#& that good shit has to be worth it like we literally are so fucking unwell we can't put it into words anymore

[ozlices]

we can't get our meds until tomorrow now. literally just wanna jump out our window at this point like we have constant shit weighing on us as it is already & STILL get MORE shit constantly piled on literally what the fuck is it gonna take for us to be granted a goddamn break. we are stretched so fucking thin we have meltdowns & instant spirals over the tiniest, most insignificant thing. we are NOT okay in the slightest & the most unstable we've probably ever been & STILL keep getting pushed like. we're trying so hard not to become bitter but it's rly fucking hard not to. this year has been so fucking absurdly ruthless & merciless we have been ripped to shreds so many times this year alone we've lost count. when the fuck is this endless fucked up loop going to give & let us fucking GO.

[shego1142]

So to begin with there’s a lot of merit to “water is wet” type studies, which is that researching things that “seem obvious” is good for documenting stuff that might otherwise not be provable or useful later on when the “obviousness” has been lost to time.

Remember how no one knew how to make ancient concrete because it was “so obvious” that it was mixed with sea water it wasn’t worth writing down? Yeah, always write everything down. In triplicate or more so.

But also this isn’t just some big own to the maga cult

This is like… an actual serious and real issue. Trump is quite literally a BITE model cult leader and he is preying on the underprivileged, and the poor (as well as the abused) to lead his cult.

Am I saying all maga enthusiasts are poor little babies who can’t help themselves? No. Obviously I’m not. Also this doesn’t apply to all of trumps followers either, a LARGE percentage of them are actually very smart and very wealthy and they know that Trump is going to cater to the very wealthy elites.

But this isn’t about them.

This is about your great grandma who wasn’t able to finish school past 5th grade because she had to get married to someone 4 times her age and she was pregnant by the time she was 12. She isn’t really into politics and doesn’t understand most of what they’re saying when it comes to legal jargon, but her pastor tells her that Trump is an honest good hearted man, and she guesses that she doesn’t need to know much else.

This is about your paranoid and delusional uncle who had to take time off school to go to a mental hospital but he never really got better because mental hospitals are underfunded and oftentimes corrupt and he fell down a rabbit hole where he got redpilled so hard he doesn’t know which way is up and the maga cult has convinced him that he’s “more fun at parties when he doesn’t take those liberal pills.” He needs help, genuine professional help, but he’s stuck in a position where the only possible opportunity he has is to get worse.

This is about your mom, who does know it’s wrong, who is put on edge by trumps chauvinism and doesn’t really thing anything is wrong with a book about gay penguins, but the ever growing array of bruises on her arms, the black eyes and broken noses that she hides with sunglasses, the words “you shall not tell a lie” and “you must obey your husband” has her terrified that Susie May at the local polling station will be a Nosy Nancy and word will get back to your dad.

I’m not saying we should coddle people and absolve them of their crime, far from it.

But, in the words of Kamala herself, we exist in the context of what came before us.

It is absolutely ridiculous to pretend that Trumpism isn’t a failing of society as a whole.

People slipped through the cracks, communities have let the mentally unwell go without help, not having different options for education (we all know public schools have the potential to be fucked up beyond belief but it’s all anyone can afford

We can’t just say “haha you’re stupid!” And pretend like this isn’t a reflection of our society and the way it works. We can’t pretend that this isn’t incredibly sad. Or that it wasn’t intentional.

A lot of otherwise good people who are broken, beaten down, uneducated, and or don’t know how to deal with their emotions are following Trump because they are angry and they want their lives to change. They’re quite literally in a cult. They’re scared, paranoid, they’ve been lied to and controlled and manipulated. Many, many maga cult members are well and truly brainwashed and genuinely wouldn’t be making the decisions they’re making if they received the help and care they need.

Yes they’re are absolutely still the “leopards eating my face” club.

No I’m not saying that they should be allowed to get away with the shit they get away with, they’re doing horrible things and voting for horrible people who do horrible things.

But we have got to be more aware and more vocal about the fact that they’re in a dangerous and deeply harmful cult.

The first step to leaving a cult is understanding that you’re directly being hurt by said cult.

Most people who are trapped in cults don’t even realise they’re in a cult.

If we were able to raise enough money for your granddad to retire happily from his predatory 5 days a week 12 hour shifts at Walmart where he gets screamed at all day, little to no break, and isn’t allowed to sit down, he’d probably be way less likely to vote for Trump.

If your mom was able to get out of the harmful and abusive environment she’s grown up with and have breathing room, without being monitored 24/7, she probably wouldn’t vote for Trump.

The good ole southern boy just turned 18 who’s been in the closet ever since his daddy beat him for wearing his mom’s lipstick when he was 5 probably wouldn’t vote for Trump if he had the means of getting away from his parents but his dad’s the football coach and the history teacher and their underfunded home town public school had Trump merch hanging up in every other classroom, and the homework assignment come November is to tell everyone who you voted for and why.

My point is just that when Trump finally dies there will be a lot of people who will suddenly and without warning just… return to normal. It will literally be very weird for anyone with Trump supporting loved ones.

I’ve sat down and talked to my mom at length about why she wants to vote for Trump, when he’s so much like all the men in her life who’ve done nothing but abuse her.

She flat out said that he’s like her dad, and she said that her dad would have voted for him despite being a democrat.

Her dad physically, emotionally and sexually abused her, her older sister, her younger brothers as well as her mom, starting when she was as young as 3 and continuing for 5 years or more.

She wants her dad (who was abusive and has been dead for years) to be proud of her. To love her like he was meant to.

It’s genuinely a sickness.

I’m not saying that you have to play nicely with Trump supporters or anything.

Like, fuck that, go curb stomp nazis, call them weird and make fun of them if they’re being assholes to you or other people. It works.

But if you’ve ever met someone who’s an absolute sweetheart and wondered why or how seemingly nice people could be persuaded by the worst of the worst?

It’s because it’s a cult. Cults prey on uneducated people and that is not an own, that is a condemnation of society.

We owe it to our children, our friends, our families, our neighbours, to make sure that going forward people are far less desperate.

Check in on your loved ones, try to get the elderly or the mentally unwell people in your life out of the house and doing hobbies other than watching Fox News. Be a friend to the lost looking teens who have nowhere to go and nothing to do but be yelled at by their parents.

[ariyadaivaris]

- christ i hate smug mma dudes more than anything on this earth. you're a man doing mma what do you have to be excited about? washing out of ufc and having to resort to a dying professional wrestling company? the systematic oppression of women? the paul brothers? i'm putting nails in your shoes

- the rare and coveted tshirt ariya. phwew he's really uh. he's very. twirls hair. he's kinda

- ariya using a rose metaphor for himself teehee i love being very smart and always right about everything

- "i guess you don't think tony can do it on his own aye" is soooooo so so far from anything that has ever happened between tony and ariya that it's LAUGHABLE. ariya deserves to laugh in his face. cringe and fail broadway-musical-rock-of-ages-male-lead-understudy looking little man. no i'm gonna argue with the kayfabe enemy actually the WHOLE THING up to this point has been ariya trying to prove himself and the subtle tension of tony becoming champion where ariya never has, the only the ONLY time ariya has ever not believed in tony is when he had a full on spiral breakdown towards the beginning of the year when they were questioning splitting them up again for some fucking reason and then it got retconned because DUHHHHHH why would you ever split tony and ariya up just for fun or a giggle when they;ve got the most complex relationship on 205 if you re*you walk away knowing all of this already because you have heard this every week for the last three years but you can still hear me talking in the distance, talking and talking though no one is there...*

- obsessed with this promo actually...ariya's mannerisms are so good he's SO...FUN. i LOVE watching him. he is so self-assured and so charming and there is so obviously so much frustration buried like, an INCH deep beneath all of it. it takes grey pushing him ONCE for him to lose his verve. im SO interested in this

- the thread here is, of course, "you think tony can't do it on his own?" which, as i've stated, is so far from true or what ariya thinks that it's comic. when ariya spits, "of COURSE tony nese can do it on his own", there are a lot of factors at play. when he concedes that maybe instead of going out there, he WILL stay backstage, there's a lot going on there!!! there IS!!! *voice of an unwell person* there IS a lot going on   - tony doesn't need to prove he can do it on his own, because he already has. ariya's storyline...like i mentioned, he had a weird moment at the beginning of the year, when it seemed like maybe he and tony were going to be split up. that was very much a moment of "okay the writing might change so it's time to set something up" of course but i think it's interesting to think about as a character impulse.   ariya is working to prove he can do things on his own. this has BEEN his thing. he and tony are a team again, but ariya's tried to win with other teams and he's tried to win alone, and though he's successful more often than 205 would have you believe, he's still very shaky. tony has been allowed to work outside of the orbit of other people, and ariya hasn't gotten that chance as much. and, besides that, tony doesn't CARE about it in the same way ariya does. tony...when he gets intense, it's about interpersonal stuff. drew, buddy, cedric, akira, swerve. tony competes with people! ariya competes with himself. does that make sense. i know what i mean. its fine   ariya...is on edge. he likes tony and he likes working with tony, but he hasn't been a competitor like tony is. tony's been very accomodating, stepping back or supporting ariya's feuds and allowing him to do What He Needs To Do, which means ariya can try to work alone without going completely rogue and sabotaging shit. when he tried to cut himself off from tony, it was...well it was retconned. but. that's what he's done before and this time it didn't work because ONE it's just tony and ariya, there's no exacerbating force, and TWO, tony and ariya are, after all, friends. tony wants to be friends with ariya and it is hard work to be friends with ariya but he will do it. so they work it out. and ariya is left feeling very very weird about it, and very very aware of how much he kind of depends on tony, when tony doesn't depend on him, at all. ariya tries to protect tony and gas him up and keep an eye on him to make up for All That He's Done Before and to feel like this friendship is two-sided (which it is, of course, friendship is more than a strategic advantage but that's how ariya's always approached it and it's a hard habit to break), but he doesn't have the wins to back up the feeling of being Worth It as a friend.   it's...i feel like i just sound out of my gourd saying all of this lol and i am. but when ariya bitterly says, "of course tony nese can do it on his own." it's not just the anger at grey being a dickhead towards tony. it's also ariya being painfully aware that tony can do it without ariya's help. there's a threat in that statement, that question that doesn't need to be asked. there's an irony to it. its...think about it this way: if tony was talking to grey about watching ariya's match, grey wouldn't snark about if tony thought ariya could do it. you know?

- that doesnt make sense. whatever <3 im free

- wow love seeing kushida defending the title. imagine if that happened.....on.......205 live

- ariya literally getting successfully talked out of watching tony's match because he wants to show he believes in tony :( i'm hurt...i'm so hurt. so fucked up and twisted. by GREY too, ariya has kind of a BIT with grey huh. him cheating to pin ariya and then going noooo cheating is wrong against all other opponents. the way grey is super hypocritical and shitty to him and then to no one else. ariya almost respecting him for what ariya understands as Someone Who Gets It and then revealing oh no i just really don't like you and want to piss you off. this one dude who keeps targetting ariya specifically in all the ways that most drive ariya into a frenzy and he managed to hit him where it hurts the most enough to drive him into hiding. oughhhh aughhhh   - everyone on 205 being a hater for no reason and seeing ariya trying to deal with his Issues(TM): hm. i can make him worse

- SUNFLOWER JACKET!!!!!!!! SUNFLOWER JIRO. PRECIOUS AND BELOVED. KING AMONG ALL CRUISERWEIGHTS. I DONT KNOW WHO ARIYA IS

- the exaggerated "BOO!""YAY!" cheers for jiro. who am i to say he doesn't deserve them. he DOES. we LOVE jiro. jiro is allowed to homewreck gold standard if he wants to i'll pretend not to see

- UNBREAKABLE!! AUGHHH HE'S SO COOL AND FUN AND HIS MIND IS SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. jiro has such a fucking bonkers sense of like...dragging a move out. that man can MAKE a sequence! he gets the upper hand and he holds onto it for ages and the entire time its never dull. always with the momentum! always with the visualization of everything around him and how to make it into a show. i just simply think that jiro kuroshio

- HE'S DYINGGGGGGG NOOOOOOOO JIRO. TONY NESE YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. he looks great at this angle though love you weirdo. oh NO your jacket is NOT cool enough to pull this off fkshsdskd  - jiro injecting some MUCH needed humor back into 205 thank you so much

- tony's stupid joth uniform next to jiro's sunflower pattern is SO good. fuckin goth v prep diagram dynamic. creamsicle blogging moments

- OH I LOVE A GOOD PIN. we LOVE a good pin don't we. that kick to tony on the apron ROCKS

- clearly you don't own an air fryer...

- OH HIS FORM IS FUCKING UNREAL. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!! JIRO KUROSHIO BABEY

- i REALLY like this match. this is 205 to me

- IS THAT A 205 CHANT??? IS THAT A 205 CHANT I HEAR??? OH????? WORM????? ITS BEEN LIFETIMES....................

