogs
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Hey guys, I'd like to apologize for disappearing once again. I seem to end up self-sabotaging myself everytime I try to get back into the swing of things (attempting to do the backlog of comms + doodles, opening patreon). I've been feeling lethargic for some time now & tbh I can't help but remember my mom's situation back then before she got admitted to the hospital. I don't want to go through the same thing so I'm trying my best to pick myself up—even though it's hard. I lost my dad last 2016 then my mom this year & it's just... it's a big blow for me.
I'm sorry if I keep asking for help like this... but I've stretched our budget too thin now since I haven't been able to work on anything. If anyone would like to help, my ko-fi page is open. Any kind of help or support is very much appreciated! 🙏
I'd also like to apologize to those who subscribed to my patreon. I really thought I'd be able to just start right away & draw again like I used to after announcing it here but I thought wrong. I owe you guys a doodle + a drawing session. I can't promise to do them soon but I'll try my best!
Lastly, I've also been thinking of doing an art stream as a thanks for continuing to support me even though I haven't posted art for so long ;_; Nothing fancy, just a simple stream of me drawing on a canvas (I don't have the guts to show my face or talk I'm sorry... 🙈). Tbh it sounds overwhelming but I thought it might help me gain momentum for drawing again. Idek if I'll actually be able to do it, but it's something that's been on my mind for a while now.
I'm sorry again for all this... I'm still a mess atm & so I still keep struggling. But I'm also grateful bc many of you still choose to stay & support me despite the lack of activity. Really though, thank you, thank you so much for still being here ;_; 🙏🙏🙏
#the week after I posted abt patreon was the time I had severe menstrual cramps and I just... lost the momentum after that#even vomitted at some point bc of how bad it was#and then I received a bad news abt the apartment we're renting#caretaker of the apt. said my mom missed a couple of payments before and now I have to shoulder them#im still trying to find the receipts that my mom kept but I couldn't find them so now im just... left w/ another problem#my mood tanked after hearing abt it... was planning to move out in the future to start fresh again but bc of this im not even sure anymore#sighs. im still trying to find the receipts tho so im hoping it was just something they overlooked#im sorry again... don't really want to rely on ppl's donations anymore bc I know everyone have their own needs too#and that's hard earned money... but bc of my situation im left w/ no choice but to try to ask for help again ;_;#thank you to those who helped so far I really appreciate you all ;; 🙏
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y’all make me wanna dl build/buy cc so bad 😭
#i have almost 50gb of cas cc tho so I can’t 💔#if I ever get sick of the hollands and need to start a new save I’m deleting my mods and starting fresh#can’t keep living like this LMFAO I have cc from 2019 in my mods folder it’s bad#non sims
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sorry i havent been posting i think im burnt out rn
#ill come back around#this is a cycle i go thru often#it doesnt help that ive kinda#i guess ive just kind of grown bored of utmv?#like ok u know when your hyperfixation kinda moves to the backburner#its not GONE its just kind of going dormant#ive been thinking abt moving to a sideblog for a fresh start#because i know 99% of the people following me are doing so for my utmv art#and i kinda feel bad about. yk. not delivering lmao#and i dont think ill be delivering for a while#like. idk i just feel like i need a break from utmv. refresh my palette and all that#so. yeah i guess this is my way of saying there probably wont be much sans art for a while#sorry#skeledoodles#fallout#fo4#fo4 brainrot#fallout 4#fo4 john hancock#idk what else to tag this#i think my burnout will be less bad when i feel less pressured to draw utmv stuff#my brain needs to get up and stretch ok#i told myself from the beginning of this blog that i would create what i WANT and not whats expected of me#but ive found that it is definitely. very easy to fall into this trap lol#but i will try to create more of what i actually want to draw because thats like healthy n stuff idk
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got a new laptop on sale yayy 😎 hopefully a zoom meeting will no longer threaten to wipe out my whole machine
#32 GB RAM 1 TB SSD and new generation processor which is what i’m most excited about#the display is nicer than my current laptop (edge-to-edge makes it look way bigger than what i have)#only stuff i take issue with is touchscreen (though i don’t rly use mine anyway) and windows 11 but i can make it habitable#first order of business is wiping mcafee off the thing and making windows 11 as habitable as possible#starting fresh on this thing i’m so excited#my very first lenovo of my own for $799 plus tax!#imagine… i’m going to be writing my dissertation on this thang#thank you G-ERTI (old laptop) for your service (high school and undergrad) 🫡#7 years of use with zoom meetings almost daily my first year of undergrad is not bad indeed#i think with the 16 GB RAM it was really starting to struggle in the past year#and then sometimes it wouldn’t let me log in bc i ‘hadn’t installed a drive’#battery life wasn’t the greatest this past year or two#plus the display was starting to go too#better to start fresh knowing i will be doing things that require more memory and power#all the software i’m using now needs a more powerful machine to run it#the whole laptop is backed up to an external drive i might screw around with ubuntu on it at last when windows 10 reaches end of service#em speaks
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will you tell us more abt your fantasy world’s high elf/orcs please 👀
absolutely!!! Theyre referred as either high elves or orcs depending on where you are in the world and who youre talking to. Some people use one or the other, or use them interchangably.
