#“hey. we should go buy a wedding cake”

[dirtytransmasc]

the comments on this post are just so.... get a life?

like yeah, it was a lot of money for some random cake they didn't need, didn't even eat, but like... life is fucking life? they did what they wanted to with their money, they had fun, it happened to be one of the last good memories this guy had with his brother.

it was made special by the fact that all of it was just so odd and everyone's getting their panties in a bunch over something that has already happened god only knows how long ago.

[delopsia]

Icing | Bob x Reader x Rhett

Word Count: 5,300 Cross Posted on AO3 Warnings & Notes: 18+, AFAB!Reader, improper use of icing, food is mentioned several times, blow jobs, grinding, hand jobs, overstimulation, planning for a wedding 💐 it's porn with a very vague plot Brief Summary: This icing, in particular, is not going on the cake, but you don't mind so long as it's on Bob Floyd. 

"Are you sure this is how we're supposed to do it?" 

"What makes you ask that?" Bobby chirps, barely audible over the hum of the hand mixer. His eyes flick down to the cake pan held between your hands. "Seems perfectly fine to me." 

The beater bumps into the edge of the bowl. Icing splatters across the countertop. 

You think that might be the whisper of a swear, crossing the room. 

"I don't know, it just...feels weird," but you're pulling open the door to the oven, anyhow. A plume of heat washes across your face, like the blaze of a campfire, threatening to roast you alive.

But fortunately, the only thing being baked is this tiny pan of cake batter. Locked away to its doom of inhumane temperatures until it rises to perfection. 

"Honey, there are only so many ways you can bake a cake," Bob's entirely unaware of the blue icing staining his cheek as he reaches for a damp cloth. Now that you give it a squint, you reckon it might be up in his hair, too. 

"Well, last I checked," reaching out to swipe at his face with your thumb, raising it to your lips. Different color. Same taste as before. "Most folks don't have to bake their own wedding cake samples."

His head turns back to the thin list of instructions, scanning over where he left off, and—oh, well, he's got blue in his hair, too. 

"Hey, get a load of this," Rhett's voice echoes from the living room, socked feet thumping across the hardwood. "They're sellin' that ol' rodeo property in town." 

You're not entirely sure what woke him; if it was the clatter of skillets as you clumsily withdrew them from the oven, or if it was the bickering over why Bobby continues to use the appliance as a storage unit. It had to have been something you two did; fifteen minutes is astronomically short for a Rhett nap.

Maybe he never went to sleep to begin with because he's got a newspaper in hand. Today's date sits proudly in the corner, next to his thumb; he must have picked it up from the gas station on his drive home. 

"We should buy it," waggling the paper in his hand, like it'll somehow convince you and Bobby to scrounge up ninety-five grand for an arena that has been abandoned for the better half of two decades.

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Bob's mixer kicks back on, an obnoxious noise sounding through the kitchen. Surely, there have to be quieter models out there. "We'll put an offer in next week."

"Ha. Ha," Rhett's eyes roll, the newspaper falling onto the recently cleared counter, right where Bobby was saving space for the blue icing. "Funny." 

His mouth opens like he's got more to say, but nothing slips past those thin lips. Soft blue eyes flicker across the counter, scanning across your rainbow assortment of icings, the sample baggies of sprinkles and candles, and the portfolio of decorative figures. Not one of the premade couples comes with a third partner, but you're not entirely sure if you want to go that route to begin with.

Rhett's nose wrinkles; lost. You've got nothing more than a shrug to offer.

"All I'm sayin' is," picking back up on the hanging conversation, he reaches out to poke his finger into an open dish of sprinkles. The ones made to look like pearls. There were more, but half got lost when you accidentally ripped the package open. "You'll have a lotta time on your hands when ya leave the Navy."

The mixer shuts off. 

"Who said I was leaving the Navy?" 

Rhett's lifting a pearl to his mouth, obnoxious tongue poking out to catch it. "You, last night." 

"And the night before that." You add, with a nudge of your shoulder.

And the night before that one. Sometime five mornings ago. Again, last week. After the most recent deployment and the one before that. Before the engagement and way before the house was bought...actually, when has he not talked about this?

The pearl cracks so loud that you almost wonder if it chipped Rhett's tooth. His brows furrow, shifting the hunk of sugar around in his mouth. "The hell are you two doin'...?" 

"We're baking our wedding cake samples," and even with Bob saying it so matter of factly, it doesn't sound right. Nothing about this picture is correct.

Rhett's head tilts to the side. Even the dark hair cascading into his face can't hide those questioning eyes. 

"See?" Throwing your hand out as if Bobby hasn't noticed the puppy-dog of a man standing on the other side of the island. "Even he's confused by this."

Nobody bakes their own wedding cake samples. This is your sign to find a better bakery! Before the stakes grow even higher! 

Careful, Bob pulls the mixer from the bowl, turning around to drop the beaters into the sink. "He's always confused."

"Hey!" Rhett squawks. "Ya jus' gonna say that 'n turn your back to me?" 

Not a word leaves Bob's mouth, deliberately keeping his back to you and Rhett as if to drive home his unspoken point. He's doing his best to remain firm, but even so, you can see the way the corner of his lip rises with every passing second. Must be able to hear the way Rhett's rounding the corner, big hands reaching out to grab hold of bony hips. 

It's a little too easy for him to force Bob to turn. 

"What, can't say it to my face?" Any venom in Rhett's tone is lost in the midst of his chuckle. Amused. 

Still, Bobby remains quiet, defiantly folding his arms across his chest, like that will somehow stop the smile from bursting onto his pale face. It's a losing game. Rhett knows it. You know it. He knows it. The whole world knows it.

Rhett's tilting his head, leaning close. "Say." Kiss. "It." Kiss. Bob's hand reaches out toward the counter. "To."  Kiss. "My." Kiss. His finger dips into blue icing. "Face." Kiss. "Pal."  Kiss.

One blink, and you nearly miss it. The swift drag of Bobby's fingertip, smearing the artificially dyed sweetness onto Rhett's thin lips. Leaves just a big enough mess for him to lean in and press his mouth to Rhett's, that soft pink tongue darting out to lick it off. It ends as quickly as it started, with Bobby turning back to the counter, already beginning to pour another pack of sprinkles into an empty container.

Rhett's wide eyes meet with yours. Bewildered.

...huh.

"What do we think of lemon?" Bobby's speaking as if nothing ever happened. Acting it, too. 

You're not entirely sure what he means by that. "I'm sorry?" 

"Cake flavors," holding up a non-descript packet of mix. "There's lemon in here." 

Rhett's nose wrinkles, and you can't help but wonder if he's recalling the sourness of the lemon pie you two tried to put together for Bobby. Worst damn welcome home present you've ever made. 

"Is there a difference to the icin'?" Rhett asks, poking at one of the bowls. 

"They're all the same." Bob's head shakes, sprinkles audibly pouring out of the packet and into yet another bowl. Who's gonna wash all these dishes, anyhow? 

Rhett's eyes meet with yours. Brows furrowing, like this is the most absurd thing he's ever heard. If the initial confusion hadn't already worn off, you reckon you'd be feeling the same damn thing. Who does this, and why are you just letting it happen? Is your life so devoid of joy that this is what you've allowed yourself to resort to?

Or is Bob Floyd just very, very good at convincing you to blindly follow his lead?

Idle, Rhett's hand dips into some of the icing. Slow. Flying just below the radar of Bobby's peripheral. "So why'd ya make every color?" 

And your poor WSO hasn't the slightest damn clue, reaching for yet another container of sprinkles. "To see what—" 

Rhett's big hand presses into Bob's pale cheek, vibrant orange icing splattering against his skin. Dragging down, down, down his neck and onto the little bit of chest peeking out from the low collar of his shirt. 

You know what's going to happen before it even starts. Bobby's fingers dive into a pool of pale yellow. Smacking it into Rhett's broad chest, gets the base of his neck and all. And Rhett's reaching for the pink, dragging it across an unwitting forearm. Bob's going for green. Reaching for Rhett's scruffy jaw. Giggles bubble through the air. 

Blue splatters across the kitchen floor and across your shirt. 

Your white shirt. "Hey!"

"He started it!" Bob squeaks. But he's stumbling backward, bumping into you as he reaches for another bowl—ammunition for the next attack. 

All Rhett can do is grin. "Did I?" 

Insufferable. 

Your hand darts out from your side, venturing to the counter. 

Purple splatters across Bobby's clothed belly. The only spot you could reach. 

"Both of you?" Bobby's squawking. Twisting. Turning until he's got his back to the sink and not you or Rhett, his vibrantly colored hands held toward the ceiling. Surrender, or preparing his next move? You're not sure yet. 

God, he's a mess. Splatters of orange, pink, blue, and plain white, stretching from his nose to his belly; you think there might be a little bit of purple lurking beneath his chin. Rhett's not doing much better, green clinging to his jaw, chest decorated with a vibrant smear of yellow. 

"What else are we s'pposed t' do with all this icin'?" He asks, lifting his fingers to his lips, short pink tongue darting out to lap up the sweetness clinging to his skin. 

Bob's eyes roll. You wonder if he's noticed the drop of green on his lens. "Well, wearing it shouldn't even make the list!" But it's nothing compared to the icing on his neck, sickly sweet and spread thin over the thick vein that bulges from beneath his skin. 

"I can think of a few ideas," muttering, entranced. 

Out of his peripheral, Rhett meets your eye. The corner of his lip twitches up, fingers slipping out of his mouth with a wet 'pop' so loud that it echoes through the kitchen. 

"What..." Bob swallows. Adam's apple rising and falling. Soft blues flicker between you and Rhett; must be able to read the thoughts filtering through your head. "Would that entail, exactly?"

You don't know who steps forward first. But one way or another, your sticky hands are finding their way to Bobby's chest, bracing yourself as you lean in. Rhett's so close that his hair tickles your cheek; he had a longer distance to cross than you did, and yet he's already beating you to the point. Licking a fat, wet stripe up the side of Bob's neck. 

And you're in hot pursuit. Licking up the other side, trailing across that thick vein, multicolored icing greeting your taste buds. But that sugary sweetness is nearly dulled in comparison to the soft mewl that rolls out of Bobby's mouth, his head rolling backward. 

"Okay..." he breathes, "that's..."

The flavor of this icing is far from your favorite; it isn't even close to the one you had in mind when contacting the bakery, but you can hardly pay it any attention. Nothing but a mild annoyance when you've got this to preoccupy your mind with. Bob's hand, working its way up your side. Rhett's soft hum, downright delighted with this predicament. 

Careful, your lips press to a soft patch of skin beneath his ear, sucking lightly. Not enough to bruise his terribly sensitive skin, but still managing to leave behind a faint redness in your wake. One tiny little mark after another, spots blending amongst the vivid orange that you've yet to lick up.

This icing, in particular, is not going on the cake, but you don't mind so long as it's on Bob Floyd. Him and his sticky, heaving chest, squirming as you work lower, lower, lower. Teeth grazing across his collar, tugging on the flesh stretched thin over the bone there. 

Rhett's shoulder knocks into your side, a little too broad to be squeezing himself in next to you. His hands venture to the hem of Bob's horribly stained t-shirt, yanking upward.

"The cake," Bob's panted protest is hardly one at all, "you can't...it'll burn." And yet he's obediently lifting his arms, letting Rhett pull the shirt over his head. Maybe letting it fall to the floor isn't the best idea, but you're in no position to raise even the slightest objection.

"We have time," you murmur. Lie. You don't even know if you set the timer. 

Frankly, you don't care. It's just too damn easy to forget about. Letting your mouth find its way down Bob's pale chest, a thin trail of saliva marking your path as if you could possibly become lost in this familiar terrain. 

But even though you've had a head start, Rhett still manages to beat you to the checkpoint, his lips wrapping around a delicate nipple. So sudden that Bob jerks beneath you, his feet stumbling. Two can play this game, though, and Rhett can only pay attention to one thing at a time. 

Without the slightest warning, you sink down. Knees thunking heavily against the cold kitchen tile. They'll ache when you ultimately climb back to your feet, but that's for the future version of you to worry about. Right now, your bold hand is soothing over the heavy bulge in these sweats, feeling how Bobby twitches from the simplest touch. 

"Can't believe you're already hard, Robby," teasing, your thumb swipes right beneath his tip. The wet spot forming in the thin gray material is like a reward.

"You're..." his head rolls, fingers tugging at Rhett's hair, "surprised?" 

Not in the slightest. 

It's Rhett who reaches for the thick elastic of Bob's waistband. Watching through thick lashes as you help pull it downso swiftly that his cock brushes your cheek as it springs up to smack against his belly. Flushed a bright ruby, a small bead of precum running down the underside of him.

"Shit," Rhett swears; it's so quiet that you can hear the way his knees creak as he settles down next to you. 

And now both of you are down here, caught up in some kind of perfect synchrony, leaning forward to run your tongues up the sides of Bob's cock. Relishing in that shuddered gasp as you and Rhett meet at his head, lips brushing in what was meant to be a sloppy kiss, but it's more of a clash of tongues than anything. Broken apart by Bob's soft cock head, caught perfectly in the middle.

"You...." Bob's hand bumps into your cheek, thumb stroking the skin there, "fuck, you two are..." 

Rhett's chuckle is all it takes to have Bob's sharp hips bucking forward, pushing himself right past your parted lips. Wasn't exactly next up on your itinerary, but you're rolling with it as if it was. Sucking gently, tongue swiping back and forth beneath it. Teasing while you still can. 

Not a single beat is missed. With the delicate hollow of your cheeks and the lazy way Rhett mouths at the side of him, it's almost hard to believe that this wasn't choreographed earlier in the day. As if anyone could have predicted that Bob was serious about this whole 'baking cake samples' thing.

"Y' likin' that, Bobby?" Rhett hums, pausing to graze his teeth against delicate skin. "Watchin' both of us on our knees for ya?" 

You're leaning back, and Rhett's moving in to take over for you. Doesn't need to use his hands, as he sucks that leaking tip into his mouth.