- ooohohohoohohHOOO tony's recovery from the moonsault. that was. dare i say. Epic

- JIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- jiro treating mister nese like a little football. sorry anthony. perhaps you should just be cooler <3

- THAT WAS SO FUN......what a meaty episode this week. harkens back to 205 of old.............i love it. im loving this energy. jiro kuroshio you are going to save 205 i believe it

[olivieblake]

I have gained so much weight this year and just been so sluggish and lazy since all I’ve been doing is staying at home. I can’t even look in the mirror without crying and judging myself holy shit. I tried fixing it but my weight just keeps going up and it sucks watching other girls get their body right while i feel sorry for myself. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other girls especially our bodies but this is so hard 😭

:( hi honey

so look, I think you and I both know there’s not a lot anyone can say to make you feel better. idk if you’re still under strict stay-at-home orders like I am, but I’m going to assume that a lot of the change in behaviors that led to this sense of inadequacy is pandemic-influenced and therefore your options are limited, either by your own ethics (good for you for staying home!) or by something outside of your control. and girl, I feel you

before quarantine started I was taking boxing and muay thai classes four times a week plus two days of additional cardio, all of which kept my body in relatively excellent shape and also gave my mind a constant outlet—stress relief, endorphins, a sense of accomplishment, all that jazz that I’ve now lost. what’s funny to me (aka hideously ironic) is that I probably still thought I could stand to lose 5 pounds back then, even though now I’d do basically anything to have that body back.

anyway I know that discouraged, defeated feeling of looking at yourself and not recognizing your body anymore, but truthfully, your body has had to change its shape to accommodate your changing mind. if you’re anything like me, it’s not an issue of laziness. it’s that my mind is so fucking fragile that the last time I went for a run and got catcalled in a way that made me feel unsafe—AND I came across 2 dead rats and a dead possum which is just coincidentally upsetting—I was too shaken to attempt it again without crying. mr blake has been kind enough to suggest we go for a walk every morning together, which is very helpful, but not the same as the kind of workouts I was getting before. I feel so much resentment about my body, but I also know that there’s only so hard I can push before I break. I am unwell, and particularly so right now—loss of self-worth is a common symptom of depression, and whether you’re accustomed to feeling that, you almost certainly are right now.

also, I know that feeling fat equates to being literally worth less in this world, but that is useless social programming. the world hates a woman who takes up more space than she ought to! how dare she eat to please herself? how dare she forgive herself for being less active when the male gaze gains nothing for her clemency? if she is not sexually desirable, what use does she have to us? are all questions that should really only go so far. if it’s a matter of eating poorly (like, literal vitamins), I think you can find a way to nourish yourself better. if it’s a matter of being less willing to spend your time pushing your body to its physical limits, can you really blame yourself for that? you are going through trauma in a time of extreme global anxiety. many have died. the world is mourning except for those who pointedly aren’t, and the systemic flaws we might have ignored a little longer are making us feel more disenfranchised and raw. I know I hate myself a little more each time I’m like oh fuck my fucking calves are being squeezed into these jeans, but seriously, what good does my hating myself do for anyone? 

it is an act of defiance to like yourself. it is revolutionary to decide that gaining weight cannot take your value from you. you were born with that value and it is yours, so don’t let anyone—especially you—rob you of your right to see yourself beyond what shape you take. 

2 additional facts:

comparison is the thief of joy

social media is a performance

it’s so easy to forget that people curate their lives in a very particular way on social media. it’s easy to look at women who are in “better” shape than you and think okay, I must be the only one drowning. and yes, some people are being “open” about this time, but can anyone truly share the reality of their personal experience? nobody can express what they’re really going through on the mass stage of social media, even if they try to tell you. they’re still speaking from the lens of their experience, not yours, and comparing yourself to them is unlikely to equate to the value of taking solace in genuine friendship, love, or support. what you need is real people, real relationships, and though I know that is especially hard right now, I also know for sure that social media will only exacerbate your sense of inadequacy and/or loneliness.

I will probably talk about this more on monday, since I don’t really want to talk for long but we probably all need some kind of pep talk (honestly, me most of all). anyway I know this probably isn’t enough to make you feel better for the next month, but maybe for the next hour? I think we’re in a place where we should just take those moments of relief when we can find them... 

[owletstarlet]

ffxv- forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue- chapter 1

“The next block over from here there’s this great little—ohmygods, you’re the Prince.”

Well, fuck.

“Says who?” Noctis counters, tiredly.

“Says your face,” the guy sputters.

(or, the Moulin-Rouge-flavored AU that nobody asked for. Ao3 link in the notes.) 

The table’s sticky, Noctis realizes too late as he’s peeling the sleeve of his jacket off of it. Drink’s not bad, though. Sweeter than he was expecting, but with enough of a paint-thinner aftertaste to it that he knows it’s doing its job. And literally nobody’s giving him a second glance at the moment, either, and that’s more than worth the very specific pitch of this music that’s sort of chipping away at his skull, or the vaguely harrowing feeling of so many bodies packed into one room.

“Not your thing, huh?”

Shit.

Noctis doesn’t turn, doesn’t give him more than a sidelong once-over to make sure he shouldn’t be imminently getting the hells out of here. He doesn’t take in much more than a shock of blond hair, a clipboard, a pair of glasses.

It’s probably fine.

Noctis doesn’t confirm or deny it, just sort of waves a hand at the commotion on the stage. “It’s a lot of…” Thrusting, his brain supplies, helpfully. Body glitter.

“It’s definitely ‘a lot of’ a lot of things.” The guy sounds amused.

“Hm.”

“…not much of a talker, are you?”

Noct bites the inside of his cheek, keeps his face neutral, hears a voice from somehwere between his ears that sounds an awful lot like Gladio’s reminding him that just because he’s in a shitty mood doesn’t mean he should be shitty for no reason to people that aren’t. Damn but this guy’s got a chipper voice, though.

“Well,” said guy goes on, “if you came to see Nea, I can go and—”

The rest of his words are cut off by a bang that Noctis feels as much as he hears, that has him halfway out of his seat with his heart suddenly rammed up his throat before he realizes that it was the sound of an elbow coming down hard on the table.

“Ah—shit, sorry ‘bout that!”

When Noctis turns to face him fully then, it’s to find the guy propped up on his elbow on the table, looking startled himself.

Noctis gets a better look at him, frowns. “Are you okay?”

He looks very much not Lucian, Noctis thinks, Niff maybe, if the light hair and eyes are anything to go by, and the freckles that stand out like pinpricks under the colorful lights. But a good chunk of the clientele around them look like foreigners, so do more than half the performers onstage at the moment. Not unusual, considering the district Noctis had wandered into not entirely on purpose.

His face looks open and friendly, but he seems distinctly unwell—there’s something sunken and shadowy in the corners of his face, in the hollows of his eyes and under his cheekbones. Noctis can’t tell if his pallor is just from the lights just washing him out, but it’s definitely not hot enough in here for him to be sweating like that. His hoodie hangs off his shoulders a bit, and it looks like his hair had been carefully gelled up at some point, but had gotten rumpled and half-deflated like he’d slept on it. His fringe is sticking to his forehead, hanging a bit in front of the thick-rimmed glasses.

“Yup,” he’s saying, a smile slotting into place that seems unforced but a little incongruous. “Yeah. Head rush, is all. Sorry.” He’s perched on the stool across from Noctis now, sliding his clipboard onto the table. His arm is trembling, very slightly, where it’s resting on the table.

Noctis feels his mouth twist, and he slides the still-untouched ice water they’d brought him across the table.

The guy blinks, looks at the water and then Noctis’ face, smile slipping into something marginally less comfortable. “Oh. Nah, you’re good, dude. Thanks. Just. Gimme a sec?”

“Sure,” Noctis says. He doesn’t take the water back. He peers down at the clipboard. It’s not anything comprehensible to him, a lot of x’s and arrows, circles and boxes, only a few words scrawled illegibly into the margins here and there. “You working?” he asks.

“Ah, yeah,” the guy says, tilting the clipboard a bit so he can see it better. “It’s choreography. Kind of. Nothing super inspired tonight, though.”

“Oh. So…dancing?”

“Yup.” He jabs a thumb at the stage, expression settling into something much more relaxed, if a bit sheepish. “I’m supposed to be up there right now, actually, but. My stomach’s being kinda weird, and I don’t think people are paying to see me puke all over everyone else, so. Dahlia stepped in for me.” He points to center stage, where a now very much topless woman with dark lipstick and a halo of brown curls is doing something that looks physically impossible involving a folding chair. “It was her night off and all, too.”

Noctis looks from the woman on the stage, to this disheveled guy who looks like he’s going to pitch over in his seat, and back again. He must be pretty obvious about it, because the guy chuckles a bit. “Uh-huh. Hard to believe, right? I promise I clean up nicer than this.”

And Noctis genuinely has no idea what to say to that. He takes a sip of his drink.

“Uh. You know, if this isn’t your scene, and you weren’t here to see Nea, there’s quieter places to go get plastered around here. And cheaper. The next block over from here there’s this great little—ohmygods, you’re the Prince.”

Well, fuck.

“Says who?” Noctis counters, tiredly.

“Says your face,” the guy sputters. After a pause, adds: “And the fact that you keep checking if your drink is spiked.” He taps the tabletop with one finger, where two little plastic tabs are lying used, the pale blue color of one end indicating safety.

Noctis resists the urge to roll his eyes; takes another, much larger gulp of the aforementioned drink. He’d had the tabs in his wallet.

“I can, like…leave now. If you want.” He’s already standing up, and already catching himself on the edge of the table with one hand.

“What? No, you’re—”

“There you are, asshole.” A heavy hand on his shoulder, then Noctis is wheeling around to look up at a very unimpressed-looking Gladio.

“Uh-huh,” Noctis mutters. “Here I am.”

Honestly, Noctis thinks he ought to be impressed with himself that he got as much time as he did, considering the genius move of having used his subway card when he’d taken off out of sheer muscle memory. He’d left his phone—and its state-of-the-art tracking capabilities—charging by his bed, though, and he’d gotten three entire hours out of it. It probably would’ve been less if he hadn’t wandered for 20 minutes after getting off at a completely random subway station, or had tried to go somewhere quieter and more predictable than this, with less flashy neon or people losing their clothes.

“Who’s blondie?” Gladio asks, raising an eyebrow. “You work here?”

The blondie in question’s eyes go very round—a pretty common reaction to Gladio’s entire everything, really. “Uh-huh.” To his credit, his voice cracks only very slightly. “I dance.”

Gladio gives him an appraising look, glances at the stage, then shrugs. “Oh,” is all he says. “Nice.” If doesn’t believe it, he gives no indication.

“Uh. Are you a bodyguard or something?”

Gladio’s eyes narrow at Noctis, who just shrugs—the jig’s up. “Or something,” he parrots. “Speaking of,” he adds, rounding on Noctis, voice dropping into a growl, “I don’t have to tell you what a fucking security nightmare this is.”

“Yup.” He makes no move to stand. “Planning on telling my dad? Or yours?”

He scoffs. “Y’know, getting my own ass kicked over this might just be worth watching you get grounded like a high schooler playing hooky.”

“Do it, then.”

They both know he won’t. Check and mate.

“We’re leaving,” he says, shoving at Noct’s shoulder. “Iggy’s waiting in the car.” A pause, and his face changes. “You know he’s planning on apologizing to you. And if you don’t say it back, I’m gonna kick your teeth in. You were being a dick.”

“Yeah, well.” Noct would contend he wasn’t the only one, but he was the one that went AWOL and probably (absolutely) gave them both an aneurysm over it, and had them crossing half the city to find him. Which constitutes a dick move. That hadn’t been the point, though; the point had been the bone-deep urge to just be away, just for a bit, before he could say anything else he’d regret. But he could stand to apologize to the both of them for the runaround, at least.

Gladio’s giving him a long, hard look, now. “Fine,” Noctis mumbles, fishing out his wallet.

“On the house.” The words are abrupt, a little too loud to be warranted despite the room’s overall noise level, and Gladio and Noct both look over at him.

“Uh, I mean. It’s covered. You can go.”

“Okay.” Gladio raises an eyebrow. “Thanks. Got a name, kid?” Noct knows it’s less out of actual interest and more as a rote point of security; if anybody needed to be questioned later on, they’d have a starting point.

“It’s Prompto.”

***

This time, Noct drove. Gladio had worked out pretty quick where they were headed when Noct suggested they go for drinks after they’d trained late.

Gladio doesn’t have to be thrilled about it. But at the very least, Noct’s got some supervision, this time around.

He should’ve put up more of a fight, probably, but it’s not like he could’ve stopped the damned car.

And here they are. Club Aurentia, the sign cheerily proclaims, complete with a flickering neon clementine in the corner. The building’s old, not exactly dilapidated but definitely not retro-on-purpose. Plenty of people are coming and going through the tarnished brass doors, or milling about outside, even on a weeknight.

“You do know how very obviously a brothel this joint is, right.” No shade, just a statement of fact.

Noct huffs a short sigh through his nose, drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “Yeah. Iggy was pretty damn clear on that point. Not like that’s why we’re here.”

“Still don’t get why it’s gotta be we anyways. If you’re really that worried about the tab for one drink, it’s not like it’d take both of us to go settle it.”

Noct just shrugs.

Fucker.

It’s not like it’s a bad idea to make sure the charge is covered, arguably worth the trip across the city, even; if he’d been recognized they didn’t need anyone claiming that the Prince is the type to skip out on a bill. The employee had seemed like a decent enough guy, and herding Noct back to the car had been a more pressing priority at the time than any overpriced cocktail. But yeah, ideally, better to head off the issue.

Which is a one-person job.

“This about that kid from the other night? You worried or something?”  

Or something.

Huh.

Noct makes a noncommittal sound, suddenly seeming quite fascinated by a loose thread on his sleeve. “I mean, if he’s there we might as well thank him.”

