#chris pontius

[tonymarias]

many such cases

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Secret Santa with the Jackass Guys HC’s!

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, crude humor, dildos, sex toys, porn, lingerie

An: Thank you so much for the request, @rainydayz-nstuff, and happy holidays! I couldn’t reply to your request directly, so I attached it to the post :) I think that’s a very interesting tradition, and when I read your message I just knew it would suit the Jackass guys well! Thank you for sending it in, and please keep sending requests! :D

The giddy smile on Knoxville’s face as he stood on your doorstep did a great job at distracting you from what he was holding

“Merry Christmas!” Thrusting the wicker basket into your arms before he shimmied past into the warmth of your place, “If it ain’t colder than Frosty’s jockstrap out there…”

It took a bit of silicone grazing your cheek to realize what you were holding- dildos. So many dildos.

All different sizes and colors with a couple fantasy ones thrown in there, little pink ribbons tied below the heads. Cute…

As everyone got ready to draw names, you realized that you had nothing to draw out of so you settled for Bam’ beanie.

“What the hell’s on your hand-“ Ryan reached for your wrist as you clutched a slip of paper. Eyes going wide with realization, he sputtered out between laughs, “Dude- that’s Bam grease!”

That earned him a stiff punch in the shoulder.

Examining the Dumbest Asshole in Hip Hop CD and the coupon code to Steve’s website you received, you really had to go out on a limb to guess who brought it…

But he didn’t have much shame, holding up his hands in faux guilt before diving into the package in front of him.

Bam was eager to brag about what he brought as Steve shuffled through a stack of dvds,

“Yeah- I did this interview with Hustler, an’ I asked if they’d pay me in videos!” Grinning, Bam gloated like this was any sort of thing to brag about, “Asked for the craziest shit they got…”

More surprising than the weird, kinky porn was the year long subscription to American Grizzly that came with it.

“Hey, Knoxville! I think I got your birthday present covered this year…”

Looking at how Chris was beaming as he unwrapped it, there was no question who gifted Ryan the black banana hammock

Cocking your head, you examined the shimmery rhinestones as he held it stretched between his thumbs, “Y’know, I thought this kinda thing’d be more Bam’s ballpark…”

Dunn replied, “No, yeah- he’s gonna love it tonight.”

But some of the presents were more typical. Take, for example, the oversized bottle of liquor in the shape of a nude woman that Pontius received

As he ran his fingers over some of it’s more, ahem- detailed assets, he chuckled in that sweet, dumb way that made you forget he was lusting over blown glass,

“Woah…she really is my kinda lady!”

With how Bam reacted when he got his gift, you would’ve thought he was just handed a puppy for Christmas.

“Are the- holy shit! I got ‘em!” Grinning eagerly, he clutched the basket of dildos.

Immediately, the question on everyone’s tongues was what one person could ever do with that. In all likelihood, he’d probably end up stashing them around his friends’ homes like some demented prank,

But he smugly replied with a wink that a gentleman never tells.

“A gentleman? Since when were you a gentleman?” you asked.

But nothing would compare to the reaction your gift elicited,

Proudly displaying the sexy little leather number you picked out at the local lingerie store in all it’s lacy glory, Johnny got that glint in his eye like whenever he was about to do something awful,

“That reminds me- I still gotta take those Christmas card photos…”

And sure enough, he did.

[stephengloversgf]

This picture is everything and more

[hailthedoll]

ryans laugh. stoppppppp itttttttt😭😭😭😭😭

[endless-shrimp-tour]

[dcrlvz]

real

[chillinparker]

[thepeachyouhadtopick]

i wish i could tell u all how often i remember that johnny knoxville and chris pontius are ok with period sex. i don't know how many times i think about this a week but it's a LOT

[haggarrd]

Oh girl I have made some Jackass Sunday stickers

[tonymarias]

this is a joke I owe all jackass fanfic writers still writing in 2024 my fucking life

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

“Hello, Nurse!”

Y/N, the fresh faced medic on the Jackass set, cannot seem to catch a break from the guys on set, especially after Knoxville comes up with a plan to welcome her into the family. But who can blame them? She’s pretty fun to mess with…

Johnny Knoxville X Fem!Reader, Bam Margera X Fem!Reader, Steve-O X Fem!Reader, Chris Pontius X Fem!Reader, Ryan Dunn X Fem!Reader

(Fluff, angst)

1.9k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, blood kink, medical settings, wound description, hazing, nudity, premature ejaculation, snakes, hangovers

An: Thank you so much for sending in requests!! I find that I really like writing Y/N’s with vivid personalities, wether it be very outspoken or, like in this fic, shy ones! I think there’s a lot of really cute and funny scenarios that could come from reader inserts that are just as vivid as the guys themselves! XD Anyways, thank you for the requests and please keep sending them!!

