#( and everyone deserves to feel validated and appreciated ) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

atxxzist · 1 month ago

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someone worth loving | c.s

summary: everyone deserves to matter to someone, to belong in this bleak world, and to exist for a purpose... everyone but you

pairing: choi san x f!reader

genre: angst, fluff, romance, honestly idek but comfort? lots of trauma

word count: 4.9k

warnings: lots of insecurities and flashbacks, mentions of abuse, mentions of sex (the smallest), slight mention of drugs, slightly inspired by cherry 2021

a/n: idk if it might be confusing. it's a v diff style of writing i'm trying out and experimenting with. it makes more sense when you picture it like a movie lmfaoo sssfhfhfhkgd

you suppose everyone deserves to be loved--something not only exclusive to human beings.

you wish for every stray and abandoned animals in the world to find a home, somewhere to belong and to feel welcomed in the palms of their owner's hands--and that for every stray and abandoned kids to do the same--grow up to find their place in this world that with a lack of love, can turn even the strongest souls into broken pieces.

for there, love isn't just validation or appreciation--it is the knowing feeling that you matter, belong, and exist for something bigger than just yourself. and perhaps those things aren't so important for someone who's rightfully content in themself, but it might make the difference for someone who has nothing else to live for.

to matter, to belong, and to exist for a bigger purpose--everyone deserves to experience all these things, or at least deserves the chance to even if they wind up fallen in the end.

you're part of everyone, so what's with the irony that you feel you're the only one part of the demographic who doesn't deserve to be loved?

maybe the sentiment started when your mother left. your father calling her a 'fucking bitch' on her way out as the shattered vase painted the door a new dent and his screech filled the entire room before looking you in the eyes.

you were only eight years old then.

but he looked at you nonetheless. at your face and features that's a perfect mirror of your own mother--someone he now loathed with a passion, and all the scars and wounds on your body are the consequences of it.

for looking too much like her. for being your mother's daughter. for making his life harder. for simply existing.

or maybe it started with your first boyfriend. the first boy to give you real butterflies but also a broken heart.

you didn't know anything then--how to move your lips when you kissed for the first time, where to place your hands when hugging, or how to be someone worthy of being his girlfriend. you just knew you liked him.

but you were so carefree then, walking into the relationship wearing your heart on your sleeves and your soul bearing for him to see; no filter or anything, thinking that if you just be yourself, he'd like you just as much.

oh how wrong were you.

"i want to break up." you remember the day as clear as the weather that afternoon, the sun sitting high above the blue sky that was a little too harmonious while your entire world was crashing down in comparison.

"w-what? why?"

he didn't even have the courtesy to do it in person, the phone held up against your ear so tightly, you were sure he could hear the thrumming of your heart through it.

"because..."

"is it because i didn't go to that party with you last friday?"

or the friday before, and the one before that too. because you didn't like loud and crowded places or having to strike conversations with strangers. because you hated the smell of alcohol and especially how someone acted when they were under the influence.

"it doesn't matter why. i've already made up my mind," he answers almost instantly, but his voice rather calm like he must've practiced the exact response for the hundredth times.

because you weren't close with his friend group, all of them too extroverted and outgoing, you couldn't help but to feel out of place every time he brought you around.

but mainly because he finally listened to them... when they'd talk about how picky you are, how you thought you were too good for anything, and how boring you are... all while thinking you were a fool to their snarky side comments and patent dislike of you.

so it could either be your father or your first boyfriend, but it could also be your second boyfriend.

it's funny to think back to how confident you were at the time, ready to conquer love and all of its hardships, but your second relationship was a whirlwind of unexpectedness and more so because you thought you learned a lot from the previous relationship.

you were called picky so you tried to be more open-minded. went to places you usually would never go and even ate shit you knew you didn't like.

you apparently thought you were too good for anything, so you tried everything your boyfriend suggested whether small or big--so much to the point where it felt like you weren't even your own person anymore.

you were called boring so you finally went out to your first party and pretended like you belonged there for almost four hours while doing your best to act like it wasn't your very first time tasting alcohol.

you did all of that only for him to tell you that very sentence the same as your previous boyfriend did.

"i think it's best we break up."

at least he had the courtesy to say it to your face, but hell, it didn't make it any better. if anything, it was worse--the fact he was standing in front of you and there was nothing you could do to change his mind.

and when you asked him the same question you did before, it hurt even more to watch him say it in real-time.

"it just feels like you try too hard sometimes. like you're not being yourself, and i just don't know if that's someone i want to be with."

or maybe the sentiment didn't fully settle in until your third boyfriend.

the one where you thought you had it all wrong in your first relationship, which is why it lead to the doom of your second one so you made sure history wouldn't repeat itself because you really really liked him.

you were still "picky" but you also kept an open mind and never shyed away from trying new things if it made him happy.

you had your own hobbies and life outside of your boyfriend, but you were never short on showing interests or support regarding anything he did or was passionate about.

you were still boring, but went to a party once in a while and tried things just to try it, always setting your boundaries when needed and never going further than your limits.

you tried so hard to balance things out--between being too much and too little, always making sure you stayed somewhere in the middle because you really wanted it to work.

so naive of you to have thought that if you just did everything right, things would fall in place.

your last and third boyfriend made the heartbreaks of the first two relationships look like kid's play in comparison... by cheating on you.

the worst part was you never got an explanation for why he cheated--not even a mere phone call. you confronted him through texts and he broke up with you on the spot like it was your fault you caught him.

so that was that... all your failed attempts at love and why you were starting to think maybe you were just part of that small, unfortunate group of people who wouldn't ever matter in this bleak world.

you weren't someone worth loving.

"or maybe it's all of them?" san says, your gaze moving from the leaf you were playing with to perk your head up at him, both your eyes meeting.

there's your father; your first, second, and third boyfriend--then there's san.

"and why is that so?" your lashes flutter up at him as he rubs gently at your head currently resting on his leg, the night lit by the few stars peeking behind him.

"because that's just how it is, no? of course we all have our breaking point, but it's usually the result of things building up over time. for example, i didn't break up with my ex over that last event alone. we already had a ton of issues beforehand."

"so what you're saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?" you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

you met san your last year of university through a friend you shared a class with.

he had showed up in the library one evening after wooyoung, who bothered you every day in marketing class until you subconsciously gave into the growing friendship.

you thought san was quite endearing and definitely too cute, but you weren't looking for a relationship and the fact he already had a girlfriend made it easy.

the second time you met him, he no longer had a girlfriend.

you were definitely not hiding in the kitchen at the last college party you would ever attend, watching as people poured in and out of the entrance for the drinks right beside it, when you suddenly recognized a familiar face.

the light kick to his butt takes him by surprise, his reaction when turned around looks like he's about to give one back until he sees it's just you--his expression easing in response.

"hey," you greet, a coy smile on your lips. "thought you weren't gonna come. wooyoung said you'd be visiting your girlfriend."

"oh." he chuckles it off, not pained or anything. he's seemingly relaxed even uttering the following words, "i broke up with her."

you raise both your brows in shock before settling on a simple, "i'm sorry." not entirely sure what to say or do to console someone with an assuming fresh heartbreak (you were usually the one on the receiving end).

"nah, it's good," he brushes it off, everything about him right now from the way he stands and speaks with the smallest smile tells you he's not entirely sober. "she was a bitch anyway."

"you know, it's not nice to call any women a bitch," you tell him, crossing your arms.