“Fine. But you know you’re not here to socialize though, right. We pay, we leave. You already got recognized once, and if word gets out you already know who’s gonna wind up doing the damage control. With time he doesn’t have.”

The Citadel’s entire team of publicists aren’t worth shit by comparison, honestly. And just because Iggy doesn’t exactly know they’re here right now doesn’t mean there’s not an 80-20 chance he’ll figure it out anyways, even if precisely nothing happens.

“I know,” Noct mutters, and for whatever it’s worth it sounds like he does in fact know. And probably still feels like an ass for blowing up at Iggy the other day.

Which, good.

Gladio sighs, yanks open the car door. “We going, or what?”

***

The lobby’s not as packed as it was before—that was Saturday night, and it’s Tuesday now—but there’s still a good line snaking its way up to the ticket counter. Looks like a working-class crowd for the most part; the easy chatter between friends or coworkers washing over the narrow space. And Noct doesn’t exactly look out of place; he’s in a hoodie and jeans that don’t look as expensive as they are, and there’s about as many Lucians here as foreigners. But he looks stiff and ill-at-ease on the old chintzy carpet, staring off into nothing, the yellowed light from both the dusty chandelier overhead as well as the strands of what look like multicolored Solstice lights on the far wall glinting off his hair.

Gladio elbows him. “What, you nervous?”

“About what?” Noct shoots back, under his breath.

“Exactly.”

***

“Actually, we’re here to settle a bill.”

The woman selling the tickets raises one pristinely-shaped eyebrow at them, before wordlessly waving them over towards the other woman behind the desk. She looks foreign, too; ivory skin standing out starkly against her black blouse, slate-gray hair pinned back into a complicated updo.

She glances up from her clipboard, green eyes flat and hard as she takes them in. “Yeah?”

She doesn’t say anything for a long moment after Gladio repeats himself, but her gaze immediately flicks towards Noct, and narrows.

“You here to see Prompto?”

Gladio shrugs, not sure if it’s hilarious or worrying that the kid had obviously gone and told his supervisor. “Nah, we’ll just—”

“He’s on in ten,” she says, abruptly, cutting him off. “You wanna talk, you’ll have to wait. And he’s booked up tonight, so make it quick. That is if he’s up for it.” She turns, calls over her shoulder. “Biggs.”

The guy who emerges from the door behind her has an easy stance, a relatively friendly expression, but he’s keen-eyed, and the jacket that’s one size too big would suggest he’s packing.

“There’s no loitering in my lobby. Front section’s a hundred crown each. Nobody’ll bother you there, Highness.”

Noct, to his credit, doesn’t visibly react to his title. But it is very clear he wasn’t planning on having to sit through another show. “No, it’s fine, I’ve got the nine crown for the drink.”

“Biggs’ll go with you, make sure you’re left alone,” she says, tone banking no argument, before pointedly turning on her heel and striding through the door behind her.

That’s that, then. If they hang around out here any longer, Noct definitely is gonna get recognized.

There’s worse ways to spend the evening, Gladio thinks as they follow Biggs through the double doors. As long as this guy doesn’t try shoot them in the head point blank in front of a large crowd of spectators, Gladio’s pretty damn sure he could take him down if he needed to.

But Noct looks downright pained as he takes his seat at their table, ten feet from the stage.

“Think she just wanted our money,” Gladio tells him, grabbing the menu and scanning it. Drinks are off the table (for him, at least, though Noct looks like he’s gonna need to knock back at least three to survive the next forty-five minutes), but a plate of wings doesn’t sound half bad.

Noct doesn’t respond. Neither does Biggs, but Gladio hears his soft snort.

***

It’s a good time, really. Dizzying sprays of confetti, bass-heavy radio remix after remix he can feel in his gut, and the loose effortless charm of a dozen guys and girls in various states of undress.

He can see why Prompto’s their headliner. It’s not even that he’s the most eye-catching, really, though he is hardly recognizable compared to the bedraggled, barely-upright kid they’d met the other night--either he’s better now, or he’s buried those dark circles under a shitload of concealer. It’s the precision of his movements, the lightning-quick steps, fluid grace that’s impossible to look away from.

Noct’s certainly looking.

“Flexible little guy, isn’t he,” Gladio says, applauding at the end of a number.

“Hm.”

Noct’s still tensed up, very much so, fingers gripping the table’s edge so hard it might disintegrate, so obviously out-of-sync with the entire situation that Gladio was going to take mercy on him and suggest they take off once they’d eaten, bill be damned.

But he hasn’t taken his eyes off Prompto once.

“You smitten yet?” he asks, snatching another wing off the plate and double checking the exits—nobody’s come or gone—then glancing over at Biggs. Biggs just gives him an even look right back; he doesn’t seem to particularly mind that he’s being surveilled, and Gladio’s sure the guy’s doing the same to him.

Noct flips him off, gulps his drink. The next number starts.

It makes sense this kid’s a choreographer, he thinks. He knows what he’s doing. Gladio might not know shit about dance aside from the obligatory ballroom stuff he’d been made to practice with Iris as a kid to get them both through boring state functions, but he definitely knows a thing or two about controlled, deliberate movement.

Movement which, at the moment, apparently includes jutting out your hips gratuitously and feeling up your own ass.

He does look good, though, dancing aside; hair meticulously gelled into a perfect swoop, hoops in his ears, bits of gold leaf stuck around his eyes. He’s not tall, but he’s got a dancer’s build, lithe and strong, and those heels aren’t hurting any. The outfit’s some drapey orange and gold lamé situation, complete with shorts that look painted on him, strategically placed rhinestones and body glitter scattered across his skin.

It takes a few minutes to notice the scars. The few spots on his back, a handful across his arms and legs. It’s not the color of the skin—it’s obviously concealed, and the light catches the sparkly bits of him just right to draw the eye away—but skin pulls and puckers sometimes, just slightly, not quite moving with the rest of him. Gods know that outfit’s not covering much, but he’s the only one who’s not shedding any layers up here, and Gladio wonders if there’s more beneath that shimmery fabric.

Well. Rough part of town.

It’s not until the very end, at what passes for a curtain call at this place when the lights aren’t quite so bright, that Prompto finally seems to notice them. His expression shifts, just a bit, from the performative but comfortable smile that had stayed firmly pasted on his lips throughout the show. For a split second, his eyes are rounder, the curve of his mouth more uncertain than pleased when his gaze meets Noct’s. But the moment passes, and he’s grinning again, arm-in-arm with the other beaming, panting dancers as cheers ring out around them. Twenty seconds later and the stage is empty.

“Have fun?” Biggs asks, eventually. It’s the first time he’s spoken.

“Uh-huh,” Gladio says, easily, at the same time that Noct says, “It was fine.” God, the kid looks constipated.

“Great. Wait here.” He stands. “Gotta wait for Nea’s say-so if you wanna see Prom, but. He’s gonna be pretty busy after this.”

Noct watches Biggs’ retreating back, an odd look on his face.

“Do you actually wanna see him?” Gladio asks, sliding the still barely-touched plate of gyoza he’d ordered for Noct across the table. “I mean. Your eyes were glued to the kid.” He smirks, waggles an eyebrow, and it earns him a spectacular scowl.

“…dunno,” he says at last, shoulders deflating, jaw working as he stares at the condensation rolling down the side of his glass. “Maybe he wouldn’t want to be bothered if he’s that…busy.”

“Well.” Gladio plucks a gyoza from the plate he’d just handed over. “What he’s not gonna want, probably, is for you to act all weird about his overnight gigs. You knew.”

“I know,” he mutters, just this side of defensive.

“Ain’t like it’s a crime, either, as long as Blondie’s not committing tax fraud.”

“I know.” Noct sighs. “Can’t hurt to see if he’s okay, I guess. Seems like a lot if he was that sick the other night.”

“Yeah.”He pauses, taking in Noct’s stiff shoulders, the full-body tension that’s gonna leave him achey all over in the morning. “Last chance to bail, though. There’s no actual reason we gotta do this part.” He nods at the empty stage. “Looked like he’ll live.”

Another tight shrug, another swig of his drink and a terse “might as well,” and alright, looks like they are doing this part.

***

Ten minutes later they’re shuffled back through now mostly-empty lobby—most of the patrons are either drinking or or migrating to the dance floor now—and led through a side door into a wood-paneled hallway.

Biggs’ hands are full; a steaming cup of instant chickatrice noodle in one hand and a packet of saltines in the other, a sports drink tucked up under his armpit. “He’s already waiting for you,” he tells them, as they come to a halt in front of one of the doors deep into the hallway. “He’s gotta eat something, though. And Nea said you get ten minutes.”

“Guessing you’re here to enforce that,” Gladio says, not caring if it’s blunt.

“And to make sure no one bothers him,” Biggs replies, calmly, meeting his eyes.

He has to remind himself not to bristle at the implications of that on Noct’s behalf—these people don’t know him, and they’re probably not bursting at the seams with fealty toward the Crown, either. The treaty with Niflheim is tenuous, barely older than Noct himself, and the war beforehand had been ugly for both sides. Most Imperial immigrants are refugees, or the children of refugees, having had no choice but to flee to the country that had fared marginally better when their own had become so stripped of resources. And they ain’t exactly living the high life, here.

Noct must’ve realized the same thing, because even though his arms are crossed now, all he says is, “We won’t.”

It’s a cramped sitting room of some kind, both tacky as hell with bright orange walls and décor as loud as the rest of this place, but cozy with its low lighting and squashy armchairs. And no exits but the way they came in. Well. If Gladio needs to pull the plug on this shit a minute in, he’s got no problem with that. Biggs had lost the jacket, at some point, and if he is still armed, it’s not obvious. But Gladio’s been put through the ringer learning how to recognize and disarm assassins of all varieties. And Noct’s not exactly helpless either—quite the opposite—if it comes down to it. Doesn’t mean he can relax any, and if anything happens it is squarely on him, but it’s something, anyways. Damn kid’s gonna be the death of him.

Blondie’s seated with his shins pressed up against a glass coffee table. He’s in a pair of beat-up sweats, but his hair and makeup still look pretty much flawless in the dim light of the room, even the gold leaf framing his lashes doesn’t seem to have budged any.

 He makes no move to stand at the sight of Noct; the smile he slaps on looks taut, maybe wary. He meets Gladio’s eyes a grand total of once before decidedly looking anywhere but.

“Hi again,” he says, with a gung-ho sort of cheer that can’t quite seem to get its legs under it, an awkward little wave to match. “Didn’t think you’d be back around…your highness,” he tacks on, like an afterthought.

Gladio frowns. The kid seems winded, words coming out a little breathy and odd. And yeah, he just had one hell of a workout, but twenty minutes on and his chest definitely shouldn’t be rising and falling that rapidly.

Biggs plops down into the chair beside him and sets the soup and crackers in front of him, repeating the directive to eat before anybody can say anything else. And Gladio thinks Noct’s concern, in its veneer of studious indifference, wasn’t misplaced after all. Guy had looked like roadkill a couple nights ago, anyways. He doesn’t, now—mostly he just looks glittery—but still.

Noct sits. Gladio does not. “Didn’t mean to crash your break time,”  Noct says. Gods, he looks uncomfortable. “Sorry. You should eat.”

“Thanks.” The kid raises the soup cup to his lips, but doesn’t take an actual sip, swallowing reflexively like the smell of it alone is enough to turn his stomach. He takes a careful sip of the sports drink instead. It’s a brand that Gladio knows for a fact tastes like piss, but is damn good for electrolytes. Beside him, Biggs’ brows draw together, but he says nothing.

“So, uh,” Prompto starts, after a moment. “You have a better time tonight?”

When Noct doesn’t answer right away, Gladio feels a twinge of sympathy for the kid.

“Was fun,” Gladio  says, honestly, with a shrug. “You’re pretty good.”

Noct takes his lead, fortunately, and his “yeah” comes out only slightly strained.

“Really?” he says, brows shooting up like maybe something’s not quite adding up here, eyes flicking from Gladio’s face to Noct’s, but he doesn’t look displeased. “Whoa. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Nea said you wanted to see me?” he asks, and before Gladio can clarify that that’s not quite what’s happening here, he goes on. “If you were wanting to book, I’m pretty full up tonight, but. Uh. I don’t mind rearranging some stuff? Seeing as you’re, y’know.” He gestures vaguely at Noct. “But you gotta work that out with Nea, she handles most of the scheduling.”

And Noct, hilariously, says, “Book…what?”

Prompto blinks. “…me? Unless you wanted someone else?”

Another one-point-five seconds and Noct’s brain seems to catch up to his mouth. He flushes, spectacularly. “Wha—no.” It comes out sharp, louder than he probably meant it to, and Prompto actually starts a bit. “That’s. No,” he says, quieter now, staring very hard at his own knees, looking like he might spontaneously combust and also that he’d probably be fine with that. “That’s not why we’re here.”

“…um. Okay.”  A long pause, and Gladio can see the shift in Prompto’s face from puzzlement to something like unease. He might be blushing, too, but the makeup makes it hard to tell. But Biggs is grinning now, clearly at Noct’s expense, and Gladio can’t blame him because he is about two inches away himself from absolutely pissing himself laughing.

He tries to keep it out of his voice when he says, “He came to pay for that drink, is all. And see if you were feeling any better, if you were around.”

“Oh.” He gives them both a smile that’s nervous around the edges, a little wrong-footed but not insincere, drumming his fingers on his knee. “I am. Thanks.”