Bob sucks in a breath. His other hand dives into Rhett's hair, tangling in the mess of it. "How could I—mhm, not?" 

All of a sudden, Rhett's sliding further down, eyes scrunching shut as Bob knocks into the back of his throat, but that's never been enough to deter him. It's a wonder he's got a gag reflex at all. You can't help but twist yourself around, a hand coming to rest on his lower back, bracing yourself as you find your way to the underside of his jaw. Air audibly puffs through his nose. Always has been sensitive here. 

Sweet, too, with all of this icing to be licked up. There simply isn't another person cut out for this sort of job. The artificial flavor is far from your favorite, but you can't be inclined to share. Not when he tries to lean into it, a muffled grunt rumbling out of him. 

Above you, Bob can't close his mouth. "That's...oh, that's—"

A shrill beep tears through the air. Once. Twice. Thrice. 

So you did set the timer. Lucky him.

And Rhett laughs. Barely able to pull away before he chokes, swollen lips glistening as they meld with the shape of his smile. "Guess ya gotta check that, flyboy."

This is the first and likely the last time you'll see Bob Floyd check an oven with his sweats pooling around his thighs, heavy cock bouncing as he leans down to see what he's doing. Is the cake done? Or burnt? You haven't the slightest clue because Rhett's kissing at the side of your neck, and any self-control you had left dissolves in an instant.

"Shame y' didn't get more of this on ya," he's speaking into your skin, vibrating right up into your head and rattling all your thoughts off their metaphorical shelves. 

The stain on your brand-new shirt is speaking otherwise. "This stuff doesn't even taste that great."

"'s good when it's on one of you," he does, unfortunately, make a really good point. The kind that lets him get away with pushing your pants down your legs,  underwear and all, right here in the damn kitchen. So much for trying to break the habit of kitchen shenanigans. 

You wonder if this memory will wander back into your mind the next time you invite guests over and eat in this kitchen. 

Rhett's hands settle on the sides of your waist, pulling you into him as he leans backward. Knocking the back of his head against the tile can't feel good, but he doesn't react in the slightest. Too busy pulling you on top of him, your legs straddling his wide hips. They hitch upward, so strong that they push you along with it, as he shoves his shorts down his legs, cock audibly smacking against his belly, swiping against your thigh as it drifts past.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Your hands brace against his chest, chasing the illusion of stability.

"Mhm," is the best he's got to offer, and he's hardly got to guide you any further. You're already beating him to the punch, grinding down against his length, letting him slip between your parted lips. 

Fuck, it's been a while since you last felt his weeping cock head drag against your clit. You wonder if he can feel the way you involuntarily clench around nothing, sent into a mindless spasm from that alone.

Bobby's knees audibly knock against the floor, and you're not entirely sure where his sweats went. "You two move too damn fast."

"Maybe you're just slow," there's nothing but playfulness in your tone, albeit the slightest bit breathless. You can't help it. Not when you've got this going on between your legs. Rhett and his big cock rolling up into you, chasing the feeling of your pussy against him. Beads of precum slicken the glide, every motion punctuated by a sickly wet little noise.

"'n ya say I'm the one always givin' ya trouble," Rhett's not doing much to help his own case, but then again, you don't think that was his goal. 

It's an awkward angle, with Bob sitting on his knees and Rhett laying against the floor, but he's craning his head up, tongue greeting the underside of Bob's cock. A fleeting sort of thing that only lasts a moment or three.

"You're gonna upset your shoulder if you keep doing that," Bobby hums, not making any move to stop Rhett from trying at it again, lips stubbornly wrapping around his mushroom tip. 

There's a spin in your head that wasn't there before. Lightheaded over the sight before you and the sweet throb of your cunt, sliding against Rhett's shaft like you're aiming to win a first-place trophy. Hands flat against his heaving chest, trembling arms hardly keeping your body upright as your hips roll. 

"Can feel ya gettin' wetter round me," Rhett's eyelashes are fluttering, and it's all he can do to keep himself from knocking his skull against the tile again. "Fuck." 

"As if you're not dripping like a damn faucet," your words hitching on a gasp, the embers of a whine building in the back of your throat. Getting off to this wasn't on your list of plans, but with every soft massage of his plush tip, you're growing closer to writing it at the very top. 

Rhett's back arches off the ground, legs kicking beneath you, like he can feel the heat that's flooding your lower belly. Makes it so damn hard for you to keep moving your body back and forth, hopelessly grinding back and forth, obsessed with the way he kisses your clit on every pass. 

"God, you two should see yourselves," Bobby says it like he's caught up in a trance; you don't think you've seen him blink since he knelt down here.

"Enjoying the show?" Speaking through a gasp. Fuck, fuck, fuck, your eyes are rolling backward, and Rhett's twitching against you, and it's so, so much. 

His hands settle on your aching thighs. Blunt nails digging into the meat of them. Does nothing to ward off the shiver that's settled into the muscle there. But his hips are rising up off the floor, and he's rutting himself into you properly now, rubbing against your poor clit over and over and over. 

"Rhett—" whimpering high in your throat. Head tilting back. You're...he's...

"C'mon," in that raspy tone of his, wavering with the motion of his body, "cum on my cock."

Bob's cool hand glides up the side of your neck, and that is it. 

A choked noise echoes through the kitchen and into the living room. Spasming, cumming to the drag of him against your clit alone.  Clenching helplessly around nothing but air, a ripple running up your spine. Your arms crumple out from under you. Stars sparkle behind your eyelids like the night sky. Falling into a messy heap on Rhett's chest, helpless as his cock keeps rubbing against your dripping cunt. 

"Ah—Rhett!" Jolting. Oversensitive. And it's all you can do to slide off of him, letting gravity drag you down to his side instead, a leg lazily sprawled overtop his thigh. You don't know if he's laughing or if you're hearing the hammer of your heart beating away in your ears. 

"Awful quick," Bob's eyes flick to you, hardly able to conceal the playful glint in them.  

You ought to give him trouble for such a comment, but your head is still spinning like it's about to float up into the clouds. The best you can do is to swipe out with your hand, smacking against his belly. "Like you're any better." 

Rhett's chest rumbles with a chuckle. You're not entirely sure when he got his arm around you, but it's carefully squeezing you into him. Keeping you snug against his chest as Bobby moves to settle between his legs. 

And this...this is a hell of an angle to be observing from. You don't have to move your eyes or tilt your head at all, comfortably gazing at the sight of Rhett's plush thighs caging Bob's waist. On its own, your hand darts out, grabbing a handful of one. There's so much more to squeeze compared to when you first met; he's exchanged that wiry frame for something thicker, stronger, too. 

Bob's reaching for his own cock, still wet with saliva, as he leans forward, fingers darting out to wrap around Rhett, too. 

One stroke and Rhett's hips lift off the floor. "Shit." 

He's so damn wet, with what mess you've made of him and the precum spilling out of his inflamed tip like a dripping faucet. Bob's thumb swipes out, collecting the clear fluid and spreading it onto himself, but before he's done there's already another bead of it forming. 

"Good lord, Rhett," Bob mutters, and you're not entirely sure where he got that packet of lube from, tearing it open with his teeth, already beginning to pour the sticky substance onto their cocks.

So much for trying to break Rhett of that habit.

If he'd give Rhett a few minutes, you think he'd spill out enough to warrant forgoing lube altogether, but Bobby can only stretch his patience so far. Never has been able to hold out for very long when it comes to you and Rhett. That big hand of his gives an experimental stroke, a wet squelch sounding through the delicate air; you don't know who groans louder.

What you do know is that the sight before you is downright obscene. Rhett's legs squeezing around Bobby like he'll disappear if he doesn't, their heavy cocks twitching into one another. How Rhett's tip has a darker shade of red as compared to Bob's pale pink. They look so similar until they're right next to each other like this; it's the only way to tell that Bob's a fraction longer but not quite as thick as Rhett is. 

Bob jerks forward, pressing impossibly closer. "Does that feel good?" As if he's not speaking around his own strangled breath. 

You have to lift your head to get a better look at Rhett's face. Eyes scrunched shut, teeth worrying his thin bottom lip, cheeks flushed with a newfound redness. "Uhuh." His head shakes with what you think is a nod.

Maybe that's an answer Bob was looking for, but you want to hear more. "Use your words, cowboy." 

"It feels—" Swallowing hard. A microscopic mewl breaks past his lips. "Feels good!"

He's already dissolving into a mess of squirms, wriggling back and forth, the swift stroke of Bob's hand too much for him to handle. Bucking upward, only to try and draw away, unshaven jaw shivering like a leaf in the wind. 

Your fingers drift upward, nails dragging across the soft meet of his inner thigh, knuckles brushing against his balls as you drift past. Lightly rolling them in your palm would draw the prettiest sounds out of him, but today, you've got a slightly different plan in mind. Fingertips wander into the soft expanse of skin behind them, rubbing in loose circles. 

A pitchy cry rings in your ears. Rhett's hand flies up. Tugging at his own hair. Desperate to grab hold of something. "Fuck! 'm gonna..." His head thrashes, pretty neck barred to the world. "I'm, I'm—"

"You fixin' to cum for us, sweet thing?" Bobby's voice sounds akin to thunder, a little twang in his tone. His thumb darts out, rapidly swiping back and forth across Rhett's plush cock head.

Curls bounce with Rhett's nod. Hardly able to close his mouth and stifle his moan. Yet, it's so loud that you can hear it anyway. Your fingers keep spiraling, pressing the slightest bit harder. You're almost certain that you can feel the sporadic twitch of muscle as his back arches, cumming with a wail. 

A rope of white paints across his belly. The next one caught by Bobby's still moving hand. Disappearing into the squelching mix of lube and precum and your own juices, some kind of lewd recipe for disaster. Rhett's hips jerk. Yanks a grunt out of him. 

But Bobby's not stopping. Still pumping their cocks together as if nothing ever happened. If anything, you think he's going faster, and it's got Rhett jumping around like a wounded animal. Mouth wide open. Brows knit together. 

"Too much, too much, that's not—ah!"  He squeals. Panting hard. Frantically pawing at Bob's hand, but it's doing nothing to end his torment. 

"Hang on for me," Bob's eyes scrunch shut. Hissing through his teeth. Close. "You can do it."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, you can't, that—haah!" Rhett's twitching. Wailing. Legs kicking in the air.Still smacking at Bob's rapidly jerking fist as if that can possibly save him, but he's not uttering a single note of his safe word. Merely dissolving into a frenzied babble of, "Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!"

That's all it takes for Bob's pale blue eyes to roll into the back of his head with a soft, deepened groan. Set off by the babbled cry of a helpless cowboy, trembling like a leaf beneath him. Rope after rope of cum, splattering against Rhett's lower belly and all over his softening cock. A visible shiver rakes its way up Bob's spine, and for a moment you think his glasses are about to fall off.

 Finally, finally, the motion of that big hand is beginning to slow, loosening until Rhett's length slips from his grip entirely, smacking against his skin. Between the wateriness of Rhett's eyes and the redness in Bob's cheeks, you're not entirely sure where to look. Each are tempting in their own right, but not enough time to focus on both. 

You suppose your distraction is why it takes a moment to realize that Bob's actually moving. Leaning down at a snail's pace, his lips pressing to your forehead, lingering for a moment or three before moving on to Rhett's, pressing a kiss to him, too. "Maybe we should call a different bakery," he murmurs, half-lidded gaze flickering to you. 

If this is all it took, then next time, you'll skip the arguing and jump right into kissing down his neck. "You think?" There's a hoarseness to your voice that wasn't there before; you blame the icing. 

Whether or not he caught the sarcasm in your tone, you have no idea. 

"Yeah..." Bobby pauses as Rhett leans in to steal a proper kiss on the lips. "Now we've gotta do something with all these ingredients."

Rhett hums. Sounds akin to a cat purring. "I have a few ideas." You wonder if those ideas include smearing each other with icing again or offhandedly snacking on sprinkles for the next several months.

"I'll hear you out on those ideas," yawning, a strangled little noise escaping you, "when we're in bed."

A valid request, but Bobby's wrinkling his nose at it. "How about a bath, then bed."

"Y' act like we were just rollin' in mud," Rhett's fingers tap at your shoulder, gently squeezing. 

"I love you two, but I draw the line at sticky sheets." Well, if Bob wants you to take a bath so damn bad, then he's gonna have to help you find the strength to get off this floor. Your hand reaches out, opening and closing in a grabbing motion. 

It takes a couple seconds of looking at it for him to realize what you're asking, but after a moment, he slips his hand into yours, holding it as he rises to his feet. Something in your knee audibly pops as he pulls you up, an ache blooming in the bone from digging into the floor earlier. Your feet stumble, knocking into Rhett and nearly taking him back down with you.

"You're a mess, sweetheart," Bob laughs, pulling on your hand as if you're still due to fall at any moment. You're not entirely sure when you acquired the purple icing on your thigh or the smear of green running down your leg; you refuse to acknowledge the array of colors on the floor until after you've had a nap. 

"So are you," not an ounce of venom in your tone, despite the attempt at mustering some kind of sarcastic bite. Behind you, Rhett hums his agreement. Someone started this, and it certainly was not you or Rhett. 

"No, I'm not," Bob's beaming, almost proud of himself. "You two licked me clean, remember?" 

It'll take the rest of the day for him to notice the icing on his glasses. 

[somnianyx]

GN!Reader || Content: angst, fluffy moments, character death, comfort/hurt

There's a mention of girl but other than that's it's completely gender neutral. It's just cuz I don't know what to use to replace it so feel free to use other terms you like.

It's a lengthy oneshot and honestly it kinda sucks. more dialogue than actions too.

"Waa it's snowing really heavily today!" You exclaimed, observing the falling snowflakes like someone who had never seen snow before.

"What's so impressive about the snow that your jaw looks like it'll fall off any second?" Sae sips his coffee, not looking up at you from his laptop.

