#; but i wonder if you can be diagnosed with borderline and bipolar

[necroromantics]

So it’s not Toby I headcanon with BP, it’s Jeff. And it’s kinda the reason why I feel hesitant to write him. I’ve been reading up on stuff recently about BP and how to write characters with the condition, but I was wondering if you had any tips? I don’t want to contribute to any misinformation.

ALL ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER + WRITING IT

Warning. This is a very very very long post. LMAO

Ok so when it comes to writing any character, you need to understand that they aren't a real person, they're a storytelling device. They don't really work on the same logic systems of reality like we do in the real world. So when you're writing a character with things like mental health issues, it's important to view it as "How does this contribute to my story" or "How does this fit into the unique logistics of my stories reality"

But in order to bend (not break) the rules when it comes to portraying mental health issues, you need to first know the rules, and then work to weaving that framework of the real world into your fictional world/character.

For example, my OC Tobin has bipolar disorder, but it doesn't really come up in the Creepedverse story cuz it just doesn't fit in as a storytelling device. In reality, throughout the story, Tobin would have at least an episode or two over the course of the year the plot takes place. An important thing to consider is how a characters mental health issues contribute to the story you wanna tell. And if it doesn't, its ok for it to just be a lil side thing you know about.

Now for actual information on Bipolar Disorder (which is shortened to BD, NOT BPD. BPD is a completely separate disorder called "borderline personality disorder", they are very different though people constantly mix them up due to terminology similarities)

There are two main types of bipolar disorder that someone may be diagnosed with, (theres also cyclothymia which is like diet bipolar with hypomania/mild depression, and schizoaffective bipolar which is like schizophrenia and bipolar mixed, but Im not getting into those today). When writing a character with BD, its very important to note how the disorder actually effects them. Remember, a disorder is something that causes a person significant dysfunction and impairment in their day to day life. It negatively impacts them in many ways such as personal distress, their relationships, job, finances, etc.

Bipolar Type 1: The requirement for being diagnosed with type 1 is the presence of an episode of extremely high energy/moods that lasts more than a week, OR ends up being so severe the person gets hospitalized. This lengthy period of high moods is called a manic episode, which Ill get into later. You only need to have experienced one manic episode to qualify for a bipolar diagnosis. Thats why you can only experience mania if you are bipolar, cuz the moment you're manic, you fit the bill for bipolar type 1. Make sense? Most, but not all, people with type 1 also experience periods of extremely low energy/moods called a depressive episode. These lows are not required for a diagnosis, but they are very prevalent. They may last weeks to months. The main thing about type 1 bipolar is the manic episodes they experience that cause them significant distress in life.

Bipolar Type 2: Type 2 is diagnosed if someone experiences a hypomanic episode that lasts more than 4 days, AND a depressive episode (not at the same time, but within the same year). Hypomania is a mild form of typical mania. If someone experiences extreme mania, they will be diagnosed with type 1, never type 2. In type 2, its the depressive episodes that cause a person the most distress, while in type 1 its the mania. Depressive episodes are typically more severe and last longer in this type, and the hypomanic episodes are typically mild and short-lived enough for a person to not even notice theres a problem there. Both hypomanic and depressive episodes are required for this diagnosis.

Now you know the two different common presentations of bipolar, but you need to understand exactly what a bipolar episode looks like. The WORST thing you can do is to misinterpret them simply as mood swings. In reality, its more like a merry-go-round where youll drop and stay down for awhile, or youll go up and stay up for awhile, or youll just relax in the middle without any ups/downs for a bit.

Manic Episodes: Manic episodes are only prevalent in type 1 bipolar. A common misconception is that you can experience mania without bipolar disorder, but that isnt true. Mania is the hallmark feature of BD, so it isnt associated or experienced with any other disorder. It isnt a symptom, its a defining feature. But what are the symptoms of a manic episode? Remember that mania is very severe, and causes significant impairment in someones life, often the person ends up hospitalized. The common symptoms are a lack of sleep (~0-2 hours), very high moods/euphoria, racing thoughts, talking very fast and often not making sense to others, and taking dangerous risks/being impulsive/irresponsible without any sense of judgement or forethought. Mania presents differently in a lot of people, but generally its like very very high energy coursing through your mind and body to the point you feel like youre zooming or gonna explode, jittery. You might laugh a bunch at nothing, act very erratic, irritable, say shocking or distasteful things cuz you cant slow down enough to even think about what youre saying. You might ruin relationships, scare people, quit your job/get fired, get into trouble with the law, drain your bank account. Psychosis is also something people may experience with mania, such as delusions (grandeur ones commonly) and hallucinations. You might feel like you're completely untouchable, overly confident, like youre the king of the world. Its like everything is moving in hyperspeed, your body, your thoughts, your mouth, and its pretty overwhelming. Very commonly, a person in a manic episode doesn't realize they're in a manic episode. They might question it, but they brush it off as "its fine, I feel good" or "this is just how I am" or "Im not manic Im just in a good mood"

Hypomanic Episodes: Hypomania is like mania in the sense that the person experiences high energy/moods. The main difference is that hypomania is mild, and not severe enough to require hospitalization or immediate psychiatric treatment. Type 1 may experience hypomanic episodes as well as manic episodes, but this is not required for that diagnosis. In type 2, hypomanic episodes are required. In a hypomanic episode, someone might suddenly be very happy and social, they may get very productive in life, optimistic, and a bit eccentric. Due to the high energy, you don't feel as if you need as much sleep to function (~3-4 hours), and you might begin to talk a lot, overshare, ramble, go on nonsensical tangents. You might get more irritable and antsy. Risky and irresponsible behaviour is common too, such as impulsive decisions without regard for consequence, carelessly spending money, high sex drive/unsafe sex, etc. Cuz hypomania isnt as extreme as typical mania, most people dont even realize when they are hypomanic, its very often brushed off by being in a good, productive mood, or that a person is simply extroverted, or energetic. Bipolar people tend to have unhealthy relationships with both manic and/or hypomanic episodes, almost glamorizing the high moods they experience, especially during depressive episodes.

Depressive Episodes: Depressive episodes are a period of extremely low energy/moods. They typically last longer than mania, ranging from weeks to months. Sometimes a short period of depressive symptoms occurs right after a manic episode called a "crash", but this doesn't necessarily mean its a depressive episode. Bipolar depression is typically regarded as a bit different from typical depression, due to the nature of the disorder. The common symptoms are hopelessness, oversleeping, fatigue/tiredness, slow thinking, lack of concentration, irritability, feeling worthless/bleak, and a loss of passion/interest in things. Its like the other side of the same spectrum as mania, with similar changes such as appetite, sleep patterns, energy levels, irritability, etc, just in different ways. Depressive episodes can cause someone to socially isolate, or experience suicidal thoughts. You might feel more emotionally sensitive, or like nothing will ever get better. Its like suddenly a filter of hopelessness, negativity, and sadness gets put over your brain and eyes, and the world loses its colour, and everything sucks so bad all you wanna do is lay in bed and rot. It feels physically heavy, like youre dragging weights. When manic you might feel very fast and light, when depressive you might feel very slow and heavy.