Biggs raises an eyebrow, gives a pointed look at the soup cup growing cold on the table, but says nothing.

“But,” Prompto says, frowning, “if that was all, then why’d Nea…” He trails off, and Gladio can see the realization hit him. He wonders if they’re the same conclusions he’d come to himself. To see just what they were after, for starters. To keep the sudden appearance of the Prince from causing an ordeal at her establishment. To collect their money, while she was at it. “Sorry,” he mutters, finally, gaze falling as though he’d had any part in this at all.

“It’s fine,” Noct tells him. He looks only marginally less like he wants to die than he did before, but he sounds genuine, at least. “Not like anyone warned you.”

“I’m…” Prompto starts, then lets out a shaky breath. Then, with a kind of dawning horror, “You’re not about to, like. Lock me up for soliciting royalty, or something?” Adds, under his breath, “Shiva, I just solicited royalty…”

Gladio holds back his snort, wants to tell him that repeating the offense out loud isn’t exactly gonna help his case. Instead, he says, “Relax, kid. We know the laws.” Well. Sort of. Brothels are legal is about the extent of his own knowledge; maybe soliciting royalty was actually a crime. Iggy would know, probably. Freakish knowledge of obscure laws is his forte. “Anyways. You thought it was him soliciting you, you were just doing your job.”

Noct gives him a withering look, which is pretty much the best thing ever when he still looks like a beet. And Prompto does look distinctly salmon-ish now, too, despite the foundation piled on thick enough to blot out most of those freckles. He’s picking at the edges of an old striped sweatband he’s wearing, and Gladio thinks of that gigantic jeweled cuff he’d been wearing on the same wrist, earlier.

Nobody says anything, after that. Prince Charmless can’t string two words together to smooth the situation over, because of course he can’t, and Prompto’s moved on to fiddling with the label of his sports drink, not looking at any of them. Biggs raises an eyebrow at Gladio, a silent question—which of us is gonna end this first—when Noct’s phone goes off.

It’s his text tone, a bright handful of eight-bit notes, and Gladio wonders if it’s Iggy. It’s probably Iggy.

But Prompto looks up, at the sound. He’s smiling faintly. “Heh. Level up.”

Noct’s head snaps up so fast that Gladio almost hears it.

“You play King’s Knight?”

***

(to be continued-- many, many thanks to @taizi for listening to me spitball about this one and giving me that sweet sweet validation-- 

[theclaravoyant]

I’m feeling really awfully low right now.

TW: anxiety

This is just a bit of a ramble as I sort through some feelings. You’re welcome to ignore it but in all honesty I’d appreciate some hugs and pretty/cute pictures right about now

It’s tough enough coming back from what was a really lovely holiday, unwell, and straight into a high customer service day and a butt load of missed work I didn’t even get to glance at my entire first day back

Not only that but today, after trying to meet with my senior for three days to get through what I’m stuck on before it’s due (in fact some is already overdue) instead of curling up in bed like I want to, I finally got about three steps down a ten step list I feel like I’m moving in tar

Not only that but my senior’s senior called me in for a private meeting today with genuine concern because when she gave me a particular answer about something I had seemed stressed. We had a conversation about inconsistency within the organisation and the extent to which it is inevitable and necessary vs just a pain in the ass and what’s being done about it but of course

Not only that but I was in tears the whole time because my body enjoys betraying me and my senior’s senior reassured me not to blame myself, and that I’m good at what I do, and I’m smart and capable, but that “maybe this isn’t the career for you”

She meant well, she genuinely meant well, and I appreciate her going out of her way to be reassuring bc it’s really hard to feel like you’re doing a good job when it feels like the rules are changing all the time

But it also struck a nerve with me because most of the time I actually enjoy this job. And most of the time I know I’m good at it. Maybe she’s right maybe it’s not the job for me - I’ve been thinking about that too actually - but you know what, what IS the job for me? Because right now it feels like every job in the world would be this hard or harder. It feels like every job would give me this anxiety because hey! I have anxiety! It’s all well and good to say “don’t blame yourself” and “don’t think about it too hard just keep doing what you’re doing” but when you are working as hard as I am to do that it’s going to falter, it’s going to leak out eventually!! This makes me feel like I’m bad at my job. There’s no getting around that. Not feeling like I can handle it - and in front of the person who is in charge of hiring me!! But it feels like this would follow me anywhere. That it will always not necessarily feel this way, but end up like this. And if I’m not cut out for a job that I enjoy and consider myself blessed to have received well then I’m fucked if I know what else I could possibly stand doing for the rest of the year let alone potentially the rest of my life.

Anxiety has done this to me. That’s what makes me keep cracking under this weight. I do work in a surprisingly uncertain environment and that doesn’t help - it’s hard to “back myself” when the rules keep changing - but it would help so SO much if I didn’t have that little goblin in the back of my head saying. I shouldn’t be here, I’m bad at this, I don’t know what I’m doing and they don’t want me.

What my boss said to me today she meant well and I don’t hold it against her at all. I just know she can’t know what this inescapable anxiety is like. If I’m not cut out for this, if even jobs I love are gonna drive me to this point on a regular basis, what the fuck can I do with my life??? What am I cut out for that’s worth a damn???

I thought running away to au pair or something in Europe for a year was a bit of a pipe dream. On the one hand I’m thinking, this is validation that it’s not. That I need to do something different.

On the other hand I’m thinking - bitch can’t cut it for 1 year at home stable fed and safe, and earning an actual live able income, why tf would I be able to pull something like that off? I literally have not even been in my current job for a year. I know we joke about early life crises a lot but

Man I just feel so shitty in so many ways right now. I feel sick and angry and weak and fuck anxiety. I’m gonna have some water and pack it in for the night. and maybe look up the work therapist. I gotta get on top of this shit before it gets on top of me

[actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire]

My family made a fucked up, unlovable person

Potential trigger warnings: abuse, self harm, suicide (can’t do a cut on mobile, sorry)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about interactions with most of my family members growing up and how it’s affected me as a person.

My mom was emotionally absent, she seemed to get frustrated or annoyed by me. My dad had anger issues. He’s never physically abused me (besides spanking me a bit too forcefully). But he has raised his voice a lot, and while he’s yelling and throwing things around he’s also ranting and cussing. Obviously it made me fear him and all I could really do that when it happened was just stand there and try not to break down in fearful tears in front of him because I was afraid my “punishment” (his yelling) would be worse if I start crying. The important thing to remember in my family is crying is bad, it means you’re being difficult and nobody wants to hear it. Or my family wasn’t able to effectively deal with me being an overly sensitive child, because I have had an anxiety disorder my entire life and it doesn’t take much for me to cry. (Another important note: my dad was a truck driver and could be gone for a few days at a time. My mom worked and still works a flexible schedule, not a 9 to 5. This meant that if I wasn’t being watched by my babysitter, my grandmother or my sister would watch me as a kid.)

My brother has a temper like my dad does. One memory I have from when I was four I think, is I got excited about something and he screamed something at me and naturally, it made me cry because it scared me. I was never close with him. He basically doesn’t interact with me anymore, another long story. Our nonexistent relationship doesn’t really factor too much into my mental turmoil since we were never close, so maybe I’ll go in depth another time, I don’t know.

My sister and brother are several years older than me. This meant my sister had to babysit me a lot when I was a baby because she hadn’t graduated from high school yet. She carries resentment towards me because my parents had her babysit me, and several times she has complained about this to me whenever I’ve told her to stop treating me like a child (when I’m an adult). So, my sister sees me as a burden and as someone to do things she’s too lazy to do because she’s had to babysit me a lot, nothing I had any say over (?!) because nobody asks to exist, it just happens, right?

My grandmother also babysat me a lot. Or, I stayed at her house and had to occupy myself with whatever (note: anybody watching me, including my parents, never really interacted with me because they were always watching TV. Unless I wanted to watch whatever they were watching in the living room, then they wouldn’t be talking to me.) I was there, but she carried about her business and did her own thing and I did mine. (I’m not sure if this is super awful, I’m just getting everything out right now and in a mentally bad place).

My aunts were annoyed by me too.

Not only was I accepted in my family, I was often made fun of throughout school for my weight. No validation from my family, none from school. That means very low self esteem and self worth. I’m improving, but I still hate my appearance and don’t see myself as too lovable. Especially right now.

I know that so many other people have had it much worse than me growing up. I’ve never been beaten, I was just emotionally neglected for the most part and whenever I did something my dad didn’t like a few times he yelled and screamed at me for around a half hour or less and that was it. It’s just.... it still has obviously affected me.

It’s just a night where I’m feeling angry with my family and everybody else treating me shitty during my childhood because they’ve created an unlovable person. They’ve made a clingy, insecure, emotionally unstable woman. I had so many hopes and dreams as a child. Lawyer, doctor, vet, astronaut, I’ve always wanted to be all of those things at one point or another. (No encouragement from family. They said I’d have to go to school forever. More discouraging.) Now, I’m 23 years old and going to school for a second time and living with my parents because I literally cannot go to school and live alone at the same time. It’s why I dropped out of a state university and had to come back home and go to this podunk community college that miraculously offers bachelors degrees. I’ve only got around a year left if I can stick through it but god dammit, will it be hard if I’m going to have a breakdown about my life a few times a month and just feel an emotional rollercoaster each and every day. It’s going to be god damn hard feeling like I’m an outcast EVERYWHERE I am or go.

Why on earth do I think that having some good friends and a good partner will cure my mental turmoil? I don’t know. I should know better. I was still unwell when I had friends and a girlfriend. All I know is, I just want to fit in somewhere and I want to feel loved. I want to feel loved so bad. Whenever I think about this loneliness and isolation and how plain UNLOVED I fucking feel, it’s all I can do not to scream until my throat is raw and I can’t talk for several days. Or pull all of my hair out. Or slash up my arms. But I can’t do any of those things, because people will see and get freaked out and my family will pretend they care. If they really cared, though, they would see how sick and awful I can get. That I’m very good at hiding things for the most part.

I know it’s all on me to get better. Nobody else can. But I crave the affection, the love and the acceptance I missed out on from my childhood. I feel like I can’t find myself able to get better if I don’t have anybody encouraging me but myself. I really just crave someone to hold me and let me cry and just... comfort me. I’m trying to work on my issues but I can’t really hug and comfort myself, you know?

I just needed to get this out and indulge my usual craving for validation, attention, and coddling. If you read through all of this, congrats. If the more likely happens and nobody reads all of this shit, I at least have something to read to my therapist for if I forget how to articulate what the fuck is with me and my head, how I feel, etcetera. I’m going to try and stop crying and silently screaming and go to bed, I have to work my minimum wage job tomorrow (actually today, in less than eight hours). I hope I manage to stick this one out.

[zexonyte]

of course this isn't all of them, i am sure there had to have been some giygas loyalist doomers in the mix. they probably all ended up dying and crumbling horribly when he started to REALLY fuck with the place (aka when he was dying)

would be cool if a couple got dragged out in time though. they are traumatized for life and likely for death too.

so yeah. methinks they deserve to unionize and maybe even build their own society as free as possible from the gamers ok wow this was a shit name to pick for them.

giegue's kind is, however, very busy quelling the rumors that one of their own tried to literally end the universe itself, saying that "humans corrupted him, they made him that way and we had no idea" which has. surprisingly, very mixed reviews, and in a sense isn't even wrong (still put horribly but yk. it's. shit it's something alright). a lot of other civilizations are starting to trust more in what the starmen have to say and also if giegue's kind lost their grip on starmen, they'd be far more open to attacks and being conquered back. everyone's kinda getting sick of those guys and their monopoly and giygas tipped them over the damn edge

however there are a good fair share of aliens who doubt anything happened and also wanna maintain the status quo. amidst all of this conflict everyone's too god damn busy to give two shits about earth

those who aren't are also kinda scared because what do you MEAN four of their children defeated the Universal Cosmic Destroyer. what are they feeding those kids?? psychic steroids???

no and yes. garbage hamburgre has a lot of surprise beneifit

do you think porky would be included in the war stories. i think yes. boy do i fucking think yes. (visibly holding back tears (of insanity))

tired rn but as a slightly funnier alternative imagine if all these hard boiled space mercenaries were deeply fucking afraid of the most Unwell 13 year old you've ever seen. like oh. oh he turned off the machine. HE TURNED OFF THE MACHINE. FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES? WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THESE FUCKING KIDS

would be kinda. well i'd be something if aliens focused on earth again and indirectly caused the end of that world like an intergalactic cold war but i think it's more fitting if i followed with the theme of evil aliens make everything suck -> evil makes everything suck -> humans make everything suck. put very badly but i'm talking about aliens now i don't wanna dive into all that other stuff just yet

so i imagine earth and humanity just kinda destroyed itself after a bit maybe and THAT is what makes aliens lose interest in it period. i mean jeez everyone is dead, including the psychic people, everywhere else is rubble so going there isn't even worth it, yikes. how the mighty fall… one of their sayings i hear, how it rings true…

cue mother 3

they aint found em yet but if they do they gon be surprised

alright folks

i found this buried somewhere in my notes app and im 87% sure i wrote it bored out of my mind during english class. so have some crudely written 2000 or so words of Starman Headcanons (somewhat) (1/3)

metallic shell, organic insides (mostly)

some sort of affinity for magnetic fields. maybe how some grow spikes? like a long time exposure to strong magnetic fields makes them grow spikes. i can see it

born without their shell, forming it throughout childhood. it's the part that regenerates the fastest, but wounds or shell damage is still highly dangerous because it may make it grow in undesirable spots, such as inside your body, and the boosted growth endangers you even more. kinda like those boars with tusks that can pierce their own skull. and corals

speaking of corals. that's how they form the shell. just as giegue's species, starmen come from an aquatic planet with a shit ton of metallic matter suspended on it? is that the word? whatever its like ferrous water. they use it to build the shells like corals do. underneath it they bear resemblance to giegue's species if they were like tailless and earless and all

oh yeah both of those share a common ancestor. yea they're from the same planet. yea that strange camaraderie is part of why giegue's species allow the starmen to use PSI. ill get back to this later maybe

also giegue's species is a mouthful so im gonna call them gamers now

starmen reproduce mainly asexually through fragmentation. like starfish. why? i said so.

