#+ my autistic ass had this shitty idea

[ameliestarry2]

Out of Amevil ig

Uh... Guys? I have a question tbh?

Should I create an Amevil fanclub/community? Bc yes I'm AN AMEVIL CEO OK? AND I'M TRULY OBSESSED BY THIS SHIP ASF

[thedeskofaltoclef]

How I became The Desk of Alto Clef.

My response to a SCP Group designed around Hate and Bigotry who have targeted me and others in this community.

Nah, man, my daughter is dead.

It has been brought to my attention that there is a group of people on the internet who are fascinated with my fascination of Alto Clef and Meri. Hurtful and yet cute in a way so I think now I'll choose this time and these screen grabs from their discord to explain how I came to be 'The Desk of Alto Clef'.

My Daughter died six years ago and it sent me spiraling deep into the bottom of whatever bottle I could find.

I was completely prepared to take my own life and even had the things to 'finish the job' because my life had no meaning at that point. What was another statistic going to matter anyways, right?

It was in one of these dark, drunk moments with a gun when I fell across the Volgun's video on 'reality benders and you' and fell into a rabbit hole.

Drunkenly I fumbled around the wiki and learned more about this broken man known as Alto Clef.

A man whom I could relate to in my own way. A man who, no matter what he did, could never see his daughter as I will never be able to see mine. So thus, I became a very, very shitty cosplayer.

I like to believe that over the past four years my acting ability has increased to a sustainable level and as much as I joke about things I do try to stay humble about it. Though I like to think I've become better but I digress.

I love the lore of Clef and Meri, on or offsite, to the point that I am weird about it I know, but that's how I stay connected to my daughter. Writing the Deskverse is how I stay connected to my daughter.

I am also autistic which causes me to hyper fixate on Clef as a coping mechanism.

Because of this group of people I have greatly considered leaving the community and going back to my own personal solitude. Acting, Voice Acting, Cosplaying as Clef gave and still gives me something to live for again. I may not be this group's cup of tea but I do like to believe that I have helped others. My main goal has always been to uplift those who need uplifting. I do not want anyone to ever feel how I felt in my lowest and darkest moments.

The main story in the deskverse is about a father and a daughter torn apart by the actions of an abusive mother. My real life story.

I also have ZERO clue as to why I am being involved with misogyny or yuri things. If I have offended you in any way I do apologize.

I do not plan on posting the more 'suggestive' or 'lewd' responses they have made. Overly sexualized content does make me extremely uncomfortable.

This group of people have broken my heart into pieces. Seeing this list of images and names dragging me through the mud has already smashed my unstable self-esteem as it is.

At this time I do not plan on releasing any names associated with all of this because I am honestly tired of reliving the most horrid event of my life over and over because I, for whatever reason, do not fit what this group feels is acceptable of an actor/writer/fan.

I cannot say the same for the others in which they were assaulting.

In summary Alto Clef is an outlet for the pain I live with every day. I can never see, hold, hear, smell, or speak to my daughter. I have scars on my body from her mother that will never allow me to forget that life I had. I will always remember the taste of gunpowder but thankfully my drunk ass was too weak. If your going to be bad at something, be bad at that I suppose.

I will leave all of this with a final image from the copious list and the one that honestly hurts me the most. I am honestly a shy and reserved person and frankly it takes a lot for me to get out of my comfort zone. Not long ago I went to another SCP discord server because I wanted to meet new people and someone in there was awesome. I truly enjoyed my time with this person and just found them amazing. They were kind, open, willing to listen to my ideas, and gushed over Numberonedoggo. I thought I had finally made a new friend on my own. I was apparently wrong.

Art, from some of my favorite artists, was made for the sole reason of mocking me specifically. To laugh at me for finding joy in something that gives me purpose. Something I use to drive away the darkness.

No age, disorder, illness, or reason at all can be acceptable for anyone to act in this way. You are all a mockery of everything the SCP community should stand for.

-TheDesk

[starhaloeklypse]

Alright, it’s finally here, I worked on this like all month and it’s STILL somehow late, but I finished my pride month piece !! I’m so happy with it ! I had a blast with this even if I desperately wish I released it on-time, but oh well. I did enjoy making this, I tried to have each of them show off their respective flags by wearing accessories that to me felt in character for them. Alphys wearing enamel pins, Papyrus wearing stickers, Asgore’s flower crown, Mettaton’s feather boa and earrings, Sans literally just scribbling his flag colors on a shitty piece of paper and taping it to his forehead, etc. I also gave Papyrus and Alphys paraphernalia related to their special interests. It was definitely Frisk’s idea to wrap that gay ass ribbon around Flowey’s pot, though. Don’t worry he’s not homophobic lol, he just doesn’t care and doesn’t wanna be part of this picture. I did make Alphys and Mettaton’s proportions slightly off and it kills me a little but oh well. I also deliberately made this in a CMYK color profile, because I wanna make this into prints, someday. If that’s something you’d be interested in, please sound off in the replies ! I’d love to hear ! These are all my personal headcanons for the characters’ identities. I’ll list them in order from left to right (ironically saving probably the gayest character for last) in case some of the lesser known identities or flags get lost in translation.

Mad Mew Mew - Polyamorous, Transgender, Pansexual, Autistic

{Not LGBT but still noteworthy and celebrated }

Papyrus - Demisexual, Mlm ( Men loving Men /Gay ), Hyperromantic, Autistic

{Not LGBT but still noteworthy and celebrated }

Napstablook - Aromantic Asexual, Non-binary

Sans - Panromantic, Asexual, Non-binary

Frisk - Non-Binary, Autistic

{Not LGBT but still Noteworthy and celebrated }

Flowey - Representing the all-encompassing Rainbow pride flag, Not as a display of his own identity but because Frisk forced him to participate, he doesn’t really have any identity at all, I guess he’d best be described as Agender and Aroace , but I don’t think he’d call himself that or know what those words really mean.

Undyne - Lesbian

Alphys - Non-Binary , Pansexual, Autistic

{Not LGBT but still noteworthy and celebrated }

Toriel - Bisexual

Asgore - Bisexual

Mettaton - Transgender, Mlm ( Men loving Men / Gay ), Intersex, Hypersexual

That’s everyone ! I hope you all enjoy, if you like this and want to support me, want to request art, or support my future Undertale webcomic “JigSawTale”, feel free to check out my Kofi, but don’t feel pressured to donate. I hope you enjoy regardless, and have a wonderful day ! 💕🧡

[fruity-gutz]

ONEYPLAYS SONA INFO

got this idea from @valpenkep (currently drawing your sona btw)

anyways this is penny!! She’s a silly bug fella who’s a heavily autistic internet nerd

other information

Full Name: Penny Mousetrap

Alias: shitty animator, penis, silly goose, lavagirl, dumbass

Gender: Female

Species: Bug

Physical Age: ???

Mental Age: 15

Sexual Orientation: Ramona Flowers

Occupation: artist, writer, animator, lincoln louds number one hater, only normal my little pony fan

Quotes:

“im dumb as a rock and ready to fuck”

“annoying orange is just torture and it’s DISGUSTING”

“LOOK, ITS SANTA CLAUSE!!!”

“holy shit it’s Sheldon from hit show bazinga”

“hai!! hello!!”

“what if i peed right here right now”

“I don’t want a lot forOHMYGOD”

“non comprehensible chittering”

“one time someone pulled on my antennas and I had to send them to the shadow man”

“BOING BITCH!”

 “I just got so scared I became a Victorian child”

“if you bite a popsicle too hard your teeth can disintegrate so be careful”

“women..”

“I hope Lincoln loud drinks milk with rat poison in it and as he spends his final moments choking on the floor the intro of the loud house is playing I feel like that’d be a good ending to the show”

“INFLATION wait no not that kind”

“aw how nice im gonna go shit now”

Appearance:

Monochrome creature with messy ass hair in pigtails. red circular hair clip with a yellow star in the middle in her hair, and she also has swirly antennas. She has 2 bug legs on her waist along with top surgery scars, and unlike the other hosts she has eyes that are in the shape of swirls. 

Cameos: in the newgrounds game series a couple of times, mostly a host during boneyplays, but occasionally is on the show on other times of the year as well.

She’s a very big fan of Friendship Is Witchcraft and quietly sings songs from the series during silences in videos a lot.

Voice claim is spinel from Steven universe 

Penny also really really REALLY likes ramona flowers and claims to be dating her

[asherthephoenix]

Coderra real! ... It's not as fun when the ship is actually canon.

