#‘but I’m autistic and in pain’ who the fuck cares there are so many people who have it worse who deserve things more than you

[a-polite-melody]

I’m trapped

I’m stuck here because I’m too shit to do anything about it myself

And the worst part is that I was out

For six months I was out

And since I had to go back in all anything has done is make it less and less possible that I’ll ever get out again

I should just fucking kill myself

[poppitron360]

Someone sent me an ask ages ago about my Valdangelo hcs, but it somehow got deleted? I’m really really sorry bc I missed a chance of a lifetime to infodump so I hope you’re reading this if that was you and you’ve been waiting for my response- here it is. Please please please don’t be discouraged I love it when people send me asks.

This also doubles up as the third instalment of my series about “Why Literally Any Ship Is Better Than Caleo/Deep-Dive Into My Thoughts On All Leo Ships”:

Pt. 1 Valzhang

Pt. 2 Valgrace

We were robbed of Leo and Nico’s friendship. I get that there are a lot of characters and so many arcs to give them, but I wish that Rick had given them more time to interact and spent less time on Caleo, because tbh we never really cared about Cal for any reason other than to develop the men’s arcs. Because Platonic Valdangelo has so much potential that just isn’t covered in the books, I’m gonna base most of this post on what COULD’VE been, from fannon and headcannons.

1. They are Trauma Twinsies. By that, I mean they are both metaphors for different ways of coping with loss. Nico pushes others away from himself, not wanting to get close to anyone. Leo pushes himself away from others, hiding behind an idealised version of himself. Both believe that letting others in would just lead to rejection, and so they shut everyone out to protect themselves. But I feel like Nico copes with it a lot better than Leo does. He has an outlet for it- being emo. As someone who dabbles with emoism myself, I can tell you that, for me, wearing those clothes actually makes me incredibly happy. Nico is owning his pain. Leo is bottling it all up inside and then hiding it behind the jokes and the smiles. I feel like Nico could teach Leo to let it out a bit.

2. Also, their backstories match in more ways than one. Both their moms were killed because of a prophecy about them- leading them both to blame themselves for their deaths. Both have been treated as outcasts because of their powers, Nico by CHB and CJ, Leo by his family (and probably CHB as well, though we don’t really see how he was treated after revealing his abilities). Both ran away because of that. Both probably have religious trauma. They’ve both lost everyone they’ve ever cared about. They’re both being smothered with love and affection by Jason and the rest of the fandom. They both cope with feeling alone by spending more time talking to things that aren’t alive, Nico to the dead, Leo to his machines.

3. So imagine how they could seek comfort in each other! They’ve both been through similar things, so they understand each other’s pain way better than the others. I mean, Jason means well, but he’s never truly known what it’s like to be an outcast- he was held aloft on a golden shield and pronounced Preator. Neither of them would try to “fix” the other, and they wouldn’t try to “one up” the other either. They just share, and when the other says “that sucks”, they know that they really mean it. I imagine they sit five feet apart and just cry. No talking necessary, just silent understanding passing between them. They keep each other company, because they both know what it’s like to be alone.

4. They are both autistic (headcannon). Thank you to @aroaceleovaldez for opening my eyes to this one, and in fact making me realise a few things about myself and why I relate to Leo and Nico so much (pls go check out their posts on the subject, they do a much better job at explaining it than me). But it’s true. I don’t know if Rick did it intentionally or not, but I henceforth hath claimed them both as my kin, alongside Hephaestus himself (“I don’t understand organic life forms”- me neither, man, me neither). Leo and Nico communicate on the same wavelength, something Caleo doesn’t do. Calypso explodes at him for not fitting the “hero” stereotype, for being different. She has no patience with Leo when he does a social fuck-up, something I personally find incredibly frustrating. When he does something wrong, she just shouts at him, and doesn’t take the time to explain what he should do differently. No wonder Leo immediately got defensive! Here was this random woman yelling at him because he broke her table, and he didn’t understand what he did wrong.

5. They are both tiny- much like how Leo and Frank’s physical appearances symbolise their differences, Leo and Nico’s symbolise their similarities. Because all sad people are short, apparently. Valzhang is the yin and the yang, Valdangelo is just two yins excitedly info-dumping about their special interests, (Mythomagic, Machinery/Dragons). Their shortness could be metaphors for many things that they have in common, but I think it best symbolises their loss of childhoods. Nico has changed a lot since he was that happy little ten-year-old we first met in ttc, but Rick never lets us forget that he’s still just a kid. Leo always lacked the physical advantage in fights, so he’s had to learn from an early age to use his brains and his wits to defend himself. As a result, he grew up way too fast, but he still projects that silly, hyperactive little-boy energy as a way to mask. Calypso ridicules Leo for his height and his scrawny appearance.

6. Nico could let Leo get closure on his mom. Think about it. He’d be able to summon her, let him make peace, and let him realise that she does not blame him for her death. Nico could console Leo, reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, because Nico understands more than anybody what Leo is going through. This helps Leo on his arc way more than Calypso could, help him get closure, and learn to accept himself and his powers.

So, the summary of all these points is: They can understand each other on ANOTHER LEVEL. More than Cal and Leo ever could.

Like I said in my Valzhang post, it doesn’t have to be romantic. I hate that everything revolves around romance. Platonic relationships are important, y’all! We all need them, especially Leo, considering how insecure he feels about being the “seventh wheel”.

What ship should I do next? These are all the ones I actively ship, but anything’s better than Caleo. Liper could be fun, or Perleo. Maybe, to prove that literally anything is better than Caleo, I’ll do Leo x Octavian? Lmk in the comments.

[imaginarylungfish]

AUDHD 👏 GOJO 👏

I’m right there with you so, in true AuDHD style, I’m zooming into your inbox to infodump because I’m ALWAYS desperate to scream about this (shout out to @ellionwrites for patiently and compassionately listening to my unpolished rambles about a lot of this stuff in private)!

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about 236 and how it’s Gojo’s “unmasking”. That chapter is really emotional for me because of how well it articulates my personal experience of navigating the world as an autistic person. This post (and especially its tags) from right after it came out says it in a much more concise way, but Gojo’s upset pout breaks my heart because, to me, that's evidence of “no matter how much you try, people will misunderstand you” and damn… that hits a little close to home 🥲

It’s why his death had such a strong impact on me, especially when it felt like half the internet was ignoring the actual words Gojo said to claim “he never cared about that stuff, he was arrogant from the start and you just misread him". In combination with “it was the best ending for a character like Gojo" — right after we find out how deeply lonely he’s been, never able to truly connect with anyone after Geto left? Well, it was mindblowingly meta and, therefore, pretty painful to read.

