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storiesavenged · 4 months ago

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experiment 03

bruce banner x enhanced!reader

~ wherein reader is enhanced with cryokinesis (ice powers) in a hydra lab and bruce saves them while on a mission.

~ masterlist | part 2

!! trigger warnings !!

• abuse

• ptsd

authors note ;; cryokinesis is basically like being elsa :P reader can manipulate ice to make weapons/attack or create things with. reader is adressed as three until later on.

you couldn't remember the last time you ate, or the last time you had a long, peaceful sleep. hydra had been working you like a dog, harnessing your cryokinesis- given to you by them of course- for their own benefit. they wanted a weapon that could take down the avengers once and for all. you were always gaslighted into believing they were the evil ones. you were manipulated into doing their bidding, through punishment.

"get the fuck up three. don't make me hurt you." the hydra man spat. you had fallen to the floor from pure exhaustion as they were forcing you to use your powers way beyond what your body could handle. not to mention you hadn't been fed in a few days as you had "not been behaving".

"s-sir... i can't..." you winced, your body already trembling at the thought of what he'd do to you. it was the same every time, but regardless it never failed to horrify you.

the man scoffed.

"pathetic. i can't believe we haven't scrapped you already." he said under his breath, but you had heard it clear. you didn't cry. you couldn't, they had bled you dry for tears. you were numb to every horrible thing they ever said to you. suddenly you were roughly forced to stand and dragged over to your cell. tight metal chains attached securely to your wrists keeping you suspended in the air. you silently prayed like you did each time that someday you'd get out of here. then the punches came. your body jerked with each hit, almost instantly bruising up due to how thin you were. you weren't sure how long he abused you before a loud bang rippled through the basement walls. truthfully you weren't sure what the hell was happening. one minute you're being repeatedly beaten and scolded, the next there's gunshots and yelling. your vision was blurry but you could make out the figure of a man headed your direction.

"shit... i've got a captive down here, they need medical attention.." the man trailed off, his eyes scanning your body. before you knew it you were out of the cuffs and in his arms. you wanted to fight, you knew it was one of the avengers but you didn't have the energy. you simply let it happen, hoping they would be easier on you when they inevitably jailed you again and interrogated you about the operations of hydra. you hoped that it would all be over soon, as your vision went black.

your eyes slowly fluttered open, adjusting to the bright lights of the new place you were in. as you regained more of your conscience, you noticed you were in some sort of medical room. there was a man typing away at a computer across the room from you.

"s-sir...? where am i..." you croaked, attempting to get an idea of what was happening. were they just helping you? or were there ulterior motives?

"oh, you're awake! it's okay, you're in the avengers headquarters medical wing." he explained softly, attentive to how concerned you were.

"don't worry, we won't hurt you." he added, a soft smile adorning his features. you noticed his black, curly hair, and his purple button down underneath a white labcoat.

"o-okay.." you winced a little as you moved to sit yourself up, the man rushing to help.

"hey hey hey it's okay, i've got you." he said as he helped you position yourself more upright. he was so.. kind to you. you weren't sure why, you were convinced the avengers were the bad guys. you were taken out of your thoughts by the man clearing his throat.

"guess i should introduce myself. i'm doctor banner, though bruce is fine if you're more comfortable with that." banner smiled, you couldn't help but feel at ease when he smiled. it made you feel safe.

"i... don't know my name..." you spoke softly, ashamed of yourself. you were taken from an orphanage by hydra when you were just 8, but have no recollection of it. all you'd ever known is is hydra. and the name they had chosen for you was three.

"they call me three.." you added, not sure what else to say. you truly had no sense of self. you weren't allowed to build one.

"is that what you'd like to be called?" banner asked, wanting to make sure you were comfortable.

"i don't know... i-it's all i ever knew.." you admitted, truly unsure of what to think. but you really didn't mind being called three. at first it was a positive thing, a nickname if you will. there was a man at hydra that was nice to you all the time. he called you three affectionately, as before they would just call you experiment 03. you could feel a sense of warmth from his memory, his presence was the only safe one you had ever felt during your time in hydra.

"then we'll call you three. but let me know if you don't like it, i can understand why you wouldn't.." he trailed off, sadness in his eyes. did he feel bad for you?

"u-uhm.. sir-.. d..doctor banner...?" you asked timidly. whenever you didn't use formalities with those at hydra you were punished. it was always sir or ma'am. the fear was always there.

"yeah three?" he replied, moving to grab some instruments to draw blood.

"why... did you guys help me...? i... they... told me you all were bad..." you shook as he came nearer to you with the needle in his hands. your body moved away from it, eyes widening at your own reaction. the last time you tried avoiding hydra's serum injections you were hurt badly.

banner frowned, giving a knowing sigh.

"of course they told you that. well, simply put, you were in trouble. you obviously are not with them, you were taken. right? that's why you were locked up?" he asked, to which you nodded.

"it's our duty to help people; keep them safe. would have been a different story if you were with them, though." he grabbed some more supplies from off his desk, moving slowly towards you again.

"i need to draw some blood, is that okay? i just need to do some tests." he questioned, wanting to make sure you were comfortable. he saw the way you reacted to the needle. being an abuse victim himself he understood, and made sure to not cross any boundaries.

"o-okay..." you nodded timidly, giving him permission. you couldn't help the way your body flinched as the needle went in, and you could hear him make a noise of sadness, presumably about your history which was making you afraid. you almost hated how kind he was to you, your mind was convincing you it was just to get you to trust him so he could betray you later.

"i... i'm so sorry, three. no one deserves to be put through what you experienced..." he looked deep into your eyes, sadness radiating from his own. you searched his in return, feeling a sense of understanding. like he was truly empathetic with your situation. it made you wonder if he had been through a similar thing.

"it's.. it's okay-"

"no, it's not.. no one should treat another person like that..." you swore you saw his eyes flash green, but you chalked it up to you hallucinating, after all you didn't feel much pain so you knew you were on some pretty heavy pain medications.

"i mean.. look at you. no offense but, you're thin as a twig, all black and blue.." he scanned the parts of your body that weren't covered by a hospital gown, wincing at the scars on your pale skin. you shrunk in on yourself, feeling self conscious. you hadn't seen how you looked for a long time but you could only assume it was god awful the way banner looked at you with pity.

"i'm sorry.. but you definitely did not deserve any of this. don't tell yourself you did, okay?" banner urged, you just nodded, fighting a yawn but losing.

"here, get some rest. you've been through a lot today." he said as he helped you lay back down. you fell asleep rather quickly, as you were exhausted.

bruce pov ;;

i worked on analyzing the blood samples taken from three, the results showing me what i feared. i figured they were enhanced but i couldn't be certain without doing tests. one thing that concerned me was how cold three was. my mind wandered off, only being pulled out of my thoughts when someone entered. i turned to see tony standing in the doorframe, eyeing three curiously.

"so this is the kid you saved?" he inquired, moving closer to get a better look.

"yeah, they're resting right now. i feel... awful, tony." i admitted, feeling really emotional about the whole thing.

"how come? this is no different than other rescue missions, what's different about this one?" he asked, and truth be told i wasn't sure why i seemed so emotional about three. partly due to the fact i have been in their shoes for certain, but i don't quite know why else.

"i.. well i empathize with their situation. as you know i was.. well.." i trailed off, clearing my throat.

"this one is just... i can't place it tony. this is the most severe case we've had... and... they're enhanced."

"what? like wanda and cap?" his eyes were wider now, curious as to what the story was.

"i'd assume more like cap, they jolted when i pulled out a needle to draw blood for tests so i assume there's a needle thing there somewhere." i explained, my heart aching for three, wondering just how much they went through.

"what do we know about them?"

"well.. they said they didn't know if they had a name. they've been called three. so i've been calling them three, they don't seem to mind, might be familiar for them amidst all this change." tony nodded, urging me to continue.

"i.. didn't get much else from them. i didn't want to pry too much. but medically i know they are enhanced. i'm not sure what their power is. they are also cold to the touch. at first i thought it was because they were in a basement but it hasn't gotten any better since being here. i'm not sure what that's about." i explained, knowing the temperature thing was an odd detail but i thought tony might have some input.

he walked over to three, standing next to them to examine them. he stopped at their hands, picking one up and looking at it closely. i rolled my stool closer to look at what he was seeing, noticing three's fingertips were ice. how the hell had i not noticed that before??

"i think three here has cryokinesis. ice powers. that would explain them being cold and the ice fingertips. we've got ourselves an elsa." i had to stifle laughter at the joke he made. tony's always finding nicknames for the team.

"hey tony, do you think we should give them a name? you know like... an actual name and not just a number? i can't be certain they are truly happy being called three, surely it must take them right back there.." i rambled off, shaking my head at the thoughts now entering it.

"yeah, that sounds good. got any suggestions?"

"well.. no. i asked you because you're quick to have a nickname for everyone you meet. thought you'd come up with something better than i could." i said. he stroked his stubble covered chin with his fingers, humming softly.

"how about y/n?" he suggested with a shrug.

"i like that, it suits them. i'll let them know they can choose y/n or three when they wake." i smiled. i love the way y/n rolls off the tongue, and it really does suit them.

"well, i should get going. but let me know if you learn more, i'm interested about this one." he stated before making his way out of the room. i shook my head, knowing he probably has a plan for y/n.

you woke up later the next day feeling a lot better than before. the bruises on your body healing

"hey three! how're ya feeling?" he asked, you managed a small smile.

"better, i.. well i haven't had a good sleep in years..." you frowned once more, remembering the uncomfortable cot you slept on in your cell when hydra wasn't working you half to death. you recalled how you slept light since there was always a threat.

"i'm glad you slept well." he smiled, finishing what he was typing on his computer before rolling over to you on his stool.

"so, tony and i had a chat about things and we came up with an actual name for you."

"oh, what is it?" you quizzed, particularly interested to get an actual name.

"tony suggested y/n, i thought it really suited you but ultimately it's up to you if you like it or not." he explained, you loved the way the name rolled off his tongue.

"i.. i love it doctor banner.. i'll use it." you smiled softly, feeling happy they cared about you enough to offer you a real name.

"okay y/n. i'm really glad you like it." he grinned before pulling out a clipboard and clicking his pen.

"i have a few questions for you, is that alright? if you don't feel comfortable answering just let me know- some of these are questions tony had and i would be understanding if they are uncomfortable for you." he explained, looking into your eyes once more.

"okay... i-i'll try to answer as much as i can.." you could feel your hands trembling, intrusive thoughts filling your mind. what if they were just buttering you up to use you to get hydra intel? banner frowned, seeing you trailing off into your thoughts while your hands shook with fear. he couldn't even begin to imagine what they had done to you to make you so timid and afraid.

"alright. tell me everything you know about yourself." he prompted, getting ready to write your answers down.

"well.. i was taken by hydra at a young age.. given cryokinetic powers through injections. i would say i have excellent control of my abilities, there was never a moment i wasn't training them- but because of that i don't recognize when i've pushed myself too much." you explained, focusing on your breathing to keep yourself calm as you searched through all your other memories.

"i don't remember much of anything from my life before hydra. they also... told me..." you trailed off, hands trembling once more.

"what did they say?" banner asked, a worried look on his face now.

"they told me... to k-kill you all..." you started to panic a little, worried they would hurt you because you were supposed to kill them.

"n-not that i would want to s-sir.. i-i don't want to hurt you all i swear!! i-i'm not... i'm not with them..." your breathing picked up in pace rapidly, and soon you were in a full blown panic attack, ice covering the walls and ceiling due to your emotions being on high. this caused tony to book it down to where you were.

"what the hell is happening here?" his voice boomed as he ripped open the door, ice falling from it and onto the ground. he took one look at you, curled up and rocking back and forth, hyperventilating and his face softened now knowing you weren't turning against them. he rushed to your side along with banner and took your hands in his, shuddering at how cold they were.

"y/n listen to me, can you hear me? i need you to take deep breaths okay? we're not going to hurt you. you're safe here." he spoke calmly, rubbing your palms with his thumbs to try to bring you back to reality.

"breathe with us y/n, okay? i need you to take a deep breath in, ready?" banner instructed, getting a shaky nod from you he continued to lead you through deep breathing. as you calmed down the ice went away too, bringing the room's temperature back up and with it your own temperature.

"i.. 'm sorry... p-please believe me.. i don't work for them.. i don't want to k.. kill.." you whimpered, afraid of the mere thought of having to kill them especially after they'd been so nice to you. you tucked your knees into your chest, your forehead resting on them. tony looked at bruce, an eyebrow raised and confusion in his eyes.

"hydra told y/n we were the enemy, tony. they told them to kill us. i guess they realized they were supposed to and thought we'd hurt them for it.." banner sighed, explaining to tony why this had even happened in the first place.

"i see.. i believe you y/n. if you wanted to you would have tried by now." tony rested a hand gently on your shoulder. you looked up to see a smile on his face, sincerety written on his features. he knew trust had to be built before he would offer a place as an avenger to you. after all seeing your powers in motion convinced him all that much more you needed to be on the team.

"t-thank you sir... for believing me.. and helping me.." you gave a small smile, looking at both of them.

"you've got banner to thank for that one, y/n. he's the one that rescued you." he smirked at banner, he was a genius afterall so he knew banner felt something for you.

"doctor banner.. you were the one who..." you trailed off, your mind replaying the moment you were taken out of the hydra base that kept you away from the world for so long. your eyes widened as you realized it was bruce that helped you.

"i.. how can i ever repay you..?" you whispered, not even sure how you could possibly return the favour.

"oh, y/n please you don't have to repay me at all. i did what any one of us would have done. it's our duty, i really don't expect anything in return for doing my job." he smiled. something about his smile made you feel different- good different. maybe staying with the avengers wouldn't be so bad.

authors note ;; making this a series ^^ i really loved this idea and i think it called for a series anyway as it was a very open prompt. parts will be published at my own pace

masterlist

#hulk #bruce banner #bruce banner x reader #gender neutral reader #series #angst #the avengers #marvel x reader #marvel mcu

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lowkeyed1 · 1 year ago

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great interview, definitely some info i haven't seen anywhere else... ----- ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: I don't think you could end the show without losing someone, but how did you decide it would be Graydon as opposed to Airk, Boorman, or anyone else who's life was in imminent danger?

JONATHAN KASDAN: There was some conversation about that. But we all felt that there was something beautifully tragic about Graydon, and as a character, he is our Dark Prince. We always called him the Dark Prince in our construction of the show. One of the questions we always had and hoped to keep alive to some extent throughout the season was, "Is he good or is he evil?" As the show progressed, he's pretty definitively good. His devotion to Elora was so pure, and the way he played those scenes was so lovely and tender. It felt like the thing that would most impel Elora into this final stage of her development was the loss of this completely devoted person. As is often the case with these decisions, and they're sometimes unpopular, sometimes you want the most devastating possible thing. And for her, he felt like that.

Now that Airk has come back to himself, is there any chance he and Elora would reconnect? Or is her heart fully with Graydon at this point?

She's not with either of them, frankly, at the moment. She's intent on taking a little break from the dating world entirely, and we'll see how she does with that. But conversely, Airk is not at all over her. In fact, she's only more attractive to him now that she's empress of the world and the most powerful sorcerer ever and has come into her power so fully. But I definitely think the bloom is off the rose for Elora.

If Elora hadn't changed her mind during that wedding ceremony, how bad would that have been for everyone else?

It would've been bad. One of the things that the movie set up that is a helpful bit of storytelling is this idea that this baby, they couldn't just like chuck her out the window and kill her, and that would be the end of it. There was something about her spirit that needed to be either extinguished or transported or moved in some way that made killing her not a good option, which is convenient as a storytelling device for the movie. They've got to get her back to the castle. She's going to be okay a little longer. But it's really helpful for us here in the series that there's something more at stake than simply, "Will she live or die?" There's something about her that is spirit. It's in line with George Lucas' philosophical, quasi-religious stuff about the Force. There's a great speech in Empire Strikes Back that I was just thinking about last night — that I'm sure my father wrote — which is that we're more than just this crude matter. We're celestial beings. There's something of Elora that is pure light, and it would've been really bad if he'd been able to suck that light out of her mouth.

Boorman gives his own reasoning for it, but why is Kit finally able to use the armor?

Kit's journey is about embracing responsibility. It's a very personal idea to me because I myself struggle with this very question of, "How much responsibility do I want to have? And family and who do I take responsibility for?" She's running away from that responsibility all season. In the end of the season, she finds herself moved by Elora and devoted to her, and above all the other characters, she is the one most equipped to protect her, spiritually and emotionally. Metaphorically, Elora represents the natural spirit of the world, and Kit represents our human role in that. She goes from being very selfish to very generous. It's that journey that makes her worthy of the armor.

