#; trauma cw

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

It's OK if you don't know if your asexuality is related to or caused by past trauma or not. It's OK to keep identifying as asexual anyways.

[dittomoon]

So, I drew this back in October 2021 but only shared it on the BoJack Horseman Reddit - I liked the idea of lining up the diamonds in Bojacks family tree, ending up with Hollyhock breaking away from their family trauma. I only realised after the sketch that Honey doesn’t have a diamond but I still wanted her to be at the top.

[petty-tears]

gut wrenching

[ickyd0ll]

I LOVE YOU AS A FIST LOVES THE BROKEN RIB, AS THE LUNGS LOVE THE CHASE, AS THE FINGER AND THE NAIL LOVE THE GOUGE AND TEAR. I LOVE YOU AS THE TEETH LOVE THE TENDON, AND THE TENDON THE BRUISE, I LOVE YOU AS ADRENALINE LOVES THE POUNDING IN YOUR EARS.

[traumacorevomit]

[cabeswaterdrowned]

I understand that for Adam Ronan’s approach of not tiptoeing around him and instead giving a bit of tough love is preferable to the alternative / makes him feel like he’s being treated as more of an equal and less of a project, someone with autonomy etc. But as a reader who is not Adam I think I’m allowed to be slightly ticked off about how dismissive he was about Adam’s ptsd episode. Both things can be true.

[krakenartificer]

Notes on therapist selection

(From someone who is getting a good grade in Having a Therapist, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve)

Some friends were discussing their work to find a therapist today, and I noticed some unspoken assumptions that can sometimes get in the way of finding someone who's a good fit for your recovery needs, especially around deciding what specializations to look for when no one covers the full range of your crazy. So a list of things to think about that -- as always -- may or may not be useful to anyone except me.

1) On overlapping specializations Anyone who specializes in ADHD or Autism will also have experience dealing with trauma, because every school system I've ever encountered has been traumatizing for NDs. They may or may not call it trauma in their own minds, but they know how to handle "a bad thing happened in my past and it's fucking up my present" problems.

Likewise, everyone who specializes in trauma has experience with anxiety. PTSD was, until 2013, classified as an anxiety disorder. DSM-V puts it in its own category for presumably good reasons, but everyone with PTSD has anxiety (or close enough that you can't specialize in trauma without knowing how to deal with anxiety).

That said ... 2) On picking your therapist based on vibes

Vibes are really more important than specialization. Specialization is important if, like, you have one (1) specific problem and you are looking for a solution for that problem. Like, if your life is fine except that you have ADHD and the executive dysfunction is causing you to be unable to write English essays, then you definitely want an ADHD specialist. But if your opening session is going to be

Therapist: So what brings you in? Me: Well! -straightens lapels- -pulls out easel- -pulls out prepared presentation notes- I have a list

Or

Therapist: So what brings you in? What changes are you looking to make? Me: This -gestures- Therapist: You just pointed to all of you Me: Yes.

then any generic psychologist is as good as any other. You got shit in your head and you gotta detangle it and it's all snarled together anyway, so it's a lot more important that you find someone who you're willing to be working with for years.

3) On finding "the one"

Odds are really really good that you're gonna have more than one therapist in your recovery arc. I did 2 years with one who specialized in psychological impacts on physical health, and it did so. much. for me, and I don't regret it for a moment, but also ... I reached a point where that wasn't the specialization I needed anymore, and also the shit in my head I needed to deal with was the kind of shit that (for trauma reasons) I couldn't talk about to someone in that therapist's demographic. So I left that practice, and found my current therapist.

My current therapist is great, and I'm really glad I'm working with him, but it's entirely possible that he's not going to be able to sort out this entire mess. We may reach a point where his specialties of relationships and adhd are not my bottlenecks any more, and he doesn't really have the tools he needs to handle what my next bottleneck is, and I'll go find someone else who can meet my needs at that time. This is normal and expected, and it's entirely fine to plan on it by (for example) deciding that you want a specialist in this thing right now, and you'll go find a specialist in this other thing later.

