#‘but I’m autistic and in pain’ who the fuck cares there are so many people who have it worse who deserve things more than you

[imaybe5tupid]

if you see absolutely anything that has kabru in it. And are unable to stop yourself from making it about L/abru (even when Laios doesn’t even appear or is irrelevant to the content in question!) and reduce kabrus entire deuteragonist-level character into wanting to fuck laios. I’m stealing something out of your house!!!!!

disclaimer: If you ship l/abru and gaf about kabru and don’t do this then this post isn’t about you 🤓

[a-polite-melody]

I’m trapped

I’m stuck here because I’m too shit to do anything about it myself

And the worst part is that I was out

For six months I was out

And since I had to go back in all anything has done is make it less and less possible that I’ll ever get out again

I should just fucking kill myself

[poppitron360]

Someone sent me an ask ages ago about my Valdangelo hcs, but it somehow got deleted? I’m really really sorry bc I missed a chance of a lifetime to infodump so I hope you’re reading this if that was you and you’ve been waiting for my response- here it is. Please please please don’t be discouraged I love it when people send me asks.

This also doubles up as the third instalment of my series about “Why Literally Any Ship Is Better Than Caleo/Deep-Dive Into My Thoughts On All Leo Ships”:

Pt. 1 Valzhang

Pt. 2 Valgrace

We were robbed of Leo and Nico’s friendship. I get that there are a lot of characters and so many arcs to give them, but I wish that Rick had given them more time to interact and spent less time on Caleo, because tbh we never really cared about Cal for any reason other than to develop the men’s arcs. Because Platonic Valdangelo has so much potential that just isn’t covered in the books, I’m gonna base most of this post on what COULD’VE been, from fannon and headcannons.

1. They are Trauma Twinsies. By that, I mean they are both metaphors for different ways of coping with loss. Nico pushes others away from himself, not wanting to get close to anyone. Leo pushes himself away from others, hiding behind an idealised version of himself. Both believe that letting others in would just lead to rejection, and so they shut everyone out to protect themselves. But I feel like Nico copes with it a lot better than Leo does. He has an outlet for it- being emo. As someone who dabbles with emoism myself, I can tell you that, for me, wearing those clothes actually makes me incredibly happy. Nico is owning his pain. Leo is bottling it all up inside and then hiding it behind the jokes and the smiles. I feel like Nico could teach Leo to let it out a bit.

2. Also, their backstories match in more ways than one. Both their moms were killed because of a prophecy about them- leading them both to blame themselves for their deaths. Both have been treated as outcasts because of their powers, Nico by CHB and CJ, Leo by his family (and probably CHB as well, though we don’t really see how he was treated after revealing his abilities). Both ran away because of that. Both probably have religious trauma. They’ve both lost everyone they’ve ever cared about. They’re both being smothered with love and affection by Jason and the rest of the fandom. They both cope with feeling alone by spending more time talking to things that aren’t alive, Nico to the dead, Leo to his machines.

3. So imagine how they could seek comfort in each other! They’ve both been through similar things, so they understand each other’s pain way better than the others. I mean, Jason means well, but he’s never truly known what it’s like to be an outcast- he was held aloft on a golden shield and pronounced Preator. Neither of them would try to “fix” the other, and they wouldn’t try to “one up” the other either. They just share, and when the other says “that sucks”, they know that they really mean it. I imagine they sit five feet apart and just cry. No talking necessary, just silent understanding passing between them. They keep each other company, because they both know what it’s like to be alone.

4. They are both autistic (headcannon). Thank you to @aroaceleovaldez for opening my eyes to this one, and in fact making me realise a few things about myself and why I relate to Leo and Nico so much (pls go check out their posts on the subject, they do a much better job at explaining it than me). But it’s true. I don’t know if Rick did it intentionally or not, but I henceforth hath claimed them both as my kin, alongside Hephaestus himself (“I don’t understand organic life forms”- me neither, man, me neither). Leo and Nico communicate on the same wavelength, something Caleo doesn’t do. Calypso explodes at him for not fitting the “hero” stereotype, for being different. She has no patience with Leo when he does a social fuck-up, something I personally find incredibly frustrating. When he does something wrong, she just shouts at him, and doesn’t take the time to explain what he should do differently. No wonder Leo immediately got defensive! Here was this random woman yelling at him because he broke her table, and he didn’t understand what he did wrong.

5. They are both tiny- much like how Leo and Frank’s physical appearances symbolise their differences, Leo and Nico’s symbolise their similarities. Because all sad people are short, apparently. Valzhang is the yin and the yang, Valdangelo is just two yins excitedly info-dumping about their special interests, (Mythomagic, Machinery/Dragons). Their shortness could be metaphors for many things that they have in common, but I think it best symbolises their loss of childhoods. Nico has changed a lot since he was that happy little ten-year-old we first met in ttc, but Rick never lets us forget that he’s still just a kid. Leo always lacked the physical advantage in fights, so he’s had to learn from an early age to use his brains and his wits to defend himself. As a result, he grew up way too fast, but he still projects that silly, hyperactive little-boy energy as a way to mask. Calypso ridicules Leo for his height and his scrawny appearance.

6. Nico could let Leo get closure on his mom. Think about it. He’d be able to summon her, let him make peace, and let him realise that she does not blame him for her death. Nico could console Leo, reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, because Nico understands more than anybody what Leo is going through. This helps Leo on his arc way more than Calypso could, help him get closure, and learn to accept himself and his powers.

So, the summary of all these points is: They can understand each other on ANOTHER LEVEL. More than Cal and Leo ever could.

Like I said in my Valzhang post, it doesn’t have to be romantic. I hate that everything revolves around romance. Platonic relationships are important, y’all! We all need them, especially Leo, considering how insecure he feels about being the “seventh wheel”.

What ship should I do next? These are all the ones I actively ship, but anything’s better than Caleo. Liper could be fun, or Perleo. Maybe, to prove that literally anything is better than Caleo, I’ll do Leo x Octavian? Lmk in the comments.

[imaginarylungfish]

AUDHD 👏 GOJO 👏

I’m right there with you so, in true AuDHD style, I’m zooming into your inbox to infodump because I’m ALWAYS desperate to scream about this (shout out to @ellionwrites for patiently and compassionately listening to my unpolished rambles about a lot of this stuff in private)!

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about 236 and how it’s Gojo’s “unmasking”. That chapter is really emotional for me because of how well it articulates my personal experience of navigating the world as an autistic person. This post (and especially its tags) from right after it came out says it in a much more concise way, but Gojo’s upset pout breaks my heart because, to me, that's evidence of “no matter how much you try, people will misunderstand you” and damn… that hits a little close to home 🥲

It’s why his death had such a strong impact on me, especially when it felt like half the internet was ignoring the actual words Gojo said to claim “he never cared about that stuff, he was arrogant from the start and you just misread him". In combination with “it was the best ending for a character like Gojo" — right after we find out how deeply lonely he’s been, never able to truly connect with anyone after Geto left? Well, it was mindblowingly meta and, therefore, pretty painful to read.

