#<- shut down and not be able to do it bc i feel like im being weird and too self indulgent | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ganondoodle · 5 months ago

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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #sorta #suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw #theres some construction stuff on our house going on #and my father is extremely stressed about it #he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed #my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi #to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself #which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee #and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her #to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life #BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her #without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears #and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains #but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being #always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold #but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings

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pollen · 4 months ago

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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like

#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him #last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy #idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being #and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do #genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses #that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at #being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything #else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends #i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas #except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies #because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again #and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend #i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this #idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well #which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this #and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid #and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid #so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd #but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please #i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up

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palms-upturned · 9 months ago

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#meg talks #feeling really down and frustrated #ever since i caught covid over the new year ive just been doing so badly #it’s now halfway through may and not only am i having all sorts of weird new pain problems #to the point where i dragged myself to the er yesterday bc my usual meds didn’t do shit for me and i spent seven hours writhing in pain #but also mentally im just. constantly tapped out #before covid i was able to keep up w news and work on research projects and write multiple image descriptions every day and read books #and keep up w friends all while working full time #like even if i was in bed p much whenever i wasn’t at work i could still read and write and carry conversations #now it’s like i can only handle all of these things in small doses before my brain just shuts off #im still keeping up w news and describing what i can and working on my research projects and trying to make connections #but i feel so slow abt everything i do #it’s driving me up the wall #ive been trying for days to get through this one academic paper that’s rlly not even that long #and i just can’t do it. not for long anyway i have to read in small bursts #and then having to take muscle relaxants for these fucking spasms that make me really drowsy and sleep the whole day away…#idk. it might not even be abt covid i might be reading too much into it but it’s just pissing me off. thinking abt how nobody masks anymore #and how every time there’s a covid outbreak i won’t be able to properly protect myself or my brothers from it #bc of this fuckass job #idk im just tired and upset

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moving-to-dreamwinged · 1 year ago

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sometimes i think about writing

#.mei chats #f/o #self ship #but I never Will #i don’t know why i cant just Enjoy Things And Have Fun #but i know the second i open my computer n put words on a doc i’ll like. spontaneously combust #<- shut down and not be able to do it bc i feel like im being weird and too self indulgent #i think it is. side effect of being bullied .. i cant even be Silly in peace bc i feel silently judged

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misanthropicdoe · 1 month ago

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people who are extremely emotionally repressed and incapable of expressing their feelings are most of the time only capable of feeling and expressing anger, irritation and bitterness. and they HATE seeing people who openly express all of their feelings and emotions, and are emotionally intelligent enough to understand the complexity of emotions. they absolutely hate them and it evokes such irritation and anger within them, because even if they dont understand it themselves, they are envious of ppl who dont take emotions so seriously or see it is being weak.

#i think a lot of times people get angry with me for openly being able to express my thoughts and feelings #they dont understand that when i vent about something it allows me to release the pain and severity of it a little bit #while they walk around holding that anger that turns into poison and hurts them everyday #somehow it is my fault for not being ashamed and feeling like i have to hide my #thought and feelings deep inside #the way they do.#and that for me feelings and thoughts arent written in stone #it doesnt scare me to face my dark and unsavory thoughts #they arent all i am #but somehow they get angry seeing someone dare to express everything #but its totally ok for them to fixate their anger on a total stranger that doesnt even care to take their existence into consideration while #expressing their feelings and thoughts ie they arent even abt them #idk i just cannot for the life of my understand that mindset #if you see someone vent about their experiences and thoughts and feelings #and get so angry you feel like punishing them or harrassing them #there is like something deeply wrong with u emotionally #it is just so frustrating to have to be bothered by those ppl so often #because i will NEVER shut up #i will never cower. i believe in total freedom of expressing things #even if i have to be burdened and bothered by stupid ppl trying to sew my lips shut and cut my tongue out i'll never stop #it isnt my responsibility that they cannot cope with someone just saying shit #it's just sad that this will def ensure that i'll keep have my accounts shut down on any platform 🙃#bc we dont live in a society where freedom of speech is a thing #and it will also make me very very very lonely bc not many ppl can handle someone who speaks openly #(plus im not a degenerate which many loud ppl are so i cant fit it w thm sadly)#but i've trid to keep it all inside and nod and smile but that just makes me....#have very very many homooo... ;))) cidal thoughts haha #cant live like that i'll explode #at least im glad i have my mom tbh #like very glad. she understands almost everything i say. im more extreme than her but she gets many things i say that others wouldnt

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dandyshucks · 7 months ago

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ah. hm. well. that is upsetting (understatement). the guy who made the podcast that the janitor is from made an instagram post 13 hours ago and uhhhh its ... its not good (understatement, again). and i hate the timing of this all too because i am still dealing with trying to not let an anon get to me that i got last night about this sort of shit. its never good timing but i was already feeling really awful and triggered and now i'm like ah! great! more! more of this!

here is the post if anyone wants to see but tw for pedophilia and ... honestly I would say victim blaming as well. i am kind of reeling from this and I don't know what to think. i literally only found out the post existed because a tagged podcast post just showed up on my dash like twenty mins ago mentioning it :') and im glad i saw that post bc otherwise i would've just. not found out for who knows how long. man i was just working on crocheting the janitor hat today too,,,, idk what to do augh augh augh.

i think i need to go do uhhhhhhhh i dont even know fhsdgjkl like... what the fuck !! what the fuck is wrong w ppl !!!