"i'm sorry," he says, sounding like he actually means it, "i'm a bit high right now. someone offered me some pills right before i came."

you snicker at that. "i can tell."

you can't quite describe how things unfolded that night; it's strange--amusing even. you originally planned to be there for an hour only because you'd be graduating soon and had work in the morning, but you very much triggered a sequence of events when you sent that kick flying toward san's butt.

one moment you guys were in the kitchen, then the next, you're both going for a walk where he told you all about his ex-girlfriend and why he broke up with her.

"i commute to her two hours from and back every weekend, yet, she never wanna do the same for me. and then when i do get there, we either argue because she wanna go to another fucking party or be out with her friends. i know it's hypocritical to say that considering i'm here, but shit, at least i'm no longer surrounded by her and her equally obnoxious social circle."

"no, i totally understand," you assure him, both your shoulders brushing against each other's as the music from the house grows faint with each step.

"yeah, i said no more going to parties so she throws one instead. left the room after we got into an argument where she told me to go fuck myself; i finally went out after some time and find her dancing on some table like a stripper so i just straight out left in the middle of the night and drove the two hours back."

"that's horrible. and she didn't care you left?"

"not 'till the next morning at least. woke up to a bunch of texts from her asking where the hell i am and how dare i left, blah blah. i broke up with her on the spot then. i know, awful of me to do over texts but i didn't wanna deal with her any longer."

"i think you're totally in the right, though i do know firsthand how it feels to be broken up with over texts. in this case, i'd say she deserved it and i probably did, too." you contradict such a statement with a light laughter.

san slows down with his steps momentarily, turning to look you in the eyes, a small frown decorating his lips. "but you're so sweet and actually pleasant to be around."

your expanding laughter echoes through the empty street at the comment. "i mean, at one point your ex must've also been quite sweet and pleasant to be around as well if you got with her in the first place."

a quiet snicker falls from his lips, nodding his head because you do have a point. "i guess so."

one conversation turned into another, your legs started to get tired from all the circling around the block but your mouth going on and babbling nonetheless while you and san went through all the initial stages of getting to know one another in just that span of time.

from finding things you two had in common to competing in terms of who had the worse ex (spoiler: san won), everything felt so natural and seamless with him, you really couldn't help but to act impulsively that night.

"it was in my guts she was cheating because she always had flock of guys around her even when i was there so who the hell knows what she was doing when i wasn't. well... that and the fact she admitted to it out of spite when i broke up with her over texts."

a scoffing laughter bubbles from you, attempting to hide it but letting it loose when you see he finds it even funnier--the smile on his face bigger than one should be.

he adds, "the last two months of the relationship, she no longer wanted to have sex and made me felt like shit whenever i'd ask."

"i've gone a little over a year without sex. two months isn't too bad," you drop casually but regretting it almost instantly. you were trying to find a middle between consoling him and being relatable but it just comes off wrong and even dismissive.

you shake your head. "sorry, what i meant to say was--"

"no, you're good," he cuts you off, the amused look on him making you relaxed, realizing you're overreacting.

then, a short silence fall; a tension decorating the air that you've been trying to push back and deny, all of a sudden coming out of hiding in this moment.

"hey," he calls, your blinking lashes meeting his rather soft eyes, "do you wanna go back to my place tonight?"

that was all it took. all he had to do for your back to be pressed against the door of his barely lit bedroom, his hands all over you while he kissed and tugged at your lips as if he's done it for the thousandth times.

you never considered yourself one to sleep with someone you weren't in a relationship with, but you gave yourself up to san within a single night, stripping your clothes away and bearing your soul to him in the most vulnerable and personal way, and he did the same in return.

he kissed you like he meant it, touched you like he wanted you, and fucked you like he loved you.

it was a unique experience that had conflicts swirling in your chest the morning you woke up to the naked boy sleeping beside you, his toned and muscular figure a complete contrast to his serene state.

you left that morning without saying anything, not wanting to disturb his sleep and truthfully, not having much to say.

you didn't think much of what happened after. you didn't want to. you were completely fine with the fact you guys slept together once and that was it. you didn't wanna think about where you stood with san or what you guys were supposed to be because after your last relationship, you didn't think you were ready for another one until a long while.

you were also completely fine with the thought that maybe last night was san's way of coping, given he just got out of a relationship. you were okay with the possibility that you were a rebound.

so there was your father, all of your ex-boyfriends, and then san. but san wasn't like any of them--he was worse.

"so what you're saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?" you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

he shakes his head. "no, of course not. i genuinely don't know why they broke up with you at all."

he goes on to place a soft, gentle kiss on your forehead before backing up to look you in the eyes again; your heart sinking into your chest at the foreign feelings of safety and belonging.

a full day after the escapade, you got a text from an unknown number. san had managed to find you despite you initially wishing he didn't.

hey, i hope this is okay. i'm san btw 👋 we never exchanged numbers or anything so i had to ask wooyoung for yours. i'm sorry if this is a little creepy lol. i wanted to reach out soon but i wasn't sure if i should. please let me know how you're feeling and if this is okay (if it's not you can be honest). i really enjoyed our time together and i'm talking about every second of it (not just the end of the night)

the guilt you felt that day was unforgiving.

he was careful with his words and very considerate of you; the tone inbetween the lines assuring if you didn't wanna go further with this, you didn't have to.

so although there was absolutely no pressure, your impulsiveness got the best of you--a mix between trying to salvage the situation and your guilt, and having a genuine liking for san, you found the light in a rather dark void that maybe... it wouldn't be so bad.

you thought there was no harm in giving the relationship a try--that, with time, had a high chance of fizzling out just like all of your past relationships.

you thought that just like all the other men in your life, he would eventually grow tired of you... then he'd want to leave.

you thought that regardless of any predictions coming to life, you'd come out fine in the end. unscathed.

and for that, you got yourself into a position even worse than in any of your past relationships... because you learned early on that choi san was simply too good for you.

he picked up fast on what you liked and didn't like, so you never had to play pretend around him. if you didn't wanna go somewhere or do something, he always caught on and was perfectly fine doing what you'd like instead.

he encouraged you to be your own person with hobbies and a life outside of him while still being an integral part of your routine, sharing his passions and interests when he saw necessary to the relationship.

he didn't look at your scars and wounds of the past in disgust or judgement. instead, he loved to place assuring kisses on them and draw little stars over it--such gesture making your heart caved every time.

he never asked for more than what you could give--more than what he knew you were capable of, and it was a concept you were not familiar with.

it's a saturday afternoon when your hair's spread all over san's lap on the couch, both lazing around during the two days of the week you guys have time off work and even more time for each other.

it's the small moments like these that makes you feel at home. when you both can just enjoy the other's presence, and when silence speaks the loudest comfort.

you're just wasting time on instagram, scrolling endlessly when a certain video piques your interest: a slideshow and time-lapse of a couple from the very first picture they took together to the most current one--spanning over 10 years together.

"look, babe, isn't this cute?" you say, unable to help but share the excitement with san, replaying the video for him to see as the endearing smile on his lips bring one out from you as well.

without much thought, you let slip, "i wish to find a love like this." your eyes still to the screen and oblivious to the drop in san's expression.

"i love you," he suddenly says out of nowhere, your gaze moving to him immediately as your breath catches in your throat. "i love you, y/n."

for too long, you just stare at him. your words dying in your throat and all parts of your body unsure of how to respond to such a statement.

"thank you," you return quietly, trying your best to disregard the sight of san's chest deflating or the look of disappointment on his face.

you weren't familiar with someone liking you just for being you, but more so, you weren't familiar with being loved especially when you didn't try hard enough.

after all, you went into the relationship in the first place thinking it wouldn't work out.

everyone deserves to matter to someone, to belong in this bleak world, and to exist for a purpose... everyone but you.

you didn't feel like you deserved to be loved by san.

you jump at the sound of the door opening, your heart beating loudly in your chest at just his mere entrance into the apartment.