We do see Willow and Elora defeat the Crone, but I take it, if you have your druthers that their fight is far from over?

Absolutely. It was always designed to be a three-act story. These things have to have a finite end to them. Because as a fan of these stories, I don't want to think that creators are just continuing it as long as they can to make a buck. It's nice in this day and age where there's an appetite from these streaming services for stories that do continue but aren't endless. This was very much designed and intended that this would be the first part of the story about Elora coming into her power, and then she would have to contend with darker forces beyond that.

They do end this with the charred remnants of Willow's staff and Elora's wand broken. How much is that going to be an obstacle to them? Will they need to repair those things?

You really hit on something with the staff question, and it's been something we've talked about a lot in the writer's room. It was a very intentional decision for Willow to sacrifice the conduit for his power to save Airk. We wanted him to give something up that was meaningful. It felt like a fun way to enter potentially future stories where he doesn't have that way of expressing the magic in himself and to have that be a challenge that he has to overcome.

Early in the show, we see Willow say a prophecy claims Elora Danan has to die. We saw her make it through this time, but should we still be worried about that?

Absolutely. The Crone is the Wyrm's agent. She's this talent agent, she goes out, she makes the deals, she tries to recruit the people. She's the producer, but she's not the talent herself. The Wyrm is the thing. And that dark force that presses against the light is still very much out there in the world to be contended with.

When we get to those final moments of the season, Graydon seems to be waking up on this battlefield that we've seen in Willow's nightmares. Is that accurate?

It's so accurate that the moment we finished shooting Warwick standing up in that battlefield, we were like, "Okay, get Warrick out of there, throw Tony in." We were racing the clock to do it. And Tony was in position not 10 seconds after Warwick had vacated it.

The final battle really reminded me visually of the Harry Potter wand duels. How much of a visual reference point was that for you?

Huge. There's the promise of a lot of things in that final scene. But the big one for me is that in a character like Elora, much like Luke Skywalker or Harry Potter, there is the potential for incredible good and incredible darkness. We wanted to complicate the meaning of that a little bit over the course of the season and not have such hard and fast concepts of good and evil. Particularly Star Wars has a very clear bad guys-good guys thing, and we've made it much more in our series about desires versus ideals and the conflict between those two forces within ourselves. Certainly, that conflict is alive in Elora. The temptation of what the Wyrm represents is powerful. Ellie communicates it in this almost ecstatic way that she plays out the battle with the Crone. It's terrifying and hard, but it's also clearly getting her off a little bit (laughs). We really wanted to play on that and unequivocally with that final scene, stay with the fact that the potential for something really bad is in her too. Something really rather destructive is in her too.

Should we interpret that final version of Elora that Graydon sees as her potential alternate path?

Yes. And as the clear statement of intention by the bad guy.

You said before you'd like to have Val Kilmer appear in a second season.

There's nothing I would like more. The world is unpredictable, but certainly the runway has been laid for him, and we'd love it.

But you did have Christian Slater as a guest star. Is there another 1980s heartthrob you'd love to have on the show?

I'm a huge Billy Zane fan. If I could find a way to use that man in Willow, I would be very pleased. He's under-appreciated, under-loved and brilliant. I'm not the only one who feels this way. He's done some great stuff lately. So I'm hopeful that he's someone we could use someday.

Hulu and Disney+ are a package deal, and with Reservation Dogs, there are now two Elora Danans in the Disney family. Is there some crossover potential there?

(Laughs) No, but we invited them all to the premiere. They weren't able to make it, but we are still fighting for an opportunity to have a coffee between our two Elora Danans. They need to sit and do a photo shoot together or something. It's too perfect. That show is unbelievably great. I would love to have Devery Jacobs guest star on the show. That would be a really fun idea.

Is there any news you could share on a potential season 2?

Only that I'm sitting in my office and continuing to plan and scheme. It's a strange time in the business. It's a transformative time for Disney. So, I couldn't tell you anything that felt certain, except that we're continuing to work on this with every intention of doing more.

Can you tease where you envision it going from here?

The events of the finale have to be dealt with in a meaningful way at the top of wherever the story goes and the implications of the trauma those events caused to our characters and where it lands each of them. I'd love to get these characters out of that desert. Beyond that, they're all looking at very clear conflicts that were deeply positioned in season 1. Specifically, with Jade, the question of her loyalties and where her politics are going to land her is at the forefront in our minds in terms of where that character can go and, and how she's torn between love and country a little bit. There's no shortage of directions that we'd love to explore, but at its core, it is about this conflict between this otherworldly entity and our heroes. And that's far from over.

#willow 2022

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antisyscourse · 7 months ago

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Im a system host and something bad happened in my system and I need to vent for a bit if that’s okay.

Please tell me other systems have crazy things happen in their inner worlds like headmates having powers I feel insane right now.

So headmate A is a headmate who was very important to me discovering my plurality, he’s been very adamant that I’m a system ever since he showed up. Meanwhile headmate B is a headmate who’s main goal seems to be to fakeclaim me, voice my doubts about being a system, and point out anything he sees as evidence of this not being real or imaginary. Needless to say A and B don’t like each other.

I’ve been trying to bond with B and get him to come around, at one point I enlisted A’s help and we forced B to hang out via inner world powers A had. After this I realized using force was a horrible idea and apologized to B. Since then I’ve played video games with B a few times and I think that he could slowly come around some day, but A hasn’t really gotten the idea of using force out of his head.

This culminated in A snapping at B and using the inner world powers to take B hostage (I’m not joking) until B promised to stop fake claiming us. This sent me and many others in the system panicking as A was hurting B pretty badly. Luckily the situation didn’t last long (it happened late at night while I was trying to get to sleep and was resolved the next day) some other headmates used weird inner world powers to fight A and won so B is safe now.

So headmate A is a fictive of an evil character who’s done some very bad things in his source. That being said he seemed to become a much kinder person within the system and I genuinely trusted him and saw him as a friend. One thing he’s been struggling with is feeling inferior to his source now that he’s became nicer, I’ve tried my best to comfort him but I don’t think I said the right things. A isn’t really being honest about why he did it but I’m sure that was part of it. I feel like I should’ve seen the signs as A was making threats before this that I kind of just brushed off as non serious and I feel like I should’ve been able to help A before he got to this point of lashing out due to insecurity. I feel like a bad host, I know it’s not my fault but I just wanted everyone to get along and I failed and now one of my closest friends within the system did something very bad.

And what makes it worse is that this attempt to get the fake claiming to shut up has only made me doubt myself more. I feel like this kind of stuff shouldn’t be possible within a headspace or inner world or that headmates aren’t supposed to have powers inside the inner world even though I’ve heard about inner world stuff like this before. So now I just feel crazy even though I’m sure I wouldn’t get this worked up about it if it was imaginary. I just don’t know what to do.

oh goodness grief, i'm so terribly sorry that happened anon. D: i will say that you are not alone in this!! we have alters with things like powers as well, we have introjects of gods and such, so it's not just you, and you're not fake for experiencing that!! i do hope that all is well within your system soon!! i pinkie promise you're not a bad host!! please take care lovely!!

[ID: STOP! this is a syscourse free blog! it is a safe space for all systems, so please go away if you intend upon stirring up drama!]

#did osdd #did #osdd #actually did #actually osdd #osdd system #osddid #did alter #actually plural #plural system #plural positivity #plurality #system things #system stuff #system #sysblr

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paramorearchived · 9 months ago

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June 27, 2007

Transcript:

redemption. it's a long story.

re-demp-tion |riˈdemp sh ən| noun 1. the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil : God's plans for the redemption of his world.

there is something that has been on my mind for a while, now, pertaining the song, "Misery Business". i haven't really known what to say about it or how to say it... but honestly, after talking to the guys about it, we feel like what's important is that we try. (whether it sounds "cool" or not). it might get a little personal but here goes nothing.

(in a week or so, i'm going to take this next paragraph down... so read up while you can, if you like details).

"Misery Business", like we've explained before in interviews - and even in past LJ posts - is a true story. the song was written at a time in my life that i felt very bitter towards a girl, who i still haven't forgiven, for a lot of things that she did a few years ago. until this person came into mine and my friend's lives, i had no idea what power someone could have over another. i watched her use sex to manipulate one of my friends, in particular, to the point that none of us - in our little circle of friends - recognized him. he went from being someone so innocent and joyful to becoming someone who was shut off from everything. needless to say, it hurt. not only because he was a close friend but because i felt that i was in love with him. (i know, you can't be in love when you're this young.. right? whatever). either way... the pain that i felt, i decided to hold inside. i thought that if people knew how hurt, angry and bitter i'd become, they'd think i was a bad - or worse, a weak - person because of it. (now, to keep this from getting any longer or any more personal, i'll finish this part of the story by saying... he eventually decided that the relationship had nothing to do with love and after that discovered that our friendship was becoming something different. we sorta fought it for a while because we figured it wasn't smart to start dating so young, especially after what all had happened, but fighting it just made it harder and the next thing i knew, we were an item. (no one uses that term anymore, really...)

i can remember exactly where i was and what everything looked like around me when i was writing the lyrics. i forced myself to relive some of the very vivid memories that i have of the times he dated her. i don't think anyone can understand how awkwardly dark those times were at such a young age. but i do. to finally explain my side of the story and feel freed of it all... well, i was so angry and so happy at the same time. every word i wrote was like a thousand weights lifted off my shoulders. no more burden. what i didn't realize, as i wrote some of those lines, was that while i was escaping one burden, i was also giving myself another.

"but god does it feel so good... to steal it all away from you now. and if you could then you know you would. cause god it just feels so... it just feels so good."

i'm ashamed to say that, although i'm a believer in Jesus Christ and i claim him as my God, when i wrote those lyrics i wasn't addressing him. i was using his name casually. in vain, to be blunt. if you know much about the Christian religion (which i'm not too fond of addressing my faith as), you'll probably know that one of the ten commandments is "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain"... it goes on to say, "...for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." As a believer in Christ, that last part scares the hell out of me. i don't want to be held accountable for being the cause of so many people using his name in vain. you don't have to believe in what i believe and no one in Paramore is ever going to go around forcing our faith into people's lives... but believer or not, i might have led some of ya'll to believe that i take my saviour lightly. and i don't.

God brought me through everything that i say in "Misery Business". i believe that i am a stronger person because those things happened in my life. through that situation, i learned so much. when i sing that song now, i'm not the same person i was when i wrote it. when i sing those lines that i used to sing in vain, i mean them in a different way. i don't want to opportunity to be held responsible for causing a lot of people to use my God's name in vain. so, whether or you not you believe in Christ. whether or not you care if it means something when you say God. just know that as for me, when I am singing those lines, i'm telling God that it feels good to stand up for myself and be victorious after long months of confusion and pain. i don't hurt the same way anymore.

sorry this was so long winded. i know we don't usually speak out about our faith. mostly, because our faith is personal to us. but i really felt like i needed to say something, before it was too late. thanks for reading. the guys aren't responsible for whatever mess this post could possibly get us into, hayley

#paramore #hayley williams #riot #livejournal #2007 #misery business

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iturmom · 2 years ago

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i physically cannot sleep. i'm kinda starting to get tired but i cannot fall asleep there's absolutely nothing i can do to shut my brain off i just cannot quit desperately trying to figure out how i can prevent my life from spiralling into danger. but i don't think any of the ideas i have come up with could work. there's literally nothing i can do. i have absolutely no control over my life it is not mine anymore. ffs i was forced to exist against my will the least they could do is not fucking torture me for it but this is just how the powers that be operate they see us as no more than livestock. if there was anything (morally sound i don't value my life over anyone else's i would rather just die i refuse to compete) i could possibly do to stop suffering i would start right away god knows i can't sleep. but there's nothing. i'd even sell nudes at this point but no one wants that there's millions of free nudes online and i don't have anything to offer i mean i have nice assets but so do the millions of other free nudes online? i know how to paint pretty well but i don't know how to make art and i don't think i will ever be a good artist and i don't care i don't have anything to prove i don't want to compete i have nothing to offer there's plenty of great art out there and it's not going to come from me bc i just don't have it in me. i want to sell commissions but no one wants to buy paintings from someone who's not an artist. i literally just have no options for a job with a living wage. i have nothing to fucking offer that the powers that be value enough to let me survive. and i had 5000 from tax returns and covid stimulus. i could survive on that money for a little while. but my mother tried to kill me because i am nonbinary and mentally ill and not a fascist and a lot of other reasons she hates me for that are just not deserved. she tried to kill me. her husband helped hold me down. they twisted my arms and legs. my mother knocked my phone out of my hand and i was wailing begging for my partner i was on the phone with to help me somehow. until my mother silenced me with her hand on my throat. she choked me 4 times. when the cops arrived she was still on top of me and i got arrested. and i was homeless and i wasn't safe there obviously so i had to travel between alabama and texas for court i could not stay in alabama it was not safe. so i had to spend all my savings for the court bullshit and of course the case just ended up getting dismissed because she attacked me. but now i'm just left to die. i get no reparations. my mother tried to kill me the state arrested me for it and costed me my life's savings and everyone just tells me tough shit. i can't get disability even with all my trauma i can't fucking function without constant distraction or i'm just constantly tortured by cptsd. as mentioned i am too fucked up to function but i also have nothing to offer an employer i'll never make a living wage! honestly i'm being fucking purposely personally tortured by the world and they'll just keep getting away with it because no one will fight for me. my mother fucking tried to kill me for being nonbinary no one cares. i was date raped no one cares. i was an orphan. you know i busted my ass to build myself a stable living by my fucking bootstraps by 23 and had it all taken away from me by a violent roommate who attacked me and once again the police did nothing to help and rejected my protection order. one person chose evil one time and ruined my life irreparably. not to mention just the fact that i was forced to live with sketchy people just to afford to survive and all the fucked up shit that causes that to be the case. i'm fucked. and it doesn't fucking matter. i'll never have my life back. i'll never have autonomy over my life. my life was stolen from me and now i'm forced to suffer with no other option available.

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primal-slayer · 11 months ago

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2002 Julian McMahon Centennial Charmed interview

JULIAN MCMAHON Quenching Julian's Fire XPosé Issue #76 By Steven Eramo

He's the demon who came in from the cold, saved by his love for a good witch. But now his days are numbered as Charmed's Julian McMahon tells Steven Eramo.

As the old saying goes, "All good things must come to an end," and that goes for bad things who are trying to be good as well. The 100th episode of Charmed, rather straightforwardly entitled "Centennial Charmed," sees the final reckoning for the reformed demon who's stolen the show for the past two and half years. Sometime in late January, Julian McMahon will make his last appeareace as Cole Turner, to the dismay of the many fans who campaigned to keep him on the show last spring.

It was the actor's own decision to leave, and it was not one he took lightly. "This past summer I began thinking that I needed to push myself more as an actor," he notes. "That sort of spun off into 'What else can I do as Cole?' I thought it was best that he go out with a bang as opposed to a whimper, you know? This character has been so good to me and producer Brad Kern and the show's writers have been just terrific that I felt I had a duty to leave them in a way that made them feel 'Wow, that was good. I wish Cole was were still around to write for.' That's a great place to be at with a character."

"After discussing things with Brad, we both thought that we would be drawing things out if we kept Cole around. I not only believe that it was unjust for my character, but also for the three girls. I didn't want to hold them back in any way. After all, Cole has dominated their characters' lives for the past three years. I also didn't want the viewers to get bored with him. So Brad and I decided that it was time for my character to move on and we more or less set in motion his demise from episode one to episode 12."

That plot arc brings to the end a rocky romance that began in the third season opener "The Honeymoon's Over," and has endured even more upsets than even Liz Hurley's lovelife. Phoebe Halliwell didn't find it hard to fall for devilishly handsome district attourney Cole Turner when he first walked into her life, but then she had no idea that Cole was, in fact, a half-human, half-demon assassin hired to dispose of the Charmed Ones by the evil Triad. Luckily for Phoebe and her sisters, Cole's human side fell in love with her, and after renouncing his former evil joined forces with Phoebe and her bewitching siblings in their fight against the forces of darkness.

"When my character was first introduced at the start of the third season it opened a new chapter for the show as well as the cast, producers, writers, etc," says McMahon. "It was one of those things where everyone was running on a 'this is all brand new for us' type of energy. My concern was whether or not this could sustain itself for the rest of the season let alone beyond that. I needn't have worried though. Little by little, Cole pulled away from being so oriented towards Phoebe and began to establish his own identity. He became almost an antithesis to the three girls. This continues into the fourth year when they were also bringing in a new sister, Paige, in the fold. Even then, I felt like the writers and Brad Kern [executive producer] continued to work really hard at maintaining my character's initiative and steadfastness. I owe them a lot."

