#'everything bad you've ever done makes you a terrible person even if you've learned and grown since'

[acid-ixx]

ive recently read this post made by @pantalonte and it's reminding me of hard-dom yandere scaramouche that people often write and nooo i can't tolerate it at all </3

i don't know much about kaveh but what i do know is that he's passionate, a perfectionist, and he cares too much. and when he's obsessed with you then it evidently seeps into his personality. he'd love to share ideas with you, love to see your interest in his crafts, and he'll make sure that with whatever topic you've talked about with him— he's done research on.

it's no doubt that even his roommate would eventually become annoyed at the incredibly obsessed architect who does nothing but yap about you, you, and you. how he'd love to settle in with you by the near future with a house, no, a mansion that he specifically crafts in regards to your tastes (but you're not even in a relationship, yet). wouldn't you relish at the fact that he has multiple blueprints finished that are all inspired by you? he may not earn a lot but he's even willing to take painful commissions that don't cater to his aesthetic just so he could save up some mora for your future home. he knows that his love for you is oozing in every bit of his life but he can't help it at all- he's never drowned in love before he even met you; and he've so much love to offer you.

he's definitely one of the more subservient and submissive yanderes that i could tackle. after all, i can imagine him kneeling on a cold, hard floor if you're on the meaner side, just to please you. he's also the type to be easily jealous and showy on his affections, at the same time flustered if you show him an ounce of it. if someone else were to flirt with him then whoever that person may be, i'd feel bad for because he won't shut up, in a defensive tone no less, about how nobody else can can compare to you: his muse, his love, his world, his everything. but when you flirt with him then he'll have no responses to come back with because his mind is hay-wiring.

jealous yan kaveh! is not only obsessive possessive, but wants to be possessed by you, in a way. he wants to be your only object of affection. he wants your eyes on him; and he'll make sure of that. if you've specific tastes then he'll cater to it, whether it'd be striking up a topic with you on a casual day or even going as far as stealing all your attention and time to ask for your opinion on a future 'mansion' he's planning to build (you wouldn't even know that every single one of your opinion is taken seriously to a T).

murder is definitely not first in his mind whenever his brain is clogged with the thought of competition, but he finds himself subconsciously guilt-tripping whoever is taking your attention, and sometimes even you because of how terribly he keeps his emotions in check. and because he opens up his heart to you, you're well-aware about his financial issues and that's a topic he'd vaguely mention in a conversation with you, and a useless face with a name he won't remember. he's independent, yes, but your sympathy and pity on him is something he'd unknowingly devour as you become closer with the architect.

his heart flutters at the thought of you helping him with a project, or a domestic life where he most certainly caters to the idea of being your house husband. he's passionate, so it won't be long 'til he learns a thing or two about housekeeping. and if he messes up on chores, then who's to say you wouldn't help your poor, needy husband? ahhh, just dreaming about your futures sure does things to his beating heart.

drunk yan kaveh! would be the cutest company you'll ever have if he's with you, and would be the most annoying if not. with his intolerance to alcoholic beverages, he'll be bound to confess. and no doubt that he's a light drinker but you'll never expect him to be drunk after a few shots, no? he's all over you, blushing and giggling and muttering about how you're the love of his life; his soulmate. he nearly falls off his seat trying to scoot over to your body, attempting to hug you, dare even kiss your cheeks and nape if you permit it. his head lolls over your shoulder as he whispers directly beneath your ears that you're the most stunning person he's ever had the joy to meet, that if he could (and most definitely would)- he'll offer you the world, maybe the universe, even if it's impossible.

[weirdestcornelius]

speaking of the preboot - i've never read it (yet), but i swear the website used to say that it was fine if people liked the preboot, just that kittycorn was personally uncomfortable with it. so when i got deeper into the fandom, i was confused why any mention of it was, like... forbidden. effect of the website not being updated (until now) and having to learn everything thru tumblr, i suppose.

I feel like it's perfectly fine that Kc doesn't want anything about the preboot being sent to kit- that's a reasonable boundary! You can set boundaries for what people can send to you! What's not a reasonable boundary is saying "you can't like the preboot. You can't like Cuddles. Don't talk about the preboot ever if you don't want to be burned at the stake"

I understand that the preboot makes Kc uncomfortable because of personal reasons; but people should still be allowed to like it. You can like controversial things. This is like the AP drama all over again when people were making callout posts on anyone who mentioned liking it or even daring to watch it. Hell I even saw someone in the Sparklecare tag saying "this person has the preboot and msi on their carrd that's such a red flag they're getting blocked" when it. Isn't?? 1: msi fucking rules. Not the band but the music and 2: you're free to block anyone you want but why tf do you think it's your place or duty to tell everyone in the Sparklefandom that they were blocked by you. You don't have to announce that to everyone else.

This fandom itself is REALLY obsessed with calling people out and cancelling them; it's the exact reason more than half the critic blogs are anonymous because people finding out you've done the ultimate sin of having a critic blog means that you're going to be shunned by the community who will probably send you death threats and start rumors about you. "You can't like this person's art bc they're bad!!!! You can't follow this person because they have a critic blog!!!"

I've literally seen someone attempt to call an artist out for something they did when they were a bad state of mind and attempted to create something controversial or whatever. So yeah ig Kc can trauma dump on a bunch of teenagers anytime she's upset but once another artist does anything else while also being upset that makes them a terrible person worthy of being shunned by everyone.

[v-anrouge]

My birthday is coming to an end and i really just wanted to thank you all for the love and kindness you've shown me everyday, especially today, in light of recent events realizing how much of a bad person i am and how many people ive hurt i started to wonder if i wasn't better off deactivating and never speaking to anyone here ever again save for a few people i at least knew weren't hurt by me. i talked to my dear friend Aru and talking to her allowed me to think more thoroughly about things, i also wrote some more on my journal, i still feel terrible and i still don't think i deserve to be treated and received with such kindness after everything ive done but seeing you all treat me like this really made me emotional, especially when i know i haven't been doing the same back to you all, im really sorry for how terrible i was and still am, as i am far from being healthy and only just started to try and get better, and i know some things will take very long to fix but i am very lucky to have found people like you all who are very understanding and supportive, the kind of people i usually push away because im scared ill hurt them someway (which proved itself true huh) but it also made me realize a few things. it's no use of me to ask for you opinions and after hearing deactivating and running away, i made many mistakes and i need to be here to own up to them, as well as to make it up for you guys in any ways i am able to, and that maybe just maybe i can make things right eventually and take this as a learning experience to live in a better way, i don't know when ill go back to posting passionately about my hyperfixations instead of just posting random things but i am gonna try because i have so many followers for very low quality posting, my college is finally gonna go on break so ill hopefully have some more free time to replay twst and analyse my favs deeper and understand them more and hopefully make some good posts like i used to

this got long and idk if it even makes sense but for the final part; thank you all for the support i seriously don't know what i did to deserve you guys but im really really happy to have you around, i promise to be better, thank you all for the birthday wishes :3c

[fastcardotmp3]

Jonathan & El cw: implied past child abuse

The first time he hears her call herself bad it strikes him so hard in his sternum that he can't buck up and do something about it.

Jonathan looks at this girl, his sister, who has saved the world time and again, who had saved his brother from a slow death in a terrible place, and she lays claim to a badness that makes him feel kind of sick, actually.

It's the same feeling he got when Will started calling himself a freak, the same feeling he got when Jonathan himself first started learning to play music loud enough he couldn't hear his parents fighting in the other room, even years before he taught that trick to Will.

It's a feeling, ultimately, that swallows stability whole and leaves you to stumble across uneven ground until you find your footing again.

Jonathan just has to-- find his footing again. And that means someone needs to talk to El.

"Because I am," she says when he asks why she calls herself that, sitting at the kitchen table with two mugs of her latest culinary obsession between them-- hot chocolate.