"hey baby, what's up?" he greets concernedly, happy at the sight of you but the text you sent and your current stance like a dark cloud hovering over him.

it was just a short and casual text asking him when he was gonna be home because you have to talk to him about something, but it was quite unusual and out of fashion for you.

you never bother him unless you know he's out of work.

"i'm going to japan," you break it quick and sudden, san doesn't even have the time to digest the meaning behind your words.

"japan?" he only repeats so casually, throwing his bag onto the couch before continuing, "yeah, we can go to japan."

you have to squeeze your eyes shut, a look of impatience on you that san doesn't miss. you don't wanna do it, but you have to.

"no, san. just me... permanently," you whisper the last word, your eyes to the ground because you feel you already know what his looks like.

"you don't mean--y/n, no." the switch up is fast once it hits him, going from realization to denial, pacing around the room and shaking his head. "you're not being serious."

"i'm serious."

"so what the fuck, this is it?"

you breathe an annoyed sigh, still in avoidance of his gaze. "look, i just need you to be mature about this."

"i wanna be mature about it but you've never even talked about wanting to go to japan, and now you just expect me to be fine with it?"

it was the first time you saw san truly angry, the look of helplessness and frustration that day on him like nothing you had seen before.

for once, you did the breaking up but the aftermath was nothing like you imagined. you thought you'd feel a lot better because you weren't on the receiving end this time, but you felt even worse.

it made you wondered if any of your exes felt like this. if they laid at night and thought about you. how much they hurt you and if they made the right choice--because those questions certainly kept you up many nights after leaving san's place.

"hey," you say upon the door opening, your walls already coming down at the sight of his disheveled hair and tired face, fighting the crack in your voice to even utter the following words, "it'll be quick."

there's still a couple of your things at san's place and you had asked earlier if it's okay you come over to get them. that, and that you want to say goodbye to him one last time.

he lets you in without saying anything and you head straight for the bedroom, picking up the few clothings of yours in the hamper and throwing it over your arm while he watches in silence from behind.

you definitely feel the hair raising at the back of your neck, not sure what to do or say and just trying your best to put on a show... that you're fine. that your heart isn't breaking into a million pieces at the thought of leaving him.

then you hear it: his soft, pleading voice like music to your ear that you've been missing so much for the past three days.

"please? can you please rethink this even just a little?"

you look over your shoulder to him standing at the doorway, his face and cheeks now flushed red making the incoming tears well at your eyes as you try to blink it away, turning back to stare at the hamper so he doesn't catch it.

"i know the relationship hasn't been perfect. i haven't been perfect. but if you just give me another chance i promise i'll do everything--"

he doesn't get to finish because you're full on sobbing and he's running to your side in an attempt to comfort you when really, it should be the other way around.

you shake your head, his thumbs at your cheeks and wiping away the tears as you finally look him in the eyes.

"no, don't say that. you're perfect, san," you tell him. "there's absolutely nothing about you that needs to be changed."

and it's one of the truest things you've ever said. something you should've said so long ago.

he was and is so perfect, it actually hurt... so much to the point that you started to get afraid the relationship wouldn't work out. that he'd end up being like all the other men in your life and want to leave you.

you thought if you did it first, it wouldn't be so bad.

"san," you call his name, his forehead pressed against yours and his breath ghosting the tip of your skin, "i'll be staying..."

you stop momentarily, san not saying anything almost like he knows you're not done. "and... i love you."

he smiles hearing those words and you think you can hear his heartbeat as he closes in on you to deliver a soft kiss to your lips. "i love you, too."

you always thought so much about how it feels to be loved, but never how it feels to love. that is isn't a one-way street--for someone to be loved, someone have to give that love first... and it was scary.

you liked all your ex-boyfriends, maybe even your dad as a father when your mother was still around, but you didn't love them.

"my father and all of my past relationships... i don't know which one is it, but i never felt quite the same after. like i was afraid i was just gonna keep disappointing anyone i come across," you open up, speaking your soul out to san under the dark night as the hill you're both laying on overlook the city.

“or maybe it’s all of them?” san says, your gaze moving from the leaf you were playing with to perk your head up at him, both your eyes meeting.

“and why is that so?” your lashes flutter up at him as he rubs gently at your head currently resting on his leg, the night lit by the few stars peeking behind him.

“because that’s just how it is, no? of course we all have our breaking point, but it’s usually the result of things building up over time. for example, i didn’t break up with my ex over that last event alone. we already had a ton of issues beforehand.”

“so what you’re saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?” you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

he shakes his head. “no, of course not. i genuinely don’t know why they broke up with you at all.”

he goes on to place a soft, gentle kiss on your forehead before backing up to look you in the eyes again; your heart sinking into your chest at the foreign feelings of safety and belonging.

you smile to yourself, pulling from his gaze and back to the leaf in your hand. "i appreciate such compliment."

because to love is to give a part of yourself to another person, and when they break that love, they break a part of you. you were so afraid of being broken again, you reserved that part even when san was willing to give himself up as a whole--and for that, you are so thankful.

whether you were being picky, snobby, or boring, he loved you through all of it. through all your scars and wounds and everything that came before him, he still loved and loves you.

he finds you worth loving even when you don't, and makes you feel like you matter to someone for once. that you're gonna belong and exist for something much bigger, and you hope your love in return does the same for him.

#me coming back like nothing #but anyway #ateez smut #san smut #ateez angst #san angst #ateez x reader #san x reader #choi san x reader #ateez imagines #san imagines

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loveabunbun · 1 month ago

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; CAMBOY!WOOYOUNG 🦊 & CAMBOY!BEOMGYU 🧸 hard thoughts . . .

— includes; starting out, streaming routines, audience interactions, where you come in, and favourite kinks 🤍.

— cw; pornstar au, sex worker reader (wy), dom top amab reader (could be seen as strap), sub bottom woo, sub bottom gyu, brat tamer reader, light bd/sm, uhh specifics under the cut.

; STARTING OUT

— camboy!wooyoung

woo was no stranger to, well, strangers. one too many guys on grindr told him he could sell his nudes. and so he did. first it was pictures, then it was selling short audio clips and videos of him spilling on his soft stomach, then came the longer productions: lighting, camera angles, and action plans. welp. the money came rolling in fast. he doesn't bother hiding his trade much, it's fun and he's sexy. not hurting anybody! also,, i said action plan, but there's not really a plan — wooyoung started with his physical desires leading the way, and they haven't betrayed him yet!

— camboy!beomgyu

def started in uni. he's tall and hot, not to mention extremely charming, but hookups didn't really work out for him. instead of getting validation from randoms on a dating app, why not get validation, and money, from anonymous randoms on a porn website? (🤓☝🏻 <- how he felt explaining the logic to his friends). took a couple of months for him to get a dedicated audience going because he's not very consistent… but it’s an incredibly welcome surprise for his fans when they get the alert for a late-night live. caters to quite a niche audience due to the way he prefers to run things.

; STREAMING ROUTINES

— camboy!wooyoung

literally born to do this i'm not joking. it makes him feel good, confidence overflowing as the comments and cash roll in. likes to tease real bad: feels himself up when the camera starts rolling & rarely begins fully clothed — there’s always a sliver of skin to entice. his viewers fall right into his claws, hoping to see more of his beauty marks. obviously wooyoung loves keeping them on their toes: muses about his day, complaints about the coworkers from his primary job, or other noteable life events.

does all of this while either stroking himself, or perched on a vibe and slowly rolling his hips. it's his favourite way to wind down. just when they start losing patience, he's whimpering and shaking as his orgasm catches him off-guard. although they appreciate woo sharing about himself, moan-ridden and all, their entitled grumbling quickly turns into applause. and that is just the warm-up. he locks in after the first and really gets down to business, with the audience commanding his full attention.