I wrote an analysis of Gojo’s character in 236 and, even though I wasn’t viewing him through an autistic lens for that particular post, I think my words under the cut still read that way — that’s how baked into his character I think this stuff is! I genuinely think the two pairs of sorcerers sitting with their backs to each other is a visual representation of the double empathy problem. I'm not sure autistic and allistic people can ever arrive at a place where we fully understand each other, but that doesn’t mean autistic people have to carry all the burden and remain isolated. That’s why it’s meaningful that Gege makes it clear that all the characters care about each other, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye.

Glad to see you shouting about this reading of his character, because I haven’t seen many people talking about it. Some people are very hostile to ND headcanons, especially for characters as popular as Gojo, which is why I haven’t really talked about it much myself. However, I feel like any fellow AuDHDers who read my fic must be side-eying me constantly because I don’t think I’m subtle about how I write Gojo’s character at ALL 🤪

Maybe it’s time to be brave and publicly share my 236 AuDHD!Gojo manifesto for the five of us who are standing in a circle screaming about this! Cheering you on and sending lots of love ♥️

Ahhhhh thank you so much for this infodump!!!! I was on a AuDHD!Gojo rampage last night as my brain worm hit right as I should have been going to sleep. But such are things....

Like idk why it didn't truly hit me until now, but I can't unseen Gojo as AuDHD. (It was probably because I re-watched "Everything's Gonna be Okay" with some AuDHD representation and then I started thinking of other AuDHD characters and immediately thought of Gojo.) I did play with the idea a few months back, but it hit me with full force yesterday.

Idk like I get a little annoyed with people who think I or others like Gojo just because "he's hot" because like okay fine yes (but also I think I just have gender envy but that's a whole other can of worms). But also, no no no that's not it! My love for Gojo is more than that! He speaks to me as a character. He's misunderstood. He's seen as something he isn't. In my eyes, he's neurodivergent (and queer). And Geto was the only other person who ever saw him for who he really was.

Gojo's death was really hard on me. I remember exactly where I was when I read that chapter. And then the airport. Fuck. EmOtIOns. At first, I tried understanding Nanami's words. I really did. But really, I just didn't if I'm honest. Those words were a shock to me. Like yeah okay he's selfish (but like aren't all humans?). He also helps though! Isn't that obvious? And at the end? He wanted to have an equal to go all out with in a fight. Again, why was that bad? He was also helping! What's the issue? He's a fallible human. Like you said in your analysis, he contains multitudes. What's wrong with that?

So, like many others, I thought maybe I misread Gojo. But no. Now I think the missing piece was that Gojo is AuDHD and Nanami didn't quite get that. He didn't understand Gojo's actions. (And ahh god that lil pout. Gojo was just living his life and people saw him but they never ~saw~ him.)

I think the visual of the sorcerers back-to-back is a great metaphor for the double empathy problem. I never saw it that way, but I see it now and like it! And I think you're so right with the fact that the characters still respect and support each other even if they don't understand each other fully. I think that's a theme woven throughout the story.

Blahhh I feel like there is so much textual support for AuDHD Gojo. Like him being blindsided by Geto's defection because he didn't see Geto's decline (and don't get me started about Autistic!Geto with his strict black-and-white thinking), him just blabbing about sweets when he meets up with Megumi before fighting one-finger Sukuna at the beginning, the fact he thought revealing Yuuji to his classmates at the exchange event would be funny (cause hey, I thought it would too until it happened and I saw oh hey, it wasn't), etc. Plus, his blindfold. His overall personality. Like, it's such a heavy mask. Now I see that.

I feel like people either love Gojo or they hate him. (I immediately gobbled up your analysis and 100% agree. And I think people's reactions to his death are pretty telling.)

So, thank you for the yummy AuDHD!Gojo content. Please feel free to send me more/link me to things. I feel like I have a million more things to say but my brain is jumping all over the place and I've already spent 40 minutes this morning on this when I should have been getting ready for work. Hehe, whoops.

Gojo is AuDHD. I will die on this hill. Let's keep staring and screaming at each other about this. Sending you good vibes and love as well 🤍

[survival-of-the-chillest]

Howdy!

10/?/24 Original text in white

12/12/24 im making edits/updates to this in blue

Ive been on tumblr since 2012 but this is a new blog specifically for my current health journey.

Im honestly not a fan of tumblr much anymore or the internet in general. I really enjoyed going out and doing things in person until my body decided to stop functioning. I’m hoping to revamp my love of tumblr and be able to socialize from my bed.

Here are some things about me:

I am in my mid 20’s but typically get along well with people older than me

im transmasc/ non-binary /who cares? Is femboy a gender?

Im the fruitiest person you will ever meet

Im married but also polyam

Neurodivergent af Autistic AF actually according to my therapists new discovery 😅

I am on EST time

I was raised Jewish and am still vaguely jewish but also kindof witchy. I AM NOT A ZIONIST LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR. That shit is FUCKED.

I am diagnosed with too many mental health issues to list tbh but most recently i was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder which i feel encompasses all my things. I might also have other dissociative things happening apparently. Working on figuring that out

I am diagnosed with gastroparesis but its comorbid to an unknown autoimmune disease that we cant seem to figure out They figured it out (sortof)! I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that was triggered by a virus. Im officially diagnosed with Chronic EBV ( EBV=mono) because they are %99 sure thats the virus that did it according to my symptoms and way too many antibodies in my bloodwork but i have my suspicions and am trying to get a second opinion before i say %100

I was previously living on my own but now live back with my parents which has been ROUGH Its getting alot rougher and trying to apply to subsidized housing

I was raised in a conservative family in a semi-rural area where I was one of the only people of color that i knew of so my entire cultural identity has been pretty whitewashed and i hold alot of trauma about it

I was formerly an aspiring art teacher and was teaching as an assistant teacher for kindergartners. It was something I really loved until i had to resign due to my health

Hobbies/interests

ART! what kind of art? ALL OF IT!

crafts ( yes different from art in my head)

Thrifting

I collect y2k nostalgia toys (mostly furbys and carebears but my collection is honestly so huge at this point i have alot)

Cozy video games but only whatever im currently fixated on

Social card games (think CAH except not CAH , i don’t like that one after playing it 5 billion times)

Plushies

Poetry ( pls ask to read them 👉🏻👈🏻)

The Twilight Saga but in a meme way (yes im a TSP ratty🐀 iykyk)

The office

Kirby but also any cute Nintendo character tbh

Things i will be posting

Chronic illness rants and vents

Chronic illness memes

i like to make mood boards alot ( if you send me your diagnosis or any type of theme i will probably say yes)

General inquiries such as “has anyone else had this shit happen?”

Positive updates when i find things that work

Updates on my latest “stuck at home” projects

Original poetry and artwork about chronic illness/pain

Quotes i relate to as a disabled person ( will credit)

Things that will not be happening

I wont be making a DNI list , im a leftist please use common sense

Please no minors, no offence im just old

I DO NOT subscribe to what I like to call “tumblr brain rot” let me explain!