They certainly gave McMahon challenging material to work with. Cole was finally stripped of his demonic powers in the fourth season episode "Black as Cole," and had barely adjusted to being fully human before he was taken over by the Source of All Evil. Yet even after he assumed his place as the new ruler of the Underworld, Cole's love for Phoebe was in no way diminished, as the small part of his human self that survived cared about her more than ever. As Cole struggled with his feelings for Phoebe he continued his reign of terror as the Source.

"As for the Source," comments the actor who had to bring off this dual role, "the most challenging part about playing him was that he had a dynamic to him unlike that of any other entity ever on Charmed. First of all he was in love and had a relationship with one of the witches. Second, here's a demon who is part human and experiencing inner conflicts that none of his kind had ever struggled with before. He had to find a way to cope with and understand what was happening to him while at the same time try to maintain his place in the world. Cole was originating this path if you will for a situation that had never been explored on this show. This gave me so much to experiment with as an actor, and I took it like a fish to water. I mean, who wouldn't want to play the Source. Give me a role like that any day."

Although he was all-powerful, one gift that the Source did not possess was that of second sight. For that he needed a beautiful demon called The Seer to advise him on matters pertaining to the future. First seen in the fourth season story "Charmed and Dangerous," this character was played with snake-like charm by Debbi Morgan. "Working with Debbi is fantastic," says McMahon. "She's not only a real professional but also a warmhearted and beautiful individual. Best of all, she laughs at my jokes. So that's a recipe for a great person in my life.

"With The Seer, you had this wonderful dichotomy of my character being omnipotent but having to work with an entity who was, in some ways, even more powerful than him. The relationship as originally concieved was, I felt, extremely well-written. There were so many levels to play with and Debbi and I had a lot of fun fleshing it out. We were quite lucky, too, in that the directors we worked with on the show gave us a fair bit of leeway to try a number of things. I just loved how the dynamic between our two characters turned out."

But there was only one woman for Cole, and after a severe case of cold feet, Phoebe finally agreed to marry him in the fourth season story "Marry Go Round." However, unknown to the bride-to-be, her marriage is not a holy one. Prior to the ceremony, The Seer told Cole that if he married Phoebe in a "black wedding" it would ensure that their future son would be even more powerful that he is. So that's exactly what he arranged to do. This episode is a particular favorite of Julian McMahon's.

"Once I picked up the script and started reading it, I couldn't put it down," recalls the actor. "I kept thinking, 'How are we going to get around this? How is this going to work? How do we manipulate events in order to get where these two people are finally married?' There were so many different things for Cole to do in it. The writers gave me such a wonderful expose of my character in which to work with. I really tried to push the boundaries as far as I could with it. Again I was fortunate that Chris Long directed this episode. He's directed Charmed before and the two of us get along very well. Whenever I come to him with a suggestion he takes the time to listen and think about what I've said. He give me the tools I need as an actor to do my job.

"I remember one scene in this episode where the Seer is explaining to Cole that he must conduct the ceremony as a black wedding. As she's doing so, I'm walking in a big circle around the cave that we're in. I made the camera look at every part of the set, which meant it had to be lit in a very specific way. That's not an easy thing to do on a TV show. If you're shooting a feature film then you have days to set things up, but on the small screen you're talking about having to do a big task in a short period of time. I went to Chris and asked 'Can I do this? I know it's going to be difficult but I think it'll create a certain level for the story that we need to start off at.' He agreed with me and was totally supportive. Talk about a great way to work."

Most brides and grooms promise to love each other "until death do us part," but that moment came sooner than anyone could have expected for the Turners. Before the season had even reached its end, Phoebe was forced to do the unthinkable and vanquish Cole. When the first rumors about the episode hit the 'Net, Cole's fans deluged Xposé with letters calling for a campaign to save the character, so what was McMahon's initial reaction when he received the script for "Long Live the Queen"?

"Brad actually called me beforehand and said, 'There's an episode coming up in which Cole is vanquished. I want you to know it has nothing to do with you leaving the show. We're just creating a story arc we feel is necessary.' I told Brad I wasn't worried at all and he said, 'I know, I just don't want you hearing from someone else that you're being killed off the show because it's not true. You'll be coming back in another story.'"

Sure enough, the fourth season finale "Witch Way Now?" revealed that Cole is still alive but fighting for his life in demon limbo. When Phoebe paid him a visit in this hellish netherworld he asked for her help to escape, but his pleas fell on deaf ears. Instead he absorbed the powers of other vanquished demons in the show's fifth season's opener "A Witch's Tail," and returned to the real world on his own. Now stronger than ever, Cole told Phoebe that he planned to use his powers only for good, but it's a promise that the ex-Source found difficult to keep.

"Going into this [fifth] year we knew we had a certain amount of episodes in which to achieve a specific goal," explains McMahon. "That gave the writers a lot to write and the ability for me to play my character in a far different way than I had up to now. I started out the year being the most powerful demon there is but choosing not to use any of my powers. I don't know if the audiences noticed, but during the first five episodes, I tried to keep Cole's hands in his pockets the whole time. I knew that if he brought his hands out he might do something wicked with them. If that were to happen it would have been destructive to my character's ultimate goal, which was to maintain his relationship with Phoebe.

"Basically I took a page of the old fifties type movies when portraying Cole this season. I've tried to create a Cary Grant-type of gentleman who, circumstances notwithstanding, is a guy that audiences are still going to root for."

Having Cole back in her life was the last thing Phoebe wanted, and his promise to "be good" did little to change her mind. "With Phoebe it's the classic scenario of a woman scorned," says McMahon. "That's made Cole all the more challenging for me to portray this season because Alyssa has had to be kind of non-responsive to him. In some ways, his desire for them to be together tends to border on the psychotic. All of us have at one time or another been told 'no' about something and had to move on. Well, Cole can't move on, and as such he pushes himself to the edge. I especially enjoyed working on the episode "Y Tu Mummy Tambien" ["The Mummy's Tomb"], which happened to be directed by Chris Long. In that one Cole goes over the edge and there ain't no coming back."

McMahon shot his last scene as Cole on Monday, December 2, 2002. Not surprisingly, it was a bittersweet moment for him. "As scary as it is to get back out there in the world and book the next job I was excited about the prospect," he says. "On the flip side, I was really sad about leaving this cast and crew. I'm not the best at goodbyes, so it was tough to think that after being with these people for three years and twelve hours a day that I was leaving and didn't know when, or if, I'd see them again. I truly feel that I've been blessed being a part of Charmed."

When it comes to what he'd like to do next, McMahon has this to say. "I just want to do good work. It doesn't matter if it's on TV, the big screen or even onstage in a little theatre here in Santa Monica. I'd like to continue to challenge myself as an actor. That's what I'll be striving for." https://charmeddestined.proboards.com/thread/1041/julian-mcmahons-departure-charmed

#Charmed #charmed season 5 #julian mcmahon #cole turner #phoebe halliwell #alyssa milano #holly marie combs #rose mcgowan

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myhappyxending · 4 months ago

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Regina's conversation with Henry left her reeling. He accused her of not caring about him and caring more about magic. When he called her out on being made to feel crazy, she tried to convince him that having magic was the answers to all of his problems. He was having none of it, and it didn't matter how much she tried to sway him. When he told her that he didn't want to be her, something inside her remembered when she didn't want magic, when she didn't want to be evil. It tugged at something deep in her heart. She didn't go after him. She let him have his space and headed down stairs to think about everything that still had to be done to protect her family.

Regina sat staring at the book in front of her, contemplating what to do next when her front door was rammed in and David came in and brandished a sword at her. She narrowed her eyes as he demanded to see Henry. She stepped toward David, seeing the fear in his eyes as he leveled the sword at her throat. "Henry, come down," she called without taking her eyes off of David. She didn't dare take another step. "You won't be using your sword," she informed him, voice soft.

"Whatever you conjure, I can fight," David said, leaving the sword between them to keep Regina at a distance.

She then lifted her hand, pushing the sword away from her neck. "I mean, you won't need to use the sword," she informed him, careful to not cut her hand on the blade in doing so. She looked up as Henry descended the staircase toward them. She moved slowly up the steps, not taking her eyes off of her son as she tried to commit his very image to memory. Not that she didn't already have him memorized from when he was a baby until this very moment.

She stopped a couple of steps below him so that they were eye level. "Henry, you're going to go home with David." The tears she was holding back stung her eyes, causing her to nod when he asked her if she really meant that. "Really," she spoke softly. "I shouldn't have brought you here. I was…" She paused, trying to find the right words as she tilted her head and changed tactics. "I don't know how to love very well. I wasn't capable of it for a very long time. But I know, I remember, that if you hold onto someone too hard, it doesn't make them love you."

She leaned in a little closer as it seemed that she was getting through to him. "I'm sorry I lied to you. That i made you feel like I didn't know who you are. But I want you to be here because you want to be here. Not because I forced you, and not because of magic." The emotion in her voice caused it to crack slightly as she reached to take his hands gently in hers. The slight smile that Henry gave her the courage to continue. "I want to redeem myself. Go get your things." She watched as Henry turned and headed back up the stairs. She barely had time to reflect on what had just happened when David's voice from behind her caused her to take a shaky breath.

"Then prove it."

"How?" she asked, turning to face him.

"Answer one question. Does it exist?" David asked, hope having never left his heart that his wife and daughter were in the Enchanted Forest and that there was a way to get them back.

"What?" she asked, seemingly confused at his question.

"The Enchanted Forest. Our land. Does it still exist?"

She moved down the steps toward David. She swallowed the lump that started to rise in her throat. "Yes. But I have no idea how to get back there." She tilted her head slightly, seeing the look in his eyes and recognizing it well. "I see I just launched you on a heroic quest." She needed him to remember that he was also responsible for Henry now, and that mattered as well. "Just also make sure you take care of my son."

"That I can do."

She watched as the two of them left out her busted front door, knowing that she had a lot of work to do if she was ever going to see Henry coming back through that very door. She took the book and locked it away so that it didn't fall into the wrong hands.

-----

Regina had really been trying not to use magic as the days passed. She had been going and seeing Archie as a way to help control herself, and it seemed to be working if you didn't count the instance of Dr. Frankenstein bringing back Daniel. When she had to magic him away, it only renewed how much it had hurt her to lose him the first time. All these emotions on top of trying so very hard to repair her damaged relationship with Henry, she didn't know if she could take anything else. So when David called her to tell her about the nightmares that Henry was having and seeing someone in a burning room, she didn't hesitate to come and stay with him while David went to take care of business. She was only too happy to do it as it would give her time with Henry.

So to now be in Gold's shop, her emotions were all over the place. She didn't want Henry to have to endure the nightmares, but it was a side effect to the sleeping curse that she'd put him under instead of Emma. So it was another thing to add to the list of what she had to make up for. The only thing keeping her mind at any kind of ease was the little bag around her son's neck that Gold had given him to protect him from being hurt further in his dreams. It was a small blessing, but a blessing none the less. After learning that Emma and Snow were okay, things only proved more complicated when it was her own mother that they had to escape the Enchanted Forest to get away from.

Her lips fell into a straight line as Chris entered the back of Gold's shop. Who the hell invited her? They didn't need her. She would only get in the way and cause more issues. She tried to refocus on attention on the story that Gold was telling a now sleeping Henry. She chanced a look at David then at Chris before keeping her eyes solely focused on Henry. She didn't need anything distracting her and keeping her from protecting him the only way she knew how. And that was with magic. The only difference this time was that she'd been given Henry's blessing to use magic if absolutely necessary and for good.

She started to pace around Gold's shop as Henry seemed to be sleeping peacefully, then suddenly he was crying out and wide awake. She was instantly at his side, but David beat her to the spot beside him on the cot. She stood over the men, trying to make sure he was okay as they both grilled her son for answers.

"Did you see her? Did you tell them?" Gold's insistence felt out of a character, but deep down, he wanted no harm to come to the boy. And Storybrooke still needed the Savior that lived inside Emma.

Henry frowned, shaking his head. "No, I didn't get the chance. Something…Something happened. She…She got sucked out of there." He then lifted his hand, revealing a bad burn. He was in a lot of pain as he groaned. "And some…something's wrong."

"Henry?" Regina unbuttoned his sleeve, revealing how badly he'd been burned while in the sleeping nightmare with Aurora. "Henry." She gently laid his arm on his chest, regretting that she'd ever let any of them talk her into letting him do this. It was dangerous, and she wouldn't stand for it again. She placed a cold compress over his arm, but then Gold used his magic to heal Henry's arm.

She turned to Gold then, wanting answers. The magic in the bag around his neck was supposed to have protected him, but it failed. "What caused this?"

"When you venture deeper into the netherworld instead of away, there are risks. Someone woke Aurora before her soul was ready to return. The violence of that act tore her away and injured Henry. We're lucky it wasn't worse. He's going to need some time to recover before he can be sent back." Gold spoke, clutching the handle of his walking cane.

"Out of the question," Regina said immediately at the same time as the others protested. The look on her face was that of incredulity at the mere thought of Henry going back under and risking his life. He was just a ten year old boy. She wouldn't allow Gold or anyone else to risk Henry's life.

Chris could be diplomatic when she wants to. She just doesn't, most of the time. And she will not be afraid to make a face or say something when Regina steps out of line. That woman was the master of an instrument named Chris's nerves. But this is a power game, and Chris is a very good player.

It's been a couple of days, almost a week, and Chris spent most of them in her room at granny's or helping David out at Mary Margaret's apartment. And once she heard about Henry seeing things in his sleep, talking to someone in the other realm, in the enchanted forest... maybe there was a way for Emma to come back.

So, she showed up at Mr. Gold's shop. She hasn't met him yet, but from what she understood from David, Mr. Gold is or was rumplestiltskin. She still needs to wrap her head around the people and who they were/still are. She pushed the door open and stepped inside, looking around at all of the miscellaneous stuff hung on the walls or displayed on the counters, making sure to not touch anything so she doesn't contract some curse or another. Or the plague. She ventured deeper into the store, going into the back, watching Mr. Gold, David and Regina all standing over Henry who was laying on a tiny cot that reminded her of the folding cots they used in the army when traveling on foot. That almost sent a shiver down her spine.

She watched as Mr. Gold waved his hand over Henry, creating a faintly purple glow, her eyebrows drawing together before she cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"Oh, Chris, good, you're here."

David said, getting up to shake Chris's hand and fill her in on what's happening, before she turned to Mr. Gold, looking him over, trying to assess a threat.

"This is baby name guy?"

She murmured to herself, not really believing that the old, skinny man sitting next to Henry's makeshift bed was the all powerful wizard David had made him out to be. Nonetheless she stepped forward, trying to get a sense for what was happening.

She stood over regina, looking over her shoulder at Henry, checking if he was alright. What gold did seemed to be some kind of... healing magic. She would have to add this to her notebook, later. She never thought she'd learn about actual magic. In moments like these she liked to ask herself exactly what in all of fuck Emma had roped her into. But this time she was unsure whether Emma even knew the answer herself.

"Your majesty, Mr. Gold,"

Chris greeted with a nod each, her hands strictly behind her back. That was where they usually rested, old habits die hard.

She didn't really care to be introduced to Mr. Gold right now, she wanted to get as much information as she could about how they could use this to bring Emma and Mary margaret back.

And God dammit, if it was needed, she'd take Henry's place on that bed in a heartbeat.

#t; must be strangely exciting #that-obsessed-gay-girl

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ragnarokhound · 1 year ago

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18 + 20 for the ask game!

<33

18. Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

I have tried to use proper outlining before, writing something out in full before I start really writing the prose, and honestly it sometimes sucks the idea out of me prematurely @_@ It tricks my brain into thinking 'ah, yes, good job you have told the story. We're Done Now' and the rest of me goes 'wait what' - so a full outline of the story usually doesn't get written lol

But I will drop notes for a scene idea as they come to me when I'm in the middle of writing, so that I don't lose the idea and can flesh them out later as needed. I like being able to move them around in the continuity like little notecards, but still be grounded in my word doc. I tend to jump around (the morning of the sex scene in Sit, Stay, Speak was one of the first scenes I wrote for it lol) so I'm often bridging from Point A to Point G with my little [Jason finds something else in the apartment] notes helping pick up the slack in between. Can't just go from [Jason finds the photos] to [Jason wakes up with Tim naked (EXCEPT THE COLLAR OwO)] straight away lol we GOTTA WORK FOR IT

I also write notes about the story at the end of the word doc for myself to reference if I'm stuck; when I needed to know why Tim was mad in my latest fic "sigh no more", I worked out some key notes on his emotional timeline during the two and half weeks that Jason went missing, and it helped a lot with pinning down his dialogue and emotional state!