— camboy!beomgyu

was incredibly shy at the start of his camboy streaming n didn’t even show his face for a while, until he put more effort into his chosen platform and security. even with his humble loyal fan base, beomgyu is still timid minutes in, but as the comments flow — calling him handsome, praising his soft skin and his strong, defined muscles — his confidence grows.

teases himself for a bit, knowing the audience likes it when he gets worked up. blessed with a naturally deep voice, gyu’s whines of pleasure gets the audience emptying out their pockets liberally. but he doesn’t play around too much since everyone knows what he’s there for (himself). yet while he gives in to his needs pretty quickly, beomgyu can go for a long time! switches up positions and toys often in one stream, so there's plenty of content for his starved fans. gets so sleepy and lethargic after he's put his body to the test, makes his viewers wanna baby him. takes care of himself with a well-deserved shower and nap.

; AUDIENCE INTERACTIONS?

— camboy!wooyoung; PLENTY

woo can put on a show, oh my god. has hella fun getting requests and fulfilling them (thinking of those tiktok lives and emotes,,). his audience always returns because, on top of being dastardly sexy, wooyoung knows how to handle the crowd. face the other way? bounce faster? take this off and put that on? on good days, he plays along well. his favourites get a little daring with their wishes and money when they notice his generous mood (the chances of success are zero if you never try). other days, he holds the cards. and his prices are not low.

— camboy!beomgyu; SPARINGLY

as said, beomie prioritises himself and his own needs. the money comes later. that's not to say the correct amt won't push him out his comfort zone... as his fanbase gets bigger and it's harder to maintain 'close' relations and remember usernames, the veil between them gets thicker. he's also reminded camming was always temporary employment. nonetheless, beomgyu also knows how to perform, and that always keeps them coming back. even if they didn't, he's more than happy with you alone. speaking of you...

; WHERE YOU COME IN

— camboy!wooyoung; COWORKER

you also make explicit content and have definitely seen his before. got in contact through a mutual friend who knew of your side hustles and suggested a collab off-handedly. so the first time you met was over a drink at a bar to sus out the vibes and determine compatibility. you quickly learnt that the talkative cutie was hilarious, and charismatic too. his apartment was the next location, a surprise for both your viewers. maybe it was watching him spit on your dick and deepthroat you with sparkling eyes, or his sweet offer to stay the night after the camera switched off but you were whipped.

— camboy!beomgyu; CAMERAMAN

you were friends first. good friends actually. you knew about his side hustle from basically the start (one of the friends responding with -> 😯��) but never mentioned it unless he did first. doesn’t mean you weren’t curious tho… at some point, you ended up stumbling across his account. and like any person with functioning eyes n ears, just couldn't swipe away. you eventually confessed and beomgyu, after his mortification passed, went "oh! my tripod broke recently! and i know you're broke." it was good money fr. soon enough, you were streaming your bestie impaled on your fat cock and moaning for you instead of some shitty toy (his plan all along ♡).

; FAVOURITE KINKS

— camboy!wooyoung

brat taming. the Brat. like i said, he knows how to tease. you, especially. you’re an open book to woo and he takes advantage: responding to your polite requests with snark or sarcasm; embarrassing you to his (and yours!) viewers (or ‘discouraging the competition’, but jokes on him bc everyone loves a hot loser); just being vexing in general. and you’re patient! but not that much. you know he does it for your attention, and you’re more than happy to give it to him. punishments cover impact play, sensory deprivation, and plain old orgasm-denial the worst one iho. maybe all three. often you’ll let the audience choose. they’re meaner than you are ;)

role-playing. LOVES a cheeky little scene. anything with clear power dynamics: professor/student, doctor/patient, police officer/offender, supervisor/intern, even owner/pet. watching you get into character kinda reminds him of the first time you met and introduces him to another side of you. it's also just hella fun. the viewers get a kick out of your improv and enjoy being involved in the world-building. favourite scenarios are definitely recycled.

size queen. wooyoung loves to get stuffed. swallows your dick like he was made for it, and i'm not just talking about his mouth. his ass could be designated a black hole if you didn't know any better lmfao. beads, plugs, beaded plugs… he's taken them all. gets sooo fucked out and moans so pretty when he's filled to the brim. once got sent a dragon didlo n had one of the best nights of his life. it’s his most viewed live and many people have asked for a recreation. this time they wanna see how far woo can stretch with you in the picture…

manhandling. push him around. throw him around. pls. even non-sexual occasions where you pick him up and toss him onto a surface, woo is alr opening his legs and ready to let you do as you please. really likes chokeholds where your arm is wrapped around his throat and holding him against you when you fuck. pin his legs open when he’s being a brat or keep him still when he tries to squirm away from the pleasure, tears in his eyes and moaning like a girl. he can take it.

praise kink. woo likes to act like he doesn't care abt what others think and pushes that narrative constantly. bc, shit, haters are gonna hate and in a vulnerable industry like sex work where depravity runs high, he protects himself. but who's gonna protect him? 🫵🏾. tell him he's perfect, tell him yk how hard he works and how much you appreciate him for all of him, for his authenticity in everything he does. he doesn’t need/want it often during sex but it’s a guaranteed way to make him fall apart below you ♡.

— camboy!beomgyu

soft dominance. beomgyu's more often than not pulling your strings bc he likes riling you up. but it's never really that deep for you, hence no punishments. he gets off with a slap on the wrist, a.k.a. being tossed around a bit more, spoken to a little more harshly, fucked a touch harder. s'not long before he's crying and begging you to be nicer. so spoilt. sometimes you leave it up to the viewers if they think he's learnt his lesson. usually it’s not until he's drooling & incoherent, and can only think of you. they rarely get to see him in such a mess and he gets off to the humiliation.

soft sex. most of the time. his intentions for recording are for a relaxing time: gyu hates feeling rushed and likes to take things at his own pace. prefers it when you fuck slow, but not too slow, and deep. hard thrusts where it feels like he’s drowning in ecstasy really make him lose his mind. soft kisses on his face, back, shoulder, chest, ankles, whatever's close enough to your lips when you're inside him, balance out the firm snap of your hips perfectly. orgasms the hardest like this, shaking and gushing copious amounts of cum all over himself with how full both his heart and his ass is.

pet play. duh. will sometimes put on the puppy or bear ear headbands his viewers send. he’s down to play the part, esp if there's a matching plug! beomgyu really ups his game when you're involved, panting, grunting, and growling in your ear as you make him feel good. enjoys his pet names (puppy, pup, beomie bear, teddy, etc.). fucking LOVES getting mounted, like 'ass-up-face-down-your-full-body-weight-pounding-him-into-the-bed-like-dogs' mounted. he'd never admit it (doesn't need to w the way his dick leaks) but submitting to you in this way turns him on so fucking much. and confirms the love and trust he has in you as his friend turned lover. his viewers EAT. IT. UP.

marking. goes hand in hand with the pet play. likes when you leave a couple of bite marks and bruises on his body. he loves the sight of the dark marks against his pale skin; something like the dragon tainting the prince(ss) in his tower. the marks also remind his viewers that he's spoken for, esp during solo shoots. likes pressing on them and feeling the burn, or running a finger over their edges in recollection. even in the moment, he fucks heavy with the idea of you claiming him and him claiming you too (biiig biter).

phone sex. when the camera isn’t on, and there’s distance between you, gyu’s calling late at night bc he misses you. both his body and his mind. sometimes he’s ranting, sometimes he’s bragging, other times he just needs to hear your voice. after conversing he craves more, a physical connection. you’re the same. direct his thoughts and tell him where to touch, let him hear how he makes you feel too: hot and wet. always on his best behaviour for these calls, like a love-sick puppy. get back to his side quick, okay?

