#''my mother never gave me anything''
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S3! Mahidevran sultan + The burden of love and duty
I'm ready to burn in hell to keep you safe.
Orla Gartland / Anne Carson / Japanese Breakfast / Benjamin Alire Sáenz / Margaret Atwood / Sarah Kinsley
#this is a messy mix of a web weaving and a mahi edit but anyways. just trying something new#is this about the burden of her old memories?#or is it about her duty as mother of mustafa & the burden of just being alone as a parent & as a counselor with a sehzade thats is learning#and a Sultan that will never get it#or maybe the burden of feeling you need to do anything for your sehzade's future. at the cost of your conscience#??? well actually is about mahi carrying the burden of the whole show on her shoulders /j#I'm not really sure tbh. but there's really something about having your whole life dedicated to raise a good ruler to the empire you're an#slave of#that's crazy to me like oh god#and having NO WAY to win because you're just doomed by the padisah's favouritism and your son's love for his father#like when is my girlie resting. she gave her all#sisyphus type of role as kosem's...#mahidevran sultan#magnificent century#muhtesem yuzyil#perioddramaedit#my edits#mc edit#graphics#graphic edit#web weaving#(kind of)#forgot to say I kinda tried drawing thingies here#they look weird when you zoom so don't look at them very much. they only work if you see them from the distance#filter credits to crownedfilters in ig
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JoJo Siwa doesn’t deserve all the hate (and homophobia) she’s getting for her style and music; but she does deserve scrutiny for defending Colleen Ballinger and being both active and complicit in abuse that happened on her TV show. Like the girl has been under the public eye in unhealthy environments all her life; cut her some slack — not too much; she’s still a responsible adult — but if you’re going to dogpile her, then at least dogpile her for the right reasons. Jesus Fucking Christ.
#jojo siwa#discourse#Her comment sections are VILE#I actually don’t hate her songs. They’re basically early-2000s new old stock and I like early 2000s music#Is she trying too hard to look like an “adult?” Yes. But that’s understandable.#What isn’t understandable is screaming at children for no fucking reason#and JoJo not helping at all when a girl was hemorrhaging out her belly button#when JoJo’s mother told the girl to “put a pad on it”#I don’t care how afraid you are of your parents; you END that shit the second you see it#I was raised in a cult and I actively sabotaged my parents’ preaching work on multiple occasions#I didn’t know if I’d get kicked out if they found out I did that; the only reason I still have a relationship with them#is because they never found out about my later sabotage#Dad preached to a waitress dangling a cure for her sons’ disorder in front of her nose as incentive to join and gave her literature#So I went to the restaurant with him and insisted I pay for the tip.#I gave her eight dollars and a sticky note with a bunch of keywords about the cult’s abuses to look up#The next time I went there#she said didn’t understand the sticky note and asked me while he was gone what I meant#I hate talking to people especially when I’m under pressure because I trip over my words even when I’m NOT anxious#But her kids’ lives being free of a cult meant more to me than avoiding a momentary discomfort so I gave a quick rundown#She thanked me and heeded my warning basically playing along with me and not saying anything to my dad about it#I was 20; JoJo was about 19 when her show was going on#She had no excuse for allowing her mom to do that.#At the very least she could have said “Oh god I’m so sorry she said that. Please don’t hurt yourself for my show; go to the hospital.”#But no. She didn’t do that. In fact she screamed at children and joked that if they were crying then it was a good show.#Bitch come here and do that in front of me. I double dog dare you. I may only be 5’5” but I fight dirty and I’m angrier than you#Sorry. I guess I do hate her… for THAT specifically.#Like yeah I’ve fucked up with the kids I help and yelled when I didn’t have to but I HATED doing it and tried to do better later#Why someone would SCREAM at kids on purpose for long periods of time for no reason is beyond me
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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Frederick and different hairstyles