So tldr - sort of? It's been kind of fun discovering my own writing process and how trying to force myself into a mold of how I ""should"" be writing doesn't really work lol

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

Anything that gets the hyperfocus to trigger lol - when I get stuck on a scene I have to find a way to trick myself into finding it interesting which usually means framing it as a puzzle to be solved, and also cutting off my brain's usual distraction shortcuts. Like, no girl, I know you're conflict averse but we don't need another cup of tea just because you don't want to write the girls fighting.

(side tangent: there was this guy I knew in college who I found Awful - but who i was also attracted to against my will. He was funny and smart and a little bit sad (! the bait), but also wore a shirt that said "ayn rand is my home girl" and was a poli sci major. He was the definition of "i can fix him". Two of my friends quietly fought over him and I think it damaged their friendship irreparably, if not outright killed it. He had evil charisma and I never understood wanting to punch someone in the mouth yet also wanting to dick them down until I met him. When I write Tim and Jason's early relationship like, right after Titan's Tower, this is the energy I seek to capture)

ANYWAY Usually the coffeeshop down the road does the trick: temperature controlled, wearing a light layer I can take off or put on but hopefully don't even need so I stop being distracted by it. Music playlist that becomes white noise. Ready access to tea & food. Sitting upright in a chair and, unfortunately, not curled up on anything too comfy :') Blinds open so I can stare outside rather than at tumblr when I'm trying to think something through - tumblr steals my problem-solving brain from me, and I need that program to be running uninterrupted when I'm stuck lol

And apparently the ability to pick up my laptop and walk around with it - ever since my laptop battery busted and I need to be plugged into a wall to use it, my ability to write from home TANKED. It doesn't help that my roommate uses the dining table (the preferred spot) when they're working from home, and my laptop can only barely make it to the coffee table in the living room (the next runner up) from the outlet. Also it's a pure brain trick - my laptop is fettered. Therefore I am fettered. I must be FREE OTL

That got really long Thanks for the questions! <33

#I still think about that poli sci guy sometimes #hope he's different #hardlycats #I hear you're still sick dear :( I hope you're getting lots of fluids and resting when possible!! emergen-c helped me when i had covid #get well soon <3 #asked and answered #my writing #ask game #writing

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fictionfixations · 1 year ago

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Of the afterlife & special places for heroes (old school stuff. dont remember the original question)

That the ability to fight, to have courage and die an 'honorable' death in battle, not backing down, is special. That not everyone is like that, in the same way not everyone is a good person, or their first instinct might not be to do good things.

It would be important for there to be some sort of reward at the end of their journey. For all the suffering they've gone through, something to make it all worth it at the end.

There has to be opposites. For as much as there is a place that will punish the evil, there must as well be a place for the good. Like yin and yang. Balance. Equality.

Also the Norse had Valhalla because, well, the dead heroes, they'd be added to Odin's, like, well, army. For the inevitable end-of-world Ragnarok. Or well they were brought to prepare for it, which gives a whole different meaning to it, but that's not the topic. (I admittedly can't remember what the Aztecs had)

I mean, if there wasn't a reward in the end of your life, then what would've been the point of doing anything at all? Sure, it might've seemed selfish to think that, but people can only go so long, to do so much good and continue to do so without being praised until they break. The best way to reach your potential would honestly be to do it for a reason. To have a purpose. Maybe even shining so bright in an attempt to be seen.

But if they don't get seen? Then, well, it's gonna hurt. And the fall will be even harsher, to where they might never be able to continue on after that. It's all really about purpose, I guess. Death has been more on my mind lately because I've been reading Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom. It's a nonfiction story of a professor and his former student, where the professor had contracted a lethal disease. In short terms, I guess, death, or the looming inevitable threat of death, in which the person can't be ignorant of it anymore, gives you clarity in a way. (Which is a huge coincidence, cause I've been playing around with the idea that the Lazarus Pit, a fictional thing that can 'bring you back to life' gives you clarity. Like, cause one of the only examples, the guy is angry at his family, feeling like he'd been replaced, or as if he didn't matter because they didn't kill his murderer. He'd also been willing to kill for the 'greater good' after that [like.. uhm. non-conners. I don't think that's a word but I don't like saying the actual word. Non-con is short for basically no consent. Basically ppl who force themselves onto others. You know what I mean. Those people]. My idea was all about how it makes you realize things you never would've before. 'Some people can't be redeemed. Just capturing them and putting them in prison won't work, because they'll always escape and cause even more issues.' or, 'Some people don't deserve second chances', or even '[]'s feelings don't matter, and I shouldn't hold myself back just because I want to be seen and appreciated, when that'll never happen if I restrain myself like this in fear of being judged' or something. They're all technically true, but also could be dipping into morally grey territory in which could cause a person who didn't before, to kill. It doesn't necessarily make them angry murderous beasts that kill everything in sight. It just means there's more to it then that, even if said person at first was in a blind rage [I explain this because that character was a really emotional person, and could get angry easy. The hurt feelings could've been overwhelming, or there was just so much anger, so on and so on instead of it being explained away as multiplying an already there emotion or thing if that makes sense.])

I've gone completely off topic, but it's still an interesting thing to think about.

#thoughts #writing ideas #random thoughts #school stuff #random stuff #life after death #afterlife #life purpose #this is old

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harryspet · 4 years ago

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off to the races | s.rogers

[Warnings] dark!steve rogers x reader, stripper!reader, ddlg, daddy!steve, abduction/kidnapping, mafia boss steve, murder/violence, a hint of peter x reader, hint of forced regression, sexy stuff, unprotected sex (wear condoms kiddos), hella angst

A/N: I do not stan lana del rey but I do stan off to the races :)

In which you call the kingpin your Daddy.

word count: 4.9k

main masterlist

taglist: @cherienymphe @peterztinglez @lovelynerdytraveler @buckysbunny @hollandsdream @micki-smiles @buckybarnesplumwhore @arts-ismything @saharzek @lovemassivelybeautifulbouquet @what-is-your-wish @brattypeony @hermayone @buckysugar @mischiefmanaged011 @visintaes

God, do they have to play this song every night?

You tried to tune out the annoying pop song, continuing to grind your hips against the man you were giving a small lap dance. You wondered how long you could grind against his beer belly before he finally requested a private dance. Lucky for you, you felt some cash being slipped between the lace of your turquoise, panty set. You turned around, a mischievous smile on your face, as you reached out to grab his tie.

He was mesmerized by you as you expected, and you imagined that he was dying to see more of your scantily clothed body. A hundred dollars for fifteen minutes in a private room. If you could manage to get a few more private dances tonight, you’d consider yourself successful.

You brought him to one of the back rooms and got to work. You let him run his hands over your bottom but once they started to reach between your legs, you knew what to do, “Ah, ah, ah, you know the rules,” You hid your frustration behind your sultry voice. You climbed on his lap, straddling him, as you reached around to undo your top. Beneath the lacy top were your breast but decorated in shiny gemstones.

A lot of the other girls hated glitter and spending time doing stuff like applying tiny gems but you knew that it was another shiny thing for men to look at. You needed their attention. Besides, you didn’t mind the way it looked either. His eyes were wide and he gripped your bottom as you moved your breast, an inch away from his face.

When the fifteen minutes were over, you quickly collected your top and fastened it back on, “Come and see me soon, baby,” You said something of that nature, all your words blurred together by the end of the night.

You managed to get about four more private dances and as one a.m. approached, you were ready to be anywhere else but here. You headed underneath the neon exit sign, heading for the locker rooms, where it seemed a lot of girls were on their way out. You passed naked, sweaty bodies, and clouds of spray deodorant as you made your way to your locker, already slipping out of your tall heels.

The first thing you pulled out was your money bag and you were careful when you were counting each dollar bill, tucking it away nicely. You felt a tap on your shoulder, turning around to see Wanda, red lollipop in one hand, and a white check in the other. Your eyes widened as soon as you read the number, “I’m missing fifty bucks,” You told her.

She gave you a knowing look, “Late fee, Y/N.”

“I was a minute late! I even called and told him my train was late,” Angrily, you stuffed your money bag into your duffle bag.

“He’s not in a good mood, some suit was talking with him earlier,” Wanda shrugged, sensing she had bigger things to worry about. Like you, she made her money dancing and was trying to get by supporting herself, “I wouldn’t argue with him today.”

“Screw that, fifty dollars is the difference between me making rent. He can’t do this,” You slammed your locker closed and you were about to storm off when Wanda grabbed your arm.

“C’mon, we should go. Clint is gonna walk us to the station and he won’t wait for you.”

“I won’t be long,” You shrugged her off, making your way out of the dressing room, and toward Loki’s office. He controlled every part of the Mischief club, set the prices, chose the dancers, and even had a strict list of clientele. It wasn’t the nicest club you’d worked at but it was the closest thing to a consistent paycheck.

You didn’t bother knocking, knowing that you had a point to make and only a certain amount of time to say it, “Fifty dollars! Are you serious-” You stopped in your tracks, realizing that your boss was not alone. Not only was he not alone, but you were also in deep shit. Steve Rogers sat across from the playboy club owner and, looking at the handsome silver-fox, you thought your heart might explode out of your chest.

He’d found you.

He smiled as soon as he saw you, “Babydoll,” A name you’d usually swoon at, made you cringe inside. There he was, clad in an expensive suit and dark overcoat.

Your eyes met with those of Sam and Bucky who had made themselves comfortable by one of the tall bookcases, waiting for their boss to command them to do something. As Steve’s eyes raked over your body, you realized they’d never seen you like this.

“You know her?” Loki leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk, an eyebrow raised, “... sir.” He added quickly. You don’t know why you were so surprised by this, knowing that Steve was feared everywhere, and Loki, no matter how evil, wouldn’t be the one to challenge him.

“I saw you perform tonight,” Steve spoke to you and, in his mind, you imagined that you were the only one he was seeing right now, “You looked beautiful.”

You hadn’t realized that you probably looked like you’d just seen a ghost. You tried to let go of some of the tension in your body, “What are you doing here?” You tried to keep your voice from faltering and, considering that you were half-dressed, you tried not to let your insecurities overwhelm you.

“As of a few minutes ago, I am the sole owner of the Mischief Club,” Your heart had stopped its pounding and now it was sinking into your stomach, “If you have any grievances with your employer, you can speak to me-”

“This isn’t your side of the city,” Your lip trembled, anger bubbling within you, “Why … y-you . . . Steve, you can’t do this.”

“Every part of this city is mine, Babydoll,” He sighed, standing up from his chair, reminding you of his large, intimidating frame. Reminding you that you were nothing compared to him. You didn’t move as he crossed the room, moving until he was only standing an inch from you, slowly reaching out his hand until he was touching your cheek, “Chasing you made me realize that I should expand my influence. A club like this is a shit hole now but, in a few months, I’d make it a cash cow.”

“Once you run drugs through the place, you mean,” He tensed up for a moment and you realized you’d struck a chord. His hand was on your throat, his thumb brushing over your cheek, and a piercing gaze burning holes into your skin.

“I wouldn’t worry your pretty little head over it,” For a moment, you closed your eyes, and imagined wrapping your arms around him. He’d become your haven so quickly and you’d almost forgotten how it felt for someone to care so much for you. Love you even when you didn’t want to love yourself. When you opened them again, you realized what he meant by his words.

He wasn’t giving you a choice.

You stepped back, letting his hand fall back to his side, before you crossed your arms, “Things aren’t going back to the way they were.”

Much to your surprise, Steve nodded, “No, I made some mistakes. Letting you go being the biggest one.”

You rolled your eyes, “You’re dangerous, Steve, and I want nothing to do with it.”

“And this is safer, Y/N?” He raised his voice, “Men having their grimy hands all over you . . . I’m taking you home.”

“I can take care of myself!”

“Really?” He smirked condescendingly, and you imagined he was seeing you as a bratty child throwing a tantrum, “He-” He stepped to the side, and pointed a finger at Loki, “-was going to lay you off a week from now. The club went under a long time ago and he was going to take your hard-earned money and run, leaving you with nothing. What would you do then?”

Loki stood up, interrupting, a nervous smile on his face, “Not with nothing. I-I pay all the ladies very well and I would like to continue to do that . . . that’s why I’m so grateful for your generosity, Mr. Rogers-” He cleared his throat awkwardly. He was lying through his teeth.

“You won’t be paying them anymore, Mr. Laufeyson,” Steve spoke calmly, too calmly, and as his hands reached up to his waist belt, you suspected the worse.

“Steve-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Loki rushed out his words as Steve pointed his favorite silver handgun in his direction, “We had a deal!”

“Steve, don’t!” Panicked, you grabbed a hold of his strong arm. As soon as you saw him, you knew the night wouldn’t end good but death was not something you predicted. Before, he’d never show you the violent side of his world. Now, something had changed, “Steve, please don’t!”

“Come with me,” He spoke sternly, “Come home and I won’t.”

“Okay,” You said immediately, looking up at his unchanging expression. He didn’t move which only panicked you further, “I will! Steve, please don’t.”

“He’s not a good man. He’s been using you this whole time,” Steve said, finally turning to look at you. Your body was shaking, the idea of being so close to the gun was frightening you further, “You’d give yourself up for this scumbag?”

Though it made you more anxious, you moved closer to him, grabbing a hold of his free hand. With your other arm, you hugged his torso, and as he stared down at him, “I-I don’t want you to hurt anyone, Daddy,” You spoke softly, “ . . . please, Daddy?” Something softened in his features as you called him by his favorite nickname. He squeezed your smaller hand and, for a moment, you thought things might be okay.

The sound was deafening when Steve pulled the trigger. Although you couldn’t hear anything, you knew you were screaming, and that you weren’t sure if you ever wanted to open your eyes ever again. He tried to wrap his arms around you and you remembered fighting it, hitting his chest, and screaming even louder. Somewhere along the line, you gave in, he was too strong, letting him wrap his long coat over your scantily clothed figure.

You were breathing heavily and when you decided to open your eyes again, everything was blurry, “Daddy had to . . . I’m sorry . . . Babydoll,” You heard in your ear. You were moving, he was holding you . . . when had he picked you up? When did the car start driving? You wished badly that you’d listened to Wanda.

You remembered holding onto him tighter, crying into his shoulder, “Why?” He heard the pain in your voice, felt the realization that your life would never be the same.

“Because you’re mine,” He rubbed circled into your back, leaving soft kisses on your cheek, “And I needed to remind you of what your Daddy is capable of. Anyone who hurts you, anyone who even lays a hand on you, is going to meet the same fate.”

“I don’t want this,” You hiccuped. Steve didn’t believe you, not with the way you were holding him. “This . . . it’s so scary, S-Steve.”

“I’m sorry I had to scare you, baby,” It reminded him of last year when things were good between you two, and you comfortably moved in and out of little space. He could sense you were dying to go to that safe space and, selfishly, he was hoping the trauma of tonight would push you into that mindset, “Daddy’s going to take better care of you. You’ll live with me now, where you’ll be safe.”

You only closed your eyes, no fight left in you. In the world of Steve Rogers, you didn’t think safety existed.

You awoke in a pink cloud. The sheets were so soft, heavenly even, and it almost made you forget your situation. You felt something crawling on top of the sheets and you sat up quickly, almost giving yourself whiplash. Realizing it was a furry, white creature, you relaxed, “Alpine, you scared me,” The cat crawled into your embrace and you pet it gently, wondering where exactly it’s owner was.

As you looked around what you assumed was your new room, you couldn’t help but be a bit impressed. You almost forgot how well Steve knew you. Elegant white furniture, a canopy bed with white fabric falling from the sides, a huge wardrobe, a bookcase, a mountain of stuffed animals - frogs, elephants, dolphins, practically the entire animal kingdom - and the fairy lights were a nice touch.

Maybe you were more than impressed. Astounded, actually.

“Oh my . . . stars,” You climbed out of the queen-sized bed, cat in your arms, and quickly realized that your lingerie was gone and your glitter had been washed away. Did he give you a bath? While you were sleeping? You dressed in a large t-shirt and as you brought the fabric up to your nose, you realized it was his, “Why didn’t you warn me that he was this off his rocker, Alpine?”

The cat only responded with a quiet meow.

You moved over to the window and, expectedly, it didn’t budge when you tried to push it open. You looked out onto the vast landscape, perfectly manicured rolling hills of green, a garden, Olympic sized pool, beautiful white statues, and armed guards to match.