Before society and sapience came along and whatnot, orcs evolved for rainforests, deserts, forests, and any ecosystem with a heavy focus on plant life (so most of them really!) and lots of sun. Very widespread. Their skin is green, or green ish, and a little waxy to the touch because they have chloroplasts. They photosynthesize, giving them extra energy. Because of that they dont need to sleep much, or even at all, depending on how much sun they've gotten! It also allows them to channel more magic via their appendix (thats the Magic organ). High elf magic users are going to be strongest during the day and a little weakened at night. In thick forests amd rainforests, they would (and some still will!) climb to the tree tops to absorb sun. Hence the name high elf.
They evolved to have tusks in order to scrape bark off trees, get cactus skin, and open cacti and tough-skinned fruits. They are able to properly digest fiber unlike most people. Though, in the modern world as society came together, their tusks are usually viewed with respect. Something to decorate and customize (they dont stop growing!), giving a kind of thanks to their tusks for historically having played a big part in their diet and survival in the past.
Speaking of diet, while they are omnivorous like all elves, they do lean more herbivorous! Many of the groups and places youll find that are orc heavy and orc-led will have an extra care and appreciation for the plants around them.
Unfortunately, I'm still workshopping the societal and cultural parts of high elves and most of my variants. I know where I want everything to end up and some overarching beats of the world, but I get caught up focusing more on speculative fantasy biology and not getting deep into how society would build up, what cultures would be made, and how it eventually all comes together in a modern fantasy setting with magic and technology together and with people from any kind of variant of person being able to be found anywhere withoit surprise, and for it not to be at all unusual to see people that dont fit neatly into any one variant label. That is a hugeee run on sentence lmao.
But ive had this fantasy world in my head for years and try to be very intentional in building a world without colonialism and implying any one variation of person is better or different or good or evil or whatever. It's all just people! I especially want to do right by orcs since tolkein's popularization of them is written as a blatent racist "barbaric" caricature of Black people. Now as I type that I realize I havent drawn any Black high elves! I should fix that. In the meantime heres a couple of orcs ive drawn in the past. Thank you for asking I Loveeee rambling about my fantasy stuff always and forever!!! I hope it's interesting!!!
#the societal and cultural building involves a lot of research too so ! its a slow crawl for me on that one haha#especially since my fantasy world is the original earth so it starts from the same bones as our earth#i frequently have to go back and redo things ive done after realizing it was really white and american centric and it needs a fresh start#the whole Thing is that a very large group of humans at some point were pushed by a few bad leaders to try and#start colonizing places. and thats when everyone else (gods and dragons. which some dragons are also gods of course. must have)#made a little pocket dimension with a smaller version of the planet to toss them into and that is our irl earth#i do Know that the largest religion in my fantasy world is islam ive had that decided for sure for years#but its not uncommon for people to mix religious leanings between more well known ones and local stuff. does that make sense#pretty common to be polytheistic#on account of there are real tangible gods you can lay your eyeballs on. it makes atheism really funny#ocs
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Hi. I'm trying to get myself back into writing but pain and suffering, lmao. May reblog my permanent starter call again- however I think I might drop my starter call stuff just because some of those have been on hold Forever.
#fawn speaks || ooc#most of the year at the very least 🤡#ill probably clean up my drafts see if i cant get a fresh start on things#tumblr has just been weird to be on is all- i want to be here but i think i need to ease myself into it#i should really stop stressing overall. i think my baggage has been catching up to me which doesnt help#i hope you guys are having happy holidays though- spending time with any loved ones#and anyone in the northern us and canada is staying warm because. h#goddamn. speaking as someone in the northern us the cold front thing is so bad- my city shut down for days#stay safe and warm everyone
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One of the best Voyager scenes to indicate Tuvok & Neelix's dynamic and how I think Tuvok is just as if not more 'annoying'(positive) than Neelix is when Neelix pours Tuvok a fresh squeezed glass of a fruit juice blend and Tuvok's like (paraphrased) "I don't want to drink this." and Neelix is like "Can you please try it?" and Tuvok's like "I don't want to, you're really bad at this sort of thing. It's going to taste bad." and Neelix says that Ensign XYZ said she LOVED it, she even had a second glass! And Tuvok says Ensign XYZ could drink poison without a second thought and Neelix is like "Tuvok could you please just TRY it? Just try a little SIP of it PLEASE??" and Tuvok sighs and rolls his eyes and sniffs it before taking a sip and it turns out he loves it. Turns out it tasted good actually. And then after all that Neelix tries to talk to him over eggs (which he's again cooking fresh for him) and Tuvok tells him he doesn't wanna hear "the life history of his breakfast." Absolutely insufferable this man I would have burned his eggs on PURPOSE!!!!