You turned to him, eyebrow slightly furrowed. "You just don't get it. It means christmas is around the corner! Although it does get a little too cold sometimes..." Shivers ran up your spine as soon as the words left your lips.

Sae abruptly stood up, holding his hand out for you. Albeit a bit confused, you let your lover drag you towards the couch, sitting you down before disappearing to your shared bedroom.

"What are you doing?" Sae didn't respond, he came out with the blanket you had folded just this morning. "Hey! I just folded that-"

"You said it's cold right? Let's cuddle on the couch." Instead of him, you're the one who got all embarrassed. His straightforwardness is one of the things you love about him but you swear its going to kill you one day.

Concerned by your slightly red face, he dropped the blanket he was holding beside you and puts his hand on your forehead. "Did you already get a fever? Your face is quite red. Maybe I should turn up the heater."

"No! I'm fine! Just... embarrassed." You tried to avoid his confused gaze, feeling his eyes linger on your face trying to decipher the reason.

"Why are you embarrassed? Nothing is embarrassing about being cold."

His question just made you even more flustered, "You shouldn't be so nice to me! What if I fell harder for you, stupid Sae."

"It's only natural that I'll be nice since we're a couple. Isn't that something to be happy for?"

"Yeah, but sometimes you'll have to go abroad for nationals. I won't be able to see you for months and I'll miss you too much that I won't wanna let you go."

"You're not making any sense since I take you with me on every single trip." He sighed and slightly shook his head from your antics, "I'm not going to any nationals soon remember? I took the year off so we can prepare for our wedding."

Hearing that puts a little smile on your face that didn't go unnoticed. Your fiancé tilts his head, giving you a short kiss before making his way to the kitchen.

"Ah! Sae, come back! It's too cold."

"I'm making you something warm to drink. Be a good girl and wait for me."

December 24th, 20xx

"Did you get everything we needed for tonight's dinner?" Sae's voice came from your phone.

"Mhm! Did you got the cake that I said I wanted that day?"

"It's right here beside me. I don't see why you specifically want this cake."

"Cause I heard it was so good that you had to wait a whole day in line just to even get a slice! I wanted to try it once in my life y'know?"

"..."

"Sae?"

"People had to wait in line a whole day for this? The owner just gave me the whole cake when I asked for it. Said its for my lovely fiancé to enjoy."

"What!?"

"What?"

"Wow... this must be one of the benefits to have a famous soccer player as your lover."

"We've been together for 3 years. How do you just realize that?"

"I'm just kidding. What were you doing the whole day outside then if not for the cake?"

"I went to buy some more gifts that I thought you would like. You were practically making googly eyes on that watch we saw at the mall the other day."

"Ack! I thought I was being sneaky.."

"You're bad at being sneaky. You know damn well I only had my eyes on you the entire time."

You giggled at his remark, "Yes yes~ I'm gonna start preparing dinner now. Drive home safe Sae ♡︎"

"Can't you wait till I get home so we can make it together?"

"Nope! See you soon. I love you."

"I love you more, (Y/N)"

You walked back into your shared apartment, holding Sae's favorite takeout when the both of you were too lazy to cook. Setting it aside on the kitchen counter, you proceeded with your normal afterwork routine.

You put on his clothes, his scent surprisingly still lingering although noticeably lesser the more you wear it. Rolling into your bed, you wrapped yourself with the blanket you guys share every night. It smells just like him, in a way it feels strangely comforting yet it makes your heart ache.

Missing his voice, you unlocked your phone and set it beside your ear so you can hear him perfectly.

"Hello?"

"Sae..."

"(Y/N), I'm gonna be little late. The road is slippery and there's traffic so I'll have to be extra careful. Will you be okay?"

"No, I won't be."

"Let me know if you're missing any other ingredients. I'll pick it up on the way home. I'm sorry I couldn't get home faster to cook dinner with you."

"You idiot. You don't have to apologize. I told you I'll take care of it."

"(Y/N), I'm bad at expressing my feelings but somehow it feels right to say this now. I hope we can spend Christmas together for the rest of our lives. New years, valentine's day, white day. I promise we'll spend it all together."

"You're such a meanie Sae."

"The traffic is starting to move. I'll tell you more when I get home. Please call me when you hear this. I love you, (Y/N)."

"So mean..."

Before you even notice, tears were already streaming down your face. Slightly dampening the blanket you're holding close to your body.

Voicemail sent at December 24th 20xx, 8:43pm

"You didn't even fulfill your promise of spending this year's Christmas with me. Now I have to spend new years alone too? How cruel of a man you are Itoshi.."

You place your hand on the permanent divot from where his body once occupied the space next to yours. Remembering how you fell asleep to his heartbeat as he held you close, his free hand playing with your hair and the way he places a small kiss on your forehead when he's sure you're slumbering.

"Sae... It's cold. Please come back.."

[year2000electronics]

Ok it s time for himbo spruce and brandy. These may a bit spicy, incorrect quotes

S]: I think we should kiss.

[B: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.

————

S]: I think I'm falling for you.

[B: Then get up.

———

S: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.

[B: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

———-

B: Are you ready to commit?

[S: Like, a crime or a relationship?

———-

B: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

[S: I wrote you a poem.

[B: already crying: You did?

———

B: Well, [S and I finally did it!

The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*

[B: That's right... We kissed!

———-

[S: Wow, B: you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

[S: We literally slept together yesterday.

[S: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

—————

S: Hey, [B : what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

[B: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

[S: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

[B: Can't really say I have.

[S: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

[B: Sorry, [B: For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

————

S: sweating: [B], there’s something I need to ask you-

[B: Finally! You’re proposing!

[S: How’d you know?

[B: [S) you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

[B]: I even picked it up once

—————-

B: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

[S: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

[B: ...

[B: You mean ring bearER, right?

[S: ...

[B: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding

There were a lot more but I decided these were the best ones.

HEHEHE these made me giggle, cant wait to write their dynamic in the fic :]

[ladylooch]

There is so much of T & Em's relationship to explore, so many moments with baby Lee, I don't want to pass it on to them with even more children (🤭🫣), but Timo, a girl's dad fixing the baby's hair and buying little pink clothes put me in combustion

We bounce around plenty, so we will definitely be back to the three of them. But let's go visit life with Liv for a bit.

"Babe?" Emma comes rushing into the closet where I am buttoning my pants together. She looks so gorgeous, I physically can't move for a minute. Her teal dress accents all the curves I like to run my hands over. Her hair is back to blonde with this honey dew glow that begs for my fingers through it. The guests at this wedding are going to have a hard time not looking at her. Fuck, I'm going to have a hard time not looking at her.

"Holy shit, Em. You are... stunning." She blushes, laughing and closing her eyes for a moment.

"That made me feel good."

"It should. Wow." I reach for her fingers, stroking the back of her hand with my thumb. I tug and she falls into my chest. I tighten my arms around her until she can't move. She whines.

"No, no, no. We don't have time and I need your help."

"Okay?"

"Lee is having a meltdown and is demanding cuddles on the couch. Can you please finish dressing Liv and fixing her hair." I widen my eyes and release my wife.

"I'm a little out of my element with that. Can I take Lee?"

"No. He insisted on me." I scrunch my nose.

"Why doesn't he want me?"

"Sometimes, you just need your mom." She leans up to kiss my lips, rushing away entirely too soon. "Liv is on our bed for you." 

"Ooooookay." I trail off, stuffing my arms into my button up. I work on my buttons as I walk into the room. Our daughter is in the center of the bed in only a diaper, staring at the TV. It's some toddler TV show I always get wrong. "Hi beautiful." I murmur, reaching for her. 

"Dadadadada." She immediately babbles. 

"Yeah? Then what happened?" I ask her, tickling her little belly. I reach down, blowing a raspberry into her plumped skin. She giggles, reaching for my head and patting at it. "Patty cake huh? Maybe we can do that while we get dressed, yeah? But where did mommy put your dress?" I wonder, scanning the room. I find it on Emma's velvet chaise by the window. "Oh, Liv you're gonna look so pretty in this. And you're gonna match your hot mama." 

I put Liv into a sitting position on the bed again, chuckling as she keeps trying to make a break for it by crawling away.

"Hey!" I pretend to yell, grabbing her ankle and pulling her gently back to me. She shrieks in excitement, giggles shaking her little body. I finally pull the tulle and silk over her head. She immediately begins to ball the skirt up in her little hands, shaking her head.

“No.”

“Yeah, baby.” 

“No.” She starts to wail, getting frustrated.

I power through, ignoring the part of me that wants to appease her. She will be fine and is working through some frustration with textures right now. The doctor says it’s normal. Lio never went through anything like this, but that’s been the story with our second child. Her and her brother are nothing alike.

“Baby!” I exclaim when she’s all zipped together. “You are the most beautiful baby girl in the entire world.” I smooch at her cheeks as I gather her back into my arms. “Lee and I are lucky to be walking in with our gorgeous girls.” I scan her light brown hair, noting the way it holds static electricity and shoots out in the back. “Mama said do your hair… and I have no clue. So this seems like a headband thing… except if I put a headband on you, you are going to scream.” I bite my lip beginning to wander into Liv’s room next to ours to see what my options are. 

Liv grips at my jaw as we walk. She leans forward, beginning to mouth at my cheek.

“Mmm thank you.” She just learned to give kisses from Lio, so she likes to lick at people’s faces now, thinking they’re kisses. “Little less tongue tho, baby. We don’t want the boys getting the wrong idea.” 

“No.” She says with excitement. I snort on my laughter.

I scan the various hair accessories Emma has in the top drawer of Liv’s dresser. It is all headbands and hair clips. Liv’s hair isn’t long enough for anything else except maybe a rat tail at the base of her skull. Emma Meier would kill me if I brought her downstairs like that.

“Since I value my life, hair clip it is.” I reach for one with a daisy on it, then set Liv on top of the dresser, to put it in place. I swoop her hair back on the right side, then put the clip in. It looks good enough to me. “Okay, now daddy has to finish getting ready.”

I hold Liv on my hip while I do the finishing touches on my wedding look. When I’m done, I grab my suit jacket and head downstairs to join Em and Lio. Our son’s teary face is munched into Emma’s cleavage watching TV. She strokes her fingers through his hair, lip pressing there every so often.

“How we doing?” I ask, running a hand over Lio’s back. “We feeling brave, buddy?” 

“Yeah.” He responds, pushing up from Emma. “Mama said Lucie is coming.”

“She is.” I confirm. The wedding is for a fellow teammate and Nico is a groomsman. “But you’re going to have to be good during the ceremony, okay?” 

“Yeah, mama told me.” Emma stands, wiggling her skirt back into place. I offer her my arm, wrapping a hand around her waist as she slips back into her black pumps. She smiles, then frowns when she sees Liv.

“Okay. Hair is not your thing.”

“What? What is wrong with it?” 

“Babe, just because the hair clip is attached to her hair doesn’t mean it looks good.” She reaches for our daughter. “Mommy will fix it.” She coos.

I’m too busy looking at the sway of her ass to even be mad.

“You tell mama she looked pretty?” I ask Lio, running a hand over his hair.

“Yeah. Then she left stuff on my cheek.” He points to where her pink lipstick is smudged into his cheek. Lucky kid.

“Trust me, one day, you’ll love it.” 

[possibly-in-wonderland]

Boromir and his chaotic hobbit wife

(and some incorrect quotes ft her in general, maybe one day she'll have a name...but for now we refer to her as hobbitess)

~~~~

Boromir: *wakes up to find flowers woven in his hair*

~~~~

Boromir: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Hobbitess: What's that? Boromir: Remorse code. Hobbitess: I'm even angrier now.

~~~~

Boromir: Fight me! Hobbitess, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

~~~~

Boromir: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Hobbitess, they’re perfect. Hobbitess: Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a warg.

~~~~

Boromir: You have Crayons? Hobbitess: Yes, I have— Boromir: You're— how old are you? Hobbitess: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE SINK BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

~~~~

Hobbitess: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall? Boromir: His cats' names are Walter and Rose. Hobbitess: That's not what I asked. Boromir: That is all the information I have.

~~~~

Boromir: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. Hobbitess: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. Boromir: ... Boromir: You mean ring bearER, right? Hobbitess: ... Boromir: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

~~~~

Hobbitess: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers! Boromir: Please, just say fuck.

~~~~

Hobbitess: You know what? Let’s give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen? Boromir: Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, nudity and death.

~~~~

Hobbitess: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it. Boromir: Hobbitess no. Gimli: Mistlefoe. Boromir: Please stop encouraging her.

~~~~

Aragorn: We need a distraction. Boromir: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises? Hobbitess, whispering: My time has come

~~~~

Hobbitess, Pippin, and Merry are sitting on a bench Gandalf: Why do you guys look so sad? Hobbitess: Sit down with us so we can tell you. *Gandalf sits down* Pippin: The bench is freshly painted.

~~~~

Gandalf: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions? Pippin: Put spaghetti in it. Gandalf: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you. Merry: Put spaghetti in it. Gandalf: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two. Hobbitess: Put spaghetti in it. Gandalf: I'm no longer taking suggestions.

~~~~

Hobbitess: *Screams* Pippin: *Screams louder to establish dominance* Aragorn: Should we do something? Merry: No, I want to see who wins.

~~~~

Hobbitess: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container. Pippin: The cow??? Hobbitess: What? Merry: Pippin, W H Y?

~~~~

Hobbitess: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold? Pippin: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house. Merry: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million. Pippin: Good thinking.

~~~~

Hobbitess: So uhhh... my question is: my friend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing handfuls of fettuccine... uncooked... Sam: I would hope they're not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine! Frodo: In your pantry! Hobbitess: Yeah... and eating them raw, and they keep calling them 'chips'. ... How do I make them stop? Sam: Is your friend here? Hobbitess, motioning to Pippin: Yeah. Sam, to Pippin: You're a monster! Words MEAN things! >:( Merry: Does anybody remember- I haven't been to Olive Garden in many moons- but they DO have a like- fettuccine bottle that you can just- grab em out of and chew- Merry: HOLD ON. WAS THIS A PRANK YOU GUYS PULLED ON ME WHEN WE WENT TO OLIVE GARDEN AS KIDS?! Merry: NO, STOP. EVERYBODY SHUT UP. DO THEY GIVE YOU RAW FETTUCCINE TO CHEW ON IN THE LOBBY OF THE OLIVE GARDEN Everyone else: No. Merry, to Sam and Frodo: YOU FUCKIN BASTARDS Sam: YAAAAAAAAY! Frodo: THE PRESTIGE!