It was like you remembered though Steve didn’t bring you to his “private home” often. The two of you always met in the city and, what started as an interesting sugar arrangement, quickly blossomed into a new dynamic.

You wandered around the room, examining every detail that he had put into it. You imagined the military man had placed a lot of the objects himself, making sure everything was perfect when you saw it.

The room is also gigantic, you could do at least ten cartwheels from one wall to the other. You’d never imagined living somewhere like this, the room itself was bigger than any place you’d ever lived.

As the door creaked open, Alpine leaped from your arms, taking the opportunity to escape. You watched the creature crawl between Steve’s legs before slipping out, probably going to look for Bucky. As your eyes traveled up his figure, you assumed he’d be dressed down in his home but the businessman was clad in another suit.

You were glad not to be crying anymore but seeing him now was reminding you of the horror show that was last night, “My things, I had money in my bag,” Was the first thing you thought to say, “I want it.”

“You don’t need it,” He said what you assumed he would.

“But-” You stopped yourself, “Can you give it to Wanda, please?”

“Please and thank you?” Steve cocked his eyebrow, smirking, “I wasn’t expecting that from you today.”

You didn’t respond, only crossed your arms defiantly, “I want Wanda to have it.”

“Done,” Steve raised his hands in surrender, “Is that all you want? Can I interest you in breakfast, little one?”

He didn’t know how deeply his words cut into you. How you wanted nothing more than to forget your worries and be his little girl. How you’d probably get on your knees and kindly do anything he asked . . . if this was a perfect world. You tried to shake that feeling because this world was anything but perfect.

“I guess,” Your hunger suddenly crossing your mind.

He nodded, a smile threatening to form on his lips, “Do you want help getting ready?” You quickly shook your head and you assumed he knew that it would be your response, “Well, I picked something out for you. I left it in the bathroom.”

“So what, I’m supposed to . . . wear whatever you want and be your little trophy?”

“And if you sit still and look pretty, Daddy will buy you anything you want,” Your eyes narrowed at him and you looked away, knowing you’d probably burst into flames if you looked at the annoying smirk any longer, “I’ll come to get you in ten minutes.”

You were already walking towards the bathroom, feeling his eyes on you the entire way. The bathroom was even more immaculate than the bedroom, a big chandelier hanging from the tall ceiling, with sleek marble fixtures. You avoided the mirror when the thick makeup came off at the end of the day, so you were shocked seeing your bare face. It made you look . . . innocent. It was the opposite image the club wanted to present.

You found a new toothbrush in one of the drawers and proceeded to brush your teeth, before washing your face.

The dress he’d picked out was frilly and white, a stark but beautiful contrast to your skin. It puffed at the sleeves but grabbed your waist and then flounced out when reaching down to your knees. You did a small twirl, letting the ends of the dress softly caress the tips of your fingers. Realizing you liked it quite a lot made you frown in the mirror.

Most likely, there was no racy lingerie and tassels in that wardrobe. He said you looked beautiful last night but there was no chance he’d let you ever look like that again, especially in front of his men.

When you left the bathroom and realized Steve had not returned, you decided to slip out of the room. You wandered down the big hallway, your bare feet padding against the carpet, as you examined each piece of artwork and decoration. Steve’s taste was expensive but his style was old-fashioned, choosing elegance over flashy things.

You admired it for a second and then remembered the blood spilled, the money stolen, and the dirty things that funded it.

“I thought I said I’d come and get you.”

You turned around, noticing how his breath caught in his throat as he took you in. He was deadly, he killed a man right in front of you, yet he was like a teenager in love when he saw you.

You mentally cursed.

“Are you full?” He asked, looking at your plate of a half-eaten pancake. There was still a feast laid out in front of you which was tempting but you couldn’t help but see it as consuming more of his forbidden fruit.

You only nodded and his lips pressed into a thin line.

He was holding back, you could tell. He wanted to make sure you were fully nourished and he’d probably prefer to feed you himself.

“Eat more,” He added, “Please-”

You stood up abruptly, “I want to look for Alpine,” You made a move to leave the dining room but, as you passed his chair, he grabbed a hold of your wrist. He gripped you stronger as you tried to pull away.

“After you eat more,” He commanded.

“I’m not hungry,” Your eyes didn’t meet his eyes.

“Babydoll, can’t you see I’m trying to play nice?” He tried to hide the venom in his tone, “I could’ve bent you over my knee already for not addressing me properly. Do you want that?”

You shook your head.

“Use your words, please.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“No, I don’t want that . . . Daddy.”

When you made a move to go back to your seat, he grabbed your arm tighter, “Sit with me,” He said but his tone was softer than before. You sat down on his knee and, instinctively, his arm wrapped around your torso, holding you in place, “Relax.”

You turned your head closer to him, the familiar feeling of being in his arms led your muscles to relax. He brought pieces of fruit to your mouth and, as you opened your mouth for him, you heard, “Good girl.”

When he first wanted to do things like this with you, he told you to imagine the things you liked when you were younger. You told him that you never had a lot of toys, never got a lot of praise, and that you were always the one taking care of others, not the other way around. What he made you feel was foreign but it satisfied a need you never knew you had.

“You haven’t been eating enough,” He commented. You shrugged and he frowned a bit, “Three meals a day from now on. And snacks. And lots of water.”

“And what if I don’t, Daddy?” You challenged, more playful than you intended.

Steve gave you a look that was much too loving for you to hold his gaze, “How about, if you do, then I’ll give you a reward . . .” His voice trailed off as he thought for a moment, “What would you like?”

“I wanna go back to the city-”

Steve smirked, “Something realistic, preferably,” It took everything in you not to roll your eyes, “A new outfit? . . . A new toy? . . . I know what you want.”

“No, you don’t,” You pouted.

“Stickers,” He answered, proud when he saw you perk up, “Sparkly, butterfly ones probably.”

“I don’t-”

He interrupted your lie, tickling your side, and you tried not to smile, “You love those little things! You’d probably prefer it over a designer bag or a trip to europe.”

“They’re not expensive and I like collecting them,” You tried to explain, your voice low.

“Then that’ll be it. A week of not skipping meals will get you a special sticker for your chart, we’ll even hang it on the fridge.”

You didn’t mind the idea . . . you could have so many stickers after a long while.

“A week,” You repeated, “How long do you expect for me to stay here?”

“There’s lots to do, you won’t get bored,” He spoke dismissively, probably frustrated by your question. You opened your mouth to respond but was interrupted when the table started shaking, Steve’s phone vibrating on top of it.

“Rogers,” Steve answered, pressing the phone to his ear, “Yes, I’m aware . . you told me that you took care of him . . . I don’t need to tell you how to do your job, you’re just supposed to do it . . . he’ll listen if it comes from me . . . i’ll handle it, okay? . . . Babydoll,” He softly patted your knee, “Why don’t you go look for Alpine?”

You took that as your cue that he was about to start cursing and didn’t want you around to hear it.

An hour later, you were wandering around the garden and Steve still hadn’t tried to find you. You guessed that he was busy with his work now but you were more focused on finding Alpine. You’d search every inch of the inside of the house and now there was only one place left. You realized that you could also start thinking about a way out of this place.

“Here kitty, kitty,” Your eyebrows raised as you heard an unfamiliar voice. You wandered further along the path, trying to look through the greenery, before stumbling upon an opening with a large fountain in the middle. Alpine was walking around the top of it, frustrating the man trying to get him down from such a tall height.

He was one of Steve’s men, you could tell by the dark clothing, though you didn’t recognize him. He was much younger, and honestly, more attractive than a lot of them. You could tell the light had gone out in a lot of the people that Steve kept around. You could already tell he wasn’t like that, “Come on, dude, now you’re just messing with me!”

The cat seemed to brush him off, continuing to walk along the edge.

“You have to be more gentle than that,” You said, knowing you would startle him. It amused you a little how he seemed to jump out of his skin. His hand held over his heart, you could tell he was a bit taken aback by your appearance. You moved toward the fountain, holding your arms out for it, “C’mere, Alpine, the scary man won’t hurt you.”

His eyes were wide as the cat easily jumped into your arms, “He obviously doesn’t like me,” He said, watching as you brushed Alpine’s ears with your fingers, “And yet Bucky always puts me on cat duty.”

“Maybe Bucky is the one that doesn’t like you,” You responded.

He frowned, “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” You walked towards you, encouraging Alpine to climb into his arms. Alpine seemed to listen, welcoming his touch, “He’s never been this nice to me. Are you some kind of animal whisperer?”

You giggled a bit, “I’m Y/N.”

Peter’s mouth formed an “o” shape like he was connecting the dots in his mind, “I-I’m Peter . . . aren’t you like . . . not supposed to be out here?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know. Am I?” He seemed to panic for a moment, “I mean, I didn’t get the brief that Steve probably gave you all.”

“Right,” He nodded nervously, “Do you . . . should I walk you back to the house?”

“Actually, can you walk me to my room? I don’t think I remember where it was,” You played dumb.

“Yeah, sure,” He agreed.

Perfect. He was perfect. If there was a way out of here, he was it.

You didn’t see Steve until later that night. He was right in the fact that you didn’t get bored, there were a million things to do even in your own room. You’d floated away, your mind now completely occupied by the coloring page you were scribbling on.

As Steve sat on the side of your bed, you felt the weight of his day come down with him. Another reason he kept your arrangement before was because you provided stress relief after a long day. He touched your hair, patting your head, and you turned your head to look at him.

“Did you have lunch?” He asked and you nodded sheepishly, “Dinner?” You nodded again.

“Maria made sure I ate.”

He leaned down to press a kiss to the side of your head, “Good girl. Wanna show me what you’re working on?”

You sat up from your position, moving the picture book into his lap, “It’s me and you,” Steve couldn’t help but chuckle as he looked down at the picture of Belle and the Beast.

“You’re funny,” Steve smiled, his eyes getting those little crinkles at the side.

“Did you end up handling your business?” You asked curiously.

“I did, actually,” He responded, failing to elaborate, “And that’s all you need to know.”

You closed your book, tossing it to the side, and standing up on the bed. You walked over to the pillows and plopped down, “Don’t you think it's a little unfair to hide things? I want to hear a story before bed. Or are your stories too scary?”

You were only teasing him but as he turned over, crawling towards you, your heart began to race, “Did I ever tell you the story about the little girl who always ran her mouth?”

You shook your head, and Steve let you stew a moment longer before he pounced. He grabbed your ankle, pulling you down onto you back, as he climbed on top of you, “Well, she was always mad at her Daddy because he was . . . very protective. Her Daddy had to fix this, of course, he couldn’t have such a naughty little girl trying to boss him around. He didn’t punish her though, he just fucked her until she couldn’t speak.”

“I don’t like this one-” You were interrupted when his lips crashed down on yours.

You felt suffocated by him, trapped beneath his love, until you started to move your lips against his. You must’ve been just as crazy as he was for wanting this.

You gasped for air when he finally pulled away. You watched him hurriedly take off his already unbuttoned, button down, and undo his belt. You were sliding your dress sleeves off, trying to get your panties down your leg. When they were around your ankles, he tore them away, throwing them to the side.

Your lips were on his again, “Steve-” He grabbed your wrist roughly, pinning them above your head with one hand, and he grabbed your face with the other.

“Call me Daddy,” He demanded, sinking between your hips.

“Steve-” You felt a quick sting across your cheek and Steve watched a fire build in your eyes.

“Bad girl,” He sunk his hard member into you, causing your head to tilt back. He was anything but gentle, moving in and out of you with long and hard strokes, “You’re such a bad girl.”

“Tell me you want my cum,” He grunted, breathing hard against your skin, “Tell me.”

“I want your cum,” You rushed out, an orgasm already building as he maintained his pace. You missed this so much. If there was one thing, you missed. He was the first person to ever make you cum without oral sex. Before him, you didn’t even know your body could do this.

“Say it,” He continued, “Say it, little girl.”

He was going to slow down if you didn’t and that was the last thing you wanted, “I want your cum, Daddy,” You gasped out, your body convulsing beneath him, “I want it so bad, Daddy.”

He finished deep inside you, your body tightly wrapping around him, and sweat covering your bodies. You were coming down from the high when the panic set in. Why did you let him do that? And why did you want it?

He was holding you and, as your tears began to fall, he pulled you into him, “It’s okay,” He cooed, “I’ve got ya’. You’re going to be just fine, Babydoll.”

part two

#dark fic #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve x reader #steve rogers smut #peter parker x reader #steve rogers x black!reader #mafia!steve rogers #mafia!bucky #captain america x reader #mafia au #bucky barnes #sam wilson #steve rogers #peter parker #wanda maximoff #marvel smut #marvel fanfiction #dark marvel #black!reader

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sleeping-on-cracking-ice · 4 years ago

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Two Peculiar Admirers | Shuntaro Chishiya, Suguru Niragi

PART 1 | PART 2

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Characters: Chishiya, Niragi (ft. Kuina)

Summary: Niragi finally finds some time alone with you, but of course, Chishiya is right on his tail.

Warnings: swearing, suggestive themes, conflict, angst, mention of sexual assault

Word Count: 3.3k

Author’s Note: The ending is a little unrealistic because I wasn’t sure how else to conclude it. This is for you anon!

You and Chishiya slowly made your way down to the pool to spend the next few hours at with Kuina. On the way, Chishiya had to keep sniffing and wiping his nose to stop the blood dripping. It made you frown. There was no way just smacking his nose would make it bleed that much.

Chishiya soon asked you a question that was itching in the back of his mind. “So, you know Niragi huh?” he questioned, looking at you.

You looked back at him confused. “Huh?”

“I said so you know Niragi?”

“Oh,” you understood, turning your head ahead of you again. “Yeah, I know him. We aren’t close, but he seems to think we are.” You laughed at the statement, seeming to find it as a joke almost. But Chishiya was not laughing.

“Yeah, I know,” he said bluntly. “Look I know you may think he just has some harmless crush on you, but he honestly is a really evil person Y/N.”

Chishiya wasn’t sure what he was going to get out of telling you that. Was he generally worried for your safety around Niragi? Or did he just want you all to himself? He didn’t know his aim himself.

You furrowed your eyebrows. You didn’t like the way he was talking to you, like you were stupid or something.

“Chishiya, I know. I’m not an idiot,” you said, matter-of-factly.

Chishiya had a small moment of panic. He was afraid he had offended you. “Yeah, I know! That is not what I meant at all,” he recollected himself, waving his hands in front of him in worry.

You both then walked in silence the rest of the way down to the pool. It was rather awkward after that, making the air a bit tense. Chishiya wanted desperately to restart a conversation but he couldn’t think of anything to say.

When you arrived at the back entrance of the hotel that led out to the pool, as soon as the large glass doors opened your ears rang from the loud music. It was the same as every night, people drunkenly dancing and trying to make the best of their own lives while they lasted.

Chishiya quickly scanned the area. There was no way he’d be able to keep an eye out for Niragi in this kind of crowd. He thought it was best he just stayed close to you in case the insistent man decided to approach you.

He turned towards you to see you distracted by a few rowdy people by the pool. He reached out and carefully linked his arm with yours and pulled you towards him.

You turned around, surprised by the sudden bold move and looked up at Chishiya, but he didn’t meet eyes with you. You shrugged and just thought it was his attempt of flirting.

Chishiya dragged you around the area looking for Kuina. He kept you joined as his hip, sometimes accidentally pulling you a little too harshly by the arm and making you wince in pain. He was lowkey freaking you out. He’s never acted like this before.

When he found Kuina over on a small, secluded table near the wall, he breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wouldn’t have to face Niragi alone now if he found him.

“Kuina!” you yelled out as you saw her too. She shifted her eyes and saw you and Chishiya, a smile painting itself across her attractive face. You pulled your arm out of Chishiya’s grip and ran over to her.

Chishiya watched and grinned happily at you two as you jumped into her arms for a big hug. He was glad to have you with him. At least when you were by his side, he can protect you from that homicidal prick.

You all sat down, sipping drinks that Kuina went and got from the bar for all of you. All three of you enjoyed yourselves and laughed at each other’s jokes and stories from life before the Borderlands. It felt nice to connect with your friends more emotionally.

You stood up after a while and turned to the two of them. “I’m just going to go to the bathroom,” you said. After drinking multiple margaritas, you were a bit dizzy and desperate for the toilet.

Chishiya stood up quickly. “I’m coming with you,” he said, already climbing out of his seat.

You shook your hands towards him. “No, no, no! Chishiya it’s fine! I can go by myself. Thanks anyway though.” You sent a cheeky wink his way and started walking away from the table.