"But what makes you think you're bad?" Jonathan asks, genuinely curious, genuinely getting thrown to the ground by the shake in the earth. "I don't think you're bad."

El presses her lips together, eyebrows low over her downturned gaze as she looks intensely at the little marshmallows sitting on top of her drink like she's trying to solve the puzzle of the world.

Jonathan supposes she kind of is, in a way, contemplating human nature after spending so many years being told what to be, how to fit within a certain set of parameters, how to behave the way Papa wanted her to.

That's another thing that gives him big feelings. Those feelings could probably be solved by caving Brenner's face in, though.

"I have hurt people," is what she lands on, still not looking up but the scowl line between her brows deepening.

And there's no denying it, she has hurt people; she's killed people, as a matter of fact, and she's watched them die, so there's no point in dodging the reality of that here, in trying to say you didn't mean to when he knows she did.

Jonathan opens his mouth and then shuts it again, though, catches himself in the act of trying to tell her that the good she's done outweighs the bad because, for one, he doesn't know if that's true, and for two, maybe it doesn't matter.

"You know," he clears his throat, elbows digging into the table and shoulders hunching up around his ears, "stories-- like Will's books and Hop's TV?-- have really obvious villains most of the time. Bad guys, right?"

El looks up at him, thinks about it, nods.

"Right."

"Okay," Jonathan keeps going, "well, that's because people have always been trying to find-- easy answers for hard things. Things like good and bad. So they created monsters who only ever hurt and heroes who only ever help.

"But, just because it helps us understand why people do bad things, it doesn't mean that-- none of it is really that-- black and white?"

"Black and white?" El questions, but she's not pushing back against him so Jonathan has hope that this is working in some way or another.

"Like, clear and obvious. Like everything has just one answer, but that's not really the case, is it?"

"No," she says with zero hesitation. "Some things are-- confusing."

"Yeah, they are. People are," he pulls his mug closer to himself and taps his fingers along the ceramic.

"So there aren't... bad people?" she looks confused, like she doesn't believe it, like she's actively losing faith in his judgement, so Jonathan shakes his head quickly.

"It's-- It's more like there are just people," he flounders. "And I really-- I don't think I've ever met a person that's only ever been good or only ever been bad."

El looks down at her hot chocolate. Grabs the can of whipped cream and sprays more on top of her cooling drink.

Doesn't take a sip.

"You've only ever been good," she says it slowly, obvious confusion still touching her tone in ways that don't even overpower the rush of emotion Jonathan gets and knowing she really feels that way about him of all people.

He breathes sharply through his nose, opens his mouth and shuts it twice before he manages to say, "I've hurt people too, El."

It's not going to be an easy thing, Jonathan thinks, making sure she understands that people are largely just the choices they make and that people are allowed to choose to change, to get better, and that the people who hurt her, the people she hurt in return, won't be missed by anyone who loves El but might be missed by someone and that no matter how complicated it is and no matter how messy and no matter how surface level wrong it may be she is still not bad.

It's not going to be an easy thing, made clear by the way she looks at him now and visibly tries to make sense of the fact that someone she had deemed as good could possibly have ever done wrong, because those people in that fucking lab drilled absolutism into her head from birth, but fuck. Fuck.

"You're just a person, is all I'm saying," he implores, because it's going to take longer than one conversation over hot chocolate to make any of it make a modicum of sense, even to him. "You're a person and we love you."

Something shakes loose in her gaze at that, a tension releasing from her shoulders, because if there's one thing Hopper and Joyce and those damn kids have done right it's making this make sense to her.

"I love you too," she tells him, and Jonathan has the self control of a saint to not start crying.

When she adds more whipped cream to her drink, he just follows her lead.

[canes-fidus]

RFA with an MC with DID pt1 Jumin

Literally most DID "rep" is omg evil killer alter it's so shitty, so here's something that's actually accurate. Split into parts because it’s going to be too long if I do everyone in one go :)

💜Jumin

*He always noticed something was off.

*You always seemed to be so forgetful and easily lost track of time.

*He was so confused when your handwriting would be different, or that your tone of voice, the pitch, accent, the slightest of things would be different. He assumed it was some silly joke from you.

*Hell, sometimes you'd even write perfectly with your non dominant hand! Surely you just had some odd habits, right?

*You were always secretive about your childhood, and he respected that. Truth be told, you just couldn't remember it no matter how hard you tried. The good, the bad, it was all gone, as if the memory itself never existed.

*It wasn't until you couldn't remember his name that he finally had enough and sent you to see a mental health specialist.

*Jumin explained all of what you've been going through, the memory loss, the dissociation, the change in personality, how you just seemed out of the ordinary.

*He never expected nothing more than you being out of it, but he wanted to make sure.

*When the specialist said it sounded like dissociative identity disorder his heart shattered into a million pieces.

*His love...had gone through something so terrible to the point her brain had to create multiple parts of herself to survive?

*He couldn't help but shake in anger a bit. He wanted to do everything in his power to find out who did something so horrific.

*He knew despite only being a child at that time as well, there was nothing he could do, and yet, he felt like there was more he could've done. He felt nothing but guilt, almost as if he could've prevented such a horrible beginning of your life.

*Childhood is supposed to be filled with nothing but love and care...and yet you got just the opposite.

*He's happy you can't remember. He never wishes for you to ever relive that ever again.

*He's on edge about your alters fronting, but he learns to accept it knowing it's all a part of you and exist to protect his beloved.

*He takes some time off work to help you settle in with the reality of such a debilitating disorder.

*He does everything he can to be by your side, and give you his unlimited love, even if some things don't make sense to him, what matters most is that he's trying his hardest.

*With his help you slowly recover and merge back into the one piece you were always meant to be from the start.

[notquiteaghost]

i have a disease where seeing fun jokey fan content abt smth canonically tragic just makes me think abt the canonical tragedy even more. this post is about post-order 66 commander cody working closely with darth vader

because, yeah, okay, lot of comedic potential inherent in that dynamic. but personally i can't think about vader for more than three seconds without starting to want to rend my clothes and wail, so, in that vein,

one of the Things about post-order 66 cody is, like. [bucky barnes voice] but i did it. as far as he knows he DID kill obi-wan! he did that! and even if he learns he didn't actually order the killing blow, he did still order the killing blow. whether or not obi-wan is still, technically, alive doesn't negate that order 66 killed him. post-rots obi-wan is a dead man walking, a ghost in the sense of that siken quote; a ghost is something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

and one of the other things is. cody, during the clone wars, is a man with absolutely no meaningful agency and no good choices trying to do the best he can. and then it turns out his best was functionally meaningless, it turns out even when he thought he was managing to defy his explicitly-given purpose he was actually playing right into the hands of it, nothing he has ever done has meant anything good. it's a very fundamental part of the story of star wars, imo, that almost no one involved in the defeat of the empire was there for the birth of it. the specific way sidious won is so insanely demoralising. you thought you were doing good! you were sure! (you told yourself you were sure!) how can you ever be sure again!

so. all my love to stories about cody defecting, but my go-to interpretation is. he stays with the empire, until it kills him too, because it is so incredibly easy to continue as you were. leaving would be a decision. leaving would mean he is capable of deciding not to follow bad orders, and then why didn't he do it sooner. there is no space left in him for agency, even if the chip does allow for some, because if he has no agency it wasn't his fault. and if it wasn't his fault he can get out of bed and try to mitigate damage where he can.