~~~~ Hobbitess: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? Gandalf: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Hobbitess: Four of us saw it, Gandalf. How do you explain that? Gandalf: *points at Merry & Pippin* Sleep deprivation. *points at Sam* Paranoia. *points at Frodo* Delusional personality disorder.

~~~~

*The squad right before Hobbitess' & Boromir's wedding* Pippin: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend. Merry: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too! Sam: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well Frodo: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND Aragorn, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

~~~~

Frodo, walking into his house: Hello, people who do not live here. Pippin: Hey. Merry: Hi. Sam: Hello. Hobbitess: Hey! Frodo: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only! Hobbitess: We were out of seed cakes.

~~~~

Frodo: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. Pippin: What if it bites me and it dies!? Merry: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Pippin, learn to listen. Sam: What if it bites itself and I die? Hobbitess: That’s voodoo. Boromir: What if it bites me and someone else dies? Sam: That’s correlation, not causation. Pippin: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? Hobbitess: That’s kinky. Frodo: Oh my God.

~~~~

Hobbitess: Time for plan G. Pippin: Don’t you mean plan B? Hobbitess: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Merry: What about plan D? Hobbitess: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Sam: What about plan E? Hobbitess: I’m hoping not to use it. Pippin dies in plan E. Gandalf: I like plan E.

~~~~

Boromir: HELP! I TOLD HOBBITESS I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK! Aragorn, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

~~~~

Hobbitess: Boromir and I don’t use pet names. Aragorn: I see. Hey, what do bees make? Hobbitess: Honey? Boromir: Yes, dear? Hobbitess: Aragorn: Don't ever lie to my face again.

~~~~

Hobbitess: What time is it? Pippin: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out Pippin: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune* Gandalf: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING Pippin: It’s 2 am

~~~~

Boromir: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on. Hobbitess: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Pippin isn’t

~~~~

Hobbitess: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life Merry: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Hobbitess: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Pippin: edible

~~~~

Hobbitess: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them. Boromir: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

~~~~

Hobbitess, pointing: May I sit there? Boromir: That's my lap Hobbitess: That doesn't answer my question, Boromir.