do they reproduce sexually too?? who the FUCK knows man but if they do it sure isn't internally

are they vertebrates? invertebrates? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (probably invertebrates, or an alien version of that)

unlike popular belief their earth name isn't starmen because of them being aliens. it's because the one who named them was really into starfish. saw one's detached arm regenerating and was like "holy shit… it's like that weird ass fish i saw the other day"

everyone else understandably so didn't catch onto this because why would you and went with "ouughh Man from Stars.." which is succint and understandable but it's boring as hell. let me have this.

their sheer psychic prowess makes them highly sought after as mercenaries. modern starman society is somewhat shaped around this and ESPECIALLY around their gamer relatives

space mercenaries babey!

coming back to their shell. ghosts of starmen, aka starmen elders, have begun their decaying process and are losing their affinity with magnetic fields. can't regrow or renew shell anymore. die of normal causes like disease or regular Old Age typically but if not that aint saving them because they die for lobster reasons too.

however, they're still highly valued and sought after, not just because of their overall rarity compared to juvenile/younger starmen, but because they have untold years of skill and experience in conquest and battle. AND sheer psychic power even if they're slowing down a lil

this includes so-called ghosts of starmen (who are named for their ethereal physical appearance and not actually because they're ghosts, although that would be cool as hell i do think they at least deserve a break in the. afterlife. for aliens? they deserve a rest), starmen deluxe, and final starmen, these last ones having the highest demand (high skill and strength while still being relatively young)

starmen's shells can be branded with crests to show/pledge allegiance. many have or have had several crests at once. starmen with a single crest are choosing to display ultimate loyalty to a single power which sure as fuck means something to the cosmos. ALL those civilizations you could get hired by, and even among the nations who are allied/have peace together some still refuse to get more than one, which is seen as. rude as hell like what the fuck man we're pals

starmen nationalism??????? i GUESS????

not sure if that's the exact word, but whatever man english isn't my mother (heh) language

a starman without crests… ohh man. they know the system sucks ass and are also seen as kinda. dissidents. and pests because ???? you're a starman asshat what else are you good for. man i did not like writing that

[themockingcrows]

Heavy shit below cut.

For longer time followers, this will not be a surprise at all. I used to talk about these things more on here. For newer, maybe you’ve seen glimpses or some comments, so it may not be surprising either.

I’m disabled, and I’m mentally ill. A lot of my symptoms are made worse by stress, and this entire year has been nothing but repeatedly mounting stress. I’ve had good times, yes, there were wonderful times this year, but always with that background knowledge of being increasingly stressed to the breaking point over and over and over without fail. 

Money troubles, constant threats of being thrown out of our apartment at the time, my spouse having to suddenly leave and be very far away for undetermined-as-of-yet amount of time, the moving house in 3 days with no prior warning, the knowledge I’m getting more and more unwell and still have no way of getting help or treatment, and being very aware that there is next to nothing I can do to fix things. The latest upsets was meeting with a psych I was randomly assigned by an agency and having her ignore all my evidence of physical disability from multiple doctors and decide I was just crazy and trying to be helpless. It broke me for days, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely move.

2017, by majority, has been one of the worst years of my life in a steady progression of bad years and increasing misery. It’s a fucking slog, and it’s very difficult to keep going every day. Often, the only thing that’s kept me alive was the knowledge I’d make the couple people who love me a lot sad, being too afraid, and knowing I’d be stuck having my housemate find me and I could never do that to her.

I’ve had increasing problems with executive function, with brain fog, with energy levels, with pain. It’s increasingly hard to find the little hyper focus lane that lets me fly through projects. My memory and the brain fog are making it harder for me to learn things, and when I learn them, harder to retain them. I learned how to digitally paint and then forgot it by the next week and haven’t been able to remember how since despite constantly trying to re-learn. 

It makes everything feel pointless. I can’t learn, I can’t remember, I can’t think. Sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything but breathe and take up resources for people who are worth being alive. Taking up space. Taking up time and energy because I’m desperate for attention, affection, any kind of confirmation I��m alive and doing something useful somehow when I’m not.

This has been the year that almost broke me multiple times, and it’s been hard to find reasons to keep wanting to see another year. I’m not even 30 and I’ve wanted off this ride too many times to count. I’ve fallen off the wagon and self harmed off and on, I’ve spiraled, I’ve bounced off rock bottom every time my brain decides it wants to attack me and then slammed back down repeatedly because there was no way to confirm to myself I deserved to live. 

I still struggle to find a reason to, and to keep going, even if it means lying to myself. I don’t feel like a person anymore. Even when I feel well and clear headed, I’ve never felt my age. It’s hard to be a confident adult when you feel like a scared kid all the time. I hate literally everything about my appearance, about myself, my attitude. It takes effort to not.

But I’m holding out hope 2018 will be good. I’m hopeful I’ll get the medication I need, the physical help I need, and all the dental work I’ve needed for a decade. I’m hopeful my spouse can come home sooner rather than later to stay, and that we can finally have a home together again. I’m hopeful I’ll find a way through the brain fog and misery even if I don’t get the other help so I can at least create things as easily as I used to be able to, so it won’t be so exhausting and such a stressful experience to make things for my own enjoyment. 

I want 2018 to be good. And so I’m going to keep fighting same as always. And to confirm that I’m swearing here that I’ll be alive and seeing 2019 roll in as well, and with a smile, because by this time next year hopefully enough things have changed that I can feel like a person again. I want to feel that more than anything and I’m still willing to do whatever it takes to feel that way. Just. Need to start catching good breaks that last long enough to help.

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 4: “Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor.” - Leanne

Ryan

I'm going to be honest, I'm not really gonna miss Tyler. I feel less bad about kicking him out now that I know he's played before. He was kinda cocky and reclusive- that's not the vibe we need in our tribe.

Najwah

I'm actually upset and really annoyed that no one else is willing to move their times so I can play too? And no one even acknowledged my message lol I started this game under the impression that people from all over the world would participate but instead I'm in a group with a bunch of Americans and I have to adjust my times EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It is a lot. I feel like quitting. I mean what's the point? I've been struggling with depression for such a long time, it's been amplified by this Lockdown and being part of something, this whole make believe game brought me some kind of joy. Some light. However, being blatantly over looked and left out because its convenient for everyone else kinda sucks. I'm overlooked and left out of everything in real life too. I don't think this game is good for my mental health actually. I feel worthless and like shit and the person I thought had my back the most, Leanne, seems to be the most annoyed with me. She isnt even replying to me in our one on one chat. Guess she got everything she wanted out of me hey? I don't know whether any of this extra stress coupled with sleepless nights and zero concentration when doing my work is worth it?

Zack M

here i come again, carrying the tribe on my back like i always do. (dolly parton reference to "here you come again" ... available on spotify for those who don't know) this is the second time in a row that i stepped up for the team while everyone else was silent. like it's cool. i don't mind doing it for them as long as we win. it's not fair for me to be labeled as a threat because i do my best .... and that best happens to be sometimes better. idk. i'm just here to play. i don't feel the same drive from my teammates. yes. that's it. i'm here to play to win. they just want to win. nothing is going to change for me. i'm going to do every challenge. i'm going to come with the big moves. i'm going to hurt some feelings along the way. but i need to stay in the game to be able to do that. i'm truly scared i'm going to be blindsided if we don't win. COUGH COUGH IM SCARED IM GOING TO BE BLINDSIDED IF WE DONT WIN AND I DONT HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL FROM THE WISHING TREE COUGH COUGH ..... i could really use a wish right now (wish right now).

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovDd3CLqYos

Leanne

Have ya heard the news? Our tribe finally won a challenge! This is great news, and not just for the obvious, game/numbers related reasons. The night results were announced my Skype didn’t go off all night. All, night. I think there was a block of at least 12 hours straight I wasn’t looking at it. There was that gaming voice in my head that now and then would urge, you know, you really ought to check in with Aimee and see what she’s up to. You know, you had a conversation with James the other day, you better try building that up. But honestly, these last few days have been so peaceful I just didn’t want to. It was too nice being off line LOL. Of course, there still remains the difficulty that I still don’t know where the target is going to land. I had a check in with the “trio”... Ben and Zach. It was “I don’t know” all around. One of them said that the first person who threw out a name would probably be made a target themselves. So no one will talk about that, seemingly, until we lose. Of course, my individual preferences haven’t changed. I’d still like to see either Cody or Sarah go. Leaning toward Sarah at the moment because she seems more feasible. She wasn’t at our last tribal, she hadn’t checked in for a little while, and when we were getting ready to do the challenge last night most of us thought she wouldn’t be around. I was really hoping she wouldn’t show so that I could make a stronger case for that. Precedent shows that lack of presence is the go-to way to get yourself voted out. And I really don’t know who she’s with, if anyone. I haven’t really talked to her. Maybe I’ll float that idea to people today. Instinct tells me that I should get in before the challenge results are announced, because afterward, if we lose, people will be scrambling, and it could land most anywhere. But if I’m too aggressive with this I could be the one throwing names out there and it could backfire. Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor. In other news, Najwah and I have been working together on the idol hunt. She’s been talking to Cody, I’ve been talking to Zach, and so the question we are pondering is whether they’re giving us trustworthy information, both about the search and the game at large. I actually do believe that we’ve been completely upfront with each other and at this point I trust her as completely as anyone can trust in this game. She continues to be my very best ally and I hope we can keep working closely together as this goes on. It’s only hitting me now how hard it is to form impressions of the other tribe based on the info we have. I’ve been reviewing some of the tribal’s, there’s from yesterday and our last one, and the answers are canned enough and United enough that nothing is really said. Everyone in this cast knows we are here to play a social game, and that means not saying stupid things and trying not to make enemies, especially in these early stages. They look strong and unified. They had an easy vote and seem to like each other, which is very much to be expected. I can’t really gleam any subtext from what I saw. Odds are we are just as hard to read for them. We’ll just have to wait and see come merge time, or possibly swap time? At their tribal the question said there was “talk” of that as well. Here’s hoping I’m not the Johnny come lately to that discourse. But even if it is looming, not much to do about it till you get there. I don’t think that’s something you can necessarily pregame for. So there you have it. It’s been a refreshingly peaceful several days and let’s hope it continues. These results could go either way, and if it doesn’t go the way we want, well, then the game switches into the next gear. That would make me very worried for our numbers down the line, but more immediately we are probably all worried about our place at that point. I have no idea what will happen.

Ryan

I am not very happy by the fact that I will have no control in the fate of our tribe.I'm happy we voted Tyler out unanimously, he was someone we all, especially Pedro and I, agreed on very early. it's gonna be tough now moving forward, but I know who I don't want to vote out

Pedro A

So Today we have the challenge....Im scared if we go to tribal idk who will go

Alan B

Yes! I'm so glad we won - the next vote for our tribe is gonna be a tough one, i really hope making the only mistakes during this challenge doesnt come back to bite me! we won right how bad could it be...

Pedro A

WEEEE WONNNN....stream CLC, RED VELVET AND BLACKPINK...you know why?....cause we have the night offffff.....

Amy A

Another night off 🎉🎉🎉. I’m so ecstatic because there’s no name coming up for vote 2 yet so it could literally be anyone even though I think my alliances with people will carry me through. My alliance with Ryan and Pedro is still strong and I have secret alliances w Maddison, John, and Grae even though Grae’s is more shaky. Im going to go sleep with no worry in my mind at all. Maybe except for a tribe swap. Maola ROCKS and seeing us divided will break me 😭😭

Kalle N

I recently found out that John has been telling almost everyone that he trusts them 100% and not just me so I'm working on making a big move to get him out next time we go to tribal (even though I love him and he has been one of my closest allies this entire game). He's just too charming and close with everyone

Maddison

Hi confessional. Really hoping I didn’t just brand myself a threat during that challenge but I’m glad I could redeem myself from the telephone game. I’ve had new people want to work with me within the thirty minutes following, and I can’t tell yet how legitimate their inquiries are. But hey, that’s Survivor. 

Zack M

jesus christ. there is so much going on right now. we lost again. whomp whomp. but again, i like losing. it let's me know where everyone's head is at. i'll face the consequences later. i want to flush the idol out but no one seems to be with me. i think either aimee or leanne has it. i want to say aimee to leanne and najwah and leanne to aimee because i know they will tell each other, one of them will use it, and then cody sarah ben james and i vote najwah. bye idol. bye to one of their numbers. 2 against 5, there's nothing they can do. BUT NO. so then najwah reaches out to me and calls me the tribe leader. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. clap clap. she sees right though me BUT she is letting me stay? it really is such a bad game move for her. i feel so bad. so najwah started the "hunt alliance" with me cody and leanne. leanne threw out sarah's name so we are going to pretend to go with that. but now the target is leanne in hopes that we just flush the idol out by vote. i think this is dumb and is going to fuck us over but like maybe people are legit. i really have no idea. and now there's a group with everyone besides sarah. i feel so bad. sarah, you're not going anywhere so don't you even worry! i think my plan is the safest but like no one listens to the TRIBE LEADER.