Mixed Episodes: A lesser known episode that may be experienced is a mixed episode. Any type can experience this type of episode, but it is not required or considered for any diagnosis. Its sort of like something that happens instead of something thats a hallmark feature of bipolar. In a mixed episode, someone will experience both symptoms of depression and mania at the same time, or in rapid succession/back and forth in short bursts. This is typically regarded as the most distressing and severe episode to have because of the combination of both episodes. You might feel like your thoughts are racing, or like youre going crazy, but at the same time youre so tired you cant get out of bed. You might feel very very energized, but have thoughts that youre hopeless and worthless. You might laugh, and then start crying, like youre being shot up into space and then thrown into the bottom of the ocean. You might feel very jittery, but a pain in your chest, or an exhaustion you cant shake. You might also experience a burst of joy, laughter, very high energy where youre talking super fast and speaking nonsense and acting erratically, and then immediately you start to feel very sad and slowed down, like everything hurts, and is meaningless. Mixed episodes are very painful to deal with, because youre being constantly thrown around, and you cant get a grip. Rates of suicide are higher during these periods. Not everyone with bipolar may experience mixed episodes, and it will present differently for everyone. It may last a couple days to even weeks.

So theres a rundown for the different episodes. To write a bipolar character, think about the type of bipolar they have/how it presents, and then think about how their episodes may impact them contextually. If a character is manic at a certain point in your story, what actions may they take, or thoughts, or interactions, that will show this? Can the people around them tell when theyre in an episode? What gives it away? What behaviour cues show their episodes? For me personally, my fiancee can always tell when Im in an episode, cuz of my eyes/behaviour. She says my eyes get more wide and sorta erratic looking when Im manic and I move around very quickly like Im restless, and when Im depressive, my eyes get more heavy/tired looking and I move very slowly and less expressive. Remember that someones episodes, especially mania, will have an impact on the people/world around them, not just internally, it causes issues externally as well. Someone might cause a lot of destruction or drama or get into fights when theyre manic and impulsive, they might do crazy or ambitious shit just to drop it, they might socially isolate and sleep all day when depressed, or not show up to work or school.

Another thing to consider is the persons cycle. This is how many episodes a person experiences in a year. If they have proper treatment, they may experience ~0-2 episodes a year, if not, they may experience ~1+ a year, typically in the 2-4 range. This means that someone who is treated with the proper medication may not experience any episodes at all, or they might experience milder, shorter lived episodes a couple times a year. Someone who isnt treated is very susceptible to experiencing more extreme and lengthy episodes, and more often in a year.

Rapid Cycling is when someone with bipolar experiences one episode after another. So they might be manic for a week or so, and then immediately experience a depressive episode right after for like a month, and then back to being manic. Typically, someone with bipolar will experience plenty of time in a year in between their episodes without any significant manic/depressive symptoms, like periods of stability.

Triggers for a bipolar episode are usually lack of sleep, stress, alcohol/drug use, and even changes of seasons or life events can trigger a high/low in someone. Everyone has their own unique triggers that is important to recognize when it comes to treatment and preventing episodes. Think about the triggers your character might have, and what they might be exposed to in your story that could cause this. Episodes may come on as a gradual up/down climb, or very suddenly.

Thats really all I got for information on bipolar. The biggest issue I see is just the way people write bipolar episodes as mood swings. It's not being happy and then suddenly really angry or sad, its not changing your mind really quick, or suddenly switching up. Its moreso long periods of high/low energy. Thats why I say "episodes" instead of "mood swings", cuz its not a mood swing at all, its very literally just random periods where you'll experience an episode of mania or depression. The classic "mood swings"/switching up thing is more closely related to borderline personality disorder which is VERY different from bipolar, despite them being mixed up so often.

This was very long but feel free to send in more asks if you need any specifics. I just tried to cover all bases cuz its good to know what youre working with before you work with it.

[worthless-misery]

After years of having this blog I felt like I should at least try an intro post, maybe...? So...

As it says on my bio, my name is Amber. I am a 23 year old black/latina transgender woman, and I currently live in Costa Rica (fucking hate it here). I speak Spanish too, and though I really don't like the language, I can interact in it too, if you'd prefer (in messages or asks and such ♥️)

I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Was also diagnosed with Asperger's as a child. I've been hospitalized twice for said disorders, and I've been medicating for at least 8 years now.

I made this blog soon after I was released from one of my hospitalizations in 2016. I had lost all my "friends" irl soon after getting out, and I saw this site as a safe place to express my feelings. This is a side blog, so I sadly cannot like or follow from it (or at least don't know how to), so I'm sorry I can't interact with you in that way. :'(

Last few things...

Racists, transphobes, homophobes, xenophobes, TERFs... All that gross shit, DNI.

I'll try to tag posts with more "explicit" talk about mental disorders with a #tw. However, please let me know if you find something without the tag that might need it.

I only have a Tumblr. No Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok... None of that. Yes I'm weird, sorry. 🥺

I suck at replying (like reaaaally suck at it, to be honest...) But that doesn't mean I never will. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk or vent, as I said on my bio. 💖

This is me irl if you wondered (ew):

And most importantly...

You are loved.

You are beautiful.

And you deserve to be happy. 💖

Please try to seek professional help if you are dealing with mental disorders.

[crush3dmary]

I wasn't going to post about this because it felt too vulnerable, but I think that might be what I need right now. 8 years ago today I attempted suicide and came the closest I've ever come to succeeding. These are my reflections on 8 years.

On September 27th, 2016, I took a month and a half of lithium and came the closest I’ve ever been to succeeding at killing myself. At the time, I saw it as just another failure to add to my ever-increasing list of them. Now, I don’t know what I think, but I’ve learned things since that have not brought me peace.

At the time, I had been suicidal for weeks, and I had a detailed plan for how I’d finally do it. I struggled through shift after shift at my shitty, dead-end retail job where I faked a smile, wondering if anyone could tell that beneath the exterior, all I wanted was to die. But we need to take it back further than that for anyone to really understand. This is the most vulnerable I will ever let myself be.

I am a psychiatric survivor, and I am also a victim of severe abuse, primarily sexual. I choose to think of myself as a victim rather than a survivor because since the age of 14 I’ve felt like a shell of a person in ways I don’t feel regarding my medical trauma. My internal scarring is so severe my ob/gyn says I will likely never have children, and I have damage to my parietal lobe from having multiple concussions in the same area of the brain. When I finally disclosed to a psychiatrist what I had been through, she told me it was one of the most severe cases of abuse she’d ever seen. That is all I will disclose of my experiences until my abuser has left this earth.