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bloomzone · 4 months ago

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skincare mindset ?

So what if your skin has breakouts? So what if someone points it out? Your beauty, confidence, and power don’t disappear because of acne !Real beauty isn’t about perfectionit’s about being you .

You are strong enough to face the world, with or without clear skin. Keep showing up, keep taking care of yourself, and keep loving the person you are beyond the surface. Because u exactly as you are are already enough.

There will be days when your skin feels like a battle, when you avoid mirrors, when you wonder if people are staring. But listen your skin is not your enemy. It is healing, growing, and protecting you every single day. Instead of criticizing it, start appreciating it.

Every small act of care washing your face, applying moisturizer, choosing not to pick is a step forward. Even if progress feels slow, u are healing pooks

And to those who mock, judge, or act superior because they don’t have acne their words do not define you. Their validation is not needed. You don’t owe anyone “perfect” skin to be worthy of respect, love, or confidence.

Walk into every room knowing that you are enough, exactly as you are. Your skin is a part of you, but it does not define your beauty or your power.

also it's easy to feel discouraged when someone with flawless skin claims they only use water or some 1k dollars products but your skin has different needs and that’s okay and you are not forced to buy flipping shh that y'know damn it's just aesthetic . Instead of chasing quick fixes , build a routine that works for you.

Start with the basics and go to a parapharmacie and ask about what is right for u : a gentle cleanser to remove dirt and oil, a moisturizer to keep your skin hydrated, and sunscreen to protect it. acne ? add products that support healing, like niacinamide, salicylic acid, or a soothing toner there is no shame in googling ur needs and know the acids that ur skin need to feel calmer and healthier. But remember less is more. Overloading your skin with too many products won’t speed up results it might just make things worse.

The problem arises when tiktok viral skincare “cures” are presented as quick fixes, and many users expect instant results, leading to impatience. This unrealistic expectation can cause frustration when results aren’t immediate, and people begin to doubt their routine or skip essential steps . Worse, influencers might promote products that don’t align with their actual skin type or needs, leading to confusion among followers who are still figuring out their own skin.

Filters and editing apps only add to the distortion. Everyone looks flawless in the perfect lighting or when skin is digitally smoothed. This creates an unrealistic standard that makes those with natural skin feel less than. It’s hard to focus on what’s healthy when your feed is filled with “perfect” skin, and everyone seems to have found the one magic mask or whatever..

In reality, skincare is a long-term journey, and no product or trend will work for everyone. What works for someone else may irritate your skin or give no results at all. The constant influx of trends makes us forget that our skin isn’t a trend to be followed it’s a unique part of our body that deserves patience, self-care, and a personalized routine.

Be cautious of what you see online and take advice with a grain of salt. Don’t let any social media platform pressure you into thinking your skin isn’t good enough because it doesn’t match the “perfect” standards set by influencer Not because you don’t use high-end products like La Mer, glowrecipe, or drunk elephant means you’re failing at skincare. Your skin’s journey is your own and it’s okay if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s .

Don’t fall into the trap of quick fixes or comparisons. Instead, remember that every step you take in your skincare routine is a chance to show yourself love, to slow down and care for your body. u are worthy of care

with love @bloomzone

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azaharinflames · 3 months ago

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Listen, putting aside the main topics for the episode (Eddie was a decent father again, thank God; Hen, baby, you deserve so much better)... I just want to say I am annoyed.

Because, well, I honestly have a theory on why they're doing this, but the way Buck has been treated this whole season, but especially since breaking up with Tommy, deeply annoys me.

They keep pushing him aside. Keep invalidating his feelings. Keep diminishing them. Keep using him as the butt of the joke, keep putting him in a position where he is alone. And I know this might seem like an exaggeration and that in this episode it was mostly played for laughs, but this has been an ongoing thing, and it annoys me.

Now. For my delulu time.

I think this is the show's not-so-clever way of showing how unbalanced Buck's life can be without Tommy in it. How Buck needs someone in his corner, someone who will listen to him and validate him the way Tommy did through all of 805.

In a way, this feels almost like a continuation of what was introduced in 805, except showing us the other end of the spectrum. Making a point that it is Tommy the one to take care of Buck after he's taken care of everyone (see also: 811), that it is Tommy the one to listen to his rambles and actually listen to them, that it is Tommy the one Buck can go to at the end of the day.

Again. Might be me seeing things. But I also think the show is not exactly subtle in this, and this is a way for the audience to 1. miss Tommy and 2. deeply appreciate once he comes back and he listens to Buck, and acts in the way we all want someone to act for Buck.

I guess what I'm trying to say, with my clown shoes on, is that the show is indirectly showing us just how much Tommy is Buck's person.

#bucktommy #tevan #tommy kinard #evan buckley #and listen perhaps i am this frustrated because found family is my favorite trope #and 911 used to do it SO well #but i feel like they've just stopped doing it #i thought they'd go back to it after i saw the dinner stills but my god #anyway im a buck girlie at the end of the day and this annoyed me #sorry about subjecting you all to my yapping #911 spoilers

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were-all-idjits-here · 6 months ago

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TFW Realizing You're Not Doing Well/Falling into Burnout Headcanons

Gender neutral reader Warnings: reader is struggling with mental health/burnout, but nothing is described other than that. A/N: Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated. My masterlist can be found here. Enjoy!

Sam

Even though Sam isn’t as outspoken as his brother, he’s silently very attentive and protective of you. When you start acting off and have more low energy than you usually do at some times and are more explosive at others, he immediately takes notice.

He doesn’t want to intrude on your space if that’s what you need, but he won’t let you avoid everyone and try to muscle through it yourself out of fear of being a burden.

If you’re the type to throw yourself into hunting in an attempt to just have a one-track mind and numb everything else out, Sam does his best to intercept before you get to your boiling point.

He approaches you very gently, making sure you feel validated, understood, and appreciated and lets you know that, in his eyes, you’ve more than earned a break from everything. The hunting life is a lot and couple that with anything else you’ve got going on, it makes sense that it’s all overwhelming.

He suggests a trip, just you and him—or he’ll even help you plan and book and solo trip if you’d prefer—so you can decompress without worrying about anything.

Normally, the Winchesters don’t go for nicer hotels, but Sam insists you deserve to be pampered: free continental breakfast, a cleaning lady coming in daily, a laundry service—he’s even signed you up for this place’s special program that gets you discounts and extra perks (all under a fake name, of course).

At first, you’re worried about how the others will handle everything without you (or the two of you, if Sam goes with you), but Sam and the others assure you that they’re well-prepared, have plenty of other hunters on standby, and will call you if there’s a true emergency where they need your help.

Sam reassures you constantly that yes, this feeling will get better and to take as long of a break as you need. When you joke that you feel like you need a whole year at least, he says, “how about we start with a month?”

He’s of course also around to take care of anything that you don’t have the mental energy for right now—helping you make phone calls, talking to people, helping you make lists and plotting things out in order of importance when you’re overwhelmed, and is so ready to pamper you, it almost makes you happy cry.

When you come back from your trip, if you feel you need more decompression time, Sam is more than happy to let you just hang around Bobby’s house, the bunker, even hold the fort down in the motel room as you travel around with them and become the designated research person they call if you’re up for it.