4) On Shopping

It's entirely reasonable to have more than one therapist this week. You are in no way expected or required to pick a single therapist based off of some profile pictures, a bio on the website, and a phone call, and then you're stuck with them forever. It is normal and understood that you will set up appointments with half a dozen therapists, and then pick two (or three) to do another session with, before settling into a single choice. Or don't! If you like two therapists for different reasons, and you'd rather work with them simultaneously instead of serially, then feel free to schedule with twice as many therapists, half as often. This ain't a wedding; you don't have to restrict yourself to only one.

Narrow down your choices as quickly as you want to based on your anxiety about not having a decision, based on your executive dysfunction and inability to track multiple things, based on how you feel about each one ... but don't narrow them down to one just because you think that's "the rules", somehow.

5) On Being Abrasive

If you know, upfront, what some of your dealbreakers are, just straight-up say that as you're scheduling the appointment or in the first session. My last therapist became a problem for me because she expressed empathy in a way that was too similar to the way my abuser used weaponized politeness to deny me boundaries; I couldn't talk to her about my violations because her demeanor was too similar to the person who violated me. So when I first talked to my current therapist, I told him, "I need someone who, if they think I'm full of shit, will say 'I think you're full of shit.'" He replied "One of my other clients calls me 'Deadpool'." I said, "Perfect. Let's give it a shot."

So if you really care that someone will let you schedule appointments online, or will never touch your wrist, or will treat your "disorder" as a neurodivergence to be accommodated rather than a problem to be solved, then say so. The sooner you both know that, the better: if you have particular needs, they need to know that now; and if they're not willing to meet your needs, YOU need to know that now.

(You will not, of course, always know your dealbreakers upfront. When I picked my first therapist, my primary problem was hip pain, and I didn't know it was PTSD. It was through her help that I realized that (a) I had trauma and (b) she was way too like my abuser for me to treat PTSD with her. This was not a failure. This was a massive success, because learning that was what allowed me to find someone who could help me (see point #3). It's fine if you don't know, right now, what you need -- that's part of why vibes are so important (see point #2). But whatever information you can give them, it is helpful to do so, and (despite what people in your past have implied) it is not rude, it is beneficial and desired.

6 - not advice, just a reminder

You are beautiful and brave and strong and I am so proud of you for fighting through all the shit -- both internal and external -- to get yourself help. No one ever talks about how hard it is to get to the point where you schedule that first meeting with that first therapist, and I want you to know that it is painful, it is challenging, and you're not lazy or stupid or whatever other lie your brain is telling you.

[allcfme]

(Possible spoilers below, but read at your own risk for some Shadow trauma. )

  ⌦ BEEP. . .           BEEP. . .              BEEP. . .

   THE SOUND OF MONITORS and whirring machines echoed between soft breaths, footsteps and scribbles of pens. Cooperation did not stir too well with the hedgehog. One moment, he was skating around with Maria behind, holding onto a thick rope that wrapped around his waist to feel the speed while they zipped through the halls . . . to being hassled and dogpiled onto. Everything was a blur after he was injected with some sort of sedative. 

             FREAK.

               MONSTER.

                 GERALD'S ABOMINATION.

   CURSES AND SWEARS was what he heard before slipping into unconsciousness, sight dimming from doctors and scientists blocking his line of view of Maria. Something about running in the halls and overcharging the PROJECT caused a little accident with a few generators, overloading them and shutting them down. Shadow couldn't see if she was okay or not; her voice drowning out with the commotion. 

    ⌦ Strapped down to a table, bright lights burning down on his form. Wires weaved and planted onto his fur and skin. IV connected into his elbow. The ringing in his ears drowned out Gerald's scolding until. . . 

           "She could've gotten killed because of you. You're irresponsible. You are a cure, not a curse. Do not slip up again," Footsteps trailed out as, once again, he was left to the scientists.

    Right. Emotions were meant to be shut off, but being around her, she brought out the best in him. He's a cure. A weapon. A monster. A simple nod was Shadow's only response, making no noise when a red quill was plucked from the base of his head. His heart rate on the monitor seemed to fluctuate faster at the mention of Maria in possible danger . . . because of him. Because of getting too excited. Her laughter was a good sign. Even if she tried to plead to her grandfather that it was an accident and having fun, Shadow would take the blame and be punished accordingly. Whether it be poked and prodded with chemicals or pushed to exhaustion, the worst one was isolation . . . until he could behave. 