I have been diagnosed with everything you can think of at one point or another. My medical records practically recite the DSM-V. Right now, my diagnoses are bipolar-type schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I don’t care what label you want to put on it, because at the end of day, I am a product of my experiences.

I grew up as the oldest of three (now four, as I have a baby half-brother now). Growing up, I didn’t understand how my two younger sisters could handle their emotions, but I couldn’t. Every single thing I felt, felt like it would drown me. I experience all my emotions as physical sensations that I can feel throughout my entire body, and it manifests as literal chronic pain. My entire childhood, it was “stop crying”, “nobody else is upset about this”, “I don’t understand what the problem is”, but that’s the theory behind borderline, isn’t it? Borderline personality disorder is what happens when you take a sensitive child with big emotions and consistently invalidate them over and over again. As such, they never learn how to deal with their strong emotions and they turn inwards on themselves. That is exactly what happened to me.

My emotions cause me literal pain. It hurts every day. When my BPD gets triggered, it feels like my veins are on fire beneath my skin, like someone is trying to claw their way under my ribs, like there’s something inside of me that feels so horrible I just want to die. I am a lifetime self harmer, because it’s the only way I am able to bring myself down in those moments - to take the emotional pain inside of me and make it physical the only way I can. I’ve accepted by now that I will never stop.

The first time I had an intrusive thought about suicide, I remember being 11 years old. It has not stopped since. That’s where the suicide-type OCD comes in - I live every day with graphic intrusive thoughts about all the ways I should kill myself. This happens even on the best days of my life, it’s there, waiting to taunt me, to tell me that I should just die and here’s how I should do it. I have thought about suicide every single day for almost 20 years. The first time I made a plan was at 11, and my first attempt was at 14. I am chronically suicidal.

The first time I died was in 2016. That September, I was so overwhelmed with all the things that had happened to me and everything I’ve spent almost my entire life having to live with that I made a plan. I thought I would never get better. On September 26th, I went to the psychiatric emergency department at St Joseph’s in Hamilton and told them I had a plan to kill myself, and that if they sent me home, I would act on it. They did not take me seriously, because why would anyone trust another manipulative, hysterical borderline? Dr. Janet Alice Patterson, who I still partially blame, told me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, gave me a very strong dose of a sedative, and sent me home. 

When I got home, I took all the lithium I had and called 911 so that the paramedics would find my body instead of my family. I spent four days hooked up to machines, and as far as I’m aware my heart actually did stop briefly, but it’s not like I can remember most of those four days I spent in the ICU. What I do remember was waking up not knowing where I was, not even being sure if I was alive or if this was hell, because there’s no way I’d be going to the other place. Around me was a doctor and a gaggle of residents who weren’t much older than me, all looking at me like I was an animal. The doctor asked me a few questions to determine whether I was still at risk to myself, and then she turned around and talked to the residents about my medical history as if I wasn’t even in the room. I could hardly respond after having a tube down my throat. This was the lowest moment of my life, and I was a case study to them.

After that I did trauma therapy, three rounds of DBT, and CPT. I tried medication after medication, and I improved my situation. I went on to get a degree in social work and finished with a 90% average. My former diagnosis of PTSD was rescinded. I was considered “recovered”. Do you know what I learned from all of that?

I learned that no, actually, it doesn’t get better. I thought if I did all the right things my chronic emotional pain would go away, the daily (sometimes hourly, sometimes half-hourly) intrusive thoughts about killing myself would stop. I thought if I did what all the doctors told me, I’d “get better”. And I did. But I don’t like what “better” ended up looking like.

Sure, my situation improved. In fact, I pretty much have my dream life, in some ways. I have a fulfilling career and my dream job, I have a wife who loves me, I have a cat who sleeps at the foot of my bed, I have a fancy piece of paper I can put on my wall to show I graduated from college with distinction. I should be happy, but I’m not. It still hurts every day. My emotions still overwhelm me to the point of physical pain, and I still think about suicide multiple times a day. You just learn to live with it. 

And that’s the worst part. Expecting all of it to go away if you do what the doctors tell you to and you make all the right choices on your own, only to realize that when you’re royally fucked, this is just what life is going to be like. And you have to keep choosing life over and over again. You have to find reasons to keep going, even when it hurts so much you think the chronic emotional pain will kill you before you can do it with your own hands.

I’ve only ever met one person who’s understood what this is like. The only other person I’ve met who also had suicide-type OCD and BPD was my roommate when I was moved up to psychiatry in the hospital that day. Me and O fell in love very quickly, and we spent the next two years in a whirlwind of whatever you could even call our relationship until the day she killed herself. The only other person who knew what this was like - for your emotions to swallow you whole and be chronically suicidal every day of your goddamn life - and she killed herself because it hurt too much. From the day she died in 2018, I have never felt more alone.

I have been considered “in remission” since 2019. I’m one of the ones who “got better”. I don’t feel “better”, because it doesn’t get better. Your situation improves, sure, but you spend your whole life fighting that thing in your head that says you don’t deserve to be here anymore. And that’s what they don’t tell you. All the stories about recovery make it sound like it’s some hurdle you overcome. No, that hurdle never goes away. You keep fighting it until you can’t anymore.

I wish my reflection on eight years could be more positive than this, but here we are. It doesn’t get better. Sorry to be the one to say it.

[celestiallyslimy]

dear systems(?) of tumblr; (a genuine ask/vent)

i've been showing signs of dissociative identity disorder, and would like to know what people who do have the disorder see my experience as. disclaimer; i have not done much research on dissociative identity disorder, and i am tagging this with tags related to the content of the vent to reach an audience with actual knowledge on dissociative identity disorder, not because i think i have it. i hope that the way i tag doesnt offend people.

buffer for s/a(?), gaslighting, and ed mention also in case you dont wanna hear my sob story and want to know my actual ask, the actual ask is highlighted. the tldr is in red

so, when i was not even ten, my younger sisters would lick my boobs and try humping me and holding me down to slap my bare buttcheeks. my parents didn't help me at all, they said that they're too young to know it was sexual and i should set my own boundaries. i've had dreams about it but im unsure whether i should actually label it as s/a since my sisters are younger than me and less mature. i've also been told small things like "this song is called (example)" only to be told "i've never heard of that song, no it's called (example 2)" since i was 5. this has led to me questioning my identity, and not in the "im not cishet" way, and more of the "how old am i? am i even fourteen? was i even born as (deadname)?" way where i dont know my surroundings. until i was 6-7, i would assume everything i believed was a dream and end every sentence with "but yeah it was probably just a dream and not real". and then, there's my sisters body shaming me AT EIGHT until i started showing signs of bulimia and anorexia (although, my experiences have only aligned with certain systems and i have never seen a therapist, im NOT saying im diagnosed). they would make fun of my for my boobs, stomach, arms, etc.