#the last one is my concept for I guess veilguard freddy before I even knew it was a thing#I just knew I wanted to see Frederick if he was old#and i did not get my wish :( bioware why#not to make wynne traditionally motherly but i love her and frederick's relationship#cause he misses his mother so badly and she reminds him of her so bad#i'd like to think that wynne enjoys treating him as the son she kind of never had. as though making up time with the son she gave up#she's rad as heck and I love her dearly#i also love the idea of leliana experimenting with fred's hair since her hair is a bit short to do anything with#and then he'll return the favor as I imagine he'll braid her hair as it grows longer#anyway enough ramblings (though believe me there are more thoughts brewing in this little head of mine)#art#my art#frederick cousland#grey warden#dragon age#dragon age origins#leliana#wynne
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when the theater guy WHAT
I went to see the FNaF Movie today and seeing as I have a total of Zero friends in real world event range and both of my parents hate horror I had to go to the theater by myself for the very first time in my life, which was fine. Until it wasn't
The dude in charge of ticket checks stops me and instead of asking to see a ticket asks if the mask I was wearing was part of some costume. Little black cloth face mask, covid thing. He was an old man on a scooter and not wanting to have a discussion with this tiny old man about Covid19 I just went along with it and said sure yeah. It kind of was anyway, it has a little bear mouth on it and I was wearing Bear Ears and a brown cardigan as well.
Man goes "You can't wear a mask in here." I say "Why not?" He says "You can't wear a mask in here." I go, "I heard that part. Why Not. "Policy, I don't make the rules, just enforce them." I realize this man is being paid minimum wage to sit here and police people so I go, "Okay." and walk past him because he's just some guy in a little scooter in the middle of the atrium and he hasn't asked for my ticket so I assume that's Not His Job
He calls me back for my ticket so I take out my phone with the QR code with my ticket on it and he takes my phone to (I assumed) scan the code and then he pulls out his walkie and calls his manager and I realize very quickly he is not scanning my ticket and I want to Leave Now.
"Can I have my phone back?" "When my manager gets here."
"Give me my phone back." "When my manager gets here."
"Bill. Give me. My Phone." "As soon as my manager gets here"
I make a swipe to grab my phone from him and this tiny little 60 something man in a scooter in the middle of a theater atrium as the audacity to hold it back over his head like I am a Toddler he is preventing from grabbing at a knife.
I am now having a panic attack.
Manager walks over and I am a broken little Autistic man who just wanted to watch a Bad Horror Movie (it was actually pretty good) so I scream at this lanky probably 30-something in the middle of a Cinemark Theater Atrium with many a random bystander around "TELL HIM. TO GIVE ME. MY PHONE."
I swipe my phone from Bill's hand, full turn, and bolt out the door half way across the parking lot and call my mother in a heap on the sidewalk.
It's a very good thing the Five Nights at Freddy's movie was way better than I was expecting or today would have been awful.
#I never rant about anything ever but Oh My God#Oh???? My God???? What the Hell??????#I should point out. I might have said 'tell him to give me my fucking phone'#I say might because I Do Not Remember perfectly#As I was mid panic attack and was really fighting back the urge to Hit That Old Man#But I have been told I swear just a little when I'm too stressed#The manager was SO apologetic like the second he walked onto the scene I do remember that#He followed me at first when I ran but as soon as I was out of the building it was out of his hands so#I came back with my mother and she talked to him and it's like#The little old man is just. Kind of stupid. And an extreme rule follower#No Costume/Halloween masks in the theater is the rule and TECHNICALLY I did tell him the mask I was wearing was a costume piece#Is that still any reason for Taking Someone's Fucking Phone??? No absolutely not#But that's apparently ANOTHER rule#If there's anything sus about someone he's to hold their proof of entry (ticket) until a manager arrives#Which is most certainly a rule about Forgery Paper Tickets and NOT about holding someone's cellular device hostage over a mask#But like I said. This man is very locked on rules and had no common sense apparently#He gave us complimentary tickets after that so that was neat I guess#Anyway. The FNaF movie's good.#I enjoyed it a LOT better than I've enjoyed any of the games#I really was expecting a trash show like the books but man. Man#It was fun.#Not scary like at all but. Very fun.#You could go in knowing nothing about FNaF and come out with the most baseline knowledge which is fun#A good straightforward starting point#However I was disappointment in the lack of Autistic Children talking through the movie!!! Honestly!!!#I wanted to hear a child three seats down info dumping to their parent dammit!!!#Like with the Mario Movie!!!