~~~~

Boromir: Three words. Say them and I'm yours. Hobbitess: Three words. Boromir:

~~~~

Boromir: Welcome, fellow idiots Hobbitess: Hello, Boromir Boromir: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot Hobbitess: You underestimate me

[depressedstressedlemonzest]

Hey Lem ✨ Time for Gallavich wedding headcanons: 1. Besides edible boxers from Carl and the honeymoon Car from Liam, what wedding gifts do they get? 2. What flavor was their wedding cake? 3. How the fuck do they have 120 guests at the wedding? Who are they inviting? (only to claim they have no friends a season later?) 4. Why did Ian say Mickey and not Mikhailo? 5. What's one thing in the wedding that way important to Ian? (Chiavari chairs level important)

@gallavich-headcanon I'm Finally getting around to these.

Fiona sent them some money, she didn't have enough to send plane tickets to visit her in Florida, but she promised that by the time they were off parole they'd be able to come down and they'd all go to Disney. Mickey is excited to get Ian to a beach finally after him missing out in Mexico. Lip got them a huge ass box of pizza rolls from Costco, a case of beer (that Tami went to buy and wrap so Lip wouldn't have to look at it) and a movie pack of action movies from the 80s. Mickey won't admit that he likes the movies but he does. Debbie gets them

this shirt, as well as a book on the five love languages and a 5000 piece puzzle to help their relationship stay strong. She read it somewhere online that couples who do puzzles together stay together. Franny picked out some coffee cups for them at the store, because they like coffee and the birds on it were pretty. but it's one of those mugs

a d she fills one with mini snickers for uncle mickey and one with mini hershey bars for uncle Ian. Frank had snagged a fancy bottle of whiskey from the house in glencoe before he left and gave them that. Mandy sent them some money and a couple bus tickets to see her in Wisconsin, she moved there with a nice guy she met through the escort agency and now she doesn't have to work. Sandy got them a giftcard to the sex shop and a costco size bottle of lube Iggy+Colin dropped off matching handguns and a nice bottle of wine.

2. Wedding cake flavor was Velvet Valley with cream cheese buttercream frosting. AKA red velvet without the red dye, except for the top tier which was chocolate. They saved two slices of it to freeze, but ate the rest of the chocolate part.

3. God I wondered that too. I think a majority of them are Ian's gay jesus "friends" and Trevor's LGBTQ youth kids that Ian had helped a bit, they heard about the wedding through the pastor because she's the local gay wedding pastor and she talks about each couple she marries at church whether or not they attend and they figure out it was Ian and they kind of invite themselves after seeing Ian and being like "Oh it's so great you're getting married, we would love to meet your new husband!" and Ian's like "Oh yeah you should" and they're like "Great when's the wedding?" and Ian's like "oh... it's this day." And they're like "Awesome we'll be there. By the time Ian realizes that they intend to come he'll feel like a dick for uninviting them. Mickey invites some family that he thinks won't try to murder him, as well as people that he "works for" like the laundromat guy who he kind of bullies into going so they get some good gifts.

4. Ian always called him Mick or Mickey, Mikhailo probably sounded weird on his tongue. Mickey used Mikhailo because he was giving all of himself to Ian.

5. THE MUSIC Ian was Chiavari chair level for the MUSIC, he's the one who picked Ella Fitzgerald and Ed Sheeran to sing about how much he loves his fucking husband, All the sappiest most romantic music possible just to express how much he adores him.

[mentaly-british-biologist]

I love incorrect quotes, here's some I have:

These may include: Swear words

The fandoms included are: Undertale, Deltarune, Tf2 and Cuphead.

UNDERTALE

Sans: Papyrus taught me to think before I act. Sans: …So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

Papyrus, laying in bed: Get out of my room. Sans, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room.

Sans: Hey Papyrus? Papyrus: Yeah? Sans: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false? Papyrus: Papyrus: …What.

Sans: Have you heard of Murphy’s law? The one where if something can go wrong, it will go wrong? Papyrus: Yeah, I have. Sans: Have you heard of Cole’s law? Papyrus: Is this a joke about coleslaw? Sans: …maybe.

Papyrus: Sans told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with.

Sans: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU! Papyrus: Okay, can you do the dishes? Sans: No!

Alphys: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. Undyne: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. Alphys: … Alphys: You mean ring bearER, right? Undyne: … Alphys: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

Alphys: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives. Undyne: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to train. Alphys: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

Mettaton: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container. Papyrus: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now.

Papyrus: All snacks are gone. Mettaton: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?!

DELTARUNE

Susie: Twilight Sparkle was the main character because she represented the element of friendship— Kris, tied up: PLEASE, I JUST WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN! Susie: I'M NOT DONE! Susie: And Rainbow Dash was the sporty girl—

Kris: Kill me nowwwww. Susie: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

Kris, drowning: Help! Susie: Don't worry, I heard cowards float.

Susie: You have any sunscreen? Ralsei: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire— Susie: It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.

Susie: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes? Ralsei: For the dogs. Susie: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs? Ralsei: They don't know how.

Ralsei: Something’s off. Susie: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people. Ralsei: No, but that’s funny.

OH GOD IT GAVE ME T H I S

Spamton: I eat cheerios because they’re heart healthy. Spamton: And my heart has been severely damaged, so Jevil, if you’re out there—

Anyway.

Spamton, talking to Jevil: With all due respect, which is none…

Jevil: Happy Throwback Thursday! Here’s a throwback to when Spamton ate an entire tube of lipstick. Spamton, whining: But why would it be cherry-flavored if you can’t eat it?!

TF2

Demoman: Man, it smells like wrongdog out here. Soldier: ... Soldier: Demoman, are you alright? Demoman: sobs

Soldier: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this? Scout: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.

Scout: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

Engineer: What do we say when making bread? Demoman, glumly: That's the dough rising. Medic: And what do we NOT say? Spy, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

Engineer: I haven’t slept in 72 hours… Demoman: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king! Medic: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100. Spy: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

CUPHEAD

Cuphead: watching their house burn down Cuphead: Cuphead: starts filming Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

Mugman, cowering in fear: What do you want from me?! Cuphead, standing in front of Mugman: bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen Mugman, crying: Please…stop…

Mugman: I trusted you! Cuphead: Why?

Cuphead: Do you ever feel like exploding? Have you experienced the urge to enter the process of combustion? Has your mind created a logical idea, known as thought, to disperse your body into thousands of particles suddenly? Mugman: It’s 3 am, please go back to sleep.

Mugman: Cuphead, I need some advice. Cuphead: You need advice from ME? Mugman: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

[angelsdevils]

Hi! I'm excited for the matchmaking and I adore love letters! thanks so much!

Your Username or name you wanna use: Abella

Anime: Tokyo Revengers, One Piece, Hunter x Hunter

Choose three favorite characters: Mikey, Portgas D. Ace or Marguerite, Meruem

Your Personality: I'm both tomboyish but very girly too, sensitive, a bit shy, INFP-T, confident, jokester, romantic, bashful, inappropriate (I make dirty jokes, dark sense of humor. etc), hopeless romantic, mischievous, imaginative, street smart, for my morals I'd describe myself as a True Neutral like Robin hood or the straw hats

Your Ideal type: If I date someone I want them to either ignore it or be impressed I burp like a drunk marine, someone adventurous that would be my bestie, comforting, and understanding. I tend to like sweethearted personalities or cutesy but I also like serious and smart. I'm demi so I don't care about looks however I'm unattracted to facial hair, especially beards (Shanks and Usopp get a pass since they're sexy). It's a major plus if they're sassy, poetic, self sacrificing or speak their mind.

Extra information about yourself:

I'm flirty, polyamorous, a foodie, I'm also guarded like Nami in a sense since I dress like SZA, Selena Quintanilla, or a Windsor fashion model, Oh yeah I'm not into the women from the straw hats or in Hunter x Hunter

Hey Bestie! <3 I hope you are doing well! You are very welcome, and I hope you like the results. <3

Dear Abella,

I hope you are doing okay, I know it's been awhile since I last seen you. With me being part of the Whitebeard Pirates and all. I hope you aren't too upset with me, good news is I am coming back! Pops said, that you can come with us. Meaning, we can spend more time together. Honestly, I know Valentines Day is around the corner, and even though you will be here with me. Just in case, something happens and we are late, I wanted to give you your present.

I had Thatch make a cake, but he told me after baking the cake, that I can't send it via air. So, here is a picture, I told him he has to remake the cake when you are here. You would love the cake. But your present is so much better than a cake. On the last haul, I bought you this pretty necklace. I mean we have been married for two years now, why wouldn't I buy you something?

I think I am ready to settle down too, and have a family with you. So, you are going to come with me. Pops knows a place that would be perfect for us to live together. There is no rush if you don't want a family, but I can't stand being away from my wife. Plus, I want to give you a better wedding, like maybe renew our vows? I know you don't mind our first wedding but want it so much better. So, we can do that too!

God I love you, I am heating up and shaking just at the thought of living together with you. I can't wait to you see you my cute Abella! <3

Love, Ace

© [@angelsdevils] all rights reserved. none of my posts or stories should be modified, reposted, etc. I do not own the character or the fanart, but I own the plots of these stories. All fanart goes to their appropriate owners.

[that-sad-sapphic]

more

Willow: Hunter and I got married!! Amity: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.

Amity: Guys, my friend here is bilingual. Luz: Yes. Amity: Which means they like both boys and girls. Luz: Ye- wait, what- Gus: Amity, that's not what bilingual means- Amity: Shhh, it's okay Luz. I still love you, man. Luz & Gus: … Amity: bUT NOT LIKE THAT-

amity: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos- luz: I wrote you a poem. amity, already crying: You did?

amity: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. luz: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. amity: … amity: You mean ring bearER, right? luz: … amity: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

amity: So you like cats? luz: Yeah. amity: tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table

luz: Are you ready to commit? amity: Like, a crime or a relationship?

amity: Is something burning? luz, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you. amity: luz, the toaster is literally on fire.

luz: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl. amity: Okay. luz: And make out during the scary parts. amity: Th- amity: The scary parts. amity: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

luz: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash. amity: Oh. We're going out? luz: Wh…

amity: Are you sure luz's even gay? They barely even looked at me.

amity: Two bros! luz: Chillin' in a hot tub! amity and luz, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

luz: Relationships should be 50/50. amity cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

amity: My hands are cold. luz: Here, let me hold them. amity: My lips are cold too. luz: covers amity's mouth with their hand

luz: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us. amity: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

amity: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. luz: steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely amity: That one. I want that one.

amity: luz is playing hard to get. amity: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

[stokesy55]

I love that idea of mitchy and vk arguing over who got destroyed more, it's gold 😂😂 can we extend that to all the omegas in cricket? they have a whatsapp group where they keep complaining about how possessive all their alphas are, but then it goes into an argument about whose alpha is the most possessive and rough 😂 also jossy's endgame is definitely joey, even though joey is a beta. and i think you have finny as a beta too? so the omegas who're mated to alphas, like vk and mitchy keep teasing jos and stu for missing out on the sheer power of a possessive alpha. 🤪 also if it comes to tattletaling, vk is the one who gets totally bullied by the other omegas, because he has more instances of past escapades than the rest of them put together 😂

this is a normal day in the group:

stu: 😭

starcy: why does every conversation on this group start with crying? 🙄

marn: oh look, stu's crying again, what's new? 🙄

jos: what happened??

stu: you know very well what happened 😭

vk: wait what's going on?

stu: which one of you bitches told finny that jimmy cuddles me to sleep on tours? it's only because i have trouble sleeping alone! we're only friends! i can't even feel my legs anymore 😭

vk: oh stop moaning stu, finny's just a beta! trust me, you'd be having a much harder time if he was alpha.

mark: seconded. speaking from experience here 😮‍💨

jos: hey i won't stand for this beta slander! they can get just as possessive as alphas! you've never seen how joey gets, have you?

marnus: what lies! please have you even met steve? i didn't get a wink of sleep on my wedding night, iykwim 😏😳

starcy: have you seen alyssa in one of her moods? 🥵 i think my throat was sore for the entire next week after the last time.

marky: please, neither joe, steve nor alyssa have got anything on my benny 😏 i couldn't even get out of bed after he found out about my ex-boyfriend.

vk: please, but pat takes the cake. i'm actually surprised at myself for not buying myself a walking cane yet! we've been married for 10 years now, and I'm sure ive spent at least 7 of those limping. 😭

marn: you're such a drama queen 🙄

vk: and don't even try to argue with me on this. i used to sleep with joey, benny, finny, and steve before, and i know how they are. none of them are even half as possessive as pat.

starcy: you haven't been with alyssa tho...

vk: well, never say never... ;)

stu: *screenshot* (it's a ss of the current conversation which he sent to patty 🤭)

vk: you told him?! i was kidding!

jos: 😂😂😂😂

marn: 🤣

vk: you asshole!

stu: good luck coz yours is about to get wrecked 🤣

vk: im flying back to india before he comes home, i have a match next week guys 😭😭😭

*next day*

vk: 😭

stu: *screenshot of headphones* you owe me a pair of this, vk, i could hear you screaming over in england!

marn: steve and i are his neighbours. imagine what we went through 🥲

vk: *screenshot of a wheelchair* you owe me this stu, i don't think I'll be able to move for the rest of my life 😫

stu: 😆😆😆😆

jos: lol should i send over some cushions too?

vk: you better. you have no idea how sore my bum is 😭

starcy: you deserve it for implying you would sleep with my alpha

vk: im sorry okay! there was no need to permanently cripple me over a joke!

mark: stop being dramatic vk, I've been through worse with ben!

vk: shut the fuck up, pat literally almost broke my hips yesterday. i don't think anything can be worse than that. i used to fuck ben before, and unlike with pat, i could at least get up from his bed 🙄😒

marky: want me to tell pat again?

vk: don't you dare.

marky: *screenshot* too late. 🤣🤣🤣

stu: omg you actually did it.

marn: wtf mate i didn't sleep yesterday. now my morning is ruined too 😭

vk: why do you hate me so much?! 😩

(lol im sorry, this got away from me 😭🤭)

Ahahahahhah - this is a very funny idea 😂

Mayhaps a one shot spin off in the future 😘

[aeonian-knoxville]

I’m filling your inbox up lmaooo. Could you maybe write married headcannons (like the ones you did for knoxville) but with Chris? Thanks <3

Being Married to Chris Pontius [Headcanon]

thank you sm for requesting this!!<3

aeonian-knoxville’s main m.list

Okay honestly I have no idea why but I feel like the proposal was really casual like “Hey, do you want to get married because I love you and I can really see my future with you” but it was probably like during a really cute intimate moment the two of you were sharing and you’re just like “dude ofc”

Does that make sense?

I also think like Johnny he would go along with what you wanted for the wedding but he would be a little more involved

Like if you wanted something small he’d be like “that’s fine” or if you wanted something extravagant he’d also be like “alright let’s do this”

But he would actually be really involved in planning it like “can we go cake tasting today” or like “I think we should go with this color instead”

Omgg he would definitely keep the honeymoon destination a surprise you’d be like “Chris pleaseeee tell me where we’re going” and he would say something like “The beauty of patience is that it pays off”

Your guys’ house is probably filled with random knickknacks and your furniture probably doesn’t match

Like you guys would just be window shopping and if one of you guys see something you like you’ll just buy it lmao

Goes through your side of the closet and you’re like “what are you doing?” And he’s like “I need an updated wardrobe for Jackass” and you’re like “idek why I’m questioning it” lmaooo

Braiding his hair!! Which brings me to my next point:

We were talking about this in the discord group but this man would fs let you try different hairstyles on him, if you want to paint his nails; go ahead, if you wanted to try a new makeup look; literally would volunteer to let you try it on him

He just seems like the kindest man ever and he’s so thoughtful

Like you cannot tell me he wouldn’t surprise you during the mornings and bring you breakfast in bed

Always reminds you how gorgeous and beautiful you are

I feel like he would plan surprise dates for you because he wants you to know how much he loves and appreciates you

So protective over you!!! but in a good way like he’s just always looking out for you

Have you heard the story of when he went to fight with a guy that threw beer and it landed all over Steve O’s date,, like this man would give his life to protect you