(or not even that. i do like the idea that the chips aren't straight-up overwriting personhood so much as making personhood deeply unappealing. what good has personhood ever done you. all that effort and for what? you're still here. isn't it easier just to follow orders.

like i don't think pre-tcw / pre-chips works treated the clone troopers with much respect but there is something There re: agency & following bad orders & how real non-mind-controlled people do terrible things for no good reason all the time. cartoon network show, not going to do moral complexity, anyway i'm getting off topic)

so!!! speaking of guys who fucked up and now can't acknowledge they fucked up or their whole everything will crumble out from under them like so much sand!!!!

vader is also a guy with a chronic lack of agency who was manipulated into horrible acts and has now sunk cost fallacy'd himself into continuing to do more horrible acts forever. this isn't me being an apologist (it lied), this is the point of vader's character. you CAN, at any time, choose to be better! vader didn't, though. vader didn't for twenty years, because, again, the thing about choosing to be better is it's hard. it means you weren't doing good before. it means you cannot just mindlessly follow someone else, it means you have to think and make choices and take action.

it says a lot about vader that he only turned back to the light at the end. it's a lot easier to throw the last twenty years of your life away when you've only got to reckon with having done it for, like, five minutes. vader is a cautionary tale about the slippery slope of refusing to reckon with what you've done.

so. putting vader & cody in the same room...... two guys blaming themselves for killing obi-wan kenobi (the republic) while actively working for the guy who actually killed obi-wan kenobi and also so many others (the republic). and i don't think they would ever talk about that. i don't think they'd ever talk about anything, i do not think you can lean that far into being someone else's tool and remain capable of talking about yourself. but there sure is an elephant in that room with them, huh. it sure is holding a lightsaber and wearing a robe and very, very dead.

[flightyquinn]

brought this up in a recent reblog, but it got me thinking about it, so i wanted to go into detail on why i think that so many felt like the Diamonds in Steven Universe should have been treated as irredeemable villains.

it's not because they're genocidal, or fascist, in my opinion. stories have been redeeming characters like that for a long time. i think it's because they each represent another kind of evil, one that's a lot more personal and upsetting to people.

Yellow Diamond represents emotional neglect. everything is work for her. it's about doing the job and being efficient. she never has time for anyone, and certainly not time for their feelings. she has a schedule to keep, deadlines to meet, work to be done. and that makes her uncaring about the people around her, or worse, makes her lash out at those whose wants and feelings intrude on her work.

Blue Diamond represents emotional manipulation. she seems like she cares, like she's totally empathetic to everything. except that every little thing results in a big display of how hurt she is. she cries and bemoans everything, and makes everyone around her share in her sorrow. if something is wrong, it must be her fault, and just look how absolutely terrible you've made her feel. she's trying so hard, and it's just not good enough. isn't that just awful?

And then there's White Diamond...

White Diamond represents emotional abuse. she's more powerful than anyone. she's controlling. she's a perfectionist, and she only wants what's best for you. you should be grateful for everything she's done for you, even though you're not good enough. even though you never live up to her expectations. it's not her fault that things are bad, it's yours...but she forgives you. you'll learn one day, and she's being ever so patient with you. if you'd just stop being such a terrible disappointment, then things could be better

the diamonds are evil in the way Dolores Umbridge is evil (if you'll forgive the Harry Potter reference). they're the kind that we've seen. the kind you encounter in the real world. the kind people watching have been personally hurt by. so i think that when people don't want them forgiven, it's because they personally know someone like that who they would never forgive.

[alexbstudios]

My Sincere Apology.

The internet is a beautiful place where people can share and enjoy content.

People have their opinions of things and even people for that matter, but they don’t matter, as the impact is too small, and they are too popular.

But what happens when they do something bad?

And what if it’s small?

Real creators want their work to be seen and appreciated by as many people as they can reach. So do I. But I have sadly messed up every chance for it, and there is sadly no turning back, something I couldn’t understand, until I did. But it was too late.

It was always too late.

Let’s look back quickly.

In the month of April, my tumblr account was made, since I was tired of not having access to the website and all within. I was small, and my only friend was… well, I would want to specify these people, but reveals their identities would guilt me, and I want to show in all ways, that I have changed in the past month.

In the month of May, I made my first ever interaction with… well, I believe you know it by now… specially on the 11th, near the midpoint of the month.

I, had already uploaded images of the person’s art already, and his friends started to think badly of me, being the terrible start of everything following.

In the month of June, I made a mistake, making (a person which is… well… if you know you know…) almost forcefully get plunged into drama (which luckily didn’t happen just yet.

This, including a few other events, made my account frowned deeply on, but I couldn’t resist using force to get want I wanted… 

Peace.

But if I realized in time that those choices would forever ruin me, I would have changed.

But I never did.

In the month of July…

It broke through.

Rage.

Anger.

And worse of all.

Not a single bit of guilt.

I don’t like talking about this. But it happened.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry to all I hurt.

I’m sorry to all I angered.

I’m sorry to all I offended.

I’m sorry to all I upset.

I’m sorry to all I affected.

I’m sorry to all I ruined.

I’m sorry to…

Him.

Him and his friends.

All.

In the months of August and September…

I myself worsened.

I thought doing the same thing I was doing before would make people like me…

But it never did.

And then I listened…

And I left.

OCTOBER.

On September 10th, i made my final, and most recent post, before leaving.

Forever.

I realized staying while being not even the right age would make people hate me, so I set a goal.

A goal to leave the site until my 13th birthday.

It started hard. I couldn’t stay away from tumblr.

But then.

It was like it never happened.

Before this all happened, every day I woke up, I thought about him. In the middle of the day, I thought about him. And before I went to sleep, I thought about him. He made me mad, since things never changed. EVER. An infinite loop of anger.

But after a few days.

I could live.

I could enjoy my live, unpaused by the anger of something never ending. I used to think of me as AlexBStudios. But when I started thinking of me as me, I realized I had the key to leave. And I did.

I was happy.

I am back.

I am not satisfied with what I have done, and I never will, I am happy to change, or do whatever I can to help you all.

But before we end, read this…

Think about the person you were right before you knew about tumblr. Then think about how you were when you did know. Then think about when you signed in. Think about how you were when you found me. Then when I did what I did. Now think about who you are now. You're still mostly the same person you were back then, but at lot has changed. People have come in and out of your life, you've learned more about yourself, you have new favorite songs that you listen to, you're smarter and wiser, your opinions are different, your favorites have changed too, you enter different eras of your life, you change skills, maybe even places, and you've grown… You are not the same person you once were.

Now think about someone in the present trying to hurt you and using your younger self from all the way back then against you. Younger you wouldn't stand a chance against this person today. They don't know the things you know now. They're not as strong as you are now. They haven't been through all the ups and downs that you have been through the last many years. You owe your younger self nothing but love. They don't deserve the judgement and hate from others, especially from those so far in the future from where younger you is in life now. 

That was one of his friends.

I will not specify who, nor what I am talking about.

But I couldn’t understand their past choices had nothing to do with how they are now, and It wasn’t even serious.

But, in my place of mind at the time, I thought “exposing” one of their friends would weaken them, and make them surrender.

I never thought, “What if it wouldn’t do any good?” or “What if I didn’t do this?”

But the thing I should have thought of?

Guilt.

I never had guilt, not until everything was over.

But after a month of silence, I only did feel the weight of everything I did. I saw all I ever did, and it disturbed me. 

Think about who you were way back when, who you are now, and who you'll be many more years from now.

I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of a future without tumblr. It was if as tumblr was all I ever knew, and ever could accomplish.

Until know.

The future.

The now.

The me.

THIS me.

Always be kind to yourself, and be kind to others.

P.S:

To those who still won’t forgive me, I am okay with that, my reasons against it were terrible, and made everything so much worse. So i listened to everyone, I thought for this month, and I have decided leaving them alone was the only thing I could do.

Goodnight.

Alex.

[doubleddenden]

Sometimes I see the nicest people online get harassed to hell and back because of mistakes they made as teenagers or because they happen to behave differently but not badly at all, and it seriously makes me worry about a lot of things.