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OTL.
#shrimp thoughts#bad person confession: i was never taught to do anything at home#my mother would bring me food and do all the dishes and clean everything on her own and then complain that i don't do shit#and on one hand i'm resentful because she made me into a completely useless worthless thing rather than a human person#on the other hand her foolproof way of cleaning right about everything is 'pour cleaning agent and forget'#stains? streaks? oh it's not my fault i didn't know :( i thought you can leave bleach on stuff until the heat death of the universe :(#so maybe i actually lucked out.#anyway grandma gave her toilet stylish blue streaks so i guess it's genetic.#i'm not going to wish i was dead. i'm not going to wish i was dead i'm going to write my fic and then go and buy hand cream and fried rice.#i'm not going to wish i w ah fuck relapsed
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idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3
#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions#and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day#and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz#all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3'#never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home#because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL#and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up#never talked about all the other stuff for a while.#also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it#except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them#after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great.#ANYWAY just wondering <333#also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc#been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat#never learned how to handle any of that <333#recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3#they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333#good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer#but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333#wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha#maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔#anyway anyway just thinking haha
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Look I don't know what the fuck antarctica is.
It's like stuff your ass ain't surviving past though
#I could see myself as a dragon the sixe of creation watching you breathe fire for me though#the little dragon female is like whaever you want master *poof* *puff* *snap dragon*#and the master dragon breathes into creation once again#look honey I had to grow it process it and sometimes ship it over the Christopher Columbus route#it's the most crazy part of it all and I already know it's true because I was there and I am going to be there#it was a simple time#car ride and some food#the old man that I like is there and things go well usually#I kinda remember me thinking about myself man what is this guy's deal#like after seeing myself selling nothing can ever compare#me: dude I would NEVER work at a restaurant that is for chicks#and yet there I am pretending I suppose#like how about I retire and go manage a restaurant like no mother fucker that's not what he does....he does those two#waitresses#uh well if anything gets a bell 133 I can claim it solo or in pair#I want to take extra sugar with you and one hand on each hood just gently letting you both feel my spark#connecting one hand with two hands#it's like water if you stare at each hydrogen right you gave two hos#but yanno let's get naked and get high and have fun and if you want to call it magic then that's what it is#she says wait til you taste that meat#shot out to your pics with your eyes red as fuck though.... that's hot#one thing you don't want to do is bring a dreamcast into my domain and not expect me to unlock the company logo to fight you#like logos ethos pathos.....like more than they claim but they don't know shit#like yeah.....I wanna slowly feel my bulge as you both demonstrate and begin the way of the hiot#yeah you've been doing it for years let's see it first#first time for me anyway#which makes it your most important teaching hoot#drugs teacher student relationship#sex: owner slave (s' down the line) relationship#I never wanted to be a phlebotomist but for you I will learn
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oh! my nephew stayed here last night, and he told me that his grandma's partner - the most annoying, conceited, boring man I have ever met - said he doesn't like it that I always contradict him :)
I've met this guy maybe... 5-10 times total? and every time he manages to say something even more stupid than the last! it's almost impressive! like, he thinks he knows everything. and no one ever says anything, they just let him talk because it's not worth it (I know that because almost every one of them has told me this).
but I get too pissed off when it's something I care about. and I'm an adult now, I can talk back to shitty adults, I don't give a fuck.
anyway, I just think it's absolutely hilarious that he feels that way and now I'll do it even more often :) it's very fun when I ask him what his sources are for what he's saying and he just stammers some bullshit and tries to say that's not the point (pretty sure it's 100% telegram and tik tok, because that's the kind of useless old guy he is).