Your eyes went a little wide at what was sitting in front of you. At the time you took up this job, you were expecting to disinfect superficial wounds and, worst case scenario, have to splint a sprained ankle. Tending to an anaconda bite wasn’t exactly what you had in mind, much less eight of them at a time, but today that’s what Johnny was sporting when he walked into the medic trailer and hopped up on the exam table. Looking up at you through the tint of his sunglasses, he seemed oddly at ease as he watched you carefully inspect his muscular forearms- the way his blood trickled down in thin, shiny ribbons to drip off of his fingertips and onto the floor. Sensing your concern, Johnny tried to crack a joke after you nervously mumbled something about getting him on some antibiotics, “Y’know, they oughta get that snake on antibiotics!”

Going about cleaning Johnny’s wounds, you gently steadied one of his hands with yours, dashing the thought of how the way his hands were bigger than yours made you feel as you doused his arm in rubbing alcohol. “Did that hurt…?” You knew grown men to wail like babies when you disinfected their wounds, but the only reaction you got out of Knoxville was a wince and a slight flexing of his muscles. He shook his head, although you could tell from the way he was half talking through his teeth that he was trying to play it cool in front of you, “No, ma’am. Not a bit.” With nimble fingers, you wrapped Johnny’s arms in gauze, trying not to fumble at the way he was staring at you while you worked. “I swear, Y/N- you’ve got the hands of an angel…” A pink blush spread across your cheeks as you tried to hide how the affection in that comment got to you, much to his satisfaction.

Johnny’s sense of humor made you feel the most constérnale around him out of all the guys, but that isn’t to say you were totally at ease. Not only were you new on set, you had never worked on a set in the first place! Fresh out of med school, you were searching for a job and caught an ad in the yellow pages for someone with basic medical training. You ended up taking the place of the previous medic, Ed: this big, rough and tumble old dude whose job didn’t so much entail bandaging injuries and handing out ice packs as it involved handing out pills for a living. I mean, he was good at it, but there’s only so much OxyContin and Percocet can take care of.

So when he got moved onto another set by the union, that’s where you came in. Cue a week of everyone asking where the medic was, only for you to have to tell them that yes, you were the medic- and given the fact you were on a Jackass set, there was no way you were avoiding getting pranked. It was actually Bam who discovered your skittishness first given his general brash personality, but that gave Johnny this genius idea: you were the perfect person to fuck with! Consider it a friendly bout of hazing to welcome you into the family. He got all the guys together one day before filming, whispering barely out of your earshot, “Okay- this girl is really nervous, so next time any of you get hurt, just- fuck with her a little. It’ll be hilarious!” Everyone agreed that it would make for some good footage and they all enlisted to try and find fun and inventive ways to freak out the cute medic girl. Nobody was more excited for this than Bam.

Your nose was buried in one of the horribly unorganized medical kits you were given on your first day when your ears perked up at the sound of Bam’s voice, “Hey, Y/N-'' When you turned your head, he didn’t even make two steps into the trailer before he turned his back to you, dropped his baggy jeans to his ankles, and bent over, “I got stuck in the ass with somethin’- does it look alright?” Hell, before this, Bam did nothing but tease you day in and day out, and now you were staring at his essentially naked body.

“U-uh…Looks good!” Your voice jumped nearly an octave when you responded. Given the fact none of the guys ever wore shirts on set, you got a good look at the way his toned back muscles flexed with his movement as he turned around to you, entirely deadpan, “I know it looks good- but what about the injury?” At least to your trained eye, you couldn't discern anything wrong with his pasty white ass, so all you did was mumble something about how if the pain persists he should come back later, while you ushered him out. Stumbling as he pulled his pants up, Bam chuckled, “Oh, I will!”

The second he stepped out of the door, Knoxville was standing there with the camcorder, barely out of your line of sight. Bam was still buckling up his pants as he gleefully recounted to the camera, “Dude, she was freakin’ out so bad- I thought she was gonna pass out!” I mean, it was kinda expected, given the way he had been chasing you around and pestering you like some kinda schoolyard bully for the past week, but god it made for some amazing footage. “D’you think we could get Steve-O in there ne-“ Johnny was cut off by the sound of shattering glass somewhere onset. “Nevermind.”