I see alot of division on here that usually comes down to two different groups of people who use identities that aren’t “typical” and people who gatekeep a community and hate anyone who doesn’t align to their way of thinking. I WILL NOT be choosing sides in any of these arguments. I think that people should identify with whatever they want . I do not care how niche it is. HOWEVER, i am horrified by some of the commentary from people with niche identities that expect others to immediately understand that identity without giving anyone a chance to understand. Nobody can ever learn to accept something you wont help them understand. I am also a firm believer that people can change and grow. Canceling someone for unforgivable behavior is one thing. Canceling someone for an honest mistake gives me the ick. Please ask yourself “ is this a pattern of behavior or something they are working on?” before making a call out post. In fact maybe we shouldn’t make call out posts about people unless they are genuinely dangerous. If its discourse exclusive to tumblr please just keep me out of it.

Activism!

Yes! If youve made it this far then you know that beyond tumblr there are BIG problems out there that internet discourse unfortunately will not solve. Im a huge follower of many activist movements but here are the ones i most interact with.

Trans rights , especially the rights of trans children and destroying the stigma around trans people being inherently sexual and dangerous to children. ( as a former trans teacher who has been thoroughly harrassed even though i was excellent at my job i have had a bone to pick with these shitheads)

Queer/POC intersectionality , i often go to panels and discussions on this matter because it is deeply personal to me as a person of color with blue hair and pronouns. I have been made fun of all my life for not conforming to Hispanic stereotypes and doing things people consider “white liberal culture”. Fun fact: not all trans people look the same.

Disability rights but also Autism Acceptance, my wife is autistic and im adhd and also physically disabled. PEOPLE DESERVE ACCOMMODATIONS. Being in a relationship with an autistic person for many years has made me very very pissed on thier behalf and on behalf of anyone who functions differently. News flash: everyone deserves to have thier needs met and that includes needs you dont understand.

recently started going to a-lot of events for Palestine. Doing a-lot of more vaguely human rights activism because im fucking exhausted with being part of like 5-6 different minorities and the new BULLSHIT in the USA. The human rights work is focused around Palestine currently for obvious reasons

I will gladly attend pretty much ANY virtual event/meeting to support these causes. I am always available to speak on my personal experience or assist with public speaking. If its an in-person event please DM me to discuss if it’s possible for me physically and logistically. ( pls note that altho i do not support isreal that the events in Palestine really hit a rough spot for me mentally because my jewish family members gosupersayan if they catch me supporting Palestine. Sometimes im in the headspace for it but other times its really triggering to remember that ive been disowned by most of my family for it) Yeah i fucking snapped in like mid November and have been going feral with the Palestine Activism. Done caring about what my toxic ass family members say

This is getting really long so im going to stop but im very extroverted so plz ask me things i need social interaction. Im actually starting to go a lil crazy from social isolation so please! I used to teach underprivileged children and i need people to care for or i’m going to perish. *taps hood of car* this puppy can hold so many energy for giving emotional support. Im very wise and good at advice. Bout to make a resume for friends 😭

[whovianwholikesgirls]

😍🎵🖋 for Spencer?

-selfshippery

The way I screeched once I found this? Thank you for these. Talking about him gives me an instant serotonin boost

😍: things I like about him.

Okay let’s start with personality first. The man is loyal. Like, ride or die for the people he loves most and when you add boyfriendism on top of that? Holy fucking shit. He’d always make sure me needs were taken care of and obviously I’d do that same for him but just having someone that you know is always going to be your rock is super soothing.

Speaking of being my rock, he’s the most caring guy ever and I know he’d always be there for me. Especially on my grumpy chronic pain days.

All of his autistic traits because I have them too and it’s nice to have someone who understands my brain. Not that it’s a personality trait, our developmental disabilities just happen to line up perfectly. That why I fell in love with him because I knew I could be myself around him.

Started learning about my favorite books and music just too feel closer to me/impress me in the early stages of dating but over time he learned to love them too

I also go on rambles on stuff I’m passionate about and sometimes people are like, “Kate slow down I’m not getting the context.” Which is a fair response it’s just nice to have someone who gets it. Half of the time if I’m on a case in the field working doing tech things instead of doing them at Quantico with Garcia, I’m basically the, “Reid translator.” Which is cute. We could literally talk about books and doctor who all day

One of my favorite self insert scenes is when Spence is explaining the Death Star to Morgan and Morgan goes, “I’m taking back the last 5 minutes of my life.” Instead the scene goes like this:

Me: What was it? Your whole conversation about Morgan with the amount of jewels of energy and the Death Star?

Him: *chuckles* you haven’t even seen Star Wars yet

Me: then teach me, I wanna know. Literally the only thing I know about Star Wars is that Luke and Leia are the good guys and Darth Vader is Luke’s dad

Him: *oh my god I can’t believe I’m dating this person heart eyes* okay, *holds my hand just because after a year of dating he likes the contact until he eventually has to let it go because he gets really excited and started talking with his hands* let’s start at the beginning

The physical stuff. Because he’s him and he’s hot and before I start going on my own ramble I’d like to point out I fell for the emotional stuff first.

His hair, especially seasons 4 and 9. I just want to run my fingers through it and there’s a reason why I set our wedding during the beginning of s4 in cannon because I love the slicked back prince charming hair.

You can literally see everything emotion this man has ever had through his eyes and it makes my heart stop.

Sure he talks with his hand but they’re also very pretty. I’d hold them all day if I could.

I’ve always liked guy who ate lanky so there’s that lol

🎵: Songs that remind me of him/us.

Oh I’ve got two separate playlists. One for just him that’s random songs and one that’s all Taylor Swift songs and remind me of him and our relationship. I recommend my spate as told my Taylor lyrics tag because I assign soooo many good songs/lyrics there. Right now if I had to pick a Taylor song off the top of my head if would be Timeless

A specific Taylor song that’s just Spencer coded is this is me trying

Songs that aren’t Taylor songs that I love

Pancakes for dinner - Lizzy McAlpine

Home and Sink Into You - Deore

🖊️: which one of us would write poetry for the other

A 50/50 split. Mostly me because I’ll admit I write him letters in my journal to decompress, but I bet I could write him some love letters/poems too

I think he would if he had a reason too, not in his spare time like I would. For my birthday, an anniversary, or his wedding vows

[enbycrip]

1) They’re not “progressive” societies at all. They’re just slightly better than the US at hiding their bigotry as far as Americans can see, as far as I can tell. Australia, NZ, Canada, are all openly disableist and racist, particularly when it comes to both migrants and how they treat their indigenous populations.

2) Please don’t just blanket replace functioning labels with “high and low support needs”; the whole reason we as autistics wanted functioning labels removed is that they are *inaccurate*. Most autistics vary considerably in the tasks we can do and our daily ability to care for ourselves and others. “Low functioning” frequently means “nonspeaking”, or “visibly disabled”, or “has a number of co-occurring conditions that affect them in very different ways”, or “cannot live independently”: or a huge variety of other things. It’s a meaningless box people fill with their own ideas, many of which are very disableist, and thus as useless as “severe autism”.