Cody A

Full disclosure y’all, Im just going to preface this confession with the simple fact that I am UNWELL! I just ask that y’all bare with this confession!! It could be as bad as Nick Cannons (very brief) rap career.. on Sunday one of my close friends took her own life.. and It has been difficult to separate this game from real life. In the real game of survivor I’d be stuck in Fiji with no information from the outside world.. so i am trying to navigate this game and real life at the same time. That being said: this vote could be very simple or VERRRRRY complicated. The plan is for our group of 6 “JESS” to tell aimee, Leanne, and naj, that everyone is voting Sarah. 

THATS NOT HAPPENING!!!  SARAH (NOT LACINA) IS MY NUMBER 1 & I WILL PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS!!! Initially it seemed Zack was adamant about voting Naj our and not Leanne???? but I think I did a really great job of convincing him she is a huge threat! (Gotta save my girl Naj!) The real plan is for JESS  to put all of our votes on Leanne, who still has yet to have a conversation with me. I feel like I am in a great position but I do not want to get comfortable!  

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oz7uKVXHzI&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH8nJmP6vhE&feature=youtu.be

Leanne

So we lost, again... just great. First there was nothing. Then the trio chat with Ben and Zach got together to exchange obligatory commiserations and giant shrugs. Then Najwah got in touch. Neither of us heard anything. She actually said because of this she just assumed it was her; I’ll get more into this in a bit. As of now she’s the one I trust The most, so I asked her how close she was to Sarah. Turns out, not very. She wanted to start a group chat with Zach and Cody, for the dual purpose of getting that plan together and for comparing info about the idol hunt. So we do that. After a few more rounds of circling the question of what do you think I said to the group that Sarah doesn’t seem to be available a lot or connecting with people. We agreed, and Zach suggested we get the rest of the tribe together, sans Sarah, in another chat to lock it in. This is after Zach and I said Ben would be in, and Cody said James would be in, and I don’t remember how but somehow Aimee was accounted for. The only other person left was James. My thinking, which both Zach and Cody seemed to share, was that it was better to risk James being close to Sarah than to get him upset by leaving him out.

Throughout the whole thing, Najwah seemed to have an abnormally high degree of caution and concern. She really wants to feel people out first before she does anything, which I don’t think is possible all the time. What if James is talking to Sarah? What if Sarah has an idol? What if the other four have an alliance? Not sure if it’s just me but she seemed to be doing a lot of what if’s, all valid ones but just a lot. She raised some other concern to me in a private chat and I answered her something along the lines of, it’s good to look before you leap but nothing is a sure thing and we have to take a few risks and be ok with not being certain. Well anyway, the larger group chat gets made. But as I’m making the conversation, the talk in the idol hunt chat, that is, the foursome that was just planning the Sarah vote, switches to what people are finding in the idol search. Now, this is a good thing. We did want to compare notes on that so we at least know where not to go. But not at that moment. Because when I started the larger group chat with James, Ben and Aimee, they of course wanted to know what the plan was. This left me all alone to ask them how they felt about Sarah as a target. I really could’ve used backup from Najwah, Zach and Cody in that moment, but instead they were talking about coins and advantages. Again, that’s a good thing, but in that moment, to the other three it almost looked like I unilaterally decided that. It looks like I got everybody together completely on my own and said, hey everybody, here’s what I decided we’re going to do.

Now, from my perspective Sarah was completely my idea, but that’s only my side of the story and I don’t know what other people were saying, and I have no wish to appear to be a dictator. Fortunately for me no one seemed to talk to Sarah at all. The consensus was her contact was brief and spotty and she was away too often to have built any meaningful connections anywhere. So it looks like it will work out and be easy again. Well, at least that’s what it looks like to me. We’ll see. The other good news is that we do have an idol task force. I found out the jacket is a 10% advantage in a challenge; good to know. Also the jewelry box was taken. No word on who took it, but that costs 20 coins. A theory I saw discussed was that someone shared coins or else Amy bequeathed at least five of them upon her exit. I don’t see that as being likely.

There’s got to be at least one more source of coins besides the two known to the group. Seems like we’ve been looking and coming up empty an awful lot. Not sure how candid the group members are being but at least we have an open line of communication about this. I was very annoyed because I felt abandoned by them to deal with the other three but that wasn’t done on purpose, and having this search party is a very good thing. At the very least we can help each other avoid disadvantages. Also, after we talked about Sarah, Aimee messaged me privately, saying she was leaning that way too, and we talked for a little bit. She seems to be talking in these little bursts to most everyone but at least it’s a relationship with potential to be built up further. So to me it looks like we’ve got an agreement and it’s Sarah and it was fairly easy. Of course, they could flip on me, and there’s an off a lot of time before tribal tomorrow, but like I just told Najwah, nothing is certain and we won’t always have every bit of the facts when we make a decision. All I can do is talk to folks, make a plan, and see what happens.

Aimee

Najwah just messaged me saying “So what do you guys want to do?” Except she just sent that message to me. Individually. “Guys,” plural, with an “s.” 👀👀👀👀

Zack M

im going to feel like an asshole tomorrow if i'm not blindsided and the plan goes the way we want it to. i've had a beautiful conversation with najwah tonight and i hope she doesn't think it was all for the game tomorrow when we vote her number 1 (leanne) out. najwah if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. this is a cruel game. i've loved every minute of getting to know you and our conversations! you're an awesome person and i hope you don't hold anything i may do to you against me. i would absolutely love to stay friends with her outside of this game. i just needed to put this in writing before i possibly hurt feelings tomorrow. again, she did call me the leader of the tribe. i would get rid of me if i was them so like anything is possible. 

Pedro A

today im going to talk with alan, kalle and olivia

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued.... 

Ryan

That stupid idol hunt and the disadvantage is gonna get me kicked out I just know it. F#*k me.

Olivia A

The first vote went smoothly! Except for the fact that Tyler voted for me. My only worry is that he might’ve discussed/decided that vote with someone else. I’m not too worried though because I still feel really solid with the people I’m aligned with.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJd1QSw04ak&feature=youtu.be

John B

Thanks to Maddison we won another challenge and honestly bless because I really don’t know who would have gone next. I found out Ryan got a disadvantage for the tribe while idol hunting and I know, Olivia knows, and I’m probably gonna mention it to Grae and Kalle that Olivia told me. Right now I think if we had to go to tribal it might be Alan or Ryan but I honestly have no clue. Alan has the idol which is a good reason to boot them, and if I can get rid of Ryan that will break up the outsiders alliance. The challenge had me scream laughing because I think Kalle and I share a brain. Literally all of our clues were vines and we shared them at the exact same time. I would love to get an alliance going with Kalle Madison Grae and Olivia, I’m just worried Maddison and Grae will get weirded out to have an alliance outside of the core four without Pedro. If it happens I will have Kalle start it up so I don’t look sus. I am v curious to see what the other tribe does for the next vote seeing as the last one was unanimous. Honestly they kind of scare me.

James Hayden

It's two hours before tribal and neither Leanne or Naj have messaged the group to confirm that Sarah's going home. Either they are over confident in their plan and feel no need to confirm or they are planning something else. I'm praying to the Survivor ORG gods it's the first one!!

Cody A

I have bonded with Naj so much these last couple of days. I feel like a horrible person for leaving her out of the Leanne vote, but perhaps I’m the one being left out of a different plan 🤷🏼‍♂️ This game is exhausting 😂

Ben Kessler

Here's my worry: Survivor is not a numbers game, it is a people game. And the people on my tribe are crazy, but I like crazy. I work with crazy. Leanne, Naj, and Aimee are hopefully on the outs. Leanne will hopefully be eliminated tonight. I fear an expansion at 15 and if this happens I will need to throw my tribe under the bus in order to fit in...slowly, subtly, and methodically. The other tribe is not battle tested and neither are we, so my new objective is to ensure that I am under the radar while speaking enough to have my voice in any group. Leanne is most likely of those 3 have an idol, but I would not be surprised if somebody in my alliance had the idol as well. Either way, as long as I survive I am happy. Najwah The last time I wrote a confession, I was having a really horrible day. I was ready to quit but I think after some rest and a good venting session, my head is back in the game.

Leanne, Cody, Zack and I have solidified our alliance. I hope. I thought people would want to vote me out because I haven't been participating and I wouldn't be offended or surprised if they do. Tribal tonight is going to be interesting. Someone has an idol. Or SOMETHING. The jewelery box is missing. I love Cody but I don't know why I suspect he has something to do with it. I have a feeling in my gut. Don't know whether he is double crossing us. Also, Zack said he'd stay on the mountain and then he told us he bought a jacket in the market place. Is my alliance actually working to get me out and blindside me? Lmao I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL. we are all survivor superfans. We all know how the game works. Convincing everyone to vote Sarah was WAY too easy last night. Sarah also seems wayyyyy too comfortable. She doesn't bother talking to people much or she's playing a really excellent low key game. Either way, I commend her and whatever she's up to. I don't know what I think of Ben and James yet They're way too chilled and seem to go with the flow but I know they have their own flow. And they are working together on something. I hope tonight's vote is as easy as people think, even though my gut is screaming that we are in for some huge surprise. 

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued.... 

Maddison

 Fell out of a tree idol hunting this morning. Big win out here in Tierra del Fuego for Maddison! 

james hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npTEWU0Hv5s

Zack M

we are about to go into another tribal to vote someone out and i'm so irritated right now. the plan is to vote out leanne because she may have an idol but she hasn't done anything all day long. najwah is literally messaging EVERYONE but is too scared to throw out a name. she wants to make big moves but can't and needs someone to do it for her. this scares me more than leanne because i'm close with her. ben and i have a trio chat with her. we could easily swoop in and say omg i'm so sorry after and make things ok if there is a tribe swap. leaving najwah gives cody the upper hand. i need the control. speaking of cody. cody and sarah have already early voted. i'm sorry but this just should not be allowed. this game is taking up a lot of time but welcome to survivor. we're all tired and don't want to be doing this on a saturday but here i am. i swear my team keeps losing because none of them are giving 100% like i am. tyler should have been on this tribe and i should have been on the other. 

the only person i feel safe with right now is ben. james is a close second. 

fingers crossed i don't get blindsided.

Grae G

Hello ok!! So I’m currently on good ground w everyone in the game but I want to solidify bonds w kalle Olivia and Maddison. I feel these people really trust me so I want to make sure they trust me. It’s become clear to me that every person in the game feels closest to John. He’s telling everyone different info and I’ve caught him in several lies- I’m not sure what I want to do about it yet. But as soon as I see an opportunity I’m gunning for him. But if I can’t swing it then maybe Ryan as an easy next vote bc he admitted to me he got us the disadvantage lol.

[vikkokoro]