Hoo boy time to share my long ass hc again

So right at the beginning of ROTI we see Sierra hugging Cody tightly right? Sierra also mentions during AS that she uses her phone to contact Cody and the reason she started having hallucinations is because Mal broke her phone and she no longer had a way to reach him. Wether some people like it or not, this proves that Sierra and Cody remained in contact during the ~year and a few months in between WT and AS. I hc that they’re both from Mississauga, just opposite sides of it, so with only a ~45 min drive between them they had no issues seeing eachother after the show ended & hung out super regularly after WT. Sierra def calmed down a bit overtime and as he actually got to know her as friend and not just “weirdo who harasses me nonstop” Cody just ended up liking her more and more. He had plans to ask her out, but then she got called back for All Stars while he didn’t and didn’t get the chance. He watched the season and was rightfully horrified at Sierra’s behavior, but realized that Sierra’s biggest problem was that she was attached to him to an unhealthy degree and clearly there was something wrong for her mentally. We know from his contestant bio Cody is rich af and gets a huge allowance, so when she returned home from AS Cody put his foot down and said he was going to enroll her in therapy to help her get better and she agreed that was probably a good idea. Therapy not only helped sierra find out she was severely autistic but also taught her important strategies and coping mechanisms for her childhood trauma that led her to being the way she is (I have a whole separate hc about that if anyone wants to know) and overtime actually did make significant improvements. She still loves Cody more than anything else, but she learned the importance of, yk, realizing he has boundaries that she needs to respect. Around 1.5-2ish years after she started therapy Cody determined she made enough improvements and asked her out, and given they were both dedicated to putting in the work to make the relationship healthy it lasted & at the time of the reboot they are married with 3 children.

Being realistic, gen 1 is probably never coming back to total drama outside of cameos; I can certainly see them doing another speaking cameo with some of the more popular characters like what they did with Owen if the reboot ever gets a third season but I’m very doubtful we’re ever gonna see sierra or Cody again and if we do it’s gonna be a like, split second cameo. In the hypothetical scenario that Cody and sierra were to both come back for another season, I really wouldn’t want coderra to become canon unless they at least mention sierra being enrolled in some kind of counseling AND she never does anything shitty to Cody at all during their seasons run. Making Coderra canon without Sierra being called out for her problematic actions doesn’t exactly send the best message.

I do plan on tagging this with the TD tags and stuff so for anyone seeing this who doesn’t already know me, DNI if you can’t respect the fact that I ship fanon coderra, thanks

[no-m4gic]

Hey mod Sitaya! Could I request the THH characters with a autistic reader in their class?

And Welcome too :)

ahh my first request !! i hope my writing isn't too shitty. also bonus tenko and mikan since i messed up the first time. sorry if this isn't what you wanted!

sorry if it seems rushed or is too short!! there were a lotta characters x3

p.s i removed hifumi and yasuhiro since i had no ideas for them...

this took so long

~mod sitaya

THH CHARACTERS WITH A GN AUTISTIC DARLING !

BYAKUYA TOGAMI - finds it disgusting and insufferable

"not another one of these peasants... and an indifferent one? hell."

you? indifferent? wow. worse person to be handicapped around.

at first he'd give you the stank-eye. he'd treat you the same as he treats everyone: like a peasant under him.

but oh no. hell will break loose when he finds out you're indifferent.

he'd be such a drama queen, never wanting to be in the same room as you, scooting away, making a face whenever you were around.

byakuya would treat your autism like the plague.

he is in his most annoying era whenever toko annoys him, making sarcastic remarks and comments here and there.

though once you manage to befriend him or i guess tame him like some beast, he'd stop with the bratty ass behavior. maybe not with the distancing himself and leaving the room shenanigans, but still.

whenever he found you annoying (which is most of the time) he'd just pretend he doesn't care or hear, walk away or recommend you go annoy naegi or kirigiri.

one upside is you could basically ask him for money to buy stim toys, weighted blankets or sensory stuff and he'd just say "take it" and throw a thick, fat wad of cash at you.

MONDO OOWADA - finds himself relating to you

"don't think of yourself like that, s/o. i like you most when you're you."

yeah... even though he's the leader of japan's most popular biker gang, he has his number of his own insecurities and struggles.

one is he was and still is, never able to properly socialize with people, that being the reason why he's always so loud and interrupts everyone.

reverse comfort

he's not embarrassed of you, he's embarrassed of himself.

you always have to comfort him when he finds himself in third or second place.

you and scented candles are his emotional support.

sometimes he'd randomly scare you by picking you up from behind.

need not fear, he also does the same thing to ishimaru, in fact he does it more to kiyotaka than you.

if you're cold he'd lend you his jacket.

MAKOTO NAEGI - would find positivity and hope in it

"come on... it's not your fault. plus, it made you who you are right now, it made you you, and i love that."

whenever you're down, makoto would make up stupid stories to try and get you to crack. [ you can decide whether or not s/o ends up laughing at his stories or not ]

as well as dumb stuff that's happened to him due to his 'luck', like him losing his sock and never finding it.

he'd let you ruffle and mess up his hair, also warning you about his ahoge so you don't stab yourself.

sometimes when he has nightmares he'd knock on your door and ask if he could stay for a bit.

in the morning though you won't have to run to the lunch hall, because well, you'll find your breakfast sitting on your bedside table alongside some juice or milk.

whenever you do crazy things, makoto would just watch nervously and would only interfere when you're about to get hurt.

also he likes to stargaze with you at midnight when everyone's asleep.

KIYOTAKA ISHIMARU - worries about you, yet supports you.

"as long as you don't run in the halls or scream like mondo- you'll remain my closest friend!"

sometimes he'd unintentionally throw in a sarcastic or dramatic remark, but that's just him, and you know that.

usually when you're hyper active to the point where you can't eat on your own, he takes it as his own responsibility to feed you manually (and make sure you don't starve to death)

he'd always start off the day with a greeting and how your day went.

since he's asked so many people that, he can tell when you're lying, and would ask what's wrong.

persistent bby

rarely you warn him about mondo picking his ass up, since you find it hilarious.

however you two always have each others' backs.

CHIHIRO FUJISAKI - relates to you on the same level

"don't worry- if i go, alter ego will stay with you till you go too, and then we'll be reunited! right s/o...?"

aside from mondo, you'd be the second person he'd tell his secret to. he knows he can trust you with it, especially when he isn't ready for the world's criticism.

whenever his day was just a horrible one in general, he knows he can come to you for comfort.

before going to bed you both make each other hot chocolates.

you'd lend chihiro some of your clothes whenever he'd decide his confidence level for that day.

if you can't beat a level on a game, just ask chihiro, he'll work his cheating magic.

when your craziness kicks in, you'll insist and persist he hacks into somebody's account to invade their privacy. (you can choose who)

LEON KUWATA - would try to understand your disability

"i don't know what the heck you're doing, but i like where it's going, s/o."

75% of the time he doesn't know what you're doing, but goes along with it.

you'd always be cheering the loudest in the audience at his baseball matches.

he'd be appreciative of your craziness and impulsive actions most of the time.

like you managing to break a vending machine and get like 10 energy drinks for the price of 1.

but sometimes he'll be really confuse and just leave you be... and by that i mean ditch you like the dick he is.

you'll have to navigate your way back.

once you do find him, you'll grab his shoulders from behind, making him scream like a little girl.

SAYAKA MAIZONO - finds it unique and supports you

"don't say that! you're waayy more special than the them!"

honestly she'd think it makes you unique from the others.

in fact, you guys would discuss about song lyrics and she'd take a lot of inspiration from you and your tales.

overall sayaka wouldn't mind whenever you let your heart out, she enjoys hearing your voice.

she's too embarrassed to admit that, though.

if you have long hair, she'd braid and mess around with it, also letting you mess with hers since she really likes your touch.

if you ever needed help with falling asleep soundly, sayaka would offer to sing you a song or a lullaby, as well as learn the lyrics to your favorite song after that night as backup.

pls- she'd be so patient with you. if you were ever mad, she'd leave you be to cool down. if you were upset or scared she'd hold and hug you, telling you everything will be okay. she'd listen to you vent your heart out.

she spends more time in your room chattering with you rather than her own room sitting miserably on a table rocking her brain back and fourth thinking of catchy song lyrics.