Chishiya watched as you started getting further and further away from him. He began slightly panicking. He knew that if Niragi saw a chance to get you alone, he wouldn’t hesitate to take it.

Before he could even stand up again, Kuina grabbed his arm, making him turn his attention towards her. “Oi, what’s your deal tonight? You’ve been bouncing your leg under the table and fiddling with every little thing. The hell has got you so worried?” Kuina asked with a curious look on her face.

Chishiya glanced quickly back towards you to check you weren’t that far before turning back to Kuina. “I think Niragi’s been stalking Y/N. I’ve been keeping an eye out because I’m worried that he’ll snatch her the moment she’s alone,” he whispered to her.

Kuina’s eyes widened in shock. “Niragi’s after her?! For what?!” she whisper-yelled.

Chishiya shook his head in uncertainty. “I’m not too sure, but he seems to show a lot of interest in her,” he said, turning to see you making your way through the entrance to the hotel.

“I have to go.” He shot up out of his seat and tried to evade his way through the crowd that suddenly appeared near the entrance. His anxiety spiked as you left his sight, and he began panicking on the inside. He had to get to you before Niragi did.

But through his panic, he failed to notice the tall man follow you inside, closely behind with his usual rifle slung over his shoulder. He finally caught you alone, and he wasn’t going to waste the time he had.

*************

You happily strolled down the few hallways to reach the lobby. There was a women’s bathroom nearby there that you could go to, so you slowly were making your way there.

You didn’t expect your path to be so abruptly interrupted by a sudden hand over your mouth. Your eyes widened and you instantly gripped the hand’s wrist, attempting to pull it off. You thrashed around violently and your heart pumped adrenaline through your body widely as the stranger locked their other arm around your waist, beginning to pull you backwards into a nearby room.

You kicked and bashed your body against them to try and break free, but nothing was working. This person was much taller and much stronger than you.

As you saw the door frames appear on either side of you, you reached out and gripped it as tight as you could, attempting to pull yourself out of their grasp urgently. You were panicking, screaming against the hand that was over your mouth to alert someone nearby, but no one would’ve been able to hear you.

Your stomach dropped as your attacker pulled harshly suddenly, almost breaking your fingers gripping desperately on the door frame from the force. They slipped from the wood and you fell backwards into the stranger’s chest. They quickly regained their balance from your fall and kicked the door shut with their foot.

You still had fight in you, giving them a painful jab to the ribcage with your elbow. They groaned in pain and their grip loosened on you, allowing you to take your chance and crawl away towards the closed door.

But they saw your plan and grabbed you by the ankle, pulling you back violently towards them causing you to almost faceplant onto the floorboards below you. They got to their feet quickly and jumped over you to the door, locking it in a rush then turning back to you.

As you regained your strength and kneeled back onto your heels to get away from, you noticed their familiar face. Of course, it was him.

“Niragi?! What the fuck?!” you exclaimed, stumbling to your feet and holding onto the wall for support.

“I thought you were someone else! What the hell was that for?!” you yelled at him.

Niragi dropped his rifle to the ground. How he managed to still have it on him after that you had no idea. But the look he was giving you now made you not care so much.

“I did that because I wanted to do this.”

Before you could even retort against his statement, Niragi rushed to you and pressed you harshly against the wall with his hands on your waist while pressing his lips against yours.

Your heart stopped. You didn’t know what to do. You stayed completely frozen in his arms as he began moving his mouth against yours, sliding his tongue along your bottom lip. That’s when you came to terms with what was happening.

You pressed your hands against his chest and shoved. Niragi stumbled back with a smirk painted on his pierced face.

You couldn’t say anything. You were so in shock.

“Aw, have I left my little mouse speechless? It would be a first for you wouldn’t it sweetie?” he cooed, cradling your cheeks in his hands and lifting your head so you were looking directly into his eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, I just want to eat you up.” He pressed his lips against yours again, placing a gentle hand on your neck to turn your head sideways to make the kiss deeper.

You slowly closed your eyes and melted into his kiss, making him smirk against your lips. It felt strange. This man has done nothing but annoy you and stalk you the whole time you’ve been at The Beach, yet that moment felt so right.

You wrapped your arms around his upper back and balled his buttoned shirt into your fists as you leant closer to him, making him snake his arms around your waist to pull your closer, if that was even possible.

You pulled back from him after a couple of minutes, leaving a trail of saliva between your lips. You laughed and wiped your mouth before looking into his darkened eyes.

Niragi growled as he felt your hands slowly make their way under his shirt. “Are you sure you want to do this now?” he asked, raising a suggestive eyebrow to you.

“Isn’t that why you tackled me into this room with you?” you fired back, running your hands along his broad back.

Niragi chuckled and smirked. “I guess so.” He yet again crashed his lips onto yours, continuing where you left off.

Just as you felt him moving his hands lower on your body, the door handle suddenly jiggled violently from the other side, making you and Niragi jump in surprise. Someone was trying to get into the room.

“Y/N?! Are you in there?!” you heard them yell. It was Chishiya, you could recognize that voice anywhere.

You turned your head towards the door, thinking whether you should answer him or not. Niragi groaned in front of you, annoyed about being interrupted. “Just leave him, he’ll leave soon,” he said, leaning his head down and running his tongue along your neck to get your attention on him again.

You thought for a second before turning back to him again. “Okay.”

Before you knew it, the door suddenly erupted with a huge bang, making it shake violently. “What the fuck?!” Niragi yelled in surprise. He wasn’t expecting Chishiya to get so insistent so quickly.

“Y/N?! Y/N are you in there?! Answer me!” He sounded a bit desperate. He probably heard Niragi swear, making his suspicions rise.

You pushed on Niragi’s chest to get him to give you space to move. But he refused staying tightly pressed against you, almost covering your entire body with his.

You frowned up at him. “Niragi, please move!” you begged him, pushing against him with more force.

“Why? Why does it matter if Chishiya sees us?” he questioned you.

He had a point. Why did you care so much if Chishiya saw you? It should not matter to you, but why did it?

You took too long to think about what to do before the hinges of the door came loose from Chishiya’s barging. It gave way and he stumbled in, locking eyes with the scene before him.

There you stood, pressed up against the wall by Niragi with dark bites littering your neck. He felt sick from the sight.

Before you could even defend yourself or say anything, Chishiya barged his whole body towards Niragi, causing him to lose his footing from the impact and fall onto the ground, his temple narrowly missing the corner of the bed.

“How fucking dare you! You really think you can act all sleazy and creepy towards Y/N without me noticing?! As soon as she left the table, I knew something was bound to happen! And look where I found her! Forced up against a wall by you with fear all over her face! You really think I’m that fucking stupid Niragi?!” Chishiya spat out harsh words to Niragi over and over while you stood there awkwardly, trying to think of something to say.

After Chishiya had finished he turned around and had a worried expression. “Oh my god, Y/N are you okay? Where did he hurt you?” he asked in a panicky tone. He checked all over your body for any more bruise marks or any other injuries, worried that Niragi had harmed you.

“Um…” you said, not knowing what to say.

Chishiya stopped in his actions when he heard a sickening laugh behind him. He turned around to see Niragi throwing his head back and letting out the loudest and most psychotic laugh he had ever heard. Anger boiled in his blood.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” he said harshly.

Niragi regained his breath and pressed his hand against his chest, trying to calm his heartbeat. “Oh Chishiya, you’re so idiotic. Trust me, she wanted it,” he chuckled, climbing back to his feet.

Chishiya frowned at him. “What do you mean? Of course she didn’t.”

“Oh, then how do you explain her kissing me back? Or running her hands up and down my back? Or her moaning underneath my tongue on her neck?” Niragi licked his teeth like a dog to annoy Chishiya.

You knew that last part wasn’t true. Niragi was most likely telling fibs to push Chishiya’s buttons.

Chishiya turned back to you with a hurt expression. You couldn’t look him in the eyes. You were now feeling ashamed for even being attracted to the deluded man in the first place.

Your actions spoke louder than words as he understood what you meant. He looked down and shook his head before lifting his feet and walking towards the broken door briskly.

“Wait, no. Chishiya,” you said, grabbing his arm to stop him from leaving. He stopped and looked you in the eye with his empty orbs.

“I-I… I don’t know what to say,” you admitted, lowering your head in shame and loosening your hold on his arm.

“No, it’s fine Y/N. You don’t have to say anything,” he said in his usual careless tone. “I get it. I just think you could’ve told me that you weren’t interested in a nicer way than this.”

He ripped his arm out of your grasp and made his way out of the room. You felt your heart rate pick up as you watched him disappear around the corner. You couldn’t let him leave like that.

As you were just about to chase him out, you looked back to Niragi, who had watched the whole ordeal that just happened between you and Chishiya.

“So, you want to meet me at my room at one?” he asked in a suggestive tone.

You cringed at his words. “Go to hell,” you spat before following Chishiya to try and reason with him.

Niragi smirked at your words. “Ah, there she is. There’s the flame I fell in love with,” he mumbled to himself. He leant down and grabbed his rifle off the ground and slung it over his shoulders. “Maybe next time, when we don’t have any interruptions.”

***************

“Chishiya!”

You jogged to keep up with his fast pace down the hall, making his way back to the pool to see Kuina again. He ignored your yelling, wanting to be far away from you at that moment.

“Chishiya can you please just listen to me!” you said desperately, grabbing his shoulder to turn him to you.

Chishiya suddenly whipped his head around to meet your saddened eyes. “For what Y/N?! Why are you following me?! Why don’t you go back to Niragi?! You seemed awfully comfortable with him when I found you!” he exclaimed. His yelling echoed down the hall, making it seem louder than it was.

You felt tears begin to make their way down your cheeks. You felt helpless in that moment.

You knew that Chishiya liked you more than a friend, but he had always remained such a gentleman to you. He never made you uncomfortable or overstepped your boundaries, so why did you kiss the man that had been stalking you? Who had been saying creepy comments towards you every day? For crying out loud he forced you into an empty room with him. Why did you kiss him when you already had such a lovely and attractive man right in front of you?

You couldn’t help yourself. You grabbed Chishiya by the collar of his hoodie with both hands and pulled him towards you, crashing your lips against his. He didn’t react at first, probably due to shock. But soon, he relaxed and placed his hand on the back of your head and another on your waist.

This felt right. Kissing Chishiya felt more loving and more compassionate than kissing Niragi. Why didn’t you kiss him first? It was honestly a stupid mistake.

You two stayed in the hallway for some time, moving your lips against one another’s passionately. Chishiya was the first to pull away.

He was angry at himself. He shouldn’t have enjoyed that after seeing you with Niragi. But at this point, he was so desperate for the smallest bit of love that he didn’t care.

“Why?” he asked, brushing a piece of hair out of your face gently. You looked into his eyes deeply and smiled sadly at the small specks of tears growing in his eye sockets.

“Because Chishiya, I didn’t realize what I had until I almost lost it,” you said, wiping your thumb underneath this eye to collect his tears before they escaped.

Chishiya kept a neutral face, not knowing how to respond. He was so happy that you liked him back, even if he had to go through a free trial of hell to find out.

He could feel more tears building up in his eyes, so he brought his lips back to yours to distract him from crying. He closed his eyes and let the waterfalls cascade down his face, some mixing with yours that remained on your cheeks.

You both stood in the hallway alone, no one around to interrupt or come between you. Chishiya cherished the moment while it lasted. If having you like this in his arms every day, pressed as close to you as possible both physically and emotionally, then he thought life would be worth living a little longer.

He could deal with a punch to the face from Niragi every now and then if he’s got you to look after him.

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narrators-journal · 4 years ago

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Hello, I really like your work! and i would like to know if you can make yandere killua and yandere illumi fighting each other for the reader. The reader is a friend of Killua and is the same age as him, 18 years old.

Alright! This might be a bit iffy in parts because I never write actual confrontations, but I hope it's enjoyable! I couldn't really slip in some real yandere behavior, so I kinda implied it to keep things short lol.

Killua'd known you for a while now, about two years, from the age of 16 to now, his eighteenth birthday, and he liked you quite a bit. Because of this, the silver-haired man had begun to keep an even stricter eye on you than he had in the past. That's why you were tagging along to Killua's family home with him and Gon to let his family celebrate so that he could keep you safe and close. Besides, he'd rather you met Illumi under his watch than on the roads and by complete chance. So, Alluka was safely in a secure hotel room and you were walking up to the gates to Hades with him and Gon. "You sure you can't just do this over the phone?" You asked, your (e/c) eyes swimming with concern for him, it made his stomach flutter with butterflies. "Nah, my mom would have a fit if I didn't come home for my eighteenth birthday. But, if they try to introduce me to a 'nice girl', we run." That made you and Gon both giggle, but nod. Despite it being silly, the three of you knew it was highly likely. It would be too much to ask that Illumi and Milluki be the favored ones. Killua thought bitterly as he spotted the gates to Hades up ahead, but no. He and Illumi were something akin to the favorites out of his five siblings, the most 'loved' was Killua, he was the heir, so of course he was expected to breed and carry on the line, but Illumi was the eldest, so he too was expected to find a wife and have children. It was an awful fate that some part of Killua, deep down, felt sorry for his brother over, but it was a small portion.

With a firm shake of his head, Killua shooed the thoughts away and huffed at the doors that he now stood in front of, "We'll do our best to get out quickly," Gon chirped, giving the white-haired assassin a confident smile, which he returned, "Yeah! Real quick," he confirmed, before leading them to the testing gates and easily opening them all. "Y'know (y/n), each of those doors is supposed to be 2 tons each? and each bigger one is twice the weight of the corresponding one!" Gon boasted, bringing an astounded look to your face, "Holy shit, really?! Isn't that...128 tons though?" Gon nodded "Yep! Killua can open them all," he boasted, beaming with pride in his friend, ignoring the pink-cheeked glare Killua threw his way as they walked onto the mountain.

As to be expected, the Zoldycks had sent Gotoh, their head butler, with a car, so the trio was spared the miles of walking it took to get to the actual main house. So, instead, they spent the ride talking and joking, which helped to combat the knot of dread in Killua's stomach. Something just told him that this visit wasn't going to end well, but he couldn't say why he felt that way. When he got inside the manor, he got his answer.

It wasn't that he and Illumi were still on bad terms, he'd tentatively begun to mend fences with his eldest brother at sixteen after years of blubbering and pestering from his mother, but the way Illumi's soulless eyes locked onto you when he spotted you did not sit well with the silver-haired Zoldyck. However, his mother tackled him before he could stop his brother from approaching you and striking up a conversation. The only comfort he got was in knowing you were talking to him almost solely out of the need to be polite, you'd been warned enough about the manipulative snake to know to be wary. "you've grown so much! I barely recognize you anymore," Kikyo half squealed and half chided as if Killua could help himself growing to be Illumi's height, maybe a bit more, but the man just rolled his icy blue eyes, staying quiet to avoid his mother shrieking at him about how she was a good mother who loved him or something.

After his mother was done fussing at him, Killua returned to you, sticking close to you and Gon so he didn't lose his cool, doing so would only lengthen how long they'd have to stay. However, he also came over to interrupt Illumi's conversation with you, "Hey, (y/n), ya doing okay?" he asked, not bothering to hide his concern about his brother, which got him a pointed look from said brother, "Oh, yeah, just been chatting with your brother." you hummed, and while he could tell you were still wary, it was far less rigid as it was before. Of fucking course he'd do this bullcrap he thought, scanning over you to ensure his older sibling hadn't stuck you with a needle. Thankfully he hadn't, so that meant Illumi'd just charmed you. Disgusting.

Nonetheless, he bit back the urge to grab you and run and instead just talked to you and slowly led you away from Illumi. After that, things mellowed out for Killua and the day wasn't as much of a nightmare as he'd thought it would be, though that was mostly because he hung out with Gon and you more than his family. That wasn't to say he wasn't polite to his siblings, especially Kalluto, and nice to his parents, but he kept a distance from them. He especially kept a distance from Illumi, and he made sure you did the same so that the assassin couldn't put a needle in you or charm you anymore. However, Illumi approached him around evening, when you'd been drug off by Kikyo to 'have a chat' aka be interrogated for knowing her son so well. "I know why you avoid me nowadays," Illumi hummed in his usual bored, almost-sleepy voice as he watched the tv and acted as if he didn't notice his younger brother's evil look. "but what bugs me right now, is you keeping (y/n) away from me. You know that I need a partner, your friend is a viable option, you're just being rude to stop me from at least trying to date her." He continued, and Killua could almost taste the annoyance in his deadpan brother's aura, but all it did was put a spark of malicious joy in his soul. "First, my friends shouldn't be options for you, second, quit fucking talking about them like they're a piece of meat. (y/n) is a fucking human, not a damned broodmare for you." he pointed out in as cool of a tone as he could manage, both so no malice slips into his aura and affects Gon, who was next to him, and to further annoy Illumi. "Is it because you have a crush on her? No offense, Kill, but that won't stop me from making a move if she's available. they're very cute, and I wouldn't mind having her for myself." the dead-eyed man said coldly, staring down at the younger man.