A long awaited letter

Over the years my biggest pet peeve has come to be people who pretend to be progressive, meaning for feminism, lgbt rights and overall with the current times and values in order to hide their misogyny, lack of empathy and overall malicious intents. You seemed like you were not that kind of person. In fact, you seemed like the exact opposite. You caught me off guard by telling me you liked me in a very kind message. I was seeing another co worker but was not fully enveloped into it. I was in a time in my life when I was overworked and neglecting to take care of myself. It seemed like perfect timing for a charismatic person to come save me from this rut but in actuality I was the perfect victim to fall for your tricks. We talked on philosophy, buddhism and nihilism. It was so refreshing to spill my darkest feelings to someone calm and optimistic. I knew I had to leave my partner to be with you. You promised me everything I could’ve hoped for. You said every right thing. You said you loved me, cared about me, that we would get married and live in your hometown in british columbia. Things were intense and moved fast thanks to your sweet empty promises. But despite how incredibly happy I was to be yours, everything else in my life was very hard. I left a job I had for two years with my head chef and mentor turning his back on me, the owner yelled at me saying I was fucking useless in front of customers. After working 12 to 14 hour days, keeping track of events, doing orders, keeping up with prep and making specials, all while my co junior sous was not expected to do as much and while I was paid about the same amount as workers who worked half the amount of hours I did. My heart and soul broke, you witnessed it all and played the part of a supportive boyfriend. I was also physically unwell as I couldn’t sleep and self medicated with alcohol to deal with my immense anxiety. I lost so much but I had you. But things changed as quickly as they did when this whole situation started. Once You had me fully immersed in this ordeal you targeted my drinking. Fair enough, I was unwell and dealing with a lot and as a result drank heavily but your support became criticism. I was to stop drinking just like that cold turkey. By the way, I loved that I was the alcoholic while you drank literally everyday whether you were alone at home or with company but I suppose it doesn’t count unless you’re light weight like me. You became so critical and we fought. I’m not saying I am completely innocent, I was not treating myself well but I was also in need of some serious help and you expected me to deal with everything by myself. You were no longer on my side and treated me as this antagonist. We fought over text message despite my best efforts to better communicate. I kept wanting to talk in person but you refused to travel or have me over. Then you became controlling, I asked for a night to myself to process everything happening and you became mad and said we need to take advantage of anytime we have to spend together. I once messaged you saying you were more than welcome to come over if you like. You were mad again because of how I worded it and wasn’t begging you to come over. I was losing you and grasping for any fragment of this dream life you once presented to me. Then one night after you refused to see me, you messaged me saying you were ready to meet up. I was with friends being consoled as I was more stressed out than ever and said I was free in half an hour, Again, upset. You became the opposite of everything I thought you were and showed your true colours. I went from being in a dream to a nightmare and you honestly made me want to pull out my hair from frustration. It wasn’t so much I was afraid of losing you but this amazing life together you promised, this hope you had given me in a dark time in my life. But the person you were now showing me was nothing I wanted. You only wanted conflict. I kept trying to fix up what was left of what we had but nothing I did pleased you. We went on one last date, we had sex at my house. The next day I messaged you saying I hope you were having a good day. You said thanks and nothing more. I knew what was coming and so I decided to wait and not message you. A week goes by with no communication. You see me at the restaurant you work at and were I used to work. You acknowledge me with a nod then turn away. I left you alone. A week after our last exchange and a week before my 27th birthday you gave me a long message saying you loved me and cared about me but we were going on different paths. You became that calm kind guy you presented to me as easily as that. You had the audacity to compliment my naked body within this message which I found tasteless. A week later I turned 27 and you messaged me happy birthday as that last bit of salt in my wound. I was so depressed I barely brought any attention to my birthday. Then something happened. Maybe so much had happened to me that I had enough. Maybe it was my sister telling me to have some self worth and to forget your fake ass. I was tired of crying and playing victim. I hated this person you made me into. I needed to fix myself and fast. I booked a trip to New Orleans to go by myself as travelling alone was one of my dreams (and since our plans to go to BC and visit your parents was a bust.) I was so happy to be alone and finally felt some peace. I gained independence by doing a really scary thing and owning it. I am not writing this to embarrass you and get back at you. I am writing to clarify exactly what happened and to emphasize that you did not leave this situation as a hero as much as you made yourself to seem. I am writing this to have a say finally and I think the time is perfect. I am not broken. You failed in that though I’m sure that is no concern as you have your new victim which is a previously engaged FOH manager at your work (do you see a pattern here?). It saddens me to this day that your malicious words of me to others still reach me. But without you I became so much better. I am a junior sous chef again for Chef Jacquie whom I love so dearly as a role model. My team is amazing. I have my own place I rent in Newmarket, another dream of mine accomplished. I have real friends and family who support me and vice versa. I don’t try to play the victim, in fact, I don’t take much shit from anyone anymore. I love who I am and have enough self respect all without some guy there to save me from myself. I made the me I am and I wouldn’t have gotten here being your girlfriend or wife or whatever. I hear you still have a controlling nature that you sick on your new girlfriend. I hope one day she will learn that she does not have to tolerate your toxic and ingenuine ways in order to get that dream life you so love to present to contending victims. She can simply get it herself. I hope that for her and anyone else unfortunate enough to have you touch their lives. Please go back to your beloved BC and leave us hopeless romantics alone.

Your alcoholic ex girlfriend

Ps get longer shorts. No one wants to see your junk.

[anonymoususername123]

Dating in Toronto

In this world of hookup culture we are forgetting who we are.

It’s December of 2019. The year is coming to an end, in fact the decade is coming to an end. In my generation of millennials I think we’re called, ( I’m 32 ), we either have been involved or know someone that’s been involved in the hookup culture that is currently taking over the world.

Gone are the days of loyalty, trust, commitment, and love.

(Edit: Actually that’s not true. It’s been pointed out to me by some friends, and I already knew this too, that there ARE some people in committed, loving, trusting, healthy relationships. I mean romantic ones. Because I have all of the above mentioned things going on with friend relationships. I have just yet to find it in a ROMANTIC way.... I’d like to say I have SOME hope though... anyways read on to get why I’m so jaded)

Although I know the older and last generations have had their share of breakups and divorces, cheating and scandals, side chicks, alimony, and child support.

These tragedies aren’t new.

What is new and still continuing and evolving is the ever present hookup culture.

You can download an app or two, or three, four, fuck there’s so many who can even keep count.

The point is you can download an app, set your preference, and boom by 11pm that night you’re fucking someone you just met, on an app, literally hours before.

You don’t know them and they don’t know you. You go for coffee, but it’s not really coffee. It’s them picking you up, grabbing a hot chocolate at 10:30pm at night, and going for a drive in their car ( this has happened to me many a times). You then realize ah shit I fucked up, I’m stuck in a strangers car, who is now chain smoking for whatever reason, and then you go park in a deserted parking lot, to sit and get to know each other and make small talk.

Now I know most of you are thinking no way, this can’t be real, who stoops to that level of getting a Tim Hortons hot chocolate between 10:30-11pm at night with a total stranger to then go sit in their car and hope to God they don’t murder you.

But this is real life.

I’ve used Tinder, POF, OkCupid. I downloaded Bumble & Hinge and deleted immediately. I also think I tried something called “Happn” which I also deleted.

I’ve made an account on Seeking Arrangements just for the hell of it ( fuck I really hope I deleted my account oh man). I’ve joined Match for its like one month gig. I’ve joined Christian Mingle YEARS ago only to talk to some horny Italian guy that clearly was on the right site ( insert my VERY DISTINCT sarcasm please.)

It’s interesting because

You lose yourself in it all.

Somewhere someway somehow you allow people into your life you never in a million years think you would. You say and do shit you never thought you would.

You tolerate the weirdest and strangest shit.

Not once but at least.... four times I’ve been picked up by a guy in his car just to drive around, go park, talk, and then they wanna have sex.

I was once, no twice, master manipulated into having sex with a guy I suspect was married, in his van. It was scary. Horrifying. Terrifying. I went against my gut instinct. I went against my vibes. I’ve put myself in quite dangerous and scary situations.

I’ve let men into my life, into my body, I absolutely should never in my life have done so.

I can’t blame my daddy issues, my daddy issues are maybe the root of my issues with men. But my behaviour is something I have to own up to. My patterns, my habits, my inability to catch the players and walk away, block, delete, sooner than meeting up with them, that is on me.

So here I am now just reflecting back on this decade. In this decade I started it off dating someone that was toxic, unwell, borderline abusive. It never starts that way, and then next thing you know I ended up in a psych ward cause I tried to kill myself. The psychiatrist then tells you that one day the memories will fade away until they’re all gone. And it’s true. And he was one of the best psychiatrists I’ve ever met. And I cried when I heard he’s taking a sabbatical to work on something else. All the while knowing this is life. I’m sick. I’ll get better. And this was years ago.

And I slowly get better after that.

But I start using the dating apps. I’m single and vulnerable. I’m a social work student. I’m doing my placement, I’m going through school. I start working at a movie theatre.

My attachment issues, my mental health issues, my DADDY ISSUES, I don’t wanna deal with them. I know I have to. Maybe they’ll go away.

I had previously gotten clean, off drugs and alcohol. So I keep going to meetings.. NA meetings.. at one point I get a sponsor I start step work, I give up, not because I didn’t want to work on my recovery... I just stop using that sponsor. No hard feelings.

Fast forward to now. December 2019. For the last seven years of being single I’ve fucked countless guys... I’ve gone on some weird ass dates and some OK dates. I’ve tried to be non judgemental... I’ve been judgemental... people are... fucked lol.

I fucked a Ryan Gosling lookalike.

A guy I went to high school with.

Many other guys who shall remain nameless. Security guards, guys from NA, guys I met online. Boys boys boys boys.

I’ve gotten attached. I’ve cried, obsessed, blocked and unblocked so many times I have driven myself absolutely insane.

I was taken advantage of. In a van. I blocked that guy by the way... fairly sure he’s a predator... like I said.. some scary scary shit!

I’ve been reckless, not safe enough.

I’ve invited guys over. I’ve had one night stands. I’ve probably broken hearts, I’ve had my heart broken.

Then I meet a couple guys over the last year. One stood out. He was SO good looking in my eyes.. but SO unwell. I dropped every standard known to mankind and hooked up with him. He was F U C K E D up. We eventually end things.. stop talking or seeing each other. In Feb 2019 we randomly see each other ( after having first met each other in March/April 2018) on the subway, he comes over, we fuck. I never hear from him again. I see him on the subway platform a couple weeks later holding hands with a girl. We spot each other. I’m almost near the end of the platform. So he moves to the left, towards more of the centre. The train comes and we all get on. I’m fuming. Raging. I start voicenoting my friends, yelling loudly so he can hear me.. he’s further down the train than where I am. “THIS FUCKING GUY, I JUST FUCKED HIM AND HERE HE IS WITH A NEW GIRL, HOLDING HER HAND, THIS IS MADNESS”.

People are staring. I look crazy. We get off at the same stop. During the train ride They FOR SURE could hear me but they had their heads down, they’re talking, holding hands, ignoring the crazy bitch yelling into her phone about some guy she fucked that has the AUDCITY to board her train with a new girlfriend. Once we all get off, they’re up ahead of me and I eventually lose them. I call my mom and I’m SCREAMING into the phone. But.. who even cares? All that anger, rage & resentment, for what? We weren’t close. Or dating. I was nothing to him. When all I want is to be something to someone.

Basically... I’m sick of this shit. Sick of being nothing to no one. Just a sexual object, most likely a side chick, no trust or respect.

Some have taken me on proper dates.

Dinner. Movies.

Dinner.

Coffee shop.

But the mass majority have been flimsy, stupid, regrettable, one night stands that require more work on my part- I have laundry I end up having to do the next day... mixed with trying to wash all the shame and guilt off of me from my poor choices from the previous night.

It’s like we’ve become transactions with each other.

Some guy I just fucked last night was all “Oh no, I REALLY wanna get to know you, you’re one of the hottest girls on POF right now”

Buddy you don’t wanna get to know me you want to get to know my vagina. PUSSY. You wanna say HIIIIIIIII and REALLY get to know not me as a person but me as my VAGINA.

And it’s like SERIOUSLY?

Why can’t we be straightforward. Why do we lie.. to ourselves.. and each other.. it’s like I’ve convinced myself I’m either not worthy of love and respect or I’ve just given up on it as if it doesn’t exist anymore.

Siblings that are older.. all divorced or about to be. A couple still together. But one pair fights and fights and fights.

Is that love? Is that respect? Is that what a relationship is now? Still?

We can order food, products, and people to our door within a matter of minutes but at what cost?

You’re not paying me for sex but should you be?

I’ve often thought maybe I should dabble in being an escort. I’d get paid. And have sex. Because what’s the difference in what I’m doing besides absolutely nothing except that I’m not getting paid and sex workers are.

I’m having meaningless, pointless, regrettable sex that is oftentimes worth the orgasm but not the emotional turmoil I put myself through after.

I’ve definitely used sex the way I once upon a time used drugs and alcohol. I HATE admiting I’m a sex addict. I don’t crave it.. I don’t NEED it. But I do it anyways. When I’m sad, depressed, stressed. I want sex. I don’t want the guy or the drama or stress or relationship. I wanna exert my feminine power and fuck you til we both orgasm.

But... it doesn’t always work out that way. I may use guys for sex.. but they use me right back lol.

I have to delete the memories from my head and keep moving forward.

I met a guy this summer. At a Tim Hortons. There were vibes lol.

I could tell he was a player, manipulative. We exchanged numbers. To this day ( six months later ) we still chat. He left the city for months and is now back.

He’s put me down, about my faith & beliefs, my career, and just me as a person. He’s pissed me off and I’ve told him off. I’ve blocked and unblocked him so many times over the last few months, even without seeing him in person, only to unblock and message him again. He’s rude, narcissistic, a fucking prick. He doesn’t think, honestly, of literally anyone else except him and his daughter. He makes excuses and has stories for days. He’s been so rude to me so many times and yet I STILLLL wanna talk to him. I STILL want him to like me, want me, date me. Treat me nicer than he’s treated me.. actually talk to me with respect. Not lead me on leave me on read for hours at end to just come back around when he feels like it.

But, here I am, entertaining this fucking douche bag because I’m bored, lonely, depressed.

My dad just died. A month and a half ago. I know, you’re probably thinking Jesus, this girls life is DRAMA! It is. I’ll end this blog post here, for now, and finish all the rest of my stories later.

With my Dad passing its opened me up again. Made me a bit a softer. More self aware. More in tune with my emotions and what the fuck I want, what the fuck I’m doing. Everyone’s always told me how to act and what to do my whole Life, or at least that’s how it’s felt ( even though it’s not exactly true).

These experiences shape you, mould you, change you from the inside out.

I’ll get rid of all these fuckboys.

Everyone says oh just wait, the right person will come along. But will they? Will they really? Where’s the stats and proof and logistics of it? I mean sure I live in a big huge city so I will definitely meet SOMEONE one day but how? Where? Why are we told to just have blind faith this will happen.

Whoever made up that saying and these expressions and thought pattern is a fucking moron. We date and fuck who we either meet in person or meet online. There’s really no in between. But meeting people in person.. who, what, where, when, and how?

I’ll get back to you guys on all the rest of my wild life and stories and thoughts.

Blessings to all for now,

Anonymous Dater in Toronto

[aliceellablog]

Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :( 

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;)  So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD. 

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up….  I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you. 

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig. 