This video literally illustrates perfectly why we say “calling us ‘low-functioning’ is used to deny us autonomy or humanity. Calling us ‘high-functioning’ is used to deny our struggle’. The terms are frequently applied to the same individuals depending on what we are trying to do - or what people are trying to deny us.

3) This video is missing the point. Just crying denying entry to autistic people “who can pass as functional and contribute” is missing the point. The point is that countries institute a fucking “health test” on immigrants.

I’m autistic and ADHD. I’m also mobility-impaired and live with chronic fatigue and chronic pain due to hEDS and POTS. All my conditions affect me constantly, yet I constantly deal with people making assumptions based on facets.

- “You’re obviously not neurodivergent because you’re a (part time) wheelchair user”. Yeah, it’s not like my physical conditions are strongly linked to autism in particular or anything (?!?) Or that autistic people are somehow immune from injury or illness that might lead to using mobility aids?!?

- “Your main barrier to accessing x thing is obviously your mobility aid use”. Nope, actually my chronic fatigue is *far* more impactful on my life. I could do a FT job if I was as mobility-impaired as I am but didn’t have chronic fatigue, though I’d still face the *enormous* prejudice mobility aid users face in the job market.

Seriously, try going into a job you are well-qualified for with a single crutch and watching the interviewer’s face crumple in shock, and just knowing that, no matter *how* well-qualified you are, there’s not a chance you’re getting this. That was my experience about eight-nine years ago when I started having to use a crutch.

Not to mention that, actually, the main reason I use a wheelchair these days is purely linked to my chronic fatigue. My rollator is perfectly adequate for my mobility needs. I use my wheelchair when I need to be out for some hours and can’t guarantee a seat or breaks, because it minimises my energy use and thus holds off when I’m going to utterly crash in a completely non-verbal heap.

Worryingly, this is *very* much my experience in my PIP interviews (UK disability benefit). Interviewers *constantly* focus on *directly physical* impairments and limitations. *I* was the one who had to bring in how my chronic pain and chronic fatigue limit me relating to their own criteria for accessing the benefit.

The issue is that countries still feel able, and justified, to discriminate based on health. *This* is what is deeply, deeply disableist, bigoted, and discriminatory. It’s symptomatic of the oppression and marginalisation we as disabled people face constantly, in every area of our lives, and the eugenicist thinking so many people hold without questioning themselves, which has *devastated* our communities and will continue to do so as a result of the COVID pandemic.

This is exactly what I mean when I say the society even more “progressive” societies are inherently ableist

[aaazzie]

vent

i hate being so socially isolated. i’m pretty much a complete outcast because i’m trans and autistic + physically disabled and it’s not fair. literally i feel like i’m rotting away. i used to be in theater and i had a huge group of friends and people i knew and now they’ve all left me behind. i had one person to consistently talk to during the worst year of my life and she’s gone now. i visited her this summer, since her house is a ten minute walk, and she didn’t care I was there. now i have one irl friend and my boyfriend and literally nobody else and it’s so fucking stupid it makes me want to fucking bawl my eyes out i’m so lonely and awkward and weird and nobody likes the way i talk or interact or bond!!! i want to be a normal fucking teenager i want to go to school daily and go to all my classes but instead i’m getting home tutoring and my skills are regressing again. I had a meltdown in front of a whole crowd a few weeks ago because there were too many people. i’ve been crocheting all day to distract myself from the fact that i’m slowly getting worse and worse and worse and there’s nobody around me who can help. i’m in so much pain my hips and my knees are killing me and it’s so stupid and it hurts so bad. i hate being so alone i want friends (online or not) who contact me regularly i want people who are there for me and who will listen to me and call with me and i’d trade anything in the world for that

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Sometimes, I wonder if I just feel so lonely or isolated at times - that I don’t even feel loneliness anymore, and I’ve gotten used to it.

Tonight I found myself wishing I had a younger sister - as a kid I always wished for an older brother, who would comfort me when I was sad, and someone who would look like me, but way cooler. Someone who would protect me, and do fun sibling things with me.

That’s all seen from rose-colored glasses, I know.

But if I do that again when it comes to a younger sister,

It would be so nice that someone would fully believe in me and tell me so.

She would maybe even find me cool, and ask me questions. We could listen together to my metal or k-pop music, and she would wonder about my androgynous clothes - and I could explain her how there’s more than just ‘woman’ or ‘men’.

I could teach her how to do her make-up, and teach her, that it’s fine to express yourself anyway you want - and that it doesn’t matter how a boy or girl she likes in the future will see her. That she’ll never have to do anything for anyone else’s approval.

Perhaps, I would try to teach her all that I was never taught - no matter how much people around me have tried their best… (i’m sorry)

Perhaps, it’s a daydream of how I was never taught to love the things I thought others wouldn’t like about me - turning me into an anxious, overworked, exhausted, at times crazy, perfectionistic, too deep thinking, analytical, physically painful extreme feeler, afraid of letting others down, constant on the hunt of other’s approval, confused adult that’s terrified of rejection so - that even if other’s do approve them, they still can’t believe it and get self destructive, because their fear of rejection is rooted so deeply, they’ll never truly feel content with themselves in depressive episodes. Never learned how to trust on their own feelings. Probably adhd and maybe even autistic, definitely traumatised and perhaps mildly bipolar.

Sometimes I don’t understand why people even like me, and if I even deserve it.

Maybe I make it seem worse then it is… I also have so many good times in my life - because of the people I love. And it is me that makes my like hell at times…

I wish I had a younger sister who would get along with me - or an older brother who would’ve been like me and showed me all would be well when I grew up.

I wish someone would support me in every decision I made, and that it wouldn’t be so hard to not care about anyone’s approval.

That I could feel my age. That I could laugh more. That someone would walk around with the same pair of eyes as me, the same questions as me - or other ones, the same likes. Someone that’s curious and kind-hearted about my life, just in an innocent way. Just a sibling, who would act like a sibling.

A younger sister, who I could at least try to protect from all misery of growing up. Or not growing up, just of other human-beings, supposed to accept you for all that you are, who put others in misery, and give you the feeling you can’t safely be yourself - and will do damage to your brain forever if you don’t know how to cope with it on your own.

Or an older brother, with who I could talk to about anything. Not just a good friend, someone that’s been with me since day one. Someone that was supposed to protect me, and hopefully not hurt in secret himself. A brother who could explain to me what it’s like to be a boy - or who would have inside jokes with me.

I’m so grateful of everyone and all in my life and wouldn’t change a thing - but sometimes I just wonder. But this is for the best. I’m someone that likes peace and silence anyways.

I’m just tired of pretending to be someone I’m not for all my life - or just getting out of that but it being harder than I ever expected.

Because I want to many things, but I’m too tired because I keep doubting and choosing what’s safe. I don’t want to care of the approval of others - I don’t want to care of how my family sees me.