He of course loves his research, so he’s searching up everything he can on burnout, mental health, what helps, hobbies that can relax you while also keeping your mind from drifting into dark thoughts, coping strategies, ways to best regulate with your mental illness or neurodivergence, etc. He doesn’t want to overwhelm you, so gently introduces these things one by one and will never shame you if his suggestion is something you’ve previously tried that didn’t work or just immediately puts a bad taste in your mouth.

Overall, he’s very vocal about being committed to doing whatever it takes to help you feel better and will always be there to remind you of things that have proven to help you, hand you medications or stim toys as needed, and help make sure you’re taken care of.

Dean

Although he’s a bit louder than his brother, Dean isn’t as in tune with or good at talking about emotions. But he can immediately clock that you’re not your usual self.

He hates when someone else tries to push him to talk before he’s ready, so takes a while to quietly observe from the background, doing little things here and there to make your life easier without saying anything.

You mentioned your side of the motel room is a mess and you’re dreading putting it back all nice and neat in your bag? Already done next time you step into the motel room—and your bag is even put back together the exact way you like it.

Need your comfort food? Oh, what a coincidence, Dean just happened to be heading towards a restaurant/shop/store that he knows has it and he’ll get a bunch for you.

Need a minute to just breathe mid-hunt? Well, he doesn’t know about you, but he’s really craving some caffeine and there was a nice, quiet coffee shop just down the street where you two can sit and look over the case details (of course, you don’t really look over anything once you’re there and he doesn’t push you to).

Eventually, the signs of you being constantly dysregulated and burned out are too much for even him to ignore. He’s a bit more blunt in his delivery than Sam, but echoes the same sentiments that you’ve had a lot to deal with recently and it’s understandable that you just need a break—from everyone and everything, and he has the perfect solution: a camping trip.

If you’ve never been camping, he’s happy to show you the ropes and insists that being surrounded by nature with no one around for miles will help reset anyone’s brain. Whether you go full-blown camper and stay in a tent or pick one of John or Bobby’s old hunting cabins for more amenities and plumbing is up to you. But you’re not gonna worry about a single thing the entire time: he’s got all planned out with Sam, Cas, and the other hunters in their inner circle where they’ll be okay without the two of you for a few weeks.

Although he’s not as verbally lovey and blurting as many verbal reassurances as his brother, you still find him doing things for you before you can even vocalize they need to be done, making you realize just how much he’s been paying attention to you, how you like things, what you have to do to feel comfortable, etc.

Whether it’s over an open campfire or a cabin cooktop, he’s also making you some of the best meals you’ve ever had, letting you suggest whatever you want. The menu is completely up to you.

He tries to stay upbeat for you and seems like he’s also excited to take a break too. Things like walking into the room, slapping and rubbing his hands together and saying, “so, what are we thinking for today?”

He also gets a little more touchy than usual during this time. I’m a big believe that Dean is a huge physical touch person and that’s his main form of communicating his love for you anyway: but now there are so many more massages, rubbing your arm, squeezing your hand, random kisses, and just doing whatever he can physically to make sure you’re good to go.

Similar to Sam, if you return from your trip and feel you still need some time, he’s happy to accommodate you in any way—no matter where you need to stay, how little you need to do, he’s got all of it handled.

He’s not the researcher his brother is, but we’ve seen him struggle before and I strongly feel he’s neurodivergent, so I feel he’d be really good at helping you navigate that and showing you things to calm you down based on his own experiences—especially if you’re the type that needs to just blow off some steam sometimes, like him. He’s more than happy to take you ax/knife throwing, spar with you, take you to the shooting range, etc.

He does throw in an occasional verbal “you’ve got this/you’re doing great,” but shows you much more with his actions—but makes sure his actions are still loud enough to translate loud and clear that you’re very, very loved.

Castiel

Depending on where Cas is in his journey, he’s still getting the hang of understanding humans, but he can clearly see you’re not acting like your usual self.

Being the blunt angel he is, he immediately starts asking you questions about it, trying to understand what’s going on and why. His delivery will be gentler the longer he’s a part of Team Free Will, but either way, you can tell he’s genuinely curious versus asking to try and shame you.

If explaining everything going on is too much for you to handle, Sam and Dean will gladly take over and explain human burnout/mental health issues to him.

Cas is at first very sad you’re having this experience and again, the brothers have to explain to him this isn’t something he can heal with his powers—which makes him even sadder and even more determined to help you.

He requests Sam’s help researching exactly how what you’re going through feels, what could help, and how to show someone you care. Sam gets him started, but he then continues researching on his own until he’s fairly certain he can at least empathize.

He may get it wrong a few times in the beginning, but always tries his best, bringing you little flowers and trinkets to brighten up your day at first before teaching himself some breathing techniques and coping strategies so he can then teach them to you.

If you need to go off somewhere, he of course offers to teleport you anywhere in the world you want to go. His suggestion is a remote Airbnb up in the mountains (he’s fascinated by how willing some of the bears are to get close to humans and even tries to have a conversation with one—then is scandalized when it tries to break into someone’s car to find food). Sometimes he disappears and reappears later with delicious takeout if you’re not up for cooking and is always ready and willing to help you with any chores that need to be done.

If you still need more time after your mountain trip, he’s constantly teleporting to visit you and always brings gifts with him. If stim toys help you, you suddenly have multiple boxes full of so many and have no idea where he got them all.

He eventually tries to clumsily confess to you that he just cares about you deeply and wants you to feel better and be happy again, and feels bad that he can’t just angel-power your pain away. He tells you how he thinks you’re an amazing, brilliant person that he feels so grateful to know and that you won’t always feel this way and deserve to feel better.

He’s a bit shy with physical touch, but will always reciprocate if you initiate.

He reiterates multiple times that he’s here for whatever you need. All you have to do is ask and he’ll be so happy to do/get it for you because to him, you’re his family.

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ghostlyfleur · 1 year ago

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i very much love the idea of steve with a shy! girlfriend because he is SUCH a caretaker and loves to look after her. i feel like he is also casually dominant in their relationship - he always has a protective hand on her, speaks for her when she’s overwhelmed, knows her triggers… and god forbid anyone say anything about his girl. i just think he would thrive in a relationship where he feels as though he is protecting her and serving a “greater purpose” does that make sense?

makes total sense, love! i’m painfully shy, so i get it.

steve is such a protective person, he loves so hard and he cares so much, so as soon as you met him you gravitated towards his dominant, caring nature… the way he’s almost parental, how perceptive he is to your feelings, how accepting of your shyness he is— he finds it endearing really!

so you become friends fast and fall for each other faster, and steve is always looking for ways to make your life easier and happier and brighter, to shower you with love and attention, and it flusters you so badly! steve loves how giggly you get when he’s extra sweet to you, trying to hide your pretty face from him, and he lives to see you smile. he’s so in love. fully believes you two are soulmates.

your stevie dotes on you and spoils you the way he knows you like and peppers kisses all over you and is so affectionate, doesn’t allow you to doubt your relationship or his love for you for even a second, he orders for you because he knows that’s something that gives you anxiety, he viciously defends you if someone is rude, he helps you get out of your shell as much as you’re comfy with, always tells you how proud he is of you and praises you. stevie is just so happy that he finally found his person, and that you love/spoil/adore/appreciate him just as much as he does you, that you praise him and hold him and love on him just as much as he does you. you’re his perfect match, his favorite person in the whole world, his angel. you two are definitely both touch starved for the other — you because you’ve perhaps never had romantic validation before given how shy and reserved and introverted you are, and steve because he’s never had someone that truly loves and appreciates him and isn’t using him to pass the time or for sex — so you’re both clingy and touchy and so unbelievably happy to be together, y’know? like you truly found your perfect match and there’s no fear of coming on too strong or of showing too much affection or being too needy, you’re both just right for each other.

oh! and everyone in town knows you’re steve’s girl and that he’s totally whipped for his girl, anyone interested in him is so jealous of you because steve only has eyes for you and let’s be honest he’s the perfect boyfriend blueprint to you.

steve finally receiving the love he deserves from his shy! gf and the two being so good and perfect for each other 😌

#fairy writes #boyfriend!steve harrington #lovesick!steve harrington #steve harrington #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington thoughts #shy!reader #anxious!reader #soft dom!steve harrington

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signanothername · 6 months ago

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Hey, so i saw your answered asks about how you portray platonic relationships as just as deep and valuable as romantic relationships, and I just want to say I really appreciate it.