For a moment or two after that, Killua and Illumi gave each other lethal looks, having a silent argument that was so palpable that Gon finally got up and moved, knowing better than to try and intervene or help his friend with family spats. It turned out the dark haired boy had the right idea, because almost as soon as he'd gotten up, the two went at each other like a pair of hostile dogs.

Killua was swiftly thrown to the ground by his older brother, but since he was no longer twelve, Killua's punch in response did actual damage instead of being ignored. Though he still stood no chance against him, Killua did his best to punch, kick, and bite his brother, managing to roll him over and slam his head into the floor before he retaliated with a punch to the throat. Meanwhile, Gon, Milluki, and the other siblings watched and cheered, either for Illumi or killua, encouraging them or throwing out advice for how to win the fight until Silva and Zeno finally came in and pried the two brothers apart. They ended up having to hold the two apart, because as soon as they were on their feet, Killua kicked his brother in the stomach and was nearly yanked off his feet as a result. "That is enough." Silva snapped, his voice not loud, but still firm enough to clear the wrathful red from Killua's eyes a bit and stop him from initiating another fist fight. "You two are now adults, having squabbles like this is unacceptable." he scolded, the brothers deflating in shame as they were finally released and further chewed out.

Finally, they were returned back to the social setting, and Killua was forced to put on a happy face for the rest of the night. He would've stayed pissed, maybe even attack Illumi a fifth time, but you were there, and he didn't want to worry you with the story. However, through dinner and the onslaught of gifts you and Gon helped him carry out, whenever you weren't looking or he was alone, Zeno and Silva once again would have to stop them from coming to blows before Killua finally left to go to a hotel for the night despite his mother offering his old room.

#yandere killua #yandere illumi #hxh #hunter x hunter #x reader #yandere #ask #implied yandereism

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silversatoru · 4 years ago

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Hi, I just finished burdens and OML 🥺🥺🥺

May I request some sort of megumi x reader continuous where the reader ends up becoming a powerful sorcerer (or a cursed spirit👀 whichever you’d like tbh) megumi and the reader somehow cross paths again a little while after the break up and he witnesses her fighting for the first time? I just know that boy would fall in love all over again but she’s moved on and he feels guilty and just angst? And maybe fluff idk. I’m new to requests so I hope I did this right, thank you so much❤️❤️

burdens pt. 2

a/n: hello, part two of this not-so-lovely story is finally here. every single one of you is allowed one free punch to my face for taking so long to write it,,, i’m so sorry. this is its fourth rewrite and it got a little darker than expected but it’s finally done,, i hope you enjoy <3

fushiguro megumi x f!reader

synopsis: you finally see megumi again at the kyoto sister school goodwill event

tags/warnings: angst, some graphic depictions of violence, character death

word count: 3k

“Do you know how tired I am of watching the people I love die? Things would be so much easier for me if you just stayed the fuck away”.

Megumi’s bitter words were on repeat in your head — the harshness of his voice leaving a hollow feeling carved into your chest. Tear-stained cheeks and shaky breathes had become your new normal these past few days. Tight, sharp pains filled your empty stomach, waves of nausea coursing through your body.

You’ve had no motivation to get out of bed lately, nevermind to shower or cook yourself a proper meal — honestly, for all you cared you could rot away in your blanket filled bed. You checked your phone like a fiend too, thinking that eventually, a miraculous text from Megumi would appear and make everything better. It never did.

He’d completely ghosted you since that dreadful day, and that hurt more than anything. You’d held onto a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't meant what he said. But as the days continued to pass, your hope quickly dwindled.

To say your current state was shameful was putting it lightly, and you were embarrassed at how poorly this was effecting you. You liked to think that you were strong, motivated, independent — that you didn't need some douchebag just to feel happy. But truth be told, breakups are fucking hard, and it's okay to not be okay for a while — or at least that's what you kept telling yourself.

So when you were trudging miserably down the street to your local convenience store and you saw a familiar pair of jujutsu sorcerers, you wanted desperately to sink into the ground. You made a quick turn to head to a different shop, but it was too late, you were spotted.

“y/n! hey!” Two lighthearted voices sang through the air, filling your ears and making your heart clench in your chest.

You turned around and anxiously approached them, your unkempt hair and baggy eyes sending looks of concern across their faces.

“Hey girl, you good?” Nobara shot you a sideways glance, Maki raising a suspicious eyebrow.

“Yeah, uh, ice cream,” You croaked, speaking for the first time in a couple days, “I’m here for ice cream, that’s all”.

“Yeah, but why do you look like a fucking zombie?” Maki pushed her eyeglasses further up her nose, her sharp eyes looking you up and down.

“Ah, he didn’t say anything to you guys, did he?” You shook your head, heavy eyes falling to ground as you refused to meet theirs.

“Don’t tell me…” Nobara’s face contorted, “Did he break up with you?”

You nodded, a pitiful chuckle falling from your lips, because if you didn’t laugh, you’d start sobbing right now.

Maki threw her arm around your shoulder, pulling you to her side and ushering you into the store, “It’s okay, men suck. Hang out with us today”.

Meanwhile, Nobara trailed quickly behind the two of you, anger seething from her teeth and steam practically billowing out of her ears.

“That fuckhead! I swear I’ll fuck his shit up big time, he won’t even know what fucking hit him. I knew that boy was stupid but shit, this is a whole new low for him! I-,” She continued to ramble and rant as Maki led you through the store, picking out drinks and snacks to help ease your pain.

The three of you ended up in a nearby park, sitting around a small picnic table and gorging on the massive array of snacks. Lighthearted conversation and lots of food make your chest ache a little less, and you even found yourself laughing and chatting as if things were normal. You’d told the two of them all about that day, about Megumi’s irrational words and his tragic breakdown that led to some kind of fucked-up break up sex.

“So, how are we gonna get back at him? Egg his car? Put bleach in his shampoo? Bugs in his food? God - it’s a shame his dad is dead because from the pictures I’ve seen that man was FINE and revenge sex—,”

“Nobara,” Maki shot her idiot girlfriend a dirty look, and the orange-haired girl quickly shut her mouth, “As much as I support any idea that revolves around ruining a man’s day, I don’t think revenge is the healthiest coping strategy here”.

You were tracing your eyes around Maki’s face as she spoke, and you found yourself carefully inspecting her purple glasses that rested softly on the bridge of her nose. And that’s when it clicked, the light bulb ignited in your head and you knew exactly what you wanted to do.

“Maki,” your voice was urgent, “You don’t have cursed energy, you can’t even see them without your glasses!”

Her face twisted and her nose scrunched, a look of distaste in her eyes, “I know?”

“So, you could teach me, right? You could help me learn how to use some cursed weapons?”

“Yeah! You have to Maki, then she can beat his ass with me,” Nobara chimed in.

“That’s not a bad idea actually,” Maki’s mouth formed an evil grin, “Could you imagine his face after watching you exorcise a curse?”

The three of your conversed for a bit longer, speculating and potting about training, weapons, and your very own pair of curse-seeing glasses. By the end of the night you had a plan, and a pretty good one if you say so yourself.

From that day on, teary eyes and achy hearts were a thing of the past, not because it was that easy to get over Megumi, but because Maki didn’t even allow you the time to feel dismal anymore. You met her everyday after classes without fail, and everyday she would train you until you thought your arms would fall off. After months and months of sore muscles, sweat, and the occasional injury, you were convinced that Maki was incapable of feeling pity or remorse for other living things. Every time you speculated about quitting, she’d set a fire under you, unafraid to remind you how weak you still were.

The green-haired sorcerer had ultimately decided that you worked best dual-armed -- a long, lightweight blade in each hand. On your final day of training, she officially gifted the two swords to you, as a “graduation” gift.

Skill-wise, you were by no means as incredible Maki, but you definitely held your own, and the progress you’d made in a mere 8 months was astronomical. They’d introduced you to a strange silver-haired man at some point, Gojo, who had taken not only an interest in you but also your plot against your ex-boyfriend. He cackled to himself when you told him why you were here, going on and on about how priceless Megumi’s face would be when he saw you.

Your appearance was highly anticipated, so why not debut at one of the biggest jujutsu events all year? The Kyoto Sister School Goodwill Event — Gojo thought it was the most perfect idea.

You tried hard to exude confidence as you walked at Nobara and Maki’s sides, but behind your arrogant facade your stomach was twisting itself into knots. Truthfully, you were scared to see Megumi again after so long.

And when your eyes met with his as you walked into the meeting room, you thought you just might pass out. You thought you were ready for this — but the look of complete shock, fear, and anger on his face as he looked you up and down almost made you regret all of it.

“What’s going on?” Megumi’s words were incredibly calculated, an edge on his voice.

His question was pointless, however, because judging by the fact that you were wearing a jujutsu tech uniform and had two swords sheathed at your sides could only mean one thing. Your hair was longer now too, and your frame was wider with an extra layer of muscle from all the training — you almost looked like a different person.

“I’ve been training with Maki, I-,” You spoke up to explain yourself, but you weren’t even granted the opportunity.

“No, no, Maki, what the hell did you do?” His eyes were shaky and laced with concern.

“I only did what she asked me to. I’m not the one who gave her a complex about being weak, you did that,” Maki shrugged, “and she’s not your girlfriend anymore dude, what do you care?”

Absolute confliction flashed through his eyes, uncertainty and madness swirling in his irises, “You’re right, I don’t care. Let me know when the event is starting”.

He took a sharp turn out of the room and let the door slam a little too hard behind him. The sound of his icey voice and the door shutting with unkind force was all too reminiscent of the night you broke up. Burying every emotion you had deep into your stomach you gave Maki a small, reassuring smile and plopped down on one of the couches.

“Alright, so when does this thing start?”

after the start of the event

Fighting the Kyoto students was proving to be much harder than you initially expected, but you were holding your own at Maki’s side. The two of you had easily taken down a small, kind, blue haired girl named Miwa, and now you were watching an emotional battle between Maki and her sister unfold.

Wait here, she’d told you, I want to do this one myself. Take some notes on my form and watch our backs, okay?

Okay, you’d said, a little confused but ultimately finding a nice spot up in a thick tree to carefully observe from. Maki was truly a force of nature, and it seemed like the other girl never actually had a chance of winning. It was honestly only a few minutes before the small black, haired girl was slumped against a tree and Maki was making her way back to you. Things were looking good, two of Kyoto’s student’s were down already and adrenaline was pumping through your veins.

You couldn't quite shake the awful feeling churning in your stomach though, and Megumi’s face was haunting your thoughts. You hadn’t seen him since before the event started, when an odd, pink haired boy jumped out of a box and freaked everyone out. Nobara had later explained who he was and what had happened, and you wondered how many awful surprises Gojo had planned today -- first you, then that.

A small rumble rippled under your feet, and Maki grabbed your arm as you watched a giant brown vine lurch it’s way out of the ground a few hundred yards in the distance.

“That technique doesn’t belong to anyone from Kyoto,” She shot you a look of concern and determination, “let’s go check it out”.

You gave her a firm nod, the two of you making your way towards the horrifying wooden vines. By the time you managed to arrive, Inumaki was already down and so was a dark-haired boy from Kyoto. A muscular, white curse with black markings and wooden branches for eyes was moments away from taking Megumi on all by himself — thank god you got here in time to help.

Megumi, however, was horrified when he saw you jump over the tall roofed building with Maki at your side. He’d just watched two incredible sorcerers get their shit rocked by this curse, there was no way you would stand a chance against this thing. But before he could even try to stop you, you and the green-haired sorcerer were flying through the air and taking shots at the curse. The two of you worked perfectly in sync, the months of daily training finally paying off.

He watched with intent glazed over his eyes, his heart threatening to lurch up his throat. You were a spectacle, and he always thought you were beautiful but seeing you now with dirt and blood stained clothes, cursed weapons gripped firmly in your hands, you truly were ethereal. He hated it though, he hated that he was falling in love with you all over again, especially under these circumstances. Guilt and anxiety was eating away at him — why did you have to get involved? Why couldn’t you have just stayed away like he told you to?

He was quick to join the two of you, sticking close to your side to protect you if need be — but, even with all three of you together the curse still had the upper hand. Maki had been swatted to the side, her back slamming hard against one of the tiled roofs and knocking her unconscious. It was down to just the two of you now, beads of sweat causing your hair to uncomfortably stick to the back of your neck. This was something that Maki’s training could have never prepared you for.

Megumi was getting tired, taking one wrong step and losing his footing momentarily. The curse saw this as a perfect window of opportunity, sending a spiral of vines and branches hurling for Megumi. It was fast, but the adrenaline coursing through you helped you to move faster, launching yourself through the air and intercepting the attack. The barky, wooden vines twisted violently through your stomach, shooting clean through your back and ripping a violent scream from your throat.

It hurt so bad, feeling the plant wriggle through your organs and tear you apart from the inside out. The curse retracted his vine a few moments later, leaving your mangled body to fall helplessly to the roof. Tears rippled from your eyes, your body shaking and seizing as you coughed up a few sprays of blood.

A long, strong pair of arms scooped you up instantaneously, and your head was resting against a firm chest — probably Megumi, but you didn’t quite have the energy to open your eyes to check.

“We’ll take it from here, get her to Ieiri!” You heard a pair of deep voices yelling to Megumi, but it was too foggy and far away for you to understand what they were saying.

Megumi was seething with anger, moving as fast as his feet could carry him and he ran through the school. As you waved in and out of consciousness, you batted open your eyes, stealing quick glances at his twisted features and — were those tears on his face?

“I- I’m sorry Megumi… I think I finally understand what you were so afraid of all this time,” Your voice was barely a croak, “when I saw it coming, I couldn’t stomach the thought of having to watch you die. I suddenly just thought I would do anything to keep you safe”.

Yeah, those were definitely tears, you could see them a little clearer now. His eyes were red and his cheeks were dried with salty streaks.

“You’re so thick-headed,” he mumbled, his grip around you tightening slightly as he picked up his pace, “I wish you would have made that realization before there was a giant hole in your stomach”.

“Me too,” You hummed, but you weren’t really in any pain anymore. The pain had subdued to a sweet warm sensation inside your stomach, and an intoxicating sleepiness was washing over your head, “I was angry for a long time, but I’m not mad at you anymore, Gumi. I hope you can forgive me too”.

You offered him a tiny smile, but the blood leaking from between you keeps made it anything but sweet.

“There’s nothing to forgive you for, you never did anything wrong,” He spoke quickly, his voice quiet and cracking.

“No, but we’re not gonna make it to Ieiri, I know that and so do you,” You fell into a violent fit of coughs again, sputtering red splatters all over the front of his uniform.

“Shut up”.

“It’s not your fault, none of it was ever your fault,” you choked out once the fit of coughs subsided — and you weren’t just talking about yourself, you were talking about all of the unfortunate tragedies he’d witnessed throughout this life.

“And you’re allowed to be selfish sometimes, you know? I hope that when you meet someone, your soulmate even, you can allow yourself to love them with every part of you”.

The words painfully left your lips, but you meant every single one of them. You were starting to realize that you and Megumi were never meant to make it to the end. You weren’t his soulmate, you were here to help him grow, so that when he did finally meet them he’d be ready.

“You deserve to be loved, Megumi,” You looked up at him with big eyes, but his face was starting to get really fuzzy now.

Your fingers were going numb and your mouth felt like it was filled with sand. You were so tired, letting your eyes flutter shut and your head rest softly against Megumi’s chest. You felt him stop running, you could even hear him screaming at you — but it was too far away for you to hear. You drifted closer and closer to eternal sleep, your soul swollen with love for the boy who broke your heart.

Megumi didn’t even feel sad when you stopped breathing in his arms — he just felt hollow. More empty and broken than he’d ever thought possible. You were the most incredible person he’d ever met — someone with extreme motivation, who acted with no fear or hesitation, who always had love to give, even when he didn’t deserve it. He’d never forget you, not for as long as he’d live anyway.

Even when he did meet a new girl a few years later — a compassionate, brave girl, who reminded him a lot of you — he wouldn’t forget. He wouldn’t forget your words and for the first time in his life he’d let his walls down for her. He’d allow himself to truly love, and be loved in return.