I’m so fucking tired. And afraid I might grow old not having lived my life to the fullest of who I am.

But I’m also so afraid of rejection and turning the wrong way and not being able to go back.

But then, wouldn’t that say more about those people than is says about me?

I’m just lonely, I guess… I want a girlfriend :( not for the sake of having a girlfriend, but just someone to rest with. I’m exhausted.

Whatever, I guess.

It’s better not having an extra sibling, it’s way less chaotic that way. And I like it better this way.

[empress-hancock]

(anon with the creep dad) to clarify; my mother actually passed away in 2016, admitted she knew he was abusive before he died "but what do you expect me to do?! divorce him?!" (Yea you should've fucking done that, instead of slandering and smearing me as autistic in response to me living in fear?!) Mormon family system and she would flat out say he was not abusive or being inappropriate.

She's evil and I'm glad she's dead, but wish he had dropped dead too, or even better, he died, and she lived; she dropped out of college, and stopped working to be a stay at home mom. Had he died, she would've been alone and I would not have helped her. And she'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life.

Honestly I don't think she completely saw me as a rival, it was more that she chose to be a brainwashed sheep, she said "religion before family, the husband before the children" she lacked integrity and moral courage.

But yea I do think she also saw ME as disgusting, instead of him, even though I was a damn child. I am really glad she is dead, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get away; my disability benefit went into her bank account, its like she was my pimp. She was a cool gal htm, basically, unlike other women, blatantly misogynistic shit like him finding other women attractive, didn't offend her. She was a ragoholic, she'd rage at me and tell me to forgive him for things, like leering at my ass.

I'm a teacher now, and working with kids, I understand her even less, because I feel protective of kids that aren't even mine, and if i saw any red flags for sexual abuse on a child, i'd report it so fast

It does seriously perplex me how so many people have no understanding that children are vulnerable and adults should protect them. Even if someone doesn’t like children and doesn’t want to directly participate in their upbringing I still see people say things that no one should say about a child. Religion definitely brainwashes people into tolerating a lot of things that they absolutely should not, but I think it’s deeper than that too. There are people who are not religious or who are but only casually and don’t let their religion inform most of their choices who still behave this way, so there has to be, in those cases, something else at play. I think it’s likely that the desire for male validation, because women, separate from religious teachings, are told our value is based on how well we please men. So when that idea is combined with the teachings of religion, it exacerbates the problem.

I think people have long forgotten that, for a society to function properly, we do have to lend a hand to those who are most vulnerable in our communities. People are so obsessed with the individual and culling the weak or whatever but that’s not how humans have operated. We find skeletons of people with disabilities who lived a long time because those around them cared for them. Caring for children, the elderly, and the injured and sick is how humans persisted, but now we have people talking about how kids are “seducing” adults or how babies “manipulate” parents by crying so you should just leave them to cry it out because they don’t get that kids are usually not cold and calculated con artists, but rather developing beings still learning about their environment and need the guidance of more experienced members of the community in order to learn.

Personally I wouldn’t have kids because I don’t want to have that responsibility long term but I don’t hate them. I would never overlook harm being done to a child just because I get a bit overwhelmed after spending more than 5 hours with them. I’m not about to make that their problem because they’re kids and kids are rowdy and energetic and talk a lot and it’s simply their nature because they’re experiencing so many new things every day. It’s awful that for some of them, those “new things” are pain and abuse. No one should turn a blind eye to that. So what if the family falls apart, the kid deserves to be safe.

Just out of curiosity, also, what age range do you teach?

[crimsun-n-clover]

life’s been either monotonous or painful. i keep trying to focus on other shit but everyone i know fucking flakes or drains me.

i haven’t played dungeons and dragons in a fucking MONTH. every week i get my stuff all ready and plot everything out and try and expect what each player will do, and every week someone isn’t there. it’s usually not their fault and it’s not like i blame them but it’s my favorite thing and everyone else just doesn’t care that much. i want more players and better players, but every other player at the school is in a party and also probably actually homophobic or something. every party has at least one person who gave me shit as a kid or even recently and i’m not letting them ruin something i enjoy or get close to my party.

i just sleep through everything. i woke up at 3 today because mom called me to remind me i have dnd after school. or not but whatever. i’m just casually fucking miserable. i may have good times but i sure do have a lot of bad times.

did i post about how i kinda told my parents that my friend breakup with sugar was more than that? it was hard but it really explained a lot to them. i covered the basics but i don’t like talking to straight people about the nuances of gay relationships. you can’t just get into them a lot of the time and they never get that.

everyone around me is suffering and i can’t stop it. im just as upset as they are.

every week is just counting days.

monday- band practice with punk band

tuesday- dnd if anyone can ever fucking show up

wednesday- band practice with metal band

thursday- therapy

i wanna get away from this. i don’t even know what this is. i just need to leave and stay gone for a while.

i’m thinking about saving up to buy a trailer to get out as soon as fucking possible. i don’t think i’d fare well in an apartment and god knows the housing market wants us all dead. just somewhere i can sleep and put my instruments and comic books. somewhere i can invite the kiddos when they need to get away from their homes. somewhere i can make my own from the ground up with all my little collections of things and stupid posters. hell i’d even paint a dnd battle grid onto the kitchen table so i can run campaigns with less set up.

i sound like a goddamn hobbit but wouldn’t it be nice to have a little hole in the ground to come home to surrounded by gardens? with the occasional bout of relaxed partying and getting stoned in the middle. trade little gifts and dance around constantly. i wanna live in the fuckin shire. jesus christ. writing this shit out i’m worse than i thought.

i know i’d have to keep a lot of my stuff in storage. i may be a cave dwelling creature but my cave is fucking STUFFED. a lot of books, guitars, hobby related shit, stupid trinkets, hoards of blankets, all that.

there is some stuff i’m snatching from my parents. they have a nice coffee machine that they don’t use, too many fucking mugs, and vinyls dad won’t notice are missing for a little bit. plus i’ve been snatching pairs of pliers out of the garage as a form of psychological revenge, so i’ll probably have a whole box of them by then.

i’m worried that my cat won’t like it. i’ll try and put in a lot of things he can scratch at and give him sole high up places to look down upon me from but he’s one prissy bastard. well not really but he’s a lot like me. he’s picky and acts like someone who’s autistic. he likes to be up high and to have things that make noises. he picks fights he can’t win and sleeps through anything my that bores him. so the place i’m constructing in my head is an incredible fit for me, but i’m not sure if that’ll be good for him too.

i just did way too much research and what i want is in the 30-40k range, 200-400 monthly.

it’s not great but not too fuckin bad if it means getting out

[vizthedatum]

CW: it’s a vent

Okay, it’s definitely my PMDD 😭😭 and also I know my life is on an upwards trajectory right now, but I’m am struggling hard today. I am so mad at my ex/spouse. I’m mad at my parents. I’m mad at countless people just failing me. I am so angry and so sad.