i've been having multiple "personalities"? not really identities. i mean, the ones i make a distinction with (such as my blogs; i have three blogs right now) use different names and pronouns. but there are other ones with different habits and typing quirks. they never really manifest irl (other than my names, but all the ppl irl know (not my family) is that i go by salem, millie, and eris). sometimes, i dont want to speak at all, sometimes i talk way too much, other times, "i talk liek thizz :333 X333". my main blog, starrinymph, (even tho i dont use it much) goes by ambrose; but i go by ambrose a lot online. this blog (celestiallyslimy) goes by orion, daughterofnoridoorman, for fictionkin content, goes by sage, uzi, and v. it feels weird to put my names/pronouns that i use on one blog on another but i've been doing it anyways because i want to be consistent. but, even when im using a different personality than my basic one, i dont have gaps in my memory. i can switch between these identities voluntarily, but once it happens subconsiously (i dont know a better word), it doesnt really go away. and if i purposefully try and suppress it, then, i start getting anxious, and get the need to pick at my skin and hair. its also sometimes like i can hear different "people" in my head. if it helps, i've also shown signs of other disorders from many quizzes (i would get a professional diagnosis if i could), such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, adhd, and more.

tldr; i've had experiences at the age where i was supposed to develop that many would consider to be "traumatic". i am wondering if me having multiple personalities (which i can choose to act as, but can not actively switch out of if it happens on its own, and usually only has changes in typing/ minor changes in personality) may be a sign of dissociative identity disorder.

[dianaladrislovebot]

gone headcanons that have popped into my unhinged little brain, part 4

tw for some mental health talk at the end of which there will be a visible warning

caine has a 12 step skincare routine. also wears eyeliner. argue w the wall.

diana also practiced makeup on the boys before the fayz. drake “hated it” but continued to allow her so 😐

and on sam at lake tramonto bc i want more of them and their friendship

sam knows a lot about first aid, and in turn so does quinn. connie refused to let her son not know first aid.

quinn has a really dysfunctional family; his parents are always fighting (whether between themselves or with quinn) and he hates being at home, and spends so much time at sam’s place that he just starts calling connie mom at some point and she treats him like her second son (cough 🤨)

taylor used to write gossip on the coates bathroom stalls

i imagine lana (and most of the time diana actually) w a really monotone like voice. very much contrasted to taylor, who sounds like a borderline valley girl, and astrid, who is constantly told to speak up. brianna however, is constantly told to shut up because she’s too loud. most of the other girls just have like, regular teenage girl voices i guess

(mental health talk starts here if you wanna scroll away)

mary used to self harm, she just hid it a lot better than her eating disorder. she switched places at the start of the fayz too so the kids didn’t find it because she didn’t want to have to explain, but she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to stop either

sam has bpd. no notes he simply does. (thank you @ salt_bags_ on ig for opening my eyes). also diagnosed w depression LONG before the fayz why they thought to nominate the depressed kid as leader is beyond me what’d they think was gonna happen lol

sometimes i honestly wonder if drake has either bpd or bipolar too bc man can he switch FAST

quinn also has anxiety. he doesn’t talk about it a lot bc back in 2009 obviously mental health wasn’t as spoken about as it is now but it really debilitated him from doing a lot of stuff. he learnt how to live w it in the fayz.

obviously most of the fayz survivors ended up w ptsd after the fayz but a lot of them also had different forms of anxiety, depression and paranoia.

that’s all for now folks i’ll see you all again in six months when i have my next thought

[angelofthemornings]

You know, a lot of evidence points to this being a glutamate thing. For instance, on days when I can't do anything the human voice feels like nails on a chalkboard to me (sorry if anyone reading this is human) and worsening sensory issues is linked with glutamate issues. I wonder why the hell it seems to be *cyclical* though. I can't find any correlations between my behaviors (like getting less or more sleep) and my bad periods. Interesting that before I got on my seizure medications (which inhibit glutamate) I didn't have good periods at all, I was just a worthless lump except for during a really solid manic episode. (What contributes to manic episodes? Glutamate dysregulation.) I might merely be taking my meds at inconsistent intervals or something - maybe if I go fifteen hours before my second dose instead of twelve for even one day it screws everything up for a bit - and I really should be tracking more of my behaviors.

...Or hypomanic episodes, whatever. My last therapist got annoyed and corrected me if I said manic instead of hypomanic, I think she thought I was being dramatic. (I *have* had manic episodes, which is why I have type one bipolar, but very few of them.) They almost never distinguish between mania and hypomania in literature on the disorder, just in clinical practice, so I'm not really used to it. Always seemed kind of useless terminology to me, too. "Episode where you're fucked up but not as fucked up as other people can get" is sort of a weird thing to say. Treatment is similar to identical and it's not like we're not all suffering. Does it accomplish anything other than giving people with type two imposter syndrome? I always felt bad for type twos. (Also, there's historically been an argument over whether I have type one or type two - I was initially diagnosed with bipolar one, but during my last manic episode, I was in Alaska and basically acting like a mumbling homeless guy and wracked with psychosis and even my vision was fucked, I had this bizarre tunnel vision, but I was like, doing work with ease. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. Was I doing it well? No, I was borderline incoherent, but at least I was showing up. And because I had okay occupational functioning some subsequent practitioners have been like, "eh sounds more like hypomania then." Others agree with type one. It's confusing and subjective.) (Although, as the actual guy having the episodes, believe me, I can feel the difference between hypomania and mania, should such a thing meaningfully exist, or I can just say that some episodes are merely troubling and some episodes I've gone completely bugfuck and it exists on a continuum.)

At least my whole care team has gotten on board with the idea that I'm not secretly having depressive episodes (or trauma I haven't noticed, or anxiety I haven't noticed) and they're taking me off the antidepressant carousel. I'm grouchy due to Slav nature but I generally feel upbeat and happy, the *only* depressive symptom I have during bad spells is the inability to do shit. (And maybe like, insomnia, but I have insomnia during good episodes too.) I hope to hell my new therapist ("please fill out the intake forms as soon as you can, we're getting a lot of referrals due to the elections") doesn't insist on it; if she or he does, I have about half a dozen papers to show them about functional decline even after successful mood control in bipolar patients (if that doesn't convince them I'll be very mad).