If you wanted to handle your own altercations then he would let you but if he sees someone getting too rowdy for his liking he would definitely step in

Cuddles fs!!! You feel so safe like you never want to leave when you’re in his arms

When you’re sad he would do anything to make you smile like he would switch into Party Boy in a second just to get you to laugh

You probably just stare and admire him because he’s so beautiful and you’re like “damn he’s so hot”

Says the most random things at the most random times like you’ll be eating dinner and he’ll just be like “guess what?” “What?” “Alligators can’t stick out their tongues” and honestly it doesn’t even surprise you anymore because you just know you can never predict what’s gonna come out of his mouth but that’s one of your favorite things about him

I feel like most of the time he’s just really silly with you and just smiling all the time because you’re his favorite person in the world

I can't really picture there being huge arguments because I just can’t imagine you being mad at him idk I really can’t think why there would even be a reason to be upset with him lmaoo

But if there was like a small argument or anything like that he would be serious and just be like “okay let’s talk about”

He wouldn’t yell or get mad he would want to hear you out and would want you to hear him out if there was a disagreement,,, he would just want an actual discussion between the two of you

Once you marry this man people would probably be jealous just because he’s so perfect and they wish they were you

[grumbo-my-beloved]

Not enough grumbo content.

Take these incorrect quotes.

(it's very long)

Grian: I’m in love with you.

Mumbo: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Grian: I know.

Mumbo: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Grian: This date is boring!

Mumbo: This isnt a date. I said I was going to the store.

Grian: Then why did you invite me?

Mumbo: I didn't, I specifically said "don't come with me" then you said "fuck you Mumbo, I'll do whatever I want!"

Mumbo: Did it hurt when you fell-

Grian: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-

Mumbo: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.

Grian: ...

Mumbo: You just laid there for 15 minutes.

Grian: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Mumbo: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Grian: That one. I want that one.

Grian: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

Mumbo: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Grian: ...

Grian: You mean ring bearER, right?

Mumbo: ...

Grian: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

Grian: I owe you one.

Mumbo: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

Mumbo: I fell—

Grian: From heaven?

Mumbo: No, I literally fell—

Grian: In love with me the moment you saw me?

Mumbo: MY ARM IS BROKEN!

Grian: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

Mumbo: Are we fighting or flirting?

Grian: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Mumbo: Your point?

Grian: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Mumbo: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Grian: Yes?

Mumbo: I'd sleep.

Mumbo: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Grian: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

Grian: I feel like doing something stupid.

Mumbo: I’m stupid, do me.

Mumbo: You have to apologize to them Grian.

Grian: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the man you fell in love with!

Scar: So, why don’t you go talk to Mumbo?

Grian, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Scar: What? So you go tell him he's cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

Grian: He could hear me.

Mumbo: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...

Grian: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?

Mumbo: Holy moly-

Grian: Mumbo is playing hard to get.

Grian: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Grian: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Mumbo: Okay.

Grian: And make out during the scary parts.

Mumbo: Th-

Mumbo: The scary parts.

Mumbo: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Mumbo: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Grian: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Mumbo: But you’re always acting stupid?

Grian: ...

Grian: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

Grian: *seductively takes off glasses*

Grian: Wow...

Mumbo: *blushes* Haha... what?

Grian: You're really fucking blurry.

Grian: Relationships should be 50/50. Mumbo cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Grian: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Mumbo: I wrote you a poem.

Grian, already crying: You did?

Grian: I think I'm falling for you.

Mumbo: Then get up.

Grian: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Mumbo: Wow. They sound stupid.

Grian: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Mumbo: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Grian: I guess you’re right. Hey Mumbo, I love you.

Mumbo: See! Just say that!

Grian: Holy fucking shit.

Mumbo: If that flies over their head then, sorry Grian, but they're too dumb for you.

Grian: Mumbo.

Grian: Are you trying to seduce me?

Mumbo: Why, are you seducible?

Grian: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Mumbo: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Grian: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Mumbo: Is it working?

Mumbo: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.

Grian: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

Grian: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

Mumbo: Oh. We're going out?

Grian: Wh...

Mumbo: Are you ready to commit?

Grian: Like, a crime or a relationship?

Grian: We both look very handsome tonight.

Mumbo: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."

Grian: I couldn't take that chance.

Grian: Can you cut me some slack, Mumbo? I’m sort of in love.

Mumbo: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem.

Grian: I’m in love with you.

Mumbo: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

Mumbo: Do you want to know your gay name?

Grian: My... my gay name?

Mumbo: Yeah, it's your first name-

Grian: Haha. Very funny Mumbo-

Mumbo: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.

Grian: Oh- oh my god.

Grian: Two brooooos!

Mumbo: Chillin' in a hot tub!

Grian: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!

Mumbo:

Grian:

Mumbo: *tearing up*

Grian: Babe, c'mon...

Mumbo: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.

Grian: Babe...

Mumbo, sweating: Grian, there’s something I need to ask you-

Grian: Finally! You’re proposing!

Mumbo: How’d you know?

Grian: Mumbo, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

Grian: I even picked it up once.

These last ones imply nsfw, so if you don't wanna see that, scroll on by real fast.

Grian: Bro-

Mumbo: No, no, hold up, rewind.

Mumbo: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

Mumbo: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.

Grian: Hi, I’m ‘things’.

Mumbo: I like your new trousers!

Grian: Thanks, they were 50% off!

Mumbo: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*

Grian: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Mumbo: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Grian: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Mumbo.

Mumbo: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.

Grian: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?

Mumbo: Seize the dick.

Mumbo: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.

Grian: Bro, relax it was just a dream.

Mumbo: Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck you.

Grian: You wouldn’t?

Mumbo: I mean, unless you want to-

Grian: Do you know why I called you in here?

Mumbo: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Grian: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

Grian: Talk dirty to me, baby~

Mumbo: The dishes.

Grian: Wh-

Mumbo: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

Mumbo: Look, last night was a mistake.

Grian: A sexy mistake.

Mumbo: No, just a regular mistake.

Mumbo: Wow, Grian, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Grian: We literally slept together yesterday.

Mumbo: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Mumbo: As top in this relationship, I think we should-

Grian: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

[absolutepokemontrash]

The Brothers and Side Characters Play the Sims

I don’t know what possessed me to make this but WHATEVER. I’ve been playing the Sims since I was a wee little girl, and I’ve seen my fair share of weird Sims stuff that I feel would fit these bozos perfectly.

My Sims have a Functional Family Life Because I Don’t (Lucifer)

God dammit Levi’s obsessed with another game... ugh.

Spends 5 minutes in Create-a-Sim and hops into a starter home.

Lucifer’s the type to start with all the average stuff and then build their stuff up as his sim gets promotions.

It’s just... so peaceful...

...he’s adopting a dog.

Look at his new little virtual family... his sim-kids are self sufficient and getting A’s in school, his Sim spouse MC or Diavolo take your pick loves his Sim-self, his sim-dog-

WAIT NO- THE DOG’S AN ELDER?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

...

He’s fine. It was just a virtual dog. *sniffle*

He’s now spending his free time drinking Demonus and playing the Sims.

What’s a mod? Levi why does your sim have gun?

Behold, My Gorgeous Home... It’s a Box (Mammon)

Mammon, like the rest of the HOL, is mooching off of Levi’s Origin account.

“AW SHIT! This house looks awesome! I’m gonna build it for Sim-me to live in!”

Mammon proceeds to build a box with rooms. Yay...

He just picks the funnest sounding job if he picks any job at all for his Sim. That’s how he ended up making 9 dollars an hour in the criminal career.

Didn’t stop Mammon from buying that solid gold bathroom set from Get Famous... a box with solid gold bathrooms.

His Sim is broke send help-

“Leviiiiiii my sim needs money... the people my sim kidnapped and is forcing to paint aren’t making enough money...” “Ugh... press control shift C and type ‘motherlode’.”

...Levi made a mistake.

“FUCK YEAH! MOTHERLODE!”

His sim’s life is so chaotic, he has a piranha pool that his sim has almost died in twice, the sim is carrying on several torrid love affairs, his sim got struck by lightning, his sim has nearly died in a grilled cheese making accident twice... in the same day.

At least once Sim-Mammon and Sim-MC get married things calm down a little.

Mammon finds out what custom content is and proceeds to download EVERYTHING HE CAN FIND.

And now he’s asking Levi why his computer is running so slow.

Expansion Pack King (Leviathan)

He got into it back when the Sims 2 was new, he’s a veteran fan.

“Bro remember when Agnes Crumplebottom would show up and whack the shit out of your sims if they were flirting?”

“Remember when that witch would show up randomly on the lot you were on if you had Makin’ Magic?”

“Remember when Bella Goth was abducted by aliens and we just... didn’t question it?”

He whines about the Sims4 and how crappy it is but still buys every expansion pack, game pack, and stuff pack.

This boy watches like 40 hours of built tutorials and ends up sobbing over his weird roofs.

“WHY DOESN’T IT LOOK AS NICE AS THE ONE I’M LOOKING AT?! THIS ISN’T FAIR!”

The mod folder is so full istg-

Levi gets custom content for the sole purpose of making his favourite fictional characters.

This is why Henry and the Lord of Shadows are married and Ruri-chan and Sim-Levi are roommates.

Oh my god they were roommates-

Levi also added his brothers to the world and uh... Sim-Mammon died in a tragic pool accident F.

Levi then proceeded to befriend the Grim Reaper.

He’s anxiously awaiting the release of Paralives.

Wait Gameplay? In This Build Simulator? (Satan)

Satan’s here to build and leave. Gameplay who?

Our favourite bundle of rage is a master architect and the amount of followers on the Gallery he has shows it.

He takes up those build shell challenges and always ends up making them look positively perfect.

Asmo’s always using his houses, and Satan often takes requests when he gets bored.

No Mammon, he reserves the right to refuse to build a golden castle for you- YOUR SIM HAS 40 SIMOLEONS-

No mods, no CC, he’s building with what EA gave him.

...and EA gave him debug objects, and he’s not going to explain how to get them.

The one time he did actually play with a family... it was one sim and seven cats.

He tries to play without cheats... and ends up getting frustrated and turns on cheats.

All hail the Pets Expansion Pack.

Custom Content Soap Opera (Asmodeus)

Asmo spends 5 hours in Create a Sim then just... clicks out of the game.

That’s how it goes most of the time, buuuuuut when he gets super invested in a family he’s made, boy howdy is he INVESTED.

Sim A is carrying on an affair with Sim C who’s in love with Sim B who’s married to Sim A but Sim D wants to kill Sim A and C even though they’re the illegitimate child of Sim C-

When Asmo realizes that in the Sims 4 he needs to manufacture all the drama himself and he can’t just sit back with a glass of wine and watch the fireworks, he switches to the Sims 2 and 3.

“...why is this old lady beating up my Sim..?”

He immediately recoils in horror upon seeing how ugly the Sims are pre Sims4.

HE NEEDS TO FIX THIS-

Ah, there we go, perfect. Custom Content to the rescue!

He ends up remaking the entire world just so he doesn’t have to look at weird looking Sims.

Asmo is the only one to have finished a proper Legacy Challenge, but it gets crazy chaotic after gen 3.

“My sim just got abducted by aliens and now he’s pregnant- WHAT?!”

He has about 40 saves and only two he actually plays.

Just a Big Ol’ Happy Family (Beelzebub)

Beel found the game, proceeded to make everyone in create-a-sim to the best of his abilities, and made everyone get along.

That’s why Sim-Lucifer and Sim-Belphie are on a swing set together, they’re friends :D

“Hey Luke do you think you can make this?” “I-is that a cake shaped like a hamburger?” “Yes. Please make.”

He took one look at the cooking options and decided to max out his Sim’s cooking skill to unlock all the options.

Beel proceeded to drool all over his keyboard. Gross...

Boy howdy did he have some crazy dinner suggestions!

Overall, very wholesome Sim-life, except for the time Sim-Levi died because the toilet caught fire, don’t worry, Sim-Beel knows how to make ambrosia.

All is good in the Sim save...

...until Sim-Beel ate pufferfish nigiri and fuckin died-

Wait Did I Not Pause- (Belphie)

Huh, this game looks fine... I’ll play for a little- *SNORE*

Belphie makes some sims, plops them into a starter home, plays for an hour, then falls asleep.

He wakes up five hours later to absolute carnage.

Three sims have died because someone decided to make Mac and Cheese and the oven caught fire, the kids were taken away by social services, and the dog ran away.

“...heheh, holy shit everyone look.”

He doesn’t play often, but when he does, death occurs. He has found out every death method for every game from Sims 2 to 4.

And that INCLUDES the Sims Medieval! You guys remember that game?

Sometimes it’s not intentional, but Belphie got bored with the totally normal life his sims were living and decided to spice it up.

“Why are the ghosts breaking my showers..?”

Help There’s a Bug- (Diavolo)

The Crown Prince started playing when he noticed Lucifer was playing it.

He was immediately obsessed.

Dia mostly plays the Sims Medieval because he likes the feeling of achievement after completing a quest!

“Barbatos... why isn’t my Sim completing their task? The icon won’t show up.” “My lord it appears the game is bugged.” “:(“

No one thought to tell Diavolo that EA doesn’t plan on offering bug support to a game made in like... 2009

This doesn’t matter! Look at how great his kingdom is doing- oh no his hero has the plague-

He plays through the Pirates and Nobles expansion and manages to get the peaceful ending, he’s so proud of himself.

“MC! Look! My Monarch’s sword is permanently on fire and I’m fighting an evil wizard!”

When he does play the other Sims games he’s pretty basic, though, he does a great job at furnishing!

Dia gets crazy sad when his Sims die... he turns off aging.

Builder no. 2 (Barbatos)

Barbie doesn’t have time for this... but when he does, he builds.

No create a sim.

No playing the game as intended.

Just builds.

It’s relaxing, okay? A nice little suburban house he’s never going to play in, maybe a treehouse, maybe a big Hollywood Mansion...

The only time he actually plays the game outside of build mode is when someone needs his help to fix something in-game.

He does download custom content build items if he feels bored by the current selection.

Oh Crap What Am I Doing?! (Simeon)

Help him. Please.

He’s so confused.

“Luke, why is my sim upset?” “He’s hungry, Simeon.” “Oh, how do I fix that?” “...Simeon-”

There’s a toilet in the middle of the living room.

The fridge is facing the wall.

There’s no bathtub or shower.

The house is on fire- there is no god- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Okay, once he gets the hang of it he’s sitting pretty. His sims have good jobs, the kids are getting good grades, everything’s fine.

...

But Simeon won’t forget the nightmares.

What Even is This Save? (Solomon)

Solomon’s save is the definition of chaos.

One sim’s a vampire, the other is a spellcaster that really wants to fight the Callientes for some reason, there’s one normal sim that’s always sick for some reason,

It gets weird, confusing, and horrible.

Just how Solomon likes it.

His house makes no sense, like, what even is architecture?

Money cheats are needed because Solomon‘a goal of chaos and confusion is proving to be kind of expensive.

Square up Mortimer Goth, Solomon’s sims are here to steal your weird knight statue that’s worth a shit ton of simoleons for NO REASON.

He joined the scientist career for the sole purpose of getting to the alien planet and kidnapping adding an alien to the household via cheats.

The vampire ended up dying on their wedding day because Solomon forgot that he gave them the sun weakness.

Oh well, the ghost got added to the household! VAMPIRE GHOST!

The Child (Luke)

Before you say Luke’s too young to play the Sims, you should know that I was nine when I first started playing, and I turned out fiiiiiiiiiine.

He’s just happy to be playing.

Look, his sims are gardening :D

Look, two of them are getting married :D

Look, they had a baby :D

Look, his sims are building a rocket ship :D

Look, his sims’s rocket just crashed-

The concept of death hit the little angel right in the face that day.

“*sniffle*... my sims...”

Don’t worry, with tears in his eyes, Luke quit without saving and everything was fine!

Speaking of My Sims, Luke played MySims Sky Heroes and that was when Luke had his first bout of gamer rage.

MC came over to hang out with Solomon and Simeon, and in the distance they could just hear:

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY TIME WASN’T FAST ENOUGH TO CONTINUE THE STORY!? I’LL SHOW YOU FAST ENOUGH TIME!”

Okay, maybe Simeon should take the game away... just for a bit... he should take heed not to be bitten by the incredibly angry chihuahua.

Bonus:

MC: Why are our Sims married?

*Insert Boy Here*: Uh... that’s weird... I have no clue why they’re doing that...

[jungshookz]

hwayoung’s two now and y/n’s allowed to be emotional about it, okay?