I wrote an analysis of Gojo’s character in 236 and, even though I wasn’t viewing him through an autistic lens for that particular post, I think my words under the cut still read that way — that’s how baked into his character I think this stuff is! I genuinely think the two pairs of sorcerers sitting with their backs to each other is a visual representation of the double empathy problem. I'm not sure autistic and allistic people can ever arrive at a place where we fully understand each other, but that doesn’t mean autistic people have to carry all the burden and remain isolated. That’s why it’s meaningful that Gege makes it clear that all the characters care about each other, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye.

Glad to see you shouting about this reading of his character, because I haven’t seen many people talking about it. Some people are very hostile to ND headcanons, especially for characters as popular as Gojo, which is why I haven’t really talked about it much myself. However, I feel like any fellow AuDHDers who read my fic must be side-eying me constantly because I don’t think I’m subtle about how I write Gojo’s character at ALL 🤪

Maybe it’s time to be brave and publicly share my 236 AuDHD!Gojo manifesto for the five of us who are standing in a circle screaming about this! Cheering you on and sending lots of love ♥️

Ahhhhh thank you so much for this infodump!!!! I was on a AuDHD!Gojo rampage last night as my brain worm hit right as I should have been going to sleep. But such are things....

Like idk why it didn't truly hit me until now, but I can't unseen Gojo as AuDHD. (It was probably because I re-watched "Everything's Gonna be Okay" with some AuDHD representation and then I started thinking of other AuDHD characters and immediately thought of Gojo.) I did play with the idea a few months back, but it hit me with full force yesterday.

Idk like I get a little annoyed with people who think I or others like Gojo just because "he's hot" because like okay fine yes (but also I think I just have gender envy but that's a whole other can of worms). But also, no no no that's not it! My love for Gojo is more than that! He speaks to me as a character. He's misunderstood. He's seen as something he isn't. In my eyes, he's neurodivergent (and queer). And Geto was the only other person who ever saw him for who he really was.

Gojo's death was really hard on me. I remember exactly where I was when I read that chapter. And then the airport. Fuck. EmOtIOns. At first, I tried understanding Nanami's words. I really did. But really, I just didn't if I'm honest. Those words were a shock to me. Like yeah okay he's selfish (but like aren't all humans?). He also helps though! Isn't that obvious? And at the end? He wanted to have an equal to go all out with in a fight. Again, why was that bad? He was also helping! What's the issue? He's a fallible human. Like you said in your analysis, he contains multitudes. What's wrong with that?

So, like many others, I thought maybe I misread Gojo. But no. Now I think the missing piece was that Gojo is AuDHD and Nanami didn't quite get that. He didn't understand Gojo's actions. (And ahh god that lil pout. Gojo was just living his life and people saw him but they never ~saw~ him.)

I think the visual of the sorcerers back-to-back is a great metaphor for the double empathy problem. I never saw it that way, but I see it now and like it! And I think you're so right with the fact that the characters still respect and support each other even if they don't understand each other fully. I think that's a theme woven throughout the story.

Blahhh I feel like there is so much textual support for AuDHD Gojo. Like him being blindsided by Geto's defection because he didn't see Geto's decline (and don't get me started about Autistic!Geto with his strict black-and-white thinking), him just blabbing about sweets when he meets up with Megumi before fighting one-finger Sukuna at the beginning, the fact he thought revealing Yuuji to his classmates at the exchange event would be funny (cause hey, I thought it would too until it happened and I saw oh hey, it wasn't), etc. Plus, his blindfold. His overall personality. Like, it's such a heavy mask. Now I see that.

I feel like people either love Gojo or they hate him. (I immediately gobbled up your analysis and 100% agree. And I think people's reactions to his death are pretty telling.)

So, thank you for the yummy AuDHD!Gojo content. Please feel free to send me more/link me to things. I feel like I have a million more things to say but my brain is jumping all over the place and I've already spent 40 minutes this morning on this when I should have been getting ready for work. Hehe, whoops.

Gojo is AuDHD. I will die on this hill. Let's keep staring and screaming at each other about this. Sending you good vibes and love as well 🤍

[feybeasts]

Please don’t take from this any conclusions that I’m not trying to make here but.

I don’t fear dying anymore. Or at least- it doesn’t scare me like it used to. When I was younger, it terrified me, the notion that all this would come to an end someday. I dug deep into so very many… systems of belief, so many words of people wiser than I, and nothing seemed to sate the fear, nothing would bring me peace- it was like I couldn’t live anymore, and when my dad grew ill, it became a fever pitch. Eventually it wasn’t so much that I got over it, but I just got so… worn down, so bombarded with fear and anxiety and hurt that I just couldn’t dredge up the sensations anymore.

And when he died, I… cried, sure, I wanted him back, but there was a funeral to speak at, people to care for, I couldn’t grieve overmuch because like it or not, I had to keep living. And somehow, some way, I did.

I spent almost a decade like that. Just… carrying on. I wasn’t more than 25 years old when he passed away, still a kid in so many ways, especially with the struggles I was already facing, being autistic, anxious, facing traumatic stress I didn’t have a name for. I lived, despite the fear, despite the hanging, painful inevitability of it all.

And then, my childhood best friend lost her life to cancer. And my cat I had raised from a kitten. And my grandparents. Death after death after death.

And I stopped feeling anything- because each time, I was just… expected to be there. To be the strong one, the person that showed up. That was the mask I wore, there was no room to be anything else. I became hardened to it all. Loved ones just… slipped through my fingers, and all I could do was show up, little more than a black dog hanging at the edges of a half dozen cemeteries.

I’m not alone in this, I know people have been through worse, far worse. We often say death is one of the inevitable things in this world- “death and taxes” is the joke. And that inevitably haunted me, even if the fear didn’t. Any time I got sick, any time I felt off, any time I went to the doctor, all I could think was “well, is it my turn? Will this be the time they tell me it’s curtains?”

I mean, it felt inevitable, right? I had lost so much, so many people, so… thoughtlessly. Lung cancer, ovarian cancer, MRSA, kidney failure, a fucking… genetic defect. All just bad rolls of the dice, and my luck had never been all that good to begin with.

But the thing is, we can’t really… determine that for ourselves. I mean sure, you can do things that bring you closer, make that irreversible call- I am no stranger to attempts to check out early, I have the scars to prove it- but if you just… go on living, you don’t know when your time is up. And no matter how much you might assume you’re next on the chopping block after so many losses, sometimes you just keep… carrying on anyways.

For all the arrogance we have, for all our damnable pride, we ain’t craftier than the reaper. Maybe that’s for the best.