                FREAK.

     ⌦ THE MONITORS BEGAN to blare. Static crackles started to spark out of them and the other machines, causing the scientists to panic and rush about to shut off the machines.           "That abomination is going crazy again!" The high of his own panic at the thought of hurting his own best friend and sister shot red energy out of him, frying the wires connected to him. He'd rather kill himself than to hurt her. Scrambling feet and shouts began to drown out with that ringing again. That beam of light shattered above him and the group of others, leaving them in total darkness. 

                GASP.

    ⌦ BOLTING UPWARDS brought him back into the real world. Even in slumber, his past continued to haunt him. There wasn't any escape. Being awake would lead him into dissociation if left on his own for too long; while being asleep brought him back. No matter what, he was trapped, unable to move on as much as he craved to.

[briar--rising]

Rosh Hashanah is next week. It's always been my favorite holiday, and every year I prepare for it and look forward to it. But this year I've been dreading it, and until this past week I couldn't figure out why.

I haven't been to synagogue much in the past year. I've gone a handful of times, but much less than any other year since graduating college. And I thought of going, my therapist tried to encourage me to go because she knows it often makes me feel better, but there was just this inner resistance that I couldn't figure out and wasn't ready to look at closely enough to decipher anyway. And then as the High Holy Days got closer and closer I started to notice that I was really dreading them, which is not how I usually feel. And so I brought it up in therapy on Tuesday, and came to some really important realizations.

I've been doing a lot of very serious grief work and trauma work this fall. My most serious trauma anniversaries are almost all in the fall, and it's a season of great grief and usually highly elevated symptoms for me. My first serious psychotic break was in the fall, four of my five hospitalizations have been in the fall, etc. Until this year I spent every autumn of the past decade pretty severely psychotic. I could not face the trauma and grief that this time of year brings up for me, I could not process those feelings and memories without losing my mind in defense so that I wouldn't have to truly experience them. I've always known this, and for a few years have tried very hard to truly experience my grief and not retreat into psychosis, but I never managed it until this year.

This autumn has been different. I've still struggled with psychosis much more than in the summer, I still have to fight it most days. But I'm winning most of those fights. And I'm grieving. I'm mourning, I'm crying, I'm sitting with my feelings for as long as I can bear and then distracting myself from them when they get too much instead of retreating into symptoms most of the time. I'm genuinely experiencing the thoughts and feelings I need to be experiencing. I'm reading about death, about grief, about loss, I'm talking about these things in therapy. It's often incredibly painful, though sometimes it is simply a peaceful kind of sorrow. I'm getting in touch with a lot of the feelings I've found so difficult to face from some of the hardest times of my life, and I'm experiencing some of them again.

And some of those feelings that I was really quite blindsided by and that I've been largely repressing for 15 years are incredibly complicated feelings about G-d. When I was 11 years old I was just like any other religious and traumatized kid: I prayed to G-d to fix it. I did that thing kids do, I tried to make bargains with Him. "Dear G-d, if I clean my room will You save my mommy? If I'm perfect, will You fix my family?" You know. Things like that.

I was desperate for anything, anyone to save me. I talk sometimes about the particular traumas of that year, about my brother's birth, about my mother's hospitalizations, about her suicide attempt. But I have no words to express the year as a whole, except to say that terrible thing after terrible thing after terrible thing happened, and throughout all of it I was neglected and left at sea. My mom was sick, my dad was trying to keep his head above water, no one was there for me. So I tried to turn to G-d. And when He wasn't there for me either, I felt incredibly abandoned and betrayed, both by Him but also because I was taking my feelings about my family neglecting me during severe trauma and putting them onto Him. It's hard for me to express the levels of hurt and rage I felt at G-d during that time period.

And then my memory cuts out. I remember approximately nothing from shortly after my twelfth birthday (in June) until November over a year later. I have a handful of memories of specific events that took place at school or at camp, but absolutely zero memories of my internal feelings or anything that ever took place at home during seventh grade. It's just. Gone. Always has been, probably always will be.