#I love Neelix so much and I think he and Tuvok are very funny together - irritating4irritating#People say 'Neelix is so pushy with Tuvok!' and you know what? I think Tuvok can handle it. I think maybe he does need to be pushed -#down a flight of stairs. (he's my favorite character and he's so annoying...TUVOK!!!!!)#Tuvok: -kicking and screaming- I don't want to drink the juice!!! It's poison!!! You're trying to poison me!!!!!!!!!#Neelix: Can you please drink the juice. The fresh squeezed juice I made for you Mr. Vulcan??? Can you please???#Tuvok: Fine but if I die it's your fault. If I die from the poison you're FORCING me to drink it's on y- Oh this is delicious actually.#and don't tell me 'Neelix didn't make it SPECIFICALLY for Tuvok' bc I know he didn't but he says#'I'll start squeezing that second glass!' after Tuvok finishes his sip so he IS freshly squeezing it#Neelix: -makes Tuvok fresh squeezed juice-#Tuvok: Are you trying to poison me???#Neelix: -talks to Tuvok while making his eggs-#Tuvok: Can you be quiet???#<- TUVOK!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU EHHEHEHEH <3#Tuvok is the most annoying guy ever bc he doesn't care about what people think and is a snob with a lowkey superiority complex#vs Neelix is perceived as annoying (post his relationship with Kes) bc he cares a lot about being useful and helping the crew and sometimes#is too pushy because of that but listen...I think Neelix is sweet and genuinely trying his best - after the Kes plotline with him ends I#really don't find him objectionable. Just chatty & a bit overbearing maybe Meanwhile Tuvok !!!#Meanwhile Tuvok!!!!!!!!! HHEHEHHE#st voyager#star trek voyager#I think they should have done more with Neelix thinking the crew of Voyager were spoiled - specifically how Tuvok acts Like That sometimes#little lord Tuvok. oH SORRY...for DEIGNING to speak while preparing your eggs your HIGHNESS!!#I think people do a disservice to Tuvok by not talking more about how he's kind of a hardass and a snob v_v also a disservice to Janeway#indirectly bc her bestie is kind of a hardass and a snob and what does that say about her??#I also wish Neelix kept up a bit of that 'these people are crazy and also so soft oh my god shut up about the food being bad - we're trying#to SURVIVE!!! Eat the Leola Root!!' from the earlier seasons...I like when he shows he has a bit of bite#It's just funny and interesting that Janeway isn't friends with Tuvok bc he's 'not like other Vulcans' - she's friends with the most#Vulcany Vulcan ever and I love that for them.#CRIMINAL that we don't ever get any in-depth insight into their friendship#Tuvok
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i feel so relaxed and happy and in love with my life knowing today was a reset day. i did my homework, took ample breaks, prayed, oiled my hair, took a warm shower, shaved, washed my hair, and am about to study some more before bed. when did i miss out on life being so simple and beautiful?
#going to start this week fresh and happy#hopefully sleep at a decent time#i’ve got 3 tests this week - 2 that i missed n need to catch up on#but i’m not going to procrastinate this time#i’m going to allocate my time properly and study and get them done#and next week i’ll do that with my other class#and the week after i’ll do it with the third#i’m going to actually attend class and pay attention and do the homework questions#read books and listen to good music#pray a lot and be grateful for what i have#i’m so thankful for everything#i thought life would never feel like this again#but it’s nice to know that giving up is temporary#life really does and will get better#it might get bad again#but it’ll always get better again#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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every day i choose kindness and i do it through gritted teeth
#wind howls#im going to be near unbearable these next few days bc theres a heat wave starting tomorrow/today until thursday and i will hate being alive#but i will be so nice. i will be so nice about it. not to it. i hate the weather. but i will be so nice to those around me despite it.#this sounds so dramatic but i get so depressed and upset when its too hot out like it really messes with me bad#i miss the winter. my god#i cant wait to when i start playing an eladrin. i will have a lot of time being so so so mad forever in summer form. bc i dont like summer.#can everyone pray that from july 10th and onwards it somehow gets super fresh and chilly (for summer weather) in ohio#i dont know how i will manage to sleep alongside my boyfriend otherwise. i will need a billion fans and 17 ice packs forever. ill die.#i was not built for summer i love cold i love being chilly i love layers i love soups and i love looking goofy in a big coat in the snow#sigh.........#this weather will not get the best of me but it sure is working hard at it. goodnight
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do NOT kill yourself. Stoked (2009) can save you.