I’ve “kept carrying on” for the last eight years, regardless of what I thought. Sometimes I still feel like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, like all this, all the good I’ve known, the people I love, like it’s all just… a sweet song on the air, that I just get to listen to it for a little while before someday there’s silence.

When I was young, I was so afraid of when the song ended that I didn’t listen while it played.

Nowadays, I just try to sit back and enjoy the tune.

Nobody knows what’s on the other side of that door. It’s scary to think about. But when my time comes to walk on through, I like to think I’ve at least enjoyed my time here.

And who knows? Maybe death’ll just greet me like an old friend. We’re familiar, them and I- I’ll at least shake their hand and nod that little bit of understanding between us.

It’s the least I can do.

[hazzabeeforlou]

Hi, I’m Toni.

Got a slew of new followers and I’ve been almost inactive the last half a year (at least) so wanted to do an update/intro so you know who I am LOL and so my long suffering fandom besties know what the fuck’s been going on (if anyone still cares rip sorry it’s been forever)

Currently writing this from my sick bed of ear cellulitis? That I got from wearing my mask? It would literally only happen to me. Had to go to urgent care and get a butt shot of antibiotics so it didn’t, you know, spread to my bloodstream :)

Anyways I say that to say that I probably got sick in the first place because I’m incredibly run down right now. The classical music world (im a professional musician) FINALLY opened up again, and to meet gig demands I only work my pandemic retail job once a week. I have been traveling the last four weekends in a ROW, which, due to my chronic pain (which has seen SOME improvement over the last year!!) makes me super duper exhausted and I have to admit tik tok has been getting most of my brain numbing time.

Life post-happy drugs has been tough. I’ve seen improvement in the areas I wanted to, physically, but mentally god. Drugs were nice. Anywho, I’ve done a ton of witchy/ancestral connecting/herbalist kinda things the last six months, and I now have an alter and a spiritual practice that has really brought me a lot of growth and meaning. It’s hard healing from your past when you’re still living IN it… and there’s no improvement with my parents. They’re still homophobic as hell and Republican as fuck, despite screaming matches. The threats of physical violence prevent me from confronting my dad any further. I’ve kind of given up hoping they will ever change.

It’s funny though, I would classify this year as the year I started to “feel” things, and of course that happened physically post the drugs, but also emotionally once I started to let myself FEEL emotions, god what a train wreck. Who knew humans could CRY so much? That emotional revelation led to the probably overdue realization that I’m likely Autistic and high masking, and have been suffering from that classic 30’s wall that “gifted girl high masking autistic children” eventually hit wherein they are no longer able to just push through and ignore. That’s been tough.

Writing has always been how I process and understand emotions, and now that I’ve started to actually FEEL them, it hasn’t become as essential to my functioning as it had been the last six or so years. I miss it, and I plan on finishing all my projects I left behind… as I’ve said many time The Garden part 3 IS coming I promise lol. But! Hopefully. And no promises. But I have the most delightful Christmas fic tucked into my head that I would love to publish this year, if I can find the time to get it on paper.

Okay as for fandom… I did a “growth thing” earlier this year and deleted all the bbygate stuff I’d been saving for the inevitable end. I just can’t anymore. All the photoshop, the blatant exploitation of it all… yeah I think the best option is just not to care. If they’re gonna drag this out for the rest of my life then I’m going to ignore the shit out of it. Speaking of ignoring, I also noped out of the H and O nonsense. God. What a MESS. I liked HH, truly, but the fave for me was Matilda. To be honest with you all, I listened until I grew naturally full of the album and I moved on with my life, it wasn’t world changing to me the way FL was. HOWEVER. FITF? Lord save me i didn’t even know it was coming out and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m fucking obsessed. I’m planning a MP. I genuinely think it’s Louis’ finest work and I can’t get enough of it. Every time I listen I like it MORE. I theorize it’s going to be a slow blooming album that smacks everyone’s expectations in the face. I’m so fucking proud of Louis. I bawled real ugly tears at Common People.

And lastly as always, I believe the boys were in love but I make no claims about their lives now. I enjoy the hints and speculation and love larrying along, but I think they’ve established these personas that are bulletproof to fan speculation these days, and I feel that’s how they truly want it. And that’s cool, won’t stop me from writing Larry because it was the truest gayest baby Star crossed lovers story out there and still makes the best fan fic.

Apologies for the novel but nice to meet you if you’re new HI I’M TRYING TO BE BACK to my old chums, and feel free as always to talk to me, my ask box is always open ❤️

[whovianwholikesgirls]

😍🎵🖋 for Spencer?

-selfshippery

The way I screeched once I found this? Thank you for these. Talking about him gives me an instant serotonin boost

😍: things I like about him.

Okay let’s start with personality first. The man is loyal. Like, ride or die for the people he loves most and when you add boyfriendism on top of that? Holy fucking shit. He’d always make sure me needs were taken care of and obviously I’d do that same for him but just having someone that you know is always going to be your rock is super soothing.

Speaking of being my rock, he’s the most caring guy ever and I know he’d always be there for me. Especially on my grumpy chronic pain days.

All of his autistic traits because I have them too and it’s nice to have someone who understands my brain. Not that it’s a personality trait, our developmental disabilities just happen to line up perfectly. That why I fell in love with him because I knew I could be myself around him.

Started learning about my favorite books and music just too feel closer to me/impress me in the early stages of dating but over time he learned to love them too

I also go on rambles on stuff I’m passionate about and sometimes people are like, “Kate slow down I’m not getting the context.” Which is a fair response it’s just nice to have someone who gets it. Half of the time if I’m on a case in the field working doing tech things instead of doing them at Quantico with Garcia, I’m basically the, “Reid translator.” Which is cute. We could literally talk about books and doctor who all day

One of my favorite self insert scenes is when Spence is explaining the Death Star to Morgan and Morgan goes, “I’m taking back the last 5 minutes of my life.” Instead the scene goes like this:

Me: What was it? Your whole conversation about Morgan with the amount of jewels of energy and the Death Star?

Him: *chuckles* you haven’t even seen Star Wars yet

Me: then teach me, I wanna know. Literally the only thing I know about Star Wars is that Luke and Leia are the good guys and Darth Vader is Luke’s dad

Him: *oh my god I can’t believe I’m dating this person heart eyes* okay, *holds my hand just because after a year of dating he likes the contact until he eventually has to let it go because he gets really excited and started talking with his hands* let’s start at the beginning

The physical stuff. Because he’s him and he’s hot and before I start going on my own ramble I’d like to point out I fell for the emotional stuff first.

His hair, especially seasons 4 and 9. I just want to run my fingers through it and there’s a reason why I set our wedding during the beginning of s4 in cannon because I love the slicked back prince charming hair.

You can literally see everything emotion this man has ever had through his eyes and it makes my heart stop.

Sure he talks with his hand but they’re also very pretty. I’d hold them all day if I could.