#some fun recent examples include... my niece gave back my rainbow high doll. he saw it and commented that it's disgusting that dolls#sexualise little girls like that because of crop tops and high heels and makeup and garter belts. what the fuck man. no one is sexualising#anything except YOU#that's a fashion doll. meant to be like 15. wearing fun pretty clothes and colourful makeup. if you look at that and think oh that's#too sexy. then I'm sorry but that's YOUR problem#(and garter belts??? it was some decoration hanging off her skirt what the fuck.)#he didn't like it when I said that no one ever says toys for boys have to be good role models :)#got realllly pissy when I wouldn't stop :) like hello dude you know there's something you can do if you don't want anyone to respond to your#fucking bullshit right? it's called THINKING. just keep that shit in your head#I'll keep doing this until he no longer wants to say dumb shit when I'm around :) (so. forever probably. but he's old he'll die before me so#it'll be fine).#oh and one time he tried to convince us that regular people in the UK are better off since Brexit. hello? dude you don't speak a damn word#of English. you barely know how to order a drink or something. how the fuck would you know#it drives me insane. he couldn't be any more mediocre and stupid if he tried. yet he thinks he's the greatest person ever#can't fucking stand him#and men like him in general. (yes it is only ever men. women like my mother are similar but they're never this fucking sure of their shitty#opinions.)#(in fact they usually give up way too easily. in my experience at least.)
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spiraling is so wild first im pissed that my drawing didnt look good now i dont think ill ever forgive my family for their treatment of me
#im sick of being babied because theres a man whos taller than me 🙂#'ooohfhgf yr so little im sorry about how you dont know anything 🥺🥺'#< talking to a 5'7 person who swims at least twice a week has a 3.97 gpa and calls my grandparents more than my parents do#if i try to make jokes to not just fucking PISS EVERYONE OFF they think ohh so silly woman. never had an opinion 🙂#nothing i say is ever serious dont even FUCKING worry 👍👍#its fucking pathetic. at my brothers age i was like i can relate to this scary character haha#cue my mother swooping in to be like noo this isnt you#AND HE FUCKING SENDS SOMEBODY TO THE HOSPITAL IN HOCKEY. BUT ITS FINE BECAUSE HE PLAYS BETTER HOCKEY THAN ME#all you have to do here is be strong. physically not mentally because knowing you have undiagnosed adhd for#a literal third of yr life doesnt count. BUT if yr shoulders are too big for the prom dress that they think you want to wear its also over#and my brother is so butthurt from also growing up in this wack ass situation that he wont let me have ANYTHING.#sorry that you dont think i can read a map or whatever the fuck#sorry that you THINK you make more money than me at yr silly sports job#WHEN IM TRAINED TO HOLD 150 POUNDS TREADING WATER. sorry i got illegally scheduled and it gave me heat cramps#silly me.