I really wish things were different. I wish my mom weren’t so abusive - I don’t care that her abuse made me the way I am today. I don’t care.

I wish I weren’t so “educated.” Because then people think I can’t possibly be abused or be autistic or whatever. Then ppl wouldn’t have such high expectations of me all the time.

I wish someone met me, actually loved me and took care of me, married me and upheld their vows, gave me a big wedding and a fucking ring, not violated all my boundaries, supported me, and lived with me and our children for the rest of our lives. While poly and queer. I want it fucking all. Happiness, prosperity, children, stable relationships, a home, and the ability to choose how I want to be.

I wish I weren’t gender-fluid and trans - because then I wouldn’t have had to hate myself and my body for as long as I could remember. Then I wouldn’t have to explain things to people after I came out. Then I wouldn’t have to constantly tell people that I’m not a woman or to have people praise me for breasts THAT I DO NOT EVEN WANT. Then I wouldn’t have to be scared about FINALLY feeling connected to my body after I came out. FUCK ALL PEOPLE WHO CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE’S GENDER/SEX IDENTITY.

I wish I weren’t straight up assaulted so many times.

I wish I could curse people: everyone who ever wrongs me, I could curse them with the pain from all my autoimmune conditions so that they all just crumble and fall right after they passive-aggressively imply they’re better than me. None of y’all are better or worse than each other.

I am so angry, and I’m in pain.

I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on these posts that I’m being regularly treated by my psychiatrist, therapist, and other doctors because apparently people can’t handle trauma and grief on social media. Well, I can’t handle your fake concern: if you were really concerned, you’d figure out why my sharing of my pain bothers you so much.

[icanonlybe-human]

I wish people would stop using functioning labels on mental illness when all they have to go off of is 5 minutes or an hour of watching someone from the outside.

You can never know the struggles that person is going through unless they decide to tell you, and even then the chances of you fully comprehending every moment of pain they are telling you about is slim.

I’m not slightly depressed. I’m in the midst of a manic depressive episode. Have been for weeks. But because I keep my hygiene respectable where people notice, and steer them away from clues that something is wrong, and show up to work on time because if I didn’t, people might notice. What you don’t see is that I’ve been wearing my hair in a ponytail for 2 weeks because I don’t have enough motivation to take care of myself properly, ie wash my hair. You don’t see the state of my bedroom, and how bad my sleep hygiene is because I can’t be fucked to wash the sheets because taking care of myself isn’t on my radar. You don’t see how long I take to get to sleep and how many times I wake up during the night. You don’t see my nightmares. You don’t see the mental breakdowns and panic attacks and autistic meltdowns and dissociations that I have in a single day because even if they happened right in front of you, people don’t care enough to notice the subtle change. Plus, I’m pushing that shit down so much that my own family members wouldn’t notice them. You don’t see how fucked up my eating schedule is when other people aren’t involved because eating falls under the “can’t be fucked” category. Sure, you might notice how I’m more spaced out, forgetful, looking kinda sickly. Manic depression is generally so bad that people will notice something is slightly off. But just because I’m going to work and smell alright and eat when other people do DOES NOT mean I’m a high functioning depressive person. It means I just have the lifestyle to hide it behind.

The exact same fucking thing goes for autism. I’m not someone with autism who is “high functioning”. I’m autistic PERIOD. You don’t see the struggles I have that I don’t show you. You see exactly what I want you to see and nothing more. Some people choose to not hide their autism. Some people have different needs that make it more obvious that they’re autistic. Note DIFFERENT. I have a shit ton of needs that aren’t being met because I look like I’m functioning just fine.

Well honey, that’s because of the fist full of meds I have to cram into my mouth every day and the smile I paste on every day to make you more comfortable. Because trust me, if you saw the unfiltered me, you’d think I’d belong in a damn psych ward.

People say “don’t judge a book by a cover,” so for once take your own fucking advice and stop assuming the needs and struggles of others when you have no fucking idea what is actually going on.

You see what people want you to see. Nothing more, nothing less. PERIOD.

[o-wild-west-wind]

I’m so glad to see this being mentioned by others now because maybe I’m a biased autistic, but that felt so loaded. The ways Ed is cut down and violently insulted have always seemed very intentional and targeted to his identity thus far so I don’t know why this line would be an exception…I feel like it means something?

I want to interpret it as some sort of nod to him being autistic or at least neurodivergent in canon…in which case that kind of means a fucking lot, personally. I don’t think I’ve ever seen intentional representation where an autistic character is actually allowed to be so complexly human. a hero and protagonist (and love interest??) who’s got so many layered positive qualities, but who we also see struggling with the darker side of it all—psychological pain, dissociation, suicidality, even external violence after a lifetime of trauma, etc. etc.…actual illness. and I know that’s such a dicey thing to portray, especially with a non-white character (cue all the racism and the ableism and all the isms that have been running rampant in fandom), but holy fuck. we need characters like this!! because we need people to learn what mental illness actually means, and honest to god, seeing a character like him experience the full spectrum of painful and violent emotion and then turn around and experience joy and love and compassion and acceptance is just…kind of groundbreaking imo. because I’m tired of autistic characters vacillating between one dimensional stereotypes of either obnoxious and unlikeable or innocent and angelic to the point of inspiration porn. we need autistic characters for autistic people!!

it’s highly possible I’m reading too much into this to serve my own catharsis. but at this point I don’t know that I even care, because art is what we make of it I suppose? and even if the general viewer doesn’t get anything from it at least I feel like I do, which is more than I’ve ever had otherwise. so anyway. I want media in general to do better but yeah I have feelings about this

Also Ned Low called Ed an idiot savant, which is a historical way in which we are refered to. Ed Autism nation how are we feeling?

[hazzabeeforlou]

Hi, I’m Toni.

Got a slew of new followers and I’ve been almost inactive the last half a year (at least) so wanted to do an update/intro so you know who I am LOL and so my long suffering fandom besties know what the fuck’s been going on (if anyone still cares rip sorry it’s been forever)

Currently writing this from my sick bed of ear cellulitis? That I got from wearing my mask? It would literally only happen to me. Had to go to urgent care and get a butt shot of antibiotics so it didn’t, you know, spread to my bloodstream :)

Anyways I say that to say that I probably got sick in the first place because I’m incredibly run down right now. The classical music world (im a professional musician) FINALLY opened up again, and to meet gig demands I only work my pandemic retail job once a week. I have been traveling the last four weekends in a ROW, which, due to my chronic pain (which has seen SOME improvement over the last year!!) makes me super duper exhausted and I have to admit tik tok has been getting most of my brain numbing time.

Life post-happy drugs has been tough. I’ve seen improvement in the areas I wanted to, physically, but mentally god. Drugs were nice. Anywho, I’ve done a ton of witchy/ancestral connecting/herbalist kinda things the last six months, and I now have an alter and a spiritual practice that has really brought me a lot of growth and meaning. It’s hard healing from your past when you’re still living IN it… and there’s no improvement with my parents. They’re still homophobic as hell and Republican as fuck, despite screaming matches. The threats of physical violence prevent me from confronting my dad any further. I’ve kind of given up hoping they will ever change.