➺ genre; ceo!yoongiverse!! a little bit of yoongi and y/n being mushy for each other!! fluff!! cutest drabble for the cutest girl!! jungkook and jimin bickering like an old married couple as per usual!! 

➺ wordcount; 3.2k

➺ p.s. this drabble is approximately five months overdue and it’s basically been collecting dust in my drafts so i figured i’d finally release it into the wild since it’s mother’s day today and i thought it’d be nice to read something sweet on this special day!!!! happy mother’s day!!! give ur mom a big ol hug and a kiss on the cheek :-) and if u don’t celebrate mother’s day that’s okay you can still read this for a small boost of serotonin wahoo :D 

                                       »»————-　🍰　————-««

“i’d just like to inform you that if it wasn’t for the fact that today is hwayoung’s birthday, the idea of having cake as part of breakfast would definitely be off the table.” yoongi pauses before turning his head to look at you pointedly, “in fact, it wouldn’t even had made it to the table in the first place.”

“trust me, you’ve made that clear multiple times-” you roll your eyes playfully before offering yoongi a half-hearted shrug, “it’s not a big deal! we’ll just give her a tiny little chunk that’ll fit in her tiny little hand and then we’ll save the rest for later!”

“yeah, right-” yoongi snorts, making his way over to you to hand you a balloon, “you’re probably going to sneak an entire slice of cake into her mouth while i’m not watching-” he teases, digging his fingers into your sides playfully before wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you back against his chest, “you think you’re so sneaky-”

“hey-!” you giggle, squirming in his grip when you feel him starting to nip at the side of your neck, “this is not a very productive use of our time, boss-”

“hey, you two! are you just going to stand there making out all day or are you actually going to help me with the decorations?”

both you and yoongi peer over the edge to see jimin standing by the bottom of the spiral staircase looking very unimpressed and you flash him a sheepish smile 

“we’re not making out-” 

“yeah, well you might as well be-”

“we’re helping! we’re almost done tying balloons to the banisters-” you argue, holding the balloon in your hand up before flopping it around enthusiastically, “we-” you jolt when you accidentally let go of it, watching with wide eyes as it rockets around the ceiling before poot-poot-pooting pathetically and landing on the ground by jimin’s feet

whoops

“…yes, that’s very helpful, thank you.” jimin mutters to himself, shaking his head as he bends down to pick up the sad, spitty balloon up off the ground with a grimace, “when you’re done, come down and help me because this balloon arch isn’t going to make itself! chop-chop, people-” he claps his hands together as he wanders back to the living room to the half-constructed balloon arch

“you know, you’d think that hwayoung was his daughter-” yoongi murmurs lowly, twisting his neck to give your cheek a quick kiss before pulling away

“mm, tell me about i-”

“she’s mine when the two of you drop dead!”

you jump in surprise at the sound of jimin’s voice snapping at you from below and you and yoongi exchange glances before bursting into quiet giggles

“i feel like i should be more concerned that jimin seems to be very eagerly waiting for our deaths.” you joke, reaching for the bag of balloons and pulling out a handful of them

as much as you love your daughter you weren’t planning on having a super big birthday party for her just because..,., well, she’s probably not going to remember most of it considering she’s two and also it’s just the five of you celebrating at home, so you thought that a cake and a bunch of presents would be good enough of a celebration

of course, when you told jimin about these plans he looked like he was ready to bury you alive which is why he insisted that he’d take care of the food and the drinks and basically the entirety of hwayoung’s birthday party and told you that all you and yoongi had to do was sit back, relax, blow up a couple of balloons and also choose a cute birthday outfit for hwayoung

(jimin actually ended up taking over that part as well. he bought her a new birthday dress and a brand new pair of shoes to go with it.)

“everyone can relax! the star of the show has now arrived!”

the sound of the front door slamming shut suddenly shatters the silence and you smile lightly when you see jungkook sauntering in as if he owns the place

“good morning, kook.” you hum, jungkook looking up at you before offering you a lopsided grin, “actually, the star of the show is still fast asleep in her room.”

“oh, right-” jungkook snorts, dismissing you with a flick of his wrist, “i mean, yeah, of course this is hwayoung’s special day- but check it out! i picked up her birthday cake and brought it back here and i didn’t accidentally ruin it somehow!” he raises the big blue box in his hand with a beam, “i’m incredible!”

“that thing looks huge, jungkook!” you frown lightly, “i told you not to go crazy-”

“please tell me you didn’t max out my credit card buying a giant cake for hwayoung.” yoongi chimes in, leaning over and folding his arms atop the banister, “i hope you realise it’s just going to be the three of you having to eat it all-”

“it’s hwayoung’s birthday, i had to splurge! you know that ‘everything is cake’ trend? i ordered a custom cake and asked them to make it look like a giant cookie! but i also ordered a dozen chocolate chip cookies just in case she’s not into the cake.” jungkook smiles proudly before pausing, “…of course, knowing hwayoung, she’s going to love the cookies and the cake, so i’m not too worried. i’m going to see if i can shove these into the fridge-”

“what’s wrong?” yoongi nudges your side to get you to look at him, “you look like you’re thinking, which is never really a good thing-”

“hwayoung’s two now.” you blink twice before turning to look at yoongi, “she’s two.”

“yes. you’re very good at keeping track of our daughter’s age.” yoongi coos, reaching up to pinch your cheek playfully, “good job, baby.”

“two years old!” you gasp, turning around to lean back against the railing before shaking your head, “my god, she’s aged.”

“oh my god, you’re right. the ripe old age of two.” yoongi teases before gasping dramatically and reaching over to grip onto your forearm, “soon, we’ll be thinking about what elementary school to send her off to... and then the next thing you know, we’ll be helping her look for her own apartment when she’s off at university... and then you’ll be going wedding dress shopping with h-”

“stOP stop stop stop-” you wave your hands before covering them over your ears, yoongi laughing lightly when you frown at him, “i don’t want her to turn two! because that means she’s going to turn three… and then she’s going to turn four… and then five, six, seven, eight-” you pause and your eyes suddenly widen in horror, “she’s going to be a sixteen year old one day- what if she turns into a bratty sixteen year old?? because i was a really bratty sixteen year old and i don’t want her to turn out like me! do you know how hard it’s going to be if she turns into me? i used to sneak home at four in the morning-”

“let’s keep in mind that hwayoung is also my daughter and i was not a bratty sixteen year old,” yoongi interrupts calmly before giving your arm a reassuring squeeze, “she’s gonna be fine! and you turned out great, so give yourself a little bit of credit-”

“i just want her to stay two forever.” you pout, crossing your arms stubbornly as you look down the hallway towards her room, “is that too much to ask for??”

“when the terrible twos hit, i guarantee you’re probably going to feel a little different.” yoongi teases, pushing himself up off the banister before gesturing for you to go and join jimin and jungkook downstairs, “why don’t you help jimin out with the balloon arch while i go and wake our little miss two year old up?”

                                      »»————-　🍰　————-««

yoongi presses his lips together tightly as he twists the doorknob, being careful not to make too loud of a sound to accidentally shock hwayoung awake

the last thing he wants is for to burst into tears at the start of her special day

he peers into the bedroom, smiling fondly when he sees a little lump under the covers shuffling a little 

a chubby sock-clad foot pokes out for a second before it disappears again

“이게 누굴까요? [hm… who’s that]?” yoongi asks quietly, the lump suddenly freezing in place, “드디어 일어나셨네요… [i think someone’s finally awake…]”

he tilts his head when a messy head of hair pops out from under the covers, the corners of hwayoung’s mouth immediately lifting in a bright smile when she spots him, “우리 공주 좋은 아침입니다! [oh! good morning, miss min!]”

he lets himself into the room and reaches over to click the white noise machine off before starting to quietly pad his way over to her, his heart melting in his chest when her mouth opens up in a quiet little yawn

“잘 주무떠뜹니까… [gub moming…]” hwayoung murmurs, eyelids fluttering slightly as yoongi reaches down to push some of her hair out of her face

“잘 잤어? [hi, baby… did you sleep well?]” yoongi asks, leaning down to scoop her up, “우리 화영이 생일 축하해… 밑에서 다 기다리고 있어... [happy birthday, my darling… we’re all waiting for you downstairs...]” he whispers, rubbing circles into her warm back when she immediately clings to him, “머리에 물 좀 묻히고 내려갈까? 머리가 아주 산발이네. [why don’t we freshen up a little, hm? the birthday girl can’t take pictures with a bird’s nest on her head.]”

“딴바. [birb’s ness.]”

                                      »»————-　🍰　————-««

“i hope she likes the present i got for her.” jungkook mutters, his foot tapping anxiously against the ground as he looks up towards the top of the stairs in anticipation of hwayoung’s arrival, “i mean, if she doesn’t like it, there’s a receipt in the box so i can return it and get something else for her… but i really hope she likes it.”

“jungkook, she’s two. i gave her a wooden spoon to play with the other day and she was ecstatic.” you snort, peeling an eye open to look at him from where you’re lying on the couch before shutting it again, “i’m sure she’ll love whatever you got for her.”

“what’s the matter with you?” jimin hums, glancing at you for a second before focusing his attention back on sticking the bright pink ‘2’ candle onto the cake, “you look a little out of it today.”

“gee, thanks.” you snort, blindly grabbing one of the throw pillows before hugging it to your chest, “no, i’m fine, i just- i was feeling a little mopey this morning about hwa turning two and now i’m just thinking about how time has just flown by…”

“mm. it seems like it was only yesterday that i was holding your hair back while you violently puked your guts out into the toilet bowl.” jimin jokes, holding a hand to his chest before spinning around to face you and jungkook, “ah… fond memories that i’ll look back on for the rest of my life.”

“you know, i should’ve told yoongi i was pregnant in another way.” you suddenly change the subject, propping yourself up onto your elbows with a frown, “all i did was give him a tiny cookie. how lame is that?!”

“to be fair, you didn’t know how he was going to react, so maybe it was a good thing you went for something so simple!” jimin shrugs, making his way over to you before sticking his hand out for you to take, “c’mon, miss mopey. hwayoung probably doesn’t want to see you throwing yourself a pity party on her special day when she comes down here.”

                                     »»————-　🍰　————-««

“-화영이가 엄마한테가서 이쁜짓 해주는 거 어떨까? [-now, mama is feeling very emotional today, so i think it’d be a really good idea to act extra cute, okay?]” yoongi whispers to hwayoung, planting a quick kiss on her cheek while slowly making his way down the stairs, “of course, that probably isn’t going to be a problem for you, seeing that you’re adorable 24/7-”

“i adowbo.” hwayoung murmurs, leaning down and squishing her cheek against yoongi’s shoulder, “졸려. [i seepy.]”

“졸리다고? [sleepy?]” yoongi pauses on the steps, reaching up to adjust one of her pigtails with a smile, “이거 큰일났네, 졸리면 어떡해! [you can’t be sleepy for your morning conference. look alive!]”

“is that the sleepy little birthday girl?” 

yoongi looks down to see you waiting eagerly at the bottom of the stairs, your hands clasped together and your eyes glued on hwayoung, “good morning!”

“mama!” hwayoung immediately twists around in yoongi’s arms at the sound of your voice, reaching out for you with a teethy grin as soon as yoongi gets close enough to you

“oh, happy birthday, my sweet little baby!“ you coo as you take her into your arms, squishing multiple kisses to her chubby cheek as you hold her close, “happy happy birthday, my beautiful girl…”

“ahppa bouday!” hwayoung giggles, little hands patting against your face

she leans in and smushes her nose against yours before giving you a drooly kiss on the cheek and you can’t help but laugh at how affectionate she’s being with you

see??

you want to keep her like this forever and it sucks to think about the fact that one day you’re going to set her down on the ground after carrying her and you’ll never pick her up again because she won’t need you to pick her up again

:-(

“oh…” you sniffle, suddenly feeling your nose prickle and your eyes starting to get a little tingly, “i love you so much…”

you don’t get much of a chance to say anything else before hwayoung’s suddenly being plucked from your arms, both jimin and jungkook immediately starting to fawn over her as per usual

“우리 화영이, 공주님이 따로 없네! [look at how beautiful you are in your dress!]” jimin exclaims animatedly, hwayoung clapping her hands together in response

her dress is sage green and gingham and it even came with matching ribbons for her hair and you have to admit that jimin made a pretty good choice with this birthday outfit

you probably would’ve stuck her in a pair of overalls or something

“see, what’d i say?” jimin smiles proudly, smoothing down the back of hwayoung’s dress before looking over at jungkook, “i told you the sage green was cuter- 아니 빨간 걸 왜 입혀 뭐 애를 도마로 만들 생각이니- [the red one that you wanted to go with would’ve made her look like a picnic blanket-]”

“아니 도마라니! [red gingham is classy!]” jungkook argues, trailing behind jimin while making faces at hwayoung to get her to laugh, “입혀보지도 않고- [you didn’t even give it a chance-]”

“난 그딴 거 염두에 두지 않는다 정국아- [i don’t need to give tacky garbage a chance, jungkook-]”

“hey, are you okay?” yoongi gives you a quick hug and kiss on the side of your head when he suddenly notices a tear running down your cheek, “she’s just turning two, y/n... she’s not moving out of the country-”

“i know, i know-“ you sniffle, reaching up to quickly wipe at your tears before chuckling, “i guess i’m just feeling extra emotional today-”

“c’mon, parents!” jimin calls out for you two while setting hwayoung down in her high chair, “the candle is melting and this cake is too expensive to get any wax dripped on it-”

“gookee!” hwayoung points to the cake and claps her hands as she bounces up and down on her seat, “gookee, mama!”

“yeah! cookie!” you mimic enthusiastically, smiling widely when she suddenly lets out a high-pitched squeal of excitement, her nose scrunching particularly cutely, “i’m glad to see that you inherited my love for cookies and not appa’s love for muesli.”

yoongi immediately scoffs and reaches down to give your bum a quick swat

“i know she’s saying cookie, but i’m just going to go ahead and say that she’s actually saying the name of her favourite uncle-” jungkook sighs, reaching down to pinch hwayoung’s cheek, “화영이는 꾹이 삼촌 제일 좋아하- [uncle gookee is your forever favourite-]”

“어 응 뉘에- [yeah, okay, whatever helps you sleep at night-]” jimin snorts, shoving the camera into his hands as the four of you stand in front of hwayoung, “okay, don’t touch the cake yet! let’s get some pretty pictures of the birthday girl first!”

“hwa, look into the camera!” jungkook coos, snapping his fingers to get her to look up at him, “그래 삼촌 한 번만 봐 봐- [look at uncle goo- yeah, there we go-]”  

you watch hwayoung fondly as she continues to ham it up for the camera, her little legs kicking in anticipation under the tray

“good girl, you’re being so patient.” you hum before reaching over to pluck a cookie from the open box, “ooh, i’ve been dying to sink my teeth into one of these-” 

“i had one earlier, they’re pretty good!” jimin nods, brushing past jungkook to get to you, “the bakery i ordered them from has, like five out of five stars one google review- hey, what’s that face for?”

“eugh- do the cookies taste a little funky to you?” you face screws up as you swallow the bite before holding the cookie up to take a closer look at it, “it’s just chocolate chip, right?”

“yeah- hold on, lemme try-” jimin frowns, reaching over to steal your cookie before taking a bite of it and chewing thoughtfully

“maybe you just got a weird one?” yoongi suggests, peering into the box with a frown, “all cookies taste funky to me, so my opinion probably isn’t valid here-”

“it’s fine, i’ll try another one later-” you dust your fingers off before perking up and clapping your hands together, “hey, should yoongi and i hop in for some pictures before hwa completely destroys the entire cake?”

“yeah, it… might be a little too late for that.” jungkook clears his throat and the three of you look over to see hwayoung’s tubby arms shoved elbow deep into the cake, “i gave her the green light to go ahead and eat. she just looked so sad and hungry, i’m sorry!”

hwayoung cackles in glee as she continues slapping her hand against the cake, her grubby little hands now sticky and her new dress stained with globs of frosting chocolate

“oh my god.” you stifle a laugh and reach up to cover your mouth so that you don’t burst out laughing at the fact that both jimin and yoongi look absolutely appalled

“i spent, like, ten minutes doing her hair-” yoongi whines, gently nudging you aside so he can hurry over to hwayoung and try to salvage the neat little pigtails he spent forever working on, “and now there’s frosting everywhere!”

“that dress was expensive, jungkook!” jimin snaps, and if you didn’t know any better you’d think he was about to burst into tears, “and i didn’t even get any nice pictures with her before she- come on, man-”

“i’m sorry!”

“ahppy bodday!” hwayoung shrieks in delight and flings her arms up, chunks of cake and specks of frosting flicking out from her hands, “i adowbo!”

👔click here for more ceo!yoongi content (+ hwayoung!)

🎙️help me help you make your wishes come true (send me a request!)

✨why don’t you explore the rest of the library while you’re here? (full fics!)

💫or perhaps you want something shorter to read? (drabbles like this one!)

🌟or something even shorter? (teeny tidbits!)

[bwbatta]

The one where you get together (1)

Abstract: Y/N and Sirius have been friends since they first met on the Hogwarts Express, so when they do get together, they decide not to tell their friends straight away. (Friends AU)

Pairing: Sirius Black x Lupin sister!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, talking about sexual content

Word Count: 3.5K

A/N: To celebrate reaching 500 followers, I'm dropping another mini series as a thank you to everyone who has shared and supported my work! Add yourself to my taglist here 

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

You could still vividly remember the first time you met Sirius Black.

Boarding the train to Hogwarts the first time, you managed to find a compartment with your brother, Remus, before it was descended upon by two rowdy boys with large grins.