Like... I've made terrible mistakes in my life. I've been hurt and have hurt others without realizing it. I've said terrible things within the last 10 years. I've made amends for some things, tried to for others, still am for some, and I live with the guilt for the things others could never forgive me for or won't give me the chance to make amends for- I know I for sure can't forgive myself for any of it, because I grew up with people who would hold onto EVERYTHING you've done wrong as ammo for the future.

I worry about the one day I may actually fulfill some of my dreams- maybe become a writer or streamer- and something from years ago comes back to bite me in the ass. I worry that the people I've hurt will come for revenge after I've lived my life suffering the ramifications of the smallest mistakes I've ever made, come for revenge for not knowing how to be a proper person before my 20s or to watch me fall for slipping and messing up within the last 5 years.

I know I'm a better person now, I've been dealt karmic or divine punishment for every horrible action or inaction I've ever taken or not taken, big or small, even if it's by my own physical or mental hand. I've lost friends because of mistakes I've made, and so I've dedicated myself to trying to be better because of it, even if I falter. I deal with demons every damn day and put up with so much so maybe others will find value in this horrible person I still think of myself as.

But still. If I were famous in the slightest, I'd be roasted alive. Maybe for something I've said when I was younger and didn't know because of a different era and culture, something I couldn't prevent because I lacked the power or presence to do so, something I didn't know was wrong, or for being a bad friend in a personal issue when the other person was ALSO making mistakes.

There's people that legitimately haven't done anything wrong, at least not within a visible online spectrum and nothing beyond maybe being cringe, and they get chased off the internet for writing a song about loving women or moving to Japan or something.

There's people that have visibly and clearly become better people from mistakes they made 10+ years ago and have gone on to not only apologize but try to make amends through charities and raising awareness, and they're still vilified.

There's no forgiveness for anything anymore. No room to grow, no room to improve, no consideration for the culture of the time and place, access to knowledge or knowledge that you're doing something wrong, zero care about the mindspace you were in, you fuck up and you're done. They want you dead and/or gone. Even being slightly cringe is unforgivable to some.

They don't want to just unfollow or block you, they want you to suffer. They want you to get caught with stuff, they want "proof" they're correct for hating you. It does not matter that you're improving and learning, does not matter you've changed, does not matter that time has passed, does not matter that you've suffered enough as it is, it does not matter.

I dunno. I fear for the future where nothing is forgiven OR forgotten. Especially as this generation ages. Especially as MY generation ages.

It's 4 am again. Another sleepless night I guess.

[significant-narratives]

thank you. more on the other timeline happy ending, bittersweet and complicated?

ask and you shall receive

(cw for mentions of trauma and panic attacks below the cut)

i could write a doctoral thesis trying to explain the bittersweet nature of this ending the exile timeline ending, but some general story beats i can touch on include:

-> willy loses hockey. which, as another blogger once said (i can't remember who but if anyone does please lmk and i will credit them accordingly), 'taking a hockey player out of hockey feels like writing major character death'. willy's whole career blows up overnight. hockey has been her whole life since she was a literal infant and it's taken from her in a very brutal, very public way. while she does ultimately figure out a future for herself that works for her, she still has to grieve the loss of her career and her childhood dream* (*unless i decide to go with the pure wish-fulfilment ending but uh. that might discredit the larger themes of this au. we'll see.)

-> she also cuts herself off from her friends and family for years. her father doesn't even know where she is! she misses her little sister's wedding! the only person she keeps in regular contact with is her mom! she's haunted by the fact that she destroyed not only her legacy, but also tainted her father's. she's the Eldest Daughter. who is she if she's not a sibling!! even when she eventually is able to reunite / reconcile with them, the time they lost isn't coming back and she just has to live with that

-> no matter how much time passes, her name is always going to be linked back to that scandal. with time people do end up looking at it differently (there's a lot of 'did we fail william nylander?' retrospectives many years down the line) but that isn't until much later.

to underline the impact this has on her, a plot point bes and i have discussed in the DMs is that while in her self-imposed exile, willy stops going by her own name and starts using her sister's name instead (jacky). and that's something that willy spends a lot of time grappling with. she's so afraid to ever be known as william nylander ever again!

the fact that like. okay, imagine the worst thing you've ever done. now imagine you did that thing because you were just so incredibly in love. now imagine everyone in your professional field (+ the rest of the world) finds out about this terrible thing you've done, then they go on to spend literal months --years even -- dissecting and analyzing every angle of this terrible thing. and the person who you did this terrible thing for just gets to bounce back like nothing happened.

you lose everything and they go on to achieve a world of professional and personal success despite the fact that they were just as much, if not more, complacent in this as you were (that uh. 11 year age gap sure is something!).

willy does eventually rebuild her life into one that she loves and she is able to heal and come to terms with like... this idea of how do we forgive ourselves and grow from our mistakes when no salvation / external forgiveness is coming our way, but. at the end of the day. she's still lost something that she's never going to get back. there are still some wounds that will never heal. she still has bad days where she feels deeply unworthy of the love and devotion that auston has for her and questions everything about their relationship. there are days where even the mention of hockey makes her stomach turn. there are days when even the thought of like... being recognized on the street gives her a panic attack (she is in therapy if that counts for anything 😭). idk like. trauma is a very difficult and complicated thing and learning how to live with it is often a lifelong endeavour.

-> i know this sounds super bleak but i swear there's some sweetness in here too 😭 love is Real and Alive in the state of arizona!! willy in this au is So brave and So nuanced and i truly feel like i'm not doing her justice here tbh!! just know that she's a fighter and the love that she and auston have for each other is truly incredible.

i hope this answers your question anon! i'll be honest it's hard to talk about this au in a succinct way because it does span literal years in-universe, but i hope this at least gives you an idea of some of the elements at play here. also it is Very Late and i'm sleep deprived so forgive me for rambling

[daminakhair]

Please read this if you finally have the time. 💌

** An open letter to my first love **

My dearest Damian,

Hiii. How are you? I hope you're doing just fine. It's been weeks or a month since we've spoken last, isn't it? It felt like forever.

I know you have no patience to read but I'm writing this anyway, to give myself peace and finally let go of any confusion, doubts, and questions that have been weighing on my mind. I want to end our relationship on good terms, so if by chance we meet in person, I can look you in the eyes with no ounce of regret, hatred, and pain. I just want to formally bid my farewell to you, so let me. Please take your time reading it, and if you don't wish to, I completely understand.

I want to start by saying, that it's not our fault, neither of us should take the blame. It's just not the right timing. We were both pressured in life and got caught up in everything that we missed each other. Our relationship wasn't easy at all. It wasn't perfect and ideal but we started okay and I had fun in the middle. It was a complicated setup but we somehow managed to make it work for a while, and I'm proud of it.

I know it's the end but let's just think that what happened was a typical shallow misunderstanding that can be resolved. Let's pretend that our ending is something we've already talked about way before we even started. Let's take it as a beautiful memory we have once shared for a lifetime.

We may not close our chapter properly and say each other's farewell but I know it's gonna be fine between us.

I'm terrible at handling breakups and you know why, right? I don't even know how to cope with it but thankfully there's Google. I'm betting my moving-on phase on it.

I know it's not gonna be easy [for me], even writing this and having the courage to send it to you is difficult to do. You've become a part of my daily routine and it feels strange not having you there anymore. I must admit that I still miss you every day. It feels empty starting my day without you and ending it with no trace of you. My life is back to gray again and it hits differently. It's quiet but not as peaceful as when you used to be around. But I swear I will be fine. And with time, we'll both be able to heal. I'll take this heartbreak as a lesson that will help me grow emotionally and mentally.