As a cupioromantic, though I do really desire a relationship like that it has only ever been because there's so much more that is societally acceptable to do with a partner than a friend. I want to hug my bestie more often, hold hands with them all the time and give them kisses. I want to say 'I love you' to them and have everyone understand that it is strictly platonic. But unfortunately that isn't how the world works. (As emphasis, I even got bullied off of reddit once pretty much because I made a post about getting a gf and everyone kept telling me that I wasn't actually aro)

I honestly don't even know what I'm saying anymore. It's not like you drawing skeletons being hyperaffectionate without sexiness or romance involved will change the world. But it has certainly changed mine. I feel more comfortable and validated in my identity than ever before. I just want to say thank you for that.

(You don't have to respond btw, I understand it might be awkward. I just really need to get this out. Sorry-)

Ah yes, the world continues to be arophopic and people being rude and making assumption about relationships that doesn’t concern them as per usual 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Idk what’s hard about looking at two people being extremely affectionate and instead of thinking “wow they’re romantically involved” they think “wow they have a happy relationship whatever it may be”, it’s not that hard not to make assumptions and accept something as ambiguous until it’s explicitly stated

But alas, the human nature continues to not surprise me with its usual insensitivity

I’m sorry you had to endure that bullshit, you absolutely are a valid Aro and you absolutely can be in a relationship and still be Aro, never let anyone tell you otherwise <3

Not all Aros want to stay alone in a house, having a stable connection with someone, wanting to grow old with someone, isn’t inherently romantic in nature, and you can absolutely desire that stable connection and still be Aro af

But I’m genuinely glad my portrayal of these skelles made you feel validated, you deserve to feel validated <3333

Here’s some more affectionate skelles for you <333

#nah dw not awkward at all #this put a big smile on my face <3333 #anothers ask #anothers art #swap sans #dream sans #error sans #geno sans #nightmare sans

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ofironandivory · 1 month ago

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Shout-out to my darling proselfshippers who...

❤️ Have popular F/Os. Whether you're non-sharing and have to deal with constantly dodging posts that make you uncomfortable, or if you're fine sharing and love being able to see your F/O everywhere, always remember that they love you more than everything else

🐇 Have obscure F/Os. You've crossed paths for a reason, the universe brought you together because it knows that you were made to be by each other's side. Your F/O appreciates all your love, attention and dedication

❤️ Have F/Os that are seen as overly serious by the fandom. Your F/O will always be comfortable opening up to you and letting you see their vulnerable and even sillier sides, that others don't ever get to see. They trust you with their heart and soul

🐇 Have F/Os who got turned into memes. When the playfulness gets tiresome or annoying, your F/O is thankful to have someone who takes them seriously and genuinely cares about what they have to say. You're a beacon of comfort and safety for them

❤️ Have aphantasia or a hard time trying to imagine things in general. No matter how your mind may portray your F/O and the relationship surrounding the two of you, your F/O will always do their best to make sure you feel as loved and cared for as they possibly can

🐇 Have taboo relationships with their F/Os. Fiction is boundless and there's no real harm to your dynamic with your F/O, no matter what it may be. Even if you never feel like sharing your darker thoughts about your relationship, remember that there's a unique beauty within it that deserves to be admired by you and your F/O

❤️ Are underrepresented by the community. Fat, chubby, muscular, underweight, etc bodies are all beautiful in their own ways! Disabled folk, regardless of how visible your disability is, deserve to be seen and heard! Queer folk and their experiences are valid and treasured! Your F/O will always find you perfect, just the way you are

🐇 Are older than most members of the community. There's no age limit to happiness and fun, selfshipping is for everyone! Your F/O will happily walk beside you through each step of your life, from childhood until death, they're yours if you'll have them

❤️ Your experience with selfshipping and your relationship with your F/Os is yours to explore and enjoy, in any way that may bring you joy! As long as no real people are hurt, fiction is your ultimate place of exploration and freedom, you deserve to enjoy it!

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bekolxeram · 11 months ago

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I'm usually very block happy, but sometimes a couple of hot takes from the opposite side of the fandom manage to slip through. I'm no saint, I admit I do get quite worked up at first, but after some time, I realize they give me new perspectives to scenes I've watched countless times and discover things I didn't pick up before. So this one is for all of you, staunch Tommy haters, thank you for enriching my viewing experience.

In 7x04, when Tommy goes to Buck's loft to talk things out, this line gives some people the ick, because it echoes what Taylor said in 5x05. In that episode, Buck thought his team was off because they blamed him for Chimney leaving. He talked to Taylor about it, she shared her own experience with her boss being sulky around her, and it turned out her boss was just in a lot of physical pain, she ended the conversation with "maybe not everything is about you". While what she said was absolutely right, and she made an effort to make Buck feel appreciated at the end of the episode, but I can also see Buck not feeling supported emotionally at the time the conversation occurred. In a fashion true to her profession, Taylor delivered it in a very blunt, direct and advisory way. Her being right did not cancel out Buck feeling insecure about everyone acting weird around him and him not knowing why.

What Tommy says here though, is in a a completely different context.

Before all of this, Tommy has already reassured Buck that he's not trying to replace him, that his place in Eddie and Christopher's life is irreplaceable.

Look at Buck's smile, he's apparently in a better mood than before. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

So going in this next part, Buck is more receptive to what he frankly needs to hear: Eddie isn't hanging out with Tommy because Buck did something wrong, he just enjoys Tommy's company.

We've witnessed Buck's growth over 7 seasons, now he can recognize that getting jealous easily is one of his character flaws, he tends to overthink and make other's action personal when he's feeling insecure in a relationship. He's telling Tommy this probably to signal that he understands he messed up and he understands what he did wrong. He never expected Tommy to validate his feelings.

But Tommy does empathize with his predicament.

Buck doesn't understand what Tommy, the cool, confident (and hot) pilot would be jealous over. And he almost can't believe Tommy gets what he's been feeling.

Tommy tells Buck that he's envious of the ride-or-die familial bonds within the 118 nowadays, as if he didn't also put his career and life in danger just to save Athena and Bobby (probably Hen's career as well), after one phone call from Chimney.

Now it's Buck's turn to reassure Tommy.

Another hot take I've seen from the other side goes like "if Tommy was nicer to Hen and Chimney back in the days, he wouldn't have to be jealous over what the 118 has now". You know what? Judging by Tommy's face here, he probably would agree. This is not the face of a man who is proud of what he did. This is the face of a man who is burdened by guilt and regret, this is a man haunted by his past, this is a man who doesn't think he deserves the praise.

Buck even cites fake mouth static as an example of Tommy's effort in aiding the 118's clandestine rescue mission, and they naturally fall into a flirty dynamic. I have no explanation for that, except, your honor, this is exhibit A against the "no chemistry" allegation.