The next significant things I remember in terms of my relationship to G-d and my religion are all about Hebrew High School, which I loved (I got to start it early bc I was being bullied in normal Hebrew School), and preparing for my Bat Mitzvah, which I also loved. My memory goes from intense feelings of betrayal and abandonment and agony to instantaneously a relatively low conflict, positive relationship with G-d and Judaism (with Jewish-appropriate amounts of questioning of course and moments of anger, but no true rage and despair like I once felt). And I stayed in that space of Judaism-as-comfort-with-minimal-internal-conflict for the next 10+ years. I have no idea how that transition happened, but it certainly didn't occur because I slowly and naturally dealt with all of my complicated feelings and embraced religion after processing.

And then this year, well. I guess the processing came due. I'd like to be very very clear that being Jewish always has been and always will be incredibly important to me, and nothing about any of this changes that. I am struggling, though. I'm re-experiencing a lot of those childhood feelings of betrayal and abandonment and confusion and rage. And not being ready to face those feelings is why I've been subconsciously avoiding synagogue for the past year, and is why I've been dreading the holidays. At least now I'm aware of what's happening, so that's a step in the right direction. And in the long term this is a good and important step not only in my trauma recovery but in my relationship with Judaism and with G-d; I can't have as deep of a relationship as I want without this kind of struggle. To quote my therapist, "your relationship with Judaism is too important to you to be easy." Thankfully in Judaism struggling like this is not only allowed but expected. But it is a struggle, right now. A painful one.

I leave you all with a song I've been listening to on repeat that is helping me confront and think about a lot of these feelings:

[plasmicthoughts]

olivia rodrigo, lesbian, woman, she/her. ♡ now entering the apartment building is deidre flores, a twenty-one year old who is currently a true crime creator & advocator. netizens have said they seem timid but others have said they’re benevolent ! gossip aside, we’re sure they’re bound to be a fan favorite !

content warnings include abduction, trauma, & abuse.

basics

Name: Deidre Dahlia Flores

Nickname/s: Deedee

Preferred name/s: Deidre

Gender: Woman

Pronouns: She/her

Age: 21

Birthday: December 17th

Zodiac: Sagittarius

Sexuality: Lesbian

Relationship status: Single

Occupation: True crime creator & advocator

Hometown: Santa Monica, California

Accent: American (Olivia Rodrigo vc)

backstory

Deidre grew up in a dance-focused household, with her mother as a ballet teacher, which instilled in her a passion for dance from an early age.

At just seven years old, she and three other girls from her dance troupe were kidnapped by a competition head, enduring a harrowing experience before being rescued.

The trauma from the abduction kept her out of dance for several years as she struggled to cope with the aftermath.

At ten, her family moved to South Korea for her mother's job opportunity as a choreographer, hoping for a fresh start.

Deidre faced significant dehumanization as her case was publicized; even though their identities were protected, the trauma resurfaced in her teenage years when evidence of her identity leaked.

The revelation at school was devastating, leading to bullying and isolation, which deepened her desire to help others in similar situations.

This experience fueled her passion for advocacy, and she began working to support victims of crimes through awareness and education.

Eventually, she channeled her experiences into creating an ethical true crime podcast and YouTube channel, focusing on the stories of victims and their families.

With the support of her small community, Deidre found the strength to return to dance, reclaiming a part of her identity that had been lost.

Seeking connection and healing, she applied to join the web series Seoulmates to find a supportive network and explore new friendships after her trauma stunted her social interactions.

Through her podcast and dance, Deidre aims to empower others, reminding them that they are not defined by their trauma but by their resilience and courage.

personality & more

Deidre is compassionate and deeply empathetic, often putting herself in others' shoes to understand their struggles.

She possesses a strong sense of justice and is driven to advocate for victims' rights and awareness.

Creative and articulate, she excels in storytelling, both in dance and through her podcasting.

Deidre is resilient, demonstrating remarkable strength in overcoming her past trauma and using it to fuel her passions.

She has a strong moral compass, prioritizing ethical practices in her true crime content to honor victims' stories.

A natural leader, she inspires others in her community to speak out and support one another.

Despite her past, she maintains a playful and light-hearted side, often using humor to cope with difficult topics.

Deidre values authenticity and encourages open conversations about mental health and trauma.