Damian, meeting you was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I never had any regrets. I learned a lot about myself after I opened my heart to you. You were the first man I learned to love unconditionally, without judgment. Too bad we ended too soon, I didn't even get the chance to hold your hands. I am grateful for everything you've shown me. You've taught me so many things even if you may not realize it. You could've denied it but I know you loved me because I felt it. In just 6 months, I enjoyed every second of it even if we only spent 4 hours a day talking. What we had was something worth remembering despite our love story only existing through phone screens. Most people might consider this type of relationship unserious, but to me, it was real. What we had was genuine. I hope it's the same for you too.

I don't know when I'm gonna be ready to completely let go of you. I even still find myself thinking about you at night, and waking up with thoughts of you still in my mind. But I promise you, I will find myself again and live a happy life even if it means you're not there anymore. While the plans we made to do things together for the first time remained just "plans", the mere thought of them is enough for me to cherish.

I hope you're not upset with me. I hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't regret anything from us. I hope you remember me as someone who loved you wholeheartedly. I hope I am a happy memory in your heart because you are to me. But if you ever felt bad about us, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've said and done. I'm sorry if that's all I can give. I'm sorry for my lapses and shortcomings. I'm sorry if I can't live up to my role as your girlfriend before. I'm sorry that I was too far from where you are. I hope you forgive me for all the things I mistakenly did. I never had any intention of hurting you in any way. And if you think you're sorry too, it's okay. I have already forgiven you. Don't worry about it.

As I end this letter, could you please do one thing for me? Please, be well. Please treat yourself kindly. You are destined for great things in life, so promise me that you will never give up on your dreams. Please go to Japan even if I can't make it there. I will forever cheer for you and support you even from afar. Even from the very beginning, I have always been proud of you and I always will be. I am your number one fan, remember? Don't be sick. Do everything that you like. Don't skip your meals. Take extra good care of yourself. Please find the love that you failed to find in me. I hope that if you love again, she will give you all the love you truly deserve for the rest of your life. I hope she's the one. Most importantly, be happy all the time. Your happiness is mine too. And please don't worry about me, for I make sure to keep every single one of your reminders in mind. Of course, how can I forget my water?

These would be my last words, and I apologize for writing a lot. These are just 1/4 of the things I wanna tell you before you go. This may be lengthy, but these are nothing compared to what we've talked about during our time. I missed that already. Talking random geeky stuff with you and your random out-of-curiosity questions is one of the things I'd miss from us. I know what we had was a short-lived love story but it was so far the best I ever had in my entire life.

Thank you for allowing me to know you and for making my lonely life worthwhile. I firmly believe that we're fated to know each other. Also, thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you; for listening to all my nonsensical rants in life, for putting up with all my dramatic complaints, and even for all the weird things I love that you may not have understood. You felt warm and gentle to me. You treated me just the way I wanted to be treated. I will never think bad of you because you once made me happy and that's all I wanna remember from you.

I love you, my baby. Yes, I did and still do. I always have and always will. Parts of me will still love you no matter what happens and where life takes us. Always remember that, okay? Because this will be the last time I'll remind you of it. This would be my last "good morning" and "good night". You're forever in my thoughts and prayers.

Damian, I will remember you as the calming rain that brings me warmth and comfort. And just like our favorite sunset, we ended beautifully; full of love and hope.

P.S. If this isn't goodbye yet, then we're destined to finally meet soon. Hopefully, in Nihon.

Until then, my soulmate! 🤎

[terrorjk]

I completely disagree with this take.

It's common to read Azula as just another female character who "went insane" when given power. But, if anything, her breakdown started/worsened when her power was taken away from her. As you yourself said, Ozai gives her "a breadcrumb"--the "new subordinate title of Firelord." She wanted to rule with him as an equal--but he went and made himself "Phoenix King" and gave her a title that is still second to him and, now, basically worthless.

Then he abandoned her--as her mother had done, as Mai and Ty Lee had done. (She wanted to go with him to burn the Earth Kingdom down.) She'd always done everything he'd ever asked her to--and he tossed her aside as soon as she stopped being useful. ("You can't treat me like this! You can't treat me like Zuko!")

There's a really great post by eshusplayground arguing that Ozai doesn't hate Zuko for being weak, but for being defiant.

Speaking of Mai and Ty Lee, it's their betrayal of Azula--their taking away her power to control them through fear--that starts the breakdown off. Mai knows her so well that she knows exactly what to say to her: "You miscalculated. I love Zuko more than I fear you."

You could argue that Mai's betrayal is over a man, but she's defied Azula before. (In "The Drill," when she says "She can shoot all the lightning she wants at me, I'm not going into that wall sludge juice.")

But what Mai's line does is associate Zuko with love--that he has a power Azula does not. And we've already seen in "The Beach" how hilariously bad/awkward her social interactions are when she doesn't want to intimidate or dominate people. Not only that--she's jealous of Ty Lee because she can make friends easily but when Azula tries to do it they all leave.

Not even the people she brought on this trip are hanging out with her: while Ty Lee is making friends with everyone Mai and Zuko are off awkwardly trying to date and arguing because Zuko's social skills aren't much better than his sister's. But even at his most awkward, angry and stupid, what does Zuko have right then that Azula doesn't? Mai's love. Azula has to force her own friends and brother to hang out with her by demanding they all play a game. ("Hey, beach bums. We're playing next.")

Azula blames Zuko for Mai and Ty Lee betraying her (she does a lot of shit to Zuko, but it's only after their betrayal that she starts talking about killing him: "I'm about to celebrate becoming an only child!" I think it's real interesting that wanting to kill Zuko is a sign she's not thinking straight, but I digress.). But she's still thinking about this "love vs. fear" business.

Then the one person whose rules she has followed to the letter to gain his approval and love just up and leaves her. If she can't trust her father, who can she trust?

So she banishes almost everyone and is even more alone, which is not what she wants. I read her as someone who genuinely, perhaps desperately, wants to connect with people but doesn't know how except for this one REALLY HORRIBLE way that sucks for everyone and will never get her what she needs. (Also, she probably doesn't know how to do her hair--people have done it for her since birth and she's banished them all.)

Then her hallucination of her mother tells her "You've always used fear to control people," and Azula's response is: "Well, what choice do I have?! Trust is for fools. Fear is the only reliable way." She genuinely doesn't know any other way of interacting with people/trying to keep them from leaving her than by making them fear her--and the really sad part is that she wants other ways. ("What choice do I have?!")

While Katara and Azula are certainly foils, I don't think Katara is purely motherly. (She learned bloodbending, for one thing.) I also disagree that Zuko didn't beat Azula in their Agni Kai. He very much did--and in the most terrible way to Azula possible at that time.

Like I said, Azula has been mulling over Mai's words since she said them. And Zuko has this power of love that she doesn't understand.

But then! She sees Katara standing off by herself. And if Azula kills her, Zuko will be destroyed (even worse than Mai and Ty Lee destroyed her), so she can use love against him.

Except she miscalculates again.

Zuko uses the power of love for Katara to get between them and redirect Azula's lightning, at great danger to himself. Which is bad enough, but then this enemy and total stranger heals him. He and this rando have more attachment to each other than anyone has with her--including and perhaps especially her own father.

Are we gonna talk about the sexism in Avatar?

I’m gonna start with a few getting it out of the way statements. 1) this is not “canceling” Avatar the Last Air Bender, Nick did that over 10 years ago (joke). I am for sure not saying “don’t watch it” or “don’t enjoy it” or that you watching/liking a kid cartoon show from the mid-2000s says *anything* about you as a person. and 2) I normally wouldn’t say anything about this, I normally would just leave it alone. However I’ve seen lots of posts giving Avatar glowing reviews in terms of both wonderful/important life lessons it shares and “complex characters/development” and indeed I’ve seen the very issues I’m about to address being called good things, and well I love punishment and am a feminist so here we go. 

