#like after seeing myself selling nothing can ever compare

[whereisthedamndaddymanual]

Look I don't know what the fuck antarctica is.

It's like stuff your ass ain't surviving past though

[hedgehog-moss]

I went to the small pizzeria in a nearby village last month and asked for a calzone, and when she brought it to me the owner had a look on her face I can only describe as bitter.

Naturally my first assumption was that she was judging me for my food order (maybe calzones are too easy compared to other pizzas and she felt under-challenged as a pizza chef?), but then I looked at my calzone and the more I looked at it, the more I felt like it might have been a failed attempt at a cat calzone.

(I didn't ask for a cat calzone, just a calzone.)

If I had immediately identified it as a cat calzone I would have of course said something about it, such as "Aww that's so cute! You made it in the shape of a cat!! Thank you!" — but it was too late. I hesitated too long, and it was just failed enough that I wasn't sure it was meant to be a cat.

I think this poor woman knew her cat calzone was a failure and I wouldn't be able to recognise her effort for what it was, hence the bitterness in her eyes when she brought it to me.

I asked my friend if my pizza looked like a cat to her, and she said "Are you saying this because of the olives? I think they were just placed randomly."

no, I think they were meant to be eyes, and a cat nose. And those are the ears. Wait, I'll turn it in your direction so you can see

Friend: "It's just a pointy calzone... Maybe you should ask the chef if she meant to make it a cat?"

If I tried to make a cat calzone and the recipient of this gift went like 'hey, sorry, is this weird-looking thing meant to be cat?' I would sell my pizza restaurant and drown myself in the river.

After considering this, my friend said we could brainstorm a better phrasing—but then we ended up agreeing that since the chef didn't go 'haha sorry I tried to make a cat and failed!!' when she brought my pizza, the options were a) she didn't try to make a cat; b) she feels humiliated by her failure, and either way it's better to say nothing.

But I felt deeply curious about this unresolved mystery, so this week when I went back to the pizzeria I asked for a calzone again.

The options were now: a) the chef brings me a better, recognisable cat calzone and I immediately remark upon it and she's happy and we erase the failed cat calzone from the historical record and never mention it ever;

or b) the chef brings me a normal calzone, which suggests that the vague cat shape from last time was accidental and just another instance of chronic cat pareidolia.

(I refused to consider option c) The chef brings me another failed, hardly-recognisable cat. She just doesn't seem like the kind of person who would let that happen to her twice.)

Here's the photo of the failed cat calzone from last time, which, according to my friend, just looks like a pointy calzone with randomly-placed olives and not a deliberate attempt to make a cat:

And here's what the chef brought me this time:

THAT'S A CAT.

I knew it!!!!

And it looks so sad!! This cat calzone looks like it will burst into olive oil tears if you once again fail to identify it as the cat that it is

But I didn't; I was so ready this time. I went "A cat!!!!! It's so cute!" and the chef went like yes!!! I tried to make one last time but it looked weird :(

I said I was pretty sure it was a cat last time and apologised for not bringing it up and she said no, it's my responsibility to make it a decent cat. She also said she was glad I'd come back and ordered another calzone because she was really bothered ("vraiment embêtée") by that first failed attempt, and wondering if I'd noticed an attempt was made (and failed)

That's so relatable. It's like when you make a really embarrassing spelling mistake in a text and you're not sure if the other person has seen it and is judging you for it. Should you bring it up? Can it go unnoticed if you don't? It's the cat calzone equivalent of that. I'm so glad we were able to clear the air.

[000yul]

a friend asked for a quick and dirty TL of the new lunar new year official manhua oneshot (Let's Share a Meal Together) so i Tried★ it's a treat!! perfect for the new year

i forget how the siblings address each other in the official TL so i'm winging it here oops .: The movie has concluded, please leave in an orderly fashion. N: Ooh~ These two hours were well-spent. Even if they can't compare to me, this director's pretty promising. N: Hey! Watch where you're going! .: S-sorry…

N: Really now. … N: Feels like Lungmen's been more crowded than usual recently… N: Right! N: It's that time of year again.

(cover) Siblings though they may be, their tastes have nothing in common.

N: So… N: I'm thinking we should have a family dinner for New Year's Eve. CY: I don't know where you got this idea, CY: but that's fine by me.

CY: I don't think you'll find the others as easy to convince though. CY: Ling's such a free spirit you might find it hard to see her in time, let alone Dusk. CY: You don't get along with Dusk. Didn't you guys get into a fight over the bowl of noodles you cooked for her before? N: Bro, aren't you tired? (I know I am, just from watching…) CY: If you persevere every day, you wouldn't tire from something like this. CY: Nian, you should also exercise. Then in daily life, you'll… N: When it comes to martial arts, I'm pretty sure you have everyone in Great Yan beat. CY: Haha, you speak too highly. Even if that were true, if I let my guard down, in forty years there might be someone who can defeat me. N: It's just forty years. With a mortal lifespan, how many people are going to be able to match your years of practice?

CY: It's precisely because their lives are so short compared to ours CY: that the rate of their progress is beyond our imagination. CY: That's why I believe it's all the more important for us to spend time bettering ourselves. CY: Nian, if you feel like you have too much free time, how about I draw you up a training regimen… N: Wow, look at the time, I'm going to miss the next bus. N: I've rented a place in Lungmen, the address is as I said, don't be late, byee! CY: Sigh… This child is as impatient as ever…

Shangshu City N: Well, I've reached this pavilion… N: Why do all these peaks look the same… (bottle of booze) N: … N: She's not taking the bait, is she… N: (Last time Ling showed up for Second Brother's cup…) N: (I guess this doesn't compare…)

N: Open sesame, spin the bottle, whee! L: (I really don't want to show myself.) N: BOSS! GET OUT HERE, I WANT A REFUND! .: Ah…? N: YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS SO GOOD IT COULD TEMPT AN IMMORTAL TO DESCEND! N: THIS USELESS-ASS—

N: piece of… N: When did you get here? L: I've been sitting here for a while now. N: How did you know I'd be here today? L: It came to me in a dream, let's say. N: (here's a souvenir cup I got you.)

L: So what winds called you here from far away? L … I see, so you wanted to call us together for New Year's Eve dinner. L: I'm not against this on principle, but I'm afraid I can't make it that day. N: Why? L: A prior appointment.

L: Ten years ago I asked someone to brew some wine for me, and I'm due to pick it up this year, on the 30th. L: The flavour won't be right if I'm even a day early, L: and after the 30th, they're going to close for the New Year. L: It's true that this time is a big occasion for the people of Great Yan. It's a once-a-year occasion, after all. L: But that has nothing to do with us. L: Let's do it another day. N: You'll regret not having a taste of my homemade hotpot!! L: (Does she think that's a selling point…) L: It looks like little sister Dusk has a storm coming her way…

D: Who goes there? D: NIAN! IF YOU WANT TO DIE I CAN OBLIGE!!

D: You vandalised my art for THIS? N: Wow, the face you're making is ugly as hell. D: I'm not going. D: I can't believe you ever thought me saying yes was a possibility. N: You'll regret not having a taste of my homemade hotpot!! D: Do you think that's a selling point!? N: Oh, right! There's a hot new artist's exhibition in Lungmen. I went to see it and it's pretty good! Aren't you interested? D: If you like it, I definitely won't!

D: I have no interest in the artwork of others. D: Also, if you want a reunion so badly, D: one day we'll all reunite no matter how we feel about it. No? N: Again with that tired old crap.

N: One day, N: I'll make it so that you never say that again. D: Hmph. D: Get lost.

N: Oh man, in the end only you showed up. CY: Haha, well, I hope I suffice. CY: I sent word to the Sui Regulator. N: Ah! CY: I knew it'd slip your mind. N: Man! None of them can commit worth a damn!

N: Will there ever be a time where we can just go somewhere together for a day? N: Like normal people, N: Like a normal family.

L: Ahh~ L: Looks like I'm out of wine L: I should seek out more… D: What a pain. D: I should knock some sense into her.

CY: Nian, CY: Let's get a hotpot with a divider. For spicy and non-spicy. N: Were you even listening? N: No. N: Absolutely not. N: Nooooooooo.

N: Bro! I thought you could handle spice! CY: Alright, now that the shopping is wrapped up, let's head back. N: Why'd you insist on the split hotpot..! N: Brother!! CY: I just think being prepared is a good thing. (Also, I'm not as good with spice as you are.) CY: And, CY: It's not just humans who are capable of change. D: Open up, it's too cold out. D: Idiot. CY: See.

D: What? Your staring is making me lose my appetite. N: Hehe, N: Doesn't the real thing taste better than ink? D: Hmph. Whatever. N: Whoa, it started!

N: I was part of the prep for this year's fireworks show in Lungmen! N: Check out my Super Deluxe Two-Step Firecracker! D: So.. the reason you picked Lungmen was…? L: Alright, alright. L: Dusk, L: It's okay. Open your eyes and see.

N?: It's over. N: It'd be nice if more of us showed up next year. CY: Any more of us and the Sui Regulator is going to start raising a fuss. L: True~ D: I'll skip next time. N: We had such a nice mood going on, couldn't you guys at least try to not kill it? L: Yes, this is nice once in a while.

D: There's nothing special about playing house. CY: Even playing house is nice sometimes. CY: That's why we've gathered here today. CY: Happy new year. L: Happy new year~ N: Happy new year! D: … Happy new year.

N: Alright, we've mostly cleaned our plates and eaten and drunk our fill. N: That leaves one last question. N: Who's doing the dishes? N: Hey, now you're all quiet? N: Hey!!

[neonstatic]

my given name and i have an interesting relationship. well, first off, i don't like. i dislike it, even. there's no doubt abt that. i've disliked it long before i understood i was nonbinary. it's just not a good name to me. i don't like the way it feels and tastes in my mouth. i don't like how it sounds out of people's mouths. no one has ever managed to say it in a way that makes it sound appealing. it's not a name you can sigh dreamily nor moan erotically. i mean, you can try, but however good you might sound, I'll be too distracted by the name itself. (i think i've learned to speak so delicately bc i've subconsciously wanted to sell my name as best as possible. yes, that is my name, it does kinda suck, but don't i say it so nicely?)

compare this to my sisters' names. they have sweet, feminine names that end in the letter a, and if you put all their names next to each other, you notice a certain motif. they just fit like a bouquet.

i feel like you can tell from my name alone that i'm the last child; they were running out of fkg ideas to follow the motif, so much so that they entirely dropped it! they couldn't even make my name end in an a!

i've never liked my name, always felt a little ashamed when meeting ppl bc i knew i'd have to introduce myself and see the split-second look in their eyes when they process and register (with difficulty) my painfully geriatric yet forgettable name. and it sounds so, so much worse in english.

egg or chicken? i think my name might've made me trans -- no, pls, let me elaborate: my name sounds like a typical old name, but spelled differently and thus pronounced differently, with none of the elegance and not even an a at the end. "oh, ray, why are you so obsessed w the a at the end?" bc i grew up surrounded by girls with pretty names that ends in a! and i was a little "girl" w an unpretty name that did not end in a! i legit had a complex abt that jabfjab everyone is aisha and christina and sarah and mona and then you got this mf whose name reminds you of a four-eyed mole in a tutu.

(in middle school, we had to write a story, and i named my protagonist, a 12yo girl, wayne. "that's not a girl's name," my teacher told me. "yes, it is." i said. and that was that.)

(i named that little girl after my favourite rapper at the time... y'all figure it out ✌🏾)

i've wanted to change my name long before i understood my gender. i had the spare thought that one day, maybe, i'd grow into it. i didn't like having and showing tits until literally two years ago. i think the chest tat helped. (frankly, most days i still don't. moving boobily is humiliating esp when you're a fast walker.) i've yet to grow into my given name. don't think i ever will. i rly dislike it. i'm no longer used to it either. i've changed my name at work and made so many new friends who know me as ray, and even my closest friends call me ray most of the time (or juno if they feel a lil frisky). and now i feel good introducing myself.

not only that, but i also experience ppl having fun w my name! nothing big, rly, but i do not have enough fingers to count the amount of ppl who make analogies abt the sun, the stars, or light in general. it's mostly silliness, i know, but i can't help feeling like others see that my name makes sense for me too. ray is a name that fits me. and i love it! yes, everyone does the "ray of sunshine" thing but it never gets old! never, do you hear me?! it's the best thing in the world to me!!!

(still, there are two things i like abt my given name... first, it's a callback to my parents' names. my dad also has a very interesting name but i'd rather have his than mine. another name better exprienced in french. second, my mom and i share a nickname. i found out when i was a teen and a relative called out my family nickname (or, well, one of two), only for my mom to respond. i love love love nicknames, bc that is what made me discover my chosen name. and i love that my mom and i share a nickname. it feels sentimental to me. idk how to explain it. i esp love when we use it for each other in casual. it's fun and lovely.)

[iambountyfan]

ionnalee took time to answer our questions via instagram stories tonight.

view the full Q&A in our photo album on Facebook or click ‘keep reading’ below for the transcript: facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.742996074497830&type=3

Q: overall thoughts/feelings from the US tour? A: so happy about it. each show was something special. it felt huge to get back up there after pandemic/pregnancy/giving birth and feel like myself again, but stronger.

Q: any song in your catalogue you have yet to play live that you would like to? A: there’s no song i don’t want to play actually. there are just a lot of songs in my body of work. one i am longing to take on with full band is MACHINEE. also craving to sing ‘n.’