Buck then spells it all out for Tommy that he also put everything on the line just for the 118, without hesitation. Tommy looks like he still has a hard time accepting it as an act worthy of redemption for his past behavior.

We've all made mistakes, and we all know we can't go back to the past and change what we did, so the best way forward is to change ourselves and be better. Judging by Tommy's "and [Gerrard] didn't make me a better person" line in 7x10, he quite possibly reflected on this a lot. Yet, sometimes you still can't help but doubt yourself over if you've learned enough from your past, if you're a good enough person now. I can't imagine how good it feels hearing Buck say out loud that he actually likes the person Tommy is now.

Apparently Buck likes Tommy so much that he came up with excuses just to hang out with him and get to know him.

Tommy is pleasantly surprised, because he did tell Buck to call him when he wants to go up. In fact, Buck can call him for whatever reason, Tommy accepted the Harbor tour request, there's nothing indicating that he would feel weird just hanging out with Buck. Tommy just doesn't know how much of a overthinker and bi disaster Buck truly is yet, but that's the story for another time.

Buck and Tommy really don't know much, if anything, about each other at this stage, as you can see in 7x05, but they're already validating each other's feelings. We've seen Buck get his feelings ignored, hurt, dismissed and kind of fetishized for 6 seasons, now this is something he's been looking for the whole time, for someone to understand what he's going through. At the same time, this interaction must also be quite freeing for Tommy, who's been haunted by demons from his own past.

#bucktommy #tommy kinard #evan buckley #tevan #kinley #911 abc #scene breakdown #scene analysis

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my-quirk-is-fred · 2 months ago

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My take on the male loneliness epidemic:

It’s real, but not only is it not what people believe it to be, but it’s also not actually treated accurately by those that claim they are affected by it.

The cause of the epidemic is not one thing, not one factor, but a multitude of reasons that even men refuse to acknowledge and consider.

Whenever I see a man (and in some cases women), usually right leaning or incel-like, go on a tangent about the epidemic, it usually comes down to how they cannot get female strangers specifically to validate them. Seriously. There are men who complain about how women don’t appreciate or trust them (ex: bear vs man hypothetical), how they can’t get anything out of them (ex: a relationship), etc, and it always seems to actually downplay the epidemic that they claim to be effected by.

If you are lonely because you want a woman to validate you, then that is a self inflicted expectation that was inflated by the real issue. Women are not the real reason you are lonely.

Gay men are also affected by the same epidemic as straight men. And it’s not women who make them lonely.

So what is the cause of male loneliness? What is the root issue? And what is it that contributes and continues the epidemic?

Let’s dive into this, shall we…?

1. The start.

The male loneliness epidemic actually starts when you are a child. As a young boy, you are expected to be tough, responsible, in control, etc all while the adults push the expectations of getting a wife or a girlfriend on you.

You are expected to wear and like ‘boy’ colors, you are expected to like rough sports that may not have been your choice to begin with, you are expected to have your personal boundaries broken if it doesn’t align with the adult’s wants (ex: they cut off your long hair because it’s “gay”)

If you cry, they mock you for being pathetic.

If you emotionally reach out to another boy, you are called gay by your equally affected peers and adults.

If you reach out to a girl, everyone assumes you are romantically interested in her, which leads to you or the girl distancing yourselves from each other.

You are not allowed to develop emotionally, you are not allowed to explore boundaries and relationships, and you are not allowed to be human.

That. That is the core. The beginning of the infection.

It’s not your fault. You don’t deserve to be beaten or mocked when you cry.

But unfortunately, that is going to be ingrained into you for the next several years…

2. Growing expectations.

As you get older, people expect you to take on bigger responsibilities and they expect you to like it. They want marriage and to grow up faster than is possible. They expect you to ‘man up’ while giving mixed signals about the opposite sex.

“You don’t need a woman but you need a woman to have your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs met.”

Women are treated as both the answer to your problems AND the cause of them. It confuses and hurts your mental health without you understanding and it leads to unrealistic expectations. And it doesn’t help that your deprivation of emotional connections to non-romantic relationships is screaming for something to relieve it.

You now expect to have a spouse or a woman to fill that gaping hole that the adults in your childhood had dug and infected with confusing and damaging ideas.

You expect to get a high labor job that could literally kill you to prove your worth to this nonexistent woman, your peers, your mentors… and yourself.

You are at a stage where you have mental blocks that are keeping you from reaching out to people, developing your emotional intelligence, and understanding the growing hurt you are feeling due to shame and fear.

You think it’s weak to cry, you think that either you or the women are the problems, and you view other men as threats with or without your knowledge.

You unknowingly seek out validation from abusive men, hoping they will tell you that the women are the problem, that you’re perfect but you need to get a better job, and that there’s nothing wrong with you.

3. The self infliction “stage”

You spiral, you miss what really causes this isolation, and you worsen the problem to the point where everyone steers clear of you.

You have now entered a stage that you don’t realize you are in. It makes you bitter, it makes you neglect your true needs, and you take it out on strangers and those close to you who have to walk on eggshells around you.

It’s not your fault that you were groomed into being lonely… but you are an adult now. And as an adult, you need to clean the mess. No one else will. Some may help, but it requires you to actually let them into your house to see all the ran down furniture and the mold that spread throughout your living space.

4. The solution.

There is no simple solution. It is not a physical wound, it’s wound that remains in the complex system that is your mind. No one is the same, and some people have different priorities and recovery stages.

The first thing you can do is recognize and understand. Other people who aren’t as affected as you have figured out the root issue and have addressed it without pushing their luggage on others. You do not need a ‘bad guy’ to blame. You need yourself.

Self love is much deeper than just wanting for yourself… self love is addressing your flaws and ridding yourself of bad habits without tearing yourself down. It’s like your pet dog, you cannot simply let your dog lash out at others, you cannot let it indulge in too much of something or too little. Your dog, as much as you love them, may have problems. If you love your dog, you will not let it eat chocolate or chase down a cat.

If you love yourself, you will not expect others to fix things for you and will find yourself with someone backing you up… yourself.

Yes, to ‘cure’ loneliness is a group effort. It requires you to reach out to others and vise versa, but in order to do that, you need to understand that everyone is an individual with limits and boundaries. You need to understand that they cannot control your identity and value. And you cannot control theirs. If they cannot be emotionally available, then you need to remind yourself of your worth and leave them be.

You won’t be cured of your childhood conditioning overnight. You will still suffer. The best you can do is work towards ending the cycle. Starting with letting that little boy be a kid and emotionally reach out to his peers, male and female.

5. Conclusion/tl;dr

You don’t need a wife. You don’t need a gender specific validation. You need friends. Real friends. Real family. Real community.

Romantic relationships and surface level validations like compliments and simple acknowledgment are temporary solutions. They are Bandaids that your peers and society has hyped up to unrealistic standards. They are not your solution.

If someone found a special someone who has helped them, then props to them, but do not expect that delicate bond to fix everything nor occur so soon in your lifetime. Bonds need you to be responsible in order for it to work.

You need to have platonic bonds with others, even if you don’t think it’ll help. You need to be able to work independently without demonizing your needs and dependency for emotional connection outside of a romantic relationship.

What strangers think of your vulnerability does not matter. Your ‘femininity’ and ‘gayness’ doesn’t make you less. Who cares. If you’re happy for once, then do not concern yourself with expectations you can live without.

Now go watch transformers, share your interests with fellow autistics, and make cool shit 🫵

#yapping #yap session #male loneliness #male loneliness epidemic #you’re an independent man who don’t need no bitches #my fellow ladies you don’t owe anyone anything #but seriously #tw long post

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