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I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset
#I have this coworker who is about my mom’s age#I love her and she’s a wonderful person and she’s such a good parent to her kids#her autistic queer kids and she fights for them and defends them all the time#she values their interests and does things they love with them and supports their choices and jusy#ugh#today she gave me a hug because ‘it’s really seemed like I wasn’t doing okay’#and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’#and I kinda teared up#my own parents don’t even know about everything that has happened with my roommate or the friends I’ve lost this year#I don’t tell them. and I could but it wouldn’t matter#my mother wouldn’t care. she definitely wouldn’t sympathize or give me a hug over it#she wouldn’t comfort me#my dad my try but he lives thousands of miles away#and I love my dad but I didn’t get to know him until I was 17#I don’t think he’s really like… a dad you know?#he’s more like some weird friend or MAYBE an uncle than anything#which is fine! I think it’s really the best we can do and like I said I do love him and I know he loves me#but it’s still… different than a parent you know?#and sometimes I just ache knowing I don’t get parents…#I don’t get that relationship that so many ppl have that’s so important to them#and it just doesn’t feel fair and makes me feel really sad#I’m glad I’m as independent as I am but even that doesn’t feel fair#I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…. I never should have had to do that anyways….#and I just feel sad because I got a hug from my coworker that made me want to sob#because it’s like damn… is this a teeny tiny taste of what having an actual good mom is like?#I missed out on so much….#kaz rambles
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Uuuuuuughhhhhhhhhh
#rye rambles#my grandmother is pressuring me about grad school#and my father is trying to bribe me to go to a college near him by offering to pay never mind it doesn’t offer programs in anything I’d want#and I’m expected to be thankful for this bribery#because the man owns a house with an entire level another family could live in without running into each other#and a bloody indoor pool and hot tub#and can afford to take expensive cruises whenever they damn well please#but bitches about buying me presents for holidays and scolding us all we need to appreciate them#and gets mad at me for spending the money my mother gave me on fun stuff on vacations#but yeah I need to be thankful he’s offering something I didn’t ask for that only benefits him#because he’d have easier access to me#never mind that he’s moved by choice so many times in my life and it was never once closer to ME#but I’m expected to uproot the little life I’ve created here for HIM???#when I know damn well I’d still be the one expected to visit them and drop everything for their plans#I don’t want him to pay for my grad school. I don’t want anyone to except maybe my employer and scholarships#I don’t want to be beholden to anyone in that way#and just honestly fuck him#fuck him and his money and rich little life that I was never really a part of#only a fucking trophy to show off about how well behaved I was because mom raised me#look at how smart they are! look at their achievements! isn’t what I created great!#he couldn’t even be fucking bothered to say congrats when I graduated with three majors#and gods forbid there’s the possibility I might be more knowledgeable on a topic than him#he can’t even respect my identity or friends or my girlfriend who I’ve been with for years#but no I’m the terrible person if I don’t thank him for his generous gift of trying to get me to fit his life when he’s the bastard#who forced me into existence and then didn’t try to be apart of mine
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godbless my grandma for helping me acquire gender clothes teehee
#she's part of (created maybe??) this big ass scheme in which richer people donate their secondhanded (sometimes new) cloths and stuff#they give them to her and she's distributes to other people. if the people don't want anything they donate to someone else#but she always lets me take a look at the clothing and let me take smth if i want. its where most of my clothes come from ahdhahsh#and since the mother would never let me buy masculine clothes in her presence i take my gender stuff from this :3#and i got a new jacket that my mom saw and didn't let me bring home. but my grandma kept it and gave it to me in secret eheheh#AND ITS SO GENDER GRRRR#got a new band shirt as well. teehee#lua talks#clothes*#hh typos
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SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
You know what? Fuck you. I am a "men's rights activist."
I'm for trans men having gender-affirming marks on identification and paperwork and still being able to access OBGYN and pregnancy care, and contraceptives.
I'm for all men's restrooms including baby changing stations, because fathers exist and need to change their babies.
I'm for black men having a voice and being seen and heard, and not assumed to be predators for being both black and men.
I'm for fathers gaining custody of their children in the face of a court system which favors the mother, stating that a child should "never be without their mother," granting custody to even the abusive mothers while taking it away from their fathers.
I'm for boys receiving both 'boy' sex education and 'girl' sex education, so they know how periods and pregnancy actually work.
I'm for boys and men giving and receiving emotional checkups, hugs, and everything soft because boys and men both deserve softness. Boys and men deserve to express their emotions healthily. To know how to express emotions healthily.
Men deserve access to care, patience, love and kindness.