Q: what drew you to the electronic soundscape of iamamiwhoami compared to previous folk-pop material? A: there was more to my musicality to explore.

Q: how is the weather in Sweden now? and what’s your favourite place there? A: it’s very hot for june here. 25*c and not a rainy day in weeks. very worrying for farmers and ground water.

Q: favourite synthesizer? A: Moog grandmother, minimoog and Roland JP08.

Q: when is the continuation of the tour planned? A: an exclusive set of shows in my hometown in august in sweden (first time ever to play there). more EU shows to come and then something in the winter too. keen to explore 2024.

Q: as i age, i feel like i lose touch with my imagination. how do you keep yours intact? A: i think the world around us as we grow up is built on seriousness and responsibilities and it’s important to never stop playing despite that. imagination is based on feeling things. experiencing new things. when you go numb you go dumb. i grew up being on my own a lot. the good thing about it was that i built a really vivid imagination.

Q: ; john is one of your songs that gets me the most, any meanings or stories behind it? A: it is about “selling out” adapting to the consumers will. giving others what they want. hence the title.

Q: no questions, but we love you, so glad we saw you live in Denver ❤️ A: thank you. i loved playing my first show in your city. hope to be back soon and to get to see the rockies too.

Q: Brazil: can we dream about a future gig here? A: yes.

Q: do you have any hobbies we don’t know about? A: a few probably… one is archeology. i am a nerd on plants and roses in particular. free diving.

Q: how do you mix your vocals to be so rich and energetic? they always have so much character. A: i try to do as much as possible with the vocal take itself. the mix is there to enhance it. i use very little effects now and instead play with the physical sound itself or dubs. i do like reverb and being dynamic with any effects. character is in the feeling.

Q: how was the experience of touring with baby bauer? lots of love to you and your family xx A: it was really amazing. tiring at times with little sleep, but overall amazing. he was a trouper and got so much love and support from my crew as well. he had a blast learning to walk in the US. 🤍

Q: sorry, i just want to take this opportunity to thank you for existing as an amazing artist 🖤 A: thank you 🤍

Q: would you consider a KRONOLOGI volume 2 with unheard tracks, demos and new versions? A: yes if that came as a next natural step i would.

Q: any tour/concert with TR/ST? A: that sounds like a fun ride 🤍

Q: what makes you lose your sleep? A: negative stress/lack of recovery time.

Q: why did you decide to go for an audiovisual format with your work? A: it’s a 360 representation of my artistic expression and it was a natural development to get here. often i've been asked how i can afford to make 'all these visuals' when in fact they are as much part of my work as the music if you will. often made with little to nothing but vision, desire and skill. it's just that visuals is seen as PR in music. to me it's a world of its own. they belong together.

Q: what inspires the darkness/haunting feelings in your music? it resonates with me. A: it’s in my DNA.

Q: how has the advance of tech affected the audiovisual process for you? A: i have many of the tools we need to make and release things by our own hand now. wasn’t possible 15 years ago. still we need creativity, ours and others time and lots of bravery not to mention connecting with people who like your work to make something lasting.

Q: any advice for after a breakup? really want to see your view about love and such 🤍 A: when you’re wounded you need to heal. be with people who love you and go outside. listen to music that makes you feel like you. it hurts but least we feel it right.

Q: was the burning of SUTS a metaphor for burning your industry careers to become independent? A: no he was a representative of the audience. it had to happen.

Q: when did you start making music? A: a long time ago.

Q: what do you have planned for the shows in Sweden? will there be a full band, etc? A: yes full band. three amazing nights on my home turf with special guests Zola Jesus and Jenny Wilson is what to expect.

🔗 ionnalee.com/events

Q: i 🤍 your pre-iamamiwhoami work. what song from then are you most proud of? would you ever perform it? A: proud of most of my songs. they’re a snapshot of me at the time. Lake Chermain and This War come to mind. it feels a bit too distant and disconnected to reconnect with however.

Q: will you paint more and sell them? i would love to buy one. A: thanks i will and hopefully i can soon when i have a proper home and work place again. chaotic rn leaving stockholm for vadstena.

Q: hardest part and best part of motherhood? i'm expecting in Dec 💗 A: congratulations 🤍 the hardest part is the physical and mental toll on you and how individual and to me intimately personal the experience is. the best is the biological connection to another being that’s part you like a branch from a tree that grows into its own being. so cool. so much love. thankful to get to experience it.

Q: is Stockholm a place firmly in the past now? A: no i spent 22 years there and have my closest friends and family there plus my studio still. will be there.

Q: my definitive fav body of work of yours is EABF, any fun memories or anecdotes? A: i struggled so much with my health making this album. had just toured for a long time with Röyksopp. felt really insecure about my currency as an artist. had been asked "why aren't you more famous?" so many times through the years cause my value is different in the commercial world of music. choosing to be independent is often seen as "you just didn't make it big enough". this album was a big fuck off to all that. the tour that followed really cemented my love for my audience who believe in me.

Q: is iamamiwhoami; flying or falling about overcoming a mental health challenge? A: it’s about fighting your own shadows. contradicting behaviours and self destruction.

Q: are there any songs that you had a hard time singing in the studio or live? which one and why? A: SAMARITAN is pretty full on. don’t think there’s a single breath pause in that chorus. plus dancing. hard work for live. also i take a lot of pride in my vocals and have a sensitive pitch ear so i tend to get extremely tired going nuts there. in the studio you can take breaks so no complaining.

Q: any words of encouragement for your queer fans this pride month? 😔🏳️‍🌈 x A: be brave and free ❤️

Q: what instrument would you like to learn that you haven’t yet? A: the harp.

Q: funny memory from the recent NA tour? A: me in Twin Peaks w/ giant b⚫️⚫️bs.

Q: around bounty and kin do you have some more BTS photos we haven’t seen before? A: there’s some but we decided within the group to keep that period to ourselves. it was such an overwhelming time you have no idea. this is why BLUE was a big splash of freedom that i needed to create after many years of being completely closed, isolated and silent.

Q: what helped you keep faith in your alchemizing power from the beginning till now? A: to be perfectly honest growing up i didn’t have anyone who understood my musical or otherwise talent so i went solely on the gut feel that i had something different that made me feel good inside in contrast to a pretty dark time.

Q: is capturing your emotions important to you while singing? how do you best execute it? A: it’s everything. make sure you’re in it and that you have the best possible foundation to be lost in the moment. play songs you enjoy, have good monitors and great production. a fantastic audience does the trick.

Q: what do you think about AI in music. like voice replacement, for example. A: it is what it is but it ain’t feeling things.

[applepi00]

Self Indulgent Explanations of Perfect Disaster’s Playlists

,,So I mentioned doing this list months ago but today I have enough nothing going on to actually do it! So, here’s the youtube version and here’s the spotify version, they’re mostly the same save for a few songs that are exclusive to the youtube version. I’ll do all the common songs in order as they are in the playlist and then do the odd ones out at the end!

1. Ever After by Marianas Trench, this song is the source for the title (I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after) but generally the whole pre-chorus through to the second verse were what put this on the list!

2.  The Bones of You by Elbow, this was poached from another playlist, but was included for the hook (and I’m five years ago and three thousand miles away) as well as the bit about “I love the bones of you that I will never escape” and the bridge!! “I can’t move my arm for fear that you will wake” just hit the vibe exactly!

3. Clair by Have Mercy, also poached from the same playlist Bones of You, but was included for the lines “You’ll always be someone if anyone says you’re not” and the entire repeated chorus of needing love, of still having that hole in your chest, it felt so right for the situation in the fic.

4. I Don’t Like Who I was Then by The Wonder Years, again poached, but this song just fit so well with the ideas when I was starting the fic, in fact a bunch of Dazai’s dialogue lines are actually almost exactly lines from the song! Such as the bit’s about trying put his past self in the ground, or when about being eighteen and afraid and how that wasn’t an excuse, just ugh the chorus and bridge espcially are so good for this fic.

5. I Just Want to Sell Out My Funeral by The Wonder Years, in the playlists for the lines: “I’m scared shitless of failure and I’m staring out at where I wanna be” and “I just wanna be enough for everyone” and “I used to have such steady hands but now I can’t keep them from shaking” and “I was kinda hoping you’d stay/I need you to stay” and “Cuz I’m sick of seeing ghosts and I know how it’s all gonna end”

6. Move Along by The All-American Rejects, mostly here for the chorus, that “keep trying” vibe felt integral considering this is the “fix yourselves” fic compared to the rest of the series.

7. Pressure by Paramore, here for “tell me where our time went and if it was time well spent, just don’t let me fall asleep feeling empty again” and “cuz I fear I might break and I fear I can’t take it”

8. Emergency by Paramore, here for the vibes mostly, not even specific lines really but the chorus fits and the instrumental and vocal style fit the tone I had in mind

9. Say Anything by Marianas Trench, god this song fit so well with some of the self-punishing behaviours that both Chuuya and Dazai indulge in, so: “I could take it if you need to take this out on someone” and the chorus and  “hurts the same when nobody knows guess that’s just how it goes and I won’t say anything at all” and just ugh that whole self-hating vibe ended up influencing how Chuuya’s spiralling out now that there are no immediate crises to jump to.

10. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner by Fall Out Boy, here for “and if you say this makes you happy then I’m not the only one lying” and “keep quiet nothing comes as easy as you, can I lay in your bed all day?” and “wear me like a locket around your throat, I’ll weigh you down I’ll watch you choke, you look so good in blue”

11. Easier by The Crane Wives, this was the vibe for Dazai through Masterpiece as well and it just kinda expanded to both of them, that whole “if I was someone else, if I weren’t myself would this be easier” thing digs so so well into the insecurities and neuroses in this fic

12. Masterpiece Theatre II by Marianas Trench, another carry over from this masterpiece will (tear you apart), here for “this broken beautiful mess that I've made” and “this is just a part I portray... can I hide in you and stay here?” and just that whole thing about finding comfort from your demons in another.

13. Apple Pie by Lizzy McAlpine, suggested to me by my good friend Bailey ages ago, the soft domestic feel fit right in particularly “I found you under an April sky, and you feel like city-life, apple pie baked just right, home is wherever you are tonight” and “I’ll be fine with that goodbye as long as I don’t have to say goodbye to you as well”

14. How Do I tell You? by Lizzy McAlpine, here for “I’m a little scared you’ll leave, even though you tell me you won’t” and “I’m a little scared to be someone you’re scared to love” and “I’m a little scared to speak, cuz I can’t find the words to say, I don’t want to make this about me I just can’t hold it in today” and “How do I tell you that I don’t know what it means to be happy with somebody, don’t know anything bout that” and “I  feel like I found my place”

15. Love Run (Intro) by The Amazing Devil, here for “run to show that love’s worth running to”

16. Little Miss Why So by The Amazing Devil, the vibe of trying to care for a depressed loved one that won’t take your help was heavily influential for the fic with Chuuya’s parts turning out the way they did, “it’s daylight again and you look like I’ve failed you” and “I don’t know how to reach you when you get like this, I’ve been waiting for you to come home” and “Stop making up death wishes and take my lifeline” and “If I’m good will you come back?” 

17. Wild Blue Yonder by The Amazing Devil, here for the chorus: “so hold me, lover, like you used to, so tight I’d bruise you” and “try please try for me”

18. Farewell Wanderlust by The Amazing Devil, the diaogue with the inner demons personified was interesting to me, but also: “I promise you I’ll be better, I promise you I’ll try, but like rubbing wine stains into rugs it’s my curse to try to make things right but by trying make them worse”

19. That Unwanted Animal by The Amazing Devil, here for “You try so loud to love me, I cannot seem to hear” and just generally most of Madeleine’s sharp passionate lines through the last few verses are just so good, so fitting vibe wise.

20. Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy, here for “this conversations been dead on arrival” and “a rivalry goes so deep between me and this loss of sleep over you.” Literally neither of these boys actually fucking sleep even half decently through this fucking fic, why did I do this to them?

21. The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy, here for “when it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me ‘sorry’ with a straight face?”

22. Our Lady of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance, holy fuck this song gave me so many little lines I bit into in my head, like “we could be perfect one last night and die like star-crossed lovers when we fight” and  “shed your yellow take my hand” and “stand up fucking tall don’t let them see your back and take my fucking hand and never be afraid again” and “I’ll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition” and “just because my hand’s around your throat (doesn’t mean I don’t love you)”

23. Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance, god this song is the vibe for most of my iterations of SKK, just generally speaking, but it’s here for: “I’m trying, I’m trying to let you know how much you mean to me, and after all the things we put each other through” and “I feel like there’s nothing left to do but prove myself to you”

24. To The End by My Chemical Romance, here for “If you marry me, would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?”