Besides Knoxville, Steve was the only one who had a major injury when he walked into the trailer- well, walked as well as he could. See, they were filming this awesome stunt which involved him going through a bunch of tube lights on his skateboard, as he explained to you from where he sat on the table, and the obvious happened- lots of glass, even more blood. “It looks rad though, right?” Just like Johnny, he didn’t seem that perturbed by what happened, idly swaying his legs as blood ran hot down his calves and soaked into his socks. Swallowing, you were at least happy to finally be able to do what you were being paid for and you set to work on, inspecting the damage.

It was mostly his legs, but the tiny shards of glass stuck in Steve’s skin that shimmered like crushed ice littered the whole left side of his body. The part you were most concerned about was his face- I mean duh, he’s a movie star and to your knowledge that’s how he makes a living- so you started there, leaning close and gently tilting his head to one side. And the thing is it’s not that often a girl like you gets that close to a guy like Steve- sure, he made out with sluts at the bar every other night, but to have this absolute angel of a woman right there, tending to him so sweetly, looking at him with those pretty doe eyes- god, he could practically feel your breath against his skin. It was just too much.

“I can’t do this. I’m out.” Excusing himself, Steve hopped off of the table, leaving you blinking in confusion. “But- we’re not finished…?” Turning back to you, he spoke over his shoulder, “Yes, I am.” In your head, you wrote it off as another case of celebrities being divas, but he was long gone before you could stop him and Johnny was eagerly waiting outside. “Hey, man- how’d it go?” Steve’s sigh of defeat told him it was mission failure even before he mimed out what happened: jerk off motion in front of the crotch, then palms in the air. And as Steve went off to go clean himself up, Knoxville set to work on a new plan.

“Y'know, I was a nurse once too!” Chris chuckled, leaning against a counter top, “I was in Thailand working at this monkey hospital, which isn’t all that different from what you do now that I think about it!” You first assumed he was stopping by to chat, which you didn’t mind because he was a nice guy and you always loved listening to his stories from Wildboyz, but that wasn't the case. “Anyways, the reason I came here was-“ Your eyes went wide and you let out a little squeak as, for the second time that day, a man dropped trou in the medical tent, “Y’see, a snake bit my snake!”

Well, they didn’t cover this in medical school. Stumbling over your words, you asked him the routine snake bite questions- it wasn’t a venomous snake and the wound wasn’t even bleeding, but it was certainly an infection risk, so you ended up settling for applying some neosporin and bandaging him up. The feeling of the cold goo on his skin made Chris giggle a bit as you gingerly dabbed it on, and right as you were kneeling down in front of him in maybe the most intimate position you could be in, he decides to speak up, “Y’know, you’d look great in one of those little nurse uniforms!” Averting your eyes as hard as you could, you stuttered, “ I’ll, uh- I’ll think about that…” From the looks of it, Chris was probably thinking about that right now.

And of course someone just had to stumble in on that scene. It was Ryan, who didn’t seem to pay any attention to the incredibly suggestive display going on in front of him. He nonchalantly took a seat in one of the plastic chairs in the corner of the room and leaned his head back, waiting patiently with his eyes closed. Once you got Chris’ pants up and rushed him out, you grabbed a new pair of nitrile gloves as you went to where Ryan was sitting, “How can I help you?” Blinking awake behind his sunglasses, he sat up a bit straighter, “Oh, yeah- I’m just,” Ryan sighed, “really hungover right now…can I get some aspirin or something?”

Finally, something you could take care of! “Oh, of course! If you’d like, you could lay down for a few minutes.” Ryan watched you grab some pills from the cabinet and a Dixie cup of water with a smile on your face. God, Steve was right - this chick really is an angel. “Thanks.” He threw the pills back and took a swig of the water. “You know, I don’t know how you do it- takin’ care of us idiots.” To put it this way, if he had your job, stitching up morons who hurt themselves for fun, he would’ve put in his two weeks a while ago. But the fact that they hurt themselves on purpose never seemed to get in the way of the fact you were genuinely happy to help, no matter the circumstance. “Really, it’s no problem! I, uh…I guess I just like making people feel better.”

“Dude- what’s the holdup?” Two hours elapsed from the time Ryan went in the tent to the time he left, and Johnny heard nothing from him in that time. That was because shortly after you gave him those pills- think ten minutes- he was out cold. But the day was slow, and you didn’t see any purpose in waking him, so you decided to let him sleep off whatever was bothering him. Half awake, Ryan put a hand on Knoxville’s shoulder. “That woman needs a raise.”

[catty33]

This is literally me

[dumbtough]

[starmangarrett]

SILVER FUCKIN’ FOXVILLE

[chillinparker]

[viva-la-axe]

jackass and impractical jokers r basically father and son.