#Im a trans dude but I have been around a lot more men than women#mostly because I get along with guys more than the women around me trying to force femininity on me at every turn#and MY GOD my male family members and friends are DEPRIVED#my poor dad had to fight tooth and nail with a court system cause despite EVERYTHING POINTING TO MY MOTHER#BEING WAAY TOO MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE#the court was still “the mother gets custody of her children because she is the mother”#if I recall. my mom's medical team gave multiple collective papers to my mom's lawyer saying basically “this woman is fucked up.”#and my friends have NEVER been given grace or kindness or anything. had a friend who basically had a target on his head at school#just cause he was a man and had that autistic “oddness” to him#he was called a rapist even though HE was the one SA'd. literally watched hit happen and in the same day the girl said “omg he touched#my boob!!“ girl I saw you try and pull down my friend's pants while he was telling you No#and all the black guys I have known who were treated terribly because of their manlyness. had a childhood friend who didnt perform#masculinity “right” and from what he vaguely hinted at. he was abused by his parents and was bullied when I wasnt around#even as a kid I saw how men were never given any kindness of any kind. only hatred and only malice#I UNDERSTAND WHERE ITS COMING FROM!!! but for men who have given you no reason to treat them like that. its just cruel.#I love my dad. I love my friends. I love all the men of color I have known and I want a better world for women AND men
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Ok I've been holding this back for years because I really don't wanna make the issue about white people but I, literally have never seen anyone say this and I personally need it to be said otherwise I'll go actually mad (victim of current/constant gaslighting speaking). World's Smallest Violin core if you know.
... I have more important things to say right now. I'll come back to this next time I see COTL update art on my dash because as of a week ago I can finally relate to The Lamb but in a Really Bad/sad way. I swear if I can't physically play the game anymore because of trauma I am going to be SO MAD because thats like the 5th comfort item this week that's been taken away from me and I can't have peeople assuming I dislike the game I DO I really really do it's just- arghhhh!?
#having a simon petrikov moment right now#literally what did i do to deserve this?#like i'm a selfish heartbreaker at times#but i'm not the worst person I know??#and they get the good ending#i am NOT the one who deserves cosmic punishment!#kinning Electra right now but in a REALLY BAD WAY#cotl goat#gender#important#personal#how the fuck am i the problem#i've never gotten that#i don't need to be taught anything i'm naturally better at being a good person than most of the people who tell me to be more selfless#like i'm sorry bro but i will not be convinced that i am As Bad#i refuse to have a Luz Noceda phase because i NEVER gave that idea any credence#stop RUINING my sparks of self-esteem mother!#and before you assume no i'm not a teenager#i am a legal adult. but she is Invasive. Rescue me pls
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the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane
#my dad was absent by choice and my mom by circumstance and i raised myself#god. that's fucked up#i saw a reel earlier about growing up with an absent mother and it just stung me to my core#all the little things i forgot. coming to her about something and i couldn't show her it. she would be napping or praying or something#and want me to leave her alone. or i would want to tell her about things and she wouldn't feel well and i would never get the chance#i asked her so many times when i was a teenager if we could do things and she was always too busy or not feeling well or forgot#or couldnt or wasnt interested. and then she would complain we never spent time together or did anything fun#she didnt go to any of my plays. or my graduation celebrations#or my choir performances. i had to drop clubs to take care of her#she would be on the phone when i needed to talk to her about things or ignore me after my dad gave me verbal beatings to sleep#and i would have to sit in the hall and cry quietly from like ages 7-10 for her to pay any attention when it got late#i had to hide food wrappers in the trash because she restricted the kind of food i could eat and did the crunchy mom food shaming thing#i didnt tell her about my friends or my life or my online world or even when i was being stalked by my ex. because she wouldn't listen#i just felt quiet and small and worthless around her. nothing was ever a big enough problem for her for it to be worth anything more than a#one-off discussion that she would forget about. all she ever talked about was my brother and she gave him so many more chances than me#i love her still. she's done a lot of good things for me and my partner#and she's learning how to be better and she tried her best with a tbi and shitty marriage and other stuff#that being said. she still doesnt feel like my mother#an aunt if anything. but i dont think i can ever really see her as my mother#because she took all my care and kindness and then left me to raise myself when i needed her. both intentionally and not#and i dont know how to forgive her for that#wow! thats therapy topics for latwer. goddamn.#vent
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