25. It’s Not a Fashion Statement It’s a Deathwish by My Chemical Romance, here for “the damage you’ve inflicted temporary wounds I’m coming back from the dead, I’ll take you home with me, I’m taking back the life you stole” and “just you and I, your starless eyes remain” and “I lost my fear of falling, I will be with you”

26. House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance, here for “well I know a thing about contrition, cuz I got enough to spare” and “tell  me I’m an agenl, take this to my grave, tell me I’m a bad man, kick me like a stray”

27. Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance, absolutely one of my top picks for SKK songs, but it hits right from the first line: “gravity don’t mean too much to me, I’m who I’ve got to be” and “I got a bulletproof heart, you’ve got a hollow-point smile” (tell me that isn’t soukoku, it fits them so well!!) and “so get me out of my head, cuz it’s getting kinda cramped you know” just, the vibes in this song are perfect

28. The Only Hope For Me Is You by My Chemical Romance, again mostly the chorus: “can I be the only hope for you? Cuz you’re the only hope for me”

29. Summertime by My Chemical Romance, here for “when the lights go down will you take me with you?” and “if you stay, I could even wait all night, or until my heart explodes, how long until we find our way in the dark and out of harm? You can run away with me anytime you want” and “turn my headphones up real loud, don’t thinkI need them now, cuz you stop the noise”

30. All I Wanted by Paramore, here for “think of me when you’re out there,I’ll beg you nice from my knees” and “all I wanted was you” and “I could follow you to the beginning just to relive the start, maybe then we’d remember to slow down at all of our favourite parts”

31. Of All the Gin Joints in the World by Fall Out Boy, here for “sometimes I just want to know what it’s like to be you” and “I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now I waste it dreaming of you)” and “I’ve got headaches and bad luck but they couldn’t touch you”

32. 7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) by Fall Out Boy, here for “I’ll be stuck fixated on one star when the world is crashing down” and “I’m not going home along, cuz I don’t do too well on my own” and “I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose”

33. I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me by Fall Out Boy, here for “I found the cure to getting older, and you’re the only place that feels like home” and “some secrets weren’t meant to be told” and “douse yourself in cheap perfume it’s so fitting of the way you are, you can’t cover it up” and “find a safe place, brace yourself, bite your lip” and “brace yourself, they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone, but for what we’ve become, we just feel more alone” and “Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left, so progress report: I am missing you to death”

34. My Heart by Paramore, here for “I’m finding out that maybe I was wrong, that I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone" and “stay with me, this is what I need please” and “I am nothing now and it’s been so long since I’ve heard a sound, the sound of my only hope” and “my heart it beats for only you/my heart is yours”

35. Early Sunsets over Monroeville by My Chemical Romance, another song I keep drawing from, in particular it a good chunk of the inspo for my skk week fic and for the vampire fic I’m muddling on! But it’s here for “running away and hiding with you, I never thought they’d get me here... I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight” and “and in saying you loved me, made things harder at best” but just the whole soft melancholic feel, and the refrain of ending things if necessary, it fits the fic well

36. Old Friends Like Lost Teeth by The Wonder Years, here for “we lost you last week but you walked into the room again” and “I know it’s a bad dream” and that whole chorus, and “a song about death in my head, and I can’t help but hum along”

37. Local Man Ruins Everything by The Wonder Years, here for “I’m trying to hold it together but irony’s found cracks in the foundation” and “I’m not a self-help book I’m just a fucked up kid” and “it’s not about forcing happiness, it’s about not letting sadness win”

38. There,There by The Wonder Years, here for “you’re just trying to read but I’m always standing in your light, you’re just trying to sleep but I’m always waking you up just to apologize” and “I’m lost in my head again”

39. Porcelain by Marianas Trench, here for “it’s alright if you don’t know what you need” and “I’m right here if you need someone to see, it’s speak or forever hold your peace, it’s alright to take time and find where you’ve been”

40. Careful by Paramore, here for “I settled down a twisted up frown disguised as a smile” and “hope for me was a place uncharted” and “the truth never set me free so I did it myself” and “open your eyes like I opened mine, it’s only the real world” and “shifting your weight to throw off the pain, you can ignore it but only for so long” and “it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down”

41. Cosmos (Outer Space) by t.A.T.U., here for “feel no more feel no less” and “stars we don’t wanna reach, scars we don’t wanna stitch” and just, home as space (zero gravity) is a consistent theme in my head for these two

42. Jackie and Wilson by Hozier, here for the fun vibes and “we’ll steal a Lexus be detectives driving ‘round picking up clues” and “no better version of me I could pretend to be tonight” and “with my mid-youth crisis all said and done, I need to be youthfully felt cuz god I’ve never felt young” and just the chorus guys, it tickles at me for this fic

43. Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance, another song I keep going back to! It was actually the principle song that inspired When the Sun Goes Black! It’s in this list for “but where’s you heart? And I know there’s nothing I can say to change this part” and “a love that’s so demanding I can’t speak” and “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this  world alone, honey if you stay you’ll be forgiven, nothing you can say can stop me going home” and “these bright lights have always blinded me” and god the whole bridge has inspired so many fics and chapters for me, it’s so good

44. Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes, a song I wasn’t expecting but it came on the radio and hit me like a sack of bricks. “Or clocks tick ‘till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again” and “you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need” and “if our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity” and “refuse to make amends, it cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense

BONUS Youtube Only: 1/6 -out of gravity- by Vocaliod-P (translation by SirHamnet/Lily Chen), here for “someday I promise I’ll surely take you with me high up above the satellites and out of this gravity” and “when I finally found you I saw that your eyes were heavy, I asked you what was wrong but ‘I’m okay’ is what you told me” and ahhh most of this song really since it’s all about reducing gravity to make a loved one’s troubles feel lighter and that hits exactly right for this fic and this series and this iteration of my boys, please listen to it

[thisaintascenereviews]

Vinyl Obscura, Ep. I: Lone Justice - S/T

Do you remember the first album that you ever bought, whether it was on CD or vinyl? My first album was The All-American Rejects’ sophomore album, 2005’s Move Along, at least a year or so after it came out. I saw ads for the album on TV, and I really liked what I heard, especially for a 12-year-old kid. That began my love for music, as well as my love for physical media. I began to head over to my local Target, Best Buy, Walmart, and eventually Half Price Books, FYE, Borders, and Books A Million, where I’d find anything I could sink my teeth into.

I grew a fond attachment to physical media as a kid, and I still have that attachment today; there’s something wonderful about physically holding one of your favorite albums, whether it’s on CD or vinyl. One of my favorite parts of collecting is finding very obscure and niche bands / artists that never got the success they should have. That can be due to a lot of things, but there are loads of unknown and obscure bands out there. I’ve been starting to rebuild my CD and vinyl collections after selling off almost everything I had a few years ago, but something I’ve found myself doing recently is purposely looking for (usually used and vintage) CDs and vinyl records from obscure bands that were lost to time.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve picked up a handful of cheap CDs and vinyl records of bands that I’ve never heard of. I don’t review older albums anymore, unless it’s for an anniversary, but I wanted to start a series where I talk about obscure, unknown, and niche bands that I find, ultimately seeing if these bands and artists are unfairly forgotten about. I love making random discoveries, especially when I can find albums for a couple of dollars each that are what I’d call hidden gems.

Welcome to Vinyl Obscura, where I talk about bands and artists that may not have gotten the success they deserved. These albums can be from any band, decade, or genre, but we’ll examine these records to see why they did or didn’t deserve better than they ultimately were treated, and if they’re worth hearing all of these years later.

For the pilot episode in this series, I wanted to start off with the album that gave me the idea, at least a couple of weeks later — Lone Justice’s 1985 self-titled debut album. I found this album, along with pretty much everything else in the first handful of episodes from this series, at Half Price Books, where I found a bunch of cheap vinyl albums and some CDs. The album cover got me curious, as well as seeing the album came out in the mid-1980a, but who is Lone Justice?

Lone Justice is an alt-country and country-rock band formed in Los Angeles in 1982, and from everything I read about this band, they were slated to be the next big thing. Both Dolly Parton and Linda Ronstadt co-signed this band, and that seems to be part of their downfall, as this band was very hyped up to be huge. Hell, vocalist Maria McKee was compared to Parton at the time their debut album came out, so what happened? It seems as though the hype for this band was way too big not to implode; they had to put out the most mindblowing album in the entire world, otherwise they would crash and burn, which is sort of what happened. The general consensus was that their debut was pretty good, but nothing worthy of the kind of hype they got.

They broke up after making one more album in the late 80s, and it’s a shame, because Lone Justice’s self-titled album is actually quite good, if not great. It’s one of those albums that really should have been huge but never caught on. I don’t quite understand why, either, especially after listening through this album quite a lot. Aside from McKee’s fantastic vocals that really do bring to mind Dolly Parton in spots, the band’s sound is tight, catchy, and a lot of fun. Hell, there’s a song written by Tom Petty on here, called “Ways To Be Wicked,” and it’s my favorite track here, so why wasn’t it huge?

I’ve been trying to answer that question, but I can’t seem to find the answer. This album is a great mix between country, rock, and a dash of punk. It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, but it’s still executed really well. This is a short and sweet album that will find you going back to it over and over again. I don’t know why this band never blew up, but they really should have. Lone Justice deserved better, but maybe they can finally get their due, because they’re apparently back together. They just dropped two new songs and have a new album on the way, so that’s exciting, especially almost 40 years later after this album came out. I’d gladly recommend this if you want to hear an obscure 80s country-rock band that should have been way bigger than they were. I scored this album for $2.99, and if that’s not a good deal, I don’t know what is.

[androgynousblackbox]

Dude, I keep seeing The Succession, but it's like, do people binge watch this thing?? Because I just have to take it in little by little because it's just so fucking good, my brain feels so fucking full and satisfied that I HAVE to masticate on the debauchery I just saw for a while before I can submit myself for more. Like, Roman is my favorite fucked up little guy. The way that he is literally the scapegoat of the family and the ONLY ONE who anyone ever speaks about receiving the worst punishments, but they were brainwashed by their father to believe that he liked it as a child despite he insisting otherwise? The way that he is the ONLY ONE that Roy ever puts his hands on and that makes Kendall to immediately jump on his defense, yelling at his father despite the whole entire season being literally a puppet at his hands? Masterful, beautiful. This is the good drama that I wish I could ever write. Ah, man, I could literally write an entire essay on how the writing on Kendall is. As a character I don't care too much for him, he is not fun for me, but it's so well constructed and so fundamentally pathetic that I have to admire that. The whole submitting to Roy feeling so much like selling your soul to the devil and then, immediately after that, his sibling all talk about how fucking dead he looks. Like a fucking corpse that is just moving around. The way that the house they go to have a meeting for I don't care what is literally reeking of dead because a fucking animal was stuck on the chimney and meanwhile Kendall tries to pretend nothing happens. How he keeps repeating "dad's plan was better" and fucking no one believes him. The petty ass thieving that is his literal only way to rebel because it's the only thing he can control, the only thing that Roy can't touch. I am still on the fence about Shev. On one hand, I understand that she wants to believe that she has principles and she probably thinks that she is in fact a good person, but still falls into childish fighting with Roman, still disrespect the shit out of Tom because she believe herself with the right to do anything she wants and literally all it took for her to abandon a perfectly good political career was the promise of more power that she actually has no fucking clue what to do with. Like I get that she is a pampered queen, but like, compared with her two brothers, she is really getting the short end of the stick in terms of character depht.

MAN! But the way that the wife of Roy just reads her for filth and feels weirdly misogynistic because she literally never says anything like that about ANYONE ELSE? Like, what the actual fuck is up with that? Cool moment though. Anyway, I am just now around season 2 and I will be definitely reading the scripts the first chance I have, but I love this shit so much. Even the fact that sometimes the camera is handheld feels intentional in some way? I don't know if it actually is, but to me it always feels like we are merely guests on something that has clearly nothing to do with us. Not just like a play, but also a intruder that neither of these people want, a third person they can't escape from no matter how much they would like to. It's maybe a testament to how realistic all these characters feel, but every time the camera moves slightly while persueing a character I remember that someone was there, someone else was watching this happen. I don't know how to explain it, but something about it just feels cool to me. I like that aesthetic because it immediately remind me to The Office, but while the Office was intentionally set up like a documentary thing where people sometimes interacted with the camera man, this crew goes completely unrecognizable for these characters. Like we, the audience, was really never supposed to be there or we were so far removed from the status of these people that they couldn't give less of a crap about us. Like they were the gods of this world as they thought themselves to be and we mere mortals.

I love this show so much. I can't believe that it took me this long to discover it.

[broodyjoey]

Why are we alive? What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of my life?

I'm not sure anymore, I do not know if I want to know the purpose. I am only surviving I cannot hope more, it hurts me. It hurts and it will not set me free, I will be entrapped in a prison of pain and rumination. It is better that my brain is simple, that way only simple solutions are presented. That way I will find a simple way to get out of here. No more complicated plans, convoluted thoughts, extravagant dreams that feel near impossible. I just want to get out, I don't want to think of the consequences or the ripples of actions in the chain reaction after moving out. I don't want to think anymore I just want out. I don't want to feel this despair in my chest for the next 10 years of my life, I cannot go on living like this. I've been saying this, that I cannot live like this, for the past 10 years and more. Every year I feel that I'm walking nearer to a cliff that will be the end of my life.

Could you call this a life? If it wasn't well lived, if I didn't used the most of it? Could you call this a life, if I was not living but just surviving this entire time? What would be the noun for this, perhaps based off the root word "survive"? What do I call this few decades of non-stop chaos that has led me to an existence filled with fear and distrust?

Surely you do not call it a life. Because I certainly don't. And if I die now, scientifically there is no such thing as a heaven or hell. I would have been a sad existence in the blink of time. A speck of dust like me, deserves a little more love don't you think? I see other specks of dust go on to have happy lives, so if we are made of the same material, don't I deserve something of a safe space that I could call home? I'm not going to ask for the gamble which is called love, I just want a stable and safe place called home. But even though I do say I do not ask of it, I do yearn for it.

Greediness, yet another human flaw. I want more than just to survive, I want to thrive. And yet again I dream. And now I am sour with sadness and envy. Why can't I have what others have? Why can't I have a stable and loving home to go back to?