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!!  Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx

[thegazeofanna]

TBH the journey Ive been on in the past year is fucking amazing. I’m always so hard on myself and today my therapist reminded me how crazy and incredible my journey has been. It literally could have gone either way (she said this herself, she basically thought I was done for and would be a back and forth, revolving door client) and I chose and fought to make my life turn around. 2015 basically kicked out of uni bc too unwell, august-dec in intense IP, december on holiday, january-april 2 hospital admissions, 2 IP admission and I was constantly being sent to the hospital while IP bc my heart was so shit. BUT THEN I JUST DID IT. i changed my mind, I fought for my life, i started working with my team instead of against them (they treat you so much better this way btw- 2 staff members cried at my progress when I left and couldn’t stop praising me, before in my old admissions it wasnt like that AT ALL).  I still struggle everyday, every hour even but I just frikkin did it!!! zero hospital admissions since, zero serious threats since, full trust from my team......God its been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it still is, I cry every week at therapy, I think about food and disordered shit most minutes of each day, I hate my body always, but this is NO EXCUSE!!! I feel out of control and horrible, BUT there are some good moments and they are what is worth it, i’m living my life, living independently, dancing all day and not dying, i’m able to be spontaneous and can do whatever I want, i’ll be moving internationally soon and i’m confident that ill lit be FINE and THRIVE!!! You have to do it even when you feel shit, THATS WHAT RECOVERY IS!!!! JUST BC YOU CHOSE RECOVERY MENTALLY DOESNT MEAN ITS EASY BC TBH THE NEXT DAY YOULL COME DOWN FROM THAT MOTIVATIONAL HIGH AND UR HEAD WILL BE LIKE “YEAH NAH”.  recovery isn’t all fear food fridays, acai bowls, a eating freely, NO NO NO its crying through your meals yet still finishing bc you have goals, its being fucking honest with yourself and not skimping shit out of ur meal plan bc it only affects you and it changes NOTHING, its seeing the oppourtunity to hide food and not take it bc YOU HAVE FKN GOALS!!!! THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU STARVING YOURSELF or overworking yourself or WHATEVER is ONLY AFFECTING U!!!!!! IT DOESNT CHANGE YOUR SITUATION, IT DOESNT REALLY MAKE ANYONE CARE FOR YOU ANY MORE THAN THEY DO ALREADY, IT DOESNT TAKE THE STRESS OR WORRY AWAY, it just puts it on hold, it puts your life on hold. 

half the time we starve ourself (OR WHATEVER) in an attempt to hurt someone else and it DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT!!! yes maybe you are getting more cared for on the surface but its all pity and its not that deep seeded nurturing you need and thats terrible, but you need to grieve and mourn for that nurturing and then BUCK UP AND WORK FOR YOUR GOALS! BC ITS SO WORTH IT HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT.  and please please please just keep going. Its been a year for me and I still struggle DAILY but that doesn’t mean i should give up, bc i’m closer than I ever was and even if it takes me 5+ more years fowards is the only way to go. This is such a rant hahhahahahah soz it prob doesnt make sense.

[a-callous-meme-witch]

This has been my cold take of the fucking year. He gets broad immunity under the guise of a wildlife educator. This is the same immunity that Brian Barcyzk of Snakebytes and BHB reptiles (puppy mill style reptile breeder, practices terrible husbandry, exploits sick and unwell animals in his YT videos, free handles venomoids, kept a literal nile monitor in a mesh cage) benefits from.

A league of crusty ignoramuses emerge from the depths of these fan bases and defend them at any cost every time they are criticized. “You have to weigh the cost of one animal being a little distressed versus the education they are providing!!!” “If it weren’t for people like Coyote Peterson we wouldn’t even know about these animals or care so stfu!!!” “Biologists have to do the same thing to animals in the field!” “But he’s doing this because he loves animals and wants everyone to love them.” “The animal looks happy and healthy this is natural for them.”

When I hear this utter stupidity and ignorance I start to ascend to the next life or whatever the fuck comes after because my mortal soul has to displace itself to survive it. This invalidates the genuine work being done by zoos and sanctuaries to preserve wildlife, their populations and communities, and educate the public about their needs. Also, it turns out biologists use actual methodology and record keeping in the field to serve a purpose greater than “wow give me views, boy do I sure love animals, look at me being cute with this here animal!!!.” I’d say most biologists, if afforded the opportunity, try to devise safer and less cruel methods to observe and study wildlife. I am going to pray for all and any of you who watch and defend his shit.

Now, onto the elusive DOUBLE STUPID, and say it with me:

Calling 👏 an 👏 animal 👏 a 👏 cute 👏 name 👏 and 👏 declaring 👏 that 👏 it’s 👏 having 👏 a 👏 good 👏 time 👏 is 👏 not 👏 a 👏 valid 👏 form 👏 of 👏 measurement👏

For instance you can’t take: “Look at this gorgeous animal, a real cutie, she’s really having a good time with all this attention here-“ as a valid sign the animal is not in distress. This section of my essay is also a “fuck you” letter to those in the “this is natural in the wild,” and “it’s one animal and this education we are getting here on me YouTube program might save their whole species!!!!” camps. Anthropormization is literally killing animals. I’m going to go out of my way and make the bold statement that most herptile species don’t understand that making your mouth in the shape of a “u” is a sign of human happiness or affection. So if you say that a turtle is smiling at you so it clearly can’t be having a bad time than you need certified 100% Jesus.

There is no unspoken telepathic language between animals and humans. When you pick up an animal and harass it into biting you it thinks it’s going to die. That’s not an exaggeration or a metaphor. It genuinely thinks something larger and stronger that wants to eat it is going to eat it. When it bites you it is defending itself at all costs. It’s not thinking “oh man, I guess I can chill for this one dude he’s a wildlife educator I’ll just show him my skills *chomp*”

Also no, being taunted into biting a big dumb mammal(trademark sign) and then having isopropyl alcohol poured down your throat is not natural in the wild. That’s also punishing an animal for doing something you forced it to do, which as we all know, is very *natural* and all biologists have to do that in the field.

His only purpose is to educate. But what value is the education of proving that being bit by a snapping turtle is A) possible and B) hurts? We already been done knew that. This isn’t the most valuable thing for the public to know about snapping turtles, it’s the most shocking. The most entertaining. I find it hard to believe the education that snapping turtles, named after their predisposition to snap, can snap, is worth harassing that animal. Sorry.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

hot take of the day is that coyote peterson and his channel are Bad. his dramatized clickbait videos where he antagonizes animals until they bite him is not something i support at all

[brieflyrainytheorist-blog]

Brain farts....

So to turn to a cathartic exercise, I write to try and process my brain.

Let me explain myself.

My story is a long one, too long to go into detail for now but to summarise…. my life started to change from a chaotic dysfunctional everlasting death wish to something that I feared and had no experience of….functionality

Or what appeared to be functional as I observed the rest of the ‘normal’ human race in the 1st world do.

Straight out of rehab, I almost immediately jumped into a relationship… initially had no intention of it having any longevity, after all I was so damaged-who would want me or more importantly put up with me.

But he did and 16 years of the relationship lasted somehow, producing 2 beautiful children.

But it wasn't enough for me. I didn't love him. I loved who he was and I think that is different, he was my constant, he was my secure base if I'm looking from a psychological theory aspect but I didn't love him which bred contempt.

I think, or at least I'm currently experiencing, I am a sexual creature who loves the feel of another human being.

I didn't in this relationship, it was an act to just get pure primal needs met and in the 16 years we were together, I probably actually slept in the same bed for 1 1/2 years of the relationship.

He didn't do oral sex so nor did i. I’d accepted that as normal. Sex never got more exciting than missionary, don't get me wrong, there were periodic glimpses of passion but few and far between. Since leaving the relationship and having had some good sex since I'm still stunned I accepted that for such a long time.

After 5 years of the relationship, I had grown as a person, starting to discover some resemblance of self worth, not much, but it was there and I felt guilt for this relationship, knowing I was always looking elsewhere but not actually acting on it.

I attempted to end it and was greeted with a sobbing, begging person, promising to try harder and please not to leave him……Oh shit…. I was NOT expecting that. I felt so bad, I agreed to try and carry on.

I think from that moment onwards that had sealed fate for this relationship. He then was waiting for the inevitable and I was so wracked with guilt from seeing a broken man cry…. I carried on slightly resentful for another 11 years.

We both grew separately in this time in other areas of our lives and I think that was what we were good at as a couple, we encouraged each other to better ourselves, we both individually slowly nurtured a growing self worth, just not enough to be able to let go of each other. Two children knowing something wasn't right but unable to be honest about what that was.

The eventual end could have been dealt with better by myself as I chose one of his most vulnerable times of his life. 3 days after his father died.

This not only demonstrates my selfish nature but also my inability to hold onto things until I burst and have to act.

I was expecting a repeat of what had happened when I ended it before. But nothing, no resistance, no begging and no tears.

In fact the only tears were mine of guilt.

He very quickly got into another relationship and is still in it. He cannot be honest with me about how serious it is but for a rebound, it’s been at least a year and a half. 

This stings me repeatedly. He wanted to walk leaving everything, take nothing of the 16 years we had built together. I could not understand. Still struggle with that but I'm guessing it's a preservation for him.

We still communicate-ish. On a very basic level in terms of the children.

I get angry when he talks about his new relationship and he throws money at me to try and keep me ? Happy ? Quiet.

So now I'm free…. What to do with that? Actually my solid base is now gone and that scares me, I could literally do anything. Although I now know that I have the ability to be a functional human being in this world, as I have been proving this to myself over and over again, it has taken my emotions right back to that dysfunctional being who had no filters. The primal me.

So In my best decision making ability - NOT, I hit the dating sites with vengeance.

Sex is disposable, can be the most primal thing on earth and it is so good when you find someone who knows what they are doing.

Before I start, i have written exclusively about men here, but i am Bi, I just haven't entered back into that world yet. It scares me a little, i may decide that actually it’s a woman that I want need after all….However I do like cock, too much to let it go.

I like a man to take the lead but due to my dubious past, I have also had a lot of experience and am open to a lot of things to hit my pleasure zones.

The thing I struggle with is the emotions. Is it even possible to separate the natural chemicals produced by seeing the same person repeatedly?

I have tested the waters with different men and if they are good, i repeat, if they are not i don’t…

My situation so far on the ones that have left some form of impact on me

I accidentally bumped into a guy, that initially had no interest in really. Then I fucked him. Holy shit!! He hit every physical button he could.  Maybe it wasn't even that good but I have been starved of my bodily feeling that way I clung on like a limpet.

Mentally and emotionally not really there initially and if I'm honest, not really physically attracted to him other than what he did in bed.

So he has just ended this ‘thing’ we have been doing for the past month-essentially 3 weeks of fucking pretty much every other day.

He tells me he wants a relationship now and the fuck buddy thing is not for him and that our wants are different.

I don't want to jump into another relationship so soon. I want to explore this awakening of my sexuality before the menopause kicks in and I have no interest any more.

But I do want emotional human contact too that is more than a friendship level… Maybe I want my cake and eat it? I can be very selfish sometimes.

I feel hurt from this rejection and my emotional maturity isn't at the place where I can be rational about it, My head tells me that he has spotted I am fundamentally damaged and that he’s not going to go there.

Of course i have made it all about me…again selfish

I’m struggling to let go of this rejection.

He’s a sweet bloke and I actually admire that he can show that level of emotional awareness to know when to back out until he finds what he wants. I hope he does… the child in me tell me he wont find such great sex again…. But thats my bolshy streak! Its how you know to get the best out of a situation i guess……

So meanwhile in a different reality but parallel to the one I've been talking about…. I am still on the dating sites…. Yes, fuck boy is right really, I don't particularly want exclusivity unless the world collide and makes me see that this is the ‘one’ whatever fantasy realm that exists in….

I have been speaking to someone for quite a while now,  a lot longer that fuck boy has been around and I love talking to him. I call him the Brain. I haven't met him and I'm almost afraid to as I don't want to lose what we have got in his company of chat.

We speak most days, some days all day long.

He hits my emotional intelligence level, I think anyway, I can cum when just thinking about conversations we have had. Trouble is if I meet him, I'm so afraid the chemistry wont be there. This is what you don't get chatting.

There is intellectual chemistry no doubt. But it boils down to physical again.

I don’t even know what he truly looks like either. He won't show me another picture. I don't entirely trust that he is single either.

Im afraid of losing him or the persona that he has created for me.

There is another boy, and I use that word loosely due to the fact he is 29, 14 years younger than me who tells me he wants to fuck me… he’s new. I think I might try him. No long term intention….

And then there is Chris. Chris was one of the first I started with. Again I haven't met him, I was going to but he bottled it.

He’s sweet but brings out the punisher in me. I kind of like stringing him along. I’m a bitch right? I may still fuck him but I like the fact he still try to get me to meet him. I told him it was 2 strikes and then out and he bottled both times.

He has narcolepsy, the nurse in me wants to know if he will crash while I'm fucking him…. Yes, I’m a perv!!

There are others that I'm chatting to but no-one who has made any sort of impact.

What do I get from it all?

I guess there are multiple levels of stuff.

Firstly validation that I cannot obtain for myself. 

The physical aspect forfils my physical and sexual desires. Thats chemical.

There is also an element of punishment in there too. A shame shock if you like. It challenges all my catholic guilt that I seem to lug around like a sack of rubble.

If I enter something and get rejected it validates my core belief that I am mad, bad and unlovable. There is some sort of sick investment in there that keeps me mentally unwell. Maybe I like that as it defines me to myself.