AOI ASAHINA - finds you even more adorable

"eeek!! you're so cute s/ooo!! i just wanna eat you up!"

ooh hoooooo.

asahina would treat you like her baby.

her and sakura will defend you with their life, especially from mondo and byakuya. they're getting their asses beaten if they dared mess with you.

overprotective mother mode

she'd share her donuts and food with you.

whenever you guys meet up for the day she'd give you a daily head pat and compliment like "oh my goshh you look cuter than before!"

she'd also get you stim toys and other stuff to distract yourself with incase she was busy with a competition or training with sakura.

if you really wanted, aoi would also teach you to swim.

also would chase you just to ruffle your hair.

CELESTIA LUDENBURG - doesn't care about it

"as long as it isn't infectious, you can have all the time and tea you want with and from me."

oh you were disabled? she didn't even notice.

celeste wouldn't give a flying fuck about it.

it's more of if you piss her off or not. if you don't, you can have tea with her, if you do... well, she'd either send you to kyoko or act like a less dramatic togami.

most of the time celeste would listen to whatever you had to say, or pretend she was listening and constantly nod her head.

she'd be hesitant to let you around grand bois chéri (her cat), so you'd have to try your hardest to prove to her you won't injure or let chéri get injured in your care.

other than that celeste would treat you like any other person.

if you get too out of hand for her though, she'd get you some sensory or stim toys to keep you busy from annoying her.

KYOKO KIRIGIRI - would be supportive of you no matter what

"who cares about what the others say? you're perfect the way you are, s/o."

gentle head and back pats

sometimes in her free time, she'd follow you around, most of the time just to make sure you're alright.

lets you review cases with her, just to keep your mind fresh and active, perhaps one day you'll impress and blow her mind by solving a mystery even she couldn't crack.

even though she'd be embarrassed, shy or not wanting to, she'd join in your activities if you invited her to, such as dancing or singing.

though she'd never share hers, she'd always ask about you and your feelings.

is very persistent, and would secretly and anonymously send you little gifts from time to time like a secret admirer.

JUNKO ENOSHIMA - would be inquisitive and criticize

"oh my gosh, so you just move out of nowhere? couldn't imagine me like that, SO glad i'm not you."

has no idea and knowledge about disabilities and stuff.

she's worse than togami.

she'd always humiliate and embarrass you in front of people to cause despair

but she'd always find herself crawling back to you.

it's annoying, and she likes that. it brings her so much self-inflicted despair

uses you as an insult, especially towards mukuro and kamukura.

"you guys are WORSE than s/o, so much more annoying, no wonder s/o's spirit is brighter than your guys' futures."

when she isn't in such a despair-ful mood, instead of embarrassing you in public, she'd just grab your hand and lightly squeeze it, all while obnoxiously insulting her sister.

since she's an uncultured swine, she'd either let you squeeze, hug and cry to a monokuma bot or let mukuro deal with you.

SAKURA OGAMI - would be supportive and encourages you

"if you lift your chin up you'll see the path hope has created for you, s/o."

usually you'd watch her work out and bring and make her protein shakes whenever asahina was training.

she'd make sure you're good and healthy, both physically and mentally.

if you also wanted to train and work out with her, she'd offer to make you a healthy drink afterwards.

you two always have fun making smoothies and salads with funny drawings and faces made of tomatoes and onions after work out sessions.

would let you style her hair into ridiculous sights.

whenever you guys were in a meeting or assembly, you, asahina and sakura would crack jokes and giggle together.

both of you have this special greeting where you jump and high-five, most of the time sakura just stands with her hand up though.

TOKO FUKAWA - pretends to find you insufferable but relates to you

"i g-guess freaks talk to f-freaks, don't they...?"

at first she'd try to act like togami around you. avoiding you and giving you the "ew" look.

but later on she'd find herself warming up to you and doing small little affectionate tasks like bringing you a glass of water.

goes by the "if i do this for you, you will do this for me" sorta thing.

so she fetches you that glass of water (even if you didn't ask for it), you'll have to get her a glass of water or juice too next time.

sometimes you'd also help her chase byakuya, just for fun, and a way to relieve your anxieties.

you guys may or may not get too crazy and start a food fight, targetting each other and byakuya.

you both cower away when it comes to social interactions

BONUSES ;; TENKO CHABASHIRA & MIKAN TSUMIKI

TENKO CHABASHIRA - becomes more overprotective of you

"i have to defend you from the degenerate males, stay behind me, s/o!"

whenever anyone, especially the guys, approaches you, she'd jump into action and scare them away.

if you wanna talk to anyone of your guy friends, you'll have to distract her or send her away.

you two would toss small snacks into each others' mouth such as gummies or little candies and make a game of it. never hard candy though, since you guys don't wanna injure each other.

if any guy harassed you, they are going to the afterlife once tenko finds out.

you both do crazy things such as destroying a vending machine just to steal it's contents without paying.

she'd also invite you to watch himiko do magic tricks, but no guys allowed, okay?

since sometimes you can be really clueless and naive, tenko scans the place to look for any guys or suspicious people and hesitates to leave you alone to either run an errand, check on yumeno or use the bathroom.

also, whenever you're using the bathroom, tenko stands outside the toilet door, guarding it with her arms crossed and legs spread.

MIKAN TSUMIKI - worries more about you and becomes more clingy

"s/o! w-what happened?! who did this- or-or did you fall? eek! i'm sorry!"

would occasionally check on you and knock on your room door to a point where it gets sorta creepy and annoying.

you'll have to tell her that you're fine, and you won't die within' 10 seconds when she's off elsewhere.

well since you do tend to do crazy things beyond your control, she knows you're gonna get hurt eventually.

and you do.

when you get injured or hurt, you won't have to head to her office, since well... the nurse will come to you automatically.

though she'd be crying, fearing you were going to die or something dramatic.

"i'm so sorry s/o!! i should've ran quicker- don't leave me!!"

if it is serious and you end up blacking out, somebody else would have to give you medical attention since mikan would be sulking in the bathroom, washing her face over and over again.

she's touch-starved, but is always too shy and scared to ask for hugs.

whenever you guys are in assembly, she'll hold your hand and squeeze it. she relaxes herself knowing you're there, right next to her.

likes & reblogs appreciated, reposts not appreciated!

© sitayaa

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for being autistic, having ADD, and repressed memories?

this happened a while back, but essentially what happened was a huge fight between me and a friend of several years. he came to me initially about how creeped out he was by a mutual friend (that i introduced to the friend group) from how he was acting to a younger (not a minor) friend in said group. creepy friend wanted to meet up and hang with younger friend, i thought it was a bit weird too. this led to creep being kicked because they had shown other mildly weird things so we just booted em.

this whole ordeal resulted in me remembering how said creepy friend kept flirting with me and wanting to have a relationship with me and such when i was 17, and they were in their 20s. this was something i completely expelled from my brain, which i did say as much. other friend put me on blast and said, "you knew they were a creep the whole time? and let them in our friend group?" when i absolutely did not. this fed into other behaviors that this friend hated me exhibiting but never talking to me about for who knows how long.

i sound too "monotone" when i speak, i try showing interest in other friends interests but can't really stand it because it isn't something I am personally interested in, so trying to force myself to be feels downright painful. this made me shallow and a bad friend.

mind you i didn't get diagnosed with ADD and autism until just this past year, so i had no idea that those traits listed above are insanely common in people with autism and add/adhd. like, those are just part of me. i am just Like That. literally always have been . this is people i knew who would headcanon their blirbis as having autism and adhd but i guess they just didn't really know or understand the full scope of what those disabilities entail.

of course i will not at all dismiss the fact that i had some shitty behaviors those aside. i was living in a severely abusive situation for my whole life and straight up didn't realize i was picking up bad habits from my abusers that i lived in such tight quarters with and interacted with every single day. this isn't an excuse, it's an explanation. im in therapy now, medicated, and out of said abusive situation, so i am doing so much better now than when i was younger. but these behaviors were never brought up to me, my friends never talked to me about them, so i had no fucking idea i was being an ass or being autistic or anything like that. no communication until it all boiled over.

aita?

What are these acronyms?

[sirenium]

If I witness one more person call the accommodation of autistic needs (hell, even allistic and/or otherwise disabled needs) 'enabling' I am going to scream.

trigger warning under the cut: mentions of bullying, shitty adults who fuck up their job so bad that it just makes things worse. Somewhat long post, you have been warned.