I’ve always liked guy who ate lanky so there’s that lol

🎵: Songs that remind me of him/us.

Oh I’ve got two separate playlists. One for just him that’s random songs and one that’s all Taylor Swift songs and remind me of him and our relationship. I recommend my spate as told my Taylor lyrics tag because I assign soooo many good songs/lyrics there. Right now if I had to pick a Taylor song off the top of my head if would be Timeless

A specific Taylor song that’s just Spencer coded is this is me trying

Songs that aren’t Taylor songs that I love

Pancakes for dinner - Lizzy McAlpine

Home and Sink Into You - Deore

🖊️: which one of us would write poetry for the other

A 50/50 split. Mostly me because I’ll admit I write him letters in my journal to decompress, but I bet I could write him some love letters/poems too

I think he would if he had a reason too, not in his spare time like I would. For my birthday, an anniversary, or his wedding vows

[vacantgodling]

Hi Ren I hope you've been doing well :) If you had to pick, who would you say your favourite oc is and what do you like most about them?

hey ish!!! i’m doing okay :’) i hope you’re doing well too & that the parousians is coming along ok!!

i have A Lot of ocs, so it’s hard to pick just one favorite however i’ll give u a couple that i’m really attached to!

hya & amon — i mean it’s kind of obvious i’m obsessed with the two of them lol. they’re kind of a package deal and their dynamic drives me insane in the best way lol. individually, i’d say that i just enjoy how the two of them are so so shaped by their experiences and the lives that they’ve lead, but neither of them will necessarily acknowledge that? it feels realistic to me in a way; messy people who can’t escape the chains of their past until they face it but they just don’t Want to face it. they both are scared of being weak, but it’s really emotional vulnerability that helps pull them out of this loop that they’re in and that’s powerful to me. also their bickering and general attitudes are so fun to write and think about haha.

darren — genuinely i love how his real strength in this whole story is his emotional maturity and his ability to befriend and make connections with other people. he’s not the strongest one there, not by a long shot. but he’s on of the most stable person there; at peace with himself even despite learning things about himself that he never knew before. idk i just want more protags that are defined by their emotional strength lol. also he’s just fucking funny to me. love that guy.

clear brightendale — i don’t talk about tcol nearly as much as i should bc y’all don’t KNOW how obsessed i am with clear mother fucking brightendale he is ONE OF THE BIGGEST BLORBOS. he’s got trauma, he’s struggling, he wants to be good and has a twisty backstory where he feels like he’s terrible, he’s got sexuality trauma, i am imprinting on him i am turning him in the microwave i am kissing him bc he’s my ANGEL.

lath — also a super huge tcol blorbo for me (and a fave of henrike bc they’re intelligent) i just love his perseverance. i love how he’s both revered and feared. how he singlehandledly made it so tcol could even be possible like agH. i also love how off he is. like myths have hero’s sure but those heroes aren’t always like charismatic guys like in his lifetime lath was actually seen as super weird and people didn’t usually like hanging around him (he rarely ever blinks, he’s super blunt, he only really cares about fighting and combat — so many of my characters are autistic coded bc it’s what i deserve) but he!! is a hero. i’m like mad excited for when he actually shows up in the main storyline bc i’m obsessed with him,,

di & toph — similar to amon and hya they’re kind of a package deal. i’ve had and been obsessed with the two of them for so long, part of me kind of mentally refers to them as the precursor to amon and hya bc they kind of are! the only thing is they actually have a much easier time expressing (especially now in this new iteration of them in lukewarm rejection) how they feel about each other and caring for one another. they’re better adjusted. if darren and gabe are on the “super loving and supportive” and amon and hya are the “toxic but they’re good for each other” then di and toph are kind of the middle ground on that lol. toph was the biggest blorbo for the longest for me until hya came to mind lolol. but that punk rock boy will always reign supreme. i love how unapologetically himself he is, and his backstory with the chains no matter how i’ve done it is one of my favorite powers i’ve ever created tbh. di snuck up on me, but he’s similar to clear in the sense that he’s one of my horses for dealing with complex real world esque pain in a way. i love how hard he tries to forge a path for himself and to just be more confident in himself bc mood. and i love how he’s got many contradictions lol :’)

[lonelier-version-of-you]

So I found out from @riverstardis‘s classic Casualty liveblogs recently that there’s an episode (S28E36) with a patient who’s a Doctor Who fan. I thought that sounded fun. So now I’m watching it, and I’m gonna liveblog, because why not.

Edit 1: I was gonna say this is the first episode I’ve seen from while Dylan was away but then I remembered it’s not, I watched another series 28 ep because Katherine Dow Blyton was in it.

Edit 2: Connie and Zoe sharing scenes, I might faint from gorgeousness overload.

Edit 3: And here’s some of our guest characters for the episode, some bloke and the young woman he’s giving literacy lessons to.

Edit 4: Jeff and Dixie!

Edit 5: Oh, it’s fucking Fletch.

Edit 6: I think we’ve just met the Whovian kid. Meanwhile, Fletch is treating a patient and bumping into Tess, and I literally do not care.

Edit 7: The lighting in the hospital in this era is really weird.

Edit 8: Awh, the kid in his little bowtie!!

Edit 9: The kid’s just fallen off a playground climbing thingy that I should know the name for, and simultaneously, his grandma’s having shortness of breath and chest pains. Oof.

Literacy Lesson Man’s girlfriend is also struggling to breathe. Another oof.

Edit 10: Nice to see Fletch has always been useless. Also, insane to think that less than a decade after this he was literally CEO.

Edit 11: Oh hi there Ash.

Edit 12: Ethan and the Whovian kid is SO cute.

Edit 13: Is this kid giving off autism vibes or is it just me?

Edit 14: Whovian kid’s mum is going to prison!! Now that’s a plot twist.

Edit 15: The Whovian kid’s grandma keeps saying she’s fine, so she’s definitely not.

Edit 16: Zoe Hanna come back to us challenge.

Edit 17: Jeff suggesting Dixie could roleplay her upcoming interview regarding a patient complaint or whatever, Big Mac shakes his head. Jeff: “I don’t know why you’re shaking your head, you’re going to be the interviewer!” Big Mac: “Why can’t you be the interviewer?” Jeff: “Because I shall be watching and giving notes!” 😂

Edit 18: Dixie is great.

Edit 19: Connie being in the same scene as Fletch feels so odd.

Edit 20: Connie and Zoe in their rivalry era!

Edit 21: Poor Whovian kid, being treated by Fletch the Bland.

Edit 22: Oh no, two of the guest characters are running on the road!

Edit 23: Welp, guest characters had a near-miss with a car but haven’t been hit yet.

Edit 24: OH THERE WE GO. A ton of fencing or something just fell on one of the guest characters. Ouch.