It’s funny though, I would classify this year as the year I started to “feel” things, and of course that happened physically post the drugs, but also emotionally once I started to let myself FEEL emotions, god what a train wreck. Who knew humans could CRY so much? That emotional revelation led to the probably overdue realization that I’m likely Autistic and high masking, and have been suffering from that classic 30’s wall that “gifted girl high masking autistic children” eventually hit wherein they are no longer able to just push through and ignore. That’s been tough.

Writing has always been how I process and understand emotions, and now that I’ve started to actually FEEL them, it hasn’t become as essential to my functioning as it had been the last six or so years. I miss it, and I plan on finishing all my projects I left behind… as I’ve said many time The Garden part 3 IS coming I promise lol. But! Hopefully. And no promises. But I have the most delightful Christmas fic tucked into my head that I would love to publish this year, if I can find the time to get it on paper.

Okay as for fandom… I did a “growth thing” earlier this year and deleted all the bbygate stuff I’d been saving for the inevitable end. I just can’t anymore. All the photoshop, the blatant exploitation of it all… yeah I think the best option is just not to care. If they’re gonna drag this out for the rest of my life then I’m going to ignore the shit out of it. Speaking of ignoring, I also noped out of the H and O nonsense. God. What a MESS. I liked HH, truly, but the fave for me was Matilda. To be honest with you all, I listened until I grew naturally full of the album and I moved on with my life, it wasn’t world changing to me the way FL was. HOWEVER. FITF? Lord save me i didn’t even know it was coming out and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m fucking obsessed. I’m planning a MP. I genuinely think it’s Louis’ finest work and I can’t get enough of it. Every time I listen I like it MORE. I theorize it’s going to be a slow blooming album that smacks everyone’s expectations in the face. I’m so fucking proud of Louis. I bawled real ugly tears at Common People.

And lastly as always, I believe the boys were in love but I make no claims about their lives now. I enjoy the hints and speculation and love larrying along, but I think they’ve established these personas that are bulletproof to fan speculation these days, and I feel that’s how they truly want it. And that’s cool, won’t stop me from writing Larry because it was the truest gayest baby Star crossed lovers story out there and still makes the best fan fic.

Apologies for the novel but nice to meet you if you’re new HI I’M TRYING TO BE BACK to my old chums, and feel free as always to talk to me, my ask box is always open ❤️

[pale-silver-comb]

So I know absolutely nothing about Leverage except what I've been seeing you post lately and I have to admit you're making it look tempting to watch! Can I ask what are some of your favorite things about the show/reasons you would suggest people watch it? And is there really a poly relationship that is canon?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I am going to do my best not to just “asdfghkjl” at you and answer coherently.

In a nutshell, Leverage is about 5 people. 4 are criminals (Parker, Hardison, Eliot and Sophie) with different and unique skill-sets and 1 is an ex-insurance investigator (Nate) who, at one point or another in his career, has tracked down (or at least attempted to) the other 4. The whole show is essentially: man reluctantly reforms 4 criminals to use their criminal powers for good and 4 criminals move into man’s life and stubbornly refuse to leave because, goddammit, now they have morals. 

I’ve got a lot of favourite things about the show but the main ones are as follows:

1. Found family. And I’m not talking about loners who come together to fight crime and happen to co-exist to the point where they realise they happen to have found themselves a family. I mean, Nate and Sophie are the Drunk Uncle and Wine Aunt who somehow become Mom and Dad to 3 beautiful criminal children. Mom and Dad love their criminal babies and the kids love them (as well as each other, but we’ll come to that in a moment). You get amazing family moments such as: Mom and Dad packing the kids lunch before sending them out to kick corporate greed’s ass; Mom and Dad giving the kids ridiculously expensive and personal Christmas presents causing their most Grumpy Kid to go very very quiet and soft as he runs off to gleefully play with his new murder toy; the kids interrupting Mom and Dad’s big Movie Style Kiss to ask if they can please keep their new underground layer and huffing and puffing when Dad tells them no.

2. Found family: the OT3 edition. To answer your question, the OT3 is indeed canon, confirmed by the creator. Now, usually, “confirmed by the creator” infuriates me because most of the time it’s a way for a creator to be seen as “progressive” without doing anything to actually be progressive. That isn’t the case here. The OT3 are built up carefully and while it is obvious the creators didn’t originally intend for all 3 of them to become a relationship in the romantic sense, by mid-season 5 we are given a very clear picture of where Parker, Hardison and Eliot are heading in their relationship. There aren’t any kisses at the end to signal this but there are solid marriage vows in not only one but two episodes. (And by marriage vows I mean literal equivalents of marriage vows: “for better or worse” and “’til death do us part”. I’m not even exaggerating). The OT3 also doesn’t need explicit romantic narratives to convey how much they love each other. Their love is laced through the whole show, from the way they teach each other things to the way they respond to each other and work as a unit. The way they fiercely protect and admire each other. Like someone once said, if you need characters to kiss or say I love you to let the audience know they love each other, you are writing them wrong. 

Aside from that, each of the parings in the OT3 are just. Gah. They are so well done, with friendship being the solid basis for them all. The creators never expect the audience to assume anything about them or fill in the gaps. They give us their relationships on screen and reference many things off-screen to show us how these relationships continue to build in between episodes.

Hardison and Parker are a canon couple and date in the show: it’s approached slowly and they are so goddamned sweet. They are basically every fluffy slow-burn trope with a healthy dash of mutual pining in the mix. They are basically that quote “love is patient, love is kind”. (I would like to add their romance never becomes the focus of the show or overrides the importance of any other relationship they have with the other characters, especially Eliot.)

Hardison and Eliot are the Old Married Couple and from day one are already bickering and looking at each other/making comments that are found in every UST fic ever (not to mention Hardison has a very good knack for making Eliot grin like a little kid, when usually he’s basically an Angry Little Chef Man). They argue, they play, and love each other plain as day. 

Parker and Eliot are more subtle but every bit as wonderful. They have an unspoken connection and understand each other on a level no-one else can. Parker and Eliot are not good with giving themselves over to affection for different reasons (and Hardison plays a central role in helping them realise it’s okay to want it and have it- that boy has endless patience) but there is something so beautiful in the way the two of them come together on their own and develop their own special bond that works for them. Parker and Eliot are that trope where the characters don’t need to speak to understand each other perfectly. They just do. Their love language is a lot of the time non-verbal but speaks volumes. (Parker also likes to annoy the hell out of Eliot and Eliot....just.....lets...her. Because he’s soft. The softest, grumpiest boy.) 

I could go into so much depth for each pairing and their dynamics as a 3 but that's for another post.