I have missed a lot of school throughout my life. When I was younger, it was because the kids never welcomed me, despite the office lady's attempts at making my mom see otherwise in 1st to 2nd grade. I switched schools a lot, in the hopes that I would have better luck meshing with my peers in another environment (I didn't). Once I turned thirteen, I learned how to mask for the most part, and suddenly, everyone was nice to me... and I didn't know why but didn't complain. I would have to leave often still, because I was exhausted and couldn't fathom staying the whole day. I think I missed more school the older I got, despite no longer being bullied: 13 was when I masked the hardest, and I missed so many days that the vice principal called me into his office to threaten me that, if I didn't stop missing so much school, they would send a social worker to my house. I didn't do much better with attendance in 9th grade, but this was 2019-2020 and we all know what happened then.

The theme throughout all of this was adults downplaying my struggles, watering it all down to me being lazy or defiant or whatever word they could pull out of their ass to villainize me. My own counselor would tell my mom not to pick me up so much, because that was 'enabling' me. Nobody bothered to really open their eyes when it came to my autism, because even though I flailed around like a dying fish trying to get along with my allistic peers, I 'could communicate just fine' and 'made eye contact' and was 'too intelligent' to possibly be autistic. Never mind my struggles academically, because I """""made straight As""""" often (I didn't learn how to read until 8 years old, have yet to learn how to count money, can now just barely count the time on an analog clock, and just barely survived when it came to things that weren't language related. I failed algebra 1 three times).

I didn't learn I was autistic until I was 16, and didn't get a professional diagnosis until 18. It hasn't even been a year. The professionals suspected autism at a much younger age (four years old, to be exact. 'rule out autism spectrum disorder' is in my records), but never bothered to do anything about it. I was thrown headfirst into life with no support, constantly being told it was MY fault, and all the while I had no idea what was going on with me. My mom's efforts to accommodate the child who was dealing with so much shit was labeled as 'enabling'. Now she, herself, considers certain accommodations to be enabling.

Can we please. Just remove 'enabling' from our vocabulary when it comes to accommodating autistic people. Can we please stop acting like giving physically disabled people disability aids such as wheelchairs and rollators is 'enabling'. Can we please actually acknowledge the causes for why that person is missing school so much instead of acting like they're just lazy and being 'enabled'. Please for the love of fucking God can people be normal about disabled people and those of us who are bullied.

[beardedmrbean]

[Huey Zoomer Anon]

Hello, hmm it more of a weird question, but I wonder if Jewish people might be interested in this idea

I had a idea about a Israeli entertainment company collaborating with a anime studio to create a senien/or shounen depending on their moods. Action focus anime that focus on the Wars between the Philistine vs Israelites, The Conquests of King David, and Golden Age of Israel. I was thinking like an epic anime fantasy or in that vein?

I think far too many goys like I was, don’t believe Jews people had balls and didn’t kick their enemies asses several times throughout history because…well it tragic and Jewish people still recovering

Anyone else think Jewish people become the modern damsel in distress because the overuse of WW2?

Also the whole goblins and witches being antisemitic stereotypes….

Ugh who taught millennials to be activists?

The problem is that the education system isn’t going to be bother to explain where the Jewish stereotypes originated from. So the fact that I learned that Jews were forced into professions that were once considered “undesirable” back in the day because of a fucking YouTube shitpost. Which explains how the Jewish banker stereotype

And…people at large are more likely to see a black American in the USA vs a Jew due to the low population. Now given that many activists lived in echo chambers

And yes you pointed out that Israel and Judah were minor kingdoms….i thought the western education systems would give better context to the majority of western lord and savior (Jesus) heritage background and why he was so different from his fellow kin

Another thing like with fantasy….wait Jewish mysticism is practiced by Jewish people right? Yeah sorry I’m a autistic goy

Why not…make a proper fantasy kingdom based off Israel and Judah? I mean it’s in the Canaan, a huge trading hub between the east and west so it would very easy

Also so Jewish people…was Moses the only staff magic profit? I want to created Jewish magic using that actual stuff from Jewish culture. Wait how golem works?

…Okay being a smart ass…would a Jewish mecha pilot…call his mecha…a golem?

The Mossad are going to send me a “special” electronic device as revenge for my shitty puns

I had a idea about a Israeli entertainment company collaborating with a anime studio to create a senien/or shounen depending on their moods. Action focus anime that focus on the Wars between the Philistine vs Israelites, The Conquests of King David, and Golden Age of Israel. I was thinking like an epic anime fantasy or in that vein? I think far too many goys like I was, don’t believe Jews people had balls and didn’t kick their enemies asses several times throughout history because…well it tragic and Jewish people still recovering

Why mess with perfection, lol.

Sent you a couple things already, most everything I come across is done by Christian groups so they're going to be missing a lot of nuance I think.

Might be some already, I just don't know about them but if anyone wants to send me some names I'll make sure they get to you.

Ugh who taught millennials to be activists?

They kinda pioneered a bunch of the current year stuff, first to embrace social media and twitter and stuff like that so it's gonna be on them.

The problem is that the education system isn’t going to be bother to explain where the Jewish stereotypes originated from. So the fact that I learned that Jews were forced into professions that were once considered “undesirable” back in the day because of a fucking YouTube shitpost. Which explains how the Jewish banker stereotype

Ya there could be a whole lot of stuff taught about a whole lot of different groups that gets skipped, probably do a world of good to teach more of that, even just touching on it would be good.

And…people at large are more likely to see a black American in the USA vs a Jew due to the low population. Now given that many activists lived in echo chambers

It's easier to spot a black American at a distance than it is a Jewish person, also that black American might also be a Jewish person

And yes you pointed out that Israel and Judah were minor kingdoms….i thought the western education systems would give better context to the majority of western lord and savior (Jesus) heritage background and why he was so different from his fellow kin.

People would call that teaching religion and the aclu would continue that the freedom of religion is supposed to be freedom from religion again.

Odd they didn't say anything about students in CA having aztec prayers made part of the curriculum, but not really odd.

Another thing like with fantasy….wait Jewish mysticism is practiced by Jewish people right? Yeah sorry I’m a autistic goy

Kabbalah, others too but that's the big one because like 30 years ago madonna went to Israel and decided to embrace that one, Whitney Houston had a spiritual epiphany there too, Jerusalem syndrome be wild.

Why not…make a proper fantasy kingdom based off Israel and Judah? I mean it’s in the Canaan, a huge trading hub between the east and west so it would very easy

Might exist, hopefully someone will let me know.

Also so Jewish people…was Moses the only staff magic profit? I want to created Jewish magic using that actual stuff from Jewish culture. Wait how golem works?

His brother Aaron also used a staff, Elijah and Elisha both parted waters so they could walk across on dry land, as well as several other miracles and what not, it wasn't magic though it was the big guy working through them.

Golem's I'm not sure personally beyond putting a scroll in them with their instructions, probably info on wiki for that.

…Okay being a smart ass…would a Jewish mecha pilot…call his mecha…a golem?

lol, also see the bit about the scroll.

The Mossad are going to send me a “special” electronic device as revenge for my shitty puns

They don't do that for things like this, they'll just steal your left shoe.

Is it wrong that this still makes me laugh almost 10 years later?

TIL Ben Shapiro was part of the J6 tour of the capital.

[honeyconez]

Cone cave

there’s cones and pans everywhere… I wonder why…

I go by Conez or Ed

transmasc somewhat probably?? Give me cock!!!

He/She/It/Penis????? Im not sure pick one of those ig

I’m a minor and I’ve already really seen it all 😍 Becoming a middle aged adult with a midlife crisis speedrun

I’m learning French (ew spy reference)

I LOOOVEVEE tf2 i will mostly be posting tf2 related stuff and soldier is my favorite

My favorite ships are helmet party, boots n bombs, american healthcare, and flashfire

Some of my smaller interests are :

• OFF • Endoparasitic • Dogman • SCP (specifically sloths pit) • HLVRAI

I’m pretty socially awkward so if I don’t respond to a comment or I respond in a weird way it’s because I don’t know how to respond 😭😭😭

I don’t mean to be an asshole but sometimes I can come off as one but I don’t mean to be offensive

Potentially autistic??? Getting a diagnosis soon idk all my friends gave me around a 8/10 on the autism scale

✨ My Tags ✨

old tags will be listed under cut

Conezdumbideas - shitposts

Conezmakeart - art tag

Conedoodledoodle - doodles

Conezyappityyap - me rambling

Conepookies - me irl frens

Conezdoesthegmog - gmod sillies

Conezgoofyassocs - my gooby ocs

🧦 Tags to find my shitty comics idk ✨

Conezsillyvoidcomic - void comic (on hiatus indefinitely)

(there was a tag here but I forgot what the idea was gonna be so I put this here to forever be reminded that I probably had a great idea)

Uniqueoriginaltagforconezcomic1 - surprise…

Reblog tags if I remember 🍔🍔

teafor2 - tf2

beybladesmrfeetman - hlvrai

supercreativereblogtagforscp - scp

whoupterryingtheyhintz - lisa the painful

stupidmeatman - OFF

evilcatredemptionarc - dogman

endoparasitic - endoparasitic

🥖🥖🥖 Old Tags 💔🥖🥖

conezeatspencils - pencil drawings

wholetconezcook - drawings

(copied from old intro lol) Other general stuff I find neat

•Computer viruses(stuxnet……)

•World Wars 1 & 2

•Patterns in math…. My beloved….