There’s Just Something about Azula:

So season 1′s main villain Zuko:

Is pushed onto the path of redemption toward the end of season 1/start of season 2. There’s a tragic backstory, a rough childhood to excuse his hunting our heroes etc. So we have to replace him if he’s not gonna be our bad guy. So we replace him with his sister, Azula 

And here’s where we start to have our problems. Azula is pretty much every sexist stereotype of a woman in/seeking power, she’s cold, mean, manipulative, and takes joy in emasculating any man around her, particularly Zuko

Indeed in season 3 her mockery and emasculation of Zuko is part of what makes us sympathetic to him. This is standard villain stuff, particularly standard for a lady villain but not the heart of the moment. 

We see a lot of Zuko’s relationship with his mother and also her relationship with Azula which sets up the dichotomy of how women are treated in the show. 

So to back up here for a second I need to explain something about sexism. Sigmund Freud came up with the idea of the “Madonna–whore complex” the idea that men see women one of two ways, as the saintly caring loving pure mother, or as a whore. I think one can also put it as the Madonna-Lady MacBeth complex that women are either loving, nurturing and selfless, or cold, harsh, and selfish.

Now using this frame, we see Zuko and Azula’s mother Ursa, she is kind and loving, but also ineffective, not taking part in the politics or struggle 

We see Azula from an early age draw to her father, and “male” power. She repeatedly says herself that for this she was a “monster” and her mother saw her that way 

Which brings us to her gaining power, as is often the case in sexist narratives, Azula was not seeking power for herself but a man. In this case her father, again think Lady MacBeth who wants to rule through her husband. But as her father steps off to become empire of the world he gives her a breadcrumb, the now subordinate title of Firelord

Which is where the sexism goes right off the rails. Having gained power Azula’s womanly emotions are just too much for her and she goes crazy.

There are people who will claim Azula was slightly cracked through out but it’s hard to say this isn’t a jarring shift. Given the long history of declaring women who are or wish to be powerful or take on a masculine role “insane” (ask Juana la Loca) It’s hard not to see this as more of the same. Particularly given her slide into over the top almost comical paranoia, complete with ghosts/delusions is pretty close to what happens Lady MacBeth herself. (The crazy self-hair cut is another classic of sexism woman gone mad narratives btw) 

Which brings us to the final battle. Azula is the embodiment of “unnatural” female power, power and taking on the male role has driven her mad with her out of control woman emotions, who can stop the power mad witch? 

well it won’t be Zuko as he is not her thematic opposite, this is not a battle between honor and dishonor but between two visions of the female role, enter Katara.

So from the jump Katara is water, an element related to life, nurturing and indeed she is given healing abilities. Now I could go through 3 seasons worth of examples of her as the kind, good listener, trying to help, being supportive and sweet character. However Avatar wanted to make sure you didn’t miss it, so in season 3 they do a whole episode about how Katara is everyone’s mom.

Katara’s own brother, Sokka declares he can no longer remember their mother’s face, he only sees Katara when he thinks of “mom”. Rather than being a bad thing that her OLDER brother sees her as his mom it’s held up as a good thing, Katara is mom

Remember what I said about Madonna-Lady MacBeth? well here’s our Madonna everyone’s mom, caring, kind, putting others first, shouldering the emotional labor of the group (and her family) as a good daughter/sister/female friend/girlfriend. She is the mirror to Azula the selfish and power mad who only looks out for herself and doesn’t mother her older brother when their mom goes missing (what a monster!) 

so it is, the motherly Katara over powers and beats the evil Lady MacBeth.

Her unwomanly quest for power has rendered her totally insane, stripped of power and having abandoned her femininity (note she wears pants, Katara always dresses) she is more a raging animal than a person. Indeed we don’t even bother to say what happens to her at the end of the show.

And what of Katara? she’s the one who beat the second biggest bad guy. Oh don’t worry, Zuko, the guy who lost, becomes the next Firelord, restoring male authority.

Indeed the show ends celebrating the victors, but Zuko didn’t beat any one, it was Katara? okay so she can’t be Firelord, sure but what does she get? well she’s reunited with her family and of course she becomes Aang’s girlfriend

These are the “correct” roles for a woman, the great water bender is not made a rule or top advisor, her happily ever after is as a daughter and girlfriend and semi-mom. 

Like I said at the top, if you enjoy Avatar as clearly a lot of you do, great, please enjoy. I wrote this out because it was bugging me personally how many people seemed to think Azula was a good representation of… something. She’s not, thats okay, the point of criticism is to make you think, and hopefully push us all closer to a more perfect world. Enjoy what you enjoy, but never thoughtlessly. 

[theshy1sout]

Six Eared Shadow

Do you remember the analysis about Mei and Red Son? That was me, and I'm doing this again, but now about Macaque and Sun Wukong

Because what the heck why do they hate each other so much

Ok, so this... This is such a messy chaotic really chaotic mix of a few headcanons and theories I made up and it SOMEHOW turned into a fanfic that I wrote so long that other people made many similar things in meanwhile and now this sounds not original at all, but I wrote it not to keep it in my deep hidden shelf so here we go

(It's based on what I know from the lmk series. I've started to read JTTW, but I'm still not so far to get to know anything about Macaque, but I won't change anything about this theory from now on)

Let's gather some basic information for the start.

-> Macaque is made with a shadow or even he is a shadow (kinda shadow demon, the demon of shadow). I mean, shadow is not only his power, he literally is made with shadow matter. We know that because he can not only manipulate shadows but also go through walls and turn yourself into a shadow.

-> I'm not sure if someone made him or he just "poof" out of nowhere just like Sun Wukong, but according to the story he told about how close he and Monkey King used to be, there's no doubt they had some master/student relationship which later turned into almost equal partnership. What is said, Macaque followed Sun Wukong for a long time, learning a lot from him, 'being his shadow'. They grew in power together, fought together, and (as it is said) Macaque started casting as Sun Wukong shadow, which (surprisingly) looks like he did willingly. Just look at the picture - the shadow is big and bright, it’s powerful and smiling, proud of his strength. He doesn’t look like someone forced to be Sun Wukong’s shadow. It shows how much Macaque admired Monkey King, that he wasn't just a friend for him, he was his idol.

-> We all know Macaque is a shadow demon, he can easily change his appearance, he does not have to look like an evil clone of Monkey King, especially if he hates him now or something, SO even if he used to look up at Sun as his ex-student or ex-partner, and now we know he is NOT, he would prefer to not look so similar any more.

He can choose any other look, but he doesn't. Why? Well, maybe he actually cannot. Maybe this isn't an appearance he has specifically chosen, maybe this is his 'basic' comfy form and any other form would just take too much energy to keep up. And looking at the really tiny probability of two very similar monkeys just "poofing" out of nowhere, I dare to say, Macaque wasn't born (I mean like Sun Wukong or any other demon), but he was specifically created. And here is a question: on someone's purpose or not? Maybe the power of great Monkey King was so strong so the part of it just jumped from him and formed into another similar creature, but let me say it's just weird and I prefer the theory of Sun Wukong being so bored and lonely after his master's (Tripitaka) death, and he created a brother for himself from his own shadow. Just to have someone, anyone.

So Wukong created Macaque and then what? He trained him, he taught him everything he knew, maybe even he shared his powers with him. Some great great bonding time. But as Macaque said, something drew them apart. It is visible that Macaque blamed Monkey King for this, for 'forgetting him'. Before speculation of what happened then between them, let's focus on what Macaque showed us what he wants now.

We have two episodes, both show different sides of him. In season 1, Macaque's main goal is to steal Monkey King's power from Mk, and then to very specifically revenge. He visibly does not want to defeat Sun Wukong, he wants to hurt him as much as possible. Look: when Monkey King showed up, Macaque totally forgot about Mk. And then, when he's so close to defeat him, instead of that he turned to Mk and tried to kill the teenager. Mk is just a tool to hurt Sun Wukong.