Edit 25: And there we go, Whovian Kid’s grandma is most certainly not fine. Also, oh hey, here’s Robyn.

Edit 26: Dixie conveniently walks by and sees the guy who had the fencing fall on him. 😂

Edit 27: The fancy camera angles while Dixie was running up the stairs for her interview made me dizzy.

Edit 28: “Sorry... I got caught up in an emergency. *brushes dust off her jacket*” I love Dixie.

Edit 29: Literacy Lesson Bloke just died, oof. And now his wife and his student are fighting. Yikes.

The good news is, Whovian Kid’s grandma is fine.

Edit 30: Whovian Kid’s mum just said he doesn’t like being with people he doesn’t know. Yeaaah, definitely autistic.

Edit 31: My goodness Connie looks stunning.

Edit 32: Noel, my love, I miss you.

Edit 33: Funny how many characters from this era kept switching jobs! Louise, Big Mac...

Edit 34: Connie asks Zoe to go for a drink with her. Zoe: “What, like a date?”

Edit 35: Ah, the staff setting it up so the kid and his family can watch Doctor Who together. Cute.

Edit 36: I mean this scene DOES look like Zoe and Connie are on a date.

Edit 37: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT FLETCH.

Edit 38: Why did Tess ever go for Fletch? She could do so much better.

Edit 39: NOEL I MISS YOU.

Edit 40: Connie in her trying to get the clinical lead job era.

Edit 41: It’s no wonder Dylan and Zoe were so close. They both hate having to do management stuff.

[kingmystrie]

Well, you asked for this. So why the fuck not. It helps me get this off my chest

You know why I’m mad at you? You really want the answer to that? I’m mad at you because it felt like you were never my fucking friend. You always acted cold, like you didn’t actually care that someone TRUSTED you enough to talk to you about their problems. It felt like my fucking vents were just there for you to analyze and pick apart like I was the fucking test subject for your stupid psychology major! Do you know how fucking DEMEANING it is! To trust someone enough to share your struggles? And for them to try and fucking diagnose you with this that and everything in between! It fucking sucks, it’s dehumanizing! It felt like you were just giving me the cold shoulder! You didn’t even pretend to care in the slightest! No fake sympathy, not even pity! Just nothing! Blankness! Slowly but surely, I wanted to distance myself more and more because it didn’t even feel like you were my friend at this point! It felt like I was talking to wall! Was I even your friend at that point? Did you actually care? Did my friendship even mean ANYTHING to you? Or was it all just a pretty lie just like all the others that lied to me about being my friend? That would’ve just thrown me away in the end once they were done playing with like a broken doll? I didn’t stick around till find out! So I ran away. And now, I have the opportunity to do this for myself for some fucking form of closure. If you know who I am, then by all means, try to reach out! I don’t care at this point anymore, I have to sleep soon anyways. I just needed to scream this. Finally. Let this out. Good night!

The reason i started talking to you less was’t because you were venting a lot or anything, i stopped talking as much because you wouldn't join any of the conversations I started or were having with other people. You didn't show that much interest in my art or any of my interests do I just kinda figured we didn't have any shared interests anymore, especially since I can't really enjoy pokemon as much as I used to. I have had to deal with so much BS from people in DA groups that literally looking at a picture of pawmi makes my heart rate go up. It's really difficult to find motivation to talk to someone who just doesn't seem to want to talk to you cause they show no interest in you. Which I don't find it a slight against me but it's just not sustainable for a friendship.

As for how I handled your vents, I didnt analyze or pick apart things. I didn't use you for my psychology major that would’ve violated many ethical guidelines and also I'm sure would be 100% illegal. I don't remember trying to diagnose anyone with anything, though I probably mentioned things to look into because I'm someone who has used information on diagnostics as a launching point to find mental exercises to better myself and understand how I interact with people. Like at this point im sure im not autistic but knowing about autism helped me find things that did help me feel better about myself and just function in life better.

I just gave advice because you were my friend and that's what friends do, they try to help each other. At least I thought I was helping.

I'm not a very warm or empathetic person, it doesn't come naturally to me. I know that, but it hurts that you didn't notice that I was trying my best. I want my friends to feel good about themselves because it makes me happier.

I'm not someone who likes being passive about my own problems or wallowing in my pain, so i assumed that you needed a nudge to get places like how many people nudged me to work on myself. Because that stuff helped me so I thought it would help you.

I wasn't planning some machinations to profit off of or anything, I'm just bad at socializing because the vast majority of people I've ever met have been abusive to me.

[bayouette]

Maybe because I’m #enlightened because I have two close relatives with higher needs/intellectual disability autism, but some people want to “cure autism” as a beneficial thing for their children so they can live “full” lives and not for eugenics shit (disabled people pollute the blood line) right? Growing up I wanted to study neuroscience to cure autism because it affected (so called “took energy out of”) the women in my life so much. All of us are aware that my cousin is alive and deserves to be alive and is able to love and have likes and dislikes and we love him so much we would do anything for them you still have to recognize that he will never have a “normal life”. Possibly a “bad life” because of it. And it’s kinda like oh that’s why autism is a disability.

So that’s why even though I am a “#gtkidburnout kid who turned out to be high masking autistic” I recognize that I am the minority with what is actually autism. Many times I think I am more OCD or anxious than having high sensory over loud (which I do) or having trouble communicating (which I do, but I can hold a professional conversion in so called “masking” even though it pains me to look them in the face and I’m sweating and wishing to kill myself”. My uncle or cousin could never do anything other than simple or physical or “disciplinary’ (don’t run away from me don’t run into the street please youre my baby im scared you might die or get taken advantage love I’m so tired I loved you more than I love my anxious maybe sub-clinical daughters but maybe just a little anxious and antisocial, if you’re beautiful soul ever got hurt before me—) therapy. Showing love in our family was taken care of them if something happened to their parents. My mom cried when I was 10 and said if anything happened to grandma I would take care of my uncle (her older brother) at any cost. My mom never ever cries. My (born during ww2) grandmas whole life was her clearly autistic (r word stupid possessed he should be put somewhere and never see his loving family again)son who was the first generation of autistic kids to get equal (special ed) education within public schools. My grandma (who was born working class first-language-Spanish) and used her smart wit with stocks so became somewhat upper middle class’s) life is of course her own, but very much donated much of it to her son who only likes a particular style of clothes and we need to hide snacks from him because he’s diabetic but we don’t know if he knows that like I’m just like stop stop we’re not supposed to talk about this if I say this I’m “ableist” against people who are billionaires won’t you just listen to me 30% of ppl with autism are intellectually disabled most of us don’t have a job (I had a 2 “jobs” first time it was a temp position that I was never called back after the first day and never officially fired me and never gave me money? And then I became an intern at a company because I told them I’m organized because I “may have autism” and then went to the mental hospital for a week after 2 months of doing one speed sheet because she wanted me to do daily meetings and I want to fucking killl myself so I had to go the hospital to get out of the internships but never tell my college or the company that it was because I was fucking neurotic anxious fucking autist.