•Paradoxes

•Spaceeeeeeeee

•Geology

•Math in general I guess

•Coding

•Rules of robotics

•History

•War strategies

•The Art of War by Sun Tzu

Games

• Undertale/Deltarune

• Minecraft

• Celeste

• Rayman

• Subnautica

• Cat Quest I & II

• Stardew Valley

• Cuphead

• Cult Of the Lamb

Movies

• Emesis Blue

• Deadpool 1, 2, 3

• Howl’s Moving Castle

• Magnificent Nine

• Steven Universe the Movie

(Will add more I remember)

Cartoons / Shows / Series idk

• Lil Pootis

• Adventure Time

• Fionna & Cake

• Adventure Time Distant Lands

• Steven Universe

• Minecraft Storymode (I watched the Netflix thingy before it was removed)

• Captain Underpants

• Team Neighborhood

• Over the Garden Wall (one of my favs)

Books / Comics

• Curse Of the Werepenguin

• Dogman (huge inspiration)

• Breaking Cat News (huger inspiration)

• Bunnicula

• The Outsiders (could yap forever)

• Midsummer’s Nights Dream

• Adventure Time Comics

Youtube series or Youtubers I like

*(by youtubers I mean their videos if they don’t really have a series) **(if any of these Youtubers are actually bad people please tell me I live under a rock)

• Honorcrocketts

• Rubberfruit

• Kostamonien

• STBlackST / Unusual Troubles

• Kitty0706

• Requiem For A Pizza

• Badwatervideos2009

• HoovyTube

• Team Neighborhood

• Kugawattan

• TheInvertedShadow

• DamashiDX

• KIEGKILLSREALITY THIS DUDE IS AMAZING HOLY SHART

Musical Artists

• Lemon Demon

• Neutral Milk Hotel

• Penelope Scott

• Weird Al Yankovic!!!!

• ARTHUR

• The Scary Jokes

• Metric

• Beck

• Widdly 2 Diddly

DNI

Homophobes, transphobes, racists, pedos, pervs, proshit, pro-Israel, zionists, zoophiles, completely NSFW blogs, TERFs and SWERFs yknow like basic peoples who are shitty

Also some very specific stuff

-People who ship emesis blue solly and spy idk about you… you’re welcome I guess but I’ll sideye you (I could on a whole rant about how shitty jaques is he’s so mean to soldier 😭😭) -People who genuinely like lunchly gtfo you’re witerawy an npc… lunchables are so much better -That girl from 2nd grade who told me to smell her ass bc it smelled liked bubblegum and also told me that adventure time made me stupider fuck you -People who are like really aggressively vegetarian or vegan??? I’ll eat as much steak as I want. I’ll respect your life choices if you respect mine -Ppl who don’t like Bluey? I didn’t even know Bluey haters existed -IF YOU LIKE JIMMY FROM MOUTHWASHING puhLEASE JUST BLOCK ME I DONT EVEN WANT TO SEE YOUR BLOG -People who like brussel sprouts wtf? No one likes them also my stepmom is terrible at making them which makes them even worse -People who say Minecraft was ruined and the old versions were better GET OUT GET OUT I’LL POLITELY HOLD THE EXIT DOOR OPEN FOR YOU JUST PLAY THE OLDER VERSIONS THEN -People who aggressively shit on people for liking dark humor -People who aren’t comfortable with objectum, nothing against you but there will be the occasional jokes about objectum so just block me for your comfort :] -People who still use Dr br*ght or support him. What the fuck? -People who don’t find the schlatt joke funny where they put schl at the schleginning of schlords it’s the funniest thing you schlarty schlooper -Lack toes and told her aunt

(Obviously most of these are a joke)

[cookiekitkat8484]

dipper hcs

This is super long, like 2000 words super long because i have a huge hyperfixation and cringe culture is dead. he reminds me of me and my friends/family so i have a million ideas. split into topics for reading convenience

low 20s, autistic, bi + demi with a preference for women, ftm. I totally understand people disliking ftm dipper because of stan and mabel making fun of his masculinity and it would be shitty in canon but this is my post so i make the rules bitch and am pretending that never happened. None of this is ship stuff. I imagine him to basically look like the lovley art in this post.  

shares an apartment with mabel in portland, completely full of nerd memorabilia, stacks of boardgames, mabels diys, a conspiracy corkboard, and arts & crafts materials 

works in a bar/arcade where wendy bartends, calls soos and fidds when he needs help fixing machines

pet ferret called pippin

started his own journal 

pacificas plus one to her prissy rich person events, sit in the corner and shit talk

carries around fidget toys, was too embarrassed till mabel convinced him (partially because his pens kept exploding everywhere)

has protective runes tattooed 

mabel talks about astrology to be annoying, is baited into getting mad and rambling about how modern astrology is fake and a scam every single time

nervous driver, doesnt have a car but is sometimes driven by mabel in her heavily adorned funmobile; worries about her "enthusiastic" driving

helps mabel dye her hair after a three am hair emergency, got really good and started bleaching pacificas till she decided to chop it and grow it out natural (refused money from her parents after moving out), which used to be the ultimate gossip sessions

joint problems and pain, god awful posture

one sided beef with all of mabels partners till they “prove themselves”

doesnt believe in cooking like he (mainly) used to not believe in laundry

punched someone for making fun of mabel, got beat up so mabel kicked their asses (thank you stan and wendy for her "training")

only social media is reddit, an instagram account made and run by pacifica, youtube, and a tumblr on nerd/mystery stuff 

only has tumblr bc candy convinced him in like 2014 then he succumbed to the brain rott, they're mutuals and make weird references no one else gets, personalises blog extensively via html/css, had a brief superwholock phase in 2015 (fight me)

coded mabels laptop into a custom 2000s esc blinged out hellscape she made in graphic design class, got her rgb stuff bc she likes rainbows and he thinks its funny

occasionally clashes with mabel bc shes sensory seeking and he gets sensory overload

pacifica takes him clothes shopping bc otherwise he will literally never buy new clothes, sometimes go thrifting with mabel the thrift god

mildly dyslexic and in denial

needs glasses but usually wears contacts because he finds them annoying then forgets to take them out

wears glasses when he misses the grunkles

Sugar addict like mabel and their pantry shows it 

Best nerd shirt collection, like, that's all he wears

Gets into online arguments way too much for no reason 

Mabel makes like ten different protective friendship bracelets with unicorn hair so he could have options, just wears all of them at once

uni

journalism major with a minor in computer science 

takes history, pure maths, and film units as electives 

member/helps run the clubs for DnD [DD&MD], MTG, Warhammer, and scifi & fantasy appreciation

founder and president of the uni cryptozoology, supernatural, aliens, and occult society (CSACS)

gets ford to proof read his writing/math and fidds his code

attends lectures for units hes not even enrolled in for fun

has gotten into multiple arguments with professors, including ones that dont even teach him 

has read theory (all people who’ve read theory are annoying including myself)

hobbies

goes to cons with mabel, she helps with (/mainly makes for him) matching cosplays to fill the trick or treating void

once met spock and kirks actors and got so excited he passed out so mabel took pics of him on the floor next to them and she thinks its the funniest thing to ever exist

DMs multiple online DnD [DD&MD] and ttrpgs groups, 3.5e truther

competes in MTG tournaments 

does karaoke night with mabel and the gals atleast once a month, sometimes brings pacifica 

goes to the renaissance fair with the squad where him, mabel, ford, and soos all dress up and get super into character with melony; wendy and stan take shrooms and go to watch the sword fighting 

listens to DnD podcasts 

ex band kid and still plays Sousaphone, often to mabels dismay 

obsessed with boardgames and hosts boardgame nights, always makes everyone play super overcomplicated ones then has to play monopoly when its stan and mabels choice

almost always wins boardgames and knows how every mechanic works, has only occasionally lost to ford (who is a sore loser lol)

has had risk games last multiple days after its only him and ford left

bonds with mabel and soos painting figures (warhammer, dnd, the usual) and embraces her covering hers in glitter and gems

goes ghost hunting, has a shit tone of real gear from ford and fidds and sometimes vlogs, quotes buzzfeed unsolved

secret AO3 account, caught grunkle stan writing dutches approves fics but both have sworn an oath of secrecy 

wendy taught him skateboarding, doesnt do tricks (uncoordinated as shit) but uses it as transport

broke bc he cant resist collectables 

made his own pc from scratch using parts he bought and custom ones made by fidds

goes to local band concerts with wendy and her gang including watching wendy play drums