I don't need interpersonal love, I can have the love in my hobbies and dating sims. I don't want to plunge myself into another abusive relationship ever again. 2 was enough, living daily in this house is enough. Dating sims cannot abuse me, hobbies cannot abuse me. They have my trust and they will not hurt me.

My friends often chastise me for closing up from the outside world, but I think it isn't wrong. There is nothing I miss from the world. I don't miss the people who are judgemental, I don't miss the snideful remarks. I don't miss the "love" that was bitter and abusive, I don't miss the comparing and imprisonment in the name of "love". I don't miss being anxious, I don't miss being hurt. I like being closed off from the world.

They cannot reach or hurt me if I limit my circle to a small hoop. They cannot sell me their charlatan acts if I do not even entertain them. I do not welcome such liars. I do not need these snake oil merchants, talking about love and friendships. I have my friends that were with me at most open and trusting years and they did not judge my love for dark makeup and heavier music.

They didn't judge me and that's all I need to know. They're my friends to the end of time, no need for new ones who smile at the front and stab you when you're not looking. These charlatans, corrupted beasts are not welcome in my delightful and sacred friendships.

No friend of mine betrays me like that. They are no friend of mine to hurt me when I trusted them. They are not what I am looking for in a friend. As much as the friends I have now are not nice at times, I do not trust the outside world to have people who can understand and accept my inner workings like they do. They grew up with me, they saw my worst sides. They understand.

Not the outside people who are like my ex. They call me names even when I am just expressing happiness. I don't wish to stay in a world so sad and corrupt, that even when I left, I was corrupted by their darkness.

The way they act like taking all sorts of drugs is the only way to feel happy and that if I show happiness outside on a normal day, I am weird. If I am not familiar with something, I am a country bumpkin. And everyone is a slut/bitch/whore. Except for themselves, who somehow is better than even professionals...🙄🤡

Good god, how does one live in such a state utter denial? They run around saying they do the best, when even the crowd or customers do not wish to hear another minute of it.

And they lament why someone else got the opportunity instead.

They call someone crazy for wanting a show of commitment, yet constantly bombard me with texts wanting to know exactly what I was doing and where I was.

I am an introvert who loves lounging at home, reading books and fanfics, with a tendency to zone out at times. They do not understand so they refuse to believe it, even with photos as evidence.

That is why outside people will not do. They do not understand and/or accept anything else, it's their way or the highway.

My friends think more than black and white, more than 2d perspectives and I still have a lot to learn from them. I only see a little bit of gray but I do know there's more shades here and there.

They're all I need. I do not need backstabbing, name-calling vile people to be friends with. That's just asking to be hurt again.

[devil666132020]

You keep telling me to give you proof that Daniels hated Jason, I told you to google the interview, you even found it! Now, do you not see how pushing Jason to the "dark side " Like he said, did nothing good for Jason and only got him hated by the fans???? For years after that???

And now I ask you, where is it shown that Jason knew Damian. Like where tf is it shown?

Not in Robin 1993

Not in Arzreal #3

No. They don't meet until Battle For The Cowl. Jason didn't know Damian existed. That's what made him look ✨bad✨

Mia, Tim? They were well known sidekicks, Onyx was an assassin formerly a part of the league. Jason knew exactly who they were 💀

Why you think he read Mia's mind when he brought up her past and compared it with his?

"He even gave him the Lazarus pit excuse"

How the hell is that a good thing, that's a horrible thing.

Also, does Jason murdering a kidnapper in front of the kidnapped child not ring a bell in your head that maybe, just maybe, this guy doesn't like when innocent kids are harmed. That falling in line with him forbidding dealers from selling drugs is a good reason to believe he cares for children.

Him firing in the middle of the STREET where people are WALKING in DAYLIGHT just so TIM can look good and badass while Jason looks like a dumbass isnt ooc? Really? The guy who took over the drug trade in 5 weeks is now saying kids should be used as cannon fodder and shooting people he has no business with. Because they are civillains. Are we going to ignore that Jason did save a civillain in countdown, and even tried saving Duela????

And are drug dealers petty criminals lmao. And what did Jason say?

"No selling to children"

Oh my I wonder why Jason capped those dealers, mhm, truly a mystery.

And you'll also know that The New 52's retcons have been handled since then, even in the New 52 BFTC was canon. And it still is, and Jason has said numerous times he regrets his time as a villain. That, and I quote from #50 of Rhato (2016)

"I was a craptastic Supervillain"

And most recently in Task Force Z & Beast World he also regrets his extreme past.

Mia just got back into a canon, wouldn't be surprising if Jason's apologetic to what he did like he was with Tim as well. Morrison's Red Hood is also canon, they always show that damn suit whenever Jason's facing his past 💀, like most character's post crisis stories.

And tell me, did Red Hood's closing issues portray Batman and Robin as idiots, who couldn't handle shit for themselves and were incompetent, like... Let's say.. Jason was portrayed as in Robin and Batman and Robin?

No. Winnick only gave Jason a nice send off before the reboot. Yes he kept Sasha around, probably because it was editorial mandate!

I myself don't mind most of Battle For The Cowl, I'll buy that Jason's more unhinged than he ever was, I'll take the excuse of grief, but shooting Damian doesn't sit right with me. And it didn't sit right with a lot of fans! Daniels knew what he was doing.

As I said in my original post:

Jason was a villain, but he had standards. An anti villain if you will. Villain with a noble cause but used villainous methods to accomplish said goals.

It's literally impossible to read bat fanfiction because it's all based off those ridiculous fanon tropes that spread like crazy and people take as fucking biblical!!!!! Dick was never a jerk to Jason when he was Robin- they got along because Dick is mature as hell and in one retelling- Jason was a jerk to him!! And when he came back as Red Hood he had literally not a single damn reason to treat Dick like shit! Not a damn one! But he did, didn't he? Cause he's the fucking asshole! How dare you make Dick grovel towards that bastard! Dick has only ever tried to help him! Reached out during his Batman run, over and over! Also- Dick never put Jason in Arkham with Joker just a few cells down???? What the fuck! The Joker and all those other fuckers had been broken out of Arkham by Black Mask already for like the whole run??? Jason went to Arkham after losing to Dick, and Gordon put him in there because One he fucking deserved it, Two the literal circumstances?? And at that point!! Arkham was fucking rehabilitated itself!! By Dick!!! Because Bruce had him go undercover there for real, and Dick was actually tortured there before he got out!! So Dick put in the work to get that shit in order to actually help people!!

Dick never chose Damian over Tim- Tim refused to engage with him over his grief, shut him out, and left of his own devices! He never told Dick his suspicions on why Bruce was alive, never! And Tim is not the one to bring Bruce back either, there's a whole team at that point! Dick learns Bruce is alive through tossing his 'dead' body into a pit and the body comes to life as a zombie. Tim didn't tell him shit! Tim is also not a little crybaby- Damian cutting his line was a fucking blip on the page, he was momentarily shocked, that was it! He put Damian on his Hit List, which is why Damian cut his line. And his first attempt at "murder" is just pushing Tim off the dinosaur statue in the cave, he didn't go all assassin on him! Also Dick wasn't even there the first incident and wasn't told about the second incident. Alfred is the one who gave Damian Robin and Dick accepted him because he saw that Damian needed help! He needed guidance! He didn't fucking fire Tim the way Bruce fired him, and fuck all of you for thinking that Tim or Jason or fucking anyone has more right over Robin than Dick Fucking Grayson! He tried to promote Tim and Tim walked off. How dare yall make Dick fucking grovel towards that bastard!!!

Jason did try to kill all three of them!! Why does everyone just gloss over that like what the fuck??? Why does he get a pass for every shitty thing he's done??? "Bad writing" stfu this is the same dude that without hesitation kills random criminals, people who deal drugs, do you know how many random ass people deal drugs??? Jason doesn't give a single shit about being his own type of hero or saving Gotham his own way, nor do the people think of him as their savior!! Are you people fucking delusional?? I saw a post that said citizens would trust Jason over CASS and I cannot Believe the hallucinations yall are seeing???

It is literally downright impossible to find fics about Dick or Damian or Cass or fucking any of them that doesn't include these literal bullshit fanon takes!!! It's impossible!!! This fandom sucks!!!! You don't even need to go buy the comics, all these popular takes have been debunked right here on tumblr!!!! Also Dick can do literally everything!! He's hypercompetent as hell, die mad about it!! Jason doesn't like Wonder Woman???? Where the fuck did that come from??? Wayne Family Adventures is not real!!! Those people could not BE more out of character!!! Look at Bruce for crying out loud!!! Yall know that man ain't act like that!

Edit: leaving this here in case anyone wonders what my hot take is towards this question I was asked: "have you considered tho, that fanon is more fun..."

Well of course fanon is more fun if you're a fan of Jason or Tim. Fanon actively caters towards those two pasty white boys. Fanon actively shits on Dick and Damian though. And for Dick? He literally never did that shit! It is all made up! It's literal character assassination?? But by the fans?? And for Damian? He was 10!!! He grew up as an assassin! He was actively trying to grow with Dick's help! How can yall see him as the bad guy?? And not the literal bad guy, (Jason), and the 17 teen year old who literally fought him back btw, (Tim), like old boy did not act victimized the way you people portray. And Jesus for Cass? Cass is just a prop in fanon. So what exactly about this should be fun to me? Like seriously.

[prettytoxix]

Part Three: Book store 📚

Steve Harrington x Reader

Part one Part Two

A/n: this is part of a series but you don’t necessarily have to have read the parts prior to understand what’s going on. It’s more helpful to just understand the dynamic between these two characters because they’re just kinda awkward around each other.

Summary: Steve remembers you work at a book store so he comes to visit you and asks for your favorite book.

Word count: 1355

I’m working my usual shift at the bookstore. An am to pm shift, 7-3. It’s always been so nice because the bookshop is so slow. This town is filled with people who have nothing better to do than watch movies all day or listen to music.

Don’t get me wrong. I love movies and I love music but you can’t always rely on those two things to entertain yourself. I love reading and drawing, things that require time and effort. I’m the type of person that would spend all of my time studying and working after school. Not playing or watching TV.

Maybe it’s because I have a different mindset for myself. I have to prove myself strong, capable, and independent. But when all is said and all is done, is that really what I want?

We got a new shipment of books so I get started placing them on their correct shelves. I get halfway through the first box before the bells chime on the door indicating someone entered the shop. I put the book I have in my hand in its place before I walk out into the open. There he is standing in my bookstore. Steve Harrington.

“Hey! What are you doing here?” A giant smile plagues my face and I can’t help but blush.

“I remembered you said you worked at a bookstore and I figured ‘I should get a book recommendation.’”

“well, you’re just in luck because selling books is my passion.” I joke. “what kind of book are you looking for?”

“I actually wanted to know what your favorite book was…I want to read it, get inside your head, and try to see it from your perspective.” This was really sweet coming from Steve. I know he isn’t the type to sit around reading a book. He’d always been the type of guy to go to parties and hang out with friends. Not that I’m complaining. I think it’s just really cute and thoughtful of him.

“Hmm, well if you really want to get inside of my head I have my annotated copy of my favorite book. It’s actually at the counter, let me grab it for you.”

“Are you sure? I would absolutely love to take you up on that offer but I would hate to deprive you of your prized possession.”

“How about this. How about you get your own copy and you annotate it your own way and then when you’re done we can compare annotations?”

“Let’s get me a copy then! Show me the way!”

I lead Steve to the section of the store where my favorite book is held. It’s not exactly out in the open, it’s like a book that you would have to be looking for, not one you would stumble upon. I grab the book and hand it to Steve.

“The Catcher in the Rye..?” reading the cover.

“Yes! best book I have ever read! I know, it’s cheesy and you’ve probably already had to read it before for an English class or something. But I promise you this book has so much depth… and so many symbols and metaphors, and now I’m just rambling.” I laugh to diffuse the awkward silence.

“No, it’s cute. It’s really cute to see you get passionate about something.”

The bells on the front door chime again. I peer out of the shelves to see just another resident looking for a book. It was someone I recognized and never really got to know. I wouldn’t be able to name them but I know they were friends with that Will Byers kid who went missing several years ago.

Steve peers out just after me to see who it is. He quickly takes note of who entered my store.

“Henderson?”

“Harrington, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you could read!” A light bulb clicks in his brain before he makes his next statement. “Oh wait…is this the girl?” he redirects his attention towards me. “Are you the girl?”

I look back at Steve as if to confirm if I am indeed the girl or not.

“I hope I’m the girl.” I chuckle.

“Tell me, in this bookstore do you have any books regarding science fiction?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course we have science fiction, it’ll be located to your right and the very back wall of that aisle.”

Henderson leaves to go search the isle for whatever book it is he’s looking for. I turn towards Steve and retreat back into the aisle where Catcher in the Rye was.

“Was that Dustin?” I whispered, intrigued by what was going on.

“That was him alright.” He replies laughing quietly. He changes the subject, “so what’s this book about anyways?”

“It’s basically about this kid who gets kicked out of his prep school and he’s going back home to New York early for Christmas.” I tell him. “It spans over two days as he meets new people and things like that.”

“Sounds…interesting.”

And just like that, the customer service bell is ringing over and over and over again. “I’m ready to pay! Or are you too busy making ou back there?” I look back at Steve with a fake annoyed expression before returning to the cash register at the front.

“Did you find everything you were looking for?” I take the book and input the price from the front cover into the register.

“Yeah, I found everything alright, thank you.” Dustin leans in and urges me to do the same. When I lean in, Dustin begins to whisper low. “Don’t. Hurt. Steve. Please.” He pulls away and I can tell that he genuinely cares about Steve. That he wants the best for him.