She has a passion for learning, often exploring new topics related to crime, justice, and advocacy.

Her experience in dance has made her disciplined and dedicated, qualities she applies to all her pursuits.

Deidre is a lover of storytelling in all forms, enjoying books, films, and podcasts that explore human experiences.

She dreams of creating a platform that not only educates but also empowers victims and advocates for systemic change.

Deidre is timid, and feels socially stunted, but she's always trying her best to live the life she once wasn't sure she'd still have.

[teaboot]

Every so often someone IRL gets on my ass about a dumb shit thing I'm doing and it's fine usually except sometimes it's really condescending and holier-than-though and after I've tried a few times to say "yes I know this" and they haven't shut up I kinda wanna just

yanno

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

If you relate to asexual or aromantic identities and experiences because of trauma, you can still use those labels if they're useful for you. You can still use them even if you're not sure if past trauma plays a role in you relating to these labels or not.

[pamithebunterfly2007]

(TW: Self-Harm, Pills, Syringes) My first Traumacore edit along with a vent that happen to me back in 2021.

I was a fragile little lamb at the age of 14 in 2021, why did my life suddenly become so scary and stressful for me? Why is my family yelling at me? Why are my teachers not noticing my pain? Why are my friends from school ignoring me?! I blacked out suddenly during P.E, I was “dead” in my mind, I was awake at the nurse’s office, someone give me candy just to let me choke, Tears are running down in my cheek, My mind and my self are out of sorts, I pretend to cut myself with an invisible knife, I was sent to the mental hospital thanks to my school for sending me to hell, Why does this happen to me? This memory of mine is so bad that it keeps replaying day after day and it’s so inescapable, I used to be so happy as a child but not anymore for being a teenager. Please take good care of me, don’t break me, don’t tear me apart, don’t let the wolves take my blood away, please don’t take me back to hell again, I’m so sensitive, Please don’t yell at me, Don’t leave me behind.

“I’m still a lamb who needs to be loved again”

[movedto-mastcrmarksman]

hawkeye + effects of childhood.

Clint Barton webweavings 1/??

credits under the read more;

ocean vuong, "someday i'll love" // hawkeye: blind spot // conan gray, "family line" // fraction's hawkeye // the front bottoms, "father" // fraction's hawkeye // agustín gómez-arcos, "the carnivorous lamb" // solo avengers vol 1 issue 2 // unknown // hawkeye and us agent's grudge, various runs // clementine von radics // the avengers (1963) issue 65 // unknown // thunderbolts (2022) issue 1 // satany, tumblr

@starsnheroes @mastcrmarksman tags myself so i can reblog this @mastcrmarksman

[carnivorousyandeere]

There is no escape. Nothing they can do to erase your past, to take it away from you. Nothing stops the nightmares, the flashbacks, the guilt, the pain, the trauma. They love you so much, more than anything in the world, more than they think anybody’s ever loved anyone, and it’s still not enough. They can’t protect you, can’t perfectly avoid your triggers, can’t permanently soothe that ache in your soul. The sheer feeling of helplessness when all they want to do is help you is overwhelming.

[boatcats]

All of It

"That thing you mentioned with the crab?" Lucius made a face. "Kinda fucked up, man."

"Yeah, sorry. It's a downer. Never really a good time to bring it up."

"Eh. Pete turned a little green but he'll be okay. Want a cigarette?"

"Please." Ed took it with shaky hands (talking about the past was hard, okay?). Lucius lit it for him.

"How do you...? Not that I'm going to take your advice because it probably sucks. But how do you tell Stede about this stuff? Pete... I don't want to -"

Ed's heart contracted painfully in his chest. Lucius looked worried. And Ed had never meant for him to experience the worst that piracy had to offer... but then Lucius must know that now - he wouldn't be asking Ed this question if he didn't.

"I.... have you considered bottling it up and then having a flashback in his bathtub?"

"Noooooo..." Lucius said consideringly. Then he pulled a face. "Pete doesn't have a bathtub."

"Hmm. That does create a roadblock."

Lucius sighed. "Everyone on this ship is a mess."

"Yep. Even Pete. I don't really have good advice, if you couldn't tell... but he loves you. I think that means he's here for all of it."