3. Subverting stereotypes. There is the occasional hiccup in the show regarding stereotypes but ultimately, Leverage gets an A+ when it comes to writing characters and making them 3 dimensional people who are not defined by certain characteristics or events. Nate could so easily fall into the White Man Pain trope where he uses the trauma of losing his kid as a reason as to why he is entitled to act like a dick. Nate is a dick but he doesn’t use his pain to excuse it and I appreciate that. Hardison is a black man who is soft and nurturing. Easily the most empathetic and patient of the group. He’s nerdy, an actual genius, and has the biggest heart of all the characters. Nate is maybe the glue but Hardison is definitely the heart. Media’s usual aggressive, amongst other, racist stereotypes can fuck right off. Parker is canonically autistic (I am sure this was confirmed by one of the creators) and she is not defined by it. It’s not written as some kind of singular personality trait. It’s part of what makes up Parker but it’s only one facet of who she is and not once is her actions, thoughts or feelings treated like a joke. Sometimes people don’t understand why she does and says the things she does but it’s met with patience and fondness over the course of the show. Equally, it’s not met with over-caution. Parker is just Parker. No-one tries to change her. The other nice thing is Hardison, who always makes sure Parker knows she’s amazing because of who she is and not in spite of it. Finally, Sophie is in her 40s. She’s not treated like she’s past her prime. Ever. She’s sexy, smart and never is she pitted against or compared to Parker (who is younger) for anything. Sophie is amazing and there’s never even a conversation of “I may be older but I am still *insert adjective typically associated with younger women here*”. Sophie is possibly the first female character I’ve ever seen who isn’t just unapologetic about her age but has never had to apologise for her age. It’s a non-issue and that’s that. The women on the show are written so well, right down to secondary characters and it’s beyond refreshing.  

4.) It’s just fun. The show has a “monster of the week” type format. Except instead of a ghoul or a ghost, the monster is some corrupt wealthy and powerful individual or organisation. The show draws on real-life individuals to do this and therefore closely parallels real-life people and events. It addresses important political, economical, social and environmental issues while at the same time remaining fun and light-hearted. The characters constantly get the chance to play dress up and by GOD do they have fun with it. You get to watch Eliot beat up bad guys in the most delightful of ways, usually after a witty non-sequitur and with a weapon you’d never think could be a weapon. The dialogue and back and forth between the characters is everything. And finally - my favourite thing- the team can never resist striking a dramatic pose after they’ve taken down the bad guy, making sure the bad guy sees them. I mean, they COULD just walk away, satisfied they’ve taken the person down, but nope. They gotta be dramatic bitches 24/7 and pose like they are models for every single month of this year’s Criminal Calendar.  

5.) Competence Porn. So. Much. Competence Porn.  

Honestly, I could list a thousand reasons for why Leverage is amazing but to list them would to be spoiling so many amazing moments you’d get to discover for the first time on your own if you do choose to watch it. It’s the kind of show you can watch with an eagle-eye and sink your teeth into. But it’s also the kind of show if, you would prefer, put on in the background for something entertaining while you do something else. Each episode is about the job at hand but it’s made up of so many moments between the characters that show how much the creators and writers care about them. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll do whatever it is you do when something Soft and Wonderful happens that makes your heart melt. I am so beyond grateful for Leverage. It’s everything I always wanted in a show. Nearly every show I’ve watched in the past 10 years has disappointed me in some way, usually either because the writers run out of steam or characters who I love are treated poorly or given some kind of unnecessary “shock value” arc. Leverage doesn’t do that. Leverage is what it says on the bottle. Fandom isn’t something I joined because I needed canon fix-its. Fandom only enhances and celebrates an already excellent canon. 

[vacantgodling]

Hi Ren I hope you've been doing well :) If you had to pick, who would you say your favourite oc is and what do you like most about them?

hey ish!!! i’m doing okay :’) i hope you’re doing well too & that the parousians is coming along ok!!

i have A Lot of ocs, so it’s hard to pick just one favorite however i’ll give u a couple that i’m really attached to!

hya & amon — i mean it’s kind of obvious i’m obsessed with the two of them lol. they’re kind of a package deal and their dynamic drives me insane in the best way lol. individually, i’d say that i just enjoy how the two of them are so so shaped by their experiences and the lives that they’ve lead, but neither of them will necessarily acknowledge that? it feels realistic to me in a way; messy people who can’t escape the chains of their past until they face it but they just don’t Want to face it. they both are scared of being weak, but it’s really emotional vulnerability that helps pull them out of this loop that they’re in and that’s powerful to me. also their bickering and general attitudes are so fun to write and think about haha.

darren — genuinely i love how his real strength in this whole story is his emotional maturity and his ability to befriend and make connections with other people. he’s not the strongest one there, not by a long shot. but he’s on of the most stable person there; at peace with himself even despite learning things about himself that he never knew before. idk i just want more protags that are defined by their emotional strength lol. also he’s just fucking funny to me. love that guy.

clear brightendale — i don’t talk about tcol nearly as much as i should bc y’all don’t KNOW how obsessed i am with clear mother fucking brightendale he is ONE OF THE BIGGEST BLORBOS. he’s got trauma, he’s struggling, he wants to be good and has a twisty backstory where he feels like he’s terrible, he’s got sexuality trauma, i am imprinting on him i am turning him in the microwave i am kissing him bc he’s my ANGEL.

lath — also a super huge tcol blorbo for me (and a fave of henrike bc they’re intelligent) i just love his perseverance. i love how he’s both revered and feared. how he singlehandledly made it so tcol could even be possible like agH. i also love how off he is. like myths have hero’s sure but those heroes aren’t always like charismatic guys like in his lifetime lath was actually seen as super weird and people didn’t usually like hanging around him (he rarely ever blinks, he’s super blunt, he only really cares about fighting and combat — so many of my characters are autistic coded bc it’s what i deserve) but he!! is a hero. i’m like mad excited for when he actually shows up in the main storyline bc i’m obsessed with him,,

di & toph — similar to amon and hya they’re kind of a package deal. i’ve had and been obsessed with the two of them for so long, part of me kind of mentally refers to them as the precursor to amon and hya bc they kind of are! the only thing is they actually have a much easier time expressing (especially now in this new iteration of them in lukewarm rejection) how they feel about each other and caring for one another. they’re better adjusted. if darren and gabe are on the “super loving and supportive” and amon and hya are the “toxic but they’re good for each other” then di and toph are kind of the middle ground on that lol. toph was the biggest blorbo for the longest for me until hya came to mind lolol. but that punk rock boy will always reign supreme. i love how unapologetically himself he is, and his backstory with the chains no matter how i’ve done it is one of my favorite powers i’ve ever created tbh. di snuck up on me, but he’s similar to clear in the sense that he’s one of my horses for dealing with complex real world esque pain in a way. i love how hard he tries to forge a path for himself and to just be more confident in himself bc mood. and i love how he’s got many contradictions lol :’)