Dustin leaves, but not before completing his handshake with Harrington. Once Dustin leaves, Steve takes his place at the counter.

“I love that kid but sometimes he’s a little much.” He admits.

His sight catches my sketchbook that I like up draw in when it gets slow.

“Do you draw?” He says, pointing out this mysterious object behind me.

“Yeah, I’ve been known to do the occasional drawing.” I start to ring up his book and remind him that he’ll need a couple of things to annotate his copy.

“what am I going to need exactly?”

“Just some sticky notes and a pen. There are some sticky notes behind you if you want to grab some now and you can just have one of my pens.” I grab one of my pens and hand it to him when he returns with a pack of sticky notes. I continue to ringing up the items placed in front of me.

“Can I look through it?” He asks dazed.

“what?”

“your sketchbook? Can I look through your sketchbook?”

“oh yeah, knock yourself out.” I hand him my sketchbook and finish checking him out. “your total is $8.75”

He hands me $10 with his attention still set on my drawings. It’s like he’s analyzing it for any part of me but can’t seem to look beyond the graphite.

“y/n, these are really good! you’re really talented!” He’s shocked by this discovery.

“Oh, thank you. It’s just a way to pass the time.” I hand his change back to him as he holds his hand out.

“Do you think I could pay you to draw something for me?”

“pay me? No. I’ll do it for a date though.” I say slyly.

“How does tomorrow work for you?”

“I’m free all day practically.” I beam at his request.

“Let’s switch it up, how about we go out to breakfast? I can pick you up at 7:30?”

“Breakfast sounds good, but let's make it 8.”

“Deal.”

I hand him his new book and sticky pads and he’s out the door, I have another date with Steve Harrington.

[arknights-imagines]

Hello! May I request Silverash for the Valentine's day event?? Thank you ❤❤

From, SilverAsh

Valentine's Day Letter and Date event

You can’t resist it - as you’re approaching the Kjeragian inn you’re to stay at, you stop before the door and allow your attention to be taken by the happenings of the surrounding street. Considering it’s Valentine’s, couples hooked by the arms stroll past and merchants are selling Valentine’s Day themed handmade gifts. A soft grin on your face, your thoughts briefly drift to a certain Feline; however they do not linger there for long, as you’re in Kjerag for professional business regarding Rhodes Island and not for holiday.

And so, you enter the inn - taking a moment to rid yourself of the snow on your clothes and the top of your head - then speak with one of the innkeepers who escorts you to your room right away. Once they shut the door behind you, you set your luggage case on the bed and begin unpacking.

However, you’re still a little distracted; your eyes refuse to quit drifting towards the nearby window where you can see the street with couples and merchants still occupying it. You attempt as best you can, though your Feline lover doesn't leave your thoughts at all while you watch the street.

Absent-minded, you pull one of your spare shirts from your briefcase - and something falls out as you do and flutters to the ground. A small frisson of shock jolts your body, eyebrows raising in alarm. After blinking at the item for a few moments, you snap out of whatever you were teetering on and bend down to pick it up.

Your eyes soften once it’s in your hand - a silver envelope tied up with thin red ribbon. It’s cold against your fingers, the ribbon is done up in a tidy manner, and your name in familiar penmanship is written on the envelope’s flap in red ink. You tilt your head to the side a little as you undo the ribbon, and from inside the envelope you take a piece of white paper. As soon as your eyes are met with rows of the same elegant hand-printing on the envelope’s flap, you know where the letter came from; warmth fills your chest and a slow smile falls to your face.

--------------------

My [name],

I regret that I cannot share all of this to you in person, but I must wait until the time comes. I believe if you’re reading these words, you have arrived safely in Kjerag. How do I know this, you say? I have my ways. But won’t you smile, my dear? This means we’ll soon be together…it’s been only a short while since Christmas, and yet, how I long to see you.

That special occasion nearing…Valentine’s Day, was it? My apologies, Kjerag celebrates countless jubilations and I haven't the time to study all of them, much less participate. As for Valentine’s Day, it’s not an important event for me, no; it’s a day like any other. Though, I am aware it’s famous as ‘the day of love’, and such happens to spark intrigue in me. I must say, my dear, the I of yesteryears would certainly be dismayed at how I’ve now come to warm at the word ‘love’.

Seldom do affection and love offer anything, not in war or any of Terra; it’s unlikely I will ever even need to think of such things. Or so I had thought of myself, my dear. With you standing at my side, I find myself abandoning those old beliefs of mine. Why, you say? [Name], don’t jest me so. Surely you know that.

You caused this within me, my dear. If you must know the truth, I don’t care much for religion; however if I am ever reborn into this world at all, I am certain of one thing. I would find myself in love with you each time. You are perfect beyond belief and everything to me. Nothing could ever hope to compare. Since the start of this all, you’ve clouded my judgment, eased my mind, and softened my heart without fail. I must say; my dear [name], it is in these ways you make a fool of me.

Love is a beast, I've learned. One no man can hope to win against, an undefeatable opponent. To love another is to create your own greatest weakness. And yet, though I understand this so, I cannot restrain myself from loving you so deeply, my dear. My heart lives with you. I seem happy about such, you say? Yes…that much would be true.

Perhaps I am taking a daring choice in saying what I will in a moment, but it matters not. This world of death and war needs you; but I know I need you far more than it does, my dear. Far more than anything does, in fact. Perhaps that is selfish of me?

I am well aware all of this is in your favour, [name]. Nevertheless, as I have told you in the past, I am in your palm. I can only ask that you’ll have mercy on me. I love you earnestly, my dear.

My apologies, this letter has indeed taken a turn. Or perhaps not, as it is Valentine’s Day after all? Of course, speaking of such… I’ve arranged plans for today, solely for you and I. I am well aware you are in Kjerag for your duties under Rhodes Island, but there are far better ways to kill time and there is no better person than I for you to spend it with, isn't that right my dear?

No doubt I am at the SilverAsh estate by the time you’ve received this letter. Come find me, but I insist you don't keep me waiting. Why the urgency? [Name], my dear; all I want is to hold you in my arms again, is that too much to ask?

Yours and yours alone,

Enciodas

--------------------

You can't hope to suppress the tenderly affectionate grin SilverAsh’s letter causes on your face; your eyes linger on the last words of the letter for a few seconds more. And then - not even thinking twice - you leave your inn room in a flash of movement. You silently pray no one from Rhodes Island spots you exiting from the inn in a sudden haste.

As you travel to the Feline’s estate, your heart is warm in your chest and in stark contrast to the bitter cold of Kjerag’s climate. You’re standing before the door of the SilverAsh estate in no time.

You lift your hand to knock however you pause when you notice a black-clad figure in one of the estate’s courtyards, ‘Enciodas.’ You approach him, and you’re surprised to see he’s gliding back and forth across where a pool of water has long frozen over - ice skating, you realize. Once you come into his view, the Feline stops so abruptly that you hear the blades of his ice skates scrape roughly against the ice. That amuses you, though even so you smile ever-so warmly at him. He can't help but do the same; his fluffy ears perk upwards briefly as he speaks, “at last, you’re here, my dear.”

You stop at the edge of the makeshift ice rink, chiming with a small laugh when SilverAsh comes to take your hands in his own with eagerness, “I’m right here, Enciodas. You don’t need to be so urgent.” As he pulls you closer until you’re pressed up against his heartbeat, he huffs a little in reply, “Hah, you’re teasing me, aren’t you? Hush, [name].” Stifling another chuckle, you melt into the Feline’s embrace; you’re quickly surrounded with such intense warmth that you forget that Kjerag is snowing around both you and him. SilverAsh leans down to nuzzle into your neck and his cheek almost hot on your skin, while his breath is cool when he whispers against your ear, “Happy Valentine’s, my dear. As of late, I’ve truthfully longed for nothing more than to spend it with you.” You grin at that, “...Me too.”

Before he pulls away, SilverAsh leaves a kiss on your jawline that causes your cheeks to flush pink. “Now then, should I explain my arrangements for today? Ice skating is indeed a joy that many in Terra can't enjoy, and as such I wanted you to experience it. It’s high time you did.” He motions to a nearby bench where you notice a box is sitting, “A pair of ice skates I had made for you are waiting. Come join me.”

You grow a little bashful as you go to take a seat and open the box, “Thank you for all of this. But Enciodas, you don’t have to get me so many gifts all the time. You already gave me that beautiful sculpture for Christmas…” The Feline’s tail begins to flick side to side and a small smug grin comes across his face, “No need to worry such things as that, my dear. Of course, money is something I’m rarely short of.” He chuckles lowly when you roll your eyes at him half-heartedly.

Once the skates are on, you approach the ice again. SilverAsh holds out a hand for you, “Shall we? I have much planned after this, and so-” Your eyes widen, and your surprises causes you to cut in before he can finish, “There’s more?” Rather than smugness, sincerity fills his expression this time; affection pools behind his eyes and spills out to cause a tender grin on his lips, “Of course there’s more, you’re only mine today. Now… won’t you take my hand, my dear?”

[theredtours]

No okay because I'm annoying I have decided to share the story of why this thing means so much to me. Gonna put it under a cut though because it's a lot and I'm not sorry for that, but I'm considerate of your dash. :)

A hundred years ago when I first got into collecting Taylor CDs, I happened upon a listing on eBay for a WANEGBT single. But it was expensive! I remember thinking, "Who would charge $80 for something you can get at Walmart for $3? What a rip off." So naturally, my curiosity got the better of me and I looked into it.

To my surprise, it was not in fact that same one you could pick up at any store, but a remixed version, which up until this point I had never even seen a physical copy of. With the tab still open, I started doing some research on other sites and forums and found that this was actually a DJ-only copy, and that not many had been made. A quick Google search taught me that these things, at least for Taylor, go for HUNDREDS of dollars, if not thousands, depending on their age and rarity. Now, considering WANEGBT was only maybe a year old at the time, I knew it wouldn't fetch as an extreme a price, but that I'd probably be outbid. I bid anyway, allowing myself to spend no more than $100, which, at the time, was unheard of for me. (Present me is laughing my ass off at this statement, by the way.)

To my absolute shock and amazement, I actually WON. She was the very first USDJ disc I ever owned, and I must have checked my mailbox every day that week waiting for her to arrive, and once she finally did, I giddily ran to my computer to rip her into my music library and then just have another little moment of joy over owning something I knew would one day be worth a lot of money!

But then I started talking to another collector. The two of us had actively seen eBay's dupes rise exponentially with the Red Tour approaching, and between the two of us, we'd become pretty good at spotting them. At this point, I believe I owned another three USDJ discs and was always checking them for any sign of fault in color, text, or even something as minute as letter spacing to ensure my products were always authentic. During one of our routine "investigations," if you will, I started noticing some inconsistencies with WANEGBT. For one, it was on a CD-R rather than a manufacturer-pressed disc. The disc's image color was off. And, when comparing it to others in my collection, it just seemed... wrong. FEAR. DISGUST. ANGER. Had I purchased a fake?

I was unsure, but now I had this pit in my stomach, and WANEGBT was the source. I couldn't look at it anymore; it was a blemish on my otherwise perfect collection. So, after about two months of debate, I turned around and sold it on eBay for $80.

THIS WAS A DECISION THAT HAD HAUNTED ME FOR YEARS. Turns out, every copy that was made for it was pressed on a CD-R, as most radio stations had moved to digital files rather than hard copies. The color inconsistencies? Completely normal for that pressing. And of course, now that I had discovered this via someone else who had the same copy, I was CD-less. ANGER. DISGUST. FEAR. In that order, I was once again left with a pit in my stomach. I had given someone else my legitimate copy for next to nothing, and no matter how often I searched, what words I used, or whom I contacted, I never saw hide nor hair of the thing anywhere on the net. It was like its existence had just been completely erased.

And then, just a couple months ago, I got a wild idea to check Discogs for an entirely different album, and on my search, decided to take a poke around at what items on my want list were for sale.

And then I see it: her. The darling, beautiful WANEGBT country remix DJ cd that I'd been kicking myself in the ass for selling for years, just waiting for me to find her. It only took a day and a half of back and forth communication with the seller to get pictures sent my way and confirmation that it was, in fact, legitimate before I slammed my mouse into that "purchase" button. Once again, I was paying $100 for a WANEGBT cd, but this time, I was doing so with full confidence and a sense of pride. This time, she was coming home to stay.

And stay she has, and stay she always will. You literally would have to pry her from my cold, dead hands, because we are never ever ever getting separated again. Like, ever. 🌸

Listen, I fully know how ridiculous this is, but every time I glance over and see my copy of WANEGBT country, I just get all heart eyes. Like literally head over heels in love with this dang cd. Sitting at my desk looking at it like

[stumpyjoepete]

The premise for web1 was that everyone on the internet would be both a publisher and consumer of content as well as a publisher and consumer of infrastructure We’d all have our own web server with our own web site, our own mail server for our own email, our own finger server for our own status messages, our own chargen server for our own character generation. However – and I don’t think this can be emphasized enough – that is not what people want. People do not want to run their own servers. Even nerds do not want to run their own servers at this point. Even organizations building software full time do not want to run their own servers at this point. If there’s one thing I hope we’ve learned about the world, it’s that people do not want to run their own servers. The companies that emerged offering to do that for you instead were successful, and the companies that iterated on new functionality based on what is possible with those networks were even more successful.

...