Look oh “autism speaks is bad” isn’t because they want to cure autism. Autism is a disorder. Most people don’t like have disorders. So when they impact your day to day lives 24/7 can’t be left alone remember to close the bathroom door please say more than yes or no do you remember me I’m your niece yes it’s because he is smiling and nodding and thumping his chest I love him I’ll do anything with him I could never have a conversation about lord of the rings like with my other uncle who may have been a diagnosed with “a little bit of the autism” if he was a tween today to someone who you love like a son a precious baby son who sometimes does tricks that’s shows that he loves us (do you want to hug me? No? Come on I’m your aunt?? Aw, okay, oh, OHE HE GAVE ME A KISS!! OH BUESO BUESO BUESO MY LOVE MY DARLING” (I CANT BE AUTISTIC BECAUSE I FORCED DOWN MY DESIRE TO HURL EVERYTIME SOME HUGGED ME “please don’t hurt me where do I put my arms you’re smelly you’re kinda creepy is this what uncles do??? Mexicans are just more touchy I watched too much law and order to feel something to explain why I felt so alone and in grief and in rage I tour up my leather chair I need to bleed so that explains someone must have molested this is why because normal people don’t fucking feel this way!!!!! When they touch their uncles????? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??”

Autism speaks sucks because it endorses autism as a death sentence. “I want to kill my ‘heavily autistic’ daughter because she’s violent and dangerous to her other siblings and I’m so tired and my misogynistic husband doesn’t love me anymore let’s just go to heaven and meet Christ heaven anything is better than this” that IS MURDER!!! AN Autistic CHILD IS NOT A FUCKING ANIMAL!!! THAT GIRL IS RIGHT THERE SHE KNOWS WHATS GOING ON ITS NOT THAT THEYRE ARE STUPID THEY HAVE THOUGHTS MY UNCLE GENUINELY LOVES SEEING HIS COUSINS AND NIECES AND NEPHEWS HE LOVES ME ‘IM HAPPT (name) IS HEREE’ he types on the print-out keyboard (he technically isn’t talking (is that non-verbal selective mutism TikTok) because my 4’11 mid 80s grandma is guiding him with her beautiful old wrinkled calloused veiny beautiful could stare all at day I could paint that and be put in a museum fingers) and he can’t do it on his own. But I love him like a fucking human not a fucking lamb to be slaughtered!!! I refuse to have my uncle or cousin of Isaac!!!!!!! They are not damned!!! We are weird and I’m the least weird but I’m fine I keep in my grimace mom mom you have no friends mom That’s NOT NORMAL Mommy.

But my cousin from my dad’s side just got diagnosed over the computer with AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER and she cried out in glee!! ‘Finally!!! I’m in the special club!!! That’s why I’m so QURIKY IM SO ALONE!! Hehehe.’ And she said ‘oh your maternal uncle must have been hidden inside’ ARE YOU ISNANE??? MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD KILL HERSELF TO SAVE HER AUTISTIC SON. SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST IN FUCKING THE USA TO DEMEND EQUAL TREATMENT (WITHOUT LABOTOMIES WITHOUT EUGENICS) FOR HER YOUNG BOY ONE OF THE FIRST IN OUR COUNTY THEY SAID SHE WAS A BAD MOM THAT IT WAS ALL HER FAULT R WORD DEMON SPAWN YOU KNOW THE SPARTANS KICKED CRIPPS OFF THEIR CLIFFS WHEN THEYRE BABIES TOO BAD THEY DONT HAVE THAT NOW!!

YOU KNOW NOTHING BESIDES TUMBLR! YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR ELDERS (many queers are autistic?)!!! MY GRANDMA MY MOM MY AUNT MY UNCLE MY COUSIN MY SISTER MY DAD ARE THE ELDERS DIPSHIT!!!! SOME OF THE PEOPLE ABOVE ARE THE somewhat NEUROTIC ANTISOCIAL NOBODY TALKS FOR THIRTY YEARS BUTS THATS NORMAL. — BUT THEY SPEAK FOR THE ONES WHO CANNOT SPEAK!!! WHICH IS A LARGE FRACTION OF AUTISTIC PEOPLE!! WHICH IS WHY ITS CALLED AUTISM SPEAKS DUMBASSS!!!!!!!!!!! DUMBAESSSS!!!!

I WISH I WAS FUCKING NORMAL AND IM NOT ABELIST FOR WISHING THAT. I WENT TO FOUR HIGH SCHOOLS. IM MAYBE GOING TO MY THRID COLLEGE AND IM A SOPHMORE STILL.I HAVE TWO FRIENDS!!! IM 20 and HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE!!! NOT TALKING ABOUT GREEK MYTHOLOGY??? SHUT UP SHUT UP LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE LAYERS OF TROY OH WHAT ABOUT SIGNING UP FOR CLASSES? NO IM SCARED IM SO SCARED WHAT IF THEY SEE IM NOT NORMAL IM A FREAK IM MONSTER IM A BAD PERSON!!! I WISH I WAS MORE AUTISTIC SO PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE ME!!!! I’m not gonna make it past 25!!! I have been near bed ridden for 5 months ish.

In the end I made it about me..:… I’ve been depressed/anxious for what’s seems like my whole life I went through diaries that said I never was a child because I was so careful and scared and neurotic and shy and please don’t scream at me please don’t touch me!!….. and I wished I was like my cousin who is “level 2” who they asked if it was okay to touch. But they never asked me… it wasn’t until I started questioning our fundamental autistic anxious antisocial please don’t be estranged like that one uncle and said “oh my good I think I’m autistic” that people went softer. Only a handshake. A wave. Didn’t chase me down to demand a goodbye hug. Then I got my diagnosis (which comes with its own sense of grief) and it’s like “:))) it’s okay”” and it’s like finally finally!!!! You understand!! I love you but I don’t know you!!!! Why do you love me??? I’m so hopeless!!!!

Goddd I’m making it ABOUT ME AGAIN!!!!

I’m sorry to all autistics. Autism does not make us monkeys or dogs or demons or freaks or deserved to be choked in their crib we are human beings!!!! And I love my uncle and cousin and my family so much but I can’t talk to them I’m so scared.

And you can make the best of it! You can say, “oh because of my autism I’m really into aquariums!!!” And get special interest energy (respect) and be really passionate about your job as a marine biologist and you’re super organized as a person you are a technology whiz!!! You devote all your time to work and aquariums (and maybe some other special interests like anime figures that make her literally squeal) instead of hanging out with family or friends or coworkers or potential partners because you’re so odd and hahahaha sorry I actually have a headache yeah I can go to that company party but really you’re just so scared you’ll say the wrong thing). But you live with it. You don’t need much affection or attention—but sometimes from the right couple people it feels nice. And you don’t like many people anyway, few ‘get you’ And you may be happy like this. You never get married. Sometimes people talk to you like a baby but you never get why. You know the most about random details that come in handy sometimes. People trust you but aren’t necessarily affectionate towards you. And you have your parents who are cool and siblings that are okay and a couple friends who really ‘get’ you and you be happy. You may love being autistic.