[your-local-grinning-cat]

Che’nya I just found out I may or may not have BPD. Give me advice on what to do with this information

*Che’nya appears next to you and gives you a gentle hug, wrapping his tail around you as well; AR comes out of the Tulgey Woods and sits nexts to the two of you as well, offering their support and is willing to give you a hug if you’re wanting one from them too*

Che’nya: I know the ask was technically for me, but I just don’t feel comfortable answering such a heavy ask with my usual light-hearted Che’nya answers. Which means it’s really more AR’s place than mine. Hope you don’t mind - we both care about you too, so I think it works out. 💜

AR: I will give the usual disclaimer that I am not a therapist, though I’m sure you’re know that and did not come here for that. But I wanted to get that out of the way first so we can just move right along. I will also put the rest under the cut, as this isn’t the usual Cheshire Cat content. 😊

Okay, this is long because not only is mental illness a topic I care about lot about… I also genuinely care about you. You’re one of the people I talk to on here and so I consider you one of my friends. And when it comes to the things/people I care about… I tend to talk. Even more than usual. You have been warned.

Altair, I’ll be honest, BPD is hard - though I’m sure you’re the last person I need to tell that to. I don’t have it myself, but I’ve known people who have it and I know they struggle. So hearing that you have it, or even that you may have, which means you show enough characteristics of it that the diagnosis is on the table… my heart goes out to you. I may not have BPD, but I do know what it’s like to live with mental illnesses.

My advice… I suppose the best advice I can give is to try not to look at this as a bad thing but as a good one. I know that may seem really hard, but hear me out. Now that you’re aware of your BPD, you can hopefully get help for it, or more specialized treatment for it if you were already receiving help.

I know finally being put on the right meds for your needs after years of being misdiagnosed or getting the right therapist/psychiatrist that you just “click” with can work wonders.

Just recently one of my favorite comic artists, “Art by Moga” was finally diagnosed as bipolar after years of being misdiagnosed and going unmedicated. And it has, according to her, legitimately changed her life for the better.

And I know learning I had Dyscalculia on top of all my other problems really helped me figure out why the way I am about certain things and not feel so self conscious about my difficulties with numbers and math.

Those are obviously not BPD, but I’m hoping the stories may end up being the same for you - hopefully being diagnosed will be a stepping stone to you finally finding a better, happier way of living your life!

But I know either way it’s tough to deal with that kind of diagnosis, so I would say try to be around people you care about and that care about you. Be with your support system. Get all the love and care. You deserve it. Do the things that make you happy. Get some TLC. You fucking deserve it. I give you permission to treat yourself.

But above all else, remember that having borderline personality disorder does NOT mean you are broken or unlovable or anything else. I’m not going to say that cliché line of “you’re perfect just the way you are” because even I don’t believe that about myself. You asked for advice and I’m not going to give you advice I can’t follow on my own. I’m not that kind of hypocrite. I always think there’s room to grow and improve and change. No one is perfect. And thank fuck for that because otherwise people would point at them and tell us all to reach for them as the standard.

So you’re not perfect. Neither am I. And the you before finding out you have/may have BPD is the same as the you now…

You are still the person who would send Che’nya random rizz pickup lines that oftenalways ended in hilarious ways that you didn’t intend that made me, and I hope you, smile.

You are still the person who made that sick-ass Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Martian Mickey twst OC and shared it with me and you’re excitement was so fun and contagious.

You are the person who told me about your other twst OC, Pawn, and his sentient mandolin, Mandy, and didn’t even call me rude when I sent you a block text of questions about Pawn’s relationship with Rook.

You are still the person who Che’nya sang an entire fucking Melanie Martinez musical number to, simply because it was you and you’re fun to have fun with.

You are still one of the very few people that interacts with this blog regularly in private messages rather than strictly via asks or posts - because we talk ooc so often, which means you are not just friends with Che’nya, you’re friends with me, AR.

You are still you.

And you is the person I am friends with.

And I think you is pretty damn great.

Che’nya: I agree.

💜💜💜

[bjfinn]

If you’re still up for it, Beetlejuice or Dewey (or both) for the character ask game? :D

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

23. Favorite picture of this character?

I'm always up for answering questions about my two favourite boys! So here we go ...

A headcanon I have for this character?

1. Beetlejuice: Lol -- that's a tough one to choose! I've written so many of them into my stories -- with more to come.

Beej has SOOO many issues, and it's no wonder. It's canon that his mother was verbally abusive -- we saw that during the wedding scene. It's likely that she was physically abusive, as well, though -- at least, that's what I think. If he were human, I'd say that he has ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, childhood trauma -- he's a walking, talking example of just about everything in the DSM. But since he isn't, there's no way to tell what is neurodivergence and what is just regular demon behaviour.

I feel that he doesn't like the Netherworld AT ALL -- not just because it's such a drab, dreary and dismal place, but also because he doesn't really have any good memories associated with it. As a half-ghost half-demon, he would have been hated and shunned by everyone. Ghosts would have been afraid of his demon side, and the demons would have considered him a dirty half-breed and bullied him horribly at every opportunity -- killing his pet sandworm, even sexually abusing him. And, because his own mother hated him, he probably felt that he deserved everything they did to him. He probably still feels that way.

2. Dewey Finn: First, I have no doubt that Dewey has ADHD -- and it's uncontrolled. He was probably diagnosed as a kid, but the doctors couldn't seem to get the dosage right for his medication, so once he was old enough he said "Fuck it" and went off meds completely.

I believe he's basically a good person, but doesn't always (or ever?) think through the consequences of his actions -- another ADHD trait. This has gotten him into trouble all his life -- at home, at school, with his band ... Nonetheless, his heart's in the right place, even if he thinks with his ass sometimes lol

I also believe that neither of them really knows how to fight -- Beej always relied on magic to defeat his enemies, while Dewey depended on his quick wits and his mouth to avoid physical conflict. So when they get into it with each other in my stories, it's meant to be more of a slapstick comedy thing than a Frasier vs Ali "Rumble in the Jungle".

Now, you might be wondering why Beej doesn't ever use his magic to win against Dewey -- he could easily defeat him without hurting him, after all. I think, once Beej becomes friends with someone, he puts a geis on himself prohibiting him from doing so. It's an Irish word (pronounced "gesh") that refers to a sacred obligation or prohibition, and was a feature of pre-Christian Irish culture. Sometimes a geis would last only until it had been fulfilled once, but sometimes it was for life. And you can't remove it yourself -- a geis can only be removed by the person who had laid it on you. But since he placed the geis on himself, he can't remove it.

What's my favourite thing to do when writing for this character?

No matter what I'm writing, I like -- no, need -- to voice-act the dialogue. Not just doing their voices, though -- I actually adopt their mannerisms, as well. (It's subconscious -- I just do it automatically.) So for Beej, that means the vocal fry, the raptor movements, the lip- biting, all of it. And for Dewey, it's his smoother voice (which is a bit higher than mine -- he's a tenor, while I'm a baritone), as well as his stutter when he gets excited or flustered, his rapid head shaking when he hears something that doesn't track at first (like in the song "Stick It to the Man", when Billy says he can't tell if his mom is happy after she's had Botox lol), his manic ADHD energy -- the whole bit. (I really should have become an actor lol.)