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You ever think about graduating high school/college and instead of staying where you are, just cutting EVERYONE off, deleting socials and changing numbers, and just hauling ass out of here?
Like I want to move far away from the east coast and get a shitty studio apartment somewhere far away from here where I know no one and can just restart my life. Maybe even change my name.
It’s not like I don’t love the people in my life right now, but I just need a fresh start, a clean slate, something, anything but this.
#restart#fresh start#running away#I need this so bad for my mental health#I actually can’t handle the thought of senior year im gonna hurl
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Every time I have to settle for Wendy's over the restaurant I was planning to go to, I'm shunted into a fucking circus and my chances of escaping with a semblance of edible food is a toss up.
#and like im not gonna give them a bad review and get someone fired#so you all get to hear me gripe here#they were acting like they were slammed but i only saw like 4 orders come in the entire time i was there#they were out of bbq sauce#i just ordered a biggie bag with a plain burger#they made my burger in 5 minutes#i stood there 20 more minutes watching it get stone cold#then i think someone competent started her shift on the hour#because she noticed the time on my receipt#threw away my old burger and had fresh food out in a couple minutes#french fries do not taste good with sweet and sour sauce.#also im on a work trip so i need to keep my receipts#i made it clear at the beginning that i needed my receipt#and they were like 'we need it to fill the order can you wait' and im like ok as long as I get it#the first guy filled my order and immediately threw away my receipt#i had to ask him to fish it out of the trash because I NEED IT#and then i had to ask him twice for the drink that comes with the meal
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Look at me. LOOK at me. Old growth forests are important. Their loss is violence against the land.
BUT that isn’t a reason to point at younger, perfectly healthy closed canopy forests and claim they’re ecologically insignificant or bad. Their sparse understory is a function of closed canopy forests. Even old growth forests will have sparse understories if the canopy is closed. That’s how photosynthetic strata works.
The west coast has vastly different forests and history than the east. The rare volcanic eruption that made the giant stands of Douglas fir in the west possible would be literally impossible here. Our species are adapted for stand replacing fires set by indigenous peoples to drive deer and rejuvenate oak. Oak as a genus is dying here. We can’t set fires. We can’t harvest patches large enough to simulate a fire. Our deer are overpopulated and browse down every sprout that dares to reach for sunlight.
Making a sweeping ban on clear-cut and similarly ‘scary’ harvests would kill them for good. The restrictions on fire have nearly done that to species like Jack and pitch pine that rely heavily on fire to establish. They’ve been relegated to pine barrens and the rare sandy forest clearing. Our fire Cherry, thankfully, can last decades in the soil seedbank. You can only see them the first few decades after a large, complete harvest and then they die.
What’s good for one forest kills another. Not all trees are made ecologically equal - and that’s a very good thing. All trees and forests have their ecological value. Management of one forest is never applicable to other forests; they all have their own unique histories and communities that should be imitated when possible and left alone when not.
#ra speaks#personal#forest#forestry#I wanna agree w old growth forest folks so bad but then they turn around and say shit like ‘there is NEVER a good reason to clearcut’#babes the kirt warbler would like to argue. bitches need 10-15 ft Jack pine to nest in. they’re picky.#you ain’t getting 10-15 ft Jack pine without a large. stand replacing. disturbance.#*shaking Californians by the shoulders* THERE IS MORE FOREST TO THE WORLD THAN DOUGLAS FIR. WHY ARENT YOU PROTECTING THE CLIFFSIDE CEDARS?#we have cedars on this coast that are OLD GROWTH. nobody but weird tree ppl seem to care bc THEYRE UGLY AF AND SMALL.#that doesn’t mean they’re ���not old growth’#gosh do NOT even get me started on the semantics of old growth#and like. yeah we can’t replace old growth in the west BUT NOT BC PLANTATIONS HAVE A HARVEST SCHEDULE.#it’s because the original old growth only exists bc a VOLCANIC ERUPTION wiped out most everything else and laid a nice bed of ash#for the seedlings to establish in. id rather a shitty plantation keep a 50-60 ur harvest schedule on a single piece of land#than have them slowly chip away at literally irreplaceable trees in the name of#‘sustainable forestry’ babe there is no sustaining the western old growth. either a volcano decides to give it a fresh start or not#I hate hate hate the eternal-ness ppl have attached to forests they are not here for you they aren’t even here for species that rely on them#they’re here bc a long time ago nothing else was. they’re here bc the soil was just right. they’re here bc the people before respected that#but also understood their power to shape the landscape. and in doing so they created diversity rarely seen this far north.#sorry. it’s been a day. needed a good rant.
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