Did debate in highschool, usually gets nervous doing public speaking but gets so invested he forgets; is second speaker

tech guy for productions mabel is in

games 

loves all strategy and puzzle games

fav games include fallout 1&2, nethack, xcom, civ, FTL, and dwarf fortress

ford and fidds play games they used to play before the portal accident with him eg. zork, MUD1, rouge, star trek, colossal cave adventure, and mystery house

plays portal 2 with ford and sometimes mabel

plays baldurs gate with mabel and she spent five hours doing character customisation, he plays wizard and she plays bard and both are total stereotypes

played lethal company and phasmophobia with mabel, soos, wendy, grenda, and candy (goes as expected) (lots of screaming)

BDG unravelled fan and grew up on matpat but cant play fnaf or ddlc bc giffany 

had a breakdown playing dark souls and started crying at 2am so mabel banned it permanently

spectacularly bad at rhythm games but will play with mabel anyway and she completely sweeps, esp in arcades and just dance

plays bishi bashi with the gang and have broken the machine multiple times

really good at retro arcade games, shares strats with soos and remembers all the combos for everything; helps kids beat levels at work

gets ford to help optimise game stats/teams/strats with the POWER OF MATHS !!!, has on occasion coded algorithms to assist 

forced everyone to play among us constantly for like three months straight

member of mabel, candy, and grendas chaotic nightmare of a minecraft server, usually offline and generally regrets it when he joins; more of a terraria guy

undertale kid

ports/emulates games himself, esp retro console stuff like old fire emblem, Zelda, earthbound

in the ace attorney fandom  

runs a server for online friends he plays games with

shows/movies

does annual lotr (extended edition) marathons with ford, mabel drifts in and out of watching because snacks and that legolas and arwin are both a “total smash” (elf apreciator)

loves all scifi, including classics like star trek, star wars, ext.

watches doctor who with mabel (shes a david tennant enjoyer) including the super old stuff, replies with one of the classic who doctors when people ask his fav and confuse them 

goes to old scifi/horror/fantasy rerun marathons, wendy joins depending on the films

watches scifi and mecha anime with soos and fidds, sometimes ford joins

loves evangelion, knows cruel angels thesis in japanese, lowkey a shinji kinnie and is bullied ruthlessly 

watches candys exquisite curation of 90s shoujo with her, mabel, and grenda; wont admit he gets super into it but has been caught doing sailor moon magical girl transformation poses 

watched madoka magica with the gals and was kuybey hater #1 from the start

never shuts the fuck up about theories and guesses the end of movies unless mabel smothers him with a pillow

hate watches conspiracy theory/ghost hunting shows with wendy bc theyre either laughably wrong or so close and totally missing the obvious, except this one random guy who was somehow spot on (like doug forcett in the good place) 

Made to watch all of twilight at a girls night because mabel (mostly) watched lotr, cant stop overthinking the insane lore implications which somehow get worse with every book fact mabel tells him (because what the fuck ???? the world building is batshit), him and candy keep periodically saying effervescent and bursting into hysterics to the others confusion

still quotes star wars bad lip readings with mabel

books

favs include hitchikers guide to the galaxy, discworld, lotr, do androids dream of electric sheep, earthsea, dune, and HP lovecraft esp cuthullu 

him and ford have both read the salmirilion and make it everyones problem

likes classic scifi and early cyberpunk, esp spec fic thats wacky or raises ethical questions to ponder with ford

loves sherlock homes and agatha christie, big who dunnit story fan

read good omens bc mabel likes the show (again, david tennant enjoyer) and its terry pratchet + neil gaiman, tries to get her to read the book for ages and eventually she listens to the audiobook

music

owns spirit phone on vinyl, made ford listen once and accidentally gave him flashbacks

likes lemon demon, TWERP, starbomb, NSP, tally hall, will wood, and other nerd bands 

they might be giants and potusa enjoyer

can and will recite the entirety of the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny at the drop of a hat

went through a midwest emo phase, still listens to csh

listens to vocaloid with candy; went to a concert with the gals and everyone learnt the dances, mabel decorated their light sticks 

always ends up belting [B]ABBA when drunk

Fav [B]ABBA songs are disco girl and under attack 

weezer defender, bullied by mabel and wendy

listens to math rock with ford while stan complains the time signatures and polyrhythms (though he’d never bother to learn the terms) give him a headache 

listens to game OSTs and chiptune stuff

mabel got him into musicals, knows the words to hamilton, bmc, and dear evan hansen, sing duets together

trans 

once forgot to take off a too small binder for like two days and fainted, mabel made him a custom one

short king, used to have hight dysphoria

mabel alters his pants bc mens trousers are evil for the transmasc gang

didnt shave ever when he first got his wiskers till pacifica staged an intervention 

forgot to tell stan he was trans till he got body hair and stan joked it was his genetics to thank, dipper responded he was lucky the T was actually effective

drinking/drugs

cant smoke weed or he gets suuuuper paranoid, only smoked once w wendy and tried to smoke more to calm down but just ended up greening hard

drinks alcoholic ginger beer and indie APIs wendy recommends, though shes more of a whisky and scotch

super low alcohol tolerance, doesnt drink often

drinks mabels own recipe cocktail monstrosities when she convinces him they wont get shitfaced, always ends up shitfaced because theyre 100% alcohol + sugar and mabels tolerance is like double his; always eventually ends with him trying to explain lotr poorly

once drank so much caffeine he started hallucinating 

tripsits mabel (LSD legend) and sometimes wendy (totally does shrooms), again is neurotic and should under no circumstances take hallucinogens 

sometimes smokes cigs when stressed, tries to hide it but is laughably bad, will ocasionally bum a cig off wendy

[broodsys]

ive been thinking about this a lot lately and kinda just wanna say it somewhere.

that said, feel free to just scroll on by bc this is heavy. also super long? i just- needed to get it off my chest, kinda.

cw: sexual assault, alcohol and drug use

so, in highschool there were these two guys who were in my friend group but i wasn't rly friends with, we'll just say L and N. L had an obvious crush on me and kept trying to get me to date him even tho i had a boyfriend and he knew my boyfriend - once i ended up going on a date with him bc my autistic ass thought he was just trying to hang out, lmao. anyway, it was awkward, esp once my friends told me uhhh no that was a date? u just described a date.

N was a lot more chill but also kinda... he was nice and all, genuinely nice, but he was also one of those no no i'm not sexist i'm an equal-opportunity hater haha! guys. so i wasn't rly close with either of them

but when i went to college they were the only two ppl i already knew and i was rly overwhelmed about being all alone on campus at first, so i ended up spending quite a bit more time with both of them, in and out of school. and it was fun when it was the three of us! they were amusingly raunchy and we talked a lot about related subjects and went on walks together and idk, it was nice. this was before i realized i was trans but i think it fulfilled a Just One Of The Guys need i had at that time

got p close with both of them, esp L. ended up at his house by myself quite frequently. and, well, we drank - this being before i realized i had a unrelated liver disease. and by this point i was out as trans and my family was AWFUL about using the right pronouns and i had no in-person connections who used the right pronouns and i was... p desperate for validation. while also using both alcohol and weed quite heavily to cope

so, yknow... hang out with someone who calls me 'he', talk about gender shit, sigh and go along with the eight million dumb YT videos he wanted to show me, but whatever, i got free liquor and it was smth to do, right? i was even able to lean into being a system around him! that was super validating.

so, surprise surprise, we ended up becoming kinda fuckbuddies. and i was okay with that - p open that i wasn't interested in a relationship but like, sure, we can fuck around. so we did. usually drunk. usually quite drunk. but that was okay because there was still consent going on

but i had one very clear, very explicit boundary. and once he started to cross it - i called him out on it and he pushed back and i had to tell him to stop several times. it wasn't like... aggressive? just very, very coercive. took me a long time to accept that it was still a form of rape. hell, i still struggle to type that out, i want to add caveats to it. but it just was. and that was the big change for me, when i realized he wasn't actually going to respect my boundaries. still hung out with him for a while after that and we had sex a few more times while i was processing my feelings about everything and trying to accept that he was in the wrong and i had a right to be upset

but after that, i just started feeling rly shitty on the walk home whenever i left him. there were subspace/subdrop issues at play, too, which was another brand-new discovery for me, and no aftercare ever, but it was... yeah. it was bad.