James Potter and Sirius Black had, with no hesitation, introduced themselves to you and you quickly became friends, especially when you pulled your money together and bought a various selection of chocolates from the trolley. When the sorting hat placed all of you in Gryffindor, it only reaffirmed your friendship.

It wasn't just the four of you in your little group though, the boys were placed in a dormitory with another boy, Peter, and you shared a dorm with two other girls who also became fierce friends of yours; Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon.

Of course, growing up together through Hogwarts had it's arguments and fall outs, though somehow you always seemed to remain friends.

It wasn't until your seventh, and final year of Hogwarts did the surprising pair of Lily and James get together which solidified your friendship group even further. Between Sirius and you, the bet you had made in your fourth year regarding when the pair would get together, finally came to an end where you had happily took your winnings with a smile and paid for a bottle of Firewhiskey to celebrate.

After graduating, you ended up moving in with Marlene, finding a perfect two bedroom flat for you to share, close to Diagon Alley. The boys had taken a page from your book with Sirius using some of his inheritance from his great uncle and buying a flat directly across the Leaky Cauldron.

Whilst he had invited Peter to also live with him and Remus, the boy politely refused with the intention to stay with his parents for a while.

James however, had asked Lily to move in with him almost the second they graduated and the pair had moved to a little cottage in Godric’s Hollow. It wasn’t long afterwards that James had proposed to Lily which led to the current series of events.

About an hour before, you and Marlene had walked down the aisle in the gardens of Potter Manor in your bridesmaids dresses, while Lily had donned a white dress and followed you. Standing opposite your brother and Sirius, the latter caught your eye when your friends said their wedding vows.

With a wink, Sirius had your attention and you weren't exactly sure what it was that felt different, but something definitely did.

As the reception started, you watched Lily and James take some of their wedding photos together. The smile on your face was something you couldn't help as Remus appeared at your side, a similar expression on his own face.

"Remember when Lily hexed James so hard he vomited out of his nose because he proposed to her?"

"I'm pretty sure it made him like her even more to be honest, James is weird like that." You snickered, accepting the drink from your brother. "Who would've thought we'd be here not even four years later?"

"Tell me about it. If you plan on getting married anytime soon though, please give me some warning." Remus joked, nudging his shoulder against yours.

"I think I need to actually date someone before I marry them, but thanks for being so optimistic about my dating life." You grinned at him before seeing Sirius making his way over to the two of you.

"Well well, if it isn't the Lupin twins." Sirius laid an arm over both your shoulders. "How long do you reckon it'll be before Lily's creepy uncle makes a move on Marlene?"

"At least after two more drinks." Remus chuckled. "Which reminds me, I promised I'd save her from any men tonight who wanted to dance with her that, and I quote, looked like they had to use a stamina charm in bed."

"Good luck with that." You snickered, waving your brother off as he disappeared in the direction of the blonde.

Sirius didn't say anything else as he took a seat at one of the tables and pulled you down into his lap. It wasn't uncommon for the two of you to hug or cuddle, having done so numerous times in the Gryffindor common room, much to Remus' annoyance. This only really resulted in Sirius being more affectionate.

Being twins, the two of you were naturally closer than normal siblings which resulted in Remus being protective over you since the only blood family you both had left was each other. Your parents, especially your father, had grown fearsome and disgusted at what Remus was, despite it not being his fault when Greyback bit him all those years ago. Your father began to resent you after you constantly took Remus' side and played his constant advocate.

"Hey, what're you thinking about?" Sirius nudged you, grabbing your attention. His expression was unreadable as he watched you watch Lily and James interact with each other.

"I don't know, it's nothing." Sirius nudged you again, looking for a proper answer. "I look at them and I just wonder if I'll ever have that, you know? Someone who looks at you like you're their whole world."

Sirius didn't say anything at first, but pulled you closer. He wouldn't admit it but he often had the same thought cross his mind.

"You'll find them."

"Are they fucking hiding from me?!"

"If they've already met you, then probably."

Smacking his chest, you couldn't help the contagious laughter that bubbled from you, echoing that from the wizard.

"Being serious though," Sirius grinned at the pun he just made, "who wouldn't want you?"

You smiled at him warmly, not knowing what to say. It wasn't often that Sirius was, well serious. The boy loved a joke, but he also loved his friends and knew exactly what to say to them to cheer them up, especially you.

"Thanks, Siri."

"Hey, James and Lily are about to head off for their honeymoon." Remus said, knocking on Sirius' bedroom door at Potter Manor, stepping inside to see Sirius rush back out from the ensuite bathroom only in his shirt and boxers. "What happened to you? You disappeared from the reception."

"Uh, dropped cake down myself, had to come and change." Sirius told him quickly.

"You do realise you're a wizard right? You could've just vanished the mess?"

"Ah yeah, of course, how stupid, sure could've. Anyway, I just need to put on some clean trousers and I'll be right down."

Remus frowned. Something was off but he couldn't work out what it was. Putting it down to Sirius drinking too much, he waved the man off, exiting the room.

"Alright well, hurry down, James was asking for you."

Remus exited the room and Sirius quickly closed the door behind him. Turning back to the bathroom, he watched as you opened the door with a tentative expression, trying to zip your dress back up but failing.

"Do you think he knew I was here?"

"Don't think so, here, turn around, I'll do it." Sirius turned you around, quickly zipping up your dress before resting his hands on your waist. "So, we haven't done that before."

"That is correct."

It was slightly awkward between the two of you, why was it awkward? Oh, maybe because you were both fucking like rabbits not even moments before your brother knocked on the door. It had never been awkward between you before though and you didn't like it.

"Why is it so awkward?" Sirius chuckled as you spun around before him.

"Right! It's like I don't know what to say!"

"We're just two friends who've had sex one time, there doesn't have to be anything awkward about that!"

"Exactly, it doesn't have to be a big deal, it was a one time thing, we can just go back to the party and no one will know!"

"Yes, good plan, lets go!" Turning towards the door, Sirius started towards it with a new determination, completely forgetting one issue.

"Sirius?" He paused, looking back at you, "maybe you should put on some trousers before we go down though."

"Good idea."

Waving James and Lily off, you stood alongside the rest of your friends as Marlene appeared, pulling you towards her by your waist.

"Ugh, please tell me we're going to get some good booze and continue to get fucked up at ours?"

"Is that an open invite?" Remus asked with a grin, "Think I spied an extra bottle of Firewhiskey knocking about near the top table."

"100%," Marlene grinned at him, "after all, it's the least I could do after you saved me from so many creeps tonight. I will thank you in the form of hosting a small afterparty with the inner circle. Right, Y/N?"

"I'm up for it, I'll go see if I can grab that extra bottle you mentioned."

Taking off towards the top table, your eyes scanned the tables one by one until you felt a presence behind you. Already knowing who it was, you didn't bother looking back at them.

"I've got a fresh bottle stashed under my bed upstairs if we wanna grab that one?" Sirius said lowly in your ear.

"That sounds like a plan," you said slowly, "though I thought we said it was only a one time thing?"

"Weddings don't count, right? I swear that's a rule somewhere."

"...How long do you think we can be before the others get suspicious?"

"10 minutes?"

"Sounds good, lets go."

The pair of you said nothing more the entire night on the matter and ended up just having a good time with your friends. The boys ended up sleeping on your sofas, not trusting themselves to apparate safely considering the amount they each had to drink.

It wasn't until mid morning when everyone started to rouse, that you offered to make everyone a cup of tea to help with the hangovers that had started to form.

"Hey, make mine extra strong, will you?"

You laughed, turning to face Sirius.

"You need the caffeine that much?"

"That answer is a strong yes."

Pouring the boiling water into the mugs, you passed Sirius' over to him as he smiled at you in thanks.

"So, yesterday was something." You smiled, taking a sip of your own drink.

"Yeah... something stupid, right?"

"Yeah, totally stupid." There was a brief silence between you as you weren't exactly sure what to say next. "Look as much as I enjoyed it, I don't want us to become awkward or ruin our friendship or anything because of it."

"Good, because I was going to say the same thing." Sirius nodded, leaning against the kitchen counter top. "As good as the sex was, and trust me it was good, it's not worth making our friendship awkward or anything not knowing where we stand with the other."

"Right, yes, that makes a lot of sense." You both took another sip of tea as you listened to Marlene and Remus in the living room laugh about something. "Unless... wait no, it's nothing."

"No, what it is?" Sirius asked.

"Unless... I don't know, we keep fucking in secret and just don't tell the others?"

You stared at the tea in your cup before raising your eyes to meet Sirius' grey ones which were wide, a grin on his face.

"I guess that would work too?"

"Yeah... anyway on a totally unrelated note, Marlene's visiting her family tomorrow night at like 7."

"Noted."

"Where's my bloody tea, Y/N!" The blonde in question strode into the kitchen sluggishly. "I swear you've been in here for 4 hours making it."

"If you were a little more patient, Mar, I was just about to bring it out for you." You rolled your eyes but handed the mug over to her anyway.

"Thanks, how're you two feeling this morning?"

"Rough." Sirius grunted out as the three of you headed back into the living room. "But what's new there, really?!"

"You should really try cut back on your drinking, Pads." Remus mentioned, taking the cup of tea from you with a smile.

"You should cut back on your chocolate."

"Chocolate doesn't give you hangovers." Remus countered with a smirk causing Sirius to just roll his eyes as he sunk down into an armchair.

"Either way, I hope Lils and James are having fun." Marlene stretched out on the other sofa, placing her legs over your own. "I know James will be with the things Y/N and I packed as a surprise in Lily's bags."

You snorted into your cup as you remembered the countless lacy items you'd snuck into Lily's normally conservative wardrobe.

"Well, James might be happy about what you packed, but he certainly won't be happy with what we packed." Sirius snickered as Remus held back a laugh.

"What did you do?!"

"We might've exchanged his entire bag of clothes for an entire bag of Cornish Pixies." Sirius grinned. "I'm already expecting a howler from Lily at some point in the near future."

Sirius didn’t have to wait long for Lily’s reaction as only moments later he heard an angry shout through his two way mirror he shared with James.

As planned, Marlene visited her family the next day and no later after she flooed away, Sirius appeared at the front door of your flat. The same happened after Marlene was picked by Dumbledore for an order mission and Sirius happily flooed into your flat only moments later. You were convinced he’d bugged your flat somehow.

James and Lily returned from their honeymoon a week later, effectively surprising you as they flooed into your flat with no warning, causing you to stuff a naked Sirius into your closet. It was safe to say he wasn’t impressed after Lily insisted she make a pot of tea to ‘catch up’, and ended up staying round for several hours. 

You barely managed to hide the snicker which escaped your lips when James asked if you knew where Sirius was.

With the newly married pair being back, the two of you decided to come up with a plan as how to sneak around without the others knowing.

Somehow, it didn’t really go to plan.

Sirius insisted that you should come over and take a bath with him one night, especially as Remus was due to be out. You couldn’t help but agree to the idea, mostly because you got to spend time with your very sexy male friend who looked very good in bubbles... and also the fact his bathtub was a lot better than your own.

The bathtub in question was a massive claw-foot tub which could fit the two of you and your two roommates if you so desired. Compared against the shitty little tub Marlene and you had in your flat, it was a no brainer.

Which is why as you sat in between Sirius’ legs, your back against his chest, you couldn’t help but feel more relaxed than you had done all week. 

Sirius was leant back against the tub, his arm around your waist with a glass of Firewhiskey in his other hand. The two of you had nicked this particular bottle from James’ ‘secret stash’ which everyone knew he hid under his cloak, under the stairs. It was all too easy for the two of you to sneak in and borrow it for the time being. 

“You know, Prongs must be real blind if he can’t see how many people actually know about his hiding spots.” You snickered as you took the glass from Sirius and took a sip.

“I think it might be all the brain damage after getting hit in the head so many times.” He grinned.

“How long do you think it’ll be until he notices the actual bottle being gone? A few days?”

“Give him some credit, it’ll be at least a week.”

The two of you chuckled before you heard the fireplace roar with flames. Footsteps quickly made their way towards Sirius’ room before heading towards the bathroom.

A panicked look between the two of you was exchanged as a knock was heard on the door. 

“Pads? It’s me, I’m coming in.”

Sirius quickly took the glass of Firewhiskey back from you as you dived underwater, praying the bubbles would cover up the fact you were there. 

The door opened and James stepped in about to say something, before he stopped and observed the scene before him. Sirius was sat covered in bubbles with candles lit around him. Despite the calm expression on his face, the fact you were lying between his legs in the water had his heart racing. 

“Did you need something, Prongs?”

“Uh, yeah, have you seen the bottle of Firewhiskey which I was given as a gift for my wedding?” James asked, very obviously looking at the opened bottle on the side of the bath. 

“Didn’t even know you got given one, mate. This was from Y/N.”

“And if I ask her, will she give me the same story?”

“Positively. Anything else?”

“Yeah, you want to order some Chinese?” 

“I mean I- NO!” 

His outburst was a surprise to both James and himself after you had pinched him underwater signalling you were running out of air.

“Really? Lily’s got me on this diet and-”

“James! Get out!”

“Fine! Okay! No need to shout at me, I’ve seen you in weirder scenarios.”

James left and shut the door behind him just as soon as you jolted up, gasping for breath. 

“I’m sorry, he wouldn’t leave! He wanted to ask me if I fancied some Chinese.”

“Chinese?” You asked, turning to look at him over your shoulder with a contemplative look on your face. “I could go for some chow mein.”

“Prongs!” Taking a deep breath, you disappeared underwater again just before James appeared once more. “I’ll have a large chow mein, sweet and sour chicken, some of those prawn cracker things and the spring rolls.”

“Spring rolls? I swear only Y/N likes them.”

“Thought I’d try them out since as she’s always yapping on about them.”

“Alright, back in a bit.”

James left and shut the door again. You emerged from the water, leaning back on Sirius again as he relayed off what he’d ordered. 

“You ordered me spring rolls?!”

“Yeah, I remembered you liked them.” Sirius shrugged, wrapping his arm around your waist again. “Even if they taste like arse.”

The group had gathered at Marlene and Y/N’s for an evening where despite Lily’s constant health kicks, she relented into ordering pizza for the group. 

“Hey, you guys will never guess what I found out today.” Marlene grinned.

“You’re secretly a guy?” Sirius snickered from the armchair, only to receive a cushion being thrown at his face by the blonde. 

“No,” Marlene scowled at him, “Alice and Frank got engaged!” 

“What?! How’d you find out?” Lily asked as she cuddled up to James in the other armchair. 

“I ran into Alice at Headquarters earlier and she showed me her ring.” Marlene leant back into the sofa as she brought her legs up to lay them over Remus’ lap. “We best be getting ready for another wedding soon.”

“I’m sure we’ll hear more at the meeting tomorrow.” James said grinning. “Who knew Longbottom had it in him?!”

“Alice certainly did.” You snickered, leaning onto Remus’ other shoulder. The comment got another round of chuckles from everyone present as Lily shot you a less than impressed look. 

“Alright, I say let’s call it a night if we have to be at the meeting early tomorrow morning.” The redhead rolled her eyes at you all before standing up and brushing her dress down. 

Everyone else seemed to follow her lead as Marlene and you stood to show everyone out. 

“Yeah, I need to sleep as much as I can with Moony’s snoring keeping me up all night.” Sirius grinned, stepping up beside you and Remus. 

What no one expected to happen was for Sirius to dip and find your lips in a kiss, his hand wrapping around the back of your neck to pull you closer, just as he had done for the last few weeks. 

The rest of the group stood with slack jaws as they took in the scene before them as they watched Sirius kiss you. Pulling away, you caught each other’s eyes as realisation set in and your own eyes went wide. 

“Marls,” Sirius shook off his slight hesitation before heading straight over to Marlene and pulling her in for a kiss of her own. “Lily.”

Stepping forward to give Lily a kiss goodbye, Sirius couldn’t help but notice the wide eyed look from both James at kissing his wife and Remus at kissing his sister. 

“Pleasure to spend time with you all.” Sirius grinned at everyone’s expressions before entering the fireplace to floo back to his own flat. 

“What the hell was that?!” Remus asked with wide eyes, securely on you. 

“Probably some leftover greeting from Lily and James’ wedding. Lils did have some french cousins, perhaps he picked it up from them?” You chuckled, trying to play down the laugh you so wanted to let out. 

“Yeah, it did feel french.” Marlene snickered. “I’m not sure if I feel happy about saying that I’ve kissed Sirius Black though.”

“Well, he can keep his lips to himself and not on my wife.” James scowled at the fireplace where Sirius had disappeared moments before. 

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