#also this girl who is driving me up a tree is texitng me rn and i feel like im going to snap at her and i dont want to do that 😭😭#its not her fault that she gets on my nerves ghdsjkl but goodness gracious #its been so bad fhsdjkl i have not been able to escape her especially today #anyways !! just more difficulties on top of this bullshit like i am just. having such a hard time processing this rn #i think i am going to go lie face down for a while and just shut down bc what the fuck what the fuck !!!#dandy.cmd #vent //

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itsalwaysdark · 7 months ago

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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately

#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard #mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i #meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL #also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you #guys as a whole so it doesnt count #one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying #BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me #i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to #expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak #unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here #but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh #but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone #wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who #thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity #which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical #but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck #and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎

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faithisland · 10 months ago

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fuck man it's so fucking frustrating how I'd probably love to clean and organize if i were ablebodied (or even just didn't have my specific conditions but still the nd traits)

I just can't be moving my head around like crazy. walking while moving my arms, reaching my arms down and immediately up, lowering my head to the ground to reach something and then standing back up, having no momentary neck support at any time, those are the worst for me. I would do any task, honestly. I just feel so fucking trash every time I do these kinds of things. standing is excruciating, moving my arms while doing it literally affects my consciousness to the point where I lose track of what I'm doing (and not in the typical adhd way).

as long as I can stay stationary, particularly partially lounging, I am capable of rational, logical thought. I can think through long term consequences, remember the basic physics of the universe, generally function like I am not an alien to this dimension.

#i literally drop things bc i forget im holdinf them #or i think that idk it wont drop ljke im a fuxking astronaut #i slam into things bc i forget i have a physical form #literally being up and movinf around makes my brain SO dissociated and im SO dizzy and my vision is wonky and i can barely focus on staying #up right #but i can do things like go for walks #its all about how much i move my arms and get up and down #so badically i seem like im faking it🫥#i can do 'fun' things but not work #not paying attention to the faxt that i dont much like the activities im doint #i do them to stay alive and make others happy #and genuinely i am incapable of what would make me happy #WHICH IS WORK #GENUINELY #my life is miserable BECAUSE i cant clean or move around #i hate feeling like i contribute nothing to the ppl i love #i hate not being organized #and i HATE not working so so so so so much #the sad fact is that i just really cant work #i have to somehow get better #even though no one knows whats wrong w me or believes im genion3ly experiencing it #i dont have seizures apparently its normal to collapse and go into spasms w ur eyes rolled back in your head.#apparently thats normal #apparently its fine to hallucinate my whole life and have fainting spells and confusion and disorientation and feel sensations as other thin #gs #thats kusy notmal and not indicitive of ANY neurological priblem #so i should shut up and go away and get some CBT about it #i jusy dont fucking know whatcyh3 fuck i am supposed to do #what am i supposed to do to be able to work

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pepprs · 2 years ago

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STILL wide awake! i did not put down my phone! and now im hungry. so i will not be sleeping tonight ♥️

#purrs #also… im gonna admit it. ive been up for hours cleaning out… my toyhouse accounts. not cleaning them out but cleaning them up. and im so #FUCKING mad at my 18 year old self for giving away characters that meant so much to me to 12 year olds on warriors amino who never finished #their half of the art trade… and now so many of them are like. completely out of my reach and i can never get them back. im trying to ask #for the characters ive been able to find and track them down. which for ppl who actually love and care for them im sure is predatory and #annoying bc it’s like ok you made that choice so live with it. but im so fucking mad at myself and i wish i could undo it. i know it doesn’t #matter bc i don’t do that kind of deviantart stuff anymore but like.. i gave away characters who were so special to me growing up and now so #many of them are like.. on locked / unauthorized toyhouses or deleted or the person already owns them and is never trading them and #imjust so SAD!!!!!! over pixels i know. PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER over pixels. but im so saddddd aughhhhh #delete later #(i also did clean out photos and do practice drivers tests btw. but ive mostly been doing toyhouse stuff)#also im so sad and angry charahub went down and i didn’t even know it and i can’t access my data at allll like so much precious info #on there is gone forever. pain and suffering. also it’s worth naming im not in this to like have the best most expensive whatever designs im #doing this bc i desperately want to salvage every piece of my childhood / adolescence and never let go of anything in my life ever and when #i was 18 i thought i could run away from deeply permanently hurting and betraying a friend by selling all of my characters starting w the #ones they made me and then branching off into baiscally all of them to not make it look like it was just abt them bc i couldn’t bear to be #reminded of what i had done. and now i live with the consequences. in more ways than just the characters obviously. so there’s that #(i had my reasons for doing what i had to do btw. but i will never stop feeling guilty about it or regretting how it must have felt for them #bc we were like best friends and then i turned cold and awful because i didn’t know how to communicate my needs so instead i just shut them #out and didn’t even have the decency to explain why. and it fucking sucked that i did that. lol)#* and still sucks. and i think abt it all the time and try not to talk about it for a lot of reasons but here i am so. lol