still, took me a while to break off the relationship. i was actually at a conference for a school thing when i did it, because being around ppl who saw me as a man, who respected me, who treated me kindly... it totally changed how i saw interpersonal dynamics. like, that whole experience was a MASSIVE wake-up call for me. so that was when i cut him out of my life

now, oddly, this story isn't about L. it's about N.

afaik, N had no idea about any of this. but a while ago, idk probably over a year now, he sent me a nice text mentioning that he didn't know why we'd fallen out of touch. and i usually delete texts after a while but i still have that one. sometimes i want to reply - not telling him the details, just like 'yeah so me and L had smth weird and i didn't want to put u in a position where u had to choose' but also just- memories, yknow? i associate them together very strongly bc the three of us spent sm time together

but i still feel kinda bad. kinda miss N. i saw him become a better person while i saw L kinda become a worse person. i just feel... idk. torn? ultimately i gotta take care of me because no one else can, but i think about him quite often, and about that text i've never replied to. and i also spent time with N alone, and it was just chill. he never tried to fuck me. when i slept over he let me have his bed and made sure there were fresh sheets and everything. he watched me play videogames at his house and let me spend forever on character customization and made sure i had vegetarian food to eat. he was nice, without any strings attached. and we talked about, shit, everything. once we walked for hours and hours - p much the entire night - just talking. he rly opened up to me a lot, and i opened up to him - not about everything and not about anything with L, but about a lot of other stuff. it was an important friendship.

and i just... i regret losing that a lot. i've been thinking about both of them a lot recently. part of it is just coming head to head with things i was using weed to repress now that i've been sober for a while, granted. bc i've been thinking about a lot of things in my past recently.

relationships are messy. but i regret that a good friendship got stained by a bad one.

[calsvoid]

i wanna hear your blaine takes!! and also uhhhhh for a kinda random one how bout tina

send me a character and i’ll break their ass down

blaine anderson

how i feel about this character m

my other son!! my beautiful depressed autistic son, i love him he’s my baby fr i wanna hold him and tell him everything will be okay i just love him so much

all the people i ship romantically with this character

once again seblaine is my favorite ship of all time that will never change im obsessed with them. honestly i’ve come around to klaine too though, i used to really hate them because most seblaine fics portray him as an antagonist which is fair but honestly i like them more now and i think they are victims of bad writing. they had a lot of good moments and if i was a gleek when it was airing i probably would’ve been a die hard fan of them. i also am a tiny bit of a blam shipper, not too much because i think they’re better off as friends but they are cute

my non-romantic otp for this character

urghhh this is so hard i love so many of blaine’s friendships so much. i think it does have to be blamtina though because they’re my favorite trio in the show and some of their songs go so fucking hard

my unpopular opinion about this character

i like his silliness in the later seasons yeah he got intense and it was kinda overdone but it was fun yknow and i like the idea of blaine coming out of his shell more once he got used to his new school

one thing i wish would happened/had happened with this character in canon

other than the obvious answer of seblaine, i wish we got more details with his background and his life than just some one off lines like blaine had SO much potential, but this was kind of a recurring problem with a lot of the characters so he was meant to be cursed i guess

tina cohen-chang

how i feel about this character

honestly i love her. i love all the new directions so like it’s a given but i just love my dramatic over the top emotional teenage girl she’s awful she’s perfect she’s one of the og members she’s a queen

all the people i ship romantically with this character

tike should’ve been endgame they were so cute together i miss them. honestly im not a serious fan of any other tina ships but the nds is a polycule to me so she was def involved in that mess

my non-romantic otp for this character

blamtina, naturally. like i said favorite trio. just a gay and his hag and the guy they both had a crush on, true besties.

my unpopular opinion about this character

i don’t think i have any actually. if i do im unaware that people would disagree with me. the closest i can think of is that i just like her in general cause i know there are probably people who think she’s shitty, but like i agree that her taking advantage of blaine was terrible and disgusting, so like none really

one thing i wish would happened/had happened with this character in canon

i wish they had kept her fashion style more alternative (i don’t know the difference between styles and i don’t know if the costume department knew either, so if im wrong im wrong) i really liked a lot of her old outfits. she looks awesome in the later seasons too and i know people change, but i just miss it

[tinyhousepanther]

Todays I-am-very-high-and-have-recently-rejoined-tumblr-because-I’ve-realized-I-need-more-social-interaction-but-tumblr-is-all-I’ve-got-the-energy-for thought is

… drum roll….

the most personal, soul exposing thing I think I could ever do, would be to let some one go through my ao3 bookmarks, even the private ones…. Like the amount of #asexual ♠️ 🐉🌌who kinda likes monsterfucking vibes but is also a depressed millennial who was into Harry Potter and anime and tumblr of yore. Yeesh, how cringe and vulnerable that would be.

Because I like to write when very high and used to write poetry as a moody teen. A good old internet rant into the void. This will get long and old school text formatting like the book House of Leaves is a thing I really love so weird punctuation and spacing ahead.

Also the recursive footnotes in the bartimaeus series

Also, also recently returned to tumblr… lured like a siren into this hell scape of super niche fandoms…. I blame @strange-aeons for making me nostalgic for this place.

On that note. I am actually editing this but mostly because my brain wanted to add things as I read this over for typos because cringe.

Nostalgia leads to reminiscing. I think it was @blackkatmagic who said in a note, that like some niche pairing of fandom like a ship no one asked for but one person dreamed of and a handful of other people liked, is like being in a little boat with them.

(And I had to go find that post so here it is)

And I really like that idea and I like writing stream of consciousness rants when high and also graphs, like data visualization, because I’m an engineer. So a nerd for Venn diagrams that are cool. Like can I make a web diagram bubble graph combo with bubble size for intensity of interest and lines to show how one community spawned an interest in another community? Maybe throw in a color scale for vibes? Like who are the landmarks I use to remember my internet past. Is this what mark zuckerburg is aiming to make for all of us? Can someone build this digital map of my psyche?

Let’s start listing citations to make this glorious journal paper of a post. Giving @strange-aeons or @danielhowell vibes but also @somemorenews and also @scishow and @fishingboatprocceeds energy.

This is like just feeling the need to give a good old trying to describe a very specific mood rant that live journal used to be for.….

Those vibes somehow. Also of course I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like @tanispodcast or @welcometonightvaletranscripts

Who is in this very niche intersection? How narrow of an audience am I?

Or ,

am I yearning for early days Facebook where you just liked a bunch of shitty pages that were just topics. Like quizilla was a window of my internet childhood/preteen (that’s a lie Neopets was first…….)

Which reminds me to also include @dilfosaur and @drawfee. Why do I love the sonic butthole saga so? Is Todd from Mario made manifest into the universe like a tulpa? Am I getting to last podcast on the left now? Do we need to get a net for me??? 🗑️ trap me under a wastebasket like a cat?

God I feel like I’m trying to write a phd thesis on my personality as described via citations of tumblr blogs and other early internet social media. Can I put footnotes in a tumblr post? No. Does my probably autistic ass want them so I can make a hyper detailed thing fully describes a hyper focus moment? Yes. Can I make a whole power point of just internet citations? Yes. Do I have the energy? No.

Should

Be narrating this? I wish, would be interesting if someone I’m citing replies or interacts with this.

Not to brag, but hey I actually did write a phd thesis and some one said it was good enough to give me a fancy piece of paper. I am doctor. Why am I still sad then? Oh, that’s mental illness right. Another citation for a mood elyse meyers

Is this stream of consciousness prose that I am writing while very high and curled in a blanket on my couch while having been overcome by emotion from a fanfic I was reading about a super random cross over of two media from my childhood? Then yes this is me. I am a garbage gremlin of a person who is shockingly successful in life despite my very fun depression and health issues who has way too many parasocial relationships in proportion to real world actual humans I see and interact with on a daily basis.

Is it not the human experience to try and communicate who we are to the world? The innate desire to be seen and known?

Or is that way to high brow for me just wanting to list a bunch of things I like so when I’m having a bad day I can come to this post and just be like…. Oh yeah I did like that one thing.