Instead of storing the data on-chain, NFTs instead contain a URL that points to the data. What surprised me about the standards was that there’s no hash commitment for the data located at the URL. Looking at many of the NFTs on popular marketplaces being sold for tens, hundreds, or millions of dollars, that URL often just points to some VPS running Apache somewhere. Anyone with access to that machine, anyone who buys that domain name in the future, or anyone who compromises that machine can change the image, title, description, etc for the NFT to whatever they’d like at any time (regardless of whether or not they “own” the token). There’s nothing in the NFT spec that tells you what the image “should” be, or even allows you to confirm whether something is the “correct” image. So as an experiment, I made an NFT that changes based on who is looking at it, since the web server that serves the image can choose to serve different images based on the IP or User Agent of the requester. For example, it looked one way on OpenSea, another way on Rarible, but when you buy it and view it from your crypto wallet, it will always display as a large 💩 emoji. What you bid on isn’t what you get. There’s nothing unusual about this NFT, it’s how the NFT specifications are built. Many of the highest priced NFTs could turn into 💩 emoji at any time; I just made it explicit. After a few days, without warning or explanation, the NFT I made was removed from OpenSea (an NFT marketplace). The takedown suggests that I violated some Term Of Service, but after reading the terms, I don’t see any that prohibit an NFT which changes based on where it is being looked at from, and I was openly describing it that way. What I found most interesting, though, is that after OpenSea removed my NFT, it also no longer appeared in any crypto wallet on my device. This is web3, though, how is that possible?

...

When you think about it, OpenSea would actually be much “better” in the immediate sense if all the web3 parts were gone. It would be faster, cheaper for everyone, and easier to use. For example, to accept a bid on my NFT, I would have had to pay over $80-$150+ just in ethereum transaction fees. That puts an artificial floor on all bids, since otherwise you’d lose money by accepting a bid for less than the gas fees. Payment fees by credit card, which typically feel extortionary, look cheap compared to that. OpenSea could even publish a simple transparency log if people wanted a public record of transactions, offers, bids, etc to verify their accounting. However, if they had built a platform to buy and sell images that wasn’t nominally based on crypto, I don’t think it would have taken off. Not because it isn’t distributed, because as we’ve seen so much of what’s required to make it work is already not distributed. I don’t think it would have taken off because this is a gold rush. People have made money through cryptocurrency speculation, those people are interested in spending that cryptocurrency in ways that support their investment while offering additional returns, and so that defines the setting for the market of transfer of wealth. The people at the end of the line who are flipping NFTs do not fundamentally care about distributed trust models or payment mechanics, but they care about where the money is. So the money draws people into OpenSea, they improve the experience by building a platform that iterates on the underlying web3 protocols in web2 space, they eventually offer the ability to “mint” NFTs through OpenSea itself instead of through your own smart contract, and eventually this all opens the door for Coinbase to offer access to the validated NFT market with their own platform via your debit card. That opens the door to Coinbase managing the tokens themselves through dark pools that Coinbase holds, which helpfully eliminates the transaction fees and makes it possible to avoid having to interact with smart contracts at all. Eventually, all the web3 parts are gone, and you have a website for buying and selling JPEGS with your debit card. The project can’t start as a web2 platform because of the market dynamics, but the same market dynamics and the fundamental forces of centralization will likely drive it to end up there.

[krispytidalwavesheep]

Hopes and Dreams II

First of all: HOW AMAZING ARE YOU PEOPLE?! You gave me so much serotonin. All the reblogs with added tags, all the comments and favs and all the new followers, you are amazing. I will add a taglist for future chapters, so if you wanna get tagged, hit me up, and you will be added to that list. Seriously, I love you guys. ***

“Will you be able to walk?” Alcina asked and you just shrugged and motioned for her to lead the way. You walked in companionable silence for a while, which gave her the chance to take a longer look at you. You were pretty tall, even though you were still rather small compared to Alcina. She was pretty sure that you were taller than Heisenberg though, and that made her feel odd. You held yourself with a confidence she wouldn’t have expected after everything that happened in the last few minutes, reminding her again that you were not unfamiliar with the supernatural. It unnerved her to no end, and she found herself wanting to solve the mystery that surrounded you. Where did you come from? Exactly what is it what you were doing here? Would you turn into a threat or into an ally? Alcina wasn’t stupid, far from it. She knew that Mother Miranda’s hold on the Lords was slipping, Heisenberg’s silent plotting was proof enough. Did Mother Miranda know that you were here? Alcina sure didn’t, and the other Lords didn’t mention a stranger roaming the village and the surrounding woods. Although Heisenberg mentioned that an unusual amount of Lycans had disappeared. 

Her eyes roamed your figure again. Your hair was kept in a neat undercut, colored in a hideous blue that still looked good on you. You were clad in a black Hoodie and equally black Cargo pants, as if the cold didn’t bother you at all. It was the middle of the winter and yet you strolled through the cold as if it was springtime. Which made her wonder if you were really just a mere human. Everything she experienced with you implied that you weren’t ordinary and that intrigued Alcina greatly.

“You could just ask me about myself, you know?” you said and smiled up at her knowingly. Alcina flustered and wiped some non-existent lint from her long dress. So, you were aware that she was watching you.

“We usually don’t see strangers in these parts, especially ones who seem to know more than they should. Which raises the question why exactly you are here?”

“Considering that we just met, my lady, it wouldn’t be wise to reveal my whole tragic backstory. And further considering that I don’t know if I’ll see the light of day ever again if I were to enter your castle, forgive me if I won’t trust you with my motives yet. All you need to know for know is, that I am a traveler and have been for my whole life. I search for artifacts, among other things, that my benefactor can sell for good money. He took me in when I was just a child and took great care in training me. He is the closest thing I have to a father figure, although most people think me insane for the trust, I have in him. And as for why I am in Romania, I don’t really know to be honest, or wasn’t when I first got here. It was a gut feeling telling me to come here, and I find that I can trust those feelings, whenever they arise.” You said and stretched.

“I won’t keep you locked in the castle if you don’t give me a reason to mistrust you. There is a reason why no one come to these parts, so I am very wary of strangers. I have daughters to protect after all.” Alcina said, musing about what you said. If you were a traveler looking for artifacts, it would explain why you look at the supernatural as if it was a normal occurrence.

“You will have to see for yourself then, but I can assure you, that I am not here to hurt you or your daughters. My last mission… Didn’t go well and I originally came here recharge a bit, if you know what I mean. Again, forgive me if I am being too careful, but I have more enemies than I have friends, and I really like living.” You said carefully and Alcina kept staring at you. You didn’t seem dangerous to her, how could you, looking like you did, but she was still wary. She felt the sudden urge to protect you from whatever enemies you were talking about, but you were strangers. That realization hurt her more than it should, but with your past lives, it was so different. She always knew who was in front of her, whenever she met you, but this time around was just so complicated.

She felt drawn to you, even with your boyish looks you were still immensely attractive to her, and the way your blood sang to her made you all the more alluring. More than ever before if she was honest. But that is the problem, you were still familiar to her, but not as much as before and it scared her. You still had the potential to destroy her, even if you didn’t know about that.

***

You could practically smell the curiosity rolling of Lady Dimitrescu. She was wary of you and yet there was something in her eyes that you couldn’t quite place, even though it made your heart soar to new heights. She was as much a mystery to you as you were to her, and you felt so drawn to her. Like a moth to the flame. You briefly wondered if it had something to do with her nature. She seemed like a careful person, but considering from what you heard in the village, you totally got that. Which is why her next question caught you quite a bit off-guard: “Do you actually have a place to stay or are you just roaming around the forest, picking fights with Lycans?”

“Are you offering, my lady?” you said, wearing a Cheshire grin and wiggling your eyebrows. The blush that colored the Lady’s cheeks was worth every punishment you could possibly get from that comment. You still valued your life though, so you said: “I don’t mean you any harm. I just enjoy some friendly banter and it has been ages since I felt comfortable enough to do so. To answer your question, no, I don’t really have a place to stay. I’m helping someone with their housework every now and then though, so as a thanks they let me sleep on their couch whenever possible.”

“What kind of housework?”

“Nothing much, some cooking and general repairs.” You shrug and the smile she gave you was positively sinful when she asked, “What else are you able to do with your hands?”

It was your turn to blush and blushing you did; you even felt the tips of your ears go warm and it didn’t help at all that Lady Dimitrescu started chuckling. Still, you weren’t one to miss an opportunity so you said “Well that’s for you to find out, my lady” with a smaller voice you would have liked. How had one woman such a power over you?

“Hmmm, maybe I will, my dear,” she said and winked, making your brain short circuit. You stumbled in your steps and her hand steadying you didn`t help one bit. Sparks shot through your arm when she touched you and you felt something niggling at the back of your mind. No one ever had such an effect on you, no matter how stunningly beautiful they were. Suddenly, shivers ran down your spine, and not the good ones, so you took a protective stand in front of Lady Dimitrescu and said “Careful. Someone is watching.”

And just as you spoke the words, a shadow descended upon you and your instinct started to kick in. Your knife was out in seconds, a voice in your head urging you to protect your Lady. So, when the shadow descended upon you, you had it pinned down, snarling furiously. You felt your fangs elongating and your sense grew ever sharper. Well, seems like the cat was out of the bag now.

“Let go of me!” the girl you had pinned to the ground snarled, but her attempts to flee were futile. 

“Give me one good reason to not kill you on the spot. How long have you been stalking us?” You snarl, feeling your blood start to boil.

“Let go of her, dear. She had no ill intentions.” Lady Dimitrescu said, and against all odds, you calmed. Huh. That had never happened before.

“Is this a new plaything, mother?” the girl asked, and you started snarling again, but a hand at the back of your neck made you freeze.

“Don’t be rude, Daniela. She is our guest, and she needs some medical attention. So be nice.” Lady Dimitrescu said and the girl, Daniela started pouting and muttering something under her breath. You were still on edge, bare containing the snarl that wanted to leave your throat. The hand around your neck tightened in warning and another shiver ran down your spine. One of the good ones.

“So, I was right about you. You are not entirely human.” Lady Dimitrescu purred, and you had the sudden urge to bolt and hide away. You noticed how much she must have hold back until now, the danger rolling of on her in waves was something you never once encountered.

“I told you that something happened to me. If you promise not to harm me, I will tell you what happened. But I can promise you that I am no danger to you or anyone else, if not properly provoked.” You said and dusted of your knees. She let go of you and turned to Daniela, conversing with her in Romanian. Daniela looked at you with sudden intrigue and a nasty smile. She practically screamed trouble, and you weren’t sure if you could handle it.

“Come now, it isn’t far anymore. Daniela will alert the castle of our arrival, to avoid any nasty surprises.” Lady Dimitrescu said and led you away. And sure enough, a few minutes later you reached the castle gate, three figures awaiting you. One you recognized as Daniela, so the other two must be her sisters. One of them looked at you with mild interest, while the other one looked at you with a spark of recognition in her eyes. Had you met before on one of your travels? You were pretty sure that wasn’t the case, but let it slide anyway, since you had bigger problems right now.

“Bela, would you please prepare the sitting room in the west wing? I will need some antiseptic and bandages, warm water would be wonderful too. When you are finished with that, prepare the guest room next to mine. We will talk later.”

The one who seemed to recognize you from somewhere left in a flurry of… bugs? What the fuck? 

“Cassandra, Daniela, please prepare a light super. I will talk to you two later two. Just bring the food into the sitting room when you are finished, yes?” The order was given gently and in another flurry of bugs, you were alone again.

“You can explain yourself when I am cleaning and dressing your wounds. Come now.” She said and led you into the castle. You were still processing the abilities of her daughter, so you followed her silently into the dimly lit entryway. *** Taglist: @imdreamingblo

[honeymoonjin]

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ot7 x reader || ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 5.9k || ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: smut - rated 18+

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ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: cursing, panic attack

A/N: apologies for my tgm crimes here but i gotta keep you on your toes since you have the old plan. also i'm not going to spoil anything but day 25 has one of my fav scenes in the show so far ;;-; so please enjoy this chapter and i will continue to work hard to finish the following one and get back into the posting routine!

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

You’re roused from sleep by the feathered sensation of fingertips on your jaw. Twitching slightly, you try and move away from it, burrowing deeper into the warm, gently rocking pillow your head is propped up on.

Before you can slip back under, however, the fingers give one last attack: a sudden flick to your cheek that echoes with a thwack. You flinch and furrow your brows, grumbling your displeasure since your words haven’t quite found you yet.

“Get up, sleepyhead, unless you’d rather I just piss in the bed.”

That’ll do it. You shoot up so quickly your vision swims, one side of your face feeling cold without the comfort of Yoongi’s chest. “Fuck you, go pee,” you slur, eyes still half-closed, the morning glare peeking through a gap in his curtains.

Yoongi happily but hurriedly trots off to the bathroom, giving you a moment of respite to collect yourself. It takes a few moments to recall the previous night, not just the way Yoongi’s voice had made you cum in your room, but also the way it later lulled you to sleep as he told you hushed stories of his childhood or anecdotes from his days as a sex education teacher.

You can even hear his voice now, just barely slipping under the crack of the door, humming and singing under his breath as he washes his hands.

When he finally exits, you’re propped up by pillows, duvet tucked over your knees and eyes crinkled fondly at his bedhead.

“Oh, no,” he starts with a frown, “you better get that look off of your face.”

Your smile drops. “What?”

Taming his hair with a few flat strokes, he shakes his head. “I need somebody sane in this house to talk to. You aren’t allowed to fall in love with me, it’s conflict of interest.”