I do this for the other characters, too -- it's the best way to make sure that the dialogue doesn't sound stilted. Mind you, my cousin (who lives with me) probably thinks I need to be institutionalised -- and he might very well be right! 😜🤣

I also like listening to music as I write -- but it has to be the right music for the character. That's why I started making the playlists.

Favourite picture of this character?

This last question I'll have to answer in a separate post -- for some reason not all my photos show up in my gallery on Tumblr (maybe it's because I'm on a tablet idk). And it's really difficult to choose! I love just about all of the pics I've seen, but ... I'll pick out one for each of them and post them.

Thanks for asking -- I really enjoyed it! 😁

[bpdstevenuniverse]

when ppl demonize mental disorders, especially bipolar disorder and personality disorders, i wonder what they would think of me.

when they call all bipolar ppl abusive bc some abusers are diagnosed with it, i wonder what they would think if i told them i have the disorder, and i once had a manic episode to the point of having delusions and hallucinations.

when they call someone a psychopath or a sociopath, or a narcissist, i wonder how they would react if they learned i have borderline personality disorder, which is on the same spectrum as these other groups. i wonder how they would react if they learned i have regular suicidal and impulsive thoughts, how obsessed i can become with someone, how intense my feelings and my anger can be, as well as my violent thoughts - which are not always intrusive thoughts, mind you. i genuinely daydream about violent fights or me severely hurting myself.

i wonder how they would react if they knew i take mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to treat all those things. (and not so fun fact, one friend of mine mocked me for taking antipsychotics, and called me a "psycho" for it)

those ppl might probably say, "wow but you don't act like them" maybe because i'm "too nice". it's like how ppl say "but you don't look autistic, you look like a normal person". and sure, no one is the same, some manifest their symptoms differently.

but i'm still part of the same groups you're demonizing. and your words, your jokes, your hateful statements... they affect me, too.

[wonderingfree-blogging]

I have been very much absent from social media lately, because my life has been pretty fucking chaotic lately, to say the least. This bad ass witch bitch had to throw up her flag and start fresh. I will forever and always be a die hard mental health advocate, and here is why:

1. We cannot thrive and be successful if our lives and minds are muddled with the chaos and noise of the world and other people, or even ourselves for that matter. Yes, sometimes the chaos comes from within, and that is okay, there is a solution to that too. (My chaos comes from within and outside of myself, so I find solutions that are internal and external)

2. We cannot help other people if we ourselves are not well enough to do so. I have to come first before you can share in my mental space, otherwise I just make you sick too. That being said, you can still be of service in small ways when you are struggling mentally, but your main focus should be yourself. ALSO, some healing can come in the form of helping others, so incorporate other healthy people into your recovery, who can help you differentiate what is helpful in your current healing process.

3. I have seen so many people become lost to their mental illness or mental struggles due to lack of support or lack of knowledge of their own diagnosis or avenues of recovery/healing. Not on my watch. I want to be a part of the solution.

4. There are a lot of wonderful healing modalities available to people but they are not always easily available to EVERYONE and a lot of organizations these days that claim to be all about healing are actually all about money. Again, I want to be a part of the solution.

5. I myself struggle mentally. I am diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder as well as borderline personality disorder. I want to share my experience, strength and hope with those who are seeking healing, and I want to hear your story too!

I would love to start a conversation about healing. How do you keep up with your mental wellness? What are some strategies, techniques and modalities that you have incorporated into your recovery and healing journey?

[mental-mario]

My WONDERFUL Diagnoses

Hey friends! I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience in the mental hospital. Next time I will have to get myself thrown into solitary so I can recount what that's like as well! I went for a follow-up with psych the other day, and he threw a couple more diagnoses in my hat. I thought it would be fun, if you humor me for a moment, for me to list my ongoing disorders in alphabetical order!

Feel free to sing along and list yours in the comments!

Antisocial Personality Disorder (except for you fine folks!)

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Binge Eating Disorder

Bipolar II ("can't rule out")

Borderline Personality Disorder

Cannabis Use Disorder (not a disorder!)

Major Depressive Disorder

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Substance Abuse Disorder

So looks like we're up to 10 and counting! I'm sorry if there's any of you I'm forgetting. I'll be sure to give you a shout out as well!

Now, onto my uber mega important review of SMB Wonder! It's late, but that is because it's far more prestigious than any of these so-called "professional" outfits!

I'm reminded of the phrase "an elephant never forgets," and Elephant Mario (or character of your choice) does indeed make for an unforgettable experience! Yes, this is another positive review, and if you happen to think the game sucks, you're wrong.

I don't think I have heard or seen a negative comment about this game, aside of some complaints about the frequency of the talking flower, but Nintendo did give the option to shut the voice off. For me, it isn't a big deal, and I actually enjoy it for the most part.

It really can't be said enough just how beautiful and vibrant this game is. The art is gorgeous, and the animation blows me away! I particularly love the different animations for entering/exiting the warp pipes, and I also love the attention to small details, such as the use of both hands alternating when throwing fireballs. The various facial expressions throughout the game also really help bring it to life.

If I had to provide any critiques, it would really be nitpicking. I guess maybe if Prince Florian could remind us about 100 more times that we can change badges by pressing R, maybe then I would remember...seriously though, I wouldn't mind having up to 6 players for co-op, some of the Wonder scenes are a bit repetitive, showing practically the same theme of effects in different courses. I might've liked more variety of power-ups, but again, nitpicking. I would also love to change the entire button mapping to suit playing with other controllers, but that's a complaint I have with many Switch games. I mean, why sell the retro controllers and make it so I can't use them?!

I love that the game moves so fluidly, even in multiplayer. I like that the game doesn't hiccup when a player dies, gets hit, or gets a power-up. I love that the game has accessibly easy courses for my kids to play along, but also some legit challenging 4 and 5 star courses for more experienced old grizzled vets like myself (not to mention the secret exits and courses). I also like the star rating system for each course's difficulty. It is also rather funny, and my family and I were hysterical plenty of times throughout the campaign. I think the piranha plant parade deserves its own spin-off!

Finally, I absolutely love the online mode. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it, but it really works. It can be toggled on/off with a quick pause of the game, and I think having shadows of other players only added to my experience. I would've liked to see some more emojis to communicate a bit more with others, but I am happy to see that I didn't experience any latency or slow-down with the online play. The heart point system for reviving players, sharing a saved power-up, and reaching the goal concurrently also makes for some nice feels, especially when playing solo late at night and feeling lonely while smashing a full family sized box of Pop Tarts. I regret nothing! I recall having one spot in particular where I was stumped and threw the question mark above my head, and someone else immediately ran over and mimed what I should do. It worked, and that was an awesome feeling! That and having someone else share a power-up with me made me feel like somebody cares and that I'm not alone, and I've actually been able to friend a lot of the players I've encountered!