It’s a spectrum, remember? I wish my uncle and cousin were happy and full. I want to be functional and half-way normal. I want every kid who thought they were a secret alien who didn’t know when to look into peoples eyes to be acknowledged and be told ‘ you are not normal but that in no way means you cannot be happy.’ And I wish special ed had more funding. You can make an argument that gifted is special ed whatever but it in should no way get more money than special ed.

I

[aaazzie]

vent

i hate being so socially isolated. i’m pretty much a complete outcast because i’m trans and autistic + physically disabled and it’s not fair. literally i feel like i’m rotting away. i used to be in theater and i had a huge group of friends and people i knew and now they’ve all left me behind. i had one person to consistently talk to during the worst year of my life and she’s gone now. i visited her this summer, since her house is a ten minute walk, and she didn’t care I was there. now i have one irl friend and my boyfriend and literally nobody else and it’s so fucking stupid it makes me want to fucking bawl my eyes out i’m so lonely and awkward and weird and nobody likes the way i talk or interact or bond!!! i want to be a normal fucking teenager i want to go to school daily and go to all my classes but instead i’m getting home tutoring and my skills are regressing again. I had a meltdown in front of a whole crowd a few weeks ago because there were too many people. i’ve been crocheting all day to distract myself from the fact that i’m slowly getting worse and worse and worse and there’s nobody around me who can help. i’m in so much pain my hips and my knees are killing me and it’s so stupid and it hurts so bad. i hate being so alone i want friends (online or not) who contact me regularly i want people who are there for me and who will listen to me and call with me and i’d trade anything in the world for that

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Sometimes, I wonder if I just feel so lonely or isolated at times - that I don’t even feel loneliness anymore, and I’ve gotten used to it.

Tonight I found myself wishing I had a younger sister - as a kid I always wished for an older brother, who would comfort me when I was sad, and someone who would look like me, but way cooler. Someone who would protect me, and do fun sibling things with me.

That’s all seen from rose-colored glasses, I know.

But if I do that again when it comes to a younger sister,

It would be so nice that someone would fully believe in me and tell me so.

She would maybe even find me cool, and ask me questions. We could listen together to my metal or k-pop music, and she would wonder about my androgynous clothes - and I could explain her how there’s more than just ‘woman’ or ‘men’.

I could teach her how to do her make-up, and teach her, that it’s fine to express yourself anyway you want - and that it doesn’t matter how a boy or girl she likes in the future will see her. That she’ll never have to do anything for anyone else’s approval.

Perhaps, I would try to teach her all that I was never taught - no matter how much people around me have tried their best… (i’m sorry)

Perhaps, it’s a daydream of how I was never taught to love the things I thought others wouldn’t like about me - turning me into an anxious, overworked, exhausted, at times crazy, perfectionistic, too deep thinking, analytical, physically painful extreme feeler, afraid of letting others down, constant on the hunt of other’s approval, confused adult that’s terrified of rejection so - that even if other’s do approve them, they still can’t believe it and get self destructive, because their fear of rejection is rooted so deeply, they’ll never truly feel content with themselves in depressive episodes. Never learned how to trust on their own feelings. Probably adhd and maybe even autistic, definitely traumatised and perhaps mildly bipolar.

Sometimes I don’t understand why people even like me, and if I even deserve it.

Maybe I make it seem worse then it is… I also have so many good times in my life - because of the people I love. And it is me that makes my like hell at times…

I wish I had a younger sister who would get along with me - or an older brother who would’ve been like me and showed me all would be well when I grew up.

I wish someone would support me in every decision I made, and that it wouldn’t be so hard to not care about anyone’s approval.

That I could feel my age. That I could laugh more. That someone would walk around with the same pair of eyes as me, the same questions as me - or other ones, the same likes. Someone that’s curious and kind-hearted about my life, just in an innocent way. Just a sibling, who would act like a sibling.

A younger sister, who I could at least try to protect from all misery of growing up. Or not growing up, just of other human-beings, supposed to accept you for all that you are, who put others in misery, and give you the feeling you can’t safely be yourself - and will do damage to your brain forever if you don’t know how to cope with it on your own.

Or an older brother, with who I could talk to about anything. Not just a good friend, someone that’s been with me since day one. Someone that was supposed to protect me, and hopefully not hurt in secret himself. A brother who could explain to me what it’s like to be a boy - or who would have inside jokes with me.

I’m so grateful of everyone and all in my life and wouldn’t change a thing - but sometimes I just wonder. But this is for the best. I’m someone that likes peace and silence anyways.

I’m just tired of pretending to be someone I’m not for all my life - or just getting out of that but it being harder than I ever expected.

Because I want to many things, but I’m too tired because I keep doubting and choosing what’s safe. I don’t want to care of the approval of others - I don’t want to care of how my family sees me.

I’m so fucking tired. And afraid I might grow old not having lived my life to the fullest of who I am.

But I’m also so afraid of rejection and turning the wrong way and not being able to go back.

But then, wouldn’t that say more about those people than is says about me?

I’m just lonely, I guess… I want a girlfriend :( not for the sake of having a girlfriend, but just someone to rest with. I’m exhausted.

Whatever, I guess.

It’s better not having an extra sibling, it’s way less chaotic that way. And I like it better this way.

[empress-hancock]

(anon with the creep dad) to clarify; my mother actually passed away in 2016, admitted she knew he was abusive before he died "but what do you expect me to do?! divorce him?!" (Yea you should've fucking done that, instead of slandering and smearing me as autistic in response to me living in fear?!) Mormon family system and she would flat out say he was not abusive or being inappropriate.

She's evil and I'm glad she's dead, but wish he had dropped dead too, or even better, he died, and she lived; she dropped out of college, and stopped working to be a stay at home mom. Had he died, she would've been alone and I would not have helped her. And she'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life.

Honestly I don't think she completely saw me as a rival, it was more that she chose to be a brainwashed sheep, she said "religion before family, the husband before the children" she lacked integrity and moral courage.

But yea I do think she also saw ME as disgusting, instead of him, even though I was a damn child. I am really glad she is dead, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get away; my disability benefit went into her bank account, its like she was my pimp. She was a cool gal htm, basically, unlike other women, blatantly misogynistic shit like him finding other women attractive, didn't offend her. She was a ragoholic, she'd rage at me and tell me to forgive him for things, like leering at my ass.