Mouth dropping open, it takes you a few minutes to note the subtle curl to his lips. “You dick! I’m certainly not planning on it, don’t flatter yourself.”

“Hey,” he defends in a drawl, no attempt at modesty as he shucks his pyjamas before browsing his chest of drawers, “it’s been done before. You come for the massive dick and stay for the massive heart.” He pauses, shoulder muscles flexing as he reaches in to a drawer, pulling out a pair of dark wash jeans. “Stop looking at my ass, I’m trying to lecture you.”

On the contrary, you lower your gaze and narrow in on it. “You’re starting to develop a little bubble butt, Yoongi. It’s very cute.” Not leaving him time to protest, you barrel on. “Besides, your dick isn’t that big.”

“That’s only because you’re comparing mine to hyung’s. And Namjoon’s. And… And Jungkook’s, I guess. And-” Suddenly he cuts himself off, throwing himself back on the bed with his back hunched in despair. “Fuck, do I have a small dick?”

“Mm, not really,” you dismiss easily, deciding to finally get out of bed and pick out your own clothes - selecting them from Yoongi’s drawers, of course. He makes no protest, still staring blankly at the jeans in his hands. “You just have steep competition here. There’s nothing wrong with small dicks, either. They’re cute.”

Now visible from your angle, Yoongi’s face twists in a grimace. “But my dick isn’t small, right?”

You shrug, slipping on one of his FG shirts and a pair of sweatpants loose enough that you have to knot the drawstrings. “If it helps you sleep at night.”

He spares one somber glance down between his legs before he slips on a pair of underwear, finally stepping into the jeans. There’s a brief period of comfortable silence, before he lets out a small sigh. “Can I… Can I confess something to you?”

Although a quip would be easy enough to say, you sense the joking is over. “Of course, Yoongi,” you assure instead, sitting cross-legged on the unmade bed beside him. He doesn’t meet your eye, busying himself with slipping a shirt over his head. “What’s up?”

Once he’s fully dressed, he still keeps his eyes low. “When you- On Monday, when you voted out Jin-hyung. I was so glad.”

You pause for a moment. “Because you wanted him out of the competition?” you venture, but he shakes his head dully.

“Because I thought he might look at me again if he didn’t have you.”

Something sinks in your stomach, cold enough to make you shiver. The guilt in Yoongi’s voice doesn’t conceal the open vulnerability of his expression as he fiddles with his bitten fingernails. “What do you mean, Yoongi?”

“What him and I had earlier wasn’t healthy, I know that,” he defends to himself, “but… I still miss it. I miss him. But even when I spoke to him after the elimination, all he would talk about was you. And I can’t even be mad, because I get it. And I- If I’m honest,” he murmurs, feet scuffing restlessly on the carpet, “I don’t even know what I’m wanting to achieve by telling you this, but I couldn’t stand not having anybody know about it. I never wanted it to get this messy. I told myself I wouldn’t let my feelings get caught up. But I think a little heartbreak would be worth it, for him. Is that stupid?”

You feel so unanchored, like there’s nothing for you to grab onto to steady yourself. More so, you feel entirely incapable of helping your friend like you so desperately want to. “It’s not stupid,” you begin, reaching out to cup one of his hands snugly between the two of yours, head resting on his shoulder in solidarity, “and I’m so sorry. Does he- does he know you feel this way?”

“I don’t think so,” Yoongi admits in a low voice, leaning into your touch. “If he does, then he must not like me since he’s not acknowledging it. And if he doesn’t, then he must have never even considered me like that. I know I was a distraction at best.”

You knit your brows together, deep in thought to try and find the right words to say. “Or perhaps he knows and he’s respecting your boundaries by letting you initiate, especially since he was the one who took advantage of you last time. And perhaps he doesn’t know, and it’s only because he’s so caught up in his own feelings that he hasn’t considered that you may feel the same. You just don’t know these things, Yoongi. I didn’t know how you felt either until you told me.”

He nods slowly, jerkily. “Yeah,” he says weakly. “Jungkook said almost the exact same thing, actually.”

You pull back slowly, curiosity colouring your tone. “Jungkook?”

Yoongi manages a shy smile, cheeks colouring slightly. “He approached me. We- we talk a lot, way more than hyung and I ever did. I know Kookie has a crush on me, and we said we’d take things slow, but dammit, I can’t help but like the kid.”

You let a surprised laugh bubble up your throat. “That- I was not expecting that, but I’m so glad, Yoongi. Even if you don’t have Jin, I’m glad you’re letting yourself be happy with others.”

His smile falters. “Is it greedy that liking Jungkook doesn’t make me want Jin-hyung any less?”

You go still, thinking of your own blooming feelings for... Well, for most of the people in this house, if not - at least a little bit - all of them. “I don’t know,” you answer honestly. “I’d like to think not.”

Yoongi lifts his gaze to you, carefully studying your face. “Do you ever worry,” he begins, so softly that you have to strain to make the words out, “that our feelings have been set up. By the show, I mean.” His brows furrow deeper. “We’re living in a practical paradise - luxurious house with no real jobs, our food is paid for, we’re literally getting rewarded to have sex. It’s so artificial, you know? So who’s to say that our feelings are artificial, too? I- I’ve been thinking about that a lot,” he admits with a pensive stare.

You can’t lie. You nod. “I’d like to think not,” you repeat hollowly, “but… I mean, yeah, this feels like some alternate reality, and thinking of any of you in normal, mundane, real-life scenarios seems so strange. Like, can you picture Hoseok sitting down and doing his taxes?”

Yoongi snorts, shaking his head in bemusement as a line of tension eases from his shoulders. “I hope he hires an accountant. I certainly wouldn’t trust him with my money.”

You let out a deep sigh and fall backwards onto the duvet, air punched out of you on impact. “The thing is, Yoongi,” you declare in a matter-of-fact tone, “we have no way of knowing what life will be like once all this is wrapped up so why even bother worrying?”

He turns slightly, just enough to watch you warily over his shoulder. “Maybe because I could get my heart broken?”

You pout at him. “Tell me how that’s any different from developing a crush in real life?”

He opens his mouth, furrows his brows, and closes it again. “I- Ugh. Fuck you for being correct.”

Pleased with yourself, you hide your grin as you playfully knock his side with your foot, making him recoil with a groan. “Be as cautious or as impulsive as you want, but even if all this is fake, you could’ve just as easily developed those feelings outside of the show. Like come on, if you saw Jin in the grocery store don’t tell me you wouldn’t fall in love on sight!”

Yoongi shakes his head again, a wry smile playing at his lips. “I see your point… and now I’m picturing Jin getting groceries and looking hot doing it...wow.”

You cackle at the dazed look on Yoongi’s face, using his arm to pull yourself up off the bed, patting him on the shoulder. “Good talk, champ. I’m off to chow down on the leftover pork from last night. Care to join me?”

His eyes glitter, but the doctor declines. “Yoonji said she blackmailed one of the production team to bring her fried chicken from her favourite place. She’s hiding it in the bunk room, but you didn’t hear that from me. She’s selling some to me for a small fortune, the little devil.”

“Less than half a week here and she’s already set up a black market,” you muse, “I think I may be in love with her, Yoongi.”

“Don’t you dare.”

--

While the kitchen is empty when you first arrive, it only takes the sizzle of pork belly in a saucepan to draw your roommates down.

Jin is first, silently rummaging in the pantry and fridge for some side dishes to add to the mix. In return, you begin boiling some hot water, adding instant coffee mix to two mugs.

As the others join, the line of mugs and glasses on the kitchen island grows, until even the two Min twins are hovering in the kitchen, looking suspicously still hungry after their illicit breakfast.

There aren’t enough chairs at the table to seat you all, but luckily Taehyung and Jungkook are happy hunched over the bench in the kitchen, sharing a set of Airpods and snickering at a seemingly endless stream of TikToks.

At the table, Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi chow down on their meals, the latter with a considerably smaller portion made up mostly of meat. Yoonji and Jimin are on either side of you, with Jin on one end, chewing slow to savour each bite.

It’s the first time in a while that you’ve all shared breakfast at the same time, and you’re struck with a deep feeling of fondness at this little family-like group you’re living with.  Jimin sneaks extra strips of meat or spoonfuls of rice into your bowl when he thinks you’re not looking; Hoseok listens enthusiastically to Namjoon’s explanation of a summer school course he’s taking, even as he has to ask for clarification just about every second sentence; Yoongi splits his time between checking up on the two maknaes with a soft look, and scowling at his sister’s teasing comments.

“Any plans for the day?” Yoonji asks suddenly, tugging you out of your musings. She’s dressed sleekly in a black velvet mock neck shirt and high waisted denim shorts, her face as stark a resemblance to her brother as ever, with two sharp lines of black on her lids being the only visible makeup. “Except, I suppose, the mandatory fucking.”

You huff with pink cheeks, never growing used to hearing it so openly. “The days kinda blur together a little when you have no real responsibilities,” you admit, “I should probably find a hobby or something.”

Yoonji’s eyes crinkle in faux empathy. “Oh, honey, you’re gonna be so out of it when you return to the real world. You all will,” she adds, before shrugging, “except maybe Namjoon. Seems like academia doesn’t stop for anyone.”

You can’t help but agree. “He has more brain cells in his pinky finger than I do in my own body,” you swear, “he could break an arm and still type a thesis one-handed.”

Halfway through a mouthful of food, you’re rewarded to the ungraceful yet endlessly endearing sound of her snorting, a hand cupped over her mouth. After swallowing, she turns towards you to respond. “I haven’t known him for long, but that seems to check out. He’s quite the character, huh?”

You don’t miss the meaningful lilt to her voice, nor the quirk of a sharp brow. “He’s a good guy,” you reply under your breath, gaze darting down the table to where the man himself is engaged in an intensely enthusiastic discussion (okay, closer to a TedTalk) with Hoseok, now using pieces of meat to create an abstract diagram in his otherwise empty bowl. The latter looks bewildered, but is nonetheless paying deep attention to every word.

It’s impossible not to feel soft inside as you look at the pair of them, all complementary contrast. Hoseok with his slender nose and harsh facial structure and Namjoon with a round, gentle face. One of them dressed in sleek black and the other in oversized earth tones, the typically reserved one animated and the bubbly one focused in. It had taken you barely a month of shared living to become completely fond of these men, not just Namjoon and Hoseok but all of them, and as much as it was nice to have someone new in the Villa for a while, Yoonji’s presence makes you more aware of the fact that you and the seven guys had developed a certain equilibrium that seemed slightly off-balance with the change.

It makes you worry about what other disturbances this delicate system could hold, and if returning to the real world would be a shift large enough to permanently upend it.

Wishing to dispel the pessimistic narrative beginning to form, you focus in on Yoonji again. “Anyways,” you start, “how are you finding the Villa so far?”

“Certainly an interesting look behind the veil, though it’s really not ideal having to-” Yoonji’s cut off by the chirp of an incoming message on her phone. “Sorry, one sec,” she mumbles absentmindedly, but you don’t miss the way her face falls when she reads the message, immediately glancing directly across the table to where her brother sits.

To your growing concern, Yoongi is also reading a message on his phone, and he quietly excuses himself from the table, leaving his bowl half-eaten. He jerks his head towards the front door, and Yoonji manages a quick apology before they’re leaving the room.

All startled out of their separate conversations, the remaining members of the household sit in confused silence, enough that even Taehyung and Jungkook turn around from their phones.

“What’s going on?” Jungkook asks in a worried voice. “Where’s Yoongi-hyung?”

Nobody replies, Jin just shaking his head with a grim frown and leaving the table himself, going after them.

“Guys,” Taehyung says more insistently, eyes not leaving the empty seats at the table.

“They both got a text,” you say with furrowed brows, “Yoongi and Yoonji. Must’ve been bad news, judging by their faces.”

“Jin-hyung’ll find out what’s going on,” Namjoon assures, though it sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself, “let’s just clean up for them and wait for an update. Yeah?”

The two youngest nod solemnly, still with a single Airpod each bobbing in their opposite ears.

For a while, the group of you remaining sit in silence, as if caught up in some spell that would only be broken once Jin returned with some answers. The absence of Yoongi at the table is so much more pronounced, and you can’t help but feel the sickening worry swirl inside you when you look at his bowl, chopsticks strewn carelessly beside it.

Everyone is just waiting for bad news. You’ve felt this looming dread before, and it either came with a swoop of relief or a blow of despair. Your teeth find your thumbnail as you wait helplessly to see which one it’ll be.

It feels like an eternity before the door finally opens, making everyone jump, but only a few minutes have really passed. Jin is panting slightly, like he ran back from wherever Yoongi disappeared to.

“He’s-” he starts quickly, before a tremor passes over his face and he grimaces, jogging over and falling heavily into his chair at the table, face in his hands. “Their dad is in hospital. Heart attack.”

“Oh my god,” Namjoon breathes, brows knit together in sympathy. “Is he okay? Was it serious?”

Jin shrugs, looking up enough to run his hand over his face and take a shaky breath. “He’s alright for now, but apparently they need to make sure it doesn’t repeat anytime soon. If he settles, he’ll be fine, but there’s a chance that he might suffer another attack. Yoongi and Yoonji are going to the hospital now to stay with him until they’re more certain he’s stable. Just in case.”

“When is he coming back? Yoongi-hyung?” Jungkook’s eyes are wide, shiny. He can’t stop fiddling with his fingers, self-soothing.

“Not for a while, I don’t think,” Jin divulges with a pained expression. “He needs to be there for his family right now. That’s all I know, I’m sorry.”