In conclusion, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face while playing, especially in that first hour that I was playing it for the first time when it dropped at midnight, and putting that smile on faces is exactly what SMB is about. I've heard a lot of comparisons to Mario World. I don't know if I would go that far, but I do recommend playing the game with the SNES controller if you have it. That controller is still the best of all time, but that's for another post!

Please tip your blogger. My psychiatrist is worried about me, and I could use the help! Besides, I have to buy the family a new box of Pop Tarts! And be sure to friend me on Switch so we can play some online races and campaign together as well! I'd love to get a whole party going online. Then I can feel like I've got real friends while also being able to cater to my introverted ways and bounce if I need to! I'll try not to do that to you, though! It would be nice to play with each other for once, instead of the usual playing with myself...

Friend code is: SW - 4419 - 5159 - 3401

[queendopamine]

Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

[evilkitten3]

ok so first this is an absolutely epic takedown of everything the first person said, but also i can draw a direct line to my mom, my brother, or myself in damn near everything she said

i'll start by saying that of the three of us, i'm probably the most notable outlier bc i lived the first 19 years of my life as a girl prior to coming out and i was diagnosed sometime around 4th-6th grade iirc, and not only that but my mom was alerted that i was having some kind of social issues as early as pre-school, so as far as (people who were born as) girls go, i would say i'm a bit of an outlier

(side note - to anyone who for whatever reason has been keeping strict track of the things i've said concerning my family who's suddenly wondering why i'm now lumping my mom in with my brother and i as autistic when i've almost certainly explicitly said otherwise, the reason is that she finally admitted it earlier this week. proud of you, mom! admittedly she didn't remember she'd denied it in the past bc we're all also adhders but that's a separate thing)

anyway! my brother is a textbook case of getting adhd diagnosed significantly prior to the autism diagnosis, and while my mom hasn't been diagnosed with either one (and probably won't be bc she doesn't see the need and doesn't need the validation and also it's not nearly as subtle as i think she might have thought it was bc mom that level of incredibly specific history knowledge and need to share it is not "a casual interest"), she's more or less in the same boat (if you replace "diagnosed" with "noticed")

i'm tired and also way more bored of typing this than i was when i started (oops) so i'll skip whatever else i was thinking about that i totally didn't just completely forget about haha nope not me and say that i also as part of my current job have been and will for a bit continue to interact with a lot of autistic and similar people, and many of the people i've met who have more support needs simply would not use almost any social media app i've seen, either due to lack of ability, lack of interest, or bc the apps are innocently inaccessible at best and incredibly hostile to diverse needs at worst

(also - and this is not something i'm qualified in any way to dive into but it is something i have heard about and believe is worth mentioning in the hopes that someone who is more qualified might choose to step in - concerning racial biases in diagnoses, black and latino children (particularly black boys and latino girls, i think? not sure about that at all) are very frequently diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder or odd instead of other more fitting diagnoses such as adhd, autism, bipolar disorder, etc. since - as this whole borderline essay has likely already made apparent through the privileges i've displayed both consciously and likely also not - i am white, this isn't something i've been directly affected by nor something i paid much attention to until relatively recently. but i do think it's worth acknowledging and keeping in mind when discussing diagnostic biases)

an eloquent take down of the "people are self diagnosing autism to be trendy and for attention" take that morons have been echoing on tiktok

[justimagineit26]

Selfish

I read something today saying "Maybe you've been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved." I relate so heavily to this because I consistently am told and reminded that the things I have overcome have inspired others or given others hope. And while I am so happy for them and glad to know that some good has come from the really ugly... I'm so fucking over it. I'm tired of going through things. I'm tired of the tripping, the hurting, the pain, the betrayal, the lies, the deceit. Whether it be from myself, my mental illness, friends, family, partners, bosses etc. I'm over it. I don't want to be that hope for people anymore. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to hear how "proud of me" people are or how much I inspire them. I have accomplished so much but I have also accomplished very little. The mountains I have overcome are only mountains because of who I am. Those mountains are mere HILLS for most people. I will be 35 years old this year and I don't have much to show for that. I'm alive. I have simply succeeded in not killing myself. That's dark. That's an incredibly fucked up thing to say. But I have spent over half of my life believing that my death will likely be at my own hands. Whether intentionally or accidentally during a mental health crisis.

By the time I was 30 years old, I had been (mis)diagnosed with bipolar 3 or "unspecified bipolar disorder". Along with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, substance abuse disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder. All of these things share some traits in some form or another. So do I truly have all of these? Not really sure. But did being told I had all of these things severely impact me in a negative way? You bet. There is nothing like begging for answers and then being pissed and miserable when they're given to you. So at age 30, I set myself up with a 5 year plan. Get my shit together, get in to a career, have a long term partner, do something that makes me feel truly successful. And if I failed at that, if I failed at just doing SOMETHING I can truly be proud of... Then I would end my existence. I know how insane that sounds, how disturbing and sick and twisted that is. How fucking selfish and dramatic that is. But that was kind of the point. Surely, in five years I could figure something out. Surely I could manage to DO SOMETHING or BE SOMETHING. But what I managed to do was to continue doing and being exactly who I always was... A failure. There are a lot of people who would argue this point with me. Who would tell me that I have achieved amazing things and am a wonderful person. I know my sobriety would be most everyone's biggest argument with me. But I fucking hate that being and staying SOBER is what people admire me for. Getting sober wasn't hard for me. I didn't have an addiction to alcohol, I just abused alcohol and used it as my excuse for excusing my shitty behavior or acting on my extreme emotions. People don't understand big feelings or big mistakes because you have a mental health issue like BPD. But they'll excuse it all day long if you blame it on alcohol. So when the person that I admired and loved most had the balls to call me out on it and tell me that I was a shitty person when I drank and that he did not want me in his life... That was all I needed to hear. And I stopped. Cold turkey (no pun considering it was the day after thanksgiving in 2021). No meetings. No withdrawal (again... NOT an addict.) Quitting was easy for the most part. There were some difficult life adjustments and I lost friends over time because of it. But that man eventually came back in to my life. And you know what happened? In the end he still left, he still thought I was a shitty person, he still saw me as unworthy. I was still not a good enough human being to exist in his world. And unfortunately, my brain lacks the ability to see it any other way. People have tried to reason with me on that. But the fact remains exactly what it is. He left. He has made me dead to him in his world. He has made it clear that his world is better without me in it. Okay... so love is out of the picture, but I can still be successful in other areas of my life... Not thus far. I don't have a career.... or even a fucking job right now. I have spent several months on disability because my mental health has been so bad that I can't even function like an adult. I have been telling myself for so long now that I will just fake it until I make it because surely you can only fall so far before you at least stop. Well... I guess I did stop. But I've just kind of stayed there. I smile, I laugh, I joke. But inside, my head and heart are screaming. I'm a delusional wreck of a human. Delusional. Believing that he will come back for me. That he will regret leaving me and how he hurt me. That he will realize that I was faithful to him and loved him with every ounce of my being. I've been living in this world believing I am the only one but then reality slaps me in the face and shows me that there are hundreds of thousands of people that hang on to that "one person" for years... Only to never have them back. Only to watch them move on, get married and live happily ever after. God knows I've tried to get better. But here I am. Almost 35. Alone. With not much to show for anything.