Like that one video by Drew/Danny/Kurtis that somehow always makes me laugh. Like that friend I had who I could also make laugh by playing the look at this graph vine? 📊. Yes like that. So this my reminder that hey stuff is good and joyful and cringe sometimes, so on the bad days go look at this stuff. I feel @danielhowell has thoughts on this.

That’s it. I should go to sleep. It’s midnight and I have work tomorrow and my cat is glaring at me because we are not snuggling yet.

P.S.

Tumblr really is just MySpace but somehow worse? Yet it’s what we have.

And really the porn had never left. What were they thinking they could do/are doing about it? Like hello tumblrlive makes this app so nsfw to scroll at work when I’ve got time to kill. But also sometimes I want to look at art someone has posted and I’ve got a notification.

[onlyonewoman]

Yesterday I fucked up

I have ADD and autism. MOST of the time, people tend to not think of it, because I’m quite high functioning, meaning it can sometimes be really frustrating when they underestimate my problems, despite me telling about them repeatedly. Well, yesterday I, a 40-year old woman, who can count the major fights with my hubby over 18 years on our combined fingers. Like, neither of us is the type to be loud and screaming, or ignoring one another. We talk it out and then realise we’re morons, make some more coffee and go about our day. Now, my hubby is neurotypical and I’m very grateful for that. He’s my rock, he has supported me through shitty times, he’s never tried to change the way I am and always respects my personal space. There’s a reason why I waited more than 15 years for him to be ready to get married. The thing is, being generally quite high functioning with two major, invisible disabilities, OFTEN make people assume my difficulties aren’t that bad OR, which is almost as bad, start trying to solve a problem FOR me without my input. The latter was what made me explode yesterday. See, in a few months time, we have to temporarily move out due to a huge renovation which, of course, is stressful, but our landlord is great and things are handled very well. My hubby, who has a great work memory and a lot better planning skills, has been the best by being responsible for gathering the information about the temporary move, calling our landlord etc. This is awesome and I’m SO grateful for that. The problem is, my hubby started to take over A LOT more than I ever said I wanted him to and it all started with our old freezer. You see, generally, I take care of stuff like cleaning the drains, defrosting our freezer, the laundry etc. by myself, and our old freezer that will be exchanged to a new one after the renovations, is... fucked up. So, naturally, I wanted to defrost our big freezing box that we bought two years ago. i also wanted to collect a bunch of old books to get to second hand and place them in a box. My hubby said no to me starting with the books and that just... stopped my flow, but I figured I could start with the freezer instead and then he came in and said no, like... Like I was a child messing up the kitchen, instead of a grown ass woman who knows exactly what she’s doing. I LOST it. And I mean REALLY lost it. I kicked our piles with folded laundry around and wiped down everything on the top of our bureou in the hallway (nothing that could be borken, thankfully) and then I just left, slamming the door REALLY hard and running out in the middle of the night. It was awful and it’s one of only two major autistic meltdowns I’ve ever displayed as an adult. I scared the living hell out of my husband and, which I feel VERY guilty about: he was scared I’d turn violent. I’ve not been violent to anyone since I was ten or something and I grew up in a family where my parents and older sibling unfortunately often had HUGE fights where no one could control their temper or voice - and things DID turn violent at times too. It was absolutely awful that I showed the same signs of uncontrolled anger as I had experienced - and been SO scared of - as a child. So that was on me, completely, and i apologised profusely when I came back and we finally could talk.

No excuse for that.

Now we come to WHY I acted out like that.

My husband treated me like a child and very casually told me no about something I wanted to do that:

1. I had every right to do. 2. Was very much capable of doing. 3. Didn’t require his help or input.

He didn’t suggest or ask me not to defrost the freezer, he said “we’re not doing that now”.

There’s a HUGE difference between “I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that now” and “we’re not doing that now”.

The first one is an opinion from one adult to another, the second one is a child being told no from an adult. In that moment, I very much felt like I was treated like an unreasonable child, by an adult who thought I couldn’t take care of things I’ve done plenty. My husband, on the other hand, thought he was helping and didn’t understand that his “we’re not doing that now” didn’t come out like a question AT ALL, but a casual order, a “no” to a stupid child. THAT, more than anything, caused my crash and burn. But the worst of it, was that I didn’t think twice about how absolutely insane it was for me to take orders from him, let alone him giving them. My brain immediately went to “I’m not being heard = he doesn’t listen = he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m autistic = he doesn’t trust me to make decisions = he thinks it’s just fine for him to tell me no like I’m a child”. Enter cause and effect: absolute explosion. He thought he was helping me by not having me take on more work: I thought he was telling me I couldn’t be trusted to defrost the fucking freezer. Eventually we managed to talk it out properly and we’re fine now, but we both take responsibility for our different fuckups. He, by listening to me and admitting that just because defrosting the big freezer seemed unnecessary and/or difficult to HIM, it was neither of those things to ME. And so he apologised for making unilateral decisions about things I didn’t need his input for. I, in turn, apolgised both for blowing up so much, for throwing things around and for scaring him. Today, he made a check off list for things needing to be done before the move and put up on the refrigerator so I could have control too and I made a nice dinner and raspberry pie to make up some for scaring him.

It was a shitty experience for both of us, to say the least, but it also came out with some good things:

1. He realised he doesn’t have to handle all the planning alone. 2. I realised what I saw as patronizing, was a genuine attempt at helping. 3. He understood that a major thing like a move, REQUIRES me being in control on MY terms - of course as long as it doesn’t cause him problems and vice verca. 4. I defrosted the motherfucking freezer today and showed him first hand how damn stupid he was for trying to talk me out of it in the first place. Moral of the story? Don’t treat a disabled person like a child, unless you’re prepared to take a fullblown meltdown.

[youhavetogotocollege]

dating, etc

dating an artist with genuine talent might be one of the most infuriating things in the world. not because he's entitled or because he's snobby, but because he's better than me. in nearly every sense of the world he is better than me and that fucking sucks. he's smart, talented, funny, artistic, has sort of okay social skills, is reassuring...need i go on. he's currently listening to me write this and butting in every five seconds saying "you're all of those things" and "you really, really are" and "you're fantastic" and everything under the sun that could be related to that sentiment. maybe he's right, but i will never be able to admit that to myself. if i were to, you'd have to torture it out of me. now, dear audience, why am i breaking my three day silence to complain about my relationship, you ask? well, because i can. sorry, that was bitchy. or maybe it wasn't, who really cares at this point? i think my brain actually hates me. my boyfriend just said that he thinks that i'm a genius. who's gonna tell him that i want to stab myself repeatedly in the eyes and ears and mouth and nose (head, shoulders, knees, and toes, if you will) until my brain—and all other related aspects of my anatomy—turns into mush.

"do you really think that dating me is infuriating?" "well, you're better than me so..." "no i'm not." "well i can't draw for shit so yknow." "well i can't write." "well kill yourself."

that last part did not happen, but it would be funny if it did. i think dryly telling people to kill themselves is peak comedy, i guess. anyway. love my boyfriend to death, but i wish that when i looked at the things that i do in comparison to the things that he does, i could say that i have as many accomplishments as him. how many times has this motherfucker had his work published in a (school) newspaper? many more times than me, that's for sure. i guess you could count my "poem" that i wrote in junior year that was later put into a book that was sold on amazon exclusively by my school's 2020 valedictorian published, but i honestly don't know if that counts. it's something, i suppose. i just wish that i could use the power that i have as a microcelebrity in the chicano journalism community's nepotism grandchild to my advantage when it came to writing and putting myself out there, but i honestly don't think the chicano journalism community wants to hear my depressing, disorder, dystopian bullshit. i don't even write about being chicano anymore because i don't even know if i count.

my boyfriend has been silent for some time, dearest audience. i think it's because i've been droning on and on and on about my shitty, boring life. i don't think that me reading my own fucking diary entry out loud is his idea of a good date. honestly, i think it sounds like a nightmare for all parties involved. too bad, so sad, my name is not brad, whatever whatever whatever. i'm going to go back to actually communicating with my boyfriend now, because i'm bored of writing and of thinking and of breathing and i want him to shower me in compliments that i will brush off while hiding my face in my hands because god forbid he knows i appreciate the words that he says to me. haha, that's a joke. i hope you guys don't think that i'm a total cunt to my boyfriend, i'm just autistic and have a personality disorder. maybe that will be the death of me and they can write on my gravestone "rip [redacted], the biggest cunt in southern california's sweaty ass crack". anyway. that's all i have to say now. goodbye, audience of very few.