The front door creaks, and all of you instinctively whip your heads towards it, as if Yoongi himself might be returning already, but you’re greeted with the weary face of Producer Sejin, joining you at the table, taking Yoongi’s old spot. Taehyung frowns deeply at the choice, turning his face away.

“What’s going on?” you ask quickly. “What happens to Yoongi? And us?”

“Yoongi is… He was in a rush to get going, understandably, so we didn’t speak in great depth. But he in short stated that he’d return when his father was in better health if the place was still open for him. I’ve got in contact with the higher-ups, and we’ve agreed to put the show on a temporary hold.”

“On hold?” Jungkook asks in a nervous voice. “What does that even mean?”

Sejin clears his throat stiffly and clicks his tongue. “Well. It means we’re putting a stop to the game for now, in short. If Yoongi is able to return by the end of the week, we’ll resume as usual. Otherwise, we’ll consider him to have permanently left the competition, and we’ll be forced to continue the game without him.”

You frown, fighting the urge to cry. This all feels so wrong, like he’s been taken from you with little hope of reunion, and discussing it like administration feels so clinical. “So we’re just sitting here, not knowing if he’s going to come back home, waiting around in limbo?” As soon as you finish, it feels like the word home lingers in the air longer than the rest of them. And perhaps this house doesn’t feel like home to you, but it certainly seems like six of the seven pieces of home are around you right now, and it’s not the same without him away. By the way the others are solemn and red-eyed, you probably aren’t the only one that’s begun feeling that way.

Sejin just shakes his head slowly, as subdued as you all are. “Listen, I know this isn’t ideal. The boss wanted to film it, make a big drama out of it, and then kick him off the show for views. I’m doing the best I can here to compromise and give him some dignity.”

Eyes widening, you stare at the round eyes of the cameras in the living room. “Are you- are you even allowed to say that?”

“I cut the camera feeds,” Sejin says in a defeated tone, “the show is officially off-air for technical difficulties. You can do what you want here while you wait - hell, you can leave if you want, just please be prepared to come back on the Sunday. We’ll have a discussion about whether Yoongi can return, and what we’ll do if he doesn’t. Understood?”

“Understood,” Namjoon offers up for the group, and the producer leaves with another sigh and an attempt at a comforting smile. You can’t help but feel bad for him, working such an emotionally draining job, especially when you’ve heard nothing but bad things about his employer.

Once the room falls into quiet again, Jin stands up, chair legs scraping against the floor. “Okay, I think we should decide as a group what we’re wanting to do. Stay or go?”

You open your mouth to give your two cents, but before you can, Jungkook suddenly chokes on a sob and covers his face with his hands, Jimin immediately scooting his chair closer to wrap an arm around his shaking shoulders.

“Hey, what is it?” Jimin asks quietly, but the room is so silent that you all catch it. “Talk to me, bun. What is it?”

Jungkook takes a few stuttering breaths to compose himself, sniffling. “I don’t want you all to leave too,” he confesses, Jimin’s thumb catching a tear dangling on the tip of his nose, “isn’t Yoongi-hyung enough?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” the elder promises, pressing a kiss into his hairline before looking up at the rest of you, eyes widening intentionally. “We’ll stick together through this until he comes back, yeah? It’s not all bad. The cameras are off, remember? We can have a break now, we don’t need to worry about the show. Isn’t that nice?”

After a moment’s considering, Jungkook nods slowly. “‘t is nice,” he admits begrudgingly. “But only if everyone stays.”

You can’t help but smile fondly, getting up yourself to come behind him, stroking his hair back. “We’ll stay, of course we’ll stay. Let’s spend some time together tonight, we can put on a movie and snuggle, how about that?”

He perks up at the thought of this, glancing around the table as the others nod in affirmation. “I’ll bring down the blankets,” he bargains, cracking a small smile, and the rest of the room relaxes, immediately bursting into sound as everyone arranges the necessary supplies for a good quality movie night, almost back to normal.

Jungkook, as the member of the Villa in most urgent need of a pick-me-up, is given movie choosing privileges, so the seven of you tuck in for a rewatch of his favourite Spiderman movies, perhaps the only thing that can keep him glued to the screen.

At first, the absence feels overwhelming to you. Try as you might through the opening sequence, you can’t shake it. Your mind counts heads without thinking, keeps looking at the space on the couch where Yoongi liked to put his feet up. Even though you know it’s his father who is unwell, not him, there’s the sick swelling in your stomach that makes you feel like his departure is final, and shortly after the title card plays out, you’re quietly excusing yourself and stumbling to the back door, in desperate need of fresh air.

It’s cold outside, a brisk wind cutting through you. You barely make it around the corner out of sight before your legs buckle, and you let yourself fall into a pathetic crouch, your weight propped up against the side of the house as you try to suck the chilled air into your lungs.

The panic creeps up on you in swells, the irrational fear that Yoongi would leave the show and you’d never see him again and everything would fall apart suddenly feeling like a whole tsunami crashing against you. Your fingers claw at the exterior wall as you fall back onto your behind, unable to even keep yourself in a crouch.

More so than the intrusive thoughts, it’s the image of Yoongi’s face falling, of him rushing out of the house in frantic distress that replays in your mind and leaves you suffocating. He looked so scared, your calm, reliable Yoongi. He was like a pillar, but that news was a fell swoop he couldn’t stay strong against. Your heart burns for him, cramping and aching in your chest.

For a moment, you picture yourself staying out here, gasping for breath until the sun goes down. You feel alone, more than ever since coming here, and even as the thought spooks you, there’s no energy in your body to do anything about it.

Just as your breaths start to sound more like death rattles and you curl your face towards the ground, a warmth envelopes your back, arms circling your middle and lifting you up.

“Hey, breathe, breathe with me, Y/n. I’m here.”

You recognise the voice. You recognise the built torso holding you steady, but your mind isn’t putting the pieces together, and so you simply squeeze your eyes shut and allow yourself to be maneuvered around there are hands on your face and a deep voice instructing you to look at me. I’m here; look at me.

You crack your eyes open, body heaving with the effort it takes to get any oxygen in your lungs, but you’re met with the soulful brown eyes of Kim Namjoon, narrowed in concern.

His hands are warm despite the frigid air outside, and you let yourself melt into him, eyes sinking to watch his lips mouth instructions, demonstrating exaggerated breathing for you to follow.

You feel distinctly like you might vomit, but you force yourself to match his breaths. The shuddering in and stilted out aren’t as fluid as his, but slowly your heart doesn’t thud in your ears and your body doesn’t shake as violently.

You feel damp, sweating all over, and your whole body aches, but your hearing begins to properly tune in again, coherence creeping back. “Na-Namjoon,” you gasp, wishing you had the energy to grab his arms or hug him or something other than lying limp against the wall of the house.

“Shh, hey, don’t strain yourself. Take it easy. I’m here.” He’s crouching in front of you, eyes locked onto you as he continues to hold you steady, jaw kept aloft by his hands. “Keep breathing, and it’ll go away. It’s a panic attack, I’ve had my fair share. You’ll come right.”

Trusting him despite the persisting burn in your chest, you let him coach your breathing for several more minutes, the heightened air influx making your head go light and floaty.

Once a counted breath turns into a yawn of exhaustion, you know the worst has passed. It leaves you boneless, not a single ounce of power left in your muscles, but you can breathe again, and it’s all thanks to the man across from you.

“I’ve never had one before,” you manage, voice cracking, “not like that.”

Namjoon’s lips press together in sympathy, and he turns to prop himself against the side of the house beside you, letting you continue breathing independently. “Is it Yoongi-hyung?”

You nod weakly, and the academic hums in confirmation. “I used to get panic attacks a lot in university. I used to hate them, thought they meant I was weak. Like I couldn’t handle the pressure as much as I thought I could. But, you know, these days I just figure I’m only panicking because it means so much to me. And I don’t think that makes me weak at all. It just means I care. Don’t feel ashamed about this, Y/n. All it means is that you care about hyung a lot.”

All the breath in your lungs leaves you in one rush as you prop your head in your hands, knees tucked towards your chest. “Yeah.” You wish you had something more appreciative to say, but your mind is waterlogged, weighed down and not functioning.

Namjoon doesn’t seem to mind the curt response. “I care about him a lot too. He’s like the glue for us, isn’t he? I’m worried to fall apart without him here keeping us in line. But we survived before we knew him and we’ll survive now. What’s better is supporting each other and waiting to see how we can support Yoongi-hyung, too.”

“You’re right,” you admit with a heavy breath, wiggling your toes to will energy back into them. “We’ll be okay.”

Namjoon bends sideways to bump your shoulder warmly. “That’s the spirit. Now; I’m happy to stay out here as long as you need, but Jungkook was the first one to notice you had been gone for a while, and I think he’s probably getting concerned by now. If you’re up to it, I can give you a hand to get inside and join the others again. What do you reckon?”

You lean your head back against the wall, taking a moment to consider. “What movie is he putting on next?”

“He mentioned wanting to check out Paw Patrol on Netflix.”

“Let me die out here,” you plead weakly.

Namjoon laughs, the sound like comfort itself, and stands up, offering you a hand. “Come on, kitten, up we get.”

In the end, the Netflix viewings manage to distract you for the rest of the night. When your limbs are tangled together and snacks are flowing, it’s easy to tune out of reality a bit and focus on the television screen in the comfort of shared company. Jungkook clears space on the couch for you the second you return, and clings to you for hours, his chin on your shoulder. You don’t complain, feeling soothed by the physical closeness. But the hours pass, and when the majority of you can no longer hold in your yawns, Seokjin gets up to turn the lights back on and clean up.

“Let’s get some rest,” he decides, and it’s that return to the real world that immediately dampens the atmosphere again, the group of you turning solemn. You pause to pull out your phone, sending Yoongi a quick message of support, and that you all missed him already, but no reply comes.

Without words being spoken, the seven of you remaining find yourselves flocking together as you make your way up to bed. Jin flanks the maknae as Namjoon and Hoseok lean heavily into each other, the four of them disappearing into Jin’s room. You naturally fall into step with the remaining two men, Taehyung linking his arm into yours and holding you close all the way to Jimin’s room.

Somehow, the house is too quiet. Even though Yoongi wasn’t a particularly noisy housemate, his absence cloaks the air.

You have no energy to shower. Washing your face is as much as you can manage, and Taehyung is even more despairing than you are, slumped on the toilet seat as Jimin cleans his face for him.

The uncertainty is what makes your heart flutter on edge, unable to wind down, and you know from the restrained looks of fear and distress in the guys’ eyes that they feel the same. The show would be undoubtably ruined if Yoongi couldn’t return. But more important than that, Yoongi would be ruined if he lost his father so suddenly.

Knowing Yoongi is hurting makes you ache, and you cling to your lovers like they’re your anchors in a churning sea, tucking your face firmly into Taehyung’s shoulder. It soothes you a little to be pinned between them, but the three of you still lie awake as the minutes blink by agonisingly slow.

At some point, you must fall into a fitful sleep, because when a sudden noise fills the room, it rouses you aggressively, and you almost kick Jimin’s shin in the process. Grunting, the half-asleep man rubs his face and twists around, fumbling on the nightstand for the offending noise.

It’s Taehyung’s phone, vibrating against the wooden table, and once Jimin blinks twice at the glaring screen he gasps and yanks the charger out, sitting up in bed. “It’s hyung,” he declares in a voice more vulnerable than you’d ever heard from him before. “Wake Tae.”

You force yourself to dispel those last few wisps of sleep from your brain, and gently shake Taehyung awake. According to the clock on the nightstand, it’s almost two in the morning, but your heart leaps as Yoongi’s face fills the phone screen, looking right at the three of you.

“I thought you would be together,” he states with a rueful smile, though you can see that it doesn’t quite reach his reddened eyes. “Sorry for calling so late.”

“Don’t apologise, hyung,” Taehyung whines, half of his weight on you as he leans in close, “we were so worried about you. How’s your dad?”

Yoongi’s brows furrow beneath mussed hair. “Not great,” he admits. “A little more stable, at least, but he’s pretty confused right now. Nurses worry that it might have affected his brain.”

Your heart sinks, both at the thought of a relatively young man suffering such awful health complications, but also at how Yoongi was trying to hide his exhaustion and distress. “Oh my god.”

“Mm, we should know soon what the damage is,” Yoongi explains further, rubbing his eyes with the hand not holding his phone aloft, “and if he’s alright I can head back h- head back to the Villa. He’s just been sleeping a lot today so… We don’t really know how he’ll be until he’s conscious for enough time. Yoonji’s with him at the moment, I just wanted to duck out and give you guys an update. Where are the others?”

“Jin-hyung’s room,” Jimin answers, even as he’s throwing back the covers. “They’ll want to hear from you themselves, just hold on a minute.”

You hear Yoongi’s voice echoing from the phone and strain to make out his words as Jimin heads to the door. “No, no, don’t wake them. I actually wanted to ask if you’d like to come visit? Of course none of you know my dad, and he doesn’t know you, but- Well, Yoonji and I could do with some company.”

You jump up, rushing to Jimin’s side. As he naturally accommodates your presence and pulls you flush against him, you lift your face up to the phone. “We’ll be there,” you assure Yoongi, “just please get some rest tonight. It’s been a rough day.”

Yoongi’s pained smile breaks your heart, and Jimin leads the phone back to the bed so that Taehyung can say a final goodbye before the three of you hang up and crawl, exhausted but somewhat relieved, back into bed.