And we can't forget how Macaque constantly pointed out all the weak sides of Sun, he's basically just saying on and on "you're weak, you're weak, you're so weak, I'm so strong, I'm strong, you are so weak". Which really fits the feeling of being forgotten because he was weaker and Monkey King was stronger, better, glorious and famous. Macaque really feels like that, he really tried to make Sun Wukong feel his pain by dominating him.

On the other hand, we see that Sun constantly striked off him. He said almost nothing to him, just "Aren't you bored of keep being in my shadow? It's time to give back what you've stolen" and that was fricking all. For Monkey King, Macaque is a just shadow, always behind him, something you turn around and leave behind to not see it and to forget, like an unwanted past. An unnecessary problem, that irritatingly keeps returning to him. He does not want to interact to not make even a slight more bond between them, he wants to delete him from his life forever, and omg WHY. At this end of the ep, Sun Wukong did not even mention Macaque. He really doesn't care at all (or extremely tries to not care). His HATE is almost touchable, ouch.

In season 2, Sun Wukong LEFT US ALL ALONE. Macaque showed up again, he played with Mk a bit, and... Left? That's the thing, you see, he doesn't need to hurt or kill Mk. All we see is Macaque talking about his past and then letting Mk experience something the 'hero' in the story should have felt. The guilt. When Mk interpreted his story differently, seeing himself as the warrior, Macaque corrected him. Cause he doesn't care about Mk at all. He heard how Mk told him about what hurt him, and here is a funny point, because if Macaque needs to be understood, listening to Mk and talking with him (such a simple act of empathy, they both needed it then, guh) should have been enough. Mk really felt the 'warrior' character in the story, so he understood what Macaque felt. But surprisingly, that was not what the demon carved.

Macaque chose to make Mk feel like Monkey King at the moment something drew the demons apart. He wanted to force Mk to be sorry, to apologize, to regret his mistakes, cause he failed with forcing Monkey King to feel that. But! Maybe he is not as purely innocent and poorly forlorn. We see the flashback for a half of second before Mk hit him with Staff:

We see Sun Wukong attacking Macaque who's in his demon (true) form.

Let's repeat this: Macaque felt as if a friend left him in the past. He said a friend did this to have all the "hero's glory" for themselves. We know Sun Wukong could do such a thing, especially before he met Tripitaka, but 1. In my theory Macaque is created after Tripitaka's death and 2. If (as my theory said) Sun created Macaque to not feel so lonely, he would never leave him for such a thing. So Macaque hides something for sure, something he did, something so terrible that made Sun Wukong attack him and not want to know him anymore. How horrendous thing Macaque did that made Sun Wukong choose to be alone again and to forget his dear brother he created by himself?

Back to the great bonding time, repeating speculation of "oh maybe they even share the powers" and comparing it to Macaque wanting to steal Mk's power, my theory here is saying:

Sun Wukong taught Macaque the technique of the same powers as he knew, but Macaque overused it (probably wanting to see how powerful he is, probably showing off and killing so many harmless people) doing terrible terrible things. So Monkey King took all of the powers from him and left him alone, powerless, with the last painful words: "Dont you dare to show in front of my eyes ever again". Of course Macaque was hurt, of course he didn't see why he's the bad guy, because he did not care about people at all. And of course Sun Wukong was hurt too.

Maybe he came back to the village Macaque had destroyed and following a quiet crying he found a little baby with a heart so clear and he put into him all Macaque's powers, making them sleep until the time will be right... But back to the series!

Yes exactly. Why did he destroy the lantern and leave? Why did he suddenly lose interest in teasing Mk and stop forcing him to feel guilty?

First thing, he saw Mk is ready to fight for his friends seriously. He still cared so much about them, not like Monkey King about Macaque. That was hard to swallow, that was hard to watch for the demon. That was't the thing he wanted to see. And second, the flashback. Maybe the sudden realization that he actually did something bad. Cause Sun Wukong didn’t just leave him, he cast him out. It was hard to admit that he actually deserved this (or maybe much more), it’s much easier to blame others, not yourself. So Macaque felt “that’s enough” and left. Mk brought him to this uncomfortable point of admitting the truth. Which he didn’t want to. Maybe in the following eps, he will see it, but now Macaque just isn’t ready yet. But the last talk with Mk gives me a little hope. He stopped treating him like a tool or toy, he was actually talking with him like with a person, he even warned him about Lady Bone Demon.

Maybe (maybe) one day he'll see that humans aren't just useless creatures he can carelessly kill, maybe Mk will make him care and realize what he's done, but that's just speculation in speculation, he could die before he reaches that point, maybe he is already dead....

And that's it. That is all I wrote on ao3, but in the fanfic I put much more details and I build those characters up much more than here. This is only rough rough short-saying, I'm really sorry if you read it all

Oh and here is a link if you liked this above i'd love if you read the fanfic thank you

[fangirlsmood]

Tomioka Giyuu x reader - inferiority complex

Summary : Noticing how Giyuu doesn't know his own worth, you try to remedy his inferiority complex.

Warnings : Spoilers about Giyuu’s past.

author notes : Seeing our little Giyuu blame and put himself down breaks my heart, it's time for someone to comfort him and tell him what an amazing person he is.

_ Tomioka-san ! 

Hearing your voice, Giyuu stopped in his walk and turned to you, nodding his head to greet you. You noticed that he was holding a bunch of papers, probably a mission report he had to return to Oyakata-sama.

_ You’re already back ! After filing your report, would you accept ...

_ No.

_ But...

You've been begging him for a while to train you. He had saved you a few months ago from a demon and since then you had only one wish: to become like him. You were infinitely grateful to him and you were so admiring. Not really knowing how to fight but wanting to be useful you had started to help at the Butturfly estate. However you wanted to do more, you wanted to save people before they could get hurt like Giyuu had done for you.

_ Ask another person.

_ Kocho-san is already taking care of Kanao, Rengoku of his little brother ... Everyone else is too busy to spend time with me. I want you to train me... please.

He looked you straight in the eye for a moment then sighed, unable to resist your perseverence :

_ Fine. I will train you but don't expect me to be a good teacher.

Since that day Giyuu trained you every time he return from a mission. You couldn't be happier. The training was difficult, tiring and sometimes painful but for you it was an honor. Even if he didn’t said it Giyuu was proud to see your progress. Besides, it was nice for him to have company. 

•••••••••••

One day, at the end of a hashira meeting, Rengoku came to approach him.

_ Tomioka ! We don't see much anymore (Y/n) at the Butterfly estate. I heard that you train her.

 He nodded, Rengoku let out one of his loud laughs :

_ It's surprising ! I had offered to train her but she had refused. Is she doing well?

_ She’s not bad.

It was surprising indeed. You told him that no one was available to train you and he learned it was a lie. Why had you been lying to him? He didn't understand what you could gain from it.

••••••••••

That night he found you serving dinner for both of you like you did almost every day since you had become his student. 

_ Welcome home ! How was the meeting ?

_ Good.

His gaze immediately made you uncomfortable. Usually he always gave you a warm look, while now he was looking at you coldly, as if he had difficulty recognizing you. He took a seat in front of you and began to eat. After a heavy silence which weighed on him as well as on you, he decided to speak :

_ Why did you lie to me ?

You did not remember having committed such an act against him. Seeing your confused stare he developed his point :

_ Rengoku told me he offered to train you. Why did you tell me that no one has time for you ?