And maybe you were right, maybe he did deserve to be loved like this, because god, he finally feels whole again when she’s around. He just wishes you were still here so he could say thank you.

#megumi angst #megumi fushiguro #fushiguro megumi #fushiguro megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #megumi x reader #angst #fushiguro megumi x you #fushiguro x reader #megumi x you #megumi fushiguro angst #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsukaisen #jjk x y/n #jjk angst #jjk x reader #jjk oneshot #this is sad i’m sorry

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aminiatureworld · 3 years ago

Text

Burden

Characters: Xiao, gn!reader

Word Count: 2,261

Warnings: None

Premise: Xiao fell in love with your goodness, with your selflessness and generosity towards others. Perhaps, however, in doing so he had misunderstood your own complexities.

In which the reader feels they are a burden.

Author’s Note: I feel like I should note that there are going to be some relatively extreme emotions, mostly negative. I don’t feel like it’s enough or specific enough to be given a warning, but if anyone wants to tell me to tag it for something I will gladly. That being said I’m pretty proud of this one

Xiao

Ever since your first interaction you had been helping Xiao. It had seemed so natural, even then, even when nothing seemed natural about interacting with a human, those strange people from who Xiao must always be separated. Yet there you were, asking if this perfect stranger was alright. And there Xiao was, suddenly seeing his world opening up before him.

Perhaps it was for this reason that your relationship had developed in the way it had. To Xiao your selflessness, your never ending kindness, the fact that you would stop to help someone regardless of circumstance, all of that was normal. It was innate in your personality, and perhaps that was why Xiao never questioned what effect having that kind of personality might have on you. It is easy to assume that a kind and selfless person is also one with a short memory. After all, how could they stand it otherwise?

So when the first, barely noticeable, traces of that burden which Xiao saw so often began to swirl around you the yaksha’s initial reaction was that of utter panic. Was this not the exact reason that Xiao had chosen to disconnect himself from humanity? Was this not proof, right before him, that the chains he carried could not be contained. Though Xiao generally thought of humans as vaguely useless, deserving of protection because Rex Lapis proclaimed it be so, the idea of harming any one of them with the legacy of his own sins, it was something that he could never stomach, no matter how many times he feigned apathy. That you should be the person upon who his burdens should be transferred, how could he bear it?

Of course a small, more logical, part of him urged the adeptus to stop and think. The miasma that Xiao attracted in such high concentration was everywhere, and humans were not exempt from this burden by themselves. After all, did humanity not channel great evil as well as good? Did not the most ordinary human, dejected by their lot in life, become swarmed by little wisps of evil? Yet those were other, ordinary humans. Ordinary humans couldn’t understand the sheer capability to love that you seemed to possess. No, if Xiao could sense such a miasma around you then it was surely his fault.

Still the idea of leaving you was something quite painful to Xiao, to the adeptus who had so recently learned what it meant to love someone wholeheartedly. He told himself that it was best to leave immediately, best to disappear with the wind and never look back. Yet a part of him couldn’t seem to bear the idea; and that was the part that won out as Xiao approached you later in the day, as if in a desperate last attempt to prove himself wrong.

“Are you alright?”

“Xiao!” You jumped slightly, having evidently been lost in thought. Smiling widely you shook your head. “Of course I’m alright! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I…” Xiao paused for a moment as the idea of telling you what was going on flitted through his head. Almost immediately the thought was squashed. After all, would the knowledge not worry you more? “I was just asking.”

“Well thank you Xiao, it’s very kind of you to think of me.”

“It’s my duty.”

“Still,” your smile never faltered. “You deserve thanks for what you do nonetheless.”

Xiao tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, tried to block out the emotions that crashed over him like great waves as you leaned in to give him a soft kiss on the cheek. Was this not a good thing? After all, if Xiao was what cause this miasma to float around you, then was that not your salvation? Xiao knew how easy it was to drown in the burdens that one must shoulder. He knew how easy it was for humans to sink to the bottom of their despair and never once more emerge for water. Why should it not be a blessing that you would never have to fight to keep your head up, to keep yourself from a life full of burdens? Why, why did it hurt so much?

During the night, Xiao would leave during the night. After all, you deserved one last evening of happiness, if the yaksha could even believe that he brought you happiness. Or maybe it was for his sake that he refused to leave before the world was plunged into darkness. Maybe it was simply that Xiao could no longer imagine a world without you, and that such nightmares came out easier at night. Lying on top of the roof, eyes closed, ears focused on the familiar tread of your feet, Xiao willed himself not to think. He could regret when he was far away from you, when you were once more safe. For now he could only follow that ritual which had so long kept him sane, kept him from joining his brethren. For now he thought only of the contract he had once made.

The sound of your feet on the ground below came all too soon, as the sun finally began its descent across the heavens in earnest. Keeping his eyes closed, as if to stall the darkness for a little longer, Xiao took a deep breath in. He needed to steel himself for this evening; if not, well, Xiao had no wish to cry for the first time in a millennia.

Only once these thoughts finished flitting around in his head did the yaksha finally recognize the change in your footfall. Usually you were very light on your feet, dashing this way and that, stopping to ask Goldet or Yanxiao some mundane question, inquiring after the old lady who had basically set up permanent residence on the bottom floor of the Inn. This time, however, you seemed to drag, as if you were indeed carrying something very heavy. Alarm flashing through him, Xiao willed himself into perfect stillness. He wished to hear more, wished to understand what had caused such a change in you.

What he certainly hadn’t expected was the labored breathing of someone seconds away from tears.

The moment Xiao heard the door to your room close the sobbing began in earnest. Though you certainly seemed to be trying your hardest to hide your tears the sound of your muffled sobs rang through Xiao like a siren, flaring up every bit of alarm he had to offer. Jumping off of the roof Xiao catapulted his way through the hallways of the Inn, not bothering to hide his presence to the few, very confused, residents that were out. Reaching your room he didn’t allow himself a moment’s hesitation before grabbing the knob and opening the door.

Your head snapped up, eyes a mixture of dark emotions as you stared at him. For a moment you seemed ready to flee, to run and hide somewhere, or perhaps to throw him out. However almost immediately you seemed to sink back into yourself, and though Xiao could still sense your distress, at least the initial shock of his arrival seemed to have passed as quickly as it would otherwise.

“Xiao! I, I didn’t expect you. I, could, could you leave? I don’t, I don’t want, I don’t want to be seen right now.” It was all you could get out before another round of sobs wracked through your body.

Trying to remember what you had done for so many people, for himself, Xiao grabbed the pitcher that sat at one of the tables in the room. Pouring some water into a glass he crept towards you as softly as possible, hoping that he could convey his worries in these odd, brusque actions. He knew that he didn’t have the talent you had to comfort people, knew that all his gestures of kindness inevitably came out cramped and awkward. Nevertheless he shoved the glass into your hands, staring just past you as you tentatively downed the water. Taking the glass from you Xiao then reached out one of his palms to you. His relief when you placed your own palm on top of his was indescribable.

“I guess you probably would like an explanation,” you rasped out.

Xiao said nothing, waiting for you to act on your own. If he knew anything the yaksha knew that attempting to force the truth out of anyone would never worked. Hadn’t his own years as a pariah taught him that.

“It’s just,” you finally continued, taking in deep, labored breaths. “It’s just so hard. It’s so hard Xiao, I can’t stand it anymore!”

“Stand it?”

“Stand the… the hurt!”

Your eyes filled with tears, and you went to grab the handkerchief that you left on your nightstand. You always needed one with you, as your eyes stung terribly whenever you began to cry. Xiao said nothing as you sobbed once more, only moving to draw small circles on the back of your hand with his thumb.

“It hurts so much, to see other people. To hear their problems. Not that it’s their fault, or that I don’t want to help them. I do, I really do. I look at all the people suffering near me and I just want to take all their burdens and give it to myself, after all they don’t deserve all their sufferings. But it’s so hard Xiao, it’s so hard to take on people’s burdens, even a little bit. And I feel so selfish when I think that, so selfish and so worthless. How can I say that? But it’s true, it’s really, really true. And when I think about that, when I think about all the other people suffering worse than me, it just makes me feel so horribly selfish. Like, like all my problems are so stupid and selfish and telling others would only hurt them, and didn’t I want to take everyone else’s burdens away? I’m so stupid. And it just, it hurts.”

Xiao sat there quietly once more, waiting as you cried. At one point you seemed to collapse in on yourself, leaning against his shoulder as if to support yourself. Only then did Xiao allow himself to move. Carding his hands through your hair he said nothing, he merely waited.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. You already have enough burdens, I know. I shouldn’t be complaining to you of all people. I, if you want you can tell me if something is wrong. I mean, you always can, I, just. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“My burdens are my own,” Xiao replied softly, finally letting the emotions swirling through him try to string together as words. “It has nothing to do with you. It never will. You, you should come to me when you feel burdened.”

“But then I’m only passing my problems onto you!”

“I told you, my chains are my own. They are the payment for my contract. They aren’t what you tell me or push on me. If you feel these burdens then give to me. That is my duty.”

“But Xiao, I, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a problem.”

“How can you say something so stupid,” Xiao scoffed. Bringing his hand to your cheek he sighed softly. “You will never be a problem. You will always be dear to me. Let me help you. You help so many humans. I want to help you.”

“I, I don’t know,” you spoke, voice faltering.

Though Xiao could still feel the tension in the air, could still see the miasma which swirled around you, there was something fragile about it. It was as if Xiao could reach through the tangled threads and pull them away, if only he could find a way to do so. Stroking your cheek softly Xiao pressed his forehead to yours. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath in. After a few moments he heard you do the same.

The rest of the evening Xiao stayed vigilant by your side, listening as you finally let yourself say all the things that had been weighing down upon you. It was painful, listening to you. Xiao constantly had to fight the urge to tell you how wrong you were, how much you mattered and how far he would go to bring you all the happiness he could possible gather in his stained hands. Still he said nothing, for if you had taught him anything it was that simply listening could do infinitely more than promising to fight or trying to shoulder each burden as you lay them out in the daylight.

Eventually you grew exhausted, a combination of the crying and the talking and the reliving. As Xiao listened to your breath even out, softly shifting your head from leaning on his shoulder to resting in his lap, the yaksha thought about all that had happened.

Xiao had assumed that you were somehow above all the humans around you. Purer, gentler, kinder. He hadn’t stopped to think how that might have affected you. Now that he knew that wasn’t true, now that Xiao knew how deeply you felt, how sometimes your mind too chased after darkness or found itself struggling to keep above water, he couldn’t help but feel as if he’d missed something before. Perhaps you shouldered these burdens and perhaps you were just as human as the rest. You were still kind, kind and selfless and utterly beautiful. And Xiao still loved you in a way that continued to burn brightly through his soul.

#genshin impact #xiao x reader #xiao #alatus #genshin impact fanfiction #requested #oneshot #my writing

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hermestalaria · 3 years ago

Text

Don’t need you.

genre; angst.

soulmate au; where soulmates can feel each others emotional pain. If the first physical contact with said soulmate is under negative or forced circumstances, it leaves a mark.

summary; Guzma and the reader are soulmates, but it doesn’t work out the way the reader thought it would. He pushes them away. The bad guys don’t get happy endings.

pairings; guzma x gn!reader

warnings; shitty dialogue, like two swears, doesn’t venture deeply into mental health but hints at the reader’s possible atelophobia.

atelophobia - fear of not being good enough. Imperfection.

A/N; I imagine the mark to be like smeared charcoal or something, I’m an artist so I have a ✨creative mind✨ kidding. But on a serious note, I don’t actually write often since I have this permanent writers block where I feel like whatever I write, it just is shit. Anyways, I have decided to actually post one of my writings for the first time. Shocker. I had the sudden idea to start writing this at 1am, DON’T BE TOO HARSH ON ME. This will probably be apart of a short angst oneshot series bc I’m an evil bitch and clearly like to cause myself and others emotional distress. - Lily <3

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“You can’t help me, kid. I’m far too gone.”

Far too gone to care.

You remember his voice, it seems like it’s the only thing that makes an appearance in your dreams. Dreams of something better. A better outcome, perhaps?

It was in your nightmares too. Nightmares.

Bad dreams weren’t something that you were used to experiencing, considering yourself to be one of the lucky ones because you never had to deal with them often. Luck.

What bullshit.

Now…now, you had bad dreams almost every night. You couldn’t sleep. Every time you closed your eyes, you could see his face, his bored expression as he stared at you like you mean nothing to him. As if you were someone beneath him. Someone not worthy of his time. Someone not worthy.

You hated that feeling.

Stupid.

“You didn’t even give me a chance.” your voice cracked at the end of the sentence slightly. as if you could literally feel your heart shatter into millions of little pieces.

“Just let me help, please. Just let me help you.”

Desperation. A need for approval.

The team skull leader raised his chin as he literally looked down at you, a thick eyebrow arched as his narrowed eyes scanned yours for any sign of dishonesty. A lie.

Why would you lie? He’s your soulmate. Your person. The person who you’re supposed to love and care about more than anything. More than anyone.

You were being genuine.

“Huh.” The Team Skull boss clicked his tongue. “You’re being genuine. People in Alola have too much to prove. Always looking for ways to prove themselves to anyone willing to pay attention. Everyone’s too caught up in bettering themselves that they begin to lose awareness of everyone else around them. It’s pathetic.”

“I’ve got nothing to lose…and I’m not from Alola, I’m from Kanto. Kanto region.” You tell him, your eyes glazing over with unshed tears of frustration at his harshness that was directed towards you. For a short moment, you could’ve sworn his face softened, but maybe it was just a fragment of your imagination. Imagining what you wanted to see. Not what was actually happening.

“I could tell.” His hands are shoved into his pockets, asserting boyish arrogance. He looked bored. “You reek of weakness.”

You could tell this attempted heart to heart was getting you nowhere. You weren’t always the best at confrontation. “You’re pushing me away. I understand why, really, I only want to help you I-“ you cut yourself off, searching his eyes for any warmth, anything at all.

Cold.

“You’re saying that you’d only want to help cause’ I’m your soulmate, they think you can get through to me like your little friends and Kukui always wanted. I’m good. I don’t need your help. You weren’t there for me before, I don’t need you now. I don’t need you.”

Harsh.

You visibly winced. The feeling of rejection prodding at your already shattered heart like a knife, panging in your chest. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it?” A sinister grin formed on his face, picking and playing at your weaknesses, he could do that you know. Stupid connection. He’s the only one who could.

“No. It isn’t.” You sounded exasperated now. Furrowing your eyebrows.

“You’re so mean.”

You could’ve sworn you heard an “I know” in response.

“I don’t want to see your face again.” His voice was cold, distant. But it sounded strained. Like he wasn’t 100% willing to let you go without even getting to know you. To know his soulmate. It was your turn to act cold. “Believe me when I say this pretty boy.” You laughed bitterly. A sour taste spreading throughout your tastebuds as you spoke such poison. Now that’s going to be a lot of damage. “The feeling is mutual.”

Lies.

He tilted his head to the left. Eyebrows raised at the nickname. You walked forward, bumping his shoulder harshly as you walked past him and Plumeria, even she looked worried. That was going to leave a nasty mark for sure, but you could deal with the setbacks later. The grunts worried eyes were fixated on your retreating figure as you walked away.

You stopped.

“Oh, and by the way…I don’t need you either.” You let out a humourless snicker. “I’m not going to try to fight for you anymore, for this…whatever this is, because you wouldn’t do the same for me. Clearly.” You were putting your guard up to hide the unwanted emotions that you were truly feeling at that moment. Heartbreak.

“See you around, soulmate.” The bitterness poured from your tongue like acid rain, as you waved your hand dismissively at the group, not even bothering to wait for their reactions to your confession. His reaction.

When you had gotten far enough, you squeezed your eyes shut. Finally allowing the tears to fall. Something in you was screaming at you to GO BACK and fix it.

Fix it.

You couldn’t fix it. Not this time.

Your shattered heart.

You could feel the tug, the pull…the strain in your chest the further you walked away, the stronger the tug felt. Strained.

He said he didn’t need you.

He didn’t need you.

He didn’t want you.

But you wanted him more than anything. You needed him. Pain.

All you felt was pain.

The pull in your chest tugged at your heartstrings to turn around. Run to him as fast as you could and hug him tightly. Run to him.

You didn’t.

Maybe you were more like each other than you both thought.

You were soulmates after all.

#Guzma #guzma x reader #team skull #pokemon #pokemon sun #pokemon moon #pokemon sumo #shitty soulmate au #plumeria supremacy #I’m gay for plumes #what the fuck am I doing #pokemon sun and moon

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