I'm a teacher now, and working with kids, I understand her even less, because I feel protective of kids that aren't even mine, and if i saw any red flags for sexual abuse on a child, i'd report it so fast

It does seriously perplex me how so many people have no understanding that children are vulnerable and adults should protect them. Even if someone doesn’t like children and doesn’t want to directly participate in their upbringing I still see people say things that no one should say about a child. Religion definitely brainwashes people into tolerating a lot of things that they absolutely should not, but I think it’s deeper than that too. There are people who are not religious or who are but only casually and don’t let their religion inform most of their choices who still behave this way, so there has to be, in those cases, something else at play. I think it’s likely that the desire for male validation, because women, separate from religious teachings, are told our value is based on how well we please men. So when that idea is combined with the teachings of religion, it exacerbates the problem.

I think people have long forgotten that, for a society to function properly, we do have to lend a hand to those who are most vulnerable in our communities. People are so obsessed with the individual and culling the weak or whatever but that’s not how humans have operated. We find skeletons of people with disabilities who lived a long time because those around them cared for them. Caring for children, the elderly, and the injured and sick is how humans persisted, but now we have people talking about how kids are “seducing” adults or how babies “manipulate” parents by crying so you should just leave them to cry it out because they don’t get that kids are usually not cold and calculated con artists, but rather developing beings still learning about their environment and need the guidance of more experienced members of the community in order to learn.

Personally I wouldn’t have kids because I don’t want to have that responsibility long term but I don’t hate them. I would never overlook harm being done to a child just because I get a bit overwhelmed after spending more than 5 hours with them. I’m not about to make that their problem because they’re kids and kids are rowdy and energetic and talk a lot and it’s simply their nature because they’re experiencing so many new things every day. It’s awful that for some of them, those “new things” are pain and abuse. No one should turn a blind eye to that. So what if the family falls apart, the kid deserves to be safe.

Just out of curiosity, also, what age range do you teach?

[crimsun-n-clover]

life’s been either monotonous or painful. i keep trying to focus on other shit but everyone i know fucking flakes or drains me.

i haven’t played dungeons and dragons in a fucking MONTH. every week i get my stuff all ready and plot everything out and try and expect what each player will do, and every week someone isn’t there. it’s usually not their fault and it’s not like i blame them but it’s my favorite thing and everyone else just doesn’t care that much. i want more players and better players, but every other player at the school is in a party and also probably actually homophobic or something. every party has at least one person who gave me shit as a kid or even recently and i’m not letting them ruin something i enjoy or get close to my party.

i just sleep through everything. i woke up at 3 today because mom called me to remind me i have dnd after school. or not but whatever. i’m just casually fucking miserable. i may have good times but i sure do have a lot of bad times.

did i post about how i kinda told my parents that my friend breakup with sugar was more than that? it was hard but it really explained a lot to them. i covered the basics but i don’t like talking to straight people about the nuances of gay relationships. you can’t just get into them a lot of the time and they never get that.

everyone around me is suffering and i can’t stop it. im just as upset as they are.

every week is just counting days.

monday- band practice with punk band

tuesday- dnd if anyone can ever fucking show up

wednesday- band practice with metal band

thursday- therapy

i wanna get away from this. i don’t even know what this is. i just need to leave and stay gone for a while.

i’m thinking about saving up to buy a trailer to get out as soon as fucking possible. i don’t think i’d fare well in an apartment and god knows the housing market wants us all dead. just somewhere i can sleep and put my instruments and comic books. somewhere i can invite the kiddos when they need to get away from their homes. somewhere i can make my own from the ground up with all my little collections of things and stupid posters. hell i’d even paint a dnd battle grid onto the kitchen table so i can run campaigns with less set up.

i sound like a goddamn hobbit but wouldn’t it be nice to have a little hole in the ground to come home to surrounded by gardens? with the occasional bout of relaxed partying and getting stoned in the middle. trade little gifts and dance around constantly. i wanna live in the fuckin shire. jesus christ. writing this shit out i’m worse than i thought.

i know i’d have to keep a lot of my stuff in storage. i may be a cave dwelling creature but my cave is fucking STUFFED. a lot of books, guitars, hobby related shit, stupid trinkets, hoards of blankets, all that.

there is some stuff i’m snatching from my parents. they have a nice coffee machine that they don’t use, too many fucking mugs, and vinyls dad won’t notice are missing for a little bit. plus i’ve been snatching pairs of pliers out of the garage as a form of psychological revenge, so i’ll probably have a whole box of them by then.

i’m worried that my cat won’t like it. i’ll try and put in a lot of things he can scratch at and give him sole high up places to look down upon me from but he’s one prissy bastard. well not really but he’s a lot like me. he’s picky and acts like someone who’s autistic. he likes to be up high and to have things that make noises. he picks fights he can’t win and sleeps through anything my that bores him. so the place i’m constructing in my head is an incredible fit for me, but i’m not sure if that’ll be good for him too.

i just did way too much research and what i want is in the 30-40k range, 200-400 monthly.

it’s not great but not too fuckin bad if it means getting out

[vizthedatum]

CW: it’s a vent

Okay, it’s definitely my PMDD 😭😭 and also I know my life is on an upwards trajectory right now, but I’m am struggling hard today. I am so mad at my ex/spouse. I’m mad at my parents. I’m mad at countless people just failing me. I am so angry and so sad.

I really wish things were different. I wish my mom weren’t so abusive - I don’t care that her abuse made me the way I am today. I don’t care.

I wish I weren’t so “educated.” Because then people think I can’t possibly be abused or be autistic or whatever. Then ppl wouldn’t have such high expectations of me all the time.

I wish someone met me, actually loved me and took care of me, married me and upheld their vows, gave me a big wedding and a fucking ring, not violated all my boundaries, supported me, and lived with me and our children for the rest of our lives. While poly and queer. I want it fucking all. Happiness, prosperity, children, stable relationships, a home, and the ability to choose how I want to be.

I wish I weren’t gender-fluid and trans - because then I wouldn’t have had to hate myself and my body for as long as I could remember. Then I wouldn’t have to explain things to people after I came out. Then I wouldn’t have to constantly tell people that I’m not a woman or to have people praise me for breasts THAT I DO NOT EVEN WANT. Then I wouldn’t have to be scared about FINALLY feeling connected to my body after I came out. FUCK ALL PEOPLE WHO CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE’S GENDER/SEX IDENTITY.

I wish I weren’t straight up assaulted so many times.

I wish I could curse people: everyone who ever wrongs me, I could curse them with the pain from all my autoimmune conditions so that they all just crumble and fall right after they passive-aggressively imply they’re better than me. None of y’all are better or worse than each other.

I am so angry, and I’m in pain.

I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on these posts that I’m being regularly treated by my psychiatrist, therapist, and other doctors because apparently people can’t handle trauma and grief on social media. Well, I can’t handle your fake concern: if you were really concerned, you’d figure out why my sharing of my pain bothers you so much.