You didn't think he would find out someday. Nothing in his attitude or his voice let show anger but you knew he was necessarily upset. Giyuu was a man of his word and honor, for him a lie was a lack of respect. You were terribly ashamed, however, you manage to stammer an explanation :

_ Oh ! It’s not what you think ! In fact it is but... I mean I didn’t really thought about it... Believe me it was far from my intentions to disrespect you, I would have never offended you on purpose ! I just... I just wanted to be trained by you.

_ Rengoku is a really good and strong man. You should have accepted his proposal. 

He marked a pause.

_ Go back to him, if you ask him I think his offer still stands.

Was Giyuu denying you? Did he no longer want you as a student? He got up and turned his back to you as if to end this discussion but you got up in turn, you wanted to stay by his side: 

_ I don’t want anyone else to train me ! 

_ It would be better for you.  He will be able to take care of you and make you evolve. 

Suddenly you realized what was going on. Giyuu thought Rengoku was a better hashira than him. Didn't he know how strong he was too? You stood in front of him so you could look him in the eye, so he would know you weren't lying :

_ You’re strong too. And you’re a good professor. 

_ You don’t know what you’re talking about. I am stronger than you that’s all. 

_ You’re a hashira ! You’re one of the strongest !

He lowered his head you saw in his eyes, him who was usually so impassive, a hint of sadness.

_ I don't deserve this title. I shouldn't be there.

_ What do you mean ? 

You noticed that his hands tightened on his haori.The words struggled out of his throat, as if part of him wanted to hold them back while another wanted to get them out :

_  Those who owned the two parts of this haorie should be there, they should be alive. Them, not me.

It was the first time Giyuu had talked about his past. You kept silent, you didn't want to rush him. You just wanted to understand him, reassure him, make him feel surrounded. 

_ (Y/n)... I know you admire me and it's nice to have someone so dedicated by my side but you don't know everything. You idealize me. I am not a strong. I am not a good person.

One of his hand clenched the red part of his haorie :

_ I wasn’t strong enough to protect my sister...

His other hand clenched on the other part :

_ I shouldn't have passed the Demon Slayer exam ... Sabito should have, he was much stronger, much better in everything, but he protected me and it cost him his life.

You were speechless. Knowing that Giyuu, who was so generous, strong and usually impassive, had suffered so much broke your heart. You wanted to cry for him but you knew it would only cause drama. You will cry another day, now you needed to cheer up your beloved master.

_ Rengoku will know how to protect you, you will be safe with him. 

••••••••••

The next morning Giyuu couldn't find you anywhere. He assumed you had chosen to join Rengoku. He was sure it was the best option and it suited him for the moment. He felt ridiculous for confiding in you last night, and was too embarrassed to see you again. Nevertheless he had become so used to your presence that he already missed you. Part of him regretted telling you to leave. 

Fortunately you came back little less than a month after your departure and with a surprise. You ran to him yelling a "tomioka-san" as a greeting before handing him a package. A little taken aback he examined it for a moment. Impatient you pressed him a little : 

_   It's a gift for you! Open it !

He followed your instructions and found a nice little bundle of papers taht were of different sizes and different colors. The writings and the ink used were also diverse. You started to explain nervously :

_ I wanted you to know how amazing you are, so I asked the hashira, your old master and a few of the people you saved to write down what they liked about you or what you had did good for them ... Oyakata-sama and Gyomei-san could’nt write but they dictated to me and I transcribed everything ... I didn't think it would take so long to contact everyone, sorry ... 

He had already started to read. Everyone had written something even Obanai, Sanemi and Shinobu had found a few nice things to say. Shinobu had recounted a mission accomplished with Giyuu and admitted that without him it would have been a failure while Obanai and Sanemi were content to write a single sentence where they said that Giyuu was not "that bad" and that "some of these techniques were quite impressive". Urokodaki gently reprimand him so that he would stop always blaming himself and telling him that he was proud of him. 

And finally there was your letter. It was the longest and as he read it he wanted to cry with joy. He wondered what he had done to deserve so much praise, he wanted to deny all these compliments but you had written a real reasoning full of examples to support your words that he was obliged to recognize his qualities. 

He felt his heart melt. it must have taken so much effort from you to collect all these little words, it was a real treasure that you had just offered him. You watched him silently in his reading which lasted a long time and since he didn't say anything you wondered if it was really a good idea :

_ Erm... Do you like it ? It's okay if you don't, but keep them anyway. That way you could always reread them when you needed to ... you know ... know how amazing you are.

A smile covered his face and you noticed that his eyes were bright like a child who discovers the world. His smile was so faint you might not have noticed though it was the sweetest you've ever seen. 

_ Thank you. It's the nicest thing anyone's done for me. It must have taken a lot of effort from you to convince Obanai, Sanemi and Kocho and put it all together.

_ You deserve all the effort in the world.

You gave him a huge smile and he believed you. He felt all the weight he had on his heart, all his guilt shut up in the face of all these kind words. For the first time Giyuu told himself not only that he was lucky to have you by his side but also that he deserved to be happy. Every time he read one of the letters he said to himself, although it was still hard for him not to doubt it, that he was worthy. More than feeling worthy, he felt loved.

••••••••••

Navigation

[iaintyourbro]

The Unknown Journey Continues

Part 1

I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.

Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?

The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...

(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)

Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.

So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.

I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."

Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):

Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids” since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?

Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny. Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.

Time Loops

I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)

On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.

Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.

NieR

So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.

Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).

The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.

Fixed Points in Time

It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:

Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.

How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).

Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.

One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.

I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.

Xenogears

Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.

In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.

In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.

There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).

If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.

Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)

Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.

How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII

I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.

A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.

It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.

It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.

I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?

JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!

Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//

I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.

...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)

....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Really important to remember the let people grow thing.

I'm 20 now. I've been on Tumblr since I was 16, I've been using this specific username on various sites since I was fucking ten years old. There's… there's definitely been some growth in the past decade (apart from anything else, I'm about a foot taller).

I regularly have the experience, particularly on Youtube (since that's the platform I've used the longest) of clicking on a video I haven't watched in years, reading a particularly stupid comment, thinking "what idiot wrote that?" and then reading the username and timestamp and realising "oh, right. Me, aged fourteen." And I do have moments of paranoia in which I imagine people coming for me about stuff I posted years ago and no longer believe. Because that is a plausible thing that I have seen happen to other people online.

And I do think that one of the reasons this is so common on Tumblr in particular— aside from the general culture— is that the format of the site means that posts don't tend to show up in chronological order, and timestamps often aren't visible.

Early last month, people were reblogging a post calling for a boycott of Youtube for a few days in December. The original post was from 2019— the boycott had already happened, and Youtube had apparently since responded and fixed the issue being protested— but there were tons of people in the notes posting in 2020 promising to take part. If you get a message about a post you wrote years ago, then maybe it's because somebody was scrolling through your blog looking for dirt, but equally likely it just showed up on somebody's dash today and they assumed it was recent.

This is to say, ideally don't post call out posts, but also if you feel obliged to do so then do your fucking research. Check the timestamps on the posts that you're using as 'evidence', and check the offending blog to see whether this person still has this opinion. If the post is years old, then please take the time to think about what you were like years ago, whether you still have all the opinions and beliefs you had then, and how you'd feel if somebody came up with you now and started having a conversation with a version of you that may no longer exist.

i need some of you to realize that call out culture, by design, rewards people who make the most outrageous & aggressive accusations, without regards to truth or context. it encourages people to misconstrue, to erase context, to outright lie. it feeds the instinct to attack, with or without cause. 

and that naturally enables certain types of people (terfs, exclusionists, bigots) who already have a vitriolic bandwagon behind them, to target & harass minority bloggers whose inclusive platforms they do not like to see becoming popular.

this has happened time and again, it has driven good people off this site, it is traumatic and unhealthy to everyone involved. purity culture creates an atmosphere of fear & paranoia, i am begging you to reexamine this attitude of mob violence in online spaces