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carmenlire · 1 year ago

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I hate my job. forget all the usual complaints about people telling me they don't have inboxes while logged into gmail and the website they need to go to is actually an email address but I just.

I was helping this guy and it was just a regular interaction, with him being moderately annoying as is usual. well at the end of me scanning his papers he, out of nowhere says "wow ur so beautiful." and in my head I'm just yelling fuck!!!! because whyyyyy do men do this shit, especially when I'm at work like u r nothing but a customer to me and I will happily forget you the second I walk away. and ofc tonight my manager is working and she's like 5 feet away at the computer desk so like double fml. it's just so awkward and I feel so put on the spot and gross, you know?

well I just say thank you and take a step back (because again the interaction is done) and he doesn't take a hint but instead goes on to ask me if I have a boyfriend. I just say no and walk away.

and coworkers always say I should just lie and say yes but 1) I'm very weird about lying even as an adult and 2) something in me just resists saying I have a boyfriend so much. I'd (almost??) rather say I have a girlfriend but obviously i'm not doing that at work. idk it's almost like it feels more dishonest to say yes i have a boyfriend? but also i said no take a hint!

he didn't take a hint. he called me back over by saying he needed help with something else, which whatever, but no!! he said "u said no what does that mean. do you have a man or not" and again my manager is right there and it's so quiet in the library and i just said no again. and he pressed me AGAIN and finally i just said "i'm not having this conversation with you" and inside i was shaking? hmm that may be too much but i was just so deeply uncomfortable. and the minute i said that i feel like he got pissed-- and i saw my manager whip her head over to me. i just walked away and went to the workroom and my manager came in a few minutes later and was extremely supportive.

i just feel so gross about it all. why do men do this at work?? where i can't escape?? where my customer service rebels against the very idea of being firm or doing anything that a customer could view negatively even if rationally i know that me and my wellbeing? my sense if self? comes first (even if i know it isn't that deep).

tonight was the first time i've said no and walked away and also the first time i said point blank i'm not having this conversation. it felt good even if doing so was almost unbearably embarrassing? i was sitting in the back after my manager talked to me and i just felt. . . embarrassed.

and i KNOW this is wrong but i feel so self conscious like- do i dress provocatively at work? is it my fault? are coworkers judging me for my appearance like i'm inviting this to happen, like i want men to hit on me? i wanna ask a coworker if they think i should dress more conservatively but i was literally wearing black dress pants, a black sweater, and loafers. but were my clothes too tight? am i a complete unprofessional?

and then the whole queer thing is an entirely separate dimension. i tweet about it to vent when it happens but just-- the idea that men perceive me in such a way, especially when i am never aware of it, when i am doing nothing to cater to them, just makes me so uneasy. every time a guy hits on me at work i feel betrayed almost? like we are just customer service worker and customer. i literally dislike 99% of all people i talk to at work. and when they do this it just makes me feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and the question of boyfriend just kinda makes my skin crawl.

#i know it isnt that deep #a guy hit on me at work #this is by far the ffirst time #idk i feel like im spiraling a bit over it #part of it was that he was so fucking pushy and i actually pushed back #bc i usually play the gane abd kindly say no i dont want their number #but i have been pissed all day and him doing that just irritated me so deeply i was able to be #confident enough to just shut him down but then he didnt take no as an answer!#plus my manager was there which definitely made it worse #and idk... its just weird when guys hit on me in general bc i have so many issues with being wanted (however much its just a cheap hit)#and all that jazz... like me? literally why lol im so painfully not attractive why is a stranger doing this rn....#whatever i just got home and am ginna read a txt fic to decompress #me

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cutearose · 2 years ago

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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help #so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track #n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all #i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone #but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement #i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past #i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired #i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them #bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant #my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip #especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all #but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me #but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn #but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap #posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public #i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this #n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway #n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me #i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point #idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway #like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff #these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help #i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help #love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao #anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.

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definitelynotwinter · 2 years ago

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When is life supposed to get better again? When does it get easy? When will I wake up without everything worrying me...and when will I snap back into reality and feel light again. Without any fear, with the ability to know I'm secure and loved. To have my health no longer be failing me and to not care what others think.

Idk I'm just a miserable bitch and life will always be as horrible as it ever has been,

But God am I trying so hard for it to not be

I just wish I had a break so I can be...light. just for once.