[windblownazureskies]

It seems like you’ve stopped writing

Right now, I haven’t the heart. My heart lays in a hospital bed, and while hope is there. I need a miracle. My kid had encephalitis, diagnosed with bipolar 1 with Catatonia. My mind, has been focused in prayer and grief. I pray for a miraculous hope. Also, my dad died this year, and my brother didn’t tell me when he was about to die, and was playing games. Why, well, to get money from selling my parents assets with my mom’s dementia. While, I admit, money could help, he convinced her to disown me. Things fell apart, I couldn’t make the funeral, because my brother said he would fly me there, and last minute he decided to say he couldn’t, and I’d have to find my way there. I was having migraine issues, among other things I couldn’t abandon my kid that fell ill. The awful things he said, and the disowning, things that are less than forgivable. I forgive him, but I won’t be his victim. I’ve seen who my brother truly is, and I wonder how he became such ways. He is eight years older, and pretty much stayed out of my life. I tried so many times to visit on holidays. I should have seen through it. Doesn’t matter. Anyways, I would gladly write poetry and even hymns if God favored me with a miracle. Life isn’t so easy, I’m not complaining, but I want my child to be made whole, that is body, spirit, and mind. Also, it hurt my brother denied my dads wishes to be buried and cremated him. Sometimes I miss calling my mom to talk and for solace. I miss the advice. She changed when my dad died. I think she may have been either a borderline or a covert narcissist. Explains childhood, and I just feel this in my soul right now, but I am not without hope. I don’t know if you believe in God, but please say a prayer for me. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can carry, but I’ve been carrying a platter for a bit o’ time. Despite this, Im not ungrateful for the load. There are people that have no worries, yet they are empty inside. A miracle, and I shall write. I have thought about it. I was going to restart the miniseries on amazon I barely even started before this all happened, but the character picture isn’t right for it. If it could make a living, then it would be nice. Im far from the likes of the greats, but it’s always been a nice thought. I also wanted to sing, but my voice has taken a hit lately, and I’m unsure why. Anyways, as the universe crumbles around us, a miracle would be nice. Not for me, but for my child. That is what matters. Im afraid I’ve also been much to myself too much lately, no real social butterfly, even though I can hold a conversation, and I’m not much a “looker.” Looks fade with time, and the gray hair abounds. I know I am burdened in thought when I share so much. I miss my dad, and when he died, so did my family of origin. He had no siblings, and his parents are deceased. I lost all contact with my mom’s side as I had no numbers to warn them or ask for help for what my brother orchestrated. Perhaps these are the last of days, however, it is unknown. Anyways, I took it upon myself to forgive those in my past, and my own doings. I pray for whoever you are, and that whatever prayer you made need answered is indeed answered. I hope I have not overburdened you in my reply. Be well and take care.

[breaking-binary-system]

This is something people need to realize more.

In order to get diagnosed, a lot of the time they need to at the very minimum highly suspect they have a disorder if not self diagnose. I have PTSD and PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder). I had to highly suspect I had PTSD to be diagnosed and explain the paranoia I dealt with on a daily basis to get PPD diagnosed.

It's one thing to say delulu if you hallucinate, that's understandable because sometimes we shorten things we're diagnosed with or is a symptom simply because it makes it less scary. But you sure as hell won't see me go "I'm so delulu that boy doesn't like me but I swear he does!" thats called a crush and before a single person comments that doesn't happen, you haven't spent anytime with people who say delulu for fun.

I can't say how many times I've turned on the news and there's a case about someone dying and the first response is "I wonder what psychopath did that". A, psychopathy and sociopathy are no longer diagnoses, it's called Antisocial Personality Disorder and just because someone has ASPD doesn't make them evil, a lot are extremely kind

I had a really good friend who was schizophrenic, they would defend ANYONE who hallucinated and wouldn't hesitate to verbally tear someone to shreds over making fun of their disorder. Hallucinations isn't something you want or find fun, it's terrifying

One thing to joke acoustic and restarting (the last one is kinda iffy) if your autistic. Sometimes it can give them a reason to try and laugh on days the disorder can make them feel like hell.

Intrusive thoughts aren't "oh let me go dye my hair" or "oh well chop chop there goes my bangs!" I can't personally speak on it but have been told it's horrifying what the brain can bring out and can make them feel like horrible people

OCD isn't wanting things just neat. OCD (example here) is not being able to enter a room until you've turned that door knob exactly 7 times. OCD is being unable to leave a bathroom without washing your hands 2 times. OCD isn't just neatness

BPD/ASPD/Bipolar Disorder are all three (along with NPD) the most commonly "abused" disorders. You hear someone was neglected? Oops their parents must've been narcissists. Someone doesn't have the same reaction to something as someone else? They must have ASPD otherwise they would've reacted. Someone's emotions flipped like a dime on you? They must be bipolar or borderline! Those four are the ones everyone says are automatically abusive. Narc abuse isn't a thing. Borderline abuse isn't a thing. Bipolar abuse isn't a thing. ASPD abuse isn't a thing. If someone's abusive it's not because of their disorder, it's because their abusive.

I have paranoia and occasional hallucinations. If someone says "I'm in your walls" I have to go leave the house after taking anxiety medicine because I'm petrified that what if they ARE? Unreality isn't a hard thing to tag, you go and click Add tags and then type it in

Are some narcissists abusive? Sure, just as some people with literally ANY disorder can be abusive. But just because someone thinks their better doesn't make them a narcissist. Might make them an asshole but not narcissistic. NPD has been found in some cases to be linked to childhood trauma. Hell even if it's not a trauma response it's called don't shame people for what they can't control

I have several disorders, mentally and physically. Do I have some mental disorders I highly suspect or have self-diagnosed so that, oh yeah, I feel comfortable bringing it up to a professional? Yes. Because you can fit every symptom (or even just a majority! Just having one symptom doesn't make the disorder) and not be able to see a professional.

If you want me to stop supporting self diagnose (after researching it and thinking on it critically for some time) then stop using disorders as the cool quirky trend. Your not bipolar just because you were mad then happy.

Well aware I'll face backlash from this. If I somehow misrepresented a disorder and you have it, please correct me because I'm not a professional, I am going off of personal experiences and from people I know and love and have these disorders. Or things you find within, oh yeah, spending 5 seconds talking to someone with it

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with narcissism.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are